Sex With Emily - Retreating to the Bedroom with Pamela Madsen

Episode Date: April 8, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by founder of Back to the Body sensuous retreats Pamela Madsen to talk about the retreat that she actually went on! The two discuss how to have one way touch and not feel guilty about it, give a little lesson in practicing “outercourse,” and a few fun and sexy games to do at home that will definitely spice things up in the bedroom as well as feeling some untapped pleasure. Plus, Dr. Emily shares her own personal experience doing the retreat!Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more on Pamela Madsen, visit https://backtothebody.org/ For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily on today's show. I'm joined by founder back to the body, sent to his retreats, Pamela Matzen. Talk about their treat that I actually went on. That's how I went first hand to one of her retreats, so I could gain more knowledge and pass it to you. Top of include, how to have one way touch, and not feel guilty about it. This is a big one. A little lesson in practicing, out of course. Fun and sexy games do at home that will definitely spice things up in the bedroom as well as feeling some untapped pleasure and my own personal experience from the retreat. All this and more, thanks for listening. A slice of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions.

Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The world's got everything. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Oli?

What do you mean, like, laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I feel so grown. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information check out sexwithemily.com. Got lots of blogs and posts on the site to help you better sex. Sex with Emily across the board is social media. Follow us there. I'm doing a lot more live chats for you

so I can help you guys with everything going on right now. I understand that a lot of us are in tough times. We all are rice-flated, either with a partner or a loan. How do we cope right now? I got you. Integends with Emily. So I'm going to start off by setting intention for each show.

I do that. I'd love you to do the same. So what do you mean is when you're listening? Think about. What do I want to get out of listening this episode? Like how could it help me? It could be, wow, Emily, one way touch. Yeah, I want to figure out how to receive pleasure

without having to worry about my partner all the time. Or Emily, you talked about this retreat. I wanna hear what happened. My intention is to show you that we're never done learning, no matter where you work, no matter what you do, but to come to sex and relationships, you're not lost causes.

We can always find ways to find, to get the pleasure that we deserve. Okay, so Pam and Mattsin is the founder and CEO back to the body. They're sent to his retreats for women. So essentially, she gives women permission to have pleasure. They deserve that they're capable of in a safe space surrounded by the power of sisterhood. I actually came to Hawaii for one of these retreats, and it was quite the experience. So I wanted to have her talk with me, explain a little bit more about it, why it was so

healing and eye opening. And this was an Instagram live that had so much information. I just wanted to bring it all to you on the podcast. So enjoy the show. Camelaw! Peppery! What up? Hi!

Hi honey. Thank you everybody who's been so patient. So patient. But people's messages are funny. They're like what else do we got to do? Right. That's a true story. But what else do you have to do? And they're waiting on these two hot chats. We're going to talk about sexuality retreats. And why were both talking about me? We're when it can come to come back to all of their body. Yes. Every inch, every little thing. Every inch.

Into our body's Pamela. Every inch. I mean, I'm so fortunate for that I know you that you're in my life for so many reasons. The most immediate working backwards is during this awful time in the world, um, if you got to be quarantined somewhere, it's not so bad to be in Maui. No, it's not so bad to be in Maui.

Though I both say that it was better. It was better in our bubble. It was better in our bubble, and then they took away our pool here. I know people are like, oh, I'm so sad for you right now. I am so sad, but we did have a pool and there's an ocean and we're not allowed to swim in it.

So we have some of the ocean? No, they won't let us swim in the ocean or go in the pool. It's kind of like denial, right? It's like orgasm denial. It's like orgasm denial, but it's an orgasm denial. I can't decide what to do. It's ocean and pool denial.

Like there it is. You feel the yearning and it whispers to you. It says, come, come Pamela, come to the ocean, come and I go to the edge and I'm ready to jump in. And then there's a sign that says, you, if you go in, you will get a fine the Cody, yeah, I'll be exported, exported. Hopefully I'm not wanting to be exported right now back in New York, where I live, which is apparently the

epicenter of everything. That's why we're here because New York is the epicenter and Los Angeles is the next one. So we're just like let's stay in Maui. We were in a really good mindset. We got off of our treat. I was in a retreat for a week with Pamela. I went to one of her back to the body retreats. And yeah, we came out of our little like orgasmic pleasure bubble

that we were all in. And the world has, it's gotten to be a really tricky place. And so we're going to, I figured, and the mindset that I was in after attending your retreat was such that I feel very embodied. I feel very grounded. You look beautiful. Thank you. I believe it all started at your retreat. And I really love that. I love you too, Pamela.

And I mean, I want to tell people just joining us. Thank you everybody for like coming back. But so, Pam, if they just, I want to, you know, your founder, the CEO and founder of Back to the Body. They can find it back to the body.org. And essentially, your retreats give women permission to be in their bodies in a safe place and have pleasure that you deserve and they're capable of. And I think a lot of us, a lot of women don't realize our capacity for pleasure, our potential for pleasure.

And my reason for going is, first off, I have several friends who are also sex like my friend Pam Kasta and Dolly had been. And then I met you and I was like, this is pretty fabulous. I think I want to try it. And we tried to schedule it a few times. And I just feel like the universe was like, this is the time to go. And it was the perfect time to be here with you in Maui. And I feel like I was just going over my notes

because there's so much happened. And since it's been so crazy, I haven't had a lot of time. I mean, I've been processing it, so I was doing my journal. And some things that I wrote down, Pamela, was that when I first got there, so we were in Maui,

and this is, you guys have to check out Pamela, and you can check out it back to thebody.org. The things that I wrote down was that what I think could be really relevant also to everyone who's home right now in quarantine, because we've been getting so many messages from people who are just like, they don't have desire, they're bored, they're scared, they're anxious, and all these things couples are together,

they're thinking, well, gosh, if they had problems with their sex life before and they weren't turned on right now, anxiety is a huge killer of our sex drive and stress. And I was going back to something that you said on the very first day of our back to the body retreat was that women, just you know, had our sexual relationships, this happens in all relationships that we are robbed of our right to experience arousal. And the average couple, couple you did you talked about the seven minutes to warm up and you made your toes take longer but you're sex for seven minutes it's sex is over for the average couple but what about a rousal what about turning ourselves on like let's talk about a

rousal and some of the blocks women have for a rousal I think the biggest block is that women are frightened to take time because if their guy starts to get excited and starts pushing in and pushing in and pushing in and wanting more and more, women tend to want to meet their partner where they are because women are incredible service animals, like n-support animals and servers. And so we feel we use the man's erotic system as the barometer of how ours should be. And what's true is it actually should be the other way around.

Right. Because women are slower, generally speaking, women take longer to come into full delicious arousal. And most women have never experienced it because they are so concerned about the time. And so I'm taking too long. I'm a big job. He's getting bored. Well, what if he's not getting bored, ladies? And what is you guys who are out there? So, ladies, give him some encouragement. Like, yes, baby, that feels so good. More, more. Oh, you know, I'm loving this. Say they're longer, that we need to find your voices, women. We need to actually take up space erotically.

And what we do back to the body and what you experience Emily is teaching women how to ask for more. And to give them the experience with the trained practitioner who is there simply to be of service, they keep their clothes on, guys, so don't get worried. There's no intercourse happening or oral sex. The guys keep their clothes on.

General touch their club. This is a profession. It's a profession. I think they've explained that. Yeah, I was on Adam Corolla's podcast yesterday. It just came out today, everyone. He could check out, I was explaining to him about it. And he was like, what do you mean?

So let's start with that explaining what the prep, because I was there. There was 18 women. We were in a beautiful bubble and 11 practitioners and there's men and women and men are let's go. Let's talk about what they do. You're saying that wearing their clothes. It's not How do you explain it? So these are practitioners and they are trained in the art of touch They're actually also trained in the art of giving presence and attention and listening to women. And we work on massage tables and it's also done in sisterhood.

We are with lots of other women and you are with female, we call safe courts, coordinators psychotherapists, sex educators or women supporting the bubble. And the first thing is helping women put down their hyper vigilance. Because women are always thinking that the guy wants more week or they may be feeling frightened, but they may be expected to perform for the man. And with somatic sex education, the emphasis is simply on the woman learning how to receive pleasure for extended periods of time because most women really sound weird. We don't know how to accept pleasure for extended periods of time. Exactly. We're like, is it over? Like the hyper-vigilance thing is like the reason why like women

we have such capacity for pleasure and we don't know because we're worried they don't really want to be pleasing us. We don't even know what to ask for. We have this idea in our head that orgasm looks a certain way and then it just goes right into penetration. So you're so right in that hyper vigilance. We talked a lot about that on the back of the body of the trick. Can you explain that a little bit more? I love how you go into that. Sure. So women generally speaking, if you are a female body person walking around, you know, there's, there, you may have had trauma. You may, you know, I don't, you know, I'm not pushing this, but there's this trauma with the

capital T. You could have had some kind of sexual abuse in your life. And so when you react accordingly to the wolf whistle or being eyeballed or approached aggressively in a bar. And so they're always sort of, you know, they want to look pretty. will whistle or being eyeballed or approach aggressively in a bar. And so they'll always sort of, they want to look pretty, we want to look pretty, but we're also scared of our prettiness. Right.

Because somebody may come after us. And so in order for women to really open and really learn how to accept pleasure and really source their pleasure, they have to stop worrying that something's gonna happen to them. That they're safe. And then women's lives can help close to bake that by assuring their women that, you know what, I really want to give you a breast massage tonight. Nothing more.

Right. Just a breast massage and keep your word, even if you get a heart on or, you know, you're like, keep your word. I'm just going to do a breast massage for you tonight and earn your woman's trust so she can put down for hypervigilance that something else is always going to be at always at right we gotta make it yeah like like you're gonna give you a massage and then I have to give you a blowjob and then make you dinner and then clean up the laundry and then do all these things. So I'd rather just not have sex or not have touched because we always feel like we're gonna have to deliver. And it's so hard for women.

Even myself that I learned, like, it's really hard just to receive pleasure without being like, what do you need for me? What do you need for me? And so, yeah, how many shoulder rubbs have you gotten? That was a guy coming behind you to give you a shoulder rub, which was their way of honestly, I'm going to say this kind of rudely, to get in your pants. Well, that's so kind of shoulder rub just be a shoulder rub. So women are already trained that the shoulder rub means that something else is going to happen.

So what happens at back to the body is we actually take the possibility of touching back away. Sorry ladies, you may not touch back. This is not a touch back, you know, program. This is a program where you learn to receive pleasure in your bodies through one way

touch where you can learn to explore what turns you on. Women find out things. We had a woman, a very sophisticated woman, and she was 50. She never had an orgasm before. She had her first one, it back to the body. Women are ejaculating for the first time,

it back to the body. Why? Because they're given enough time to receive. And they also don't have to take care of things around them. You didn't have to feed yourself. Well, you did before, you know, but we cooked for the women. There's other activities and workshops and dances and fun and art and various things. to a woman holding women before and after, sharing after care with each other and experiences to the women and the practitioners that have meld into this beautiful little love pot that has a beginning, a middle, and an end. After the retreat is over, all contact ends with the practitioners. Right. And after the sessions. So you went and you had your 90 minute session Emily and then you went to

lunch and all the breakfast there having burgers. Exactly. It's so unclavable for people to be like, how could you receive touch and then it doesn't become sexual. They're probably going to know. I know it's really,

it's really not. So someone's asking you guys, we're going to be sitting here. I'm talking to Pamela Madsen. She's a CEO and founder back to the body.org. You want to check out her retreats for women. And it's for women if you really understand that a lot of you are home right now. They are quarantined.

They're with their partners. We're also, if you are single and you are, you're the, hate the word single. You're quarantined by yourself right now. We're also Pamela. I want to get into dirty talk too. I want to get into how to communicate better with your partners because I think a lot of us are trying to figure that out. But what we're talking about specifically is giving women permission to receive, to be in our bodies and to understand our arousal. If you are home right now, you're quarantined with your

partner and you're like, I'm not moved for sex, I'm not stressed out. Like Pamela always says, it might mean that you have low libido, you have high boredom, even in this time of quarantine. How can you figure out what you actually need? And so what we're talking about here is that for many women, I'm going to say what we just talked about is that we actually don't even know because we've never given our self time to figure out what does turn me on. What does feel good?

Oh, and then we, and because the way it's oriented and especially in heterosexual relationships, you partner with a penis gets turned on like that. They see you walk in your day of an erection. We are not there yet, but we kind of go through the motions and we prematurely pat it, allow for premature penetration. So the penis, but we are not turned on. We're not aroused. So what I learned on this retreat is ways to really slow down and figure out how do I get turned on and maybe is and people have time right now at home to say you know what babe tonight I'm going to give you a massage for 20 minutes and that's it. I'm going to get you and if it turns into something else by your consent and you said you know what babe after that 20 minute shoulder rub I actually consent to more right now but maybe just learning how to receive and get into our bodies could be enough to

Reeky that with our partners. It can be a great act to fight. I have some ideas, Emily. Yes. First of all, I want to let people know that tomorrow, if they go to my Instagram, which is at the Pamela, Madison. I think that's what it is at the Pamela, Madison. Go to my link tree. There's Diggle Wiggles, Moons and Grounds, and Court Box, the Body Box and I, I find a livestream, a livestream, Clay Shop for couples. With her clothes on, and we're gonna be exploring

like, what do you find around your house that you can play with with sensation toys and you you were there for our fantasy demo You've seen that we're doing the fantasy demo. Oh, it's so smart I love that three and that's tomorrow and you can you can register it register for it at the panel of Mads And go to my link tree. It's the first one another idea So that can get you inspired. Yeah, that's good. Tomorrow, okay, what time is it at?

You know what, I'm gonna scare you, you're gonna ask me that question. I'm so concerned about it. I'm done. I'll post it too. But I think that it would be 5 p.m. and 8 p.m. 5 p.m. Easter Standard Time 8 p.m. Pacific Time 8 p.m. Easter Standard Time, but please just go at the time. 8 PM, I mean 5 PM, the simple time.

8 PM is the standard time. But please just go to the link. It is tomorrow. It will be free. We this is a second one we did. We did one two days ago and what people were so excited about. We had a woman who actually said that she ejaculated energetically with no hands just watching.

So what better than Netflix? Oh my God, yeah. So we were just checking that out. But I think another great idea for people who are just beginning a wanna restart their relationship. You know, I love massage tables. You may not have one at home. If you wanna spend a hundred bucks Amazon delivers,

or work in your bed, and I'm recommending that people who haven't been touching a lot start with their clothes on. Okay, I love it. I love it. This is for everyone at home during quarantine right now. Yes, don't get your clothes on. Start with clothes on. I'm giving you and we call it radically informed touch and we're going to be devouring that.

A radically informed touch. That means that I'm not going to go right to your genitals. Okay. I'm going to give you a sensuous full body massage. I'll do, you know, about dry bites. So I'll go in your inner thigh and maybe over your your general area, but I'm not going to actually work on stimulating you so directly. And we're going to try to build a rouse all and a rouse that can't be depressing. So if you're feeling sad, it's going to make you feel better. And you can start to play with each other, but no sex, even though it's sex with Emily,

it's playing with sex. No, it's not traditional sex. Right. It's playing with what I like to call out of course. A lot of out of course. And I think a lot of us love out of course, but we are told by society that it's all about penis goes in vagina or penetration.

But for women out of course, is a way to touch all these other Roger's zones that could really bring us pleasure that we never even get to explore. I love it. I guess what? Guess what you guys listening in. I'm talking to you.

You may not even know how hot your armpit is. How turned on you are with a fork running down your armpit or some ice or a feather? Because you're so in a rush to, we love to say the F word on this. Yes, yes. So it's a rush to fuck. And then it's over. Okay, it's like having a bruski and a fuck and a nap. Like, you've got time. You're, you are with your woman. You know, why don't we allow her to also give you expanded a rouse all. Right. Exactly. So we're talking about ways to tea. What about like, so what I love this, we're talking about, and people can see this tomorrow that we did this exercise when they were everyone it brings three inanimate objects from our home. And I realize that things could become thing anything could be like I brought like a toothpick I bought a makeup brush, Stephanie Joe, brought a makeup brush and put it over my skin. It was like it felt so nice just. It was like a rouse. So there's different things around your home that you can use to tease each other and it feels great for everybody.

Men, women, all the places, all the things. All the places. Yeah, and I think that's what we really need now is we need more a rouse and touch. And so, and going back to the thing earlier, I think a lot of couples just forget intimacy and they forget touch because every time the partner does come up behind them and give them a massage touch their face They're like oh that means sex intercourse has to happen So I feel like this thing of bringing touch back where we have time on our hands You're gonna get yours everyone's gonna get their pleasure and their orgasm Let's take time reconnecting and I like the idea of maybe taking sex off the table and of course And just rebuilding member at the beginning of maybe taking sex off the table in a course and just rebuilding. Remember at the beginning of your relationship when everything was so hot and everything

was so sexy, this is the time you can stir all that up again and make it happen at home. You know, I was a kindergarten teacher. And so everything is why we get along so well because sometimes I feel like I need that kind of help. Right. So the hardest part, the biggest problem with sex is that we take it way too seriously. Sex is play.

And to bring the playback, and yes, you do have time now, but you didn't have before. So take it slow. And you know, one thing I love that some of the practitioners were doing at the this last retreat was they would like to leave you a little notes. They were saying a note for their, the woman that was their client. So you're a team, so people understand.

You're a team at the retreats with one practitioner for the entire retreat. So you build a relationship, you get to know each other very, very well. And it starts before the retreat when they do anything great and they get to know you. Okay, we're going to take a quick break. And I just want to thank everyone for supporting our sponsors. They are still in business. They're still shipping you toys and services that you might need right now. They're helping us keep the show on the air and they're you're helping them. So we're all in this together. I'm gonna take quick break. We can back more with Pamela Matson. Question.

So, you know, think about how do you even sex with each other in the same house? Well, I love and I have to, I really learned from my practitioners. Okay, this was not innate for me. I got simulated around, I had a session with court. He re-stimulated this part of my brain. And you can do this with your other home. He left a note for me. And the note had instructions.

So if you're in the same house, like leave a note, whether you're the man or the woman who's ever wanting to initiate the play, leave a note. Like how the note, you're gonna have to like compare a little bit to how the note say something like meet me, you know, in the garage at 8 p.m., we're a bathroom. Right.

And then with your rhymes, there could be a platter and it could have a special juice and a chocolate and something else and more instructions. You know, drink the juice, savor the taste, put the chocolate in your mouth, let it melt. Notice the blindfold, put it on. Wait for me. Now, in the scene that was created for me, there was a crop and it had a feather at one end and leather the other and it said, the crop has both ends. You know, choose the one you want. Now, that's a, you know, yeah, Emily, very hot, okay? Very hot. And so you can create these scenes in your house. You could run a bath.

You could even know, saying meet me in the bathroom at three o'clock and be naked. Be prepared to receive pleasure. And build the anticipation. Make a note that says do not open until 6 a.m. tomorrow morning. And then make this person like, wait with that note. Yes, and with the point of having a rouse of, that's it. A rouse of, you know, we all think it's about orgasm.

So the best orgasm happens after a lot of a rouse of, you want your man or your woman to scream and pleasure? Well, baby, baby, baby, you gotta arouse them with their mind, with anticipation, with touch. Yeah. What do you think of it? I think so too. I mean, I mean, if you guys all think of it, if you're in a relationship now or you're with somebody that desire the teasing before you actually are with them. It was that was the exciting part. People are like, I want to get back to when I the first three months, it was so beginning. It's because everything became very wrote every day was the same. Well, now I'm naked. You're naked. Repenetrate.

We roll over and we watch Netflix. Like, like, it's so boring. But right now, right now is the, is the time that we can bring it back. And you do that by building it up again. Go back to how it was at the beginning. So yeah, like don't allow the clothes to pop right away. Make out, tease each other like when you first met,

find out new things like, hey babe, like have conversations about like the first time you had sex. What was the sexiest time you've been together? Tell me in your voice, like what are the hottest moments we've ever had sex? Have your partner write that to your text that do people are asking about sexing right now too? So you could easily verbally tell your partner to be like, I remember the the first time we were together and I saw you and we knew that

was the night it was all going to happen and you came over to my house and you brought me those delicious chocolates and then you fed them to me and I had the candles going and I was playing in our favorite playlist and you slowly and dressed me as you fed me chocolate and it was so hot like so hot made you so razz used descriptive used descriptive words and like explain things each other you could do this over text you could do this in person and I think once we relive sexual fantasies or memories of things we've done together, that can be part of it going back to that time

or building new memories. Like the old memories that were built new ones and that can bring you right back to the positive memories. Yeah. Absolutely. I'm gonna tell one of the things, so that's one way and I love doing sexual histories

together because reminding each other I'm going to tell one of the things, so that's one way, and I love doing sexual histories together, because reminding each other of your couple sexual history. And then taking the risk of what's apart of time before I met you, what's apart of time before I met you, there was this man, or what's apart of time before I met you there was this woman. And you know, being brave about talking about things that you did in the past or a make-believe story and playing with fantasy and again we'll keep that, we'll keep how to do this tomorrow

night. But another thing is what if we stop talking? Like what if we decide that we're gonna do a touch exercise with each other with no words? Can you do that? I have a hard time not talking. I might need to put a bag, a mouse gag, I got a small bag, but yeah, I could totally do it. And then you're just looking into other's eyes and you're just, you're actually feeling,

you actually have to be more embodied when you're not talking about it. And you're not talking game. I was gonna give it a couple of fun games. How's that going? Let's do some fun games. Yeah. Okay, another fun game at home is, so there's a not talking, okay,

we all know about the talking and being directive and using our voice and making sounds and telling people what we want. Another experience is to say you're going to intentionally be still. Can you be intentionally still while receiving pleasure? It's a very different experience. And especially if you're part, again, you're not just playing dead, but you're part, they know that you're not going to move now.

You're going to move now. You're going to just really receive this pleasure. It's a really fun game to play. Another really fun game to play is, can you hear a lot of touch while dancing, moving, and making sounds, and it's all can happen in your living room. I know, right?

We can all do this in our, but this is the thing when it wants the kids go to sleep or if no kids are at home, set a new environment. I think the other reason we get so bored with our sex life is we're having sex in the same way, in the same place, in the same bed, like especially now, we're so tired of our homes. I like the idea of the garage, like get some nice sounds.

Yeah. Do something different, like get outside your comfort zone, create a different environment, different space for you guys to turn each other on. So. And really, invest in a massage table. I have no stock in massage tables, but massage tables are one of the greatest sex stories ever, because able to tie each other up to a massage table,

you are able to really get to all the parts. You can climb on top of a massage table with the top of your partner. It gives you a lot of ability to move. And again, Amazon will deliver, they'll leave the box outside your door. You can wipe it down and you're gonna surprise your partner.

The kids on the box, I love that, Pema. I didn't get it as much until back to the body of the tree. How much the massage table is a, is a game changer because you're, you can put sheets down, you're out of your bed and like it's such a great way to actually receive the touch to trade it back and forth to be like, now's your time on the table, now's my time on the table. And it's really hot to this new place. And another thing people can do is what about working with a sex coach with your partner while you're home? Let's talk about that.

You know, I mean, that's available. I know that that's the bodies are free, that it's not on the website yet, but where you can coach and work with a sex educator online, you know what I mean? Just doing it to do it twice or do it once. That's something exciting and fun to do. To work with a male and female sex educator or a male

or female, you know, we're offering both, you know, couples, and could that be exciting for you? To talk about sex with a sex educator with your partner. Right. You're going to explore that. It's like a business coach for like a sex coach for your sex life. It's like how you can do that you can do from home. And you know, yes, I run retreats and they're travel retreats and I love that you were

there and you've got to experience what it was as a woman to completely drop into your body and the retreats are continuing and we'll be starting up again in June. Okay, and they're online that people can find them, but meanwhile you can make a pleasure plant and and plan for anticipation for later, but there are things that you can be doing at home with each other. Right. And with your own body. Yeah, let's, so there are things someone just said, and I think this is really important. Jan, I think her name is Jan and Instagram. She said, expand on sharing

past experiences because we were saying that sometimes narrating our past sexual experiences can be really hard for a partner. But I also want to clear, I want people to clarify with their partner because some people have a really hard time hearing about past lovers. Before you start talking about like, can sense, are you okay hearing this? I recommend not talking about the partner's body type or shape or what, like what the size was or where, even the partner's name, but maybe an experience that you enjoyed because for some partners with like jealous, they never get that out of their head. And I think it

takes a certain maturity, emotional maturity and a relationship for people to be able to handle that. But I have found that with lovers of mind that our mature it's really hot for us both to kind of hear about past experiences. But again, that's not for everybody. It is not for everybody, even as I was sharing it, I was glad. Well, maybe I should do a warning sign around. Right. But I think telling stories also like writing your own erotica, even I have a listener, I've heard a bird, he called in serious few months in and he said that he decided to write a rod, he wrote out his fantasy that he wanted, that he pictured his wife, like it was like,

I come home and you're wearing that black sexy thing that you love and you're lying on the couch and you've got the toys all charged and it was like this beautiful, like really sexy thing. So he sent it to her, she read it, he came off and she acted out everything, like really sexy things. So he sent it to her. She read it. He came on from work and she acted out everything, like that he said. And then they've been exchanging erotic

back and forth. And I'm like, that is so hot because sometimes we just want to be knowing. I want to be told what to do. Like I'm a submissive. And every area in my life, I'm dominant, but tell me what's hot, right? And if I don't agree, I won't do everything.

But I just think these are things that we can do at home now, using the top of the written word or audio. Tell your partner what you want and send it to in a voice demo. Like there's so many ways. And you know, I have another fun game, one another fun game, one more,

one more for you guys. I have one more fun game. I don't know if I shared this on one of our previous conversations or not. So you may not be able to do this at a store, but you can do this. So I normally send a couple to a store to do this, but you may not be shopping right now in stores.

So you open up each of you have you computers, and you sit opposite each other, and you fill your carts with sex toys, porn, or rata, stuff that turns you on that maybe you never felt safe enough to talk about. Maybe. Okay. Show you switch laptops and you show each other your shopping cart. Then you each buy three toys from the other person's shopping cart.

Have it delivered, wipe it down. Right. Wipe it down. And that may open up a whole new time. That's great for you and your partner. And if you are single, oh, we don't like that word. If you are a person. I just made it up to that.

Like, single feels so, like I hate it. Party for one. I love being it up to that. Like single feels so that I hate it. Party for one. I love being an independent woman on my own. So I don't know. I want to rebrand everything to do with dating and sex, but because this is a time. This is a time to buy some new sex toys. Yeah.

I was going to say go to good vibes. Good vibes.com. But anyway, on my website, sexwithemily.com, if you go to our shop page, you've got a bunch of toys there and products while they are still shipping. And I love the idea, but you can just buy games, you can buy sex games. Maybe you want to begin your bondage kit.

Maybe you want some lube and go shopping and exchange cards. The other thing I love right now is making a sexual bucket list where you eat right down three things you want to try and you exchange the list. And you're like, well, you know, oh, I didn't know that you wanted to be spanked. I've been wanting to spank you. We're like, great.

Like then you get to do that now. We just, I think what we're saying is there's so many of ways to facilitate these conversations, which it's just so hard for people to do on their own just to be like, babe, this is what I want. I want you to spank me or I want you to, you know know I don't know what top 30 to me or I want you to use a paddle like we just have to start hard time so these are just great conversation starters. And I love that you know here's the thing too about all everything to do a sex.

You know when people think about coming to about to the body retreat, some women are saying, well, I'm not broken. I have a orgasm. Why would I go to a sensuality retreat for women? Well, guess what? Sex with Emily went. You know how many well-known sex educators have come? And that's because we have women who've had sexual trauma. We have women who can't find their orgasm, but you sex goddesses out there.

There's more. Well, let me tell you about my experience. I haven't talked. So my experience was I, I, because I always want to deepen my knowledge and of sex and what I can experience and be more embodied, even though, you know, I would do this for 15 years, I always can't show up wherever I go to learn with a beginner's mind. I mean, think about it.

Sex is like, if you're a chef, I believe you're never done learning new recipes. You always learn different ways to cook. One day you might cook for vegan, you cook, you cook for like keto, you cook whatever. I feel like sex is the same thing. So I showed up and said, yeah, I, in the years I've been doing this,

I now can have many orgasms. And I know my body pretty well, but what I got out of it, and there's a many things is we should do part two of this, is that what I learned was, first off, I still have a challenge asking for what I want. I still have moments where I'm like, this doesn't feel good. I want that. So I caught myself caught up with like, oh my god, I tell people this all the time and I have to take a moment and be like, wait, this particular touch didn't feel good and this is what I want. And I

still have this. And it really set me off thinking like, I'm such a pleaser. And it's so hard for me to think that I'm going to disappoint people. Even somebody who's there to please me if you're the president. that I'm going to disappoint people, even somebody who's there to please me if you're the pregnant person. Right. I know. He's not there. He's not there for his pleasure. I don't see his penis.

He's got clothes on. And I'm still worrying about disappointing him. And that is his job. So that was really big for me. I'm like, where else in my life am I not able to say that I want this and not that? The other thing that was really big for me was, so I can have pleasure, right? I can have orgasms. I can have multiple orgasms. But what I realize is I would have pleasure, right? I can have orgasms. I can have multiple orgasms.

But what I realized is I would have this incredible experience I would have in orgasm. And then I'm already onto the next one. I'm onto the next, I'm onto the next. And what I realized is that there's this, what I talked about, my practitioner with Cosmos that there's this space in between the orgasm. There's a pause, the moment where I rush through to the next thing,

I don't have a lot of patience in life, I always want to go to the next. And so learning to be comfortable with space and time and pause was really big for me. And to savor the moment, and it was a big awakening for me because I do that in every area of my life. I hate a certain goal with work and I want to go to the next goal.

I hate the certain piece of success and I just want the next thing. And while I intellectually understand that, I'm like, oh, I need more time for integration. I was also doing with sex. I was doing with orgasm and I realized that the more I slow down and make time to savor the moment after the orgasm or after pleasure or after something great happens, it's really the moment where things do become more integrated. And I'm able to experience more pleasure.

And then the next thing is that much more exciting and pleasurable when you are able to slow down and be more present. And that's great for me. That self-knowledge with you to your lovers. Yep. I'm going to bring that to my lovers, absolutely. And I realize to my life, and I realize the other thing I realized there was the reason

why it's so hard for me to be present in moments that are pleasurable, that are full of pleasure or pain, is an experience growing up of realizing that attachment. It's like an attachment style that if I get too comfortable in this moment, it's gonna end, I'm gonna have loss, I'm gonna have pain, I'm gonna have to feel trauma. And so, I'm realizing that's an old pattern and that there's a certain joy

just sitting with every emotion, whether it's pleasure or pain. That's so beautiful. And thank you for sharing that. It's vulnerable to share our personal stories. I just think it's just so important that women understand and the partners understand that there's always more, that sex obstacles can always be moved,

that many women, including all of us like high powered well-known sex educators, there's always more for us too. There's always more growth and the more we allow ourselves, the time, the space to receive and explore ourselves, the more erotic the more pleasure and the better we'll get at relationship with ourselves and with others because there's always more these kinds of programs are there for people who are just figuring themselves out and they're also important for the rock stars of erotic of the erotic world. Well yeah I mean it's like and I still was like learning more about my body too so I important for the rock stars of a Rodic of the Rodic world.

Well, yeah, I mean, it's like, and I still was like learning more about my body too. So I think you're never done. We talked about the pleasure ceiling. And so I just want to say, yeah, thank you Pam, look for the incredible experience of being on back to the body. I look forward to to continuing and seeing you more. And

I'm so happy that that people now I hope they'll check out all of your stuff that you're doing it back to the body that Oregon on your Instagram. And I think we can just continue to keep talking. There was so much I'm so happy that people now, I hope they'll check out all of your stuff that you're doing at BackToTheBody.org and on your Instagram. And I think we can just continue to keep talking. There was so much that I learned. So thank you, Pamela.

And I hope that you'll work. Take the moment and register for a play shop tomorrow because it's free. It's a free play shop. It's a free play shop and it's in court now. And it's so sexy and so fun. And if you are a man or a woman watching alone, you will have a yummy time. And if you're with your partner, I think you'll have a great time to relax.

You'll get excited. And then maybe you'll do a little play at home. So they can do it. You're on your own night so they can do it with their partners and watching. They can do it with their partners. Yeah. So smart.

Okay. Everyone should check that out. And also Pamela, thank you for for the organization that you run and all your do it with their partners and what they can do with the partners. Yeah. That's so smart. Okay. Everyone should check that out. And also Pamela, thank you for the organization that you're running. All your incredible practitioners and your staff. It was just a

A. A. And it was just so much love and I feel like I'm really well poised right now to be here in Maui and help the world with all of their stuff because I'm going to say. And we're not stopping.

So our not is in June and there are six more in this calendar year. So hopefully by June, that we treat us by the way, almost told that women are still buying the treats. They are still planning for their pleasure. And so you can speak to one of our folks, just go on and get a consultation.

We'll help you out. During this time of uncertainty, we are staying in with no promise. And we will help you out. During this time of uncertainty, we are staying in with our promise and we will help you. So just just join us Emily. Thank you. Thank you Pamela. I love you. And maybe we could meet up somewhere. Yeah, let's come up. Let's meet up. We're like staying out. Okay. Bye bye. I love you. Bye Pamela. Thank you all for listening and supporting the show. That's awesome. And thank you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love email me feedback at sexwithemlite.com