Sex With Emily - Refresh Your Relationships, Sex Life & Pleasure!

Episode Date: July 11, 2025

Join the SmartSX Membership : https://sexwithemily.com/smartsx Access exclusive sex coaching, live expert sessions, community building, and tools to enhance your pleasure and relationships with Dr. Emily Morse. List & Other Sex With Emily Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/ Explore pleasure, deepen connections, and enhance intimacy using these Sex With Emily downloadable guides. SHOP WITH EMILY!:https://bit.ly/3rNSNcZ (free shipping on orders over $99) Want more? Visit the Sex With Emily Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ It's not just your closet that needs a refresh, your love life might too. In this episode, Emily helps you declutter the emotional and relational baggage that's blocking deeper connection, better sex, and healthier self-worth. Think of it as a relationship reset: more intention, less chaos. We explore the signs your love life needs a clean-out (hint: recurring patterns, mixed signals, ghosting) and how to stop confusing chaos for chemistry. Emily guides you through rewriting your dating narrative with clarity and compassion, knowing when to break up with your "type" and try something new, and how to identify emotional unavailability in yourself and others. This episode also covers letting go of "situationships" that are keeping you stuck and creating a values-based dating filter that actually works. If you've been stuck in dating loops, confused about someone's intentions, or holding on to a relationship that's "almost" right, this episode offers the permission, and tools, you need to clear the space for real, aligned love. Timestamps: 0:00 - Introduction 8:51 - How to Identify Toxic Relationships and Partners 19:09 - Signs It's Time to Let Go of Your Relationship 23:03 - The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse (Gottman Research) 27:17 - Trust Issues: When Relationships Can't Be Rebuilt 30:24 - When Sex Dies in Your Relationship 38:17 - Email Time: Jealous Partner Making Wild Accusations 44:40 - Sex During Separation: Good Idea or Trap? 47:02 - The Great Squirting Debate: What It Really Is 51:46 - Wrap-Up and How to Connect

You know I've always said that pleasure is wellness. Well, now science backs me up. Magic One just released the results of a groundbreaking study, the first of its kind, measuring what happens to your mind and body when you use a vibrator every day for a week. And here's what they found. Stress levels dropped, sleep got better, connection increased with themselves and with partners,

body confidence skyrocketed, and overall happiness, it confidence skyrocketed and overall happiness it was up big time. And here's the kicker, the week with no sexual activity at all, participants across the board reported worst scores in every category from mood to body image. Just seven days without pleasure made a measurable difference. But once they introduced the magic wand, everything shifted. So if you needed a reason to prioritize your pleasure, this is it. The magic wand isn't just iconic.

Research shows it makes you feel better. Results are live and go check them out today at magicwondstudy.com. And get your magic wand today to join the pleasure revolution. That's magicwondstudy.com. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. It's time to evaluate what's working

and what isn't in your love life. Today, we're diving deep into the hard questions. How do you know when it's time to let go of a relationship that's no longer serving you? I'll be sharing the key warning signs that your relationship might be beyond repair, including the famous Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse from renowned relationship researcher Dr. John Gottman. We'll explore the difference between healthy conflict and destructive patterns, and I'll

help you understand when fighting is crossed the line from productive to toxic. My intention is to give you the tools to honestly assess your relationship and make empowered decisions about your love life, whether that means working through challenges or knowing when it's time to move on. All right, everybody enjoy this episode. Physical touch is my love language, but we all crave touch. We actually need touch.

It's part of our psychological and emotional development. And when we don't have touch, we might experience more anxiety and depression. I know it's so hard to tell where did my anxiety come from? But there is something called skin hunger. And that is, that is a real condition for like, is that real? Yes, your skin gets hungry for touch. And when we're deprived of touch, as many of us have been, especially touch from another human, that can result in a lot of psychological problems and anxiety and all that.

And I'm hearing from a lot of you that are ready to get out and start dating again, because maybe you haven't been dating. And so I want to cover a lot of that in this show about how we can sort of spring clean our relationships, our sex life, our dating life. And maybe you've been, you know, how do you start dating again and bring fun back into your life?

Here's my prediction. So after the 1918, what was it, the Spanish flu? After the 1918 Spanish flu, we went into a decade, the 20s, right? The roaring 20s, which was all about like drinking and partying and it was a good time. When you think of like the roaring 20s, right? The roaring 20s, which was all about like drinking and partying and, and it was a good time when you think like the roaring 20s. Well, I think we're heading into the roaring 20s again, and this could be a decade of hedonism. I feel like I've been preparing for

my whole life. I feel like I've been preparing for my whole life. But now we're all going to be part of it. That is my prediction. You heard it here. So, but today we're going to talk about how to get prepared for that. Okay. Because people have said to me, that sounds really negative. That sounds like you're just going to be, you know, a hedonist. And it is like anything. It's extreme.

But it's a theory that pleasure in the sense of satisfaction or desires is the highest good and proper aim of human life. Oh, I actually agree with that. But I understand that a hedonist can come up as really selfish and they're about their own pleasure. I'm not talking about that kind of hedonism, like individual hedonism. I'm talking about all of us realizing that we deserve pleasure. Pleasure is our birth, right? And that we want it for ourselves and we want it for others. So that's my official definition. So a lot of you talk about dating again, right? So I'm going to get into how we can sort of start to connect again with our dating life and maybe you want to spring clean your relationship.

You don't want to get rid of your partner, but you want to make sure that in this next year, you connect again. Maybe you want to change things up in your sex life. But I was thinking about this because traditionally it's next year you connect again. Maybe you wanna change things up in your sex life. But I was thinking about this because traditionally it's about removing clutter. And I have this garage that is filled with so many things and I started cleaning out my own garage.

And there are so many things that were in it. This is what I found. I found a Christmas tree, not a live one but like a dead Christmas tree, a massage table, workout things, love letters. I have every letter I've ever received in my entire life. For some reason, I have a lot of lamps. There was a lot of lamps. Obviously there was tons of sex toys.

I have a weird thing with my sex toys. I have gotten rid of some, but some of them, I just, I still wanna try. So there's piles of ones I want to try, but there's just some like my very first magic wand or my first WeVibe like they're in the box. I just, I love them. They're part of my history.

Lot of cleaning stuff, a lot of suitcases. Apparently I need to travel, but you need different sizes of suitcases, right? You just do, I have every size. So if you need to borrow a suitcase, I've got that. There was a lot of pillows and curtains and furniture and files, papers, I don't know. It was very cleansing.

It's very healing to remove stuff that you do not need because, okay, take it literally. There is now more space. I can walk through there. I can walk through my garage. Think about if you clear out all the clutter in your life, the people, the relationships, things that just don't serve you. You're literally making quite literally making space for new stuff to come in. Like if you sent me another sex toy before I was

cleaning out my, I, there was no room in my garage, but now I have space. I know what I have. It's so, there was no room in my garage, but now I have space. I know what I have. It's so freeing and it can be really settling. It's good for your nervous system to get rid of what doesn't serve you. So, oh, the other thing I wanna say about spring cleaning. So I said this on the pleasure planning show. We talked about our new pleasure planner,

which we have a pleasure planner and you should go to our website and download it. But the pleasure planner is all about prioritizing pleasure the next year, whether you're in a relationship or you're with yourself. And it's an exercise, it's a guide, it's a free guide that you download, and you look at all the ways like what is what makes you happy. And I'm not just talking about sex. Maybe it's seeing your friends, maybe it's gardening, maybe it's going for a walk, and you look at all the ways that you experience pleasure. And then we give you a roadmap to figure out

how to plug that into your life in the new year. And of course there are sex things too to plug in. So if you're in a relationship, you can do it month by month. Like we just did the yes, no, maybe list. And now we're gonna try a night of massage. We're going to have a threesome, you know, all the things. Because I believe that if you don't,

you fail to plan, what is it? If you fail to plan, you plan to fail. Essentially you do, think about it. If you don't plan, if you don't know where you're going, you're just gonna keep kind of swerving around and oh, look, a puppy. But when you plan, like I want my year to look like ABCD. I want my year to be...

Because I know when I do the things that give me pleasure, I have a much better year, a much better time, a much better week. So I have to like schedule those things in. So anyway, you could check that out. But something I mentioned on that show was that I have so many sexy, sexy lingerie and like costumes and things that I love wearing.

And for whatever reason, it was all in this little drawer. I don't have a ton of drawer space in my house. But for some reason, my belt drawer, which I never wear belts, was at a massive drawer. So it's since I stated it, because today we're also going to talk about stating your intentions for the year and manifesting. That's how you get rid of stuff and how you figure out what you want. I said it to you on the show. I made the promise that I was want to talk about stating your intentions for the year and manifesting. That's how you get rid of stuff and how you figure out what you want. I said it to you on the show.

I made the promise that I was gonna prioritize my sexy things, my laundry. I actually did it last weekend. I moved the belts, don't wear those. And I brought out all my things and I organized it until I got rid of stuff. I tried everything on and I got rid of what didn't work. And now I know like this is what's going to make me feel sexy.

It's like garters and bras and little costumes and fine little sparkly headbands. And I guess headbands for sex, but mine headbands are sexy. Anyway, for me, again, we get to decide, we all get to decide what is sexy. For me, it's this. Oh, it's a sparkly headband, but it goes with a, it goes with this halter top. That's like a sequin butterfly that just, it's very cool. It's from Burning Man. Anyway, I did all of that. It felt good. So when you're thinking about your relationship, like if you think about this time about being a time to refresh and renew and reevaluate everything in your relationship, like if you think about this time, about being a time to refresh and renew and reevaluate everything in your life,

it's important because we're releasing, we release our old thoughts, people that no longer serve you, you make space, you gain clarity, like what are my values, what's important to me? You know, if your relationship, if sex and intimacy is important in your relationship, it's time to prioritize it. You know, so let's intimacy is important in your relationship, it's time to prioritize it.

You know? So let's start with relationships in your life. Let's start. How would we clean those out? So think about your toxic partners or your toxic friends. And if you're like, Emily, how do I know if I, if someone's toxic? So well, here's how you know. You feel worse when you're with them.

They make you feel bad. They don't celebrate you. Every time after you leave them, you're like, did she really mean that? Did he really tell me that I'll never, you know, that my idea was bad or he didn't, you know, compliment me or she made me, you know, made me feel worse. If you're constantly with people or friends that just make you feel bad, it's probably pretty toxic because the people that you wanna be with, they see the higher version of yourself. They want you to be your best self.

They want you to win. They're on your side. So that's a sign. The other thing is an energy drain. The people that you leave and you're like, I gotta gear up for this lunch with this friend. Or every time I go out with this person, I feel, you know, even if you have sex with someone

and you go home, maybe you're just seeing someone casual, you're like, oh, it's just, do they still like me? Was I bad in bed? Did they think, all those doubts, all those things, that's how you know that people who suck the life out of you. Like, okay, so I was thinking about this. when I first started sex with Emily, I was dating guy at the time who was like, this is a terrible idea. Like why would anyone want to use talk about sex?

I mean, they're going to think that you're super slutty or or you worked in politics. Like, why is anyone going to believe you? And he constantly made me feel bad about my choices. And so I just want to be with someone who gives me freedom. And they make me feel good. And they're not jealous of my friends. And they don't try to be with someone who gives me freedom and they make me feel good. And they're not jealous of my friends and they don't try to like suffocate me. If you're in a relationship that feels suffocating

and they gaslight you, which is a manipulative behavior that everything is an argument and they make you feel insane, toxic, you know. And I think also like how to know if a relationship is over. If you're constantly fighting, you can't agree with the problems are anymore. You're always justifying staying in the relationship

and you feel like you can't even tell your friends and lovers, your friends and family that you're still with this person. Maybe you feel like you're a different person around them. And if you know it's over, you're doing a service to your partner by letting them know as soon as you know that it's not going to work. So just remember to break up with integrity and kindness and have honest conversations about how you're going to dissolve the relationship.

And just again, just try to do it with integrity and without gossiping and name calling and all those things. Hedonism is the ethical theory that pleasure is the highest good. And so I guess I do agree with that. But people think that hedonism is all about your ego and individual pleasure, and I'm going to feel good at all costs. But I believe that we're heading into a place where hedonism is more about our pleasure and respecting the pleasure of others and trying to have them experience more pleasure

in our life, because God knows we haven't had it. In fact, my theory, 1918 was a Spanish flu. And after the Spanish flu, we went into the roaring 20s, right? It was like debauchery and drinking, and it was just the flappers and the whole thing. I think we are there again. After COVID, after COVID-19, after the COVID virus, and we've all been in lockdown, we are now in the 20s.

And I think it's gonna be a decade of hedonism and pleasure and self-love and realizing that when we don't have those things, because we were essentially deprived of it the last year, which we've never ever been in this position before, where we couldn't do the things that we wanna do. We couldn't go out and see our friends. We couldn't go hug them.

We couldn't even go to the beach for a few months. You couldn't go outside. The hiking trails were closed. I mean, we could go to restaurants. We could go to movies. Like those are pleasurable things. So as a result, correct for that, I think that we're heading into a decade

of realizing that we have to prioritize our pleasure and that it is our birthright. So who's going to join me? And we'll do it in moderation. I'm not saying we're all going to go off the rails because I'm not saying that. I'm just saying let's prioritize our pleasure. And I'm here with Anderson, my darling Anderson.

It's been a while. It's been a long time, Em. I know. I did a little vacation. What are you doing? Why are you out there cheating? I know. I'm sorry. I'm not really cheating. But I was with my mom on vacation. Was that fun? You know what? I gotta say, it was, um, I haven't had a vacation, um, since the early 2000s.

And, uh, it was really nice just to get away with my mom and to, you know, I let my mom super chill. So she's not like, ma, like all over my... She was on the show. She was in here. I like her. Yeah. You guys, check out the show with my mom and to, you know, my mom's super chill, so she's not like, like all over my stuff. She was on the show, she was in there, I like her. Yeah, you guys, check out the show with my mom, that was a really popular show. Did your stepdad go too?

No. Girls weekend out. We went to Cabo and it was fun, I really just needed to relax. My mom has way more energy than I do, and she was like, let's go sightseeing, and I'm like, nope, I'm just sitting by the pool. I would guess it was the other way around. Exactly. Knowing you, Em? Mm-hmm the pool. I would guess it was the other way around. Exactly.

Knowing you, Em? Mm-hmm. Exactly. My mom is always there. I would guess your mom being going, can I just please relax by the pool, honey? And you're like, no, we have to go see this. We have to go that way.

And I heard there's a sex lecture. And da-da-da-da-da-da. I used to be like that. And I have to say that since I have an edification and so long, I really needed the distance and the perspective to just step back and reflect and do nothing. I'm like, no, I'm not going shopping, not doing this. And she was cool.

And then she chilled out, which was good for her. And I had a lot of breakthroughs. It takes experience. It's hard to do a good vacation. Cause most of the time, if I go on vacation, I might come back exhausted and you don't wanna do that. You wanna have a nice, you wanna experience new stuff and see new stuff for sure, but you gotta find a balance

and you gotta come back relaxed. I don't, I get most every single vacation I go on, I come back and I'm like, at work? I'm so tired though from running around on my vacation. Yes, see, I did not run around and I was there. I was healthy, I meditated every day, I ran, I, you know, took care of myself. So hippie dippy.

I'm hippie, what can I say? And so that was fun. And then also I just wanna mention that we've had some really good show. You guys, first of all, our show was, god, number six on iTunes, which is amazing. But there's been some really popular shows. We just, first of all, our show was, God, number six on iTunes, which is amazing. But there's been some really popular shows. We just posted out the five bedroom mistakes you might be making.

You might love that episode. And then what women really want in bed with the Lady Gang. So check out that podcast. That was fun too. And spring, it's spring. Spring is sprung. Spring. Do you know what happens in the spring, Anderson?

Yeah, flowers bloom and like little birdies hatch and bears come out of retirement or hibernation. Exactly. That's what happens. And it's a time for renewal, rebirth, cleaning out your closet. Do you do that kind of thing? No. Okay. Out with the old and with the new.

You know who I am? I live in California and it's always like spring slash summer out here. That's true. I don't really notice that seasons pass or come. No and it's always like spring slash summer out here. That's true. I don't really notice that seasons pass or come. No, it's it is true. My mom's admissions because I'm so excited when I get home, I can buy winter clothes in the basement. I can love that.

I was. Yeah, you know, I have to do things like I have a number of calendars around my house so that something changes. You know, so I know it's true. Every time a new season officially comes on board, you know what I do? I got a new caller for Stan. He has four, he has four separate callers. He's got a spring. This is ridiculous, but sure. His spring collar, he's got a winter collar.

He's got his fall and, uh, and what's the other one? I almost bought him a collar, um, in Mexico, but I didn't know if he's down with it. He's really cute. Well, I didn't like it for winter. I'm glad I didn't. Green is for spring. Yellow, so I'm offended if he didn've got it. He's really cute. Well, I didn't like it for winter. I'm glad I didn't. Green is for spring. Yellow. So I'll be offended if he didn't wear it. Right. Is the dog.

Check out my Instagram if you want to see pictures or my face. Yes. Yeah. You know, it's funny though, every time I get it. So when you call Lyft, give you like Uber, it's a little pink mustache. When you get, when you call Lyft for a ride, do you know that you're it's connected to your Facebook?

Right. And the picture they see that pops up, I would get in the car and it's, and you know, my Facebook profile is me and Stanley. Oh, it is. I didn't know that you're it's connected to your Facebook, right? And another picture they see that pops up the I would get in the car and it's and you know, my face I'm a man Stanley. Oh, it is I didn't know that yeah, so it's really funny because I'm always like others like oh you've a cute dog So every time we get a lift they're like, what kind of dog is that and I'm like, it's not really my dog Oh, you can lie. I like I'm so you're I have a feeling I know where you're going. You're talking about Maybe cleaning out the bad relationship in your life? Exactly. We get rid of possessions and maybe the people who aren't really serving you that well.

Like Orly? Yeah, if they're not giving you oral sex, that's one of the points. It's time to freshen everything up, okay? That's what we're doing here in the spring. And there's actually this book that's been crazy bestseller. It's this Japanese book about decluttering. It's a Japanese book about decluttering. It's about, it's a Japanese organization book and it's, I can't find the name of it. No, no, no, no,

it's better than that. Because I, ironically, uh, most people who bought that book, it's probably part of that clutter now. No, here's the thing. The book is actually clutter. You don't know about me. That's true irony right there. Uh, can I tell you what? What can I tell you? I'm looking it up. Yeah. Keep talking. You have a hard time doing two things at once. Uh, can I tell you what? What? Can I tell you I'm looking it up? Yeah. You have a hard time doing two things at once. So, uh, okay. It's called Marie Kondo wrote a book, um, about Japanese. The lot, uh, the life changing magic of tidying up sounds silly. There's a million books and organizing, but this book,

so I'm obsessed with organizing. I don't think you know this about me. Cause I'm actually not organized. Have you noticed? Yes, I've noticed I'm disorganized. I have this dream, like when I want to relax and chill out or I feel like I need to de-stress, I stand in target and I'm like, oh, if I could just buy those organizers for my files, then everything will be okay.

But then you just walk right by the aisle? No, I buy tons of organizers. And then they become clutter. Clutter. Yeah, you see the irony. Dude, there's so much irony in my life. But anyway, this is her trick in the book, which is why it actually works,

because I actually read the book, and her thing is she wants you to separate everything into piles, like these are my t-shirts, these are all my clothes, these are all my books, and then you have to hold everything in your hand for a second and say, does this bring me joy? And if it doesn't, you toss it. What if it brings you joy right in that moment?

Cause you forgot you even had it. No. Cause I have this issue. My wife's always on my back. We all rationalize and stuff. But if you really think about it, you're like, oh, it's kind of broken or like my dad gave it to me as a gift so I got to save it. But you know what?

You got to think they gave it to you as a gift at that moment to make you happy. They don't care if you hang onto the t-shirt from Florida. You know? Yeah. I got like a guilt thing going. Like my mom used to pack my lunch when I was in grade school and I didn't like the American cheese, but I'd eat it because I picture her putting it on my sandwich and I'd feel bad that she went through the effort. You know what I mean?

So I eat it anyways. Yeah, kind of thing. So it's getting rid of stuff. So you know, we all go through phases in relationships and couples experience like up and down, up and downs, but there is a point in a relationship where you have to ask yourself some questions. And if you've been kind of thinking I'm not sure if this is working for me, we've been fighting for a while, I'm not sure this is the person, I'm gonna give you some things to think about.

We're gonna walk this through here. I was talking about this book to my friend and she was saying that you know, and I've read a lot of these different things, they're like you know if you want to find a partner you have to things. They're like, you know, if you wanna find a partner, you have to make room, like if you're single, which you are not single, but make room in your home so you can welcome that person in, like have two nightstands with two lamps and make sure there's space.

And then you're, and I thought about it. And so I live in a very tiny cottage. And one of the problems with my bedroom is that you actually can't walk, I have no closet, so it's all hanging right. You can't actually get to the other side of the bed. And my ex, who I broke up with a few months ago, he was like, I can't, it was so hard for him

to get into my room when he didn't like sleeping there. Not because of that, but he liked my house, but it was like that. And I'm like, oh my God, I was not welcoming you into my home. There was other issues. And you might be doing that subconsciously too. Maybe, I was like, I don't want you in my bed.

But anyway, that's just a whole nother story. But here's some signs that it might be time to let go. And again, you guys, let me just say something. This is not a Cosmo story, Cosmopolitan. Again, you're not gonna like check, check, check, break up. I have no formula here, but these are just, I want you to start thinking about these things. Where does this list come from? My brain.

Your brain. Yeah, from the mind of them. Let's do this. I'm excited. Okay, ready? Number one, if there's yeah, from the mind of them. Let's do this, I'm excited. Okay, ready? Yeah. Number one, if there's abuse, whether it's emotional or physical. Now that seems obvious.

You often don't know if you're in an unhealthy situation because obviously you're not like, I like to be abused. And so, you know, this feels really, really good. And this is a deal breaker. But again, when you're in it, you don't know that you're in that cycle of abuse. You're absolutely right. I've talked to a number of girls in my life,

and it's shocking how many of them will say without even the, without any kind of vein of irony or anything about how they are abused in their relationship. But they don't speak about it as though it's abuse. Again, then he starts calling me fat, and he's yelling at me, and it's like, they're bitching about it, but they don't realize this is hardcore abuse. Exactly.

You need to let this dude go. Right, and that's why you need to be able to have friends or people you trust and reflect on. So here's a cycle of abuse. Do you know the cycle of abuse? If you want to Google this, there's a great, um, it's, you know, I learned this in the psychology, but there is a cycle. There's like, you know, if you Google it, go to Google images, you'll see, but it's, it's number one, the tensions build. So, you know, tensions increase, there's a breakdown of communication. You feel like the victim, fearful, that kind of thing. Right. Walking on eggshells. Exactly. Then there's an incident, something can happen. Verbally, they assault you or emotionally,

you're physically anger. Then there's the reconciliation. You make up. It feels really good. You feel like you're getting closer. There's apologies. You give excuses. You deny that it even happened. And then there's a calm after that. And you think's apologies, you give excuses, you deny that it even happened, and then there's a calm after that. And you think, oh, you know, this is the fourth stage of it. It's forgotten, there really was no abuse, and you get in that honeymoon phase, and you're like, wow, we're healing, we're moving.

And then the tension starts building. So it's a loop. Tensions build, incident, reconciliation, calm. Can I just, what do you say to this? Every good, healthy relationship does have a cycle where fights do come. You show me a couple that never gets in any fights for years, that's an unhealthy couple that don't really pay attention to each other. I've always said, Lou belongs on every nightstand and finally there's one that earns its spot and then some. Meet Aria Luxury

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Actual abuse, yeah. Yes. I'm talking about verbal abuse and we're going to label, we're going to, I'm talking about abuse of tension. Yes. I'm talking about verbal abuse and we're going to label, we're going to, I'm going to let you know here some signs that you are. Don't worry. We're getting into this. So if you notice this cycle might be time to end the relationship. It's never good. And let me tell you also, if you are an abusive relationship and you get out of one, that's a great time to learn from the relationship and to do some work on yourself. Re-evaluate your choices.

It's a cheap repeating the cycle. Yeah. Number two, the fighting gets mean and it starts happening more frequently. So like you just said Anderson, couples, they fight. Yeah. If you never fight, oh, we're so happy. That's also fine. You're going to have disagreements.

But we're talking about it gets mean. Yeah. And that's what's happening to you thing. What? It gets mean. That's not your thing. Well, it gets mean. It gets mean. That's such a, yeah. And it happens more and more.

Now, John Gottman, he's one of my favorite researchers. Have you heard of Gottman? Gottman. Gottman Institute. So Gottman, he did these amazing studies and he did these studies over years and years and he watched couples and he was able to identify predictors of either a failed or

terminally happy unhappy relationship he studied couples over a few years period and now gets a point where he could look at him for five minutes and he can tell if a few things happen that it's not gonna last right so let me tell you what these are I would think that some of these couples had issues because they're like I really don't like that there's a dude named dr. Gottman over my shoulder constantly watching us well no exactly that was another issue no but I'm telling you, you're gonna hear these and you're gonna know it actually, it's called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.

If you wanna look it up. Tell me more. Okay, number one, criticism versus complaints. So a complaint, specific situation, right? Like your partner failed you in some way and you're like, hey, you know, you know what it kind of attacks their, so that's criticism and then there's complaints.

So let me, complaints are okay. Tell me the difference between the two. Okay, right, okay, here's a complaint. Anderson, we're married. Okay. God, there's no gas in the car again. I'm really aggravated, you didn't fill it and you said you would.

And I'm really disappointed. Is that a complaint? That's a complaint. Here's a criticism. You never remember anything, Anderson. I told you to fill up the gas. You can't be counted on and you're a loser and everything you do is like, I'm never trusting you again. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. You're attacking my moral privacy. Exactly. I'm so couples who are more critical than they are complaining is a problem. So critical is that you're the first one and it's you're attacking who they are rather to what exactly a complaint is about what they did specific

You're like you don't make it into this global you always forget things. You're like, you know what this one incident You said you felt the gas. I was late for work. Yeah that bummed me out number two Under the four signs that you relationship is probably double. Yes contempt. This is a huge one contempt Now you know what contempt is. It's when your behaviors, it communicates disgust. It's like, I'm, yeah, just saying, like it's not, it's like, it includes things like criticism,

sneering, sarcasm, like name calling, like you're an asshole, like you roll your eyes, you mock them, you make fun of them. That's contempt and it's hostile, okay? It's the way you treat someone you really don't like. Yeah, you're rolling your eyes, it's disrespectful. It's beyond resentment. Exactly, it's disrespect.

Then you get- This is like how I treat coworkers that I have to work with, but I don't want to like have a relationship with them, but I have to interact with them. Right, it's contempt. And I think we're also gonna put this on the website because I'm gonna give you addition out a lot here,

but this is all like, I believe that Gottman is probably one of the greatest researchers on relationships, so I'm glad we're talking about this. Okay, so then there's defensiveness. This is just like the problem, it's not me, it's you. We all know what being defensive is, but this is like your partner's always defensive.

They never take responsibility for their own behavior and they point to something you did and they complain about you. You're like, listen, Ani, I'm really upset. You said that there was, you know, you were gonna bring home dinner tonight and I'm gonna be hungry. They're like, well, you never do this. And, you know, they never can take it in.

They can never take feedback. They always point it right back at you. Can I just say too, though, about that, Em? A lot of people, that's like a personality disorder and they're like that across the board with everybody in their life. Right? You know what I mean?

There are those people that are gonna be defensive whether they're like married to you, or you're their child, or you work with them. But that's really, really difficult. That's awful, yeah. Yeah, you never get anywhere, because you understand that this is when the breakdown, I always say like you gotta communicate,

and this is when, I'm not saying again, you can end it, these are signs that you could work on it. You could say, you know what? My partner is displaying some of these. And this is when you go to therapy and you say, you know what, these are the issues. And then oftentimes when couples therapy works, that's when you learn the tools to,

they give you tools actually in therapy. And then you go home and you practice, you're like, you know, when you say this in that tone, it really upsets me. And then you learn in therapy that you have a sign that was that tone again, and you learn to kind of change behavior. Some couples are not able to reconcile that. And then also the frequency of fighting, the fighting, like I said, the beginning more

and more fighting. You can't agree on the smallest, smallest things. That's beyond repair. That point, right? Okay. Number three, now this is number three of the big signs that was just partner or two. There's no trust.

Any foundation or iota you had of trust, it's just completely gone. Maybe someone cheated, you know, it could be from past relationships too, it could be childhood trauma, you're always accusing your partner of cheating, and you just cannot build the trust. And it doesn't matter,

there's insecurity, there's jealousy, and this, as you know, if you've been in a relationship like this, both parties will suffer. The problem with trust is people think that, well, I keep reassuring my partner, I keep telling them, you know, you know, I'm not cheating, or if I cheated once, you know, I won't do it again. This is another case where in most scenarios, couples on their own cannot rebuild trust without the help of a third party.

And that is a therapist. Because there's so much broken down and already. And the problem is, if there isn't indiscretion, like let's say that gets founded on, you know, someone did cheat, for example, often as a person who was was the cheater doesn't want to talk about it. Right? Like it's done. It's over. Let's move on It's shameful and the problem is is that the person who was cheated on They don't need closure They need to hear so I'm saying you need to hear every detail and you do patient with them And whatever case may be these couples can't get past it when the relationship's been damaged that bad

It's like the equivalent of having a broken leg that you need to go to the doctor and get it reset. Exactly. You need to go to a therapist and get your relationship reset if it has any hopes of ever being healthy again. Now, early on when this happens, if you notice it in your inner relationship where, you know, there's a lot of trust.

I've been in relationships for like two weeks where we hit all these milestones. Right? Yeah. And how'd they go? Sex is awesome, but milestones, right? Yeah, and uh, how they go This is awesome. But then uh, right. Yeah, everything else is still We always hear from people who are like my partner's really jealous is not working out Guess what? That's not gonna go away and it's probably doesn't have anything to do with you and the jealous partners are usually cheating That's why they're jealous. Well, that's

Interesting. That's true A lot of times and your partners could be projecting. And early on, if you catch this, you can work it through with therapy and try to rebuild it, but sometimes point no return. You know, if you've given it your best, you're not gonna be able to rebuild the trust, game over. And sometimes it's not worth it unless you got like kids, or you know, it's the first time you've ever been able

to find somebody that you could work with. Exactly. But a lot of times it's just like, get out, get out. Yeah, cause you're not, if you're not working on the trust, it's not just gonna get out. Get out. Yeah, because if you're not working on the trust, it's not just going to magically go away. Right. OK. Number four, there's no sex in the relationship.

But we now know sex waxes and wanes in relationships. So there's a lot of ebbs and flows, waxes and wanes. But this is when you've tried. You've actually made an effort. You've tried to talk about it. You tried to work on it. And it just dies out. And this is not about sex drive and libido,

and you just had kids. Sometimes you just don't want to have sex with your partner anymore. You become a roommate. Yep, you become roommates. You're not interested, you find that you're really attracted to other people, you're making lots of excuses not to get intimate with your partner.

And like I've always said, if you're not having sex with your partner, it's gone on too long. You are roommates and you're not lovers. Right. Okay. But you're comfortable and you can't imagine your world without that person. Especially if you share a space. A lot of the time you're people don't like change and you're going to have to make a massive change and have a different living space and have a different roommate or maybe no roommate and that's scary. But you only have one life as far as we know.

Can't be wasting it. And I've told a story actually, I have a friend years ago, few years ago, she's older than me but she was married when I started my show of course, so I talk about sex with everybody and she was like, you know what, they've been together like 15 years at the time,

a woman I work with, she's just, Emily, I don't care about sex, he's a great dad, we got two kids, I've had enough sex in my life. She thinks she was like 40 at the time. She's like, I've had enough sex. And I thought to myself, something's messed up here. You've not had enough sex. And now they're divorced. Turns out there was an affair. And if you find yourself rationalizing away, she, she did. She had enough sex with him.

Well, right. So what I'm saying is if you're rationalizing the fact that, you know what, we're best friends, it's great. I can see, I can see that though, especially when you get, once you got kids and you're older, 40s might be a little bit young, but if you're like 50 or 60, you're doing that. Yeah. Twilight years, you know what I mean?

Yeah, you make your own decisions. We like going on cruises together. But I'm saying, you know, you're, yeah, you still want to be, but it's not working. Finally, and you don't see a future together. Because here's the thing. What, have you been with someone where they're just like, planning trips without you, or you close your eyes

and think, God, I can't, I wouldn't want to meet my parents or I don't want kids with this person. Yeah, I've been in relationships that lasted like six months after this thought went into my head, Emily. We were both hungry, we were gonna go get something to eat, and I'm like, that's like a 10 minute drive to that restaurant, I don't want to sit in the car with this person for 10 minutes to get to the restaurant. We were both hungry, we were gonna go get something to eat and I'm like, that's like a 10 minute drive to that restaurant.

I don't wanna sit in the car with this person for 10 minutes to get to the restaurant. And I was with that person for six months after that. You don't even see a future dinner with them. I don't even see the future drive. The drive seems like just mind bogglingly numb. Exactly. That's a future.

Also, if you feel like you're planning your summer vacation but you're not thinking of them, and also your future plans don't line up. Like you know, you know that you want to settle down in the suburbs with five kids and your partners like can't wait just wants to live in the city. Like these are all important things. People change though. People change.

Well, you know what? But you're right. If you're with someone for a while, and I'm not saying again, you guys, I am not like paying. I'm not like it's something these happen. Like I'm not taking sex with Emily, I'm gonna do a little disclaimer here, I'm not taking responsibility for your relationship ending

if it was wrong, we will not pay for your therapy. I'm just telling you, these are some things that might get the wheels turning. Let me ask you this, Em. Yep. You personally, have you ever been in a relationship for, cause I know you're a monogamous, you're a serial monogamous there for a while.

I was, yeah. Were you ever in a relationship that you felt like it was really bad and you knew inside you were done with it, but you didn't want to give up on it because you'd already been in it so long? Yeah, a lot of reasons. I think that there was comfort.

I used to joke that, and it was actually true, but it's been a while now, that I used to spend half my relationships trying to get out of it. Trying to get out of them. But no, you actually look, well, I've been with him for two years now, I don't wanna throw that away.

No, I never thought that. Okay, because I hear that a lot, especially from the ladies, and it's really not the wisest way to go about something. No, because, right. It's like if you've had a bad stock and you've been losing money for two years, you don't stick with it, you know?

Exactly, you gotta know when it's time to fold them. Yeah. No one hold them. But you've never done that. Okay, good. No, I haven't done that. Okay, so and here's some follow up questions, you guys, because I don't want you to just be like, oh, that's check, check, check.

First thing about this, what are you afraid of if you end it? Spiders. Afraid of being alone? Oh. Afraid that, here's the other thing, how are you able to do this? I'm never going to find anyone else. Yeah.

Right? That might be the case for some people. The best thing that ever happened to me. Ever occurred. No, I don't know. I don't think that's the case for people. I've seen some people. I've seen some people.

Well, they're probably, use a lot of contempt. You ever see somebody like on a reality show and then you find out they have kids and you're like, oh my God, they actually had sex with someone? Who would ever have sex with that? I'm sorry. That was mean. That is mean. You might fear that no one's going to love you, you're unlovable, and then think about

like where are these fears coming from? How real are they or are you using them just as an excuse to settle for good enough? Sometimes we use these excuses. We're like, I'm just too, I don't wanna deal with it. And I know a lot of people who are in relationships who eventually, and some stay together forever and some eventually get divorced,

but they just, they literally in their mind, they're like, I can't imagine being without this person because there will be no one else. But I'm telling you that that's just a fear that is not true. You want to find someone else. There's always somebody. Yeah. There's always somebody.

Now there's always somebody else at your level out there roaming the streets looking for somebody as well. Yeah, that is not, that's right. That's just a fearful thought. The other thing is, am I in love with this person or am I in love with the person I wish they were? Do I think this person is going to change? If they only change then blank. Once they stop drinking, once they lose weight, once

they stop accusing me of beating me, whatever. That was morbid. But you know, then it'll be great. Newsflash people. People do not change unless they want to change. So do not ever date or marry on potential. Right. Which happens I think more often than not. What? I think that people get married and thinking that things are going to change. Right. And people like to change. People like projects. They like fix me ups. Especially you ladies. You did as well. Oh I did a lot. Yeah but I'm kind of like a chick at heart. You're like a chick.

Also, the last one is, is this relationship bringing out the best in me? So like when you're in a healthy relationship, you want to feel like this is your best self. You know, you make each other better, you build each other up, you like working towards the same goals or they support your goals. But if you feel like your relationship is bringing you down and like your partner is like holding you back from things that are really, really important to you. Um, you know, constant criticism and negativity. Like how are you feeling in a relationship? You want to feel like your best self. Um, and I have to say that I was in a relationship not too long ago,

like in the last few years where I realized, and this doesn't usually have, this is something that's new for me that I felt like, God, I had some like insecurities coming up and, um, things that like, I just felt like, God, this person really isn't supporting me. And I think they were a little jealous and it was like, God, I'm actually feeling better. I've never felt, and it's funny because I, these four best girlfriends from college,

and they came out to visit me in San Francisco and they're like, you know what, Em? And I've never seen you worry about this thing. Like you're worried about things that are not like you. And I realized it was, I was allowing my partner to have this effect on me. And sometimes it's really great if you people who know you and love you and trust you to actually listen to them.

Right. And you don't know. It takes guts too, it takes balls. Cause what if you ended up marrying that guy and that guy had a lot of women in your position or men too would turn around and be like pissed at the friends for like saying anything about it. Right, and I'm gonna tell you, here's the other thing.

I don't think that every friend knows the best but you know who those people are. Yeah. The who are your good friends. Gotta have people looking to be grounded. Exactly. To show you what's really happening. Exactly.

And then finally, have you given it your best? Like have you really tried? Cause this can't be just like one thing happening, and you're out, but like you tried therapy, you tried talking about it, and you know when you're done. Okay? So, you know, this is not gonna apply to everybody. And if there's kids, of course, there's more to consider.

But I want you to, I want you to really think about these things. Cause it's springtime. Happy spring, woo! That's not okay, but now, that's, we got that out of the way. So I just, you know, throw out some old t-shirts and throw out some old relationships.

Or stay with them, maybe this is refreshing. It's also the time of year that if you have a house cat, they're gonna be bringing in little baby birds because it's springtime. It's very upsetting. Yeah, it's just like my backyard is just like a, it's a wild safari that if you have a house cat, they're gonna be bringing in little baby birds because it's springtime. It's very upsetting. Yeah, it's just like my backyard is just like a wild safari. Do you have a cat? Yeah, I have a cat.

I have a house cat. But I let her outside. She goes outside, then she brings things in. She had an alligator lizard in her mouth a couple days ago. An alligator? And she was meowing with it in her mouth. Like looking at us all proud. Did you just take pictures?

No, I just screamed out, kitty, no kitty! Kitty runs and then she drops the alligator lizard. Is it dead? No, it was just roaming around my house. I know you probably did get to the vet or something. No, I took it out front, I let it go. Okay, we're gonna take a quick break and be right back. Okay, so I would like to get into some emails.

Email time. Thank you everybody for emailing me. Feedback at sexwithelma.com. I love hearing from you. Are there links on your site too about all the stuff that you just cited there from Gottman? Exactly. We're going to post all this from Gottman, John Gottman, and I think this is going to be really helpful for you guys just to take a look at it because I know I just ran through

a lot, but I think it's really important for you to take them into consideration. Chances are. None of these apply to you. If you are taking the time to go to the website and look at it further to take a look at your own relationship, chances are there's a reason you're doing that, right? Good point, Anderson. Chances are there's something there that's bugging you. I once heard this advice, relationship advice, and I don't think this is for everybody but

they're like, you know, my friend kept saying, God, I just don't know, I don't know, I'm not sure if we should be together for like a year. And my friend turned to her and said, if you don't know, you know. Kind of like the orgasm adage, right? Like, I think I might have had one. If you think you had an orgasm, you didn't have one.

Exactly, you kind of know. Okay, emails. So I love when you include your name, where you're listening from, and how you listen in your age in the email. Oh, and this email I really liked because, you know, we answer a ton of sex questions on the show, but I also like answering, of course, we answer relationship as well. So this was an interesting one that we hadn't gotten a while. Hey, Emily, I'm a big fan of your podcast and iTunes, and I'm in need of some third party advice.

I recently moved with my boyfriend of nearly six years. We live in San Francisco and just made the jump to the Burbs. We lived in San Francisco. We got a new apartment on very short notice, but I had a previously scheduled doctor appointment in the city. So I figured I'd take advantage and sleep in the old apartment to make it easier on myself. I pulled the sheets off the bed in the morning knowing that we'd be back in a few days to pack the remainder of his items and clean the place. We returned to the apartment a few days later and I

immediately tossed the sheets in the wash, not thinking anything of it. My boyfriend apparently found this behavior highly suspicious because he's now accused me of cheating right? He's latched onto the fact that washing those damn sheets was the first thing I did when we got there I absolutely did not cheat on him trust has never been an issue for us. Even though we're frequently apart. I Suspect this is part of a bigger issue and he is second-guessing or moving in together But how do you get someone to address the actual issue instead of throwing out hurtful accusations? Do you think he's inventing reasons to break up?

I'm really hurt by this and I was really excited to be taking these next steps in our relationship and I so appreciate your take on it. Thank you, Jessica 31. Good luck, Em. That's like nine different directions you can go there. Well, yeah. Here's the thing, Jessica 31. Good luck, Em. That's like nine different directions you can go there. Well, here's the thing, Jessica. I love this question again, because like I said, we don't get a lot of these issues, not lately.

I don't know why this one seems interesting to me, because there's a lot going on here. OK, you've been together six years, and that's kind of a long time if this is your first blowup, like, out of the blue about trust and jealousy, right? Six years, things are good. And all of a the blue about trust and jealousy, right? Six years, things are good. And all of a sudden it's the sheets, right? Not a great sign, but there's two possibilities I've broken it down to. But you know, of course Anderson, I'm open to your feedback. One possibility.

He is the one who's cheating or thinking about cheating. Like we talked about earlier, and he's projecting. And I'm sorry, and he's projecting. And I'm sorry, but this is common. I hate to break the news to you. For one person who's actually up to no good to kind of call out their partner because they're feeling guilty,

either for feelings that they have about cheating or they actually have cheated. I hope this is not the case. I really hope it's not the case, Jessica, but it's worth looking into. Option two, he's kind of freaking out about taking the next step. It's kind of like how people get cold feet

before they get married. And he's creating drama to hide the bigger issue that he's fearful of moving in together. So that's what you said. You said, I'm wondering if he's trying to create an issue and I think that's what it is. And if that is the case, you can work through that together.

It's totally normal to have fear, right? Anderson, when you were getting, did you have cold feet? You still have cold feet? Just kidding. But wait, I mean, what's- No, by the time I finally, I'm a bad example, because by the time I finally, I was like homeless when my wife, my now wife and I finally moved in together.

I was like a rolling rock. I was just staying in a different place every night. Really? Didn't pay rent anywhere. I was a nomad. I loved that lifestyle. It was a fantastic lifestyle. But by the time I actually moved in with her,

I was like, I knew that it was time. You were ready, okay. But you had friends who were getting ready to get married and they were like, oh God. Absolutely, I get the cold feet. I can put myself in this guy's mindset. And also in fairness to him, that is kind of a weird move.

If I had any doubts about, even though it's been six years, but if I had any doubts or I thought maybe she was cheating before this or I had any issues, and then I saw the sheet move, that is a weird move. Okay, that's an interesting guy perspective. I could see that as well. But I don't think that I would,

if I was in a healthy, stable relationship and my partner was like, I thought they were going back to clean everything up, let's wash these sheets, but I can see what you're saying. My wife washes the sheets all the time. I do too, like every three days I don't even think twice about it Usually it's because one of the dogs puked on it and I don't even think twice about it.

Stanley doesn't puke. Yeah he does. Oh, we have three dogs in the bed. One of them almost always pukes But okay, there's a good point so that you're right. Okay, so that could be a point But she's telling him that she's not okay. I believe that she's not so regardless of the source or what happened You've got to have the conversation. You know, you sit down, time you love him, you're excited that you're in this relationship and that you're moving in together, but these accusations are hurtful and they're actually untrue.

And unless he's willing to work with you, the accusations and mistrust is not gonna get you anywhere. What about asking him like point blank too? Like, are you doing this because you're freaking out about moving? Yeah, you know, ask him, say, you know, I had a hunch and here's the other thing, you don't wanna be accusatory. You wanna be, babe, I've been thinking about this.

Like, I'm just wondering, like, how are you feeling about us moving in together? Could this be bringing it up? And he can't just shut this down. I mean, he's gotta be honest and willing to communicate. And if he wants to stay together, and you know, he's like, I wanna stay together, but I can't quite get my feelings out,

then you might need to be you might be great candidate for therapy but if he just keeps resisting and resisting and there's these roadblocks you know what you might not put the sheets back on the bed best case scenario though you guys work through this I hope so you know getting married and when you're old and gray you still have the little inside funny joke every time she every time she eats yeah Anderson that's so positive that's so glass half full I I love it. Okay.

Hi, Emily. I would love to get your thoughts on being sexually active with your spouse while separated. My wife and I have recently separated but have agreed to not see other people until we figure out if we want our marriage to continue. I feel that being- That's like the worst limbo ever. I feel that being actively intimate with each other will be fun as the day to day husband and wife thing, we've struggled with won't be a factor.

Thanks, Thomas. What? There's some, yeah. Wait, they're going from married to ex buddies? Okay, so here's my problem with this email is that it's, oh, I wanna announce this. That's what they're doing, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, here's the thing.

They're married, I don't know why they're separating. They're taking a little break. Yeah. They're moving to separate apartments. And he's excited because I'm assuming the sex has waned and they've got issues that, wow, we can date again and we can relive that honeymoon phase. Won't that be great?

And he wants to know, is that okay? That's half glass full right there. Yeah, and she's promising, they're saying, I'm not gonna sleep with other people and is it a good idea? Well, here's the thing, as long as you guys are truly working on the relationship while you're not together and you're not just having sex and falling in love again, this euphoric recall

of remembering all the great things, I think that it's okay to have physical intimacy. I think that that's totally fine. It helps you reconnect. And oftentimes when you do have space from a partner, not necessarily moving out, but you take a trip away from each other, that can build intimacy again. You can reconnect. You get the sexual desire back because, you know, oftentimes when you absence absence makes the heart grow fonder. Um, and distance in space could bring that excitement back.

But however, if you're just having sex and enjoying that new honeymoon, right? That second swing at the honeymoon, but you're not working on any of those issues. And then you get back together because the sex is so good. Same old thing. Same old thing. It's gonna be a repetition of what you happen. It's a trap, okay? So we all crave the newness,

and it's just not sustainable over time in any relationship. I'm here to tell you, after two years or so in a relationship, it's biology. You're gonna need to work on the sex. But just like, I wanna make this very, very, very, very clear if I have not. Just like trauma, issues do not go away

unless you work on them. So treat it. You gotta treat them in therapy. Clearly you guys have come to a standstill where you could not work on them. So just taking physical space and not taking that space of mentally and emotionally working on it,

it's not gonna heal it. Right. Okay, squirting. I thought that the squirting was gonna end up being the the sheets one. You did. I thought she was gonna be like yeah that's why I had to watch them cuz I masturbated that night without you and I squirted all over my sheets that's why I'm watching them. I couldn't understand why you made that connection. Yeah I thought it was gonna be two birds right there. Hamley, huge fan of you and your podcast. Also, when you're on Loveline,

I listen to your podcast every morning trying to catch up. What is Loveline? Loveline. It's a show that I do here on the radio. So my question is, how do you get my wife to be more into letting me use the magic wand on her to make her squirt? We've done it twice now,

and the second time she seemed more into it for her but her biggest problem with it is she thinks she's peeing when she orgasms. I've argued with her and show her articles that say it isn't urine but she's dead set and thinking it's full-blown urine. Thus not wanting me to use the wand to make her squirt and I love seeing her do it. Is there anything you can do to help us better understand what squirting really entails? Please help us because I know she really likes doing it, but she's afraid or embarrassed by it and thinks she's peeing.

Thanks for the help and I love the show, Bob. Okay, there's been so much focus on this squirting debate. It's like more than the presidential debate. It's so disgusting, but just have her eat some asparagus. It is not disgusting. Here's the thing. Is it pee? Is it not pee? It's like more than the presidential debate. It's so disgusting, but just have her eat some asparagus. It is not disgusting Here's the thing is it is it not pee? It's a debate Listen if it feels good to her and you've expressed how much turns you want She shouldn't be worrying about if it's be or not because you know doesn't matter

There's too much emphasis on this goddamn fluid cotton, but let me tell you you want to know what is squirting Let me break it down. Oh, no, you're gonna talk about the Bartholomew's gland and all that. Oh, no, it's so unsexual It makes something so great. So scientifically small amounts of thick fluid Sometimes are elicited secreted during the female orgasm it happens and women who squirt They're simply learning to release one set of muscles while contracting the bladder

So they can release a little bit of urine during orgasm. So when you're having sex and you have stimulation, what happens is the female ejaculate gets mixed in with the vaginal fluids and lubrication and semen and pre-ejaculatory fluid and post-ejaculate. So it's a whole mess of things. I don't want to say mess. It's a cocktail of sexual excretions. And there is significant proof that the origin of fluid

is the bladder and there is some chemical composition that is urine. There's also the periorethal glands, ducts that also have some fluid in there, that is not urine, okay? So bottom line again, if she likes it and it feels good and you like it, what is the big friggin deal if it's urine or not? But if she does not want to squirt for whatever reason, you cannot pressure her and make her do it because she won't want to do it. She won't want to come

around. Um, no woman on this planet likes being pressured into a sexual act and then it's going to lead to other things, other issues, other problems. Sex is messy people. Sex is messy, but it's also beautiful. So just get over it. I hate this debate. No, but I understand the debate. And also here's the other thing. Like I would say squirting is the new anal, but I need a new fucking thing for squirting because when I first started the show, anal was the new blow job. But squ squirting with porn people see it all the time they want to the Barnett squirt every lot of men do so that's the thing I'm getting the questions I'm answering it I love you and pegging pegging is the new squirting

maybe when a man gets anally penetrated yeah you love that so much I see in your eye I've never can I be honest I I'm gonna be honest. You're not very sexually What's that tris? Haven't really done much. I've never pegged a man. I've never worn a strap-on and pegged a man You haven't lived till you have and I have every day is the waste of your life. I'm so busy I have no time for pegging no time for begging. It's on my schedule put on my schedule No time for pegging. No time for pegging. It's on my schedule.

Put it on my schedule. So that's what we get time for. But this is what I want to say, Anderson, you know how y'all write me feedback at sexwithemily.com? Super easy now. If you go to the Ask Emily page on our site, you can easily just send it right there through the site. You just go to Ask Emily, boom,

your email gets right sent to our inbox. Also, it's really helpful, again, when you subscribe, but also when you review us on iTunes and you give us a start. Oh, the reviews are beautiful. Makes Sam feel good about herself. Yeah, but it also helps so I can keep doing the show. My goal is to do the show. I'd love to do it every day. I used to. I don't know why you wouldn't. You kind of do it in your head, right? Every single day.

Always Emily. Taking notes, doing things. It is my life and I love it every 10 plus years. Okay Anderson, thank you so much. Thank you. And thanks everyone for listening. -♪ MUSIC PLAYING. -♪ That's it for today's episode. Thank you so much for listening to Sex with Emily.

And if you love this show, please like, subscribe and leave a review wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, share this with a friend or a partner. It might just spark something. It usually does. You can find me on Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, Facebook, and Accents all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at SexWithEmily.com for free guides and articles and more ways to prioritize your pleasure. And if you question about sex, dating, relationships, any of it, leave a message at sexwithemily.com slash ask. And hey, was it good for you? Email me at feedback at sexwithemily.com. I would love to hear what you think.

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