Sex With Emily - Sex Dreams & SexEd for Teens with Anne Hodder-Shipp

Episode Date: September 11, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by sex educator & dream-worker Anne Hodder-Shipp to talk about sex dreams, and they’re taking your calls & answering your questions. They discuss what sex dreams really mean & if there are any truths behind them, ways to talk to teens about sex education without blaming or shaming, & how to have more connected sex with woman-on-top. Plus, a g-spot & p-spot location tutorial! Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.comFor more information on Anne Hodder-Shipp, click HERE.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The most important thing is you don't want to try to steer your kid off of the subject they're asking about because they're there That's the subject they're on and they are not they are young adults They have a whole lot more stress a whole lot more to deal with now than we even did So we can't treat them like they are less than we have to really treat them like they are just smaller sized Adults and they will respond to that when you are meeting them as sort of an equal instead of, I am your authority figure telling you what to do and where to steer the conversation. And you just get to be really transparent. Like, I don't really know how to respond to that question

because it freaks me out, but I really appreciate that you even asked me. That means that you trusted me. That's a parent. Yeah, that's what you would say, right. And what the most important thing I'm finding is, as long as a kid has some trusted adult to go to it does not have to be their parent Thanks for listening to sex with Emily. This is Dr. Emily on today's show

I'm joined by sex educator and dream worker and Hattership to talk about sex dreams as well as taking your calls topics include So what do our sex dreams really mean? and are they trying to tell us something? Ways to talk to teens about sex ed without shaming or blaming them and with the least amount of awkwardness possible. How to have more connected sex with your partner when you're on top, this is a tip you might not have heard before, and a tutorial on finding your G-Spot or your P-Spot, you know, for whatever body parts you have.

All this and more, thanks for listening. Betrubized, they called them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks.

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god. I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. MUSIC You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships,

and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithendly.com for even more sex information that's gonna help you about our sex. And find me on Series XM stars Monday through Friday. Five to seven PM Pacific on stars channel 109 for more awesome sex talk, get a 30 day trial, for free at sexwithdemily.com slash SXM.

As always, I mean all social media at sex with Emily across the board. All right, guys, enjoy the show. I love Ann Hattershap. I've known her for almost 10 years now. Oh, she's a dear friend. And she's one of my favorite sex educators out there. I've a lot of friends who do this.

But Anne is like the real deal. And for so long, I just admire your work ethic and your brain. And now she went and you guys, she went off and you guys know how passionate I am about sex education. I was like, we all friggin need it. And Anne developed the most awesome thing. It's called go to everyonedeservessexed.com. And just so you know, we're're gonna put it in the show notes

If you go to sex levy.com click on show notes everything we talk about is there so I'm gonna put all of and links and then and how to ship two P's is our awesome website tell me and about what you've created here because I'm so impressed with you and what you're doing Thank you. It's always so lovely to see you. Oh my god Yeah, so everyone deserves sex ed. We call it edc because it sounds funny. It's an educational organization. So number one priority is being an access point if somebody needs help.

So that could be one-on-one, like with coaching or education, or we'll hook you up with a sex therapist if you need to be at that level of care. We also work with parents and teenagers who are like, I don't know how to deal with the birds and bees talk. What do I do if I walk in on my kid who's like jerking it in the bathroom?

How do I even start the conversation about consent? It's stuff that none of us know how to do because we weren't taught when we were young and now we're like adults with kids trying to wing it. It's just, it's terrifying. It's terrifying and like it is terrifying. So parents know that they have to do something but they didn just, it's terrifying. It's terrifying and like, it is terrifying. So parents know that they have to do something, but they didn't have the training either. Right, like, none of us know.

And there's no manual. And so the only reason why I even know is because I had to go get trained to do it. And I spent a lot of time with a lot of 14 year olds teaching them ultimately a six or seven week course that was sanctioned by the state of California like very official and I was able to really just like in the trenches see what kids were asking about, talking about, laughing about, freaked out about and it just I honed a skill for being able to meet kids where they're at. And where are they right now? Because like have you seen euphoria and how the shows were all obsessed with it here? I mean, oh my God, I do not want to have children. So intense.

I mean, I think it'd be hard. Well, I always knew that. But I think it's very hard to be a parent today. It's the hardest time ever. So tell me, what are they asking these 14-year-olds? What would anything that's, like, well, the funny thing is, I think a lot of the kids, they're not actually overtly asking anything

because they don't want to. They're embarrassed and they know that their parents, or they are afraid that their parents are going to like freak out and like ground them or something instead of actually meet them or they're embarrassed, and they know that their parents, or they are afraid that their parents are going to freak out and ground them or something instead of actually meet them where they're at and answer their questions. So, they're looking stuff up online. I think a lot of kids are just curious about what's the normal age to have sex for the first time.

How do I give a blow job that is good, which is so cute. That's so... Tell them that, or you do first, or do they ask me? First, I ask. First, I ask. Yeah, I ask mostly, it's sort of like, well, why do you want to know that? Why is it a number one question for you? I have no problem talking about it, but also because you are a minor, there are levels

of ethics that I have to follow with responding to these questions. But I think what's really being asked is, how do I behave in a way that makes me appealing to my partner? How do I stay lovable? How do I learn things so that my partners today and in the future won't leave me? It's really, there's more, they're really asking so much more than they realize they are. Exactly. We have to really be able to sort of meet them where they're at and not freak out by the question itself and then be able to sort of like read into the subtext about what might be a more relevant and important way to respond without telling them you're too young for this or why are you asking that get off the internet

which is exactly what's going to happen is that the parents are going to say why you ask you don't know about exactly going to happen is that their parents are going to say, why are you asking? You don't need to know about exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly.

Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. Exactly. steer your kid off of the subject they're asking about because they're there. That's the subject they're on and they are not, they are young adults. They have a whole lot more stress, a whole lot more to deal with now than we even did. So we can't treat them like they are less than.

We have to really treat them like they are just smaller sized adults and they will respond to that when you are meeting them as sort of an equal instead of I am your authority figure telling you what to do and where to steer the conversation. And you just get to be really transparent. Like I don't really know how to respond to that question because it freaks me out. But I really appreciate that you even asked me.

That means that you trusted me. As a parent, yeah, that's what you would say, right. And what the most important thing I'm finding is, as long as a kid has some trusted adult to go to, it does not have to be their parent or caregiver. But if they have access to some source, some resource, preferably a human one, not an internet one, but those are okay too.

Scarletine.com. Scarletine, we love Scarletine for kids. Yeah, we just need access to an adult who can respond to their questions in a confidential supportive way and handle the questions that parents aren't always prepared for. Even if, you know, if I have kids, I'm trained to have these conversations,

I don't know how it will feel to have my kid that I birthed and created come to me with some of these scary questions. I like to think I will handle it well, of course. Yeah, better than most. Hopefully, fingers crossed. But I also want to make sure that my kid has someone else to go to because when there is that sort of like blood bond or familial bond, it does create like some barriers into

some of the conversations that it does inherently. It just does inherently. Yeah. Because even then, it's like, I don't know how you're ever going to get rid of like, it's my parents. I don't want to think about them having sex. And so I think you're right. You know what?

I feel like I've been really grateful lately because I've chosen to be child-free and I love my decision. But I have a lot of kids in my life. I have nieces in my friends' kids now. They come over and they talk to me ages 14 to 20, early 20s. And I love that they know that I'm not going to tell your parents I'm going to be that person for you.

But yeah, I wish that I could be there for everyone. Now I have my nieces and their friends all calling me once. I'm like, let's have a FaceTime call. So how can people work with you at edZ? Everyone needs sex ed.com. Can parents just call you can do one-on-one sessions? Or is it about, I know you also doing trainings? Yes, so we do everything from phone.

We do Zoom meeting if we want to have a face-to-face contact. Or people can actually come to my home office and work together one-on-one. Also some parents will bring their kid and then they want me to sort of have, be able to answer questions that their kids have with transparency about what's being discussed, but with sort of like group agreements ahead of time. This is privilege information. If I'm going to share with you what your kid is asking about, there needs to be an agreement that,

if there's some need to react, you talk to me before you react. Because we might actually need to work through something that's happening with you that isn't really about the kid at all. And we really, we just wanna preserve whatever type of connection we are trying to build without inadvertently like setting it on fire

because one day, the kid just had a big freak out and decided to, you know, swear and run away. You know, whatever might, whatever happens. You know, we really just want everyone to feel as supportive as possible. And we also do, we have a sex educator training. It's a 25 hour certification twice a year

unless Angela's it is in person. There is a bit, there's something about being trained in person to answer questions that you just lose it online. But we will at some point make an online version. But that is actually open to anyone. There are no prerequisites in terms of like education. We really just want anyone who is working in any field, whether it's parenting itself or social work or therapy or teacher, anybody who believes they will be at some point or has already been confronted with questions that they don't know how to answer or topics that they just feel very like grandparent about like they just do not know how to talk about

gender or bodies or anything. No problem. You can actually get that this training is considered foundational. So it's like 101, but very comprehensive. And so if that's all you need, you just need that information. Great. Pass the tests. You got a certificate on your way. If you want to start working in sex ed in some way, we use this as sort of a springboard. And then we on the final day of the training, we let you know here's where to go

next for additional training and how to build a career. Wow, that's great. And we get so many emails from people asking me, how would you do it? How'd you get into it? So we're gonna send it that way in the first one. I mean, that first one is in November in Los Angeles. Yes. Okay, so we will put that in the show notes as well.

Tell me and a hardship a little bit about DreamWork. Yeah, it's so interesting. DreamWork comes in a bunch of forms. The ones that people are tended to most be familiar with is archetypal, things like, you know, young or Freud would talk about. What I'm trained into something called holistic or natural dreamwork, and it's very focused on the emotions you have during your dreams, and using that as a way to sort of bypass your conscious mind, and really just get to the feelings part. It really helps translate into just a variety of situations in your awake life that

you may not have ordinarily been able to really like process. Okay. So for instance, you know, if we have a dream about an X, it's one of the most common dreams I get asked about is, oh my god, I had a dream that I fucked my X last night. Does that mean I need, I should- Are you in my brain? Right. Should I call Jason?

No, we meant to be in a second. Nope. If you're fucking phone down immediately. Cause dreams are not secret messages about like who we actually are. And like our dreams are not telling us deep dark secrets that we just don't want us to know about. They're just, it's like our mind having an opportunity

to be like, all right, cool, she's asleep. What can we do in the next seven hours? Maybe six hours depending on our situation. And they give us experiences using things that will spur emotions, usually they're emotions that were typically numbed out to when we're awake. And our brain was really just, our dreams are just pure emotion.

They're there to support us. Our dreams love us. Even if they're confronting, they're not confronting us to be dicks or households. Right. They're confronting us because they're like, oh my god, we just really want you to see this. Because once you see this and really feel it and get it,

life is going to keep moving forward. You're going to be able to get at it at stuck spot. Or you're going to get information about yourself that you didn't know you had. So it's really there for just pure support. So people who are having disturbing dreams or over and over again, they're having like repeated themes, that would be something that you could help them with. Oh, I don't know if you've had any dreams. And I'm like falling out of an airplane.

So you're saying, if I have a dream about sleeping on Iax and Jamie has a dream about sleeping with her ex, it'd be very different things. It would depend on what my ex meant to me. Yes. I'm broke up. And how did it feel when you were fucking in the dream? Was it like exciting? And did you have a thousand orgasms or were you fucking you were like, what's for dinner?

Or I forgot to turn the oven off, you know? Right. Right. I think it was good sex. Well, that's good. Yeah. I'm trying to remember. But then there's been things that I was like, it wasn't that great. But now I'm just I'm curious about how. So you actually got into Dreamwork and you said it changed your life. And you've done a lot of work on yourself. So how do DreamWork help you, Ann, because you're someone who's very introspective and you go there. And yeah, well, about five, little more than five years ago, I started dating someone who felt very,

like, kind of a woo, woo guy. And I just figured, you know, he'd be really like really good in bed. Maybe we'd do yoga together and like that was kind of it. And now of course we're married. So, but, you know, he hates yoga, but he's fantastic in bed. So it really scored there.

He just sort of gifted me a dream work session. And I was like, what the fuck is this hippie stuff? And tried it. And I just, even though I didn't quite click with it, I just knew there was something there. So I just kept going. And I've been basically going once, doing it once a week over the phone for more than five years.

Wow. And I just found it, it's given me, it's broken down some of the layers that, regardless of how introspective I feel that I am in my conscious mind, it can only go so deep because my conscious mind is busy. It's really like in control, it loves control, it likes to believe what it knows is true and thinks is true. And you're subconscious is really, your dreams kind of like shine a different light where it's like, yeah, that's maybe that's true, but maybe this is, maybe this is true. And your subconscious is really, your dream's kind of like shine a different light where it's like, yeah, that's maybe that's true. But maybe this is, maybe this is true. Can you give an example of your life of something that you're like, okay?

Yeah. I mean, I really believed myself to be, I had a disordered eating and compulsive exercise issues for the majority of my life. All with this ultimately internalized fat phobia, I can't be fat, I grew up overweight or my doctors would say overweight when I was young. So, bigger body equaled bad and unlovable. So, I really believed that I was like over that or I had moved through it or something. And I would consistently have dreams where I was incredibly aware of other people looking at me. And I would be seeing women with bigger bodies in my dreams and be judging them about the clothes that they were wearing, or the way that they were dancing in front of me.

And I was really able to rationalize why I thought that way about these bigger bodies. Like, here's why crop tops are not okay for bigger bodies, which really was just a rule. Here's why I can't wear crop tops, because I have had a big thing about crop tops, which I've been breaking through where more crop tops now.

You always look in there. It's got great style too, by the way. Oh, thanks. And so with the DreamWorker, she really just kind of kept having to ask me like, so why do you feel that way about the big girl dancing? And I would sit there like, well, and I would just do what I could to explain and explain and explain.

And she'd be like, well, I still don't really understand. Like, why do you think you feel that way about her? And then it got to the point where I was be like, well, I still don't really understand like, why do you think you feel that way about her? And then it got to the point where I was just like, oh, fuck, okay, fuck. I'm not that evolved when it comes to bodies. Meanwhile, this was of course, five years ago, so a lot has happened since then. But this was one of the themes that would come up

at the beginning of my own dream work. And maybe three years in, my dream worker was sort of like, do you want to learn to do this? Cause I feel like you'd be good at it. And I realized that there was a direct link with working with sexuality and working with dreams and emotions. It's like a beautiful Venn diagram.

Explain to me that. So would you say that a lot of us have sex dreams that are sort of like repressive, like repressed thoughts about sex? It's such a good question. I have found that most of the time when we dream about sex, it's not literally about our sex life at all. The thing about dreams is that they're not literal and they're not logical.

So the stuff that happens in your dreams, if you try to make sense of them when you're awake, like don't bother, they don't make any sense at all. And they're not literal. So like if you are robbing a bank in your dream that does not mean that you secretly want to be a criminal It it's all about like the feeling of the experience and so a lot of sex dreams actually have everything to do with just desire Not just sexual desire, but like what do you want in life? Pleasure in general what makes you happy?

letting go receiving fear and shame often come up in sex dreams and It could totally apply to how you feel about sex when you're awake but often you can also apply the feelings that you had during the sex dream to like how you feel about work or your relationship with your family or your friends or how you feel about your relationship with yourself. Because I do say how you do one thing is how you do everything. So it would make sense if you've having some kind of angst in your dreams about something,

maybe it's like jealous or threat or shame that that is probably coming up in other places. And if you could heal it, the sex part of it, maybe that would help you heal the other parts. Okay, Jamie had a sex dream, producer Jamie. I did last night. Okay, talk to our friend Ann. So in this journey.

Right down here on the couch. There's this guy that I'm seeing just periodically. And then I also was with my roommate, who's my best friend, who's also gay. And we're at this party and we're both walking around. I'm holding both of their hands. I'm being kind of lovey-dovey with both of them. And the one guy that I've been seeing

is getting a little weirded out that I have this other person around. But I'm not not in the dream, I'm not connecting as to why, because I'm just trying to be open about seeing multiple people, but that person was not someone that I was seeing seriously. We're just love you, Debbie, because we're best friends. Got it. So I'll recap.

The dream was you were at an event, you were with a person that you're seeing in your waking life, and you were gay roommate, and you were holding hands and feeling, how are you feeling when you were with the two of them in the dream? I was feeling great, because it was also like, in the dream I was thinking about the sex I was going to have with the person I'm seeing in my waking life,

so I said, because they're ended up being sex at the end of the dream, but I felt like there was resentment during the sex. Interesting, so that's extra layers. So, you were with the two of them, and when you say that the dude you're seeing was getting weirded out, you mean like, jelly, jealousy vibes? Yes. Okay. How did that come through? How did you know he was feeling jealous? He was giving me very odd looks, and I also, I pick up on energy a lot, so he was just kind of like trying to,

he was a little bit more standoffish in a sense, but then also trying to like take me away. It was weird. Okay, a lot of back and forth. There's, so there's a lot potentially here. I'm sure. And in a good way, every dream has so much, but it's like not scary.

Like the more information you get, it just means like the more info you know about, you have about yourself. So this is definitely, you know, a bridged version of what a dream work session would be. I would normally ask you to write the dream down also, so we can both look at it. It's often, if you're saying the dude that you're seeing was watching you and giving you looks and trying to pull you away from your gay roommate. Yes. Okay. And how did you feel when he was doing that? I was like, what's going on? Like, I just didn't get it. Like, there was like a disconnect there because I was like, there's nothing serious happening there

because that's just like we're just really close. And were you feeling this in the dream? Or is this how you sort of talk about it when you're awake? No, this was just in the dream. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And so you interpreted that as jealousy from him. Yes. What happened after that? And then I kind of like was just like what's going on?

He's like nothing. And then we moved through this event that we were at. And then he just, the whole time, it just seemed weird. And we ended up having sex at the end of the dream, but I could see in his facial expressions, there was like resentments, and I didn't know what that was. What is in a resentful facial expression for you?

Like kind of like he was doing it, but begrudgingly, like he was having sex with me, but kind of like not as enthusiastic as he normally looks. Okay, so his face specifically didn't look as enthusiastic. It just looked different. How would you describe the face? Oh shit. It was kind of like, no more of like, discussed.

Mm-hmm. So a face that you would not imagine him having, like you don't associate disgust with having sex. No. So it's interesting. I wonder, at the beginning of the dream, this feeling that you're getting from the guy that you're seeing, what's interesting in dreams is we often feel like we're convinced

what someone else in the dream is feeling, or what they're actually doing. But we always have to really think about, well, what do I actually know in the dream? So the guy was watching you kind of pulling you away and was making some facial expressions that you associate with jealousy. I wonder, is it possible that there's another way

to sort of see what was happening here? Could you imagine being him watching you with your roommate? Yes. How would you feel if you were in his shoes? Okay. I guess it would be weird had he not known the sexual orientation of my roommate. Well, remember, we don't want to put logic in the drain. So I guess no. So then I guess I was not giving him all of the attention that he maybe had thought was

going to happen before going to this event. Well, I think what's really here at this this might show a little bit of your relationship to How you feel about dating multiple people in general? Oh Damn, so the idea is you know when there are other people in our dreams They aren't literally who they are necessarily that's like who are they to us? What how do we feel about that? What do they mean to us? So like your gay roommate. What does he mean to you or what do they mean to you? What do we feel about that? What do they mean to us? So like you are gay roommate, what does he mean to you or what do they mean to you?

How do you feel about them? Okay, that's actually this is making more sense now. Cause he is like my rock, he's my person. Like I love him more than anyone in the world. So he's a sense of safety. Yes. And what does this other dude kind of mean to you? Is it weird to say this online?

No. Or on the air. Okay. He's cool. He's very similar to me in personality. I've never dated someone like that before. But it's not serious. And I don't really see it going anywhere except for just having fun once in a while. Okay. So not necessarily a sense of safety or rooting in anything. Oh, no. I mean, I don't expect a lot. There's been a lot of layers to that. I'm sure, there always are. So I think that's interesting. There's an experience here in the dream where sort of like this sort of fun, low commitment,

not as important person as trying to pull you away from like your safety rock sensation. And I think if you can picture what it might feel like to be the dude that means a little bit less and like watch you interact with the sense of safety and like want to pull you away from that, like what would you would you feel jealousy looking at that happen? Would you feel left out? Would you feel like I want in on that, you know, you don't have to answer that even that now, but like this is stuff to kind of consider. That's really interesting. What's coming up?

That's interesting. Yeah, especially then after you end up, you do leave your sense of safety, gay roommate rock, and walk with, not Rand old dudes, but I'm gonna call him that, because he's easy. And then you like go to the, do this party, and then you do fuck at the end, and you're very conscious of how he looks and what his face is like.

How do you feel when you're having sex with him? Um, I mean, did you have fun? Did it was enjoyable? Did it feel pleasurable? Any of those things? Yeah, I mean, I guess I was really focused on, because I was on top too, so I kind of was really focused on, I just like didn't get his face, but the sex itself felt fine. Felt fine, what's fine?

I mean, I don't know, I guess I wasn't so focused on how the sex was making me feel. Because you were really focused on what he was looking like in his facial expression. Yes, so then I would probably ask, is this a familiar experience in your waking life when you're having sex with people? Are you more focused on the time they're having,

what their face is doing, if they're having a good time, if they're not, and less so on your own experience. I used to be that way, but now I'm a lot more into what I'm feeling, and more of a shared experience. Like, I do care about what they're feeling, but I'm making sure that I'm moving away with where I know that it's going to be good regardless, because of me. regardless because of me. Yeah, that's good. See, that's very empowering. So in a way, I could see how it could kind of come up a lot of the issues that you're having with every pair

of your life, maybe feeling learning to like, you know, feel lovable and then ask for what you want and you become much more stronger in the last few years, especially, you know, since I'm your true. We're going to take a quick break and we come back even more and hodoship and answering your questions. What's your favorite part of your life? What's your favorite part of your life? What's your favorite part of your life?

You talked earlier in that what you've worked through is a lot of body image challenges and we have a call coming in right now and I'd love you to help me answer this as well. We have Emily, 29 of Massachusetts. She's self-conscious when she writes her boyfriend and he gets soft. Oh, okay. Hey, Emily, thank you for calling. So I'm so glad you called with this question right now because we do get a lot of questions that women, they're like uncomfortable with on top, they're not comfortable in their

bodies, you know, body image. It's just I think that a lot of us are just in our heads during sex. So hi, Emily. Hi. You got two of us here. How you doing? Hi. Good.

Good. Okay, so tell us what's going on. We can help. So when I am on top, it's not necessarily a body. I don't know if it's a body image for me. I think it's self-conscious of the fact that maybe I don't know exactly what to do. What to do, how to move. Yeah.

Yeah. And so when that happens, I mean, I feel confident in the moment, but sometimes he may not. And he says, he's convinced that it's some type of like blood flow issue, but I feel like it could be either something more or if he really likes the feeling of being in control when we're having sex, which I always appreciate, but it's sometimes nice to mix it up. Yeah, because you want to get on top. You have a really, yeah, and we do really have a great sex life in that sense.

So it's just, it isn't doing a whole lot when he does get off, and I am on top for myself, like, for me. Right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was going to say, well, Emily, so when you're out, so let's maybe go with the top thing too, because let's just cover that in.

Giving them confidence, like when you get on top, what to do? I think most of the time being on top is really pleasurable because it allows the woman to really position her hips and move her hips and take control of the rhythm so that it feels good specifically to her. The penis is getting what the penis enjoys, which is warm, tight, or if this is wetness, all the good stuff, plus being able to lie there.

So it's really take the time to really just explore what feels good to you when you're in certain positions, certain angles moving front to back or up and down or side to side or swirls and just really focus on what works for you be at less focused on what can I do to keep the dick hard because that's not your job. Your job at this point is to really get as clear as possible on what works for you on top. And I can tell you most,, I think, you know, 80 ish percent, a majority of times for men who are under 50 who are having issues with erectile

maintenance, it's not a physical issue. It's usually psychosomatic and something having to do with what's going up in their head, the brain head, not the exactly. Exactly. Yeah. Definitely feels that way. It definitely feels that way. Like when we're having sex, even if he's on top and it's very rare, so to speak about like him not being hard, but it's when he isn't, because he gets in his head about starting to take things. Totally, I don't know. I don't know what to do about that.

I don't know if there's anything I can do about that. Yeah, I mean, I think it sounds like both of you could work on a little more connected this during sex and talking about this outside the bedroom, noticing that this kind of is a pattern that you're recognizing that you want to become more confident on top and when he's getting hard and you can tell him, you can reassure him that, you know, I'm just trying to figure out how I move and what feels good and it's okay if you get soft or hard, like you could just let him know that like not to give him kind of like a no-press situation,

so he's not getting too caught up in it. But there's also ways for you guys to start feeling like you're more connected and that often comes through conversations that we have like outside the bedroom about what they both want. Because if he's also really, you said the thing about control.

So maybe if he wants to be more dominant, Emily, you could figure out a way that you guys can create a more dominant, submissive role, even if you are on top. Like he's talking, he's saying, he's in charge of you. Like he's like, I'm gonna move your hands around your race, maybe, or you use some language around it. Yeah, he's kind of scenario, right? And if he needs to participate in that level, he totally can, as long as it's, you know, something that also still works for you.

He can be the one positioning you, he can, you know, move your butt cheeks up and down while you go up and down so it sort of like he gets to try to control the rhythm while you're also gyrating on top. And I also, you know, communicating during, it's really, you know, some people think that it's, I don't know, cheesy or not sexy, but, you know, checking in, like, how does this feel? Does this feel good? I want to try to the left. I'm going to hold on.

Let me scooch over. Oh, yeah, that that's good that really works and communicating in during the moments Let the two of you kind of like check in with each other about what's working and what's not so the pressure is off about Trying to like get it right and not disappoint the other person and you know all of the things that end up Basically being like figurative and literal boner killers. Right. Exactly. I think that's it Yeah, what do you think about that Emily? Because I think that's such a great point because you we think that it's gonna figurative and literal boner killers. Right, exactly. I think that's such a, yeah. What do you think about that Emily? Because I think that's such a great point because we think that it's going to be awkward and weird going to the left or move my body to the right.

And these are the things that are cool to talk about in the bedroom. I always say don't have the talks about like, how much you hate going down your partner in the bedroom, or why you're not, or whatever. But these kind of things actually pulls yourself, what I love about this and the way you're describing it is like, you're in it together. Teamwork. So it So it's intimate and then you're and he's not thinking about his dick going soft

And I'm like you're not thinking that you don't know what you're doing because you're figuring it out together And that is intimate and that is what we see and that is hot Yeah, I completely great. I really like the idea of like Having him be in control of me as long as it's working for me like while I am on top to see if that works for him as well because I mean Phil is for us to be together and you know I want to feel good but I also want my partner to feel good of course. Right, I think that's a really good idea. Teamwork, okay awesome Emily let us know how it goes. All right we have Rick 48 in Canada who wants to know why he can't remember any of his dreams.

Oh good question Rick. It's such a good question. This comes up all the time, Rick. People are like, oh, but I can't do dream work. I don't remember it. So thanks for calling Rick. Yeah, thanks. I think I can make it Michael.

Of course. Okay, so you never remember your dreams. Never. All right, and step one. It's really common. So a lot of the times, I appreciate that you're even able to say, I don't remember them, because most people say, oh, I don't dream. It's like, no, you definitely do.

You just don't remember. So what's, can really be helpful is it's almost like exercising a muscle. You don't have to sort of remember them word-for-word the minute you wake up. But if you sort of consciously before you're going to sleep, just say to yourself, I would really like to remember my dreams in the morning. I'm going to remember my dreams. I really want to remember my dreams. It's just kind of like setting an intention. And as soon as you wake up, just check in with how your body is feeling. Is there tension anywhere? Is there anywhere that's warm or soft or tingly? Are there any emotions

that you might be feeling as you wake up, those might be the sort of stepping stones into remembering more of your dreams moving forward. So if you can remember, like, oh, I feel a little bit anxious or I feel excited or I feel sad, write it down somewhere and just get it out of your head and just write it down. And I like to think of it as waking up your subconscious and your subconscious will be like, oh my god, he's listening. Oh my god, let's do it. Let's do it.

And so as the nights go on and you continue setting the intention when you go to sleep and then writing down whatever you can feel the next day, you might find that more of the narrative of the dream might stick around. And in case this is helpful, even if you can't remember the who, what, where, when of the dream, the plot is less important than the feelings you have during the dreams. So it's okay if you actually can't remember the whole thing. But if you notice that you wake up feeling really anxious or you wake up feeling really sad, those are the emotions that are sticking

around long enough to sort of show you, like, okay, maybe I need to build a different relationship to sadness. Am I numbing sadness in my waking life? Am I sad all the time? And I don't know how to let joy in there too. Use them as little stepping stones to get further into the dreams. OK. All right, Rick, how does it sound?

Not sure how much that's going to help, but all is given a try. It does work. OK, thank you for trying. Give it a try, Rick. I'll tell you why. Because when I was in college, I took a dream class. I was a college major in Michigan, and we had to take a dream class. And I did not remember my dreams. And it was because when I was in college, I took a dream class. I was psychology major in Michigan,

and we had to take a dream class, and I did not remember my dreams. And it was like, I remember them saying, we'll set you alarm for 15 minutes earlier in the morning and do that thing where you like snooze, because then as you remember dreams there, and then it was also like, set an intention that you're gonna remember it,

and that totally worked. And after like a week, I had like a whole dream journal, and I was able to write my final paper, and it was fascinating. So I feel like it's really just putting that intention that like I would like to remember them I think that that does work. I absolutely do and usually when we don't remember dreams It's because our brain doesn't want to and so it let's go. What about like drugs or drinking like I know like Smoking weed you don't remember your dreams often. Yeah, I mean if we're messing with our

cognition in any way before we're going to sleep it Get very much will impair how we remember our dreams or how we dream in general. It doesn't necessarily mean it's like a bad thing. It just, just know it might disrupt stuff. We're still having dreams, we can't remember that. We're always dreaming. And, you know, as long as you're in REM sleep,

yeah, you're having dreams of some sort. And I love that you're here because you are very well equipped to help me teach our our just the tip Tuesday. Okay, here's our sex hack, because it's back to sex basics this month. Everyone's going back to school. And we're like, okay, let's talk about everyone's favorite question, one of the top questions.

How do you find the goddamn G-Spot and the P-Spot for men, your prostate? How do you find that spot? I think it's a great way to, first of all, to know that if you haven't had an internal orgasm yet, it doesn't mean that you can't. You might have been having intercourse, we're talking about heterosexual relationships, I think that we often feel like the penis is going to be all the answers for women that we're going to have on that

way. And not everyone does. The majority of people, though. The majority of people do not. I would say 20% Yeah, doesn't mean that you can't find your G spot just because a penis didn't have you find it or maybe you didn't really You got to put in some time. Yeah, penis. It's our belts to find anything No, exactly. There's just fallacies that go in and out of orifices Right exactly. Let's let's like just normalize what a penis is capable of and not make it this like superhero Oh, no, thank you very much. I'm gonna off. Take the penis off the pedestal, you guys. It's not the penis is fault. So finding the G-spot can be, yeah,

because it can mix up your whole sex life. I know when I had to find it through my own handy work. Yeah. And so I feel like, you know, not relying on intercourse knowing that that not only the best way, and then what we said in why I love answer, because I've explained this a lot, and I'm sure that ants, you know, that it's to find it the best way

is really through fingers or through a toy. We often talk about like two fingers in a come-hiddler motion. Inside like about an inch and a half inside, going towards the belly button. That's kind of what it can feel like, but Antelma, you would, if I called you, and I said, how do I find my G-spot ant?

Well, I would say first, yeah, do it by yourself. I definitely recommend using fingers, because it just, you know, if I called you and I said, how do I find my G spot in? Well, I would say first, yeah, do it by yourself. I definitely recommend using fingers because it just, you know, toys, you don't feel what the toy is feeling, you know, there's a disconnect between what you're holding and what you're feeling in your body. Get a little bit of roused first. It actually, your whole, you know,

other regions sort of swell with blood as we get a rouse. It kind of like gets nice and puffy and sensitive. It actually helps the G spot protrude a little bit more, so it might make it easier to feel. But totally agree, one or two fingers in the vagina and press upward toward the belly button and feel around for a ridgy sort of like a walnut shell sensation. That is the G-spot area. That is that spongy tissue and it might actually be kind of bulging out a little bit if you're already turned on.

Yeah, I would say helps to have a little orgasm, not knock a few of those out. Yeah, and just take the pressure off, a reminder, 30 to 20% of people with vaginas do not have orgasms from something just being stuck in the vagina. So that also means even finding your G-Spot does not necessarily mean you're going to start coming

all over the place, it just can help a literal orgasm feel even more intense if there's also attention put on the G-spot. So finding the G-spot is very much for when we are playing with our fingers or if our partners fingers are in us or during oral sex, if there's something being put inside of us, the penis is not sort of curved upward, most of them aren't in a way that would help stimulate the G spot in the way that a finger could or a curved sex toy could. So everyone just can just take the pressure off about how it's supposed to be and just play around

and explore with your fingers first. Yeah, to get curious about it, it might take you a few times and it might take you a few years. But I believe that you could find it. Yeah, I mean, not everyone is a snowflake. We are all put together differently. We all have different bits and pieces and different sizes.

So there are some people with vaginas who are like, I don't actually know if I have the spongy tissue here. I don't feel ridges. If that's you, no problem. There's nothing broken, there's nothing bad. You still have all of the bits and pieces that you need to be able to have pleasurable sex on your own or with someone else. Exactly. It's kind of similar to find your prostate as well.

It's definitely a similar process. So if you're a man and you've been thinking you were prostate and you're like, oh, I've kind of heard about that, but what do I do? Fingers are definitely important. I would say wear latex or nitrile gloves. Just so that you don't have to worry about fingernails and if you're kind of squeegee about butt stuff and poop or whatever because poop is part of the deal when you're playing or the deal.

It's part of the deal. It's just, you know, except it. But yeah, maybe two inches in and you sort of, you know, the cum hither, move your finger up and feel again for like a ridgy walnut shell rounded little gland. The prostate gland is like a little kind of like a walnut. And it's like a walnut.

And we say that in sex ed school. Mm-hmm. Walnut. One time I said a peach pit. I'm like, no, it's a walnut actually. That could work too. Yeah, it could work. It could. Which pit.

Um, then you find that air you just buy a pleasure. Yeah, and play with it too, because, you know, don't poke at it real hard right away, because that might actually be too much. And also be prepared, you know, not everyone likes having it touch. Not everyone likes having it touch, not everyone likes the G-spot being touched, just see how it feels. And if it feels good with a little bit of pressure, keep going until you reach the point where it's perfect or it's too much, and then back off. And if you don't like it at all, no problem.

No problem. Not everyone likes everything in someone, and don't like their clitoris talk. Exactly. And don't like their balls touch. Some, you guys, it's different on everybody, which is why, you know, learning to become and like everything and some women don't like their clitoris talk. Exactly. And they're both touched. And they're both touched. You guys, it's different on everybody, which is why, you know, learning to become a great lover and you want all the tips and tricks is really finding out what you need,

your own body and what feels good. It's very much. That's how you become a great lover. Yeah. And then you're, you know, attentive with your partner and all those things and you get curious about your partner's body, but it's not like some magic tricks. It's very true.

It's very true. People think it's all these moves. I'm like, you know, you'd be like, well, we hear this all the time too, and the people are like, oh, well, my girlfriend said, so many lovers are forming, I'm so intimidated, or he's been with so many women, that doesn't mean anything. Like, I can show you a man who's left with six chicks

and the same guys, like, not gonna know how to go down on me. Absolutely, just everyone experiences it so different. There is no one way to pleasure anybody. We have a phone call. Megan, 24 in Texas, she works in a hospital and she wants to know how to stop looking at sex. So clinically when she's off the clock and with her partner.

Oh, oh my God, that's a great question. Thank you for calling. Hey, Megan. Hi. Hi. So you're 24 and you, so you've, tell me what's going on. Have you worked in the hospital for a while or is it kind of a new job and now you're 24 and you so you've you've you've tell me what's going on if you work in the hospital for a while or is it kind of a new job and now you're feeling like it's impacting

your sex life. I've worked in the hospital for a while in a couple different capacities. I worked for a while where I was working more in a nursing assistant room and then I've transitioned into medical school training to where I'm around patients. I'm talking to two patients on my gynecology rotations and I feel like the more that I study about everything and talk to patients about things that when I come home, I just feel more clinical and listening to your conversation about the G spot. I think about it that makes so much sense and I can apply that but then when I get home,

I just, I can't break out of that mode. Oh, that's such a good point. I really relate. This is something that a lot of sex educators, we talk about on Twitter a lot, where it's sort of like sex educators, the more you get into the business, the less sex you have, because you're just so either exhausted or you're always just in intellectual mode. So I very much relate, and I want to normalize the experience. It is something that happens.

The more you learn about something, you demystify it, which means some of the exciting unknown is now gone. And you not only do you know things about it, but you know all the technical terms. And so it makes it a little less sexy. The most important thing, though, is when we realize that we are our relationship to sex is shifting as a result of learning more about it.

It just means that we are in an intellectualized place. We are in our head about it. We're processing information and we're sharing it and we're educating it and we're learning and learning and learning. And that means we're in our head and not in our bodies. So what's nice is, it doesn't mean we have to stay there and live there forever. If you come home and you're ready to sort of be non-work person, you want to be in sexy mode or any other type of place except for where you've been at work, anything is better than being at work when you're home. Do something to connect into your body. That could be anything from doing a little bit of movement.

It could be stretching. It could be feeling textures and sensations with your hands. It could be drinking something and eating something that has a taste or a flavor that you really like. It could be doing skin-to-skin contact whether it's a hug or cuddling or something with your partner to start reminding your body that it also exists and everything isn't just happening in your head. Yeah. I like that you're talking about engaging the senses. So essentially when you go home, it's like play your favorite music so you can hear that. You light your favorite candle because you smell the candle

and like that setting the atmosphere. It's like having things at home that will kind of trigger to you like this is sex time. I'm off of work. Like Megan's decompressing now and I'm going to get into sexy time mode for Megan. Awesome. Awesome.

That sounds great. Thank you guys so much. Of course. Let's know how it goes. Thank you guys so much. Of course, let's not go. Thank you, Megan. So really it is true sometimes. Yeah, I got it. Thanks, Megan. Thank you, Anne Hattership. And you guys could also find her on Instagram. It's at the Anne Hatter, a N N N E H O D D R. Just go to our Instagram as well. We just did a story. It's two. You can see Anne. She's lovely and beautiful and smart. I love her big brain. Yes, sometimes I take it home with me too. And people are like, do you ever not want sex

because of what you do? And I was like, no, that's ridiculous. Like, chefs still have to go and eat. But I do understand that like sometimes I'm just like, I don't, I'm in my body. I'm like, I have to go. And it's even when I have to masturbate, like I have three toys to try and they're by my bed.

I'm like resisting because it's work. It becomes work. Absolutely. Even trying the new melt by a womanizer. Mm-hmm. It's amazing. Oh, good. I melted. I tried it.

We had to have Kristen put it on your calendar. It was on my calendar. I tried it, masturbated this, masturbated that. That's super sexy. That's not even sexy, but you guys, I get there because I have my masturbation rituals. Do you have a masturbation ritual, Ann? Yes, I know.

I think that my relationship to masturbation lately has shifted very much. So there's definitely, like, I've Yes, and no. I think that my relationship to masturbation lately has shifted very much. There's definitely, I've lost interest in it. I think I've been working in the adult industry and with sex toys for 13 or 14 years. So I've seen it all, like, sex toys. They don't excite me. I know who makes them. I know how.

All the boring stuff, similar to what Megan was sharing. I know too much. I know too much. So now it's really, if I've found a moment I am, I've been, something has shifted me out of work mode, because I also have a home office. So it's hard to shift out of work and into home when it's, it's all in the same spot. But if I get a little glimmer of the desire of desire, like something, maybe I saw something during my research that was like hot to me, or maybe I had a memory that this sort of like flipped in, or my partner said something to me or texted

something to me. I will choose in that moment, do I have the time and the space to hold on to this little flicker and turn it into a flame or do I just let it go and move on to the next and because I you know when I'm very busy during the day sometimes I just let it go but I don't feel neglected or sad by that. You know, I have other things that help me feel nurtured and connected. And other times, I'm like, yeah, I totally have 20 minutes. Let's go for it. And in that moment, I remove myself from the environment that I was in previously and put myself into an environment that I do not associate with work at all.

Thanks everyone for listening, supporting the show, sharing it with your friends, reviewing us, subscribing. We love when you do that, and I love you all. And thanks to our amazing team, Ken, Kristen, and Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemla.com.

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