Sex With Emily - Rewire Your Brain For Better Sex

Episode Date: June 12, 2026

What if you've been measuring your sex life all wrong? In this episode, I explore why sexual satisfaction is about so much more than orgasms, performance, or how often you have sex. Together, we'll discuss how mindfulness, self-awareness, emotional connection, and open communication can help you create deeper pleasure and more fulfilling intimacy. I'll also share ways to let go of shame, strengthen your connection with yourself and your partner, and redefine what satisfaction truly means. Whether you're single or partnered, this conversation will help you build a sex life that feels more authentic, connected, and pleasurable. ABOUT EMILY: Emily Morse is a Doctor of Human Sexuality, author and host of the #1 rated Sex with Emily podcast. Known as a renowned sexologist, Dr. Emily has helped millions of people around the world navigate their sex lives. Her candid and often funny conversations challenge cultural taboos, misinformation and awkward sex talks to create a future where people can deeply connect and embrace pleasure-filled lives. Because, life is too short for bad sex.  CONNECT WITH EMILY: Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sexwithemily/  X: https://twitter.com/sexwithemily  Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/sexwithemily  TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sexwithemily  Threads: https://www.threads.net/@sexwithemily WANT MORE? Visit the Website: https://sexwithemily.com/ which includes FREE guides. Free Downloadable Guides: https://sexwithemily.com/guides/  Text With Me: https://sexwithemily.com/text  Receive Sex Tips On The Regular: https://sexwithemily.com/subscribe  Interested in 1:1 Coaching with Emily? Go to http://sexwithemily.com/coaching to apply!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Society believes that you should always want sex, and that is a lot of pressure. Here's how most people define sexual satisfaction. It's a little bit more simple, a little bit more outcome-driven. Way more centered on orgasm, performance, and frequency. Mindfulness has been shown to increase sexual desire, arousal, and even performance anxiety. The next time, you're in the moment, you're having sex. Please try to slow down and savor every second. You're going to get bored.

You're doing the same. I mean, I get bored. I get bored with my job. I get bored with doing the same things all the time. But with sex or working out or things I do with friends or things I do for fun, I need a little bit of variety. Okay, so if you've been listening to this show for a while, you know I'm not about random sex toys or gimmicks. I'm about tools that actually support your pleasure, your communication, and your connection. That's exactly why we created the Shop Sex with Emily store. Everything in there is curated by me and my team. And these are products I trust. I recommend to clients. And would tell my friends about. I do tell my friends about. It's what I talk about all the time. Whether you're exploring solo pleasure,

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Joe flavored lube, we vibe touch, clitoral vibrators. There's just so many things on there because pleasure shouldn't be confusing. It should feel empowering. You can check it out at shop. sex withemily.com and find something that supports where you are right now

or just click the link in the show notes. Also, keep an eye out for curated collections coming soon. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-533. 1, 2,600 to speak to an advisor free of charge. BetMGEM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming, Ontario.

Hi, everybody. So glad everybody is here. How y'all doing? We've got some amazing brain in Los Angeles today. I love it. So it's so calming. So let's get started. Pleasure begets, pleasure.

What does that mean? It means, well, first, the more pleasure we have in our life, the more pleasure we're going to attract. So the more we prioritize a pleasurable life, make time for things that make us feel good, things that are just for us, things that we don't have to jump through a bunch of hoops to get,

things that are based on conditions. I only get to see a friend if I've worked for 12 hours or I only get that dessert if I worked out. You know what I mean? The more we actually do things, it makes us feel good, we get more of it. Pleasure Begets Pleasure. But also it means shifting away from performance and expectations and moving towards something more fulfilling when it comes to sex. And that is genuine satisfaction. So remember this, though, when we fully, fully embrace pleasure,

it's not just in the bedroom. This is the pleasure begets pleasure part. It spills over into our relationships, our confidence, our overall being. And today, we're talking about how to invite more pleasure into our lives by challenging limiting beliefs, deepening our self-awareness and creating stronger connections. So let's get started. So we're talking about redefining sexual pleasure beyond expectations and beyond performance. We're also going to talk about the importance of self-connection and individual pleasure and how to support a partner's pleasure journey without comparison and then just redefining. intimacy and satisfaction in relationships.

But what is the problem with sexual satisfaction? Here's how most people define sexual satisfaction. I know that I've certainly defined sexual satisfaction this way. Most people define it. I have some points here. We're going to compare. It's a little bit more simple, a little bit more outcome-driven, way more centered on orgasm, performance, and frequency.

Like, did I orgasm? did my partner orgasm? How often are we having sex? I can't tell you how many times people are like, we're having sex once a week. Is that okay? We're having sex once every 10 days. Did we have sex?

Was I good in bed? Did it feel exciting? Did I feel desire? Did I feel like my partner wanted me? Now, all of those things are how I think typically people, you know, you can also put in the chat here if you guys agree with that. Would you say that that is how a lot of people,

you kind of define sex? basically on orgasms, performance, you know, how frequent it happens. Many will check these boxes, though, and they still feel very unfulfilled because true sexual satisfaction goes beyond these just more surface level markers. So let's expand our definition of sexual satisfaction to include a few of these things, and I'm going to get into a deeper dive, but let me just give you an overview. and actually a way to kind of expand your mind, widen the lens of what sexual satisfaction is. It could just be physical pleasure, a range of bodily sensations, not just orgasm.

It could be emotional connection, feeling really, really close to your partner, intimate, feeling more bonded, mutual pleasure, like making sure that you both have pleasure. It could be about frequency and variety. having sex at a pace that feels exciting and fulfilling. There could be some elements of confidence and self-acceptance. You actually feel good in your body. You know, you feel good about your desires. You're okay that you have these fantasies. You're with a partner who accepts you for who you are and your fantasies.

And most importantly, you accept yourself. You're not having pain and you're not having discomfort. This is another way to find sexual satisfaction. And then you make time for the afterglow. That is connection beyond the act, feeling emotionally and physically fulfilled even after sex is over. So it's really more, as you can see, than the checklist of orgasms and frequency. It's about feeling fulfilled, respected, having boundaries, and feeling truly, truly connected in your experiences. So today I want us to just expand our understanding when we open the door to way more meaningful, pleasurable, satisfying sex.

So let's break it down. Let's start with the performance myth. A lot of us have been conditioned to think of sex as a performance with the focus on like, let me get it right. Did I have an orgasm? Did my partner have an orgasm? And a lot of us are measuring this on external standards. Does that sound familiar to anyone?

Anyone? Rather than, you know, so wait, but then we put this pressure on performance, it can lead to stress. It can lead to dissatisfaction. and ironically, less pleasure. Now, my entire sex career before I became sex with Emily 20 years ago was all based on performance. Like, I arched my back in a certain way, I made certain noises. I did the things that I knew my partner felt attractive or that I kind of guessed was what a sexy woman would do when she's in the act of sex.

Now, there is a lot of stress for women, but also when it comes to masculinity, my heart goes out to identify men, people who identify as men, because you are told that you have to always be in control, know what to do, be erect when you want to be, be turned on, always want sex, because that's what we believe about men. Society believes that you should always want sex. and that is a lot of pressure. We all put so much pressure on ourselves. And then that leads to anxiety, erectile dysfunction, premature ejaculation. Obviously, there's other factors that contribute to those scenarios, but performance anxiety

is a huge overarching problem. So sexual satisfaction isn't just about the doing. It's about feeling, you know, connecting and experiencing. and feeling. And society also, let's talk about cultural messaging around pleasure. Let's just talk what society says about pleasure for a minute. Society has a lot to say about who gets to experience pleasure and how. Some people grew up with the messaging that pleasure is given.

Like, pleasure is something that I should receive or I should be the only one giving pleasure because I feel guilty when I receive pleasure. Other people are taught that it's not. important at all, like everyone else should have pleasure, but my pleasure doesn't matter. And the reality is that it's a universal right. The reality is that pleasure is our birth rate. And so if cultural, if the culture has written your script for what pleasure actually is, today we are rewriting that script. So let's talk about the gender. We got the culture disparities. What about gender disparities in pleasure? Let's talk about the pleasure gap for a minute.

sexual encounters, men's pleasure is often prioritized over women. Now, research backs this up. Women's sexual experiences can sometimes feel like a cost, right? Like, hello, like we got pregnancy risk, we got to take birth control, rather than a source of equal enjoyment. Not to mention the orgasm and frequency that women, you know, men orgasm in most sexual encounters and women do not. And for men, again, the disparities is that men, again, they expect to know everything about sex. No one is born knowing it all,

and no one should have to pretend that they do. Instead of seeing pleasure as something to prove, let's view it as something to explore it together. I see this way too often. I see couples, like, tell me if it's relatable. I found that in relationships, there's usually one person that is in charge of the sex. life. They're the ones who are like, babe, we've got to talk about sex. We got to listen to

sex with Emily's podcast together. We got to buy the toys. We have to try this new thing. We need to have to talk about it. And then there's sometimes one partner who's like, I don't want to talk about it. If we have to talk about it, it means that there must be a problem. We shouldn't. It was great in the beginning. We don't have to talk about it. So, you know, again, I'm going to pin this to your brains right now that it is an experience that you co-create together. That is, you know, I have my five pillars of sex IQ that I talk about in my book. And that is the collaboration pillar. The pillar of collaboration is that we are all in this together

and that we should both equally be working towards a satisfying sex life. Now, if you've been here before, you know that I talk a lot about mindfulness and presence. And that's because it matters for good reasons. When we are fully, fully, fully present during intimacy, our pleasure increases. When I am present to like the sensations in my body, the connection with my partner, the breathing, the touch, you know, I'm actually in my bodies. I'm not stuck in my head. So when we're mindful and present, we're feeling it, when we're worried and disassociating is, is this right? Am I going to have an orgasm?

When are they going to have an orgasm? We are not having as much pleasure because when we have a spiking cortisol, which is when we're anxious, there's no space for pleasure to come in. so they cancel each other out. You can't receive pleasure when you're in a state of anxiety, worry, or in your head. And the science backs this up. Mindfulness has been shown to increase sexual desire, arousal, and even performance anxiety.

So the next time, you're in the moment, you're having sex, you're in an intimate moment, please try to slow down and savor every second. If you want me to clarify, I've got like I'm really excited about today's talk. So I'm going to be given you a lot, but I'm also having my eye here on the chat. So please just, if you're like, wait, say that again. I don't think we do that enough.

I don't think I, I've been trying to do that more too. Have you always found that like, I usually think I couldn't ask questions or people think it was stupid? But then lately, I'm just like, I'm going to ask. And then there's always people are like, oh, I'm so glad you asked that. Like, I'm saying a lot here. So just please, slow me down, ask a question, okay? Like, I really want us to get this. We covered the first point, which is just basically sexual pleasure beyond the expectations and beyond performance.

We've got these expectations. We've got performance anxiety. We've got performance expectations. So now let's get into self-connection and individual pleasure. How do we start redefining sexual satisfaction? Know yourself first. The first step towards more of a feeling, satisfying sex is understanding your desires. What excites you? What feels good? This is the self-nful. knowledge pillar of sex IQ are really going to be getting into the five pillars of sexual intelligence because a lot of this is important but you're like how do I focus on mindfulness but then also focus on my confidence but then also focus on my health and also focus on knowing what I like I got you but first knowing yourself first self knowledge is a huge pillar

masturbation isn't just about pleasure it's about confidence so when you explore your own body you are now gaining clarity about what you enjoy. You're making it easier to communicate your desires to your partner because you're noticing, huh, I actually like a slower touch. I like a finger. I like two fingers. We're to start with masturbation or exploring. Try some ethical porn, some erotica, role play, journaling about your fantasies.

Whatever is going to help you explore your desires in a way that feels super safe and super empowering. So that's the first step in self-rength. of connection and self-pleasure. The next one is just shame. Letting go of shame. That's one of our pleasure fees. Remember, stress, trauma, shame. Being a human is very, very complicated. And society does not make it any easier. Many of us, so many of us has internalized shame about our bodies, about our desires, about our experiences, making it really difficult to embrace pleasure. Shame lives in our bodies. We don't even realize that it's even happening or that it's there. It's a process to let go of the shame.

But if we go up an environment, we were told that it's not okay to be sexual, or I should only be giving pleasure, or no one could possibly want to go down on me. My vagina is dirty or wrong. The vagina gets terrible PR, okay? Like there's so many shame messages, shame about our body, shame about the sex, shame that we don't know more, shame that we have too much experience, less experience, all of it. And letting go of shame doesn't mean you're going to instantly love yourself. love everything about yourself, it's recognizing that you are worthy of pleasure and love

exactly as you are today. And then that self-acceptance, that is the key to deeper, more fulfilling intimacy. I can't stress that enough that like one of the greatest acts of self-love is letting go of the letting go of really what's keeping us from living, fulfilling lives. Like that is the act of self-love and self-acceptance. So at the end of the day, sexual satisfaction starts with you. And the more that you advocate for your own self-pleasure, you know, and you build self-awareness, the more you'll be able to create satisfying experiences with your partner. Now, I know I said earlier that it takes two to tango and that you're both in it together,

but there is this individual work that needs to happen first. So even if you're in a relationship, take that bath, take that time. Side note, I've been incorporating baths into my life. I didn't have a bath for like, I don't know why my last few homes just didn't have baths. And now I have this tub. And sometimes instead of showering, I'm just taking like a 10 minute bath. And it completely calms my nervous system. It starts off my day, ends my day better.

And it's also a great place to like masturbate. When you get out of the bath, your body's in a calmer place. You are releasing the day. So that could be a great way, even if you're in a relationship to take time for yourself. but you know how to make that space in time. So number three step here in creating sexual satisfaction is supporting your partner on their pleasure journey, creating a judgment-free zone.

Because everyone, remember, carries their own experiences, desires, their own insecurities, and a huge part of supporting your partner is creating a space where they feel safe to share without judgment. So we've done a lot of different workshops about actually healthy communication. And with sex, especially, a lot of us never learned that we have to listen. My three T's, timing, tone, and turf, finding the right time when you guys are in a good space.

The tone is curious, compassionate, open, and chill. And the space outside the bedroom. So the more curious you are with each other, the stronger your connection is going to be. And that is truly what's going to enhance your satisfaction. next thing is i really really really want you to avoid the comparison trap we all do this we compare our we compare our sex life to others whether it's past relationships social media movies our neighbors we always think our neighbors look so happy they're having better sex than we are and that just as you know leads to how does it make you feel when you compare that leads to frustration and resentments

and just, you know, even scrolling on social media can make you feel bad, right? We all know that, like seeing what other people are doing in your industry or how other people look in their bathing suit or how happy people look. And I just want to remind you that that just leads to so much resentment. It just holds us back. So remember, pleasure builds on itself. It is a muscle. And the more you embrace each other's, you know, differences and learning process,

the deeper satisfaction you're going to feel in your sense. sex life and the deeper satisfaction you're both getting experienced overall. So it's okay to enter this pleasure journey together to both say, okay, we're each going to go off on our own and explore together. Or maybe you do some mutual masturbation and you explore, you know, you do some mutual pleasing when you're like, oh, wow, I just found the spot. I mean, I literally discovered so many of my erogenous zones and my hot spots and the ways I can orgasm on my own. And then I showed it to a partner. Like, that happens. And I know I've mentioned that to you before, but I can't say it enough because I don't think it's a very common experience that people actually like masturbate

with the goal of exploration, not the goal of orgasm, which is what we're talking about today. We're taking orgasm aside and we're focusing on redefining sexual satisfaction and what it means to you. In Toronto, every arrival is a statement and nothing says it better than this. Cadillac Optic was the number one selling luxury EV in Canada for 2025. Find your rhythm across a seamless 33-inch display and an immersive 19-speaker AKG surround audio system. This city demands agility and optic delivers with precision to make every drive extraordinary. Let's take the Cadillac. Find out more at Cadillac Canada.ca.

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Communication is so key, but it doesn't have to be awkward. So you know I said the turf is outside the bedroom. That's for like the deeper talks about sex. That's for like, hey, I've got these fantasies or can we start on a pleasure journey together. I feel like, you know, my experience of our sex life is that I'm the one who's kind of caring the boulder up the hill. But I'd love to know that you are also deeply committed to our sex life, that you have a growth mindset, that I have a growth mindset.

That's all outside the bedroom talk. But inside the bedroom, you can give feedback during intimacy as simple as like guiding your partner's hand or offering non-verbal cues, that's all fine too. And when we're really present in the moment, then we are more attuned. Oh, my partner was breathing really quickly, but they just stopped or they were leaning into it. Now they're leaning away. So it's okay to stop and say, is everything good? How are we doing here? Do you want to slow down? What do you need? That's all great. That's all important. That's great to do during intimacy. You know, and for deeper, deeper connection again, when you're outside the bedroom, it can be like, I love when

you do X. I'd love to try Y. Like, I love when you were kissing my neck. Like, when you started kissing my neck in the kitchen and then that really turned me on and got me in the bedroom, or I love that you massage my feet for 10 minutes. That was amazing. Or maybe we could try what Dr. Emily was saying and do a little bit mutual masturbation time. So those are the ways we had the sexual conversations. Another great thing to do is to explore your fantasies together. This is a really exciting way to build trust and to build intimacy. You can even try creating a sexual bucket list. So just introducing new elements into your dynamic. And studies show that couples who explore new activities together report higher relationship satisfaction. So shake things up. I mean, a lot of people,

I'm going to say the majority of couples get bored. You're going to get bored. You're doing the same. I mean, I know I get bored easily. I get bored with my job. I get bored with doing the same things all the time. I don't get bored with food as much because I finally figured out like I'm not like that big of a chef, but I get really hungry.

So I like, I know the proteins I need every week. I know the vegetables I need every week. But with sex or working out or things I do with friends, or things I do for fun, I got a little bored. I need a little bit of variety. So whether it's the bucket list or using our yes, no, maybe list, like there are a lot of ways that you can shake things up. And in fact, it's your duty to shake things up.

Because if you're not bored yet, you will be bored. You will be challenged in this way. So make variety part of your sexual journey. The fourth step, redefining intimacy and satisfaction in relationships. Here's our fourth step today. When we are redefining sexual satisfaction, our fourth step in that is actually redefining intimacy and satisfaction in your relationship. As you can tell, I don't think that intimacy is just about sex. It's emotional, emotional, it's mental, it's physical.

Are you feeling connected to your partner? Are you having interesting conversations? Do you feel heard? Do you feel seen? Do you feel safe? Are you able to be vulnerable? Are you staying curious about each other? Do you know what's going on with your partner's life and their day?

This is this stuff that keeps relationships alive and thriving. And yeah, I'll say it again, keeping things exciting. Like long-term satisfaction does require a mix of communication and novelty. If you missed Denae's speech, Denae's speech, Denae, did a speech, I did a speech. She did a workshop here, so go check out Dene's workshop. She talked a lot about, we create novelty, we create variety. So whether it's checking in regularly, whether it's yes, no, maybe this.

If you needed an idea, try the desire jar. Each partner writes down fun ideas and you pick one at random. Every time you have sex, it's by the bed. You pick a desire jar. You pick something out of the desire jar. You wear something sexy, like unexpected. And it doesn't have to be lingerie. A lot of lingeries, like, restricting.

Like, I've had an experience where I'm like, oh, God, I got to put on the garter and I got to clip it and I got to push my boobs up and that doesn't feel good. I, like, things that make me feel sexy in real life, I wear in the bedroom. Like, I like when things go off the shoulder or I like wearing a short skirt, you know? So, like, these are the kind of things that are really, like, important to think about, like, how could I bring something, wear something sexy, okay, into the bedroom? so and also surprising your partner with a small treat a love note or maybe a flogger if that's their style i was just on a podcast recently i was being interviewed by somebody and he was telling me that

he's he's now divorced but he was saying that one of the biggest frustrations in his marriage and i don't know that was the biggest one but he said i just wish that she wrote me like a note like left me a note and said, thinking about you, babe, have a great day at work, or, you know, asked about his day or did these small gestures. Now, I am not a person like that. I don't think to do that, not because I don't love my partner, partners, but I would have liked to have known that. Do you what I'm saying? Like, I wonder if he told his partner that and she didn't do it. But like, this goes back to the love languages, right? Like, are you words of affirmation? Are you physical touch? Are you acts of service?

Are you words of affirmation? Acts of service. Are you touch? Are you quality time? What I'm talking now, you might be like, I don't know what I need. I actually don't know. Yeah, I guess a love note would be nice. But you would know if actually a love note from your partner would feel like,

would make you feel great. If you were leaving for work and there was a little note on your phone or your partner wrote in lipstick on the mirror, like, have a great day. I love you. So again, to me, that doesn't do it. I'm like, I mean, I would, oh, I would. appreciate it, but I don't need it. So this is where you get to source right now,

because you might not even know you might have deep resentments and not feel seen, connected, hurt, or love, but you don't know why. So even as a love language has been around for a long time, and some people are like, oh, they're so simple. Like, see if it's going to help you figure out what you might be needing from your partner that you're not getting right now, right?

Again, for some people, it's words. For some people, it's like acts of service, meaning, like, can you just fill up my car with gas and may not have to ask you? physical touch, quality time, access, service, whatever, I might have forgot again. But you know what I'm talking about. You know what I'm talking about.

If anyone's put in there, you can. But, oh, gift giving, gift giving. I always forget gift giving because that's not my number one. But I've been with partners who that is their number one. And I'm like, and here's another tip about love languages. If you haven't heard this lately, I love talking about him. I was, again, I had a guest on my show and he was saying that his wife's love language was a physical touch.

And his was not. And so he said an alarm in his phone, a reminder that every day when he pulled in the garage, even though he loved his wife, they have a small baby, everything's great. A little note would pop up a reminder I would say, go in and hug wife. So before he like, hey, babe, how'd your day? I'm going to go to the gym. He would go in and hug her. And like another friend of mine knew that his wife loved flowers.

He never remembers him. So like he told his assistant, like every month send my wife flowers. Now, I don't think that's cheating at all. To me, that's like being a really good partner. That's like doing the things that you know your partner wants. It's very, very hard sometimes, especially if it's not your, remember, we often give what we want to receive. So you could also hack this. If your partner is always giving you gifts and you're never giving them gifts, I'm going to guess that your partner's love language is gifts.

Or if you're always giving them compliments and always giving them compliments, but you don't feel like they give you enough compliments, I bet your love language is words of affirmation and you could use some more words to your partner. So that's how it kind of works. We gave what we want to receive. I love physical touch too, Marie. That's mine. I'm physical touch all around. You know, our love language just can change over time. Mine used to be physical touch and words of affirmation,

but now I think it's physical touch and quality time. I love touch. That's why I always have all these, like, fuzzy blankets around me and my dog, she can't hug me enough. I'm like, we need to cuddle. And in relationships, I always, like, want to be touching. But the other one's, like, nice to have a gift, nice to have an act of service, but not in my love language.

So, yeah, Google calendars are great for these reminders. Like, listen, your partner makes a request. We are human. We are busy people. We've got a lot going on in our lives. And like if your partner tells you that they want something in the moment, I'm sure you have great intentions. Like, okay, note to self.

They want more gifts. They want more acts of service. But like, then you go on with your day. We're building new habits. We're building new ways to support our partners. And it's not going to be like, we can't rely on our memory. I know I can't rely on my memory for most things. I write everything down.

That is the parts that's about keeping things exciting. So the point is here, bottom line, step out of your usual routine and create moments of connection, whether they're big moments or small moments. Okay, next, orgasms. We'll cover this again. Not always the goal. They are great. I love an orgasm, but they're not the only thing that matters.

You know, again, we're redefining sexual status. satisfaction today. So relaxation, connection, and just overall pleasure can be just as important. You might have had, you know, a really connected sex session that ended with some great aftercare, and it was satisfying. Maybe you didn't have an orgasm, but you actually felt more deeply connected to your partner. And then we're going to get into here just your sexual expression and acceptance. So this is just finding new ways. to explore, explore new positions, oral sex, ethical porn. It can really ethical porn, which I love it if you don't know what ethical porn is. It's basically porn that is more

realistic. It's more authentic. And it tends to be more from a female gaze and a male gaze because a lot of porn is made by men, four men. But ethical porn is a little bit more from a female lens where it's like there's more oral sex, there's more of a buildup, there's more plots and storylines, and the performers are paid well, and you just feel good about the people who are performing. Like it seems like it's their genuine desire.

So that could just be a great way to find, and also a great way to learn. Like, again, I'm fully aware that I'm asking you to expand your definitions of sex and your sexual desires and your sexual wants, and you might only know what you've tried so far. And that's the majority of people. So that's why I'm always just giving you a bunch of nuggets

and a bunch of things to try so you can become your own best sex expert. So for you, it could be reading Herodica, ethical porn, listening to my millions of podcasts in my 20th year. They are all available. Have a note. Like I know that I have notes on my phones of like things I want to try, places I want to visit.

You could do a shared note with your partner. That's like sexy things to try this month and do a shared note or a shared Google Doc. And whenever something occurs to you, that'd be hot. Add it in the dock. Because sometimes those thoughts have nowhere to go, and I'm a big list person because I'm like, how am I going to, I have like a shows to watch list, right?

Someone's like, watch this show. I open up my list of shows to watch and it's in there. So why not have things to try sexually? Places we want to go. We want to visit. I don't know. Do you go to any of you have that in your relationship? So I highly recommend that.

Again, we got to bring it back to the research, couples who engage in more diverse sexual practices. And more diverse, I mean just opening it up to all what's possible. Exploration, fantasy, trying new toys, trying different things in and out of the bedroom, report higher satisfaction. So why not expand your sexual toolkit? anything you want to add to this. I'm scooping back here to see what you're all saying. I love that you feel seen, Raymond. I think that was about the struggle for men.

I feel like people don't see the struggle for men a lot, how much pressure is on them. And Christy loves taking baths. So do I. That really calms me. And then I'm like, oh, maybe I'm in the mood to masturbate. Cheat code. Google calendar reminders are perfect for this.

That is true. Google calendars are your best friend. Like, why not have a Google calendar for everything? So Marie, you said, what does intellectual conversation fall under? That is Adam's love language. I actually just saw somewhere that they've added a six love language. And I believe that that was it. I didn't want to Google that really quickly.

Six love language. Because Marie is saying, what about intellectual conversation? Let's see. This is brand new off the press. I'm looking for it. I think we all get to decide. But I think it could be conversation. Anyone else?

I feel like, I don't remember where I read this, but I feel like there's always, another one I've heard is being fully known and seen by my partner. But I don't think that that's a lovely, and I actually think the intellectual conversation goes more into quality time. It could fall into quality time.

At least for me, it does, Marie. That's a great way to think about it because when I'm spending a lot of time with someone, I'm a talker. Like that means that it doesn't mean that we were just, I actually hadn't really thought about this way, Marie, but it means like my French that I'm closer to and my relationships that have grown are when we take a trip together,

or we spend all we go out to dinner, it means that we have more time to get to know each other and have intellectual conversations. So, but intellectual is different than deep and meaningful, Marie, right? So I wonder if intellectual means like let's talk about the movies we just saw or this new study that came out. Do you guys have similar interests? Do you actually like having intellectual conversations with them?

You know, if not, maybe there's some more nuance to that. Maybe it's just conversations in general. So Raymond says that you, Raymond has a thing for vulnerability. You realize, but you think that's quality time in a way. You know, I think vulnerability is, is could go also go under a question. all the time, but I think vulnerability is sort of a, um, and like how is, is, is sort of goes under the umbrella of sexual, sexual satisfaction, like what we're talking about. Like, like, to me, and to many of us is that like vulnerability is like the antidote for having great sex. Like it's sort of like,

or not the antidote. It is the, that's the opposite. It is sort of the precursor to having great sex. It is the, it is the, it's how we feel seeing, heard, love, and trust. Like when we feel vulnerable and then we feel seen, like to have an incredible orgasm and to fully release during sex, that's vulnerability right there. Right. So I feel like, yeah, I mean, but I also think that vulnerability is just like kind of like what we all are kind of craving when we say we want a deeper meaning. connection. We want vulnerability. But the funny thing about vulnerability is that it's really not, like not everybody knows how to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a practice. I mean, this is why Bray Brown made her entire, entire career reframing vulnerability. Like, the reason why we're not vulnerable is because our deepest fear is that we are not going to be loved and we're going to be

rejected. So being vulnerable is basically be exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally. So to be vulnerable is an act of trust. And when we feel met in our vulnerability, we feel safe. Now, I think that it can be harder for men raised in a certain generation where they were told to don't cry, fuck up, real men don't cry, don't show your emotions. And I got to be honest, I was pretty much raised in a very similar way. I didn't see a range of emotions or vulnerability in my home. We didn't talk a lot about feelings and we didn't talk about fear or insecurities or anger or anything. It was like, like just what's going on in the moment or what are we doing next week?

or what's for dinner? Obviously, there was a lot going on underneath. Like, I think of myself, and I've been doing a lot of work on myself in therapy, always. But like the somatic therapy I talked about is about actually being in touch with, like, the little girl in me that had a lot of emotions and had a lot of things I wanted to say and was sad sometimes, was scared sometimes, needed my parents sometimes. And while, again, our parents did the best they could, they didn't learn how to, to attune to a child's needs.

Your parents probably didn't either. This is like new stuff we're learning today. So love my mom, obsessed with my mom, talked to her every single day. But when I was a sad, scared child, teenager, young adult, I think to my mother, my big emotions were scared, where we're like she didn't know what to do with them. It was like, everything's going to be fine.

You'll get over it. Grass is always greener. What are the other things people say? The other platitudes are like, it'll get better from here or, or like, don't worry about or whatever it is. Like, oh, you shouldn't be upset or you have a good life. What's the other big one? Not like, don't worry, like, cheer up or it'll get better. Like, basically vulnerability is when we are expressing our true emotions, we want someone to listen.

We want someone to hold space. We want someone to be like, I hear you. That sounds really hard. Wow, I see that you're really having a hard time with that. This looks painful. And the problem is in relationships, when our partners are expressing their emotion sometimes, we go into fix it mode. We're like, well, don't be sad.

Listen, let's do all these things. You're going to be happy. I want you to be happy. Or I don't want you to be worried. I want you to be worried because we think that's our job. And while it is, in some ways, the first step when somebody is vulnerable is to just listen and to say, I know that's hard. I know this is scary.

I know you might be worried. And once we were able to be like, oh, my God, I'm safe to express my emotion. Well, then we can cry. We can let it out. And studies of show research shows that emotions and actual feeling or deep emotion last 90 seconds if we let it go through the whole cycle. So sometimes we just got to sit in it and let ourselves cry, let our partners cry. And again, a lot of us haven't learned these skills. And so we didn't learn from our parents.

They didn't learn from their parents. And so this is the learning that we, this is what the work is in relationships. And so it can be really hard to be in a relationship with someone who is completely emotionally unavailable, shut down and doesn't want to show vulnerability. But that is the work. Yeah, exactly, Alexa. sometimes we need someone to say that sucks. That sucks. Like that's literally,

when someone calls you complaining, upset, it could be your friend, it could be your partner, it could be anything, you could be like, fuck, that's awful. I'm so sorry that's happening.

And then you'll finally like, yeah, it really is. It was terrible. And then you just go, oh my God, really, tell me more. I'm so, tell me what,

yeah, that sucks. You could just go, gosh, I hear you, that sucks. And the person who's in, a big emotion just wants to be hurt. And your only job is to say, yeah, wow, wow. I'm say less.

Yeah, I'm here for you. Tell me more. My best friend and I talk every morning. She lives in Michigan. She's been my friend since I was like 18. And we just listen. I'm like, oh, girl, that's that. Tell me more. Tell me more. Tell me everything. And then we're good. We go about our day. Right. So like, there are the times. And here's another great tip. When you're going through something. And your partner comes to you and you're like, but I'm not sure. I thought she wanted help. I thought he wanted.

You can say, before you continue with what you're telling me or or when they come to you with something, you say, do you want to be heard? Do you want to be hugged or do you want to be helped? And then that gives them the opportunity to go, oh, you know, I just think why you listen right now. I go, okay, got my job. Or if they want to be hug. They want to hug.

And then maybe they want to hug and then they want to be heard. Or maybe they're like, no, I actually, this needs to be solved. Let's solve it. But I think a lot of times when it comes to vulnerability, you're going to find that your partner wants to be hurt. So any other questions, I agree. Vulnerability is so sexy. And J.D. agrees true and all points,

both the listening, the sitting in, and the reminder that we can't fix it, not our job. Not our job to fix our partner. We've been wired through years and years of conditioning that our job is to keep our partner safe. and to do everything we can. And like, yes, you want to keep our partners safe. But it's not our job to make them happy.

It's not our job to solve every emotion, every problem they're having. It's our jobs. Like we are responsible for our own pleasure. We're responsible. We're processing our emotions. But we also need to co-regulate with somebody. And that's the big piece that is kind of missing in relationships and just relationships in general is the co-regulation.

Somebody who's sitting with you and saying, I hear you. Sounds like it was a rough day. Even if I had a day that was 10 times worse, even if I've had way shittier things happen, even if I'm going, it doesn't sound that bad. But I clearly see that they are upset.

They are telling me what they need. And I deeply care about this person. If I'm on the phone with you or I'm talking to you or you're in my life, I care about you. So my judgment and my idea of what you might need has no place in that moment. I need to attune and I need to say, do you want to be heard?

Do you want to be hugged? Do you want to be helped? Yes, Stephanie, so true. That helps shorten the refractory period for the other person. So the refractory period is the time, well, in sex we use it all the time, how long it takes to get an erection again or to have another orgasm at the refractory period.

But I friggin love the refractory period for conversations. that's such a great way to put it brilliant. Like, I think what happens is we see our partner upset. I'm like, oh no, oh no, this is going to take over the whole day. I don't want to handle tears. But magic happens when we just go, you're upset. I see you're upset. And I'm just going to say, how are you doing?

How could I help you? Tell me more. Heard hug or help. You'll find that that does not go on for days and weeks and years. it might go on for five, 10, 15, maybe 30 minutes. But this is where the resentments build. The resentments build when we aren't there for our partners. We skate over their emotions.

We are not vulnerable. We start shutting down. It's not on purpose, but we're like, well, they've never been there for me with my emotion. So I'm going to go to my friend. I'm going to go to my therapist. I'm going to go to everybody but my partner. So to Stephanie's point, the refractory period, not only will there be a refractory period, they're going to move through the emotion a lot quicker.

They're going to learn to trust you that you, they're going to learn to feel safe with you, which is all going to spill over into having better sex and healthier sex conversations. Because when you're with someone who can truly listen and hear you, right, then we have more connection, more intimacy. And so when you're having the sex conversations, this helps too. You might want to be like, you want to do what? You want me to wear what? You want to have sex, how? And that's when we take a deep breath.

you notice the reaction coming up and you're just like, so you want to time me up? Tell me more. What would that look like? You want to have sex seven days a week. Talk me through that. Like, what does that look like? Like, what time a day?

What time a week? Are we in the bedroom? Like, even if it's something you don't want. And your first reaction is like, hell no, are we having sex seven days a week? We get to be curious and have the person talk it out. We, like, listen, right? Because then we're going to get more information

because what happens when we make sexual requests and we have these conversations because we're not used to it and because we sex conversations can be scary and put us in fight or flight, we tend to like want to react to it in a big way. We want to fix it. We want to say why,

we want to shut it down and say that that's a hell no for me. And then our partner shut down. So even when we think we have an opinion about it, let's just let our partner talk, ask questions. Tell me more about that. Tell me more about that fantasy. Tell me more about what.

wanting that toy. Tell me more about whatever and just listen. And then it'll soon be your turn. All right, everybody. Joe Dispenza, you consult for him. Oh, Stephanie, I love Joe Dispenza. I'm supposed to go to one of his retreats. That's happening, but I'm actually going to India instead, everybody. All of our emotions are in a period, refresh, are like, most of our suffering today, our worries, our doubts, our things are because we have not fully allowed emotions. We learned the skill set of processing emotions through our body. And so therefore we have years and years and years of emotions living in our body, which is what I talk about when I say like these things are all of inside of us, which is why we do a lot of breathing on here and a lot of mindfulness. And then they come out

and then we learn new patterning. We learn like, I'm not going to override this emotion again. I'm not going to continue this pattern. But we're all in it, you guys. None of us are put on this planet or this earth learning how to be great communicators and how to process our emotions. So for a partner that might be less vulnerable, it's probably someone who hasn't had the experience of learning to experience their full range of emotions, which is the practice that we get to do in adulthood. All right, everybody, any other questions, anything you want to add about this really important topic, about defining what great sex means to you and only you? it's not believe me it's not what you've seen in porn it's not what you've seen in movies it's not even

what you've heard your friends talking about but because sex is something that we don't talk about often we just kind of had to assume that great sex is what we saw in porn or great sex was your friend who said oh i had a threesome last night or or you know whatever it is like it's like a great meal like someone could tell you they had the best meal their life it's kind of hard when you're like Well, they're like, oh, was this chicken parmesan that had this free dessert or had like an extra dessert with chocolate? If you never had chocolate or chicken, you'd be like, huh, I guess that's what a good meal is. But you have to think about it.

We talk about sex. There's only a few things on the menu that we've actually heard about, right? We've only heard about a few things. And there's so much more out there. Like, your sexual desire and satisfaction to be expansive. Like, there is so much for you to taste and to learn and to experience. And I would say that a lot of us have never even dipped our toe in to imagining what's possible. So I want you to leave here saying, like, today could be the first day of you actually getting to define what sexual satisfaction means to you.

So I love you all. Thank you so much for coming and for joining. I appreciate you all coming up soon. One week from today, we're finishing our first book book club pick, Flawless by Elsie Silver. There's Zoom meetings, these book clubs. So come and talk with your community manager, Alexa. It's a fun, steamy romance. That's going to inspire you.

If you haven't read it yet, you can still read it now. The week after the 19th, we have a workshop with Carolyn Warsham, from stressed out to turned on. Come learn some fun techniques to break yourself out of stress and back into pleasure. Thank you all so much for being here. I just love seeing all of you. This is just my dream to be able to. collaborate with all of you and co-creating

sex, the sex that we all deserve. So have a wonderful rest of your day, everybody. Thank you. Are you one of those media strategy people clicking through slides, scrolling spreadsheets? Yes? Good. This is for you. Because on Spotify, there's an audience that's different. Locked in, loyal, invested.

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