Sex With Emily - Sex and the Senses

Episode Date: April 20, 2022

When it comes to sex, a lot of us have a movie in our head about the way it “should” go down. I should look a certain way. They should kiss me a certain way. We should have epic orgasms. In other words, picture perfect...But here’s the real real: you’re going to orgasm way easier – and more intensely – if you can get out of your head, and into your body. So on today’s show, I’m helping you have fully embodied sex using your five senses. Together we can remove the mental blocks from orgasm. If you're not turned on or inspired to have sex, these are sensory tools you can use to seduce yourself or your partner…and feel all the electric sensations leading up to the big O.  Plus, I take your questions: how to talk dirty without swearing, how to bring back an MIA orgasm, how to stop disassociating during sex and much more.Show Notes:Ask Emily: How Do I Partner I’ve Been Faking OrgasmsThe Fin by DamePodcast: Where Did My Orgasm Go?Our Communication Guide Talk Dirty to Me w/ Joanna Angel Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We all have that moan, that sex voice, that sex sound, and it's not artificial, it's not what you see in porn or how you think it should sound. You really have your own unique sexual sounds, like your primate cousins. I want you to find yours, because what I'm saying here is the more you find yours, you will authentically it will help enhance your arousal and your partners. Okay, but I wanted to come from you first, not doing it for your partner, but doing it for yourself. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. When it

comes to sex, a lot of us have a movie in our head about the way it should go down. I should look a certain way. They should kiss me a certain way. We should have epic orgasms at the same time. In other words, it should just be picture perfect. But here's the real real. You're going to have a lot more pleasure and you're going to orgasm way easier and more intensely if you can get out of your head and into your body. So on today's show I'm helping you have fully embodied sex using your five senses. Together we can remove the mental blocks from orgasm. If you're not turned on or inspired type sex these are sensory tools you can use to seduce yourself or your partner and feel all the electric sensations leading up to the

big O. Plus I take your questions like how to talk dirty without swearing, how to bring back an MIA orgasm, how to stop disassociating during sex and so much more. Intentions with Emily for each episode I want to start off by setting an intention. I do it, I encourage you to do it. So when you're listening, what do you want to get at this episode? Well, my intention is to help you understand the connection between your body, sensory experience and your orgasm.

If we can just attune ourselves to all the sensations available to us, the kind of pressure you like, the music you like to hear, even the way someone tastes when you kiss, it's a lot easier to stop the distracting mental chatter and have sex that's pleasurable, powerful, and fully embodied. Please rate and review Sex with the Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article asks Emily, how do I tell my partner I've been faking orgasms? It's up at sexwithemle.com. Also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemle.com slash

Ask Emily. Or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 575739. As always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to this show. Totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode! Okay, I have some great questions from all of you on sex and senses, but before we get into them, I want to talk a little bit about pleasure and orgasms and how it's going to be a lot easier to achieve either one of those if you've got the right sensory inputs coming in. Because if you're not of the mood to have sex, you can't always think your way there. Maybe you've got some fantasies that you go to,

but what I'm talking about is feeling aroused. So here's some tools to engage your senses, to feel more sexy, more sexual, and more like you're about to enter into a hot experience. And now you're going to learn to feel them. You're going to learn to recognize which ones direct you more towards pleasure and which sensory experiences do not. Which ones make you feel not turned on and which ones are like, I'm feeling good in my

body. So now I'm going to ask you to get in touch with what pleasure and sex means to you and especially connect to what you want to feel like during sex. So take your focus and off all the sheds. Don't shud all over yourself and focus on what gives you pleasurable feelings and sensations and you're going to learn that through your senses. Okay, let's dive in. We all have sensory associations. okay? Good or bad? So what I mean by that is during sex,

our bodies are in a constant state of pressing the accelerator of putting on the brakes. Now, this sexual arousal system was initially explained by Alfred Kinsey in 1947, but Emily Nagoski wrote an excellent book called, Commas You Are, and she populated these concepts of arousal using this analogy. So, your turn-ons are when you're pressing the accelerator, but when you're turned off, you're putting on the brakes.

And Emily causes the sexual excitation system and the sexual inhibition system. So you're excited when you're accelerated and your breaks are your inhibitions. So a rousal consists of these processes, right, when you're turned on. Are you activating the accelerator? Are you seeing something that turns you on? Are you touching something that turns you on? Or are you pushing on the breaks? And we all have this system and we're constantly scanning the environment for sexually relevant stimuli.

And that comes in the way of our senses, things that you're hearing, things that you're seeing, touching, tasting, or smelling. And what's that doing is it's setting signals from the brain to the genitals, turn on, or turn off. So the cool thing is is if you're having trouble with any phase of your sexual response or getting turned on, start asking yourself, is it because the accelerator

isn't being stimulated enough or is there something hitting my brakes? So once you know, oh, this is something that's putting the brakes on, then you can stop it. And you can figure out how to create the change you want in your sex life. So what am I talking about here? Let's take touch for example. So maybe you know that a super soft gentle touch is what turns you on. But when someone grabs you or they pull you or they pinch you, that doesn't turn you on, okay? So when you think about that, your body's going

to accelerate when you're touching the way you want to be touched. You're going to put the brakes on when it's a kind of touch that doesn't make you feel good. Okay? So what I like about this model of understanding what's going to get you going and what's going to turn you off and what's the most innovative is that rather than this notion that you have to change that better sex, that you need to use something different, that you

need to find what turns you on. It's a whole complex thing. It occurs you to embrace yourself and adapt to your environment and adapt to the environment and think about how can I optimize my sex life by defining what turns me on. Now listen, you can apply these associations to all your senses, the way someone smells. What you're hearing while sex is happening, the way someone tastes is all giving you data, pushing you into the accelerator mode or the brake mode. So again, once you learn to recognize which one of your senses is a turn on, like, oh, I love that smell, I love that touch, and which one turns you off,

then you'll be able to kind of create an environment more easily that's going to get you going in the right direction towards your pleasure, and that's why you's going to get you going in the right direction towards your pleasure and that's why you're going to be able to turn yourself into an interaction towards way more pleasure. So my next point, you know why your sense is matter during sex. So, how can you hack them for a rousal and orgasm? How do you do that? The bottom line is a rousal is just way more multi-sensory than we realize.

And here's a fun fact from Dresson Laymiller. Attraction is a multi-sensory process. Who were attracted to depends not just on how another person looks, but also how they smell, how they're maltace, and so on. And what I want to add to that is, in addition to who were attracted to, what I want to focus on today is what were attracted to in our environment is always experienced through our five senses. So when we pay attention to which sense, which foods, which sounds really get us in a right

direction and it doesn't have to be sexually turned on. Like, the ones that make you feel good, right? If we understand which senses are pleasurable to us, then our sexual desire is going to be understood much better. Like, if you might think like, if I hear these five songs in a row from my playlist, I'll be much more close to returning on than these songs. See what I'm going with this? If I smell vanilla, lavender, and spice, I'm going to be highly aroused. But if I come home when I smell garlic, and patchouli, and a bunch of roses, I'll be nowhere near ready to have sex. And in fact, I am turned off. See, we like to think of attraction as something really mysterious

that comes right from the heart, but really our brain is constantly running a complex series of calculations. And no matter of seconds, that is what's responsible for determining a rousal. But listen, it doesn't mean attraction is in our head. These calculations are happening all over our body at all times, with 5 cents is ready to vote in or veto any kind of attraction. So now, I want to go through each sense and look at how you might hack each one of these to turn your cell phone or your partner on creating the groundwork down to length or sex, but a

really awesome orgasm. Alright, touch. Now this is probably the most obvious sense you want to engage during sex, but as long as we're doing this, why not engage it the right way? It can be super helpful to experiment with someone or even yourself to see what type of touch works for you. Think of it this way, which type of touch is your accelerator or your turn on? Receiving touch. Are there moments? You can remember that really turned you on. Now sometimes it's hard to answer a general question, so if you break it down, this is my be easier. Do you want to pre-touch lightly? Do you want to soft graze in your cheek?

Do you want to teasing Kess in your neck? Or do you want to be held down during sex and spanked? Like which one gets you going? And that's okay if it's both of them. Think about touch this, but also are there times you prefer something more intense? Being held down during sex, something a little bit more rough or more athletic? See, we all have different preferences. So when you think about touch and you play with touch, you can figure out what excites you

simply so you'll have more data, right? When you're thinking about what's gonna get me going during sex, like, okay, personally, typically I wouldn't want to start off really, really rough. That usually comes later if I'm into it. But mostly what I know is a sure thing is to start slow. Touch me slowly, softly, gently graze my neck. Like, I'd say that's a sure formula. Now, sex is all about variety. So again, sometimes I might want something else, but typically if you were to ask me over time the touch I want from a lover is a little bit softer moving into a little bit more harder, right?

So I want you to think about it play with touch. Just think about what excites you so you'll have more data So you can be your own best advocate. Oh speaking of touch. You know, there's also toys You can bring into the picture that help us experience touch in a really unique way. You don't just have to rely on fingers or hands. There's feathers. There's vibrators. I love the fin by day, which essentially the fin turns your hand into a vibrator, which is very cool. There's body-safe massage candles for temperature play, there's paddles, there's sensation kits. So, have fun with this stuff. Go to our shop page on our website and see what you can find that might help you enhance your touch experience.

Here's some interesting science on touch. So, regularly engaging in physical contact with those you love or those you like can help increase our oxytocin levels and relax the nervous system. And oxytocin is a cuddle hormone, which is why it can feel so good to cuddle with a partner, to touch a partner on a regular basis. Whereas the opposite of that, if you're somebody who's not getting a lot of touch, you know, we have something called skin hunger, where you're really not touching anybody, could

also have a detrimental effect, can have a detrimental impact on your mental health. Now more touch can also make our bodies more resistant to pain. As the more touch we have, it also increases the production of serotonin. Now that's our body's antidepressant and anti-pain chemical.

So that's why it feels just so good to touch and connect with others. And this is something to keep in mind if you want to engage in a little pain during sex as well. Pleasure and pain, opposite ends of this touch spectrum, but both can feel equally good and be equally satisfying. Okay, sound. So now, if you're trying to figure out which sounds get you going, here's some place to look for your inspiration.

Now, background music can obviously be a huge part of the experience of having sex. Let me think about it. Would you rather have sex to your favorite hottest, most central playlist or some elevator music? Elevator music to me is a turn off. But sound isn't only about music, it can also be the way we're breathing. This sounds we make approaching and during orgasms. And of course, dirty talk. That's another way to think about sound. Or maybe your someone who prefers

minimalist sound or environment during sex. So you can hear that breathing, all that moment. Maybe too much sound pulls you out of the moment. Or maybe the silence, complete sounds is distracting to you. You need to play a list to get you in the mood, and nothing else is going to get you going. Now, conversely, think about what sound doesn't work for you. What puts on the brakes? Like for me, if the TV is on, and I hear people talking about sports, there's no way I'm having sex. Like, if I hear sport talk, like, you know, I have never been with a partner and you start hooking up, I'm like, turn off the TV. But if I turn off the TV and I switch it to like a hot playlist,

then I reset and I'm ready to go. So this is what I'm asking you to pay attention to your environment, tweak it. Maybe you should never listen to sports or heavy metal or country music, because why risk not feeling good good or maybe there's a time and place. Sunday night cleaning you want to listen to certain music but not Saturday night play time. So the point here is the more you pay attention to your surroundings just over the next

few weeks from a sensory perspective, you'll be gathering really important data about your sexual arousal process. And now you'll take the mystery out of what the hell gets you in the mood. Because now you're going to know, oh god, there was sports playing. The environment was a disaster. My partner wasn't touching me. There was some weird smells going on. I'm like, you can look at it and see all these things are impacting your ability to get

a rouse. It's not just like, I'm turned on, I'm turned off. You get what we're doing here? I'm trying to get you to become an expert of your own arousal. And remember, there's no right way here, there's no sheds. It's all about experimenting to see which sounds, in this case, turn you on. Another sound note here, in every culture, whether you on. Another sound note here in every culture, whether you're in Asia or North of Finland, down south of the Amazon, all over the globe.

Women are louder when it comes to sex. Now, I talk about this a lot in the show because I think that women are typically louder, but we tend to mute ourselves, we quiet ourselves. But in the primate world, vocalizations communicate a lot about the female in question. So, namely, if you hear like a primate and animal making lots of noise, it means that her overall health, fertility, and place in the alvatory cycle are queuing partners in, male partners, and it's saying, hey, this is what

you're going to get out of this sexual encounter with this female. So essentially, it's saying, hey, this is what you're going to get out of this sexual encounter with this female. So essentially it's advertising. So in the primate world, we use our vocalizations to advertise about who we are as a primate at that moment. So it's saying that I'm fertile, how am I over our health is. Since the beginning of time, it's a strategy. Females use them, bring in new males in order to try and mate with them.

So what does that mean now? Well, if you're a vulva owner and you're struggling to get turned on, making your own noise can help facilitate your arousal, not just your partners. So what I'm bringing this up here is because there are very deep evolutionary associations we make with a woman moaning during sex. And it might be just the thing to hack your brain into a rousal. Now I get it.

You might not be comfortable making noise during sex. And I think most of that has to do with societal conditioning, growing up at a home where it wasn't. Maybe you masturbated, you're like, I can't make any noise. So you have to mute yourself. Maybe you just thought it wasn't. You know, maybe you masturbated, you're like, I can't make any noise. So you have to mute yourself. Maybe you just thought it didn't sound right, the noises you were making and having roommates

or maybe your partner had roommates and you just learned to be quiet. But once you give yourself permission to actually make noise during sex and find your sex voice. And again, I invite you to practice this in the shower, practice when you're alone masturbating. Find that deep guttural, sexual voice, because we all have it. We all have that moan, that sex voice, that sex sound, and it's not artificial. It's not what you see in porn or how you think it should sound. You really have your own unique

sexual sounds like your primate cousins. I want you to find yours. Because when I'm saying here, the more you find yours, you will authentically it will help enhance your arousal and your partners. Okay, but I wanted to come from you first, not doing it for your partner, but doing it for yourself. I can tell you from practice that I was much quieter in the beginning of my sexual experiences. And then once I was much quieter in the beginning of my sexual experiences. And then once I realize it like how much sound enhanced my sexual experience like I'm loud, I make bad noises and I really don't care what anyone else thinks. It's part of my sexual experience that makes it so satisfying.

Sight. So another way to hack your senses for orgasm is to play with sight. So what are you looking at during sex? Obviously, you're probably looking at your partner, just if you're physically attracted to them. That's gonna be like a surefire accelerator. That's great. But what if sex has gotten a little wrote? Just staring at your partner a long time for many many years. They're not the only accelerator right now. We'll play with other visual cues.

A mirror. I've talked about this before, but looking in the mirror at yourself having sex, especially for vulva owners, there have been studies that have shown that when vulva owners look at themselves in the mirror during sex, they're much more aroused and turned on. Matt Sink doesn't feel great with penis owners as well, but it's something to think about.

Candles, rather than just pitch black, switch up your environment what you're going to see. Roll plays fun, especially if you're playing dress up, wearing something that feels good to you during sex. Maybe there's like some things you could take off during sex, some socks, you know, we could wear some sexy socks, some shoes, just kind of having something else to look at to play with. So you feel different during sex and your partner's looking at something different during sex. Or you can also take site away blindfolds, for example.

This could have a really arousing effect and stimulating your other senses, because when you put a blindfold on, when you take away one sense like sight, all your other senses become more aroused and engaged. All right, taste. Now, taste, again, it's a more subtle sensory cue during sex, but just don't sleep on this one. You do know how I feel about flavored lube. That's a great option for people who are still acclimating to the natural taste of genitals and sexual fluids, not to shame them, not a crutch. It's just a unique additive. Tasting some loob that's really fun is additive and taste delicious. You can also incorporate taste as a prairie just sex, sharing bites of our dinner, feeding each other, you know, some finger foods. That's a super central way to connect. And let's not forget, you can also lick things off

each other's bodies. Like chocolate, for example, body chocolate. Get something that's made for your body because remember, missing up sugars, especially if you have a vulva inside of you, can actually cause infection. But just putting on your bodies and some chocolate sauce that could be really erotic and really yummy. And if you haven't tried this, play with giving versus receiving. There's one person doing the licking or the one being licked.

You might find that one or both is a huge turn on, especially if you're a dessert person like I am, like bring on the chocolate, bring on the whipped cream. Okay, finally, smells. We're scent. So smell is the most connected to memory. It's the most primal sense that we have. You're gonna have to smell something,

you're like, oh, that reminds me of third grade when I was riding my bike to the store, and you know, you just have these memories. Like, there's nothing like smell to bring you back to a very particular moment. So this could be one reason why there's so much research on body odor and pheromones and sexual rousal. We have smell cues buried deep inside our brains, letting us know whether someone is optimal

genetic and sexual partner or they're not. But smell also accelerates or breaks us in other ways. Some people get incredibly aroused by cologne. Other people just get a terrible headache. And this is crazy. In one study, the sense of pumpkin pie mixed with lavender, increased blood flow to the penis by 40%. So you know what to do there, don't you? So again, key here, play with different candles, body lotion, perfumes, colognes, see which one excites you. So my final takeaway, sex is somatic, meaning in your body of the body. Your body is constantly transmitting information back and forth between your nervous system and your brain.

So if you want to get turned on, really turn on, and ideally experience orgasm, again, not the goal, but who doesn't love an orgasm, we have to know what attracts us to a sexual experience. And by experimenting with each one of your senses is I just detailed for you. You're going to find inroads to a rousal that you may not have known ever existed. You're going to know what's accelerating you and what's turning you on and what's putting on the brakes. Okay? So, take some notes, journal about this, and experiment with your senses.

And if you do this just for the next few weeks, you're going to have so much information that's going to not only help you immediately, but going to help you throughout your lifetime. Don't go anywhere after the break. I'll be answering an email from Jillian about how to ask her partner for a more foreplay during sex. This is from Sarah 23 in Australia. Hey doctor Emily, your podcast has helped me in more ways that I can ever imagine, but mainly with self-love and acceptance. I don't 22, I had my first orgasm solo, and only a few months after that, I was able to on occasion orgasm with my partner.

Now at 23, I feel I've hit a rock, and can't orgasm as much, and I feel like something is missing. My partner takes pride in pleasuring me, and I can't help but feel bad that he goes through a lot of effort, well nothing happens. I hope you would answer or advise it how I can get to absolutely mind blowing sex. All right Sarah. Well let me say this. I love that you had your first solo orgasm and congratulations on that. And that's an inspiration. I help for many of you who haven't yet had an orgasm on your own. I believe it's important, even if you have a partner,

to figure out how you orgasm by yourself. You understand your body. You know how to explain to a partner. That's awesome. So my question is, are you first still able to orgasm on your own Sarah? I know you're not able to with a partner right now, but are you on your own? Well, could be awesome for the both of you is mutual masturbation because whenever we get

stuck or we're like, I don't really know how to explain what I need and what feels good, when we do some mutual masturbation, which is too far, it's like a sexy show and tell. So your partner is looking at you and you're looking at them. Oh, I didn't know that your hand over your penis turns you on or your hand inside of your vagina is what really gets you going. The cool thing about mutual masturbation is, it's like a two-fer, okay? Here's this.

It's sexy to watch your partner touch themselves and exessee to see what turns them on. So you both get to watch each other. It's also like a show in talent, it's educational. So you'll actually learn what feels good to your partner and your partner's gonna learn what feels good to you by watching you hill then know how you touch yourself. Like do you do you light circles on your vulva?

Do you put a finger inside of you? Do you use a toy? And then he's gonna understand your process for a razzle and you'll understand his process. The thing is you have to remember, not only are our partners not mind readers, but they're not body readers. The fun part here is that you get to explore together.

What does make you feel turned on? Can you remember what was happening the times you were the most turned on? You know, we think about the senses, was there a certain candle scent that smelled really good to you. Was there a playlist in the background? Were you looking at something? Were you in another environment? You know, this is why a lot of us love getting outside our bedrooms and just having like hotel sacks, our sex and the living room. Sometimes we're so tired of like looking at the same ceiling and like,

our dirty laundry in the corner that we just wanna like mix it up and get outside our regular environment. There's a lot of things to think about about what might be your turn on. If your mind is wandering during sex or you're wondering why it's not happening yet, you could think about your five senses to ground you as well.

Think about like, what are you seeing in the moment? What are you hearing? What are you tasting? What are you smelling? Well, we ever tried to think of our five senses at once. It immediately ground us in the current moment. So our mind can't be wandering and worrying about why we're not orgasming.

If you do it a few times to the partner, you'll realize that it takes practice and eventually you'll just be more grounded in the moment. I wouldn't worry that it's gone forever. You can also check out my previous podcast, Where Did My Orgasm Go. You might have some answers there as well. Thanks for your emails there, I appreciate it.

This is from Jillian29 in London. Hi Dr. Emily, I'm a long time listener and I love your show. I'm seeing someone new and we've been taking it slow. Throughout our time, dating has been very affectionate and generous. He likes to hold my hand, compliment me, cuddling, et cetera. He was also very understanding that I wanted to take things slow before we had sex. Unfortunately, first time we had sex,

it wasn't great. There was no foreplay, no hand jobs, or even central touching. He went straight for pee in V-sacks, or penis in vagina sacks, as we call it. As his usual intimacy and affection seemed to disappear, there was no nearer enough time for me to get turned on. He came twice and I wasn't close. He didn't ask if it was good for me or if I came and yet, after sex, he went straight back to being the affectionate intimate guy I've known for the rest of the night. He's 13 years older than me, much more experienced, so I'm confused about what happens here.

Does he really have no idea that women usually take more time and intimacy to get turned on, or did he only care about his pleasure and disregard mine? My question is, how can I bring up the topic and ask to slow things down to increase my pleasure without offending him by saying that our first time was bad? Any advice? Thanks, Jillian. This is an excellent question. Okay, because you're right, what is it?

Doesn't every guy know, especially if he's 13 years older than you, a guy in his early 40s you're asking, should know everything about your body, and he shouldn't know what turns you on. And he should understand that, you know, it takes a little bit longer for some people with vulvas. Or maybe he does know you're asking and he's just disregarding it. He's like, I don't really care what happens to Julian as long as I got mine.

Let's just go to dinner. Here's my sense. And I know this might be shocking to many. Is it unfortunately there are people of all ages who do not have any of this information when it comes to sex and arousal and desire and what turns their partner on, even what turns themselves on. So I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt here and say, you know, he sounds like a lovely guy.

So far, you have a really good connection. You're having a good time together. He's intimate. I'd recommend a conversation outside the bedroom using my three T's guide on the website sexwithfamily.com, such guides, timing, tone, and turf. It just basically explains you how to awkward conversations. But the deal here is, since we're giving him the benefit of the doubt, you just need to have a say to him, I really enjoyed getting to know you. I love the affection. I love the intimacy

that you're showing. I love compliments and I have cuddling. And I'm also want to share with you that during sex, I really need a lot of foreplay. I really love kissing. I love when we slow down and you slowly address me and like let them know that you've been listening to this podcast. Listen, you guys, I know this is awkward and a lot of you do say, I've been doing some research lately. I've learned more about my own arousal, about my own orgasm and you could say, I listen to this podcast, sex with Emily, she's a sex doctor and she's encouraged me and all these little millions of listeners over the years to start getting curious about our own bodies so we can explain to a partner. So do you mind, I know this uncomfortable,

I love all these things about you, but I actually need some more touch. I need to slow it down. I love that you're having your orgasms, but this is what I need for my orgasm and for my pleasure. And then you could ask if he has any questions and see what happens, because I'm gonna guess that he's gonna make,

oh, okay, thanks for telling me because what's the alternative he says well I thought you were having an orgasm or why didn't you or I don't have time for that well then you have some more information you get to decide what you want to do about that but remember these conversations are tricky I understand doesn't always go as smoothly as you want like ideally you say to you, I had no idea. I didn't know that. I thought you were really turned out. Well, let me just slowly address you and kiss your vulva slowly and go down on you and use toys. So I just think that you're probably not going to get that, but you might just get him listening, maybe asking questions. And then the

next time trying to do better and trying to pay more attention to your body. So that's why I think it is and with some time and patience and some curiosity around this and not any blaming or shaming him at all, which you don't sound like you're going to do that, you can allow him to kind of open up to the reality that he still has a lot to learn, like a lot of us, and he'll be willing to do what it takes so soon you'll be having just as much fun and just as much pleasure as he is. This is from Eddie Forty in Texas. Hi Dr. Emily, I've been married for my wife for 10 years. Lately, my wife wants me to talk dirty to her during intercourse. Maybe she just wants to spice things up a bit. How could I talk dirty to her without cussing or using profanity? I don't normally

use bad words or cuss. Thanks Dr. Emily. Alright, I think this is a great question because what do you do here, right? You feel like dirty talk is all about, you know, using a lot of profanity. But it doesn't have to be, okay? So I did a great podcast in 2021 called Talk Dirty to Be with Joanna Angel while we break down the secret sauce to Dirty Talk, telling the story, talking about things that happened in the past, things that you want to happen in the future, things that you want to happen in the moment. And yes, she used a lot of swear words, but you don't have to. Because Dirty Talk doesn't need to rely on swear words at all.

It should definitely feel more comfortable with you and your own vocabulary. So again, when I focus on, it I focus on what's happened in the past and what's happened in the future, for example, I really loved that time that I went down on you and you were moaning and I love hearing the sounds that you make or you had that orgasm or I love watching your body move. I love how your hands feel on my body,

how my hands feel on your body. I can't wait for you to wear that sexy piece of lingerie. I can't wait for our vacation when we'll be having sex on the beach, right? So very descriptive and specific details are gonna be your key to dirty talk without the swear words or anything that makes you feel uncomfortable.

Now, Eddie, you could totally practice this. You could write this out on your own and think about, well, what does Termion? What has happened in the past? What do I want to happen in the future? Or what's happening in the moment that I want to say, like, what do you actually want to say during sex? What are you thinking?

Are you thinking our hot-she looks? Are you looking at the curve of her thighs? Are you looking at her breasts? Are you looking at her beautiful lips? You know, what are you actually thinking about? And then if you write that down and you even practice it, we actually have some tips in that episode

about practicing your dirty talk voice. Listen, we are not born with the ability to talk dirty. It is a whole new skill set as are many things I talk about on the show. And so, practice the shower, practice looking in the mirror. I understand who you are as a dirty talk warrior. Okay Eddie? That's what I want you to do. And for anyone else who wants to practice, you could also check out our blog Ask Emily. How do I get better at dirty talk? That's on our website

sexwithemily.com. Thanks Eddie. I appreciate your question. This is from Katie, 32 in Pennsylvania. Hey Dr. Emily, I love your show and it was recommended to be my friend who is used to help forget some of her fears and hang-ups around sex. I grew up in a conservative area and I'm now married. I've been married for 2.5 years and had sex before marriage and with other partners before I was with my current partner. This all happened despite my strict religious upbringing. I am not religious any longer, but I do feel like I have some old hang ups about sex that

I can't quite seem to get rid of. I was wondering if you could help. One of these things I can't quite seem to let go of when having sex is I'm there and I love it and I want to be a part of it, but I feel like I'm still holding back because I'm nervous how it will look. Hard to explain, but I feel like I'm too inside my head and don't feel comfortable. I wanted to be sexy and cool, but I worry they look stupid and awkward at an experience. My partners had more partners than me and I worry about that too, even though we've been together for six years now, like for example, I was only recently able to open my legs fully when he was doing oral.

I know that's progress, but it's slow. I feel like sex with a random person would be easier than with a beloved partner because you worry more about what they think, and I've also got the old hang-up from my upbringing about how sex is bad for you, and you should enjoy it so much what do you suggest we'd love to hear your input? Thank you so much for your question. You so articulately laid it all out here, and this is a lot.

So first, I wanna say deep breaths. You're putting a lot, a lot of pressure on yourself, and I feel like first, the fact that you even are working on this, and you even recognize your progress is amazing. The fact that you've decided that you want to take your sex life and your pleasure into your own hands and to let go of early messaging by religion or childhood is just really super healthy. So go easy on yourself. You have to remember your 32 years

old and so probably for half your life perhaps you were told something else and then you decided you're going to be a different way, but we don't just snap our fingers and get rid of earlier conditioning. So know that you're on the right path and what's going to really help you because it sounds to me like an underlying thread through all of this is a little bit of like feeling an experience because you're upbringing, feeling a little bit of um sex is bad and you should enjoy it. And I think we should start there because if you are still and even if it's just a little tiny, tiny voice in your head but you're still thinking it's

I shouldn't be enjoying this. I shouldn't be having pleasure let's address that first. So the thing I want you to do is start to practice affirmations by writing in your journal your negative belief okay so first write down I should not enjoy sex. I am not worthy of pleasure. Sex is bad, I shouldn't enjoy it. Write two columns, your negative belief, and then I want you to flip it to, sex is an important part of being healthy overall.

I am a sexual being who is deserving of pleasure. Sex is acceptable, enjoyable, reverse every negative statement, and then I want you to cross out that left hand column. And I want you to read those affirmations. You can do it every day. You can read it to your partner. Gosh, I would love if Marvis brought our partners into this equation and into the challenges we're having in our sex life. It's so much heavy lifting for one person to feel like they have to just fix everything and fix yourself and show up as this cool crazy sexy girl.

Like, that's not reality, right? But what if your partner knew that you were having these thoughts? Well, I'm thinking that a loving partner of six years would want to also help you get over the limiting beliefs. And so you don't have to do this alone. But you can start off, you're going to walk before you run here, totally cool for you just to read those affirmations to yourself. Okay. Then I want you to remember that a lot of these thoughts too, you creating in your

head about your partner's judging you or they're thinking you're not as experienced or they're thinking he's wishing that you were more like old partners and that there's some way that we show up to sex when we've done it all and we're just experienced, we check it out. The list is not true. We are constantly learning how to be great lovers to each other, great lovers to ourselves. And in fact, it changes in each relationship. So I think that you are right where you need to be with your current partner. Every time with a new partner, we get to create our own sexual reality.

It won't feel as good to both of us. So I also highly recommend some deep communication with your partner about your sex life. I haven't heard of you guys have talked about it now, but it sounds like maybe a lot of this is in your head. And so I would say some times when you're outside the bedroom and just say, I realize we haven't talked about our sex life as much.

And I would love start talking about what you turned you on, what turns me on, I want you to know I'm still learning, did you notice that like I love oral sex now I'm able to open my legs more, like you know you could bring him into this because if he knew that that was a good progress for you well he'd be so happy and he would be supportive, right? Also, growling yourself in your senses when you find yourself in the moment, getting lost in these thoughts and worrying that you're not doing enough or you're not feeling enough, this is another great way the senses helps us sexually,

is to think about in the moment, you know, this is a practice to know that your mind's wandering because sometimes our mind just goes off and goes off the next thing we know, we're in this deep shame spiral and minutes have gone by or 10 minutes of 50, we're having a second part of it, we're like, I have not been present at all because I'm worrying that I look silly or I don't have enough experience.

So if you could practice, when that happens, when you're thinking too much, say, what am I feeling right now? And then I want you to drop into your body and just like work your way behind your face and go, okay, start with your eyes. What am I seeing? I'm seeing my partner's hands in my body. What am I smelling? I'm smelling my partner's skin.

I love the way they smell. What am I hearing? I'm hearing that playlist. I'm hearing my partner's breath. I'm hearing, you know, so why this is such a great thing? It doesn't have to take that long. It's just a few seconds. You can immediately start again with your senses engaged, which is telling us information,

which is reporting information back to our brain about what we are experiencing. So if you're experiencing a rousal or turn on or things that you're attracted to, that's going to feed into itself and it's going to take you out of your head and more into your body. Also, when you mention that it might be easier to hook up with a random stranger, I would and take you out of your head and more into your body. Also, when you mention that it might be easier to hook up with a random stranger, I would think more about that because it sounds like, and you even said this, that there's so much more intimacy and fear talking to our partners about what's going on with us that we think,

oh, well, a random stranger, you could let go. But I want your goal to be, to completely be able to let go with your partner. And so it sounds like there's something about vulnerability here, and really sharing your real insecurities and worries with your partner is a scary thing. And it is. It is a practice.

But once you learn to let go of those vulnerabilities, and share them with a partner, it doesn't have to be all at once. I'm not saying you're gonna talk to him and say, okay, let me say all the things I'm worried about. My religious upbringing, my body. I don not saying you're going to talk to him and say, okay, let me say all the things I'm worried about. My religious upbringing, my body. No, but maybe start with one thing and say, you know, sometimes I tend to compare myself

with partners in the past. I know that silly. So I thought if we talked about our sex life, I could find out your top three turn-ons or top three most memorable times of it sex. And I'm going to tell you the top three memorable times we've had sex. And then you can start to gather information back and forth about your sex life and what's worked for both of you, you know. So, you know, again, because this whole sexual experience thing, it's not about body count, it's not about how many we slept with.

It's really about what makes you a great lover is about confidence in knowing your own body, what turns you on and being able to communicate that to your partner. So finally, taking time to understand your body and what feels good to you and your biggest turn-ons are going to be a huge key to unlocking a lot of what is holding you back. Alright, thanks for your question. I really appreciate it, Katie. You got this. That's it for today's episode.

See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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