Sex With Emily - Red Flags, Green Lights & the “Death” of Dating with Brian Howie

Episode Date: February 13, 2016

On this show, Emily welcomes host of The Great Love Debate podcast, Brian Howie. Together they traverse the tricky terrain of dating, commitment and communication.Brian and Emily cover a range of topics, from first dates to first impressions to the ways that most of us go about finding real love. Emily reminds us why relationship practice makes perfect and Brian offers insight on how to communicate through the ever changing love landscape. They dismantle the idea of “type,” define the dating problem in LA and dissect the influences of social media on our communication patterns and mating rituals. This show fires on all cylinders with advice on cultivating confidence, the virtues of vulnerability and how to feel better about your romantic situation. Whether you’re lucky in love or lost in the shuffle, this show has the insight and advice you need! Don’t miss it. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Are you having trouble finding success in the dating world? Today, we have Brian Howie host of the Great Love Debate. It's a live show that tours the country and answers the question, why are so many of us still single? And what do we do about it? Maybe we want to be single. What's the best way to be single?

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Betruma eyes, they call them a bygone name. Hey, Abelene, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I'm a guy, I Oh my God, I feel so proud. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. I'm listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com or go to my Snapchat because we're launching it right now. Yes. Which is Sex with Emily. And I'm Sex with Emily at Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and all those places on the planet. I'm Menace.

Hi. You are Menace. I'm saying hi Menace. No, hi. How are you doing? How's Facebook going? Because I know they're always trying to shut you down because they're all sex.

You know what's so funny? We have like, where does like 700,000 likes that they do right now, which is like a lot, right? That's, you know, it's good. And they have not tried to. We report. Show you down recently. Not recently, not in the last year,

but that was like really aggressive. I was like calling, like basically calling Mark Zuckerberg, like I was calling every favor that I knew in, you know, we're the San Francisco area. I know, I'm like, I have I knew in San Francisco area. I have to get this page back up. Okay, Madison, glad you're here.

I miss you. I'm going to tell you all about my life and what's going on. I want to talk to our guest and have him come into our conversation. Like one of the family. I feel like you are sitting here often. We're family. Right, how he is the host of the great love debate podcast. Which is amazing. I was a guest and he was great Love Debate podcast, which is amazing. And I was a guest, and he said, I sat there and he said,

here, which was interesting, because not being charged, and I like, I loved it. And you said, you love it. You're just going to hang out and have a good time here. And tell us all about the great Love Debate, your director, producer, author of How to Find Love in 60 Seconds. That is correct.

Which is interesting. I'd love to learn that. That would make life so much easier. And make everybody's life easier. Seriously. Well, it's not about a quickie. It's more about recognizing acting on and most importantly not killing those handful of opportunities every single day that you have a chance to find a spark or connection.

Right. Okay. There's five or six sixty second windows in the course of every single day where if you do the right thing and most probably don't do the wrong thing you can find love That's amazing, okay, but we're I want to hear about that. We'll get to that again I love that and also the great love debate, which okay. I'm a little confused Okay, explain this to me. So you you take an audience. Yep made of you know, you take it this cut in around the country We've done it to 78 78 cities We've done 121 shows in 78 different cities over the last 18 months

We do them normally in theaters and we take generally 100 single men 100 single women Citiman opposite sides Mixing some experts and and celebrities and all. We try and collectively figure out town hall style why all of these seemingly reasonable people are either single, still single or single again or single longer than ever before and it gets really fun and feisty. Have you come to any conclusions?

Yeah, the women want the men to try harder and the men want the women to make it easier. That's essentially the crux of the disc. Right? Should we just end it now? You know, that is. Is that just the answer to try harder and the men want the women to make it easier. That's essentially the crux of the disc. Right. Should we just end it now? No, that's that is. Is that just the answer to the universe? That is it.

And the men, okay, so let's say, let's say the other. We want the men to be more aggressive. What have I been saying forever? No, you don't say that. Not, not, not, not easier. Well, both. I mean, you know, say it again, say it again. The women want the men to try harder and the men want the women to make it easier.

And the fundamental difference in the approach is that the women are looking for red flags and the men to try harder, and the men want the women to make it easier. And the fundamental difference in the approach is that the women are looking for red flags, and the men are looking for green lights. So there's a little bit of a loss of hope and optimism on the female side. You know, a lot of people say what has changed over the last 20 years when it comes to dating relationships or whatever, and sort of the knee jerk reaction

is technology, social media, apps, all that kind of stuff. I think that's the reaction to the actual change. The actual change over the last 20 years is that the women have ramped up their independent, I don't need a man, masculine energy, and if anything, the men have become bigger pussies. It's so true. I just want a man, I'm real man, not a pussy, not a boy.

The band aid to close that gap that is new is the social media, the technology, sort of the reaction to the action. It's sort of like, and the reaction to the demand. Correct. Because people aren't married and they are single more, so they're like, wow, there's a lot of single people. Let's create all these apps to cater them.

No, because we've lost the ability to just say hello face to face. Exactly, which is the 11, 60 seconds thing, I'm certain. So it's accurate, love debate, this is all in our page, but Twitter. So, and it's Accurate Love Debate. This is all in our page, but Twitter, Instagram, it's all Accurate Love Debate. Good job getting them all uniform, because that's never easy. Yes.

Right? So, the great love debate. Okay, so everyone gets in a room. Yes. And you go around the country and people are they angry? Are they like, I can't believe it. It depends on certain circumstances.

It's a guy, I gave him a blowjob on Tinder, and he didn't call me back. Yeah, certain cities are a little feisty Or then others lost angels in New York Boston Philly. They're they're rough the middle of the country's a little more hopeful, but all you know 70 80% of it in every city comes down to confidence and communication We sort of lost our confidence both men and women and we've lost our ability to communicate Especially face to face so a lot of people come to these shows

ready to point fingers and blame and it gets a little Jerry Springer show. So I'm kind of confused. I know I agree with that though. I agree that we have lost the ability to communicate. We need some sort of validation before we say hi. We need to be swiped on, we need to be liked, we need to be friended, we need to be all that.

We cannot just connect in real life. And the very act of bringing a couple of hundred single men and women together in a room, like we have more matches than match in our shows, we really do. Oh, I'm sure. See, that's, that would make sense. The people are all there. They're single.

Something new that, I mean, this is not something new that we've been talking about on the show for a long time. But the part that I want to know, because I'm a guy, so I'm not understanding the whole part where women want to make it easier. How so? How do they want to make it easier? Yeah, good question, menace.

The men want the women to make it easier? Yeah, the men want the women to make it easier. The women have become unapproachable for the most, but your body language has changed. Your face is, you know, we always say, get your head out of your apps. What do you mean that we're like, because we're tensed?

The resting bitch face did not exist 10 years ago. Yes, it did, but always say get your head out of your apps. Well, you mean that we're like, because we're tensed in the night. The resting bitch face did not exist 10 years ago. Yes, it did, but I- No, it did. No, it did. It did not say a degree. It's a little bit the body language just in day to day life, just at Starbucks, just at wherever you're going to be.

You can like, drop a tent. The same as putting your headphones on on the airplane, it says don't talk to me. And everybody's got their cab lights off. And that has sort of killed the ability. And even if you see somebody you like, you're gonna run home, you're gonna get online, you're gonna see if you can find them,

you're gonna miss a lot of opportunities. I always say that I'm like, people like why do you say, I'm like, they say, why am I single or why? And then turn off your phone. Like when you go and public, they don't look at your phone.

On online dating is responsible for 30% of marriages. Do you know what that took the place of? Do you know what that 30% used to be? Trying to get them published. Yeah. Church. And it wasn't about praying.

It was simply the act of congregating. It was simply the act of men and women getting in the same room. And that's why a great love debate is so successful just getting these people in. So you think hundreds of people in the community. And they're all single and they're all on the same boat. And they're all going to the next one and and do that

And I'm scared you should do it. I know I wanted to do it but my best friends are Contestants about monthly here. That's so fun I totally want it because I've heard about it and it sounds like it's also helping people and you've your podcast Yes, and that's awesome. So I just wanted to do so you could be part of our little family here This is nice. Hi, I've been seen medicine a while. I know. It feels like it. I know. So what is going on? I'm just, my dating life is interesting. I'm dating this guy. And it's been a really interesting. So I feel like that everyone we date, I think that we do a lot of our greatest work when we're dating someone or in a relationship with someone from me, it's often dating. But this has been like a relationship.

I think the last, especially since I've been doing the show for 10 years, but you learn a lot, and I've really put things into action, and that is being in a relationship, I think that I've sort of coasted a lot of time, because I wasn't really interested, at least if that's what I told myself, but it was true for me,

I was working hard to talk about the alpha woman, and not needing a man, I really was like, my relationship's kind of annoyed me.. I was like you met a lot of the guys I've dated. You hated all of them. But um, no, just one and he was not a used car salesman. He was actually the most successful one. He thought it was a former used car salesman. He was not. He was work as two men. It was like a few like suits like a nice suit. He had a pinky ring. He did not. That was the guy's car crash. That was the guy's car I crashed. That was the guy the Cadillac

is probably the other pinky ring. OK. That was the escalade that I crashed that you were in. I'm sorry. OK, it was it was a parking lot. Yeah, totally safe. Nobody's fault.

No, it was exactly. So the interesting thing is so being in a relationship, I've decided that everyone is sort of a, everyone that we date, you use it as a practice. You don't know what's going to happen if you're going to end up but if it's we date is a practice. You don't know what's gonna happen if you're gonna end up, but if it's long-term, short-term, really don't know. But as long as you're in a relationship, you should, you know, what I'm trying to do is just practice.

And like being super honest, super real, super out that about like what maybe people do all the time, but for me, it's been to levels that, you know, I never really felt comfortable doing before. So I feel like I was in it because I've been practicing a lot. We talked to this a little bit when you did. My show is both of us, I think, have for a long time. We did. We put enough chips in the table to stay in the game, but never kind of went all in. Exactly.

And that's sort of what a lot of people do. I'll see how this goes, and you put enough raise, anti-raise, old call. Yeah. And then you never go all in because you don't either, you don't have to or you're not ready to or you haven't done the work, either in the relationship or on yourself. That's not exactly. So I had not, I feel like, I've done a lot of work on myself,

but I was really ready to. So I was ready to put it in and not be avoidant in the way I was avoidant before. So this is, you know, where I tried some things, tried to be like, both feet in, which I never really did. Even though I said, even though they probably thought I was, or I thought I was, the best of my ability. All right, well. I know I'm not giving you, but, you know, so having, it's, you know, I feel like I'm growing and learning and changing and I'm maturing. You learn new things. Yeah, that's awesome. So then I'm going to go to

Sex Party next week. Okay. Is that like, not a reaction? No, I was invited. Because you know how I hate that. What? Oh, dude, no, I don't call them fuck a bunch of them. I'm not like that either. We're women break up and then like, That did right. Yeah.

Right, you just dress up as far. All their best friends are back. You know that they ignored in their relationship. And then they like, I've always been about my friends. It's a soft landing. Yeah, the friends are soft landing. I know.

Are you dating anyone now? Yes. And, Sarah, you moving forward in it? Yes. Good. Good. Progress. I move forward in myself and it.

Don't you think it, don't you think that it's hard to, because I guess the bottom line I was saying is that it's also hard to be in a relationship with someone who hasn't done a lot of work. So now I think I was practicing, but someone, you know what I'm saying? Like if they haven't done a work either. And usually, if you do the work yourself,

you will be surprised how much you notice that whatever your reasons where your relationships didn't work to that point it was probably you. It all means. And that's the other thing that you realize is you did, I used to, when I was young, I'd go out and broke up with them

because you'd have 16 reasons while you broke up with someone and why it didn't work. Oh, he was this or he didn't have a job or a roommate or whatever. Yeah, I have religion But it's never really about that. You've realized like it's about what where we are at that time We're like a lot of us are looking for that trap door to get out at the surface of trouble Right what's the red flags? Let me look for it the longer you go as a single person and you and I think neither one of us have been married, you sort of get really good at either getting out of it or fading out or whatever and never really have to go there because you get comfortable in that life. I know

how to do it. I love being, yeah, and actually do like my life. And so what's interesting about you said now is that there are some, this wasn't an issue and there wasn't issue with so many women being single, not even wanting to get married, wanting enough kids, people freezing their eggs. It means a whole different time right now. It is. But you've always been a good ex-girlfriend.

Great, like, kill me my best friend in five minutes. That's the thing. All my ex-boyfriends are like my family. I was just talking about you on the radio the other day. What do you say? About how you go on vacation with ex-boyfriends. I do, John. With their current girlfriend. Yeah, ex boyfriend? I do, John.

They're a current girlfriend. Yeah, I did that. Yeah, exactly. His girlfriend and my current boyfriend. I think exes make, they're not friends. I do too. They know you. They know me.

They love me. Yeah, we'll be friends. People, exes come to my shows. Yeah. And sometimes they're like, oh, I'm glad to see you've evolved. And sometimes they'll stand up and say, he's lying. He's a jerk. Do they love it? Oh, I mean, there see you've evolved. And sometimes they'll stand up and say, he's lying. He's a jerk. Do they love it?

You know, I mean, there's both perspectives. Every city we go to, there's somebody. There's got to be an act. Somebody a bang there. Right now. It's true. I think it, yeah, it would be interesting to go back up. But the most of my friends with, I mean, there's a few

that block man and social media, although one block me recently, and then a year later, he came back and unblocked me everything. Because he, well, what about Thursday? And then he called me, right? He's thirsty. Have any of them? Have any's thirsty. Have any of them? Have any of them?

Have any of them, baby? Have any of them, baby? As if you're, you're babying me. Have you blocked me? The first thing I hear is, babe? Have anybody dated Emily and then not gotten a crack? It's sex with Emily. Like you're a different person than you were, at least publicly, 15 years ago.

Yeah, absolutely. I wonder where was this sound? Well remember that guy was on the show that I slept with that I had whatever you did use his real name Justin No, we will I had gone out with him right when the show was starting maybe What is interesting you're right was I good what did I know what the hell I was it? No, I was I certainly Okay, relationships is the thing that's been newer for you But sexually has been like exponentially gotten better in 10 years like I always have great sex That's not my issue anymore,

because it was my issue before that. That was not my fault, the best sex. That was all the guys fault. Yeah, yeah, sure. But the relationship part, I take full responsibility for. Right. Yeah. Okay, so we're gonna do a little sex in the news.

All right, what's going on in the news? It's fun, because it's about dating. The best time to use Tinder at OKCupid is 9pm. Did you know this already? I thought it was and then it just falls off the chart at like one o'clock in the morning. Like, you want to just junk people. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. I'm sure you're just like, I don't want to have a message you meet when I am. I mean, I might message people, but I know that's you. I usually regret it. So they look at the best 10 to 5 potential dates is 9 p.m. According to Neilson research, so it must be right.

It is right. That's where I post a lot of stuff for social media. I schedule it out for 9 p.m. From Nielsen. Yeah. Oh, from 9 p.m. at night. Oh, I did not know this. Why? Because it gets the most reaction. I'm trying to think of what I'm doing at 9 p.m. I don't know. What are most people doing just then sitting on their couches? Well, I mean, people are multitasking. Even if you're watching TV, you're still on your phone,

on your computer, whatever you're scrolling. Work is a little bit tough. People check it a couple of times a day, but they're not deeply focused on it. I always think if I'm doing any kind of social media, at least even promotional stuff, I think 6 p.m. is sort of the time to do it. Okay, we're just kind of random.

But do it all the good times. Did sort of the time I'm gonna do it. Okay, we're just kind of random. We'll do it all the time. Did you hear the other thing with Tinder is now because you know, guys are terrible at writing and texting that they're allowing you mean physically or just what they grammatically. They're using animated gifts now that you can respond to whatever she's writing you or vice versa. Yeah, that's just got to release the I know So they're like 12 year old like we we were having conversations to now we can't even use words We just have you stop we have to use emojis

It's the biggest part of the problem is just we cannot even talk to each other anymore. I mean, we have these, you put hello is like, is sort of tinged with all sorts of, what are you saying hello to me for? And if you don't use an explanation, why don't you just say hello, like there's all these studies about sex. It's a pure rehearsal now, if you use a period.

It's true. It seems harsh. I mean, we need to tell you that. But we already knew that you're right. We do this thing in our live shows. I'm curious to see. At the great love debate, we do this thing called Tinder Theater, where we literally take somebody's phone

and we read it out loud, their profile, and depending on the punctuation, it changes everything. Whether it's a comma or a semicolon or a period or exclamation point, it can totally change the meaning and people don't really think about it. They sort of bang it up. I know, it's true. It actually isn't art now that you have to think about.

If you want to date, if you need some, I think people need help. How many reactions or how many bites you get on dating apps or online dating is really an indication of how good at communicating your communicator you are versus how good at catching what you are. Exactly, right?

And a lot of people don't really think about that. They just wanna, you know, you get help with your resume you should get help with your online dating profile and it's true and it goes though the only thing is it goes both ways because there's been guys who were excellent textures and such great communicators and I couldn't wait to meet them and then you meet them person I'm like I'm so bored with you like a guy dated for a while the one that you thought was a used Carl's Salesman but he's clearly not there's nothing wrong that my grandfather was used Carl's Salesman but but he's clearly not. There's nothing wrong with that. My grandfather was used car salesman. How about a used car salesman

would have an advantage in date? Oh yeah. Totally. So you could like, I had to get four tires. I could totally screwed the other day by having four new tires. I knew I didn't need four new tires,

but I just didn't feel like arguing. I don't know. I think, I don't know, 90% of the dudes that I've met, they've dated are just duchess. I don't know why. They're not duchess in the duchess. I don't know why they're not duchess I swear can any guy go I like man a guy go up to you at Trader Joe's and just say hello to you

Any guy yeah, sure no, I don't date jerks. They're all nice guy. They're assholes. Duchess. I think like The West Coast I think like the ones that are I think the ones that are actually at balls of talk to people because you know guys here on the west coast are Pretty much a pluses like so that's what you're finding your studies to that they're mostly quizzes. Yeah, well, I you know I always do she won't don't care Maybe maybe 10% of men are naturally confident to the level you want them to be a 90% of those guys are assholes There's another that's what I think of douchebag. Right, there's another large pool of men that can be confident if the woman sort of sets an environment where that confidence can flourish.

How can she do that? A little bit is her body language, just a little bit about everywhere you are out of your house can be an opportunity. So it's a little bit about being prepared. Talk about this, okay. Let's talk about this. A lot of people are like, I'm not because of the ability to do a lot of your dating and trolling for dates online at home or whatever.

People have forgotten that any time you're out of your house can be an opportunity. So whether it's how you don't need to get all dressed up every time, but you have to be aware of people around you. You cannot just always be standing in the bank line buried in your phone. You know, you have to be aware that maybe you don't want to approach anybody, but people may want to approach you if only to say hello and we've really changed that. Right, like I remember, I mean, I was in San Francisco

for many years, I moved here three years ago, but I'm trying to think of all the friends that I've made and you just, you would meet people like, sitting on the moony bus when I take the bus, sitting in line at the bank. It's true. I was asked people like, why are you online? And they're like, because you would meet people like, sitting on the moony bus when I take the bus, sitting in line at the bank, it's true. I was asked people like, why are you online? And they're like,

because you can meet more people that way. And I'm like, in every city in America, in every single day, you're within 10 yards of a thousand people of the opposite sex, real live people. So rather than swipe left and swipe right, just turn your head left and turn your head right. And those are people you can meet with.

I like that, turn your head, swipe your head left and turn your head right and those are people you can meet with. I like that. Turn your head swipe your head left and right. But what about body language? Because now you're making maybe a super, super conscious here. I'm like sitting up but like what do you mean by the body language? Well a little bit is you know I always you know if you want to do a little trick that can sort of change things when you were a kid and you went on a ride with your parents and you would sort of count blue cars to kill the time. If you went out of your parents and you would sort of count blue cars to kill the time. If you went out of your house and you said, I'm going to try and find the next 10 people with blue eyes, you'd be surprised at how much not only you notice people around you,

but how many more people would notice you back just because you were looking for faces now when you were in your whole posture. Your body language changed versus just, I'm trying to get from point A to point B as quickly as possible without being bothered. But if you're off of the traffic, I contact people to see the color eyes that go. No, it wouldn't you be surprised if somebody's trying to notice you or look at you or whatever thing, you know, okay? So I get it so that so make eye contact. So you're saying you'd start to notice more of the blue eyes notice and be playful and be fun and be just be cognizant of how you appear all the time. We're very cognizant of how we appear in selfies.

Well, just pretend you're always taking a selfie. And that is not about how you necessarily look in terms of, it's just sort of about be in your sort of selfie persona when you're out. Pay attention to how you are and just understand, like don't go out with the approach, like I don't want to be bothered. I don't want, I'm not here for this. I'm gonna

But you're saying 10 years ago people wanted to be bothered. It's I don't think they considered a bother I know they're saying people were open because they were an opportunity that you didn't have a choice if you wanted to be asked out You had to be willing to be approached as a woman and now you're basically like even the concept of the date has changed a lot of And a lot of cities We go to the women say well the guys just want to hang out, okay? Right. They say that and then I'm just gonna What's changed is a date used to be I called you up I asked you out. I picked you up and that was a date you guys are on a part of getting picked up anymore

So now it's meet out and then you're hanging out and it's all it's both sexes have really made it nebulous Just what dating is true. That's true. I don't remember last time I had a guy pick me up People are like in this day. I remember like in this day. It was more dangerous in 1975 It was just like I want the freedom or drive People think it's more dangerous now. It's not more dangerous now. No, no DNA testing. They'll find your body I think it's more dangerous now. It's not more dangerous now. No. No.

They have DNA testing. They'll find your body. Totally, they'll find exactly. I don't know why. I just want you to date your brother, because that guy's cool. I know. Sorry, you want to date my brother.

You want to date her brother? Brother's cool. Her brother's awesome. I know, he loves you too. Yeah, my brother. He's kind of like him. Shall I move back to Michigan? Yeah, no, not dating my brother.

But it's funny because I typically didn't date guys who were my name my brother. I was like, he's still like my brother. I don't like him, but it's funny that you say it. Would you date a listener? I've never dated a listener. At least one who admits that they're a listener until after. No, I don't know. I have not for anyone who like hit me up online. They haven't like, I, you sound really interesting. I like to go out of here. That doesn't happen. Oh, there's a lot of emails, right? I think so. A lot of dick pics. A lot of dick pics. Yeah, those are interesting. I like to go out of here. That doesn't happen. Oh, there's a lot of emails, right? I think so. A lot of dick pics.

A lot of dick pics. Yeah, those are fine. I just found the inbox. I never checked it in the box on Instagram. I never checked that in box. The DMs. There's like, you have 5,000 more DMs. I'm like, oh my god.

We just in Minneapolis solved, we solved the fish pick. Do you know the reason behind, you know, a lot of guys have the fish pick? I've heard about this. They commonly have them with a fish. Yeah. And they're in their profile. Yeah, that men so rarely feel the need to take a picture

unless it's some sort of trophy or accomplishment or whatever, that it's one of the rare photos that a lot of guys actually have. So they're just like, here's a picture of me because it's a reason they have it. Women take pictures all the time. So it's not anything about like fishing so cool. It's one of the rare times that they felt the need to document something. Yeah. Right. That's so true. But then if you don't fish, I guess it could be you skiing.

It's your fancy football trophy or whatever. So that's why the guys, it's not really, they don't have a whole lot of pictures to show. That's so true. But nowadays it's a little bit better. Yeah. I'm just trying to get, yeah, but you're right everyone is I don't know All my pictures have a microphone in my hand right me too. I'm trying to like mad That's not a good picture. Yeah, there's a lot of There's a lot of you sell a lot. Sorry a lot of guys out there with selfies these days With making self-taking selfies. Oh, yeah equal opportunity for sure It's kind of bad. I'm on four hours asleep the usual. Yeah, I know I'm sorry

No, I don't feel that bad How's your relationship can you just tell me one thing? I've been getting here. It's great. No, no, it's been it's been awesome What's like three years that I know I know I don't know anything more than I knew three years ago. Uh, we just, you know, more traveling stuff like that. We don't I, we, we see everybody that's married and like, they're miserable. See, okay. So is this the comment? Okay, really, you know, and then we're just like happy being, you know, do you find this to Brian? Do you think that everyone,

do you think that because, okay, I was driving here and I saw that sign for the movie The Single, what's it called? How do you single? How do you single? And it seems like everything's about sync, right? There's a crazy ex-girlfriend, it just seems like there's all these books about

more and more and more everyone's talking about single dating. Everyone wants to have a Tinder. In your 30s. Why is this a thing now? In your 20s everybody's sort of hope for it, but in your 30s. In your 30s. Why is it a thing now? In your 20s, everybody sort of hope for it, but in your 30s, everybody's getting divorced. So the example of marriage is not a good one.

In your 40s, most of your dating pool is people who have been married. There's very few of us roaming around. We're like the older ones. Right, and so a little bit people either, but I think if we take a poll at our shows, everybody, if you have to sign on a dotted line, would you like to be in a committed,

monogamous relationship, they all would. They all would. Nobody wants to be single, I believe. They don't see, but okay, see what I mean. The difference between the men and the women is this. Okay. If the women say, I would rather be alone

than being a bad relationship. And you should say that, you're right or whatever. Men never say that. Because men think that, but they look at the possibility of being in a good relationship as sort of an equal possibility. The women look that is much more remote, which I talked about earlier. The women look for red flags, the men look for green lights.

So women are the ones, you're on a date, you have your friend on speed dial, you have 100 different excuses to get out of here, you're looking all that kind of stuff. So going into even that first encounter, the women really have their guard up and they really are not going into it with a clean slate and an optimistic viewpoint.

And that's a big challenge. That's so interesting. I just don't see it that way. I mean, maybe you're finding this in your things or maybe just the people I know. But you are a little more subconsciously doing it, because you've always been singling. You're sort of like, I'm comfortable being singling,

I'll float in, I'll always, and as an abyssal. But now I'd like to be in a relationship in a way, but I'm not like upset, I feel like my life is really good in both ways. You also know, here's an ad you have, young lady, is that you know you're always gonna to get asked out again or you have other options or whatever, that's both the blessing and the curse of the pretty girl. You know, some women get two dates a year, so it's a much bigger deal or it's a much

different thing. You're like, you will, the first sign of Ick, you're out. No, you know what it is? It's really what I realized and I'm talking about like my issues ahead. I realized it the way, yeah, I mean, yes, I'll be asked out again. They have not shoot me. But I think that the interesting thing too is that how I truly, and it's always weird to say this, because it's not very how many people think, is that I really have never thought that being married and having kids and that was going to like complete my life. I thought that would be a nice option if that happened, of course.

But it's always been about, I never felt like I'm going complete my life. I thought that would be a nice option if that happened, of course, but it's always been about, I never felt like I'm gonna go home and I'm gonna be single. It's like my life has always been so full with lots of friends and work and family and people that I was never under the illusion that that will be the thing that will make it all better. Because I've had, you know,

I'm also making it better, but it's when it's good, it's better than anything. Totally, and I would love to find good, and amazing, amazing sex, really smart person. He was caring and loving, but I don't want to be at ones, whether or not. Well, I asked this question of the women a lot because the bulk, you know, sort of ground zero for the women who come to our show is sort of 33 to 43. Okay.

Okay. And a lot of those women are like, I want to get married and have kids, like I want to get married and have kids like one sentence get married and have kids So I I took a survey and I asked this question You have two choices you walk out of here you bump into a guy you fall madly in love for 50 years No kids or you walk out of here you bump into a guy you have two kids kind of an okay marriage for 10 years Which one are you choosing oh what they said Two thirds of them choose the first one. Choose the 50 year love affair. And a lot of times they think I want the kids

or whatever I need some sort of love somehow, or if you can basically say guaranteed 50 years of love, then they don't necessarily need the kids. And a lot of times they're searching for something, you know, outside because there's a void that they're looking to fill, and the void is love more than they've ever seen.

Love, I agree. See, that's how I've always liked. I would rather love the house and the dogs. Well, I mean, the women say I want the house and the dog and the white pick of fence and all that. He's not even on that list. No. He's nowhere. But that's why I'm surprised because I feel like a lot of women do more want kids and the white pick of fence. So you're saying that what they have to do.

I think they want happiness and love and if the kids come or they get it later Like that's I asked the same thing of actresses You know a lot of people want that you know you win an Oscar tomorrow and you can't have kids Or you have kids and you can never work again. They all choose the trophy really do It's so weird. I don't know what it is. I don't know what is I mean I would choose the work But that's just me cuz I've never I think it is it's getting Worst these days everyone that I talk to that has kids are Effing miss I know I know

No, I'm the kid love my kids hate my life. That's that's the whole thing Yeah, I think it's because hold on It's because the social media and like people are seeing other people's lives like, you know They're only seeing what you want them to see. Yeah, you're like, oh, you're always on vacation. You're always doing this I like I think you think so they're sitting home with their like like everyone in the morning not sending inappropriate messages But they're on Facebook going man, man, it's still a dizzy land going to the US every weekend. Yeah, because social media has allowed people to dangle only the good stuff in front of their friends. True, but then I know exactly. Oh, but my life is amazing.

Yeah, totally. No, my friend called me and they asked me, is your life as Instagram's capitalist? As it looks? I'm like, hell no, I've been crying about all that. You know, it's funny. I mean, I was really crying. I was like, no, I'm gonna show you day.

So the second part. People put this thing out there, yeah, go. The second part is, though, so that, the kid thing. And then a ton of married people just in the past couple of months, cheating after cheating. Oh, like famous. Crazy, no, no, no, no. That's your friends.

Oh, all my, I know, I know. Three of my friends are sleeping with me. The other thing is people transition too quickly from husband, wife to mom and dad. And that is a different role and that is good thing, but it really changes the dynamic of the boy and the girl within the home. That is something that people, it happens before you know it,

you know, and that's a challenge. And that's why, you know. Absolutely, you need the time. You need the time. You know, you need the time. You got to kid the 22 again, like everyone else, they didn't have any problems. You still got to treat each other like boyfriend, girlfriend, even if it's just once a week. You do, you need you know, you need the time I got a kid 22 again like everyone else they didn't have any problem You still got to treat each other like boyfriend girlfriend even if it's just once away. You do you have to always

Exactly like even like you're saying like when you prepare to grow up always go out presentable and when you're going home like Treat every time you're together as special even if you Average that that without your kids you have to it is daytime That's what I also want to say. If anybody's listening that has kids, I mean, then take them off. I don't want them to feel bad about their lives. Your life is what you make it.

You do have to have those times when you have free time to have a good time with your life. Totally. We're not saying anything about you, right? And then that's the people hate their kids no more. We love their kids, but it is not a cure all. If you have a void where you have not on the work or when the kids aren't necessarily going to fill

whatever void that is. That's what we're saying. We're saying that to think that anything is, like everything money, the house, or the new car, like there's nothing you have to love yourself. Correct. And then it all comes together in the end. So there's that, but I also speaking of feeling

the void in your life, there's a hole that I have in my life that I like to fill with the intensity. Really? And what hole is that? Funny you should ask. So, you know about the intensity. You heard me talk about it. You love it.

Ryan, you haven't heard me talk about it. Okay, so wait for it. Wait for this, wait for this. So, the, the intensity is unique, insurable device that's strengthens your pelvic floor, PC muscles, keglet exercises. They're so important for men and for women. But this one is for women because you insert it, right? So it's a stimulation device and it does your keglet exercises for you.

Works your pelvic floor 10 minutes a day. You lay back, I chill, I meditate, I do whatever, and it's a vibrator. So it vibrates and works your pelvic floor. It's called the intensity. And this muscle group gives you control over your pleasure during intercourse. It's responsible for preventing urinary incontinence

like when you sneeze in pee, which is a huge bummer. And it just happens to vibrate too. So you vibrate, you lay back, but what I love it does it for you. I still do kettles, like I have a keggle camp, my iPhone app, but this one you just lie and it stimulates them and it changes their life and you've stronger orgasms and you're tighter. People care about this stuff. It matters. And you have a healthy public floor. So go to sexwithemily.com, click on the Tensy banner. And for Valentine's's Day use code Love 2016 for $30 off an intensity. And then also I have something for you guys to stick your penis into. I have the flashlight. If you're looking for me to mix up your masturbation, let me tell you about the number one sex tape for a man. The only one you want, the flashlight. It's a masturbation sleeve. You use solo or with a partner that simulates sensations of sex and it looks and feels like

that we have you see to flashlight. Yes. Have you used one? No. But the day is young. We should write one. I want my trunk. Okay.

Let me change the garage. Yeah, totally. You and I. I already felt like he was a buddy and now I'm going to be a flashlight. Dude, that's drunk. That's drunk. It's so funny. I can't even imagine what's in your trunk.

It's, we should do a what's in your trunk. It's, we should do a what's in your trunk. What's in my trunk? Not what's in my trunk. Because literally I've got like condoms. I've got this. I've got a flashlight. I love her to get pulled over and searched. When I was in a hospital,

condoms in the trunk. Not to get distracted. Oh yeah, I mean, lifestyle. Sends me hundreds of, but I was at the hospital event last night. I will get back in track. And two people that love promessant, which is premature jackalicious weight,

like do you have any of that? I'm like, I do. And I'm like, where are you going? I'm like, I ran into my car. I'm like, here's the promescent. Here's the condom. So I do a fluctuate in my car. I'm like, in New York, I'm in Alfreigh.

You are a doctor. I am. Totally. I can prescribe it. You don't even need a prescription. But there is, it's just, you know, the stamina training, it helps you last longer. Bad news, guys, have your hands.

We've got, I'm sure you probably play with toys before Brian. You seem like a right-of-sense man. I seem like a toy guy. Yeah. And so I'm super fun, but now you can have one too. And it just feels amazing, right? Mastery, or either there's the quick shot, which is the newest member to their family.

And it's a little small one helps with the hand job, as a blow job. Go to sexwithemily.com, click on the flashlight ban or use code Emily and get a free bottle of their award-winning Lou. How do you go about Lou, Brian? I guess it's necessary. It's fun, right? Once you know that it's necessary, it's necessary. It's not necessary. It just means it can be necessary. It can be necessary. Yes. But it can also just be like a good. Like wow, sex felt great, but oh, so much better with Lou. I'm just a fan. I just don't know. Wet and wild. Yeah, I'm a wow.

This is actually, she has a vet at her house. I do have a vet. I'll go to sexwithhemley.com. We just go to her garage. Yeah. Well, you know, I've always talked about my garage for years. I've been like, I've had so much of my garage, and now it's like carried over into my trunk

and to my office. So I have this new personal assistant, Dorine, and she's German, and she's been helping me get organized. So she came over last Sunday, and I just, because I have this garage, it's really not a real garage. You don't buy your car in it. I just store a lot of toys, a lot of all my life in there.

And we did start going through like boxes I've had, like since San Francisco, since the early days, like vibrators I probably got, like not used. Maybe some, no, most of them were not. They're 2005, 2006, 2005 2006 and I was like here you go you want some anal e-spray you know it's like what's that I'm like oh that's some I'm literal gel and I'm trying to explain to what it is and all the old toys and it was sort of sad but also very cathartic to give it to give it all the way to her and she's like I'd never thought that until it's a night I'd be getting the anal e-jell and she got all

my am we cleared it all out and it felt really good and there's time for more, but you know what, more toys to come in? But you do what's embarrassing about someone cleaning out your life in a way? That part wasn't embarrassing. That part was like, oh, I'm glad she went home with six cock rings. She's like, I'll give one to John, like her friends.

So good. Yeah. The weird part is the stuff that you have that sort of, that to me is embarrassing. Like, I'm sort of, I really want to be an organized person, but I'm not. And so I spend a lot of time like buying containers that will organize things. So a lot of my clutter and my garage that we organized and now it's very neat was like container like to hold things to organize things. And there was like bags and boxes like like

a hoarder like on that television show. But there was actually nothing there just things to store. So it sounds like some sort of psychosis maybe. I don't know. Are you concerned, and we talked to Dr. Drew about this on our show, that the technology has gotten so good that once they absolutely figure out the virtual reality thing that it will really prevent dating. Oh, people wouldn't even date any more of this.

Then it's gonna be so realistic and so close that it can be happening. I think it's already happening. It's getting there. And once that you have the point be it's gonna be so realistic and so close that It's getting there and once that you have the point where it's like put on the helmet and you are with Jessica Halba, you know, it's yeah Absolutely, I think if we've lost the sense if we've lost to have to communicate with our partners And we if a lot of people are learning about sex through porn and that's their first They think it's to be like that the first and they have sex like why didn't she scored on me? Yes, and that's their first, they think it's to be like that. The first time they have sex, they're like, why didn't she squirt on me? Yes. And that's already happening. And then if you can virtually feel like you're actually having sex with someone, yes, we'll all become obviously, we'll never talk again. We'll live alone.

You know, we're, I'm a dialogue. We've been to, 78 different cities around the country. And people always say, well, what's the biggest problem in Los Angeles? The biggest problem in Los Angeles is that it's so nice here, day to day, the weather and everything is in such a comfortable zone that the only thing that can sort of mess that up is dating for a lot of people. That like, I can drink my wine and watch the sunset and hang out with my dog.

Why would I want to get involved in something painful or it here, whatever, the middle of the country where it's snow storm or whatever, they want the warm body. Here they look at dating a little bit is like, ugh, I don't know if I want to do that. See, I agree with you. I agree that, and I felt, even in those San Francisco was freezing, I've always felt that my life is kind of,

I kind of want to hang out with my friends today, and is that so, why is that wrong? Like everyone's so concerned, they're saying, I get that you can have a lot of love in your life, but I do. It's not wrong as long as you don't rule out or close off the possibility that that relationship that is out there for you will blow away everything else.

And it still exists. I don't know how to blow away, but see, but that to be is unrealistic too. Well, I want to eliminate everything else. It will surpass. That's what we're thinking. This is the problem with the grass, the grass, the grass, the greener, all the people who are married with kids looking

like, this is all I want it, and they're looking at your Instagram in Vegas. And then the people get, you know, and then you're thinking, God, you know, maybe that would be nice when they'd have a house, maybe you're thinking that, not you, but some people. But you're saying that the marriage is gonna come in and blow everything, no, I don't know.

I don't know. Marriage, or the relationship, I think. I wanted to make it better, but it shouldn't be so much work either. Well, some work, but not not you know when it's over. I'm just saying that, you know, if the guy spent in 12 hours every Sunday and his fantasy football league, it's because he doesn't have the girl that he wants. And she would trump that every time.

I think it's eliminated. His friends, his activities, his hobbies, or whatever. But the healthy... Six hours on fantasy football. Yeah, cut it back. The healthy, you know, you and her, or you and him, or whatever your sexual orientation is, will always be more satisfying when it's good than just about anything else.

You know, a lot of the girls are like, oh, we're friends forever, BFFs or whatever. You know, that gets tabled a little bit when you're in the happy relationship. Yeah, well, that's what I'm afraid of too, is like, eventually those friends are gonna run out because they are gonna find somebody. They don't leave though, but some of them,

friends don't leave, didn't they all leave? I think they don't, they don't leave, but you're gonna see the last. They check out what's happening. I mean, it's happened, but I feel like they're always still there. I think I operate another planet, so that I should just, cause I just eat all,

and like, it's all fine, you know? Okay, what about Valentine's Day? What do you think I operate another planet, and sometimes I should just, because I just eat all, and it's all fine. What about Valentine's Day? What do you think about Valentine's Day, Brian? Well, that's a good question. I had a girlfriend once, and I made the argument that if you do the other 364 days, you don't need Valentine's Day, and she goes, that's a wonderful theory. I need Valentine's Day. So shut up.

Valentine's Day is a celebration of love as much as a relationship. So I think single people can also have huge, there's huge opportunities on Valentine's Day. Because people are out there and they want to feel what the people, you know, everybody is feeling. I don't think it's just for couples or celebrating what you are.

I think it's a celebration of love. And whether you have it or you don't, or you're looking for it, I think it's a good opportunity. Absolutely. Go out. Go out. You're single. What's the big deal? Right. Go on. It is one of the best times in me people. We did a show last year. We did a show here in a light on Valentine's. You should.

People got to lend that night. And people were there. You knew everybody there was, you know, single and was looking to not be single. It was good opportunity. You track how many people like do they email you like, fine, I came, but I met the love of my life. All the time, either they met him that night or they put something to use that they learned at the show. Again, tell me what they look. Most of the answers, our job, my job at the show is just to raise the questions.

The audience provides a lot of the answers. And a lot of what they do is either they change their approach. Mostly what the biggest thing that changes is the men learned to be less afraid. And so, you know, if you're not going to approach, you're not going to get her anyway. So, so what if she says, no. And I also tell people to get rid of the words, not my type. If you're over 30 and you're still single, you have no type. You're not the type. Right. So,. Because you don't know who that person knows. You find out more about yourself sitting across from somebody that you wouldn't normally

sit across from than just about anything else. And if you're not, you can sort of work your way up to that. Start out by wearing something that you wouldn't normally wear. Then order something off the menu that you wouldn't normally order. So you're kind of retraining your brain to shift up your normal to get out of your comfort zone. And that is the easiest way to start opening yourself up to opportunities everywhere. Yeah, I totally, totally agree with you. People, it's the approach that all comes down to confidence. So you're teaching men to be more confident? Like are you doing?

Right. The men need to be confident and the women, you know, it's a lot harder. The men are open to change if they just need a roadmap. They just need to know that, okay, if you do this, you know, if you jump this high, you can get the cheese, you know, a lot of men have really lost their confidence and they're afraid and men are hurt by a woman a lot longer. Women sort of get their heart broken a little bit from the time they're 15

and they know how to process it and deal with it and all that kind of stuff. One girl can wreck a guy. This is what Doug drew when I talk right on level, like, like, wreck right now. They internalized it. They've always been that way. Yeah. We were talking about that. It feels like it's the porn thing, but also more than ever we've guys calling.

You're like, I'm 22 years old. My girlfriend broke up with me three years ago and I still haven't left my house. And it's like this whole epidemic of guys who can't, I'm 22 years old, my girlfriend broke up with me three years ago and I still haven't left my house. And it's like this whole epidemic of guys who can't, I don't know why. A little bit, the social media thing, and the only picture thing. It's just seeing her in a bikini, right?

Yeah, it's just seeing her. And it's the only picture's people are posting her the happy ones. So you think that everybody else... I think it's supposed to be like in bed, like, I had to go on for three days. I'm gonna do that. So it takes a lot longer if ever the men

don't naturally do the work. They don't naturally open up. They don't naturally process this pain and there's a lot of men out there walk around and pain and so we really have to give them an extra nudge to say that the fastest way out of that dark place is to just go through it, go through it, go through it, go through it, and then go for it, go get back on the horse. But how do you think that men typically, if they're not used to going through a lot of these things and repressing the guy because we were talking

about doing our work and I think we say that but so we don't really know what that means, I think it means don't be afraid of therapy. I started therapy and I'm a thousand times better for it. How many years have you been therapy? Have you been in? Two years. Oh, that's it. That's good. This is the very, just the very act of wanting to go or thinking about it and having questions It's so good for you. It's so good for you when when we started the great love debate tour I was kind of like oh these poor So you know, I thought I'd like and then about halfway through I'm like I'm just as bad as everybody I'm worse. I'm like these people are me because at least they're being honest about it

I was sort of like I'm the moderator. Yeah, I'm like, don't ask me these questions. And you know, you have to own whatever your dating fate is. A lot of people sometimes come to our shows and they wanna hear, especially the women in New York, they wanna hear this city sucks and all the guys are terrible. And if you give them something, they wanna be validated in their misery

because then it's not them. And if you give them a thing like, well, I got a room full of 100 really good guys right here, that's tough for them to deal with it first. It is tough. You have to shake up their comfort zone. I love that you do that. I love that you're doing these to everywhere.

And they're just hundreds of people. I'm going to come to the next one. Not necessarily for dating, you know. I'm just going to hate all those assholes because I'm way above them. No, but it is true that what I was going to say is about having therapy is that that's, you know, like for 15 years, I don't gonna hate all those assholes. Because I'm way above them. No, but it is true that what I was gonna say is about having therapy is that that's, you know, like for 15 years, I don't think you're ever really done.

10 years straight, I'm on it, you know, 10 years, I went and then five years on it. I just think you always go back for different things. The point is that with men, when you talk with them, like just telling them what to do, like this is what you have to do to get to here. Do you think that a lot of that is a woman's responsibility like in a relationship where they're like,

I'm training him, I'm training him. What do you think about that? I think we should be trained, and I think that you, if more so than women. Yeah, because you guys, we're pretty simple in what we need. Everyone says that, but why is it? It's true, okay.

All we know is what made the last girl happy, and we've probably found that out six months too late. That's true, I would say that sexually, right? If you tell us here, a lot of women I say, what do you need to be happy? And the list of what makes them unhappy is right here. It is right to go. And the happy list is not nearly as clear.

But if you say early on in a positive, reinforcing fashion, even if you're on a first date, and you are like, and the woman's like, so what do you like to do? And the guy's like, I like to go fishing. Rather than going, you say, I bet there's so many more things that we can do that are more fun than fishing. And suddenly you're giving him a glimpse of the possibility. The sex thing too, a lot of times the guy needs sex

very early in the relationship, just to understand that you might like him. That's what he gets back. If you said, listen, it might take me a long time to get comfortable with sex, but when I am, I'll blow your mind. That's all he needs. He will stay forever.

It's a positive, well lit roadmap to success. And if you give him that, we can all be trained. And it's teaching those tools though, because I think women too, I, and I'm from the sex that they do not know, they might not even know what they really want, but they certainly don't know how to ask for it in bed. Like they don't even, because I'm always saying,

they go, ask them, what's your fantasy? I don't fantasize. I don't think about it. I don't masturbate. It's like you gotta put in the time of figuring it out. Because if you don't know, there's no way we're gonna know. Exactly. You know, and so that's a little,

that's doing the homework too, is what do I like? What do I need and how do I communicate it in a positive fashion that the other person will look at it is like fun and sporting and all that kind of stuff versus you're not doing the right thing. Right and it's practice too because I think you know our greatest fear all of our is that we won't be loved that we're going to be rejected by somebody and so then the more we actually are authentic real selves with someone and it's okay you know nothing happened they actually liked us more than you realize. You know, the whole dating experience,

I like to, the analogy I like to use is ping pong. And so the first serve is high, and then you hit it back, and then you keep, you wanna keep it going as long as possible without smashing it out of bounds or we're hitting it into the net. The more you can keep this thing going till you get into a rhythm, whether it's sexually or communication or just a comfort zone, the better.

And so you kinda go with a piece. People don't realize how nervous both parties are on the first date, you know, especially the men. I don't know what their first date tips. A lot of times people are like, he just talked about himself the whole time. I'm a narcissist and I'm like, he probably did because he was nervous and babbled.

That's why I said, I got eight million times. I'm like, give him a second chance, he was nervous, I mean, next problem. I'm said, I got eight million times. I'm like, give him a second chance, he was nervous. I mean, next problem. Build something flammable on you. Yeah, give him a second chance. That's right. And ask questions that are interesting, but aren't judgmental.

Don't ask things like, what is your dream vacation? Because he's gonna try and be like, oh, what is she gonna think is interesting. Right. If you ask a question, like, have you ever ziplined? Well, that's sort of yes or no. And he could, you know, make a comment on it. Give people, you know, questions that are sort of finding out a little bit about them, you know, you don't want to ask like, how much do you weigh?

But you want to ask questions that, that people feel comfortable answering and build up to the stuff you really weigh. Right. And don't be so judgmental about people right away and writing them off. No. But then also there's a fine line between knowing like my gut says. Well, I also think though, I think if you're over, I'm cutting the time and half of the day people know now. That's everything. You know, if you're over 40 as a man or maybe

over 35 as a woman, I don't think if you've never been married, I don't think you can dismiss that. Like it's not an important subject. You can't be like, I was busy right, I just haven think if you've never been married, I don't think you can dismiss that, like it's not an important subject. You can't be like, I was busy or I just haven't met the right person yet. You have to have an answer to that, that takes ownership of wherever you are in your relationship.

And answer to why you're not in a relationship? Or have you never been married or what's the longest relationship? If you, if you, if you, you, I'm, first three questions of every day that I don't want. Because it, because, Have you ever married, no, have you ever lived anyone, no, what you wanted to right?

You know like that is a way to give him text to my head before you ask me What's your aunt? I asked you this on our show and your answer is kind of wish you was she what would you say? So what you like I just wasn't important to me. It wasn't it's true though. I've never prioritized That was not my it didn't seem interesting to me the time right at the time So if that is- But now it does. Right, so you're gonna have to really define why now it does. Um, because I think that I've worked out a lot of things that maybe were prohibiting

me from- Exactly, and that's all they wanna hear, because even if they're out of- I feel it in the blanks. Right, their friends and their family are yapping in their ear, like aren't you crazy? What? She's never right. Oh my god, all the time. Or they Google it, just Google me.

And then they, Oh, you screwed. I saw the girl you're dating. It's Adel's sex month on our website. Right. You should be wanting to go down this road, honey. You know, there's, that's challenges, you know. But your mom's okay with it.

Totally, and I don't know why mom's cool. That's all you have to say is my mom's okay with it. Yeah, my mom's, yeah, exactly. Mom loves it. That's rules. Yeah. why mom's cool. That's all you have to say is my mom's okay with it. Yeah, my mom's. Yeah, exactly. I love it. Yeah. So there's that. I was going to have you help us answer an email.

Sure. Fun the people. I love you. You mean, are you going to say something you looked like you were excited? No, just that. You know, we're going to talk about, we're talking about your mom. I was about to say she kind of destroyed you with that one comment. We've talked about for like 10 years

But yeah, but you might want to tell him. Well, yeah, you might find this interesting You're right. I see this is I probably don't feel in the blanks though. We did a reality show I'm bravo called misadvised. Oh, I know I know the others. Oh, okay. I know Amy and I know Julia Oh, okay, did we talk about this? No, but I. Okay. Julia did our show in San Francisco. She's the one I always bring her up

who has 67 things on her checklist of what she's in the corner, man. Yeah. That explains a lot. Exactly. And I don't have any list. I don't have any list. The three of us, then you see it or you,

I've seen it and I never had any. Whatever, I don't care if you do. It's okay to watch it. Like, people who watch it. But, no, I think people watch it. The point is, my through line through it was that my mother told me never to, I was like 12 and my parents were going divorced. She was getting divorced for the second time and she looked at me.

I was like 12 year old girl and she was like, Emily, never, ever rely on a man is what I heard or anyone. They're a man to take care of you. You will always be taking care of yourself. So I internalize that as, wow, okay, so I'm always gonna be working. And I better love what I do, because that's gonna be really important

because no one's gonna take care of me. And I would date, but I was like, until I get to this point in my life, in my career, which is the same as saying once I get the car, everything I'll be happier, once I get money, but I really believe I needed that security, and I needed to be able to take care of myself. And that's why I couldn't,

if anyone got in the way that you worked too much, I'm like, you talked too much. I hear that a lot, like, we know you can buy your own stuff and we know you can fix your own stuff or whatever. After 6 p.m. turn back into a girl. Yeah, no one I like that. And that can be a boy. And a lot of women have trouble taking that.

No, I really though, see, I'm not like a masculine. I'm always like, I'm always a damsel. I was writing my own business, but I was always like, but can you do my website? I'm like, guys help those who like, I'm like, can you edit this video? Like they're all working for me. Asking for help does not show weakness.

No, it wasn't weak, but I'm saying I was vulnerable. Vulnerable. I'm not a hard-ass bitch. I'm not like, I got my own, because I did just show. I would say the most confident man in the room is usually the most vulnerable. And to embrace your greatest weakness as a man or a woman, that is a really strong thing to do.

And letting strangers for the most part get a little bit of glimpse of your vulnerability is something that goes along. And I think that that's another thing that I have been working on a lot in thinking about. I'm vulnerable. I feel like that's another thing that I have been working on a lot in thinking about. Is that I, well, I'm vulnerable. I feel like I am, I'm even more so I realize the virtues of it and how important it is

and how much you've got. You have to work harder sexually early on because they're probably intimidated by sex with Emily. Yeah. So you have to let them know that whatever they're doing or not being fine. It's fine. Right away. I think like your penis is fine. Oh my God, that was great. Right away. I can be like, your penis is fine.

Oh my god, that was great. Right, I mean, little bit, you have to almost say like my happy face. Sex with them is a character. Even if it's not, you sort of have to have two personalities. That's been hard to, because because guys, they're like, oh, I don't listen and they listen. They're like, no, they're like, you didn't talk

about our, your brain. I get that. If I'm going to date, they're like, do you really want to know that? Or is it research? I'm like a little bit of both. I don't use their names. Yeah.

That's cool, right? Do we have time for the email? I think we have to. You're awesome. I love having you here. I think we don't even have time. But you've helped so much, Brian. You've helped our people, our listeners.

I'm curious what the email was. What did you say? I'm curious with the email. Okay. It's a real quick one. Okay. So this one is about, I'm going to do the second one here. How to ask a girl out. Do you remember?

I see this girl quite often that works at a coffee shop. We hit it off with conversations that went really well and I want to ask her out. I'm afraid that she may be in a relationship, but what's the safest or coolest way to go about it? Hi, would you like to go out? If she's in a relationship, you're not losing anything anyway. On the women's side though, real quick quick here's the way you make it easier that whole first encounter you know the guy says can I have your number and it's

yes or no would you like to go out yes or no and then a lot of times it dies right there because it's on the man to interpret oh my god what I have to be I have to think of what to do so if you say would you like to go out sometime yeah you want to do dinner and he'll say, would you like to go out sometime? Yeah, you want to do dinner? And he'll say, sure, because he thinks of dinner. And she's like, there's a new place I wanted to try. You're just feeding him information that he can grab at. And so you're not asking him out.

So the more the planning of the date, especially in LA, God knows what everybody eats or doesn't eat or whatever, it's really, really challenging. The more the more information you can give him while he's asking you these things, the more likely it is going to be to work out. To his question though, she's in a relationship, then she's going to tell you. So you're not going to go and say,

are you in a relationship because I'd like to take you out? I'd like to take you out. If she says she's in a relationship, well, maybe she'll put, file it away for later. Right, but don't obsess about it, more or less, let her wait three weeks. So we tell you just do in the moment. That's a way to learn the guys in the moment.

You've got to lose. Yeah, the old you miss a hundred percent of the shots you don't take. Exactly. No, it is true. That's a good one. And because a lot of it is based on fear. We got to recycle ourselves out of so many things.

Right. She'll be flattered. She won't be mad. Totally. She's giving me acts. Yeah. I think that we make excuses why people won't work out in our lives.

OK, so Brian, great think so. I think that we make excuses why people won't work out in our lives. Okay, so Brian great love debate Great love debate.com at great love debate on Twitter and Instagram and you and you a personal the great love debate is Facebook the page Sorry, but or at Brian howie everywhere Brian howie Twitter Facebook all that kind of stuff. Okay, great. We'll have this all on our site and I want to come debate love Debate I would love it. We'd love to have you back on the great love debate podcast anytime It was really fun. You could see here. I sit there. I know we'll switch right quick pro podcast I love it. I love it. Okay. Well, thank you very much. Thank you everyone. Manus anything else that we need to know about your life

Just menace on Instagram and Twitter. That's it. Okay, perfect. And nothing crazy. Nothing crazy. That's good, you got menace, huh? Yeah, that's good for you. And I'm back suddenly. So the advantages of starting a Snapchat, we have to do Snapchat. Yeah, it's about it. It's about it. We're new down.

Okay, I love you all. Thanks so much for listening. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithamely.com. So you like talking about sex? Of course you do since you're listening to my show. Well, so does comedian Nikki Glazer, like a lot. On Comedy Central's new show,

not safe with Nikki Glazer, the self-proclaimed curious purve is going to explore it all. The good, the bad, and the uncomfortable. Getting people to share things about their sex lives that they never thought they would, from footlookers to roadhandies. Nikki's got you covered, because everyone's got a thing. Might be a road handy.

Hand job, you got it. Two and into not safe with Nikki Glazer, twosies at 103930 Central and on the Comedy Central app. She likes it when you watch.