Sex With Emily - Seduce Yourself: Solo Sex Tips

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

It’s the season of love - self love! That’s right, this Valentine’s Day, I’ve got all of you singles covered. In today’s Best Of episode, you’ll learn the health benefits of self-pleasure ...and how it helps you not only reduce stress but elevate your mood. It's also a gateway to understanding your body, boosting your self-esteem, and giving you some serious pleasure. In this episode, you’ll learn: How often you should masturbate in a relationship How to try masturbation when you never have The magic of mutual masturbation See the full show notes at Show Notes: The Psychology of Your Kink How to Squirt (For Real) Your February Solo Sex Challenge LELO DOT (up to 50% off until the end of February, code EMILY10 for an additional 10% off) We-Vibe Touch Je Joue Mimi We-Vibe Rave We-Vibe Nova Pjur Water-Based Lube Aneros Prostate Massager SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 Sex with Emily is looking for a new senior podcast producer. We are sorry to say goodbye to Erica, but she is leaving to pursue her music career. And I know she's going to have much success. We are looking for a senior producer right now that can start and help us with content production. You have technical expertise. You know how to manage a team. You can collaborate and you have experience working in production with audio or podcasting and video. And you're also familiar with the content
Starting point is 00:00:33 because you're listening to the show. Send your cover letter and resume to jobs at We'd love to have you join our growing team, and we have a good time over here. Thank you. But the reason why a lot of guys don't like oral is because they don't really know what they're doing because they haven't been with a partner who either enjoyed receiving it or actually knew how to articulate what they want.
Starting point is 00:01:00 So if you could make this like a shared experience, Lydia with your boyfriend and she'd be like, hey, I'm excited to be exploring together and learning new things. Let's start with learning about my body together. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.
Starting point is 00:01:22 It's the season of love. Self-love That's right, this Valentine's Day I've got all your singles covered. In today's Best of Episode, you'll learn the health benefits of self-pleasure and I would help you not only reduce stress, but elevate your mood. It's also a gateway to understanding your body, boosting your self-esteem, and giving you some serious pleasure. I also answer your questions about how to try masturbation when you never have, which sex toys to use, and also the magic of mutual masturbation.
Starting point is 00:01:51 It's honestly one of my favorite tips. I get into the tricky relationship between shame and fantasy and discuss how often you should masturbate in a relationship, which is probably more than you think. Please please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. It helps more people find the show so they can have better sex just like you. My new articles, The Psychology of Your Kink,
Starting point is 00:02:14 and How to Squirt for Real are up on Plus, if you haven't seen yet, I have a February solo sex challenge. It's live on my website right now. And you know what, I love when I launch something and I can tell right away you guys are obsessed with it. You're all downloading the February sex challenge. I have a friend who was at dinner with some friends
Starting point is 00:02:34 who didn't know that we knew each other and they were all doing the February solo sex challenge. So it's working, it makes sense because you all wanna have hot sex and you wanna up level your sex game and you don't have to start it right now. You don't have to even start in February, but really, why not?
Starting point is 00:02:49 You did love the January sex challenge we did last month, so we're just gonna keep doing them. Make sure you keep an eye out at only if you want to have your best sex in 2024 and really, why wouldn't you? It's time, people. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. As we enter this season of love, it's time to talk about a little something that's been
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Starting point is 00:05:53 on their journey to self-love. Let's talk about masturbation for a minute. Just because masturbation is something that I encourage, I know that a lot of you either are bored with your masturbation routine, you still have some challenges around it, you know, maybe you grew up in an environment where it wasn't accepted, or maybe you don't love that your partner masturbates, but you don't masturbate, which is when I think you need to masturbate. But let me just remind you some of the basics here before I go in and answer your questions. But let me just remind you some of the basics here before I go in and answer your questions. There are health benefits to masturbating.
Starting point is 00:06:28 It releases sexual tension. It reduces your stress. It can help you sleep better. It improves your self-esteem and your body image. I mean, once you learn how to give yourself an orgasm and what feels good, you look in a mirror, all the things, you're going gonna realize, like, my body's pretty amazing. It also relieves mental cramps and tension. It can help strengthen your muscle tone
Starting point is 00:06:50 and your pelvic and anal areas. It's a natural pain relief when you have an orgasm. So a lot of you just say though, why should I masturbate if I have a partner? Well, again, that's why, those health benefits, and it's a way to stay connected with yourself. It literally is the ultimate definition of self love. It's a very intimate experience with ourselves. We discover more things about ourselves. We can play, we can make it fun, we can spice it up.
Starting point is 00:07:15 And just remember this, just because your partner masturbates and they're with you does not mean that they are not into you and they don't love you or they want something different. It just means they need a release and it's part of connecting with themselves. Also in this episode, I mentioned the G spot a few times and I just want to clarify that I believe it's more of a G area. I think the name G spot has got a lot of over owners worried that they're they don't have the spot. It's a different place.
Starting point is 00:07:42 I believe it's more of an internal clitoral nerves because your clitoris has nerves inside. And also it was named after a guy named Graffenberg. And we know that he didn't have a vulva. So it's an area, have fun looking for other ways to orgasm rather than focusing on a spot. Here's the other thing. I asked on Instagram, I was like,
Starting point is 00:08:03 how did you learn to masturbate? We put this in our stories, which is Sex with Emily and you answered practice, porn, experimenting, trial and error. Accidentally, I was in middle school and just started feeling around for what felt good. Someone else said I just started touching myself thanks to the Miss America pageant and mesh shorts.
Starting point is 00:08:22 Through reading dirty fan fiction when I was 14, apparently your podcast, I was a masturbation virgin. God, that happens. You realize doing a podcast for 15 years that some of you grew up listening to this podcast, which is amazing. The internet, self-taught, the movie American Pie. My mom gave me a book about puberty.
Starting point is 00:08:40 Accidentally in the shower when water pressure gave me an erection. I've heard that a lot. A lot of accidental, incredible feelings with a showerhead. I found a vibrating pen when I was 14 and used that. Here's another common one. I just started humping pillows. A lot of you answered that you were humping mattresses and stuffed animals. Someone else had pilates. Makes sense. You're tensing your pelvic floor the whole time. I ordered a book behind my parents' back
Starting point is 00:09:05 and it taught me how. Love it. Using the jets in my hot tub, watching Black Swan. And someone else said, my therapist at 30 years old. I love when you talk to your therapist about sex. Why don't you? All right, let's get into your email questions. This is from Jo Female, 52 in Chino Hills, California.
Starting point is 00:09:23 I've been listening to you for over a year now and because of you, I've been thinking more about my needs. I've been married for 31 years, but with my husband for 37 years. We are parents to three adult children now. We have a good sex life. I love him so much and enjoy pleasing him and giving him blowjobs every day, even twice if I'm lucky. Wow. He's also very generous with pleasing me. He's gone a lot because of work, so I'm alone a lot. I want to try masturbating, which I've never done, and I don't know how. I don't know where to start. Do I tell my husband? I feel a little embarrassed about doing that. You always talk about it, and it makes me feel like I'm missing something awesome. Any advice for me? Thanks. Can't wait to hear
Starting point is 00:10:03 from you. Well, welcome to masturbation, Joe. Yeah, no time like the present. First off, good news that you also have years of experience with your husband. You've had lots of great sex and I'm glad you said that he pleases you. So I'm assuming you already have orgasms and pleasure. And so you do know what feels good to you in relation to your husband's body, but now it's time to get out on your own. So I do have a little recipe here for you to get started. I always recommend taking a bath or shower and something to just kind of change your state. So you're not going for work or whatever, whatever you're doing these days and stressed out, but get into your body. It's really hard to get started with masturbation, just going like, now I touch myself, get into a bath. It really gets your body relaxed
Starting point is 00:10:51 and in the mood. Get yourself in the mindset where you're just going to start being present with your body, start to feel the warm water on your skin and scrub and just get into a different state. Set the mood as if you're going on a date, but it's with yourself. So what are all the things you would do before a night of sex? And I want you to give all of that to yourself. Then you can go into your bedroom or wherever you feel comfortable, turn off your phone.
Starting point is 00:11:17 And what I want you to understand is that this is more about curiosity. Without the goal of orgasm, it's more about what does it feel like to move your hands on your body? Something you've never done before. I recommend taking a mirror and taking a look and actually seeing how you how you look and look checking out your vulva and how you get aroused. You know how I feel about lube and just experiment with touch and Sensations you could also use a vibrator, but if you've never done it, I recommend just letting your hands figure out what feels good.
Starting point is 00:11:45 I mean, you could probably also channel being with your husband, and you probably know different body parts that feel good when stimulated, right? We have this muscle memory. But my main thing for you is just to give yourself 20 minutes and just see how it feels to touch your whole body, your breasts.
Starting point is 00:12:01 You can start with your labia, moving your fingers up and down and around in circles. Sometimes a light tapping or moving in circular motions like the pads of your fingers. Just start to breathe too. Breath is really important. Focus on how does it feel to be touched by your own hands? What is the sensation? Did you find yourself, again, still two in your head, I would just breathe deep, move
Starting point is 00:12:24 your fingers around. Is it a light tapping, circular motions? Is there something else that feels good? And I think you should absolutely tell your husband. I would think after 37 years, you guys have a close relationship, but he would probably, since he's so invested in your pleasure, he'd probably be really excited
Starting point is 00:12:41 that you're taking matters into your own hands. It's truly the greatest act of self love. Okay. This is from K 30 in California. Dear Dr. Emily, I've never orgasmed with a vibrator before and that's about to change, but I have no idea where to begin. What should I consider when deciding which vibrator to buy?
Starting point is 00:13:01 Is there something that can do clitoris and G spot? I need help. God, I love a sex toy question. Welcome to the wonderful world of sex toys, Kay. Yes, there is something that's the internal spots and the clitoris, and that would be a rabbit style vibe, which is a dual stimulation vibe. You've never had a vibrator before though, so I think that you should get two vibrators, because I always recommend that we start with a clitoral vibe. Start of toys that I always recommend is the Touch.
Starting point is 00:13:27 I love the Jeju Mimi. But let me tell you why I love the Touch. For example, it covers a lot of surface area. The Touch covers your labia and not just your clitoris, but you kind of lay it over your entire vulva and then have the tip of it touching your clitoris. And it just, it's a wonderful vibrator. Touches all the spots, literally the touch.
Starting point is 00:13:50 So for internal though, you get the rave by we vibe, which is an internal vibe, which also I call it the G spot GPS. But if you want to get a dual stim, like a rabbit, then I would recommend their Nova too. Actually I'm remembering this right now, now that we're talking. My first vibrator, when I went to Good Vibrations 25 years ago, I bought a book called How to Find Your G-Spot and I bought the original rabbit vibrator, like the one with the batteries,
Starting point is 00:14:17 the one that was on Sex with the City. And I realized I never used it because I just thought, yeah, might as well go for the G-Spot because I thought it was superior and I thought it was a whole thing. What I know now is that it really helps to have clitoral orgasms first. When you're aroused clitorally like your vulva and everything, it swells and allows you to have an internal orgasm or G-spot orgasm much easier once you're already aroused. That's what I recommend. Also get some lube as long as you're getting some toys. I would recommend a water-based lube like Pure because water-based lube is best for
Starting point is 00:14:49 silicone toys. You can't go wrong with one of these wee vibes. All right, so this is from Korra26. Hi, Dr. Emily. My question is regarding vibrators and sex. I have climaxed without a vibrator before with just sex and clitoral stimulation. However, I was single for many years and used my vibrator a lot throughout my time being single. I have a boyfriend now, but from use of my vibrator, I don't seem to be able to go back to climaxing without one. Is there any way I can reprogram
Starting point is 00:15:18 myself to climax without a vibrator now? I love the vibrator. Don't mind using it. I just feel more connected with someone when I don't use it. So here's the thing, Cora. We have like a muscle memory. So it is likely true right now that that is how your body is remembering to orgasm. You know, they say if you're exercising a lot, like let's say you were lifting weights and you're doing the same routine every day, eventually our muscles will stagnate. You know, they say you got to mix up your routine and, you know, cross train and all that. So that's exactly what's happening with your vibrator. Your body's used to it. You have your thing with your vibe, you know, exactly what you're doing. You hit it and quit it. So much like having to stimulate different muscles group to stay in shape, you have to do this as
Starting point is 00:15:58 well with your masturbation routine. So my recommendation is to start masturbating without a vibrator and start to get used to what it feels like with your hands again. Because your muscles also remember that. They're just more used to the recent vibrator. I know for a fact that if you actually give yourself permission, you take some time and you say, I might not orgasm this time or maybe I won't bring in my vibrator for 10 minutes. Or I'm going to spend 15 minutes exploring again. I'm going to use some lube. I'm going to look in the mirror at how sexy I am. I'm going to feel my body. I'm going to, you know, try something new with my partner or maybe my mind is engaged with him. Like so maybe we're doing some dirty talk or some role playing. So you're really feeling connected
Starting point is 00:16:41 to your partner and you're not so focused on your own orgasm, you might find that it just comes back. So I recommend a little bit of practicing on your own and trying something new with your partner because when we're mind sometimes is in your head and you tell yourself you can't have the orgasm, sometimes that's actually what stops us from having it. They're not broken here
Starting point is 00:17:02 and I know you'll get it back, Cora. This happens. The good news about this is now you get to learn other ways. You get to relearn your body or maybe learn something new with this new partner, which I always think is exciting. Okay, this is from Drew 28 in Boise, Idaho. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'm just wondering if there's any other methods of masturbation for men outside of my hand. My wife would prefer me to not get a flashlight or pocket pussy. All right, Drew, for a lot of men, it does feel good. If you're going to mix up your masturbation and you're not going to use your hand, well, you're going to need something else to
Starting point is 00:17:34 stroke your penis. And so maybe your wife doesn't like the idea of the flashlight, which are often modeled after a vulva. Like they're actually someone's real vagina and vulva. But here's the thing, if you have a penis and you've never tried vibrations or different kinds of lubes, maybe a warming lube or a cooling lube, I'd say it's time to try. There's so many nerve endings on your penis
Starting point is 00:17:58 and we're all so ready to go with doing the same thing over and over again. I love Drew that you wanna try something new. Also recommend switching up your position. You always use your left hand, use your right hand. If you usually do it sitting down, you could try standing up. Again, try some different loops and different sensations to play with. You could also try some anal play on yourself. Get a butt plug or get something by a narrow switch is actually made for the prostate. It's actually healthy to stimulate a prostate if you have one. Edging is also a way to mix up your masturbation
Starting point is 00:18:29 routine, whether you have a penis or a vulva. But it's the process of stimulating yourself until you get close to orgasm and then you bring it back down again. So you escalate until you're about to orgasm and then you bring it back down. And this is the process of not allowing yourself just to orgasm, but to sort of stay in that area of arousal and stimulation. And the more heightened that becomes, the more times you go up and down with the arousal without orgasming, when you do orgasm, it can feel a lot more intense, a lot stronger. We have a downloadable guide about edging and you can go to our website and check it out at Okay, this is from Lydia 23 in Nebraska. Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Lydia. I'm 23. I'm a new masturbator and orgasm experiencer. It's a new term I've coined. My boyfriend
Starting point is 00:19:20 is 24 and I began experimenting with toys two months ago. We just got a bullet, clitoral vibrator, and used it in the bedroom together on a vacation. I've never finished for penetration, but I think I faked it a few times. I've taken to using the toy on my own and I've masturbated for the first time ever. I'm doing it every day, but I've read stories masturbating too often can negatively impact your sex life with your partner. Any advice on balance? I'm his first girlfriend and he doesn't have a lot of confidence in the bedroom. He doesn't particularly enjoy giving oral, so I hesitate to advise him on how to help me finish. Alright, Lydia, here's the thing.
Starting point is 00:19:51 I love that you're exploring that you've got yourself a vibrator and you're playing with it. Masterbating too often, listen, it only becomes a problem when it's a problem. Can you no longer get turned on by your partner? Can you no longer do anything without your vibrator? Are you missing work because all you're doing is staying home and masturbating like that's when it becomes a problem? But I wouldn't worry about the negative impact But what I do like here is that what you said is your boyfriend doesn't have a lot of experience He's in his 20s. You're in your 20s
Starting point is 00:20:17 I think you could give him the greatest gift ever if you say I've been doing a lot of Experimenting lately and I know way want this to come across like I think I know more than you are better than you. I've just been exploring my body. And I want to show you this really cool thing that I've learned. And let me show you this toy. And maybe he could use it on you. But remember, the only reason why, you know, he doesn't have a lot of experience, which I find with a lot of people in their 20s, because you just haven't even if you've had sex
Starting point is 00:20:42 with a lot of people, it doesn't mean you've experienced with a partner that is in a healthy place because you just haven't, even if you've had sex with a lot of people, it doesn't mean you've experienced with a partner that is in a healthy place. You're giving and exchanging ideas and information and listening and helping each other. You just said to me, Lydia, that you don't want to rock the boat with him. But you'd be doing him a huge favor, huge service to tell him about pleasure and let him see you have an orgasm so he knows that it's possible. So I would recommend that. But also mutual masturbation is such a sexy thing to I always recommend to couples where you're both masturbating so you're both doing your thing. It's really hot because watching your partner masturbate is sexy and seeing your partner and those are passion.
Starting point is 00:21:22 It's sexy as hell if you haven't done that, but also it's educational, because you actually get to see how they touch themselves and what turns them on specifically. Does he put his hand on his balls? Does he grab the shaft? What does he do? What kind of pressure? And then you could learn when you're going down
Starting point is 00:21:38 on your partner and then he can learn what you like. So Oro will become more comfortable to him. But the reason why a lot of guys don't like Oral is because they don't really know what they're doing because they haven't been with a partner who either enjoyed receiving it or actually knew how to articulate what they want. So if you could make this like a shared experience,
Starting point is 00:21:57 Lydia with your boyfriend and just be like, hey, I'm excited to be exploring together and learning new things, let's start with learning about my body together. That's what I recommend. This is from Rebecca, 23 in Oregon. Hey, Dr. Amley, my name is Rebecca, and I'm a new listener to your podcast.
Starting point is 00:22:14 After pursuing some articles on your frequently asked questions page, I have a question I wanna know more about. How can I overcome the roadblock of shame in masturbating? I grew up in a conservative Christian and in a single parent household where sex, masturbation, and men were either not talked about or demonized. Masturbation was seen as a sin, lingerie was gross, and sex, as described to you by my mom, is a way for women to be men's toilets. As a result, I've never solo masturbated.
Starting point is 00:22:42 I'm currently married to an amazing, supportive, and sex-positive man with whom I've never solo masturbated. I'm currently married to an amazing, supportive, and sex positive man with whom I've done lots of sex learning and unlearning with. My sex drive has been very low since we got married because of major anxiety and busy schedules. My husbands encouraged me to try masturbating to increase sex drive and has bought me every kind of vibrator under the sun.
Starting point is 00:23:04 I have self-pleasured during sex a few times with my husband but I still cannot get myself to do it solo. I do believe masturbation is healthy and needed but I can't get myself to do it. It's like there's a huge wall that I just cannot overcome no matter what. I desperately wanna increase my sex drive. I think masturbation might be what's needed any advice.
Starting point is 00:23:22 Oh, Rebecca, thank you so much for your question. First off, I'm gonna help you here, but I think this is so relatable. And so when people grew up in homes where sex was demonized and they were told it was wrong, and then they go out and try and have that healthy sex life, and it's really hard to get rid of all the messaging that you heard as a young child,
Starting point is 00:23:39 and it becomes so part of who you are, and it's hard to separate it all. So just be kind to yourself and know that this is going to be a journey here. But what I love is that your husband is also encouraging you to explore. So that probably also helps you realize it's not wrong. So we've got a battle here of your mind and your body. So what I would love for you here is to just start to you seem like you're a really good writer. I would kind of write about some of your earlier messages to sex and see, do they still serve me?
Starting point is 00:24:08 Do I still believe them? Where did that message come from? And it sounds like you know this, but if you could really sort of write it down and realize, does that still serve me? It is that true getting rid of those messages around it and realizing that it really is not what you choose to believe. It sounds like you're there and it sounds like it's been fairly recent that you are learning that you deserve pleasure. So for let's say for 21 years, I don't know when you got married, but let's say
Starting point is 00:24:35 you're 23, so I'm going to assume maybe you were 21. And maybe for 21 years you've been hearing that sex is wrong and gross in your men's toilets. It makes sense that you're not going to be able to switch on a dime to all of a sudden be in your body and be sexual, be masturbating. You have to undo a lot of that stuff, a lot of that messaging, which I'm glad that you realize is no longer serving you. And so I would replace some of that with some more education. That helps a lot. I love that you're listening to the podcast. That's a huge, huge help for so many people. And the more that you fill your brain and fill your mind with sex-positive information, more than your husband telling you it's okay. Got a lot of great blogs on the site, find some other sex
Starting point is 00:25:16 positive books and more content that makes you feel more like yourself. So there's just layers of unlearning. I also recommend that you talk openly to friends that are outside of your, you know, not your family. It sounds like you've talked to your mom and your husband, but I'll bet if you start talking to your girlfriends, they can tell you about maybe some ways that they've masturbated or maybe they've overcome the shame. But the more we start to normalize sex,
Starting point is 00:25:40 which is what my mission is, is to get everybody to talk about sex and to make it less taboo and less shameful. It can start with you getting into the practice of not just masturbating, but the practice of truly being a sex-positive woman who respects your own needs and desires and your own pleasure. And I think the more that you start to make sex information available to you and a part of your life, the old messaging will start to slip away and you'll really be able to step into the Rebecca that you are meant to be as a fully empowered, sexy, incredible
Starting point is 00:26:16 woman. Hands up, I'll be right back with more solo sex talk after a quick break for our sponsors. But before then, real quick, Laylo. So they're one of my top sex toy brands. And Lalo makes these really beautiful, award-winning, super luxury sex toys that feel good on everybody and really everybody. And they have the most perfect toy for anyone
Starting point is 00:26:38 looking to further explore their bodies, the Lalo Dot. Check this out. It's a clitoral pinpoint vibrator that lets you identify exactly where you feel the most pleasure because remember, the vulva has so many pleasure points on it, so many nerve endings, and the Lalo Dot is made specifically
Starting point is 00:26:58 to target all these areas. So you can truly figure out what feels the best to me. Is it the upper left quadrant of your vulva? The bottom right? You can pinpoint. You can literally figure out what feels the best to me. Is it the upper left quadrant of your vulva? The bottom right? You can pinpoint. You can literally find all those areas and stimulate them for more pleasure with the Layla Dot.
Starting point is 00:27:12 Using a toy like this will help you better understand your body during solo play. So not only so you'll have better orgasms, that's great. But then you can give better direction to your partners. You can be like, look what I figured out about my body. It's also great for people with sensitive vulvas. And the tip is so small, you can incorporate it into couples play.
Starting point is 00:27:31 And you know what? It feels great on penis owners too. Let's not discriminate. We all got body parts with nerve endings that feel amazing when stimulated. It's also 100% waterproof, has a lot of vibration patterns, and it moves in this really cool, seductive, elliptical motion.
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Starting point is 00:29:43 SWE at checkout for 15% off your first order. ["SWE at checkout for 15% off your first order"] Hi, female caller. You can be anonymous. What would your name be if you had your alter ego? I would say, acolytus. Acolytus? I like it. I like it.
Starting point is 00:30:03 It's a goddess. You are acolytus to me. Tell me everything. What's going on. You are, you are acolytes to me. Tell me everything. What's going on? I am acolytes. I'm calling because I, 55, and I just had these young neighbors, young couple just moving next door to me probably about a year ago. And I find myself masturbating in the bathroom, in the shower when I know that they're home.
Starting point is 00:30:24 Is that weird? Well, what do you mean? So you masturbate in the shower and they're home and they can hear you like, hear you masturbating or you're... So here's the thing. So I, you know, I spend a lot of time in the bathroom just naturally. I like to bathe, I like to shower, I do candles, the whole thing, right? But since they moved next door, I find myself spending a lot more time there with music
Starting point is 00:30:45 and candles. And I'm not super, super loud, but I noticed I always kind of check to see if their car is there and then, you know. Well, yeah, I don't think they need to do that. I can't believe they're saying it out loud. I think that's really like so, no, I love that you're calling it because we all have rich fantasy lives. If we don't, we got to love that you're calling it because we all have rich fantasy lives.
Starting point is 00:31:05 If we don't, we gotta get some because this is it. So are you thinking about them or maybe you're thinking about them hearing you or are you thinking about, like, are you in the bathtub? I'm in the bathtub most, the most times. And then I used to bring my tool in the bathroom with me and then I'll start. But I notice as I start to masturbate, I'll
Starting point is 00:31:25 fantasize about the two of them hearing me. And I don't get super, super loud, but you know, once the orgasm starts, you know, I don't really care about the sound. So I hope I'm not being loud. I don't think I'm being loud at least. Well, yep. Probably inspiring that. Maybe you're a little bit of foreplay for that. Maybe they hear your orgasm and that turns them on. I'm kind of hoping, yeah. Let's see if they complain, but I think that that's really healthy.
Starting point is 00:31:52 I think that you are keeping sex top of mind. You know what you need. It's self care, taking a bath, setting the atmosphere, maybe playing music, lighting a candle, and giving yourself pleasure and bringing in having a rich fantasy life around your neighbors and are they hearing or not? It's all good. I feel like, like a lady, it's time to go find the other toy now. So what can we back up for a minute? What is the tool that you bring into the bat?
Starting point is 00:32:18 Because you said I bring my tool, which I love. It's a writer vibrator. It's called the Melt M-E-L-T. Oh, dude. Yes. I love, it's a writer vibrator. It's called the Melt M-E-L-T. Oh dude, yes. I love that thing. It's so good. We're talking about the Wevi Melt. I tried it. I thought I've had all the kinds of orgasms.
Starting point is 00:32:36 I tried it, and then I had one orgasm, and then I had another one, and it was like this. I don't know what happened. You're like something from the inside came out. It was some nerve endings. It was incredible. And I was so excited that it came in the next day and my staff was here and a new intern,
Starting point is 00:32:54 they were interviewing and I couldn't help it. I was like, I had this orgasm with this melt. Anyway, it was funny. So yeah, I love the mouth. I feel you. Unfortunately, I tried it on my first time. I tried it on a Saturday morning in my shower downstairs and everybody was eating on my family, my husband and my kids were eating breakfast. And I literally was on the floor after, you know,
Starting point is 00:33:17 my stomach was crunching. I was like, Oh my God, they're going to have to call 911. And one of my kids knocked on the door, they were like, mommy, are you okay? And I was like, yeah, I'm okay. I had to get out of the shower and I had to like, I did the fetal position. And then I started doing some stretches because my stomach was just like, my abs were knotting up.
Starting point is 00:33:40 And I thought, this is it. This is gonna be it. The fire department is gonna have to come and I'm gonna be here in the fetal fucking position with this melt vibrating next to me. It was awful. I wanted to cry. It was awful.
Starting point is 00:33:52 It was awful. I wanted to cry. It was awful. I was like, Mommy, are you okay? I'm like, yeah, I'm fine. I'll be okay. That's it? It does that. Like you gotta put guardrails up or something. Like you gotta wear knee pads or some kind of padding,
Starting point is 00:34:06 like a helmet or something. You need to wear, right? Cause you can, you can go out. Yeah. I use mine in my steam shower. I gotta throw up the steam sometimes. You gotta be like, something could happen here. Okay. Well now, do you know which one you have in your garage
Starting point is 00:34:19 that you haven't used for these months? I haven't had it out in so long. I think that's your assignment this weekend. I think that's your assignment this weekend. Do you know which one you have in your garage? That you haven't even used once for a G-spot? I haven't had it out in so long. I think that's your assignment this weekend. I didn't have a G-spot because I was like, maybe I don't have one. Oh, you do?
Starting point is 00:34:37 You have an internal clitoral nerve. I mean, wait, what about your husband? Does he ever come into the bathroom with you? No, that's your time. Does he ever help to find your G-spot? That's your time. Does he help to find your juice bag? That's the other thing. That's one of the reasons why I'm so quiet, because I think he knows that I masturbate in the bathroom,
Starting point is 00:34:50 but I think I have a little bit of guilt, because while he knows that I masturbate, I don't think he knows that I'm fantasizing about the neighbor. Keep having a dozen. Yeah, absolutely. And he doesn't need to know everything. It's okay to have fantasies that we... Listen, there's two kind of fantasies, the ones we want to keep to ourselves and the ones we want to share with our partners. That's it. No judgment. Listen, the time when we feel the most sexually satisfied and the most pleasure is when we are free and we're not worried about what anyone else thinks about our orgasm and what turns us on and what gives us pleasure. That's why women aren't having orgasms as well, because we just, we worry. But your G-spot orgasm is totally, your internal orgasm is totally possible, but I think you just got to get that, go dig out that toy.
Starting point is 00:35:37 If you incorporate some internal play into your session, then maybe you'll, you'll start to feel more orgasms and maybe that'll be something you want to bring into your relationship. Like maybe you'll be like, look at all these nerve endings. Let's go crazy. Ackolides. Thank you so, so, so much. You're amazing. Thank you for calling. Stay in touch.
Starting point is 00:35:53 Okay. I got you. Let's talk to Wendy in Oregon. Hi, Wendy. Hi, Emily. Appreciate your show. I like listening to it, but I do have a question. Of course. You were talking about a device called,
Starting point is 00:36:05 a vibrator called the Melt, and I wanted to know how it compared to the womanizer. Which I already have. Oh, okay. From my recommendation. Great, do you like the womanizer? Fuck yeah. Yes, sorry.
Starting point is 00:36:20 No Wendy, is that exactly how we all feel about the womanizer? Okay, so here's the deal. Womanizer bought WeVib and they became one company. So womanizer's one and then the WeVib. So WeVib took the technology from womanizer that pleasure air technology uses indirectly stimulates your clitoris. It feels like the closest thing to oral sex,
Starting point is 00:36:41 it gets around your clitoris and sort of has like this sort of a sucking feeling. And it's just like nothing that's ever been created before when it came out six years ago. Then we've made a toy called the Melt and they took that technology and it just uses, it's all silicone material. So it's like the reason why it's a little different than the womanizer. It's the same technology, but it's sort of is more uniquely shaped into the toy. So it doesn't come with like a separate, you know, the womanizer comes with like two separate heads
Starting point is 00:37:09 and it's kind of an external sucking. It's an external thing. This one doesn't have that. But I think they're all, I think if you like your womanizer, you're good, but the belt is it, well, the belt is different sensation because it's also angled. And it's a little bit, which womanizer do you have? I say try it to be honest. I'm like I don't know what your how much you got about your budget is but it's pretty awesome. It's a little bit smaller. I could keep the womanizer at my boyfriend's house and then keep the melt at my house I guess. Yes, Wendy, that's it. That's it. And then one day you call your boyfriend and say,
Starting point is 00:37:45 guess what? I'm bringing a third tonight. And then you show up with the, with the, with the, with the melt. You're like, I got to show you my, yeah. No, that's, that's, that's what you should do. I think you, I think that, listen, why do I need six pairs of black boots? Right? Do I really need them that this inch, this heels of two inches and this is, no, like, do you need the melt? How, this heels of two inches and this is, no, like, do you need the melt? How did, yeah. I mean, you know, you don't need it. You have the womanizer, but I say it's all, that's why when I came in, Wendy, I've been trying to buy writers for 15
Starting point is 00:38:13 years and then I tried and I was like, this is a different kind of orgasm. So when I talk about exploring nerve endings, try new things, you know, you never know what it could open up for you. Wonderful. Yeah. Wendy, thanks, Wendy. Let me know, let me know what it could open up for you. Wonderful. Yeah. Yeah, Wendy. Thanks, Wendy. Let me know, let me know what you think I'd love. Now you got to tell me your experience with it. Okay. I will, I will.
Starting point is 00:38:32 Okay. Thank you so much. Of course, Wendy. Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. Rapid fire questions. Loud of you are sliding into my DMs and emails and I wanted to answer as many as I can in a limited amount of time.
Starting point is 00:38:44 So here we go. How do you talk to your husband of 17 years about our mismatched libidos? This is the old timing tone in turf. You can go to our website and also check out our guide, but listen, you gotta have these conversations, honest, open, just be curious and tell them that you wanna talk about how much sex feels right to him
Starting point is 00:39:03 and how much sex feels right to you and then you compromise and you schedule it. Alright this is from Abby. What is a fun sex position that isn't common? Well you know there's a few positions. I'd say there's about four or five that we all know about but remember there are alternatives to those positions. You could try a sitting position. Your partner sits on the bed and then you sit on their lap. You could try an alternate positions to doggie style. Remember, you don't have to be on all fours. You can lay down, you can use pillows as props.
Starting point is 00:39:32 When you prop pillows up and you raise up your pelvic floor, that can really kind of enhance the penetration and it can really enhance the depth of penetration and it can feel that much better. You can also try the cap position coital alignment technique. You can check it out on our website and that can also help a vulva owner have more orgasms.
Starting point is 00:39:53 All right, where do I start experimenting with BDSM? How do I bring it up with my wife and how should we start to explore? Well, if you've ever had a conversation about your sex life, this is a great place to start. Start talking about fantasies. What are three things she's been wanting to try? What are three things you want to try?
Starting point is 00:40:08 You can also start to explain to her what you think is hot about BDSM. Do you want to spank her? Tire up? Do you want to talk dirty to her? Let her know what you're into and why and then see how she feels about it. Show her some scenarios and porn
Starting point is 00:40:21 or somewhere that she can understand more about it and what might be pleasurable to her. This is from Instagram, I wanna spice up a masturbation routine. I wanna try doing it outside thoughts. Yeah, you know, spicing it up. I mean, sometimes if you can just do it with your left hand instead of your right hand,
Starting point is 00:40:38 I just read about a guy being arrested doing it in a Walmart parking lot. So I don't really recommend just doing it like outside in your car, but try a vibrator. Try different techniques. If you always masturbate in your back, do it on your stomach. If you're always laying down, try sitting
Starting point is 00:40:54 and there's warming gels and cooling gels and you could just try different sensations. Remember our body parts, there's so many nerve endings and so much sensitivity that if you're playing with hot and cold sensations and different vibrators, it's gonna mix it up, I promise. All right, this is from a female on Instagram, newly dating, he's smaller than me, I'm insecure, it's just common.
Starting point is 00:41:14 You know, I think that everything's common, you guys all wanna know, am I normal? But if you're attracted to him and he's attracted to you, then just remember that our insecurities are coming from our own deep rooted place of insecurities. And so I think just working on being connected and present in the moment and go with that because I'm sure this is probably your limiting belief and not your partners. How can I get my husband to be more confident in the bedroom? Okay, you know, we often think that to get our partners to be more confident about affirmation
Starting point is 00:41:44 and giving them, you know, lots of compliments. But the truth is, I'm gonna guess that he's probably insecure in other areas as well. Usually our insecurities have to do a deeply rooted issues in our psyche that we haven't quite tackled yet. So I would, you know, confidence ultimately is an inside job. So I would try to have conversations with him and find out what it is that is driving his insecurities
Starting point is 00:42:07 if you wanna help him talk it through. But I feel like a lot of it is us kind of working and clearing out those demons that are holding us back. Okay, wife loves Conalengus in doggy style position, can she climax from a rim job while I'm there? I don't know, why don't you try it out and see what happens consensually? Why not? Let me know if it works. We're all different. That's the beauty of this.
Starting point is 00:42:32 Let me know. Some women can. All right, that's all we have time for. Thanks everyone for some of your questions. Love you all. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at and while you're there, check out my free guides and
Starting point is 00:43:01 articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559talksex. That's 559-825-5739. Or go to slash AskEmily. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at

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