Sex With Emily - Sensible Sex Ed with Liz Goldwyn

Episode Date: January 25, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by founder of The Sex Ed and host of The Sex Ed podcast Liz Goldwyn to talk about getting past sexual shame and stigmas. They discuss why teaching kids and teens about their bodies and masturbation early can help them have more self-esteem and safer sex lives and what the current sex and dating climate is like post #metoo. Plus, how do you get past the fact that your boyfriend has broken a masturbation boundary, and getting comfortable watching porn with your partner when you’re sober.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFollow Liz & The Sex Ed on social @thesexed @goldilocksgFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I do think when you ask what has sort of been my vibe in the last couple of years, it really is spirituality and sexuality. It really is breath work. It's meditation. It's, I wish that when I was a little girl, someone had really told me to understand my own pleasure and my own body before I gave someone else access to it because I think even as adults, I see a lot of people expecting someone else to tell them what gives them pleasure. Yeah. Instead of taking that time with themselves and tuning in and really looking at, well, how do I look at my body and my sexuality?

Do I treat it as sacred? And that doesn't mean you need to be celibate or take a vow of chastity at all. It just means to be conscious that sexual energy is very powerful. Exactly. take a vow of chastity at all, it just means to be conscious that sexual energy is very powerful. Exactly. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm joined by founder of the Sex Ed Liz Goldwyn to talk about getting past sexual shame and stigmas.

Plus I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, while teaching kids and teens about their bodies and masturbation can help them have more self-esteem and safer sex lives. What the current sex and dating climate is like post-Me 2. How to get past the fact that your boyfriend has broken a masturbatory boundary and getting comfortable watching porn with your partner when you're sober. All this and more, thanks for listening. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so sad. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithelm.com and we can find us on all social media. It is at Sex with Emily across the board. Also intentions with Emily. So this year, I'm starting out asking you to set an intention for this show.

I'm doing it. I encourage you to do the same. And what I mean by this is like, when you're listening or right now, think about what do I want to get out of listening to this podcast, this episode? How can it help you? It could be as simple as like,

I don't want to know what the deal is with all these sexual taboos, or it could be like, I really want to feel more comfortable with sex and my body by letting go of old messages that no longer serve me. My intention for the show was just to give you some insight as to how the cultural sexual landscape is changing. All right, guys, enjoy the show.

So excited, my guest here, Liz Goldman. Yes. Thank you for being here. Liz Goldman, she has a podcast, a website called The Sex Ed, and a podcast and your filmmaker. And you've been an author. You just gave me one of your beautiful books. And you've had a podcast and your filmmaker and you've been an author, you just gave me one of your beautiful books and you've had a podcast out,

set two seasons. Two seasons, yeah. Where you've talked to a lot of people, I was like looking at topics like people with disabilities, the lives and rights of sex workers, toxic sex, sex and cannabis. Love that topic. Love that topic.

You don't talk about that. Such a fan of cannabis. We can talk about that. Sex rights, so Matrix, I could go on. I know you've dedicated your life to exploring human sexuality and all these modalities and mediums which is amazing and we're going to get it so Liz thank you for being here. Thank you.

Okay so I'm going to fill you in for a second so we just had Denise called she's 45 in California and she was saying that her 11 year old daughter she's been listening to the show and that her 11 year old daughter. She said how do I talk to her because she did come to me, she said, I listened to Emily and she told me she was touching herself. So I said to her, you know, don't put your fingers inside, but how do you talk to young girls about masturbation? Because I believe that we don't talk to kids enough

about pleasure and sex. And so what I just want, and I'd love to, you know, I said, you have to explain, you know, we don't, young girls don't know about their body parts and pleasure and the clitoris and masturbation. You can explain to her, you know, these things things and she said, but how do I get into all of it? And I think the most important thing is just to emphasize privacy that no one else can

touch you in that way. Be like proactive because I don't think that's a one time talk. You continue to talk. She'll think, oh, mom, I don't want to hear about it. But you keep going and then like expand the conversation. Keep the conversation going and it's privacy. It's for your pleasure. do it in your room, to ask me your questions and you keep talking to your kids

about it. Like you talk to that nutrition. Yeah, I think also as parents, you have to unpack your own shame before you have this conversation. Exactly. Because you know, two things, one, I think a lot of times we say don't do it, don't touch yourself and that it immediately sends a message that is wrong,

it's dirty. So you kind of got to look at yourself and get real comfortable. And then, you know, when I think of the movies that I saw growing up, like the teen movies, it was all about boys masturbating, American pie, et cetera. There was nothing that was celebrating women masturbating. So I think it's really important to teach girls

and all kids from a very early age to love their body, that their body is natural and human. I mean, my cat spends a lot of time licking his balls and his a-tits all the time. And he's totally relaxed about it. Exactly. You know, it's normal whatever you're doing in the privacy of your own room is okay. Exactly. That's exactly it. I love it. Okay, so Liz Goldwyn, thank you for being here. You can find you at the sex ed. Yep. So what have meant did you grow up knowing about masturbation?

I do know that you worked at plant parenthood at age 13. I did. Yeah. My mom is super feminist. So she was on the board of Planned Parenthood, you know, gave me Simone de Beauvoir and Betty for Down Books when I was a kid, and then my father was a total playboy, and I would steal his playboy magazines. So I kind of had both extremes growing up, and that said, as liberal as they were about sex, neither of them ever sat me down and had that intimate conversation about masturbation,

about what would it be like to lose my virginity or when should I do it? Because again, I think parents, even if intellectually, you know, they understand this topic, it's really uncomfortable to talk about. Exactly. That's exactly it. So you come from this family that really, I think that is such a great point that we are just all learning now as a culture that we have to do it with porn and there's all these things, all these reasons why the conversations happen a lot sooner, but parents aren't prepared yet because they haven't done

that work. Many. I mean, the most humans happen. Most humans. Yeah, most. That's why I say I always have a job. Like, the phones, people call in, they've never talked to themselves even though they never faced it. They were shamed once when they were eight.

Sex, death, and religion are, I think, are the three subjects to make people the most uncomfortable. And the sex that is about sex, health, and consciousness. So we actually cover a lot of spirituality, religion, and often a lot of our subjects on the podcast have brought up death as well. And preparations for death, Barbara Corellis, you mentioned Tantra, who's the author of Urban Tantra, who's the author of Urban Tantra. She also has done guiding people to prepare for death. And we know an orgasm is a little death. So, you know, there's these things that we all have to deal with, these messy human

real life issues. And we don't, you know, deconstruct them. No, we don't. We don't. But that's what you feel like. I love Barbara Cullis. She was on the show as well And I love I think Tantra could heal the world. I do too. I mean, I think it's breath breath it's sex Connexion connection Sexy just sex for me also that's a key. I think with kids too is it sex doesn't need to be something you have with another person Sex doesn't need to include penetration. Sex is also your energy source. Energy. Yeah. You know, it's your co-millennial energy. That's what we're talking about. I love to talk to, that's what I wanted, that's what I'm talking about. But then I'm trying to get everyone else to think I'm not like, I haven't lost my mind, right? We're not all, we're like,

California. But this is not what we call a foreigner. This is really ancient shit. It's ancient shit. It's been around long time for all of us. So there you go. But I think you're right. So have you, on your journeys from plant parenthood to now, like what, yeah, what have you discovered? Specifically in the last two years of getting into this podcast and interviewing people,

how is that, what have you learned in this journey? Well, I actually bought the domain names for the sex ad, which is our art because we have a multi platform, what media websites we have essays by experts. We do live talks and events and we have the podcast. And I bought the domain names in 2008. So it was uphill battle. I've written two books around sexuality.

My entire career, people were like, why do you care about dead strippers? Why do you care about dead sex workers? So we're just now coming to a time in the last two years, Trump, Me Too, Times Up, where essentially we have situations where corporations are making massive payouts to people because they've gotten into these Me Too situations. So culturally we realize, oh shit, we better start talking about these subjects.

Exactly. So one, I'm so grateful that I'm allowed, like, there's an acceptance of us all speaking about these things now. I'm so grateful that there are people I see so many young people being wanting to go into the field of sex education. It's amazing. It is a very new thing, I think, that it's like almost trending, that sexual wellness is trending. The one fear I have with that is that we, again, we have to include sex workers in the conversation. We do.

We cannot ostracize people who are adult performers either. You know, we can't just like clean it all up. No, we can't. But there's so much, so I'm so glad you're doing this and that you're covering all of these things because you're right, it's very, we've never talked about it and now it's thrust into the scene, and everyone has to do with it,

and have uncomfortable conversations with those kids. I just remember the first time I was like, Bill Clinton getting a blowjob in the lighthouse, and all of a sudden parents were like, here's what it means, this is what's on her dress, Monica Lewinsky, but now it's like in the forefront in so many ways,

for so many reasons, because of porn, right, so I remember the first time I was like, holy shit, you gotta talk to your kids about that. But right now, so how do you feel like, let's talk about me too, for example. How do you think that has changed the landscape in the last year? Do you feel it in the people you talked to and what you're doing under day-to-day life?

Definitely, especially in Hollywood. I mean, I think that there's people are sort of, in the same way that with diversity, for example, that a lot of corporations are almost shamed into at least publicly doing the right thing, you see that in Hollywood. I think we have yet to see it in a lot of other industries like music, the art industry, fashion industry.

It's been very difficult to take people to task. And even, you know, I've been in situations in Hollywood, for example, where I've had to leave a project because I've been sexually harassed. And when I think of like the fact that I walked away from something and I walked away from my writer's guild, Health Insurance, because I didn't have an avenue to speak up, and that was in 2016. Yeah, exactly. Like, right, sort of spring that year.

We wouldn't have had anywhere to go. Such a huge change. Exactly. So now I would have a place to go So I do think that that that's changed a lot that's given people a lot of permission But at the same time I'm noticing a real backlash about people saying oh, you know There's too much wokeness everybody is so woke. You can't tell the joke anymore. I and I hate when the jokes run out funny Oh come up with new material out to flirt. Yeah. I'm not allowed to touch you.

You know, that's a good thing. I think. Right. Then you asked for consent. What about consent? Have you the conversations about all of those things with your partners, with your kids? So I think it's now what about your own? Are you in a relationship now?

Are you I don't know your such. I was I got married very young actually. So I was at playing parenthood at 13. I met my ex-Hasbono when I was 18 and I was with him for 13 years. Okay. And I was also making a documentary, which I sold to HBO in my first book on Berlesque. So I kind of had this and this was about the Berlesque

Queens who were the big stars of the 1930s and 40s, the last generation of American Berlesque Queens called Pretty big stars of the 1930s and 40s, the last generation of American Burlesqueens, called Pretty Things, the book, and the film. So I was learning about sexuality from these women who at the time were in their late 70s, 80s, and early 90s as this young married monogamous woman my entire 20s. And you're like, oh, I'm just bored.

What happened? No, I wasn't. The sex was actually really great until the end. That was, I was just, you're just a very different person from 18. So I kind of had like an interesting entree into it where I was like kind of a 1950s housewife at heart, but then you know really interested in this subject and interested in exploring. Yeah, I went through a divorce in my my early 30s was the first time I Really dated anyone so that how did okay? So you started dating in early 30s and then you started doing more

Why I remember like I have four brothers and I remember one of my brothers taking my phone and Going through and seeing what men were texting me and and I remember him saying to me You can't answer people back after 10 o'clock at night. And I was like, what are all these rules? And like, who gave, did I miss the day that they handed out the guidebook? Because I don't believe in all of that at all. But yeah, it was really interesting.

Just not having a primer for any of that. I love that you still, can we go back to your burlesque remix? I love that you studied burlesque. And I think it's very misunderstood. And it's such a beautiful, like, to watch burlesque dancers, to love that you studied burlesque and I think it's very misunderstood and it's such a beautiful like to watch burlesque dancers, to go to experience it, performance, sex, clothing, fashion, all those things.

So what was it? You were talking to these women, like what a great, what an amazing project. I got into it actually through photography and the clothing and their costumes. I was in art school in New York City as a photography major at school visual arts and I was working for Sotheby's fashion department and I started collecting these burlesque costumes and because I was at an auction house and knew all the dealers and museums worldwide, no one else was collecting this stuff. So whenever it would come up for auction, they would call me and I was like, well, there must be a book about this because I'm a nerd who likes to spend time in the library. So I go and there's no book written about these about our last queens.

So I was like, okay, I guess I have to write it. Guess I must do this. I got it right in my calling. So I tracked down all these women, you know, who had been these big stars and a lot of them were hesitant at first about speaking to me especially on camera because they made their career out of their youth and their beauty in their body So it was it was amazing. It was amazing. How did they react about their? Did they have anything to say about being like sexually healthy or how they felt about sex?

Absolutely, but you know at the time this isn't the late 90s when I was When I was starting this work so burlast there wasn't pussy cut dolls yet Right and burlast wasn't a word that we now know. It was not like popular. So they hadn't been kind of like re-accepted. So they had felt very shamed for their career by their peers at their time. So it was, you know, they had a lot of, yeah, they were very hesitant to go back

into the spotlight and discuss it. And some of them had gotten into it. Some of them had just wanted to be in showbiz. Some of them had been abused. Some of them had done sex work. So it was like kind of all the great- Kind of is all the things. A lot of different experiences across the board.

So that's what I love is that you had that conversation in the late 90s. And now you're having the conversation with people in the same way going into their lives and some people who work. How is that conversation changed? You're talking to sex workers, you're talking with a bunch of different people.

How is that? I'm talking also with, we've had on this last season, we've had Natasha Lyone, who's an actress, an really old friend of mine, Nick Kroll, an Andrew Goldberg, who has a big mouth. Yeah, such a great show. So well done, that's what I want to tell parents to watch. I mean, I think people with kids,

teenagers can watch it with them. I love it, there's so many good shows on right now. Sex education is great. On Netflix, pen 15, have you seen that show? On Hulu is so great. Yeah, I think there's a lot of good content right now that kids can watch and have conversations with their parents about.

Yeah, I think that the dialogue around it is definitely changing for sure. Like we're seeing people like more open, we're talking about pleasure, we're talking about, there's all these sex toys being sold everywhere and different. I just think that we're more open now. Women are like, if we are not going to be with me too and everything, that's a reaction that I'm seeing.

I'm seeing that there's more, there's more information now available for women about sexual health and wellness. And I think it's just a, there's more products for women, there's more. People are innovating like period or thinks or all the things that are happening. All the, I would do this for 15 years, you were working it for a long time too, so you've probably seen in the last,

even just five years, the way we're innovating about these basic, above and sexual health to make things more pleasurable for women and- I don't think we've even scratched the service of the pleasure potential. And I do think when you asked what has service of the pleasure potential and I do think when you asked what has sort of been my vibe in the last couple of years, it really is

spirituality and sexuality. It really is breathwork. It's meditation. I wish that when I was a little girl, someone had really told me to understand my own pleasure and my own body before I gave someone else access to it because I think even as adults I see a lot of people expecting someone else to tell them what gives them pleasure. Yeah. You know, instead of taking that time with themselves and tuning in the way that, you know, and and really looking at, well, how do I look at my body and my sexuality? Do I treat it as sacred? And that doesn't mean you need to be celibate or take a vow of chastity at all. It just means to be conscious that sexual energy is very powerful.

Exactly. Teaching people, I always say, you know, young girls, but everyone, men and women about your own bodies, you have to do that work on your own and then you get to bring it to a partner. So I want to hear about how you would define, because I do often talk to you about breathing during sex and meditation, and I agree with all those things you're saying about it. I think that is such the cornerstone to it when we learn how to breathe and we learn how to meditate, but how about sexual energy? Like, how would you even explain that? Liz, I'm putting it to you.

Yeah, no, I think, I think, I think, I think, I Goldwind I think sexual energy is super powerful one thing that's talk about Yeah, conversation that I've been having a lot lately with people is about periods of self-imposed solubacy as a way to Maybe cleanse the palate to reclaim your energy after a traumatic experience or after a breakup to help Starts healthy pattern healthy or patterns, maybe you're using sex the way that you would use food or drugs or alcohol as a way to escape loneliness or the void. I think a lot of now that sex has become so transactional, especially with dating apps, no shame in it,

but just are you reaching to that other person because you're feeling insecure, you're feeling bad about yourself, or is it do you trust that person? Have you had a conversation, for example, are you comfortable enough with that person that you're being that intimate with, that you're exchanging bodily fluids with, that you've actually discussed it? And I think a lot of people are having sex without having those conversations.

Most people. And they don't realize that sexual energy is super powerful. And this is about, sound very California hippie-dippy. But literally, if you're engaging in heteronormative sex, if you're being penetrated, you are literally taking on someone's energy. I don't let people bring their shoes in my house. Right. Okay.

You can't bring shoes in my house. Good shoes. I will bring them in. Because I think about that. So, if you're conscious at all about any of this stuff, you need to think about the people that you let inside your body. Exactly. It's like you are, and this is the thing, people are like, we wind the right time to have the talk about sex. I'm like, the second you are, the second before you're good at nakeding naked with them, this is the most personal thing you can do.

You're naked and better with some other, the penis is inside of you, but we are not equipped to have healthy conversations. One's the last time you were tested. I don't have sex without, I don't have sex without economists, I'm in a monogamous relationship. These are things that should be, you should feel comfortable saying to someone before you're having sex. Exactly.

And we're just, we're truly, we're truly not there yet, but we're working out. And we're trying to get people to feel comfortable with it. And it is energy. I think we can all relate to what that feels like, the energy of having sex, of connection, and it's intimacy. And if sex is about pleasure and satisfaction and connection, what better way to redirect it or correct it? You know, correct if you just talk about it. Very complicated people. Well, I'm glad you're doing this list,

this gold one on your podcast, Sex Ed. Sex Ed, they can find it at sexed.com. The sex ed. The sex ed. The sex ed.com, our podcast is the sex ed, our Instagram is the sex ed. Okay. What do you think is the most misunderstood thing

about sex that you figured out lately? Like, no one gets blank. Oh, I don't even know where to start. I mean, I think, again, I think the celibacy thing is really interesting because it's just a conversation that's coming up a lot. Just to be... And shame, I think...

Shame and telebathy. Shame separately. Shame in general. I've had a lot of... It's a get celibits. You can figure out why you're shameful around sex and then release it. But I've had people say, I have an ad set.

We posted something on our Instagram. We had all these comments and people were going back and forth. I have an ad sex and six months. I have an ad sex in six years. And I then had friends calling me up and said, you know, I wanted to tell you about this, but I felt really embarrassed to say that I hadn't had sex in an X amount of time. You know, so these are things that- Yeah, giving them permission.

Yeah, exactly. Because you feel bad. We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to-

We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to-

We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- We have to- without falling in love, or maybe that's because we're working through some stuff right now. There's a million different reasons, but I think we put a lot of projections, especially on to women of what that says. And now that we're all supposed to be super sexually, I think you can be very sexually liberated,

right? But that doesn't mean that you're having sex with everyone. That said, if you are having sex with everyone great, as long as you're doing it safely, I think there's just room for everybody without judgment. I think absolutely right. And I like the period of calling it self. But tell us, self-esteem might, you know, turn people off on it, but I think it's so healing. Self-imposed.

Self-imposed. And healing sex. I guess in the last year, I barely, this is, since I started this show, I started having sex with the audience, the listeners, and the last, last, yesterday, not really. I've never had sex with a listener. I've had really no, not yet. What about the guests? Yes. Yes. I could do that. No guests in the last year and serious, but in the last five, maybe I had to have a boyfriend on the show. Yeah, on the podcast, like 10 years ago, he was a hot author, I interviewed him, and then we had sex after. But also, self-imposed solvacy can look like different things. So let's say, maybe that's not penetration,

but it's oral, maybe it's finger, meaning there's a lot. No, one of them sings, I love it. I'm just trying to market it, because I just, I hear people, this, I used to call the mandatoryum when I gave it man and years ago, that didn't give it sound, so I wouldn't even say that now.

It was like 10 years ago, I was like, I'm on a mandatoryum, I'm not gonna have sex for six months. And it was because I was healing from something and I was talking about it on the show. I was like, I'm on a mandatory, I'm not gonna have sex for six months. And it was because I was healing from something and I was talking about it on the show. I was like, I was really trying to, yeah, hear myself. What is it that, what's my part in my past relationship? How do I heal from that?

What, and then that's, I did a lot of my great self-expiration work. It's still self-love, celibacy. It's totally, it's totally self-love. And also I wanna say, I'd like to think that I'm gonna have an amazing freaky sex life when I'm 80. And so it's not like this one period you're in right now is the end all be all. And that's also includes like whether you're 22 or 17

or like 50, however old you are. Like there's always a place to evolve to. Right. And I think that you're not gonna evolve sexually unless you take time to really figure out what it is about you that you like, communicate to yourself, and then you'll be able to communicate better to others. I agree. Because sex is the life is long,

and you would be the will be periods where you're having sex, but you're not having sex, so it's not like you're broken. No. Nothing's wrong with you. And also, if you're not normal, you're not alone, there's so many other people out there

experiencing the same thing. I love that you did that. You know, walking around thinking that everyone else has it more together than we do, but that's not true. Well, we're walking around thinking that everyone's having more sex, more orgasms, more pleasure, and everyone's in super happy relationships. And they're not.

Okay, I have to ask you, not everyone, Liz Goldwyn, I've asked you the five questions I asked on my not. Okay, I have to ask you, not everyone, Liz Goldwyn, I've to ask you the five questions I ask on my guess. Okay. Biggest turn on. A brain. Biggest turn off. Acid wash jeans. That's a big one. Even though they're making a comeback. What makes good sex? Intimacy and vulnerability. Something you tell your younger self about sex.

It's just gonna get better. Number one sex tip. Mastermate. Yes! Mastermate and mastermate especially before you have a big meeting. It gives you such an edge. It's true. Before you have a big meeting, a big day, you're stressed. A date? A date. Absolutely.

Alright, thank you Liz Goldham. They can find you at the sex ed. Social media, the sex ed.com. We'll have it in our showroom as well. Thank you for being here. We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your email questions. Alright guys, I love answering your questions.

It's so fun. Please send me your questions. You can click the Ask Emily tab on our website, sexwithmly.com, fill it the short form, or email feedback at sexwithmly.com. But all you got to do is include your name, work with your gender name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to this show. Okay, Jamie, you, wanna read the emails? Yes.

Okay, this first one comes to us from Mary, who's 23 in New Jersey. Hi, Dr. Emily. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little over two years, and about a year ago, we set a boundary on our relationship that he wouldn't masturbate to girls on Instagram that he knows in real life. He recently revealed to me though

that he had broken that promise in the past few months. Idiot. It's made me insecure about myself and our relationship and I'm not sure how to help us both heal from the breaking of trust. He says he's ashamed in regards to his actions but I'm not sure how I can get over this. Am I being unreasonable? Okay Mary, you're not being unreasonable. I understand, you know, that it's hurtful to know that your boyfriend is master reading to someone else. But, you know, I'm going to tell you, and we're not laughing at him. I'm just saying that, like, you guys are twenty-three years old, you know, you're trying to figure out all this sexual boundary stuff, but I don't think that there's a need to disclose

all this information, and I'm going to be honest with you guys and women, we're going to masturbate to people that are not our partners. That is going to happen in your lifetime, in and out of relationships. This is where ignorance can be blessed and also I want to know how this conversation came up. Were you grilling him and saying, tell me the truth. Are you masturbating to this woman and this woman and this woman? If he's saying, I feel like he wants to be honest

and he's human but then also you're using that information and it feels really bad. So I mean I like that he came clean, you know, he's regretful but I feel like this boundary is just sort of what I'm curious why you need this boundary. Does he have something, did you feel like maybe he was masturbating too much? Was he watching too much porn? Did you like catch him once masturbating? I'm curious why this became such a huge issue in the relationship. Now, it sounds like he really wants to be with you. He's not going to be with these women in real life, unless that's what you think is happening.

So, I would really look at yourself and say, why is it such a problem for me? Why am I asking it? Because it's not like cheating is happening in other ways, and every couple gets to decide what constitutes cheating and what doesn't. If this is something that is a big trigger for you, I suggest therapy, maybe for both of you, maybe for yourself, but I feel like as a 23-year-old man, it's pretty tough to kind of put limits on their masturbation unless they're, it becomes a problem. Like we know masturbation is a problem when there's consequences, meaning like he can no longer

get hard with just you in the room or his penis isn't working as like he'd like to or so. There's a lot of other things, but it sounds like there's some deeper trust issues that might have been present before you even dated them. So. Yeah, I just want to know, it's like why he can't just use porn or look at Instagram models that he doesn't know. Like it's very such a specific boundary that I feel like that's just an odd thing that he feels compelled that he has to masturbate

to people that he knows on Instagram. But also how, yeah, I agree with you. How did this come up in the very first place? I feel like guys just, they're gonna masturbate in the moment if they see someone, if they're just following someone and they're on her feet. Like, I don't know if it's premeditated or you're scrolling and you're like,

Oh yeah, I don't think he's seeking them out. I think you're right, but it's like, and then why he would need to break, to admit it, it's not even, it's not even like being dishonest to your partner by admitting it, that's just a private thing that you do. And it's just bringing these things up can just end up hurting your partner and then hurting the relationship.

And now you have this giant hurdle you have to get past. Exactly. They're creating a problem where maybe it doesn't have to be one. It doesn't have to be a problem, but I think that there are some other issues here. Definitely. There was trust before and for other things I think so I think there was some flirting things maybe happening. Yeah, maybe he was the M.ing people She saw something so I would say let's just get beneath the surface here of the masturbation part and see what else is going on

The dreaded DMs The dreaded DMs Just delete the DMs Okay, this next one comes to us from Chuck who is 44 in Pennsylvania. Hello, Dr. Emily. Lately, I have had the urge to be dominated by my wife sexually. I enjoy her being submissive, but would like to switch roles. This brings me to my question.

I enjoy cleaning up her vagina after I have finished in her. It is a huge turn on to be told to do it, but I enjoy doing it either way. Do women enjoy this? Is it common? Wow, why is it such a turn on? I'd love to it, but I enjoy doing it either way. Do women enjoy this? Is it common? Wow, why is it such a turn on? I'd love to hear your thoughts on the subject. Okay, Chuck, here's the thing. First off, I think that is a hot.

And I think that for many people listening, who are having sex with women, I think you could think about like, wow, could I clean this up after? Yeah, I've had men who like got like a warm, a warm washcloth, like ran under warm water and then brought it in and like cleaned me off. And it was so nice. So I think that's a really hot and sexy thing to do. Now, if you want her to say like, I want you to clean me up,

because it sounds like that's how you want to be submissive, you can just let her know. Like be specific and say, I love dominating you when we're having sex, but I think it would be really crazy sexy if afterwards you like demanded that I clean you off afterwards. And be specific. Again, you have to remember when we're giving our partners, when we're having these conversations with our partners about things that we want more in the bedroom,

we have to be as specific as we can. And then you can say to them, like, do you have any questions about it? Because oftentimes, when new sex information comes in, our first thing is to kind of either shut down blame ourselves. We're not doing enough. My partner's probably bringing up sex because I suck. These are all the insecurities. So I think if you're really specific about it, I can't see this coming up for debate. I agree. I think I would love that. I'd be like, you made the mess. You clean it up. Perfect. Clean it up. They can use the freshies. We love the freshies by Wumor play. There's like, as he wipes by the bed. Those. I have them. I have

like one in like each purse that I own just because you never know. Never know when you're going to have to clean up sexy things. Yeah. Exactly. They're amazing. So those are called freshies. They're great gifts as well. Okay. And this last one comes to us from Ava who is 29 in California. Dr. Emily, my husband and I recently went on trip to Vegas for a few days. I ended up drinking a little too much, which we know makes me extremely horny. After a fun night out, we went back to the hotel and really started going at it. We tried a lot of new things, and then about halfway through, I turned to my husband

and asked him if he wanted to continue this while watching porn, to which he leapt at the opportunity. Needless to say, it was amazing. I turned to my husband and asked him if he wanted to continue this while watching porn to which he lived at the opportunity Needless to say it was amazing. However before this night I was that girl who was absolutely against porn Something must have just come out of me that night out of curiosity, I guess Since then he asked me if we could continue venturing into watching porn while having sex Problem was that I did all of this while I was drunk and while I'm not completely opposed to it I'm not sure how to begin to do it sober. Thank you so much for your help. Oh, good question.

We've all had those nights in Vegas, right? Okay. Ava, thanks for the question. So I'm glad that you watched porn and it was a great experience. And then I'm curious also, what was it that you were like anti-aporn about? Because a lot of times, like I said earlier, we have these judgments around sex when someone makes a request for us and do something or we just hear something we're like anti. So I'm wondering, what was it about porn?

So that might be of help because there might be some kind of old judgment that you're holding on to that watching porn is wrong or it makes me a bad person or sorry to kind of examine that. And then I would also say that when you're sober, yeah, sex can definitely be, you know, a different experience. But I think that maybe if you find some porn beforehand that you actually like and maybe you guys pick it out together or maybe you do some research, then that could be something that you know what's coming.

So it's not as random. Just remember though, like I don't know if you're concerned about your husband is like definitely turned on by you. And I feel like that porn just helps a lot of couples get in the mood. And then while you're watching it during sex, it can just be really hot. You could also play with it.

You could say we're gonna watch it at the beginning and turn it off or we're gonna turn it on once we get going. Also, it doesn't have to be every single time you have sex. The reason why I also have a lot of couples like it is because it's a variety. It's something different. A lot of couples are craving the spontaneity, something new, something interesting in the relationship. So sometimes watching porn for a few minutes or during sex can be really hot. And I'm not the moment to have any glass wine just to warm yourself up, you know?

But I understand about being really drunk sometimes and my personal experience when I'm wasted, the sex seems like it's a lot funner, but I feel like it's more fun, but it's not necessarily my most pleasurable sex. Yeah, like in hindsight, you're like, was it that great? Yeah, when it was cool that we tried new stuff,

but you're like, was it that great? When it was cool that we tried new stuff, but... You're like, was it great, right? I agree. I agree. I agree. Rados, wherever you're listening to the show, right now, if you're on your phone listening, wherever it is, just give us, you know, Rados, hi, we love that. Give us five stars, leave a comment,

and iTunes about why you like the show. And then also, don't forget to sign up for our mailing list because we have a lot of exciting things coming up. And people like our newsletter, they just do. We give good newsletter. Alright guys, thanks for listening. Thanks to my awesome team. Can Kristen Alisa, Brian, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? E-mail me, feedback at sexwithamlabel.com. you