Sex With Emily - Sex Life Second Chances with Nadia Bokody

Episode Date: March 8, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Australian sex influencer, Nadia Bokody, to chat about taking control of your sexuality and be proud. They discuss how to own your sexuality and what it truly means to be a f*ckgirl. Plus, what to do if your partner is invited to their ex’s wedding and ways to get your partner’s head into the oral game. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Womanizer, Adam and Eve, Promescent, Apex, SiriusXM. Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For more on Nadia Bokody visit here For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm joined by Australian sex influencer Nadia Bokati to talk about what it really means to take control of your sexuality. Topics include, well, we've heard of fuck boys, but what does it mean to be a fuck girl? How to take your sexuality into your own hands and actually own it, whatever that looks like for you? What to do when your boyfriend is invited to his ex's wedding and you're not feeling so great about it, and ways to get your partner's head into the oral game.

All this and more, thanks for listening! Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey girls, gotta understand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but all we? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. I'm not a bad guy. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything between for more information. Check out sexwithemily.com, our robust and very informative website. And you can easily subscribe to the podcast. We love when you do that. Follow us on social media at sex, lonely, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. Also you guys big announcement. We officially have a brand new podcast cover. It was dated. We've had a few of them,

and I'm so excited to check that out. And in honor of that, we've got a contest for you. You can win amazing products from Wevibe, womanizer, amppure, Loob, all you got to do. Ready? Easy! Send a screenshot of you subscribing to the podcast and your review on iTunes to feedback at sexwithamily.com. Contest ends soon. That's March 20th. So get on it. Do it. I mean, only if you want some toys and more pleasure in life. Also, if you already subscribed, that's amazing. You can just take a picture of your review. We love it. Okay, hope you guys enjoyed this interview with sex influencer,

Nadia Bokati. I'm very excited to welcome my guest, Nadia Bokati. Hello. She's a former Australia. She's an Australian sex positive media personality columnist. A self-confessed former fuck girl. I want to know what the hell that is. You can find her at Nadia Bokhari, bio-KOD, where we'll also put this in our show notes.

She runs a website called she-sad.com. Welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. I'm fan-girling so hard right now. You are. You're so fun. I'm so glad you're here. Yeah, I love you and everything that you do.

And I'm very much trying to, you know, do something similar over in Australia in terms of getting the whole sex positive vibes happening because we are a little behind the eight ball over in Australia. It's true. What happens? Like, why is it just guys are behind the eight ball there in some ways? I feel like in the last few years, like to the podcast, we had this huge influx of Australian listeners. Yeah, because I think Australians are actually desperate for content, around sex and education

around it because we are actually so incredibly lacking in it. I think it's a similar vibe in the UK. I've done some morning show type segments over in the UK and it's very clear that there's still a lot of really conservative people over there. I did a segment on this morning, which is a show over in the UK. And I was talking about the fact that I think masturbation should be included in sex ed.

And I got so much hate on Twitter. People were calling me a pedophile saying that I should be run over with a car, that they wanted to keep their children away from me. And I think people totally missed the point of what I was saying, but it also, it does show the fact that there is a huge need, just for more, I guess, exposure to these topics, because people are so uneducated, they're sort of missing a whole point that, you know, kids learning about their own bodies is going to keep them safer. It's not stealing away.

They're in a sense if anything, it's potentially protecting it for longer. So yeah, I'm just really trying to push that in Australia and I think that is why there are a lot of Australians that are actually really hungry for the sort of content that you're doing. Well, I'm glad you're doing it there. I mean, we saw that here too.

We need to teach masturbation in schools. I feel the same way. So, I mean, but we tell them it. We need to teach masturbation in schools. I feel the same way. So, I mean, but I'm, we, it sounds like you really do need it in Australia. So I'm so glad that you are there fighting that fight. But you have to tell me, where's a fuck girl, please. Well, so do you, you guys say, do you use the, you say fuck boy? Yes. Right, okay.

So, yeah. I want to be a fuck girl. I want to know maybe, maybe, I don't know. Maybe I have been. I think I am one. Jamie. I reckon she is. Yeah.

No, a fuck girl is just, I guess it's with the whole, you know, sex positive vibe that I'm trying to promote. I did quite a popular column over in Australia and it was about my adventures as a fuck girl. And basically I was married and I went through a divorce and I went through my ho-face and I really just kind of discovered myself sexually and I discovered this whole scene of fuck boys in the fuck boy culture and I thought, well why can't a woman be a fuck girl?

And why can't I do what the guys are doing? And when I talked about it, like to girlfriends and stuff, people were so shocked. And so I sort of just ran with it and And I was like, I'm going to be a fuck girl. Okay. So meaning, meaning, let me get this straight. So you would go out with people and you would say, did you say like, I'm a fuck like, were you like, I'm just going to sleep with you tonight. And this is going nowhere.

No, because I think the thing is with the fuck boy culture is that it's really about guys not being clear through their communication about what they want and kind of stringing multiple girls along. And I think there's a level of arrogance to that with guys thinking that girls aren't doing it back. And a lot of guys that I had been with during my hoe phase or my fucker phase ended up reading my column, I didn't tell them I was a sex columnist

but they'd obviously found it online and was so shocked. They were like, oh, I thought, you know, I was the only one you were seeing and I was like, well, you were only sending me one text every three weeks. Like, do you really think with that level of attention I wasn't going out and fucking other guys during that time? Like, I have needs too. Like, yeah. So I think it's about just showing, you know, like, I would, I had lots of men on my speed dial and I would, you know, call up multiple guys and see who was available first for sex. And I just, you know, it was just like, I guess, using men for a little bit of fun, not that I endorse,

using people, but it was kind of like, I guess, the focus of the column was showing the way that women are becoming more empowered to do the same sort of stuff that guys are doing. And I think what, certainly what I saw in the Sydney dating scene in Australia is that a lot of men seem to think that they have a woman sort of on a string and that she's just sitting around waiting for them at home for that text that's coming once every two weeks for the booty call text. And so I was like, and I did what most women did, I would put all my eggs into the basket of one

man and I would wait for his text and I would try to be patient and all of that. And I realized, I can be out getting some other dig in this topic and sorry. Exactly, right in between texts, I'm going dick shopping. Yeah, exactly. I get it, because it's like, it is true that they're always like, when you're dating, I think it's important

to date around. I think that we shouldn't just settle for one part, we see what the wants and then make all these assumptions. If you don't have the talk with someone, I would say you should assume that they're dating other people. If you don't talk about exclusivity, assume there are other dicks, there are other vulvas in their life.

So I think that that is great, that you would out did that, but here's my question. So in all of your, like I read your calm about a week of seven one night stands, which I gotta be honest with you, sounds exhausting, but I kinda like the idea, I might do it like over a month, but what I think is good, great about dating around a lot of people, is that on the flip side, what we do is we date one person,

and we like, it's women, because we get attached sometimes with the orgasm and we wait and then we're like Well, I mean great text to the person so we might as well commit and then take a year to figure out all the reasons why we don't work or Something or maybe we do but most so we don't But if you're dating a lot of people back-to-back and even sleeping with them And I think it's good to be honest that you are sleeping with other people But then you get to kind of compare and see what you like or at least learn how to communicate because that's the huge part that we're missing

is that we often don't have to communicate what we need and what I liked about your column was that you said, well, on day five or something, you're like, well, then I liked the way the girl touched me, the guy touched me here and he touched me here. And then I kind of got all that with the partner on like the fifth night. Yeah.

Which is such a great way of learning because it was all, it wasn't just like, one year was one person the next year. Yeah, and I talked more about that. I think that's why like the ho phase or a slop phase or whatever you wanna call it is actually really important. And it sounds very superficial on the face of it, but it actually is a way that you kind of tap into your own

sexuality and sexual sort of identity, I guess, as a woman and for me, you me, I did what a lot of women do. I had fallen in love in my early 20s when straight out we were married after six months. I was only 25. We were in a marriage for seven years. To this day, I could not say anything bad about my ex-husband. He was a great guy, but just, I think we were both pretty miserable in the relationship because I wasn't, I wasn't emotionally ready for it. I didn't know what I wanted and I was trying to be something that I wasn't. And we made each other miserable.

And I realized that, you know, I didn't know what I wanted sexually. I'd been with essentially one guy for seven years and just trying to fit that mold of being a wife and what I thought that should be, that I sort of surprised myself. It wasn't long after I split with my husband that I essentially went out and just fucked a random guy in a hotel room. We were actually having a girls night and we had a hotel room booked.

And I was sitting next to one of my girlfriends at work and I had tears in my eyes and she said to you, okay, I said, look, this is gonna sound really weird but I am literally so sexually frustrated because, you know, the marriage had obviously been sexless for many months before we'd split. I said that I literally feel like emotional, like I'm going to burst into tears

just from how badly I need sex. And she was like, and it kind of started up the whole, I guess, fuck girl phase. She was like, why don't you just call up a guy and ask if he's DTF? And I was like, what's DTF? She's like, down to four. And I was like, wait, I can do that. She's like guys do it to us all the time She's like, you made a guy on Tinder the other night. Just call him. I'm like, but he doesn't know me

He's gonna think that's weird. We've only met once. She's like, yeah, you can do it And so she was like just go to the hotel early us girls will hang downstairs in the bar and we'll meet you for the girls night a couple of hours late So I was like, okay. And it was just the greatest experience of my life. It wasn't that the sex was amazing, you know, looking back on the sex, if anything, it was probably fairly mediocre, but it was more just the release of everything

that came out and almost feels so sorry for the poor guy because I burst into tears violently at the end of the sex and he was like, did I hurt you? Are you okay? He's just probably thinking this woman, who I don't know has just invited me to a hotel room, basically had like really ravenous sex, and then burst into tears.

Well, I think, well, yeah, I mean, it's time to be emotional. I could be cry after orgasm, we laugh after orgasm. It is emotional too though, because you were like, I'm finally gonna get what I want. And I'm gonna try it. So, but what I like about is taking the term with like, fuck though because you were like, I'm finally going to get what I want. And try it. But what I like about is taking the term like fuck girl, but more like, how about we're just experimental?

Like to me, that's so healthy. And I love, I think that's a great example for women to know that it's okay to go out and get your pleasure. But I also like the part of it of being honest that you're seeing other people because most likely they are too. And then to use condoms and all that stuff use protection But to then practice the read I'm not just saying to like get your numbers up because you could have sex with a hundred people and still have bad sex Or not satisfied sex for me

If you're gonna to go through the practice of sleeping with a lot of people, which I think I think it's important to buy a lot You say whatever that means to you, but like figure out because that's how we figure out what we like It's like trying a bunch of different foods, figure out what kind of foods we love. Like you can't know if you've only been with one person or two, but whatever, you can't know what you can't possibly know. You can do a lot of masturbation, which is great prep for that. But you can't know how what you like with a partner

unless you've experimented. And I think there's a lot of security, a strange kind of security, which I talked about in the column, sleeping with strangers because I sort of felt that emancipation of knowing I'm never going to see this person again and with my husband I would think oh, what if you think you know, strangely of me because I asked for this particular thing in bed I was worried about how it would affect how he thought about me whereas when I was having a one-night stand I didn't care. I'm like I'm never going to see this guy again like I'm just gonna go for it and who cares?

Exactly. There is a certain thing like that that when you're traveling abroad Or you know you're never gonna seem again that we can't have this freedom because we don't care And it's like then how do you bring that same care freeness into real life? Because I see that too. I used to travel a lot and I was like I was saying this the other night Like whenever I was abroad, I'm like, just sleep, it doesn't matter. Like, I'm going to Laos, you're going to be an obscene. But I get it. There is a certain freedom to that.

Absolutely. Should we take this call, Jane? That's a good call. Yes. So we have Susan, who's 52 from California on the line. And she wants to know how to guide her daughters away from fuck boys. That's a good question. Hey Susan.

Hi. Hi. Thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. I think it's a great question. How do you...what's going on? Yeah, well... I got five daughters.

Oh my god. My younger two. My one daughter, the older of the Tunnel, is great. And so she's working through owning her sexuality. I've got the inviators. When I work in the 15, I support masturbation. I support going in front of your sexuality. She's running her school, which she's finding is she keeps running into these boys that they're both boys.

And she doesn't know how to get what she needs out of them. Right. How old is she? Identity of power. Okay. She's 20. I mean, she was a thing. Hormones.

Guys at that age, I deal with this with a lot of my friends' kids who are like 19, 20 freshmen sophomore college. Like you just, not everyone's looking for a relationship. They might kind of be fuck boys. They haven't had enough experience on the planet to not be. They are ruled by their testosterone. So if she's liter, as they trust me. Right, so, but the boys are too.

You know what I mean? So like the boys are, so what I'm saying is like, you know, maybe her picker's broken and she's attracted to the guys who are like really smooth and send us the text who are like, hey babe, and like we get, we get sucked into the great textors and usually the guys got that smooth language down. And I just know because I have a lot of friends in college that that's what happens. So maybe you tell her to wait a little bit, find out more about them before jumping into

sex. But I have to say that the majority, I don't see all, but many guys that age are sort of gonna be more like that. I don't even know if it's an age thing. I think it's just the modern FOMO culture. If you know Tinder, you can kinda keep swiping and so guys are like, I need to move on to the next girl.

I think it's more that guys, they will show you who they are. Don't let them tell you who they are. I'm this, I'm that. They will show you. If your daughter's can watch out for the science, how often is he texting you? Is he texting you once a week? He's showing you. He's a fuck boy. So move on. The quicker you can see the signs and cut those guys out, the better. It's when you let those guys string you along that it's going to lead to heartbreak. Yeah. Well, and here, but here's the thing that that was what I, Yeah, well, and here but here's the thing that that was what I

Thought myself when I was younger, but this is a relationship it's culture. It's an IGM I you know I get mine first Well, right. Well, this is the whole education thing. So then you're yeah, well Yeah, no, I want to be able to go out and fuck Go on the fact all your sexuality fuck but i'm not sexuality i'm a great if you know you're with a

third boy then just know that say see a later like you're talking about the other country she's got to get out of it yeah like

i think it and then let go right well that's a thing she can't get serious and i think you're right no matter how much we tell women how we say you're not there for their pleasure

like i think for women we're pleasers and i want to like me so i'm going to get them a blowjob. You tell him, like, I'm not going down on you until you go down on me. Like, she's got to learn like, I'm going to get mine. And when she's not turned on and she's not around, that's when she leaves. And so hopefully she's watching her alcohol and taking drugs, because that's when you make less good choices. But that's all it is. Like, and a lot of these guys have to be trained. They probably don't know how to be selfish lovers.

They haven't been trained in a way to not be. So I think it's so right that she has to look for the signs and to have to learn what she deserves. And it sounds like you've done a really good job of telling her. But now she has to experience it and know that it's okay to leave. Leave a room that doesn't feel comfortable. And to say to guys, and I think that men want to know, a guy at 20 doesn't know what the hell he's doing and the way I was raised was I assumed they knew

because I didn't know. I was like, well, they must know. I don't know anything, so I did. But they don't, so they'll appreciate it. They'll appreciate her saying, you know what, I'm not quite turned on yet. Maybe you could move your finger like this. Maybe you could make out with me a little more.

Kiss my neck. She could practice asking for what she wants and then see how they respond. And if she's got to get clear on what is the thing she wants and what's going to feel great and when then what it doesn't leave. I think that's a great idea for taking her sexual power back as well that she's actually asking for what she wants and identifying it because like you say, especially with one night stands and from my own experience, it is like something that you're giving to the man and you know it should be just as much about her pleasure as it is about his.

Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, both should be pleased. But yeah, and there's a great book called She Comes First by Ian Karner. God, what was he saying? There's ten year anniversary. I thought it was her. You did? You bought it for her?

I'm so glad. But look, I got it. I love old. I thought it was for you. You did? You bought it for her? I'm so glad. But look, I got it. I love it. I love it. I love it. It's such a good book and it's so true. Like she comes, like, guys, just tough. If you have guys' sons right now, buy them this book.

She comes first. You're going to come. You're going to, you're hard. It's going to happen. But when you learn that, like, oh, like they just have never been told this season. So it sounds like you're on the right track, you know? So just keep talking to her. Yeah, I hope so.

I hope so. Yeah, I mean, she's gonna have to learn some lessons. It's amazing. What'd you say? Excuse me? Oh, I said thank you and I love your show. It isn't making it. I can't get enough of it.

And I wish that I can like listen to it when it's not on the time. So sometimes I just go like, I just don't listen to you. Oh, Susan, you time. Because sometimes it is going like hard to listen to you. Oh Susan, you can. You can go podcast. Well, first of all, thank you. Yes. So here's the great thing. Series XM has an on demand. So if you have in your car, I don't know that a lot of people know this, but you can download their app for free. And my episodes, like eight episodes are available, but also like the last eight, and you can listen to it on your phone. But I also have about 500 podcasts.

I've been doing a podcast for 14 years and it's an iTunes, Google Play, SoundCloud, Spotify and you could literally listen to them for the next year and you wouldn't run out of podcasts. So check those out. You can subscribe. Great. I will do that. Thank you. Awesome.

Okay. Seasoned stay in touch. Let me know. It goes five daughters. I'm sure there's going to be some more questions. Thank you for calling. Great to hear from you. You can call us, AAA9478277. Okay. Nadia, so what else? Okay, so now, how did you, how's your sex life now? Where, what stage are you in now? I would say, I'm in a really good place right now. I'm in a relationship. I've been in a relationship for the last couple of years. And yeah, I think I'm in a relationship, I've been in a relationship for the last couple of years and yeah, I think I'm in a much, I guess, healthier, happier relationship because I'm in a place where I sort of own my sexual identity more and I know what I want and I'm not afraid of asking for what I want and I have that clear communication with my partner and yeah, that's why I think

it's so important for all women to sort of go through that phase and actually I do I am a big believer that it does begin at a young age with masturbation and so I love that the woman that just called in said that she actually got her daughters vibrators like that is so cool. I actually I think because I write so openly about sex I have a lot of people even though I'm not a therapist or or anything like that But a lot of people will open up to me and they'll send me emails and things telling me you know details about their sex lives and asking questions And it made me really sad. I had a 17 year old girl contact me online and she said I want to know if there's something wrong with me If I'm a pervert and she said basically While she was out her dad had gone through her room as you know parents sometimes do

He'd found her vibrator and instead of just squirreling it back and pretending like he'd never been there He Exposed basically exposed it let her know he'd found it like confronted her and shame to for it and said you know You're too young to be doing this and confiscated it And she wanted to know if she was a pervert I said not only are you not a pervert, but you're poor dad, who probably genuinely believes in from his own educational background that he's protecting his daughter

and doing the right thing. You have been safely discovering your body in the comfort of your own home, in your own time with no pressure. And now your option to do that is going to be through partner sex, which has a whole lot more emotional implications, physical implications, and your dad has literally thrown you out there to that. And, you know, he probably believed that he was protecting her.

And that's why we need, we need to talk about this stuff and have more education around it because it took me, you know, I'm in my mid 30s now and it took me this long and going through a marriage to just now being a happy, healthy, sexual relationship. And a lot of it is because I didn't understand so much about sex because you don't get given that through sex. No, that is so glad you're there. I mean, I feel like sex education is just, we need it so badly, and it sounds like in Australia as well, educating the parents and the kids.

And that makes me sad. I'm so glad she reached out to you because that could have just for life, she could have been like, oh my God, I'm so, this is what happens. There's one infraction that happens. Someone walks in on you master, baiting your parents, find your toys, you're told that you're a bad lover,

and then it sticks with you. You just need one negative message around sex. And so I love that she was able to reach out to you and do that and tell you, and you're right. Like, oh, man, dad makes you so mad. Yeah, and I feel for the dad because he obviously believed he was protecting his daughter. And you know, that was the outrage that I had

when I did the masturbation, when I was talking about including masturbation in sex ed on that TV segment was people saying, you know, you're trying to age children too quickly, you're trying to steal their innocence, let the beat children. And I think these people genuinely believe that they're protecting children, but the reality is, I mean, you guys all

know from the statistics that kids are having sex. So we have two choices. One is to bury our head in the sand and just pretend like it's not happening. It's still going to happen. And there's going to be, you know, besides unwanted pregnancy and STDs, this is why the MeToo movement has come about is because women are only just now reflected on sexual experiences from 10 plus years ago and going, wait a minute, that actually was a bit rapey or a bit wrong or that was actually a sold and I didn't know that because I just thought sex was something where I just laid there and let a guy do things to me. So if we don't talk about these things and we don't let girls understand what pleasure feels like for their own body, how are they?

There was a really interesting study came out. Peggy Orinstein, she does a TED talk about it. And 30% of young women that are having sex when they're having sex, they're in pain. But they are still having sex in pain. They don't want to say anything about it because either A, they just think that's normal and that's what sex should feel like. Or B, they feel that it's impolite or wrong or it's not about them, it's about their partner.

Exactly. Because we're pleasers and and we think that how would we know any otherwise? And you're like 80% of women do experience pain at some point of their lives, and they totally normalize it, and it doesn't have to be that way. At all, women don't have to experience. I love her book, Girls. I think Peggy Ornstein wrote a great book called Girls

that if you are a parent, or you have a girl, you're an aunt, anything with girls in your life, you should read a book. It's a great read. She's brilliant. She is brilliant. I mean, it's so true that we just, we're not treating our, we're an aunt, anything with girls in your life, you should read a book. It's a great read. She's brilliant. She is brilliant. I mean, it's so true that we just, we're not treating our, we're not teaching enough to our girls.

And we don't realize we're actually creating situations for them that are putting them in harm's way, you know, and I know we're not intending to do that. But this is, this is why the Me Too movement is happening. If we don't talk openly about this stuff, girls are going to continue to be, and not just young girls, but women are going to continue to be, and not just young girls, but women are going to continue to put themselves in situations. I had another young woman contact me. She was only 21 and she was convinced that she was broken. She'd been in a relationship for two years with her boyfriend and she was convinced she was broken and she was looking up all these pills

obsessively online because she could an orgasm. And I just asked her a couple of simple questions. Again, I said, like, I'm not a sex doctor or anything, but just a couple of quick questions. Like, are you having four play and all this? They're not having four play. He's just going straight to penis and vagina sex. And they've been having sex for two years. So, you know, it probably takes a little bit more

to get aroused. And I just said to her simply, do you know that it takes most women up to 20 minutes to achieve orgasm during partner sex? Not during masturb achieve orgasm during partner sex? Not during masturbation, but during partner sex. And she burst into tears. She was like, thank you. I've just realized I'm not broken.

And actually, if anything, my boyfriend should be trying. Exactly. Right. Good. No one had told her that simple fact. So glad that you are the voice down under right now. We're helping all these people. They need to know this.

No pun intended. Exactly. Go under, down under right now are helping all these people. They need to know this. No pun intended. Exactly. Go under, down under. All the things. I've got our five quicky questions for you. You ready? Yes. Nadia Bokhati.

Biggest turn on. Oh, biggest turn on. I like someone who's really passionate, who has like, we'll just light up when they're talking about a topic. I think that's super sexy. Biggest turn off. Oh.

Biggest turn off would probably have to be a smokeer. I just can't kiss a smokeer. It's just not for me. What's your biggest dating deal breaker? Ooh, I guess someone that doesn't genuinely invest time into showing, you know, me that they want to actually emotionally invest into me. Something random that turns you on. Something random that turns you on.

Something random that turns me on. We have in Australia, we call treaties, I don't know what you call them over here, but it's like, you know, the men on construction sites. I call construction workers. And like as soon as I see their fluorescent uniform, I'm just like, damn, straight away. We have that here.

What's the sexiest body part to you? Oh, the sexiest body part on a man for me is definitely the arms. Like a guy just like reaching up to get something with a nice set of arms. We'll just that's make on. Okay, I love it. Okay, thank you so much for being here. It was so fun. Thank you so much for having me. Oh my god, it's a pleasure and keep fighting the good fight. I love it. She said calm and at Nadiabokati on Instagram and Twitter. Thank you.

Thank you for being here. Alright guys, we're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your emails. Alright guys, love answering your questions. It's why I'm here on the planet. If you want a question answer the show go to my website, sexelmy.com, click the ask, Emily Tap, felt the short form. And do it that way, or just email us feedback at sexelmy.com, no matter how you do it,

include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to this show. Thanks guys, okay Jamie, want to read up the emails? Of course! This first one comes to us from Megan, who's 28 in California. She writes, Hi, Emily. My boyfriend and I have been dating for a couple months, but have known each other for years. His ex-girlfriend that he's friends with is getting married this year, and he's going to be invited. I find it extremely weird to go to the wedding, and I feel like he shouldn't. It may make or

break our relationship. A wedding is intimate, and I can't understand why he'd want to go, or why she would want him there unless they still have feelings for each other. They've been broken up for seven plus years but shouldn't they just move on and live their life separately already, confused and saddened? Okay, Megan, this is a really good question because I totally understand what that feels like, that it seems to you, or maybe in your experience, you haven't been friends with the next.

But it's actually true that men and women, men, anyone can break up. And if it wasn't, and they both healed, and they realized their friendship was more than the love, but they realized they want, someone that you're really close with, sometimes when you can't be romantic with them, they become friends.

And they can become best friends. I have many close guy friends that I would consider like family to me that I have dated. So understand that notion. And I think that maybe this hasn't come across your life before that you've seen this. That said, I understand why that doesn't feel good to you. But I also think if she's inviting him to her wedding and they work over seven

years, I don't think she's doing it because she's trying to get back together with him. So I don't think that your concern is, you know, you said, should they just move on and live their life separately? This is why I think I needed to explain to you the relationship that can happen. If they have a real connection, they shouldn't move on. She is moving on. She's getting married and she's saying, I honor our friendship and the part that you played in my life seven years ago, I still care about you coming to my wedding. So that's how I see it. However, I do think you should be invited to the wedding as a guest.

So if he's allowed to bring a guest and they're really truly friends, been a while since they broke up, I think you should go. And if he can't be a guest, if he can't bring a guest, I see why this might be a little bit more disturbing, but not because I think he's getting back together with her. It's because I think that that your attachment to him and the insecurities you're having right now, that's going to make you feel better if you actually get invited. And if it's really going to make or break your relationship, I hope you're honest with him, but if he doesn't get it,

maybe he's not the one for you in this place, but I gotta tell you, I understand the friendship thing, and if he can't bring you, because my other thing was, I thought long and hard about this, people have wedding sometimes, and they don't want people though, they've never met.

They want their truest, their rider dies, people they love. And so if you guys have been together for three months, a couple months, and he's been friends with her for 10 years, whatever, I'm going to be honest, he might choose her. So you've got to take a deep look inside and see if you really like, you know, you'll have been together for a few months. I don't think you have the claims on them to make an ultimatum right now. All right. That's what I got for you. But definitely be honest with them and let them know what's going down in how you're feeling.

All right. This next one here is from Jacob, who's 19 in Texas. Hi Emily, I've been listening to your show for a while and I really enjoy learning about everything you discuss. Here's my situation. My girlfriend and I have been together for about nine months now. We started having sexual desires early in the relationship but this is her first relationship and she wants to wait for the full-on penetration sex until she's ready. I respect this and we go on with oral and hand stuff.

Usually I am the one going down on her whether it's her breast, neck, down there, or wherever she wants me to. When I want her to go down on me, I have to ask her and when I do she seems uncomfortable with it. I do clean very often, especially when I know we're going to have a loan time and even put sent to lotion and lube to make it easier for her. Even when she works up the nerve for it, she has the death grip you've mentioned, constantly asks if I'm going to finish soon and doesn't always get the job done. I've tried talking to her, but when I do, she gets discouraged and upset, and it makes me feel guilty so I don't bring it up anymore. Is there another way I can approach this to her? And if I do, is there any tips or resources for her to go down on me and ways I can improve going down on her? Thank you for everything I love the show. Oh, thank you for emailing Jacob. I really like this scenario you've

laid out for me because it brings up a lot of things. First of all, welcome to Beginner Sex. You are both your young, your 19. You guys are both learning how to have sex, how to talk about what you want. And so what I see here, you might are both learning how to have sex, how to talk about what you want. And so what I see here, you might be the first penis she's ever had in her mouth. She might not have given blow to her. I might be very overwhelming for her. She and I can tell you from a lot of women, we start out, we want to do it right. We were so, we're so sensitive.

If we get any feedback around sex, especially when we're young, that it just, that's why she freaks out when you give her feedback. I'm sure she would love to get to know what to do to make you feel good. I think it's sweet that you're like, I shower and clean, I think you're fine, I don't think it has anything to do with hygiene. That is an issue in some relationships, but what I think it is is fear and really wanting to do it, but not knowing where to start. So that's kind of where we're at here.

I think that she is discouraged because you bring it up in a way that not on purpose that she feels threatened. Okay, so you don't know what you don't know. She hasn't done a lot, she won't know what she's doing. So I think recognizing that you are both learning about your bodies and sex and that you want both learning about your bodies and sex and that you wanna figure out together

what makes you both feel good. And you could even like acknowledge maybe that you both would like to learn more together. So I think a cool thing would be mutual masturbation. I'm gonna hope she masturbates. She might feel very uncomfortable by this. I feel like she might not be like, yay, but why it's cool is because you can show her, like sometimes mutual masturbation, you're both touching each other. Like you're touching

yourselves and you're looking and it's hot because you're learning from looking, like you're seeing what your partner does and it's a turn on, or you could show her how you want to be touched, and then she can show you. But I feel like masturbation doing it together, seeing how she turns herself out would be great. We also have plenty of tips in our site. We have a blog called Enthusiastic Blowjob Tips for Better Head.

We've got a lot of oral sex tips for you to improve if I'm going down on her. I mean, really it's about slowing down and having an honest kind of you been listening. You know that communication is a lubrication. You know this Jacob and you know by saying, you know what? I see you get frustrated when I bring it up,

but it's only because I'm trying to explain, but I haven't done this much before either. So let's go on a sexual adventure together. Let's every time we're together, let's try to figure out what we could do to make us both have better sex and feel more pleased and have more orgasms. And just to take it down a notch,

make it more playful and that you're in it together until she doesn't feel threatened. And you guys have great sex. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Good. So many good questions.

I'm glad he's getting this in at 19, too. Well, that's a thing. It's like, oh, okay, I get it. Like, these things reading this, it's like, there's a lot to pack in because it's like, we just, we forget that we didn't know once. We don't know yet. And... Yeah, and then now, he's gonna be able to go into his 20s

with a plethora of knowledge. Exactly. That's what I want for all of you. This next email is from Marshall 35 in California. Hi Emily, I'm about five months into relationship with a woman after getting divorced about a year ago. Things are going well overall, albeit slow since my girlfriend is finishing up a doctor, and it limits how much we can see each other

during the week one to two times max. Although we enjoy each other's company, the sex is good, it does appear as if there's a bit of an evenness and the love slash affection we feel for each other right now. I'm further along in my feelings for her and she still needs more time to get to know me to dive in. My question to you is, is the idea of people falling in love at the exact same time less common than movies in TV would have us believe?

Should I check myself and slow down to my partner's pace to avoid getting hurt? She's rushed into relationships with Forrest, a part of me hopes that she's purposely going slower, but it's hard not to feel insecure that after five months she's still deciding if she and I are in match. Thanks for your advice. Alright, Marshall, okay. Here's what I think about it. I loved my question to you as he says, uh, is the idea of people falling in love at

the exact same time? Let's comment the movies in TV, whatever I was believe, absolutely. I mean, it's way less common. In fact, all the stuff we see in the movies, they make it makes love and sex seem so easy. You meet, there's some white reason you can't get together and then you finally get together and then you fall into bed and you have amazing sex and it's state you know and it's just there's no foreplay, there's no loop, there's no conms, there's no problems. That is not real. Real movies are not real life. So here's

the thing. I want to check in with you about a few things here. This is the facts, right? You've been together five months, she's working on a doctorate. I can tell you from someone who worked on a doctorate, it's a lot of time. So one to twice a week plus she's working on a doctorate. I can tell you from someone who worked on a doctorate. It's a lot of time So wanted to twice a week plus she's working on a doctorate as a full-time job. Sex is good. It's been five months so I think that No one falls in love at first sight and I don't even believe that you're in love after five months You're still in the lust phase because I'm certain that there's still more that you actually need to learn about each other to make sure that you're both actually compatible. So I actually like her for you, Marshall. I like that she's slowing you down. I like that she's not honest that she's sure. And I'd argue that you can't totally be sure yet,

either. I think that if you really work with her and like, you know, right now, it sounds like there's a great connection. I would not force her. I'd give her the space of once or two times a week. But when you're together, start to pay attention to, like ask questions and listen, do you guys share the same values? Do you like living your life in the same way? Do you picture your future the same? Do you want kids, religion? What does she do on the weekends?

You mentioned something here about affection. She's not really affectionate. And I also thought about your love languages. If you're one of your love languages is touch and you brought up, she's not as affectionate, she might never be affectionate and you might never really know how in to she is by touch. So find out, do you like touching, do you like, what is your thing?

Or you don't find out her love languages. Like try to move this a little deeper while you're waiting for her Which I don't I think you both have to together decide if you're gonna be together So I think this is a great thing and slow it down a little bit keep talking and really take a step back And be like am I lusty and my desperate to get into a thing or can you slow down and go at a pace That's good for both of you and then make a good decision is it's love? I like that question. Mm- good decision, is it's love?

I like that question. It is, it's really good. I think people are constantly falling in love at different times and it's not as clear-cut as movies over here. And in the movies, we get them falling in love and they're so happy, but we never see them like six months later after they moved in together

and had to, you know, share a closet. Mm. Whatever happens or a bathroom. Right, okay. All right, this next one comes to us from Alicia, 24 in Illinois. Hi, Emily, so happy you discovered your podcast as helped me become more confident in talking about self-domy partner. I'm 24 and engaged my partner of six years. A couple years into our relationship, we decided to switch from using condoms as our method of protection to just birth control.

Every time he finishes inside me, always have to hold the seam in my hands and walk to the bathroom then wipe it all away. Is this normal? Again, in movies and TV shows, most couples roll over and just go to sleep without having to clean up. This has been something I've always been curious about and would love any information to see if this is something other couples that don't use condoms experience. Thanks. Okay, Alicia, yes, in movies and TV, they don't say, pay by one to fall into post-coital Bliss, but let me go pee first in the bathroom and get it rid of it.

That doesn't happen either. So I think that this is totally normal. This is what happens. If someone comes inside of you, it's really important, you guys. I mean, you don't have to rush up the second after someone ejaculates inside of you, but I would say less than 30 minutes. Get up, make sure you go to the bathroom. You want to clear out any bacteria that might have gotten inside of you, but I would say less than 30 minutes, get up, make sure you go to the bathroom. You want to clear out any bacteria

that might have gotten inside of you. That's how we prevent getting UTIs or bladder infection. Have wipes near the bed to help you hold it in. You don't probably don't have to, I don't know, sometimes it drips, but I never really have to cut my hand. I mean, you gotta cut your hand. Or what takes some wipes through to the bathroom.

I love having baby wipes out of the bed. And I also have a towel while you'd wipe it off But that's what happens. They just don't show you all the sexy bathrooms dry with semen coming out of your vagina in the movies Yeah, they wouldn't they gotta cut that part out But I love that you're going to the bathroom and wiping it up right after cleaning up after Okay, this this last one comes to us from Ryan. He's 42 in Toronto Hi Emily my wife and I've been married with kids for 13 years. Five years ago, she cheated on me with her boss, I found out and confronted them. She said she stopped and we tried to move past it. We both didn't want our kids to have

separated parents so we stayed together. We both have moved on from the past, but now she refuses to have sex with me. She claims that she has lost her sex drive. I feel that it's more. Am I wrong? We haven't had sex for going on three years. We don't sleep in the same bed since my daughter tends to sleep there. This has pushed our relationship and intimacy to the end of non-existent.

How do I get my wife to want intimacy and drive her libido back up? When I do ask, all she ever says is, I'll let you know when. All right, okay, Here's the thing Ryan. In reading this, there's a lot more going on here than just you guys aren't having sex. First of all, when someone cheats in a relationship, when there's infidelity, you know it takes while to build that trust, I'm getting the sense that you, you know, she stopped. We tried to move

past and you stayed for the kids. And I'm not sure that you guys did that work around really rebuilding trust. Why the affair happened, you know, they, this takes therapy, this takes another outside person helping you guys get back to, you know, wherever you were or get to a better place. Because you said you both moved on. And now she's refusing to have sex with you. She claims she lost her sex drive. It's more, yes, there's definitely, definitely more. You're not having, she can't just bail on sex.

She can't save you. I'll let you know when my sex drive comes back. I mean, I understand that you are together with her for the kids, but if kids can feel when there's tension in the home, they see that you're not sleeping in the same bedrooms. They see that mommy's never affectionate with daddy. So, if you want this relationship to work, it's not about getting her libido back up. It's about the two of you getting into some therapy right now, marriage counseling and figuring out how to enhance your intimacy by communication first. Untangling, this is what happened with the affair

and the infantility and the sex stuff, but I don't think your wife's just gonna send you a text one night and be like, guess what, my libido's back. There's more work to do here, Ryan. So do the work now. It sounds like you didn't do it when the affair happened, but now you guys have got to figure out,

are you compatible? Does she wanna work on it? It's not fair for a partner to opt out of the sex and just say I'm never gonna do it. It's both of you working on it, working on the relationships. So I think you can do that Marshall, figure out if this is a healthy relationship

for both of you and your family. Thanks for the email, Ryan. Thanks, Jamie. Of course. Awesome show. Thanks everyone for listening. I hope you enjoyed it. Thank you to my amazing team, Ken Samantha, Julia,

Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael you enjoyed it. Thank you to my amazing team, Ken Samantha, Julia, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithamlee.com.