Sex With Emily - Self-Love Starts & Penis Parts

Episode Date: January 9, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is giving you ways to get out of your head and into your sexual groove. She reveals why being a perfectionist may be stopping you from having the sex you want and how to get over insecurities about your penis size – whether it’s big, small, or somewhere in between. Plus, what to do if you’re craving more affection from your partner and tips to start your masturbation routine off right. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: PlusOne, Magic Wand, SiriusXM, Good Vibrations Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show I'm giving you ways to get out of your head and into your sexual groove. Topics include why being a perfectionist may be stopping you from having the sex you want. How to get over insecurities about your penis size, whether it's big, small, or somewhere in between. What to do if you're craving more affection from your partner and tips to start your masturbation routine off right all this and more. Thanks for listening Look into his eyes They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that block our sacred institutions

Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Evelyn You got a boyfriend because my man E here. He just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common with all of it? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information. Check out sexathemlee.com.

Find out more about the show, all the podcasts, all the blogs, all the things you can also easily comment and subscribe on iTunes. We love you. You know, leave us a message on iTunes. You review the show. That's awesome. Or wherever you listen. And also, if you have not heard, I've got a show in serious XM radio stars channel 109 I am their weekdays.

You guys 10 hours a week it's awesome 5 to 7 pm pacific 8 to 10 east and it's been amazing to reach so many more people and if you guys don't have serious you can get a free trial. Cool is that sex the Emily dot com slash S. As always, follow us on all social media at sex with Emily across the board. Welcome to the show everyone. I'm here with Jamie. Lou. Happy New Year. Happy New Year. It is going to be a great year, you guys. Just wait. So what's happening? And here we go. This is our first show in our 14th year of doing this podcast. So thanks everyone for joining us.

I want to start off by reading this email. It totally made my day and everyone here. And it's from a listener in Australia. And this is just, you know, this is why we listen. This is why we talk about sex. And we want to share with you. Jamie, want to read it? Yes.

OK, this comes from Andrew, who's 49 in Australia. So not a question, but a share with you. Jamie, you want to read it? Yes. Okay. This comes from Andrew, who's 49 in Australia. So not a question, but a huge thank you. My wife and I have been married nearly 20 years and have four kids. Our marriage was shaky with both of us heading separate ways. Initially, we had a great sex life, but probably for the last five years, non-existent. I know this sounds like many stories, but we slash I was very close to ending our life together until you, Emily. I started to listen and the first thing I changed was my communication. We did, like once we did, we spoke all night.

I loved it then and for some reason we lost it. I reopened dialogue, complemented her and spoke lovingly and honest and it was hard. We had arguments. We were both jealous of each other's life. We were leading separately. It was so close to a separation that I was willing to walk away from my family. But after the communication came for ya, Awaken, it was something that excited us and together me and anticipation and my wife as it re-awaken her sex drive.

After that came Toys and tonight we tried the Wevibe Sync and the result was wet and hot. It's been nearly 12 months and I've fallen in love with my wife again and we have a sex life reminiscent of 20 years ago. On your advice we shared talking together, we vibe toys, foray awakened for her, foray basics together, a narrows for me an selection of rabbits and tangos for my beautiful wife to rediscover her sexually beautiful body and magnificent mind. We now make plans to engage in sex, date night, and we both embarked upon a fitness regimen to help us keep us energized to fulfill each other's needs. I'll keep listening and sharing your tips and endorsements with my favorite person in the world, my wife.

Oh, thanks, Andrew. That, okay, James. That's like, I feel like I paid him or something. Like, this is not a paid listener, you know what I mean? Like, I could not ask for a better email in the sense of like he is first of our perfect and model student, he's listened to a lot of shows. But it's just you guys, this shows you that if you've been

with someone for a long time, it doesn't matter. You can change the sexual outcome. You are not stuck where you're at. And Andrew, thank you for sharing this. I'm like, all, I get a little choked up. I'm like, I can't believe you did all these things and it worked. And it's amazing. And for your wake in is awesome. And the fact that you guys were able to just kind of stick with it and what there's so many things I love about this. I love that he said that they, he tried it once and it was great. And then it stopped. I keep one

conversation. Like I said, you guys, this is an ongoing conversation that you have with your partner. You try different things. you see what works, you know, trying toys and you can, you know, sex is not just a one and done and you like put it on the back burner as you guys know. It's something you continue to work on and you are not stock. So 2019, take your sex life to the next level, whatever that means to you. Might just be having one conversation.

It might be buying that one toy. It could be spilling your fantasy that you've been like holding on to, that you're afraid your partner's gonna judge you. They're with you, they love you. You guys will figure it out. Yeah, I mean, if you're partner left you over one fantasy you brought up one time, like kind of just shows you it's not the right person to be with. Exactly, because I think we're so, I think this is the thing I'm gonna assert this year

or that I'm gonna tell you all. Even more so is that in study after study, email after email, everything that we talk about on the show, all the things that you are so afraid of, the things that you're like, oh, but I could never say blank or kind of all the things. Like, I don't know if I should tell a partner, I should masturbate or that I'm not having

the kind of orgasms or I want. I don't like the way they kiss. At the end of the day, you hold on to all these issues rather big or small, because you're afraid ultimately your partner's gonna leave you. I think we all go to this, oh, they'll be so upset. And then we just sit on all these little conversations that could have huge impact on your life.

And after all the years doing this and all the emails and all the people we've met and all the studies we read, people are better off having these conversations and their sex life typically do improve when they have real honest open communication. Like it has proven time and time again. So if you have that one thing, you're like, oh yeah, it's time. This is the year to do it. Have those conversations so you can really have the sex, the relationship, the life that

you dreamed of. Because when we're having bad sex, the same, even with our self, even if our personal sex life, I was thinking about this Jane last night for our into bed. You know, people always say, how often should we be having sex? We're having sex once a month, once a week, what's appropriate.

And I thought, you never want to get people, I think we all get to decide what feels good to us, but I can tell you that like once a month, you know, probably not enough of your interrelationship. Like if you guys, I think it's important to connect more often, um, definitely a few times once a week, I think is pretty standard what we hear, but I thought about self love on the other hand. We talked about having been great love lovers at our relationships. But when we're always talking to women about masturbating and men, but we, I feel like again, women, we have

to remind more that the same goes for women. And I think about women all the time that I talk to, that I meet all different ages who are like, I don't masturbate. I don't masturbate, I don't masturbate. I don't do it. Maybe once a month, maybe a few times a year, but they're like, or I don't need to because I'm in a relationship, that is, that is a huge reason perhaps why there's so many women that email so having low desire or low libido or they're not in the mood. That is the part that we have to be good lovers

to ourselves. We have to be, and that means masturbation. And I was thinking, because I was going to bed and I was like, God, I've had these toys. And I hadn't, and for me, a while, probably like 10 days or two weeks. And then before that, I kind of cut down,

probably like two weeks. Christmas holidays, I had a lot of family stuff going on. I just wasn't, and I was like, wow, and we had those, the new, the one toys. The plus ones. Plus ones, and I had those, but I'm like, I'm doing it. It's just like I am making commitment to all of you that I'm going to at least, here's my thing,

two times a week, because I know when I'm on that record, I will do it more. And when I do it twice a week, I'm doing it like four times a week. And I thought, I don't know if I've explained this in detail to people We say like the more you do it the more you're gonna want it But I'm telling you is someone who it's my job and I slack off and it is just it's an important reminder to people that Yes, we all have to be great lovers to our partners

But loving ourselves is the most important job in the world and self-love includes a lot of orgasms and masturbation It does do you think that you prefer or to masturbate at the beginning of your day or the end of your day or does it fluctuate? It fluctuates. See, when I'm in my masturbation zone, it doesn't matter. It's like I can't help it not to. It's just like exercise. When I stop exercising, I don't think about it. But when I'm doing it, I fit it in. I'm like, I'll go an hour after work. I'll wake up early. I'll just go for five minutes.

Masterbation can be like that too. So, yeah, but for me, it's like, whenever. Like, for right now, I'm gonna be doing it probably at night, but no, in my life, it's been all over the place. But I think that we all have to make time and see what works, but I'm telling you, if you commit a twice a week,

you're not even gonna think about it anymore and your sex has gonna prove in your self-love is going to prove. Alright, Jamie, let's do some sex in the news. In it, in it to win it. Alright, you guys, how being a perfectionist might make you less assertive in bed. And this makes so much sense to me. So there was a started that came out where they looked at sexual perfectionism

and assertiveness among women. And the women, they were asked questions like my partner expects me to be a perfect sexual partner. In the start of they said that these women do they communicate their desires before sex, do they ask for what they want and bad, and these women said no, no they do not. They assume that being a perfectionist,

which makes sense for how women are raised to think about sex, meant doing whatever their partner wanted and not speaking up, no speaking up in bed. Because they thought that the expectations of being perfectionist meant they went along with whatever or with other partner wants. But as a result, they're not having satisfying sex because they're not asking for it.

So being a perfectionist means that we are giving up our all of our power to what other partner wants, but as a result, they're not having satisfying sex because they're not asking for it. So being a perfectionist means that we are giving up our all of our power to what someone else wants and not speaking up for what we want. I don't know if it's not fun. It's not fun at all. So I think that what happens is, and this is the complaint that we all believe, men and women, that if we communicate our needs,

our partners going to reject us, leave us, won't give it to us, and that it's just much more beneficial to be a pleaser. And to go along with whatever our partner wants, because that is just not true. It's a false belief that actually the women having less satisfying sex. Because somehow getting more of what you want, your partner gets less of what they want. Yeah. Which is just a weird, thought process. Well, that's the weird, cannot write.

We think that we ask for what we want. It takes away from them. The best part about this is to learn is that great sex actually means that you're both getting your needs met. Like there is enough pleasure in a sexual equation for everybody to have a good time. So there's this perceived like maybe selfishness

that if I'm taking that like your partner won't enjoy it, I see this was sex that we don't look at it as like a dance. Like if you dance with someone are you like, oh I got more out of that dance than they did, like you twirled more than they know it's a it's a connection that you're both like amazing sexual experience is like a beautiful dance where you're not thinking at the end, check, check, who got what, how many orgasms. You're in it together, I guess, as the point that it's not a give and take in the way that, you know, we think of like a black and white way of giving and taking. So you're going to have great sex.

It's more about, you know, you both get in your needs, but the best sex is when everyone leaves happy. Of course, it's great to please your partner and have your partner have a great time, but it's going to leave so much more to be desired from yourself as far as like what do I need. Because for me, I'm like a phyma perfectionist. I'm thinking of a perfection perfection in my eyes, but most perfectionists in it's true because I used to be this way is perfection in other people's eyes. Right, exactly.

That's what we're so worried about, what how the world is going to judge us, that we think that we have to be the perfect everything, the perfect employee, boss, daughter, son, parent, and that ultimately ends up, first of all, we feel empty at the end of the day, because there's no such thing as perfectionism, and we're never looking at what we want on the inside because all

of this is an inside job. Having great sex, learning what fulfills us. And so, and actually, like having real intimacy with your partner, having like that true intimacy and amazing sex comes from actually communication, which would mean they're asking for what they want and you're asking for what you want and you guys are figuring out together. And then you have that safe, beautiful connection that leads to the most mind-blowing sex that you all want.

Yeah, the alternative, it just sounds stressful. Really stressful. Give up perfectionism all around and just do you. I'm telling you, 2019 is all about being you. It's all being more authentic more real and I just think that we're all this is such a a male female Dynamic I think that we hear about a lot but that what we talk about all the time is just so important for women to To speak up and bad and take the time to figure out what they need and what they love and what they what feels good in their body Because no one else is going to do that for you

I always believe that someday my prince will come and so will love and what they, what feels good in their body. Because no one else is going to do that for you. I always believe that someday my prince will come and so will I and I promise you that it's not a reality. There is no prince on a white horse. It's going to ride up and give you amazing sex. It's up to us. Let's talk about penises now. Everyone's favorite topic. Well, I feel like we just have women get what they want this year and I feel like I got to talk to the guys because most men are so stressed out about their penises. Way more than women are. I'm telling you, heading into our 14th year

that we have gotten so many more emails. In fact, I can't even think of emails that were contrary to this about penis-sized problems. All we had to do with the penis being way too big, like it was painful for men and for women, like it hurt, they couldn't have sex, and it led to all these problems, and for men being fearful about their penis size.

But not women saying, I'm gonna break up with this guy, he's being this too small, like I don't believe those emails come in. It's like men are concerned all the times. And the problem is that men, this is what I love about this article, a study with Debbie Herbendek, who is amazing doctor from Indiana University, Bloomington, Kinsey Center. All the guys who are concerned about their penis size, actually have totally normal penises.

There's nothing wrong with your penis, you have an average size penis. I'll break it down for you. 5.6 inches of erect length. So the ranges are on 4 something inches to 6.25 inches. That is an average penis. And all these like campaigns, they're saying like the average penis is seven inches long. Guys are watching porn and assuming their penises

are like somehow faulty. And so we get all these really disturbing messages from society that men only reinforce in their heads of their penises that they's something on their penis. And they're all fine. There was like an email that came in, someone was worried about his penis size and he said he was like nine inches. And I'm like, I don't even know if I could take nine inches. I know, exactly. That doesn't even sound in right.

Most women can't. He really, he was really concerned because all he's watching are porn, perhaps. And those people are hired because of his- They're hired because it's like literally the only reason they're there is because they're penis. He was really concerned because all he's watching are porn, perhaps. And those people are hired because of this. They're hired because it's literally the only reason they're there is because their penis is above average. And that's the only sex that a lot of people have ever seen is in porn. So that's why we now there's many, even more concerned they used to be. So here's, we're going to break this down for you. How does size impact sex?

Not like you think at all Most people don't want in a course of the partner who's very long I can tell that so your penis is super long that could be a problem that could be painful and very very very very small That could be a problem too But for the studies that have looked at physical characteristics like dental size compared to emotional characteristics like here's my partner They're so great. They're emotionally., here's my partner, they're so great, they're emotionally, they're wonderful, but their penis not so great. Turns out that a real true emotional connection

Trump's size. Trump's size. So size is only one factor, very tiny factor, and it's not the primary factor at all why someone chooses to be with a partner. So, this is all true. You're like this is all this stuff in your head. You are concerned about nothing. I wish that I could tell men that all the hours, minutes that you're spending obsessing about your penis, if you could

somehow get something in your brain that implants and says, Oh, I'm thinking about penis again. Well, and I flip that and think about what I want bed or how I can be a better lover or how I could really connect during sex to make it satisfying for everybody you'd be so much further along. Yeah, or where the clitoris is. Just please, please look for the clitoris. Like think about like a study female anatomy. Listen to 10 more podcasts next time you criticize yourself.

But that's a good punishment. That's not even a punishment. I'll make you listen to 10 more shows that will help you. So stop focusing on it. If you're on the smaller side or the bigger side, there are adjustments. There are things you can do. You can use different angles.

If you're on the smaller side, you want to find the positions where you can do go much deeper, right? Like deeper positions. You know, maybe you're on top. You're doing something on the side of the bed. You're using pillows. If you're on the larger side, great to have your partner on top controlling the side of the bed. You're using pillows if your penis on the if you're on the larger side

Great type of your partner on top controlling the depth of penetration You know there's a lot of different ways to go around it use lube always lube you guys If you're still feeling challenged about your penis think about why like what is it because here's the truth Was it somebody in the locker room? They teased you once about your penis and then you feel like oh my god Maybe some X said to you. oh, I hate your penis, and you're carrying that around with you. Or maybe it really is all the porn you're watching.

And you're like, oh my God, but women only want large penises. I've seen it in porn. Like for whatever reason that you're carrying all this around, you really have to switch that narrative in your head. And think, you know what? My penis works fine, it's great. My partner likes it.

I feel like, you know, you can really do these self-positive affirmations, I can take away all the negativity. Because like everything, like all of our insecurities and life, whatever it is that we're focused on, we have to do it. We have to realize that, you know, we have to fill these needs ourselves. Ultimately, we have to love ourselves,

we have to love our penises, we have to love our volvas, our clitorisys, it's not anybody's responsibility to cheer us up and to make us feel better about ourselves. So just do that, that this, something that you got to work on, but also, you don't know about how your partner, what your partner likes, continue to have an open dialogue with them about their needs because I'm telling you, the more that you guys are in a mutually satisfying sexual relationship, and you're both getting off and you're both getting your needs met, the better sex you're going to have. And nothing about your penis size or your breast size or anything is going to matter if

you have great communication and you're satisfying each other's needs. We are going to take a quick break. We come back. We're going to get into your emails. Okay, guys. Love answering your questions. It's why I exist on the planet. If you want to question the answer of the show, you can go to my website, sexwithemily.com.

Click the Ask Emily tab, felt the short form. Check a yes if you want to be called. We love talking to you. Or email feedback at sexwithemily.com as always include your name, your age where you live and how you listen to the show. Thanks. Okay, Jamie, you want to read this? Yes. Okay. So our first, you wanna read this? Yes.

Okay, so our first email comes from Adele, who's 18 in Michigan. She writes, Hi, Emily. I'm having casual sex with this guy and our sex is great, but we both wanna find a way to connect more deeply during sex while still keeping our relationship casual. I've never had a deep sexual relationship

without dating and either has he. We both don't know how to go about getting deeper while not dating. Thanks for all that you do. I love your podcast. Hey, Adele. Okay, so this is interesting because the word deep, like you probably, we can all define in different ways.

So I think often I'll talk about like a deeper connection and I mean like you have that real intimacy with a partner where you're like staring to the other's eyes and you're, you know, you're touching, it's intimate, maybe you're breathing together. And so that's kind of, I think we all get to define what deep means to us. I think at different points in my life, I might have thought I was having deep sex and then it just keeps getting deeper. So I'm not

trying to experience you have. I know you're 18 and Dell, but I have to tell you that anything is possible when it comes to sex I love this question because We can have great sex whether it's a one night stand or it's your long-term lover so That's one thing so that is the good news here now developing feelings. This is where it gets tricky It's sometimes when we want to get deeper. I think what you're saying here is your intention is to have sex, it doesn't feel frivolous or meaningless

or you feel bad when you wake up in the morning. So really it's about like, what does that mean to you a deeper connection? And if you really think about it, maybe you write it out and you're like, here's what deep means to be because of Dell, that's what you have to do for yourself. You might realize that like, oh,

it actually means feeling safe with someone and feeling that I can trust them. Well, for a lot of people, that means that you're sharing things and you're emotional and you're opening up and you're sharing vulnerabilities. So that can lead to those nasty feelings you don't want to have that you're avoiding. So you might have getting the feelings part of it,

but you might also have really great amazing connected deep sex. So I think it's important to talk about all the things, all the things you guys want to try sexually with each other, and then kind of focus on the sexual aspects and not so much like we should take a vacation together and try this stuff out. So that's the other thing. If you're in a casual relationship and you're like, I really don't want emotions, don't sleep over. Don't meet their friends and family.

Try to limp the time you spend together. Don't do it, you know, back to back nights all weekend because it feels so good. That's when the relationships start to happen. So you can try to keep those little bumpers and barriers in place. But be mindful of it and stick to your boundaries. And I don't know. I like the goal of getting a little bit deeper. Right? Let's see where that takes you.

Okay, so this next one is from Rich, 35 in the UK. He writes, Hi Emily, I've been with my partner for seven years and we have a brilliant sex life, but I read how sometimes a guy sex drives lessons as they age. This worries me as I love how things are now, three to seven times a week still. Is there anything I can do to maintain a good sex drive? Hey Rich, this is great because what I love is that you guys are already winning the race here. I mean, you are already doing great.

Seven years together, brilliant sex life, three to seven times a week, amazing. So I feel like you're already doing something right. You probably have a lot of the answers already. I would just keep doing what you're doing, but to also continue looking at why is it so great right now? Like what is it with your partner? I'm going to assume that you guys have a lot of communication around sex,

and that's why you still have really strong desire. I'm hoping that she's as pleased as you are. I think that how you keep a sex drive really high and how you guys stay connected is by continuing to reinvent your sex life. To always check in, talk about it, you're talking about everything else in your relationship, keep an open dialogue about what you're liking, about your fantasies, what you dislike, what you want to try. Variety is the spice of life and the spice of keeping your sex life interesting. Also, continuing to masturbate, doing your caggle exercises,

as we get older, hydration is so key, you guys. Drinking more water will help you stay lubricated, stay hard, keep your ejaculation healthy, and also eating healthy, being active, and get get checked up with your doctor. And just I have to say that low libido can happen sometimes. It can be hormones. It can be different medications that we're taking. So always get checked out by your doctors. But I think that the main thing here

is if you guys look at your sex life, like it's a hobby. Like it's something you guys do together. You know, maybe you picked up cooking or you've got some crafting. And whatever people look at as hobbies, it's something that you enjoy that you look forward to. I think if you look at sex like it's our hobby, and it's saying that we're both going to continue to keep alive and keep interesting does that you're going to continue to keep

your sex life as great for the next 50 years, 100 years. We're living a lot longer these days. Jesus, there's a lot more time, but that's, you know, it's good. The more you just remember, you guys, no matter what stage your relationships start talking about your sex life now, you're going to learn to love it, talking about it. It's like the most fun thing, promise. All right. Okay, this next one's from Alex, 24 and Ohio, and she writes, Hi, Emily.

I'm a rather recent listener, and man, have I learned so much in such a short period of time. I have a new boyfriend of a few months, who is a figure's older, but less in spirit, less experience than I, but he's been great so far. This communication is poor in the beginning, but after talking to him about it, he got a lot better. Now for the tricky part, he does not have any type of affection. If I go to hold his hand, hold it no problem.

We kiss alone goodbye, but there's no romance. We can be laying in bed together and not even touch each other. The night's on the weekend that I do get to be with him, I want to be all over him. How do I communicate this to him without being offensive? Do you have any tips or tricks on how I can get him to be more affectionate, romantic, or sexual? Is it a possibility that that's just how he is? I'd love to know your thoughts and hopes of helping my situation. Thank you so much. All right, thanks, Alex, for your email. Okay, so here's the thing about this. It really does come down to first letting him know how it feels to you.

Let him know that when you guys cuddle and when you guys touch more, you just feel so connected to him that it makes you feel even closer. Because the truth is about touching and relationship, it's so important to continue to have non-sexual touch. Its spikes are oxytocin, which is our cuddle hormone, helps us feel attached, our dopamine for our moods, cortisol, you guys, our anxiety goes down with more touching and more hugging and all those things. So I think it's important to let them know that that is a priority to you. That your love language sounds like physical touch, words of affirmation, you need you crave the touch.

Like that's how you experience love. You do not want to pose it as like, you never touch me. You only touch me when I ask you to touch me. How come I have to grab your hand first? Nobody years anything that you're going to say when you start with you never, you do this, right? We just kind of get into defense mode. So the other thing you have to know is you can let them know all those things and how

important it is to you, but also to let you know that some people are not as affectionate. They're just not going to be into touch. And I think it's something you can definitely work on. But I've thought a lot about this. I've talked to people. I've studied this and some people just they're never going to be that person that they need that is craving to touch all night into cuddle. They're going to do it for a little bit, but they're going to crave their own space. They're not going to want to be that person that they need that is craving to touch all night into cuddle They're going to do it for a little bit, but they're going to crave their own space They're not going to want to be touched when they sleep. They might feel uncomfortable holding hands in public

Now I think people can learn they can learn to love it But I think that we often are kind of one way or another But we also make sacrifices in relationships and I'm Learn how to touch each other and give love the way we want to receive it So let me know how it goes one more thing about love languages what I love about them is that He can also take his love language quit you guys could just take it together figure out what his are And I'm going to assume that his not physical touch But you might realize that if there's ways you can fulfill his love languages

He's going to be much more likely to want to fill your love language. This next one is from David, who's 30 in Canada. Hi Emily, I'm Fiancine. I've been together for eight years and have a great relationship. We have a great sex life and are always trying new things and both are very fulfilled. Recently, we hung out with a couple who's in an open relationship and we found it in intriguing. We're both open- minded people and started talking about this. We talked for a few weeks, decided to give it a try, setting hard boundaries and deciding to take it slow.

The problem is when we went to each go on our first dates, I had an anxiety attack and became extremely insecure about everything. This was completely out of the blue for me and I don't know what it's stemming from. I was really excited to do this with my fiance and now I can't stop thinking about her with others and it gives me a horrible sick feeling. How can I work through this and have the amazing open relationship that I know we could eventually have?

We'll have the show, thanks for everything. All right, hey, David, I love this honest, really thoughtful, really thought provoking email because here's the deal with opening up your relationship that it's not easy. It's the second you do, it's not like you're all of a sudden, you're never gonna have jealousy and this is a completely typical reaction.

It's totally new territory. You've been with her for eight years and all of a sudden, she's like leaving and I'll dress up and going on a date. I mean, that's just something that could trigger it. So remember that open relationships are not for everybody, but also it was the first date. So what might be really interesting and what's really cool that open relationships are not for everybody, but also it was the first date. So what might be really interesting and what's really cool about open relationships is it does.

I'm not saying you got to abandon it, but it sounds like you guys need to talk about it. Well, what's the anxiety? What's the jealousy stemming from? So you might have to really examine like, is it because maybe you're afraid she's actually going to leave you? Are you afraid she's gonna be having better sex with this other person? You know, really like talk it, talk it out with her

and find out what's that about because sometimes once we just say these things and we discuss it, it might lessen that anxiety for you. So, or might not. You might say, you know what? I realize that there's something I can't get past and let's just, you know, work on something else and your sex life together that will give you the same kind of variety and satisfaction that you

thought that you were going to get from opening it up. David, finally, you guys are engaged right now. So you're not married yet. I feel like when you're engaged, you know, you've been together eight years. So either figure this out now before you get, because if let's say your wife says, you know what? I really, what your fiance says, this is what I want. I've actually realized that opening it up

is any real, I said I'm actually not ready to be monogamous. So I think it's delicate and you guys should figure this out before you walk down the aisle. It's okay if it's not for both of you, but figure it out now. Okay, this one is from Regan, 23 in Ohio. She writes, hi Emily.

I grew up in a very religious household or masturbation, especially for women was a shateful thing that filled you with lust and sin. But as a woman with needs and a desire to better understand her body so she can have better sex, I feel like I should try it out. I've tried several times, and it just feels awkward and doesn't really get me turned on. I get turned on by the situation and the storyline of it all, and when I'm just by myself no partner making out with me or whatever, it doesn't really do anything for me. Do you have any tips on where

to start or to help me get turned on a little more or even what to do in general? I feel almost naive because I've been sexually active for quite some time now but I feel like a total beginner in the area SOS. Hey Regan, okay this is this makes total sense that a lot of us are socialized the way that we're like once you start having sex, you know, we don't think about masturbating and you've never masturbated. The first time we do it, if it's just kind of, for a lot of people, they swim in when they're younger, it just happens. They've an orgasm when they're young kids and like, oh, this feels good. I was riding a bike, or I was in the shower, but sometimes when you start, you know, to do it on your own

You're like this doesn't feel good. It's like if you scratch your back and someone else scratches your back When you just blindly go in and touch yourself. You're like, yeah, what? I don't understand the big deal. So this is why it's a mind game So what you're saying is you make total sense Reagan thinking about it when you're about to see your boyfriend the storyline the The leading up to it. You know our brains are the largest sex organ So fantasy is going to be your best friend here. And the fun thing about fantasy is that you get to make it up. Like you get to think about your own storyline

and our plots or situation that has happened in your life. Maybe with your boyfriend, you can think about it when you're not together. You can also watch them porn. I love Eric Aless porn for women. But it's like basically porn with a plot, which is why a lot of the mainstream porn does not porn for women. It's like basically porn with a plot which is why a lot of the mainstream porn does not work for women because essentially it is entertainment. It's not reality and it's

typically written created by men for men. So that's why women are like I don't get what the whole porn thing is about. There's also great erotica that can help. I found that helpful just like reading storylines or reading things that like turn me on and just again finding like thinking about things that have happened in the past or things that want to happen in the future. When our brain is on board for sex, our body will follow. So remember you want to get some fantasies going in your head, but also make sure that you're in a good space, that you're relaxed, you know, that you lock your door, you know, people are coming home, pamper yourself, take a bath, have a glass of wine, you know, that you lock your door, you know, people are coming home, pamper yourself, take a bath, have a glass of wine, you know, use your favorite bath oils, like all those

things that help you engage the sentences, so you want to light a candle, listen to music, and just start touching your body without the goal of orgasm. That's where we get into trouble. We're like, oh, I have to feel this orgasm. I tried it for three minutes, it didn't work. It could take you weeks. It could take you months. But just know that what you're doing here

is you're learning what feels good to you. You're taking your fingers. You're putting them all over your body. You're discovering new rod new zones, different touches, different pressures. You know, with your fingers, like a lot of women, like if you put, like I've said this and it is true,

if you put 100 women in or in a room and they were all masturbating, they would all be doing something different. Their fingers would be moving different, maybe circles, maybe tapping motions, maybe on their clitoris, off their clitoris, with a toy, with fingers. So this is the work that you have to do.

So it's really fun work. We love fun homework of masturbation. So taking the pressure off yourself and exploring with different touches, sensations, candles, all your senses are engaged and use lube. We love fun home work of masturbation. So take in the pressure off yourself and explore with different touches, sensations, candles, all your senses are engaged and use lube. I'm going to forget the lube in their masturbating. Use some lube and have fun and you're going to do just fine, I promise. Okay everyone, thanks for listening, happy new year. And thanks to my amazing team Ken

Samantha, intern Michelle, producer, Jamie, Ms. Chow, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? E-Malmy, feedback at sexwithendlane.com.