Sex With Emily - Relationships, Red Flags & Romantic Blocks

Episode Date: September 4, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls and giving you the tools to have the sex and relationships you want – and deserve. She talks about the proper ways to ask for more sex – without hurting your partner, the red flags that could mean you and your partner aren’t compatible, and why monogamous couples can learn a thing or two from polyamory. Plus, why you shouldn’t worry about your sex toys “ruining” your vulva – it’s all about adding some variety. Thanks for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Womanizer, We-Vibe, Aneros, Foria Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily Want to ask Emily a question? Email [e-mail] For all things sex & relationships, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on Today's show. I'm taking your calls and helping you through your sex and relationship questions. Topics include the proper ways to ask for more sex without hurting your partner's feelings. Red flags sign you just might not be compatible. And please don't worry your vulva is not desensitized. People always ask me that. It's not. And also, how to find partners who want the same kind of relationships you do. All this and more, thanks for listening. It's not. And also, how to find partners who want the same kind of relationship you do. All this and more, thanks for listening. They call them in a bag on me. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between.

For more information, go to sexwithemily.com, check it out, check us out at all social media at Sex with Emily on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook. Okay, guys, it is September. I can't believe summer's over, but it is the back to basics month. So you might think everyone gets sex, but to be honest, there's always new things to learn. I'm still learning things, okay? And well, you can think of like the back to basics

this month, you might be going back to school. So we're gonna be having an ABCs of sex series on the website, so check that out. Okay guys, here's some sex in the news before we get into your calls. So you wanna have more sex, but don't wanna hurt your partner's feelings. Okay, I really liked this article came out

because, well, I was quoted in it, which I love, but they asked me, the reporter contacted me and said, so what are some ways that you think you can ask for more sex without hurting a partner's feelings? And I thought, wow, God, I get asked is a lot on the show. I think it's even if you're just talking about the fact that you want more sex. People just are just asking for something you want, but it is not easy. We know to have the communication conversation.

So I like the way this came out. So I'm going to read you some points. She talked a few other experts. So here it is. Number one, talk about it. Okay. You know how I feel. Communication is a lubrication because relationships are full of compromises.

That our sex life is no different at all. And if you're not on the same sex schedule, you don't want the same things as your partner. There's something that you're dying to ask them. You just got to talk about it. Assume for sex means talking about it. And you know, I talk a lot about the right ways to do it outside the bedroom. You know, when you guys are in a happy, relaxed space, so that's just the first point you gotta talk about it.

I think we all agree. Have the conversation in real life if possible. So I get it, you guys, face to face is hard, but it's like ripping off a band-aid. So you wanna bring it up when you are relaxed and happy or like, you know, find what relaxes you both. It could be after a glass of wine, when you're going on a hike after you work out.

Try to have it in real life. I'm not a fan of texting a lot about emotions and feelings and problems and fighting over texts, especially when it comes to sex. You don't want to be like, hey, any more blow jobs over text or a one year ago down and we look, that's just no, it's in real life, even though it's people, because I even know sometimes I have to bring things up in my relationship. This is my job, and I still have these moments. I say, if you do press, it does that to be perfect.

As long as you know you're coming from a place of love and wanting to improve your relationship, which you do, just know that your partner probably wants the same thing as well. So you're both on the same team. Okay, the other thing is give the good news first. I always call this the compliment sandwich. So you don't want to put your partner on the same team. Okay, the other thing is give the good news first. I always call this the compliment sandwich, so you don't wanna put your partner on the defensive,

so great to start with positive things. Like, keep thinking about that sex we have this weekend. I'm thinking about it all week, which you know, maybe think like, I think we should kind of figure out how to have more sex. Maybe we open, you know, maybe we, you know, that's the request. Their request is let's have more sex,

but if you just open up with let's have more sex without kind of setting the ground, just like one nice thing, like you know I love you or you look beautiful today and maybe think about our sex life, you just want something leading into it. Because then you can say, in the Copeland sandwich, obviously you end that sandwich with like great. So let's have more sex and I'm excited we're on the same page. We have amazing sex to come.

So you start with something great, you put in the thing you want to talk about, and then you end it with another nice positive message. Okay, guys, this is big. This is something that I learned from my mother, actually. When I was a kid, my mom was taking some therapy classes. And this is a big part of therapy, like all base of therapy. But I remember she said to me,

I might have been in fifth grade. And she said that whenever you're talking to somebody and you're confronting them on something, you don't want to use the word you. Like you never initiate sex or you never bring up anything exciting or you know, you don't care about me. You don't want to put your partner on the defensive, but this comes with everything in life. So if you're going to the office and you're saying, you never show up to work on time, it's better to say, I, I've noticed lately that,

you know, being on time is a challenge for you. So would you like to talk about some ways we could effectively get you to show up to work on time. It's better to say aye. I've noticed lately that you know being on time is a challenge for you So would you like to talk about some ways we could effectively get you to show up on time? So when you're in a relationship too if you're like you never do this or that when you start with I've been feeling lately like We're not really connecting or we could be having more sex What do you think we should do about it? So instead of saying you never want to have sex or we never have sex You can lead with why having more sex would be great for both of you. I think we'd have more connection, more intimacy. We'd probably wouldn't be fighting as much

or whatever it is, start with speaking for yourself and not for your partner and don't make assumptions that they're on the same page as you. So do use the eyes statements. Ask about your partner's preferences. I like this because if your partner never seems in the mood for sex or they're complaining that they're just not turned on, you can ask them,

and this is key, this is great for women. What makes you feel sexy? What times of day would you like to have sex? Which ways would they like you to initiate? You know what I always say? Like if you're, if you just tell your partner wants you need to initiate sex more, there's probably a reason they haven't been initiating,

and it's because they don't even know what that looks like. So if you could say babe, when you come in the door and you just start likely kissing my neck, that really gets me in the mood for sex. That would be a great way for me to know that you're initiating or that you want sex. So, you know, asking about their preferences,

asking them leading questions, like, what turns you on, what makes you feel sexy, what times of day are great for you? Like, I realize lately we're not having sex a lot. So what time of day is great for you? Like, I lately, we're not having sex a lot. So what time of day is great for you? Like I would say, if you guys don't have a lot of time, you've kids setting alarm 10 minutes early in the morning or go to bed a few minutes earlier,

there are ways to find time for sex. So ask about their preferences and getting you really specific is helpful. And finally, you want to find a win-win solution. So again, you guys, tell them how much you love feeling close and intimate with them, how you can work together to make sure you're both getting your needs met. So remember this, you guys, you're on the same team.

You're not playing tennis, like you're on a soccer team. You guys both want the same things and the same goals. So, find a solution so you guys can work together to have a sex life that works for both of you because it matters. All right, my next sex than news, here's some red flags that there's no compatibility in a couple according to match makers.

Okay guys, again, take this with the greatest salt. I don't want you to hear one of these and be like, oh my God, we have to break up. What are we gonna do? But I like this because I talked a bunch of different match makers who see a lot of couples, probably know the red flags. So here's one of them, you don't agree about what to do together. So I'm kind of mixed on this one.

So my net seemed like this is a big deal for some people because you can't agree what to do in your free time, but there could also be a sign that there's some values you don't have in common. Like if there's some things that are really important to you like on Sunday, you know, it's important for you to, you know, be in nature and go hike. And your partner's like, I never leave the house. I only watch sports.

Well, your value of working out and being healthy and your partner's like sitting home or drinking beer all the time, no judgment either way, but it just means you might be incompatible. Now I have to say, I'm a very independent person, so there's a part of me that's kind of excited that we don't like part and I don't share all the same things because I'm like great, you go to do your things and I'll do my things. But think about it, think about the things that you specifically don't like doing together and if it means anything about your values, take a look at that. If you just like to go shopping, your partner doesn't, that's fine, but it would be something

a little bit bigger, take a look at that. If you just like to go shopping, your partner doesn't, that's fine. It would be something a little bit bigger. Take a look for the signs. The other thing is you live very different lives. You feel like you never see each other, your roommates, you know, you like ships that past the night and you're just roommates. You might even be living together, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you're compatible. And I'm not saying you have different interests, one, this a little bit more like you literally aren't matching on everything.

And it seems like a struggle. The other thing is you fight a lot. I think this makes sense that if you're just fighting all the time, you're fighting more than you're actually like having joy with each other. And such if you're fighting over things repetitively like money or sex or how you raise the children, you know, and if they're not getting resolved or they're not having movement, think about it like how in terms of these fights,

are they're contentment? Like is your partner saying things that are kind of judgmental or make you feel really bad? If they're really big issues and you guys have not resolved it, you might not be that compatible. And if you don't want the same things in life, that's another one. Again, you guys take these with a great assault, but really, it kind of helps you clarify.

Do you have the same goals in life? Do you guys both have the same goals in life? If you do, it means that you're compatible, for sure, but if you don't want the same things in life and you're not willing to compromise, like if you're a partner, they want to go out every weekend and just drink and party and go out to like five four Yeah, I mean, that's never going to be your jam and it keeps coming up. If you don't want the same things That's important. But also of course you guys these are huge Marriage children money those are the three things that people that are the biggest issues in relationships

like those are the things that are like the predictors of divorce and if people Can't find common grounds on one of those are definitely two to three of those, there's gonna be some problems, and also religion is a huge factor. So make sure that you guys are on the same page. Do you both want marriage and kids? You gotta listen to this, because there's also this thing where you're like,

well, she says she doesn't want to get married now, but if I stay long enough, maybe I could convince them. I mean, I think you have to remember to pay attention to what your partner says. What are they said over time? If they keep saying it, it's probably true. Okay, another one is you don't value your relationship in the same way. Okay, so how can you tell if you share the values? If you're not really both into spending time together in the same way, like if you keep feeling like, you know, you want to spend more time with them and you want to bring them into your life and meet your family, meet your friends and like your work people,

and there's just none of that. They're just not valuing it. They're not putting as much effort and time into the relationship. Again, if you're in a relationship where you're like, yeah, you know, I'm okay that they always bring me into everything and they're cool that I don't, then you're fine. But I think it's just, you know, take a look at it. There's nothing wrong with wanting your partner to feel that your partner values it as much as you do. Because we've all been in relationships or friendships where like, I'm always the one reaching out, I'm always the one making plans,

I'm always inviting them out to dinner, they're never initiating it. The same goes into a relationship. Do you both value your relationship? Do you prioritize your relationship? So take a look at that. And then last one is you don't see the world in the same light. This is a big one. You can compromise on a lot of things, but the quietest is really huge. If you're dating someone, and they, for example, have that victim mentality. Okay, so everything's happening to them. I can't get your break. Not everything's gonna work my way. The boss has to get me.

The neighbor hates them. Their friends aren't calling them back. But you're someone who's like really positive and you're always looking at opportunities and you're looking at the positive side of things. And we can all go different ways. Sometimes I'm a victim. Sometimes I'm not often a victim.

That actually is one that does trigger me. But sometimes I'm a little bit more negative, but overall, your philosophies and like how you see the world is the world out to get you, is the world on your side. That really says a lot about your compatibility too. Like if you're constantly feeling like you're fighting their mindset about their genuine like belief about the world, that can also be a challenge. So take a look at those and I'm see if anyone resonates resonate, you don't have to enter relationship, but you might not be as compatible. Okay, and finally, guys, what monogamous couples can learn from

polyamorous relationships? I like this because if often said that people I know in polyamorous relationships or open relationships, they just, you know, practice like rigorous honesty and their communication is something to be admired. I always think. And even though you might be thinking, well, never be in a polyamorous relationship, I'm not saying that too in this article, but it's pointing out some really key points that I think we can all learn from people who are in open relationships and think about how

this might work in your relationship. So, okay, the first thing is communication. Successful monogamous relationships, obviously, as we talk about, require communication about desires and needs and problems, and this, like we know, can be a challenge, and polyamorous couples excel in this area, or non-monogamous couples, however you want to call it. People in consensual non-monogamous relationships communicate too, get this, you guys, negotiate agreements, schedules and boundaries, meaning like when you're going to be seeing other people, what's the schedule, what are the boundaries for you having sex with someone else and to work through different kinds of problems that will emerge when negotiating an open relationship, like jealousy and who's going to be the secondary partner and you just need greater communication

Overall, the next thing is defining the relationship our DTR as we call it I think that every couple could kind of stand to define the relationship especially if you're just dating you know you've been a few months in I think we could all use some good contracts I'm good not you don't actually have to write it down, but talking about what does this relationship mean because we often make assumptions. People think, oh, we had the DTR conversation and that's just it. They decide, yes, we're committed, no, we're not. Are you sleeping with anyone else?

No, I'm not either of us to be committed, but that could mean something really different. And not just sexually, of course it could mean, well, that means that we're not sleeping with anybody else. So really, this is about what does it mean to be monogamous? Like for some people, the thoughts of just being attracted to someone can be defined as cheating for other people, anything but intercourse is totally fine. I love talking about this. I love talking about that partner saying, what does this mean?

And checking in. And this is also great. Obviously to define the relationship if you are going to open it up. So you guys, the other thing about defining the relationship is you might find out you might be like Well, I don't need anything else than other than to know if my partner wants to sleep with anybody else But even having the conversation and saying does the getting specific you guys that's what I'm talking about people who are Really great communicators in relationships to get really specific. It's not enough just to say we're not sleeping with anyone else And you might not think this is fun, but I think it can be very helpful to say okay, so you're not sleeping with anyone else. You might not think this is fun, but I think it can be very helpful to say, okay, so you're not sleeping with anyone else.

Well, what happens if maybe you're attracted to somebody else or what if, you know, you meet someone at a party or like, have you cheated before or what's your thoughts on like, you know, would you ever be in an open relationship or something and even interest you? Like getting really granular, like, does this mean that I'm gonna go home with you for Christmas

or does it mean that we're gonna be sharing certain things? Like this is what I'm saying is that defining and continuing to define it can be very useful. Even if you think there's no more defining to do, getting specific can help you really understand the relationship and also find out if you guys are on the same page, if you actually are compatible.

The other thing is practicing safe sex. This is a big one. So there was a study that found that individuals in polyamorous relationships were more likely to practice safe sex than those who cheat in monogamous relationships. So the study showed that monogamous individuals often consider monogamy a safe sex practice in and of itself. So sexually unfaithful people may reject safer sex strategies because of the presence of a stable relationship. So what I'm saying is 50% of people cheat men and women. That's pretty much what the studies say in relationships, committed relationships. And so if that's the case and they're not, you know, practicing safe sex, that's something to think about.

Yeah, practice safe sex. Make it part of your habits. I think that our sexual health is so important and people who are in open relationships are willing to talk about it and prioritize it. And this is the big one here is that managing jealousy. I've talked about this before and I find this fascinating. So people think, oh God, the thought of opening up or swinging or being with someone else, I would cripple with jealousy. If I think about my partner with someone else, that would kill our relationship, I could never handle it. So, you might think that having multiple partners would elicit even more jealousy than being in a monogamous relationship, but that is not the case. So, those who engage in polyamory and swinging score lower on jealousy in higher-end trust than those in monogamous

relationships and people in monogamous committed relationships were off the charts on jealousy in higher trust than those in monogamous relationships and people in monogamous committed relationships were off the charts on jealousy. So you might not realize that your jealousy is eating away with you. In fact, they found that monogamous couples avoid addressing jealousy, right? So people who are in non-monogamous relationships, they talk about jealousy all the time and it sort of gets diffused because you would place to go with it. You're like, pay it that kind of maybe jealous. I thought I'd be okay with it, but it seems like you're really more into her than you're

into me. Whatever, you could just say it in your wisdom that you trust because if you're in an open relationship or a non-minogamous relationship, you have that foundation of trust. People who are in monogamous relationships don't have a place to address jealousy. That's kind of ignored. They fester. And then you know how manifests they're like going through the partner's person reading their text messages

and breaking into their Facebook account. So I just think that addressing jealousy and being honest about it is huge and that if it's something that you've been thinking about, you want to open it up, that that shouldn't be a factor for you not to try it out because people do transcend it. And it still happens, but you just learn how to deal with it and how to diffuse it. Final one is maintaining a sense of independence.

What I like about this tip is because I appreciate that people who are in open relationships realize that they don't need to get all of their needs met by one person, which I think is a problem. I'm not just talking sexual needs. I'm talking about people in monogamous relationships. It's a lot of pressure. And again, this is the way the system set up. But we marry this one person, and there are caretakers.

There are emergency contact. There are lovers. There are best friends. They help us figure out of our problems, our work stuff. That is a lot. That's a lot to set anyone up for. It'd be like, you are my everything. And until actually I understand that. But if you're more an open relationship, you can

a little bit more creative about getting your needs met because you may be relying on friends more. You're relying on secondary partners, rather than putting all this pressure on one person, which can be really stressful. So, you know, it's, it's like, I think that I don't know where this came down that our partner, like we can't ever talk to anyone else But I know that my friends and my family and just the people in my life my colleagues are the people that I talk to about a lot of things I don't bring everything to my partner not because I'm hiding things But just I know in my life like who would be good to talk about this challenge

You know, so it's really important to continue to develop those secondary relationships You know that'd be romantic But just I just think maintaining your independence when you're in a relationship is some really important work and important to think about. And like, if you kind of got in a relationship, you're like, what happened to all my friends? Or, I don't talk to these people anymore. Believe me, it's a really great thing to nurture and to continue to cultivate all of your other relationships outside of a community, my naggivance relationship.

Okay, guys, that's your sex, the news. We are going to give a shout out to our sponsors now. Thank you so much for supporting our sponsors, and we come back, I'm taking your calls. Okay, guys, I'm excited, because this is a call show, and I love you to participate in our next call shows Because it's fun you guys I get to see it. I get to talk to you We get to really get into things so if you have a question you want answer on the show text ask Emily all one word to

7979 Oh, you can also go to the website click on ask Emily tab and fill out the form and if you want to be called You can just click on the yes I'd like to be called, box, and you can also use a fake name, and always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Okay, we have Katya, she's 23 from London,

and she says she's sexually and romantically blocked from trauma seeking advice. Hi, Katya, you came to the right place. How are you? That's a lot. So tell me what's going on. Sexually and romantically blocked. Tell me the history here. When I was younger, I had a very long relationship with someone who I shouldn't have. I was like 13. He was much older than me. There was like a five year period where like it was just a very bad situation.

And so getting stuck into that whole routine of a relationship, when I got out of that, I was only single for like six months and I just had this void inside me which I filled with another boyfriend which he was great, but it didn't work out and I had my resentment as you do and then another six months thing go after like a year and a half and I fell in totally shit relationship with this guy who was just awful and I could never be vulnerable with like especially the last, he was really horrible. Was he abusive?

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I got like blinded by my feelings and all of that so it just sort of Need the whole thing and then it wasn't like came out of it shit of like God's what was wrong with me Okay, right. So it sounds like for 10 years so you're 23 now. So for 10 years you've been in relationships Yeah sexual relationships with man, and it sounds like it's just it's consuming because especially as a 13 year old your brain It's getting wired towards this attention, intimacy and attraction to someone and now, I think it is good to take a break and maybe not date someone right now

and get to know who you are on your own and kind of work some of these issues through. Definitely. I know that's easier said than done because you crave that. All of your being is like, probably you feel like, you don't feel complete or you don't feel like you without a man in your life. How is it

manifesting that? You're not dating anyone right now, right? So I understand. Right now, it's all right. I broke up with my last text in November. I went through my crazy phases of just like, doing people having sex, people, and then realizing it was just such an empty thing to just sleep around and it wasn't getting well it wouldn't work from it. Then I found out that I'm on the like a bike that true and I was just like okay so this is actually a thing this is not just me oh maybe I don't like I figured this out and I was like okay I want to explore this more but let me like I so I try to do that and then I was like, okay, I want to explore this more, but let me look like I so I tried

to do that and I was like, okay, I'm looking for something that I wouldn't be able to find until I find it myself. Yeah, you've got to feel it yourself. That's it. Yeah. So basically right now, I'm just, I'm just like, you know what, let me just date myself for a while. Yeah. And just like, do that for a bit. And actually I found myself feeling the much better in this situation I found that I don't need to like, so what I have found is that when I thought, like I was lying on the floor one day and I looked over and I was like,

it was so nice to have someone there. And I had this moment where I was just like, even if I didn't have that person there, would I be feeling what I want to be feeling because when I've been in that situation I'm like this is not what I want so I cut the time out and I'm just doing my thing now but that sounds really healthy like just I mean no really that is so I mean cocktail you said well. Like, it's so true that we think that someone else has to fill us up and give us love.

This is what we're talking about, self-confident, self-love, and we have to give it to ourselves. And I love your example that you sat there in the moment thinking, oh, it would be nice if someone's arms are on me right now, for example. And then you looked over and you thought, no, what would that feel like? Maybe that would even be annoying.

How can I like love myself right now? So that's exactly what we're talking about. And so this is about like, you know, taking time That would even be annoying. How can I love myself right now? That's exactly what we're talking about. This is about taking time to pamper yourself, to take baths, to learn your body what feels good to you, not through a lover's hands, but through your own hands. Touching yourself, masturbating, fantasy, and really seeing what turns you on, what's your erotic blueprints, what are the things that really excite you and do all these things in your own.

That's the thing. I found that's been a really hard thing to figure out myself because I realized I was like, well, I can't expect anyone to know what I want if I don't know what I want. Exactly. And then when I, like I thought I listened to your show and I was like, okay, I need to like learn to respond to my own thoughts. And then I realized that I didn't even know what I like. Yeah. I'm doing this with myself and I'm like, I don't know the sound why I'm not feeling

anything. And I think that's also been my mindset. Yeah, it's your mindset, right? Yeah. And it's an crazy hard to like figure out what, like just to empty my mind and just like focus on what's happening and I get so cool up up there. And like moving back home as well like the whole like this year's been crazy as well. Like I left my shouldn't house because of like massive drama and those housemates are really horrible to me. You know I came home and pears, I ended up having to pack up everything, so I'm back home. Okay, so I live with your parents, so there's not a lot of, is that what you're saying? Like, finding space. I live on my aunt and uncle.

So the whole family dynamic is pretty crazy, but I'm here with them and saved my sister, but my sister's had the double room, we share it, but I'm in the Dan and saved my sister but my sister's had like the double room like we share it but I'm in the fair and more she's here and then she's gonna go to uni and so when she does go I have like a week to set my clothes up before my turn to start so it's like there's just all the changes that happen with very short spaces of time. That sounds like. So I would take the pressure off yourself too. I mean, if you don't have that space right now, that's okay too. You're really, you seem very self-aware.

And you have a lot of emotional intelligence. And I'm really impressed by it. You're age 23, like the way you're talking about it. So I think you're fine. There's nothing wrong with you here. And so I think when you're saying it doesn't quite feel good, I get it. Like it's not, like I didn't start masturbating until I was ready to do those. This does not feel good, I don't get it.

It's really figuring it out. It's kind of exciting in a way. It's like you're learning a new subject and that subject is you and your body. I don't know, maybe you wouldn't even know you have it, but it could be watching porn. It could be reading a rotica. For a lot of women, that's like 50 shades of gray was huge. It wasn't because it was like gray literature, right? It was because reading those words, reading erotica, scenario,

like concern women on. So I think finding what gets you in that place, and then when your mind starts to wandering, like just getting into the practice of coming back to the moment, like coming back to your breath, and to the touch, like it could be like, how does my, you know, hands feel between my legs right now, and then you're thinking like,

what if my sister walks in and then you go back to your hands? Like you have to do it like 15 times but when you keep a hundred times sometimes to be mindful and to be present and that's what we're talking about like when our mind takes over we're in charge of that but it's hard to remember so it's like going back to that doing things that make you feel good like lighting candles listening to music it all sounds really silly and cliche but it totally works you know like you see I really want to do that. I can't wait until I can actually do that, because I really want to just set up the room and put on some music and like, we handle them, set like a whole scene and I can't

do that. And I feel like the more that I want it, the more that it frustrates me that I can't do it. Well, I would if you do, I totally understand too. And it sounds like you have some anxiety right now and that you don't can't really relax. Yeah. I had a lot of change. So you could even put on the back burner for a month or until she leaves. But I would also say, there's no such thing as the perfect setup. If you like to candle, one candle, that's enough, or just play your favorite soundtrack.

You know what I'm saying? You don't need to do it all. You could just say this one thing is going to signify that I'm going to do math for 20 minutes. I'm going to light my favorite candle that I've been saving for someone else coming over. You're going to use it on yourself. Like, I'm gonna enjoy these things or use your favorite body lotion or, you know,

whatever it is that gets you there, it's like one thing. But I feel like you know, so just, and once you start to do it, you'll realize it like, you could even say I'm gonna do it every day for 10 minutes for the next 30 days. Like 10 minutes, even if you don't get anywhere. So then it becomes part of your muscle memory, part of your routine, and then you'll build up to it.

But don't be hard on yourself. Please. Take it easy. Take some time. And you'll get through this. There's nothing wrong with this situation. I get that there's some KS now, but you'll learn how to build your home

and find a space for you that's comfortable wherever you're at. But but you know, okay? End you time. Yeah, totally, but I liked all the consciousness you have around it. So just take some time and figure out you get 10 minutes. Okay? 10 minutes a day. Okay, bye. Bye. I do have a quick request. Sure. So I've been like, I've been doing research and stuff and I've like, I'm really into yoga and all the mindful stuff. In looking at all the sexual healing stuff could deal with the past and everything. I've come across tantras, like tantra yoga, like the tantra sex and stuff.

I don't know because I have been able to keep up with your show as much recently as I have done. But I don't know if you've done a pull call from that or maybe it's something that you might be interested in doing one on. Yeah, no, we talked about Tantraxxx and Tantra Gioge and breathing. Dali talked about, she's called the pleasure muse. She was probably on about a little bit over a year ago. She talks about that and then the episodes with John Wyland might talk about that. Tantra is can be a great resource. So urban Tantra, I think that's the name of the book. It's a great book.

And I feel like, yeah, breathing and being mindful and being present, that's what Tantra sex is. And you can do it with yourself. And it's about like breathing into your body and really just like state. It's really about breath and focus on yourself. So it's mindful. It's mindful sex. So we've talked about it on the show for sure, but I think the more you can do practices, like I used to always buy these self-help books,

and then I wouldn't do the exercises, because my brain just wanted the knowledge, right? And they always have like 10 minutes at hand. That's what I want to tell you to do. Do the homework, because you probably know a lot about it or buy a good book on it or take a course on it, you know, online, but I really think it's a great, I think that would be great for you, because it'll help with everything. Yeah, I'm definitely gonna look more into that because it really, really, fastnights me, I'm really into it. Good, keep doing it, and let me know how it goes.

I really, I think that's great. I will do. All the self-care, I love it. Okay, bye, Katja, have a good day. Bye. Thanks for calling, bye. We all just need to take some deep breaths. I brought, we all right now,

I'm gonna take a deep breath with you all, okay? Does that feel better? Did you all just follow along with me? Because I think a lot of us run around, we're stressed out, we're really busy, we just were in our heads, and there's so much to be said for dropping in and giving ourselves time to really heal ourselves through breath, through our own touch.

And I'm weighing to tantra and I'm weighing to people being present and meditating and figuring out your own stuff. So glad that you're reminded me of that. Okay, we have Michael. He's 24 from Chicago and he wants to find women that value him and in the cycle of dating women that just want casual sex. Hey, Michael. Hi, I'm Lay. How you doing? want casual sex. Hey, Michael.

Hi, Emily, how you doing? I'm good. Okay, tell me what's going on. Give me some history here, please. Yeah, so I'm gonna kind of try to break it down. Kind of my biggest problem is I totally get it from where girls are coming from, but with me, it's like I had kind of an accident with my first school friend when I was very young, I went 15.

Basically it damaged most of the nerve on my penis, so I don't feel a lot when I have intercourse or any kind of sexual interaction, so it's still enjoyable to me, obviously. I still have like a high sex drive, but basically what I'm trying to get to is it takes me two hours, steaming it off, it's whatever happens. Okay, even when you're masturbating?

I would say when I masturbating, it's probably more like 45 minutes to an hour, but that's like really like concentrated with my headphones on that will deal. And yeah, it just leads to like girls will enjoy it, so I have a great time. And I'm like, okay, well maybe this one, like, you know, I'm trying to like be open and be like, you know, this is not you. This is the problem I have and I'm enjoying myself, but it always just kind of ends in the same like, oh, you know, I just think you, you know, I get three answers. I get, I think you might be gay. I don't think you're into the relationship or I just can't be with someone who takes

that long. And it gets emotionally difficult when I first wrote into you. It's a very upset, you know, because I really, actually I think you're the first, you know, relationship advice or sex advice that even I've been to counselors that even like acknowledge that getting off could be a problem for men. Yeah. Especially young men. Absolutely. And so I really appreciate it hearing that.

So I listen religiously to you for a long time and everything. Okay. It gets difficult because you know you find a new relationship and I love having you know sex so I don't want to just stop. Right. Okay. I know I got it. No thank you thank you okay so it sounds like you've been tough so i'm really glad you called i want to i want to help you here so what was the actual thing that happened curious with the girl friend when you

were fifteen yeah it it she was a little bit older and uh... she was a little bit experience but i guess not too experienced uh... essentially what happened is we didn't use any loop. And she did it kind of like twisting, kind of like, that's the way I can describe it. Like I described doctors as like an Indian torture thing. You know, you're doing great.

They can Indian burn, yeah. But they can do it. And it was based. Yeah, it was like, I don't know what, it was probably You can add in burn, yeah. But they got it. Yeah, it was basically. Yeah, it was like, I don't know what it was probably she was attempting to do something she read or something like that. Right, let's try something porn or something. Okay. It basically tore the like I'm I'm cut.

And so it like basically tore the stitching or whatever. And it was very bloody and I'm from a very religious background so I didn't, I definitely did not go to my parents because I didn't know why it was sexually active. So basically it like healed myself with us making like a Walgreens bandage. Right. And so it's kind of jacked up and the doctors kind of surprised that it even healed as well as it did, but it's definitely a little bit. Wow. Have you talked to doctors about it? Have they tried to work with you on it? Have you seen, have you talked to your, sounds like you have Dr. Dr. about it? Like if there's anything they could, they could do.

It, well, actually, it kind of like a rehabilitation, you know? Yeah, I know. Yeah, I have a doctor's really great who introduced me to flesh lights. It was kind of a pocket conversation, but he's the based by use of toy because it's going to be kind or like, yeah, basically no medical solution, essentially. Okay. I'm just wondering.

He just did say masturbate less to increase sensitivity, but i try that for a while and it's just made me more angry more corny and uh... and it didn't change the life of time at all right and then you could also have you know delayed ejaculation which takes longer for some guy you know if it takes 30 minutes or more for some men to ejaculate when you're with women are you like leading with it like this is a problem or do tell because i feel like it's the way you present, probably just to say like, I've got this thing, you know, I love having sex, I love being with you,

but I don't have as much sensitivity and just like being there for them sexually. And you tell them that, going in. Yeah, well, I like when the girls have a good time, I like to interact and be open and everything like that. I think that's important. So I kind of do with it, especially recently, because it becomes kind of, I think what I also agreed with on your show that you say a lot is like women are often taught to be the pleases of men. So I think it kind of like makes them feel

they're kind of like just surprised. I think it's not like they're, I don't know, like I often will get women being like, does that not feel good or just like, you know, and they're focused on me, you know, because you know, women are great. Yeah, you know, that's what pleases are. It's true. And you're 24 years old. You're probably dating women your age are like, what, like I'm telling women all the time, even though even if they listen, they still don't quite believe me. They're like, what, a guy just wants to please me.

And I can't, you know, and so yeah, I understand that you're probably teaching them that. So have you been to see like a neurologist? Have you been to see another doctor besides your primary care doctor? It's hard just because my insurance is not that great. It's like, I have it, but it's not that great. So I've been told I should go to a, yeah, urologist and a sex therapist.

It also, it doesn't. The only thing I hesitate is that it doesn't hurt to do anything else. And it doesn't necessarily hurt. It will hurt sometimes sometimes but the majority of the time it just it feels either good or feels like nothing. Okay, yeah. I think working with this I know you know I know that insurance sucks it's hard everywhere like I understand that too because there it would just be you know if you have a copay

and there's someone in your network to go see somebody just good to get another opinion to talk to another doctor but I so that's one thing. I would just stay on this because maybe there's some kind of like lasers, something they could, like a laser treatment or there's something they could do to kind of help with the nerves. I'm not sure because I'm not as familiar with this. So that's one thing like our mental health and our physical health are so important. Like without that we have nothing. And I've been your age when I'm like, I, the one thing that's going to go is health insurance. Like I'd much rather go out drinking or I'd much rather, you know, but it's like we that we have nothing. And I've been your age when I'm like, the one thing that's gonna go is health insurance. Like I'd much rather go out drinking, right?

Much rather, you know, but it's like we need our health insurance and there's ways to work it and to get recommendations. So that's one thing. But the other thing is with women, I think it's really just continuing just to be super honest with them and let them know like before you're having sex

and that it's all about them. And like even being more like dominant, be, no, I'm going to please you. I'm going to let them feel comfortable with you because I have to say that a lot of women in the early 20s, they just haven't had the experience of it. They're not smart and they don't believe you, but it truly is. And I hope this changes. And maybe you're part of that change for real, Michael, that women and men understand that especially women that they don't have to lead. It's not about them pleasing men first.

So I feel like that you're gonna find that person that's gonna get you and that's gonna be able to, you're gonna have a healthy sex life. It's all gonna happen. So I think it's really communicating without apologizing and just being yourself and being confident about it. Like this is my situation. And then continue to see what you can do about

learning how to play with yourself. So whether it is with a fleshlight or when you master be kind of mixing things up, using your hands in different ways, using different kinds of loops, maybe using a vibrator, getting like the verge or the verge by we vibe is a great toy or like playing with different coquering that vibrates like just different sensations to kind of get that the prostate have you ever played with your prostate at all i've had girlfriend like uh... i'm not opposed uh... i've had girlfriend strina lat i haven't really gone there i guess i'm a little bit of uh...

prudish mail when i come to that but i'd be i'd be uh... i think i think you can i think so because there's so much pleasure you realize to i think that'd be so great for you because if you use your, when you're masturbating, like without the woman, but like just try with the finger, use some lube, we've got some great stuff on our website about this, like it blogs about it, there's, you know, prostate play, you get a narrow toy,

you can just use your fingers and I'd say start to practice because you can have an orgasms that are so intense that could just help you with a lot of this. If you can't even incorporate that, like in the world is changing now. I know that you said you're kind of like this, what'd you say, like this conservative man. And I get it, but I do believe the times are changing. And that like, why not?

Especially in with your situation, you could have these kind of organisms that would blow your mind that could change your whole sexual experience. And I think that when you have confidence in that on your own, you'll just bring into the relationship and you're going to find a woman who can meet you at your level of understanding your own sex and your body. And so people might not meet you there and those aren't the women for you.

But you will find one woman with a big heart and compassion and who's ready to be with you in that way. So I just think that it's a matter of you being more comfortable and having solutions and knowing how to please yourself and your partners. That also sounds great. Okay, good. Keep searching, Michael.

Keep playing with yourself. Keep figuring this out. Alright, thank you. Because yeah, you're on top of this. You got this. Bye, Michael. Thanks for calling. Have a good day.

Bye. That calls me a great reminder to everybody that way you all need to use Lube every single time we have sex. A few drops of Lube. But also you guys that we take responsibility for our own orgasms and our own pleasure. And I know I often talk to women about that. Your orgasms about you figure out what you like, but you guys same goes for men. There's always rooms for growth and for learning. Because I don't know, I think you guys are listening because you want to have healthy

sex and even better sex and healthy relationships. And so it doesn't stop with how you're having sex now. There's always room for growth. There's always room for exploring, we have so many rodents zones you guys. So make it like your job to figure out what else feels good to you in all the ways you can be simulated. I love a man who's open to some backdoor play, women too, nothing wrong with it, just use

that to live, breathe, and go slow. Okay, Sarah, 26 in San Diego and she wants to know can love a sensitivity change over time? She wants to orgasm with her hands, but can do it with the magic wand. Hey, Sarah! Hey, how are you? I'm good, how are you? Very good, happy to be on the show. I'm so glad you're here with me, so tell me what's going on.

Okay, I had always been able to orgasm with my fingers growing up and then discover the magic wand and manage it magic. Yes it is. It was pretty much the only thing that could actually get me to come when I was really severely depressed and so now I feel like I've kind of relied a little bit too much on it. Okay. And I feel like I've noticed some decrease in sensitivity where I used to be able to use a vibrator.

I'm definitely a vibration queen. I absolutely love it. And I've used a vibrator. And then it doesn't quite happen as quickly or I can't just use the lowest setting. And I was just sort of wondering if this is normal. If there's a way to reverse it, have I damaged my... No.

I know. People always ask me if I'm like, oh, don't think damage you. No, I mean, the thing is our bodies get used to certain kind of things, right? Like that's, you're going to get used to the feeling of the vibrator at that setting. So there's no damage going on, but you just to learn another way to please yourself. And it's not that you have to retire the magic wand. It just means that you could like try to... Yeah, no, I get it. Like I totally get it. And I think that trying it, other vibrators at different settings, just trying a different kind of vibration,

like trying another toy, like if you've never tried a Wevibe, or if you've never tried the Queen Bee by Hot Octopus, another one. I like all these toys of, so the magic wand feels different than a Wevibe toy, or the act up a story. All the vibrations feel different. And once you kind of realize it like, yeah, you might not orgasm right away. Maybe it'll take a little bit longer, but when you tease yourself with it also, it's like switching up the ways that you touch yourself.

So if you just like put the magic wand and you're like, and it comes out, like I think the minute orgasm or the womanizer, the womanizer is amazing too, because the womanizer, I would actually recommend for you, because the womanizer, it indirectly stimulates your clitoris, and it's a different kind of sensation, and it sucks on your clitoris, kind of like kissing, sucking, kind of like oral sex, and so I feel like you might not even

be kind of getting into those nerve riddings, because there's 8,000 nerve riddings on the clitoris. I just think that you've gotten used to this way of doing it, but I think if you learn to stimulate the labia because there's clitoral legs that go down beneath the labia, like there's all these parts of your vagina be on the clitoris, beyond just a little nub that can feel really good.

So I think either using it over your pants, using the magic on over your pants are just trying some new toys, trying different ways of touching yourself. Well, absolutely healthy. They're trying all vibrations. Exactly, like different ways of touching yourself. Well, absolutely help you. In vibration. Exactly. Different vibrations, different things,

using a piece of fabric over it, so it's not directly touching you, using lube, using different, maybe you can lie in your stomach and masturbate that way, like playing with that. Just like when you've worked out, like if you did the same workout every day, your body would stop changing, right? You'd stop building muscle wherever your goal was

and the same thing goes through for masturbation. So I would just kind of say play with some things and think of it as fun, because there's no problem. I'm just telling you to like play with some new toys, masturbate without the goal of orgasm as you know it, like it's has to happen in this same time period and the same position. Yeah, so just kind of take the interesting way to do it.

Yeah, like that. Yeah, exactly. Just without the goal of it and just like, oh, did this feel good? My nipples. Does it feel good on my inner thigh, like teasing yourself and turning yourself on in different ways? Because I've been where you are, I've been where you are too. And I realize now that, because it's made me think about it,

that I have so many toys now that I know. Now I can think, oh, I want to have that feeling I get from this toy, or I want to try out this weave-i-ver. I want to insert a toy and use my finger. You know what I'm saying? So this just, I think you just got to play with it, but there's nothing wrong with you at all. Awesome. Well, thank you so much. Do you recommend if you ever feel like a decrease in sensation, like take a week off or something, or? I wouldn't be that sure. I would say switch it up and maybe try to, yeah, try to maybe start with your fingers and then end with a toy.

But if you're in pain right now and you're not feeling it, then I could say, yeah, take a few days off. But I know that nothing's wrong. You're gonna see that I'm right. Like I'm very confident about this that if you just kind of mix up your patterns and maybe watch some porn or do it in the bath tub and set it your bedroom like just changing one

of these things is going to make a huge difference because you're also in your head about it too. So I'm just telling you that this isn't really, it's not true. It's how you feel but it's not necessarily the facts because you didn't damage anything. So I've been there to play with some toys. You're so welcome Sarah. You've got nothing wrong with you here. Have a great night. Go buy yourself some fun toys.

Okay, bye. Thanks. Okay, you guys, I like this question because I do hear this. You were like, oh, I don't know why I use a toy. I'm going to get too sensitive. It's going to hurt me. You're not going to want to ever damage

their vagina, their vulva from a vibrator. That's not going to happen. But what happens is we get set in our ways. We think we have to only masturbate a certain way. We can only come a certain way or in a certain sex position. And I'm saying this is part of the fun of masturbation is that work you get to do on your own when you're masturbating, playing it throughout yourself, and just seeing that you have so many delicious nerve endings, 8,000 in clitoris, so many in our inner thighs, our inner arms, our forearms,

that you can just play with in your masturbating so you can find out all the different ways that you can blaze yourself. It's part of the fun. Okay, we've Doddy, 31 from New Jersey, and she's seeking advice about golden showers and three sums. Doddy, you're a good time. Tell me everything. Hi. Hey Emily, how are you?

I'm good, how are you? Good. Hey, basically my boyfriend and I, we have a really good adventurous and open-text life and Always trying new stuff and I asked him a little bit ago Why he'd like to try and he brought up a golden shower and I'm not against it I just have nowhere no idea where to begin. Okay. I was just hoping you could have us out Absolutely, I mean, so there's some basic tips for golden showers And I understand a golden shower is where you,

someone urnates on their partner. So for people who aren't sure, like it could be, you guys could take turns peeing on each other. So I guess you're not gonna know until you try it, but there are a few things to be to make sure that you, it's better to do it at the end of the day, once you're bladders empty, to drink a lot of water. It's a good to avoid garlic or coffee,

you're like vitamins and asparagus, to make sure that you're, you know, feeling good about your urine. But really also you want to make sure you're in an environment that's easy to clean off, right? So I would say in the shower and the bathroom floor, I would say just practice there. And maybe you just in the shower be a great way to start. Maybe he does it to you and you do it to him and then you see how it goes. Maybe start fooling around, some foreplay, making out in the shower. I think that's the safest way,

because then you're not peeing on your bed, which you could do that, but just a lot more cleanup. Yes, exactly, perfect. Well, that's a great place to start. I also had a question about three sounds. Like I'm open to three sounds. We talk about a lot. We've kind of set out the rules

in terms of what a three sound would look like. But how do we go about finding somebody that's like, if we're lacking a better term, a safe option. Somebody's not going to threaten the relationship, and I know that you can't rule out everything, but where do we begin with that? Exactly, so okay, so you're in New Jersey, so the good news is there's a few sites right now

that are great, so a lot of people are using field, F-E-E-L-D, and then there's also FET life, F-E-T-L-I-F-E. Those are apps, the probably websites, so you can figure out we can find people in your area. And also, there might be lifestyle parties, they call them like swingers, and people seeking three sums and all that in your area. So there could be like a sex toy shop,

you could call like if there's a cool sex toy store near you that kind of has, you know, body-safe products products and like this kind of stuff we talk about, they sell like weave vibes and stuff like that. That would be a good place. They have message boards or they might have like, you know, events on the weekends where you could find people. And there's also a blog on our website called Where to Find Lifestyle Parties. So I'm going to send you there, start with those apps and you don't know.

My recommendation would be if you guys met or someone on these apps meet him for coffee first I would say like are meeting for drink first and you could say let's see how it goes We want to continue it or you could face time But I would say they just get a good vibe for them feel it out because you're right There's no guarantees But you definitely want to make sure it's someone that you both feel good about that you're both attracted to and you don't want To invite that person over without maybe having talked to them first. Perfect, awesome.

Well, thank you so much for your time. You're so welcome. Let me know how it goes. I'm well-died. Have a good day. Bye. I feel like I'm getting more and more calls now from couples who are like open to it.

They're like, we've already set the boundaries. We already know the rules, which is great, you guys, because in case you haven't heard this before, it is important to like, who's the third going to be? Can they sleep over? Is there penetration allowed? Are you love to kiss them? Is it someone you know? Is someone you don't know? Is it a man, a woman? These are all really important boundaries and conversations. Boundaries to set and conversations to have with your partner ahead of time. But I love that people are calling. They're like, we want to know where to find it. So yeah, everyone, you guys check out that blog,

and if you're thinking of a third, you know, make sure you go through these certain steps, and let me know how you're through some goals. Can't wait to hear all the details. Okay, guys, thanks for listening to the show. Those were some fun calls. I hope you're on my next call show, and thanks to everyone for listening,

and thanks for amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithendly.com.