Sex With Emily - Self-Fulfilling Sex Prophecies

Episode Date: November 19, 2016

Sometimes the source of our greatest sexual fears actually comes (or doesn’t) from our harshest critics… Ourselves. On today’s show, Emily coaches a few listeners out of their heads and into their beds, one email at a time! She and Anderson also discuss the secret to living past 100— it might be sexier than you think!   Whether you’ve got issues getting (& keeping) it up, need a little help going down, or can’t get your partner to initiate sex, you’ll find the answers you’re looking for in this podcast! Don’t miss it… Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show we're answering your sex and relationship questions, including best four-play tips for newlyweds. How to get your partner to initiate sex? What to do when your penis just can't handle the pressure and how to navigate casual sex when dating? All this and more, here with Anderson, thanks for listening. There's just something about the fall that makes me feel like cuddling up with an old friend. And hey, you guys might have some fun memories too.

Yes, I'm talking about the Intensity by Pormaw. The Intensity is an amazing product that has made a serious impact on my life. Let me rewind a bit to explain. The Intensity was originally developed as a medical device to cure, yes, cure incontinence issues. You know, like you sneeze and you pee. Because these issues typically stem from a weakened pelvic floor, the intensity works by applying gentle electrostimulation directly to that muscle group, giving you an amazingly

effective kegge workout. And you all know how I feel about kegge exercises. And for a little plot twist, the makers learned that the product's only real side effect wasn't intense orgasm, so realizing the intensity was a winning combination of utility and pleasure, they enhanced it with a powerful vibration and a clitoral stimulator. The result much more than a sex toy. It's a product that's changed my sex life. I mean, G-Spot orgasms, anyone?

The intensity combines two things I love and talk about all the time, cag-electricizes and orgasms anyone? The intensity combines two things I love and talk about all the time. Cagulaxercises and orgasms. To find out how it can change your sex life, click on the intensity banner on my website or go to pormwad.com. That's p-o-u-r-m-o-i-d.com. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a bygone day. Hey, Abelene, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything you've been doing for more information.

Go to sexbelmy.com where we make it so easy now just to get into it, subscribe to the show. We put it all there. Your fingertips. You can subscribe to the newsletter, the podcast, our social media, subscribe to the show. We put it all there, your fingertips. You can subscribe to the newsletter, the podcast, our social media, which is so fun. I love the snappy chats and the Instagrammies. And most importantly, subscribe to the podcast. Like I said, you can easily review the show,

which also helps us. You could shop at my store. I've got a great little sex with Emily Shop. It has like my favorite picks, like all the stuff I talk about. And also supporting our great sponsors, which we appreciate when you do that, because it helps keep the show free, we do two shows a week, love that,

and everything you can find at all at sexwithemily.com. Be a part of the pool. Be a part of what's going down here, because we love helping you. Back in the olden days, back in the olden days, you just have to like know what time a show is on TV or the radio, tune in, sit by it, watch it. Nowadays you can be a part of these things.

They're on demand. You can actually add content to it if you like it. It's great. And the other thing I did mention is we're doing Facebook Live. I should talk about this. FBL. We're trying to do it every, what is it, Tuesday, Madison?

Every Tuesday, like 11.30, if you haven't liked our sex with Emily Page, you should. You can also, I don't know, just like it, because it's fine, sex with Emily. But what I'm saying is we have one over a million like some Facebook, but the point is, first of all, I actually got off and how excited was I, I walked around, I got off and afterwards,

because I was so turned on. But it's really cool because we're gonna do it, 11.30 Pacific Standard Time roughly every like Tuesday. And except for today in the morning, 11 a.m., 11.30 a.m. Pacific because it's really cool. So what people do is we had like 9,000 people watching at the time. But then afterwards you can go check out the video.

It's a half hour long. And people were asking questions in real time, like chatting and asking questions. And then we answered them and I loved it. And it was like seeing the office, I brought in the team, I tied Madison up, it was fun. She tied her up. You gotta do this, but do a late night edition

and see just how different those questions become. I'm afraid. Do a 11, 30 people. That's a good point. I could do it anytime I want. I could just be sitting home and be like, I just wanna do it. I feel like doing an FBL.

Is it an FBL? Is that a thing? They's be called FBL, but they should. They feel like they should. They should call it a fly. But I was like, I don't know, but I realized what I loved about it, it was so raw, organic, as Eddie said earlier. And the connection.

And the connection, I feel like you guys were really there and it was helpful and then the video lives on. And it was more information. I'm telling you the server crashes. Right. So check that out. And also, the loop survey goes on, I am creating a dream loop with your help, because I love loop, and I thought, why not make a loop together? So if you go to

secrotetheendley.com, slash dream loop, take a very short survey, takes five minutes. I've been reading all your amazing responses. I actually am reading them. I'm blown away by them. And they're really helpful. And Joe will send lucky participants price packages worth a hundred bucks, like to 10 ten people which is though nice of them So it's good to see you Anderson good to see you. M. Thanks for having me here Hey, and last week you gave me a nice bumper for my my new son and I put it in the crib It looks splendid really looks so good. It goes everything does it well. I knew that it was pretty That's why as if you registered you probably didn't tell anyone well. There was some stuff gone No, I know some listeners have hit us up with some stuff.

Yeah, we've been quite fortunate. And so I'm listening. We didn't publicize it, but people found it. I had to beg you, I asked. I don't know things, she does it all. I know, well, I'm glad, because then I could get you something that I knew you needed.

I bought diapers and a six-pack of beer though the night. That was a weird purchase. Why is it? Yeah, the guy the register was giving me a funny look. I'm like, can I to take the edge off man. You know what I'm saying? He never buys diapers.

50 diapers and six beers. Good to go. Yeah, parents of America. He felt really good about that. That was classy beer. It's responsible. Of course it was classy beer. So I'm excited because I'm actually going on a vacation.

Oh, you are. At which I never do. Rarely. I mean, I've been traveling a lot this Saturday. Going to Mexico with some friends. It's too close to Thanksgiving, crazy lady. I know. Well, here's my issue is that I now I'm regretting my vacation choice because I've

gone with really good friends from San Francisco. Where you go? We always go. Saiguelita. Is that Mexico? Yeah. Ooh. What?

Once again Thanksgiving. The Mexicans don't like the Thanksgiving because a lot of Indians came from Mexico, region, and they date remember small smallpox You think I'm gonna get in trouble. Oh, yeah, I think bad things are gonna start yelling pilgrim pilgrim and they'll chase you through the streets I hope so and I hope I find a making film it is a big content. Is it a beach community? Yeah, it's like it's a little beach town and it's um you find a part of our town It's outside of there and it's like all my friends from San Francisco go every year And I often cannot I've gone twice in 15 years and I don't often go because I'm busy. Well you enjoy that.

Thank you. I will. You need a vacation. You're very conservative one and I look forward to seeing you come back all brown and refreshed. Yes, exactly. I'll be healthy and happy. So there's that and you get to have any strange dick down there. I don't know. It's been a long time since I've had any dick This is actually interesting for me. Yeah, it's been like a an interesting Process of a safe presence of elimination But I'm not limiting no you always think I have a theory that what's cuz you're you're very thin I have a theory of vegetarians don't like to to blow guys That's really bad there. That's so natural. I'm Madison or maybe they like it even more because it's like

excuse to actually have some meat in their mouth. No, I've never heard that. Theory. It's probably wrong. Okay. Yeah. Okay. No, but let me ask you this. Are you vegan? Okay. Because Briolls and porn star Briolls and I think a lot of your listeners probably no Briolls. She was quite put off and upset with me when I asked her the question If she felt she was still vegan even though I seen videos of her swallowing semen from meat eating men so I think that technically she's no longer vegan and she was upset because I think she knows that I have a point

I had a pretty good point there Technically no longer vegan right because she's got some protein se in there. No, she didn't actually eat the animal. Yeah, it's about for a lot of vegans, it's more of a like compassion sort of thing. Right. So it's not like she slaughtered a man and then drank his semen. Right.

Yeah, exactly. That we know who ate me a carnivore. So I think she's rewarding a savage. Right. But okay, here's the problem. If you're a vegetarian or even a vegan, then like, you know, hard is first of all to avoid me in everything that you do. And to be like, I'm not having a leather purse or a leather bag. I know it's tough. I slowly, but surely

I'm cutting it out. Like I don't need. I have any pig. I haven't even pig in like probably six, seven years now. Okay. And I have not eaten lamb in like nine years. I haven't eaten veal on like 20. How about meat? Just like hamburger. I have not eaten lamb in like nine years. I haven't eaten veal on like 20 years. How about meat, just like hamburger? I have like grass fed beef every now and again, and mostly fish. Support fish, man. I'm slaughtering fish. I'm surprised, because you're so sensitive,

I would think that you would be a vegetarian. If I spend any more time with cows, they're next on my list, I won't be able to eat them. Because they're very cute. I know, they are very cute. Especially the babies. I mean, I think like in moderation, grass fed, all that is fine.

But that's supposed to be even worse for the environment. The grass fed. Everything's bad in the environment. You can't win. You can't win. You can't win everything in moderation. You're fine. People don't stress on it. Like I think you just want to be healthy. You want to exercise, drink lots of water. Try not to be a good person, love thy neighbor, and if you want to have a steak have a steak. Have a steak every now and then. That's how I feel. Okay, we got a little bit of sex in the news here. Still it.

Okay. About vegans? No, but that would be amazing if it was. Having rampant sex is the key to living beyond the age of 100 new research found. Scientists studied a village in Italy were more than 10% of the population lived to 100 years old.

Oh my God, I have to send this to my friend. Because she really wants to move to Italy. This is so interesting. And she's obsessed with being 100 years old. Oh my god, I have to send this to my friend. Because she really wants me to Italy. This is so interesting. And she's obsessed with being a hundred years old. Like that's her life dream. And she wants me to Italy. It's a hundred year dream. Listen, exactly.

What's more, a few of the villagers suffer from age-related health conditions like heart disease and dementia. So the researchers from Rome's Sapiensa University and the San Diego School of Medicine spent six months studying the people. That's pretty good six months I like this pretty good usually like we do study for five seconds and a pull up on Twitter. I already got other questions 81 of the 700 residents had celebrated passing the century mark. Wait, wait

Sorry, say that again 81 of the 700 residents. Yes, residents, 81 are over 100 years old. I question the validity of their birth certificates. Small little town in Italy, they probably need to keep track. Sexual activity among the elderly appears to be rampant. Maybe living long has something to do with that. It's probably the good air and the jua de viv. On top of all the sex researchers also reckon that they're healthy, mediterranean diet. That's something to do with a long life expectancy.

And they added they eat rosemary almost every day and they grow it. Maybe this is something in that does help. Rosemary improves brain function. They're also physically active. Whether it's fishing, walking, or gardening. Or banging. Everyone does something every day.

And this is the first time scientists have discovered that sex is great for your health. You can like, younger, ward off disease. It can also stop you craving junk food. Whatever. I don't know if this totally shows it, but they're saying that, yeah, 81 people out of 700 is a lot. And, uh, a study from Duke University claims that we should all be having around 200 orgasms annually to reap the benefits. Duke, really? I feel like Duke shouldn't be weighing in on any sex. Why?

Because of the scandal for a few years ago, even though most of those guys were off. What, what, the rates, the... I feel like Duke should just pipe down. That was a big one. Oh my God, still very good school. It's really nice to hear in the study though, and because I'm a product of the 90s

and I grew up knowing just it was a fact that sex would kill you. We were all going to die of AIDS and sex is the worst thing you could do. So really hard to get any back then. And it's nice to hear that the trend is moving the other way. It is true. Right. And exactly. And it is true. There's a week every day when I look at sex in the news. I'm like, oh, another story about how sex is good for your health. But this one's actually interesting. The only girl that I slept with

back then were suicidal. That's all I can have. That's by you. Your picker was way broke. No, it's because that's the only one's willing to have, you know, give that the old AIDS role of the dice. Stop. I forgot where it's at AIDS, but yeah. But you still have to worry. Oh, you still have to, you know, do not go in a way. Okay, so that's what I got for sex in the news. And so if you've to have 200 orgasms a year, I wonder if it's like 200 separate sessions or five, like,

let's say, between three and five orgasms every time I masturbate, could I, it's just mean that I could sort of like cram it all in. Right. Because some of you like a multi orgasmic lady could knock it out in a week. But I wonder if that counts or if it's per session. I would think per session. I'd like to email these people. I'd do. I would bet like one climax per day. You

know, is what you get credit for. You have to climax 200 days. If you do like five in one day, that's only one. That's only one. I'm always looking for like loophole. Loophole, I know. Look at you. Only Emily would try and find a way that she could see OCD. How can I?

I'm not OCD. You were a little OCD. How can I cram in more orgasms? Mm-hmm. When did you get in there? I'm sorry. I like to take a full week off in December of an orgasm. I like to save them up beforehand in the spring.

I think a little OCD would make my life better. Like a squirrel with your orgasms over there. I did organize my vibrator collection before I took my last check. How do you organize that? From size or like harder to lighter? Well, thank you. It's taking me 15 years to figure out the best way to do that. And what I realize is the thing that

annoys me with a lot of the sex. I keep me telling my friends who make sex toys who own these companies are Why don't you label your chargers which friggin toy you go to now a lot of them have Chargers that are obviously go to the certain ones. I have like I feel like they should all be a little sexual organs Right, they should be like they should look like a little weeners that plug into like vaginas. Every sex. That would be a story. That would assume that everyone's having heterosexual sex, which they're not.

That's true, you can have the butt ones too. Pain is pain is right. But the point is they, I actually put them by like literal vibrators. I do like like dildos, couple vibes, and then all my lobes, I have a got a thing of silicone loop, I have a thing of, and then I have my chargers labeled now,

label-maker separately into a bag. It was funny, because I talked to my therapist once, that I had a while ago, because I was looking for an assistant, which I still am, don't ever want to email me though, because you have to live here, and you have to want to be my assistant, help me do things like, you know,

find my keys and wallet like 10 times a day. It's really fun. It's taxing. I'm seeing the person. But I'm gonna get that right. But he was like, you know what you need, Emily? You need an O-sim one who's like OCD, like for real OCD, like obsessively organized. And clearly that's not me. But if I was, that wouldn't be who I am today.

And we have to celebrate everything. It's not really a challenge. You have to learn how to just mitigate it and work with it. Mitigate Sean. Mitigate Sean! Let's get into the emails. We'll do it.

Okay, but first, let's give a little shout out to our sponsors and just thank you everyone for supporting them. I never talk about any product or Product toy anything that I've not tried and that I don't believe it and I don't love and also supporting them helps keep the show free So thank you all we're back I know there's more to life than looks. It's what's on the inside that matters. I've heard it I get it,

but I'm not gonna lie. A good hair day can make everything better. It really does. But here's the thing. I loathe going to a salon for hours to do my hair collar. It's just a waste of time. And I tried to do it myself with a home kit, and the results, they weren't pretty. Not only was my hair completely the wrong color, but my bathroom was covered in stinky hair dye that is still there. It stained. Like every time I look at it, I think, oh, that was the bad hair dye problem. But that was all BMR. Before Madison Read, see Madison Read makes luxurious at-home hair color with ingredients you can actually feel good about. Their salon quality product is the first 6 free permanent hair color.

Free of ammonia, parabens, resorcinol, pbd, phallates and gluten. But enough about what Madison Read isn't. Let's talk about what it is. Professional quality color available in over 40 shades. If you're anything like me, you have no idea what color your hair actually needs to match. Do you know how many shades of brown there are out there? Like a million. Seriously. But Madison Reed has this super simple online quiz that will help you find the perfect match to your skin tone and hair texture. Their kits are nutrient rich with keratin, argon

oil, and ginseng rude. The thick cream color is totally drip-3 and smells great. Madison Reed delivers 100% gray coverage and the support of Madison Reed expert colorists who will guide you every step of the way. You can color with total confidence, satisfaction, guaranteed. Oh, and for limited time, save 10% and get free shipping on your first color kit.

Just visit www.Madison-reed.com today and use promo code Emily. Okay, we're on to your emails now. We love answering your emails Just visit Madison-read.com today and use promo code Emily Okay, we're on to your emails now We love answering your emails and we also love taking your calls So here's the thing if you have a question you want me to answer on the show I Frickin love that and here's how you do it. You go to sex with Emily calm There is the ask Emily tab pull that down ask a question But now there's another box you can press that you can click type.

To say, I am up for a call. I'm up for call. Call them. And then we'll schedule a call with you where you can call in. And I would love to talk to you and help you with whatever's going on. So we just want to ask more questions. You can also leave a voicemail. And that's it, 818-ask-s-w-one or 818-275-7931.

And always include your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen. Love hearing from you. Love you, mean it. OK, hey, Emily. You should trademark that. Love you, mean it. I don't think I made it up.

You're the only one that I hear say it. You've never heard that. Love you, mean it? No. Have you guys heard that before? Yeah. For when maybe I'm just out of the loop. Don't trademark it. I'm going to trademark it right now, because now other people are going to try. OK, hi, Emily. Have you guys heard that before? Yeah. For when we mention that in the loop. You are.

Don't trade market. I'm going to trade market right now. It's okay. Because now other people are going to try. Right. Okay. Hi, Emily. I love the show. You might grow up in a four years.

I've recently got married. And up until our wedding night have never had sex. In the years since getting married, sex has not been great. It is always painful for her to the point we can't continue, to the point where we can't continue, which has led her to having no desire for sex or any kind of intimacy. For play is also an issue as both of us have never had sexual partners before, so I have no idea what I'm doing down there, and she's been brought up with the idea of masturbation

being wrong, so she does not want to explore herself. I love her, and I want to please her and make her feel amazing, so my question is, do you have any tips that can help me get her to love being touched and eventually enjoy sex Any help is appreciated. Thanks Aaron age 25 Imagine never had sex till the wedding night. Mm-hmm. That's why it's kind of Dicey right? Yeah, you're you're you don't know what you're You got a test drive Some people can't do sex is such a large part of every relationship

I mean Emily preaches that every week and for a reason it's true And if you don't know what you're getting and he happens like this like this is this could ruin a relationship It could ruin a relationship, but the good news is that they're in the same boat So they're starting with the blank slate Aaron's never had sex either right, but he knows what he likes and she doesn't like it. It sounds like. No, no, no, here's the thing. They both never hear, listen to this.

First, this is what we got, Aaron, I'm going to break this down for you. I get, I don't know if it was like religious reasons or personal reasons why you guys waited, but this happens sometimes, right? Not everybody wants to test drive before they drive off the lot. Right. I got it. So my first question for you is like, she said she's having pain during sex. It's possible because she's not enjoying sex or she's not into it, but she's not getting lubricated enough, which she just got to add some blue beer. And that can cause pain and

create tears in her vagina, which is not fun. If she's not also, I would say add the lube anyway. Don't even wait till she's turned on. That's why I use lube every time because it just adds just that right kind of slipperyness in the last little bit longer than your natural lubricant. So water base is a great way to start because it actually mimics your feeling of your natural lubrication.

Just add a little drop that could help and also like during foreplay, like when you guys get to that part, kind of like just a few drops in our clitoris feels amazing. And also you can, I love the Jo Loub, the water based Loub, which is on our website. So I would say like foreplay, okay, here's the thing.

I understand how confusing and can be starting out. He's never been with anybody, and she's never been with anybody. So you're like, he's like, I don't know what to do down there. Yeah, well, Chen stories watch somebody probably, right? I you're like, I don't know what to do down there. Yeah, well, Chen started to watch somebody, probably, right? I don't know. Online. I don't know.

Like he might even start with less. Like he might even, you know, not seriously, like maybe he's never seen porn. Wow. So let's just assume that. Like totally blank. Let's assume like, go blank slate, which a lot of guys, I mean, you probably maybe watch porn

or had a, right? But not like now. So first, you need a crash course, like just crash it, I'm female and out of me. They figured out like either way, like, you know, I could tell you all the things do and in fact, we have a great blog, bunch of blogs in our site,

but there's one now called Six Cunnelingas Tips to Make Her Mone on our website. That's a great way to start. And I understand that like, ah, God, I mean, I really just want you to slow down in this process. I'm sure that you guys both have super high anxiety around it because it's been a year. And I'm glad that you wrote now because Aaron for a year,

you guys have been trying to figure this out. And she's gone into this pain cycle where she's like associating with pain in this decade, turned on. You're like, she really could. She really could. She could have vaginismus. Did you just want to say vaginismus?

I want that to thing. And she might need to get diagnosed. Well, I hope that she feels comfortable going to a doctor. That's a good point. She should definitely get checked out by her gynecologist. I don't know if she has one, because again, I know a lot of people who are... I had a friend and he was having sex with his girl and she was always in pain and turned out to be a cyst, but that went on for like two years before he died. That's true. She should definitely, especially if she's sexually active now, go see a gynecologist, get checked out, for sure.

And so should you get checked, everyone should be checked out all the time. But I also understand that masturbation, another great way to learn about each other, what you want is masturbation. But I understand that masturbation might also be seen as like sinful and you said that she's not comfortable touching herself

And even some young women who don't even an n-man, but mostly women I hear from who are like I just think it's gross Or I don't want to touch myself. I get that like I get that you see it as maybe sinful or wrong So many people were told this so luckily there is a loophole here for masturbation. It's neutral masturbation Lupol Lupol Lupol Lupol There is aal. Lupal. Lupal. There is a loophole and a loophole.

Mutual masturbation. I was realizing this. I always say it's a great form of foreplay. And it's a great educational tool, if you will, because when you're both masturbating. You see how they like it. Right. You're like, oh, you're a master.

Oh, you put your penis up and down. And then you put your thumb and you rub it over the tip. But I get that she does probably, doesn't even know where it starts. So let me break down mutual masturbation for everybody here because I know a lot of times I sort of like toss it out there and you're probably like, sounds great.

What do I do? So what you do is first you gotta set the atmosphere. Amnestyre is everything. I'm sorry when it comes to sex and masturbation, I will never talk about this enough that like, turn your cell phones off dim the lights Light a candle light a candle, you know spray some air freshener. I don't know whatever you need to do to set it because think about it all your senses The best sex I think is when you all of your senses are truly like engage what's happening right scent smell taste

Touch talk whatever all five of them. I mentioned them all, you know what they are, sight. So intuition, no, that's not one. So sit, I want you guys to create the atmosphere and then you sit facing what each other, right? Like literally like masturbate together at the same time watching each other. And this will help you guys learn how you want to be touched, but how you do it is again, you set the moves and you face each other and then you just start touching each other.

Now this might be very very scary for her. Maybe she's never done it before. How's it gonna get her to buy into this? I think he's just gotta have her listen to the show together. And you sit there. And she might be afraid on her own to do it. Like, trust me, I've got this. And then she could just start slow,

like really like with some, start with some loob. You could even start touching her. You could start touching her, she's touching you. You're not saying there. She's touching you. You're not saying there's like one method you have to follow for mutual masturbation, but typically how it goes down is that you're both going to start touching, touching each other and figuring out and it can be really hot too. Turn you both on to see how it looks to actually watch you guys

get turned. And then who knows might lead to sex, might lead to you finishing her off. She finishes you off. But I think that would be a great way if she doesn't want to do so on her own. You could also, you know, get some toys. That's fun too. Nothing wrong with toys. I don't think any religion speaks, I mean, maybe sex overall, but toys are not a bad thing. Yeah, I don't know. I would imagine the rich, some religion out there that is anti-leto, I would imagine. I'm sure. But here's the thing, you both are not experienced.

In fact, you're not, I get it. Like, you haven't seen a lot of it, you haven't talked about it. So education, you know, armed with the experience is what's going to help you feel more confident. So whether you listen to these podcasts, buy some books together, like learn together.

Like, it sounds like you're both the same place, which is great. And this should be like a fun learning thing with you guys. Like, wow, we've never had sex before and sex is important. Sex is the glutes, not just for pro creating. And so in a way, it's great that you're both blank slate. So I would just, if you could somehow take the stress out of it and make this like, wow, we're going to learn each other's bodies together and make it fun.

Because it's been a bumpy road for a year now, right? Yeah. We got to undo some of that. And then I don't know if they like, they have sense of humor in their relationship, maybe they do, but to break the ice, you can grab your penis by the base and say, here's how I like it. And then just start punching it, like one of those blow up clowns.

And one of those blow up clowns, and you punch it. And then, yeah, the bow would, yeah, like one of those. And then you'd be like, why don't really that's how you like it? And you make a, nah, I'm kidding. And then you both have a laugh, and then you can be with the laugh.

Make it funny, sexist fun. Just don't punch it too hard. It's funny, right? But sex can be, it can be make it up, kiddin'. And then you both have a laugh and then you can be with it. You don't make it funny, sex is fun. You just don't punch it too hard. It's funny, it's right. But sex can be funny, it can be funny. That's true. It's sort of. And there's also some great stuff on our website too. I know articles about masturbation for women.

Like how to like really figure it out. I think you really need to do it alone. Confident and like I got this, what she does now, because he's hearing this great advice from a sex expert. And you can say trust me on this, honey we're gonna try this and it's going to be great and just be really confident and positive with it and do the light thing and the candle thing and all that set the atmosphere and just take a slow.

So by time slower than you think. And part of me is kind of jealous of the situation that you're in because it is such a blank slate and there's no preconceived notions and you can kind of let instincts take over here and there because you don't have any idea of what you feel like you should be doing, and you can kind of just go with it. But it's a matter of letting go. Exactly, let it go. And not thinking that there has to be any outcome,

because there doesn't. It's about the journey, and it's really about sensations. Like I'm assuming that maybe your wife has probably never, like actually pay attention to what it feels like to have her breast touch, or to like touch her stomach on her own or have any touch. I'm feeling guilt. I'm definitely sensing a lot of guilt from her.

For sure. And you know what? Maybe him too, but that male sex drive, I think, is a little, I argue that it's a little stronger than the boys. Yeah. Sometimes it is, especially you guys have the hormones and everything, and maybe she had to shut it down. And here's the thing around sex.

It's not just this couple here. It's like a lot of women and men are raised with a lot of shame around their bodies and masturbation and feeling good. and we never let that go. Like we hang on it toward light. We still feel bad about doing certain things and certain acts. And the sooner that you can, you know, let go of these things and know that like it's because sex is completely healthy. And when you hear those thoughts your head go back to like the sensations in your body at the moments, you can like really like learn like what makes you feel good and not be blocked by negative thoughts. So I was just, you know, hold us back.

You didn't even realize you pie so shame. Oh, everyone on the ship. I would start with doing what Emily said with, you know, setting the atmosphere and saying trust me and being very, very confident in that. And if that doesn't work and or I think you should also probably go to a doctor and say, you know, we are a married couple. There's pain with sex, which is a common thing. There's no shame in that and make sure that she's all okay down there. There could be, I'm not trying to scare you, but there could be plenty of different things that

are easily treated that could be going on down there. But you're going to have, it seems like she is very skittish with all of this and that might be really hard. Yeah, I agree. Good advice. Okay, let us know how it goes here, but don't be too hard on yourself. Okay, take the pressure off. That's just everyone. Just don't be so hard on yourselves. We're all so hard. And I know this because I'm very hard on myself, everything.

So let's all just chill out. Hi, Emily. My name is Ashley. I'm 24 years old from Los Angeles and recently started listening to your podcast on Spotify and I'm loving it. I was a thing to the up close and glitter at show. When you and Mendez said that you have never known any of the guys,

I've never known any guys who didn't like their women being control in the bedroom. I had to laugh a little and write to you because that's the situation I find myself in. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years. I've never loved and connected with someone like I do with him. We're best friends and see eye to eye and almost everything except when it comes to sex. We don't have as much sex as I'd like, and when we do, I always initiate. He's expressed to me that I never let him initiate, but when it's been almost a week and no sex, I have to spark something up. I should mention he's nine years older than me, so he likes to say that

since I'm younger, I have a higher sex drive. But I can't have a feeling like he doesn't desire me sexually. I've tried to talk to him about it, but it always seems to end in an argument. Any advice would be helpful. Thanks Ashley. Ashley, I hear this all the time just so you know that I might have been making a joke with men and said, who wouldn't love a woman to be dominated in the bedroom? But I get that some guy would be controlling the bedroom. I get it. Like, there is no absolute when it comes to sex. There's a level of aggression that can be both intimidating and a bit of a turn off. Right. When a woman is dominant. Yeah. Our woman is aggressive.

A girl. Right. You know, I, maybe I've seen as aggressive. Maybe it's, I'm being chove and a stick in that view. But when I, when a woman is like saying, this is how I, here's how it's going to be. And I got to have it like that. There's some, I've been in a situation where I'm like, oh God. Right. That's true. But she just wants initiation.

She's feeling like he's not designing her sexually because he's not making the move. And so what I have to say actually, first of all, this is very common. Typically in this relationship, one partner makes the move more than the other one. And then whoever makes it all the time tends to feel resent, resentful when their partner doesn't step it up. And then you're filling in that role and it kind of becomes a thing. Like maybe he'd be different in a different relationship, but you guys have set up the two rules now.

Exactly. So what I'm going to say is he does want to believe me. He desires you sexually. I'm sure every time you have sex, he's into it. But what we, but here's the problem here. Here's where we're sticking. Is it you're going to say I want you to initiate more and he's like, sounds good he doesn't and I'm gonna argue here that he probably doesn't know how. And maybe he's overthinking it or he doesn't get what that would mean to you and it just might be this awkward new

thing like a new behavior. And so what you do Ashley is in a playful fun way show him how you would like him to initiate. Like what would be then he would get it. He'd be like, oh, you mean when we're sitting on the couch watching Netflix and you want me just to lean over and start, maybe just next time you initiate, say, you know what babe? I know that we've talked about this initiation thing back and forth, but I realize I never told you how, how I'd kind of like it.

And then actually think about what your dream scenario is. Like, how do you, do you want it when you walk in the door? Do you want them to just start going down on you? Do you want kisses? Like do you want four play for 20 minutes? What do you want? Like break it down for him and show him. And then he'd be like, oh, this is the time. Sometimes you just need to be told because I think a lot of times I hear I hear from couples like we've had this conversation. I told him six times that I wanted oral and like he might just not know what to do or she might not know. And I think sometimes we have to break it down.

Right. What do you think? And also he's a little bit older. So maybe speaking from a guy who's been 34 at one point with a girl who's younger, his sex drive might not just be as high. 33. 34. 34.

The easy years nine years older. She's 34. Could be a little bit. It's whatever. But also I don't believe that. And I said this on another call before, or another email a long time ago that once most guys are turned on, like they're in, they're on. You've got to find his on button and whatever that might be.

You should figure it out. You guys are sitting on the couch watching Netflix. If you go over and start doing something to him, you initiate, he's not going to, I can't imagine he pushing you off or saying not tonight, Helen. But no, he never pushes her off. It's just that he doesn't ever start it. Right. But if she wants it, if she wants more than he does, then she can ask for more. But she has been and she's tied. She wants, she's feeling like he doesn't desire her because he doesn't initiate it. And I think he just, either he doesn't think about it, which, it

doesn't mean he's in a track to you. Just means it's type of, he might be stressed, he might have a lot of anxiety right now. It's like he's already had a career, then he's trying to get off the ground. The reason why men don't want sex or initiate sex often have sexual dysfunction a lot of times has to have a lot of stress. Right, we're very like whatever's in front of us

right there in that moment. So that's why you might have to kind of always be put in yourself in front of him, at least for right now. Yeah, and also, yeah, exactly. It make it easy for him, just be like, when we're sitting here for more than 10 minutes, I start touching my arm. Yeah, and also, yeah, exactly. It make it easy for them. Just be like, when we're sitting here for more than 10 minutes, I start touching my arm.

Yeah, I don't know if she's going to be able to get them to just, what, initiate it? Yeah, start on this. What's so hard about it? I guess I get for, I, because honestly, especially if you're busy or you've got a lot going on, there's really never a good time to have sex until it's happening.

And like you always say, you never regret having sex with your partner afterwards. It's never like, oh, I wish I didn't just have sex. It's always great. But there's never like, I know from personal experience a lot of time like, I have so much stuff that I gotta do. I'm gonna do this. It's like there's no time for sex. But then if it starts to happen, it's gonna happen. But it's nothing to do with her. Nothing to do with her. He still desires you. Maybe it could be some kind of mismatched things. I think he's stressed. I think he's stressed about something and he's not initially. So go easy on him. Don't beat him up for this. But again, I was like, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm, I'm, I'm and I feel like I wasn't getting enough connection from him Like even I didn't want to see him all the time

But like we'd have sex and then like time would go by like a few days or whatever and I'm like oh, look weak Like I don't I just want to be turned on when I see you and so just text me like you're hot like every day Right like you're hot thinking about you. He would like You just got to look I don't give a fuck how we did it But the truth is he was in touch and that made me feel better So you've to figure out what exactly you need Ashley from him and then just tell him He was a joke. I don't give a fuck how he did it, but the truth is he wasn't touched and that made me feel better. So you have to figure out what exactly you need Ashley from him and then just tell him, I think we all want to just be told what to do.

Make it easy. Yeah. And I was saying guys, our dumb, and he should be sensing that you're having this issue. And he should at least once every now and again go out of his way to get you flowers and you know, set the mood. Like we said with the last email and like, you know, really take care of your needs to make you to get you off of that paranoia that it's you right but guys it's not his fault we're just dumb we're really dumb yeah I

don't say that you're dumb I'm just saying distracted or other things we don't pay attention as much as we should and I see that time and time again and I'm guilty of it and I know a lot of guys are guilty of it yeah okay dear Emily okay where do I start so I've been seeing someone for a few months now. This is my high school sweetheart who I never had sex with when we dated back then. We recently got back in contact and we're so in love with each other now. My problem is when we start to have sex, I'm rock hard, but after just a few minutes, I go soft while having sex.

I find her incredibly gorgeous and she really turns beyond, so I can't understand this. I was married for seven years, dated someone else for three years after that. I've never had this problem, even with hookups between relationships. I get really worried even the first time we had sex. I have wondering if I'd be good enough for her, even though that's never been a problem in the past. Am I just thinking too much? Is it all in my head?

I appreciate any help you can provide. I love the show. I've been listening for six years. This is my first time writing you, Jonathan. I love that he's been listening for six years. Thank you, Jonathan. So this must really be an issue if you're like, this is the time I'm gonna phone in my sex. It was really hard the first three years. He was really hard the first three years of those things. And soft. Okay. Yes, Jonathan, this is all in your head.

I'm soft. Okay. Yes. Jonathan, this is all on your head. Honestly, this happens a lot with guys. I really think unless you've significantly changed something in your diet, medication, I think that this is a woman that you've had a crush on for 15 years or something, and you're friendly with her. And the first time you had this little pre-exiting that led to reality.

It keeps happening though, right? Yeah, so I think what, but it just takes one time to drop down a negative cycle. I bet you everything that John is thinking about this every single time. In his head, round and around. It's happening.

It's gonna happen if it gets off the end. Hold on. Exactly. So you gotta really just get yourself, so nothing wrong with you. Again, unless there's any medication, we're gonna assume nothing's changed except for that your mind planted this trigger in your head that when I'm with this girl,

something bad's going to come or I'm not going to be able to come and you started this loop. Which is fine because just as easily as you started it, you can stop it. What was the loop? What? Closer loop. It's fine. So, I love that you get hard when you're with her because you're totally turned on and you're focused on pleasing her. So, that makes you like a great lover.

Like in her eyes, she's like, wow, he's into this, he's turned on, he's getting me off, that's all great. But you gotta just make sure that when you're with her, you don't freak out, you're just gonna know that, I'm gonna get soft, that's fine. This happens to guys all the time. So again, this first time it's happened to you, welcome to like reality. So when you get soft, you just say okay, don't make first time it's happened to you. Welcome to like reality.

So when you get soft, you just say, okay, don't make a big deal of it and you go back to pleasing yourself. Maybe you pull your penis out, you start going down in her, you start kissing her, a massage, and then you're gonna realize when you're focused on her pleasure, and giving her, you're gonna look down and there goes your rock car penis back up again.

And so I promise this is gonna happen and you just got to keep the positive self loop, like keep it positive. So when you like going into it, like I've got this, I'm in this, like I think about how you feel about her, because it really makes things worse if you're going to like pre have all this anxiety leaping right. Yeah, then it becomes like a, what do you call it? Predestined, what is that? Premeditated. Preed. I.

No, a self-affilling prophecy. Self-affilling prophecy. Thank you. Thank you. I can't be bothered. I'm working. So there's nothing to be concerned about. She keeps having sex with you.

I'm sure you're awesome. This is your only thing and we're going to get you out of your head. Masterbait to her too. Masterbait to her? Yeah, think about her. Fantasy. Don't look at porn or anything crazy. Like close your eyes and actually when you're by yourself and do it to her.

To her. And I mean, she's live and in person. And I've said this before, but if you're using a condom, masterbait with a condom too, give yourself some practice with that. Because there's a good chance that like maybe the condom has something to do with the issue here.

Yeah, that's true too. The condom is a boner killer. It can't be a boner killer. That's true too. Yeah, try skin condoms. They're my favorite. Every single person I've ever given skin to, they're like, oh my god, I love it. It's my favorite. Poly day supreme non-latex, they feel really yummy. SKY any. SKY in. Exactly. Okay. Self-fulfilling problem. Let's talk. This one's going to go away right away. I know it Jonathan.

I'm so not worried about you. And I'm glad you're back with your love of my school. OK, one more. Hey, Emily. First off, I love your show. You've given me a ton of great advice. I wanted to ask you about casual dating. Ever since my ex and I broke up a few years ago,

I've talked to a few guys. There's only been two guys I actually really saw something happening with. In both situations, we talked for a few months. They both told me they weren't looking for anything serious. I told them, we could just hook up and not talk anymore. And eventually I cut it off because I was getting feelings and they weren't.

They both kept trying to talk to me after, apologize about how they never meant to hurt me. They really liked me, but couldn't have anything serious going into their senior year. In college, she's 22. However, they both ended up getting into serious relationships after. I'm wondering, what is it about me that doesn't seem to be grow for material to guys I like? It's really starting to hurt myself as team. I don't know what to do. Thanks, Michelle, 22 Chicago. Self as team, Sherry said it. Yeah, yeah, but she's got, I read this a few times like I'm going through this going, what? Like she's got like this relationship patterns that

like they don't like she's kind of catastrophizing her entire dating world, which self-fulfill in prophecy again. Yeah. Did I hear you right that she says to these guys like almost right off the back like hey we can bang and not have any feelings that that's what you want because that's what you're into I can do that. Right. Guys are not turned have any feelings. That's what you want. That's what you're into. I can do that. Guys are not turned on by that. Guys, you weakness. They're going to use you for sex, for sure.

They're going to feel bad about being dex once they're done, like once they have their orgasm, but you can't be going in with a low self-esteem. You have real self-esteem issues just from hearing that little email. Yeah. I think there is some self-esteem stuff going on here that your first of all already catastrophizing it and saying, you know what, this is my pattern and guys don't think I'm girlfriend material, which none of these things are true. The only thing that's true is that you're way overthinking all this with these guys. And I get it. You're protecting yourself because you had this breakup two years ago.

And you're like, I want to know going into this. Are we going to be casual? Are we not? And you're like saying ahead of time. Anderson's right. Turns guys off. It is. Can't you just, you can go out with guys and you don't need to talk about this so much. You can just listen on the first date, second date, what do they want? What do you want? And figure out are you both on the same page? A lot of guys might say I'm not looking for anything serious just off the bat. And then you said, well, fine, let's just be friends. Let's just hook up. Like that's just so confusing, you guys. I think a lot of people at your age, especially now,

are saying, I'm not looking for anything serious. And then, oh, look at that. I actually like Simone and you find it. Here's the thing with the guys at this age, they're incredibly skittish and they're incredibly horny. And so that means they will bang you, but then they will also run because they're scared because you're one.

I remember a girl saying to me, after we had been together for sleeping together for a few weeks, are you seeing anyone else? And that was such a turn-off to me. Just like, oh god, she's trying to trap me into a relationship. Oh god, just her asking me that in bed. Are you seeing anybody else? It was like too much.

I agree. You know? It's really hard, but I also get that we all want to protect ourselves from being hurt. So keep your eyes open. Trust your instincts. Yeah, exactly. And you know what? You should assume that they probably are

dating other people right now. And everybody's casually dating until they're not. And so the fact that you're trying to control these situations, I need to understand what their intentions are. People don't know what your age. People don't know what my age. People are trying to figure out what they want all the time.

And I actually think that if you're just a little kinder to yourself and think, you know what? I'm going to casually date for well. And I'm not going to try to lock anyone down right away because here's the best up thing I think that with the way we look at dating now or a lot of people is that I'm gonna go on a date with someone for, and sleep with them for,

like you said, these girls would do it after two weeks or a month or two months. And I barely know you, but since we're dating, I'm nervous you're gonna leave me and you're gonna see someone else. So I'm gonna lock this down. So we become committed, we can't see anyone else. We I'm going to lock this down. So we become committed. We can't see anyone else.

We only know each other two months, but let's commit and then we're going to spend the next two years figuring out if we like each other. Right. Which the other side is you can date a bunch of people. I'm not saying you just sleep with them all, but you can start going out. It's okay to fool around or maybe you do sleep with them and use protection. And then you realize, who do I really like here? How much do I know this person?

Take more time. This will help you get to know yourself and know what you want. So I think that you just got to open it up and start like not trying to have all these roles at a time. I know that you're going to get hurt. It sounds like you're trying to like be a scientist and avoid the inevitable. You're going to get hurt. It sounds like you've had many relationships like in high school, like this is kind of new to you. Everyone gets hurt. This part of the process, you're going to have your heart broken, you're gonna be very sad, you're gonna lose weight or some guy eventually or girl.

Just know that that's part of the whole thing. That's the road to happiness, finding the right person, you're going to, there's gonna be a lot of hiccups. Right, exactly. And getting hurt is part of the process. And just because these guys did not settle down with you, doesn't mean that you're not a girl from material. So stop bashing yourself.

Date for yourself. Like go out and have nice dinners, enjoy company, learn new things about people, have some sex, right? For yourself, think about for yourself and not for them. Right. Exactly. And when I just say one more thing, even though this wasn't true, you said that you weren't girlfriend material for them.

They didn't even know you. You said to them, I want a relationship they didn't. They barely knew you. now you're making these assuming we always look for the ways to convince ourselves that these negative thoughts were having about ourselves is true. There's a movie I think about. We want to corroborate our worst fears around ourselves

so we can beat ourselves up more. Bachelor. She like every guy that she dated, they break up and then the next girl that she dated, they get married. Good luck Chuck. Good luck Chuck. Good luck Chuck.

Guys, Dean Cook. Oh, Dean Cook, okay. That's kind of like how she's living. She's like watching another and like committable relationships, but not with me. What's the deal with that? It's like you'll get there. Yeah, you will. Oh my God.

These guys weren't right for you anyways. Exactly. And you learned from all of them. And every guy, do you state they would, here's the thing. I had the same thing where I would date guys and afterwards, they would marry the, actually, I think that's the point where they got married to the person after me.

And I actually would, typically they were ones and I ended, it doesn't matter either way. I think when you date someone, I don't know. You always end them. You always end them. I did, always end them. But the point is, like, you just kind of look at it,

relationships like you were, who you were with them. It wasn't the right place, the right time and you did the best for the person you could and you move on. Tell about learning from these things. And know that pain is part of the deal. It is. I have a very close relative of mine. It is an emotional coward. Best of case, okay. And decided his heart was broken once and he's decided never again and he's going to die alone now. It's very sad. It's very very sad. How old? But he's 38. He's really never going to die alone down its very sad. It's very very sad. But he's 38.

He's really never going to be with anyone else. Never. He's going to live by himself and just, you get out. Yeah. It's really sad. And it is. No therapy, nothing. No.

Okay, that's right. We've got to keep going and getting back out there. And remember, that saying, which might seem cliche, is so true, that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger, is so true because all the hardest things that ever happened in my life have made me who I am today and I'm proud of them. But in the moment you're not like this is so great. It hurts. That's how we grow. Yeah. Right. Okay. That's what we got time for today. Thanks for having me. Thanks for being here Anderson. Thanks for having me.

Congratulations on everything. Thank you dad, your movie, all that killer stuff. Yeah. I've been told I've been told not to move on any of the perks until everything is finalized. So if any of you got any of the perks, check my Facebook and I'll also be sending out updates and whatnot. And your movie, right? Good, yeah. Thank you everyone for supporting it. Thank you.

That's what I'm talking about. I don't know if they heard that. I don't want people to feel like I'm neglecting my duty to give you what you bought. It's going to be happening here soon. I'm excited. Congratulations. Okay, thanks everyone. Thank you, Madison.

Thank you, Eddie and Lori and Jamie and Ken. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. I just returned from an amazing trip to Europe where I had the honor of helping to launch the latest innovation for my good friends at Wevibe, the all new SYNC. And let me tell you, it was the Buzz of the Show. Get it?

The Buzz of the Show? Okay, anyway. The SYNC is the latest evolution of the Wevibe, the world's best couples toy. For those that aren't familiar, let me back up. Okay, the original Wevibe is a C-shape toy that women actually wear during intercourse, so both partners can enjoy the vibrations. It provides literal and G-spot simulation at the same time and connects to a smartphone app, no hands necessary. The new sync keeps the familiar C shape

and also shares the dual motors and multiple functions of the earlier models, but add some great new features that will blow your mind. First up, those dual motors, even more powerful. The new remote now provides full control over the vibration intensity and pattern. And get this, the free We Connect smartphone app has been updated

to allow real time pattern changes and more. Meaning, you just drag your fingers to control the vibrator as you're using it. It's so easy. But the biggest innovation is the synx ability to adjust and lock into position, meaning one size truly fits all. I mean, it will hit all your hotspots. If you haven't tried a Wevi before, you need to try the new sync. Trust me, you will love it, and you can thank me later. To order yours today, simply click on the Sync banner on my website or visit Wevibe. That's www.vibe.com and use code Emily at checkout. My friends at Joe recently asked me which of their products was my favorite. Obviously,

that's really hard to say. They have so many options. I mean, am I supposed to pick the organic? I mean, I like that, the silicone, the flavored. So they're watching me struggle to pick just one. And then they interrupted and said, okay, Emily, if you could make your ideal loop, what would it be? Well, what a question. But then it got intense. They said they would actually make it. That's right, they would make a loop that I want. This is literally a dream come true for me. So I said yes, but on one condition, they had to consider your input as well. So here's the deal.

I need you to help me create my dream loop. To be a part of my dream team, go to sexwithemily.com slash dream loop and take our short survey. With your input, Joel create the next great loop in their amazing lineup. To sweeten the deal, Joe is giving away prize packages

to 10 lucky participants. I know you're thinking, but Emily, that's gonna take a while and I need Louv now. No problem, hot pants. Go to my store on sexwithemily.com and shop the entire Joe collection but Emily, that's going to take a while and I need Lube now! It's all on sexwithmwe.com right now.