Sex With Emily - Sex: It’s Complicated

Episode Date: December 8, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Jen Golden & Lauren Leonelli from the podcast It’s Complicated to talk about everything from breakups to sex toys. The three talk about the right and wrong ways to break up with your partner, top tips for relaxing into oral sex so you can actually enjoy it, and why being mindful of your breath during sex can make it even more pleasurable. Plus, Emily answers your emails on on to ease back into dating and get over your nerves, and ways to ensure you’re giving your partner as much pleasure as possible. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Foria, Magic Wand, Good Vibrations, Womanizer & SiriusXM Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily Follow It's Complicated on instagram: @complicatedshow For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Check out even more Sex With Emily on SiriusXMStars 109 Mon-Fri 5-7pm PST! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Jen Golden and Lauren Lee and Ellie from the podcast It's Complicated to talk about everything from breakups to sex toys. Topics include the right and wrong ways to break up with your partner. Top tips for relaxing into oral sex so you can actually enjoy it, how to ease back into dating and get over your nerves, and why being mindful of your breath during sex can make it even more pleasurable. All this and more, thanks for listening! Betrubized, they called them in a fight on me. Hey, Abelie, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute.

Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm off here. So, girl. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Abelie's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between from one information. Check out everything we do there at sexwithfamily.com.

You can find us on all social media, at sexwithfamilycrossedtheboard. Also, series XM, five days a week, you guys. It's awesome. I'm there, Monday through Friday, on channel stars one, oh nine. And so check it out. It is a good time.

I really love these girls. I hope you enjoyed today's interview. I wanna welcome my guests, Jen Golden and Lauren Leonelli, hosts of the It's Complicated Podcast. You can find them on After Buzz TV and at Complicated Show on Instagram, welcome ladies. Jen and Lauren. Thank you for having us.

We're very aroused. Oh, you already aroused. I was going to say excited, but I felt like aroused was a better word. It's a good choice. It's a good choice. Well, it's great to have you because I was on their podcast. It was like our first date. And it went so well.

It went so well. Like I wanted to keep going. I think we jumped right into anal though. Oh, we did. It was our first date, but we jumped to anal talk. Yes. Yeah, it literally infuriatedly. No, we really wanted to know about what to do about anal.

Right. And so we talked about it because I think it was your boyfriend was curious about it. Why did it was encouraging it? Yes, my boyfriend. Lauren. Lauren, he talks about participating in anal, asking like often, do you want to be a friend?

Don't you think, don't you think we should? Find this pledge form. Yeah, just bringing it up enough that I'm like, okay, I mean, I hadn't ever really tried it. I attempted it one point years back and I just didn't seem to go so good. So I was a little hesitant. But yes, then I said, okay, fine, if he really wants to do,

I mean, maybe I should, some people really like it. Maybe I should try. Like, what if I like it, but I did not. Oh, right. But in the past You tried again. Well, no, then we tried it and We used the word yeah, we we use the worst loo ever that you guys are gonna I if you don't remember you're gonna be upset at me for saying that we used this but it was olive oil Okay, that's right, olive oil. Jamie, it doesn't even aloe, but I think that's

the truth. No, olive oil is an oil. Right. If you put it in your, it makes salad dressing or put it on your chicken. No, not aloe. They're not all created equally, Lauren. No, no, no, no olive oil at all.

But then we've given you loops since then. I believe, oh, no, have we not? This is your first four. OK. So we're going to give you some loop. This is the third olive oil as loop story I've heard. Producer Jamie. Yes, so my guy that I'm seeing, I gave him a toy.

It's a male toy, because we don't have many penises around here to test things. And he, I was like, yeah, I was like, you're probably gonna wanna use loop with it, just so you can get your sucker on in there. And he told me that he used olive oil. And I was like, why did you do that? He said, I don't have anything else.

And I just felt like I did him a disservice. I was kind of like, how did I not give him any lubia? I mean, how could he eat you? We have pounds of lub. That's true. I know. So I felt like it was my fault that he used olive oil. It was your fault.

It was your fault. Because you've been with them for a while. And you've been working for three years. And you've pounds of lub. But that's okay. We'll let that go. But also did you give him a deadline for when he needed to try it? I like why would that day did he have to do it?

No, I don't know. He was just gonna be a waste. I wasn't there. I don't know But he's got loop now, so okay I think we got lots of you guys are gonna leave with packages of the loop and you guys and the show you heard We talk a lot about my anal tips. I don't think I have to get into it all Going slow, breathe. Yeah, okay, so we don't have to start every show with a first show. For a tradition with us. It really is, it really is. So what have you guys been up to?

Tell me the latest. We all just had our 150th episode. Congratulations. Thank you. That's a lot of episodes. So much talking. As much as you, Emily, but one can dream. Right, well, yeah, you'll get a lot of stars. We're gonna get to 5,000. So wait, but one can dream. Right. What?

Get there. Yeah, you'll get a lot of stars somewhere. You got to start somewhere. We're going to get to 5,000. So wait, so tell me about your experience. So it's complicated. Let's talk about your show a little bit. So people haven't listened to it because we already know we've got some podcast listeners

here. So tell me and radio listeners and people like to listen. So how to explain your podcast. You give advice, dating. We do give advice. We give our own personal stories. We do all of the research for everybody as to what's going on in the world of dating and relationships and talk about hot topics.

And we always have a really fun guest on to talk about their experience with all such things. Yeah, we pick a relatable topic that has to do with relationships and like we talk about codependency or we talk about like how to break up correctly or anything that we think like people might have either a misconception about or getting wrong often or like we had to experience that we really want to share. So we'll be like, oh, let's make the topic about this. Like breakups when I went through one year. I was so glad you brought that up Jen

because we met, you were in the relationship, we actually, when I was on your show, it's complicated. We talked about you're honestly, can I just be, I was like, I'm not sure about him because I hope he's not, I don't care, every listens. I wasn't happy that you weren't, it only been a few, I don't know how long it been, not less than a year, right? Definitely. Only a few months. Yeah. And let me just say this. I believe that sex, at least the first year, you're gonna have some fits and starts, but it should be getting some needs met. It should be getting better, not worse.

And I felt like you were not getting basic needs met that I would have, my thoughts were like, no, it's not true, this is long for this world, but sure enough, you were like we broke up. We did, and honestly, if anyone should have broken up with anyone, it should have been me breaking up with him, because the sex was not good. Like, I feel bad saying it was bad,

but no, it was bad. So let's talk for a second, because I often, in fact, my show was built on that bedrock of bad sex. I was like, I've had enough bad sex. I would like to learn what great sex means. And so, but let's talk for you. What was bad sex?

What did that mean for you? It was very like disconnected. I don't think that we were in sync at all. I don't think that there was passion there. Also, it was just awkward. It felt like around, what is the saying? Around peg. She never gets this right.

It's putting a square peg in a round hole. That thing. She did not want that thing. She didn't get it. That was Lauren's first time, Aino-in-Win's Vroom. It was very much so. Yeah. So I get it.

Yeah, so it just felt. Also his... I don't know, was it shaped a little weird? Oh, gosh. Like, does that necessarily, that's not bad, right Emily? Well, I don't think a weirdly or oddly shaped to you penis is a problem, because for some people, then I remember people were like,

oh, I have a crooked penis, is that okay? And for a lot of people, it's like, that could hit your G spot, and that could be great. Okay, that wasn't this It was not Curved to your curvature. Um, no, it's okay. I went down the rabbit hole on the internet Obviously, and I googled cone shaped penis and I think it's actually like you break your penis at some point And then it's like that and you actually might need surgery. Oh, yeah.

A cone, like a full on, like a pointy tip and then it was got a lot bigger at the bottom. Yeah, it's like this, like a triangle comes to like a point. The red is like a point, right. And it just gets wider to like the where it gets the shaft. The bass with the shaft. Okay. Wow, okay. That doesn't sound comfortable.

No. Or to me at all. It was just like weird and like odd sensations and not of it worked out. It just it does everything right. There was the chemistry and you wanted more oral sex. Yeah. But just any and you all right. Thank you. Any oral. That's what he is grounds for dismissal. No oral after you ask and talk about it. Oh no. I hadn't. The thing is you came on the show and my goal was to start talking about it and he even listened to the show when you came on. And at that point, I think the next time I saw him,

he like started to go down on me but then like didn't stay down there long enough because I'm like, now I'm nervous that you're down there. Like I'm in my head sucker. Well, and I really gave a good tip that I would like to re-point out and say that it's also communication

and you don't, you said you don't really want to talk about this like in the bedroom, but beforehand talk about candidly like if that's the case. So if you're comfortable enough, you would say like I really like it when you go down on me and listen, like I have to get out of my head for a second, it's going to take me a second. So just know that like you're going to have to be down there for a little bit because it takes me a while to warm up to the situation. Like a warning is fair. And then it takes the pressure off you.

Exactly, good memory. That's what I always say. You gotta settle into it. Because to me for oral sex, what I think I said or my attention was that for women, we get so worried. Like, am I taking too long? Does he really wanna be doing this? We're staring at the clock. It's been 12 minutes now, 13. So the best thing our partners

can do when they're performing oralists is say, hey babe, I got this. I love you. Taste so good. I've got all night, lay back. I'm not going anywhere. And like let us relax into it. I feel like saying babe, settle in. Like you can be like good. I'm going to do it then. I'll be a friend. I'll go down for an hour, whatever you want. Is there like a normal timeframe that it should happen in? Nope, there is no normal when it comes to that. I think that some women, it could be three minutes, some it could be an hour.

Like how your partner wants to do it. I was always was pretty uncomfortable with it. I was in my head about it like, oh, your face is in my vagina, like what is going on? Like I feel very uncomfortable by it. But I will say it's true. My boyfriend now is very vocal about like, I want to do this. I want to be here. This, I love doing this. Like, even if I say, no, no, he's like, no, please. Like, and it helps because now it's something that I'm not uncomfortable with and he's pretty

good at it and it results in a good positive thing every time. Is this always been or lately? No, oh him always, yes, but only him really. That's right. He's only, it's because he made me feel comfortable. Like it's massively important. Yeah, that's so true. And I love that you're saying this because that's the proof.

For so many women, the best sex, I think, when I talk about bad sex, but for really great sex, we're women report having the most orgasms, the most pleasure and satisfaction is when they feel safe. Absolutely. So, he makes you feel like I'm in it. I got it and he believes it.

So, love all that. I know, it's good. It's good. So you guys are it's good. It's good. So you guys are having good sex. That's great. You gave some advice on the breakup show. What is some breakup tips for people? People love, I did a breakup show like about a year ago,

I have to say it was one of the most popular shows who were like, your breakup show helped me get through the breakup. So I'm wondering, what did you guys talk about? Maybe if it's even don'ts or do? Yeah, don'ts. Sounds like it was some don'ts. Yeah, one is don't break up with somebody over the phone.

We, yes, that is not okay, but like we said, make sure that how you break up with somebody is, it directly related to the amount of time the relationship is. So like, if it's been like a month or something and you feel like, okay, we've gone on like four dates but we did talk about being exclusive maybe at some point and maybe that was premature.

Like maybe it's okay to like have the conversation over the phone potentially. Yes, but like, you know, so then also if it's been like a certain amount of time, you owe that person with respect. Like people's family members. Yeah, yeah. And you're talking about the future

and getting to know that person's child, for instance. Yeah, no, you do that in person face to face, not over the phone. So that's one thing. And then the other thing is, don't be all kinds of wishy-washy with the reason for it. Like pick a lane stick in it, and then like, make it about you, not the other person,

so that they have closure. Yeah, or just, or be honest, like if it about you not the other person so that they have closure. Yeah, or just, or be honest, like if it is about them, then give them some sort of information that they can grow from because you're not doing them at any sort of church. Try not to, and this is also just communication with your partner while you're with them too, but you have to try to come from a place

of not blaming or shaming, right? Because ultimately it is your choice. You've got to find why you're feeling the way you're feeling, even if it's reactive to somebody else, just deliver the message from inside, from you and how you try not to say like you make me, when you do that, you make me feel this way. Really nobody's responsible making you feel a certain way unless you're having sex and then there we go. But for the most part, it's, you know, try to deliver.

It's all about delivery, which was like kind of the whole message, right? Like don't deliver it over the phone or when you're delivering somebody, you know, some information that might be a little bit hurtful, just be nice about it. Like don't be a dick. Sounds like you didn't have a lot of the emotional tools. Oh, not at all. Oh, no, no. But then he listened to our show about like our breakups

and told me that he needed to go to therapy and that it was at a reality check and that he really learned a lot about himself from it because I was like, I'm a pretty factual person. I don't really exaggerate unless like it's about my own self and I like think it's funny so I'll make it sound funnier, but when I was talking about him I was like this happened and this happened and this happened and he said all these things and that's why this breakup It was so odd to me because he was the one pushing for this relationship the whole time

So he heard all of these facts and was like whoa hold on a second. Well, so this is amazing So he actually heard it and he said you, you're right, or did he apologize? Yeah, he did. He did. He did. How are the podcast? That's what I was going to say. It was actually very helpful to think in that moment

that, and it's like you, that somebody specifically and personally was affected by the specific and personal situation you were talking about. But the hope is, and the goal is, is that other people are listening and relating to. Like, that's why we share the intimate moments. Because, and then we just talked about this on our 150th episode, like that, we have no regrets.

I mean, you talk about the most personal stuff, but you're being authentic and you wanna share this with people to help people. And so you'll talk about anything, three sums, whatever you want, like things with people to help people and so you'll talk about anything Three sums whatever you want like things that people normally wouldn't want to share and we have girlfriends that don't want to talk about Relationships and stuff, but we're like we don't it we're being authentic We want to share and we want to help so there's really no boundaries and no regrets for what we say in this situation with the X it was So helpful it was and actually on our show, our 150th show,

I referred to us as like good Samaritans. Like now that we do this and we live in this relationship world, I feel like we have to chime in. It's our moral like duty to, if we see something, we have to say something. Yeah. Yeah. Basically.

And if I can give advice to anybody at this point or you could give advice, we have to help them because it's also authentic to I think who we are. Oh yeah. This is not just a show for us where we're entertaining people. Like we live and breed this at this point, which I'm sure you do too.

Yes, all the sex. All the sex, all the time. But I think that is a great point. And I think we do learn a lot from other people's stories, which is, I think that's great that you guys are hearing that he actually listened. I'm too bad he could listen to the World Sex episode. It sounds like when I was on, he'd listen to a little bit. He did, it just didn't like it.

He didn't like it. That didn't click, but the breakup one. So let's talk about a good kind of breakup then. Or what did, you know, how to handle it well? I don't know. Yeah, it would have been nice to maybe have him take you out for dinner, but then here's the, let me do a flip side of that. I had somebody said to me, why did he take me out to, as a friend of mine while I was

said, why would he take me out to dinner? We ordered food and I'm waiting for the food to come and he's like, I don't think this is working. Right, that's the wrong time. Could it have been a coffee? Like maybe some, you know, we talked about that. I mean, here's the thing in terms of this, what he could have done better was we actually had, I saw him on a Tuesday, he called me on a Wednesday

and broke up with me, but we'd actually had planned scheduled for the following Friday. So we could have waited until Friday and said, I'm gonna come to you for a date and brought all my stuff with him. And then he could have just come over before we were like, what I thought would have maybe been going to dinner and then said it's not working or whatever.

And then I would at least be home. Yeah, right. I'd already be here and then he could have left and we would have done it in person and I'd have all my things. No, I didn't have my things. So at the end of the day, the conversation, no matter how it happens, I guess, it's always gonna hurt

and you're probably always going to extract as the receiver of some news like that, like something negative because it either hurts your ego or it just, if you feel rejected or whatever. So of course, you're gonna be like this socks and there's gonna be reasons why it sucks, but we're just trying to help it suck less. So there's a lot of things you can do

to help lighten the blow or lessen the blow. And you should be, you know, aware of those things because relationships are scary for everybody. And it's also hard to deliver the news too. If you're the one, it is. It's hard all around. But I think that's, I think that's good advice to be real and to be honest. And to treat the person like a human being, like he was with you for whatever it is a few months, even if it's a night, you want to treat someone with respect. Okay. He's absolutely being.

And when they don't, that's almost when it feels worse. Cause then you're like, wait a second. I actually mean even less to you than I thought. Right. Because you are treating me so poorly. So that's why I think if you still, like if I didn't kill anybody in his family or like, you know, cheat on him, like he should still treat me with respect and that he didn't do that.

Okay. Well, I feel like he learned a lesson though. So that's great. I feel like the relationships are where we do our best work. So I think that when you're in or out how you get out of it was really good work. So are you dating now? You know, I'm just the bachelorette in my own mind and I'm dating everyone. My therapist told me I have to do that. You just make it your job. To date everyone, I think she's, yeah.

Yeah, purposely dating. She's really good on it. I think it would be. I think that you're probably meeting people all over the place, you know? I'm just on dating apps, really? I'm still waiting for my friends to set me up. I guess I need new friends.

She's down for any kind of setup. Just the dating app. Jen likes to really take control of a situation. She will let herself feel bad about something like normally go through the emotions, but she for sure does not like throw a pity party. She will like allow herself to cry for five minutes and then she'll be like, okay, now I have to do something good. Like to balance it out. And so the dating apps are good for her or somebody like her that wants to like... You can't take it. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, I think that's really healthy.

I think if you're into the apps, I think it's a great way just to kind of get your foot back out. You get yourself back out, get your foot, get your toe in the... I was going to say, get your toe in the dating water. Yeah. Get out there. And in the meanwhile, when you're not, I think it's important to continue to just kind of self love after breakup, if it could be really hard, it's good to love yourself, build yourself back up again, take some classes, work out, use some toys, like you guys are

sitting there. I gave them some magic wands when they walked in. I'm not sure. I didn't actually do it. I was in the room. You walked in and then you had the magic wands there. It happened so fast. And you guys hadn't seen, so we had our sex toy closet open.

I, first of all, the sex toy closet, holy Moses. Right, it's pretty amazing. And it's really organized, which you know just I love so much. Yeah, I know, well that's Sarah, our assistant producer. She did it, she organized. It helped beautiful.

Thank you. But one of my most proudest, was a possession store. How does things on display? So you had some questions about the magic wand because I know it's kind of it's Matt. It's a big it looks like a large vibrator. You don't put it inside of you. It's actually be called the Cadillac of all vibrators. It's great for literal stimulation. You need to try and think for that tiny little part of your body. This whole thing is great. It's great to massage your, well, here's the story.

So it's been around for 50 years, the magic wand. Okay, so the magic wand was started as a massageer, personal, it's like you, you just. Like you, you just. Okay, yeah. I'm kind of need that too. Well, exactly. So it's a two-for, and it used to have a,

it's the most powerful vibrator plugged into the wall as a cord. Oh my god. And it was like, oh my god, it's like a power tool. So, but then someone realized at some point, like, oh my God, it actually feels really good. There, you know, on my genitalia, I'm like, I'm surprised you big man.

You are that person that would be like, you know, the 50s or 60s, whenever it was that you, I feel like Emily's the girl who was like, this massage here is great. What about? I wish I could take credit. Right, so it's been around and people love the magic wand. I mean, it massage here is great. What about? I wish I could take credit. Right, so it's been around and people, people love the magic wand.

I mean, it is really a favorite. You use it. It's like the sure thing. That's what I call it for vibrators. It's fun. I can feel great on a partner. You can use it over your underwear. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

What? Oh, you mean like for you to get a guy to use it on you? He can use it on you. You could give a massage with it. Oh, mix it in a massage channel. Multi-purpose. It's multi-purpose. But where do you put it? Because like, I feel like normal drawers aren't even this big. But this is the good massage with it. Mixed in a massage candle. Multi-purpose. It's multi-purpose. But where do you put it?

Because I feel like normal drawers aren't even this big. But this is the good thing about it. That's the box. It looks like a massage or something. It doesn't like a massage. It doesn't have to hide it. It actually is a massage. So yeah, and you just charge it and it's great.

Have you guys used toys before? Yes. Okay. What did you like using? Oh, just a regular vibrator. Like from Amazon. I think it was $9. Okay. Oh right, so this one's not the Magic Wand. You from Amazon. I think it was $9. Okay.

Oh, right. So this one's not the Magic Wand. You're going to have that one for a while. Great. I've had the $9 one actually for a while, but I don't like having to replace batteries. Oh, what a battery. That's rechargeable.

There was a time I would go to work and steal batteries. I'm like, oh, man, that mouse is out of battery again. The mouse. Whatever the mouse. Love that she was stealing batteries from work like a teenage girl. Yeah, whatever the mouse. The mouse. The mouse. Whatever the mouse. The mouse. The mouse.

Whatever the mouse. The mouse. The mouse. Whatever the mouse. The mouse. The mouse. Whatever the mouse. The mouse.

The mouse. The mouse. Whatever the mouse. The mouse. Whatever the mouse. The mouse. The mouse. Whatever the mouse. The mouse. The mouse. Whatever the mouse.

The mouse. The mouse. The mouse. The mouse. Whatever the mouse. The't die out in the mid session. That's the worst. That's actually the worst sex I ever had. Was when I was about to have an orgasm and it died. That sounds horrible. It's kind of depressing. Yeah. What about the best sex you guys have had?

I honestly mine is with my boyfriend. Because for me, it's really being comfortable. That's huge for me. I think that having an orgasm is very like mental cerebral for me and He is the only guy that I've consistently had an orgasm with Only ever all and I haven't had sex with like a ton of people but enough to say like it's definitely because I feel really comfortable with him I'm also like in my 30s and I think

you really a woman really comes into her own sexual, wow that's like your sexual peak. Yeah. So it's a lot of it is yeah. A lot of things like aligning but he just makes me feel like he's in it to win it. He wants to be there. He's loving everything that's going on. And that just really helps me feel comfortable. And then I am not in my head thinking about, like you said, is this taking too long? What am I doing? Is this a look okay? All that.

Like you guys even know that that happens? I mean, I guess what they listen to your show they do. They listen to my show they know what happens. Yeah, because we talk about all the time. And but men have that anxiety as well. They're worrying, does she see that my penis is shaped like a cone? Does she? You know am I coming too quick? Am I am I you know? Is she liking this? Does she you know what's gonna?

Everything am I lasting too long that she notice like I mean wait me men. We're about I guess it's why would it be any different? It's true So I think we talk about that a lot on the show because it and that people feel bad about it and it can be really destructive if you can't get out of your head during sex for a lot of people, they just can't have the orgasms, you know, and it is women and men.

So a lot of the, I would say most of the challenges we have are on orgasm and performance is because we're in our head. Sure, there can be physical things going on, but a lot of times just like we're worried. So like just think of if you are in your head, I was the blood like rushing to your, the blood's in your head, not your genitals.

So the second you can kind of put that energy back towards what you're feeling in the moment, the connection you have with your partner and that love, then you'll be more likely to have amazing sex and great orgasms. And it's true because it's happening. So also breathing helps. I forget to breath.

Yes, but you too. Especially if I'm nervous I forget to breathe. Yes, but I do too. Especially if I'm nervous or thinking, I'm like, I just hold my breath. Like I should be an Olympic swimmer, but I am not. Yeah, it's so you're right. Breathing is, you know, I guess if we don't breathe, we're dead. Yeah, simple things.

Yeah, it's true. During sex, it is true to breathe. I think that was one thing Jamie said when I, I've talked about in the show a lot and didn't you have during sex one time you didn't think you were an orgasm, you're like, let me try the breath thing that we talk about. Yeah, no. Because I realize it's like, you know, sometimes you do, you like, you brace yourself,

you're like, no, it's gonna happen, you try to like force it, like, if you push it, you just push it out of your vagina. Yeah. But, like, Emily's just like, oh yeah, breathing, and I was like, huh, so I went home or whatever, my guy came over and I was like, okay, I'm just gonna keep breathing deeply. And like when you felt it building up, I started just to do, and it was crazy.

Cause normally I'm like, I kind of need to not breathe to like get it over the edge. But it was like, I actually had to just weigh more intense orgasm when I breathe. And like it just pushed, it was great. And then I told her the next day and it was so amazing. Oh, I need to keep that in mind. I don't even think I'm like consciously thinking about if I'm breathing or not breathing.

I don't think I hold my breath, but I don't think I even thought about it. But I have a, I feel like there is a consistent problem for me. Oh, yeah. And I don't need help with this. So if I have, I would say like if it's like two drinks or something, it's fine, but if it's like more than that, and maybe, okay, if it's more than that, I don't feel like I can have an orgasm. Yeah, that's very common.

And I also then wonder, I tell myself in the middle, like, oh, it's because I, like, I'm not getting there, like I thought I would, and then I get in my head and go, oh, it's because of the drink. So now it's not gonna happen. So I'm just I would and then I get in my head and go oh it's because of the drink So now it's not gonna happen so I'm just like and then I just give up and I'm like Oh, how do I would I let's do something to make him go because I'm I just give up or whatever But is that a real thing and how can you push through it if it is a real thing? That's such a good question because yes

They're both real things so yes You can absolutely drink too much and that can inhibit your ability to orgasm which is a bummer because a lot of people use alcohol as a sexual lubricant besides the action, you know, besides olive oil or lube. They actually do and it's like, you know, but that it's great because you got you in the mood but then you can't come and that is true. But I think also, I'll bet if you, when you have that so it could also be that you're thinking about it because I'm sure it's also be that you're thinking about it,

because I'm sure it's on every time you probably can get there. So it's really a matter of you having that thought and then going back to, either it's a positive, it's a positive thought like, but I am gonna have an orgasm and then you go back to your, but you go back to what you're feeling in the moment. It's always going back to the sensations

that you're feeling in the moment. You can have that thought, why'd you have that extra drink? You're not going to come now to, what am I feeling? Oh, that actually feels good. I'm going to breathe. I'm going to, why'd you do that, Lauren? You should have had that extra margarita. Okay, back to the breath. And it's a, it's like meditation in yoga, right? Jenn, I know you do a lot of yoga because I fire Instagram and I like pictures. But like, it's really that. I mean, it's a matter of tripping out on it and going back into the moment and breathing.

And even just building yourself up, but I'm gonna have this drink, I'm also gonna have an orgasm. It's flipping that thought, flipping it. And so I bet I hope I hear from you next time that you're able to get through it. I like that. I have a question.

Yes. So I realized that, so my best sex was with my ex boyfriend, which was five freaking years ago. And then after that, like I would date somebody for a couple months. And like I think by the time I would start being comfortable, it would like be the end of the relationship. So like I never really had good sex with these like interlopers basically.

Yeah, and so that's hard to do. Yeah, and I, like I'm like, I don't know you really yet. Like you're new still. So I feel like at this point, like I used to be real good at sex. My ex-boyfriend even told his current girlfriend, like, no, that was my best sex about me. And I'm like, we, that, why do you think you're really good at it?

Like, what do you, did you have like, why do I think? No, I'm just saying like, what, are you like, I, when I pull this, this, and this out of my pocket, like, I, this is a trick. Like, I'm good at this. I'm gonna do this. That's a move. Yeah, where else was? Okay, well, tell me what this once was.

I don't know. I think I just had a lot more energy. Who knows? I won't know. No, please. So, do you know what that was? Was it your blood job skills? Was it?

No, honestly, I think I just loved him. And so I was more interested. And he was like very into like, he was a terrible boyfriend. Let's not very into, he was a terrible boyfriend. Let's not. Yes, he was. And that twisted. But we connected it in sex.

So that was where we met, saw eye to eye. And our passion was there. And that was it. And we would have got that. And so I was most comfortable with him, because we were also together for so long, even with all the bad stuff that went on, but That was the best sex even for me. So I think we both felt that way. But since then that I'm like I have not had good sex like that since then and I feel like I'm out of practice now at this point

And then there was like a seven-month stint that I didn't even have sex because I was like I'm waiting till I get a boyfriend Then I got one and he had a conejee penis. Right. Well, now there's like this other person sort of in the picture that like comes and goes, but I feel like he comes and goes. That's not- That's not- That's not in another place. Right. And I can't get comfortable with him because he's here and then he's gone.

Well, I think it's interesting. First of all, it's funny because Lauren, we were saying that it's winter with so much longer, you have that, and you had that same experience too, Jen. So I think I don't think you've lost it. It's like riding a bike. I think sex. I believe that sex is that you can get it back. And I also think that knowing this now that we've had this conversation, I think when you're

with them, you could try, you know, this guy who's visiting, if you feel even safe enough with him, I think it's more about you allowing yourself to kind of go there with him and like opening up and taking the sex that you own. Like, it's not about his pleasure as much as yours. And I think I say that to all women, I think that we are conditioned that how am I performing and is it, am I doing it right and is he going to like me, but I think for many women, you can kind of jump that hurdle of it to be a five-year relationship is being like Fuck it

I'm gonna take what I want right now Not disregard him, but like I'm gonna move I want I'm gonna get upside down I'm gonna turn this way and that way I'm gonna ask for it because we deserve it And we're all responsible for an orgasm and that in turn is the hardest thing for so many. I was gonna say, I think that that is there. Like I feel safe and comfortable. She really likes what she's feeling. And now he's turned on. And that's it. And then it's a cyclical good thing. Yeah. So I want you to bring that passion and enthusiasm,

even though you haven't known it for five years, I think you've got it in you, Jen. Thank you. I'm feeling that energy because it's energy. It's like nerves, though. I do feel like I'm like, oh my gosh, like I need to do all of these things, but I haven't had sex at all. I think I'll be into it. I also think that-

It's not tricks. It really coming from the relationship standpoint and my therapist did give this information to me and I think it's useful. Let's be realistic too. So your relationship with this guy was not good. It was toxic. A much more different.

The five year. Yes. And your sex was very passionate because a lot of times, sex, passionate sex can be come from, like a desperation. Adversification. Like you're really trying to hold on to something tight. And so the passion just lives there. And my therapist said to me,

I had a man that I was with for a while, we have the best sex ever. My husband and I, we have great sex, but I wouldn't compare, the sex was different. It was more passionate with this guy. And you need to, it's more healthy to be in like, more of a balanced situation where you do have passion in your sex, obviously, but that's not the only play.

It sounds like your relationship with the ex was very extreme. You want to find the balance of like passionate sex and a regular steady, healthy, safe emotional. Yeah, you said it five years ago. Yeah. So you're also in a different place too. So our bodies change over time.

You know more now, you're older, more confident. So yeah, I'm not worried. I think I can't wait to hear about the next thing. I feel good. Thank you. I feel good about both of you. You guys, I have five quicky questions to ask can't wait to hear about the next thing. I feel good. Thank you. I feel good about both of you. You guys, I have five quicky questions to ask

well for you. You each have to answer, okay? But don't think about it too hard. These are quick. We're going to go back and forth. Okay, ready? So Lauren, what's your biggest turn on? I like my breasts being touched.

Okay, Jen, your biggest turn on. I like when someone kisses my neck. Yes. Okay, biggest deal breaker, Jen. Being jobless. Lauren, biggest deal breaker. A bad relationship with like a close family with family members. Like, like, like, insistent, yeah, consistently like issues with everybody. Okay. Lauren, what are you weird to that makes you feel the sexiest? I like Lacey lingerie. I like lace. Lace is pretty. Yeah.

Jen. Satin. Okay. What personality trait Jen do you look for most in a partner? Humor, but also being more alpha than me. But with a sweet side. Lauren? I think alpha two, but I would say it more like,

maybe this isn't a real thing, but I like a manly man, like throw a football, build the hammer, something into the wall, hang the TV, chop wood. I like that because it represents like a caretaker. Yeah. And that's, so for me, that's symbolic. Okay, number one, dating tip, Jen. So for me, that's symbolic. Okay. Number one dating tip Jen be yourself be yourself. Okay

Yeah, and then I have to piggyback on that because I cannot stand when women say I'm not gonna I can't text them back yet. I have to pretend I'm busy. No, don't pretend shit. Just do you that is so true That's great advice. I think we all play games, but like once yourself It's a sexy thing when you take what you bed, when you ask someone out on a date, I think times are different right now. It's 2018, I think when we could go after what you want. Also, this is not like the old days where you had to call somebody and hope they were home. Like everyone's got their phone in their hand, respond.

Yeah, like don't be, don't be, don't be, don't be, you're busy, you're coming literally in your hand. You do you. Oh my God, I love it. Okay, Jen Golden, Lorne Lee and Ellie, you can find them. It's complicated podcasts on After Bud's TV, everyone say 6 p.m.

Yes. They talk about everything. You can find them at Accomplicated Show on Instagram. Congratulations on your 150th episode. Thank you. Congratulations on your series exam show. Thank you. It's really, it's been awesome. So, where else that's all the, that's what they can find. Do Accomplicated Show on Instagram. Thank you so much for being here, you guys. All right, we are going to take a quick break and we come back. We're getting into your emails.

I love answering your questions. It's why I exist on the planet so you can send an email, feedback at sectoraltolemely.com. Go to the website, sectoraltolemely.com, click the Ask Emily tab, include your name, your age, where youley.com, go to the website, sectorofmley.com, click the ask Emily tab, include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Thanks guys, and Jamie's here to read the emails with me, which I love. Hello! Hello, Jamie. Okay, so this one is from Jess, who's 24 in Pennsylvania, dear Emily, I've been married

for a year and a half. My partner and I have had issues before with mismatched libidos, but we're usually able to work it through. Lately, he hasn't been in the mood at all, and has told me to just initiate or entice him, but it's really hard to figure out what he wants or likes. He's my second partner, but he's had a lot more partners than I have, so I feel really inexperienced, and like I have no clue what I'm doing. Hey, Jess, so here's the thing about this question. I think a lot of us think that there's some point we get to in life where we feel like, oh, I've had enough lovers

and enough partners and I'm so experienced. But each partner gives us a new opportunity to learn. I don't want you to be yourself up by feeling that you're in experience and you know what you're doing. But every time we have a new partner, it's hard to know what to do. You just need to find out more information here.

You have to ask him when he says to you, I want you to initiate more. How the hell are you supposed to know what to do. You just need to find out more information here. You have to ask him, when he says to you, I want you to initiate more. How the hell are you supposed to know what that looks like? It's going to look different to everybody. So ask him and say, how would you like me to initiate? Just get some more information around that so you know what turns a mom. It can also help to schedule sex, so it's easier to both for both of you to know, like, sex is happening on this day and then you're building up toward it. You know Saturday night to night and that's when it's going to happen.

So both of you essentially need to be talking more. You know how to say, communication is a lubrication, and prioritize your pleasure. Prioritize the pleasure and the relationships so you're both getting what you want. You're both on the same page. You figure out how often you want to have sex, what times of days work for sex. You can't just figure this all out on your own by him saying I need this. You know, when most of what you need,

it sounds like if you haven't had a lot of partners, what a great time for you to figure out with him, say yeah, I can help initiate, but let's help me babe figure out what would I'm into, because I'm not even sure yet. So this is an exploratory mission you guys are on. For a long time, you're married. So have fun with this sex.

I want you to take the pressure off both of yourselves and say, you know what? We've only been together a year and a half. I want a long life of amazing sex. So let's start talking about it and figure out things that turn us both on in the best ways to have it and when to have it. So you got this, Jess.

Okay, this one is from Wes. Huh, Jess and Wes. We have from Wes, who's 32 in California. Hello, Jess. Okay, this one is from Wes. Ha, Jess and Wes. We had from Wes, who's 32 in California. Hello, Emily, long time listener of your podcast. I met a new woman and we hit it off very strong. We recently had very good sex and afterwards, we laid their cuddling, getting to know each other a little more. She opened up to me about her past ex-boyfriends

and how they ruined her confidence in bed. She told me she has a very hard time achieving orgasms with intercourse, but it has no problem achieving with her toy, Bob, battery operated boyfriend. I come from a pretty experienced sex lifestyle and have plenty of confidence myself, and I love to please. I'm a gentleman at heart, and I want to continue to see her, so how can I talk to her and better help her to achieve her orgasms with intercourse?

Thank you. Okay, hey Wes, you do sound like a gentleman, and a lovely guy. talk to her and better help her to achieve her orgasms with intercourse. Thank you. Okay. Hey, Wes, you do sound like a gentleman and a lovely guy. So I like this because it sounds like you guys are experiencing some really good intimacy. I love that you're already talking about things and cuddling in bed and you've had good sex and she's opening up to you. So this all sounds great. So just know that these are two kind of separate things you're talking

about that her somehow her ex-boyfriends have ruined her confidence in bed. I'm not really sure what happened there. And then separately she's having a hard time achieving orgasms with intercourse which I'm not I can't tell here but it doesn't sound like it that she used to be able to orgasm during intercourse and now because she had past boyfriends who ruined her confidence she can't. So I'm going to assume that she's never orgasm during the course and now because she had past boyfriends who were under confidence she can't. So I'm going to assume that she's never orgasm during the course because most women don't orgasm during the course. And so what I'm saying here is that I don't know what happened with the ex-boyfriends.

You can definitely be a great guide to her, treat her well, help her with confidence if they were really emotionally abusive. I'm sure you can do that. But the orgasm during during intercourse thing is that something you're gonna be able to give her the orgasm. You can talk to her and say, I'd love to explore with you and figure this out, but if I were you, I would take the pressure

off the orgasm with intercourse. Maybe work on giving her some more oral sex and working on like figuring out what turns her on, what are her hot buttons. She's had some problems in the past. She went really need to be able to learn to trust you even more so she can truly let go. Because when we come out of bad relationships,

it can be hard and her walls might be up and she might be shut down. But if you're patient and you have a lot of experience and then you should know that women can take some time to get comfortable into settle in. So I would just start having a really open talk about intimacy and that you want to explore with her and you know, it's okay if she wants to bring Bob, her boyfriend, her toy boyfriend

to bed, but also to play around, see how she masturbates, then you could provide some pleasure, but I wouldn't get tripped off on the whole orgasm during intercourse things because I'm telling you that can set up a lot of women up for failure, feeling like they're just never going to do it, they're not going to get there. But talking about giving her some amazing pleasure and learning and exploring together, that I'm all on board with. Thank you, West, for that email. Okay, we have a fellow Emily who's 27 in New Mexico and she writes Dear Emily, I'm hoping

to get some advice from you. I have my third first date ever on Friday and I'm very nervous. I've been in serious relationships before but have only started them with people I'm already friends with. And I'm trying to branch out and date new people. The guy I'm seeing Friday seems great, and I'm excited, but my question is, how do I navigate the conversation on a first date?

I know I shouldn't hide things, but I also feel like there's a time and place for certain subjects like baggage. Thank you for everything that you and your team do, listening to your podcast this last year has really helped me gain self-confidence and made me realize it's okay to see a therapist with your podcast finally helped me do. Oh, I'm so glad Emily that makes me really happy to help a fellow Emily and to help

everybody realize that yes therapy is okay, we all need a little therapy. So this totally makes sense Emily about dating that you're like you know a little nervous and you just want to keep the confidence up. Think about with this is that I know it's a lot of pressure to have a first date and like how do you do it, but how would you, what if it happens when you connect with someone at a party or when you're at a friend's bar of a queue and you don't know anyone, it's really the same kind of thing.

Being yourself, being open, and just kind of talking, asking questions, it's really good to be a good listener and to ask a lot of questions. I don't think you want to reveal everything on the first date and not just because you probably wouldn't reveal everything to a new friend on the first time you meet him. So it's really about finding more about this person and also revealing the things about yourself

that you love or things you like doing and seeing if you guys are compatible. And really also paying attention. I think that this is a great tip that I used to be so much about on dates like, oh, I just want this person to like me, right? I'm going to say things and do things so they like me and that felt right. But then I've met that about like, well, I'm also here on this date. Like you're both trying to figure out if you guys are a match.

So do your best to bring your best self to the table when you're with them and like, and just kind of really pay attention to the words that he's saying. Like, do they match up with your values? and just really pay attention to the words that he's saying. Like, do they match up with your values? Does it feel like someone that you could spend some time with? So make it less about, I don't know, I guess just trying to impress and just being yourself and that's very different than revealing everything.

Because I know his women with our friends were like, oh, can we connect by talking about everything that's bad and wrong? That's how women connect a lot. Like all of our suffering. But with him, I think just make it light and be honest and try not to be too stressed about it, take a few deep breaths, do what you do that can relax. And I think it's even nice to let them know that you're nervous.

I mean, I think that there's nothing more authentic in real than saying, oh, this makes me nervous some time to talk. I mean, I think that's the realest thing that you can say and it'll put you at ease. So be curious, ask questions, be yourself, and just remember it takes practice. So just know that if you leave a first date and you feel this, leave this date, doesn't feel great. Keep going out. It's like everything in life. Dating is a muscle. And if we don't use it over time, it can get kind of shaky. If you've never done it, then you're building it up right now, Emily. So it's not your first or last date,

so just do your best and keep getting out there. So thanks for that question, Emily. That's a really good question. Okay, I hope you guys enjoyed the show. God, I love these talking to you. Jen and Lauren, and I love all of you. Thank you so much for listening. Thanks to my amazing team,

Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemley.com.