Sex With Emily - Relationship Reset

Episode Date: October 27, 2021

Have you ever been in a relationship with someone who can read your mind, anticipate your needs 24/7, and fulfill them perfectly? Yeah...me neither. The truth is, deep relationships require deep communication skills, and the most important skill is this: being able to articulate what you need, sexually and otherwise. The result? Way healthier relationship dynamics.Click Here to Subscribe.So on today’s Ask Emily show, I give you communication tools to put in your back pocket, so you can improve your relationship one talk at a time. How about when you’re tired of hookups and want a relationship with real depth? Or maybe, you want more than one relationship? I talk you through ways to approach both.What about when your partner is emotionally detached, or you want your child to grow up with more positive sex messaging than you had? We get into it. Finally, we talk through getting the kind of touch you need in bed because let’s face it - sometimes pain is fun, and sometimes it’s just painful. With the right communication, you can find just the right sweet spot.For more information about or to purchase the products mentioned in this podcast, click below:Foria: Premium CBD ProductsDame: Practice Your PleasureShow Notes:System Jo LubricantsPjur - Sensitive Lube Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

If somebody has an active fantasy life, they typically do fantasize about past sexual partners. And so I do not think it's cheating. But everyone gets to decide what cheating is in their relationship, but someone can't tell you that you're not allowed to fantasize about something. Now, there's two kinds of fantasies. Remember this doc, there's a fantasies that we want to actually happen in real life, that we want to share with the partner like I think it'd be fun to enact this.

And then there's fantasies that we just want to keep to ourselves. And they're all okay. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Have you ever been a relationship with someone who can read your mind and anticipate your needs 24-7? And then, not only that, they fulfill them perfectly. Yeah, me neither. The truth is, deep relationships require deep communication skills, and the most important skill is this. Be able to articulate what you need sexually and otherwise. The result? articulate what you need sexually and otherwise. The result? Way healthier relationship dynamics and relationships. So on today's Ask Emily Show I give you communication tools to put in your back pocket so you can improve your

relationship one talk at a time. So what about when you're tired of hookups and want a relationship with real depth? Or maybe you want more than one relationship? Well, I talk you through ways to approach both. I also talk about getting the kind of touch you need in bed, because let's face it, sometimes pain is fun, and sometimes it's just painful. With the right communication, you can find just the right sweet spot. Intentions with Emily for each episode, join me in setting in Tension for the show. What do you want to get out of this episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention is to give you the tools to fix and

maintain your relationships no matter what you're looking for in a partner. Please rate and review sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. And my new article asked Emily, how do I track the healthy relationship is up at sexwithemily.com. Also, please check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, just call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions there or just message me. Sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. We've Hauntedr, she's 20 in Michigan.

Hi. Hauntedr, what's up? I am so excited to talk with you. I've been listening to your podcast for so long. If you are one of my role models, I'm so excited. Oh, I'm so happy to talk to you. Hi Hunter from my home state. Yes, I guess my problem is, and maybe it's not a problem.

You can tell me, I'm unable to have a roster or to casually date multiple people at the same time. I've tried, and in the beginning, it's empowering, and it's fun flirting with all these guys. But then I either lose interest in all of them very quickly, which I'm known for, or I catch feelings for one person, and I hyper-fixate on them and can no longer talk to anyone else. And it almost feels inauthentic

when I do try to talk to other people. Okay, that's okay though. I mean, I think that you're figuring out your way right now, it works for you. There is no prescriptions here. No one says that every single person has to be has to want to casually date and have a rost of men or women lined up. And for some people, that just doesn't work for them. For some people, they want to have security and safety and they want to trust someone. They want to have a relationship that they could build on over time. And that's, you that's where we can have a lot better sex, too.

But we're with somebody that we trust that is invested in our pleasure and we're invested in their pleasure. And that's totally fine that you do you. I don't think that there's anything wrong with wanting that. But it can also be exhausting. And maybe what you're craving now is you kind of want a connection with somebody. Definitely. And it's tough because I go to a very big school, a big party school, so hookup

culture is very prevalent, so I feel the expectation is to have this roster when it's like, I don't want to just casually hook up with someone, I need that intimate connection. So I almost feel like it's this like, pressure to have this roster when it just I try and it just is not for me. I'm hearing from this from so many more women, Hunter, and men that there is this expectation hook up culture. You got to do it, it makes you cool. We're gonna get blackout drunk

and we're gonna go sleep with a bunch of guys and it's very empowering, but is it? Like do you remember it? Does it feel good? Are they going down on you or having orgasms? And so I would love you to just be that person with your friends and say, it's not for me. Do you start telling guys, nope, not for me,

not looking for that anymore? I tried it, it's not my thing. And you just start advocating for what you want. I think that you're gonna first off, it's gonna be very empowering. And you're also gonna be setting example for others that you know, this is what works. I think you'll give other people permission

to pave their own way and to figure out what they want to be. That's how it was when I went to college. There was no casual sex. Like if you had casual sex, you were slutty, you were judged, you will talk to about you forever. Like oh, she slept with everyone at the frat party. You know, it was like, you just couldn't do it. And now the pendulum swung with this huckle culture and maybe it's going back the other way or somewhere to

the middle where I don't think it was right either way. Like I think it should have been okay to experiment. It was so strict. But now the fact that you're telling me it's totally gone to the other wayward, it's you are judged and you're seen as, I don't know, needy or something. If you want to, you can want to. Yeah. The guys think I'm like two intense, or some people think that I'm impure, not participating in hook up culture, like for some reason it makes me like,

like this immature person, I'm like, no, if anything, I should be deemed more mature that I understand my relationship with sex and I'm sticking to that. Yeah. And it's difficult because typically the guys that I'm attracted to are the guys who are hooking up with all these girls and the guys who want to date me and who respect the fact that I won't sleep with them the first night.

I'm not attracted to that. Exactly. This is a dynamic that happens. It's because also the men. There are different places all it's not harder for men because our were much more connected and we communicate with our friends and we talk about all these things. We're guys in college, they're 20, first time away from home. It's what all of their friends are doing. And so they don't really have a conditioning, they don't really have an understanding around what it means to be in a relationship and they're doing what their friends are doing. They don't have the same level of dialogue and trust with their friends. I'm not all, but some. Yeah. But what you're saying is a classic, like, welcome all the guys I like, don't like me and the ones I don't like. It's just, that's been going on since the beginning of time

and that's going to change. That dynamic is going to shift and change. I know this, and I promise you and I feel like it is changing because I've been hearing this from a lot of college students, and so I think you know what you want. And I think that's really intimidating and I think that could be really attractive to some, but also intimidating to others, but it doesn't mean you shouldn't keep doing you. Yeah. And all the while, it's while you're still working on yourself and masturbating and making sure that you're giving yourself pleasure and figuring out your body. So when you do meet somebody, it's pleasurable for you as well.

Mm-hmm. No, you're definitely right. And I know in my gut that when these guys do give me a hard time, like, make almost like fun of me, but not wanting to sleep with them. I know that they're wrong, but there's also that part of me that's like, like, I'm in college, like, I want to have fun. All my friends are doing this and doing that.

So I got some. Yeah, I totally got it. It isn't fun though, like what you're saying is it wasn't fun for you. You know, it wasn't fun. Yeah. Now totally got it. It isn't fun though, like what you're saying is it wasn't fun for you. You know, wasn't fun. Yeah. Now, maybe it's fun for them, but like some my friends like to go out and play tennis or go, I don't know,

whatever it is. There's certain things that I don't like that are not fun for me that tell me in nightmare. And so we all get to define what fun is. We all get to decide what works for us. And so I also think again, that is a script. That is what everyone's doing. And you guys all just got to college

and what you were home in pandemic last year. And it's like free for all. And this is what people have been doing the last for years in college is going out and hook it up. But I think that you're gonna see the pendulum swing when you get maybe your junior year, senior year. It starts to change a little bit. You're not gonna see it a little bit.

But still, I still feel like a lot of guys are like, I'm in college, I'll interview here once. Like the person who has most amount of bodies, like that's the coolest guy. We gotta try to be like him. And it's like. They're not the coolest guy. So mature.

I should come talk to college campuses. I really should. I've been wanting to say just because you've been with more people. I love to come because literally it's a disaster. The fact that still a thing, your body count, your body count, you shouldn't do it. It just means that you're somebody you can go out

and bang a bunch of people. It does not mean that you are a good lover that you're having quality sex, that you understand pleasure of your body, but you guys are still like young and on the path of discovery. So would you say, let's say I do start really liking someone and I'm texting them a lot. Is it healthy though to also maybe keep the girlfriend for a couple of their people and not put all your ads on one fast?

Yes, I think that's important. I think always put, if it till it's locked down, I would still say go out, you don't have to sleep with them, but still flirt. Unless you are committed and you've had the conversation, just assume that everyone's sleeping with other people and tell you of the conversation. And I think it's okay to like someone because what you told me early on to go back to that is you were saying that you get this laser focused. I think you're really healthy. And what you're realizing is the counter to that

is when you know you get laser focused, so I tell everyone this, my friends, this too, is keep dating, keep swiping, keep meeting people while you met someone you like. That's not locked down yet. And there's something to be said for having your attention spread out, only because it helps you in compare

and see if you're really into this person. So yes, I think you're making all the right choices now. I think you are making very mature healthy choices and you're for it. Very wise. Of course, I'm team Hunter. I wanted to talk to you for so long and this was very therapeutic,

so I'm very appreciative. I'm so glad Hunter. I'm going to. I will. I love that idea. Okay, Hunter. Thank you so much. Have a wonderful day.

Keep doing you, you too. Bye. Bye. Bye. I know it's really hard to tell a bunch of people that we are all doing the same thing. We all want to follow herd mentality and if everyone else is hooking up with it, what am I going to be the one with the commitment or do something different?

But yes, I love that Hunter knows her own body and knows what she's want and she's listening to what she wants and not going along with everyone else. And I invite everybody to take a look. If you wholeheartedly want to be dating and do hook up culture, there is zero judgment here. Hook up culture exists take a look. If you wholeheartedly want to be dating into hookup culture, there is zero judgment here. Hookup culture exists for a reason, and I understand that. Like I said, when I went to college, it's my dog. Hi baby girl, when I went to college,

it was much more restrictive. Like literally, you couldn't hook up with people. Do you guys see my dog? If you're looking at the video, she's a little white-possed, she's cute. But you couldn't do it. So now I like that there's options, but what I'm hearing is we should all give people go easy on them and I hope that there's more dudes.

If you are a woman now in college or you're a guy in college, send this to your friends so they can hear that it's okay to do what you want to do for you when you want to do it. And don't be following the scripts of college and all those things. Just because you're sleeping with a lot of people doesn't mean that it's really fun and really pleasurable. That's what I got for you. We have Anna, 25 in Chicago. Hi, Anna.

Hi, thanks to you, too. Nice to meet you, too. How can I help? I called in because I hear you talking about and advertising while the of these exciting moves. And it's something that I want to integrate into my sex life, but I have a very sensitive skin and a very sensitive vagina, ideal lip, chronic,

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Is it like condom safe? It's coconut oil is condom safe, but it's actually not safe for toys. So I would recommend that a water-based, I would recommend the pure med, the water-based for your toys. And I would recommend the coconut oil for everything else. There's also you might want to try, although this isn't good for your toys, but silicone

lube is another lube I recommend. It's one ingredient. It's silicone. And so if your body can tolerate silicone, it's slippery, it lasts a lot longer, and you're not supposed to use it with silicone toys. Because it can break, silicone can break down silicone. But water-based is good for everything all around. And the flavor of the loops are water-based.

So we don't want you to have any sensitivities, although I feel good about their products, but I want to just be safe. You know yourself, you know your body. Cool, thank you. Oh my God, you're so welcome. It's a great question. You know my dream is a leap body. Cool, thank you. Oh my God, you're so welcome. It's a great question. You know my dream is a loop on every nightstand, so I love answering a loop question. Fun, what's nice to meet you.

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I wish there was a one loop. It's all one size fits all loop that's for everybody, but that doesn't exist yet. So I do feel good about coconut oil and one ingredient and like silicone, but just remember to experiment. And sometimes our body's changed. Sometimes certain times a month, things can affect us differently,

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That's F-O-R-I-A. Sexwithemily.com slash for ya with code Emily. For 20% off your first order. We have Doc 26 in Massachusetts. Hi Doc. Hello Dr. Emily. Hi. Nice to meet you. And your opinion is thinking about other sexual partners or fantasizing

about them cheating. I personally don't believe that it is because having we all fantasize about many if you if somebody has an active fantasy life, they typically do fantasize about past sexual partners. It's really common. And so I do not think it's cheating. But everyone gets to decide what cheating is in their relationship, but someone can't tell you that you're not allowed to fantasize about something. Now, there's two kinds of fantasies. Remember this doc, there's a fantasies that we want to actually happen in real life,

and we want to share with the partner like I think it'd be fun to enact this. And then there's fantasies that we just want to keep to ourselves. And they're all okay. There's no thought police. There's nobody that's coming in and saying, you're wrong, doc, here's a ticket. You're going to jail for that terrible thought. So I think that it's totally healthy.

And now if you are only fantasizing about your exes or former partners, when you're with your current partner and your current partner is turning you on on and that's a whole other conversation. It's not wrong to to fantasize about a past partner in that case, but still then you're getting more information. What is it about my current partner that isn't turning me on? But I'm not sure if you're asking that. Well, in general, yeah, not necessarily partners specifically,

but just thinking about other women, sexually. I've had someone tell me that they consider that to be cheating. And the way I see it was, OK, I get that it may be cheating to you, but I feel like it may also come from a place of ignorance because it's like you can't control your thoughts. And just to make someone feel bad because of what they

think can sometimes be abusive. And I think so. I think so too. So I think you're right. I totally think that this is a typical, and I hear this all the time actually, that people's partners get really offended by their partners fantasizing about someone else. So the counter to that is that it's very common. So I just wanted to normalize that too for listeners.

You're like, yeah, if my boyfriend's or my girlfriend's thinking about somebody else, then it's over and it's cheating. You shouldn't feel bad about it and they have a judgment around it. But I also think it does have to do with not having a lot of information and accurate information about sex education, understanding that fantasies

are going to happen. You really can't control what you fantasize about. You know, and I think it's okay to think about whatever you want to think about. And I think that what we're hearing here is that you want to be with a partner who has, who's more open sexually, who understands, you know, that fantasies or fantasy life and it's part of being sexually healthy overall. And I used to, you know, get offended in my 20s if my partner watched porn in my early twilight and understand it. I was like, it's similar. I was like, you know, get offended in my 20s if my partner watched porn in my early twilight and understand it.

I was like, it's similar. I was like, you're watching porn. Like, does that mean you want me to look like her? But now I understand that it's part of being sexually healthy. Is that we all have our own things that turn us on? I love that you brought this up about the porn. It's always been a thing with an almost all in my relationships where I would ask them, what kind of porn do you watch?

What kind of porn are you into? And I realized that most women tend to be very self-conscious about what porn they watch. They're very closed off when it comes to that. And I feel like it's huge. It's one of those things that will can and most likely will bring you guys together. But it's a good opening.

And so speaking about your fantasies and speaking about what you may prefer or love. It's true. I mean, we've to understand too that where women are coming from, that there's so much shame and stigma around women being sexual because we're called sluts or we're called, you know, prude.

And there's all these ways that women just can't win. And so we are told if we express ourselves sexually, if we watch porn and we ask for what we want then we're going to be shame for that. I'm trying to change that. I think a lot of people who are interested in learning more about what actually is okay. Don't feel that way but it has been for a long time a common health belief that women if they admit to watching porn or they even watch porn that there's something wrong with them that they're going to be shamed and they're going even watch porn, that there's something wrong with them,

that they're gonna be shamed and gonna be- It's a grind, it's so deeply. Women have been repressed in this way for so, so long, and I'm really hoping to change that conversation. So, hopefully, when you're with women like this, you can say, I want to tell you that if you do watch porn, and you do a fantasy, I think that's really hot, and I encourage you to do that,

and I think it's really sexy, and I am about someone who's gonna shame you for that. And I think that the more men we have that could sort of tow that line and be open about it to be more supportive of women, then that would be the world I wanna live in and about you. So, but I think that's way to coming up against. They just don't know.

They just haven't been out there. They haven't been listening to this podcast. They haven't, the friends are the same way. So that's really it. Really. I've been sending it to everyone. I've literally been at the same way. So that's really it. Really? I've been sending it to everyone. I've literally been sending it to everyone. Because it's, we need to speak about this.

We need to speak about sex. But is it possible for a mentally healthy woman to be polyamorous or to be poly in general? Yeah. I think that polyamory could be for any kind of human. So the observation that I have personally made has been that that I have encountered in my life. Most women that are open to it,

probably amers relationships or open relationships, they tend to be open to it because of some kind of issue that they have psychologically speaking that makes them not want to be with just one person because of some kind of blockage. As in, it's not like it's their first desire to want some like multiple people, it's more sort of a defense mechanism is what I've seen happen a lot. I think that being in a Pali-Emma's relationship takes practice, it takes sophistication, it

takes really understanding who you are, maybe you've been with one partner and you've been committed, you thought, you know what? I'd really like to go out and experiment with other people and not have a committed relationship right now because that's how my lifestyle is or I don't have time for it right now. But I haven't seen a trend, you know, it's kind of like saying, oh, everyone who's a sex worker has been abused, right? So I just don't think that's true either. I just think that there are some women who might say that you've come across and say, oh, I'm just going to be polyamorous because I have

commitment issues or I've intimacy issues. And you know, maybe that's that's the case too, but people who genuinely want to be open or to have experience in committed relationships and have found that it's just something that they'd like to open up and have healthy relationships with multiple people at once. So yeah, I haven't, I don't think that, I think that there are some people who do it as a default too, because they're like, oh, well, I'm just doing it for my partner, I'm doing it to see him cool, or I'm just gonna do it,

but it really doesn't say well about it. So all these things, yeah, I got it. It sounds like you're out of path here and you're learning and discovering, and I think that you, there's a lot to understand about paliambrian open relationships, but I'd be wary of casting judgment on a whole swath of women who want one thing that is just not necessarily true.

Everyone's going to come to Palia Marie or any kind of relationship from their own upbringing, their own place, their own life experiences. So yeah, just keep that conversation. Turn more women on to this podcast. Thank you for calling. I'll be back so much. Have a great night. You as well. Bye.

Bye. Let's have my open relationships for a minute. There's a lot of young people now saying that they want to be open. People who have never actually been in a committed relationship. And there's zero judgment on that. It's just that it takes a lot of skills. Remember, I was talking about those relationship skills, which is something that we are not taught anywhere. We're not taught in school. We're not taught in through our partners. We have to learn how to be excellent communicators. We have to learn how to trust, how to be honest, how to communicate our needs, how to express jealousy,

how to transcend jealousy. The couples I know that are in a healthy, open relationship, practice this rigorous honesty that is really beyond, so that is not something that is for the fate of heart. And it's with a partner that can actually hear you and you adapt and you adjust and they people who are open have rules and they have boundaries and they continually talk about them and they update them and they process and they over process. It's not just a matter of saying, I want to have sexual partners and I want to be with you,

but oh, I won't be home Friday because I'm not a hot person at the bar and I won't be home. It's not reckless. It's actually thoughtful and heartfelt and caring and it comes from a loving place. Not a, I'm just going to go sleep with people and I'm going to get jealous and this is going to be just another way for me to get my needs met and not really care about your partner. But people I do know who engage in it in a healthy way, I continue to grow together and it can work out. So it's not some crazy notion,

but you have to have a certain skill set in place. All right. We have Adi, 25, and Philadelphia. Hi, Adi. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Great. Thank you so much for meeting with me. Of course. How can I help you?

I listened to your podcast on love languages, and it got me thinking. So I'd say my love languages are definitely quality time and physical touch, and my boyfriend is so different than me, which is fine. But I guess I'm having a little bit of trouble. So I've been trying to ask him or talk to him about what helps me feel more loved.

And I have had minimal results so far. I'll tell him what he could maybe do to make me feel more loved but then I'll actually ask him to what can I do and so far he says nothing you're doing everything perfectly and you don't need to change which makes me feel terrible for asking a bunch from him. So I guess I want to know how I can approach it where I'm not making him just feel bad about everything. Okay, well it sounds to me like you're both feeling bad. I guess you feel bad and he feels bad, but I just want to normalize this for you, Adi, that relationship skills is not something that we are born with. We have to learn them. Like, we have to learn them in every relationship. And I want to normalize that whenever we talk to our partners about changes that we want to see in our

relationships or our sex life, we're going to be met with some pushback because it comes from this fear of being a bad person of disappointing a partner, the fact that we've never heard anybody else talk about sex, so when someone does our relationship stuff, or make a request that we're like, oh God, my biggest fear just came true, I'm a bad lover, I'm a bad partner. And it's important to emphasize that, because, and for everybody listening,

that it's okay, this is what happens. And so now, I think it would make sense that his first reaction, and you know, we're all different. You're not saying that you're not happy. You just know a little bit more about relationships are constantly improving. There's no such thing as a relationship that isn't always evolving and growing. And when they stagnate, that's when they become less interesting and problems about when we're evolving every day as humans. I think he probably doesn't even have language about it in his mind.

He probably doesn't have anything to say. He really has never thought about it. He's like, this is great. I love you. We're living together. First of all, did he take the love language quiz? Do we know what his are? Yes, and I actually didn't have him take it.

He's acts of service, which I do see that all the time. He's always doing things for me. It's just not the best way for me to receive it, but I do see it's there. You know, you giving him X of service? Yeah, I'm trying to. At first I'd say I was giving love in the same way I wanted it to be received, but he wasn't receiving it well. So I tried to dial back and give it more like he would want it. Okay, so you're really trying and he's just not getting that have you given him examples of what it looks like for you to get your love languages met. Like maybe you could tell me what would feel good to you. Like let's practice. What are the

examples? How do you think you'd feel more love from him? So I would just feel the most love just first by physical touch, just random hugs, they're on the day, random kisses, everything like that, holding hands, and then just getting to hear that I am loved. Just because I don't know, I know it's there, but I need to hear it. Here's our loved and appreciated. Okay, and so maybe you could just let him know that this is nothing that you're doing wrong, per se. This is something that I'm learning about myself. And this is something that would make me feel more connected to you.

And just breaking down the concept of the love languages that we give what we want to receive, you know, all day long, he could be changing your tires and filling your car with gas and helping you with bills or anything around the house. And it's an act of service. But again, for you, which just doesn't fill you up in that way. So really, we're just talking about education. Yeah, I've been telling you. He just might not be ready and open to it. He might just think it's too painful for me. I feel like I'm a bad person and I feedback makes me feel horrible. Maybe growing up, if you ever got feedback from his parents, it made him feel

really bad. Maybe they were hard on him. I'm just guessing. So he doesn't have any experience with personal growth. And he did share that. He, I, because I shared what exactly I wanted from him. And he said, just when there's too many things that I'm asking of him, it just makes him feel like he's inadequate. Like a bad boyfriend, which kind of shut down. Okay. So you could say, I just want to reinforce, tell them all the things you love about him. So you could say the reason why I'm having these conversations with you and why I think it's important is because I think you're an amazing boyfriend and here's the ways that we can even grow stronger. We have to keep growing together. You know, again, I just want to normalize that relationships are about growth.

But in relationships, we're so protected because it's so vulnerable. It speaks to this part of ourself that we feel we're not levelable. We're not enough. And that you're going to just leave him and he's a bad person. And he probably goes to that, I'm a bad person in a lot of other areas of his life. Because usually how we do one, how we do one thing is how we do everything. And so it's just a matter of seeing if he can meet you there right now, if it's just he's just out there yet.

And some people are never there. What you want is valid. You're not doing anything wrong. Thank you. I really appreciate the advice. Of course, I hope that helps to Adi. Thank you so much. I love your show.

Of course, Adi. Thank you so much. It's so good to see you and let me know how it goes. OK, I'll be here for you. OK, I will be here for you. Okay. Well, bye. Sometimes we're not at the same place as our partner. I would like to say it's something in your 20s, but believe me, there's people in their 30s and 40s who just everything's fine. I don't want to really upset the status quo. I can't take feedback. It makes you

defensive or it makes somebody, you know, just feel wronged in a deeply, wonderful place that they just won't be able to meet you where you're at. And nobody's wrong in these situations. It just means that it's a lesson for you. It's giving you more information. I like to say that all of these roadblocks we hit with a partner are giving you more information that we continue to gather. And at some point, you get to say, all right, this is actually something that's important to me. And if I'm with a partner that doesn't have a growth mindset around relationship skills, around sex,

now I'm learning that this just, it might be a deal breaker for me. And this is going to be a requirement in my next partner. Because it's just like everything. It's like people in recovery, like you can't get someone to stop drinking, you can't get someone to start working out, and you can't get someone to want to talk and emotionally evolve.

So, check it with yourself right now. What kind of relationship skills are important to you and what kind of traits are you looking for in a partner and do you have that now? And if you don't, time to evaluate that and make some choices for your future. When we come back, I'm talking to Catherine who wants to know how to teach a young daughter about sex and self confidence. You're right back. Okay, everyone, be real with me for a second.

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Hey, Katherine. Hi, Dr. Emily. Hi. How are you? So good to talk to you. Oh my God. It's so good to talk to you. Huge fan.

I've been listening to you for over a year and you've helped me so much. So I have a five year old daughter and 33 years old and I want to raise her in a positive. I want to have good positive sex education with her. I want her to talk about everything and let her know that it's okay because I was raised that masturbation was gross having sex with more than when person made you a whore, and of course sex before marriage, all that, you know. I never believed in that, but it was always there. And I don't want her to be raised that way.

So I don't know how to talk to her about all that, because I was never talked about it either. So there's that, but it's also like the confidence wise, like how do I talk to her about being confident in her, in herself, if I'm not even confident either with I have very low self esteem too, you know? I wear wig and that was just recent and the whole pandemic happened. I started wearing a wig and nobody knows and now it's hard to like even get intimate with anybody because the whole time I'm afraid I'm like,

oh my god do they see that it's a wig? Is it going to come off? I had somebody who tried to pull it and I was like, no touch my hair. Well, let me say this. It's a great question and let me just say this that body confidence and self confidence is a journey. It is not a destination. It is a lifelong process of learning to be confident. You don't just get there one day and say, I'm fully confident. I never have any insecurities. That is just, I would just love to change that perception in everyone's mind.

So you can still teach your daughter how to have boundaries, how to have consent, how to name her parts. The more information you give her about first off naming her body parts, telling her vulva, her clitoris, like teaching her what everything is, if you see her touching yourself, you say, doesn't that feel good? It does feel good. Remember, you're the only person that's allowed to touch you, and it's best to do it in your room, and we know that she's touching herself at the safe way. You know, you have to say like at the drugstore, or you'd be like, okay, it's too that we get home and not, you know, trying to keep body positive messages around the house and

encouraging her for, you know, things beyond her looks and, you know, having her not value just those kind of things. I think that was in our culture, it was like seeing pictures of magazines and aspiring all. You know, I have a friend who had a young kid that she tried to keep magazines out of her house. Like she tried to keep like beauty magazines and beat like so the daughter wouldn't get that message, but eventually, you know, kids grow up and you can't protect them from the world, but you can, you know, continue to tell her, I think the more honest you are about how you've had to learn confidence. And I think that seeing it modeled by you is a really important thing that you could see. You could even, like, I have negative self-talk.

That's one of my challenges, right? I'll be like, oh, I'm such an idiot. And I do that, and then I notice that I do it. And so I might say, oh, God, why am I doing that? And then if you do that, you could say, see, mommy does that sometimes too, but I love myself. That's a habit that I do. And I really do.

You know, today I was a really good, I got up, I went to work, I volunteered, and you know what I'm saying? Like showing her the ways that you do love yourself will be such a great learning for you and for your daughter at the same time. So even the fact that you're asking this question, that you have a consciousness around it,

means that it's going to happen. Like so many of you don't even think like this. They don't even have the intent. I mean, if that happens, if in front of her, you are not feeling the most confident one day. And I think that sharing that with her and just continuing to encourage her

to make good choices about her body, to make good choices about friends, explaining to her what it means like to be in a toxic relationship or toxic friendships you know just teaching her those relationship and life skills that we are none of us were taught. Yeah okay. Is that helpful? It is and thankfully I do that you know once in a while I will tell her all of that but she knows I'm extremely self-confed like with my hair because I used to have the most like full hair and then COVID hit and I like I have nothing now and I have to wear wig and so she knows that she knows I'm not taking a picture of you mom

I'm over here you know and I'll see that's sending you know showing a message or that you don't feel beautiful when your hair isn't oh When I don't have it on. Yeah. Okay. So that's, but listen, you know, I think that's really hard because you, it's new, it's new for you now to have to adapt to this part of yourself. And that's not easy. Our hair is our, it's our feminine, you know, men lose their hair fine, but they still

have other women. We don't have hair. I understand that. But you look beautiful. You've great energy, great spirit. And I think that if you maybe try to speak more positively about yourself, and like, mom looks good today, doesn't she? And just, like, I never heard my mom talk about aging. Here's an example.

I just spent time with her. My mom's 79. And I never heard her say, I feel old, or I feel like my bones hurt, or I got to slow down. And as a result of that, that, I never think about age. And she really does, it still doesn't. And I think that we do model things in certain ways. If you are someone who constantly see her saying, yes, it was a hard day, but I'm really

liking how I look. Like, let's take pictures of me. You can even say, yeah, not with the wig off. I wasn't feeling it, but now let's take pictures of me. And just being real and trying to, they say that and relive the best relationships. And I would have to say this extends into life that it's a five to one ratio, five positive experiences to one negative. So maybe that one experience wasn't so great with you with the wig. And maybe that's, I'm just using that as an example. Maybe you can try to pay attention this

week to times where you can show her where you are being in your confident place or feeling more empowered or feeling more self-assured. You know, just teacher those lessons in real time. Okay, I'll definitely do that thing for you, Dr. Emily. Of course. Okay, so I have a friends with Benefit and I didn't see him for like the whole pandemic. Now that we're like hanging out again, like I said before, he likes to have rough sex and I love it too. And before I tell him, yeah, go ahead and pull my hair.

You know, it's great. This time he tried to and I was like, don't do that. Never told him, you know, he doesn't know. And so I'd be like, don't pull my hair. And all of a sudden he was just like, why? Like what happened, you know, because before it was fine. And now I'm just like, no, don't.

To totally, like not even address this question, I was like, here, I'm gonna just give you a blowjob or something, you know? And then another time was like, I didn't want him to be on top of me because I'm like, oh my God, my hair's pulled back. He's gonna speak, you know, about outline. I don't need to just getting on top,

so he doesn't see. How do I tell him like, hey, this is why you can't pull my hair anymore, even though I loved it. Oh my God, I think you just gotta be honest with him and just say, hey, I had some hair falling out. I had hair falling out. You could also just say I had hair falling,

my hair is really sensitive right now because I had hair falling out, but I think you should be honest and say, right now I'm wearing a wig, because my hair fell out and we just can't pull it right now, but you can. Sat my ass, talk dirty to me, choke, whatever you're into. But I think, gosh, you know, the more we're really honest about the things that we are embarrassed us the most, we are the most shame for.

We are able to easily, we can turn it around and it once we realize that it's not so shameful and we shed light on our darkness, you're going to feel more connected, you're going to feel more loved, it's going to give you more confidence when you can really be honest and open with all your friends and lovers and your daughter. Okay. Thank you. I hope you honest.

All right. Of course. It's all right to me too. Thank you, Dr. Emily. I really appreciate it so much. My Catherine. Confidence. You guys listen and, it is really something that we work on through our lifetime. If somebody tells you that they're confident all the time, I don't believe that. I don't know how that's possible. We all have things that are going to sort of

make us feel more doubt or dent our ego a bit or days that we feel less so. And so I just think that it's a really good example to try to be as open and honest as their kids as we can. I think the more we normalize the struggle of being a human, like normalize the human condition to our kids. Like I'm having a rough day and here's what happened, but tomorrow I want to try to be a better person. I'm going to try to make better choices. I'm going to try to say better things. You know. We all need that sort of balance in our life. We all need someone to give you accountability, somebody that you're going to do someone in your home or a friend of yours to make sure that you're staying on your own path. The more that we educate yourself and also in the more honest we are with ourselves

and others, the more confidence we're going to have, confidence comes from deep insecurities that we are imposter syndrome or that we're not really living up to who we are, but I think the more that we are honest about our struggles and share our vulnerabilities, like things about us that we are feel shameful about, like we lost our hair or there's so many things that we worry about, but I promise you that sharing our secrets, we're only as sick as our secrets, and the more that we are able to open up to people that we care about, and see that they actually accept us and even love us and respect us more, will allow us to see that, oh, these things that I'm holding on to in shame, really don't really blossom in the life. So, again, the people who do judge you for those things are not your people. Again, the people who do judge you for those things are not your people.

That's it for today's episode, see you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where every listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily Podcast. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. you