Sex With Emily - Sex Drives & Relationship Vibes

Episode Date: September 26, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is taking calls and helping you navigate your sex and relationships. She talks about the things you really shouldn’t tolerate after one year into a relationship, ways to get a lowering sex drive back on the road, and how to get past jealousy in an open relationship – because it’s going to happen. Plus, if we treated our relationships like we did our careers – why we might all be a little more satisfied. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: DeoDoc, Brooklinen, We-Vibe, Magic Wand Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily on today's show I'm taking your calls and helping you navigate your sex and relationships. Topics include, things you really shouldn't tolerate after one year into a relationship. Low sex drive? Here's what to do. Pain from birth control and squirting after childbirth. What's the deal? And ways to get past jealousy and open relationship. All this and more, thanks for listening. Open relationship. All this and more, thanks for listening. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithmwe.com, check out our website. And also, you guys, if you love, and you comment and subscribe on iTunes. So helpful for the show. And check out our podcast on Spotify, Google Play, IART Radio, really all over the place. However, we listen to podcasts, you can find our podcasts there. Also, it's been great seeing everybody on all of our social media

at Tech with Emily on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, all those fun places. Okay, you guys, this is a call show. I love taking your calls. It's really fun, you guys. So I hope you join me. Comment your questions. We can get to the bottom of everything right away, which is fun. So first, here's some sex in the news.

Things you shouldn't tolerate after one year in to the relationship. Okay, guys, what I thought about this was I thought it was a great reminder of if you're in a relationship, these are really important things to consider because I'm looking at this going, I've been in relationships for two years, three years, a longer time, and these are some of our issues. So even if you're in a longer relationship, make sure that you've got most of these, if not all of these, under control. The first thing you guys is conflict avoidance.

Now I get it when you're in the honeymoon stage and you're starting out in a relationship, this is where we don't really address our challenges and our problems head on. We still live in that kind of Lala land, like, you know, putting on our best behavior and being the best version of ourselves. We kind of brush everything, you know, under the rug. We might be ignoring situations that come up, but if you're with someone for a year or longer, we have to start looking at conflicts and learning how to address them and discuss them. So what I'm telling you is just like communicating about sex, when you start to address conflicts, whatever they

are, first of all, it gets easier, but also these things won't fester because if you're not dealing with now, they don't go away. Remember, whatever you resist, persists. So make sure that you are dealing with conflicts. Red flags, you guys, there's different kinds of red flags, okay? Well, actually, there's problems you have in the relationship, things that bug you, and then there's red flags. Red flags are essentially deal breakers, and things that bug you like if they're messy, then you'll just know that they're probably going to be messy, and if you can deal with, you

know, always being the one to put the dishes away, and maybe they're bringing in the trash can, you're fine, you can kind of deal with, you know, always being the one to put the dishes away, and maybe they're bringing in the trash can, you're fine, you can kind of deal with that. But if, you know, there are really toxic person, or there's like behavioral stuff, like they're drinking a lot, or they're not taking their job seriously, or they're just abusive towards you, emotionally obviously, or physically,

these are things that do not change unless somebody, number one, recognizes they have a problem, and then they get a help. So it doesn't magically disappear. So if they look at your relationship, say, is this a red flag? Or I can deal with it. You know, I remember I was dating someone when I was younger and I said, I don't like his, the sounds really silly.

But I was like 24. I was like, mom, I don't like the shorts. He's wearing, I was in San Francisco and knowing where shorts and it was a silly thing. And I'm like, he wears his weird shorts and she's like, Emily, you can always take someone shopping and buy them new clothes or whatever But he's a lovely person and he really was so think about it If you're thinking what's like silly or something that is real. Okay you guys inability to compromise I'm not a huge fan of compromise. I got to be honest

But this is something I've also learned in relationships. I'm very independent I like doing my own thing But if you feel like you're always the one bending over backwards You're're always, you know, the one who's, you know, changing your schedule around or driving your partner places or deciding to do what they want to do. Go out there friends, go to the movies they want to see, you know, when are you going to get yours? So think about it. Like, talk to your partner about it. It is, it is about compromise. That's how you're going to get along. It's not always you being the one. Because remember, you get being the martyr essentially because if you're the one who's always doing things for your partner and you're not getting get along. It's not always you being the one. Because remember, you get being the martyr essentially. Because if you're the one who's always doing things for your

partner and you're not getting your needs meant, there's probably some resentment going on. So if they're not compromising with you, find out why and see if you can do with it. Because if not, time to move on. Lack of commitment. Here's another one you guys. You can tell if your partner is keeping you at arm's length. Even after a year, it could be a sign that you don't want the same thing. It's like, if you're like, I'm thinking ahead to the holidays, I want you to go home and move my family. You know, I want you to take to my cousins wedding this summer, and they've literally never said anything, but like, let's watch a movie tonight at your house. That would be another sign for you that you

might not be on the same page, and they might not be looking at the commitment the same way. But this is a great one because this is actually more black and white like either they are including you with long-term plans and commitments and thinking about your future or they're not. So think about that one. If your sex life is a balance after a year,

I feel it's a balance after a week, I think you should start working on it. But definitely after some time, you should start working on it But definitely after you know, sometime you should start working on it because they're always changing We all know the honeymoon bases real and that the first few months having sex with anyone even like a tree Could be amazing that they were taking the tree But I'm looking at this door in front of you. I'm like you could literally have sex with something and it's new and exciting And it's unknown and it's great But if it's still a year, you know, you got to talk about sex, what you want and all

your desires. So that's a big one too. Okay, here's another one. I hear this one all the time. X issues. If your partner is still hung up on their acts and you feel like, you know, they have this secret relationship and they're talking that they're always friends, but they're not bringing the X into your life.

And it's kind of like this secret part and you're kind of get these weird feelings about it. That's something to address because I feel like you guys have heard me talk. If you've been listening for the last 13 years, you know that my X's are a huge part of my life. They're good friends. Am I not right away though, you guys? Usually it has take six months or a year, but they become good friends, many of them.

And then I introduce them to my partner. And then after they meet him, it doesn't even, not even a thing that the person was my ex, but there's also the unhealthy side of it. So again, if you have met this person, they're talking to them, they still might be hung up on their ex. And that can be a challenge. Finally, guys, arguments about money, money, kids, sex.

These are probably the three biggest challenges in relationships. So if financially, you know, if you're mismatched essentially when it comes to money, that is something you've talked about. Maybe your partner's not financially responsible. They're not managing their money, or maybe they're overspending, or they're being cheap. These things are shaped in our childhood too, how we handle money. And so that's a big one. And you really have to just talk about money. I know it's hard to. It's kind of like talking about sex. But you could say, you know, I've been noticing these things like for me, money's a big thing. What are some, you know, I save money or I'm have a retirement plan. I, what are your plans for it? You could just ask them. And then maybe

you could even inspire them because if we didn't have a good mentor around money, like my mom is a financial planner. She's been talking about it forever, right? But I feel like there's so many of us, it's just like sex we kind of put our nose in the sand. We're like, oh, that money thing will work out, but maybe they'll be inspired by what you have to say. So if not, there's your signs, you guys. There's a lot of issues from there. And I think if you match up on a few of them, it's probably time to take a look at your relationship and see if you should say or you should go. Okay, guys, here's another one I liked.

What to do when your sex drive is low. We talk a lot about sex drive on the show and it's probably one of the most common questions I hear from you guys. Our sex drive is going to change over time. Just know that except it, you're going to get six some times, you're going to feel great some time, some of you are going to want six sometimes, you're going to feel great sometimes, and you're going to want sex, and sometimes you're not. I thought these were really solid steps on what to do if your sex drive is low, if you've been feeling like you're just not in the mood and you're not feeling sex.

The first thing is find a new doctor, you guys. There is nothing wrong with looking around for a doctor like how you date in a relationship, you date a few people at once, like I think if you're looking for a new doctor, find a good doctor because what they should do is, first of all, talk to them about your conceptual concerns. A lot of doctors like your primary doctor, they might not be well versed and sex, they might not really know what to do.

I mean, there are some doctors like have a glass of wine, then you'll be in the mood. You don't want a doctor who says that to you. You want a doctor who can kind of look at some things going on in your life. So they can look at your hormone levels. They can check out the refuptopression, anxiety. These are all things that contribute to, we never talk about thyroid and abalances. Our threat is cancer, heart disease, chronic pain, kidney disease.

These are things your doctor can look at. So once you get, you guys always ask you, are you seeing a doctor if you talk to your doctor? That's what your doctor can look at. So once you get you guys always say go I always ask you are you seeing a doctor every talk to your doctor? That's what your doctor is going to check for and then check your medicine cabinet you guys. We don't realize how many medications can actually have an impact on our libido and what to do by it. Our doctors typically don't say I need to take this for diabetes and oh by the way it can have the sexual side effect or another, this is huge. People don't tell us birth control can have an impact

on our sex drive. So here's some common medications that could cause a decrease in your libido. So anti-seasure or anti-exiting medications, you guys. I know a lot of people are anxious these days. So if you've got volume, adivan, clonipym, those could have impact beta blockers, lipitor, crestor, cholesterol, lowing medications, antidepressants. This is a big one. You guys one in five women are on antidepressants. So things like

prozac, paxil, and zooloft, and even well butrium, which is not an SSRI, but used for anxiety and depression, even though it's advertised for not giving you sexual side effects, it actually can still have sexual side effects. So how are you supposed to know? And finally, hormonal birth control, like birth control pills, rings, and the hormonal IUD. So what do you do if you're on this med? I'm not telling you off your meds.

Do not go off your meds without talking to your doctor, but here's a cool thing. They can change the dosage. They can change what time you're taking it. They can add another medications. They can try similar classes of medications. So talk to your doctor about it. You don't have to live with a low sex drive. So here's another great point in this, you guys, is that I know there's times where we take

it for granted and we're like, oh, you know, it should just function on its own and it could work at certain points and not others. And we just don't really think about it, but it does need your support in order for it to work for you. So ask yourself these questions. I really like these questions because I'm always evaluating my sex life as well, along with you. How does your life as it is right now, like your lifestyle, what you're doing every day,

does it actually support having a healthy sex drive? So answer these questions. Do you even have time to be intimate or is every single moment of your day schedule? Do you have time or the energy to feel desire? Are you taking care of your body? Are you eating healthy foods? Are you exercising? Are you getting enough sleep?

I mean, just think about those things. If you have no time and you're not eating healthy and you're not exercising, you don't have to even see a doctor. You can just answer those honestly and think, you know what, I'm not. I, you can change some of those things on your own and see some impact on your sex drive. Another one is, this is big, you guys,

do you have a good environment for having sex? I've been guilty of this. Take a look at your bedroom or wherever you have sex. it matters so much how you have your bedroom set up. So if it's like cluttery and messy and you don't have the right light and you can never find the music you're going to play or your vibrators aren't charged and your loobs in the kitchen and you just like if it's messy or distracting or it's you know getting you out of the mood. If your bedroom doesn't point you in the mood for sex, nothing else is going to do. So make sure you are not distracted. And you guys take a look at your relationship. If you guys have grown distanced, if you're not seeing each other, if you've been like holding

on to something that happened last summer, you're not going to feel the desire. It just isn't going to happen. You could be the healthiest person in the world. You could not be on medication. You could be exercising all these things. But if you are festering and holding on to issues, that's going to have an effect on your sex drive. Think about the sex you're having. Are you having the kind of sex you want to have? So if you're having the same kind of sex, routine sex, like many of us do, we fall in the bad earns, we have missionary sex, we roll over, we go to sleep, you're not going to get so excited for that after we're out. So this is where all those fun sex ideas come in,

like having date night, something to look forward to trying something new in the bedroom. One of these amazing toys or products I talk about you guys, one thing could give you months of new inspiration. I promise you that. And also being vulnerable and finally having that conversation with your partner about like, hey, let's talk about our sex. If you guys this is normal, just like you talk about your investment or your 401k, let's check in and talk about our sex life. What do you want, babe? What have you wanted to try?

Let's try it. So these are all things you guys, these are the whole wrapped up package of what's going on with your sex drive, your libido. And I think if you just grab one of those areas and start looking at it, you're gonna start to see a change. And finally, you guys, what if we treat our relationships more like we treat our careers? Dear those friends who say, God, you know, marriage should be like a business contract. Every five

years, we get to renew it and decide if we still want to be married. Like, I used to hear people always jug about that. And the more I think about these things, about how we spend so much time, like, being really good at work and being a good employee and talking to our boss, doing all these things so we can like have a really good career, what if we brought some of those principles into our relationship? So before you resist what I'm saying here, I get that love and work is kind of different,

but there are some concepts that definitely work in a relationship. So, and it's like straightforward communicating. So, you know, building a relationship is kind of like building a business. You got to invest in it. You got to give each other attention. You got to plan for the future. You might need me to strategy.

You have to check in on your values. Are you going in the same place? How are you going to grow together, right? Those are all business things. But the interesting thing is just like sex, when we get into relationship or recording each other, we're taught to be like, coy and be more measured about what we really want. Don't be direct, don't be assertive.

You know, kind of like we are in the workplace, in love, it's a little bit different. And then dating, you guys, having you done this, where you like, kind of make irrational decisions that are based on emotions or conversations you had with your friend or you interpret what your partner wants because you had a moment where you're like, oh my God, maybe they're not in love with me anymore.

We do something rash. We don't do that in the office. I don't come into like Jamie, my producer, and be like, oh my God, I had a dream about you last night. And I feel like we should repaid the office today green because that's what you're doing in the dream. We don't do things like that in the workplace.

And in our relationships, I didn't really have a drink, I think about being green. But if I did, that would be crazy, right? So let's try to think about our relationships more logically. Because in our career we're thinking like, how can I do better? How can I get a better review?

How can I not burn out? How can I get what I want and also make it a healthy work environment? So why not do that in our relationships? So really, it's another communication style, and it's another kind of way to have the discussion. And this might, for some of you, might feel really comfortable.

You're like, I got this. I'm great at business. Bring it into a brain-chair relationship. So number one, you guys set goals and targets. Just like our careers, like in five years, I want to be president of the company. Or I want to make this much money or I want this money followers on my, you know, Instagram. If you do milestones or relationships in your love life, that can

work too. So think about it. You guys can talk about this together. How do I want to feel in this relationship? Like maybe you guys have been fighting it out lately, you know, like it's just really tense. I feel like we're not getting along. It's okay to say in six months from now, I want to make sure that we are cooking dinner, you know, like it just really tends. I feel like we're not getting along. It's okay to say in six months from now, I want to make sure that we are cooking dinner, you know, together once a week, or we're exercising together, or we're taking a vacation. Maybe you want a more fun in your relationship,

and more passion. I mean, talk about your goals together. Maybe you both want different things. I'm telling you, having these kind of conversations will help you realize if you're even on the same page. So when you figure out what you want, like, how are we going to get there? And then if you guys both know, well, we really want more playful fun than you start having play dates.

And that thing is you guys have regular reviews, okay? Review your relationship. Just do a check-in. I mean, this can be at dinner. You know, how, like, have a state of your relationship talk. You know, I used to have in my own of my relationships. We had a truth couch. And then my boyfriend's house, we had a sentence couch, like, once a state of your relationship talk. You know, I used to have in my own of my relationships, we had a truth couch, and my boyfriend's house, we had a sentence couch,

like, once a week or whenever we're having a conversation, we're like, let's go to the truth couch. We'd be like, okay, let's talk about it and became like fun. It was like, we're going to a different location to talk about our relationship. So this is where you can kind of check in how we're doing, how are things feeling in our relationship, how are we doing on our goals,

or just a reminder that you guys are in it together. Make time for brainstorming. It's like the workplace brainstorming, fresh ideas. I know when we brainstorm around here, we come up with the best things, just like your relationship, which actually is a living and breathing organism. It doesn't mean just because you guys got married and you steal that deal that your relationship doesn't want to grow.

So find out you guys brainstorm. If you find out, yeah, we really need to be doing fun. Then you look at the last four nights together that you ordered in food and watched Netflix, you can look at it and go, okay, well, what could we do to still watch our television shows and make sure that we're getting out more. Actually, this reminds me of the episode we did with Lisa Bilyu, Women of Impact. A few weeks ago, she talked a lot about the way she does this in her relationship, and it was really inspiring for a lot of you.

So you might want to check out that episode. But finding the things you can do together and brainstorming new ideas that are fun for both of you. You know, where do you guys want to go? Where do you want to eat? That's fun things to set up. And then you have things to look forward to. Take vacations, no surprise you guys.

This literally comes up on every single relationship sex tip. Anything you ever read is like vacation sex or take vacations, but here's why you guys. I always talk about it in the sex realm. But you know I also think it's very healthy for your relationships because you've got to get out of your home. You're doing things the same as that way every day. So even just a few days of over vacation throughout the year, in addition to weekends,

just getting away, taking long weekend, breaking your nine to five routine, have a huge impact on your relationship. So make sure that you guys have time in your own to bond. Go all in. I've been guilty of this when dating, and I don't know if you guys can relate to this as well when you're just both aren't fully committed to the relationship. So I think a lot of us kind of have if we're dating we would like dip our toe in and we're

like yeah, I have one foot in and one foot out or I'm not really sure I want to go the distance with this person. I'll just hang out until I meet someone else. You realize that not only is that a disservice to the person you're dating, but to yourself. Because when you've like one fin, you're not, you're not just like with work. You don't have one foot in your job, and if you do, we usually feel like it's time to get out. If we can't really commit anymore. But in your relationship, if you're still like protecting your heart, you're afraid of

getting hurt, which is typically why we have one foot out the door, or we're just not sure, your relationship's going to last a lot longer in that gray zone. But once you've decided, you know what? I've got nothing to lose. I'm putting both feet into this relationship, no matter what happens, you know you did it all. And this could just be a mindset. Like this could just be like, you know what?

I am going all into this. I'm gonna like make commitments to my partner that I never thought I could make before. I'm gonna open up my heart. I'm gonna be vulnerable at something that I've never talked to my partner about. That's how you go all in. So really, guys, the thing you're going all in is really just about changing your mindset, just like success as a mindset.

It's a mindset. I'm going to be successful by doing these things. And you guys, I'm not saying that you have to go all business in your relationship that you guys should actually have contracts and write this all out, although it is kind of fun to see the progress you made. You know, I think you still need to be spontaneous and surprise each other and be playful and fun. But if you just have fun, you're fun yourself at this like roadblock of like, our talks aren't going anywhere.

I love the idea of bringing a little business into the bedroom and seeing where it takes you. So, I was inspired. I hope you are too. Okay guys, we're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors. I love my sponsors. Thank you for supporting them and I love you all too. And when we back, I'm gonna be helping you through your sex and relationship issues. We'll be right back.

Okay guys, we are on to calls and answering your questions. If you would like a question answered on the show, text Ask Emily all one word to 7979 or go to my website, sexathelemy.com and click the Ask Emily tab as always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to this show. Okay, this is Ashley. She's 31 from Oregon and she's starting an open marriage, previously they were swingers and wants to know how to get over the fear and guilt. Hi Ashley. You've come to right place Yay, perfect. Thank you. So tell me what's going on. So

My husband was my first so Just I've always been really fasted by the orgies and just group x and just the whole idea of it and I was always so embarrassed about it because you know that stigma that we have about sex and one person and for the rest of your life. And how long have you guys been together? We've been married in 12 years. Right, okay, great. Yeah, so I started young.

Yeah. So you guys have been fasted with orgies and you said watching porn with orgies, are you've always been kind of fascinated by it? I mean that's my own kinks. Right, right. He just likes that desire. He wants to so desired by other people. He's very satisfied with our relationship, but I think just that feeling of being wanted

and I mean, I'm not going to lie. I do enjoy, like, and penis, so, I'm not going to lie. I do enjoy like, and penis, so. Yeah. Who doesn't? I think I've been after 12 years of age. Yeah, yeah. But I feel like I've just so much in my head. Yeah. I don't know how to get out of there and just like,

out with those fears, because he reassures me all the time. That's what holds me back so much. Did you say you were swingers before? Did I have that right? Yeah. We've done lots of couples up there before, but that's together. I see. I see. I see. Okay.

So this is more about like how do you open it? So you guys, I'm sure, have talked about like, is it more like you, are you going to be sleepovers? Is it someone that you know or that you don't know or how, like do you have a lot of the rules in place and the boundaries? Yeah, we've been talking lots about our boundaries kind of when to do it because we do have kids so trying to figure out timing and when it's appropriate time to do it, when it's you know what's going to be a trigger for us, you know, we have lots of conversations and you did

have one person already when he was out of town for work. And it was kind of hard for me just because I'm not there. Right. And that's when I kind of figured out my communication style point on. So it seems to be just kind of walking. Yeah, well that's how you learn. I mean, it sounds mean because communication is the most important thing. So as long as much I tell couples okay, you're gonna open it up

You have to have all these rules and all these boundaries like that's really just to get you going But every you're gonna learn by doing like there's no way that you can know how you're gonna feel right? Like you don't know like and you might have a great experience and he might get jealous and he might worry about but But it's not that people in open relationships who and and I know a lot of people in healthy, open relationships and open marriages, it's not that you don't experience jealousy and it's not that you don't get sad or fearful or anxious about it, it's that you learn how to communicate about it so you take away the charge. You practice it to rigorous honesty and vulnerability that it just becomes easier over time because

you guys do trust each other and you are open so it sounds like you have that in place and that you're able to communicate with him. So I kind of feel like, you know, it's great that you're being honest with him about this. And I think again, that is one of the things you could be worrying that he could run off with someone, but it sounds like you guys are really in love and you've actually already practiced with swinging. I mean, because that could have essentially happened with swinging, right? He could have like, having sex with someone's wife and,, you know, like so you've already done that like a lot of me were like, I can't even imagine my husband having sex with someone.

So the fact that you've done that is kind of a first step. I don't know how to tell you how to get out of your own head, but I think the more that you guys experience things, it sounds like it's your turn right now, and then you go back and talk about it. That's how you guys are going to hone the right way to keep moving forward. Perfect. Yeah. That's a lot more reassuring. about it, that's how you guys are going to hone the right way to keep moving forward. Perfect, yeah. That's more reassuring.

Yeah, definitely. But I think that you guys seem like you're 12 years together, you have kids, it seems like you guys are good candidates. I would tell you if you weren't. So you're going to have the fear, and I'm just telling you that couples that I've talked about this are like, yeah, it was harder in the beginning and it gets easier over time. Yeah, the word would just don't seem to matter to me as much. I think like, you're noticing that he actually still sees this. Exactly. He comes home right and you let him know what he needs and aftercare. Maybe you'll find out like, I don't want you sleeping with anyone.

I got to want you sleeping over. Like you'll come to figure it out. But when you see him again and everything's great, maybe it's even hotter because you guys during sex tell each other about your sexual exploits, like for a lot of couples that's so hot. So you might find that like it feeds upon itself in a really healthy way, which I think it sounds like you guys are going in that direction. Great, well I appreciate it.

Yeah, you have my approval. Okay, it's the most important. Okay, good. Okay, Ashley, just keep talking and being vulnerable and asking for what you need. Okay, Ashley, thanks. Have a being vulnerable and asking for what you need. Okay, Ashley, thanks. Have a great night. Thank you. Thank you.

I know you guys. You might be sitting there going, oh my God, I could never do an open relationship. It's probably not for you. For a lot of couples, it is not for them, but I'm telling you, couples who are on solid ground, you've been together for a while and you've talked about it. You've explored it. You've walked to the scenario and you've thought, how would you feel if I came home and I was with someone out like you really get to like, you walked to the scenario and you thought, how would you feel if I came home and I was with someone

out, like you really get to like, you talk about it, you decide who's off limits, like maybe it's someone you know, never anyone from work, you know, which I don't think that's ever going to get anyway. But you have boundaries, you've good communication already. Then I think it's okay to move into open relationship territory, not for everybody, but for the people that it works for, they practice a rigorous honesty that can really work. Next call is Tara 27 from Idaho, and she squirts after childbirth, but not always with an orgasm and wants to know why. Hey Tara. Hi Emily, how are you? I'm so good,

how are you? I'm so freaking excited right now. Me too. Let's talk about squirting everyone's favorite topic. So I have always kind of been fascinated with it, but I wasn't always able to. I had tried and tried and was never able to. And then after I had my son, all of a sudden that wasn't even trying and it happened. But it kind of took me off guard because I wasn't orgasming when it happened and I was just like, oh my god, what is happening? This is so crazy. And my husband was like pumped, like fist pumping in the air, like so hot of himself. Yeah.

But then I have like since been able to do it in certain positions, like almost on command. Oh great. But it's not always with an orgasm. Like sometimes it is. Right. And sometimes it's not. And then sometimes I feel like it's getting like, like I feel this really big build up. And then I will push him out before I get like really big release.

And so I just was wondering if that was common. Totally common. In fact, scored can happen without orgasm all the time. It's really common like that women have to squirt without orgasm and orgasm without squirting as you know. So that's just common. It doesn't mean orgasm necessarily at all. And I also get the pushing them out thing because you're pushing your your pubic floor down and you're like your keg of muscles. So you just push them out. That's happened to me. That can totally happen. If you know that's going to happen and he's cool with it, do you feel like that you're having more...

Does it prevent you from orgasming when you push them out? Sometimes, I feel like it would be so much more intense if I could just keep him there. But even when I'm not orgasming, it's like a full body, almost like a spasm. Even if he's really holding on to me, I like buck him off. And so, like, even if he's, like, really holding onto me, I like, buck him off. I thought, I thought, I have a better way to put it.

Right, no, I totally get it. But it feels good though, still, even if it's not orgasm, the release of the sporting, okay? Yeah, I mean, it does feel good, like, sometimes it catches me off-guard, and I don't even realize that I'm doing it. And, like, it kind of excites me because I think it's kind of cool.

It is cool, yeah. But I don't really know that it feels a whole lot better all the time and then sometimes it is with an orgasm and it's awesome but it's kind of just like that same sensation as like a clitoral orgasm. Right. Yeah. That happens. That, I mean, that's that's common. Do you know the times that it happens? What position you're in and what you're feeling when it does them? Usually it's missionary and I like, if I kind of, I don't usually ever prop my hips up, but like if I wrap my legs around them and then I kind of like squeeze my hips up so

that angle is right. And then it's happened in doggy style before too. Okay. Great. Yeah. So now you know those positions and when you feel like yourself. Okay, great. Yeah, so now you know those positions. And when you feel like yourself pushing them out, it's okay to stop.

So you could just be like, stop and just keep breathing into it so you don't before you push them out. And maybe that sensation will pass. And then you could let it build again. But there's nothing, I mean, have you, do you do kaggle exercises as well? Cause that can also help strengthen those muscles. I mean, I haven't ever really, like the doctor kind of suggested it after I found my kids

and stuff, but I've done it like a little bit, but not regularly. Okay, because that can also help women just have stronger orgasms, it can have almost like squirting and ejaculation, but like there's nothing wrong here. So I feel like you're just going to have to kind of pay attention and do the positions that work for you and kind of play with it, because it's still new for you. And so, you know, our bodies are always changing. There's certain times a month you could squirt more than others, you know, sometimes orgasm sometimes not,

but that's just sex. So there's nothing wrong here. I wouldn't, I wouldn't worry. It sounds like you guys have a really healthy sex life. So I think it sounds fun. Pretty awesome, far. It seems really good to me. So, you know, so I It seems really good to me.

So I would just say not to trip on it and just to go with it. And kind of talk to them about it, what you need, and just kind of breathe through it now so you don't push them out. But if you do, that's not a big deal either. So doing your kegels and just breathing through it, I think could help you. Awesome. We'll do. And I just wanted to tell you that I appreciate everything you're doing.

Seriously, I have changed my life. My friends make fun of me with how much I talk about this podcast. Oh, I love that. Thank you so much for telling your friends about it. I appreciate it, and I really do love hearing it. That's why it exists. That's why I do what I do. So thank you.

Yeah, we're all listening to it in my office. There's a few of us. Oh my God. So that's kind of snickering and laughing. I love it. We'll have them all call in. And I send my love to everyone and all your friends. So hang in there.

And I love thank you for being an ambassador of the show. I appreciate it. Thanks, Emily. Have a great day. Bye, thanks. Bye. OK, guys, squirting. Is it real?

Is it pee? Is it what is it? Does it matter? Are you guys? I'm not going to talk. You're like, yeah, there are traces of urine in it, and there's, you know, periorethal fluids from the skin glands, it's all fine. I think that women have to figure out what feels good to them, how it works.

It is possible for a lot of women to learn how to squirt. It starts with G-Spot stimulation, like using a toy. Like the rave is a great one, not your fingers or your partner's penis, but I love that she called in because really just checking to make sure that everything's okay And you guys most things are okay. If you're not having pain and you're enjoying sex, it's all good Okay, we have Lindsay. She's 26 from Washington and she has pain during sex in certain positions ever since switching to IUD is it connected? Hey Lindsay Hi, how's it going? Good. Good. I'm so glad you called in, so tell me what's going on with the CUD. So yeah, so I got the CUD about nine months ago. And then

during certain positions, it started hurting, like especially during doggy style. And at first I just assumed that I had to get adjusted to the CUD and everything, but then it's still hurting currently and then occasionally I'll even bleed after a sec. So then I went to the doctor and they had me get a son degree and just make sure the IUD was in place and they said everything was fine. So then but then I didn't go back to the doctor after they told me it was fine so I haven't actually gotten anything checked out since. Okay.

But I don't know if it's all related or... Kind of sounds like it is. Have you ever had any pain with sex before the nine months? No, it wasn't until I got the IED. Okay, I would go back to Bummi and Bummi there. Did you go right away after the nine months, like nine months ago or eight months ago? It was around five or six months that I went and got the sonogram. Okay.

Because they said I would have spotted bleeding up to like six months that I went and got the sonogram. Because they said I would have spotted bleeding up to like six months. But, and I've had multiple partners and so it's, it's blood after like two of them, but then one other one it didn't bleed after. So it's only during certain times too, but it's always usually consistent with pain during dying. Okay, yeah, that's, I mean that's not fun. I mean, I think that you might need to go back and tell them that you're still having pain

because this isn't that common. Sometimes you might decide effects at the beginning, but it doesn't, I mean, it doesn't happen. They might not have trimmed it correctly. You might need to get it adjusted. I mean, I would tell them, you know, doctors are so busy these days, you go in, so you're gonna just tell them, like,

it's really not okay. And again, like, there are some, like, they might need to trim it. They might need to look at it differently. And so, I think to just tell them, like it's really not okay. And again, like there are some things that they might need to trim it, they might need to look at it differently. And so I think that they could also be, I mean, the fact that the bleeding, that's the part that I'm more concerned about, because also there could be a learned reaction

that you're tensing, because you're afraid it's going to hurt, and then it hurts. Because when we tense up, that's how people don't like anal, people can't orgasm, because we tense, we hold our breaths. So I would say practice breathing and letting go and

like releasing because maybe it's and try to go slower and not as deep so that could be one thing but if you're bleeding like those are two different side effects you're having the pain and the bleeding right so I would just go back you know I would yeah because I was also think because I was from the show for a while thank you you. You're talking about a loop. So I went on to your online store, a bunch of the loops. So we consistently used that too, because I thought maybe it was part of that drive. Yeah, it's kind of confusing, a bunch of the loop. And then that hasn't worked. And I still bleed after that.

Or even after I've orgasmed too. So I just, oh, OK. I think you're right. I think it's. Yeah, go back to the doctor, because they don't want to admit. They don't really tense up. Yeah, I'm sure. Yeah, I think you're right. I think yeah go back to the doctor because they don't want to I'm sure you do but exactly I just think for peace of mind because maybe you go back and they can't adjust it I don't see why you know son of a gun can't tell you everything all you know is what you're experienced That's what you can tell them so again doctors are busy and I so he's think oh, they know everything But the truth is all they know is from what you tell them is you have to go back in so you're still bleeding

It's not okay. Maybe they could take it out, put it back in, like a trim it, but I don't think they should be having both of these experiences, especially if you didn't have them before. So go back to the doctor, talk about it, and you could probably get it figured out. And just remember to breathe always anyway. And keep using, remember to breathe and keep using the loop, loop though no matter what kind of sex you're having. Breathe. I know it's the hearts remember. Okay. If you don't breathe the die, but it's really hard to remember. Okay, thanks Lindsay.

Thanks for calling. Make that appointment. Bye. Have a good night. Thanks. Bye. I like this call you guys because I think that we get sometimes our doctors, you got to go back, you got to get a second opinion, you got to talk to them again, they're not always right. Yes, they have your best interests in mind, but they're busy, they're seeing a lot of patients, and you know your experience. So I think we put a lot of weight on what they say, doctors, and we, as we should, but we are our own best advocates.

So if you're having pain and something's happened to you, make that doctor's a wound. We all pay a lot of money and health insurance and I know that it's a pain in the ass to go to the doctor. I've got like three appointments to make right now and it's hard to do but once you do it, you guys are such a relief because you got to take care of yourself. You get so important you guys put yourself first, okay? This is Summer 38 from British Columbia. She's a high sex drive. Her husband doesn't and won't go to counseling. Hey summer. Hi, how are you? I'm good. Tell me what's going on. Oh, girl. I don't even know. I mean, we've been together for six years

Married for one. There's always been a little bit of an issue in the bedroom. We've talked about it He's told me that there's been issues in the past with his girlfriend but it just seems to progressively have gotten worse over the years and I'm just kind of left feeling like I don't know what to do because I'm the only one talking about it I'm the only one bringing it up I'm the only one asking what's going on so I just I don't know I kind of feel lost right now because it needs it us is it him I don't know you guys have been together five years so how was it in the beginning and the beginning I mean in the beginning when we were first dating it was fun I mean we were you know we we we had more fun in the beginning for sure like every couple but

okay yes many couples yeah but I mean but even in the beginning of our dating relationship I noticed a law and I noticed that, you know, we would spend, you know, a week together or something and nothing would happen. And it was just, I think that I'm used to someone maybe being more of the aggressor in the relationship, and maybe I've never taken that role on, so maybe that's where I've kind of lost it, but it's just, I, he doesn't, he's never really the one asking for it or wanting it. And like I said, if, you know, I definitely don't think

he's cheating on me, so I don't know what's going on there. Yeah. Well, you know, we're all so different. Like, we're all, we're like so oriented towards like, oh, men are the ones just being initiators and women are, but you know, it's different in every relationship. So it's true that he might be waiting for you to

To make the moves or to get him to kind of pull him in because maybe he just doesn't have his high-versus sex drive or he's going You know, it sounds like it's been like this since you met him because sometimes it can take a dip If we're going through we're worried about work or we're depressed or you know, how old is he? Curious he's 34. Okay He told me that in his last relationship, they weren't intimate for a year, and then they finally broke up. And so I don't know what happened in that relationship. It's never been that bad for us, but I don't know.

And I know he is a diabetic, so I don't know if that has something to do with it as well. But yeah, does he take anything? Is he on any medications? Yeah, he does. Okay, I mean, can we get insulin? Yeah, that could have an impact too on his sex drive. That might be a reason, but I think you guys just have to talk about it in a way that's like, no, it sounds like it's

I know, I'm sorry, you knew I was gonna say this, but it sounds like it's gotten to the place where you're just like really frustrated and you guys aren't able to kind of communicate about it, but I feel like we need to know like what, what he would need to be in the mood. Like you can ask him like, what would you need to want to have sex? Like in a loving way outside the bedroom

where you're not blaming him, you're not making a feel bad, but it's like a real, because it matters. Like somewhere you're correct to be like at this point, we're like, what's gonna happen? How am I gonna do it this? Because it matters.

It is your sex life. That's what keeps you guys from being just roommates. So it is something that you both have to pay attention to. And it sounds like he's not really giving you a lot of information here. He's not really talking about it or have you guys ever had a really deeper conversation about it where you got more information?

Yeah, we have. We definitely have. And I do think it's difficult for him to talk about it because, again, I'm always the one bringing that. I got to a point in our relationship where I was like, maybe I'm being part of the problem because I'm always asking what's up is if everything's okay. And maybe I'm driving you crazy because I'm always talking about it. So I kind of backed away and just stopped asking what was up is if everything okay and maybe I'm like driving you crazy because I'm always talking about it So I kind of backed away and just stopped asking what was up and it got worse Right because the puppy doesn't know you know, and he probably feels bad because he wants to please you So so he might feel

Tell me that he did tell me that was one of his issues that he doesn't think he does But I don't know where he got that from but because, because you probably, you asking, like, what can I do or why aren't we having sex? So, he feels rejection. So, see, the good news is that you're both love each other and you're married and you both want to please each other. But you're probably feeling rejected because he's not deserving you and he's feeling like he's letting you down. And so, you both want it, but you don't know how to get out of your own way.

And so, because he might really not know, like, and I want him to check with his doctor about his insulin medicine because that could have an impact like people with diabetes Don't have the highest sex drive that can have an impact So I think that is real especially since it's been going on since you started dating you said even at the beginning you sense the low So he might really want it want to please you but his body isn't reacting Which can be really frustrating and he might as even know because it's been like this his whole life You know I'm saying so yeah, but I think if you go And he might as well even know because it's been like this his whole life. You know what I'm saying?

But I think if you go at it, we both, and say what I said, I feel rejected. And I know you're not trying to hurt me, and you love me. And I know that you feel like you're not pleasing me. And I don't even know, we gotta figure out what works for us. So I feel like you might need you to initiate, and then you might need to know what that looks like. Like maybe you, you know, he might say,

well, if I come in, if you, we have this, you know, you taxi before I come home and say you want to sex, then maybe he needs to know that that's what you want. Or maybe he needs to kiss him when he walks in the door. Or you might need him to like, I don't know, put his hand on your shoulder or on your, you know, around your waist, and you need more touch. So I feel like there's some, some ways you guys have to figure out what intimacy

looks like for both of you because every couple has their own rhythm and their own formula that works. I mean, you guys just haven't figured it out yet. Yes, we definitely need to communicate. I mean, there has to be a conversation about it because we can't just keep going on trying to read each other or trying to figure out. We're both thinking different things, right? Yeah, exactly. And that's the conversation, sweetie. That's what you just said to me is like,

you can even blame me. It's talked to sex with Emily. And she said, and I didn't know what to do because I love you so much. And our intimacy in our sex life is so important. I feel like we've hit this crossroads. I want this, everything you just said, and then I'm saying.

And then see what he says. And from a place of loving and make sure your tone is like, you know, more, you know, lighter and not like a serious thing, even though sex is serious, serious, but you know, so it just takes all the pressure off of it. And then once you start to have this dialogue with him, it's going to get, you know, it'll get easier, but you've got to start getting some more information. So. And so I totally agree with you. And I'm going to ask you one problem.

Sure. I can't answer that. But when you know, when you get to a place in your relationship or you're like, okay, that we're just not on the same page, this isn't working. I don't know if we'll ever get to a point where that will ever happen or if we'll get to a better stage, but is there like a time in your relationship or you're like, okay? I mean, you're not, I'm telling you, you haven't even scratched it. I just forget because you haven't even talked about the sense that you're so far from that point. I know that you feel like you're there because that happens because you're in your head about it. You've created every scenario in your head, like maybe he's having a affair, maybe he's gay or maybe he doesn't love you anymore. He has six girlfriends in another country.

Like, I understand that we create all these things and none of those are true. They're just your mind. So I would say that it's kind of great because it's sort of a clean slate right now because you haven't had that real conversation yet. Because you don't know when those house. You're not alone, some of them.

There's a thing wrong with you, like this is why I have a job because I help people figure out that like, no, we talk about everything else but sex in our relationships. So you're like most people on the planet. And to answer your question, so you're not even there, you haven't even started, but when I can tell people already,

it's when they've tried everything. They've gone to therapy for a year. They've tried, they've talked, they made changes, they started having sex outside the bedroom, they brought toys, they communicated, they cried, They started having sex outside the bedroom. They brought toys. They Communicated they cried they left like they did the work and when you when you know when you've done the work You'll know but I would say you're just starting out so you're not there yet even though you feel so try to peel back all the things You've created in your head and just talked to about the facts And do you think that we should go see somebody? Oh, yeah. I mean, I get tired of myself saying this sometimes,

but absolutely. I'm telling you that every couple needs therapy. They just do. You get to an impasse, especially because you guys have been together and it's been going on for a while. And I feel like every couple needs it. I don't care if you've been together six months or six years. If you could afford it and you can make the time,

which I think every couple, you can figure it out. It is the most useful thing you could afford it and you can make the time, which I think every couple, like you can figure it out, it is the most useful thing you could do because we're just, it's a third part of it and come in and they're not biased to either one of you and they can, it's a mediator and they can help you. They'll teach you skills, a therapist, if you commit to going once a week for a few months, like even after the first few sessions,

you're gonna learn skills to communicate on a level that works for both of you, that you never would have figured out on your own. So yes, I think therapy is a great place to start. And are you talking about effects therapists or just a therapist in general? I think somebody to... I think a marriage and family therapist,

to kind of, it will be equipped to, but you can also call them, and here's my other top advice, is that not every therapist works for everybody? So my advice would be get two names from friends of yours, or from your insurance company, two to three. And I would say go together because he might like someone, you might like someone, not like the other person,

and then once you find your person, you're in, and it gets so healthy and so helpful for couples. So I absolutely recommend it. Okay, amazing. Thank you so much. You're so welcome. You got this. You're just starting out. It's beginning today. Thank you so much. You're so welcome, Samo. You deserve great sex.

My pleasure. I pleasure. Have a great night. I love her podcast by the way. Thank you. I love that. Thank you for listening. I so appreciate it. Have a great night. Bye, Samo. You too. Thanks. I love that you guys love the podcast and you listen. So thank you, Samhar, and thanks everyone for these calls. And let me just say this, you guys, I am a huge fan of therapy. You know that I think that every couple can benefit from it. I think that couples just the more you start talking about things, it's going to help you and just know that you'll know when you've done everything.

And if you haven't gone to therapy and you haven't had conversations with your partner yet in a way that isn't screaming and isn't yelling and isn't fighting but real conversations then I'd say you haven't done the work yet. Alright guys that was fun. I love talking to you. Oh my god it's a favorite thing. Please please please email me and check that box that you want to be called. So fun. Thank you everyone, I appreciate it. Thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.