Sex With Emily - Ready to Get Naughty?

Episode Date: November 24, 2021

It’s frustrating but true: sex isn’t a button that we can automatically turn on and off. In fact, “sex” is a catch-all term for arousal, body exploration, play, and erotic collaboration—not simply penetration. So what do you do when you want to get naughty, but your body isn’t on-board? On today’s Ask Emily show, we’re taking a look at the body’s response to sex, and figuring out what to do when it shuts down. Say you’ve got a gag reflex around oral: does that mean no blowjobs? Nah - I’ve got a trick for that. How about vaginismus, when the vulva clenches so tightly at penetration, that sex is super painful? I’ve got advice! Finally, let’s talk about your partners: is it kosher to use old toys with a new lover? How do you broach the subject? And when you’re newly married, but the sex has serious problems, where do you turn? At the root of good sex is good communication, and on today’s episode, we challenge everyone to articulate their needs, and listen to their partners.Show Notes:Clean your toys with UveeSan Diego Sexual MedicineDr. Sherry's She-ology DilatorsSystem Jo Lubricants Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We have to be prepared that when we have these outside the bedroom conversations, which is the majority of sex conversations, that our partner, many times, are going to immediately go into like a panic, fighter flight mode. Because most of us are not used to people having conversations about sex with us, that we assume when they do, we've done something wrong, we're inadequate. So just be prepared for that. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation

around sex. It's frustrating, but true. Sex isn't a button that we can automatically turn on and off. In fact, sex is a catch all term for a rousal, body exploration, play, and a rotic collaboration. Not simply PIV penetration or penis goes in vagina. So, what do you do when you want the sex? You need the sex, but your body isn't on board or conversely when your body isn't on board, or conversely when their body is an on board. On today's Ask Emily Show, we're taking a look at the body's response to sex and figuring

out what to do when it shuts down. Say you've got a gag reflex around oral. Does that mean no blow jobs? Nah, I've got a trick for that. How about vaginismus when the vulva clenches so tightly at penetration that sex is super painful? Well, I've got advice. But finally, let's talk about your partners. Is it kosher to use old toys with a new lover?

How do you even brooch the subject? And when you're newly married, but the sex has serious problems, where do you turn? I say counseling. I mean, at the root of good sex is good communication. And on today's episode, we challenge everyone to articulate their needs and listen to their partners. All right, intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in setting an intention

for the show. I do it and I encourage you all to do the same. Well, my intention is to help you overcome the common obstacles that arise when it comes Join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you all to do the same. Well my intention is to help you overcome the common obstacles that arise when it comes to sex. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article Ask Emily, How do I make scheduling sex sexy is up at sexwithemle.com. Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice.

If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739 or leave me a question at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Our next call is Jeff. Hi, how are you Jeff? Good, how are you? I'm good. It's good to talk to you in person. I've been listening to you for years.

Oh, I'm so glad. How can I help you? What's going on? Well, I am newly married, but it's not a conventional marriage. I did a kind of an any day fiance thing. Really? Because yeah, because I live in Oklahoma. Okay.

And I'm from Atlanta, but I live in Oklahoma and it's very difficult to meet people here. And after seven or so years of frustration, I decided I had to mix it up and do something different and go overseas. Yeah, so I did that. Okay, wow. So you found her, you found her through. I found her online through an international dating site. Great, okay. Yeah, and we started talking in right before COVID November 2019. So we're at two years now. Okay, great. And she and her son moved here. We got the K-1 visa and she and her son moved here in June. So they've been here five months. We got married in August. It has been quite the culture shock. She's Ukrainian, by the way.

I was going to ask where she's from. She's Ukrainian. Okay. And how old is she? She's 35. And how old are you? 53. Okay. It's got it. So she's Ukrainian. She hadn't been here before. She had never been here before. Very different culture. Okay. Did you meet before she arrived? Yes, I flew to Kiev and we took a vacation together. We went from Kiev to Barcelona and spent a week in Barcelona and then our vacation got cut short because that was right when COVID was starting March of 2020. Okay. So I was supposed to go back to Ukraine with her and spend some more time with her, but I had to come back home. She went back to Ukraine and then we started the I started the application for the K1 visa, which took like over a year. Oh, okay. That's a whole thing. So you're saying she's there now. So what's going on? I feel like we're mismatched sexually and not just sexually, but that's what, obviously, I'm talking to you about. I was single for 12 years

before we got married and, know, I had my share of flings even though that's not really who I am and who I, you know, I wanted to be remarried. You know, I got divorced. So I kept trying to find my next wife, but I say that to say I've got a lot of experience. I don't pretend like I know everything about a woman because I know everyone's different. Oh my gosh. Like nothing that I do that I've done with previous women turns her on touching her nipples, touching her clitoris. I mean, actually she hates that. She's not a big fan of receiving oral sex. And I'm a big fan of giving it. That's sometimes she likes it, but she's always like,

I can take direction, but it's like constantly like moving my head and you know and I'm just I'm just thinking why am I even bothering here if she's well least she's trying to learn yeah she's trying to direct me and I'm trying to take direction but it's also frustrating because I think just when I think I've got it she's no I don't like that do this Or do you think that she intersects though? Does she like it when you're having sex? Does she? She does, but she can only orgasm in one position.

It's the same position every single time. So for me, it's gotten a little bit boring. Well, that's common. Oh, it is. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, what position is it? On her stomach. Okay, I mean that's everyone's most people have a position that they come in. So how comfortable is she around

sex and like where she grew up? Do you know if she were her sexual history? I don't know much about her sexual history actually. She's not very open about it. I asked her because I suspected we were on vacation together that maybe she had because I suspected we were on vacation together that maybe she had been abused because we were right in the middle of it and she literally pushed me off of her and went into the bathroom and for like 10 minutes and I thought what just happened here?

And we talked about it and she said she was just frustrated because she couldn't climax. And I thought, that's strange. I've never had that reaction before. Oh yeah. Well, it sounds like you guys are still getting to know each other. And you said that there's other some issues that you're also not matched about because it's not sexism just like this thing that we can turn on and off. It's also factors to do other things happening in the relationship. If there's ever, if there's resentments or if there's depression or if she's on any medication or she's worried

or about something or I don't know. But what else is going on? We have communication issues. In fact, we just went through like an intense three-day workshop. It was an online workshop, but it was for couples that were considering splitting up. And I don't think she realized how serious I was second-guessing my decision to marry her. How serious the situation had become, because we're just still communicating now. If it's, our communication is, what chores

she wants me to do, or can she buy this through that because she can't work yet legally in this country. So it's always like, surfacy, either chores or what are we gonna do? What are our plans for this or that? It's never like any deep conversation with her. Yeah. Do you think she has experience having, do you think it's a language thing? Does she house her English?

No, she's pretty fluent. I mean, obviously she's more fluent in Russian, but she's pretty fluent. So I don't think it's that. Do you think that she's... But I do think, even if she calls herself a feminist, which I don't like the word, admittedly, don't really like that word, but that actually brings me back to one of the arguments

is because she, these are self-disaffeminists and she is home now and I'm the one working. She's not like cooking or she cooks some, but she's not like, I wouldn't say she's like filling a even temporarily traditional role which is what I would like her to do not permanently but while she's not working. And so there's been a lot of tension over that. Did you guys have any conversations about this before you got married about the expectations about how life would go down and what you wanted and what she wanted. We did. We did pre-marital counseling.

I had a pastor who's a friend of mine go through it with us. Okay. And she said, I will be working. I will be cooking. I will be taking care of you in that way. That's important to me. She's not exactly, I think she's just not really much of a nurturer. No, she didn't really say I will be taking care of you. She didn't use those words. She thinks that everything should be split 50-50 and if she feels like I'm taking advantage, you know, she's just not going to do it. And I feel like I'm being used and taking advantage of because I'm the one working, earning all the money. I'm the one paying for her paperwork to, you know, help her get established here and paying for her education. So she can be a certification for a job. I'm doing all these things. And I do little things for her. I buy her flowers and stuff.

And I just, I just am not getting much back. Have you ever asked her what she needs from you? Yeah, that was part of this past weekend. Would you find out? I think she needs words of affirmation, and I think she likes acts of service. My top two level languages are quality time and acts of service. And I'm not really getting any either one.

OK, have you let her know what that would look like for you? I haven't exactly well, I spelled out the quality time. It kind of comes out sideways because I get frustrated. She'll be on her phone on social media when we're supposed to be spending time together and I'm just like, well, I'm going to, I feel like I'm alone. I'm not supposed to be sitting here alone. Do you guys have an attraction? Do you a freem- mean?

Do you love each other? Yeah, yeah, we do. Although I admit I'm my end-fading because I Yeah, we do. Although I have been on my own if I'm fading because I'm seeing who she is and I'm not sure who she is as who I want to be with. Or if maybe if I change some behaviors, some communication style, if she'll become more of who I want to be with naturally, I don't know. I mean, I can't change or I can't make her change. Right. It's still really new. That's why I'm wondering if you guys could continue to go

to counseling because I think that's really important. It sounds like you're having some fundamental challenges right now around a lot of things like just like lifestyle. She's adjusting to a new country. It's a lot going on and And you're also, you're supporting her. But maybe she's resentful for that. Maybe she wants to be more independent. Maybe she misses her home. I don't get that from her though. I don't get any of those from her, really.

I mean, I feel like she thinks she's entitled and that, you know, I'm doing what a man is supposed to do. So in some ways, it's like, she thinks traditionally and she's got pretty, you know, she's got good morals and all that. But in other ways, she's in the ways that are meaningful to me. She's not traditional. So it's kind of confusing for me at times.

Well, it sounds like there's starting to be some like resentments on both sides of your life. She's not really a feminist or she's saying, she's a feminist, you have all these expectations and she's got some expectations. And really that's what relationships are she saying she's a feminist, you have all these expectations and she's got some expectations. And really that's what relationships are, understanding your partner's needs and really both actively wanting to work

on the relationship and deepening communication. And so I think that the sooner you guys get into, you should go see a counselor together. Like once a week, okay, but I think it's ongoing for the next maybe a few weeks and months and just see, I think you'll have your answer. Like you'll know if it's not meant to be and you guys aren't willing to make compromises

to make it work, then I think you'll know. But it sounds like these are really fundamental, like she thinks she's right, you think you're right. There's like nothing I can tell you right now that is gonna be some magic formula to get her to, you know, want more sex. So I'm sorry that this is happening. And I think that sounds like just you need to have some more

on his conversations with the help of a counselor. That sounds like to me. Yeah, I just feel like I'm putting in all the work. Like the example I'll give you is this workshop. I did all, we had homework every single day and I did all of it and she still hasn't finished it. And the workshop is over and we're supposed to read a couple of different books

on relationships and I've done all the reading and everything else. Maybe you guys could do it together. Maybe that's not her thing. Maybe for her, you could have a date night where you guys are doing the exercises together. Yeah.

You could read it together. Maybe she's not a big reader. Maybe she's the homework getting it done. Well, I do think it's, I mean, I know it's challenging for her because English is her second language. Even though she's fluent, it like takes. Well, I do think it's, I mean, I know it's challenging for her because English is her second language, even though she's fluent, it like takes her longer to read.

Yeah, of course. Yeah, of course. That makes sense. So I don't know, it sounds like. She's kind of a procrastinator with that stuff, and I'm keep telling her, this is really important to me. And I'm retouched.

She probably resents that. I can tell you from being, I'm a procrastinator, and what was really helpful for me is if somebody like sits with me and says, okay, as a calm tone and say, this is important, what do you need to get this done?

Like, what would the first that be? And like, maybe they'll even sit with me while I do the homework. They sit with me while I read. So maybe she needs to do it with you and make it fun. You know, make it positive. Like, you need to do this homework when I'm away. Like, you'd be like, fuck you, dad. You know, yeah, I think that that there maybe there's some tone thing she needs to be nurtured a

little bit. Sounds like she needs some words of affirmation, even when you don't feel like it. And maybe some more softness from you. Yeah, and I try to be playful, but she pushes me away. Playful in a way I know how to be playful, you know, with touching and things like that. And she just, you know, she just, you know, with touching and things like that. And she just, you know, she just, you know, I think you should ask her, what's playful, what's fun? Have her show you her favorite movie or like what culturally, and maybe ask her, do you ever ask her to cook for you or do something culturally

that just gets to know her on a deeper level than you'll be able to have deeper conversations. What was the hardest? You know, Esther Perrell has a great board game that just came out, a great card game, and came out, a great card game. There's all these great questions that you can ask your partner about each other. You can ask about what their dreams and their hopes and what would they rather, I can't think of any questions right now, but there's a lot of great questions. And that's all for that. Yeah. Look it up. Esther Perrell, we did a great podcast with

her to talk about it. So that's what I got for you. Okay. Jeff, I would keep trying it, but just just keeping honest and keep talking about it. Let me know how it goes. Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thanks Jeff. Have a great night. Bye. Bye. There's a lot of different card games out there now that you can with your partner, you can ask the questions, get to know each other. But also, I mean, you guys know how to have a lot therapy. I think every couple needs therapy. Should be excited to have a therapist. Like, you have a dentist, right? You go twice a year.

I mean, you have a doctor. You have a mechanic. If your car breaks down, if you're having challenges communicating your relationship and there's no budge room, there's no, no, no, your partner is 100% sure that they're at,

you're the right. And you think you're, that you're never going to get anywhere. So, think you're, that you're never gonna get anywhere. So, get some outside health and sometimes get your answers. And if it's not meant to be, it's better to find out now than to wait years and years and years with somebody. I think that the sooner we go in a therapy,

it's a much efficient, faster way to figure out, should we stay or should we go? This is from Lawrence, 69 in California. Hey, Dr. Emily, I had a long-term partner while Baku showed me how to use toys with her in the bedroom. It obviously added a lot to her pleasure. Since then, I thought of introducing the idea of using toys to pleasure by partners.

And I happened to have a new, out-of-the-package one in my bedstand drawer ready for the right occasion. My question is, what's the best way to suggest using it? Do I reach for it? Ask her if she wants me to try it? Should I bring up the idea before we have sex? If I keep it by my bed, should I sue only to toss it and buy a new one if we stop seeking each other?

I'm sure I'll have more questions I'm not thinking of now, so please help me with any thoughts you have. All right, Lawrence, I love this question. It is so common. We don't know what to do. How do you bring up these conversations? When it comes to toys, remember this. You want to have the conversation

outside the bedroom first. If you just bring a toy at a partner sometimes when you're in the moment, it might be confusing. She might not know why you brought it up. She might never have used a toy. So we can really avoid right now any of that awkwardness and just when you're hanging out Maybe you're a dinner or just having a good time. You could say you'd love to talk to you more about our sex life

And what you're into have you ever used toys because I'm really into it I think it's really hot when you know my partner's used toys in front of me It's that something you'd be into. Really, and then you just listen to what she says. Maybe she'll say, no, I've never done that before. And say, tell me more about that. And maybe she'll want to try it. Or maybe she'll have a lot more questions for you.

We have to be prepared that when we have these outside the bedroom conversations, which is the majority of sex conversations, that our partner, many times, are going to immediately go into like a panic fighter flight mode because most of us are not used to people having conversations about sex with us that we assume when they do we've done something wrong or inadequate. So just be prepared for that. So I'm picturing in your case Laurence she might say, oh, why do you want that?

Am I not good enough? Do you not think I can have orgasms? You know, you really have to say to her, no, I really have to tell you, I understand why these might be your concerns. But I think it's really sexy to help a woman feel so much pleasure in her body and using a toys really does that for me. So there's no pressure here. I just thought it might be something you're into.

And if you're not, also cool. Let me know what you are into. So it's just a great way to start the conversation. And who knows what else could come up. But I think it's important to definitely talk about toys before if you've never talked about them in the past. The next thing is, what do you do with old toys? There's a lot of things that I want to change about the sex conversation.

You know that, and it's my mission. And I wish that we could normalize keeping sex toys and using them with partners because toys are expensive They're a big purchase and they are sanitary. You can clean them using toy cleaner or damp cloth There's something called the UV and UV and it cleans your toys using UV light some toys can be boiled You got to check it's a lot to throw out a toy But let me give you the other side of the coin I understand that a lot of partners would be like where's that thing been? Like who are you using it with and then automatically it comes to mind is the past partner and then they can't stop thinking about the past partner

And here's a toy so I would be really careful at first to make sure that you're using fresh toys and If it's their first time or Maybe if a partner who understands that toys can be sanitized and can be used across multiple partners. People do it all the time, people in open relationships. Think about it when you go to your doctor's office, she's clearing out instruments that have been used inside you view, right, or used all around you. They clean, they sanitize.

So I'm just saying, I understand the concern, but also you've got to be mindful of our partner. First, let's just see if she's on board with the toys. That's a great question. Thank you. After the break, I talked to Corrine, whose gab reflex is getting in the way of giving oral. Has this happened to you? Well, I'll set you upareen, 26 in California.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you too. Thanks for calling in. How can I help you? So I have this issue where I have this very active gag reflex. So anytime I try to give oral even if it's just the tip, I can't seem to get past it, I gag immediately. And it's really frustrating.

Oh my God, okay, well, I have some tips for you. That is a common thing too, that people sometimes just have a gag reflex. And there is something, there's a toothbrush trick that you could try where you put a toothbrush in your mouth and you, every night, you hold it down for like a minute and even if it's just right there.

And then you do that and you look in the mirror, you just see it. And then like every night you can do it. And every night you're gonna find that you'll be able to move the toothbrush back a little bit more and that can help with your guide reflex. Take it to where you're gonna guide and it's like you're going to gag and say you're practicing you are training a muscle and it's something that

can really help with that. So what do you think it's about? Do you have a guide reflex with other things or did you have a bad experience with oral sex? No, it's just with everything, even just like brushing my teeth, taking a pill, going to the dentist. Aribal. OK. I recommend that you try this trick. It's literally like the toothbrush trick. And I've taught it to a lot of people. And it totally works. Because if you said to me, no, I can do everything else.

It's fine. But with it's just with penises, I'd say, OK, well, then maybe there's something else going on. Maybe you've had some bad experience. But you're saying it's everything. We have some great flavored lube. That's great system Joe makes flavored lube that sounds that tastes really great.

Like maybe having some taste of that in your mouth could help when you're giving a blowjob. I don't know, but it doesn't sound like it's about the taste. It's truly about the gag reflex. So yeah, I mean, what if that could solve it? Yeah, if it can solve it, that would be great. But I find like, if I drink alcohol and get drunk, I can do a blowjob and that's fine.

It's like that lack of sensation helps, but I don't want to be drunk every time we have sex. I don't blame you. You're gonna be surprised. You gotta call me back though, let me know how it goes. I think this is gonna go quickly for you though. Okay, I hope so.

Okay, I'm here for you. Let me know, okay? Bye. Bye. All right, guys, remember, you. Let me know, okay? Bye. Bye. All right, guys, remember, you don't have to suffer through a lot of things that you're suffering through right now. Remember, just call me. I can help you out.

Get reflux. That's an easy one. Try that exercise. Comment with your questions. I can help you guys. Remember, a lot of this stuff is just a practice. So I do it your gag reflex or it's learning to initiate sex or it's about Talk you might your fantasies. Remember we haven't done a lot of this before which is why it's so hard We've got Lauren. She's 25 in Orange County

Hi, hi so good to see you. Let me know how can I help you? I think I submitted to you about vaginismus and so it's not something that I hear a lot about. I mean I've heard through social media and like podcast I've heard a lot of talk about like endometriosis but I never really hear a lot about vaginismus and the pain. And it wasn't until I was in a five-year relationship and first time like having sex and then okay sex hurts it's like that old white tail like oh sex is gonna hurt and then it gets better but over time it started

turning into an issue right and not just with sex but also when I would go to the gynecologist and get pap smears and with tampon insertion. So I was like okay okay, something is off. Even though I'm in my mind, I'm like, okay, I'm ready to have sex. Like I'm just with my boyfriend. And then as he goes in, it's just my body rejects it. It's like hitting a wall.

And this has been going on for five years? Yeah, since I was like 21. And I'm 25 right now. Okay. First, what did your gynecologist say? It actually was not that great. I actually spoke to my healthcare professional about it first before I spoke to my gynecologist because as she was doing the pap smear I was in tears Emily and

She was like have you had sex before and I was like yes, I'm I have a boyfriend I'm taking like birth control like right now and then she had to like stop doing the pap spare she was like I can't do this You're in so much pain like I don't know what's going on with you She was like this is like incomplete. I can't do this And I feel like she didn't believe me when I was bringing it up and I was like I don't like bringing this up Especially when I would you know when it comes to like my period and I would tell me, yeah, like I can't even get tampons in comfortably. And then she was kind of like, yeah, she's like, you're like doing it wrong. And I told my mom and I like called my mom like crying

and I was like, mom, this is like terrible. She made me feel so bad. It's already embarrassing enough that I have to be like dealing with this whereas like my internal physician was definitely very understanding with me and you know and she spoke about options. I know that there's dilators that you can use. Well my first recommendation would be to go see a pelvic floor physical therapist. Okay. And find a new gynecologist right away. So pelvic floor physical therapist can diagnose you and figure out what it is. And then they work with you on the dilators and on expanding, you know, what happens is you wear a dilator and you start with a small one.

Like it's because of a lifetime of clenching. Like for whatever reason your muscles are wrapped around tightly and then they start to unwind around the dilator then you can start to eventually be able to go up but they can put their fingers inside of you. They can work with you to see what it is because there's so many, there's a lot of different causes for it. I mean, it could be, you could be born with

an overgrowth of nerves in certain areas. Do you ever had any trauma, sexual trauma going up? Was there a problem? I have not. Definitely grew up in a family that wasn't very like sex positive, whereas now I feel like, you know, it's definitely people are more open to talking about it. But yeah, so no like trauma or anything, I just had that like relationship.

Okay. What's occurring over time? So sex isn't impossible, but there's times where it takes 20 minutes to really get into it. And I got to get you some help. Yeah, there is a center for San Diego sexual medicine. There's a doctor named Dr. Erwin Goldstein. And he is a leader of all things sexual pain for women.

He has been doing this work a long time. He's in his seventies, and he has helped so many women. I'm just thinking you're in the area, and you could maybe check him out and see. I have a friend who went there recently. She's like 35 or 36, and for 10 years she's been seeing doctors about her pain and thought it was vaginism, or vulva dinea. And she finally went to Dr. Gold Goldstein and it was able to realize that she had some nerve endings that were head to surgery. And so there's a lot of different things

right now. I'm just I'm always learning too. So I think if you want to just start with a public floor person you physical therapist near you, they could help you take the next steps. Because I don't want you to be in pain, you don't have to be in pain. Right. There are dilators, and I wouldn't recommend doing your kegels or anything, either, because that could sometimes could cause more pain. How are you with other touch?

Do you have pleasure during sex once it happens? Yeah, so I'm able to get into it. I love it. I'm avoiding it now just because of the pain, but then once you know of starts to go in, and it's just, it's weird too, because last time it took me like 20 minutes to really get into it,

and then it was fine after, but in the beginning, it's just, there's like a certain spot, and it's just like my body rejects it. It's like I have to train myself to relax, which is weird because it's consensual. I didn't want to do this, but my body and my brain

are on two different zip codes. Yes, exactly. Because I can't really pinpoint what constant, whereas if I can say if it was trauma, then I can say, oh, what's the trauma? It's, I feel like it's just a cluster of things I contribute this way. Well, that's why you're going to find out.

And what I love, Lauren, is how much you're thinking about this and researching it. I would love you to see professionals that not unlike your gynecologist, you actually specialize in this. Hopefully your health insurance could take care of that. That another thing is when you are together to answer your question about healthy or sex, is to go slow and cuddle and touch and have him help you rub the lotion in and help you get in the mood so you don't feel like it's just penetration because so many of us don't have the most pleasure

during penetration anyway. We want other touches, we want other things. So I think what's difficult to is like bringing it up like in conversation because that's where I get a little like awkward like talking about like okay I'm like I don't want to bring it in the moment because then that's where I get a little awkward talking about, I'm like, okay, I don't want to bring it in the moment because then that's going to ruin the moment, but just to give you a heads up, so this is an ongoing thing. It just happens, I can't control it, which sucks. I mean, I can feel when it's happening,

it's all in the inner thigh. Well, I'm comfortable with it, but it's hard for me, because I don't know how the other person's going to feel, they're like, okay, well,'t I have to deal with this? I have even more of a week now. Okay, you've been avoiding. Of course, we don't know how we're not trained how to talk about sexual things with our partners.

So I would talk to them outside the bedroom. I have three teas of communication. It's timing, tone, and turf. And you want to find a time when you guys are hanging out, having a good time. The turf is outside the bedroom. and your tone is curious and open, and you just say, hey, I want you to know that this is, I know this is happening, you've been with him for a few years, you said, right?

Five years? Well, we're not together anymore. And so I've been dating other people, but I found that it's the same thing again. When you're with these guys, you can just say, I have pain. This is just, it's really common. And I just want you to just tell them and say, I want you know that sometimes I need to go slow or I have this hurt to

have sex. I'm working on it. But right now I need to go slow. I need you to do other things to me that feel good. Maybe they go down on you and they because it sounds like externally you don't have pain. It's all like internal. So external no, it's just everything is like internal. So I mean, how does does oral sex feel they could go down in you and help you Yeah, I think that you could be a great teacher to these men that you're dating They need to understand that not all women are ready to go for a multitude of reasons and yours happens to be pain that you're working on Right you got this you not have to be in pain. I'm gonna keep you posted in your journey. I'm here for you

Okay, I learned definitely why I'm not have to be in pain. I'm gonna keep me posted on your journey. I'm here for you. Thank you. Okay, bye. Definitely, bye. Pain, you guys. Pain is real. A lot of us with vulvas, during sex, have sexual pain. You gotta talk to your doctors.

Unfortunately, our gynecologist, many gynecologists do not realize that women have pain, that vulvas have pain, even though you're gynecologists, and they're in the business of a genus, they're not in the business of vaginal pain. And if you've been shamed or shut down about it, I'm so sorry and I want you to get some

help. We've done a lot of episodes on pain. We've done a bunch of Heather Jeff coat. Heather Jeff Coates book is Sex Without Pain, a self-treatment guide to the sex life you deserve. And that is a really great book. But I want to normalize this for you that if you have fesonism, or vulvadinia, any of these reasons why you've paid now,

we're finding out there's so many reasons you have to get it checked out by a professional. Somebody who specializes in your health, don't worry about pleasing your partners at this point, don't worry about being embarrassed or shameful, but gets help. There's a lot of resources out there, and I'm here for you too.

That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. email me feedback at sexwithmleaf.com