Sex With Emily - Rose Colored Relationships

Episode Date: March 25, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about how to take off the rose colored glasses and see the signs of toxic relationships – as well as answering your sex & relationship questions. Especially with the current climate, you want to really think about the people in your life and if they are serving a purpose for you. She dissects the TV Show “You” and how people can easily fall for manipulation in relationships, a thoughtful convo on getting out of a bad situation romantically, and what to do when you and your partner’s love languages differ – and it’s making things pretty difficult. Plus, how penis owners can use the Magic Wand – and ways to use it with a partner.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm talking about relationships and people that may seem good for you but are actually a bit toxic. And how to see the signs, especially with the current climate. You want to really think about the people in your life. Are they serving a purpose for you? Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include the TV show you and how people can easily fall for manipulation in relationships. A thoughtful conversation and getting out of a bad situation romantically, and how penis owners can use the magic wand and ways to use it with a partner. And what to do when you and your partners love languages differ and it's making things pretty difficult. All this and more, thanks for listening. Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Is it a common moment? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. you. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything

in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. We are social media across the board is sex with Emily. And okay, guys, we are still bringing you all the content during this COVID-19 pandemic. And I just wanna say that we're still providing you with three podcasts a week. I'm also doing a lot more on social media across all my platforms, Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, it is sex with Emily everywhere.

And as always, whatever you need for me you can send me your questions to feedback at sexwithemily.com and then check me out at all those lives too. I'll be doing daily because listen guys this is really the time where we have to focus on really good, excellent communication and an intimacy is important and taking care of ourselves. Whether we're alone or with lovers and I think we all have a lot more time on our hands right now to use our hands and our minds wisely. So I'm here to help you in sending you lots of love and intentions for the show. Okay guys, each show I start off by setting an intention. And so what I think is, you know, while you're listening, what do you want to get out of listening to this

episode? How could it help you? Like maybe you're listening, what do you want to get out of listening to this episode? How could it help you? Like maybe you're thinking, I've been spending a lot of time with my partner and I'm starting to notice behaviors I haven't before. Could it be manipulation? Or maybe, you know, you've had loved ones going through something like this, you're both going through this and you want to get more insight on how to help someone

who chooses a toxic partner. My intentions for the show, to give you insight on how, even if someone seems like a really good person, there might be red flags, there might be behaviors that are hiding in plain sight, how to notice it, and how to do something about it. Are you guys enjoy the show? I am on this kick this year in the last few weeks.

I call the kick. If I for two weeks have been watching more television than I watched last year. That's a kick for you. That's a kick for you. And one of the things I just, I finished the first season of you last night on Netflix. So good.

And it is, if you haven't seen it, it's all about, and I just kept thinking about all of you because it's about, you know, this guy played by Ben Badgley. Ben Badgley. Ben Badgley. And he essentially is a sociopath manipulator and takes place in New York. And he's like this boyfriend who really at some point you're like, I can see that.

Like maybe if he just killed one person, I would still have sex with him. Talk about devotion. He's a stalker essentially and he stalks, you know, with social media now. I mean, it's really not that far of a stretch that somebody could stalk you to that extent. And I leave my windows open sometimes, not anymore. Not since I said it now, but she leaves her windows open, she can see him having sex with people.

Like, it's crazy, but then I thought about it. Like, this manipulation and different points in your life would have got me thinking about was real. And if you guys have seen, you know, let me know what you think about this, but in watching it, I'm like, I probably would have dated someone like Joe Goldberg 10 years ago I have been and I have allowed myself to be

Responsive to less than healthy partners. I've never been like abused physically in a relationship I haven't had that kind of abuse. I haven't had anything like Super horrible, but I have allowed myself to be with people who on the surface level were really nurturing and they were like Remembered everything I told them and they were sending me flowers and they were Seemed to be very attentive and sweet, but then there's always a flip side where they turned out to be more manipulative or controlling You know, I understand you can't have it all, but control is something that I'm just like, if you're going to try to control me, that does not work. My whole life is around being free.

But I know I can understand that like slippery slope between feeling like somebody is so attentive and nurturing in there for you and then having this feeling like something's off. And you know what I love it ends with like when things are too good to be true, I think you have to believe that if somebody is too good to be true or something is too good to be true, it probably is. Like I just believe like they say there's no free lunches. Like it's just unfortunate though. It is really unfortunate.

Why can't we hold onto that? Yeah, well, you can. You can. Yeah, just a little bit. And then you get married. Mm-hmm. You get killed. Speaking of the ultimate to good to be true,

let's talk about the honeymoon phase that everybody goes through in a relationship. From six months to two years, there is a period where you first meet somebody and you are falling in love or falling in lust. And everything's amazing and your body's reacting to it, you're literally, you're in dolphins, all the feel good hormones are raging.

But what happens after everything, something comes up, it comes down. And that's what happens. And I think a lot of us run around chasing those early stages of a relationship, which is also too good to be true, because it's not gonna last. And you just gotta figure out how to get back to that.

But when you're dating somebody, sometimes you find out, you know, before it's too late, that you're so knee deep in the relationship that you are like, oh shit, I really love this person, but there's all these messed up things. But I believe that you have a hunch early on, like even in you, she's early on, she was like, I don't know you, I don't know your family,

I don't know your friends, like, you never see life. But you know, I don't know your life. That always freaks me out. I'm like, I need to know your friends, like, right? You know my life, but you know, I don't know your life. That always freaks me out. I'm like, I need to know that there's, you have other people going on. Like, if I meet someone, they don't have friends. I, that is the biggest thing. That's a deal breaker.

I think. But he's so hot, you don't even care. You don't care right for a little bit. But you're like, you have no friends, you have no past. You don't ever, I mean, I've even had friend dates, just going out with women that I think are cool and it's weird when they don't ever talk about their past or they don't wanna put an anchor in any statement.

So I just think, and I'm wondering for you guys, has this ever happened to you? Have you ever fallen for someone where you feel like you had to justify their behavior? All your friends were like, no, I'm not sure that they're so good for you and you kept justifying and just fighting and then you found out they were a serial killer. No, hopefully not. Hopefully not.

We found out that everything that you thought about was true. Have you ever been manipulated by someone and you kept justifying it? So did you, but like, so obviously you, hopefully, never dated a murderer. No. But like, what were some of those things where you were like, oh, oh, God, I've dated people who, I feel like I dated this guy once I remember. And this again, I think this happens a lot that you date people, although this isn't true if you look at all the true crime things, like dear John, like she was a woman in her 50s, who couldn't have dated the manipulator,

but I think I've done a lot of work on myself. I've done a ton of therapy and self work. But in my 20s and 30s, probably dated more people than not. That like this one guy, he corded me so hard. And he was very lovely. My friends knew him. He had come from a really good background. Every week he sent me orchids.

He lived in Texas at the time. It was back and forth. He sent me orchids. And he sent me, he sent me, but we would see each other a lot. Like too much eventually. He showed up all the time. But he was very like, he remembered everything about me. He was very like he loved taking care of me in ways That I just wasn't it was attentive. He was very attentive

Okay, and that was great until I realized that the flip side of being really attentive and nurturing is he was very controlling Mm-hmm, and somewhat manipulative like he was like, okay, we're going to my family's house for the holidays and could you? Something Navy. I'm like Navy like his family, they were like kind of conservative and like navy. Is that like the conservative thing? I guess I'm like, do you want me to put on some pearls? Like what do you want me to wear? And then he would like pack my suitcase for me, which I liked because I have packing trot. I'm not a good packer. But then I realized after a while like, oh no, this is actually everything was honest. He's doing everything to make sure that I would buy in and then control, control, control.

And that was unhealthy for me. I was like, how much Navy did you even own? No, I said, I'm Jewish. I were black. We don't wear Navy. I don't wear Navy. Like, come on. But then my mom was like, I don't think this is, this is what you want.

So it was, it was, yeah. So that was something I was, today I was like, after watching that, I was just like, wow, I probably would have slept with Joe Goldberg, like Anna. You know? Do you think in your 20s you might have been? Maybe, like he was attentive. What was it?

He just, he seems like he works at a bookstore. He's smart, he's sensitive, he's handsome. He's good with kids. He's good with kids. It's like, that's the only way you survive him is if you're a child. He's like, oh no. Exactly. Not gonna kill you.

Yeah, exactly. Right. Who knows though, right? And so, I'm trying to think if this ever happened to me, I don't think so. Well, kind of. It was super manipulative, but. I had this other guy I was thinking about today. I went to, I remember being at my friend's birthday.

We all went to Chicago. It was like her 30th birthday and we like five of us met there. And I was dating guy who, okay, he was questionable. He was going through, I think I was like 30. He was going through divorce. But he was so fun and he was so, and my friends were like, I just think he's weird. He's really off. Oh, so your friend saw it.

My friends saw it right away. They're like really, like they, and they steal to the state. They're like, John, friends were like, I just think he's weird, he's really off. Oh, so your friends saw it. My friends saw it right away, they're like really, and they steal to the state, they're like, John, I'm like, I know, I know, I know, can we please forget about John, but something I got so swept up in his, he wanted, he just was really into like helping me be more creative and he was working on my film, I was doing it the time, and he just was,

to me, he was eccentric, but turns out he was just kind of a little creepy and confusing to my friends. So we were at her birthday in Chicago, we all flew in and all of a sudden he texted me, was this text that, yeah, he's like, my plane got diverted and I have to land in Chicago. And my friends were like, bullshit.

I'm like, no, you guys, he was flying to New York and maybe he really had to be in Chicago and he's like, the weather. He's like circling, circling. And they're like, that's weird. And when you're deep in it, you just can't see it. I mean, I probably dated him for like three months and we did a lot together, but then I was like,

oh God, gotta, and then he had like a breakdown and had to go back to like the Midwest. Oh, that's what I knew. I knew it, but I couldn't, I, you he had like a breakdown and had to go back to like the Midwest. Oh, that's what I knew. I knew it, but I couldn't, I, you know what I'm talking about? Like you don't wanna see the red flags. You don't wanna see the signs

because your heart or your lust is just like, no people, you guys are all wrong because you don't know what I feel. And I, then it's like, and you can easily be like, well, you, you wouldn't know because you're married now or you wouldn't know because you don't know what it's, you know, what I'm like, he gets me. Oh my God.

So now you've got to trust your friends and trust your family. I just want to know if you guys have had a you story of being manipulated by somebody or, you know, not paying attention to your own gut about people. I mean, well, because that's the thing, like when you are blinded by the love, the creepy gesture is romantic to you. Like, that's literally the difference.

Do you like this person? If you like them, then it's like the guy at the end, to say anything with the boombox and it's romantic. But imagine that same scenario, like, if you didn't like the guy, I'd be like, what the fuck this guy's outside my house with a fucking boombox? Call the police. Like, literally, and that's that's the difference which is like if we're into it We can't see it. Well, that's like the red the red flags, you know painted white. I guess is that the oh I don't know. I just know I like it is. It should be a freeze. It is it's like and you can't see it through all the

Through all the tension and all the things. You're like, it's not that bad. But honestly, the issues you have right away are typically the issues you're gonna have forever. The issues you have in the first date, you'll likely have forever. I mean, who isn't, okay, who's in a fight with their partner right now? Who's frustrated about something with your partner right now?

And if you're honest with yourself, you had a hunch when you first met. I think that that's legit. I mean, and then, I mean, just bringing it back to you is this like, I mean, he's just a guy who is just, you know, nice and kind and cool. But it's like, isn't, shouldn't everyone be nice and kind and cool?

I feel like there's a whole. I feel like we've all just lowered our standards, just because we're like, I don't know if it's because we're getting more desperate, or if people overall are getting shittier, or... I think that there's a crisis of connection, and we don't really meeting as many people as we used to, and we're not putting ourselves out there as much,

and we're not, and maybe they're just more danger now, talking about people, people are more self-conscious about things. And I don't think that we're not. And maybe they're just more danger now talking about people. People are more self-conscious about things. And I don't think that we're putting ourselves, especially here, like the big cities, like Living in Los Angeles or New York or San Francisco where everything is delivered. You drive through. Drive through to pick up your latte or your medication at Walgreens. It's like you don't have to get out of your car. You don't have to see people,

you could get, you think we're tricking ourselves into feeling fulfilled and connected if we're like on our phone on a dating app or texting somebody. You get the same rush as if you're with somebody. So I think that's also why we're just not going out. Like there was a study that came out, right? Like the people are,

this is the first time this year that I think it's the second or the first most common way people are meeting people is online. And it used to be like at a bar and that like fell way down. So I think people aren't even just hanging out to meet people anymore. They're like, well, I'm on the app. So I'm gonna try to secure and date and not get on. And then when you are at a bar like,

because you've always said like, oh, don't be on your phone. So I've tried not being on my phone and feeling like I'm sitting there approachable. So I don't know why I feel like that. Because they're on their phone. Well, that's what I'm saying. So no one even like sees me

and then the only people that aren't on their phones are like with people, or if they're, or they're like just not my type and like way older and like, I don't know, like I'm not gonna date the 50 year old in the corner. Sorry guys. Sorry, she's not. But my age gap is 38.

You know what's interesting? All right, exactly. Okay, she's not my age gap. Girl 38. You know what's interesting? Exactly. Okay. Good to know. But you know what the interesting thing is I feel like people really aren't like the only good thing about the phones are sometimes I do stupid shit in public like I'll I'll trip or I'll drop something or I'll, you know, have something going something weird. And then you look to see if anyone's watching and everyone's on their phones. Whereas back in the day, if you were waiting in line, you did something people would be looking at you, because you had nothing else to do.

No one's walking around the books all the time. So now, no one sees all this. I look over, like, no one's paying attention, because everyone's on their fucking phone, which is good. Okay, we need to do something stupid. Okay, you guys, let's talk to Terry. She wants to comment on the toxic subject. Tite Terry, 53 in California, what's going on?

Hi. Hi. I'm taking my course. I love your. Thank you. So glad. So, um, unfortunately, this was only five, six years ago, but I've grown a lot. I hadn't been in the, you know, I'd been divorced and found this guy. I had known him for 10 years and he was a manipulator. And I had never been manipulated in my life. And I found out at that time what gaslighting was and went to counseling, trying to convince her that he wasn't as bad as he was. And we actually, I got him to go to counseling so she could see that he wasn't so bad. And she actually told me after that she said to him, hey, are you like here to try to work

on this? Are you here to try to baritone this relationship? Are you trying to convince me that Terry's crazy and he never went back. Oh. He was trying to convince her that I was crazy. Oh wow. And she saw it through his face.

Wow. And then she gave me a book about gaslighting. Yes. And I, it's in, I, the light went on thankfully and got out of the relationship thankfully because it was bad, it was really bad. Isn't it amazing gaslighting? Like you can't gaslighting, I have to describe it as it's somebody who is manipulating you through their words, they're stating things as fact when they're not.

They're stating like the sky is green, you're like it's blue, like it's absolutely green, you know, and they have all this support, but you don't see it because you're like it's blue like it's absolutely green you know they have all this support but you don't see it because you're like first off very tear you've been manipulated you're like why would I assume this person is lying it's a really tricky one but well I'm glad you found that out Terry yeah never again right she said it'll never happen to you again and she said he was really good at what he did. So I'm, you know, blessed and thankful, that's not out of it when I did. And, you know, it was a horrible situation

but got out of it. I'm so glad you go. Yeah, okay, thanks, Terry. Thanks for calling. See, it happens. Let's talk to Catherine Forty in Texas. Catherine, you were also in a manipulative relationship. What happened? Tell me.

I was, I was married to him. Oh, okay. I did I was married to him. Oh okay I gave I'm married him and I I mean it was just clock just right out of a movie. Tell me what happened give me some examples please. Like while we were dating he would comment on my clothing and just be like why are you know you know you look really beautiful however you know why was the choice in that a little low cut who are you trying to impress you know things like that started to explode and then it moved into why were you talking to you know that he's a man you know you shouldn't you should only talk to girls you shouldn't

talk to guys and all of that. Wow and you married and this is when you were dating. And I married them he was beautiful. I mean he was this great guy and you know we were very compatible and I was just like all the red flags with everybody you know everybody's not and I just I didn't just couldn't see it. Wow how long were you with them? A couple of years and then I made I lived the afterlife like what happened and the jealousy happens and then I was like I remember I was sitting in a corner of our couch and I was reading an email and he came in and he was like, who are you? Who are you talking to? Who are you? You know, like very jealous. Right. I'm like, I'm reading my email and he's like, I can't see it. You know, you're talking to someone you're doing. I was like, no, you know, just things like that. Right, and you weren't. And he might have been. Oh, God. It is app-plated and it ended with out of like out of a movie. My friends and I

had to plan in a state for me. Wow. When he was gone for a business trip, and we planned in a state. Wow. And then did you come after you? You ever seen again? You will not. You want to believe that he did. Um, as soon as we started the process, and I had gotten my apartment,

I got everything taken care of, and it was moving day. He left with a trip. I got, he was getting on the plane or whatever, and I made the mistake of answering, of not answering the phone call, I should have answered it, but I didn't. So he just said that, because I always picked up my phone, I always answered. So he calls, of course I was, I didn't answer his call.

So as soon as he's playing touchdown, he got on a plane to come home. Oh. Because he knew something was up. Oh, wow. I know I got out of the house within 30 minutes. Oh, my God, coming back to the house. Wow. That's. Oh, my God. He just knew because they know they're so smart. They're so intuitive. That's a scary part. I mean, I just by that point, I was so broken. I'm a woman. You know, I'm just so thankful that I have people in my life that were able to help me. And, you know, 10 years later,

I'm in touch of inner play. Oh, good, really, gosh. I'm really, really, really, really happy. These things really do happen. Yeah, they really, really do. But what do you think they'd do? They, well, I'm curious. Can you just give an example?

Because manipulative is such a big word. Like, is it a broad word? Like, what, could you give an example? Was it more about like, was it about money? Was it not, say, was it saying you can't go out? Or was he just decimating yourself a steam every year, lower and lower? That you couldn't. It wasn't like a gaslighting thing. It would be like, oh, you know, it's really done very sweetly.ly but you probably don't realize that you're doing that but you know you're being very flirtatious with this man and I'm not comfortable with it or you know you're really shouldn't you know he was and it had to do with our fate you know at the time he was you know very

religious and he was like you know spending, spending time alone with someone, I'm like, I can't help it. He's my office mate. We're in the office. Oh, I see, that's really time. Yes, exactly. I just want people to hear this too. Yeah, Catherine, thank you. I'm glad you got to a healthy place

and you didn't get hurt by it and, you know, only emotionally, but you've repaired it. Thanks for that. Yeah, thank you, Catherine. Thanks for your call. I appreciate it. I mean, I think that's the thing you guys were talking about. Has this ever happened to you?

Have you ever felt for someone but you had to justify their behavior? Because all your friends thought, all your family thought, but you didn't see it until it was too late. We're going to take a quick break and we'll come back on to your questions. Ethan in Maryland has a question, 27 years old. Hi, Ethan. What's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi, how's it going?

So good. Tell me everything. So I saw an advertisement for a toy from a, is it a red octopus? Oh, a hot octopus. Yes, and it was a, this kind of, it's not a sleep, but you've slided over your shoulder. Oh, yeah, we know it well. It's amazing, yeah. So.

I figured I could just take my girlfriend's magic wand and try to do the same thing. Oh, oh. Did you try it? Yes, I've been doing it multiple times and I enjoy that a lot of it. Wow, so you just have the magic wand and you kind of rub it on your frenulum or on your ball?

Yeah, just like under the head of the shaft. That makes so much sense. This is why I say vibrations are not just for vulvas and vaginas. They feel great on penises and a low setting under your frenulum. That's great. Yeah, I've done that with a guy before. That's fun why not oh my god Ethan doing so fun right it's like a different kind of sensation did your girlfriend do it

with you or did you just steal it okay awesome Ethan but great that is a great tip I was wondering if there's anything I need to worry about, like, call in or sensitivity issues? Well, I would say to you that I know it's a different kind of sensation, like there's nothing to worry about, but like, are you doing it every time you masturbate now? Is it becoming a habit? Are you doing it on the super high setting? And just, you know what I mean? But no, you don't have anything to worry about.

Women worry this too. I'm like, no, about their vaginas like falling off or becoming numb, like none of that happens. So it's just your neuro pathways and your brain getting used to something. Awesome. Now I keep it on the list, setting it up all the time. Okay. Good. You can even put something around it like a sock or something. This might sound silly, but there's so many nerve endings that sometimes putting a piece of fabric in between the magic wand and whatever it's touching can feel great to like for women

They put over their underwear. Mm-hmm. Yeah, you guys can play with it together You could lay on top you could well couldn't be getting your friend I'm trying to think of what position they could do where it's hitting her clitoris and his penis like in between them Maybe from the side between them. Yeah, there's a lot of power in there. Yeah. Oh, I want to do that. That sounds great Oh my god Ethan. I love you. Thank you I'm getting give me excited. I know me too. Okay, thanks for calling Ethan. Okay, let's talk to Ashley 32 in Canada. Hey, Ashley. Thanks for calling. Hello. Hi, Ashley. How can I help you? I love you as a resource. I follow you so closely on Instagram. Oh, I'm so glad. Ashley, I'm going to talk to you too.

So I've got a bit of a conundrum. Me and my guy were new, we're just under three months. My love language, high, high, high, physical touch. I like a lot of intimacy. But I'm emotionally a little bit guarded. For example, I don't love sharing history of my family, my sister is recently divorced, and there's a couple of kids. I don't love going into that detail. He is very opposite in that physical touch, is not all that important to him. But for him,

the emotional getting to know someone precedes the physical. Okay. So we're looking for opposite things from one another and I feel like we're in a bit of this catch 22 and that I need the physical and he's saying I can't give you the physical with feeling like I don't know you. Right. Okay. Well, yeah. I hurtful and that like he'll turn away.

He'll ask me to stop petting him, no kissing. Yeah, that's tough Ashley. So is that what he really wants? He wants to hear about your family and your background or is he want to know that you are emotionally in? Because it sounds like maybe you are not really showing him your heart and you are guarded in ways. So it's not even about the facts,

but it sounds like there's a part of you that is afraid to be vulnerable with him perhaps. And he's saying, I can't bring the sexual, the touch and stuff if I don't feel connected to you emotionally. And to me, we've hit on that too. So I feel like he just might need to hear how long have you guys been together? And not very long, fewer than three months.

Oh, okay. So it sounds like when you start to say love languages, maybe his love language is words. So maybe he doesn't need you to go so deep as far as like your history, but maybe he wants to know how you feel about him. So maybe the word saying, I really love our time, I love the sex we're having. I'm so attracted to you. He might think it's because as a love like, that's my love languages. So I would need to hear words

before that so maybe that's what it is do you feel comfortable affirming him in that way? yeah and he's not the most mature or confident I should say and so he speaks a lot of that affirmation that's why he needs it that's probably why I need it no I mean you know it's it also comes from our yeah I mean I'm sure tell me you love me. Tell me I'm hot. So yeah, Ashley That sounds like what he needs to feel safe and comfortable with you and the touch thing will come But that's a tough one too because when touch isn't our love languages, and it's our partner's love language We have to like make an effort to remember to touch But you know if he's willing to do that and sometimes I feel if you fill up his cup, he'll fill up yours kind of thing

do that and sometimes I feel if you fill up his cup, he'll fill up yours kind of thing. Yeah. And it's really just a matter of continuing to talk about it and figure out ways that you can compromise and both get your needs met if this is going to go the distance. Great. Yeah, because you were saying initially that you didn't know that you want to talk about all these other things, like emotional things in your family, but to me, just might need words of appreciation and affirmation, which isn't hard I think right yeah okay well see how that goes Ashley I'm glad you called them here every night you can try it out it doesn't work

call me back okay let's talk to Robert 57 in New York hey Robert thanks for calling hey how you doing good what's going on Robert trying a long story short um a couple years ago I divorced, bumped into a young lady and we kind of hit it off and we've been seeing each other like daily ever since and then going through a lot of emotional stuff and that just throughout the whole two years and that and I just kind of told her I wanted to back off a little bit because she was, you know, she wanted more, you know, I told her I loved her as a friend and we started out as friends and she wants more and I just, it's just not there, you know, and I'm trying to tell her

and not, you know, not to lead her on or anything, but anyways, go ahead. No, no, so okay, so you're trying to, I'm just listening. So why don't you want to be there? If you tried to tell her and she's not taking the message? Yeah, she says that, you know, the best thing is to come across and listen to all this other stuff. And she's been through two abusive marriages and that there and this and that and so you know I'm pretty kind-hearted

I not to toot my own horn nothing but it just is constantly stupid I don't know no you sound lovely Robert you just sound like you're really are you're thinking about this woman that you're dating and you don't you don't want to hurt her feelings is that what you're saying right yeah it's just so just so tough. I don't know how to, you know, we only went through a couple of days of not seeing each other and she's already, you know, thinking that I'm going to run away and all that, which, you know, I guess maybe because it just, I haven't really had any freedom. Okay. My kids have told me they're all grown up and anyways, they told me that I needed some time to heal, blah, blah, blah and all that. But, you know, so. Okay. I don't know. We're Robert. Let me get to know this. Let me just ask you a question Robert

real quick. So are you saying that you got out of a relationship and this woman you've been on a few dates with her and you're already sensing that she's kind of like, where have you been? Are you going to be texting me? Is this gonna be something? And you're not looking for anything right now, especially with her because it seems like she needs a lot more right now. So you just wanna be able to have a conversation with her in a loving way and just say,

I really can't be connected with you right now. I'm out in this place and then just kind of let her go. Is that what you're asking? Well, actually, I was married for 35 years. My wife divorced me. So two years ago, this is two and a half years ago. So two years ago, I bumped in this young lady. We've been seeing each other pretty much,

I mean, within a month, we're like every day. I mean, she... For two and a half years. You've been seeing her for two and a half years. Two years. Okay. So you've been seeing her for two and a half years. Two years, okay. So you've been seeing her for two years, I got it, but you, so it's been, and now you're trying to kind of end it completely.

Well, no, I just wanted some time because I've been able to breathe. Just, you know, she's really kind of in me, in, you know, when it's, inching into the house and that there kind of, you know, it's like, well, what do I, why don't I just move my seat, because it's in the house and things like that there.

Now she's got her, you know, she her pets up to my place. And there is like, yeah. So Robert, what do you want from this? Yeah, I get it. But so this is what I have to understand. So you said she's been creeping in and it's, I don't think that after two years,

first of all, you're with your wife for 35 years. She died three years ago and you've been in a relationship ever since it was just super common. We get into things, it's hard to really mourn and grieve when we get into something and it sounds like you're looking up, now I'm going, wait a minute, this isn't what I'm looking for. But I feel like with her history and what's happening

that it's gonna have to be a clean break. I don't think that you can go from her practically living with you and saying like, let's make it more casual because that's not what she wants. So are you willing to say goodbye to the relationship or at least take a break and say, you know what, for three months or six months, we can't talk, no contact, I just need space.

That's another option is, but when you do a break like that, you have to, oh, yeah, you got to divorce, your wife didn't pass away, I don't know, I said that, you got to divorce. But I feel like that's still a morning and a grieving process, right? To go from a 35 year relationship into another one is just like a lot.

So I think that you're saying you just need more time right now. Correct. Yeah. So Robert, are you okay then could you do that with her? Well, we've talked about it on and off Yeah, so so Robert are you okay? Then could you do that with her? I We've talked about it on and off throughout the relationship because you know, she knew that it was just You know, I cared for her and that there and as a friend and what not she goes Well, just tell me you love me as a friend and so I said okay I guess I can do with that but then now now she thinks, because I say I love you,

that it's more than just as a friend and all that. Well, you've been having sex with her these last two years? Oh yeah. Okay, well Robert, you know what I mean? She really wants a relationship and she wants to be with you. She thinks you're her guy. And so what do you want, Robert?

Would you be okay to not talk to her for six months? Would you be okay to end it completely? I think so, but she said in the past that, if I end it, that she won't come back. Okay. Well, it sounds like you need to end it though. I mean, Robert, I don't know. It's not like a one-time conversation, but I think, you know, you're sounding, no, no, you're sounding like you just, she's not going to listen to you.

And that's what she wants. Maybe you guys want different things right now. I think asking for a break, but then you can't keep going back and forth. You're gonna have to not talk to her for a few months and see how you feel. But she also, if she can't handle that, she can't, you know, she's not your person, but I think kind of sticking up

or what you want and then explain to her why you need the space, why you're not ready for that is totally okay. But just kind of having more words around it, having other conversations and not allowing her to push you into something you don't want. It's really just a matter of that. Of course she says, honestly, if you've been sleeping the other for tears and you say,

I love you, she thinks you know, you love her. But I get that there was a little negotiation and all that, but that's just semantics. So really I just think you got to get clear on what you really want, because maybe someone else will come in, you know, the picture. But right now it sounds like you just need time alone. And I think there's nothing wrong with that, okay? Okay. All right, Robert, thanks for calling.

Let me know. I'll be here for you every night. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, our interns, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmv.com. and back it sucks with M.E..com.