Sex With Emily - Real Men Do Kegels (And Other Tips for Edging)

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

Let’s train our orgasm muscle: the pelvic floor. We all have one. And like our other muscles, strengthening it can yield physical benefits. In this case, a more explosive orgasm. On today’s show I put the spotlight on edging – a sex technique for more intense orgasms – and give you a slew of additional tips for maximizing your pleasure. Penis owners, do you use toys yet? Because I’ve got killer recommendations for you. People in relationships, ever been cheated on? I help one caller move through the process. Stuck in the friendzone? Through direct communication, we can all escape platonic purgatory.Show Notes:Tickets to Book Release Event with Jen FreedPlayground (get 15% off first order with code SEXWITHEMILY) How to Climax Harder and Faster Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You want to train your body. First thing I recommend for all men is edging. And that is what we've been talking about is when you're masturbating, you masturbate until your belly, let's say 100% is an orgasm, right? So you masturbate until like you're at 75% you feel like you're about to hit the edge and then you come back down. And you are playing with those muscles you're actually learning to understand your jackatory control. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

So let's train our orgasm muscle, the pelvic floor. We all have one and like our other muscles, strengthening it can yield physical benefits. In this case, a more explosive orgasm. On today's show, I put the spotlight on edging, a sex technique for more intense orgasm and give you a slew of additional tips for maximizing your pleasure. So, penis owners, I have a question. Do you use toys yet? Because I've got killer recommendations for you.

So people in relationships, have you ever been cheated on? I have one color move through the process. Stuck in the friend zone through direct communication we can all escape platonic purgatory. Intentions with Emily. So for each episode join me in setting in tension for the show. So when you're listening, what are you going to get out of this episode? How might it help you? Well my intention is to prescribe the sex and communication tools you need to feel more stimulation and security in your relationships, because we are all capable of and deserve more orgasmic relationships with our partners and ourselves.

Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Check out my YouTube channel Social Media and TikTok. It's all at Sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And if you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Or call my outline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show, and it's totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Today's episode is all about maximizing your pleasure, and listen, a big part of that is finding the right lubrication. You know if you've been listening, and even if you don't know, my dream, my vision,

has always been a lube on every nightstand. I think you need a lob for every sexual situation, whether it's with yourself or with a partner. And all of you ask me like what's the right loob, what kind should I get? Well, I'm very excited. I have an announcement about my partnership with Playground to be their chief sexologist. So Playground is a brand new sexual wellness company. And I've been working with them because they came to me and they showed me the formulations of this lube. It is my dream lube.

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It's like silky moisturizers and it's an herbal extract known to help balance hormone levels, it's like silky moisturizers and it's kind of like a mini-facial for your vulva. But not to worry, it's just a satisfying for penises. I just love that their loop is long lasting, the best packaging, flip top bottles, they look great on your nightstand, they have four different essences that you'll love. They're not sense, but they're just an essence, hint of something. I'm excited. I want to hear what you think about playground. Their clean is a stable products with the right ingredients. And I know you care about what

ingredients are in your food or your supplements or your medication. So I want you to care about what lubrication is made of before you put it in your body, right? So right now, my listeners can get 15% off their first order from HelloPlayground.com. Just use code sexwithemlee.com. Go check them out. I want to know what you think. It's helloplayground.com. Check out the link in the show notes. One more thing to plug. Finally, you've got to join me to live event in Los Angeles. I only got no one since before the pandemic. It's with my good friend, Dr. Jennifer Freed. She's a psychological astrologer. I know you've heard her on the show. It is Friday, October 7th at 6 p.m. and I want to see you there. I'm going

to put a ticket link in the show notes. Arde one, enjoyed this episode. So a few things I know that I want to talk to you about tonight. But the first thing I want to tell you is that interesting email from a guy who is like you talk so much about women's pleasure and she comes first and all these things. But what about men? What about men's pleasure and men's orgasms? And, you know, he has point. So we're gonna talk about men's pleasure as well. It's about how do we communicate about our needs?

How do we even get ahead of our needs before it becomes a big problem? This is from Ryan 48 in Indiana. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm trying to find information how a woman can give her man more and better orgasms. There doesn't seem to be much info on the subject. I can find plenty of information on how to give a woman more and better orgasms. Are there tips on how a man can improve his own orgasm?

Haven't found anything on a woman can help her man have bigger orgasms either. Apparently, a man is responsible for the quality of all orgasms in the sexual relationship, and women aren't. I know this sounds bitter, but it's really weighing on me. And I hear what he is saying, because I talk a lot on this show about women's orgasms and women's pleasure, and there's even a infamous book called, you know, She Comes First by Dr. Ian Kerner. I think it just had its 20-year anniversary. But I get how that could make you feel as a man. It's like, okay, so now we're responsible for everything. We gotta ask someone out. We gotta make all the moves. And I hear you and I understand

that and it is not fair. But the reason why though, I say these things, is because women typically are the ones who are having challenges around orgasm and around arousal and around pleasure. Whereas men typically are going to have their orgasm. It's gonna happen, they're gonna get aroused out. You might orgasm too quickly before you want to. Oh, you might take you while the orgasm, but men are typically going to have an orgasm. That said, we can focus on that because there are ways that I might not even realize could enhance your own orgasm, whether you are alone, pleasing yourself, or whether you're with a partner. You can absolutely tell your partner what you might need.

Now I'm going to assume I'm going to talk about men being with women right now, because there are so many studies about couples in same-sex relationships. They have more pleasure, they have more orgasms, better communication. So a few things, and we also have a blog on our site called How to Come Harder and Faster. We'll put that in the show notes at sexwithemily.com

because everything we talk about on the show, you can find it sexwithemily.com. So it is really important to know your body first. So what actually feels good to you and how to be able to advocate that and let your partner know what feels good to you and being able to show them, like it feels really good when you touch the shaft of my penis that way, when you use your tongue this way. But I think a lot of it, you know, has to do with for men. Here's just a few points. First thing that comes to mind is edging.

We're talking technically about an orgasm, prolonging your pleasure. That's all about edging. And what I mean by edging is delay our gratification. So the practice of edging can delay orgasm. When you delay your orgasm, you can have a more intense climax. Your orgasms, again, nothing's for everyone, but I believe this is true from all the evidence for myself. When I wait for orgasm or I more rouse or there's more for play that would be pause on our way to climax. So when we kind of slow it down, we escalate. This is the edging. You get right to the edge and then you come back. That's how we call it edging. You get right to the edge of orgasm and then you dial it down.

You keep touching yourself until you're about to orgasm. Pull back. You get to the edge, pull back. The more you do that, when you finally orgasm, they finally ejaculate, your orgasm will be that much stronger. So you just, you know, you can do that a few times and see how it goes. So you can practice center on or with the partner. The more we wait, the more we build, the more we build tension and arousal, the stronger orgasms are going to be for everyone. So the truth is, the tips that I give for women, I also going to give for men, that there's

something about denying it. And edging technically is also a great thing for men who want's something about denying it. And edging technically is also a great thing for men who want to last longer and better. So if you are premature ejaculator, working on this practice of touching yourself mastermating until like you get to like 75 80% meaning like 100% you're about to orgasm. But you come back down to like 75% and then you stop. And when you stop and maybe you just go back to light touching, maybe if you're with your partner, you go back to like making out and then you go back and you start to build the arousal again and then maybe you come back down again.

You still don't let yourself ejaculate. When you do this process repeated cycle of escalation and de-escalation, when you actually do have that orgasm, you're way more likely to have a longer, maybe more intense, more pleasurable orgasm. You know, a lot of us don't make a doubt. Noise during sex. I gotta say that the more we are vocalized, the more sound we make, the louder our orgasm is,

that can actually also intensify your orgasm. A lot of us hold back because we're afraid that we make a noise, it sounds weird, or the neighbors are gonna hear us, but it's're afraid that we make a noise, it sounds weird, or the neighbors are going to hear us, but it's really hot to be, I think, to express yourself and be like, and I know, and I know it's better for your orgasm, too. I mean, everyone, I think, has the equal opportunity to having intense orgasms. I think that we all deserve to understand what it takes to have more pleasure, more orgasm. And so figuring out what that is for you, I think another thing is that a lot of it just

rush right to orgasm and then slowing down and taking your time, you know, one of my top tips is to go five times slower than you think. And that prolonging and that teasing and that arousal until the point of orgasm can be so friggin hot. So specifically for men too and this is for women actually. See I think a lot of my tips for enhancing orgasm and arousal for all genders. Kegel exercises can be done for everyone. Everyone can do them. We all have a pelvic floor and we all have those muscles and I know that a lot of men think that they don't realize they can do them.

But those are the muscles that are responsible for orgasms. So the stronger you can make them, they can give you more control over your orgasm. You could have more intense orgasms because you're building the muscles, response, like those are the muscles that you think about it. It's the pee-stopping muscles. So when you're trying to stop and start the flow of urine and you tense and relax and tense, those are the muscles. And if you do them five minutes a day,

you actually realize that you might have stronger orgasms, more pleasure, more bladder control as well. Because there's also some body parts that are actually going to make your orgasms stronger too. So the other thing for men to enhance their orgasms and their pleasure is you know, men have a prostate, right? We always talk about the female G-spot, women have the special spot,

special areas I like to call it, but for men, that is your prostate, and all men have a prostate. And for many men that can feel amazing and playing with that area, either when you're alone or with a partner, can really enhance your orgasms as well. Just using a finger and going inside, it can be sensitive,

you could do it at the same time of a rousal, when you're having sex with a partner, or when you're masturbating, playing with that, your prostate, and learning how to stimulate it could give you intense orgasms. Definitely intense by them. You know some other things you could do, kind of think of other areas, like the taint, your perinium.

Think about the taint, you could apply pressure in that area, right, in between your penis and your anus, that little area there, that could feel so good. Either you or your partner applying pressure right there in that area in between, because you're like indirectly stimulating the area, the prostate actually, you can stimulate your prostate because I'm externally by pressing on your perineum.

Did you know that? The taint, if you will. That can feel great as well. Another great thing, speaking of prostate, is Wi-Fi makes this product called the vector, and that is an easy way to explore your prostate. Put it inside your prostate. It vibrates. You can use an app to control it and explore.

Listen, it's all about exploration. Another great product to use at toy is the zoomio. And these are all on our website as well. But zoomio makes a really cool toy that it's sort of like built for exploring because we have so many nerve endings on our bodies that we don't ever explore. We're like, okay, my penis feels great. My nipples feel good. My clitoris. I love that. But the thing about the zoomios at pinpoints areas for pleasure. So you could use, you know, and listen, if you still feel like vibrators and vibrations and vibrators are only for women, vibrators would discriminate. They're good for all body parts. And it just is a way of sort of like slowly discovering what feels good. Another great thing to do is to slow down. Slow everything down.

Five times slower. That is going to prolong it. Let's talk to Nadine Forty. Hi Nadine, what's going on? Dr. Emily, I have a question. I'm sure. I really tries a lot of like medicine and he over the counter. Can you tell me how to last longer?

Yeah, absolutely. It's a great question because this is what we're talking about. We're talking about lasting longer. Now, you said you've tried medicines. I'm not sure what that is, but I wouldn't recommend any depressants. I mean, there is something. The only thing I would recommend is promescent because it's a topical pernopenus, men last up to 60% longer.

It's like you put it on 10, 15 minutes before intercourse and you can last longer. It's a delay spray. So that's one thing. So it's called per mess that we have on our site. But if you want to learn in 18, you want to train your body. First thing I recommend for all men is edging.

And that is what we've been talking about is when you're masturbating, you masturbate until you're masturbating, you masturbate until you're about like, let's say, you know, 100% is an orgasm, right? So you masturbate till like you're at 75% you feel like you're about to hit the edge and then you come back down and you are playing with those muscles. You're actually learning to understand your ejaculatory control. So you can understand and train yourself. So you don't orgasm. It also helps strengthen your pelvic floor muscles,

your kegels. Have you tried any of those things? No, honey, I didn't try to. I would recommend all those things, because it's a process. It's a process to last longer. I would just try to find somebody that works with men's health specifically.

And I would definitely get another opinion because I believe everything's possible, okay? This is from Sarah, 23 New York. Hey, I'm a 23-year-old girl with double A cups. I keep seeing posts that boob size doesn't matter, but I'm having trouble getting it through my head and it definitely affects my confidence in intimate situations. How can I feel confident in sexy in the bedroom with my super flat chest? All right, Sarah.

Thanks for this question because, you know, I get it. You don't see culture or society glorifying smaller breasts We're never told like from a young age like oh big boobs and all that stuff But here's the thing about confidence. It's just remember it is a I'm love that you're asking this at 23 because it is a process And it takes time to learn to accept our bodies and love our bodies I guess what I always thought was, and what I still believe, for my sexual confidence, what really helped me,

was understanding what felt good to me. So when I was with someone intimately, I felt confident in my ability to move in certain ways that felt good. Through masturbation, I learned about orgasm and I learned about pleasure. And so I feel like that confidence truly is, and I don't want to sound cliche, but that really is like the sexiest thing in the bedroom,

because somebody who's confident and knows their bodies and what feels good and knows how to give themselves pleasure and others pleasure, like that is sexy. So, well, I can't get you to say, like, you should just love your body. There's just certain amount of body acceptance that I like to preach. There's some things, you know, we've talked about exposure exercises, like getting naked in your bedroom and looking at your body and touching yourself all over and realizing like how magical your body is and how much pleasure you can give yourself.

Yeah, maybe you can have a nipple orgasm. I think that many of us can, but we don't know because we never try it out. And also just know that this whole notion that only like your partners want to be with that everyone is craving large breasts, I can tell you it's just not true. Now maybe I haven't been with those guys because they're just wouldn't be attracted to me, but like I don't spend my time worrying about the people that aren't attracted to me.

I spend my time worrying about the people that I'm attracted to and return that. They return that attraction. I could spend a lot of time on those negatives, but just like everything in life, when we focus on our literally our assets and the things that just make us who we are uniquely and all the pleasure and a Roger's owns and all those things. So I think the first thing realizing like it is in your head, maybe you were shamed, right? Maybe someone said, oh, I couldn't be with you. And then I would just say, like, even though that might hurt, that's not your person. And you will find someone who is your

person. So that's what I think. Again, it's a progress not perfection and keep working on yourself, not saying, I know they're small and just like, learning to say, you know what, I like my body. This is what my body can do and getting into your pleasure and rejecting the people that aren't for you. People show you who they are. Believe them. You guys, you could also send me questions to feedback at sexwithemily.com. I know a lot of you are setting emails through there and through Instagram, it's at Sex with Emily.

Okay, we have another one from AJ35 in Boston and he says, I'm a straight male, but I've used my girlfriend's vibrator on my frenulum and it feels pretty great. Is there another toy you'd recommend more? So if you don't know, the friendulum is the underside of the penis where the shaft meets the tip. So think about that.

Like the unwinds erect, the underside of it. There's this little area there. It actually is left over a rectile tissue. If you're circumcised, that's actually what that tissue is. Why it's so sensitive? Just FYI, and if you are non-circumcised, you're a whole all-your-for-skin-insensitive. But anyway, that's where the Frenulum came from, and I think I've told this to a lot of penis owners, and they're like, I didn't know it had a name, but yeah, that feels really

good. So that is the Frenulum. Just think of it as your new best friend, if you didn't already know it. Why I love when guys ask me questions about toys is because there is this notion that toys are just for volvas or like women, you know, we have the, you know, monopoly on vibrations. And if you use a vibrato, you know, men shouldn't need a vibration. Well, I'm telling you, vibrators, the vibration sense feels great on so many parts of our body. I mean, even the magic wand, which is a big external vibrator, it's actually started as a misoger. So it's a great way to incorporate into a personal massage

with a partner or with yourself, but for your friend and a limb, there are a few toys for men that are awesome. I recommend the hot octopus. It's a masturbation sleeve, if you will. Kind of looks like a hot dog, right? And your penis is the hot dog and it wraps around it. And it has this little oscillation function. So it's not so much a vibration, but when your penis is the hot dog and go wraps around it. And it has this little oscillation function.

So it's not so much a vibration, but when your penis is resting in it, it sort of oscillates right on the front of the loom and it feels amazing. Like I gave one to an ex-boyfriend and he like, I didn't seem for a week. He's like, this friggin' thing is amazing. All right, we're gonna take a quick break with Doko

anywhere afterward for our sponsors. I'll be answering more of your questions. This is from Julie Forty in Canada. She says, I'd like to give better oral sex to my boyfriend, but I find my jaw gets tired. Is there something I can do for that? All right, I like this question because that has happened to me before and I know it's a common complain with people who are going down a penises and they're like my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts, I mean, it's really hard. How do I do it? How do I keep going?

And let me tell you this, if your mouth, if your jaw hurts when you are performing oral sex on somebody, it means that you're doing something a little wrong. And that is you are not using all of the tools that you have available. And what you also have available are your two hands. And those are your best friends and you are going down on a guy because it's not all about your mouth. I know it's confusing blowjob. We call it oral and you're like, what? What are the hands? Yes.

Listen, it's all about stimulating. It's all about the grip, the pressure that you're applying to the penis. You could use your mouth enhanced together. So you know, your mouth and hands are kind of following each other, going down the penis and up the penis. You could use both hands. You could use a lot of, always use a lot of loop, you know how I feel about that. But I feel like this whole like mouth tired thing means that you're probably also not relaxed

either Julie, like maybe there's a part of you that's in this tense, I gotta do it right, I can't move my mouth. And I just think that we put so much pressure on ourselves. And so I think like a hand, I mean, our mouths can't provide what our hand can, because you can definitely make sure that there's enough grip, there's enough friction. And again, working with your mouth. That is one of my top tips. But the other thing is, what I wonder, there's this whole trend lately. And I would say there's a lot of things that I can track to the availability of porn on our smartphones. Since I've been doing this for a long time,

I see where these questions started coming in and one of them was about deep throating. And so there's this whole notion because we see that a lot in porn that perhaps that's how you give a great blowjob is by basically choking on a guy's penis. And I'm just going to say that I believe a lot of that is for camera and perhaps I don't have a penis But there must be some kind of thrill in it like oh, it's so big or you know She's choking on it and I think it's more performative than it is like you gotta have like I you gotta have your mouth in your jaw hurt And I also don't think that that is like the norm or me Maybe someone wants it sometimes or maybe they see it in porn

But I don't think that you have to do anything sexually until it causes you pain. And this goes for someone going down on a vulva and I've heard this as well. My mouth gets tired, mouth gets tired. Well, like use your hands, get comfortable, put a pillow down, get in a comfortable position. It's not like, go give your partner oral and it's going to be torturous. It already is for some people. Like a lot of people don't even like performing oral or they're just doing it to like, you know, check it off the list,

which I don't want that for any of you. Like I want you to enjoy whatever you are doing to your partner. And there are hacks. There are ways to enjoy it. I mean, let's say oral. So always add some blue, especially with a penis. You could use toys. You could, again, using both of your hands in conjunction with your mouth, your tongue, all the things. So make sure, if you just stop for a minute, so you know what? My legs getting cracked here, stop for a minute and keep using your hands because as long as you keep stimulating the body part of wherever you're at, like it's okay, take your mouth off and just keep using your hands. The other thing I want to say for a tired jaw, the pivot, we're talking about the pivot penis ring cock ring by Wevibe. For a tire jaw, I'm telling you to Julie in Canada,

who's like, I'm getting a lot jaw. Just like use your hand, you could put the cock ring on, you could just tickle the tip or the tape with a vibrator on a lower setting. I think sometimes the high settings is a lot for some penises. And I think in relationships, we all crave variety. I think we all want something a little bit different until this notion that bringing a toy somehow crutch are gonna take away it's like okay or you could have sex the same exact way over and over again every day for the rest of your life bringing a different sensation. Have a party. Try the pivot. I don't know a problem with that but maybe we have in our head there's a rule like you can't stop but you keep going if you can't stop

but I don't think you should just like stop and walk away. But like again, using your hands and stop to stoop for a moment and give your mouth the rest. So that's how I feel, Julie. Another like thing that's in my toolkit right now, my sexy toolkit is I love the XN's. Has this, they make all of these massage oils and they also talk about great flavors and sense. They have like, what is like vanilla and avocado

and peanut collada and not in the cheesy way. They're like beautiful bottles and they smell really good and they're massage oils, but they could also be used as a lube. And what I love about them is they smell good and they're not actually oil. Like I'm saying they're massage oil, but they're not oil and they somehow magically make it

feel like oil. So you could massage your partner with it. You could use it for a hand job. You could use it for oral. I've been hearing because you're all emailing me and calling me that like you, like your sex life, but how do you do something different? And the great thing is, and I do this to you, sometimes I could testrify as I'm like, oh,

I need to change something in my life and I have to do a huge sweeping thing. I need to be so different and change everything. But a lot of times, especially when it comes to variety, you're sex life. It's just like one thing. Like it could just be like, we're going to give each other massages before we have sex tonight. I'm going to give you a hand job before sex. We're going to, you know, use a toy. All these things are like little changes or a new position.

It doesn't have to be a whole overhaul of your sex life. It's just variety and we crave variety because if you think about all the feel good hormones that are released during intercourse and during orgasm and dopamine is one of them, dopamine is like that thrill seeking, which is why things are so great at the beginning of a relationship, like the first six months because you're so attracted to each other and everything's new, right? Oh, we've never done this position and I've never seen my partner make it and it's so exciting. But after, wow, there's nothing changed. The sex, you're still doing the same positions and you're kissing the same way, but you're a little bit bored.

You're like, I want something different. And that's because you're no longer having that. It's the dopamine to bleach your craving variety. And so when you try something new, a toy giving each other massages unexpected, something spontaneous, that's going to spike the dopamine, which is the bonding hormone as well, connects to all of them. And we'll allow you guys to feel closer again and be like, oh wow, we did something new. It just, it doesn't take a lot of changes. And it's just talking about it to kind of breathe new life into a stale sex life.

Let's talk to Chris 18 in Florida. Hi Chris. Hey, what's going on? My girlfriend like used to really get into me and now like my friend figured out she's shooting me. So I don't know what to do. Hmm Chris, I'm sorry. That's a bummer that okay. So how long have you guys been together? About five months and now she's starting to cheat and my friend's been doing it out and told me. Well, you know, that is so hurtful. And I'm sorry that happened.

And I know, is this your first girlfriend or like your first love? Second. Yeah, it hurts, huh? Have you ever heard even more than the first, you know? Yeah, that's a thing. They always hurt more each time, you know. You think I can't be hurt and then it hurts. Well just figured out and it's just heart flake. I was kind of all morning. Oh Chris, it is. It hurts so much.

I'm just going to be a I was kind of on the morning. Oh, Chris, it is. It's the most it hurts so bad when somebody violates our our trust, right? When we're like, this is someone I believe like was open and vulnerable and it just hurts. And are you going to talk to her? Are you going to like let her know how you feel?

Yeah, probably I'm a musician. It's about these things to get over it. So that's probably what I'm going to do. You will get through this. I just want you to know when it feels like you won't, like I promise you, like it gets you learn from this stuff and you'll get easier. But I think it's good that you were crying

and that you're feeling it and that you called me because that's actually the healthiest ways to actually feel your feelings. And there's nothing really that I can tell you to do. I mean, what I would recommend, honestly, Chris, which might be hard is I would talk to her and just say, you know, and just let her know, say, this is what I heard. I wanted to talk to you. And I would try to do it in a, in the most calming way you can and just be like, I'm kind of disappointed. I heard that you were with someone else, you know, can you tell me about that? And then see what she says.

There's just going to be these things. This is going to be a great learning experience for you. You'll maybe in your next relationships, you'll be able to talk about how this felt and that they think that it's important to be committed and that if they want to see someone, they should tell you first. That's how I feel about cheating.

Because I used to be a cheater. I used to be a cheater. When I was 17, I dated the school that was in colorhood at my high school and i fucked up and i she she just blew me up she didn't give me another chance when i tried so hard yeah

do you remember why you cheated yeah this is all i did for snapchat with the mother's on them she got to stop yeah you know and then you're like, oh What I do and like that's how you learn like yeah, it didn't feel good to me either I think what happened to me was I didn't know how to tell the guy like I didn't know that relationships took work And that actually like I was like oh this other guy likes me and that feels really good for my ego And then I'll go leave with this other guy then I was like oh I actually did like my boyfriend like I've learned now It took me years to learn,

like, oh, actually, you could talk to your partner before you cheat and say, oh, you know what? I've been feeling a little weird lately and like, maybe you're not that into me or whatever and then I didn't cheat anymore, you know? But it's like, we kind of fuck up and we do it and then we learn. So you know that you did it and she's doing it

and like, this is gonna hurt right now, but I think you could also learn some really cool lessons about yourself and what's important and communicating. Yeah. How else can I help you? Do you think you're gonna talk to her? Maybe you could write about you. You said you're do you write songs?

You sing? Yeah. I'm gonna be a musician. I've been playing guitar for since I was 10 and I'm 18 now. Nice. That's how I usually cope. But that's how I don't know if I can do that. I recommend that you keep feeling your feelings.

You, I wouldn't do anything drastic. Like since you want to write a hateful email, like I just got from a listener, sometimes you want to do something that you might regret, but it's best just to kind of feel the feelings. Be with your friends, they actually are cool and support this kind of thing. Not the ones who like, she's nice,

oh, go fuck someone else. Like you can have those friends, but I wouldn't necessarily hang out with them tonight. Tomorrow. Yeah, I think you're gonna learn stuff if you wanted to call me back and just like we can chat. Thank you, I appreciate it. Of course, Chris, anything else I can do?

I think that's it. Thank you very much. I appreciate it a lot. Of course, I'll be here for you. Just take care of yourself, okay? You'll get through this. I promise, thanks for your call, Chris. I appreciate you.

So this, we got an email too. Let's talk about there's another thing that is related to what I talk about. And that is the friend zone. So the friend zone comes up a lot. This is from Felix, 29 in New York. And he's like, I decided to decide the pool of online dating, but on a couple dates, nothing is stood out recently. Imagine the girl we had a picnic in a park, couple drinks as our first date.

I thought we had a great connection and we texted. I told her I'll be leaving town and I wanted to see her. Her response, she really awesome and I really want to hang out as friends, but I need to see my schedule, I'm busy with work and I don't know until I'll be free within the coming weeks. Let me know where you're back, we'll grab a drink. I've been on post dating situations where the girl was straight forward and blunt and says you're not what I'm looking for, best of luck in your search. Or I'm really busy, but now I'm confused. You know, does this mean she wants to hang out or not? Does she want to be friends or there's an irony in that message?

Maybe I'm overthinking but would love to hear your thoughts, comments, clarifications. Great question. I vote for the direct. I'm not into it. Best of luck with your search. It's one day. We don't owe people anything. In fact, be honest, be real. This is how I felt about the date. And I, she's kind of dry. I get it. That's a little confusing. Right? Maybe she doesn't know yet. Maybe she is

saying, I don't even know that's a friend zone. She might be someone who's not great with conflict. Doesn't want to let them down. I think what you deserve to do Felix, you deserve to text her back, clarify it, and say, I just want to clarify here. I want to know, like I really hang out with you, to be honest, it's helpful to know, do you actually want to hang out a few weeks or not? I'd love to know either way. As for clarification, because I believe it,

and I gotta be honest, I'm going into my mind. I'm like, I've done that. I've done that kind of thing, because I think sometimes I've just kind of been a pussy about it, I've been like, oh, I don't know, I don't want to, I've heard of my, I've done all the things, you guys. That's why I'm like, I've done that. I've done that kind of thing because I think sometimes I've just kind of been a pussy about it. I'm like, oh, I don't know. I don't want to have heard of my,

I've done all the things you guys. That's why I'm here talking to you. But that doesn't feel as good because then the guy texts me back and says, really, when I hang out and then, and then so does any more time to think about it and then maybe I didn't, I think it's unclear. What you can do is keep dating,

doing your thing, Felix. Maybe you feel if you text her right now, that's too aggressive, cause actually if a guy did that, you know, I don't know what kind of person she is. You could wait till you're back, listen. You could wait till you're back in a week or two, but like, hey I'm back.

You wanna hang out, get that drink? And then you'll know, cause to me this doesn't actually, reading out. It doesn't sound like it's a friend zone thing, it's more like either let's hang out in your back, or she's not sure. I don't see this as a friend zone person. Now that I'm reading it, oh she's saying I'm having a friend zone. See I don't know I'm confused. Listen, I don't know what it is.

All I'm saying is to me she used the fucking term friend. So if we're going to get into the friend zone thing here and you have a history of a friend zone, either I say this is my final decision, wait till you get back in a week, say, hey, you want to hang out. And then when she says, yeah, great, how about Tuesday and say, I just want to clarify. You mentioned a friend thing. I actually thought you were really cool. And I actually, I'm looking to hang out more than that. What are you thinking?

And then you can clarify when you get back in town. Sometimes people don't know. Maybe she's dating someone else too. But I think it's okay to ask for what you need and ask for clarification, but I would just chill and wait. Now here's the friend zone thing. Friend zone happens when we act as a friend before it's even romantic.

Well, I'm gonna listen to your problems. Oh, I know how to fix a car. I know how to do this thing for you. I know how to listen to do all the things that a friend would do before we've actually had sex and established that there's an attraction. That's when you are digging your own grave. That's when you are digging your own friends.

I'm like, you've taken the first shovel into the ground of your friends on your like this is my friend zone grave. You haven't done that yet Felix, but I think it's okay to follow up and ask for clarification. But if I said I'd like to be friends with someone that would be my way of saying I'm not I don't feel intraction. If I use the word friend now I don't know I'm not 29 years old, but I believe if you say I use the word friend the same thing as saying like I see you as a friend. You know, I've put guys in the friend zone before and I think it's, you know, I think I'm like, well, they really want to be friends, but it can be her full and the guys I think that actually stand up and are like, clear?

Like, this is my neat and loving way. Like, I think you're cool too. And maybe you want to be friends with her, but it's okay to ask people for what you need and for clarification. I think this whole, I gotta be cool. I gotta be chill. Think I think that's dated. I think what is cool is not to be a dick but to be like hey I heard what you said I thought you were cool too. I'm actually looking to spend my time dating someone who

actually get romantic with but you're awesome too have a nice life. It's okay to gas for it and not just to kind of be like whatever I'll just I'll just keep showing up till she wants to sleep with me like that's also a waste of time so let's all learn how to communicate better. That's how I feel tonight. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email, so sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or

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