Sex With Emily - Sex + Life in Your 50s w/ Dr. Wednesday Martin

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

It’s time to debunk the toxic myths around sex and age. Does sexual satisfaction drop off as you get older? Absolutely not! In fact, the data tells us the exact opposite is true. Today, anthropologist, bestselling author and my dear friend Dr. Wednesday Martin and I lay out the facts, which is fitting: we’re both in our fifties! If you’re not in your fifties yet, here’s what you can look forward to. It’s the decade many of us hit the reset button on our sexual desires. It’s the decade you start purely having sex for pleasure. And it’s the decade your confidence and communication get even better because you’ve honed your relationship (and career!) skills. Wednesday and I talk about why your fifties are so sexy, the signs of perimenopause and menopause and how to treat both, and our best advice for younger women.See the full Show Notes at sexwithemily.comShow Notes:The 6 Best Masturbation Toys10 Ways to Use Lube During SexPodcast: Dating Younger Men, Canceling Threesomes: Emily Tells AllThe Menopause Manifesto, Dr. Jen Gunter: Bookshop | Amazon@ABlackGirlsGuidetoMenopauseMenopocalypse, Amanda Thebe: Bookshop | AmazonWomaness (code EMILY for 20% off)SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $69)Sex With Emily: HomeMore Sex With Emily: Instagram | Twitter | Facebook | TikTokMore Dr. Wednesday Martin: Instagram | Twitter | Website (wednesdaymartin.com) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You guys do not catastrophize about midlife. I am literally indescribably more happy, feel better about my body more confident, and just more living in a space of delight in my fifties than ever before. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. I'm coming out with a topic I haven't talked about too much on the podcast. My age, well today, my dear friend, anthropologist and sex expert Dr. Wednesday Martin and I are

talking about how the fifties are actually the hottest decade ever. And not just because of the hot flashes. Not convinced? Stay tuned. I promise this episode has something for everyone. Please rate your views, sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show, my new articles, six of the best toys from masturbation, and 10 ways to use lube during sex are up on shop.sexththomly.com. Art everyone, enjoy this episode.

[♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Welcome to the show again, Dr. Wednesday Martin. So good to have you here. I could not be more excited to be here with you today because I love our topic and I have a question for you. Okay. Do you remember that time I accidentally outed you? I do remember what you're talking about.

It wasn't accidental. It was the first time I shared some information on the show. It was not. I was not outing you about your sexuality. That's true. That's true. But it was something that people can be just as touchy about. Yeah, absolutely.

I realized that on the episode where Wednesday interviewed me, yes, about my book and my life, which you guys have totally listened to, we can link it in the show notes, but I realized that it was very personal. I revealed a lot and we talked about my age. Yes. I don't often, listen, you can Google me, it says my age, but I often don't talk about age-related matters. For many reasons, but one of them is, you know,

when I started the show, I was like 35, and I would, early on, was talking about my hookups and all the things I was doing, and then as I grew older matured, I just sort of became less relevant about me, and the show became more about my listeners, but you were able to bring a lot of stuff out of me that I hadn't quite revealed so I thought today show would be really fun to talk about Sex in your fifties aging and sex what happens what you need to know and

How we can help other people because we're all an age. We're all aging right now Right now you just age everybody as you're listening this. You are aging and everybody's gonna age. And you know what I love? I just love that you went with it because there are a lot of taboos around aging. And when you look at the data, you see that a lot of our preconceptions about aging and sex and vitality and all these things

are so actually incorrect. Like we have a lot of old ideas about people in the 50s, women in the 50s especially, but what I love about that you just came out with that when I asked you was you were doing something brave. I mean I remember when I first moved here. I first had a deal in LA and I was talking to an executive and his wife who is a very like out there feminist and communicates it and he said to me my kids came in and he looked at my kids and he was doing some math and he said how old are you and I was at the time 49 and he looked at me and said I'm gonna say something

to you. I really really hope you'll listen to me. This is really, really important. And he said, do not ever tell anyone ever how old you are ever if you want a career, any kind of career and entertainment, or if you want your career to flourish, basically anywhere. He said, do not have another birthday party. Do not talk about your age. Do not disclose your age. He said, you could get another birthday party. Do not talk about your age. Do not disclose your age. You could get away. People probably think you're 35 and your career will go a lot

better if you don't correct that notion. And so the next thing I decided to do was write a book. I mean, my 50 is good for you. I mean, really, I, I, I have gendered ages and there's ages. I'm right. There is ages. And then there's gendered ages. I's ageism, right? There is ageism. And then there's gendered ages. I'm like, I look at Brian Cranston's craggy face every day on a huge poster on sunset. I look at Harrison Ford's craggy, wrinkled face. I'm like, they look hot. We do not allow that for women, right?

And we have to do all the things to keep up, right? You have like Botox and your hair done. All the things that women have to do in men, like, oh, he's older, he's just more attractive, the dad bod, the wrinkles. Yeah, there's just, it's kind of sexier when men get salt and pepper. Yeah, and they get like grovitas, right?

They're like silver backs. I had similar messaging when I moved here at 42 to LA, from San Francisco, and people were taking similar things to me. You don't talk about your age. You look so young, which always felt great. It feels good. I'm being like, oh, you seem so much younger.

And so maybe we should just first talk about what are some of the things because we're going to debunk all these myths. But one of the things that we do here, I heard that, oh, in your 50s life is over. I remember reading all these articles about women who were like when I became 50s When I was younger, but when I became 50 I felt invisible. Yeah, I had no more power. I felt that no one saw me Yeah, and I've I've got some of those things. I me too. I'm in my experience Okay, let's talk about it. What else do it's really important? I think to front load What the negativity is in our culture and in our minds, right? Okay, well, if you'll indulge me,

there are some data-driven facts. There are some clear data that there are things about being a woman in your 50s that are harder. Here's something, how about this? Women in their 50s are more likely to get fired than men in their 50s. Women in their 50s earn less than men in their 50s and less than women in their 20s, 30s and 40s. And if you're a woman in your 50s and you're attempting to re-enter the workforce, that will be harder for you than it would be in your 20s, 30s or 40s. That's no good. We don't like that. We also don't like that as we age. Some people including people in the medical profession, there have been studies that show that people in the medical profession tend to be more dismissive of women in general and what we're

describing is going on in our bodies. But as women age, the data show is that we're considered less and less reliable narrators of our own experience in the doctor's office. And so healthcare professionals, especially white ones, the data tell us, tend to harbor bias against women in their fifties and beyond. These are actual real experiences that women have in the 50s nationwide. Ageism is a very real thing and discriminating against people for their ages is a real thing and discriminating against women more is a real thing. Maybe maybe it gets better when you get to that grandmother stage, right? And you're not... People open doors for you and give you your seats on the bus that way. And they're like, oh, she's a grandma. Yeah, and we have a lot of cultural love for grandmas.

But we do know that people harbor bias against older Americans and especially older American women. I mean, these are the facts, but you know what? I mean, Emily, you and I have talked about this. We have undergone incredible changes in our 50s that for me, I'm just going to say this in spite of all the data. I feel better, hotter, happier, happy joyous and free, sexually satisfied than ever before in my fifties. And the data show that a lot of women are doing that. I think it's about the people, my friends,

the people I surround myself with, my family, my mother, who's 80. She never wants, have I heard her say, oh God, I'm older, my back hurts, my this hurts. She acts as if she could be 50 or 40 and she never let age hold her back. It wasn't like her and I feel like it's mindset. I haven't felt that discrimination and I think I personally don't identify with

now I'm 50 and I have limitations. So I think it's been a mindset of mine. That's a big part in and I'm important. It's really important. My mindset has been like great. Like bring it on. In fact, I don't look back to any part of my life and wish I wish I was 39 again. I wish I was 25 again.

God no, I wish I was God. You couldn't save me to go back to my 20s. I think that there's so much now that we know we kind of covered what people believe to be true and now I have to say, I do have some friends who have said to me, oh, but we're old now, like in our 40s, like we're getting old, we're old,

we're like, and I was like, stop, I'm literally saying, we are not talking like that. If you are actually have internalized ageism, that's something to look at. And say, am I the one who's telling myself I'm older and I shouldn't be doing these things? I think I shouldn't go to that bar, I shouldn't apply for that job.

I shouldn't wear the skirt. Exactly. I shouldn't wear this bodysuit. Yeah, very sexy in this bod body suit. I love that profound idea about mindset. It's really important. And there is something supporting us in that mindset, which is a very simple fact. Remember, we were joking everybody's aging like your experiencing cellular turnover, your aging right this second as you're listening, you're aging. Everybody's aging, everybody's gonna age. But here's another great thing that supports your positive mindset. The entire country is aging. The average age of an American was 30

in the 80s. Most recently, the average age, our average national age, is 38. But there's a lot of other stuff going on where lifespan is extending for those of us who are lucky enough to be privileged to take advantage of advanced nutrition, more knowledge about diet and exercise and how they impact us better cancer treatments. For a lot of reasons, the whole entire American population is aging. In fact, there's going to be a watershed moment in 2030 when older Americans out in number younger Americans, and it's going to be for the first time in our history. So I just want to say this, when you're feeling a positive mindset about aging and you're like, I'm not

that old, right? I always say that the age that most Americans believe is old when they're pulled, they say 57, right? But because the entire population is aging, 57 is not the old 57. 57 is younger and the fat look, Nicole Kidman's not going to stop working. She's in her 50s. Reese Witherspoon, I don't know how old she is, but Angela Bassett, she's not going anywhere. Viola Davis just started kicking ass in her 50s, right? So all these women coming into their power, Shonda Rhymes, in their 50s, I mean, we're gonna see more and more of that because we're not going away.

We're living longer and we're like, listen, I'm not gonna live the last 40 years of my life in orthopedic shoes. Exactly. And not having sex. No, well, we're gonna longer and we're like, listen, I'm not going to live the last 40 years of my life in orthopedic shoes. Exactly. And not having sex. No, well, we're going to get to the sex part. But I think that 50s are the decade where we're likely to see women press the reset button by asking for divorce, right?

Decade most likely to file divorce is the 50s because I think the kids are off to school, they're empty nesters, they realize what else is there. And they also realize, this is what I want. They're asking to change a relationship container from an agamist to nomadogamist, acting on desire to be with a woman after years of being heterosexual. Yeah.

Starting a business. Yep. And then when they do, they're much more likely to succeed than younger people, women, and their 50s. I guess they're starting businesses, Emily, because of two things, like they finally have the self-confidence and maybe the resources, but also maybe they're experiencing gendered ageism

and getting the boot at their jobs. We have the knowledge, we have the wisdom, also we have the confidence. Yeah, feeling a sense of swagger. The data proves something that our 50s for women, it's this time of incredible bravery. I mean, we're literally changing the social fabric and saying I want a divorce. We're saying, guess what I want to be with the woman now. We're saying, guess what? I don't want to be a monogamous.

We're saying, guess what? I'm starting a business. You know, we're changing the social fabric. And I want women in their 50s to get credit for it for how we are shaking thing. Like this is not a decade of like drying up and decline, which I don't know. We've kind of told that it's not. This is like this. This is daring, dude. This is like dazzling daring and doing in our 50s. Exactly. You're an example of that. Hmm. Thank you. So are you Wednesday. Stay tuned because after a quick break for our sponsors, Dr. Wednesday Martin and I are talking more about how life is hotter in our 50s and also sharing some of our menopause and perimenopause experiences. All right everyone, be right back!

I do think this thing that you said about women having more swagger and confidence in their fifties is completely right and that's what my book free agent is about. And in free agent, I really say that I don't think there's anything tougher or more revolutionary than a woman in her 50s. You know, she's been on the wrong side of power probably for decades. She has a lot of experience and she's entering a big transformation. Hey, I can't get pregnant from sex anymore. Hey, if I have kids, maybe they're gone. Hey, if I'm A lesbian, maybe I'm feeling more confidence than ever before. Hey, maybe money's not such a problem right now

We're just entering this transformation and we're having fewer Boxes Your box,. I love living in a big life. I do too. We can follow our intuition more, which is something that I've always been told to do, but it was a little bit harder to do, having confidence. Knowing that we can move through different experiences, like when things used to get me down, like, oh, this thing didn't work out or this project didn't go through or something happened with a friend, it used to feel like, oh, God, what do I do? Like every time a problem happened, I used to feel like I have to solve it differently,

but now I have the confidence of years of saying, this always works out. I've been down this road before. I know what I bring to the table. I know that I'm a good person, that I'm confident, that I'm smart enough, and I don't let things, things don't get me down anymore as much,

and I think that's part of wisdom too. It is part of wisdom, and you know, I think a component part of wisdom is excellence, and a component part of excellence is wisdom. Like you have been working at your craft, honing your knowledge, keeping up to date, communicating for decades now. And you're just getting better and better and better at it and that leads to swagger. I mean, part of it is just like, we're getting better and better at stuff.

And so we're more confident. We're some more confident with the experience. But I also feel sexier, I feel hot, I feel, just confident sexually, like, I know what I'm doing, I feel what I walk into a room, I just, I really don't feel what I think we're told we should feel in our 50s. That's like where the best times in my life.

This is the best decade of my life so far. I'm 57. I finally have come to understand that I am the main character in my own story. You know? Because before it was always about my kids. It was about my friends who needed help. It was about my husband.

It was about helping my husband's career. It was about helping my kids with career. It was about helping my kids with school. It was helping my girlfriends who were going through divorces or infertility. There's something about your fifties that's so wonderful when your kids have fledged if you have them. I didn't have a big commercial success until I was 49 years old. So that piece finally fell into place. I stopped drinking and really leaned into my sobriety in my fifties. And that was life altering and a lot of women are doing the same thing just because and meant to because we can't metabolize alcohol

as well as good for us. You and I have taken steps and also the other way of fifties is about the time you got there a lot of the difficult choices have been made. And also the other thing, wait, 50s is that the time you got there, a lot of the difficult choices have been made. You've made those choices. And you've already decided, have kids or not of kids, you know, where you're career, you know, you're good at. It's like this huge weight is lifted also.

So much tumult is gone. It's so much tumult. You're like, I don't need to decide that. I don't need to prove myself. I don't need to do all these things. I made that decision. So liberating, but I do think that some of the things that we go through, for example, here's the amazing

thing to everyone listening. And I don't care if you have a vulva or a penis because this affects everybody, is that this paramount-opposening, every single person with a vulva is going to go through, can last up to 12 years. And it's a legitimate medical condition that we do not have a lot of information on. We do not have enough information. We are just talking about menopause and period menopause in the last year and a half or so. It's become it's really exploded. And just a to find it really quickly, period menopause is that period that surrounds the final years

of a woman's reproductive life. It begins with the first onset of menstrual irregularity and after one year of menorrhea has occurred, so that's your final menstrual period. So there's basically two stages to the paramanopause, or a menopause transition, the early transition where cycles are mostly regular with relatively few interruptions and then the late transition where a menorrhea becomes more prolonged, lasts for at least 60 days, up to the final period. So what you need to know is this, the period menopause is the part that can last up to 12 years. Menopause is one day.

Menopause is the day where year is gone by and you have not had your period. And then you're a menopause. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Yeah. Exactly.

Yeah, exactly. Look, now we're saying the word, especially, I love that it's happening on social media. Yeah, we're saying Perry Menopause. I don't care if it makes men I know throw up. What? Is it like not metwear? I guess I don't want to know those men.

I don't want to hang out with those men. If you, so guys who are listening, now you heard the definition of Perry Menopause and it's a cool thing, you can know, you can support your partner or your sister or your mom. It's really part of your vocabulary as a person with relational skills is to know about parrymenopause and menopause and sort of disavuse yourself of all the stereotypes. And yeah, just be able to know if someone that you care about

is going through a hot flash exactly to be there to support them bring them some ice. I'll remind them not to eat spicy food. Exactly. If somebody is having terrible PMS right we know to be supportive of our girlfriends and the people that we love who are going through terrible PMS. Hormonal transition can be messy and difficult and just to know that it's a transition, that it's a real thing. It's a real thing. Your girlfriend or friend or sister, whoever, that person, she's not losing her mind.

She's not difficult. She has a medical condition that she's going through. It's normal. It happens. It's supposed to happen and there are ways to be supportive ways. She can support herself and ways. You can support her. Right? Yes. Let's just stop acting like it's such a dirty word. We'd all be so much better off if we understood it. So some of the signs of it too, you mentioned like it's like hot flashes and night sweats. A little bit harder remembering things or concentration. You can have some onset of depression. What is it?

It changes in sexual desire. Yes. You might feel a little drier. Your sleep, it might sleep is disrupted. And you know what I just wanted to say really quickly? I, there's a resource that I love about menopause. Okay, tell me. I love it.

It's called the menopause manifesto by Jen Gunture and it is evidence-based advice for surviving the transition in style and to thrive through the transition, but it is also like a lot of cool science and you know how I geek out. So we're not going to really get into a lot of science today, but in case people want to, the menopause manifesto is fantastic by Dr. Jen Gunn-Charles. Can we personalize this a little bit? Let's do it because we've been going through. Yeah, what have you been going through? I want to actually, well, well, we're on pair of menopause because I know you just shared me, we were talking about this that you said it was

hell for you. Like you didn't have information. You got time. You were in New York, access to the best doctors. I want to frame this for people. That it's literally, and then I'm going to get into mine because I living in LA, who knows, I had access about five years ago, but it was still hush, hush. It was still no one was really doing. I had to go out and find my own doctors. But yet your experience was very different

because it wasn't really known the doctors and it was going on. Oh Lord, I mean, I think for sure my OBGYN knew the term parimenopause, but it's almost like when I was going through this starting really at age 36 or 37. First of all, I always had terrible PMS, which is one thing I would say. My whole life, I didn't have cramps and bloating, but I had mood swings and I did have a little bit of bloating, and it was really difficult. Right? Now at a certain point, they do say that bad PMS might be predictive of a more difficult menopausal transition, including through parry menopause. I believe mine started at about 37, but nobody wanted to say it to you. It's like if you have a baby, nobody wants to tell you that the baby has

collic, right? Because you'll slip out. And the baby's crying. Yeah. Why is the baby crying all the time? Oh, the baby's just adjusting. People almost in the medical community at that time didn't want to use the P word with me. So I didn't know what was going on. I had to read about it. You know, I have a background writing about women and sex and gender. And so I did know the term, but not in a way that would be truly helpful for me. And I tried everything. And my really bad PMS just segwayed into a pretty difficult paramount appaul is absolutely. And that lasted, I'm not going to lie it lasted for a long time.

Here's when I decided I have to do something about this. There's a time when your PMS is maybe a few days, right? And you're bloated, you're crabby, whatever your PMS symptoms are, you're having them. You're having cramps, whatever. For maybe three days before you put, then later in your life, it might go to a week before your period. During my parryment and pausal phase, I had those PMSE symptoms. From the moment my cycle ended, to the moment it began again, I had the bloating, the mood swings, the emotional teariness. I had discomfort.

I had two wardrobes. Eventually I was like, when do I get my body back? Because I realized it used to be, I would get my period and then I would get my body back and it would be fine. Then it just got to the point where it's always wearing my period clothes. I was always bloated.

I didn't want anything that hurt me. I needed to be comfortable all the time. That is when I went to my OBGYN and said this parry menopause thing is killing me. And we got serious about trying to do something about one, but one I tell you, I changed my diet, I changed this, I changed that, I changed the other thing. But finally, thank the goddess. I eventually, after a lot of research and figuring out what was good for me, giving my, giving my family history and what I was experiencing and what my doctor recommended, I finally got on hormone replacement. I got on hormone therapy, I guess people call it now. And it was like, whoa, oh my God, life went from being in a minor key to back in a major key. That's amazing. I needed to treat this medical condition that I had.

And what's happening is we are losing our hormones. We're losing pedestrian estrogen and testosterone. And I want to hear how it changed for you actually when you started taking these right away. What did you notice right away? Well, it wasn't like, I did that like, opera voice, because I can be dramatic sometimes. But it was a big improvement.

Here were what some of my symptoms were. My libido never went away. I mean, if you have sex with a partner like do the things that make you feel good even when you're feeling really bad and they can lift you up. We know that when people are like oh I'm not in the mood for sex and then they have sex we know that it actually does enhance their mood a lot of times people report it's like going to the gym right I didn't want to do it but I did it and I felt great.

So that was one thing that really helped me. That was a sex beget sex. That's what we're talking about. You might not always be in the mood for sex, but once you get yourself there, you guys have doing it, you're gonna be so glad that you did. And midlife sex really beget sex a lot.

So that was a big important thing for me during Paramount Appausity. Other really important thing, as you mentioned, was, you know, I was experiencing hormonal fluctuation and change. I don't like to say hormonal decline, but some people use that term. So I got together with my doctor. I'm not going to lie, you guys. I was a little bit like a science experiment. And I would say, why don't you guys know more about this? Why aren't you prioritizing women's health? And my doctor, who's a feminist

like me, said, because we don't prioritize women Wednesday. It's true. You're right. This is a feminist issue. But he and I finally found a protocol, a hormone replacement protocol that really worked for me. And he helped me cut through a lot of the lies and the bullshit that I was seeing on Instagram that people said, this will help, do this, do that. And I really think that one of the reasons I thrived was that I was talking to an OB-GYN

with experience in this area who knew to prioritize my sex life. He knew he had a very sexual patient. And he also knew to talk to me rather than to talk down at me. And those things worked. And yes, there were some rocky roads trying to get the hormones right. But once we did, I slept better, right? I did not have hot flashes, and I really just was enjoying life more in general. Thank you for sharing all of that with me today, because I think it's so important first to point out

that it is a journey. We all have bio-individuality, meaning I hesitate, say like what I did specifically, what you did, although I will talk about it, because you have to go get tested on your own. Because we are all so different about what's going to work for us. Like certain things have worked for me, but didn't work for my friends. Yes, I mean let's face it, there are 21 million women going through menopause

in the United States right now. And their situations are going to be a little different, but let me know overall is that their hormones are changing and that for many of them, hormone replacement might be helpful, but you need a doctor for it. Get it treated because we have so much going on because we're not talking about menopause and because women aren't able to deal with it with the support of a doctor. There was a big New York Times study on menopause and productivity. Oh my God, listen to this.

I love this. Menopause costs American women an estimated 1.8 billion in lost working time per year. The source for that is a Mayo clinic. Right up of a study, I just wrote next to that holy shit. That's amazing. But 1.8 billion dollars lost. And we're just not supporting these women. Did you know that there are some countries where women can take a menopause sabbatical? Well, be amazing. Right. We could we get some days off?

Like, couldn't we, like, it just, if we're actually going through all of these changes and this one point billion loss is because they're taking six days and they're cutting back on hours. But we have to hide it. That's not about shame. That's about shame and sex and feelings. We can't talk about it. I can't come in today because I'm having like a hot flash or whatever, you know, it's like, we can have to hide it. That's not about shame. That's about shame and sex and feeling like we can't talk about it. I can't come in today because I'm having like a hot

flash or whatever. You know, it's like we can't talk about it, but I love that there are studies like this are out there and I love that we've shown that it actually is recommended now for women over 45 to consider her role model placement therapy. We just have to find the right doctors in your area to be able to help you. Yeah, and keep pushing for answers. And so for me, I think it was about five years ago that I started feeling like I had night sweats and I just started, this is my field. So I started hearing more about it.

And it actually was Dr. Drew Pinsky because I was in love with him. And he told me that his wife went through menopause, paramanopause early, like in her 30s. And so he found that when she did these hormone placements, and this was like in 2014, he told found that when she did these hormone placements and this was like in 2014 he told me this she did these hormone pellets You could like set it and forget it and he said that was a change Or she got her sex drive back and everything was great

So I first heard about it then and then when I started going through and I thought well I want to go find out about hormones and therapy and these pellets and so I called out to several doctors And I spent a lot of money going out my own because because insurance didn't cover this. And they just weren't the right fits. They had different competing beliefs around hormones and I finally found one doctor and the thing that I did was I did the pellets. I tried the pellets. You tried the pellets. You tried the pellets.

You tried the pellets. You tried the pellets. Are a little bit more controversial just in that. Well, let me explain this to you. So the hormones that we're talking about that it's important for women to take is progesterone, estrogen and some testosterone. So these pellets, why they're great for me, is because you take those drugs by putting on creams

and lotions, like before I got the palettes, for example, there would be nights where I have to like shoot this thing in my vagina, then I got a rub on the testosterone cream, and you got to take a pair of progesterone, and it's like, I only remember to wash my face that night because I'm exhausted, then I got to do these three steps, and I know myself that the steps are not great for me me repetitive steps

No matter how many reminders, it's not how I move through life So I learned there's a pellet that I can put it like a little it's like the size of a rice pellet Okay, and you put it in your back doesn't hurt at all I go to my gynecologist I had to find one who did it. She's not money that do this and then every three months I go back and I get the right amount Harmones for me now the challenges they say well, what if you need more or less? You can't really alter it. So she started very low with me and then we went up.

And for me, that's worked because in the past again, and then I tried to stop for a while and then went back to the lotions and the potions. And again, I wasn't just keeping up. Okay. Can I tell you, I said to my OBGYN, do better. I said, you guys need to do better for us. I'm putting vaginal estrogen in which I love which has been game-changing and life-changing for me But hey, how about we think that women in their fifties are sexual and so maybe we don't want this cream

Coming out of our vagina Because maybe we enjoy you know someone performing oral sex on us. Maybe we enjoy intercourse, talk to your doctors about this and insist that you want to be sexual and sexy going on in your life. And I was saying that I sometimes complain to my doctor and I ride him and I say, you need to do better for us. And one of the reasons is you put in the vaginal estrogen And it's like well, I'm doing this because I want to have sex and yet here it is a really in

Potential inconvenience and potential embarrassment during sex right you guys that's not good enough women in the 50s One I have sex. Oh and other forms of stimulation might come into play well here's the in midlife two right I didn't get a vibrator until I was 53. Yeah. Oh, best day of your life. I was reborn. I was off to the races. But it's a really good thing that I had it

because as my hormones shifted and my life changed, I needed different forms of stimulation. If anybody ever said to me, you don't need that, you don't need your vibrator. You do still saying that, you know, by the way. You know what happened next. Yeah, exactly. You be out.

I mean, that's the thing is that you'd be like, no, this is not my person. But here's the thing. And here's let's talk about what happens with sex, midlife sex. Yeah, let's talk about you. So the real thing is, yeah, there might be some changes with your vagina. You want to have a loop, but you know how I feel.

I've been using loop for a very long time. We recommend a loop to people in their 20s and 30s and people love loop. But definitely in your 50s, 60s beyond, just have some loop on your nightstand, just definitely use loop. That's gonna help with a lot of the problems. But the other things that could change is,

and this happens decade to decade, and I'd love to do another show where we actually talk about what happens in your 30s, 40s. Because it's also after childbirth, things change. You're different in your 20s and this goes for men too, by the way. But my body the way I get turned on the things that turn me out are different than my 40s. They were different in my 30s. So now by 50s I have to realize that like it's certain positions don't feel as great and also orgasms are just different. They're just a little bit different, but they're still attainable.

In fact, I think I like them more because I have a little bit more knowledge, I think, of how to do them. And I know I can move, but I know I'd explain it. And toys definitely are a game changer for, I think, any stage of life. But toys and lube, I definitely felt my desire to change, but I have to say something else, that I've never been anybody who had strong sexual desire. So I don't know if I've ever even set that on the show, but I remember when I was a little bit of a friend, I was like, I'm so horny, I can't wait to make out

with this guy, I'm so horny. I was always somebody who loved sex, and I never got tired of having sex when I was with a partner, but I'm definitely responsive desire. It's responsive desire. I'm not responding. So I don't think like I needed, I want, I have to consciously say that's what I've consciously made.

Like I'm with somebody, it's important to have sex. Like I want to make a part of our life. I need to figure out the ways that I can hack it. So for me, my hormone of ways in therapy didn't necessarily make me want to have sex more. It's not that I don't want sex, but I never had that lib... I think that many people like this. I just never had it.

I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it.

I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I just never had it. I help us with this. I want to see a study on whether we get better at cultivating our responsive desire as we age and whether it's a really good thing to do because here's something that I hear. On the one hand, a Lumen survey found something great.

Did you know a quarter of people that they interviewed, who were in their 50ifties said that their sex lives were better, more interesting and more adventurous than ever before. So there's that, right? But then there's also, I hear people, men and women say to me that they have less desire. And I think that to your point, they might mean that their spontaneous desire is lower, but that's just that's part of desire. So let's let's call to back what that responsive desire, because you here's the deal, you guys just to explain this. Spontaneous

desires, when you I know Emily's explained it to you before, but we can always use a review. Spontaneous desire is just spontaneous desire. Oh, I just want to have sex. I feel horny. I want to have sex with my partner. I'm so attracted. I want to put my clothes off. Now, responsive desire is more once you're doing it, you're really into it.

This is all with consent and everything you guys always have. Or once something happens, once something happens, something touches you in a certain way. You could even look at something and say, oh, I remember when we had sex on that, right? Or for me, it's literally responsive desires. Maybe I need to watch some porn because I know how enjoyable it's going to be. It's not like it's coming at me like a lightning bolts, right? But once I get into it, knowing that it's gonna be rewarding. So I think cultivating your responsive desire in midlife could be a great strategy for men, for women,

for everyone, because I don't know about you, don't you hear from people who say, like, I just don't want it anymore? Yeah. That is the key, is that I think that we think we don't want anymore so we must not want it. So we're talking about cultivating it. I hear a lot of women say,

it's like, I would be fine if I never had sex again. Have you ever any friends who've said that in their 40s, 50s, like, if I never, and I'm just saying, it's because we are quating our desire to how men typically get around. And to only spontaneous. And just as I'm, and it's more responsive. It's more like, I gotta get in the mindset.

And that's what my whole book, Smart Sex, was about is the five pillars of sexual intelligence is knowing your self-knowledge. Like, when are you turned on? What's going to get you there? What is previously worked for you in the past? How is your body changing? How is your health?

You know, the second pillar, have you looked your hormone, your wellness, there's all these things that we need to look at to understand when we're going to be aroused and turned on. So I think that just to throw in the towel and say, oh, I no longer have a spinoleic desire. And I'm saying, I was never somebody who had a lot of the spank faces. I are, except for the early on in a relationship. Let it be tough.

Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough.

Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. Let it be tough. And this is one of the big myths and I get it this and I'm true and I love that you get into this and smarter sex too One of the biggest myths we have is that women's libidos are quote weaker

Unquote or lower than men's and it's that's just because we were measuring Desire incorrectly. We weren't measuring both spontaneous and Responsive desires, so that's just a little aside, but something for people to know and you know what you know I let love about women and pleasure in our 50s? Can I tell you what I love? Yes. Okay, you know how you've been told,

like, oh yeah, you get older and you have fewer fucks to give as a woman, right? Okay, well, I found this clinical psychologist who specializes in working with women in midlife. And she basically says women in midlife are like revolutionaries. And this could apply to sex too, because she says, women in midlife decide that they are gonna stop

living in this acquiescent place of yes to other people. Yes, I'll do it for the social contract. Yes, I'll do it for my husband's happiness. Yes, I'll do it for my girlfriend's happiness. Yes, I'll do it for the social contract. Yes, I'll do it for my husband's happiness. Yes, I'll do it for my girlfriend's happiness Yes, I'll do it for the sake of my children women stop living in this acquiescent place of yes and it allows us When we're encouraged and given the space to do so to Be more selfish about her pleasure and to have the time in the band with the Energy for it because we're not saying yes to everybody and everything anymore I think that what you're saying is so many times we're thinking about our family our jobs our kids were pleasers

We're providers for nurturing. There's so much responsibility and something happens when you get into your fifties where you're just like this is the time if not now when like with this is the time where I'm going to prioritize my own needs, my own pleasure, my own desires, and not care what anyone else thinks. Not care what anybody else thinks, and like have that selfish moment because I did it all for my kids. I did it all for my husband or my wife.

I'm not sweating so much about money anymore. I'm not worrying who will I be when I grow up? I am a grown up. I'm not thinking I'm a bad person. If I'm not giving free psychotherapy to everybody, you're like, oh hold up. This is the time. You know what I read? Retirees have a lot more sex than people think they do because they're home and they have the time. Yeah. We're having sex exactly. Right? They are. What else are they going to do? Right? No, but also it's true that the other notions that we stop at our 50s are you stop becoming sexual. There's a lot of studies that show that people have sex into their 70s, 80s, 90s.

Yes. Still have that desire. I just saw a headline a few days ago when I was finishing up my book proposal that there are studies that show that a considerable number of women want more sex in their 50s than they wanted it before. And I think I know what I can. Can I tell you one of the things that went into it for me? I couldn't get pregnant anymore.

The amount of time in my life that I spent from my late teens to my mid 40s, because I was pregnant for the last time at 43. The amount of time, the bandwidth that took up in my brain that I was afraid to get pregnant and the pleasure that drained from my sexual experiences, I couldn't even quantify until I got on the other side of it. I couldn't get pregnant. Sex became purely recreational. Didn't have to worry about anymore. What a relief to let that go.

This was a personal revelation. It changed everything. So I think that's one of the reasons too. Plus my kids were out of the house. Plus we opened up our marriage. Sex just. You had all the things working for you. I feel like you did it right.

But so do a lot of other women. They do. Even if they don't open their marriages, right? If they didn't open their marriages, right? If they didn't have kids, they're just at a better place in their 50s. And it's time for women to understand this. I want women in their 20s to understand all the things

they get better in your 50s. They really don't. And young men too. I also want to emphasize though that also, that sex in our 50s too, it just might take a different kind of work. I'm always talking about helping people in different stages of life.

And I think it's work to be honest in every stage of life. I get just many questions from people in their 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s. I just think that there's less information about this and that's why we're talking about this right now. You know, I think it's just really important to know that it doesn't mean that it's over again because you don't have the responsive desire, because you might feel drier, because there might be some pain, because you don't feel great in your body. There's a lot of different reasons, but it doesn't mean that once you get going and we help you put all these pieces in place that you won't want sex again,

and it won't actually be better. I love that you cited the study that showed that women are having more adventurous, exciting, satisfying sex in their 50s. That's the data I think. I think they just finally feel like they deserve it. I know I did. And I think I finally felt like I deserved pleasure.

Yeah, so that's a big part of it. And I know how to get it. Hello, I've been masturbating since I was 12 and I'm 37 Well, right we're also You've been masturbating for 40 years literally you are an expert in your own body And if you have a masturbated yet like this is the time to start my god How amazing would it be for a woman to start masturbating in her 50s? I think many do. She could never.

Yeah, like welcome to the pleasure, pleasure, pleasure, revolution that is midlife. It is, you guys do not catastrophize about midlife. I am literally indescribably more happy, feel better about my body more confident. And just more living in a space of delight in my 50s than ever before. I am done with the struggles. I'm done with figuring out what I'm going to be when I grow up.

I'm done being in my 20s or my 30s in tears trying to figure out what to wear. I put on anything now. I look at myself. Killed it. It's different. Life is better. We have more resources in the aggregate. We have more social support in the aggregate. We have more professional networks in the aggregate. We have more free add some resources for some tips, some books, some great resources for paramanopause, menopause and all that.

Because we wanted to share our own personal experiences. But, and also if you want to hear more about this stuff, we can definitely do more shows, bring in more experts, which you will be doing. And don't forget to follow a Black Girls Guide to Menopause, which is awesome. Okay. And Dr. Jen Guncher, if you're interested

in this stuff, no matter what your gender identity and no matter how old you are, this is really interesting geek out on it science and a way to be a really good friend to anybody who's going through these transitions. Stick around because after Quick Break, when Say and I are sharing our best advice for those of you in your 20s, 30s, and 40s. Hey Emily, advice from us gangstresses of pleasure and self-love for women in the 20s who might not be feeling it? Well, I think the first thing is

Therapy start early with therapy. I think it's really important to find a therapist to start working on stuff that happened Your childhood started to understand your narrative to hear a relationship with your parents because it's going to stay with you for the rest of your life So for me starting therapy in my 20s seeing a therapist regularly was a game changer So I'd highly recommend do the work now. If the student do the work, the more evolved you're going to be, it's going to help you. I know you think you can't afford it. It's too expensive. You don't have time. But there's a lot of different resources right now where you can find the time.

It's really your mental health is probably one of the most important things. I mean, social physical health. But mental health is if you don't have that, it's so much harder to deal in life, to have healthy relationships. It's gonna help you in everything that you do. Amen to that. I mean, if you can afford dry cleaning

and going up for drinks, you can probably afford a sliding scale therapy session. And I love that advice. Here's what I would suggest. Get a vibrator now. I mean it changed my life. I waited until I was 53 as you know. Get a vibrator now. Play with sex toys now. Don't let anybody shut down your curiosity about your body and don't let yourself shut down your curiosity about your body. You guys I'm

going to tell you something. You're in your 20s. Your body is absolutely beautiful. You are just right. You do not need to do anything about any part of yourself, okay? And when you get to midlife and you feel like the baby you are, you're gonna look back and say, damn, I wish I felt this way in my 20s. You guys, I didn't wear a bikini in my 20s.

What on earth was I thinking? I'm wearing one for sure now at 57. You guys, wear the bikini, eat the ice cream cone, have the orgasms, go on the dates, take the risks, apply for the job even though you're only 50% qualified. That's what guys do. Yeah, all the time. Those are all great things. It's true. And I love all of that. It's true. Like take it's so hard though, because my mom used to say to me, she said to me,

do you see these spots on my arm when I would be laying in the sun? These spots on, but you're going to have these spots one day, like put the sun block on and I was like, yeah, but I need to be 10 for problem, I remember. It's like mom, it's so hard to take parents advice when they're telling you this because it's like, but nothing matters more now than be 10 for prom, I remember. I'm like mom, it gets so hard to take parents advice when they're telling you this because it's like, but nothing matters more now than being 10 for prom, mom. So I'm not working some block. And I think the sex part is really big. Like if I had masturbated in my 20s more,

if I had really realized who I was as sexual being, what my fantasies were, a lot of the stuff that I teach all of you, I wanna make this point. But just because we're saying in our 50s, we're more confident, it's better in our 40s, I truly believe that you can have a lot of this in your 20s and your 30s and 40s. Just work on the shame, work on the pleasure of thieves,

the things that are keeping you from like, what is coming up for you, what is your shadow self? That's telling you that you're not good enough or you don't deserve it. Work on all that stuff in therapy. When I say that there's the most attractive thing in the bedroom is somebody with confidence, I don't mean that you know how to give a great blowjob

or go down in someone really well or you know all the moves. It literally means that you understand your own body, you understand pleasure, you understand that you have to get your needs met during a sexual situation or it's not going to be satisfying. I mean, think of it this way. You go to a restaurant and you sit down with your partner

on a date and your 20s. And let's say their food gets delivered, they get their appetizers, and they get their drink, and then you leave, and you got nothing. The waiter bought you nothing. Oh, that's really what sex is like in your 20s. At least I know.

And you deserve to eat, full plate, dessert, appetizers, everything in your 20s, and it's totally available for you. And the confidence is knowing that, experiencing your own body, being able to advocate and ask for that. That is what my sex was for me until my 30s was not having anything to eat. It's not having my pleasure. It's never too late and you can start now.

And if you're listening to this show right now, or if you know someone in your 20s, 30s passes along because I think it's really important. Yes, and you know, I just saw a big overview point to that of what you're saying, because that is so profound and so important. You guys, I wish I had known this in my 20s. I am not a conduit for other people's pleasure. I am not here to provide visual pleasure to strangers on the

street that I don't know. I am not here to give sexual pleasure to another person in bed just by contorting my body in certain ways and giving them what I think they want. I am not a lingerie model, although sometimes I like to wear it. I am not a lingerie model, although sometimes I like to wear it. I am entitled to pleasure myself. As you said, I want to say one other thing. You guys, nobody's looking at your acne. Literally nobody is looking at it. No. Guess what?

Here's what I learned in my 50s. Life is a wedding, and I am not the bride. Did you ever get dressed for a wedding and feel that wash of relief? The eyes are not gonna be on me. They're gonna be on the bride. I am free to like let my freak flag fly. And that is what I heard you saying about pleasure. You're entitled to it, ask for it, do it, you are not a conduit for other people's pleasure. And you guys, it, do it, you are not a conduit for other people's pleasure. And you guys, I, all eyes, you are gorgeous,

you are beautiful, but all eyes are not on you. People are not judging you. They're obsessed with themselves. They're at the wedding and they're looking at the bride. And you're not the bride and that is the greatest freedom in the world until you are the bride. And then I hope you will love because planning weddings is really hard and I feel for you

whatever your decision is. Exactly God, weddings are hard. Okay, that's why I'm not the reason I don't want to get married. So here's the thing, I think it's really important to learn to be alone and it's very important to spend time in your life without a partner. It is crucial, I see a lot of people now who are married for a long time, then they go to another relationship, another relationship. And I think it's so important to learn to like your own company, to be by yourself, to

practice it. And I don't know where this came from, but I'm glad that I had this inspiration when I was about 32. I realized I've been in a relationship since I was 16. I would date someone for a few months and I'd break up and date someone else. And I was like, who the hell is Emily Morse without a man in my life without a partner. I have no idea. I called it a mandatoryum and I took a mandatoryum and I said I'm not dating.

I'm not thinking about men. I'm not doing anything because I think you love this pressure because there is a societal pressure that if you are not with a partner you should always be looking towards finding a partner. If you're not with them that it's not okay to be single as a stopover to partner. Okay. And it's not a place to live. Right. And I realize I love living single love.

I loved it. You were the bachelor at a bachelor ats and goals. Just goals. If you guys had seen Emily out on the town, if you had seen her at parties, if you had seen her being her best bachelor at self, that was a beautiful thing. And I will say something else.

One of the things I love about my fifties, other than cultivating my solitude on the other hand of it, prioritizing my friendships and cultivating friendships has been a great thing because when I'm in solitude, I didn't prioritize my friends in my twenties and thirties and forties. They were just there. I was busy, my friends were there. I tend to my friendships now like that is a garden that is gonna feed me. And then when I am solitary, I know I have my friends, when I have my friends, I know I love my solitude, all that therapy to your point,

and helps get us there, right? That's true, we talk a lot about that. I love that about friendship. You are such a wonderful friend too. I have to say that. We talk a lot about the importance of friendship and I would say on that is that, you know, again, choosing not to have a family and other things like that.

I've always been someone who prioritized friendships and made them a priority because that was my thing. Yeah. But what I want to say about picking your friends is this. Try to avoid the people if you can. First off, if you meet somebody and they don't make you feel good, you go out with them a few times, you're like, something's off here and what's going on?

I don't know if I feel so great and safe with them trust that those are probably not your people Stay away from the drama stay away from the people who talk about other people behind their back I've always avoided friends like that because it's toxic and those people attract other people like that And so it's not that I don't want to say I might be like, what did you think about so and so, but if we do, I think that even, I don't think we've ever really talked about anyone and if we ever did, it was like, from place of love.

Like, well, maybe they should work on this. Yeah. But it's not my go-to, and I think that people who do spend a lot of time criticizing others aren't feeling great about themselves. And it's just a shallow life. So I eventually they turn on you. If they are talking about other people primarily,

I guarantee when you leave them, they are talking about you. Oh, I think that is just a, and I've had the same of the friendships for 40 years, I can say dear friends, I just know, like we don't, and that's something that I've cultivated, it's important. So you know if someone's not a good friend

and just because you know them since you were 15, doesn't mean they have to stay in your life. Yes, that is such a good point that you have to have a high standard for friendships. You really do. And for intimate partners, and you know, it's interesting, I do think building on that Emily,

I wish that in my 20s, I had started to say anyone who feels like a frenemy, anyone who makes a cutting remark or is like consistently sort of trying to bring me down a little bit that I feel that way. Anybody that I would categorize as a frenemy, let me just empty that space out and open it up for somebody who has really good relational skills

and can be a really good friend. I wish I had done that. We'll see this is good. We're helping people. And then the final thing I want to say is that it's never too late. Never too late. You didn't miss the window. Your time isn't past. Life is not over. You didn't miss the boat. I mean, I just want to say that I feel like I thought that a lot of my 20s too. I always thought I've always been very driven and very ambitious.

And so I always felt that I wasn't there enough. I didn't do enough. I wasn't. I look back I'm like, you are doing a lot and you were just fine And so everyone you are fine when you're at it's never too late just be wherever you are now Put everything into it put your attention into where you're at now and don't be worried so much I know this is easier said than done that you're like it's too late or I can't do this I think we have to look at our limiting beliefs and our limiting thoughts because that's really what's holding you back more than anything else And ask women in midlife, that's the only thing I can add to that, whether you're a man or a woman of 20s, 30s, whereas ask women in midlife, we have a lot of experience and we're not

insecure anymore. Eventually you're going to come to a place where you're not. Either you're going to have this personal revolution. Love it. Thank you so much, Dr. Wenzey Martin. You are brilliant and beautiful. And I just love your insights. And I love that you're being here sharing all this wisdom. And I love that you've been a friend to me where we've been able to talk about a lot of things. We have these conversations.

And so I thought, let's just bring them on the mic. Let's talk to the people. Let's just talk to the people of that. Thanks for having me on, Dr. Emily Morris. You know you're my hero and we get to go for a walk now. Yes. I love it. Big swing here. That's it for today's episode.

See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure.

If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationship to call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. A go to sexwithemily.com-ask-emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com. Feedback at sexwithmleek.com