Sex With Emily - Random Acts of Oral With Shani Hart

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

Today I’m talking with certified sexuality coach Shani Hart about how to keep yourself satisfied while you take care of your partner. Shani also gives us her helpful oral sex philosophy, tips for using toys together and talks about the importance of representation in the sex industry.I also talk to psychological astrologer Dr. Jen Freed, who joins us with her monthly astro-sex forecast for each sign. We dive deep into what IS sexy, why it’s necessary to be with someone who brings out the best in you and non-negotiables when it comes to self worth and self pleasure.For more information about Shani Hart, visit: hartsdesires.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking with Shiny Heart from Heart's Desires about her mission to elevate and normalize sex. Oral tips for her pleasure and her number one turn off. Also, Dr. Jen Fried is here with her monthly Astro Sex forecast. All the Samore thanks for listening. I'll put it underneath me and I'll sit on it so I get that stimulation so I'm around and that makes me give

a better blow job. I think one thing you're saying that is really important is if who I am isn't really attractive to you for one reason or another, let's move on quickly. Because there's billions of people and I actually don't want to try to be something for you I'm not so that maybe you'll love me. If I don't have a great conversation with someone in a connection, not turned on. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex.

Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Bet through eyes they call them in a bygone day. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's episode, I'm talking to two wonderful women. Today I'm talking to Shiny Hart from Hart's Desires. Shiny has a unique experience entering sex education and the sex toy industry,

which is, you know, famously dominated by white people. And as a black woman who wants to elevate and normalize a conversation around sex, like I do, we talk about how she got into the industry, what she loves about her work, and how life-affirming and energizing it's been to talk with other people about sex. You know, she owns a store in the DC area and she's got some wonderful stories.

We had such a blast talking. She's hilarious and fun. And she has a great tip for keeping yourself in the mood while you go down on your partner. You're going to love this tip. You have to listen for this. She's funny and you're going to love our answers to my five cookie questions. But first we hear from my friend Anne Sex with Emily regular, Dr. Jen Freed. She's a psychological astrologer. She joined us monthly with her astro-sex forecast. So you want to listen up for your sign and where you can expect this month. And hey, listen, I get it. If

you're not in the signs and you're like, think it's all BS, let me tell you this. She writes beautifully. And if you hear anything, and even if you're not, I'm a Gemini, for example. If you hear something about another sign, it's okay. It can speak to you in a way that I think you're going to find very inspiring.

We also talk about what it means to be sexy. I mean, do you feel sexy? What makes you feel sexy? What do you find sexy in others? We're going to talk about that, which I think is a really fascinating conversation. All right, guys, help you enjoy the show. Happy September, everyone. Here we are. It is September. I can't believe it either.

And I can't think of a better person to welcome in the last day of summer, Dr. Jennifer Fried. She joins us here every month to set us off. With our astro-sex forecast, you can find her at Dr. Jennifer Fried on Instagram, Twitter at Dr. Jen Fried. She's awesome, Jen. I feel so at peace when I see you, Jen. How are you? Yes. Well, we were just saying before we got on the show, Emily and I both have Taurus Moon, so our love language is touch and being with people and eating with

them and touching them and all that. And we're both like in cages going let me out. I want to touch. Yeah. So I just want to honor that for me. And therefore I threw my back out. I think it was like a little rebellious if I can't touch all lay down. That is happening really. And also we're just not moving as much but we're just not doing the same things we're doing while I'm wishing you such a loving recovery. We're also going to talk about what is sexy?

What does sexy actually mean? I love this idea but first I think we got to just do the Astro Sex forecast and tell everyone what they have to expect this month according to their sign. Okay, so this month it really is about turn on your sexiness people and so I'm gonna run you through every single sign of the zodiac, but if something is appealing to you,

claim it, because you have every sign in your chart, even if your sign signs just one thing. So listen up for what meets your sexiness quota. Aries, when you are completely confident about what you need and also fully interested in the needs of others, you are irresistible. Let no one dim your fireworks. Just tell them to wait patiently for the grand finale. Taurus, when you inhabit your body as a sacred, unending pleasure temple, you can chant people to their core. When you crave lusciousness, turn here, turn inward. Gemini, Emily, when you reach for the level of a transformational

conversation, you just simply be which people. Don't let common thoughts or ordinary banter get in the way of your maverick brilliance. Cancer. When you are as soft and yummy as a cookie, but also as sturdy as a mountain, people can't help but pursue you. Never compromise your boundaries to make other people like you. You are the sweetness, worth, behaving for. Leo, when you crack open your heart and let the light pour out to make others shine,

people cannot get enough of you. Your generous love is a flood light of seduction. Virgo, let go of the perfection and highlight every flaw. As she or genius, you'll become a siren of attraction. You know better than anyone how to look through the cracks and see where the light comes in. Libra, when you realize that beauty is built by appreciating life, you bathe in a regal glow. Others want to be with those who know the secret, is to not have what you want, but truly

love what you have. And Scorpio, when you face darkness like just an old friend and bring the hope back in like a giant street lamp, others find you utterly be giling. Fearless to feel, you make people want to dive in. Sagittarius, when you speak your truths, not as swords, but as vulnerable invitations, you are spellbinding. You never need to promote what is unflinchingly authentic. Capricorn, when you lend your immense confidence and service of the ultimate good, but you also take time to smell the orgasmic roses, you become a walking

afridizia. Don't let doing become the boss of being. Aquarius, when you are truly as empathetic and warm as you are utterly disarming, people will fall at your feet. When the sky blue meets the turquoise of the deep sea, no one can resist. And finally, Pisces, when you're dreaming nature finally grounds in practical, earthly manifestation, everybody wants a nibble of you, maintaining a mature focus in your life undistracted by shallow temptations leads you to your

full erotic superpower. And that's September. Wow, Jen, these are just getting better and better. What I saw is about when you let go of this, whatever your barrier is and you truly seize who you are, then you, you feel like that

is the sexiest thing ever, right? We always say, I think confidence is sexy, but what does it actually mean? And it's like in all these signs, you're giving people permission to sort of embrace who they are, like letting go of speaking their truths, not as swords, or being vulnerable, disarming people with your truth. Yeah, sexiness for me is when people dare to be who they are and not try to imitate anyone else. You know, we're all made so perfectly uniquely.

And I think there's a lot of pressure to conform and somehow wear or talk or walk like somebody else. And actually, the people I find is sexiest like you Emily, there is no carbon copy, there's nobody even remotely walking the planet talking like you are. So it's really, I think it's about that. It's like how can we just light up

our own beautiful being and then shine that out? And not everybody will be into us, but enough people will be. But what is sexy? What is sexy to you? You know, I think it is somebody who stands out, right? There's somebody who's uniquely themselves, confidence. And I guess confidence is an interesting concept too. It's not confidence is a buzzword. We don't really know what it means, but it's a certain vibe we get from somebody that they're good with them. Like, you know, they're

not waiting for your approval. And I think that's very appealing because so many people are yearning, do you see me? Do you like me? And that's a little bit of a turn off for most people. But when people strut into a room and whatever shape, size, color, whatever they are, they're just going, I'm good with me. You're like, I'm going to piece of that, right? Exactly. Yeah, that's why I always say, when everyone's calling in there, how do I be sexier? How do I do this thing in the bedroom?

And when you say, like, confidence is the sexiest thing, it's like truly authentically showing up as who you are, wherever you go, whether it's in the bedroom or in the boardroom. And that is a process. I wish I think going back to even my 20s, I remember being so confused by feeling like I had to pick a lane. I remember feeling like I had to decide who am I going to be? Am I going to be the person that goes to these concerts on the weekends

and does these things? Or am I really into my job? I was like, it really felt like it mattered, like putting a pin in who I was. And then you realize now it's like, I know I have to choose, I guess, embrace them all. And I was having a conversation with someone who worked with me recently in our 20s and she was like, I don't know what to reveal. And I remember that struggle. And I think some of us never let go. We keep assuming we have to be one way, right? Well, I think we have all been inundated with the imposter syndrome, which is faking ourselves into some pretzel of conformity,

because there's a idea unconsciously that there's the right way to be, and there's the right sexiness be and there's the right sexiness and it's all alive but we especially younger think well if I can only hit that mark I'll get love. And what I really found out in my path and Emily for sure with you is being loved is absolutely beat yourself or you won't ever trust that somebody really loves you you'll think they've just bought a fake being loved is absolutely beat or self-renew whenever trust that somebody really loves you, you'll think they've just bought a

fake package. That's not reassuring. Mm-hmm, Jen, that loops back to the imposter syndrome that the reason why I think a lot of us engage in toxic behaviors or fear of intimacy or commitment issues are so many ways to call it here,

to slice the toxic behavioral trait. But it's typically because if we don't feel that we are authentically ourselves, we wonder, how am I love a ball? You don't really know who I am. You don't really see me because I'm not showing you who I am. So therefore I can't love because once you see my darkness and all these secrets I'm hiding from you, you're going to leave me. And that's why we all walk around with hiding ourselves. Once you start to shine light. And that's why we all walk around with hiding ourselves. Once you start to shine light on those things and embrace the things in you that you think cannot be seen, the things that make you ugly or wrong or that loveable are actually things

that make you lovable when you own them. Right, you're only as sick as your secrets. It's just, I think this is something you grab with you a lot, but you eventually you peel back the layers, right? Right, right? Right, I think one thing you're saying that is really important, is if who I am, isn't really attractive to you for one reason or another, let's move on quickly, because there's billions of people,

and I actually don't want to try to be something for you, I'm not, so that maybe you'll love me, what kind of arrangement is that? So yes, not everyone's gonna be into us the way we are. God knows I'm not so that maybe you love me. What kind of arrangement is that? So yes, not everyone's going to be into us the way we are. God knows I'm an acquired taste. You know, it's a big issue here, but some people adore me and some people don't. And I don't have to be looking at who isn't interested. I just have to look for who is and resonate with them because there's enough people, if we're honest,

we're all here looking for love, all of us. John, that is such a good point. And this is exactly what people call in. And we're always trying to make adjustments for our partners or do things that we think are going to make as attractive. But if someone doesn't want you for who you are, the kinks that you're into or the sex you want to have,

like I believe it's not an area to compromise or someone shames you for wanting something sexually or making you feel like you're not even sexier, desirable than onto the next. Well, a great psychologist says many people prefer a safe objects than people that are good for them. Meaning some people just get so attached to people, refer a safe object than people that are good for them. Meaning some people just get so attached to people,

they'll take whatever they get instead of letting go and having nothing. So it's part of the human brain that would go towards security sometimes, even if it's not a good relationship for us. It takes a lot of support and people like you, Emily, that are available to talk to and friends, to say to somebody, you are really worth more than this.

I know it's scary to let go of the known crap, but there really is a whole bigger world out there. Yeah, I think it's a good point. It's like we're afraid of being alone. So we stay in something that's unhealthy because we think it's gonna be horrible. So it's like we feel like we're choosing. Like we have a certainty that we're always gonna be alone. So we stay in something that is just not right for us.

What about you? You're opinion on something Emily. A good friend of mine has just madly fallen in love with somebody at a distance. And I know both of them, the guy's fabulous, she's fabulous. But they have never met, but they talk hours on the phone every night. Like they're really, really into this.

And they're going to meet. And I saw her yesterday, had a glass of distance wine. And she had just had some Botox and billers. And by the way, I'm going to do that tomorrow, a little bit under COVID. Anyway, I like to say all this stuff because this is the stuff, right? Yeah. And so I said, so are you going to tell them about that?

You know, I said, are you going to tell them about that? She goes, no. But she had just said they're open about everything. And I went, number one, I can tell you just got Botox and Billard. So I don't know who you're kidding. But number two, I find it so interesting. What things we think we can say and can't say to keep love, right? Oh God, all of you out there that are doing

enhancements or penis strengtheners or whatever everyone's into, it's like we're all just wanting to look our best. Right. I feel like I want to do that. Yeah. It's okay. And is she's with a guy who's like, you got Botox? I don't want to be with you then, then don't waste your time on the phone with him three hours a night. I love the idea that they're so open about everything, but I'm not going to tell you that. So they've been talking for months, you said,

I keep hearing about these relationships and FaceTiming, so they see each other. Yeah, yeah. But they haven't actually touched each other, or smelt each other yet. No, and I said haven't actually touched each other, or smelled each other yet. No, and I said to her, and this is you know, you and I are so different. I never think, oh, I'm madly in love with somebody.

I've never touched, but I said to her, I'm very concerned about the chemistry, like what about the kissing, the touching, the smelly, the like, she goes, I have no concerns. But I went, oh, pretty confident that this talking, I'm gonna find out in a few weeks I'll let you know, is it as big as they think it is? Cause they're like, this is the greatest love of ever.

I think this is happening a lot right now, especially during these times that we're in that people are doing long distance and they don't know yet. I can't wait for the great reveal. We're gonna take a quick break and then you can hang out, we can come back. Yeah.

We're gonna talk about like what is sexy. I wanna talk about you and what's keeping you from love. Don't go anywhere. There's more sex with Emily coming right up. I'm here with Dr. Jennifer Fried. I'm here with Dr. Jennifer Fried. We just did our astro sex forecast. We're talking about what is sexy. But I think so many people think we don't ever get to decide what does something we think

of well this dress would be sexy or walking this way is sexy. But really it's something that's authentic to us I think is what makes a sexy. But what do we find us sexy? Like you and I might not find the same things sexy. For example. Sure, I was gonna say there's a difference between sexiness and my preferences. Because my preferences are like,

oh, I prefer men that are tall. Oh, I prefer men that are not too buff. Like I don't actually like it when they're all built up and all bulls and muscles. Yeah, that's a preference. I find someone who's passionate about something like they have an Uber passion. I mean, hopefully they're passionate about their life's work. And someone I can learn from, someone who inspires me, that is very sexy to me. Someone who just gets excited about something, right? They're not just sort of phoning it in.

The truth is, we could find anyone sexy by just a moment of recognizing their soul. Like there they are. They are so fricking sexy. And I think preferences are the way we guide ourselves to people, but I've been blown away by, wow, I never thought I'd be attracted to that person and there they are. It's amazing.

In my case, I can be attracted to men and women and even trees and nature. I mean, I can find myself just to get so excited about life itself, right? Yes, I absolutely feel the same way. And I think that's why now a lot of young people are identifying as pansexual or I'm open to many things because I think that we have so many restrictions about what society will allow us to be what we find attractive, who are attracted to. But to realize what if there is no limitations, like what if it could be any gender, anything and you get to decide, I think that sexuality of what we find sexy could be looked at in the same way.

If we could just remove all of our restraints of what society thinks is sexy. Yes, and that's the same as a sex scene. Yes, and that's the same as a sex scene. As an acquirerist, if this speaks to any of you listeners out there with the queries in your chart, my fondest desire is to get way past all these identities and genders and everything. So the only criteria for hooking up with somebody is are they good for you?

Are you good for them? Do they bring out the best in you? Are you actually going to come away from that relationship ignited to be the best you could possibly be and feel? That's what I wish for the only reason people got together. How do we get people to that place? Yeah, honey.

It's the starter is getting through all of these inhibitions, all of these taboos, all of these identities that we think we are. We think we're these fixed nouns. I'm a this. I'm a that. But hey, maybe not. Maybe today. I'm a woman, maybe tomorrow, I'm a spirit. I mean, who the heck really knows what we're really all about here. There's no real consensus on fixed identities. Oh, damn. It's so well said, it really is. I mean, that's part of it.

It's like, would I say be confident? I don't mean confident, like, let's say sexually, that you learned all these skills. It's truly walking, moving in your body in a way that, like, you know what feels good to you. Confidence means go with trust. And so it's this inner trust. And I think what's really appealing in the bedroom is that you don't rehearse your moods. That you're not like phoning in something you've seen on porn or something somebody to show you one day. If you're fresh to the moment and it's like,

oh, I think I like kind of lingists like this, but maybe today it's like that. It's like not getting a set mind about, I'm only this forever this, that's when we shut down because really sexualities about living a bigger and bigger experience of money. Just get up exactly, Jim. What a great way to put it that if you are present with every sexual experience and you say, you know what? Whatever I've learned in the past, whatever performance or moves or things I've learned. And this goes for everyone listening, your next sexual experience. Try to be as present as you are,

and as mindful you are of the person that you're with, even if you've been with this person for 20 years. And if you truly focus on that moment, what needs to happen in your connection with that person, and what you actually feel, what you both feel together, you realize that every time you're having sex or with a new lover, there's always

a new opportunity to create something together without any of like, what did we do last time? What do we do now if you're truly locked into each other? That's the flow. That's beautiful sex. You just reminded me that if you're really present, you are always happy to new lover, because if you aren't rehearsing, that person that showed up with you this time is not the same when you have last time nor

are you the same. I mean, let's face it, if you track yourself daily moment to moment, there's really not the same person there. I'm not the same person. It is a funny idea. I literally you guys would not have recognized me an hour ago. But you know, it's funny, Jen, too, because through my work, you're like, oh, where have

you learned and how have you become better sexually in 15 years? And I have to say that I used to think like I had a lot of bad sex that wasn't satisfying that wasn't. And I realized a lot of that was me, that I wasn't showing up as truly myself. And so I think that every time I do have said, I can pretty much turn a negative experience into a good sexual experience. If I'm with a partner that's willing to be present,

I think I can pretty much create a new experience every time. If that makes sense, like dancing. Well, Jennifer, thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate you and everything that you have to say and calling in with our far listeners and helping us and your Astro Sex forecast and your friendship and you are just a beautiful wise friend and spirit. Dr. Jen for free. The people can find you on Facebook.com.

Yeah, yeah, just look for me, JenniferFree.com. I like to hear from your listeners and follow me on Instagram. But you know, mostly I want to say again, I think that your show Emily is part of busting those doors open and turning the lights on and I think that if there were just a thousand million more people listening to you every day, we could all get over it more quickly. So that's why I show up. Thank you Jen. Thank you for showing up for us. All right, and take a quick break. There'll be more sex with Emily.

Thanks to everyone for supporting our sponsors. You know, we only work with sponsors that we enjoy ourselves, and I hope you do too. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ I'm excited to welcome my guest, Shani Hart. She's a sex educator, a speaker. She's owner of Hearts Desires, which is an erotic boutique. In Washington, DC, you can also find heartsdesires.com

and go shopping there. I'm so excited to welcome you to the show. Thank you. I'm excited to be here. It's a funny thing on all the Zoom things everybody's doing. I'm excited to be here, but I'm like a mouth. Right, exactly. I'm in my home.

But we get to be together, and I've heard so many wonderful things about you. Time for your experience. Like, what got you to actually start the store and your sex education? Like, what brought you into this industry? Because people always ask me that. I'm always excited about other people's journeys. And that's probably one of the number one questions I get asked the most.

Second one is probably how to score. But first one is, how did you get into the sex toy world? Actually, my husband started the company before we even met. So he had one store and when we were dating, it's women, we're not supposed to pop up on people, but I was the pop up queen when we were dating. So while he was at work at the store, I would be like,

hey, I was just in a neighborhood and I stopped by. You know, I wanted to see what was going on. It's like a winning customer. Yeah. And he's not a shabby looking guy. So I had a, you know, I wanted to see what was going on. It's like a winning customer. Yeah. And he's, you know, he's not a shabby looking guy. So I had, you know, just to sell and vibrators to women. I would show up there more than not. I was just in the neighborhood.

Right. Exactly. All the time, just in the neighborhood. And then eventually he was like, well, since you're going to be here all the time, let me show you how to work this cash register. So he showed me how to do that. And that was my whole job working a cash register. But people used to keep asking me questions like how does this work? Why does this work? I had this issue

which I get and I'm like I don't know and I want to kind of people that if I don't know something like it burns me up and I just have to know. So that's when I enrolled in this sex educator training program. I went out to Portland all the way on the other side of the country. I went there for two weeks twice to get my certificate in sex education. And it just went from there. And we opened up a second store together. And then our first store we moved into a bigger location. And so now I kind of like rebranded it.

You know when we come in, we take over, we switch to Change of the drapes, change the curtains, we with the vibrators around. Everything yet. So I branded us more as like a kind of like a posh boutique and I have nice part with floors and chandeliers and nice furniture and I try to make us into somewhere where people can come get education about all the toys.

There's one thing about going into these doors and they could tell you how the toy works, but not tell you the why or what's best for you. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that.

I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that. I love that's opening and warm and people feel safe. And they're like, I'm going to spend $200 on a toy. I want to know the why. So you can explain that to them. So first, tell me about your clientele. Is there a specific group of people you target?

Our main store is in a predominantly African-American area, kind of moderate income, but if you're from the DC area, I'm in PG County, okay. Some people call it the hood, right? I don't think it's that hood, but it's definitely where some stores might not once it be, but I love having a store there. Like I wanted African American women, especially to be able to see the things

in Essence Magazine and Coswell Magazine, and you see these toys and like, you know, I want this womanizer toy and a lot of the sex toy stores, I think in certain neighborhoods, they carry, you know, a lot of jelly dicks and all the stuff that's crap. Like they carry for a crap

because they don't think that people deserve quality toys or they don't think they're wanting to spend the money. And I want everyone to come into the stores and get all the nice quality toys, but they don't think they're wanting to spend the money. And I want everyone to come into the stores and get all the nice quality toys. You always have, I keep my ear to the street. I know with the new hot toy and we always have everything

in the store. That's great. So what kind of questions for your clientele, which is mostly African-American women, are there certain needs that you've found that are different than other

like other certain toys? It's seller certain questions. It's a, well, one of our stores has kind of a diverse crowd. And in our main stores, mostly African-Americans. And people basically ask the same question. Mostly women, they want to know, you know, what's going to give me a fast orgasm? I don't have enough time. Or they come and say, you know what?

My husband, boyfriend, partner, whoever, he sucks in bed, what can I do to make it better? And I'm like, wait, wait, wait. So I have this whole conversation about things to do to make sex with your partner better, and I go into, but what do you like? You know, have you explained to them what you like? Because if you're having bad sex, it's your fault. Well, exactly, Shondi, this is my journey to being an educator.

I realized that I also was blaming my partners for bad sex and then I go, oh, I'm responsible. I gotta do my own work. So what do you do, Shondi, when women come into the store and they're like, because I just pictured you going, well, what do you like? And because if I'm my experience too, people are like, I don't know.

Like, do you think that they know? Are they able to say what? What do you find they like? Do you notice that they know? Are they able to say what do you find they like? Do you notice trends lately? Well, mostly, if people have like, during the headlight looks, I kind of guide them from a guided sex to a microkite. Do you like oral sex better?

You like penetration better. So they're like kind of steering me in the direction. Mostly everybody says oral sex. You know women are clotters, you know this is it? This is it. So most of the advice is, you know, all says oral steps. You know, women are clutters, you know, this is it. This is it. So most of the advice is, you know, all the oral steps. Okay, so we're still over to some catoral toys and stark bear.

That's usually where I go to. If no one's had a toy before, usually start with a bullet, something, you know, not intimidating. Exactly. Small, not a lot of buttons and everything. Then, you know, but some people are wild and they're like, no, you know, I want this fancy one.

I got this, the anal, the G spot, and the clitoris all the one. I'm like, okay, girl, we won't go on that one. Like the woman I was a premium, is that the one? The one that's most famous that I sell. Tell me. Who is the name of the company? Now I can't remember.

I know, I do this too. My spouse is a locale, and it's black, and it has the bulb, it's anal part, anal part, and it has the G spot cologne and it's black and it has the bulb is anus part, anal part and it has the G-spot part and the catorral part. So it's a three things going at once. I can't get that. I like that, but I don't yuck anybody's y'all. We do not yuck a y'all.

I love that. So they're coming in and you're guiding them. But I think that's a good call. Most women, yeah, we like oral sex. We like the fingers. It's all about the clitoris. And what we can do there to make it pleasurable. So you're probably having, sitting there having

really great conversations with women and learned so much. All the tea, people tell me all the facts, the guys coming near, I'm usually talking to women. And I get sometimes good DMs on my Instagram, like you never show anything for guys. You never talk to guys, but guys they do come in there with questions

about different things and different, you know, massivators and things they could do to be better for their partners. So that's always nice too. Yeah, that is nice. And I think that a lot of times, well, you still finding that there's a stigma. Do you have women who come in like,

my have to hide this from my boyfriend? He doesn't want me to have a toy. Like, what do you tell those people who still have shame around it? So I'm a little biased, because I'm like, if it's something that's bringing you pleasure and you talk to your partner about it,

I'm like, hey, this is the thing that's bringing pleasure. It's not replacing you. It's going to enhance our sexual relationship or whatever the case may be. They're like, no, no, I don't want that. I don't want you to do that. To me, that's like a telltale sign of bigger problems. Right.

It just seems like it's going to be other things that are going to manifest themselves in a relationship where it's going to be, you know, controlling almost. To me, that's a red flag. I try not to have, you know, to come to Jesus' moments in the store. I'm like, hmm, well, you should be able to get what you like. Exactly. It is so true that it's such a great call. It's such an indicator. If your partner is trying to control what toys you buy,

the pleasure that you're going to have, that typically is a sign of bigger things. And you probably want to be like, and you could also run for your life right now, you know? Yes. I'm like, blink twice if you're okay. Exactly. And some people come in with their partners and I'm always excited to see partners come in together.

Yeah, but sometimes one of them is just like, I don't like nothing. I don't want to look at them like, oh, okay. I know. I just think, but then the good news is I think for me sometimes I realize that they start out that way. And I'm like, no, listen, this vibration can feel good for you too. Like vibrations don't discriminate. They're not just like, I'm going to feel good on a vulva. They can feel great on a penis on the shaft, nipples on all peoples.

Yeah. I try to, if it's a partner that's a little bit iffy, but they look like they just need a tiny little push. But I try to get something that's going to involve both of them. Whether the partner, you know, identifies it man, identifies as the woman, something that either they can hold in a hand and use in a partner or they can wear to bring an assimilation to the partner, get some stimulation themselves. Instead of something that the partner is just going to use by themselves. Yes, exactly.

Even though, you can use by yourself, you can still use with a partner, but some things are more, you know, marketed for a couple. Well, that's the thing. It's like you have to be so, people think it's so specific. Like if I bought this product for this,

I could only use it for this, but a lot of them are multi-use, multi-purpose products. They are. They just get creative. I use a lot like my magic wand. Me and the magic wand, we didn't bend through some things. I use that magic wand for everything by myself with a partner while I'm giving him oral sex.

That's one of my favorite things to use while I'm giving him oral sex I use the magic wand. Wow, like on his shaft or his ball? No, I actually sit on it. Cause I am not. Oh, I actually sit on it. Cause I am not. Oh, you use it for yourself. Yeah, cause I, I am not one of the women. Like I even teach a blow job class,

but I am not one of the women that lives and dies to give blow jobs. I just called a job for a reason. God, that's hard work. And sometimes if you're not aroused enough, then you're not gonna give a blow job. So I put it, especially if I'm on the bed, I'll put it underneath me and I'll sit on it so I get that stimulation.

So I'm aroused and that makes me give it that a blow job. Exactly. That's incentive. Yeah, you're right. That's a great tip. Tell me about your blow job class. What are your tips? Pretend I just walked in.

What's the blow job class? It was the whole see I could talk forever about blow jobs. I love paying about blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob.

I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob.

I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blowjob. I love saying, I love blow the wetter to bed, or all of these clichés are important. Friction is the enemy of pleasure.

You do not want to be rubbing off skin layers. No, that's not attractive. Communication is important to talk to your partner, especially if it's a new person, I'm giving a blow-chap job to. I like to ask them, if I'm doing something you like, give me some feedback. Let me know I'm doing something you like.

If I'm doing something you don't like, give me a little time on my shoulder, communicate with me, let's get this together. And lastly, is, where's my last tip? Oh, technique. You don't wanna just be sitting there, just bobbing your head up and down,

and that's how you get tired. Like your mouth gets tired, your jaws get tired. So having different techniques and learning the part of the penis. So what to do on each part of the penis, that's gonna give you the results that you want, because we want fast, efficient blowouts. Like I want you to get to me. I don't want to spend all night on you.

This is good. And I think that I was told, no, and we think we have to, like, mimic porn or our jaw. We have to be tired. It's like, use your hands, use your, you know, use, yeah, Lou, but there's so many great things that you can do and turn yourself on. Yeah.

Oh, Shady, this is good. So let's talk about your experience, too, because I know that you wrote an excellent blog for our website. Thank you for doing that about your experience in the industry. My experience was very eye-opening. When I first came into the sex toy industry,

I kind of lived in a bubble where I met. I went to high school with all black people. I went to all black college. I worked with all black people. I'm kind of like in a bubble. And so the sex toy industry is very white. It's very, very white, very masculine. And so when I went to my first trade show,

I went to Vegas. Have you ever been to the trade shows? In Vegas. The avian and altitude. I was. All of, yeah. So I went to one of ones in Vegas, and I walked in and I'll be fine.

Ooh. It ain't was all of, yeah. So I went to one of ones in Vegas and I walked in all the five. Ooh, did I know Black people were here? I was looking around my room. Lunch is going to be awful. It's not going to be seasoned. It's not going to be good. I was just wondering where all of the Black people were. And I'd had a bad experience at one one time where I was going around to different booths. And there's one particular booth that I really want to see the products.

I want to see what they had new. And I'm standing there like, La La La. And the lady is just ignoring me. The sales rep. And she was talking to somebody else, but usually they'd be like, Hey, I'll be right with you. She didn't even like look my direction. Harley song weighting her patiently. And another person comes up and she's like,

hey, you're next, I'll be right with you. I'm standing there, I'm up there. And so another guy, one of the distributor reps who knew me came over to the table and was like, you know, Susie Kew, this is Shawnee. She has two stores in a DC area. And then she's like, oh, hey, how are you? I'm like, nah, I was too late.

No way. Too late. And it's just, I don't know if, it's just a good old boy network. Like, when you go there, every one of you know what's each other. It's a good old wife when everyone knows each other. Like, oh, how Sally in the kids.

It's amazing. And I just did not fit in. And the later years is getting, it seems like it's getting better. But yeah, I didn't have a good experience. It was hardly any black sex toy manufacturers. I like to support. Have you found, so what's some of your favorite black sex toy manufacturers? Some of my favorites is a New York toy collective. They have great dildos, great, great, great dildos. Oh, I always looking for great dildos. Yeah, for my list of great dildos.

Okay. Yeah, also there is enderotics. They sell a CBD massage oil and she also has a line of sex toys. Just last week I was throwing a IG live with a B condoms. They're the only black on condoms. I just got them. I love that.

Oh, yeah. Oh my God, I've never seen such beautiful condoms. I still haven't tried them out yet. My husband, we've been, we've been having raw dope sets for places. Right. He's like, really a condom? He's like, that's why we're together committed.

I don't, but it's a work. So somebody sent us some condoms before who sent us kind of Laylo lay low send us the hex condoms. Oh, and I just pulled out a condom like I didn't I didn't practice the conversation was like, Hey, let's try out these condoms. I was just like, here's a condom for you to put on and he's like, we need to have a conversation like I'm like, no, I'm not burning. I don't have anything. I just want to try out these text condoms,

because this will be really strong. And we tried them out. But yeah, he doesn't. He's not with the condoms. But we are going to test them. But I can't do it to all my staff. It's part of the job. Like, we got to test out everything.

So let's talk about marijuana and sex. I know you also have a CBD line, right? I do. So let's start it off with, it actually started from CBD Loom, where maybe like two years ago, or so it was like the big thing and the sex one and the huge. So I started co-sailing it from different places and I got such good feedback and I started using myself and loved it. And then the more I started research and CBD, I learned that it was so many ways that I could take it and I have anxiety issues and you know doesn't do I say that's what I most use it for anxiety and

mental crap yeah and so I started using it and the more I talk about it especially with black people no one know what see what he was or they thought they won't get locked up for using it and all these things so I was So I was like, you know what, I want to form a company that's specifically targeting African-Americans, the token of that CBD, how can it hand some lives. We're on so many different prescriptions and over-the-counter medicines that have all kinds of effects.

Yes. Yes. And so I love CBD. That's what COVID kind of put a little monkey wrench in my whole thing, but put a monkey wrench at everything, right? No, but I think it's not there. And then I launched my own CBD line with CBD lubricant lines.

So I have a silicone loop and a little base loop that doubles as a massage oil. And I love it. I love so much. Like, let's talk about the benefits. It helps with anxiety. Like if you, even if you're vagina's anxious, it can I love so much. Like, let's talk about the benefits. It helps with anxiety. Like, if you, even if you're vagina's anxious, it can help relax your vagina. It does.

I'm in pain. Well, instead of grabbing your glass of wine, which was just like a lot of people do, I still have my last bottle. No judgment. No judgment, but some people depend on it to relax them. And having drunk sex all the time, that might not be the most fun.

Right. And then some people have sexual trauma and different things like that. Just relaxing your mind, because it's a mind thing. Yes. So you could focus on the pleasure instead of thinking about all the other bad things

that you want to get out of your head. Yeah. And also for pleasure reasons, CVD is a vascular dilated meaning that it increases blood flow. So the more blood flow to all your good parts, it's going to increase the pleasure which can lead to bigger orgasms. I just learned this out through using it. I'm not a big anal sex person, but it's anal sex all the Cedar talk all this is blood stuff. And all of a guess,

thought I was like, you know what? I should use my CV to have anal sex. Because I'm winning people, you know, tense up and everything. So I'm not really into anal, but sometimes I like it. Little, you know, first birthday Christmas, all the content. So I was like, well, let me just speak.

So I was like, let me try it. And I don't know if it was a combination of me, my brain knowing it was there, and it relaxed me more, or I'm sure the CBD helped relax also, but it was just such a better experience using CBD Lou. Yeah, that makes sense, because we tense up with Adeliga,

we just be clenched. And there's something ritualistic about the CBD looms too. It's that even if it's who knows, I know that it works, but also just the ritual of putting it on, waiting a few minutes, waiting for ticket, you expecting that it's gonna help you relax, actually can also allow you to relax into your body

more and not clench up and not even we do that, we clench up all over, right? So you'll clench up pelvic floor. So I love that it releases tension. I love it. One of my girlfriend, she has an omitiosis rollback and she said she loves it. A lot of times when you have painful sex,

you automatically equate sex with pain. See, she said using the CB loop over and over again and made her not think, okay, I'm about to have sex is going to be painful. But she kind of like helped rewire her brain. It's like a somatic exactly. Every wire is the brain and also CBD is at a one time thing.

What I've found and what I've heard from many people, you probably have two, Shawnee, is that it takes a little bit of time, you use it a few times in a row, then it just starts to work even better. Have you noticed? Yeah. Yeah. I used it once, it didn't work.

It's like, okay, settle it. You have to get the money. You have to get the money. So, CBD products also, some people like, especially like the gummies, it always like, well, it took it one time and it really didn't do anything. Well, you know, take it for a winch drink. Let's try that. Get it in the system, get it going, and then report back. Shawnee, thank you so much for being here. I have to ask you,

well, first off, what's your favorite toy? And then I have to ask you my five quicky questions. We asked all of our guests. What is your favorite toy today? My favorite toy today is the womanizer duo. Oh, that's the one I was trying to think of, the duo. But do you not think her writing on ticket? No, it's just G-spot and the pleasure wave for the duo. All right, G-spot and the pleasure wave, yeah. Oh, I'm glad you're reminding me, that's gonna be my weekend toy. Oh my God.

I'm gonna go charge it. Everything. And I love how it has the sense motion. I forget what they exactly call it. But when you know touch that, what's it called the smart silent technology? Yes. And you could just, you know,

when I'm finished, I just toss it next to me on the day. You just don't sit turns off. Yeah, your toss it turns off. It's the best. Especially if you have kids in the house or neighbors or you just are like too too freaking tired to do it, it just shuts off.

And then it saves the battery. It's brilliant. It's a brilliant toy around. I love it. It's a splurge. A lot of people ask me, what's my favorite toy? I'm like, is this one? It's a splurge, but it's worth it. It's for itself. Talk about self love and self care. This is where you splurge. You're going to get way more than those parachutes. That's my personal belief. Okay, these are our quicky questions. We ask all of our guests.

Are you ready? Yeah. Shiny heart. What is your biggest turn on? Confidence. Biggest turn off. Stinky balls. What make up good sex?

Fourth way. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Ooh, girl, that'd be a whole book. But one thing I would tell my younger self would be to take your time and not try to be like everybody else in past sex when you're ready. Love it. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? Everyone wish I wish everyone knew about sex. Everyone wish I wish everyone knew about sex. I wish everyone knew that their own pleasure can be a party and should be.

I love it. Those are great answers. Go to heart desires.com, H-A-R-T-S, desires.com. Sex stuff with Shanny on Instagram. We'll put your blog post in here as well. Thank you so much for being here. I so appreciate you. It's so lovely to meet you. Hopefully one day, not on Zoom. I know. Right, it was nice to meet you.

Thanks for having me. Thank you. We'll be back soon with more Sex with Emily. But that's it for today. Subscribe to Sex with Emily for more sex, dating, and relationship advice. You can find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily. more sex, dating, and relationship advice. You can find us on all social media, it is Sex with Emily. Was it good for you?

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