Sex With Emily - Relationship Repair & Self Care

Episode Date: October 9, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about the importance of self care & why we must put ourselves first instead of the ones around us. Plus, she’s answering your sex related questions. She discusses why it’s so hard to develop new & healthier habits for ourselves, what to do when you feel “off” after masturbating but not after sex, & how to properly exercise your dating muscles. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm talking about the importance of self-care, and why it is so important to put ourselves first. Instead of everyone else around us, plus I'm answering your questions, topics include. White is so hard to develop new and healthier habits for ourselves like masturbating or talking openly about sex with our partners. What did you do when you just feel off after masturbating, but not after you're ejaculate? How to properly exercise your dating muscle and not make getting back into the game such a big deal

You guys there are dating muscles. I can help you. Are you expecting a lot from a sex? I mean think about it guys things can be so much better in person so maybe get off your phone and meet that person IRL in real life all this and more thanks for listening Look into his eyes All this and more, thanks for listening. Here you just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got everything. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com, our website. You will love it.

You can also find me on Series Sex M radio. It is stars channel 109 and oh my god, you guys. It's amazing. I'm there Monday through Friday, 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific, and it's been just amazing to reach so many more of you. If you want a 30-day free trial, you can go to sexwithamily.com slash SXM. Or just call in. Talk to me.

Triple 8, 947, 8277, you can find me and also social media at act sex with Emily Cross the board. We're also doing a giveaway. It's a loob giveaway. You know, I love you. You guys go to the Instagram post that you'll find with the Muse Loob on it. It's Muse and it's flavored and then you tag three friends and then you email us feedback at sexwithemily.com and just let me know how has Loop changed your life.

Also you guys get a new lemon edition, SWE Crave Vesper. It's that sexy and vibrator necklace. It comes in three colors. You can get three phrases that are special phrases that are sex-themily-limit addition. You can also check this out on our site, sexwithemily.com slash recipe. V-E-S-P-E-R. Happy International Self-Care Day.

So that's a thing. And some of these days, I think, okay, right, we need a national spaghetti day or a national donut's day or all these weird things, right? There's always these days, but I'm like, I could get my head around self-care day. And even though that's been something that's sort of like a funny meme now or like a hashtag self-care, like self-love, it's all, you know, we kind of joke about it, but the truth is it's actually really really important.

It's so important, you guys, to take time for ourselves and to do one thing. Maybe it's one thing a week or a day, even if it's five minutes away from all the busyness of life. And I was thinking about it though, because, well, the whole purpose of the day aims to raise public awareness of the importance of self-care, stay healthy, prevent or delay illness, and many of us in the workplace are home. We've made a habit of putting others before ourselves. God, we made a habit. I mean, coming from like a people pleaser and someone who hears on the radio overnight,

helping people, I have a lot of joy, helping people. And I know that I know this, there's a lot of people this way, a lot of women, moms, are we put our families first, we do a lot for everyone else. And it just feels almost like painful or wrong or guilt if we do something like I can't get a massage or I can't get my nails done. It just seems selfish when my kids need me or I haven't weeded the garden yet. We have so many excuses that we throw up in the

airport taking care of ourselves. I've had to make a practice out of it, but sometimes I was still a moment where like I shouldn't be working out now or I shouldn't be doing these things, but I realize why it is a foundation of my life. And I've actually made it in such an important part is because I feel better. I actually like when I work out, I feel better. When I meditate, I feel better. And what I realize though, is that when I would also see my friends, making time for friends, I feel like I feel filled up. These are all things like I've had to find the things that bring me this kind of, let's, uh, joy.

You've incorporated a balance in your life, which is not easy to obtain or to even accomplish. You know, the proper balance, and I feel like everyone's always trying to find that balance. Oh, I wouldn't say I balanced though. I think you have balance. Okay, but thank you. I'm gonna get to the next point,

but it's always a struggle. I do these things because they're important. It always becomes like, if I don't work out, I know that I'm happy or if I take my supplements or whatever I do with friends, I feel better. But then I was thinking about why is it so hard for us to adopt new habits? Like why? Like something that takes like eight minutes a day, right? Like, like meditation or or breathing or calling a friend, we just don't do it. And I was like, Google and I was like, what, what do all the researchers say? And it turns out, which is make so much sense that first of all, it's

so important for us to slow down and do self care because then we can actually process emotions and feel things. It's important us for us to experience feelings of like vulnerability without shame. Vulnerability is a big buzzword to these days. So we built the, I didn't even really understand what it meant years ago when I first heard about being vulnerable. I'm like, I'm tough. Like vulnerable is'm like I'm tough like vulnerable as a weakness And really like and mindfulness experts are like if we just take 10 minutes a day But I think it's so hard to do because we have this really interesting relationship to time We are like I don't have time listen to my life

I will tell you everything that I have going on and there is just no time for me to do it and And I feel like that we are caught up in this very like busyness culture. And I think it's definitely an American thing, or like Western culture, that if we slow down, we're going to get steamed roll right over us and we're not going to have success. And we're not, we don't feel like, like no one else is slowing down around us, no one else is doing it. And you go to like, you travel to Europe for the summer, you go other places,

like they get weeks of vacation. Yeah. They take naps. Yes, it does. We don't do any of that. None in America. So this is this quote that I thought about in this piece that I found that made me, this maybe explained a lot to me about self-care.

The great angst, or angst, I'm very like I say it, of modern life is this, no matter how hard we try, no matter how successful we are, no matter how good a parent, worker or spouse we are, it's never enough. Those are we someone richer, thinner, smarter, or more powerful than we are. Someone who makes us feel like a failure in comparison. I think we can all relate a little bit to that. Yeah, that one's a little hard to swallow for example. who makes us feel like a failure in comparison. I think we can all relate a little bit to that. Yeah, that one's a little hard to follow for a second. I know, right? But it's true, we do that.

That's we hear this all on social media. I was gonna add there is, so it has more followers than we do, as more listeners than we do. So the real thing about self-care, and then I am going to get back here, because I think I have some killer ways that you guys can actually do it today, and you're gonna be like, oh yeah, that feels better,

is that the real thing about genuine self care is about accepting ourselves. And all of our imperfections and knowing that we don't have to be perfect. And how do we say so when you just said to me, I'm balanced. I'm like, no, I'm not. It's because I'd love to work out every day.

It's not every day, Michelle. It's maybe three to four days today. I was going to, I didn't. I caught myself in a moment. Be compassionate. I've done three hours four days today. I was going to, I didn't. I caught myself in a moment. Be compassionate. I've done three hours of interviews today. I've got a lot going on. My life was great, but it's like, we so go to what is wrong.

And that is where our brains default towards that wiring because we were roommates that were looking, you know, happy. It dates back to the ancestors. Yeah, exactly. So just thinking that self care is recognizing and accepting that none of us are perfect and that we're all doing the goddamn best we can.

So to me, that's like part of self care and self love. You can take a moment right now wherever you're listening and just be like, name three things that you're happy for yourself about that you did today, that you accomplished today or in the last week or things that you just appreciate and about yourself, things that you're grateful for is a great step. Yeah. Acceptance. Yeah, it's acceptance. Yeah, there's triumphant trying. Triumphant trying, it's true.

Now let me tell you this. How else I do it is I like to masturbate and meditate, manifest and masturbate. Even if you do one of those a day, I'm telling you you're gonna feel good. So I think that one of the best things that I've incorporated, and in the last few years I've done more or so is massage. I try to get one like at least once a month.

And for me, like you can find places, it's not all. And I used to think up until very recently that a massage was like some kind of pampering, you go to a spot, like it just seemed kind of frivolous. But now I realize, no, it's actually like, you are re-store so much bullshit in our bodies. Oh my gosh. Attention and memories and stress that when you actually

have someone who's like hammering it out of you, it's actually, there's health benefits to it. So get a massage or give a massage. Now, okay, we often talk about the magic one on the show, which is like the Cadillac of all vibrators. It's amazing, but initially it was a massageer. It's been around for 50 years. So it also actually works as a massager. So not just an amazing stimulator for your clitoris or other body parts. But give your partner a massage tonight. If you have one gown, give each other a massage. It could be using the magic wand. It could just be using your hands. And I think that that incorporating that maybe using some of the Wumar Play coconut oil massage. we love all of that.

That's a really good one, because it lasts a very long time and it doesn't leave you sticky or anything like that. It's really good. I can moisturize it into your skin. Yes. It feels really, really good. I also think, God, I can just go off on toys now.

Oh, here's the other thing. Okay, I'm just going off things that have come up in the last few days. I have several friends of mine who have called me about paramanopause. So these are women who are between 40 and 50 and they're all having various symptoms. One of them, hot sweats during the day, one of them like night sweats, another one's like, what do I do about this, and maybe three friends ask me about the like, they're like night sweats another ones like what do I do about the sneezing peeing and maybe three friends Ask me about the like they're like I can't work out because this just happens you guys after you've kids Are you just get older your pelvic floor is going to drop and you're going to sneeze and you're gonna pee you can't jump on a

Trampoline well do yourself a favor and I think yeah, you can do kegels all you want But there's this amazing innovation. I don't think we've talked about enough on here because it's called the BTL Amcella. It's like the kegel throne, they call it. It isn't chair that you sit on, that uses gentle electromagnetic stimulation to do 11,000 kegels in 20 minutes. That's incredible. And I've done it, and you can do it twice a week

for 20 minutes, you sit on a chair in your doctor's office with your clothes on, and you will no longer be sneezing in pain. And you'll have stronger orgasms, you'll have malibrication, it's really fucking cool. That to me, I felt different after. Absolutely. I was so easy, I just sat there and hung out right

in a magazine, you know. I feel like that's honestly a woman of all ages though, because when I was younger, I remember my friends would make me laugh so hard. Like I'd be. Yeah, you're right. So it could really do. Well, it is for women of all ages though, because when I was younger, I remember my friends would make me laugh so hard. Like I'd be. Yeah, you're right. So it could really do. Well, it is for women of all ages.

I wish I knew about this when I was younger. Well, it is. There's women of all ages who are having problems with also a continents or with lubrication or with orgasm and helps with all of those things. Because it can be hard to incorporate some of these things. But if you like right now, you're like, I'm going to make an appointment for a massage

or check out that chair, do it, right? So I have a question. So you said all these like, thinking of yourself and implementing these things into my life are going to make me feel good. But how might I be feeling now? Verse, when I start implementing these into my life, like, is it going to relieve stress? Like what does that feel good? I mean good mean? That's a very good question. So I think for many of us, if we are constantly feeling like we don't have time to process what does have, okay, so I can tell you for example, I use, and I still happens, but I go from meeting to meeting from day to day, and then I wake up the next morning, and I have no time to process anything. I don't have time to think anymore.

I don't have time to think to read to. And when I find one, I take these moments or I take these times, it is just a, you can feel it is a visceral throughout my entire body reaction where I feel, I have ideas, I feel calmer, I feel like, feel clearer. And I feel like it's, the reason why it's so important is because it takes you out of your busyness

and I think we're also busy so I think you will feel calm when you'll feel better and I think you could like even remember how you're feeling in that moment when you leave there and like when you're leaving the massage place you're leaving whatever you're doing making appointment for next time. And I think a lot of people are so busy because they they're afraid to slow down and have to feel emotions and stuff. And so I think that for some people, it might be really scary.

So like I like being busy. I like having a lot to do. When I slow down, that is just death for me. And I've been in that place, and I think I still sometimes live in that place, but I definitely in my 20s, I did not stop at all. But I know that it's, eventually it catches up with you. Like eventually you're gonna have to feel things.

Like eventually there's gonna be a breakdown. Eventually something's gonna hurt. You're gonna hurt yourself. You're gonna work out too hard. You're gonna eat too much. You're gonna do something that's gonna be like your body's gonna be like, no, I need to slow down. So the sooner you start working that in,

I mean, there's these apps now for like meditation, like simple habit. You could do it for five minutes a day and just breathe. Like it doesn't have to be a whole friggin' thing. Yeah, do you think that the things we wanna change, the things we wanna improve on ourselves, do you think we hype it up too much? Should we make it too far out of reach for ourselves

that maybe we're not worthy enough of that change? We were not capable of creating this balance, this inner piece, this new, better version of yourself that may not even, you know, apply to, you know, this person that you are now, the people surrounding you, you know, you're going to drop friends or lose friends and you know, you're scared of doing that, losing people in your life. I think we're afraid of change too. I think we're maybe afraid of choosing ourselves over others.

And that's where I started saying that a lot of us are pleasers. And we're like, are we caretakers? And we think, well, I can't possibly stop and do something for myself when everybody needs me. But everybody's going to always need you. Like that doesn't see what you realize is like, especially if you're like a busy mom, for example, your kids are always going to need you. Your parents are going to need you. Your partner's going to need you, but you are a better, everything, a better mom, a better spouse,

a better friend when you do take that time. And the friends who can't handle it, they leave it, you think they're gonna change, or if you start calming down, they're not your people. You can probably serve them better, right? By taking that time for yourself and being in that better state of mind. Absolutely.

That's what happens with it all. All right, guys. So self-care, happy self-care day. Master-wations always a great thing too. You know about that. Do you like to journal M or go on walks like what? What things do you do? I go walking is great, you guys.

Well, there's something they say about changing your state, right? I remember I first learned this like Tony Robbins. Change your state. So whenever you're somewhere you're feeling stressed or anxious or you just haven't moved around in a while, literally change the location you're at, like move your body. Even if you just get outside and walk around the block, I think we all know this, but we don't actually do it.

I'm telling you, if you find yourself stuck, get up right now and walk outside the house. It is summer wherever you're listening as you could probably walk around the block and you will have a different state of mind. If you're listening to this and you're depressed and you're sad or you're on the couch and you're feeling bad, do 10 jumping jacks. I'm telling you, when you change and you move, it will,

it will, your entire perspective changes. So yeah, I go for walks, I write my journal, I meditate, I breathe, I, I just sometimes leave my house. And it's so funny because then you, you do it and you're like, this was so simple. Like why did I do this 20 minutes ago when I was just sitting on the couch beating myself up? Yeah, I think it's so many excuses. Yeah. And it's different. So maybe if you just said you're going to do it once a week now or maybe you have like an accountability body about, I don't know, I do this with my friends too. I'm like, have you done this yet? Did you make your appointment this week? When I got my best friends, we talked every morning and I always say to her, I'm like, have you, did you get a baby serious?

Did you do these things? Because we forget to take care of ourselves. And we congratulate each other. And I just read something about this, get an accountability buddy. If you want to accomplish something, let me read this to you. I thought this was so fucking smart.

If you want to accomplish something, get an accountability buddy. Take out a thousand dollars in cash. Give it to someone who will hold you accountable for 10 weeks Each weekly goal you accomplish you get a hundred back and if you don't your accountability buddy keeps a hundred dollars Like that's enough money that you're like because you guys we all have the same amount of time if you if Everything you know expands to fill time if you've got a project and they tell you it's gonna be a week, you're gonna take a week to do it.

If you've got three months, it's gonna take three months to do it. So setting goals and having someone who's accountability for me, that's helped so much. Just having somebody who I check in with, Kristen, my sister, and Chuck's in with me. I like that. I like that. I like that.

Do that stuff. Our guys, we'll take a quick break and we come back. I'm gonna get into your questions. We have Ken, 31 in California. He wants to know why he feels physically off after masturbation, but not after sex. Oh, hey Ken, great question. Tell me more. Thanks for calling. Hey, thanks so much. Yeah, finished a lot of I thank you everything. So yeah, I don't really know. I mean, I suspect that there's probably, you know, some element of therapy that I'm going to be, you know, starting for multiple things, but how it affects my sex life. But I'm also wondering if there's some sort of physical component to it as well. Well, Tommy, what happens? You feel physically off after you masturbate, but not after sex.

So, Tommy, what you feel like? Yeah. Well, that's why it's weird to me because you think that, like, general is the same thing is happening, but yeah, so if I'm masturbating, you know, I will feel both, yeah, I just feel drained in all the sense of the words, emotionally and physically, fatigue, depression is very something I deal with anyway, but then it's like extra onset of that. And then, yeah, and then I just feel like, you know, just the loss of, I guess, vitality in a general sense. Right. Yeah, but it's all tied up in this very negative experience, and it's becoming increasingly more frustrated.

Okay. When did the start, so when did the start during masturbation? I don't know. I think it probably started in my mid 20s. Like I'm early, I'm the 31 now. Okay. And did something happen like, does there any guilt? Are you feeling shame after you masturbate? Are you watching porn that maybe doesn't feel that great?

Yeah, I mean, sometimes, you know, watch porn and yeah, you know, I don't know the guilt yeah I do feel feelings of guilt I don't know I don't know where where what ties into what okay what's the guilt well I don't know see that's the thing I don't I don't feel like a logical like I can't I don't have like a logical right component to why I feel guilty but I feel all of the emotional overwhelming Twitter chemicals that I would feel if I was guilty about doing something. That's why I'm wondering if it's tied into early stuff that I'm doing.

It might be. I mean, usually it is early stuff. Was there any early trauma in your life? Did anyone ever walk in? Yeah, there was some stuff with a neighborhood kid that, you know, like would do, you know, different sexual things with me. And then it was, you know, confusing because it was older and stronger. And like would like hit me sometimes and stuff and And then I and I Like that stuff weirdly enough when I was a kid. It didn't even bother me

Even you know because you're in fear and you're young you don't make sense of it You don't have to make sense of it when you're Yeah, it's a violation. Yeah, one day it all stopped and If I talked about anything about it, like, I would, you know, hit me or we'd just, or it just what it was like stone cold. And then then I, and then, and then I was like, go, started going to church and then I started feeling terrible about everything. Yeah, because in Seattle. Okay. Yeah, Ken. I feel like I've gotten gotten past that part of it. No.

On the surface. And the surface you have, but Ken, first of all, let me just say that you sound really, you sound really evolved and really self-aware and you're articulating this so well. So, so that's, that's, that's really great. I mean, I'm telling you. And what you're saying is like, yeah, like it happened and then it didn't feel that weird after, but who knows you were a kid. So maybe you felt like even though it was weird that he was doing stuff sexually, you're like, well, why did he stop? Am I not lovable? I didn't want this sex act. It just confusing when something just changes like that. And that was your first or release, you

know, experiences with another person sexually, which was a violation, and which is actually illegal and doesn't feel great, and you couldn't tell anyone. And then you've the church and you grew up in a religious environment where that also felt wrong. So it sounds like you've had a lot of confusing messages around sex. So when you're alone with your thoughts, I mean, and just know it's common, there's a lot of men who feel like a lot of guilt after they master, a lot of shame after masturbation. And so it sounds like it's all tangled in a lot of different messages that you get to

rewrite now your story because sometimes these things that we heard in childhood or from religion just no longer serve us. So I would recommend Ken some therapy for you. I know it's easy to think well, it's been so long and it's gone now, but it's actually going to persist, especially when there's sexual trauma, even though it didn't feel about at the time I'm telling you it's some kind of trauma, it's some kind of neuro pathway has got wired along this trauma that it's really hard to get yourself back on track. And I would recommend EMDR therapy.

Yeah, I'm a little familiar with that. Yeah. I think it's the best stuff for trauma. And I would go and you don't have to go for life. And I feel like talking about this experience is also gonna bring up a lot more for you. Like, maybe you didn't feel safe. Where were your parents? You know, like, like, that's the thing about you.

It brings up a lot of things. And I feel like that was a really key moment in your life, especially as a young man for that to be violated like that. Maybe there's some anger. You know what I'm saying that comes up to you? So of course, actually having sex is gonna trigger that. So it's a lot bigger than you think. Yeah, yeah. But it sex is going to trigger that. So it's a lot bigger than you think. But it's also is the good news is that it's bigger than you think.

So yeah, you think you're past it, you're not, but also it can be handled in a way that's super healthy and you're going to get some really great insights and therapy that's going to set you on a great track for your lifetime. Because you're only 31. So people will never deal with this stuff, okay? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm sorry to tell you, but it is up. I'll do one other. Yes, you can. One follow-up thing to this in tandem, which is just that, like, I'm going to take that advice and I'm going to run with it and go to therapy and try to tackle it from that end. and try to, you know, tackle it from that end, but from another end, you know, I'm, it's

like, feels a little weird to say it, you know, it serves, but, you know, like, when I, when I do orgasm, then I tend to come a lot. And I've always wondered if that had placed some physiological component to time you come a lot when you masturbate how often do you masturbate about every couple days yeah I mean I mean you're part or have sex a few days apart you know yeah I don't think that I mean I don't think that there's a it's really just about the build up to of it if you haven't jacked lady in a while so no I don't think there's anything I mean listen definitely don't think that there's a, it's really just about the build up to of it. If you haven't ejaculated in a while, so no, I don't think there's anything. I mean, listen, definitely get checked out by your doctor.

There could actually be, sure, there could be something where it's draining you and you're having more exhaustion. I would go see your doctor, your neurologist, and definitely get checked out. I always think it's a great idea. White, white speaking, you're more tired. So I think honestly, here's the thing.

It's a multi-layer approach. When I tell them, we'll go to therapy, I also think you gotta get go to a doctor. So why don't you do both? Do you have a good doctor? You trust and you feel safe with it? You can talk to about these things. And then, and then let me know how it goes. But just those would be two things to appointment with your doctor and appointment with a therapist. Okay? Can we post it? Thank you, Ken. So appreciate it. Thanks for calling. We're here to help. We have a Madison who's 30 from California. She hasn't dated in two years and needs help on how to get back in the game.

All right. Hey, Madison. Thanks for calling. Hi. Hi. Thank you for taking my call. I appreciate it. Of course.

Of course. Okay. So, tell me what's been going on. Have you purposely been out of the game or the dating game? Yeah. I think, yeah, it's really bizarre. I don't know what is going on, but the thought of just dating right now really is really intimidating.

And I also see almost like a no point in it, which I know is not healthy. And I am 30, and I have to start taking time clocking my mind, but it just seems so overwhelming and hard. And I don't know how to overcome that. Yeah, I understand this way. So Madison, tell me this. Did you get out of a relationship two years ago? Like what's your history, your dating history like? mystery like. So I have had one serious relationship in my you know adult wife. I that was that and that was fine and then I dated around and you know dated someone who

I thought I was absolutely and factually with and love and everything in terms out he was dating someone else. That's the same time. That's what that probably hurt, okay. Yeah, it was very painful. It was an odd feeling. Yeah, and I saw him, like I saw him with her, and it was just like this mind-blowing realization that who have I been with this past, you know, year and a half? Wow. And then I got in a relationship with my neighbor and realized after I moved, I moved just down the street that he started dating the girl across the hall from me. And it just been like so many slaps in the face. And I think it's kind of set me into a very odd comfort zone

that I don't want to step out of. Right, right, Madison. Right. You have to, right. You have to, but you have to just, not even just because you need to find the one in your clock sticking, but just because it's a fear now, you've created a story and things happen and it can't be trusted. And so now the more time that goes on, the more, you know, fearful, you know, but you're going to be about it. So I, I can also understand the stories that you're telling yourself, oh, men are gonna cheat and it's not safe and all that.

So I would say the best thing to do is first of all, I wouldn't force yourself. It's like you're dating or you're not dating, like I'm making it so black and white, but what I would do, it was I would start to just get curious. When you do go out a lot, like are you a social person? Is your life do you go out with friends, or what do you do on the weekends or after work?

You know, I just relocated back to my hometown, which is funny that you, I mean, I relocated in December. Okay, that's fine. Oh, because I said don't go back to your town. If it's where you grew up, I understand. If it's where you grew up, I understand. People move back to their families. But I just, yeah.

I have, yeah, I have a lot of, I'm a very social person. But being in this smaller town now, a lot of my friends are married and they have kids who are their pride net. And so all my friends are now on the coast, which is about two hours away. So I go there maybe once or twice a month. Okay. And then to just do a little getaway.

Right. That's my social life. Well, okay. It could be harder too. I know, like if I moved back to Michigan and my third by a year age, everyone was married and with like having kids and stuff, I got it. That could be, so you could stay there for a while? I believe so, yeah. I think that this is where I'm going to be for quite some time. Have you online data before? I tried Tinder and that was like five years ago when Tinder came out.

It was just like all of it was so awkward for me. It is awkward. It can be awkward, but here's the thing. We're going to talk about this coming up in the next hour. Is it actually dating online is the number one way people meet people now. Beyond your friends introducing like number one in 95, it was 0% and now it's 40%. So we can give you, I can give you some tips for that as well, but I feel like I just want you because what I was asking you about your social life is because I want you to practice going out,

I'm just talking to people, talking to guys, whether you're attracted to them or not, but just having conversations and taking the fear out because even if you make some good new friends in town, they might have friends. Because it sounds like a lot of this is in your head and I want you just to feel without the desperation of is this the one or this not the one, start feeling this attraction or just this interest

and this excitement again about just meeting people. And like knowing that yeah, I mean, and I feel like you're older now, so the thing about online dating is you could actually make it your, you could start to just like talk, you could start to talk to people like, right, if you make a date, you could be various, you know, I love to FaceTime before you go on a date or talk on the phone first. But, but start to, you could just meet a lot more people that way. And I think being honest about what you're looking for and what you've learned is really important. And just like, I don't think those things

are going to happen to you again, but I feel like you could do lunches. You know, you can make a great friend out of it. So I feel like baby steps getting out there, but there's literally your young, you know, don't, you know, I feel like if you get rejected or things blow, you have like, that happens with online dating But I'm telling you the more we date the better dating we become and since you've been out of the game Go on a bunch of lunch dates like who cares like they say you should accept every job interview Just like go out and practice and like do your thing and like just get those muscles going again because dating is a muscle So practice talking practice being social you're in a town, and then you'll be able to,

I think you're gonna get more comfortable that way. And if not Madison, I'm here every night to help you. So those are my first assignments to you, okay? And then we can get into other stuff once you meet someone. Thanks, Madison. Thanks for calling. So this came from an Andy, 32 in Michigan. Good afternoon, Emily. Also very formal intro, which I like.

Good afternoon. Good afternoon, sir Andy. First I'd like to thank you for the work that you do and how your podcast is inspiring to listen to. Anyways, the other day I was turned onto a concept about unmet expectations and how it's the silent relationship killer that leaves couples longing for what they are not receiving from their partner. I wanted to get your viewpoint on this as this concept can easily be manifested into someone's

personal life, personal career, sex life, etc. I can say that for my own perspective, I've felt felt down a few times where my wife and I have been sexing throughout the day negotiating what we want, yet it doesn't play out like I had expected. My personal expectations, which were not met, it doesn't mean that anything was bad, it was just a weird feeling of being let down because I wanted something either more or different. I compare it to a girl that is hoping her boyfriend will propose marriage when they go out to dinner.

She gets her hopes up yet he doesn't propose and it turns out just to be a regular dinner for two. Now she feels let down, even though nothing negative happened. Thanks for taking the time to read this and hope expectations joke to hear from you. Uh-oh, we don't answer all the emails, Andy, but we are answering yours. So thank you for your email. And okay, the reason why I like this a lot is because it is true,

you guys. I mean, the thing about expectations is a huge thing in relationships. We don't often pinpoint it. We're like, well, often we talk about resentments or we talk about, you know, you're not on the same page, but a lot of times it's these silent expectations that we have, that we expect things from our partner. And we just think because it's our values usually, or it's what in our mind, we might even think we communicate it to a partner we want and then we get let down and then these resentments build and build. So I think what it made me relate to, I was thinking about it though, I was like, unmet an expectation.

So I think it's more like it's unrealistic expectations instead of unmet because I think that is the silent killer is that they're unrealistic. So we often, here's one way I can explain this to you and then we'll go back to his email. It's your email, Andy, is that like, we might often expect in a relationship that someone's going to change.

We have the expectation that we made up on our head. Well, once we get married, he can't, I hear this all the time. Once we get married, he won't want to go out with his friends as much. Once we get married, he's gonna get way less busy. Well, once we have kids, he certainly can't be smoking and parting all the time.

Once we get married, she'll continue to like, you know, give sex just as often as we did now or she'll continue to keep the same job as she has and all these things that we never talk about before we walk down the aisle. So really, that just leads me to like, makes me believe that we just, that no, first of all, no one's going to change unless they want to change. It is so true, you guys, that if you're, and I think that a lot of people, I mean, I'd

love to call in right now, if you, you're calling right now if you're thinking this because this, when I first learn this, it totally caught me off guard because I sort of had an expectation that people do change when you're with them and that people say they're going to change or they want to change once or twice that they will, but they don't. It takes a lot to change. And then I, once I kind of this locked in, I realize that people are the way they are, and that if you're gonna get together with someone, you're gonna marry someone, you're gonna commit to them,

you have to fully accept them as they are right now. What if they never change? In fact, what if they like become more of what they are that you don't love about them? Like if they're a drinker right now, they start to drink more. Yeah. They're messy now, they get messier.

In fact, people become more of what they are as life goes on as we get older. You get more set in your ways. And so once I realize that and I realize how hard it is for people to change, I was like, oh, I never have that expectation. Like this is exactly who this person is. Either I can change my behavior and see if that affects them or I accept them. But there's no way people change unless they decide you're right. I want to change. I want to're right. I want to change. I want to stop drinking. I want to work harder or whatever their thing is. So to me, these unmet expectations that he's talking about, Andy, in your relationship,

for example, okay, so you're saying you felt left down because you were sexting throughout the day and negotiating what we want, what you wanted. Now here's the thing. You were sexting her in the middle of the day. Maybe she was at work, maybe she was in the middle so I was like, yeah, babe, I'll sext you right now, but when I get home from work, I've got laundry to do. I'm really busy.

And maybe in her mind, the sexting wasn't an expectation that it would actually happen that night. She might even said, yeah, babe, later we'll do it, thinking that it was playing around with role-playing herself. Yeah, just playful. But then, you got disappointed, that babe later will do it, thinking that it was playing around with role playing or so. Yeah, just playful. But then, you got disappointed and then that built up as an on met expectation, whereas how to resolve this is to say, the next day, literally, the next day say, you know what,

we were texting yesterday. I was getting really turned on and I was thinking when you came home, I had the expectation that we'd actually do those things in bed and it felt like a let down And I want to let you know how I feel how that made me feel So what are your thoughts on that and she could be like You know you know and can never argue with your feeling so she could say oh, I'm sorry you felt that way But I had no intention of it. You knew when I got home my favorite TV show is on or whatever Yeah, the sooner we can like,

I think expectations are dangerous. They're like unvoiced, they're unvoiced, like they're unreal, they can be very unrealistic because if we are not living in reality, which a lot of us are not, if we're living in like Lala land

and we're like people say it or everyone has my values, I expect that you treat a lady this way and I expect that you do this, then it's just, you're gonna be let down over and over and over again. So how you can really kind of figure this out is by just observing what's actually going on and then having conversations about it

and then your values and then not having crazy expectations because expectations turn into resentments on mat expectations. And then you just are angry and then you don't talk. So I think it could be a silent killer, but it's more that they're unrealistic than unmet. I completely agree. I used to have certain expectations for things

in relationships even just like anywhere, like from my family, from friends, and I realize I'm like, they are not me. I cannot meet my own self out in the world. I mean, maybe, but I'm not going to. So I can't. Like, for example, I just, I just like when people, you know, if I ask a question or I, you know, we are meeting up or something that someone is supposed to,

at least check that, like, recheck in, this is gonna happen, those kinds of things. And a lot of people don't always check in with you. Or, you need clarification. I never actually think a plan is real until it's clarified, whereas I have a friend who, if something's a maybe, she thinks it's is real until it's clarified. Whereas I have a friend who, if something's a maybe, she thinks it's actually happening and it's going.

And so her expectation is like, yes, that's happening. And I'm not meeting her. It's because I'm like, no, we didn't confirm this. This was a maybe. I even said maybe. And we never talked about it. And then the day happens, we were supposed to meet up or something.

And I was like, maybe we can meet up that day. And we never clarified. Say it was a Tuesday. We talked about this. We were supposed to be on Friday. And then on Friday, she's hitting me up, she's like, yeah, we have this plan. I'm like, no, we never clarified this. This was a maybe the maybe it was never turned into a yes. Right. I totally get it. And then would you like, so that would be now in her in your relationship with her as a friend. Now, when you make plans, it'd be very, you know, very specific. I'm sorry that my maybe meant a yes. We're also different coming into relationships this way. So and I also think yeah in relationships. I think

I'm kind of think I don't have a ton of expectations But has someone have you ever like someone ever had expectations of you maybe that you think people thought that I think that I would do a Period of time where a lot of the men I dated Expected that I would change. Like, you won't be working as hardworn together or eventually you're going to want a serious relationship with me and I often, you know, I really wouldn't change. So I think that was more a lot of men than I dated had an idea of what they wanted to me.

Like, if only I could just have her make more of a commitment to me. If only Emily would stop working as much, but she would see me more often, then we'll be together. And it was like, no, I was never going to fit into that mold of what you wanted. So yeah, I think it was really common. So.

I have a question about expectations, having expectations versus no expectations. Because I know that when you don't have expectations, things are going to satisfy you more, because you're not expecting it. But if you're not expecting anything from somebody, does it, it can kind of translate to not believe in somebody or like their qualities or like what they can do. Yeah.

No, that's a really good point. I mean, I think you want to have realistic expectations, not like, like an expectations based on like things that you've discussed. So if someone says to you You know Michelle sorry night. I'm gonna take you out on this day and I planned I planned I want to pick you up and we're going to this beautiful restaurant And I've got your favorite food and they told you all these things were gonna happen. It's okay to expect that you're probably You're gonna have a lovely evening with this person. Yeah, it's pretty logical pretty logical. Yeah, I expect it I can expect that I expect that I have a great night with this person. It's pretty logical. Pretty logical. Yeah. I expect it.

I can expect it. I expect it. I have a great night. Now, you might not. It could rain. It could be late. Something could happen. Maybe the restaurant shut down.

Who knows? Right. But it's the ones that are the silent expectations and the assumptions. It's like we're assuming. Well, he asked me out in a very night. I'm assuming it's going to be a wonderful date because our last date was fantastic.

Right. You know, we built all these stories and you know, when we assume, you know, we make it ask out of you and me. So I think it's these silent assumptions that we do, that we turn into expectations that we never shared with our partners. Is there a way to like explain like, I don't even know how the conversation would go, maybe, in the beginning of the relationship. Yeah.

Oh, it's kind of like subconscious. I think it is. It's somewhat, and it maybe has to subconscious. I think it is. Some what? And it maybe has to do with how you were raised. A lot of it has to do with how we were raised and what our values are. Like, you know, men always pay on the date or women take, like there's all the second,

like women take forever to get ready. Or women are always late. Oh, women compete with each other. And these are like people's, I don't know, people just have these expectations of these values and they put them upon you. And they're not always true. I don't know. I feel have these expectations of these values and they put them upon you and they're not always true. Oh.

I don't know, I feel like for me, my men and my expectations are very high, just like the same they are if you were going to a fine dining restaurant, like you expect your dishes to be clean and, you know, people to be attentive. And it's like for me, I would the best of the best. But I also, I'm probably like that because I am very good at achieving expectations for people. And so then I'm like reflecting that on them. So like, how can I not do that? I mean, well, I think first of all, is noticing it is the very first step. So it's like you're expecting them to know that you want them to be clear. You see here all the people calling in,

should I shave, should I not shave, should I clean, should I pay for the bill, men have a lot of questions. So in your mind, these expectations that, that they should be all these things because you're all these things and because that's what you want so badly, it might not totally be based in reality. So I think once you go out with someone kind of

suspending expectations and being present and you might be surprised at the things that you think are so important, all these expectations, you're like, ah, so he didn't shave or whatever your biggest one is, I think it's more like letting some of that stuff go because no one's ever going to meet all of our expectations. It's never going to be all the things that you want. I think it's a practice. But I think that could also be keeping you from getting what you want and also dismissing people that could be great for you because they just didn't know.

Like, this is a conversation we had last night at dinner. I was at a, this is totally not related to dating, but I was at a friend's dinner party and there was a woman there and she's a mom and her kid brought, she had 23, her kid's like 23 and brought home a 23 year old girl fun to live with them for a few weeks. And she said, I can't believe it. My son had to keep making the bed and had to keep cooking because this girlfriend he brought home didn't make her bed. And it's so rude to being a guest home and doesn't make the bed. And she didn't clean her dishes

up. And she didn't. And I was like, kind of if I was 23, like I was, I had a learn man. I'm not that I don't have manners, but my mom didn't teach me a lot of those things, maybe about staying at people's houses. I'm like, wondering, oh, and I was 23. I might have stayed at someone's house and not made the bed because we shut the bedroom door. I might not have always got up to clean the dishes because of my home. We didn't really cook.

You know what I'm saying? And I said, but she has no idea. Give her a chance. It's like coming in with her values of least she was raised. And so I think that just people are not on our same page a lot. So I was like, no, I think she doesn't know. Well, she should know. Maybe she hasn't been out in the world.

She's like, what's the only different state and different upbringing and a different everything. I think we do that with men and women that we're dating. How could they not know? And then we end up discarding people for things that actually could easily be changed. Like if someone really likes you and did something like, what is one of your things, Kristen? Oh yeah, the word I start right now.

I know, so many. But I mean, for me, it's like important. I dress up. Every time I'm going on a first date, like I'll find out what the place is. Obviously, I wouldn't if we were going somewhere low key, but most of the time I'm going to a nice place, so I would dress up.

So my expectation is that they're going to dress up. So if they show up in a t-shirt and like 10 issues that are like dirty, and like it looks like they put no energy into it, it makes me feel not special. Right. But it's not. It's like a deal breaker. Is it kind of like expectation? You would say deal breaker for sure.

Yeah. But honey, I think that would be, first of all, if a guy got too dressed, I feel like everything is so casual now, it's all a lesure, it's all a la, I don't ever last time I went out with a guy and he wasn't wearing a t-shirt. But he can have a really nice. Like a button, but he thinks is nice.

My mom always said, I once complained about a guy who was dating my 20s, and I'm like, mom, but I hate his shoes and he wears shorts. Like he wore these weird shorts, and she's like, Emily, you can go shopping with him. Like you can change their clothes, like you can't change their behavior, you can't change. So that's something he didn't know, but you could teach him.

If that was the only thing, I would probably let it go, but I feel like that translates. When you show, you don't care, and you're dressing up for this person for the very first time, I felt like it would translate. Alright, everyone, thank you for listening. Thank you so much to my listeners. Remember to share the show with a friend, rate us wherever you listen. You guys were available on all podcast platforms. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Elisa, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael.

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