Sex With Emily - Sex Goals For The Win

Episode Date: February 3, 2021

The best sex of your life doesn’t happen by chance. If it did, we’d all be having it. In this episode, I share my own sex and dating intentions for the year and help you plan your own. I guide you through our new Pleasure planner with my teammate Amanda, and we explore how prioritizing your sex life will benefit your overall life. I also answer questions about confidence in the bedroom, STIs and condoms, and if it’s possible to repair a relationship after someone cheats. If you need some inspiration to create your own sex and love goals, download our free Pleasure Planner sexwithemily.com/downloadsFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So maybe you get on top and you just start to move around slowly and you just start to take control. Maybe take his hand and gently put on your breasts or put it where you want it. Being really kind about it, but just think, hey, this would feel good. Take their hand and go do this. Do that. Like, hopefully it'll be cool. Oh, God, thank God, I want to know.

Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a male obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Betrubize. They call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

Alright, I am setting you up with a year of pleasure in this episode. Okay, maybe you made a New Year's resolution, maybe not. What I've realized about resolutions is that they kind of set us up for failure. They're often unattainable and then we end up feeling worse. So I figured with January out of the way, let's check in on your New Year's intentions that maybe you forgot about. Are you on track? Are you staying committed? Are you sexually satisfied? Does your love life need some inspiration? What about your personal life? Maybe you're taking time off to work on yourself. I check in on my own intentions, what I your personal life? Maybe you're taking time off to work on yourself.

I check in on my own intentions, what I share with you, and I talk through our new pleasure planner with one of our teammates, Amanda, to discuss how we're gonna prioritize our pleasure and how it will indeed benefit your life. I also answer questions about SDIs and condoms, how to ask for what you want in the bedroom and how to heal relationship if your partner cheated.

So to follow up on that, we have a new website. It just launched, and we have a brand new section that's free downloads. We've got guides. So for example, this pleasure planner is a free download. We also have our brand new YesNo Maybe list. We have an edging 101. We have the three T's of communication. I just really wanted to make it easier for you to get answers to your questions. I hope you like the new site. So that's my Valentine's day gift to you.

So if you want to create your own sex and love goals, just check out our pleasure planner at sexwithemily.com slash downloads. And another thing I want to remind you is that this is a great show to listen to with a partner. A lot of couples listen together. It's sort of your sex therapy, but you don't have to go to someone's office. You can have me talk you through it. You can stop it. You know in the middle and say, Hey, what do you think about what she just said? Should we try that? So it's another way to facilitate healthy communication in your relationship. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it.

I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? What spoke to you? Maybe it's, oh wow, I never said any New Year's intentions, but I really want to make sure that I have a successful year in the sex department. And my intention is just to help you have all the pleasure you want and need this year. And I know this episode is going to do it for you.

All right, enjoy the show. So let's talk a little bit about pleasure. You know, I always say I'm here to prioritize your pleasure and help us have more pleasure. But do you ever think like what is your relationship to pleasure? And there's a lot of different theories around why it's so hard for us to experience pleasure and one of them is there's a fear of loss, like we subconsciously or not. We deny ourselves pleasure because we think if I go out there and I try to get pleasure I won't get pleasure. We want to protect ourselves from suffering. We want to protect ourselves from loss.

And so I thought that was kind of interesting because you know we always say if you study any sort of Eastern philosophy It's all about non-attachment and not being attached to things. But it's really hard to do when you think, well, if I look forward to this thing, it might not happen. Or if I get excited about a new partner, maybe they're going to disappoint me. And we just hold back from allowing ourselves to experience pleasure. So I think that that's part of it, that we try so hard to stay alive and to be in our, you know, I got to work hard and I got to be a good friend and a good lover and a good daughter, good son or all the things.

And so hard to stay alive and to do all the things that we do to sort of check all the boxes that we think is pleasure or something that we're gonna come to later. Only if I deserve it, only if I've checked all the boxes do I deserve pleasure. And so we deny ourselves any forms of pleasure often. And when I deserve it. Only if I've checked all the boxes, do I deserve pleasure. And so we deny ourselves any forms of pleasure often. And when I think of pleasure, I think

of it as something that is, I don't know, I guess I think it's like, it's about being alive and about being present and being aligned and open. I feel like when I'm in a pleasurable state, I feel more creative and I feel more inflow. And so I'm here to say and for today that we actually require pleasure, pleasure is our birthright everyone. And I just want us all to have a more pleasurable year, especially after, you know, the last year a lot of us have had. We don't, we haven't really been able to feel that we even deserve it. There's a lot of suffering in the world, but there's so many benefits to actually fusing your life with Bouts of Pleasure. So those are some of the reasons I think it's just interesting to think about your relationship to pleasure because today we have a new pleasure planner that we have on our

website and it's something that you can download. I'm going to walk through it with Amanda who's here with me. So you guys can actually figure out your relationship to pleasure when it's meant to you in the past and then how to actually do the work and prioritize pleasure. And even though we created it, I hadn't done it yet and I sat through it and I thought, wow, this is really going to be powerful. So I'm excited for you all to hear about it. Amanda, my content coordinator is joining me here today. Hi, Amanda.

Hello. Are you proud of me? Of course, of course. And thank you for having create this wonderful planner. So, she was talking about the experience of the planner and what people can expect. Yeah. So, the pleasure planner is about seven pages. And there are two big main sections. One is reflect where you're invited to look back and think about some moments that really meant a lot to you. We encourage people to maybe look through old iPhone photos or go on a walk so they can like clear their mind. And then it starts off with sections about, okay, so let's reflect on our pleasure.

Let's look back on this past year and ask ourselves some questions and see what comes up. No pressure, just doing a little research. Right, and then we go ahead and we start helping you plan it. We're going to walk through it a minute, but Amanda, whoop. So, what's been your experience with pleasure? What you were saying earlier about how pleasure felt like something we needed to earn through hard work really resonated with me, especially in regards to sex. I never, not never, but when I was younger, I did not connect sex and pleasure. Sex felt like this thing that I was supposed to do at some point, I started having sex

as a teenager, like a lot of people do, and it was not at all focused on pleasure. It was more to do it honestly, and I had a healthy entrance into sex, like nothing traumatic or anything like that, but still it was so much more focused on my male partner's pleasure than it was for me. And I was in two long-term relationships, and I didn't orgasm with a partner until after I graduated college. And that, to me, was such a profound experience. The partner was not healthy, but the sex was great, which I think is a right of passage. Right. It is a right of passage. Unhealthy partners, great sex. That's part of me, and I guess. But that experience did teach me that I could own my pleasure during sex.

I think I talked about it with you before. He was the person who called me out on faking my orgasms. I love it. I don't love it, but that story was such a... A lot of us fake or have fake orgasms or are still faking orgasms, we don't encourage it. But the fact that he called you out on an arrest run was a slight. I don't. Yeah, so I realized that pleasure could be a part of sex that was meant for me to. And the older I got and the more experience I had, I realized that healthy partners

aren't going to just look at you after they're done with sex and say, oh, did you finish? They're going to make it a team effort. And I think that what this pleasure planner does is yes, it is very much so grounded in your sexual pleasure. But beyond that as well, it's encouraging you to look for pleasure in all facets of your life. And because sexual pleasure is something that I feel like is so hard for so many of us to access, when you start accessing sexual pleasure, you're able to find more areas in your life where you can find a similar level of enjoyment. Yeah, exactly.

Like there are other things that it might take a bit to think about. What are those things that give you pleasure? You know, for me, it's like seeing friends being in nature. You know, these are so unique. I think a lot of us have it, but when you make a list of all the things that give you pleasure, I mean, I don't know how long you're list might be, maybe 10, 15, 20. And then you get to look at this and kind of plug it in, how I have to make sure. So when I say prioritize your pleasure, I don't just mean orgasms.

It's like, I'm going to try to see friends twice a week. I'm going to make sure that I'm in nature. I'm going to make sure that I'm gardening or shopping or if you have a healthy relationship with it, whatever it is that gives you joy. So let's get into it. The pleasure planner. So we built it in two ways. Like you could do it on your own or you and your partner could feel that together. You could fill out separately and come together. We just want you to spend some time going through it. So in the first section, the pleasure reflections, I sat down and I was like, oh God, this year with COVID, was it that I have that much pleasure, but it was so great to go through it and

think, oh, I did have some great sex. I thought the best sex I had this year was when, okay, so here's one of the benefits of doing this show for a while. I have a partner, I've had a few partners this year, several, I'm not in a committed relationship, but I do have a few lovers that circle about. And so a few of them listen to the show. I used to discourage that, I used to think, oh, if they listen, they're gonna have judgment, but I think I'm in a much different place now. And I just, I'm like, please listen. I talk about what's

good, what I like all the time. And I would say the best sex I had was when I came home and this partner, this was pre-COVID. And I came home and he had, I gave him a coat to my house and he came in and he got me sushi from my favorite place, sugarfish. And he had, I gave him a coat to my house and he came in and he got me sushi from my favorite place, sugarfish. And he made me a cocktail and he had gone into my room when I have these underbed restraints from sport sheets that are under my bed, which makes sense. But it means that they're always there, but I don't, and he's heard me say on the show I don't often use them.

And he had pulled them out. I didn't even go into my room because we had dinner. And it was just so nice to come home. Because what I found is what robs me of pleasure a lot. And even of sexual experiences is that I get home or maybe I'll rush out to a date or something will happen. And I don't have that in between moment to get back into my body, to relax,

to feel ready for connection with someone else. And so I think what happened was I came home and I took a shower and he was like, that's okay, I'm just setting things up. And then I was able to have those moments to decompress and then I came out and he had my favorite meals and drinks and we got to talk and connect, which is all things that are really important to me. I need to feel connected. If we hadn't talked all week, like, what's going on with you? Here's what's going on with me. And then we went into my room.

They had walked in there and he had it all set up with my toys out that I liked and my restraint things. And he knows that I've been wanting to do more of that. And he just sort of led the charge. He was like, I'm in charge. Like, put this blindfold on. I'm going to do all these things. And it was sort of this, if I say that was the best sex I had,

for me it was because it was like, I didn't have to be in charge. I didn't have to think so much. I had felt listened to. I had felt that he was there for me. He lit a massage candle and just sort of knew me so well in that moment. And then, you know, the most excellent sex ensued. That's a really powerful reflection. So what did you learn from yourself from that reflection?

Well, I learned that it's easier than I thought to let go and to allow myself to receive, because I still had that, even after this whole night that was about me and my pleasure, I thought, well, what do you need? Can I, he's like, babe, you give me so much. I've had so much pleasure with you, and I know hard work, and I wanna just be here for you. So what it's done is, or something that I wanna continue

to work on, continuing to allow myself to remember that my partner, especially the ones I'm with now, because we've all been with people who are not invested in our pleasure, but the partners I'm with now want to please me. They've had enough orgasms in their life. They're not into like, I have to come every time or I need all these things, although they usually do,

that they are the partners who get off when I'm pleased. Like I'm with someone now who, so have you been through this experience Amanda have you been with guys who go down on you and maybe they do it for a while and do a completion but they they don't seem as turned on like they're like okay now you gotta go down on me because I'm not as a rouse but for me this really works that this partner has like an erection he's like ready to go like it is such a turn on for him to go down on me and he's like I just want to you right now because he's just so turned

on by my orgasm, which is, I believe that's the ideal partner for me, but that doesn't always happen. Not to say it's bad if your partner doesn't have a reaction or, you know, he needs something else. I'm saying for me, it was just, it was such a delight. So I think what I learned is that reinforced myself that I can find partners who are invested in my pleasure. And it's just as much of a turn on for them as it is for me. Oh, that's beautiful. And I had, when you said, um, have you ever experienced this? One of the sections is I felt the most pleasure when dot dot dot. And this might be grass,

but I literally wrote writing my boyfriend's face. Right, not at all. Right away, sister. Yeah, I was like, this heat was just like hop on and a similar thing, having somebody be so enthusiastic about giving to you, I think is really powerful, especially when you work so hard and your focus is so proactive, you're so in control. I mean, you own a business, so you're controlling a lot that to relinquish that control can be a really powerful, pleasurable moment. And I think that's

great things to realize. Yeah, exactly. And that's why I want to go back to the restraints. I feel like some of the gloss over these things and assume that you all know them, but that's the ultimate power though. These Velcro straps, there's four restraints, two at the top of the bed and two at the bottom of the bed. So they go around my hands and they go around my feet. And then it's all like I couldn't move. And it's such an easy way to do a little bit of light bondage because there's like Velcro on it and it's easy to use. So I just wanted to go back because I know there might be questions that come in on that. So Amanda, when did you feel most connected to yourself the last year?

Right around the time that the stay-at-home orders in California went into place. And this was before I was working with you, MLA. And my previous job was for, I was furloughed from it indefinitely. And I had a few writing clients and freelance social clients who were kind of in this purgatory place and they weren't sure what to do. So I was pretty scared, you know, I wasn't sure what was going to happen.

It was weird to be home all the time. And I started doing breath work. And if people here who are listening to this have not tried breath work, it is like taking up the trash for your brain. It is an amazing experience. And I started doing that and just had these really deep moments where I had flashbacks to various times in my life, because it does open up something for you. It's like a very deep form of meditation. And previous to doing the breath work,

I'd been really hard on myself, like thinking crazy thoughts, like, oh, I should have seen a pandemic coming. I should have had different clientele. I should be working with clients who aren't just in the event space, because events were on pause. And when I was doing the breath work,

I thought back to these moments of my life where I had made these decisions that felt very authentic to me and very in line with me. And it helped me realize that I was on a really good path and being really authentic to myself. And that was, Wow. And incredibly, I love breath work.

I love breath work. Yeah, I mean, breath work to me is something that was, wow. And the great, yeah, I love breath work. Do you still, yeah, I mean, breath work to me is something that I, we store so much in our, so many emotions in our body that when you do the deep breath work, it's so powerful and it releases things and you feel just so centered and so grounded. I think it's something that you're reminding me now too. Like I have to, I would like to go back to it

and do more, are you still doing it now, Amanda? Not as much as I should be. Should. Yeah. When I, the thing is, that's why I love this pleasure planner is because I looked back and thought, I love giving breath work. I'm gonna make time for it now.

Right, and now we can do it online. Did you do it online with someone? Or you just did it on your own? Yeah, I did it through Zoom. One of my girlfriend has an events company that does her company's called on our moon. I think it's on pause right now because she's about to have a baby,

but she does these wellness activities online that are really healing and they're a beauty. This reminds me, Den talks. My friend Tal has a company called Den, and now they have Denanywear.com, and they have breathwork classes, and I highly recommend that you try out. She's got a lot of different kinds of modalities

of breathwork, but this is all great because this is gonna get you into your body and make you allow you to feel more pleasure once you do more breathwork, because right after I did it, it was so much more powerful. My orgasms were more powerful. I was able to connect with partners more too. And I also one of my other experiences was I felt most desirable

when I had another experience this year with a partner that was really into Tantric sex. And it was just like a fleet. I was only with him for he was in town for a short while and it was just like one of those beautiful, like few weak romance and he was more vehilar and then we would do breath work and then we would do, we would continue it into our love making, into our sex life and we would just kind of breathe together and it was just, I felt like my ability to connect

and orgasm, I didn't have as many thoughts in my head that were, is it my turn? I'm like, I don't know, you know, the things I still do, just so you know, we talk about it all the time. I mean, you all email me often about how do I get out of my head. It is, you're never done. You're, it still comes up for me. Things come into my head.

I worry about things, but now I have tools and breath. It's a key tool that helps me. And so was there anything else that stuck out on this first page for you, the pleasure reflections that you were excited about Amanda? Yeah. So my most desirable was before COVID, my boyfriend and I went to a concert together that was walking distance from my house. And I wore like a schoolgirl mini skirt,

a crop top and a choker. And it was February or January. So I was wearing a coat over it, like the leather jacket. But when I took it off at the concert, he was so in awe. And he was so just like, holy shit, like this. And it was one of his favorite bands that halfway through the concert,

he was like, we need to go home. Like, we need to go home. Right now, I have to take that off of you. Oh my God, yeah. You talk so much about spontaneity and that was spontaneous and exciting and that was a fun memory to look back on and I thought, I'm gonna dress up more,

just because obviously the fear has been different and none of us are going out to concerts or even bars anymore. But I thought, I'm gonna dress sexy more often. Why not? It's super inspiring. One of my, when we jump ahead, that was something that I had talked about was

my pleasure goals, one of them was to dress up more because I realize that that's something that I don't and I've talked about this in the show before for whatever reason and I feel sexy. I just, I don't prioritize it, but I've all this cute laundry and cute things that I feel good in that I feel sexy and I often just don't do it or I don't make enough time to actually prepare for sex and for me that are just a feeling sexy and so one of mine was to work out in the new year, like doing more dress up and more playing. So then we also throw in here.

It's kind of partial yes, no, maybe list, which we often talk about on the show, which is, it just gives you a bunch of things to think about. Are these things interesting to me? And we just listed like edging and oral and anal play making out costumes and watching porn and you can just kind of circle some of these and try some things new. So if you just need some ideas, we have them in there for you. And then we get into predictions of what you're going to commit to in the future. Like this year I will try, this year I will try more dressing up was my first one.

And then I said more and more partner played anal on my partner because that's something new that I've been with more of my penis having partners that are into it. And I just, I don't know, I think in the past I just hadn't really prioritized it. I hadn't had many partners who were down and curious. So more pleasure for them too, which would give me pleasure. But dressing was the first one. I know. It's going to be a billion.

I love the combination of that. Right? Yeah. One for me, one for you. Yeah. So what about here, Emma, and this predictions? So one thing that I've learned while working here is that your body can memorize how you orgasm and that that's often why we find that we can only orgasm with a certain toy or in a certain position.

And I feel like I've kind of gotten myself stuck in that where I'm like, I can only have an orgasm in a specific way. So that's one thing I want to learn this year. I want to learn how to have orgasms in different positions both with myself and with my partner. So I think that'll be something fun to it. That is a great thing to explore. You just part of something really great. So it's like, it's like people ask us all the time, how come I can work as a with my vibrator or this certain way. So everything's possible. Everything is a practice. So I love that you can orgasm in one way, everyone, but I'm here to tell you you can orgasm in a lot of ways. Yeah, I'm super excited to try that. Oh, good, Amanda. See now we get to check in a year from now and see how it's going. So actually, when I ask you though, Amanda, let me ask you this, how are you going to go about learning to have different kinds of orgasm?

What's do you have a plan yet or things you want to start trying? Yeah, so earlier when I was doing the reflect section, I wrote down that I learned that it is sexy to communicate your needs. I think that it's something that I've always been really shy about, thinking it's unsexy to tell my partner, oh, spend more time doing this or move your hand that way. But I've gotten so much better at that with my partner and having conversations with you and being so much more open about my

sex life. So I think what I'm going to do is just be very vocal about my needs and if we're trying things in a different position than normal, I'm just going to tell him we're gonna do some experimenting,'re going to do some playing around here. Let's try this. Let's try using this toy and making it kind of like an experiment. Just to see if you can make it. And then roll that. Yeah, I love that idea.

I could roll him in your pleasure. You could even do this with him, you know, this pleasure planner. But also, yeah, saying this is because I think that like again, I'm well saved again. I probably already said this episode that your partner wants to please you. And so in rolling them, rather than looking at it as like, oh, it's going to be a demand on them and they're going to resent me for it, but saying, hey, let's try some new things this year.

This is for me. This would help me. This would help you. And that's when you really have that whole beautiful cycle of giving and receiving where the lines are blurred. And you just, you give, you give, give you give receive give receive and then it just becomes A beautiful exchange. I love that then the last page of it is we talk about planning your pleasure And then what your intentions are we ask you your intentions and then we get into your

Goals for the year how you know what you want the year to feel like do you want something what are your pleasure goals Amanda for the year? This is going to become a combo one. I want to try new room massage slash incorporate more massage play. Whether that's with a massage oil candle or like a special massage oil, lube hybrid. But my boyfriend's like obsessed with new room massage and it's kind of like an investment because you have to buy a special sheet for it. It's this, you've probably heard of it, but I'll say what it is, just in case people with things don't know,

but it's when you oil both of yourselves up and you give each other massages with your body on this like special sheet. Yes. And it looks so fun. So I know the founders, so funny says I met the founders of it at a conference once here and they were awesome.

And did you get some already? No, but I did get the massage candles that you talk about. Oh, the Kiki one or the, oh, good. The Kiki mom partners. Is it great? Have you used it yet? No, I ordered it. That was part of me trying to stick to my pleasure, Goldo.

That's like step one, get the candle. You always talk about it and me and it just flies the candle. It's amazing, you guys. Essentially, it's a candle, and it's not, don't try this at home with a regular wax candle, but it's not made of wax, it's made of massage oil. So when you light it, you light it for a few minutes, blow it out, and then you pour it on your partner, and it's

not like hot or messy. It might be a little bit messy when you're like, but it's not sticky, it doesn't ruin your sheets. But you pour it on them and it's like this warm, luxurious oil. And then you can massage them and then you can get on top of them. It's sort of new roulette and that you both get really slippery sliding. It's a fun experience. So one of my pleasure goals is more breath work

and tantra actually. So now I'm inspired. I hope you guys are inspired too. You guys should totally check out our pleasure planner. Let me know what you think of it. And then you have to actually sign it and commit. And I commit to yourself, you know, and we don't want to break agreements to ourselves, right?

So I'm wishing you guys so much pleasure this year. Thank you so much Amanda for joining me to walk this through, but remember, try it with yourself, try it with our partner, and let's just make this the sexiest year yet. When we come back, I'm talking to Jessica, who's wondering if it's okay to have sex with her new partner without a condom. Okay, let's talk to Jessica 34 in Oregon. Hi, Jessica. What's going on? Thanks for calling.

Hi, Emily. Hi, thanks. You know, I was just wanting your opinion. I'm seeing someone in a fairly new, it's only been about a month, or a little over a month. And you just wanted your opinion on having facts without a condom. And when it's typical that people that are dating and having facts generally stop using them. It's a great question, Jessica.

I love that you're thinking this way, because in a perfect world, we would all get tested every few months, and then you would compare results and if you if you've decided to be exclusive with your partner and you both find out that you are negative Then you would be safe to not be using condoms But otherwise you just don't know right mean your partner could be a carrier and then you could still get like herpes for example But not have symptoms, but not have symptoms. He might not have symptoms. So you're really just, I mean, if you're both down with getting tested and then sharing those results, that's what I recommend.

And then you'll feel you'll have peace of mind. Absolutely. Yeah. So I would say keep using condoms until you know and hopefully we'll get tested. Okay. Thank you very much for that. Sure. Of course, Jessica. Yeah, anytime.

Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. We've got to be safe, you guys. Listen, here's the great news about COVID. It got us comfortable talking about safety. Have you been wearing a mask? Are you washing your hands? Do you have a pod?

Are you safe? And oh, by the way, do you have an STD? Do you have an STI? Find that stuff out. Just kind of lob it in there all together. Have the safety conversation and just have it about everything. I've done the things where I was like, oh, well, it's already been a few weeks, so we might as well stop

using condom. That makes no sense. That makes no sense. You don't know. You've no idea. No idea. Let's talk to Jason, 37 in Texas. Hi, Jason.

What's going on? So about four years ago, my wife had gone back to her home state to visit some family members up there, came back home. Something seemed off, so went through her Google account and found some interesting as well. She was up there. So can front of her about it, she denied denied. Turns out while she was up there, she met with one of her ex-boyfriends from her past. And it went from, I was just, uh, pointed in to a few days later finding out that it was actually an arranged bang and that they had been talking for a few months. So we're still together to this day. Okay. But here lately I think a lot of that is starting to kind of just turn that ugly little demon inside of me now with the jealousy still and the questioning everything. We haven't gone to see a therapist yet which is my fault. I just kind

of looked at her and said, oh, you feel bigger without yourself because I did nothing wrong, style thing. So now we are still looking for a good one. It's just kind of hard right now with the COVID and everything, but because I do want this relationship. Oh, good, Jason. I'm so glad because you're absolutely right. People, it happened four years ago,

but now you said you're a little bit more jealous, you're a little more suspicious, and that's going to infiltrate all other parts of your relationship. And you can find someone in COVID and see them on Zoom, you know, on therapist on Zoom. Definitely. And that's the route we do plan on going. And, you know, just my nature and being a man is just like, I don't know, I can handle it. I'm okay. And I can't do that. No, you can't. Jason, I love that. I'm so more humble about it.

Right, take good, because it's going to just strengthen your relationship. It's just going to make it stronger, you know, to see what comes up and then you maybe you'll get some practices in place so you don't have those feelings anymore. But that's very healthy, Jason. I'm glad that you noticed that and that you're going to get some help for it. It'll only make you stronger. And you'll be suffering less than you are now. Of course!

Thank you, Jason. Bill and I do appreciate you. It was great. I don't think I came to the realization of that and I listened to your show, so I do appreciate you for that. Of course, Jason. I'm here for you. I'm so glad you found the show.

Thank you for calling. I appreciate it. Let's talk to Hannah 20 in Hawaii. Aloha. Aloha. Hi. Hi. Yeah, so I had a question.

I guess so generally in my day-to-day life, I'm like a pretty confident person. But like as soon as I start to have sex with someone, I become timid. And so I wondered if you had any advice for how to become more confident. Yeah. Like, no, it makes so much sense, and it's such a good question, Hannah.

So, well, first off, you're 20 years old. So, I'm going to get you. Have you had a lot of experience with sex? Yeah. OK. For my age, I'd say. OK, for your age. OK, but meaning, meaning, have you just

had a lot of experiences like one-off experiences or have you been in, like like over a longer term relationship? Some of those Okay, because because what I found is confidence comes from there's a few things involved The first one is feeling with you're with a safe and trusted partner that you can explore and be yourself and But one the first most important thing is being comfortable with your own body when you're alone and that would be masturbation Really understanding your body and what feels good and how to have an orgasm and what, you know, that's a practice. Because when you have that, you know what turns you on.

Then when you're with a partner, you know, know how to move and know what feels good. So what's your masturbation practice like? Um, I do, I masturbate. I don't know. Cool. What's your masturbation practice like? I do, I masturbate, I don't know. Oh, cool. No Hannah, I didn't tell you. I was 25, so I'm just curious. Nope, no judgment here. Most, a lot of people don't masturbate.

Do you use your hands or do you want to ask some questions? Toys, hands, how often do you do it? I have a womanizer and then I just got it. I had like a vibrator that wasn't great before. And sometimes hands, yeah. All right, well that's good. And you have an orgasm and you okay?

So what happens, so then you get into the bedroom and are you talking more about confident in which in certain positions or do you want to leave your shirt on? Like how does it manifest your confidence in the bedroom? Not mad. Confidence in like I want to be a little more like vocal about what makes me feel good. And I get like like the idea of saying like don't do that do this. Like that kind of terrifies me a little.

Oh yeah. That's a practice. That's a practice. Yeah. Okay. So we'll just know this. That your partners want to please you. They're not mind readers.

And I used to think that men knew. I just kind of thought that men were born to know what. They're not mind readers. And I used to think that men knew, I just kind of thought that men were born to know what women want or what I wanted. And I didn't have to talk about it. But it turns out that is not the case. And so learning to talk about sex is also something that we just have to practice. And so I think like the best thing to do

is talk about it outside the bedroom when you're just do a boyfriend now. No. Okay. Or just when you're with somebody then if it's like a one night stand or whatever, I think that you can just say, you know, it would be so hot right now if you went down on me or you kissed my neck or you know, it take your fingers out because I liked what you were doing with your mouth and you just say it and like, is that what you mean?

Like in the moment. Yeah. You could just say, I want to get on top. Or can we go back to kissing? That felt really good when we were making out. What kind of things do you want that you aren't getting? It's more like, if I'm having sex, sometimes I'm like, I'm just the body, like the boy doesn't need me here.

So I want to feel like I'm value. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does make sense. So you feel like you have sex. Maybe you make out for a second, then you're on the bottom. He's on top and he's pounding away. You like a jackhammer, perhaps. Yeah, pretty much.

Okay. Yeah. Okay. So Hannah, this happens because they don't know what they're doing either and they want to go really fast and pound away because that's what they do with their hand and that's what they see in porn. But I'm on a mission to help people understand that especially men who don't really know or they learn important and since women aren't comfortable, a lot of women don't know how

they speak up about it that this is also teaching them because you're both, you know, you're young, you're 20, so you don't, even if you told me you, oh, you've had a lot of partners, it still doesn't mean you have enough experience on the planet of sleeping with different partners and so I love that you're asking this Hannah because it because practicing now will set you up for a lifetime of great communication And so if it's someone that you're hanging out with more though I have three teas of communication which are timing and tone and turf and usually I say like you don't want to talk about it In the bedroom like if you want to have a conversation It's outside the bedroom because in the bedroom

Maybe you're turned on. He's turned on and he's got an erection and he's like, she's gonna talk to me now and I wanna have sex and so it just can get confusing. And then also your tone should be light and curious. Hey, let's talk about sex. So what are you into? Let me tell you some things that I'm into.

I really like when we go slow. When we make out and you take my clothes off slowly, that is so hot. I love when a guy kisses my neck. And your tone is curing. Tell me what you're into. You know? And then the timing is when you are just chilling

with someone, maybe you're walking or you're having dinner or you're just hanging out and not in the bed. Those are my tips if you're talking, you know, if there's someone that you actually want to sleep with more than once and you're hanging out with, you could say, let's put your fantasy, what turns you actually want to sleep with more than once and you're hanging out with, you could say, let's, what, what, what your fantasy would turn you on.

And then you start to like talk about it. So that's one thing, but it sounds like you're talking in the moment. You want a guy to like slow it down, be make a kiss in your breasts and like slow, like making sure that you're pleased. But guys, a lot of men, and I want to say it's guys, you're, your age and they're 20s, but I'm telling you, I'm guys in their 40s and they don't know this. I believe that men don't really know how to please women unless they actually have a partner who tells them or they do some research and they listen

to my show. So you haven't probably been with a guy who understands that yet. And so what do you think it looks like that you want? You said you want to be more active. I mean, I think that a way of doing that is finding positions that feel good to you. So maybe you get on top and you just start to move around slowly and you just sort of start to feel, you know, breathe into your body, breathe into your pelvic floor,

and just sort of take control. I mean, that's what I maybe take his hand and gently put it on your breasts or put it where you want it And I'm telling you the guys that will say to you, oh, what are you doing? No, that's not your people Guys, you were like, oh, yeah, great. I'm getting some instructions. This is what I want I mean guys I think they want to know but then their egos can be in this goes for all genders You know a lot of times when we give advice during sex people feel like oh god, I'm doing something wrong And you know, so I think that being really Kind about it, but just think, hey, this would

feel good. Take their hand and go do this. Do that. Like, hopefully it'll be cool. They're like, oh, God, thank God, I want to know. But then once you practice this, even if it's one's hand, there's no, let me tell you something. There's no arriving at a point where you are just confident, bad all the time.

It is a pro-life long thing. But the more you do it, like the next time you're with someone, if you're like, okay, I'm going to show you what I want once during this sex session. That's how it happens. Then the more you do it, the more you're going to gain confidence. Because you're like, that felt really great. It felt really good to empower myself and help them. So, it's that kind of thing. It's really just a practice. And a lot of it has to do with slowing down and not allowing the guys to set the pace And even saying let's slow down a minute. I do it all the time. I'm like slow down

I say it nice. They say oh, just slow down like let's like a guy. Even I love oral sex. Don't get me wrong Where's the guy goes down to me? It's too quick and I was like no, let's let's go back to making out. Let's slow this down I mean are you having orgasms in pleasure with them? Not usually, so that's also what I'm looking for. No, I'm hearing you. I'm hearing you, you know, and so, but again, I don't, I'm gonna say, give these guys that you sound like a really nice woman, that I'm gonna get

that the guys you're choosing probably want to, but they don't know how. Now, are you having orgasms on your own when you're masturbating? Yeah. Okay, cool. You could even say, let own when you're masturbating? Yeah. Okay, cool. You could even say, let me show you this new toy I want. You could do mutual masturbation where you're getting off and they're getting off and they

could see what you like doing to yourself and then you watch what they're doing. So it's really, it's a confidence, I mean the confidence will also come in and actually doing what I'm saying. But then once you see how well it goes with the partners that you want to be with that are cool, that's how you learn. I've learned most of the my sex stuff from being in relationships with partners. I learn what I like and what I don't like. So that helpful?

Yeah, that was really, really helpful. Thank you. Oh, good. Of course, Hannah. Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. Keep me posted. I'm here every night.

Okay? Bye, Hannah, have a great weekend. Be right back with rapid fire questions where I answer a bunch of your questions in a limited amount of time, but first a quick word from our sponsors. Alright, should we do a little bit of rapid fire, we get a lot of e-bells from you guys, a lot of DMs. You slide into my DMs on Instagram, which is Sex with Emily, and I just want to be able to answer all of them. So let's try to answer some right now before we end the show for the night.

And now it's time for Rapid Fire with Dr. Emily. Alright, this is from a male 26 prostate play. How to do it? My boyfriend I haven't done it before, he wants a dabble. Prostate play. Use a lot of lube. Make sure that your fingers are washed and your nails are trimmed.

And you want to go very slow and just start with a pinky and start to explore, start with your pointer finger and make sure that he's warmed up and again, use lots of lube and communicate well and see how it feels. Female 23, I'm bisexual. I've never had an orgasm with a partner. Help. Super common to not orgasm with a partner,

but I would recommend that you have a conversation with your partner. Great way to start is mutual masturbation. Then you can see how each other get off and maybe your partner will learn something by watching you. Female for Instagram is casual sex bad for your mental health. I feel like I'm honest, sex free and I'm loving it.

You're the only one you can decide what is good for your mental health and what's bad for your mental health. Some people have shame overs, meaning they have casual sex, they wake up in the morning and they feel guilty and they feel horrible about it. That's not for you. But if you're having a good time right now with casual sex, I say keep going with it until it doesn't feel great anymore. Female 50 Instagram, which is sex with Emily, says, not a big fan of oral, what are other some for-play activities that you recommend? I don't know if you're talking about giving or receiving, but why don't you start with some central massage, take

turns with your partner, one of you where is a blindfold when receiving, and pay attention and breathe and see what other erogenous zones feel great when touched and massage. We have secondary erogenous zones, which can feel so good and so many of us have no idea they even exist on our body. This is from another female. She says, My boyfriend I only have sex once a week because we're both tired is that bad. Again, it's only bad if one of you isn't happy with the frequency of your sex life.

So remember that you both get to decide what works might be some compromise, but right now if you're tired your sex life and your libido is gonna ebb and flow throughout the lifetime of a relationship and so if it's working it's working. Okay, we have throughout the lifetime of a relationship. And so if it's working, it's working. Okay, we have female boyfriend watches porn. It's been three years. My boyfriend doesn't really have sex with me, but watches porn do I break up? I don't say you break up without talking to him about it. So I would let him know that you would really miss

the intimacy and that sex is important to you and sort of figure out how you can together co-create a healthy sex life and relationship that works for both of you. That's it for today's episode See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Family. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast. And share this with a friend or partner. Leave me if you got something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays and look out for a bonus episode every now and then.

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