Sex With Emily - Sex Life Hacks You Won’t Regret

Episode Date: February 3, 2023

A stale sex life can cost us much more than our orgasms. When we stop physically connecting with our partners, we grow resentful, distrustful and uninvested in our relationship’s future. And while it’s common for sex with the same person to become monotonous over time, relationships need intimacy to survive. That’s why today’s show is all about spicing up your sex life. From a partner who doesn’t want to open up about their sexual preferences, to growing tired of the same old routine - I offer ideas from gamifying your sexual communication to taking penetration off the table. We’ll also hear plenty of real-life success stories of couples reviving their intimacy, which I know will inspire you to do the same. If it’s better sex that you and your partner want, there’s hope on the horizon. Show Notes:Sex Drive Boosting WorkoutsGifts For Every Turn On: Valentine’s Day Guide 2023OdelaHealth.com/SexWithEmily to save $50Yes No Maybe List, Mutual Masturbation Guide, & MoreLELO SONA 2 Cruise (code SEXWITHEMILY for 25% off all products)Lube Shooter 4-Piece Set Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We're not going to even try to have sex tonight. We're going to try to prioritize our energy, our connection right now. We're not going to prioritize just the old in and out, turning the lights off, pounding away, no foreplay, rolling over, falling asleep. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. A stale sex life can cost us much more than our orgasms.

When we stop physically connected with our partners, we micro-recentral, distrustful, and uninvested in our relationship's future. And while it's common for sex with the same person to become a monotonous over time, relationships need intimacy to survive. That's why today's show is all about spicing up your sex life. From a partner who doesn't want to open up about their sexual preferences to growing tired of the same old routine, I offer ideas from gamifying your sexual communication to taking penetration off the table.

Intentions with Emily For each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention for the show, and I encourage you to do the same. Well, my intention is to breathe new life into your sex routine. No matter what state yours is in, we can all be inspired by those who've made the changes necessary to improve theirs. Often all you need to start is communication. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article, SexDrive Boosting Workout is up at sexwithemlee.com.

Oh, plus remember, check out my gift guide, GIFs for every turn on. Valentine's Day gift guide 2023, both the which will be linked in the show notes. Check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me questions, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or 5, 5, 9, 8, 2, 5, 5, 7, 3, 9. Just leave your name, your age, where you live, and how you listen to the show.

And totally cool to change your name or choose to remain anonymous. All right, before we get into today's episode, I want to tell you about our partner, Odella Health. Odella is the very first virtual health clinic that's solely focused on women's sexual health. Basically, they make it that much easier and more accessible for all the owners to get the care they need,

particularly if you are postpartum, paramanopausal, or postmenopausal. We're getting so much more information about these stages of life that every single woman's going to go through, and probably about 50% of the population might be going through right now. So Odella is a place to go to for free consultations and unlimited follow-ups with their medical team of top sexual health doctors and yourologists. For many of the concerns that you all share with me, you'll want to seek out physicians who are experts

in care for vulva owners. They also offer vaginal estrogen prescriptions and chippity, so you don't have to go to the pharmacy. And these prescriptions are game changers for so many people with Volvo's. For a free virtual treatment and $50 off your first prescription, go to odelehealth.com slash sex with Emily. That's o-d-e-l-A-H-E-A-L-T-H.com slash sex with Emily. Or just click the link in our show notes. All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. I kind of like this take sex off the table sometimes. I forget about things that I've talked about in a while.

I was going back and I was looking at these old videos we have from like 10 years ago that I was answering emails, you know, answering your calls. And it's funny because even for me I'm like, oh yeah, that was a big part of what I used to say because just the pressure, like, oh, we all got to have the sex. We got to have the penis, cause if it's a vagina, then we got to get warmed up, and I don't feel ready. Who defined that as being sex anyway? Who decides that that is sex?

That that is what means that we were intimate, we checked out the box. If I just gave you a backer, that doesn't count. Oh, you went down to me, that doesn't count. That would certainly count. That would be a fine evening. But I think that our expectations around things, and the way we built it up in our mind, like,

oh, God, we have to have the sex, that we just think I'm good to do everything I can to avoid it. But what if you could think about this way, flip it, and say, what feels good for me? What would feel good? I'm going to define sex as, we take a shower together, my partner take a bath together, and then we use this amazing massage oil,

and we just sort of lay around, and we make out, we give each other a massage, and then that's going to be our intimate moment. That's going to be it. Organisms might happen, sure, but it's not all about penetration. So the point is, how are you thinking about, we haven't had sex in a while?

What does it look like? Does it mean maybe you haven't made out in six months? Does it mean we haven't looked into each other's eyes? We haven't shared anything intimate? We just think it has to be the sex. Because you're always asking me how many times a week? What does it look like? What are healthy couples having? And I would tell you that first off, there's nothing that's normal, but I think one time a month isn't enough. I'll tell you that. This is from Don 31 in Canada. Long time, Lister from Canada, I've been dating someone for a couple months. We get along famously. She's funny and sexy, the total package. Our sex life is good, but whenever we get intimate, she says that she's lazy

and doesn't like to ask for what she wants in bed. I reassured her that she need that be shy, and we should have open communication. Any tips on how we can improve this aspect of our relationship. This is exactly one of the things I'm talking about here. Nobody likes to ask for what they want in bed. We all want our partners to be mind readers and to figure it out. I mean, I actually believe that. I used to think that my partners must be able to intuit from my body language exactly what I needed. And I thought that men were shipped off somewhere

to a school and that in that men's school, they learned everything about the female body because I had no idea. I mean, really, that's how we don't have information about this. And so, I think that you can work with her on this. Even telling her that she doesn't need to be shy, you should have opened communication, make this fun. Okay, you could make this like, I get what you're saying, but let's, I would just love to hear you right now when we're not in bed. You know, let's talk about what you like.

You could go to our site, you could download our yes, no, maybe list. You guys could take that together. It's an, we just, we're gonna be up doing our new one. Shortly, but it's a list that lists all the sex things. Everything on the table, kissing, anal, foreplay, cuddling, and then you each tick, yes, no, or maybe. I mean, if she's lazy, she wouldn't mind laying down

and clicking off the yes, no, maybe list with you. But I believe that, you know, she should tell you, you could also play a game, make a fun sex game. She likely doesn't know what she needs or has enough experience with her body to be able to ask for it. And that's just the majority of humans on the planet, so that would make sense. I don't think that she's probably holding withholding from you. Another great thing is, you know, I hope she masturbates. I hope everybody practices self-loving, but if she hasn't yet masturbated or

she's, you know, doesn't really know her own body. She only knows her body in relation to another human that can also be challenging because maybe in her past relationships, her partners, they took all the control. So she actually really doesn't have the language. So maybe some mutual masturbation would be hot. And if you know mutual masturbation is one of the top search terms, sex terms, definitely on our site because we talk about it a lot, but in reading things that people are looking for online, people want to know about mutual masturbation, which delighted me when I found that out. It's like, of course they do.

It's the fucking best. You're like, you know you're going to get off. You're learning from your partner what feels good to them. Maybe you get each other off. You switch hand. You get them off. They get each other off, you switch hand, you get them off, they get you off, but you're just, it's a sure thing. And it's a great learning tool. So we have another email that was along the same lines. This is from Rachel 25, In Missouri. And she says, I've been having roadblocks that I can't seem to get over.

My fiance and I have been together for almost seven years. And I'm afraid I'm not good enough. I mention to him your podcast and how it's helping me open up about sex with him and both of our desires. I'm stuck because I'm afraid I'm just too comfortable with him if that makes sense. There's no excitement. He stuck in his routine. I'm confused because I'm trying to spice things up. But now he's just for lack of better word, bored. I don't know what to do because this leads to other issues as well. So that's a great point, Rachel. A lot of times when we stop having sex,

does lead to other issues, or the other issues led to you not having sex. Sort of like a chicken and egg thing here, right? What happened first? That's why we have to look at our sex life holistically. How are you communicating? Was anything going on with you physically? Have you been drinking more? Are you not making time for each other? How's your health? Have you won a new medication that could be impacting it?

The fact that you're having no excitement, you're stuck in a routine seven years, you're not good enough. Okay, why do women do this more? That we think it's our fault. We just automatically say, we're not having sex, so I'm boring. My partner's bored, I must be boring. And I understand also Rachel that you're saying that I'm stuck because I'm just too comfortable with him. Yeah, that makes sense. Happens to every couple if they don't constantly keep it interesting and change it up and do something different. So one recommendation that I was thinking about, and this is particularly for couples who feel that lately, sex is becoming a chore.

I mean, usually there's someone who wants it more than the other one. There's the high desire partner, and there's the low desire partner. And the low desire partner has all the power because they're the ones who get to decide when the sex is happening. So that's one thing.

What if you're both bored, right? I mean, sex then becomes this thing that you're thinking, especially the load as your partner is going, oh, God, I gotta get naked, I gotta get interested. And then if I don't have an orgasm, my partner's gonna be upset. And I didn't charge the toys, I didn't shave my leg. You know, to read all the things, it feels like a big deal. But what if you're never in the mood for sex? It can feel like it's hopeless. I understand that. But what about taking sex off the table,

taking intercourse off the table? PV sex, penis and vagina sex, penetrative sex. Because what happens is with our lower desire partner, any really partner, you do feel pressure and you might just want to be like, I just want a hand rub or a foot rub or a back rub. I just want to connect with you intimately. We're not going to even try to have sex tonight. We're going to try to prioritize our energy, our connection right now. We're not going to prioritize just the old in and out, turning the lights off, pounding away,

no foreplay, rolling over, falling asleep. That's not going to be your arousal thinking about that kind of sex. Remember when you were in high school, and it was so hot, because maybe you weren't having sex yet, or you're in the back seat of the car, and you were making out,

and you couldn't quite have sex, because either maybe you're in your home, or your parents are coming home, or you're in the car, whatever was happening, but it was exciting. It was a thrill. You can bring that back to your relationship. That might not even be something you want right now

with your partner like, yeah, but I don't even feel like making out. Just say, I'm gonna massage your feet for 10 minutes and then you're gonna massage a part of my body for 10 minutes. And what you'll find is, you might just connect on that. And if you've made the rule that it's not about sex, that it's just the time when you're focusing on connection,

who knows? Maybe you'll lead to it. And of course, that's cool. But what if you're like, and we're not going to do that, we're going to try something else. We're going to try something else. So you might find yourself transitioning

from sexual desire into whatever kind of sex. But I think that we have to remember that a barometer for good sex isn't just about orgasms and penetration. There's other ways you can keep it hot and interesting, especially if you put a little rule around it that we can't have an intercourse and we have to get creative. So I'm going to help you have some more tips for that as well. I feel like we all need a little little little info. Let's talk to Greg 55 in Ohio.

Greg, what's going on? Hi, Dr. Emily. Hi. I just wanted to call back. We spoke the other day and I was talking about trying to introduce my partner into interest in the BDSM, which I enjoy. I don't know if you remember or not. I do.

Well, tell me, yeah, you're something you want to be submissive, right? I'm submissive, yeah. And you gave me some really good advice and did go to your website. And my partner and I, we did sit down and we went through, and she said a little more to the conservative side, at least I kind of thought. I found out a bunch of things about it. I didn't know. This is amazing, Grant. Okay, keep on.

Yeah, so I just wanted to call back and kind of let you know how things were progressing from that aspect. The advice you gave me was outstanding. We're talking on a different level now. And it would, it helped bring her out of her shell and open up that conversation and it was, it was incredibly valuable to most of us. Greg, I'm so happy to hear that. So can we just rewind for a first off? I'm so glad you called to tell me, I would land it because I don't know, we hang up, might not hear from you again, God, I hope Greg, you know, God is way so could you walk me through, if you feel comfortable? How it changed because you've been together a while, right?

Along with you with your wife? About four years. Yeah, you directed me to your website and a look to go through the work that you have of things you like and things you don't like and you know, you're yes, those are maybe that type of thing. I did that and presented that tour and we sat down and we had a couple classes of wine and talked through everything and we went off in our own separate ways to kind of go through this and we got back together and had a really good conversation and shared our discussions around this. And it's on a level that her and I have never really experienced before in the communication side talking about sex. It's been kind of

uplifting for both of us. So it's opening up my eyes. It's kind of open her eyes and I'm excited to see where this is going to go, but you want to make a call back and kind of let you know how things were progressing and where it was going. I'm so happy that you can like turn around and see it's possible. You know you had these assumptions that she was a little more conservative and you found out that she's got some stuff she's into. You know, we don't know until we talk about it. I'm such a, I'm so happy, Greg, thank you for calling back in and please keep me posted.

You know, this is just the beginning, you know, of your sex life. What's possible? What's the next step? Yeah, I hope so. What's the next step? What's gonna happen this weekend? Yeah. Well this weekend?

Yeah. Well this weekend we're actually going away for a night. Tomorrow night we're going to go away and spend the night and just kind of come a little more intimate and talk more and figure out how we want to approach this going forward. You know, she has some things that she kind of wants to try. Do you mind sharing with me one thing that you learned that she wants to try that you were surprised? You know, we talked about fantasies and things like that.

And her one fantasy is she wanted to bring somebody into the bedroom with us. And you know, it's like, okay, but I didn't realize that that was a really deep desire of hers. I'm willing. And, you know, we've got to figure out and talk about how and where and who and the ground rules and that type of thing. But I explained to her that I would be more than willing to help her fulfill that fantasy. That one of them, the other one is she wants to explore a bisexual relationship, which is something that I would have never guessed. So that one we've got some more talking to do.

I personally don't mind. It just kind of caught me off guard. We're going to talk through that and we're going to spend the weekend talking. My aspect is I enjoy BDSM elements and try her to us being together. I had a dominatrix that I was with. That's how I was entered into the lifestyle. So she's open to reaching out to watching a session to understand. Craig, I can't even imagine, look how far you've come. This is amazing to me. But it was your advice that kind of broke that ice. And that's why I wanted to tell you that.

It opened both of our eyes to what we were keeping to ourselves. Yeah, just hadn't thought to bring it up, right? It's really hard to bring it up. If you approach it in a way that's, hey, let's just talk about it for us. It's a game changer and so many couples. It's just a wonderful example, Greg. I'm so happy

for you. Because it does work. This advice to have a healthy conversation about sex, yes, it's scary, but you were nervous to bring it up and you didn't know how she would react and you had some assumptions because you would never talked about it that maybe she would be into certain things. And now you get to go away for the weekend and keep kind of brainstorming and fantasizing and playing to get thinking about what's possible. It's so exciting.

It's like going on a sexual magic carpet ride together. Greg, this just gives me so much joy. Now, I mean, no pressure, but if you call me back, go on here. The weekend goes. I'm following you on your journey. You just want to email me. I'm so thrilled that you called in to let me know that the advice worked to have a healthy conversation with your partner. No, and I thank you for that. Of course. I got you. I'm here for you

Greg. I'm so, my whole team here, we're so overjoyed really. You deserve this. And so does she. Why not meet each other? Why not make sex an incredible experience for both of you? You're married. You got a whole life together. Thanks, Greg. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling it. When we're back, I'll share more advice on how to revive your sexual team and also share some of your success stories. So stick around. We also got a question from Hector, 32, in San Bernardino, California. He has a question about loob shooter tips, and you're probably going, what the hell's a loob shooter?

Well, you know that I'm a huge fan of loob. I think that loob is so underrated and that a lot of you just don't have loob. You don't have quality loob. You only use it. If there's a huge problem, but I believe that every sex act is highly improved by adding a few drops of loop. Well, he said, my wife and I have recently been having a lot of pegging sex lately, meaning that she is penetrating

him with a dildo in his anus. My question is, when applying the loop, do we insert it all the way in, me and then eject the lube also for the lube tablet, what brand do you suggest? All right, I wish I had a lube shooter here, but I don't. So a lube shooter just kind of looks like a syringe, but it has lube in it. So what you do is you fill it up with lube and then, and you could use this in your vagina as well. But if you put it in the anus, you want to go about halfway in

and you want to fill the lube shooter up halfway as well. You put it halfway in, you want to put it all the way in and then you just kind of slowly release it. And then there's like no mess, there's no cleanup, you know that you are well lubricated because remember, your anus is not self lubricating. And so that's when tears happen, that's when anal sex can be super painful.

So you want to always prepare for anal, and I love the idea of a loop shooter, and you can get loop shooters for like 12 bucks in some places. Okay, we've an email, this is from Lydia, and she's 27 in Illinois. Hey, Dr. Emily, I've been masturbating for as long as I can remember, and I've never had any trouble orgasming.

I use only my fingers and calm every time. But I wanted to try to toy to take my orgasms to the next level. I purchased a vibrator that can be used either internally or externally, and I hate it. The vibrations make my clit involve a numb and or burn or itch and it hurts when used internally. I used lube and tried it multiple different times in different ways, but never reached orgasm and was left with a numb vulva. Should I stick to only using my hands or should I try purchasing a different toy? Is my clip too sensitive for toys? I want to be someone that uses toys to mix up masturbation and partnered sex, but I'm worried I won't be able to and I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars trying to find the right toy.

Thanks. All right, thank you for your question here, Lydia. So it's really common for both owners to have a sensitive clitoris, and sometimes it just really hurts to be touched. Sometimes this comes out as not being able to appreciate or tolerate oral sex. Like if someone goes down on you, it's too sensitive. But all that said, maybe just the wrong toy for you. First thing that came to mind was a suction toy that have been popular in recent years because what they do is they offer indirect stimulation to the

clitoris. It's more of a blowing than a sucking, to be honest. I'm into this kind of toy for you. Leilo has a toy called the Sonat 2 Cruise. So this is a really powerful, yet gentle toy. Gentle because it does stimulate the entire clitoris, and you have to have a lot of satisfaction from it, but it doesn't touch your clitoris directly. So you know what I'm saying? So it's kind of like a blowing air that simulates oral sex. And this style of vibe is really popular right now and a lot of different

vulva honors I know all love it. In fact, I haven't heard from many people that they don't love these kind of toys. And the Sona 2.1 from Leilo is just adorable. It's purple and it has really great functionality. It's waterproof, really easy to clean. It uses premium silicone of course, and just allows for pleasure that you can use all over your body. You can use it on your nipples, you can use it on your partner's body, and so I'm down with this. And if you want to try it out actually, you can get 25% off all Lalo products just use code Emily, and we'll also put that in the show notes for

you. Let's talk to Sarah 35 in Arkansas. Tell me everything. Okay, I've been married for and 13 years. We've got three kiddos and we're actually closing on a new home tomorrow. And it has been really fun to know that like okay these are the last peanuts we're gonna have in this house that we've lived in for almost a decade and let's just have some good sex to kind of commemorate all the lovely half of the house that's been really good. That's beautiful. And then we're gonna have new house sex. Tell me about one memory from your old house sex to celebrate the old house sex Anything fun? Yeah, so one of the first things that we did in in the old house was kind of Kristen each room

managed the bathroom Yeah, so that's a really good memory Yeah So that's a really good memory. That's a good thing. Thank you. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

Sarah, congratulations. Really? Buying a house is a big step. A new house, a new chapter. It is. So congratulations. Thank you so much. Thank you so much.

Thanks Sarah. Thanks for calling. David, 40 in Tennessee. Hello. He's got an update. I love it. I love it. I love it. great sex. Thanks Sarah, thanks for calling. David, 40 in Tennessee. Hello, he's got an update.

I love an update. Tell me everything. Hello. Hi. Yeah, we did as you suggested. We invited him over. Let me just recap, David. You called about having a six,

you had another couple that you've been swinging with for many years, and you wanted to bring in another couple, so there'd be six six of you and you did it. Okay, so tell me everything. Just got to be everyone up to speed. Well, they were interested in joining us and we were not sure how to go about it. Right. And they were a little timid. So we just, we all got together kind of had a pool party. We just kind of let things kind of happen. I guess they still have some questions, but they seem to enjoy themselves.

Okay. Well, that's good. So you guys are a for some essentially that you've been together for 10 years. You and your wife have partnered with this other couple as a for some. And you would met this couple and you're like, well, we don't even know. We're so out of practice. How do we get someone to feel safe? And

that this would be something that would benefit them. So you did the thing. You casually had them over without the pressure. Yeah. All right. We just let things just kind of go where it wanted to go. We wouldn't steer in anything in any direction. We just just. So what happened? Like, was there fooling around? Was there pleasure, forever? Yeah, I mean, I started off with the pool. We had a few drinks a lot of her.

Well, we get in the pool, nude of course. And things just kind of go from one to another. Like, he was a little quicker to warm up, but everybody was having a pretty good time by the end of the night. Great. So you think they'll come back? I think they will. We're just not going to make it every weekend thing for a while. Just kind of take it slow. Yeah. I think that's a good idea. Because then after a while, you're like a six-some again. You get sick of anything.

No, I think that's cool. Okay, I would communicate with them. You could even follow up and say, any tips for couples who want to swing and they haven't done it yet, any tips about how you've done it. A lot of people ask me about it and you're already, you're professional. What's your number one tip?

I wouldn't say professional, but it don't be pushy. Just let things just kind of, let curiosity take over. Right. And... Curious and pay attention. Eventually, yeah, once you're around each other enough, things will just kind of happen. Yeah.

Alright. Thanks, David. Keep me posted, okay? We'll be following you. I appreciate it. Success. Alright. Alright.

I'll be here for you! That's it for today's episode, see you on Tuesday! Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily! Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email.

So sign up at sexwithemily.com. And while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. A go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast.

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