Sex With Emily - Sex Hacks for Moms w/ Dana Myers

Episode Date: May 6, 2022

There’s a misconception out there, that once women become moms, their sexiest years are OVER. But as my guest Dana Myers explains, that’s nonsense – and as a mom, she can prove it.Dana is the founder of sex and beauty brand Booty Parlor, but she’s also a wife and mother to two children. On today’s throwback show, she shares secrets from her book “The Mommy Mojo Makeover” to help women rediscover their sensual self-confidence, fall back in love with their bodies, and masturbate for self-care. We also talk about resentment in a relationship (and how to fix it), and why mothers deserve a sense of sexual entitlement. Yes moms: you deserve sexual pleasure! If you want more of it – or know a mom who might – this is a can’t miss conversation. For More Dana B Myers:Booty Parlor | Website | Instagram | Twitter | Youtube | FacebookTry Dana’s pheromone fragrance & use code DANA15 Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

On my days where I'm practicing the tools and I'm practicing the habits, I feel like a ball of central energy and power. I feel like I can attract whatever I want. I can feel connected to the energy and my f*** like I feel it. I feel the excitement. I feel the turn on and I got gotta say going around with that fire lit up in my body feels so much better. So much better.

It's like rocket fuel. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. So there's a misconception out there that once women become moms, their sexiest years are over. But as my guest Dana Meyer explains, that's nonsense and as a mom, she can prove it. Data is the founder of Sex and Beauty brand, Booty Parlor. But she's also a wife and mother to

two children. On today's Throwback Show, she shares secrets from her book, The Mommy Mojo Makeover. To help women rediscover their sensual self-confidence, fall back in love with their bodies, and masturbate for self-care. We also talk about resentment in a relationship and how to fix it, and why mothers deserve a sense of sexual entitlement. Yes, moms, you deserve sexual pleasure. If you want more of it or no mom who might, this is a camp miss conversation. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it.

I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of this episode? My intention is to help normalize the notion that parents have lots of sex with each other or with themselves. It's a myth that having children immediately ends your sex life. And on today's show, Dana Mythbus set that for us, with the special focus on moms and motherhood. Please rate, review, sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show.

My article Ask Emily, How Do We End a Dry Spell is up at sexwithemlee.com. And check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily or call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show and totally cool to change your name if you want to remain anonymous. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Data Myers is an author, sex tech pioneer and founder of Booty-Par. She's also the creator of the Mommy Motto Makeover Workshop series. Live events that help moms learn to create a satisfying, sensual experience of motherhood

and rekindle intimacy with their partner after kids. Find more Dana at DanaBMeyers.com on Instagram at DanaMeyers, exo, exo, and Twitter at DanaBMeyers. Let's start with the women. How do we help them after kids? Oh, there's so many things that happen after kids. I mean, I think, you know, some of the most common problems are like this loss of self or this loss of identity. Like, I

was once a really sexy woman. And now I'm just in the mom's own. I've lost my libido. I'm saddled with all these domestic duties. I'm juggling work and family life. It's like when we're looking outside of themselves for their libido's. And there's this shift that has to happen. It's like, no, your libido still exists. It's there. we're looking outside of themselves for their libidos, and there's this shift that has to happen, it's like no, your libido still exists, it's there, but women don't feel so empowered to take control of it. So the workshops I do, the new digital program that I'm launching, it's all just like little bite-sized

tips and tools. Which is perfect for moms. It's so perfect. I have a whole- It has to be short. Yeah. I find that sometimes people talk about sex in these very lofty terms or very philosophical

ways, and women get overwhelmed. They say, I can't accomplish that. It's too much. And so I like to make it really simple for them. Yeah. Okay, that's good. You went through this and you've had kids. Yes.

Two kids. You had all of your kids of nine, you said, and almost six and almost nine. Okay. So yeah, you've had your handfuls. you went through the whole thing and you looked around and you're like, where the hell is my libido? And you've married for 16 years. Married for 14 years. Okay.

It is inside of you, but what about hormones? And how about being kind to yourself and saying, well, it's going to take some time to get your body back after you get your libido back? Once your hormones get somewhat in check again, and look, some women obviously have more severe hormonal issues, but once your hormones kind of level out after breast feeding and after birth, I think it's more about lifestyle changes, right? I really do.

Unless you can follow like a very sharp food protocol that's going to boost your libido. If you're a mom or really if you're just a busy woman who is out of touch with your libido, I think you have to address your exhaustion first, because if you're exhausted, you're probably not communicating with your partner, you're more irritable with them. You're not practicing enough self-care. So it's like, I always say if you're exhausted,

it's hard for your libido to thrive in that physical and mental space. So you gotta treat yourself like a baby. I always tell people, treat yourself like a baby. I always tell people treat yourself like a baby If you saw an exhausted baby who was crying and felt so irritated and was overtired You'd be like come here little baby. Let me wrap you in a blanket and put you down for a nap You know, and so it's like heal your exhaustion first take a nap rest more take stuff off your plate do less It's so hard though, what about mom guilt?

Like I feel bad and what about my kid? Like I have to give yourself the permission to not feel that way. It's like nobody else can do that mom guilt is so pervasive and it's so heavy and it comes at you. It comes at you from every angle. In almost every situation.

Yeah. So the only way to get out of that is to give yourself permission to do so. And even if it's daily permission. Minute by minute. Literally minute by minute permission. Oh, taking a nap. I can take a nap. I can't do laundry.

You can do laundry after the nap. After the nap, back to the nap. Yeah. This is what I have to do now for myself. Yeah. And giving yourself, I call it permission to ditch. Permission to ditch out on three things that are on your to-do list that are stressing you out

because you can't be in your feminine sexuality and your sexuality if you're depleted. It doesn't make sense to that, it's not possible. I know people are listening to you for sex advice and we're gonna get there, but you have to. No, no, no, no, no, have to. You guys know, no, we don't even have to, this is for everybody.

It's for everybody. It's for everybody. I'm learning learning that like because self-carester buzz word right now, and it's not just like getting a massage or no It's like it's saying no. It's doing less. No. It's napping. It's masturbating masturbating before you nap You know put those two together and it's like kill two birds with one stone But even if you are the busy mom I mean the busy entrepreneur Yeah, it's like it still is this like you're always doing and not being you know kill two birds with one stone. But even if you are the busy mom, I mean, the busy entrepreneur, I mean, the busy, whatever, it's like, it still is this like, you're always doing and not being, you know, you're always going, going, going,

and how do you just accept that it's okay to take time for yourself that you're better human, a better mom, a better everything. I mean, I think you can just literally stop looking the mirror and say, I'm giving my self permission to rest. I'm giving myself permission to skip that. I'm giving myself permission to say no to that extra meeting

or to that extra dinner. I'm giving myself the permission to say no to that school committee that's happening at your kid's school. It's like, nobody can do it for you. And that's the thing. And no is a full sentence. No is a full sentence. I love feeling that word in my mouth.

No, no. Yeah. No, I'm sorry, I'm not gonna work. No. Like, I love feeling that word in my mouth. No. No. No. I'm sorry, I'm not gonna work. No. But when we're pleasers or we feel guilt, and that's just natural to women, isn't it? That is.

It really is. So natural to us, is to please and to give, and then struggle to receive. And we need to reach out to friends too. Like, was that a big part of it? Finding the right friends. Community. The community.

Totally. And then within that community, nurturing the conversation about sex and sexuality and pleasure, right? It's like, because you're probably that friend of the group. I'm definitely that friend. You're that friend. You're the friend.

Yes, I'm that friend, you're that friend, but I always tell women if you don't have that friend, be that friend. That's right. That's such great advice. Yeah, and talk about what's going on. Because we're always assuming that all of our friends are having better sex than we are. And so what happens is when you open it up,

you know, you share problems and then you share solutions as well. And you can also discover new turn-ons just by talking about the question, what turns you on? Yeah. Something that your friend turns your friend on, you may be like, I never thought about that. That's an interesting example. I mean, okay. No, I love your story. That's yours. Could be a friend? Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay. So my friend, you know, has a sexual fantasy about hot steak, okay? It's actually my fantasy guy. Yeah, you know, I have this fantasy about hot steak being put on my body as foreplay. Now now I've had this fantasy for a long time. We've never done it Charlie and I text each other pictures of hot steak all the time I don't know why is this never happened Charlie

I'm not staying like bring lingerie or just sizzling on the grill so my husband is amazing on the grill right? So I get turned on by his food. I am turned on when he cooks for me I'm almost turned on I'm hot and horny right now. Okay. Thinking about him at the barbecue and like he creates these amazing meats and they're like golden and crispy and hot and these steam and it really turns me on. I'm turned on and so great.

So the next layer to that fantasy, because I'm always fantasizing, that's a huge key to having a high libido for me, is I'm constantly creating central inputs in my mind, right? So I think about the yummy food and then I get excited and then I'm like, well, why not like put a piece of that sizzling steak on my body and eat it off of me? You've told him that, you think that-

Oh no, he knows the full fantasy every detail. Right. The fact that we have not, you know, accomplished this, Yeah. brought this fantasy to life, I think it's just because when we're barbecuing, we always have friends over. The kids are so... But let's talk about fantasy for a minute. I feel like it is something that women, a lot of women are like, oh, they feel guilt about it.

Or they don't even know where to conjure up things. So I love that they have women sharing it. Women sharing it. And that's the truth. We were not taught in school or by our parents. Hey, fantasy is healthy, right? We were not taught that. So we didn't grow up with using fantasy as a healthy habit to increase our sexual energy.

And so talking about it with your friends being the leader opening up that conversation, not only, like, I don't know if any of my friends thought, oh yeah, steak turns me on too. But there might be one other weirdo out there in my group that actually thought, oh yeah, or that triggered, maybe that idea triggered something in them. Oh, I want to like whip cream off a straw bar. Exactly. Exactly. It's just sharing.

I like the way he makes my martini. That's right. You know what I mean? Like sharing is caring when it comes to sex talks. And you're always going to learn something from your friends when you open that conversation. Have you always been a big fan of Sizer? I have always been a big fan to Sizer, although I really started harnessing it as one of my core tools after having kids. Because I'd be at the grocery store and I'd be like, oh, I'm so tired. This sucks. I've got to get carrots that I've got a puree and steam and then freeze into little cubes and it's like, it's not sexy. There's so many aspects of motherhood that aren't sexy. And one day I was in Brooklyn looking at the carrots at the fresh market and I was like, those carrots are really, really sexy.

And then the mister came on and they were like getting all wet. And I was like, oh my god. And suddenly I transformed this mundane moment where I was sort of previously in a state of irritation. And then suddenly I was in a sexual fantasy. Not about using the carrot as a sex choice. But it was the senses. And it was about these, they were different shapes and sizes.

And they were hard and fresh and glistening. And then I saw a cute stock boy in aisle five and I was like, oh, maybe I can have a fantasy about him. And then later on when I got the carrots home, instead of like being annoyed that I had to puree them, I was like, still in that fantasy. And my kids didn't know while I was smiling, but I knew. And so it's, again, it's just this practice.

Where can I find the sensuality? Because it's there. So one of the first steps would be getting your mind up or with it too. Well, going from the idea that sex and sexuality has become a chore to it being a choice. So you go from chore to choice. It's a simple word choice.

Sex is a chore. My husband once said, I don't want it to go in. No, this is a choice. I husband wants it. I don't want it to going, no, this is a choice. I'm choosing to make this a priority again. I'm choosing to put some intention in this with the partner that I love. Like, oh, it's an obligation, right? Yeah, I can't have sex.

I don't want to have sex. And I'm gonna have sex. And I'm gonna have sex with you. And I'm gonna have sex with you. Like, if your partner thinks that sex is an obligation, it's not gonna get them turned on. They're gonna feel like, I don't wanna force you. You know, that's not a turn on for me.

So it goes from obligation to opportunity. Yeah, exactly. Or I get to have sex rather than... Yeah, I have to have sex. Yeah, I get another item on the to-do list. And what about being in your body? What about that? So we've got the images, we've got the fantasy

and what about if you're just not feeling great about your body anymore? It's a change. So I think that it just that it does change a lot. And there were moments where, especially after my daughter, after my first kid, I actually did bounce back. And this bounce back culture is really intense. And there's a lot of pressure on moms.

And for me, with the first child, breastfeeding actually did sort out my body. It just the weight came off. With the second child, it did not come off. I lost so much hair. I really, because your hair's amazing. I think I came back. I think I got it. I came back.

I was much bigger. My breasts were lopsided. I felt like a mess. And for me, and it's different for everyone, the practice I think of getting back into your body and getting back into your body confidence. For me, it's a combination of dancing in the mirror, just turning on some music and just moving in a way that feels natural to me, masturbating for sure, self-pleasuring and making

it into a ritual where I'm massaging my body or I'm dancing or I'm experimenting with different toys and just being curious what What feels pleasurable to my body? So that takes away the criticism of, oh my body should look like this, into a curious place of how might my body feel if I do this? Exactly. So you're going from the pain of criticism

to the pleasure of beautiful touch. Exactly, and it's gonna take a second, but I love to hear your story about this because yeah, dance in front of the mirror. Well, that's silly. I could never do it. I'm sure the first time you did it, you weren't like, look at me,

but talk about what that actual, if you could talk about that transformation or this for you. So the first time I kind of got wind of this tool, I was young, I was living in New York. It was like right after 9-11 and things were really bad. And I had a master's degree, but I was cocktail waiters saying,

I was just a mess. You know, my boyfriend had broken up with me, thanks John Carlin. Best thing ever. Matthew, no, it is the best thing that ever happened. And I was in the mirror, I heard myself talking shit about my thighs. I heard myself in my inner voice and I was like,

you're so fat, why can't you be smaller? You know, I was imagining like using like a liposite, I was like, delirious with this negative self-talk. And I had this moment of awareness where I was like, this is not who you are. So I took myself into the bathroom and I looked at myself in my eyes and I put my arms around myself

and I just started hugging myself, connecting with my eyes in the mirror and saying, I love you, I love you, you're beautiful. And it was that moment where I realized that's my power. I can take myself out of the criticism and put myself into a state of love and appreciation. That's a beautiful exercise. And it worked. Anytime.

It worked. It worked. It was driving the car if you're hating yourself. Anytime. I love you. I love you. Yeah. Anytime. So you can do it on a specific body part. You can change that script. You can do it for yourself at large and just say, I love you, I love you, I love you.

And as someone who's like, but that feels false because I don't, I don't love my butt. I don't love my wrinkly belly anymore. And that's kind of a case of like, all right, well, let's fake it till you make it. Start saying it anyway. And soon you're gonna start to believe it. Yeah, that's true.

It's a gap. I haven't written down. I think for me like I have a journal I care around Like the affirmations and things to remember every day. Oh, I would want to read your journal Publish that I just found like my journals from the last 20 years Yes, and no, but No, but it's true like things is like okay, I'm feeling I have to read the words because otherwise We would so we make up our own scripts and they're not always helpful totally. It's like, okay, I have to read the words, because otherwise we make up our own scripts

and they're not always helpful. There's just so negative view must have this all the time, but that's our, it's a practice. It's a practice. Like, go back to driving in the car, hands on the steering wheel, whatever, wherever you're, if you're driving, picture driving. Because to me too, I'm driving in,

I'm like having to have thoughts on, like, these are my affirmations. It's going on in present moment, what I'm feeling and smelling and tasting. So then you were like, I love myself, look in the mirror, which I've had those moments too, and I cried like I, I, I, it was even recently. I don't think this work's ever done, by the way.

And it's never done, no. No, it's never done. It's never done, it's never done. I don't remember, it was a big moment. I think it was like last summer, and I was just feeling something. I came home when I was sad, I was like, the mirror and I was like, I was like crying.

And if I say I love you, but just like, I looked, I looked at myself in my eyes in a way that I hadn't before. It's great power. We can only care ourselves, but we never really look. We get all this new formation and moving. It's a beautiful practice. Totally. After the birth of my daughter, when I felt like, I actually remember thinking, oh, she's stolen my beauty.

You know, this little, freckly red-headed baby. She was like five months old. I was like, you stole my beauty. I was horrible feeling. I'm sure, yeah. And then, you know, I stood in the mirror and I was like, no, no, no, I'm not gonna go down.

I'm like, my beauty's not stolen. You know, I was able to lift myself out of that. And I dressed myself up and I put on my makeup and I did my hair and I did the same thing I stood in the mirror and I complimented myself and then I turned on music and I danced in the mirror and it's like that Movement helps you stir up that self-love. It's like movement is joyful. Dancing is joyful. It's hard to be in a bad state when you're moving. Yeah, so too much in your head Yeah, get more into your body and move it. And if you're uncomfortable looking at yourself while you're dancing, then do it not in the mirror.

Do it in a way that feels good to you, but do it. Figure it out. Yeah, exercise, move, walk around the block, do something. Yeah. I think that if you're just stagnating around all day, I know it can be hard to get yourself out of the house or to move, but that just for me always, I just like, changing the state. Oh, right. Change the state.

Change the state. Change, move it or lose it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. It's funny, you know, in this new program that I did, I also do a dance video, and a yoga video, and a stretch video. And in the dance video, the way I choreographed it,

I worked with this amazing dancer who's also a mom in my army. You did, I love it. So fun. Because I was like, this is my moment where I'm really showing everything that I do. I'm just, I'm putting it all out there. I'm showing. Yeah.

Everything that I've done that has worked for me. It's not theory, it's real practical stuff. And the dance moves that we designed are based on the things that you have to do every day as a mother or as a woman. So I created a dance move out of what it means to pick up Legos. Like I made picking up Legos, sexy.

Oh, dude, I love this. Our slime, scrappy stuff. Yeah, and there's a dance move called the slow cooker. It's like, because when you put stuff in the slow cooker, you gotta stir it. You gotta stir it up. And you gotta dip your bread. You gotta dip the bread and taste it.

So it's like, when you're in the house, and she's, yeah, when you're in the house, just doing the things you have to do. Yeah, add some fun to it. Add some sexuality to it and just dance through it. You know, dance through it. Dance through it, move it. This is so good.

And look, they get, everyone just so you know, Dana made a special course. It's called Satisfied Mama. Satisfied Mama. Yeah. I just wanna give it to all my friends. Oh, it's, it's really proud of it. Yeah, I'm so proud of it. all my friends. Oh, it's really I'm so proud of it

Yeah, I'm so proud of it too. It's very unique very creative. So here's the Lego dance. There's a Lego dance. There's a slow cook Your dance there's a throwing your husband socks I want to see these I'll send them to you. Of course I will So that's just funny because I think you just watch it. Like, is that another exercise program? It's not like you showed. It's like, oh, I'm already here. I am picking up Legos. I do have to cook.

Exactly. Exactly. Press feed or whatever. And the other one that I love, and this is, I think, really important for anyone if you're a mom or not, I call it the transition stretch. And I think what happens to a lot of women, especially moms, is that the day finally ends. The kids are finally in bed, and you're at the sink,

and you're doing the last load of dishes, and you just wanna collapse, and then there's your partner, creeping out. Oh yeah, okay. The creep up, right? There's the creep up, and like the half initiation, and then you...

Dicking the back. Yeah, dicking the back, or even just hand on the shoulder, but you know what's coming. You could hand the shoulder, yeah. And your body recoils and you put up your hand and you're like, no, I'm not there yet, right? So that's why I think the planning sucks is so. A moment helpful so you can manage your energy. But this transition stretch, I kind of designed it so that you can have your partner go and put the kids to bed and

you go in your bedroom and do this stretch. It's like 15 minute video and it helps you release the stress of your day and start to stir up your central energy. Okay, so tell me, is it like a pelvic floor thing? Are you really like that? Yeah, there's a lot of pelvic circles and tilts and big hip circles. There's some touching of your body,

some like connecting with your breath, connecting with your chest, and it's really simple. It's not hard to follow, but what it does is it really transitions you out of that, like harried, been going all day, state, into a place where you can actually be receptive to pleasure. Well, that just makes so much sense, because that creep, I think we can all sense it,

where the kids are not when we're not in the mood. It's this understanding that like, you need to understand that women and men get a rouse differently. Totally. So he sees you, you're sexy, you're doing dishes, whatever you're doing, come from behind, I'm ready. Like kids are already, and you're like, no, I'm not ready.

And then what happens, where I love that you even dance for it, because I'm just a great solution, because what happens in the negative side of it is it's sometimes you reject your partner, then they feel bad, they don't come, and there's a cycle of rejection. And that becomes a pattern. Totally. And then he's not reject your part and then they feel bad. They don't come and there's a cycle of rejection. Yep. And that becomes a pattern.

Totally. And then he's not initiating Mark and then he feels rejection. And then you're like, why did you stop initiating? And then you think I'm not hot. And that is like that. And that is like the last 20 times. That's literally 20 times because we don't realize it. There's all these great ways that women, no matter what age where you're at in your life,

if you're not feeling turned on anymore, it is your responsibility to get there. It's not your partner. I mean, it's great when couple, I always think couples are a team. You are a team. Yeah. And you both should be working on your sex life, but for women to learn tools to start out.

They've taken ownership of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you know, I think it can feel, even us saying that, I think there will be some women listening who are like, well, even that feels like a pressure. But you have to remember what the benefits are. The team part that you have to bring yourself. You have to bring yourself,

because it's like, oh, one more thing I have to do. But on the flip side of that, you just can pick up the legos and dance. Like that's on the flip side. That's the hardest part. On the flip side of that is the energy that it brings, how it fires up your magnetism. I told them the energy. Can you explain that in your body?

Oh my God, well every day I feel when I'm connecting with my central energy, I want to essentially walk to the next day. Thank you. I'm seeing Mama, she is. I feel I am, you know, on my days where I'm practicing the tools, and I'm practicing the habits, I feel like a ball of energy, like, central energy and power. I feel like I can attract whatever I want. I can feel connected to the energy in my pussy. Like, I feel it. I feel the excitement. I feel the turn on and I got to say going around with that fire lit up in my body feels so much

better. So much better. So the rocket fuel, it is rocket fuel. It is the source of life. True. If you think about it, it is. But then after childbirth, a lot of women are in life, not even, you get shut down, we're disconnected.

So it's really that you will feel it again. Yeah. You will feel it again. Exactly. Like doing your caggles or whatever. Oh, yeah. Totally. Totally. Love it.

So that's a great ritual. Thank you. Okay, I have questions for you that we ask all of our guests. Okay. Well, these are new questions. Oh, thank you for that. Starting. There would you rather.

Okay. Would you rather have multiple orgasms that weren't so good or just one terrific orgasm? One terrific orgasm, for sure. Would you rather give us tri tease or a lap dance? Lap dance, I wanna feel that grinding. Okay. Would you rather only have sex in the bedroom or never have sex in the bedroom?

Only. Only. Only. I like my bedroom. Yeah, I like my bedroom. There's a bunch of surfaces. I'm sure. I love it. I love it. I love it. Would you rather be a bad kisser or bad at oral sex? Oh, geez.

I'd rather be a bad kisser and still be really good at oral sex. No way. Would you rather watch people have sex or have others watch you have sex? Oh God. I both. Can I choose both? I want both. Would'd rather I do too. Uh okay wait. What I rather what I rather watch or be watched I'd rather watch. Freedom is a really big thing. I realized I didn't know how powerful the connection was between freedom and my libido until I had kids and lost a lot of my freedom. Because when you have kids for a minute, your world becomes a lot smaller, like, especially if you're breastfeeding because you have to be there, or you have to pump and then try to get them on the bottle and all those things. What I missed the

most when I first had children was the freedom of walking around the city or my neighborhood, sort of during the dusk hours when commuters were coming home or people were going out and that exchange of energy and seeing the sights and the sounds and the art on the street. And I was like, all of that turned me on. So suddenly I had a kid and I was at home, from 430 till 730, doing all that bullshit that you have to do with a baby, which, look,

it's bullshit, I call it bullshit, it's also amazing, but when you're doing it every night, you realize you've lost your freedom. And you might even know what that, yeah. I didn't realize how connected the two were. So what I started doing was once or twice a week, I did do the pumping and I made sure that the baby would take a bottle, that was a process, but it happened.

And I would pass off that responsibility to someone else, either my husband or a nanny or my mom, and I would go out. And it was literally like, I am going out to reclaim my freedom during the most difficult and exhausting hours of parenting. And so I would go out on my own. I called it the mommy pop out. I'm popping out, bitches.

I love it. I'm out. I'm out, dude. I'm popping out. Pop out, walk around, have a coffee, have a drink at the bar flirt with the bartender Go see a author reading or a book signing or a museum opening or a movie or yoga class something that fueled My sensual imagination, right? I didn't go to target by toilet paper Because sometimes mom that is exciting to go to Target on your own.

It is exciting. They're all the same. Yeah, they're suppressing sometimes Target, but I get it. But the pop out is about. I love the mommy pop out. The mommy pop out is so good. It's so good. And then I would come home and I'd be like, hey honey, I'm turned on because I had my

freedom. I didn't exhaust myself. And also, you know, when he would step up and do that, which he knew what the results were. So he was happy to know that when I came home and feedback loop, I felt turned on. And so most likely, that was a night where I would be energized and inspired to have sex. So freedom is huge for your libido. Because you do lose it. And I feel like I've had so many friends, because most of my friends do have kids. And I feel like I've had so many conversations with them.

And I just like, you have to do it. Can you get a sitter? Like all of them, they've got, you know, the kids are older now. So they've all gone through stages where I'm like, like, no, I can't find the sitter or they just have this guilt. Like I feel bad leaving them or my husband will understand or he won't be able to help her with her homework. Or he won't be able to help him. her homework or he won't be able to help him

He doesn't get how to make the lunches and it's like how do you do that transition to like trusting? You have to this is what I call learning to love daddy style, okay? I call learning to love daddy style. It's a whole new jargon here Would you be nice? And um, I remember in the early days first child Charlie would be like you go take a bath. I'll put Rocky down and I would be in the early days, first child, Charlie would be like, you go take a bath, I'll put Rocky down. And I would be in the bath, but I was a new mom, and I was like, it has to be perfect.

He has to get all 11.5 steps of bedtime, perfectly cracked, or otherwise Rocky won't sleep through the night. I was like a nervous wreck, so I would get myself out of the bath, and I would go stand outside the door. I just watched it was, I would go stand outside the door, and if he was a minute late in getting rocky down, I would bust in and cause a raucous.

I was that psycho and that's when, after a couple of weeks of that, Charlie was like, listen, listen to me, this is daddy style. That's what he said. This is daddy style and you have to let me parent, how I parent. He said, you're missing the point here. I'm trying to give you an opportunity to relax,

to unwind, to just have free time, and you're hovering. Like, let me do me, let me do this. And so I think it's a process of like saying, what's the exchange here? What's the value that I'm getting? I'm getting free time. I'm getting a loan time. I can pop out of the house. I can have a long face time with my mom or whoever I can go shopping and go to the gym. It may not be done perfect. The pajamas may be on backwards. The bathroom floor might be flooded, but you're still out, you're not doing it. So, caught him some slack,

appreciate him, appreciate his style, and appreciate the free time that you got. That's the only way to do it. That's the only way to do it. Because I just hear all my friends protesting, like I had to get one of my friends in Nanny once. I'm like I will find the Nanny, there's a Nanny board to never to go. I just hear all my friends protesting. Like I had to get one of my friends in Nanny once. I'm like, I will find the Nanny. There's a Nanny bullet in the heaven to go.

I hear's where you should post it because there's this resistance or the skills or like their moms never got help. You just hear so many excuses for moms like, yeah. Yeah, it's true. Yeah, like the kids are gonna be okay and I can imagine. Just kids will be okay.

Yeah, the kids are gonna be okay. Yeah, right. We're gonna have a rehearsal. And also this, you're gonna mess up your kids. That's why we're here. Oh my God, yes. Like you're literally, I used to joke with my brother. I'm like, yeah, we'll just, like he's joke.

Like I'm not saving up for their college fund. I'm saying it for the therapy fund. Cause I'm like, yes, you should do that. And it's true. Well, because I believe that we're all here. And that's when they were like one years old because we are all here to work on our childhood. That's right. That's where we undo it or redo it and learn what happened and grow from it. because we are all here to work on our childhood.

Like that's right. That's where we undo it or redo it and learn what happened and grow from it. Like I honestly believe that working through our past is what propels us into our future. So you do the best you can. You're loving mom and you're doing the work. And you've got a good husband. It's like nothing's ever gonna be perfect.

And I have to remember that too with work. Like 100% like, you know. So that's a big one. I love that. I hope that this is just really gonna resonate Yeah, I hope so I mean look I always think that guilt is a wasted emotion anger can be a very productive emotion It can move you to take action to express yourself to heal wounds. Whatever, but guilt It doesn't it's a waste. It's a waste. It really is my And my mom's to say the exact, I've never heard anyone else say that. She's like, and like guilt is a waste of emotion. It's a really, it's a waste of emotion. Yeah, and then I'm like, well, but mommy should feel guilty because you stop.

No, it's not. But you know, but it's true though, it's not even emotion. Right. No, it's more like it's loosely tied to anxiety, which also is emotion. Oh, I hate anxiety. I know, right? I hate it. So it's like this practice now. What about masturbation?

For a lot of women, moms are no moms. They didn't even masturbate. They're like, well, I've got a husband. I've got a partner or I've got a toy. Right, but I don't ever use it. Or it's been a while. I don't think so. I feel the same.

I don't feel sexy. Do you like it? Gateways for moms. Good toys that you like are like different like quickies for moms. I mean, I think the thing is, I don't wish for you. When I sit I think the thing is, I watch for you. When I sit down on Sunday night to look at my week,

I always sketch in a solo session, right? I map out where I'm gonna masturbate. Put it in the calendar. I do. I put it in the calendar, just like I put everything else in the calendar. My work tasks, my fitness, you know, where I'm gonna get in my fitness,

what I'm gonna cook and meal plan. So I schedule it in, and I think that for most moms, it's like organization really helps your family life run smoothly. So why not also organize where you're gonna get your pleasure, especially, or that's another way for self-care. Yes, prioritizing your pleasure.

Yeah, and I think that this is the thing. Don't wait for the desire to strike, right? If you're not in the habit of regular self-pleasure, and you're like, well, why am I going to do this or when or how? Don't wait for this sudden urge of like lust for yourself to strike. Make a date with yourself. Lay down, grab a toy, put it on your body. Be curious about how it feels. And within what five minutes, 10 minutes, you're going to have an amazing orgasm. You'll be surprised. And you'll never regret it. Never. It resets you.

It feels good. You're like your eyes, you get color in your skin. I had the best orgasm last night with myself. I have to say, I think I had the best sexual experience ever with myself last night. What happened? Oh God, she's away from her husband now. She's been in the place.

She was coming in and sacked with Emily. You know, I just, I went out dancing with friends last night. I was really in my body. I had so much fun, I felt so much love. And I came home and I bought this new Crystal Wand from Shock Rubs, which is amazing. I'm a great shocker. I'm a great shocker.

I do not own a shocker. No. Clear quartz stildo, so beautiful. I named mine the rainbow rocket because I feel like it's like a manifestation tool. I literally, there's like a prism inside the quartz, which looks like a rainbow. And I was like, this is the rocket to my dream.

This is my vehicle. And then I have this new wand from a brand called Lestel. Okay, I don't know it. It's a little bit like the Lilo Smart One, which whoever's listening, it's the best Lilo Smart One in the video. Oh, I don't know. Okay. So good.

All right. And I used both of them, and I was just, you know, I'm in a hotel, so it's like new surfaces to be on. Like a hotel set. Turned on this OJ song. Hold on. I want to tell you. Okay, play it. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm gonna, it's so good. It's sexy, play list. Oh my God, this is the best. Hold on, I want to tell you. Play it, play it. Okay, hold on, hold on, hold on. It's so good. It's sexy, play list. Oh my god, this is the best. Hold on, this is so good. I heard it in my uber and I started to get aroused on my way home from the bar. Okay, okay, hold on a second. Do it, do it, do it.

How can I play this in here? Just play it to the mic. Yeah, yeah. Hold on a second, hold on. It's called Let Me Make Love To You. Dance. Mmm. Mmm. to you.

It's going to get to the good part. Hold on. Close up. Come on. Come on. Let me make love to you, baby. Love it. And then there's this, and he says, I won't stop until you ask me to. Oh my God, so hot. And you know what, I'm finding the dinner Uber.

You know what? The way the inspiration was hot. And I was like, what song is this? I was literally aroused in Uber. This guy's like, oh my God, I was like, is this safe from, I didn't tell him I was aroused. Right. Thank you. And I didn't tell him. I was like, Dan's the new, Burr? This guy's like, oh my god, I was like, is this safe from, I didn't tell him I was a rouse. Right, thank you. And I didn't tell him, I was like, dang, to keep it together.

I said, what song is this? So good. And so I got it in my Spotify. I immediately went upstairs, put the record on, got my toys out, danced around the room, listening to the OJs. I love it. It's called the OJs.

The OJs, and I just, you know what? It was just this combination of being, you know, I had had a gin and tonic, and I was just super like, having a love fast with my friends and dancing, and then this music, all these sensual inputs, right? It's all sensual. And then the hotel room, right, being in a new space, and then I just, ugh, I just had all these wonderful fantasies. I'm gonna keep some of the details for myself. Yeah, that's okay. You've shared a lot. But afterwards, I was literally like, I think that was the best sexual experience

I may have ever had in my whole life. With myself. That is possible. It's possible. We don't tell Charlie that, but no, you know what? You know what? You know what that's okay. Cause I thought about that.

Maybe you best alone experience. No, best alone. No, actually, you know, it's interesting that you brought that up, because I had that thought like, oh, well, oh, is that a bummer for Charlie? Like if I acknowledged that that was actually the best sexual experience I've ever had my whole life. But you know what, the longest relationship, sexual or not, that I'm ever going to have in

my whole life is with myself. That's true. That's it. That's true, girl. That's true. That's it. It's the longest one I've ever had. I've had it with myself, my whole life.

Like, I can own that as a sovereign being. Yes. Exactly. And it wasn't like it was with the Uber driver. It was with your son. It was not with the Uber driver. And it sounds like in your relationship, he'd be very happy for you.

And I think, you know, I think he would. I think he'd probably be like, well, show me. And I would. I would re, I would re, I would re, I've heard about these shock rubs. Someone tell me about it. But like using a dildo and a Clid or vibe is what we're talking about which is the best both yeah, I love that I love that combo

I love the combo. Yeah, I'm a combo girl. I'm a guy vibes are great But this way you could control every yes. Yes, I agree I'm glad you're having such a sex special time in life and so this is my this is like my extended mommy pop out You know, it's like I've got 40s of freedom. I'm expressing myself. I'm enjoying myself. And, you know, the first day I got here, I had the guilt, which I usually don't have when I leave my kids.

And it struck me down. I really felt like, can I be away from them? Have I made the right choices? Is this the right thing to do? And it took me like a day to kind of settle into it and to continue to give myself permission that I'm allowed to step outside of my role as mother and orchestrator of our family life. Exactly. And to just have my own life. And they're going to be fine. The kids are going to be fine. They're fine. They're fine. Okay. Maybe reaching out to your friends. I mean,

here's the thing that I did. I reached out to my friend. Yeah, I have like my girls too. That I call what's a thing, you know, we, I think we all have to have our like our ride or die. And I have fortunate that I have a lot of them. And I, you know, close that the people you could call when you're about to, for anything. Yeah. But what I realize is when I don't have that, that's also something that's missing.

And I feel like if I, if I've gone a few days or I haven't seen them in a while, and like I was telling you earlier, a lot of them are not in LA. So I have to work on building community in Los Angeles. But how important that is for women, because I think that you do have kids, you get busy in your life and you just think, well, it's not important. I used to have my family.

And then you got to make those friends again. But I think it's like women, it shouldn't just be like a should. Like it should be like, you require a community's everything. Yeah. And you know, to think about the way we used to live, they always say like, well, we used to live in villages. And it's like motherhood, I think, was easier because one night, one woman would cook, right?

One night, another woman would cook. And for the whole tribe, right? Yes, you all watch each other's kids. And now we're sort of, oftentimes, we've moved away from our families and we're mothering in isolation. It's true. It's such a problem.

You're a friend family. And building that community is so important. My friend at the Iceland, she was there and she was like, oh my god, everyone in the neighborhood, she just moved back to school. But I miss it. Everyone's kids were coming over and we all knew everyone. Makes everything so much easier. It does, it does.

Well, I'm glad that you have that. Now, what about sex hacks for when you have kids? Oh my god. What do you do the other night? I was talking to a friend recently, and she's like, I don't feel comfortable having sex even when the kids are home. And they're like eight and six.

I'm like, eight and six, yes. She's not even when they're in the house at all. No, she's still has, she can't totally be herself. She has it, but she doesn't feel like she can go and watch her, yeah. Yeah, so what do you guys do for this? That's a really good question. And I would say at least once a week,

I make sure the kids get out of the house and so that we have two to three hours to have like a real proper long love session. Love it. So the nanny, I'll organize for her to take them to a museum or to the park or to target, or you know, bribe them. You know, it's the paper, totally. I agree, you know, you do feel more free.

Like you can really relax. Like you can be more vocal when the kids are out of the house. So once a week, yeah, totally. I agree, you know, you do feel more free, like you can really relax, like you can be more vocal when the kids are out of the house. So once a week I organize that, I make sure that happens. That's a good tip. Yeah, once a week, I think it has to be on the calendar. Yeah, it has to be.

So that you can organize for the child care and make it happen. You know, it's interesting. I never let our kids sleep in our room, never ever. I was very rigid with that. And then when our son started having like a little bit of night-taming anxiety and struggling to fall asleep last year,

I couldn't be as rigid with him. It was a real shift in mothering for me. It was like, oh, he's a real human having real feelings here. I can't just shove him back in his bed until I'm that's it. So he now comes into our room, which is so weird for me,

because I was always like, this is our space. This is the marriage space. So it's hard for us to have sex at night, right? Cause there's a human in our room. And because we work together, so we'll just try to have sex during the day. Yeah, how do you, okay. So now our sex has mostly shifted to daytime sex.

Which is fun. Which is fun. Good, I have more energy. But look, I think, you know, if you've got kids in the house and they're asleep, turn off the monitor. So you don't have one ear on the monitor and one ear trying to have great sex. It's like, try to focus your energies where they are. It's good to my attention.

It's good to my attention. It's mindfulness everywhere. Yeah, and also know that like, you know, when parents are getting their love needs met, it's only ever a good thing for the kids. That's like full stop. Happy parents who are fulfilling each other's love needs and intimacy needs, your kids are gonna be happy.

You're a better parent. You're a better parent. So true, prioritized. Paratizing, exactly. I love that you have all these tapes and this course coming out. The cool thing is that I'm not trying to change anyone into some, you know, Victoria's Secret Angel version of what sexy is. I think what the practice is in the book and what the practice is in the new program,

it's really about discovering what's uniquely sexy about you and what works for your sex life and relationship and self-confidence at this moment. So what about the variety part of it? If you've got to a guy ride, you're like, oh, of course. and what works for your sex life and relationship and self-confidence at this moment. So what about the variety part of it? If you've got to have a right, you're like, of course. Yeah, of course. I mean, we all fall in and I'm stressed.

You will fall into a right, and if you've never fallen to a right, I don't believe you. Yeah, totally. So look, I mean, you can, you know, obviously, the easy way to spice things up is bringing a toy, bringing, you know, watch a little porn that interests you. The thing that I'm loving these days is what I call playing with erotic energies.

And it's sort of like very light fantasy, very light role play. So I had planned to have sex on a Thursday night. And so Charlie was putting the kids to bed. I was doing my stretching and my dancing and then I was in the shower and he came in and he said, what are you in the mood for love? And out of nowhere I just said, I want a wrestle. I want a wrestle and I had been watching Glow on Netflix and I really love their outfits. They're like shiny wrestling, gorgeous ladies of wrestling outfits. And I wasn't in the mood for like slow erotic sex,

I wasn't in the mood to watch porn, but this idea, this erotic energy of I wanna wrestle was like a hint. It was a hint at what kind of energy I wanted. I wanted like to kind of like have our bodies colliding and to sort of pin each other down and just be like rough and tumble, but in a bit of a funny way.

And the sex that we wound up having that night had this new energy. And I was running across the room and body slamming him and we were tumbling and tossing, and it was so fun. And it was just four words. That's so fun and put it right. It was just four words, but it completely re-energized and brought this new energy.

And so that became our thing. He would ask me, what are you in the mood for love. And I would say I want you to pet me like a cat because I was wearing these like yummy Jersey jammies. And I felt all slinky in them jammies. And I felt like a cat. And I just wanted to be pet like a cat. And so that evoked this other kind of sensual and I was pring and crawling. And so that brought that like that brought whole different flavor to sex. Exactly. I love it. So what I recommend to women to do is, you know, to spend a minute when you're not in the bedroom, writing down phrases, writing down these erotic energies that might interest you. It could be

anything hot and cold, pretend you're from Spain, pat me like a cat, you know anything, and then practice saying them to yourself in the mirror so that you get comfortable with your voice, so that you get comfortable hearing yourself say that. So when your partner says, what are you in the mood for? You already have something to say. You know? If your partner never says, what are you in the mood for? You have to ask them, say, babe, when we have sex on Sunday, I want you to ask me, what are you in the mood for? Great. That's it, Tom. Ask for it. Now what if they ask you right and now what if

they're people have never talked about sex? I don't know, I talk about this all the time, but couples like we've never talked about it. Or they feel like it's just, it's not okay to ask for what they want. But I guess if they start doing your program and masturbating, they're gonna. Well there's I think that, look, it could be uncomfortable to talk about sex if you don't feel like you have the word choices or if you, you know, or if you just not in the practice of it, but a really easy way to do it is to sit down over glass of wine and say, we're going to talk about sex for the next 30 minutes. I have three questions that this girl on Sex with Emily said to say, so you say, what's

great about our sex life? What could be better? And how can we co-create a sex life that feels exciting and compassionate for this moment in our life right now? And it's like, that's not that hard. No, it's really not that hard. Okay, we can talk about that. We've never talked about it.

I think we both agree our sex life is important. Yeah. So this is time. Let's start now. Yeah. I love it over the line. And it's important when you're not in the bedroom. Yeah, when you're not in the bedroom. are sex life is important. Yeah. So, this is time, let's start now. Yeah, yeah. I love it over the line. And it's important when you're not in the bedroom. Yeah, when you're not in the bedroom. Don't drink the bedroom, it's a worse time to do it.

I know you should cook in the kitchen. It's a big sense if I tell you not to, but bedroom talk outside. Yeah. And if it starts to turn into like a blame game conversation where you or your partner's focusing on the lack of sex, you have to say, no, let's come back to the opportunity. Yes, there may have been a lack or a drought, but let's talk about the opportunity. What could be better?

Well, we could have sex more often. What does that mean to you? What would be good for you three times a week? Well, mine's once a week. Okay, so look, we could land it twice a week. And it's like just taking away the fear and the flaming and the shaming. Yeah.

Coming into place, if it's the first time you've talked about it, you haven't in a while, like, clean slate. That's why I start with what's great. I love it. Start with a positive. What could be better? Yeah.

It's so hard though that what could be better because sometimes couples, like, we always take it into the negative. For things wrong with me, but just remember if you're doing it in a time and place. Well, and when you answer that question, what could be better?

You want to start with a positive. So I love how we kiss. And I would like to explore this new position. Not but I want to explore this new position. And I'd like to try this. After but is bullshit. Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah, totally.

It's got good tips, Dana. Thank you. This is awesome. So everyone's got to check out your course when it comes out. Check out your book, The Mommy Mojo Makeover. So you took your book basically and you're an expanded. I expanded it. There's a lot of new content in the program.

There's a lot of new stuff. Dana, I think this is going to be such a great service for when you're everywhere. Thank you. And I'm excited to watch it. Thank you. Thank you, Dana. Thank you so much. Thank you for being here.

You can ever find this. You are honey. I'm so proud of everything you're doing. This is amazing. Everything I'll be on the show notes, DanaBMeyers DanaB Myers.com. Anywhere else they should know. That's it. DanaB Myers.com. That's all the info you need. Thank you for being here. Thank you. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast

and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559

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