Sex With Emily - Sex + Creativity w/ Liz Goldwyn

Episode Date: October 21, 2022

We’re all looking for better ways to have sex. But what if I told you the thing holding you back is your own beliefs around sex and sexuality? My guest today knows a thing or two about how to realiz...e our own sexual well-being.Author, filmmaker, and founder of The Sex Ed, Liz is a sexual wellness connoisseur. In her new book Sex, Health & Consciousness, Liz explains how to build a sexual consciousness for a radically happier, healthier life. She’ll help me answer your questions on masturbation, shame, BDSM, and how to rewire the way we think about pleasure. Show Notes:7 New Ways to Use a Magic WandPre-Order Liz’s Book: Sex, Health, and ConsciousnessMore Liz Goldwyn: Website | Instagram | Twitter Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:00 And I think just again the way that we talk culturally about mindfulness or exercise or meditation or discipline around any other area of our life, let's take those principles and apply them to our sex life because all of it will benefit our sex life which again is our creative energy, is our life force, just leads to a healthier, happier overall you. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.
Starting point is 00:00:37 We're all looking for better ways to have sex, but what if I told you the thing holding you back is your own beliefs around sex and sexuality. My guest today knows a thing or two about how to realize our own sexual well-being. Author filmmaker and founder of the sex ed lives as a sexual wellness connoisseur. In her new book Sex, Health and Consciousness, Liz explains how to build a sexual consciousness for a radically happier, healthier life. She'll help me answer your questions on masturbation, shame, BDSM, and how to rewire the way we think about pleasure. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in sending an intention
Starting point is 00:01:15 for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. When you're listening, think about what you want to get out of this episode. My intention is to help you rethink your sex life through daily practices that will open you up to a healthier relationship with pleasure. Please rate and review Sex with the Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, Seven Ways to Use the Magic Wand is up at sexwithemily.com forward slash magic wand. That's M-A-G-I-C-W-A-N-D. And speaking of magic wand, you don't know about magic wand. It is the original one style massage, it was released in 1968. So it remains one of the most in demand pleasure products in any category.
Starting point is 00:01:54 It's truly a cultural icon. Time magazine named it one of the most influential gadgets of the century. Cosmo called it the little black dress of vibrators and I have a public service announcement for you. They just came out with a magic wand mini. It is smaller, but it is mighty. It's just a shorter, narrower version of the magic wand rechargeable, and it's basically identical. Very powerful. I just want you to know about it, because I'm a fan, and I love the magic wand.
Starting point is 00:02:21 So if you want to check it out again, check out this article, Get Inspired, sexathomely.com the magic wand. So if you wanna check it out again, check out this article, get inspired, sexathemely.com slash magic wand. Also check out my YouTube channel, social media and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, do it. Leave me your questions or message me at sexathemely.com slash ask Emily,
Starting point is 00:02:38 or call my hotline, 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Just include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And it's told to cool, change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Art of Want enjoyed this episode. Liz Goldwyn is a writer, artist, filmmaker, and founder of The Sex Add, an online platform and podcast created as a resource on Sex, Health, and Consciousness. Her fascination with sex spans back to her first job where can get a plant peronhood at
Starting point is 00:03:16 age 13. Since then, she's dedicated her life to exploring the depths of human sexuality. Her new book Sex, Health and Consciousness explains how to build a sexual consciousness for radically happier, healthier life through daily practices designed to help you embrace sex as a holistic part of the human experience. You can find more information on Liz and her work at thesexed.com. Liz Goldway, congratulations on your new book Sex, Health and Consciousness. Thank you. And I think it's such an important book. Thank you for being open and vulnerable at your own experiences.
Starting point is 00:03:49 Because I think so much about sexuality is like we talk about sex. If you want to check it off the list and I learned this tip or I did that thing, but you really talk about your own journey from like an inner felt place. Because it's not just about talking about sex. We have to feel sex, a body sex.
Starting point is 00:04:03 We have to be more vulnerable around it. So it's a great example of that in your book. Thank you. I feel like people have a very one-dimensional idea of what sex is. In the book, I liken it to drawing with like a 12-crayola box. We're not even at the 64-crayola box
Starting point is 00:04:19 or the 120-crayola box. So people think of sex as something that has to do only with penetration or between two people. But as you and I were talking about sex is an energy. It's a life force. It's your creative energy. It's so much more than just the act of an orgasm with another person or even with yourself. So I think we got to get clear on that first. How do we explain that though? If someone says, do what do you mean sex is energy?
Starting point is 00:04:47 I know that sounds very hippy to be acid-tripy, right? It does, I don't know. It's so true, but the thing is I say that all the time too, I'm just, I always was one of your mother-of-the-people, so I'm not necessarily displaying that. Yeah, it's not like a necessarily a new age concept, right? This is a very, very old concept, like thousands and thousands of years old.
Starting point is 00:05:05 And I'm sure a lot of people ask you, how do I do tantra? Or like, give me quick tantra tips. And that's the thing in our society, we want everything now, now, now instant gratification. So saying sex is like an energy or tantra, for example, isn't something you learn overnight. But, um, okay, sex is an energy. Let me break it down in simple terms. I'm sitting next to you and I find you attractive. There's an energy between us, right? What does that energy feel like to me? Can I, can I feel into that energy? Is it, is it an energy
Starting point is 00:05:35 that I just want to enjoy that it exists? Is it an energy I need to act upon? What, what about if we're in a work situation? what about if you have that energy towards a colleague, is that an energy that can be channels maybe into a work project or into a creative project or does that need to be consummated in penetration? So you can have energies, for example, lots of different people, even if you're in a monogamous relationship, that exists, right? These energies that you have, but you can also have that sex energy with yourself. You can have it. I think I talk in the book about, you know, sitting on the edge of a cliff with my leg spread to the ocean.
Starting point is 00:06:13 So you can have an eroticism in nature. I do definitely. You know, sometimes when I'm surfing and it's like pouring rain and the conditions are crazy, I just feel, fuck, I feel so fucking alive. And to me, in my body, yeah, like you just, I felt that. I just felt that. It feels like, it feels like a sexual energy or you could be doing like a really intense workout and the endorphins are flowing after. And that could also be a sexual energy. Yeah, it's that deeper feeling, knowing, and being in touch with ourselves. And we were saying that I felt it.
Starting point is 00:06:49 Like, I was on a wave with you and I was on the other clip with you, but I think, and maybe listening, people are like, I understand that, but there's so much that gets in the way. Like, you didn't just wake up and feel the energy. You talk about this in your book, Sex, Health and Consciousness, about like the journey it takes to takes to understand ourselves as sexually and get rid of all the stigmas and stereotypes. 100 percent, but from a very early age, I did see other people's sexual energy.
Starting point is 00:07:14 Like, I saw how much sex seemed to drive the adults around me, and not in a positive way, generally. Even in my own family, I saw how much my father, for example, was very much rolled by sex. And my mom had a lot of trauma around sex. So from very early on, age before I could really understand intellectually or emotionally what was going on, it was almost like a color that I could see, like it was like a gray color.
Starting point is 00:07:41 And I could see that even now. I know that that also sounds pretty hippie out there. But I could see that even now. I know that that also sounds pretty hippie out there, but I could see that with a lot of people. That sex energy is ruling them instead of getting to the bottom of it. So from a young age, I knew that like sex was this mysterious energy that seemed to have a lot of power over people.
Starting point is 00:07:57 And even when I got older and started having sex, I wasn't conscious of how to use that myself. You know, it was sort of looking at other people and thinking, oh, they must have it figured out. They must have this sex thing figured out. And my first book in film, Pretty Things, was just about the last generation of American burlesqueens. I was married. I got married very young. I met my ex-Hasmoneau's 18. So I spent my 20s with these women who were like 80 and the last generation of American-Belast queens wanting to embody a little bit of the sexual energy that I felt they had
Starting point is 00:08:34 that I didn't feel myself as a young married woman. So it was definitely like a lot of time in my professional career in this space was like thinking that other people seem to have a mastery of their sex energy and wanting that It took me a long time to get around to the spiritual side of it and the consciousness side of it Even though like when I look back I could say as a young kid I was aware of that I just didn't have the language for it yet. What an interesting route you've taken because Look at like burlesque dancers is the ultimate portrayal of sex that like back in the day what we'd see women being in their power, but really, it's so much more about us finding that in ourselves. Like we all have that, right? We can all.
Starting point is 00:09:16 We all have that. We all have that. That's the thing. And a lot of these women that I felt were so in their power in their personal lives, a lot of them didn't feel that. And society didn't look at them like they had power. And in fact, for many years, they were ostracized by polite society and they couldn't get jobs when burlask moved to television and movies. It was the male comics because they were seen as horse in the day, really, to put it plainly.
Starting point is 00:09:45 This is obviously in the 1930s and 40s, it wasn't until the late 90s and early 2000s when you had the suicide girls and a neo-Berlask scene and post-modern feminists come around and reclaim that. I think for the first big chunk of my career, I was researching Berlque and then sex work. So the darker sides of the energy of sex.
Starting point is 00:10:08 And I think this book for me is like the light because I think you have to have both. I think so much of the way that we operate and the way we talk about sex, unfortunately, and our culture is trauma-based. It's not pleasure-centered and is fear-based too. Like if you look at what's even going on politically, like, not only in our country, but around the world.
Starting point is 00:10:30 So, it is focused on the darkness, but yet we don't want to talk about it. But we need to talk about it to get us to this place where we can all sort of, I guess, it is a reclaiming and understanding our own energy, because we all have it, which is a good thing, right? Like, not everyone, I think what people can take from this, like, you have your energy right there with you now as you're listening to this. And then it's just a way of like,
Starting point is 00:10:49 understanding it, recosing it, making it take a deep breath. And feeling it, I love that you have some screen break exercises for people that's kind of like tap into it. What would be you love people to kind of take from this? Like what would be a first step? So let's do it together.
Starting point is 00:11:02 Okay. I was hoping we'd do an exercise. Let's do it together. I think a good first step that I think I talk about in the introduction in the book is breathing into your genitals. So what does that mean? Let's just take a deep breath now. So I think most of us don't really think about what our genitals are up to. Except if we're going to the gynecologist or getting a prostate exam or having sex. But it's like a part of our body that's, again, tends to rule most of our decision-making. But right now, how many of you listening or aware of how your genitals are feeling right at this moment? Are they sticky?
Starting point is 00:11:48 Are they itchy? Are they numb? Are they wet? Are they dry? So the simple act of just taking a few deep breaths and literally breathing that breath all, taking the breath all the way in and then slowly exhaling it through your body, letting it travel from your throat, through your chest, through your belly, into your genitals, and then sitting with that
Starting point is 00:12:10 and noticing, just simply noticing how they feel. I think is the very first step. It's a good step. It's true because we're so many, what I love about this is that a lot of us are completely disconnected and then we expect that we go to have sex with someone. That's the only time we pay attention. And we're like, why are you performing? Why aren't you connected to you? Why would I feel anything? Or why aren't I wet?
Starting point is 00:12:32 Or why aren't I hard at all the things? But if you think about it, if you are literally not connected, every other moment of your life to it, you think you're just gonna like turn on, you know? It's like you need, but walking through life and being more, even if it's just a few breaths a day. And a lot of people don't connect the breathwork and that mindfulness practice to sex. But for example, in my book, I have a chapter of bondage boundaries and healing.
Starting point is 00:12:54 And I talk about some of my bondage experiences. And one of the things that I really learned is that you have to almost take what you know from like yoga into bondage, being fully present in your body, breathing, remembering to breathe because I think a lot of times with sex too, you can really get in your head, wrote, play, can quickly force you to be in your body, but the first time that I was professionally bound by a woman, actually, which I write about in the book, the amazing batteny Vernon. She kept telling me, remember your yoga. And you know, until I had that experience myself, I would have never understood what she was
Starting point is 00:13:34 talking about. But I think just the act of being in a rope bound course that was so tight and kind of being my head nervous and like, whoa, I'm so insecure. Everyone here has so much more experience than I do. Just that simple act of like, okay, breathe. You're in the present moment. You're right here, right now. It's such a good practice to remember to breathe.
Starting point is 00:13:55 It really is. And to learn just that most of us are shallow breathers too. So you think you're breathing. And it's like true. People say, well, I always breathe. If you don't breathe, we die. That is true. But it's a breathe correctly. And instead, deep breath where you're going, you know, you're breathing. It's like true. People say, well, I always breathe. If you don't breathe, we die. That is true. But it's a breathe correctly. And instead deep breath where you're going,
Starting point is 00:14:07 you know, you're going like, yeah, you're counting. Even sometimes it helps to go a little bit deeper into feeling your private floor and your your exhales a little bit longer. Right. And that just that's helps to detox facilitate orgasm, facilitate the energy that we're talking about. Absolutely. I mean, definitely breathwork has helped me have better orgasms and deeper, deeper orgasms. So where would you, what kind of breath, is there a particular breath? And then I'm going to get into, because we have people who are asking questions that I think that a lot of your, I would love to apply a lot of your modalities to kind of help people with some of these questions that we're going to get into. But was there a particular breathwork,
Starting point is 00:14:42 so many different kinds, at least if you're into breath work, like we both are, there's so many different kinds. Hold the tropic and there's, what are they? There's a lot of them. I can't think of that. You probably know all the names of them, but I practice a lot of them. How would you, like, is there one that's superior to another one or?
Starting point is 00:14:56 I don't think anything's superior to anything else. I think whatever works for you, like I practice a lot of different types of breath work. Right now I've been doing some breath work. This guy David Elliott does it. It's healing breath work practices and it's great because it's like there's a seven minute one, a 13 minute one, a 21 minute one. And those are like pranayama breathing.
Starting point is 00:15:16 So it's too quick in breaths and then exhale like, but repeated. So you pretty much get high from it. It takes you totally out of your head, brings you completely into your body. So that's a good one. But sometimes when I'm having a panic attack or really anxious, a really simple one is 5, 7, 8 breathing, which is take a breath in for five counts, literally 1, 2, 3, 4, five, hold it for seven counts and then breathe out, taking eight counts. So I don't think anyone practices better than the other. It's just, there's so many different kinds of Wim Hof.
Starting point is 00:15:55 Wim, yeah, we have the same publisher. A lot of professional athletes are big Wim Hof fans too. If you're an adrenaline junkie or if you're faced with extreme sports or life or death situations, when we panic, we don't breathe. And we panic a lot of times during sex. I often say to people that we have this trauma, I feel like when someone brings up conversation around sex, someone says to your partner, says, like, oh, let's talk about sex. So it doesn't even go into fight or flight. Like, we go into panic mode when anything about for so many of us, when sex comes up,
Starting point is 00:16:25 not only the act of doing it, but the act of talking about it. I love just talking about breath, the next year, we're doing around breath because it helps me to calm down no matter what situation. I hope this will help people too. I have an app called the breathing app.
Starting point is 00:16:35 So I'm writing this app, it's a free app, it's just like breathing. I'll just put it out of the car when I'm feeling panic. So that's good. Yeah, and also when you are feeling panicked even in a conversation, it's okay to stop and do that and just be like, you can even put your hand on your heart. I think it's good to notice where you're feeling things in your body. That's been coming up for me a lot
Starting point is 00:16:57 actually is like, I'm having I'll have these moments where I feel very emotional and I literally will put my hand on my heart and be like, okay, it's okay if I collect my breath before I respond to this person, like the world is not going to end, you know, but again, it's this instant gratification, this go-go-go mentality that we have where we feel like we've got to do everything right now, but we don't. We don't. It's the practice, the power of pausing. I work on that a lot too. I jump over things, I miss things, and pausing. Even right now, God, I want to take a breath. It's so such a good practice.
Starting point is 00:17:31 But especially with that's the thing, also with sex, what's interesting and what I really learned from spending time in kink-friendly communities is that pause before where the boundaries are set. So when people are working in spaces where there's a lot of fetish or kink and they're setting up scenes or play, right, that are not just like, let's take our clothes off and fuck, right? They're like, they might
Starting point is 00:17:56 involved, you know, toys or they might involve role player, they might involve more preparation for sex. There's a bit of a pause between that energetic feeling that we're having for each other and whatever it is we're going to do together. And during that pause there's space to either discuss what's going to take shape, like, you know, we both have busy lives, we have children, dogs, whatever, you know, so we've got to create the space for us to play. It's not just like we're getting wasted in fucking. And during that pause, it's like a, it's not, it's, I mean, I guess you could say it's delayed gratification, but it actually builds the energy and the anticipation.
Starting point is 00:18:37 I don't know if you've ever had to ask the partner to get tested, for example, a lot of times that can even build. It's like edging, edging emotionally, at the anticipation. And we forget because we are so oriented around a quick fix that we want to get right to the orgasm. And so what I love is that you talk about this too, your book, it's like, so not about that. There's so many other ways that I love that you can fill in those spaces for people like who I'm not going to, because when I say it's not about the orgasm, you're like, yeah,
Starting point is 00:19:04 whatever. Like, is that really true? What do you mean? I'm like, no, but there there, because when I say it's not about the orgasm, you're like, yeah, whatever. Like, is that really true? Like, what do you mean? I'm like, no, but there's so many, it's just juicy experiences to have everywhere. Yeah, and even with love or relationships, the pause, because if, I mean, with dating apps, for example, like, which will disappoint a lot of people,
Starting point is 00:19:20 it is about that quick, like, you get a dopamine hit from that sort of, like like text exchange with someone, but what if it's just unsubstantial? Like it's kind of like eating something like this not really filling, and then you have this beautiful like four-course meal that you could have that's gonna take a little longer to prepare, but you're like, fuck, I'm just gonna eat this bag of Cheetos right now, doesn't it? You know?
Starting point is 00:19:43 It's okay, I gotta do it. After the break, I'll be answering your You're so great, gotta do it. After the break, I'll be answering your questions with my guest Liz Goldwyn. Don't go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere.
Starting point is 00:19:55 I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I'm gonna go anywhere. I would love you to help me answer some questions from our audience.
Starting point is 00:20:08 I would love to answer questions. Okay, Mark and Bar listeners that we love so much, let's start with Bella. 25 in New York. Hi, I'm Liz. This is Bella from New York. I'm a 25 year old female. So I think probably in my whole life, I've only had an orgasm about three times from a partner, but I can do it very easily myself.
Starting point is 00:20:34 And like the way I do it is on my stomach and like touching myself down there, so there's like a lot of pressure, but like I think I get fearful of showing my partner or whoever I'm with. I get through for old like showing them that's how I do it. So I was wondering how I can overcome this fear or if there's like a certain position you'd recommend that could cause me to have an orgasm during sex.
Starting point is 00:21:06 I thank you, bye bye. All right, Bella. Let's have Bella this whole notion that she's not doing it right and how does she communicate it with a partner. Why can't I orgasm with a partner? There's a lot of here to unpack. How could we help Bella? Well, first of all, I would say Bella, you're totally normal and so many other people on the planet
Starting point is 00:21:27 are having that same insecurity and fear and embarrassment right now. I think that's the number one thing that I talk about in my book. Deconstructing? Yeah, this whole idea of what is normal and where do we get this idea that there's someone on the planet that is having award-winning sex every second. Even the top porn stars will tell you that they do not. Yeah. So I think it's amazing first of all that you're comfortable with having sex on your own and that you can pleasure yourself. So yeah, a lot of people don't feel comfortable masturbating.
Starting point is 00:22:06 I really think it's amazing when you can show someone that you're in a sexual relationship with, how you like to masturbate. I think that's a really great way. It's hot too. It's one of my favorite things. Yeah, mutual masturbation, like showing this is what I like. Do you want to see what I do? I want to see what you do.
Starting point is 00:22:23 But as I've mentioned in my book, I've had a long-term boyfriend who wouldn't masturbate in front of me. And he would get really freaked out if I wanted to masturbate. This is common too. Yeah, that's where I think the work is. Is like, we have to be able to talk about sex. We can't actually improve our sex, which we can improve, just like we can improve us any other skill, if we don't get over that initial embarrassment or fear. So I would say that I would hope I would like to manifest for you, a partner who you feel comfortable enough showing how you like to get off.
Starting point is 00:23:02 And in that dialogue, I think might just break the ice for you even, and there could end up being other positions that turn you on if you yourself just feel a little more comfortable with the partner, because that's probably where the issue is. Not that you can't get off, just that there's something psychologically blocking you from feeling really safe. That's such a wonderful point. That a lot of our sex that we are thinking isn't satisfying or we're not getting where we want to go is if it's partnered sex, we're not with someone where we feel safe and we feel like we can be ourselves.
Starting point is 00:23:35 If you feel like you're being judged and someone's watching you and you got to hold back, there's no way that's going to be a satisfying, fulfilling experience. Sex doesn't work like that. It's almost like the ingredients of sex is being with someone where you trust and you feel open. But sometimes we're our own worst critic. Yes. And we're totally judging ourselves. You know, I have an exercise in the book where I talk about how, you know, even though it might be cringey to stand in front of the mirror naked and really love up on yourself, like all the parts of yourself that normally you're denigrating, because it is. I mean, we are really terrible to ourselves. And we wouldn't
Starting point is 00:24:12 be that bad to like our best friend or a child, but somehow when it comes to us and we look at in the mirror, we just spend a lot of time focusing on what's wrong or in our performance, too. Sex is in a performance, either. That's a thing. Like taking it away from like, it's being this present. So with Bella, I would say first off, so common you can't orgasm with a partner. And then she's worried about her stomach
Starting point is 00:24:34 and doing an stomach, which I hear all the time. That's a very common way to orgasm. So like there's nothing wrong there. But when she says I get fearful of showing my partner whoever I'm with and we're saying, like that's the partner you wanna be with. What about bridging. And we're saying, like, that's the part that you want to be with. What about bridging that gap of like saying, like, what does she do next time? Like, I feel like it's like, you said, like, finding a part
Starting point is 00:24:51 and we're like, okay, before we even get sexual, like, I have a growth mindset around sex. And it's really important to me and my future relationships that I'm with someone that we talk about sex and even saying, this is uncomfortable for me, too. I've actually never done this before either. But are you willing to go on this like, journey with me to figure out how we could be great lovers to each other? Because I feel like right then in there,
Starting point is 00:25:11 you know, that's a hard thing to say. It's gonna save you so much time from being with the wrong people where you're feeling like you have to perform and you can't actually masturbate in front of them or orgasm or learn or grow. Yeah, little vulnerability goes a long way. Yes.
Starting point is 00:25:24 But it's just that first step is so hard for so many of us to admit to that we're not perfect. Yeah, so she's, you're totally fine. Probably a lot of the criticism in our minds are that we are worried. Even you with the burlesque dancers, like you're going to get to the point where you're a sexy as they're where you move like they're where they have the answer. I think that never ends. I always think someone else has the answer to. I walk around thinking that.
Starting point is 00:25:44 Yeah, I mean, my entire book was written because I felt like there was some guide book that got handed out to everyone when they were like 11 and I missed it. I say this in the book that I spent years looking at other people wishing that I could be as self-assured and confident and embodied as they were.
Starting point is 00:26:01 Whereas I think some people may look at me and feel that I'm that way. But the way I look at myself, I'm like, oh my God, I'm just like a vulnerable, raw exposed nerve and full of insecurities. And on a daily basis, I go from low self-worth and low self-esteem to feeling myself. It's a constant struggle and process.
Starting point is 00:26:22 But Nina Hartley, who's got the longest running career of any woman in porn, she told me that she was jealous of my ability to have multiple orgasms. And this is a woman who's like, you know, one of the most sexually adventurous people I know, and comparatively, I'm super vanilla. So, you know, we're all measuring ourselves against this like gold standard for normal. But what is normal outside of a few hard-nosed is what's right for you. And we have to kind of go back and really look at those ways in which we first came up with an idea of what this normal was that we're comparing ourselves against. That's the deconstructing. What would you say is the first step for the recommend for
Starting point is 00:27:02 people to deconstruct? Because now they're going, oh, that's not normal. Well, you know, the going back to old conditioning and message is challenging it. Is there, you have an exercise in the book? I have an exercise in the book. Yeah, I've got an exercise in the book where you take a moment, take a little time with a piece of paper or a journal,
Starting point is 00:27:18 and you think about when the first time you heard, what was normal? Whether that be for your body type or penis size or vagina or brass or orgasms or sexuality, gender, even or what a relationship was and take some time and free write that. What were those ideas of normal? And then in my book, I go into great detail
Starting point is 00:27:41 that this system of normal that we're comparing ourselves against is actually completely broken and based on really outdated constructs. So the exercise includes burning this list of what you think normal was. When I was a kid, I was given these books, what's happening to me and where did I come from? And they had these drawings in it. And Nick Kroll, who developed the show Big Mouth on Netflix, who I did a podcast with, he had those books too.
Starting point is 00:28:09 And those books were actually a big inspiration for Big Mouth. So anyways, these books had these stick figures of like, you know, how your boobs were so developed and how your penis was supposed to develop. So I remember being a kid looking at those and being like, my boobs aren't, don't look like that. I remember that too.
Starting point is 00:28:27 And my vagina doesn't look like that. So like, oh, fuck, I'm not normal. It's all you've seen. Literally, there wasn't even any rules to go. It was like, you can look in your house and those are not my boobs. And now we have Instagram, right? Or streaming porn.
Starting point is 00:28:38 So you look at that and you're like, oh, this other person that everyone is fantasizing about, like, my body should look like theirs. That's what normal is. That's just not correct. It's really hard to remember that, especially in our age of social media. It's so hard to remember that,
Starting point is 00:28:56 but that's where it starts. That's the work is being like, okay, that person has a beautiful body, bless them, but how do I love myself? How I set that baseline for myself? Because we're not gonna be having good sex or even having good relationships if we're not coming up from a place of like really like.
Starting point is 00:29:16 Feel it, like really, in it and loving it and feeling it. And like, that's it. That is the thing when you are truly embodied. When you're truly with a partner where you're not thinking about how it looks, how you feel and how any of that's when you, it's a letting go, right? When you're just, it's a letting go.
Starting point is 00:29:32 Let's take another call here. Let's talk to Greg. He's 50 in Arizona. Hi, Dr. Emily. My name is Greg. I am from Prescott, Arizona. And I have a question for you. I am going to be 50 years old this year, and I've had something happen to me in my only
Starting point is 00:29:53 second relationship in my entire life. I've only been with two women. My first marriage was really bad. The second one has been great, but something interesting has happened the last couple of times when we were together intimately is my wife quickly wipes up, you know, when I ejaculate and I feel like she's grossed out by it. And so it's made me not want to have sex anymore. Like, if she's grossed out, why even do it?
Starting point is 00:30:25 So I'm just wondering, is this common? Like do women get grossed out by many, graduating? I feel like it's not my fault. I'm created this way and it's just what my body does and I wish it didn't. I'm just curious if you can answer this question. Like do women get grossed out when men
Starting point is 00:30:46 each actually? Okay, thank you, Dr. Emily, and love the podcast. Thank you for that question. I know my heart, we both, Liz and I both had a moment where we're like, oh, we feel so bad for Greg that he first off is just feeling some shame and feeling like, you know, his partner doesn't really want to be there and supporting him. And so, you know, my first thing is like, talk to her, it's your wife, you know? Like, I noticed that you made this kind of face, and is that true?
Starting point is 00:31:13 And maybe there was something else on her mind, like, who knows? But I think he's got to get more information from her. And, but I do think that sure, there are probably some women who do get grossed out. Sex is messy and humans are, when I love thinking about how, you know, we'll gladly clean up a baby's shit, right? We don't even put any judgment on it. Like, I mean, that baby could be shitting all over the place. Just poo all over your frickin' hair and your couch
Starting point is 00:31:42 and you're just like, oh, honey, but when we look at grown adults, the things that come out of our bodies, whether they're like a queep or there's, yeah, squirting or it's messy, we're human, that's, you're okay. I hate that you feel shame. I'm really sorry you're experiencing that with your wife and I agree with you.
Starting point is 00:32:05 I think you got to talk about it. And I wonder if she's actually said to you that she feels grossed out, or if maybe that's something that you're sort of coming up on your own in your head. We've got to check our stories. It says we create scenarios that are not even true. Like, oh, I, you know, she's like, oh God,
Starting point is 00:32:23 I didn't even realize I did that or. Or maybe she did. It could also be like, she's has a skin reaction. Oh, seriously, like it could be as simple as, you know, she wants to go pee right away after sex. So she doesn't get a UTI or she has some sort of like, you're eating something different in your diet. That's like that could also be interfering with like her,
Starting point is 00:32:42 her skin contact, that's, that happens a lot. It could be a really simple thing, but it's like in that darkness where we don't talk about things, that's where all the sort of neuroses begins in our head. Exactly, that's exactly. I was just thinking about like, what if there was the equivalent of,
Starting point is 00:32:58 I just pictured this, what if they were out to dinner, right? And they were, they both sat down and like their favorite Italian restaurant and like she took a bite of pasta. And all of a sudden she like, did something that you'd spit it out Well, you wouldn't be like just ignore it. You just be like okay, babe. Can you pass the butter? It maybe she spit out because it didn't taste good
Starting point is 00:33:13 Maybe she was choking. Maybe it had meaning it. She's not a meat eater who knows but like in that moment If someone has a reaction like that you would discuss it But with sex we create this whole like what does it mean? What's going on? It's like that's why I'm just trying to like, normalize in that moment, if I'm with a partner, and they did, they go, maybe said, was that okay for you? Was everything, it looked like you wiped up there?
Starting point is 00:33:31 You were kind of rush, you know, are things good? Like, you just got to like, check it in a compassionate, curious, open way. Yeah, we do that in relationships too. It's not just with sex. We do that in relationships, like psychics, sex or mind reading, or I think that this is where you're coming from, or we assume we're on the same page about something in our relationship, it could even be monogamy, and we're not on the same page.
Starting point is 00:33:53 Or it could be about like, I really don't like that you watch porn, or I don't like that you slide into other people's, yeah, whatever it is, we could, but just not talking about it doesn't make it go away. I would say check this story, talk to about it. And also there are a lot of people who do have reactions to ejaculate, they don't want to, I've heard from a lot of my male listeners with penis-owning listeners who say, like, I'm with a partner and she won't go down
Starting point is 00:34:20 on me or she won't swallow. And what I've heard from those cases is that sometimes there is a case where maybe she did have a bad experience with a previous partner, maybe it wasn't good. Maybe she was, you know, she's got some stories around swallowing or you know, like that just isn't, it could be cultural, it could be conditional. So it could be diet, it really could be diet.
Starting point is 00:34:41 A lot of times. But you eat, it could, it could absolutely change. So there's a lot to find out here, but I'm sure that she's loving you. I mean, she loves could be diet. That changes, but you eat. It could. It could absolutely change. There's a lot to find out here, but I'm sure that she's loving you. I mean, she loves you. She's with you. She's her partner, and she probably does that one. Make you feel shameful and make you feel bad.
Starting point is 00:34:54 So I think you're going to get some information. And I would love to hear from you. Let's know what happens. Let's hear from Rachel, 27 in the Bay Area. Hi, Emily. My name is Rachel. I am 27 years old, and I 27 in the Bay Area. Hi, Emily. My name is Rachel. I am 27 years old and I live in the Bay Area.
Starting point is 00:35:09 I really wanted to talk to you live. I have some questions for you about sex with my boyfriend. We have been together for two years. And he revealed to me pretty early on his interest in like BDSM kind of stuff, even though he's ever called his hat, but just like a lot of the toys and ties and all that kind of stuff. And so I really wanted to ask you live about maybe ways to like have my vanilla sex needs
Starting point is 00:35:38 for the little and his interest for the little because I want to keep things good for both of us. And I need a little more intense question for you and kind of guys because psychology and like understanding like why people have a certain things they do, I really wanted to make sense of one thing Emily, take care. Bye. So Rachel, yeah, what she's a little bit less, I guess her part is in BDSM. She's not as into it, but wants to explore, wants to understand the psychology, Kink. And I know you write about this in your book too about, you know, what we can learn from Kink, the fetish in Kink communities, you know, when you talk about communication, negotiating boundaries and all that. Aftercare.
Starting point is 00:36:18 Aftercare. Love aftercare. From the Rachel and starting out, what does she need to know? She seems that first she's asking a question like what could cause someone to have a fancier desire that might be deemed nonvenilla. So again, that's this idea that there's some normal baseline. So if we each of us has a sexual identity as unique as our fingerprint or a thumbprint. I'm gonna go back to the Creole box. Yeah. Okay, so if I see this couch as a certain type of color green, you're gonna see it as a slightly different color green than I would, we wouldn't even name it the same way.
Starting point is 00:36:55 So it's the same with sex. You know, none of us are gonna experience it in the same way or have exactly the same desires. So what she might, at this point in her life right now at 27, feel like is her interest in sex could actually change in like two years, you know, or might have been different six years ago. So, and where her boyfriend is right now in his interest in sex,
Starting point is 00:37:16 that can also change. So, she, if she can open her mind to the possibility that like, she might actually have a few kinks of her own that she hasn't even discovered yet. It's possible. And then I don't think that there's like some traumatic experience in people's lives that necessarily causes them. Sometimes there is traumatic experiences in our lives that cause us for sure to have look at sex a certain way, but I don't think because someone is more interested in bondage
Starting point is 00:37:43 or kink, it means that there's some deep dark secret in their closet. I think it's just the way we're wired. Yeah, I resent that trope too. Like, oh, they must have been trauma and so that's why this person's into this thing. I mean, sometimes perhaps, but a lot of times like, we just want to feel good.
Starting point is 00:37:59 And here's something new and exciting with sex to have different sensations. And intimacy, connection, right? Like from the kink world too, I mean, I think that there's a lot to learn there, like beyond just the sex, but it's just so misunderstood, I think. I think so too. And I mentioned aftercare and subspace. So aftercare, I think should 100% be instituted and had a
Starting point is 00:38:18 normative vanilla relationships, especially casual hookups. Let's talk about it. So aftercare is literally like caring for your partner after a scene, which is what a play situation would be called in the kink fetish community. And I'm not a member of the kink fetish community, but I really appreciate this. But you dabbled and said aftercare is literally like,
Starting point is 00:38:40 what do you need? Do you, would you like some water? Can I cuddly you? Can I hold you? It has nothing to do with whether we're in a relationship or this is going to continue. We've just exchanged an intimate experience of potentially bodily fluids and it's just like basic etiquette, right? Right, exactly.
Starting point is 00:38:58 And you can talk about it in advance. What do you need for after care? Because I could be someone that feels really smothered by cuddling, for example, but you could really need that. So if we talk about it in advance, I can give you enough of what you need. And then you can also understand that if I need to leave afterwards to regain my calibration, then you're not going to feel hurt by it because you're going to know it has nothing to do with you.
Starting point is 00:39:21 It's just I'm taking care of myself. So if we go into like just a casual hook up, if we have that same thing of aftercare discussed then people don't feel shitty afterwards. If someone needs like a check-in 24 hours later, it doesn't mean I wanna marry you or not your kids. Yeah, I need you exactly. It doesn't mean I wanna change my relationship status and go Instagram official. It just means. That's what makes me feel respected and whole and connected is
Starting point is 00:39:50 a value to phone call. Yeah, it's like a bare minimum thing. And subspace is, as speaking of consciousness, it's this idea of transcendence or an altered conscious state with sex. And you can really, you can reach that state with meditation, with breathwork, with drugs. And you can also really reach that state with sex or with orgasm. So subspace, and especially if you're into like, you know, bondage or kink or fetish can sometimes involve much more intense scenarios that
Starting point is 00:40:22 have like a longer period of altered consciousness. For example, when I was tied up professionally for the first time, which I write about, I talk about ghost ropes. And this was like an experience being bound in a rope course that that took hours. And after I was released from it, I felt the imprint of the ropes on my skin. It was an intense experience, and I I couldn't just go out to dinner. I'm like gossip. Right. I had to go home and calibrate from it.
Starting point is 00:40:51 The idea of subspace is that after you have sex, you are in a bit of an altered state of consciousness, so to have some containers for it like after care. I'm just thinking we're talking about this. I wish there was some kind of, you know, the yes, no, maybe list at our site, which people love, but it's a, you know, tool for couples to kind of talk about what they're into. But I just want like a met, like a menu almost like we're starting to date and like, I'm going to need a phone call, I'm going to need a cuddle and a glass of water right in the bed. Like it would say was so much suffering. Yeah, so much. But I think also like just we can look at that in
Starting point is 00:41:22 friendships too. I think it's really good thing to name your needs. And I could say to you, like, if we're friends, hey, it really means a lot if you show up for me for X or I really appreciate it if I tell you something in confidence that I know you're going to keep it to yourself. It's just being able to name your needs out loud. And I think we do need to be nurturing platonic relationships just as much as we nurture those sexual relationships. And I think a great way to practice these difficult conversations are actually to have them
Starting point is 00:41:55 with someone that you're just friends with and you trust because it kind of helps you break the ice. If you feel like uncomfortable having this conversation with your boyfriend or partner, have it with a friend. First. That's such great advice. And practice. Someone who's lower stakes. And even saying to them, I'm not great with this.
Starting point is 00:42:11 I'm learning boundaries. I want to be an open space to share with you something that I need. And when you didn't call me last week, that didn't feel good to me. And just practice. So the more you do that with people that you love and your friends, it definitely makes it easier.
Starting point is 00:42:24 Because it is a muscle, which is skill set. And it helps us not put all of our expectations on to a romantic partner because we tend to expect them to be like a life coach, a therapist, a best friend, a lover, a parent, all of these things. And it's so impossible for any of us to fulfill that. That's the other thing that we think is normal. That it just isn't, right? Like, it partners all those things. And I think that that's when a lot of the intimacy dies through the romance sides,
Starting point is 00:42:51 or the sexual energy, because it's your person to spit literally or everything. And I think that I've learned that too. I guess as I get older, just like so much more about your friends, and that's what we really want, too, about those people around us. Spread the love. It's like that, we want to support your friends and that's what we really want to. We want those people around us. Spread the love.
Starting point is 00:43:05 Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love.
Starting point is 00:43:13 Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love.
Starting point is 00:43:21 Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. Spread the love. and giving such important information. And there's one thing that I wanna talk about this really quickly, and you guys, everyone check out our book. We will have the link, Sex, Health, and Consciousness, and your podcast, your orgasmic breath meditation, which I just listened to, we said it's the most popular episode.
Starting point is 00:43:34 And I just wanna listen, take that, it's 15 minutes. Don't listen while you're driving. Exactly. You can, but you know, it might be better if you do it when you're seated or laying down before bed, and you can do it on your own. And again, it's just another form of breath work that really quickly orient you like we did at the beginning into your genitals, and then helps you activate your pelvic floor and very simply link your breath with your pelvic floor as a way to bring yourself to orgasm hands free. And that means
Starting point is 00:44:07 hands free like no toys. And this is for all genders. For anybody. I think people that go to the pelvic floor is just like if you have a vulva. No, it's my same muscles. If you're basically able, you can or stopping your pee. Stopping your pee. Stopping your pee. And so those pee stopping muscles. So everyone has those muscles no matter whether you got it. Yeah. Because that's the important thing I want to explain to you that your orgasm, how it happens is breath connected to your pelvic floor and blood flow. Directing more blood flow and breath to your pelvic floor is helpful not just orgasms, but as you age or if you're getting ready to have a child, all of these things are important to have a healthy pelvic floor.
Starting point is 00:44:48 And I think just again, the way that we talk culturally about mindfulness or exercise or meditation or discipline around any other area of our life, let's take those principles and apply them to our sex life because all of it will benefit. Our sex life, which again, is our creative energy, is our life force, just leads to a healthier, happier, overall you. So true, thanks, Liz. Thank you for being here. Where could people find you? They can find the sex health and consciousness
Starting point is 00:45:19 anywhere where you buy books, or you can get an audit just narrated the audiobook, which was really fun. It was my first time doing that. And you can listen to our podcasts, wherever you stream podcasts, it's the sex ed and you can find a set, the sex ed on Instagram or thesexed.com.
Starting point is 00:45:36 That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or
Starting point is 00:46:12 relationship, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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