Sex With Emily - Say Goodbye to Awkward Sex

Episode Date: February 2, 2022

As much as we’d like sex to be seamlessly hot all the time, sometimes…it gets a little awkward. Too much teeth during a blowjob. An erection that won’t last. Someone farts! It happens - and when it does, it can seriously derail the mood.But does it have to? I’m of the opinion that if we know how to respond during moments like these – with compassion, collaboration, and sometimes a sense of humor – an erotic moment doesn’t have to come to an abrupt halt. So on today’s show, I’m taking the point of view of someone who didn’t “do” the awkward thing, they witnessed it. And by the end, you’ll know how to hold space, how to handle situations like these, and not shame the person on the other side – so you can keep the party going, and continue having fantastic sex. Show Notes:What It Really Means When You Can’t Stay HardThe Vulva Gallery  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Remember when you're watching porn, they're like putting makeup on the vulvas, they're cheating towards camera, there's lights, there's all the things that you don't get to see a wide variety of vulvas. I mean, honestly, Barry, Teller, and Google, all vulvas are beautiful and to see the wide variety of vulvas out there. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

As much as we'd like sex to be seamlessly hot all the time, sometimes it gets a little awkward. Too much teeth during a blowjob, an erection that won't last, someone farts. Hey, it happens and when it does, it can seriously derail the mood. But does it have to? I'm of the opinion that if we know how to respond during moments like these, with compassion, collaboration, and sometimes a sense of humor, an erotic moment doesn't have to come to an abrupt halt. So, on today's show, I'm taking the point of view of someone who didn't do the awkward thing.

They witnessed it. And by the end, you'll know how to hold space, how to handle situations like these, and not shame the person on the other side. So hey, you can keep the party going and continue having fantastic sex. Intentions with Emily for each episode, let's start off by setting an intention for the show. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? Well, my intention is to help you strengthen your nervous system.

So much of our ability to experience pleasure is based on our nervous system response, which is a fancy way of talking about fight or flight. If you know how to listen carefully, how to remain calm and peaceful, you've got way more capacity for eroticism. Please rate, review, sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, my new article, HowToMasterLoadestPosition, is up at sexwithemely.com. Also, check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips

and advice. If you want to ask me questions, call my hotline, 559, talk sex, or 559, talk sex or 559 825 5739. Leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Alright everyone, I'm about to dive into all your awkward sex questions, but in our everlasting goal to be better lovers, I want to share my top three tips right off the bat. So you can listen for these things as I'm answering questions.

Alright, let's do this. Oh, I also want to remind you that talking about sex is hard, which is why I get very, very specific about how to have the sex talks. This is not easy. Our partners are going to be on the defensive and keep these tips in mind. Awkward sex tip number one. Please try not to take things too personally. I get it. This one's tough. Especially when we're talking about something like erectile dysfunction, when we can go into self-blame mode. Are they not attracted to me? Did I turn them off?

Is that why they're not hard anymore? Trust me, it's not you. This person you're with is either nervous or there's an underlying health issue. By staying present and collaborative, you'll help them relax and help their fight or flight response relax too. That's one of the biggest reasons behind ED, the blood and the penis is flowing away to other parts of the body because they're a little scared. This is normal, it's human. By staying calm, you'll help them feel comfortable again. And hey, when we're comfortable, it's easier to get aroused and stay aroused. Oh, this example also goes for our vulva owning partners.

If you're with a vulva owner and you're wondering, why isn't she having orgasms? Why is she not getting wet? And maybe you blame yourself and you say, oh God, there's something wrong with my penis. I'm not giving her enough pleasure. She'd be a lot wetter and she'd have more orgasms. So just remember, if we turn our attention towards our partners and tried to be collaborative

and help them in a more thoughtful way, really listening and supporting them and take all the attention of off blaming ourselves, we're way more likely not to take it personally and truly supporting our partner to finding the best sex solutions there are. For every situation, awkward sex tip number two. Remind yourself that sex is a skill. It's not something anyone was born knowing. For example, if your partner is giving you oral and you feel just ouchy teeth, that's a teachable moment right there.

Use that as an opportunity to ask for a different technique, framed in terms of what you like. Nine terms of, hey, this is the right way to do it. You can say something like, hey, could we experiment a little? Could you pull your lips over your teeth like you're sucking on a popsicle? I love it like that. It turns me on so much. Prompt solved.

Awkward sex tip number three. Repeat after me. Compassion, collaboration, curiosity. These three qualities can get you out of any awkward sex bind, as can a little bit of humor when it's appropriate. Let's take it back to a reptile dysfunction and I'll give you an example. Okay, say you're with a penis owner and they lose their erection. If we respond to it with shame, it might sound like, ew gross, I can't believe this is happening

right now. Like, what's your problem? That's not going to go down over well. But if we respond with compassion, collaboration, curiosity, we can say something like, that's totally okay. Why do we try something different? I love all sorts of things during sex. What are you into?

Isn't that so much better? Doesn't it just calm you? Doesn't it just call me you? Does it make you want to work towards a solution with your partner? Does that take up some of the shame? The last thing I'll say is this. If you love sex as much as I do, I also want to encourage you to make breath work. Or meditation, or better yet both,

a regular part of your life. This will go a long way towards strengthening your nervous system so that when moments like these come up, your brain doesn't freak out. Which is really what's happening. We go, Oh, God, I can't be by farted. Oh, my penis. Oh, I'm not working on this. And then we're like, in this mind mode, click, click, click. But if you, if you trained yourself through breath work and meditation, to remain calm, you can say present and erotic. Before I recorded this show, I needed to ask my Instagram audience, and Instagram is sex with Emily, what is your most awkward sex mishap?

Just to get the party started here, just to get us in the mood, and here's what you said. Getting drunk and napping able to keep it up, climaxing so hard I farted. God, to me that sounds like a win. Jaws locked up giving a blowjob. Couldn't get it unstuck for like two minutes. Drill was everywhere. Losing a condom of a ginot now, my partner fished out. Been there.

Use my teeth to try to pull off my wife's panties over and accidentally bit her labia hard. Throwing up while giving a blowjob was allergic to her real cat. Snap poured down on her face while she was sucking my penis I was going down to my ex-wife and right as my tongue touched her clip she farted That's a farting guys. We're just gonna laugh off the farts. It is not a death sentence to your sex life I'm just saying I got gum stuck in my now husband's penis during oral. Okay. I've done that. I used to be addicted to chewing gum Bump stuck up my now husband's penis during oral. Okay, I've done that. I used to be addicted to chewing gum.

And I've done it as well. I'm just telling you, poop on a butt plug was embarrassing, but we recovered rather quickly. During a sexy hand job, I finished and semen kind of both of our faces. Made a girl's squirt, and she started crying because she thought she peed on me. Oh, I can't wait for the day that women just start laughing

and celebrating because they squirt. Who cares if it's pee? Who cares? Why is if it's pee, it's gonna stop you. What if like, oh my god, it's an amazing release. Ah, everyone, let's just celebrate the messiness of sex. Okay, and another one is, candle caught a pillow on fire.

I think I lit my phone on fire once during sex. And finally, my partner offered me conditioner to use as lube. Hey, I'm glad that you know that's funny because no, you shouldn't put conditioner inside of your vagina, but hey, I'm glad he was thinking of lube. But let's just make sure it's lube that's actually meant for sex, not lubrication for your hair. All right, guys, I think that all makes sex fun, right?

These are all things that we can reframe all of them, which we're going to do in the episode. This stuff is going to be less awkward and more satisfying. I promise. Now we're on to your questions. This is from Jewels 27 in New York. Hey Dr. Emily, first of all, I love your platform and less about sex, but I listen because of your positivity and energy while empowering and normalizing sex.

My question is the inevitable sex situation that seems to happen no matter how confident and sexy you are, it's still awkward. How do you A, prevent or B, play off, queeping? Can we normalize that? Eek! Okay, Jules, let's just talk about queeping for a minute. What is queeping? It's just the result of a trap pocket of air getting pushed out of your vagina. That's all it is. Usually it comes from someone using their finger aggressively or having a toy inside of

you or a penis. And that's what it is. It's not a fart. It doesn't smell. It's just a noise that sounds like farting. And we just think farting is the worst thing that ever happens, could ever happen during sex. So that's all that it is. How you deal with it is, you just keep going. To me, it's like a compliment like there's air going on. There's things happening.

My body's making noise. Like let's just reframe noises during sex. I feel like the more noises and the more mess, you should get a gold star. Like that means that we are really getting into it. We are letting go. We are making noises and having fun. So, number one, ignore it.

Or number two, just smile, laugh, and keep going with your moaning and feeling good. I don't know about you, but when there's been noises that have come out of my body during sex, it typically means that I am in the moment and there's something great happening and I'm feeling good. So can we just all agree? Let's all just make a virtual handshake right now. Just take a moment and say, give me a pledge. I promise to never shame myself or others when noises emit from their body parts. Can we just do that? Like, let it go.

Smile, laugh, and then just keep going. I hear from so many of you that are horrified. They're horrified. I can't believe I farted. I can't believe I creed. I can't believe I, uh, uh, like you're with this person. You're being so intimate with them. And so what? Noise has happened. So again, this is a practice because we're told, I think when we're younger or growing up, oh God, if that ever happens, I'd be devastated. I'm telling you from someone who is years under my belt here of having sex and awkward things happening,

you just smile and keep going. Thanks for your question, Jules. This is from Philip and I want to say, I'm going to answer Philip's question, but please, when you send me your questions, always include your age and where you live. It's just really helpful for me. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've listened to your podcast

and I really like it. And I thought, maybe you'd have a tip or two for my little problem I have. So I started dating a new girl. And the first time we had sex, I was nervous and couldn't maintain my erection. Now, I keep being nervous because that happened and it keeps happening.

That hasn't happened before and when masturbating, I didn't have any trouble. Because she's a three year old kid, we didn't have much opportunity to take things slow. And we would like to put less pressure on sex and I'm wondering if you have any tips for me. Thank you. Well, you explained this perfectly well, Philip. This is a really common experience whether we're talking about erectile dysfunction, meaning you lose your erection or premature ejaculation,

meaning you get to the finish line before you want to. These can all be based on one time it happening, and then you're so nervous it's gonna happen again that you keep repeating it over and over and over again. So what happens is your fight or flight response probably turned on, causing blood to flow away from your penis So work on calming yourself calming your nervous system deep deep rest before and during sex like deep breaths like you're breathing deep into your

Prophetic floor. This is a practice that helps with so much Helped with anxiety and helps as grounded in the moment and you can also try other things There are many, many ways to have sex. Sex isn't just about penetration. And maybe you just need to get more comfortable with her. A lot of this awkward stuff happens in the beginning and the reason why it perpetuates that it happens for years and years and years in relationships is because we never talk about it. So what are my first tips here is to when you are experiencing this and you feel like it happens again, and could let just say it's going to happen, turn all the attention towards her.

Maybe you can go down on her, give her a massage. I'm telling you, you're going to find something really cool happens when you focus all your attention on giving. When you focus on giving, your attention is no longer on your penis. It's no longer on how you, your performance. And you just might find that, wow, look at here, your erection comes back and that happens more often than not. I also have a great article on my site, what it really means when you can't stay hard,

you might want to read that for a little bit more information, but you know, a lot of it has to do with blood flow, but a lot of it is also psychological. And I think that's a really important thing to look at that like I said, you can kind of learn to work on your anxiety and emotions. There are some physiological reasons for ED and those are heart disease, smoking or drinking too much, diabetes, high blood pressure. There could be certain medications,

you could have high cholesterol. I mean, I know that is a really long list. So what you can do is just make sure that you're healthy and that you're exercising regularly, you know, you can do the penis ring, you can also talk to your doctor, you can get your hormones tested and your blood work tested. I think it will be very helpful for you to learn how to manage your anxiety, but I've also given you these other physiological reasons that could be a part of it just so you can get checked out and see what that is, but it sounds to me like this hasn't happened before to you, and so

it could just be circumstantial. And let's just say that it is. I'm feeling good about it. So focus on her and see what happens. You might just be saying hello to your erection sooner than you think. All right. This is from Timmy27 in Arizona. Hey, Dr. Emily, my wife says she is trouble coming to orgasm if she gets too wet. Therefore, there's not really much for play, which I love. She typically just wants to jump right into it. Is there anything we can do to fix it? Thanks so much. I love your show. Okay, so it sounds like there's

two different issues going on here. A, there's not enough for play for you, but B, she is difficulty orgasming when she gets too wet. Now, let's talk about wetness for a minute. So the vagina and the vulva, they're like finely tuned engines. So the fluids that we are produced keep it all running smoothly. Something that can really impact the delicate ecosystem of our vagina is medications we're taking, if you're wearing synthetic underwear. You might have something like bacterial vaginosis, it could be stress, there's a lot of things that are going to impact our pH balance, our wetness level, all the things.

Birth control pills could also have an impact on our wetness level. But let's just talk about wetness for a moment here. There are two glands that produce lubrication. There's the Bartholian glands, and these are found on each side of the entrance to the vagina, and then there's the skin glands, and those are found closer to the urethra. And all you need to know here is that the lubrication comes from vaginal mucus and vaginal sweating, which I know that doesn't sound sexy, but that's the technical term for it. Your vagina can sweat. So if it's really wet and there's problems with it, she could always go get checked out by her general practitioner or a gynecologist,

but I want you to remember that everybody is different. We're all going to produce different amounts of lubrication. And it's important to communicate with your partner about all of these things. So if she's saying to you, because you're also wanting some foreplay here, to me, I get that. And she says she gets really wet

and that's kind of preventing her from receiving foreplay and going deeper. So it might help for you guys to try out different positions, different angles, changing the sensations and the depth. There's certain positions you can do that can create more friction. Like during penetrated positions, if she keeps her legs tight together, tighter, then this can create more friction. When people get too wet during sex, when I hear from Volvo owners,

just have a towel by the bed. Like literally, if you have to pick up a towel every five minutes and just wipe it down, do that. And then you put it back on the ground and you pick it up again, communicating about it and just saying, hey, this wet thing's happening again. I'm really wet. Let's just have systems in place.

We're gonna talk about positions that we're gonna do. We're gonna have a towel nearby and finding positions that work for you. Now, something else I've been told works is if she's really, really wet and it becomes a problem with her really experiencing pleasure, she can't take an anahistamine that would help dry up extra lubrication. I mean, think about it. If your nose is running, you take an anahistamine and if your vagina is producing a lot of

wetness, it's the same thing. But I don't know. I don't love suggesting medication for these kind of things. A few other things you can also use toys. If you add some toys to the mix, that can also help enhance stimulation. You could wear a penis ring around your penis. And that might also help with some allowing her to feel more sensations. And for you to feel some more sensations. Here's another tip. You can also put a menstrual C sponge inside of your vagina before intercourse. Now, she can do this and it will soak up much of the lubrication.

You just need long fingers to kind of get it out afterwards, and you just got to read about it online. Now, another thing you can do is you can try using a condom, which also adds more friction. I also think that pelvic floor exercises are helpful for all of us, especially for vulva owners. Those are the muscles that you clench and relax, you know, when you're, they're like your pee-stapping muscles. And so, these are like at the entrance to the vagina

and so the more that you strengthen them, it will also help you feel mortaring sex, it will help both of you feel mortaring sex because they'll help enhance our orgasm and you can also use them to clench and tighten around your penis. These are some tips here for the wetness but I think that really it's important to have a conversation with our outside the bedroom and say hey I've learned some things that we could do to kind of make sure that we're both getting our needs met would you be into it. And again you want to make sure like I think it's hot that you get wet. I think it's really great. I love churning you on, all these things.

I'm not about one partner being the one to solve everything in the relationship. So if you bring your partner on board for it, then you're both in it together. And just incredible, pleasurable sex for both of you is right around the corner. This is from Emily 38 in London. Hey, Dr. Emily, I love your show so much. I want to appreciate your advice. I'm currently dating a guy with a large penis who especially likes oral sex. I like it too, but don't have so much experience and when I tried putting in my mouth, I heard

him with my teeth because my mouth is also quite small. I'd like to try again but I feel nervous. What should I do? Thank you so much. Alright Emily, well here's the thing. It probably might have been a shock to you. Maybe you haven't had as much experience and you have a little mouth. He's got a big penis.

So let's just talk about working around here, some work around here. First, make sure that your lips are covering your teeth. So you kind of like, like, something like a, like somebody without teeth, right? Like, you can't see what I'm doing here, but I'm, per person my lips and my lower lip around my teeth. And you really want to make sure that you are in that position going into it. So you're just keeping your teeth away from the penis. But when I get it, it's really large. That can be hard to do. Maybe you already tried that and you're like, I couldn't get it in my mouth with the extra lipid in there. The important thing to know is that when it is a very large penis,

that oral sex is it just about your mouth. I'm going to repeat that again. Oral sex, not just about your mouth, your mouth skills. There's a lot of different things you can do. Remember, practice using your mouth and your tongue. You can use your mouth for a minute and then your tongue. You want to flick and lick the shaft, the tip, the frenulum, which is the underside of the penis where the shaft meets the head. That's the most sensitive part for many penis owners. So if you lick that and you are like using your mouth and your tongue, and also you want to use your hands. Your hands are your best friend when performing oral on a penis. And it doesn't have to, again, just be about the mouth no matter what the size of the

penis. You want to get your hands involved. Hell, use both hands. And this way you can twist, you can grip, you can tickle, and always, always, always use lots and lots of loob. I don't even try to get enough saliva on my mouth anymore. I just always have a loob on my nightstand in a pump bottle ready to go. So it's about using your hands, it's about using your mouth and your tongue. And also,

going back to your hands for a minute, you don't have to put both hands on the shaft. How about his testicles? Does he like the sensation of you playing with them, holding them in your hand, or maybe stimulating with your fingers or your mouth, because you know they just they're right there beneath the shaft and maybe those would be fun to play with as well. Finally your position is so important. You're going to need leverage here for a larger penis so make sure you find a position where you can be in control of the depth and the speed and the technique. So you might want to be sitting up and like kneeling between his legs, you know you might need some be sitting up and kneeling between his legs.

You might need some pillows to get some leverage. Maybe he's sitting on a chair or on the couch and you come in next to him. I really like the couch for sex because there's some more leverage you can have like the back of the couch is like leaning against the wall. There's also the armrests are fun too.

I don't know. I just think it can be fun to play around and it's not in the bedroom. The bed sometimes isn't so great for some of these sex visions, but imagine if he's sitting up and you're like sitting next to him or you're straddling him, there just could be some great work around there for you to give him the most pleasure. And also, talk to him. Talk to him about how the bedroom tell ask him what feels good. Tell him you can't wait. You've been thinking about going down and again and you can't wait and you want to know are there any things that you really

likes? Oh, bonus. Use a vibrator. That's another thing. And it doesn't have to be a special vibrator. It can be the one that you have. It can be a literal vibrator. Vibrations feel good on all body parts. I'm just going to say that on every show for the rest of my life. Vibrations feel good on all body parts. Now, you might need a lower setting on the vibe. I tend to vibe myself on a higher setting than I do my partners. I tend to put it on a lower setting and then I use that to like tease and tickle. There are their balls, their shaft, their tip, and I'm telling you it's been a real crowd pleaser for many a partner. Have fun with it Emily. I understand the stress here, but there's some new techniques that you can take into the bedroom and let me know how it

goes. Thanks, Emily. Okay, we're going to take a quick break, but stick around. When we return, I'm digging into all of your email questions. This is from Barry and he writes, Dear Dr. Emily, my girlfriend hates the way her Volvo looks. She's a mildly prominent interlebia and she won't even let me see it in the light. I think her insecurities around this are hurting her ability to orgasm when we fool around. She can't orgasm while masturbating, which we like to do together. But I can't get her there when I try, even with a vibrator. I certainly don't have any problem with her labia, but she wants a labia plastic surgery.

I just wanted to love herself the way she is. Do any suggestions on how I can make her feel as beautiful as I see her? Thanks so much, Dr. Emily. I've loved your show since I learned about you on Loveline. Oh, I love doing love line with my friends Dr. Drew and Mike. Thank you, Barry, for your question, and I'm glad you are here with me. That's sex with Emily. All right, so sounds like your girlfriend has labia, body, dysmorphia. So I think this has been happening way more since we've had porn available in our pockets on our smartphones. People were not asking me this question before porn was everywhere and all you see is a slit of a vulva

and porn and remember when you're watching porn just side note they're like putting makeup on the vulvas, they're cheating towards camera, there's like lights, there's all the things that are just you don't get to see a wide variety of vulvas. I mean honestly Barry tell her to Google all vulvas are beautiful and to see the wide variety of vulvas out there and encouraging her. Telling her you think it's beautiful and maybe next time if she does let you go down in her and you can just tell her the whole time of how beautiful she is, how much you love

it, how much it turns you on. I think that that goes a long way and we've just got to get her to open up her legs to you. I really don't want her to get labia plastic. It is so not necessary. In fact, the only time it's really necessary to get a labia plastic is when the labias are really too like they hurt, like they're staying really, really low or I remember there was a doctor on my show telling me that there was a woman. She's a professional swimmer and she would swim and like it would come out of her underwear when she was trying to swim and it made it harder for her to do her sport.

So unless it's like getting in the way, usually just insecurities that we have because somebody loved to build up all of our insecurities, we don't love to do it, but we can't help to do it. And I just think the more she can get into her body, you let her know how beautiful is and googling, like when I first saw these vulva galleries, there's one else on Instagram called like the vulva gallery. And you literally see they're all so different. It's like our own, they're like snowflakes.

Our own personal fingerprints are our vulvas. There's no right or wrong vulva. And what I love that you're saying is she's able to have orgasms, she masturbates, she feels good in her body. It's just this trick. So the, it's just this one little thing. So the more we can use all the ways that we talk about affirmations, she wants to write those every morning.

My body is beautiful. My labia is strong and allows me to have pleasure. That helps looking at the mirror and just allowing you to pleasure her, really might allow her to realize that there's vulva and her body is here to serve her and to give her pleasure and to feel good. And the only thing that's stopping her is her thoughts that are not making her feel good. What's wrong with that? We've got to change that around. So thank you so much for your question, Barry. You sound like a very loving and supportive partner. This is from Tati, 26 in Illinois. Hi, Dr. Emily. Thank you for such a great and intentional show. I have a friends with

Benefits Boundary Question. I would sleep in with a friend of mine for a few weeks. He's a nice guy, and we're set on combating the orgasm gap every time we get together, and our communication is also pretty good. There is one hiccup. The man's house is dirty. I am 26, I live alone,

I like to maintain my home clean and orderly. He's 30, and I couldn't tell you when he last scrubbed his tub. The state of his home is a turn-off in and out of the bedroom. Please note, he is great personal hygiene and is well groomed so that's not a problem. I'm not comfortable when I go over and I'm dying to clean it. Some of my hang-ups are also tied to my sexuality. I'm a queer woman and he's the first cis straight man I've had a sexual relationship with in years. I feel like it bothers me in a kind of structural, gender role level that he won't clean. I mean, I've never brought to subject as I'm

not sure what a good boundary is here. Don't want to be rude. I also don't want to overstep. Am I violating FWB code and merging it to some girlfriend territory by bringing it up? Is it too much to ask from to clean the toilet? And do you have any advice about navigating what I feel is such a heteronormative request? I.E., a woman asking a man to clean up after himself, I don't think I want to sleep with a man who cannot maintain a tidy home. As unfortunate it would be to see the sex go, I would be willing to end things over this. It's such a turn off.

Thanks again for all the care and attention you invest into this show. Now, I understand this. A dirty house is a turn off. I don't care about your gender at all. I mean, maybe it's had our normative, but it's not unreasonable. I've dated a guy in his house with so dirty, and I was like, I can't go over there.

I just need to, and I never telling about it, and he got really insulted because I probably I probably said in a way it's like you really have to clean your house there's like an inch of dirt because I'm not always perfect guys I've been putting my hand going there's a lot of dirt everywhere so you are not alone but listen sometimes my house and isn't clean either and there might have been some men in my past who were like really Emily so again I would I think this part of it while I understand where you're coming from I think it's less about gender and more about just

We're inviting someone over to our house. Let's do the best we can to wipe off the toilets Vacuum put some things away and especially if they're in your bed like clean the sheets wipe off the nightstands Just take 20 minutes to judge before someone comes over. I just want to say that right now, I think this is actually going to be really great, Ripple. Like, go take a look at your bedroom. Take a look at your house right now. Do you want to lover to come over and see it the space?

Now, sometimes our dirt is so close to us that we don't even, we didn't even realize it. We're like, oh, yeah, I guess it's pretty bad. So I don't think this is gonna be such an, so offensive to them. Maybe no one's ever made the request. Maybe he doesn't really realize how dirty it is. You know, it's funny,

because the X that I'm referring to, what we're still very good friends, he got really upset that I, you know, about his house being dirty, and then he finally got a house cleaner because he didn't have time. And then I know he was with another woman after me, and they broke up.

He's like, Emily, you are much nicer. She told me that my house was disgusting. She was, she was a lot more aggressive with him. And he finally like moved and gleaned the place. So all I'm saying is sometimes we need to take you doing him a favor. You're just a friend with benefits, maybe eventually if he's looking for a long-term partner, this is going to serve him well in every area of his life. And it's probably going to help his mood as well. It's going to probably going to help his confidence level as well. So you want to know how to approach it. I'm going to give you my timing, tone, and turf outside the bedroom.

Your tone is light and curious and helpful. And the timing is when you are just hanging out, chilling in a good space. So maybe the next time you go on a date or you're hanging out, having conversations and say, hey, maybe you guys talk on the phone a lot, just say, there's something I want to talk to you about. And you can even be honest with them. It's something that I haven't really dealt with before and I don't want this to come across as rude

or I'm trying to control you or anything at all. But I'm a very neat and tidy person. And every area of my life is neat, clean, and I have a hard time going to friends house, whether it's friends or lovers, when it's not that neat. There's a few things that I really need to feel aroused and be connected with the partner. We've got so many of those going on. I really trust you.

I find you super sexy. You're such a turn on. I like having conversations with you, so I need to feel attracted to someone physically. I need to feel intellectually connected to physically. I need to feel intellectually connected to them. I need to trust them. But another thing, which is kind of one of my things is I really need to be an environment that feels clean. My house is really clean.

I know, but maybe you got a lot going on, but your house seems less so. And I don't want to offend you in any way. This is a hard thing to say to you because I care about you. But I'm wondering how it might feel to you to kind of maybe wipe down the toilet or scrub the tub or change the sheets before I come over. How does that sound to you? Is that something you'd be willing to do? Would you be willing to kind of clean up a little bit before I come over? Because

I love to continue to have this awesome sex that we're having and this wonderful connection. But if it's not something you're willing to do, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to continue with this much longer. So that's my recommend. I don't know if I was someone and my partner said that to me. At first I might feel like, oh gosh, I guess it is pretty, or what are you saying? Are people get defensive? But if I really thought about it, I'm like, really? You just want me to wipe off the tub? You want me to wash the sheets so we can continue to have hot sex? I'm in! So, let's hope that your FWB is down with the plan.

I'd love to know how it goes, Tati, so stay in touch. This is from Amanda, 23 in Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been with my partner for over four years now. He's a fun loving, go with the flow, silly kind of guy. I don't get a hint to be the more uptight, serious one in the relationship. I find that this contrast in our personalities has mostly been great and beneficial to both of us. I help him get serious what he needs to and he reminds me that not everything in life has to be so serious. I love him to death and we've lots of fun together. I do have one issue that I've tried talking to him about death and we have lots of fun together. I do have one issue

that I've tried talking to him about for years now and have seen no progress. When I'm upset or dealing with something important, his instant response is sarcasm. I've told him how it makes me feel like he thinks I'm overacting. But his response is always, well, that's just what my family is like. We're all always sarcastic. Well, I can appreciate his sarcasm in most circumstances. My stress and emotions are not one of them. Furthermore, he rarely initiates sex. And when he does, he's overly silly and sarcastic.

And it just turns me off completely. Even when I initiate sex, his response is sarcasm and silliness. It makes me feel like he doesn't want to connect with me, and like sex isn't important to him. I've tried communicating with him about how this impacts me emotionally and sexually, but I just can't seem to get him to understand its impact. I'd really appreciate some advice on communicating this with him. Oh Amanda, this is such a great question and really, really common. I think that we all have coping mechanisms.

Sarcasm around emotions, Sarcasm around sex, how to ask for more sincerity. Sarcasm is probably a defense mechanism against being vulnerable. Really what this is about is him learning that it's safe to not make a joke. Because Sarcasm has its place, and for him, it's been this coping mechanism, a go-to behavior, a way to deal with any complicated emotions. Make a joke. At least he has the awareness to know, like, this is what my family does.

And I'm assuming that you're both in your early 20s, so he only left his home a few years ago, unless he still lives at home, which is fine too. But if he does, he's very aware that no one in my family talks about emotions. And we're really funny and joky and sarcastic, but emotions are no go. And think about it, and you've know his family. They probably all sat around making jokes, pushing big scary emotions down deep. So, this might

be the first time he's seen this defense mechanism, coping mechanism, not working. So if you really love this guy and it sounds like you do, it's going to take some time. Will you let him know? Again, outside the bedroom, talking about this in salism. I know I brought this up to you before and I know it feels like I'm controlling

or it's not a big deal or this is just how you are. But I want to tell you how it makes me feel. Now first, I know you're not doing some purpose. I know this is a habit because really it's a habit. He hasn't even realized he's doing it. He just makes a joke when something's uncomfortable happens. And you can give him examples, like if you can have three examples, like the time that I initiated sex and you started being silly about it or the time that I told you about my work day that was stressful and you made this joke like so does they need to know examples. And just say in those moments, I really think that we can work together on this because I hear what you're saying. I understand that it's a habit.

I understand your family does it, but how it makes me feel is it makes me want to shut down. It makes me feel discounted. It makes me feel like I'm not important to you. It makes me feel like you don't care. It makes me feel like I can't share things with you. And it makes you shut down sexually. Like, I don't know. If I was your partner, I'd want to listen there. You're going to have to reinforce and say,

I know you're not doing some purpose. I know that this is something that's so foreign to you. And I love that you realize that it's part of your family's patterns. Because remember, all of us, if we grew up with a family, we are our family. We are doing the same things that they did. Now, for better or for worse, there's some wonderful things we all learned from our families, but there's some other things where we just didn't have a choice. We are literally animals being raised in a kingdom by these parents or by these siblings, and we are all watching each other doing the same things over and over and over again, which is why family feels so comfy cozy.

But it doesn't necessarily mean that it's helping us. So I would let him know that it's going to take us some time and you're willing to work with them. You could create like a special word, you know, like a safe word and you could say like or a safe action. You could say, babe, would you be open the next time this happens that I say, there's that joke again. All right, reach out and grab your hand

and look at you in the eyes. You know, is there an action or a funny thing that you could do that would get him to reset and look in the moment and say, oh, I'm doing it again. Because the only way we change behaviors is if we're accountable and we keep trying and trying and trying, like me not saying like, or me not saying I'm sorry. I've had to really trade myself just to not say it reactively.

And sometimes I say, I'm sorry, and I go, I'm not sorry. And that could be a really weird thing for you to listen to, but changing our behaviors is not easy. So tell them that you're willing to work with them, because I can only imagine that this is not something that you want to continue for the rest of his life. So you guys are young, you can change your behaviors at any time. Now let's also talk about initiating sex. Remember, your partner, not initiating sex, is also way to protect himself from being

vulnerable. When he does initiate sex, there's no risk in being rejected by you. There's no risk. He's not putting himself out there. So again, this is something he's have to learn if he's never initiating. Show him what you would like when you're sharing something emotional. Show him how you'd like him to initiate sex. You just have to guide him here. Now, you can also bring up that the last time you initiate or when you initiate, he makes jokes and it's silly. So the next time he does that, you could look at him and say, okay, this is one of

those moments. And maybe if you guys learn to breathe together like a 5D breath and 5, okay, this is one of those moments. And maybe if you guys learn to breathe together like a five deep breaths and five, like looking to each other's eyes for a few seconds, that's a real grounding experience that will allow him to get out of his head and maybe start feeling what's really going on in his emotions for the first time. Therapy, also a great way to do this.

If it's something that he's very resistant to, he can always go see a therapist because I don't know Maybe a lot of these jokes and a lot of these emotional Behaviors are to protect him from some really deep Troubling things that might have happened as childhood. So let's see how this goes. You sound like a really loving partner and I'm sure that he wants to you Please you and be in this relationship as well. So do your best here and let me know how it goes. This is from Alisa, 29 in Canada.

Dear Dr. Emily, I'm a vulva owner and I struggle with giving myself permission to be loud during sex, not because of my partner, but from a fear of being disruptive, surveyed, or overheard by other cis men. It sounds ridiculous even when I type it out. This fear of surveillance then leads me to not feeling safe, which then makes it hard to relax and experience my full spectrum of pleasure. I know this is partially due to the sexual trauma I've experienced in my life and also wrapped up in shame connected to the patriarchy, but my millennial life has always required me

to live in close proximity to others, whether it's apartment buildings, levels of a house, etc. I want to be able to engage with my full sexual self, even if I know someone can hear me through the wall or the floor below. How do I begin to let this go and allow myself to take up sexual space? Oh, Lisa, I'm so glad you're asking this question because let me just remind everybody, researchers found that the more noise people make during sex, the less inhibited they are in the bedroom.

There is a direct correlation between increasing mones, lowering inhibitions and enhancing rousal. Plus, an authentic mone will naturally open our throats and deepen our breath, which, guess what, leads to more powerful orgasm. And it truly maximizes your power, and that power, like it is so empowering type of way, although that is part of it. Rather, we are talking about how sound can intensify the event of being sexual, whether

you are partnered or solo. It intensifies everything, and it definitely intensifies your pleasure. Also vocalizing during sex can make a partnered experience way more intimate, because it's signaling pleasure, which guess what that does, then it boosts confidence in a partner's performance. Think of it like positive reinforcement. Our sex noises as a form of copulatory communication, and the most direct way to let our partners know

that what they're doing feels so good. I mean, really, nothing says like, that's the spot, like an authentic moan of approval, especially in those moments when the blood is rushing away from our head and toward our genitals. The more you learn to feel comfortable with your authentic noise that you make during sex, the more pleasure you're going to have. Breath also helps, too. It's one of the memories that when you breathe deeply, that also helps to relax your pelvic floor muscles, which are responsible for orgasm. And if you're worried about volume control, let's talk about that. You can use a pillow,

like you can put a pillow over your face in a very, in a way that's not covering your, your entire face, but just your mouth so you can so breathe through your nose, that could help muffle out the sound. You could also get creative, just soundproof your space. Just think, think drapery, area rugs. There's actually some rugs right now that they're selling that are just made for soundproofing. Put a thick pad under the rugs. Tons of throw pillows, pillows. Tons of throw pillows. Even acoustic panels. My studio where you record the show,

there was a street right below and you never heard the traffic because we had really thick acoustic panels. It's the security of knowing that you have soundproofed your space and made it your own. We'll allow you to create the environment that you need that helps you feel safe to express your space and made it your own will allow you to create the environment that you need that

help you feel safe to express all of your sex noises and your sexual pleasure because that's just really hot and I'm telling you I used to I don't know when it happened over the years but I'm pretty loud during sex I've talked about that in the show before and I literally love it. I don't even ask I don't even mind. I'm like, oh yeah, I'm loud. Here's a new partner. It's literally become a part of me. I can't have sex without being loud

and making my noises because it just feels like I'm restricting myself. Which is why I love, love, love, what you said here. And you know this, Alisa, you know, I'm gonna quote you here, Alisa, you said that it's hard to relax and experience my full spectrum of pleasure.

Well, I want everyone to think about how are you restricting your full spectrum of pleasure? What are you doing that's holding yourself back right now from having the pleasure and the sex that you deserve? Let's remove those barriers I'm here for you. Jocelyn 33 in Pennsylvania. Hey, Dr. Emily, me, my boyfriend of sex all the time, but he jerks off all the time. I feel like he likes it more than having sex with me. One time he jerked off an hour after us having sex, he jerks off to porn or video or people or messenger. What do I do? I don't even know how to feel about it. Is he doing because he's bored?

Alright, Jocelyn. Sounds like we need to do some more education here and a little bit more conversation with your partner. Now, typically, people masturbate because it's part of being sexually healthy. Having a healthy masturbation practice for all genders is crucial to you being a great lover to yourself and others. Now, I was right with you, Jocelyn. I had a boyfriend in my 20s that when I found out he masturbated all the time and watched porn, I was horrified. I was like, but I don't look like her. And we keep talking about how we're having the best

sex of our lives. Why do you need to masturbate? And I think this is the hump that a lot of us need to get past. I'm trying to educate you and let you know that masturbation is healthy. Jocelyn, I hope that you're still masturbating. Let me acknowledge that there can be problems with masturbation. There can be a reliance on masturbation where you do it all the time in ways that you don't even want to, but you can't help it because you want that stress relief. And you can't stop masturbating because you're distracting yourself or you're trying to think about other things. And it's a self soothing behavior.

And some would call an addiction, I'm not going to label it. I'm just going to say if there's a consequence in your masturbation, then you got to take a look at that. Maybe there's a consequence in your masturbation, then you got to take a look at that. Maybe there's a problem with it if you can no longer get a rouse with a partner. If it's impacting your ability to work, there's a lot of ways that it can't consequences. But let's talk about this, Justin, for a second. Now, I want you to know that your partner is not masturbating because he's not into you.

In fact, sex begets sex. It would make sense that the more sex you're having, the more he's going into you. In fact, sex begets sex. So it would make sense the more sex you're having the more He's going to want to masturbate. We say we have sex all the time, but I haven't heard it's this quality sex You have in your needs met. Do you like the sex you're having? Does he like the sex you're having? Have you guys ever had a conversation about your sex life? About your desires? About your turn-ons? About what you're both into? What you both like what you want to do, what your fantasies are.

You know, because I think if you go after him, you say, what's all the masturbation? You know, I realize you're masturbating right away, and I think that's terrible, and he's gonna shut down. Remember, when we go after our partners, criticizing them for something like that, for especially an intimate act like masturbation, he's just gonna shut down, push you away,

but I think getting curious and saying, you know, I've thought about it. And I know that masturbation is part of being sexually healthy. I've had to learn this. But sometimes it just makes me feel less desired. And like, I really want to get past that. But I want to understand like, I thought what help if we talk about our sex life? I'd love to know what are the three most memorable times you've had sex?

And think about the three most memorable times you think that you've had sex as well. What are your biggest turn-ons? Is there anything new we can try in the bedroom? You know, I want to know about your pleasure as well here, Jocelyn, and you can, again, are you getting your needs met? And I think the more couples talk about sex about pleasure and what they want in the bedroom, the less you're gonna let these external things like him masturbating and doing other things, take you out of the moment and have you worrying so much about it. So I think that the more you can up your sex talks, figure out how you're both fully into each other and what you want and less focus on the masturbation and more on how you can

grow and learn and evolve together. We'll serve you both really well. Thanks, Chocelyn. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner.

You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline, 559 Talk Sex.

That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily Podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. you