Sex With Emily - Resentment, Gratitude & Sexual Intimacy

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

When resentment builds up in a relationship, it compromises our sexual connection. We feel taken for granted, unappreciated, and unseen. Most of all, we feel emotionally unsafe, which makes it impossible to let loose and feel free in bed. So on today’s show, I talk through a study that connects the dots between a quality sex life and regular expressions of gratitude. Next, I take your calls: when long standing issues with your partner inhibit your desire, how do you break through that impasse? When your partner says you’re not meeting their sexual standards, how much of that messaging do you take in? And when you crave words of affirmation, but they just can’t seem to give them, is it time for new therapy or to respectfully end the relationship?Show Notes:How to Talk Like a Dom for Better Sex: 6 Essential PhrasesAsk Emily: What is a Penis Ring and Why Should I Use It?PRE-ORDER MY NEW BOOK! Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your PleasureSMART SEX PRIZE PACK (submit your pre-order proof of purchase at the bottom of the page, be entered to win the prize pack and everyone that enters receives a copy of my new and improved Yes! No! Maybe? Guide)VUSH We Come First Couples Connection Kit (Kit is 30% off, Save an additional 10% with the code EMILYWCF) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sometimes when we're like, you haven't had a relationship in three years, you forget, right? You're like, it's just really good to be in a relationship. It's like you've been in a desert and you're thirsty, you're thirsty, you're so thirsty. And someone's like, here's like a dirty glass of water with some mud in it, you're like, but I'll have a sip because it's water and you're like, this tastes good. It's still not good, right? Like this still is not your guy. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. When resentment builds up in a relationship, it compromises our sexual connection. We feel taken for granted, unappreciated and unseen. And most of all, we just feel emotionally unsafe, which makes it impossible to let loose and

feel free and bad. So on today's show, I talked to a study that connects the dots between a quality sex life and regular expressions of gratitude. How about that? Next, I take your calls. When long-standing issues with your partner inhabit your desire, how do you break through that impasse? Or when your partner says you're not meeting their sexual standards, how much of that messaging do you take in?

And when you crave words of affirmation, but they just can't seem to give them, is it time for new therapy or to respectfully end the relationship? Intentions with Emily, let's start off by setting an intention over the show. My intention is to clarify the connection between feeling appreciated and feeling aroused. Listen, both require a sense of emotional security, and when you've got that, sexual desire can flow 100 times more easily. Please rate and review sexualtemily wherever you listen to this show, my new articles, how to talk like a dumb for better sex, and what is a penis ring and why should

I use it? They're up at sexwithemily.com. Check out my YouTube channel social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. And as you ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sex.domily.com. Sush, ask Emily or call my hotline. 5.599 talk sex or 5.598255739. Before we get into today's show, I'm coming out with a book.

June 13th. Smart sex had a boost your sex IQ and own your pleasure. And if you know you're going to get it and help you well, just pre-order it now. You can click the link in our show notes to easily pre-order the book. But if promise is going to be the book that is going to change your sex life, yes, it's got all the tips and tricks in there, but it actually tells you how to strengthen the foundation that is necessary for you to have good sex for the rest of your life. Yes, it's got all the tips and tricks in there, but it actually tells you how to strengthen the foundation that is necessary for you to have good sex for the rest of your life. You automatically get my new and improved yes, no, maybe list and be entered to win the Smart Sex Prize Pack when you submit your proof of preorder at the link in our show notes. Lastly, this episode is brought to you by Vush.

So Vush is all about up leveling your pleasure at all experience levels. Last month, they launched their I Come First Challenge to encourage connection and intimacy with yourself. And this month, they're launching their We Come First campaign to encourage intimacy and connection with a partner. So listen, it's a 14-day challenge in which you prioritize your relationship

and up level your intimacy. Why not? Do this. It's important. Commit to it. Vosha's offering a limited edition couples connection kit as part of their week-on-first campaign, and I'm obsessed with this kit. It has an orb pleasure ring which is a vibrating cock ring with rabbit ears.

It's pleasure for all. They've curiosity cues. It's 50 cards that ignite conversations around sex and intimacy. We'll definitely help you build stronger connections, and they they have a 14 day challenge calendar full of exciting experiences. The kid is currently 30% off and you can get an additional 10% off. If you use the code Emily WCF at lush stimulation dot com just use code Emily WCF at VUSH stimulation dot com or just click the link in our show notes. I would have enjoyed this episode.

Alright, this just in. I was just reading this study and it spoke to me and I believe it's going to speak to you. There was a study that came out about complimenting your partner, about expressing gratitude. Now this is nothing new, right? I mean, I think that we all want to feel, you know, that we are appreciated for the efforts you make in a relationship or in a friendship or at work. We were motivated by it. I think it feels good to know that all the work that you're putting in is being seen and recognized. But this study showed that expressing and receiving gratitude towards a partner, such

as compliments or treats, I guess it could be a dessert or something, can help boost your intimate relationship. So being thankful and being grateful in a relationship is also key to the commitment in a relationship is also key to the commitment in a relationship. So we very easily get into these expectations minus gratitude. But what happens is when we don't express that to our partner, we don't tell them that we're thankful or we're grateful, you know, that's when resentment starts to build,

but they did this whole study and it came out to say this, these are the conclusions that when people were asked to write an experience, write it out, where they actually felt gratitude towards their partner, or felt their partner was grateful for them, here's the kicker, they were more likely to report a stronger sexual bond than people who didn't. So the thing about gratitude is, it is an emotion. That's going to come up when we respond to recognizing that someone else has been beneficial or valuable to us

in some way. And then that predicts greater sexual communal strength. So I was thinking about this and how we sometimes are like, we are careful with our words or we save gratitude. I have a friend who she never, she rarely says, let people at work know, for example, not in her relationship, but it's the same thing. She's like, no, I don't often tell them.

I kind of spurs it out when they're doing a good job. And I feel that she's probably got a lot of, and I kind of know this, and disgruntled employees. And the same thing is going in your relationship. I mean, I want to know from you, so I started thinking, like, what is something? Because we're talking about compliments. I mean, I wanna know from you, so I started thinking like, what is something? Cause we're talking about compliments. I know that I love compliments.

Now words of affirmation is also my love language. So tell me I'm awesome. Tell me that you think I, that you appreciate something. Tell me what you know, especially about me. That feels really good to me. And so this can be just a game changer. I think in a really, if you sit,

and the other thing you can do is if you sit and focus for like, let's say you decide, right now you're at the point where you're like, I can't stand there, I partner, choose, I can't stand there, then, you know, the way they're not recycling. So what is something that you wish your partner would say to you that they haven't been saying? Think about that for a minute.

Think about why you might be frustrated right now and something that's been annoying you. It could be because you're feeling taken advantage of. You're feeling you're the one who's constantly giving and giving and giving. And you feel that it's just, it's not appreciated. And the study says that if their partner tells them things that they like about them, well, then they feel grateful. But what I love about this is that not only once you start to express gratitude and compliments, you're actually more motivated.

You're motivated to fulfill your partner's sexual needs. And I know that is challenging because I hear from you that, you know, my partner wants to get on more than I do and I just haven't been feeling it lately. Maybe you're even blaming yourself. If you're someone like me, often when I get feedback from somebody, I often think, well, I probably did it

or I did something wrong. I had a therapist say to me once, well, why do you always take, why do you always abandon yourself and take their side that you actually didn't do anything? Cause I'm like a pleaser, but really think about it for a minute and think, am I resentful of my partner right now? Maybe I have something to do with it? Maybe I haven't been grateful. And another game changer, I want you to try this. If you're in this place and this

is familiar to you, perhaps you're like, yeah, well, Dr. Emily, there's so many things. I can tell you all the things that my partner's been doing there driving me crazy lately. But I'm going to say this, what if you suspend all those things and you say, you know what, for a week, I'm going to try this. And I'm just going to focus on the things that I'm grateful for. You can make a list. I always write things on my phone. And it's an incredible practice. If you just say, I'm not allowed to complain, I'm not allowed to be annoyed, and in fact, I'm going to practice gratitude. You don't have to tell them yet, but they would appreciate it. You could just start making a note of it. And then maybe pepper in some compliments, pepper in some gratitude. And that's actually what you're

going to find is that perhaps the reason why you've not been feeling sexual or turned on or actually been wanting to even fulfill their needs is because you've just been focusing on the negative. Now, our brains tend to do that, unfortunately. That is a biological adaptation of being human is that that comes from the whole, you know, fight or flight, we're in danger, like scanning the environment and saying, like, oh no, what's happening? There's like a tiger coming and it's going to eat me

in my family. I mean, that is how we are wired. We have to look at where are the problems. Where can I fix things? The roof is leaking and I don't like there's never food here or whatever it is. And then that's where we just go. And your brain is interesting because then it's like

a slippery slope. You notice one thing that's wrong and you've been riding them, maybe something happened over the weekend, and then it's so much easier to see all the things that your partner's doing that are wrong. And we pilot, pilot, pilot, and then, and top of each other, and then we're just not interested.

And then you're certainly not motivated when your partner's like, hey, I've been wanting to buy you a sex toy. What do you think about that? They might be a little bit more motivated if you both exchange gratitude and compliments. So I want to know what is something that you wish your partner would say to you more, or maybe you got a great compliment. What's a great compliment you got that made you feel better? It's a great exercise for all of us to do. And the interesting thing about compliments, the other reason why they feel good to us

is because it stimulates the same regions of the brain. You can check this. As if they give you cash money. They're like, here is some cash for you. If someone gives you cash, someone gives you a gift. Those regions light up, it's the same thing. It's that same currency. It's why we feel so great about it.

But it's also going to enhance our bond and with our partner or with anybody with friends, giving them a compliment, giving them something that you're appreciative for. I mean, I think we're always looking for quick fix to kind of feel closer to our partners or to feel closer to everybody. And I think just switching our mindset,

mindset is something that we actually control. We get to examine our thoughts. I mean, I'm not making this up. I mean, we could go back to the Buddha. I mean, that's all about recognizing that there's a human law of suffering, right? And that's what the Buddha said. He's like, we all suffer in some way.

And so what are we gonna do about this condition? How do we flip our thoughts? That is also our life's work and it's a practice. So especially if you've been walking around really frustrated. Now the other way this works is maybe you've been really frustrated with yourself. You've been hard on yourself, you've been beating yourself up and you've been saying, you know, I'm not good or I've low self esteem and that's why I don't want to have sex. But what I've realized and this is a practice as well is that if I'm not feeling gratitude

towards my life and at the end of the day, thinking about things or events that have happened, and I'm just kind of worried all night, I'm up thinking about things, it's really, it's not very motivating at all for you to do anything. This is where depression comes in, too. So, kind of flip the script and say, what can I be grateful for? And gratitude is such a buzz word now. It's like, be grateful, be grateful. And sometimes that can be, I don't know, I'm like,

really, like people give me advice and I'll say, let me guess, you want me to like motivate, and be grateful, and breathe. And I do those things, I do. But sometimes it can feel a bit much, so maybe you could say, well, what do I appreciate? Another way to look at it, then gratitude. Like, what happens if it's good?

What is your partner do today that you appreciate? What did anyone do for you that you appreciate? And let them know. This is just, not only is it gonna change our outlook and allow us to see all the things that are actually good in our environment and writing it down, but it'll actually help us enhance all of our relationships.

Who doesn't want that? I love a good compliment. I've had to train partners and say, when I don't feel that from a partner, I feel disconnected and I realize it, maybe I'm not getting complimented. You haven't told me that you're attracted to me. Are you think I'm sexy?

Are you think how smart I am? Or something? I want to hear it. And now some people might not need that. So I'm like, I already know that. I need gifts. I need quality time. I mean, those are the love languages, right?

When you ask for service. But I think we all need appreciation. I need quality time. I mean, those are the love languages, right? When you ask for service. But I think we can only need appreciation. I just want to feel appreciated. And we can provide that gift to somebody where the same regions in their brain are going to light up if you gave them a hundred dollar bill. It doesn't cost you anything. So, you know, this study also found that

when couples are more grateful and show appreciation, it is a predictor of greater sexual communal strength that you're gonna mutually be more satisfied and you're gonna have more of a bond in your relationship to say, hey, let's talk about our sex life. Let's try something, let me fulfill your sexual needs.

That's what it was based on. How do we fulfill our partner's needs. Like, why don't we want to? Like, what does that resistance in you that doesn't want to show up for your partner? Why don't you want to show up? What do they do? Because you could walk around being upset, angry, and talk into your friends, and talk in anyone listening about how you were wronged in some way, and how your partner did something,

but how is that going for you? How is that serving you now? Is that elevating you? Is that elevating your mindset? Is that helping you in other areas of your life? Or have you just gotten really comfortable in the discomfort and in the anger and in the resentments? Because you can carry that around, but it weighs a lot more than gratitude.

Let's talk to April 39 in California. Hi April. What's going on? Hi? Hi Well, I would just say I guess that my boyfriend I've just kind of had a lot of bigger issues to try and work through like wanting to move to a new place and just working on a relationship. And I find that I'm just not as into sex lately and I normally am really into it, but I'm just kind of mad and frustrated with him

and so that emotional part's getting in the way and I just kind of wondering if there's a way to figure it all out. But yeah, we'll ape this back. Yeah, well, it just happens. This is what happens. Yeah, no, but April, this is the thing that we have to honor that it's all normal. If it was like, am I normal? Am I normal? Is it okay?

Yes. The thing that's the most constant about sex, the most normal thing about our sex drive and our sex life is that it fluctuates over time. Sometimes we're in the mood, sometimes we're not in the mood. We go through periods where we're feeling very sexual and then long periods where we're not. So all of that is fine, but April, if you're having challenges with your boyfriend right now, then that would make sense that, you know, when our brain is in on board, it's hard

for our body to follow. Your question is, how do I get back on board with sex? And I can tell you that. But also, do you think you want to be in this relationship? What's happening? I definitely want to be in it. I hope that we can work through staff because it's not like the worst issues compared to I said on my girlfriend, but I just feel like he's not addressing any of the things that

are big issues for me. And so that's just making me kind of resentful. And of course, I keep telling them you just spend more time talking about things and like trying to figure it out, but you just not get it communicating. And I don't know what to do. I just feel flustered.

And yeah, well, I hear you. Well, resentment's a big thing. So if you talk about why you're not in the mood, it's because you're having resentments right now. And let me just tell you this. I'm going to give it to you straight. If right now, he's not considering things that are important to you and doesn't want to talk about it.

How long have you guys been together? Cheers. Let me just tell you this. There's not going to be a time where he, all of a sudden, decides that he wants to spend a lot more time and did. He's cleared his schedule so he can spend more time talking about your issues.

That's not going to happen. So just know that, that people don't change much. I don't think that all of a sudden he's going to be like, you know, April, I want you to tell me now, like, let's just take this night and dedicate it to what is going on with you, because I'm here for you. You're not going to get that, right? These shifts don't usually happen the way we expect it, because it's been two years. If you were like two months, I'm like, okay, you're still going to know each other. But two years, what are the big issues that he doesn't want to talk about right now? Kind of a few things.

So one, I want to talk about our sex life more because it hasn't been as great as it was last couple of months. Okay. I just want to kind of talk more about our relationships and where it's going and where we're going. And like goals and life and I just kind of feel like he might be a little bit stuck and I have to decide how I feel about that.

Yeah. And you know, I want to move into a different place and we're in a really seasonal climate so we don't have a lot of windows to like do that kind of stuff. And he has a pet that just drives me crazy and he won't do any training or resolve any issues there. And I'm just not down with cleaning up messes all the time and dealing with bad behavior all the time. And it's just kind of embarrassing.

Yeah, that's a lot. OK, so April, can you hear why maybe you don't feel like jumping out his bones right now? I mean, I's a lot. Okay, so April can you hear why maybe you don't feel like jumping out his bones right now? I mean, I'm hearing Really, I mean you guys live together then right because you have to deal with the pet. Yeah So I mean the first thing is I feel like if you had some more security I mean what I see this I just agree more down is like hey sex life relationship goals in life than the pets like number four But I see them as all kind of related, right?

Like you think he's not moving forward in his goals in life and he's not even training. You say it was a dog or a pet I mean, he's not training his pet. Yeah, dog. He's not training the pet. He's not training himself Your sex life is not is stagnant right now because you don't feel safe And you don't know where it's going and you're 39 years old. So like you know in our 20 I love for me in my 20s. I was like, yeah, I've got's going, you're 39 years old. So like, you know, in our 20, I love, for me, in my 20s, I was like, yeah, I've got all the time in the world. And then I'm like, oh, I actually need to know, because if it's not working, I'm out.

And so these are all huge. These are not just the things that are important to you. I think, April, you want to be with a partner who things these are important to, who the second the sex life is in great. He wants to talk about it with you and be like, what can we do? And they want to know we're doing as well. So yeah, I mean, I could tell you ways that you could get turned on again and what you can do. But I think that these are the things that we

got to figure out now because you live together. I mean, do you want to have kids? because you live together. Do you want of kids? I'm still like that. Window is closing quickly. It's not really closed, so. Right. Probably more unlikely than not. Yeah, I mean, you're 39.

You know, women. And the dogs, you're certainly not helping that. The dog? Yeah. I mean, right. We'll look at the dog. The kids are going to be, I'm going to be a dog. I'm not going to be a kid.

Exactly. So, I mean, this is, hey, you're, this is, I'm just, I'm just, replying, just sharing back with you what you just shared with me. I just wanna reframe, these are really big issues. These are really important things to figure out as an adult with someone you've been with for two years.

Even one of these things, right? Like most people are like, everything's great, but our sex life isn't. Or everything's great, but, sex life isn't. Or everything's great, but you know, I feel like I'm not inspired by a partner because he's not motivated to get a job. Like, but these are all three things. I'm not even including the dog. My recommendation to you is to say, we have to talk about all these things. In fact, we got to figure out an answer right now. And I love therapy. Like, you could see someone for an hour a week

for the next month and have way more answers than you did today. Because I don't think that it doesn't sound like he's someone who's going to be on board that or you guys are going to be able to figure it out when he doesn't really want to talk about anything. I've been with guys too for even shorter than 10 than two years and we went for a few weeks, a few months and we figured it out because it's like a mediator. It's someone's going to help you move the needle

and move it along. Because these matter to you and they shouldn't matter to you. It's not just your agenda, it's his agenda too. It's his life. Right. Could you see it? Yeah, I do. I mean, honestly, well, first off, do you have insurance?

I do. Okay, awesome. I mean, a lot of insurance companies right now, for many plans, you get like 10 sessions free or they pay half of it. So I would first, if you're concerned about money, I would, I would look at your plan and see who's covered, you know, you can buy log-in. Psychology today has a good list of therapists, you know, you can search specifically by what you're looking for, like a family therapist or a couple's therapists.

And it really, it's a relationship thing. It's like making new friends the way you got to see, like, do you like this person? But honestly, I would find somebody that's covered by your insurance and Honestly, a basic therapist. They don't do the best one in the world But they can I mean hopefully you find a really good one, but most therapists will help you just develop tools So you can learn to Communicate with him specifically and get to the bottom of this if you both have one the same things and if he says no to therapy and No to talking There's your answer. Yeah want the same things. And if he says no to therapy and no to talking,

there's your answer, yeah. Thank you, April. Thanks for calling. Stay tuned because after the break, I'm helping colors work through toxic situations and ask for more of their lovely languages. Don't go away. Let's talk to Mary 28 California. Hi Mary, thanks for calling.

I haven't been in a relationship in three years and I just got into one. It's a great relationship except for, we're really opposites in a lot of ways but particularly in the amount of like stimulation and novelty that we crave just in everything in life. I could eat the same thing every day. He wants to do fine dining all the time, etc., etc. But where it really manifests itself in sex, I have some chronic health issues that I am working with like a functional medicine doctor and even a sexological body worker,

because I have a lot of trouble orgasming. Okay. And so I feel like I'm doing like, and just like a regular therapist, like I'm doing a shitload of work on myself. Yeah, you are. Love it, girl. It's great. And I also have like a really demanding like tech job.

My bandwidth is very just tight at the end of the day. I'm exhausted. And he really craves and really honestly expects sex every single night. And I haven't been in a relationship for so long that I don't know if this is normal. Like, he tells me that he's missing out on like kind of so many other novel parts of his life because of me, like my energy limitations and my food limitations that like, you know,

sex is something that he really, really, really needs. So I'm like, I feel like I owe it. And I feel like I'm fucking 50 pounds wife right now to be honest. What, Mary, this sounds like, okay, Mary, well, first off, I'm so glad you called in because Mary, this is not a healthy situation. I believe that he is gaslighting you.

I mean, this is a great example of saying, like you aren't doing this way and I need this, but you know, this is what's normal and you're somehow not fulfilling my needs. And he doesn't sound like he has any compassion or empathy for what you need right now. And I don't think he ever really will. I also understand that the attraction is so exciting because you're more set in your ways and you have more structure. And then he's somebody who's probably very exciting to you

because he brings all the adrenaline and all this excitement. But to answer your question, no, nobody has sex every day unless I'll never tell anyone that you have to have sex seven times a week, that's what's normal. Each couple gets to decide what is normal for them. But for him telling you that that's what you have to do. And then using your weaknesses, using your health

against you is not healthy. And he's treated me so much better than like past boyfriend because like past boyfriend's have been like really annoyed about like my limitations as well. But, Bikki just like treats me so much better that it's like I didn't really see this for a long time. And then like last night, like I had like insomnia, I mean I haven't seen insomnia anyway,

but like last night it was to like 4 a. mean, I haven't seen insomnia anyway, but last night it was to 4am because I kind of ignored being tired and just was like gave into sex, though I didn't want to, and then he followed the sleep five minutes later, and I'm up for the next seven hours. That sounds lonely too. I didn't even work today. Yeah, Mary. This is functional.

How long were you out of a relationship for you said for a while? Three years, three years. I was really just like dialing in like my health and you just personal development and all that. Mary, this doesn't feel good to me. It doesn't feel like he has the maturity to really hold space for you and listen to what you need. Trust yourself here.

You don't need to want to have sex every single day. Even if it's a new relationship, and you wanted to be like, I understand, you want to be with the guy who's like, you know what, I get you don't want it tonight. I know you're how they know when you don't sleep. It's rough, so let's, you know, can't wait for this weekend. You know, that's a kind of person you want to be with.

So I just think- He says like, I'm like different than all the other girls he's been with. And I'm like, I texted my craziest best friend who's like, I mean, she has a very high bar for stimulation, but she needs a lot of it. And she's like, yeah, I'm like, I texted my craziest best friend who's like, I mean, she has a very high bar for stimulation, but she needs a lot of it. And she's like, yeah, I don't even have sex every day. You know, of course not.

Listen, just because he seems a little bit nicer than the other guys, he's still not the guy for you, right? And I also, I think sometimes when we're like, you haven't had a relationship in three years, you forget, right? You're like, it's just really good to be in a relationship. It's like you're been in a desert and you're thirsty. You're thirsty.

You're so thirsty. And someone's like, here's a dirty glass of water with some mud in it. You're like, but I'll have a sip because it's water and you're like, this tastes good. It's still not good, right? Like this still is not your guy. And so if you can break from it now and I'm telling you everything you've told me, it's toxic and it's not healthy. And he's using all the tactics you're saying to you, what did he say?

Everyone else is doing it or you never feel great. So he's striking your vulnerabilities and saying, yeah, well, because you never fit to have sex or your weaker, whatever it is, he's using your vulnerabilities against you. And you want someone who's like understanding empathic because you're working on yourself and you need somebody who's working on you, you know, you want someone who's like understanding and pathic because you're working on yourself and you need somebody who's working on you. You know, you want them to like build you up and just sounds manipulative and healthy. You're already calling in after three months.

Can you leave him, Mary? Are you gonna take my advice? Oh man, I am going to do a lot of thinking. So I don't think it's healthy. You're gonna find more guys as soon you move out. Okay, bye, Mary. Let's talk to Darryl, 60, because he's, uh, his relationship needs aren't being that. What's going on, Darryl?

We've been dating. We were engaged and we were dating, we were still dating. But she asked me, I guess, about before years ago, what is it essentially that you miss or that you like? And I told her, I really like this when you do this, this, and the other, and she stopped. And I'm like, okay, so, it's like, so why did you ask me? If you were in a lot of things that,

it's like if she finds out I don't like something, she hasn't excuse not to do it. Oh. you a lot of things that is like if she finds out like something she has in this he was not to do it. And you know and I'm listening to everything and we've been going through something and she gave me this real nice heart-filled card and I'm like wow that's what I've been waiting for that's kind of what I've been wanting to hear and then it's like you know it's kind of like no follow up. Yes. She's just doing enough to keep you. How long have you been together, Darrell?

We've been together about eight years. Okay. You know, we got engaged in our really level. We went through our little, you know, our track therapy. And it was, it was a thing to be kind of all about me my shortcomings and everything and this is another name that kind of got me one day for Swedish day I asked right now I don't want anything for Swedish day I want you to write me a letter and tell me how you feel about me because I'm always giving her a card just because of the flowers and stuff like that I want you to sit down and write a letter

from your heart and tell me how you feel about me to this day I've never gotten the letter. But when we were going through therapy, we had the she I was doing something in our room and she told me the little something I found the notebook and I kind of peed and she was right I didn't read all of it but I read enough and it was interesting to me that you can't write a letter to me But you can sit down and write a letter about me Okay, you know, yeah, I mean, so what do you need from her? Like here's the thing it's been eight years there all your 60 years old Do you think I mean what yeah, what do you need? Peace of mind and affection. That's it. I mean because if I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do. And you know she'll say she's happy and stuff like that but she doesn't show it.

You know like I get dressed to go to a go workout, I pussy cologne on, and she'll make a comment, well, I don't want you smelling good or hard to win, other women and stuff like that. But yeah, when I'm around you, I get very little or any affection and everything. Yeah, you need words of affirmation or physical touch. Yeah, that's your love language. I can already tell you need words of affirmation and you need physical touch.

And she's not giving you these essential things that you need and you don't feel love. Exactly. Again, as far as the sex and everything, not giving you these essential things that you need and you don't feel love. Exactly. And as far as the sex and everything, if I don't initiate it, it won't happen. Right. Sounds like you... It used to be a thing where...

She wanted to... It was a little problem with that. But now, if I don't initiate it, it doesn't happen. And it's like, I'm just, you know... Yeah. And the other thing, like you say it. What happened to the therapy? What happened to the therapy? What happened to the therapy, Darryl?

The therapy, we were in a few times and there was some things that they pointed out that you know I just kind of see me doing I'm like okay I work on that, I work on that. And then you know it got to be expensive and we had to stop working out with saying it for. Okay so you're paying for everything and you're not getting got to be expensive and we had to stop working. I was saying it for you. Okay, so you're paying for everything and you're not getting any of your basic needs met and it's all your fault

and you actually are using the words that you are trying to make change. You're trying to do something different and it, again, there's two sides of every story. I'm not taking your side over your girlfriend's. I don't know her. I have a matter, but it sounds to me like you need to know that she is making efforts in some area

and she's not just gaslighting you and saying it's all about you. Exactly, exactly. You know, because then in the left, I'm gonna say we had a big blow about two weeks ago and I'm like, you know, it would be nice if we could sit down and have a conversation and feel like, you know, okay, I hear what you saying and I was trying to work on that. I hear what you said, but it's always, it's always what I'm not doing. It's been eight years, Darryl. It's been eight years and I don't think that people change unless they make efforts towards changing unless she says you're right. I'm going to work on it. But she hasn't made any of these changes and she wants you one card. And it's not going to change. So Darryira, what do you want? What patterns are repeating for you?

Have you find yourself settling in relationships that don't work for you? Was this something that was modeled in your home perhaps growing up where you're someone settled for something? Usually it goes back and back, but what do you want right now? What do you need?

Because people don't change your 60 out, and how old she is, but we don't change that much. Especially now. Like, you should have be with someone who appreciates you, who tells you you, you look sexy and they initiate and they make you feel good in these basic ways that you need.

If I didn't have a part of the Gimme words of affirmation or touch me, I'd be out. So you knew what you need, Daryl. But what are you gonna do one thing different in your relationship? What can you do tonight? That's different. The night I can start by saying, you know, it's not the, I don't want to say it's different. Tonight I can start by saying we know it's

I don't want to say start getting more selfish, but that might know the time. It's what it taught me. What do I want? What do I need and what can I get it? Yeah, you could say we got a month, we got to give us two months, and I'm going to write down the state. These are the things that I need.

You know, and you can't be to, you wouldn't say to her like, you got to stop, stop, stop. No one hears of that, but we would say, I think we need to have an honest talk about our relationship. I want it to be healthy and I want to figure out, it seems like it's been very contentious. I'm not getting my needs met. You don't see it happy, whatever.

And here's what needs to change. Otherwise, I think we both need to find partners that make us the most satisfied. Now, she starts yelling and screaming. Then you got to go back to therapy if you still wanna make it work or you leave. Cause it's, you know, try to have a healthy conversation

without blaming or shaming and putting anyone on the defensive. That's your assignment. Thanks, Darryl. Thanks for calling. Let's love it. Let's love it. Let's love it.

Let's love it. Let's love it. Let's love it. Let's love it. Let's love it. Let's love it. Let's love it. Let's love it. Let's love it. today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily.

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