Sex With Emily - Sex, Love & Astrology

Episode Date: August 16, 2024

On today’s show, I’m joined by psychological astrologer and returning guest Dr. Jennifer Freed. We answer your questions on how to spot a sensual lover, useful tools for addressing low libido, how to pursue a threesome or open relationship, how to easily create intimacy in a relationship, what your Zodiac signs say (or don’t say) about compatibility with your partner, what to do if your hookup buddy wants a relationship (but you don’t), and the mind-blowing effects of EMDR therapy. We also share our top methods to build erotic tension and why focusing too much on your partner’s desire can hold you back in the bedroom. As an added bonus, we walk through ways to reach your ‘power yes’ in sex, the effects of toxic masculinity, and how to communicate as an invitation—not a confrontation. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to identify and attract a sensual lover through astrology and self-awareness. Tools and techniques to address low libido and build erotic tension in your relationship. Practical advice on navigating open relationships, threesomes, and understanding compatibility through Zodiac signs. Show Notes: More Dr. Jennifer Freed: Website | Instagram Yes! No! Maybe? Guide EMDRIA.org: Resources for EMDR therapy SHOP WITH EMILY! (free shipping on orders over $99) The only sex book you’ll ever need: Smart Sex: How to Boost Your Sex IQ and Own Your Pleasure Want more? Sex With Emily: Home Let’s get social: Instagram | X | Facebook | TikTok  Let’s text: Sign Up Here Want me to slide into your inbox? Sign Up Here for sex tips on the regular. See the full show notes at sexwithemily.com.

Where our words go, our energy goes. So when we're saying certain narratives, we make them true. If I say over and over, I have to have sex with my partner on Fridays at 6, then after about four of those, it's a burden. If I say, God, I get to every Friday at sex, look forward to this hot sex with my partner, then after four of those, I think I'm a really lucky partner.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily, and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. On today's show, we're welcoming back psychological astrologer, Dr. Jennifer Fried. Love when Jen's on the show. We answer a lot of great questions on the show, like, how do you know if someone's going to be good in bed? We give you also some unique tools for addressing low libido.

We talk about pursuing a threesome or an open relationship. And we also give some great tips for how to easily create intimacy in a relationship. We talk about what your zodiac signs say or don't say about compatibility with your partner. What to do if a hookup buddy wants a relationship but you don't. And the mind-blowing effects of EMDR therapy. We also talk about building erotic tension, right? You know, it's at that sweet spot, that part of the relationship when you just can't wait to rip each other's clothes off. How do we build that? We also walk through ways to reach your power, yes, in sex.

You know, the yes when you're like, yes, I want to do this with my partner, or it's a no. How do you know if it's a hell yes or a hell no? There's some amazing wisdom nuggets in this episode. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. Just do it right now. It takes you two seconds and it really helps get the show out to more people

and more sex positive people like you. You wanna have better sex. You can also find me on all social media at Sex with Emily. If you're there, I'm there. My new articles, How to Master Fork Position and 5 Anal Adventures from Beginner to Advanced are up on SexWithEmily.com. Also don't forget to sign up for my emails. You can find the link in the show notes.

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Hi, Emily. I love you. I love you so much. Jennifer Fried, PhD is the renowned psychological astrologer and social and emotional education trainer. She's spent over 30 years consulting clients and businesses worldwide on psychological, spiritual, and educational topics. And you can find more about her at jenniferfried.com.

I just love what Jen brings because yes, she's got all the astrological insights, but she pairs that with psychology. And she's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology.

She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. She's got a lot of knowledge about the world of psychology. educational topics. And you can find more about her at JenniferFried.com. I just love what Jen brings because yes she's got all the astrological insights but she pairs that with psychology and being trained in EMDR therapy and I love

having her. Thank you Jen. Well this is one of my favorite ways to spend an hour is with one of my all-time idols of not just sexuality but just a kindness. You're just truly kind human. Thank you Jen. Right back at you. Where do we start with this Jen? Let's talk about this getting to our yes sexually. How do we get there? I mean I often talk about you know it's important to fantasize and to masturbate and to know your body and be able to communicate and I've said that if you've been listening to the show you've heard me say it, men's

biggest challenges are that they feel shame around what they desire. They might only want desire for something that they've seen in porn, but it's not actually they don't have the breadth and depth of what's actually available because they've only been looking at sex from a very narrow point of view. Well, also the men I talked to have extraordinary performance anxiety. I mean, who are they being measured against and why? And frequency becomes this badge of courage and a medal of like distinction when frequency doesn't necessarily mean satisfaction.

And it certainly doesn't always mean connection. Because a lot of people I know service men in long term relationships just to get it over with. But it's not actually a connection. It's just more like an obligation. And then that leaves men feeling super lonely and alienated and why don't they want me? I think women and men suffer the same amount from not being truly seen and understood and having sex be an expectation

instead of an invitation. Sex is an expectation instead of an invitation. Yeah, it's exactly right. We measure sex by the frequency, which is not a way to measure it. I'd rather have sex way less frequently if I'm connected with my partner and it's fulfilling and satisfying.

We just dropped a lot here, Jen, so where do we start with this? Well, I was thinking about it today and I made some notes, which is not really like me to do, but you know I care about you a lot. So I thought, okay, I'm going to break this down. And I realized that a lot of getting to our power, yes, in sex is starting to extinguish the behaviors that are very based in victim. So here are the behaviors that we all do and now identify them and realize none of these have to do with power, yes.

So the big one is, I can't instead of I won't. So instead of saying to you, I won't go down on you tonight, I just can't. That's not a power move. Be willing to say what you're willing or not willing to do because that says a lot about your own agency and your desire. Another one is, oh, I have to get home by six so that I can get on my negligee to have the sexy sex tonight instead of I get to.

Have to needs to come to I get to. If you're not saying I get to, then you're playing a victim. Next, whining instead of asserting. Oh, please, honey, why won't you do this tonight for me? Nobody likes whiners. It puts you in a baby position, and then that's not very sexy. But asserting is so powerful.

Instead of whining, think about what you're requesting. I'd really like you to show up for me tonight and spend more time in the foreplay than you did two nights ago. That's a very different thing than why don't you ever? Then another one is, gosh, she always makes me take a shower before we have sex. Turn makes me into I choose. I choose to be clean and fresh and good smelling.

So my partner's really excited by me. That's all victim. That's all turning it before we even get started with the sex, we've got a negative spin on it that we don't even realize it's the nuance of our language. The other day I tried to do I get to instead of I have to or like when I say I have to work or I have to do this. I'm like I get to I'm like to have my dream job. I get to record a podcast. I get to meet with my team, you know, so it's language.

And it's so important for everyone to realize that where our words go, our energy goes. And the brain is a mapping system. So when we're saying certain narratives, we make them true. So if I say over and over, I have to have sex with my partner on Fridays at six, then after about four of those, it's a burden. If I say, God, I get to every Friday at sex, look forward to this hot sex with my partner, then after four of those, I think I'm a really lucky partner. So the narrative tells us what we're going to experience. It basically sets the frame.

Everything about sex is the fit and the frame. Are we both having the experience we want to have? And how are we telling the story of it? Oh yeah, Jen, that's so true. So going back to, when we're talking about vulva owners, if we go back to what you said at the top is that we don't really know what our yes is because it's based on what we think our partners want no matter who we're with. How do we start with what would be some good places to start? You think with this language?

I think with changing the language first, like I get to, I choose to, I will or I won't. And also just taking the time to say to your partner, no matter if it's female, male, they, but I would say you just slow it down and say tonight, let's spend even a half an hour on just totally mindfully going through all the parts of my body and having me tell you what it feels like to be touched there, slower, faster, what are my rhythms. And of course we change all the time, but just even for a woman, a vulva owner, to stop and start to say, this is how it feels without thinking what it's like for the other is profound.

That's such a good exercise to do. So who's going to do that tonight? Who's going to slow it down tonight and have that conversation? You know, we start with the conversation. You're right. We have to redefine. I mean, I'm giving you guys suggestions here. We're talking to you about suggestions, but everyone gets to decide what feels good. I don't know what feels good when it's, I don't know what feels good on anyone's body. You only, you know, and you're not going to change. And it changes. I mean, you know, God, our history is not our present. And one of the things somebody said the other day, her name's Courtney to me,

she said the only irrefutable truths. Now really think about this. The only irrefutable truths are our feelings and our sensations. No one can tell us our feelings or our sensations are wrong. Once you get into opinions, everyone's got an asshole in an opinion, but feelings and sensations, they only belong to us in the exact way they belong to us. And so start there.

Start there with, yeah, that would be such a great thing to do tonight, whether you're alone or with a partner, say, what am I feeling right now? What does it feel like when I touch myself here or my partner touches me slowly? And then name it, name the feelings, name the sensations. It's the only way you're gonna learn, being mindful, slowing down. And it will help the men in their own performance anxieties and all of this ridiculous toxic masculinity about like they have to always be hard,

they have to always stay long, they have like all this stuff. It's just so oppressive. What if it was like for them? Like, no, actually, we're just going to focus on your pleasure without coming, without you having to do something. Just lay there. Let's just see what it's like for you to receive. Wow. I think that even taking turns like this, these 30 minutes about you're receiving and then now it was my turn or tonight it's for me, tomorrow it's for you. I just talked to a guy the other day who was saying, it's so scary to be a man right now because you grew up with the messages.

You're only as sexy as you are like a hunter and you're virile and you go after it. But now if you go after it in the wrong way or you approach in the wrong way, you're a jerk. So there's such a mixed message of this kind of historic long view of men as having to have incredible erections, stay hard all the time, want it all the time. They've got to tell their friends they're getting it all the time. I mean, this is really deep in male psyches. And the cost of that is they don't get to say, well, actually, I would like to just watch you masturbate and I don't need to do anything. And you know, there's so much prohibition of men just being receiving and men just being

soft. Like, what about that? We're everything the gender doesn't describe the psyche Exactly exactly and it's in our psyche and you're right in the men have these expectations that they have to always be leading and initiating And it is about the number of times if sex a week has nothing to do with that You could have sex that isn't very satisfying every day of the week. That's not gonna do anything for you. Yeah, I have a story for you. Yes. A little gossipy story based on experience.

So there's some guys I know, and they're all good friends, and one of the guys is single. And these guys have met for over a year listening to this one guy's conquest stories. Oh, I got with her, and I got with her, and I got with her. And they've all been titillated and super excited about it until it dawns on them a year later.

This guy is just a serial sex guy that isn't having any happiness and suffers from depression. Cause no matter how many times he got his dick wet, it didn't make him happy. Right. And it's like this whole mythology that if you just have sex all the time, it will take care of everything, especially him happy. Right. And it's like this whole mythology that if you just have sex all the time, it will take care of everything, especially for men.

Right. Absolutely. It's just not true. It's so not true. It's true. That's what we like, oh, we talk about sex, how men talk about sex more than women. Like, no, they talk about if they got laid, they didn't get laid, who they banged,

who they didn't bang, but that is not quality sex or even something that's valuable when it comes to sex. No, they don't talk about that their dicks are bent a certain way or that they're flabby in the middle or that they can't stay on top as long or that they didn't shave a certain part of their body and it's hard to go down with all that hair. You know, where are the real conversations? That's the real... Well, we're having them here, Jen. I'm having them with you. What about if you don't, and this is something I think about a lot,

like what if you don't have the specific words to communicate your emotions or what you want? Like, I feel like we're always able to communicate, but how do you actually get the words around speaking your emotions and your feelings? Well, you have an exceptional access to words as a Gemini. So you're right. Most people don't have the superpower of the words, especially once they're feeling strong sensation in their body or feeling deep feeling. Many people just get quiet. They don't have vocabulary at that point.

It's called pre-verbal. So to me, when you're in that spot of preverbal and you don't have the words, then it's just taking a hand and slowing that person down, maybe putting their hand on your heart, maybe just looking in their eyes and breathing. Not everything is verbal, but you can communicate a lot by the way you just touch somebody and maybe even pressure a little bit, like slow

down more like, you know, move it quicker. I mean, or even after sex, you maybe don't want to talk. It's a very deep spiritual or reverent experience. And you can just hold each other and maybe nibble on each other's ears or just put your head on the chest. There's many ways to communicate. I think the important thing is let's not assume that sex as a mechanical thing is a communication. There's so much more going on. Right. Yeah. That's helpful. You're right. So much of what we have to express or want to express is non-verbal. That is true. I think everything we're saying here now is tonight,

whatever sex you're gonna have, or when you're listening to this, try to do something different. Try to say, you know what, tonight, I don't wanna do the same things. Let's try to connect in a different way. Let's try to slow it down. Let's try to do the best we can to express

what actually feels good, rather than doing, falling into the same routine. I think that's the only way we're gonna keep it interesting. Yes, and then here's another thing my friend Debbie told me which I think is super, super great thing to do to spice up the sex life is say to your partner or the person you're dating, what are the things that we normally talk about

and what do we never talk about? Just put that question out there. Because everybody's got forbidden conversations and where it's forbidden, there's juice, right? Right. Yeah. Like, why aren't we saying there's a reason why you're not saying these things? Yeah. And it comes down to three things. It comes down to, is it a control issue? Is it a security issue? Or is it an approval issue that I'm not talking to you about this?

I'm with a woman. Let's say I don't want to talk to my partner about all these sex fantasies I have about men. Well, and I do, so I'm just using this as a signal. But if I didn't, it would be a threat to my security and I want to have control over that. It can be all three. Like, oh, what if she felt rejected? What if she felt like threatened and she pulled away?

What if she starts wanting to be with men and I don't really want to do that? Like, you know, it's all these fear future fantasies that prevent us from having the real conversations, but they're based on these three things, security, control or approval. Like some people don't want to talk about things because you might not like me as much. You might think less of me.

Right. Yes. That's the approval stuff. That's the approval. And then control. If I'm someone who really values control and will try to dominate other people, because that gives me worth, that if I share something about maybe a vulnerability that I have or something that I need from somebody,

I'll lose some control over that person. Completely. So just think about, you know, if I'm somebody that's kind of always seemed very confident in the way I touch and all my moves, and I tell you a lot about my sex history and I'm so awesome, and then underneath that, I'm starting to have a real fear of not being as attractive

and I'm like getting scared that my body's not functioning the same way. Wow, if I tell you that, I've lost some of that control in my mind. Like you have something on me, right? We're gonna take a quick break to hear a word from our sponsors. When we come back,

Jen and I will explore what to share and what not to share in your romantic relationships. We also answer your Instagram questions and you can find me at Instagram at sex with Emily. Jen, you know what's just made me think of in all the years you've been doing this and I've been doing this, don't you think it comes down to most of the challenges in our relationships are from the things that we're not saying rather than something that we did say or something that we did reveal, right? I mean, it's, it's the gaps.

I think you're right. We all fall into the gaps. It's in friendship too. You know, you and I could think about when we meet, what do we say? What do we don't tell each other? Right. There's gaps all over the place and the gaps are all based on fear. The gaps about all intimacy are based on fear. And they come down to those three things, but it's always like,

it could end up in loss somehow. And yet I know, you know, I just had lunch with a dear friend and we're super honest with each other almost to a point of like, yeah, it's scary. But no, really, you know, it's like, wow, it's so revealing. But on the other hand, she's got my back. I know her, she knows me. I don't feel any question about whether she truly loves me because there's not much she doesn't know, right? There's not much we fought over things. We've had our ruptures. We've repaired. Like that's when you know the bond is strong when you are not going to be broken by a conversation or something that's revealed. Right, exactly. So we actually put this out on Instagram

and our stories we said, I said I'm talking to Jen, Dr. Jennifer Fried actually put this out on Instagram. In our stories, we said, I said, I'm talking to Jen, Dr. Jennifer Fried, and do you have questions? And we got a bunch of questions. And then one says, and this is what you're speaking to here, Alexa says, how to allow intimacy and vulnerability. So yes, there's less risk for me to be honest with you or honest with a friend about my vulnerabilities, but how do you still keep the fire, the passion

going if I'm revealing everything to my partner when that seems like the ultimate, like my partner is going to leave me if I reveal this thing? How do you do, how do you make room for both? I think that's a fabulous question to whoever asked that. Here's the bottom line, and I had to learn it. Your partner is not your mama or your therapist. So it's not like revealing is confessing. You're not using them as your confession for all your neurotic baby thoughts and feelings. That is not appropriate. And it would lead to somebody being really turned off. The conversations for me that you must have are the ones you're avoiding that have to do with you and them. Like my whole little story about my childhood

and what happened or didn't happen to me, or you know, like that's for a therapist or a friend that's got the time. Don't lean so heavy on your partner if you want them to be your lover, to be your mother or your father. That's not so sexy. Exactly.

Unless you're role playing mommy and daddy. Right. Then we're cool with that. I actually got asked this in New York by some young women who just graduated from college and they were going on their first dates. One of them said, oh, I went on a date a few weeks ago. It was like their first date. She said, I told the person too much. I told him everything about me. I think I was too, I told about my childhood and my family. So there's that like escalation of just feeling like, well, I want this person to know my everything.

So where do we, that's a little bit different because that's someone you're just meeting, but I think there is this way of knowing, like I'm gonna reveal everything because then we're gonna be close. But there's stuff that you, the stuff that we're saying the gaps and things we're not revealing

are the stuff that's relevant to both of you. Yes, and I'll go back to your person on that date. Yep. Revelation is not a dump. You know, like when people dump on me all their stuff, number one, they're not in touch with me. They're just asking me to be like their priest or their mother or something.

Real intimacy is about earned trust. It's not even appropriate to tell people all the things about you on the first date. You don't even know them. So it's trust through accretion of shared experiences. Oh. Trust is an accretion of shared experiences. So you and I are friends over a year or so now.

I just started telling you some of my secrets. I didn't tell you right off. I don't even know you. It's not appropriate. So how you really know intimacy is that each of you are kind of giving a little bit more, a little bit more, and you're building this vessel where the secrets and the vulnerabilities can be held.

Don't try to throw them all in and then run and hope somebody likes you. Right. You don't just throw everything up there and see if it sticks. You have to be like, carefully revealing. Yes. And really know who you're talking to. And the only way you know that is bit by bit. They'll tell you something.

It's a dance. You'll tell you something. It's a dance. You'll tell them something. And then over time you go, wow, Emily's a really trustworthy friend. Emily's really listening to me. Emily's telling me some of her things. And that's how you keep the tension, whether it's in friendship or with lovers, of erotic tension. You've got to have otherness. Otherness is what makes attraction. Right, exactly.

So revealing these things in the relationship that are the gaps or saying the things that you think you cannot say. I want everyone to take a moment and think about like, what are the things in your relationship between you and your partner that you're not saying? And there are some things that you shouldn't say, right? Things that are gonna be hurtful.

Exactly, you don't say to your partner, you've put on some weight and I find you disgusting. Don't say that. Don't say that. And you don't say to your partner, your dog is really smelly. I don't want to come to your house. Right. Don't say that. But you do want to approach both those subjects. So let's think of a different way, because these are both really important subjects, because aesthetics are everything for sexuality Let's face it. We all have aesthetics. We do we do so and they're not negotiable. You can't change your aesthetics I hear a lot from people in relationship that their partners are not as in shape as they used to be and that's unattractive Well, we all know you just don't spit that out there. But you can say and it's

important to say, you know, I am super turned on to you when you work out, you know, instead of saying you're losing your shape, I've super turned on to you when you work out. And I think we both can make that more of a priority to stay really fit. How can we support each other? So there's that one. The dog in the house, whatever, you say, hey, I love your dog as much as you do, and I really want to make sure that when we're going to have a great sex night that the dog's in the other room.

Yeah. Do you hear about this a lot, that the dog comes in in the middle of sex? Oh yeah, dog wants to be in the sex. Jojo does, but she just wants to be in the room but then she's gonna take a nap on the bed. She's not trying to be in the sex. No but dogs do licking and all kinds of stuff. You're lucky your dog doesn't do that. She's perfect. I got the perfect dog. That's a really great reframe so you're bringing in your feelings. You always lead with your how things make you feel. Yeah. Rather than

attacking your partner. The things that you're not saying, there's a reason you're not saying them and they're probably causing a bigger problem in your relationship than you realize. So I think this is a great reframe for people to think about tonight. Do this right now. Like don't wait on these things.

Cause as we know, then they start to build up over time. They become resentments. I can't believe my partner never showers or my partner's so out of shape, right? It's just, right when you realize this, this is the time to have these healthy conversations. And from a positive place, I want to say, you know, the conversation isn't a confrontation. It's an invitation. Just keep using that word because I think too often we think we're finally going to say something and it comes out like some kind of artillery.

When actually it's an invitation, I really would like us to work out more. I just love it when you're really in your best shape or something like that. Exactly. I can tell that you feel great when you're working out more too. Maybe we could do some of working out together. We could take a class together. Okay. Let's get to questions from your people. Let's get some more questions.

Okay, let's see. Okay. How can you reconcile with the male world when you have struggled with it since childhood? That's from a woman. So maybe she's had some struggles with men in her life, her father, her brother. That's a big question. Well, it's like the biggest philosophical question because let's face it, we've all been in a man's world

and the world is not in great shape, led by male leaders predominantly. So there's not a woman or a man or a they or anyone on the planet that isn't suffering from a narrative of masculinity that has hurt everyone. So she's welcome to the world. The only way I've gotten through it, because I've had my share of all of that, as we all have, is I keep it very specific to the men that I love and that I know, and I build on

those relationships. So, for example, you've met my brother, Emily. I love my brother. We're a year apart. He's a great man. I focus on the men that I know and building the intimacy with them and remembering that not, you know,

there is no such thing as the gender male. There's just a collection of people. So I keep it very specific to building positive, good relationships with the men that I choose. Right. That's really good. And to not think so for Amanda here who asked this question, it's like taking out a case by not bringing the whole history of men into every man. Yeah. What is that? Who is that person sitting in front of you that you want to have a relationship with

and build that? What do they bring to the table? Yeah, because I'm thinking right now of my friend Peter Buffett. It's like one of my favorite people on the planet. He just happens to have a male body suit. But in terms of like, I think of people so far beyond the shapes and, you know, suits of their bodies. Right. And I would invite her to stop seeing people just defined by those gender normative identities and see into the window of their soul, find out who they really are, be willing to be surprised. And that's my path anyway. It's

served me quite well. That's such good. That's, that's really, really good advice. Also, I want to say, I think it's great that a man even recognizes that she has that challenge around men. So that's such a good advice that the person in front of you is the person trying to have a relationship, but they don't represent all the men in your life or all the challenges you've had with men. Okay, here's another one, Jen.

If you like sex with a person, but they want a relationship and you don't, can timing just be off? Yes, timing is big in a relationship, right? That's just such a funny question. It's like you don't get to have your cookies and your cake if the other one doesn't want the cake. Right. You know, you just have to admit this isn't the right deal for both of us and you have to give up your little sweet tooth.

Exactly. Like what about these people think that they can get in a relationship and someone's going to change? I know that they want a relationship. I'm going to change. They're going to want what I want if I stick with them long enough. They're going to see my ways. Maybe he'll decide that he doesn't want a relationship anymore.

I don't want a relationship. You know what I'm saying? We just think that they're going to change, but we have to believe people's words when they tell us. Well, also people give mixed messages. I'm aware of a situation right now, really big one that's important to me. It's somebody close to me who's with somebody

that is not very clear what they want. So they give a lot of mixed messages. And then we get hooked by that because we like the one message, not the other message. We only hear the message we want to. And it's like I'm thinking of a friend of mine that was having an affair with a married man and he was just sure he was gonna get out of the marriage and I thought he was too because he seemed like a great guy

He's gonna get out of the marriage, but you've got to give yourself time limits on these things It's not like they're bad people because they're giving you mixed messages But you've got to say for your own, you know power. Yes again, you have to say, I'm super into you, I'm 100% go, you've got three months to like make your mind up about us having the same picture of this relationship. If not, no harm, no foul, I'm over it. And then you have to keep your word. You have to keep your word.

Time limits are huge. They've really helped me in relationships saying, how do I wanna feel in this relationship three months from now? I'm gonna give it three months. I even put dates on my calendar and I've said three months from now. And then you know, well, I've got three months to work on these challenges, these top challenges. And this is how I feel today. Three months from now, how do I want to feel? What's our relationship look like? Because otherwise without the time

limits, this could go on for years. And you need, you need, you need friends to kick your butt. That's it. I was in a very unhealthy situation in my life a few years ago, and I actually wished, looking back, that a couple of my friends would have said, are you out of your mind? What the hell are you doing?

Like sometimes we're too understanding of people in these ridiculous situations, and what somebody really needs to have the courage to say is hello you told me about this 20 times already. Yes. Get out! Yes those are your friends that are gonna do that. Then as we just go to the friends that we know are gonna say what we want to hear and check yourself if that's what you're doing. I have a new theory on that. What do you think about this, Emily? Tell me. I think most of us are addicted to what I call emo porn,

either through TV or conversation. So I notice it in myself, because I'll watch certain shows because they're super, super emotional and really intense, and then I get to go on the ride with it. But there's also certain friends that I really, like, dig in to find out all their emotional dramas because then I can kind of listen, get off on it, but I don't have to be involved.

It's called emo porn. I think we're all into it. Emo porn. So you call those friends and you're like, hey, what's going on with you? Yeah, yeah. That's so exactly what it is. You're like, I know I'll call this person. It's going to be a wild ride.

Yeah. You just know you're going to get a whole story and it's going to have maybe some sex things. And like, you know, it's like watching The Housewives of whatever. Yes. But my point is, the whole culture steeped in this. Emo porn.

And then what happens is, it's sometimes hard to interrupt it once we've established a pattern of listening for it. Oh my god, right? So we're like, tell me more. Isn't there any more drama going on in your life? So when everything's OK, it's just not that that relationship isn't as satisfying to you. And they also might think they have to keep shoving in some emo porn to keep your interest. Yes, I've had those relationships. Oh, my God. That's a good one, Jen.

Yeah, it's like, you know, I like my popcorn, I like my kind bars, but if I had them every day then I'm avoiding something. Oh, Jen, this is a good one. These are all from our Instagram, which is Sex with Emily, and Jennifer's Instagram is Dr. Jennifer Fried. So someone just asked me how to spot a sensual lover without actually having to sleep with lots of men. That's easy, I think. Go.

Well, I'm very, very sensual. That's my love language, so I don't have any confusion. The sensual lovers are the ones that are touching you, like your hand, your face, your hair, but a big tell is how they eat. Like a big tell is how they eat. Like a big tell how they eat and how they drink. And if they can dance, frankly, cause you know, women and men,

if they don't dance and they aren't really into food, they're not sensual, just know that right there. They're just not. So if they're like, this is delicious. I want you to taste this. Yeah, exactly. I love this. Can I have a bite of this? And they're touchy, yeah, that's it. If the guy, if, delicious, I want you to taste this. Yeah, exactly. I love this.

Can I have a bite of this? And they're touchy. Yeah, that's it. Yeah. I need to be touched. I need to be, and I'm not saying groped when I first meet someone, but you can just tell. You can tell. Are they sensual with their food?

All the other senses. Do they smell the environment? Are they like, oh, look at those flowers or listen to this music or they're just a sensual being. Sensuality is all about the deliciousness of life. It's like everything is savored and there's an appetite and a wonder. And some people, I have a lot of friends that don't even like sensuality. They just like man, bam, bam, let's get it done.

Let's like it's a workout. And they're thrilled with that. Right. They don't want to be touched. I have a friend that I said, listen, you know, if I ever get old and alone, you'll have to live with me but I need a lot of hugs. And they went, I'm so not into that.

And that's okay too, right? We just couldn't be with those people because both of our love languages is touch because they can be hard to reconcile. If you're with somebody who you need touch and they are not into touch, not a bad person but they're just gonna have to make effort. And I think that's the hardest love language to reconcile. If you're with somebody who you need touch and they are not into touch, not a bad person, but they're just going to have to make effort. And I think that's the hardest love language to reconcile. If you're not into it, you're not into it. I was thinking of this woman I knew from the past. She had like many planets in Taurus

and she would take two hours showers, touching herself, rubbing herself, singing to herself. I mean, we would all just laugh and she couldn't have been happier, just two hours. Oh my God. Well Jen, wait, speaking of that, don't I have all my houses in Taurus except for my Gemini house? You got a lot of stuff in Taurus.

I told you, you're the temple goddess of sensuality and a communicator about all things sexual. But yes, Emily, your superpower is sensuality and beauty and also just a love of the finer things in life. You really appreciate them. I do, I do, I do. Oh Jen, okay this is for you Jen because I said I was talking to you. Scorpio and Leo, doomed or destiny? I love that you say doomed or destiny because let me say once and for all, all of you people that love astrology,

you can never know somebody's compatibility by their sun signs. Yes. So you just need to know that would be like saying, brown hair shouldn't go with red hair. It's that superficial. Scorpio's son likes intensity and depth. A Leo son loves to be admired and adored and is playful.

Well, certainly those two can go together. If the Scorpio is intensely admiring of the Leo and the Leo likes to play in really intense ways, it's a good fit. So just don't ever pay attention to all that superficial nonsense where it's like, oh, So just don't ever pay attention to all that superficial nonsense where it's like, oh, Gemini shouldn't be with Virgo. It's never true. It's never true. And the way you've talked about astrology and I've become more

familiar with it, you have to understand your whole chart, right? You have to understand your whole chart. You have to realize not one person was created to have nothing to learn. Every single relationship that I've ever seen is all based on huge lessons. You never get with somebody as like a free pass. Everyone you're ever with, ever attracted to is a teacher. It's just what lesson are you learning? And if you're in a long term relationship, it's going to be, you know, PhD in learning.

Yes, it's true. I mean, we think if it's not easy, then it's time to leave, but that's when the lessons are starting. I mean, it should feel good at the beginning, but we do such great work in relationships if we choose to. I personally think the highest, most noble spiritual path is doing the work with another human being at the depth of a courageous attachment. You know, it's very courageous to be attached to somebody and keep removing all obstacles to love. It's the most courageous thing we could do.

Okay, this is from Michael 35 in California. Hey, Dr. Elfley, how can my wife and I ease our way into an open relationship and any tips on fulfilling a threesome fantasy? Very, very carefully. Oh my God. That's a big question there. It's a short question, but they're too very specific. And I think you start with the conversations. You don't just lead with let's have an open relationship. Let's have a threesome. The first thing your partner is gonna think is why aren't you attracted to me anymore? Which one of my friends do you want to sleep with? So I think this test to start more from a general conversation about your sex life and about your satisfaction with each other and having real in-depth conversations about your turn-ons. What

are some of the most memorable times you've had sex? You could start there. I'm gonna assume you guys haven't talked about this yet and maybe you even haven't even talked about your sex life before in a way that is useful for figuring out your independent arousals and desires. But I get nervous that with these questions like he just is getting angsty, you know, he's just getting a little bored of their sex life. So he's thinking let's open it up to save it. But what'd you feel about this Jen? Well I have two friends that have opened up their relationships in the last two years.

One of them had a pretty good run with it, and they were micro into what the expectations were, what the taboos were, what was good, what was bad. They had to interview the person before they did. It was like a whole, like it was like a career counseling thing. Seriously. And then the other person opened it up kind of unconsciously and it really went amok. Like, let's just try it. And it was kind of unconscious and nobody was clear what they wanted or didn't want. And it blew up. Right. So I think what you said is the most important,

where's this coming from? And the most important question to ask your wife, your partner, anything about this is what are your fantasies about including a third person? Just start there because they may say, oh, I thought about it or I'm not into it. That's the end of that conversation. Exactly. Exactly. So you got to find out first what are you starting with? Right. Where are you starting? What are your turn-ons? You can download our yes no maybe list on our website if you've never done that. It's such a fun date night with a partner. Just check that out. It has a bunch of different sex acts on it that may help you guys figure out. Maybe she's turned on by threesome as

well or maybe she wants more teasing or she's into some bondage we don't know you don't know until you have these conversations but you don't just start with a blanket let's open it up let's have a threesome if you haven't laid the groundwork for your independent turn-ons desires arousal what's worked in the past don't go from zero to threesome someone asked does EMDR therapy really work asking for victims we can explain what EMDR is I don't think I've just explained in a while, but I'm a huge fan. I've done EMDR. EMDR is a very well tested cognitive behavioral therapy to undo traumatic

response emotionally and physically. And now, again, this is my experience. Forty years trained as a therapist, 30 of those seeing clients, 30 of those being a client, let me just be very revealing and say, I have been a client. EMDR is the only, and this is my experience, technique done by a very gifted therapist that actually undoes the looping compulsive reactive responses in your brain and body. It's the only one I found. Yes. You can learn more about EMDR through this link in the show notes or EMDRIA.org. And also my trainer, her name is Laurel Parnell and she's written many

books and some of them are for the lay person. So Laurel Parnell and she's written many books and some of them are for the lay person. So Laurel Parnell and she has an EMDR Institute. She's phenomenal. And I think anyone that wants to do deep work and not spend 30 years in therapy, get to some therapists listed by Laurel Parnell Institute. What I also like about EMDR therapy, which I've done, is that it doesn't take as much time.

I mean, I think I needed to go through some of the talk therapy, but I think I could have really sped things up by seeing a therapist that works in your mind and your body and sort of rewiring the neural pathways in your brain. So certain memories or certain people or certain situations that give you a charge will no longer trigger you in that way

after you do this kind of work. Okay, this is from Brittany, 25 in Michigan. Hey, Dr. Emley, my partner and I have been together for almost five years. He's a very sexual creature. However, I struggle so much with myself that it's sometimes hard for me to get in the mood I don't know what to do. We went from having sex every day for almost two years straight to suddenly I've problems with low libido

I'm only 25 and feel like this is a normal problem with 25 year old should have any suggestions. Thank you Everyone has it people always think low libido when it happens to them that it shouldn't happen But I always say I hear it from women men all genders at all ages. So my first take on this, Jen, I wonder what you say is that she's only 25. She's with the same partner for five years. She probably doesn't know exactly what she, she's low libido. I often say it's not low libido, it's high boredom. Maybe there, you don't know what terms you want. Maybe there is no passion fire left in this romance because you're so, you're together. You're on top of each other. Has there been, you know, just having routine sex every day

doesn't necessarily mean that it's quality and connected sex. So my suggestions is for her to go on a journey of excellent communication with her partner and saying, let's start where we are now and figure out like more about maybe what her turns on or what turn ons are and start to rebuild. Like we said earlier in the show,

start slowly, start to rebuild again, slow things down, try new things. But I'm thinking it just has to do with her time to explore and she's been with one person. What do you think, Jen? I agree with you completely. I think the worst thing we do to all of us is act like that kind of frequency of sex that happens in the beginning is what you should always be having. Right.

Because that is oppressive. So one, we start shutting down because it's like, I don't want that. And secondly, you got to start remembering what was it that made you so horny in the beginning. And usually it had a lot to do with novelty and also a little insecurity. Are we going to be together? Aren't we going to be together? That creates a lot of tension. But once you, like you said, Emily, you're smashed together, face to face, you're like seeing each other and all your kind of ordinariness, it's not that thrilling. So you have to peel back, say we're not going to have sex for a month and reconnect as like courtship.

Courtship is where hot sex comes from, no matter what stage it's in. Exactly. And even take penetrative sex off the table, like rebuild it. Like you're saying, that is where it comes from, is the courtship, is the attraction, is the newness. And you can continue to work that into a relationship, even if you've been together for five years. Jennifer Fried, thank you so much for being here. I've missed you. You are a dear friend. You are so wise and we love having you on this, on this show. It's so helpful, Jen. So how can people find you? What's going on with you right now? Where should we turn all of our attention

in the world of Gen Z? I think Dr. Jennifer Freed Instagram. I'd love for you to follow and give comments. And then honestly, jenniferfreed.com. Thank you, Jen. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and be sure to like, subscribe and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, Twitter or X and Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. Oh, and I've been told I give really good email. So sign up on sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles

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