Sex With Emily - Sex, Love & Robots with David Duncan

Episode Date: July 12, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by best-selling author David Ewing Duncan to talk about this new book, Talking to Robots – and their breaking down the chapters about intimacy & sex! Plus, Emily answers your emails. The two discuss what the future may hold for sex & intimacy robots (imagine a hologram version of Emily in your bedroom?!). Then, Emily answers questions about what to do when you love going down on your partner, but they’re a little apprehensive, the age old sexual grooming question – to shave or not to shave, and your partner’s pushing for a threesome, but with a full house, it’s the last thing on your mind.  Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Veritas Farms, Muse, SiriusXM, Womanizer Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For more on "Talking to Robots," click HERE. For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's life like, but where it's gonna go is insane, but it's like, for women, we're like, why would I want to have sex with a plastic doll? Why would that not even interesting to me? It's like transactional and to go back to intimacy, like, we crave connection and talking. And we're all so lonely right now anyway. I think there is a loneliness epidemic. What they're advertising, Harmony, as it's not a sex bot. They're calling it a companionship bot.

And in their advertising, they talk about about be the first to never be lonely again Exactly never be lonely again Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show I'm joined by David Ewing Duncan to talk about his new book Talking to robots and you know that the chapters we cover are all about intimacy and sex. Plus, I'm answering your emails. Topics include, What the future may hold for sex robots, intimacy robots? I mean, what if you had your own hologram version of me? So you really love going down in your partner, but she's apprehensive.

What's the deal? Okay, to shave or not to shave, the age old question of sexual grooming. And you've got three kids and a th-some is the last thing on your mind, but your partner keeps bringing it up. How do you move forward? All this and more, thanks for listening. [♪ Music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in 5-6 Eyes that mock our sacred institutions Betrubize they call them in a fight on me Hey Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute

Hey girls, gotta have a stand Oh my The women know about shrinkage Is it a common moment? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me?

Oh my god, I'm off here so I'm gone Being bad feels pretty good. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information check out sexwithemely.com. We have amazing posts up there that are going to also change your sex relationship and dating life for sure

You can also find me on serious XM stars channel 109 It's weekdays Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific and you can get a free subscription at sexwithfamily.com slash SXM. Oh also you guys we have way more videos now So check out our YouTube channel and you can also check us out on Instagram It's all at sex with Emily across the board and time we have way more videos now. So check out our YouTube channel, and you can also check us out on Instagram. It's all at sex with Emily across the board, and how do you think of the videos? And obviously, you should subscribe,

because we love when you do that. Alright, guys, hope you enjoyed the show. I'm so excited to welcome my guest, David Ewing Duncan, EWNG. He's an award-winning science journalist, print, television, radio, bestselling author of nine books, published in 21 languages. You've been busy. You're impressive. Yeah, your free computer would be here to so many publications, Vanny Fair, MIT Technology Review, The New York Times, and others. You've won a lot of awards, and now you have a new book coming out in July. Talking to robots,

tales from our human robot futures. So congratulations on the book. I mean, I love the way you wrote it from our future present past. Explain that, your choice to do that. I love it. Well, it's kind of an experimental book. And by the way, I do want to thank you, because you were in it.

I was in it. Yes. And thank you for interviewing me for an early chapter. No, that was so much fun. It was fun. And we're trying to remember when that was. But a little over a year ago, you're like, let's talk about fun and we're trying to remember when that was but Little over a year ago. You're like let's talk about sex and robots and like I'm still learning and getting into it But it they're coming it's technology in general. I mean, it's even beyond robots, right?

So we can get into that But so wait, so tell me about well then yeah writing the book what what's what's been well? Well, I'm a nonfiction writer, you know, I'm a journalist and all my other books have been nonfiction So I actually have to deal with facts This is an experiment and that whole near future I think anyway At least I tried to create a new tense called the present near future. Yeah, it's partly Nonfiction so it's 24 robots, including a sex bot. But there's a dockbot, a warrior bot, a journalism bot, a thriller writer bot,

and it goes on and on. And so I report from the present kind of what's happening in reality with these things. And I talk to real people like you. You know, at least most of the chapters have a real person, you know, somebody who's an expert in that field. Or they just thought up some crazy robot. But it's all wrapped in fictional stories. And I say it's sort of the ol' Isaac Asimov I robot,

if you remember that, you know, meets something like Black Mirror. Right. So these are actual stories, kind of plot lines and all that. And that part I invented. And so the tense, this present and near future, we're sort of moving lines and all that. And that part I invented. And so the tense, this present near future, we're sort of moving back and forth in time. And that was a huge challenge. And you can tell me when you read it. I loved it. I mean, I love that you were like, so Emily, it was just so, it really did

take me because it really made me realize like, oh yeah, this is, this is definitely happening. Like we're definitely getting the robots because you could picture it like, you know, Emily Morse who was a, you know, what'd you say? Like a petite, you know, Bruneh, who had a sex podcast. It was popular in the early 21st century. She told me about, you know, she told me about intimacy and what I talked about. We talked about the intimacy and sex robot. And I was like, I just thought it was really well done. And it took me to think, yeah, first of all, I'm a blip on the radar screen. And whenever this is happening, I love it. And yeah, I thought it was very clever

and it was a way to get into it because I wouldn't typically be as interested in robots. Perhaps my brain doesn't go there as much but I'm like, whoa, in reading this, I mean definitely sex tech and I've tried VR porn and all those things but this is like, oh, I love, it just, I think you succeeded at developing your new tents. I appreciate that. in fact you and

others that I talked to Convince me the chapters actually called sex perines intimacy bot. Yeah, because well I stare parallel who I know Told me that you know boy sex bots are so boring. Why would I talk to I can't do her act flaming shacks Yeah, she's amazing. Yeah, but intimacy, that's interesting. So that's really what it became, when the ineffictional story, which you helped me develop. Yeah.

In the future, it's not so much about sex, it's about intimacy and companionship. Right, because in our conversation, you were saying, so what does it do with sex robot? So it's like, it is true though, when you think about it, and there are most sex robots now, which there are harmonies,

she's the most well-known sex robot right now. And, you know, there were like $10,000 if you want to get one. And they look pretty real. Like I was saying, I was on this TV show a few years ago, two years ago, and it's about robots. It was like a talk show.

And there was this harmony was there, the sex robot. And she was across the room, and there was some kind of like, from the bachelor on my show, we were both in the green room. And harmony walked by, and I saw him like, I didn't know there was a robot segment,

and he was like, oh, and I'm like, that's the robot. So it's life like, but where it's gonna go, it is insane, but it's like, for women, we're like, why would I wanna have sex with a plastic doll? Why would that not even interesting to me? It's like transactional, and to go back to intimacy, we crave connection,

and talking, and we're all so lonely right now anyway. I think there is a loneliness epidemic. Why would we want that? So I think what we had talked about and what you mentioned your book. I was like, well, how are you going to replicate intimacy? So in intimacy, oh, that's what's going to be missing. And then you came up with the like, and this is the part that I liked, the intimacy robot of just being like, what if there's a sex therapist? It's like a hologram that pops up in your room and reminded me of like, kind of what I do on the show every night. And I was like, okay, Bob, your wife has said to you six nights in a row now that she's ready to have sex and you have shut her down.

Wouldn't it be nut time now for you to gently kiss her ear? You know, and then it goes away. Like to me, that was a really like, I could see that happening. And that I would love. I'm kind of doing that every night. Yeah, well, exactly. And that's, I love the way that we develop that story because, you know, I mean, sex can be mechanical and boring, right? It's about, it really is about how

you're having sex who you're having sex with. I mean, you're the one that knows more about this than I do, but, you know, if you're, if you're going to have something that's useful to a wide range of people other than, you know, I don't know, the kind of creepy sex, frankly, still creepy sex bots or fem bots that are out there now, I mean, how are you going to make this technology useful? Right. And we did, we cooked up this idea, it's like almost like having a, you know, a phone like, like slab there. And wherever you are, wherever you want to have sex, you're outside, you're in your bedroom, wherever, you just set this thing down. And, you know, if you want to have sex, you're outside, you're in your bedroom, wherever. You just set this thing down, and if you have a question,

or maybe one little coaching, or something, this little hologram pops up. It's like, how can I help you with that? Yeah, exactly. Kind of like Alexa, right? Hey, it says in your book, because Emily Morris first articulate, what an intimacy about my look like,

an AI system that does some of the things as a therapist, and say, hey, you guys had a fight, you've had this fight for six months. Like, let's check it in a resolution right now. I mean, I think that is interesting. What did you find? I mean, you and Deep, you talked to other people about the sex bot chapter.

What did you find about the sex robots and that was interesting to you or scary? Well, I think the present day is a little scary because it's mostly these fem bots. There aren't that many hem bots, if you will. I don't know what you're man bots. And you know, as you said, as a woman, I have not, I don't know about the other women in the room here, but there doesn't seem to be a lot of interest in a male sex bot. No. No. And even I don't think most men are interested in a sex female sex spot either. So it's a fairly small market, but these are kind of cartoony-like bots too. I mean, they look like the old Playboy centerfolds, you know, giant breasts and you know,

they look like some of the chicks on the violin, which I've been talking for the first time. Yeah, yeah. And you know, it's just, there's a wonderful new book by Kate Devlin, who is a British author, and I was just over in the UK, and I got her book, it's called Turned On. I don't know if you've heard of this. Oh, you have heard of it.

Yeah. So she does this wonderful description of, you know, these current day sex spots, like Harmony, as basically being his robotic heads, and they supposedly have artificial intelligence, that's what they're advertised as. I mean, it's hard to tell what that is anyway. And I try to get in that in the book in general,

but and the rest of it is basically a plastic doll. Right. It's kind of like a big, or it's like a big fleshlight, like which is like the male masturbation sleeve, but now that's like encased in a big silicone body. And it's more, it's more sex is more percanical for men in that way. They're like, I'll stick my penis in anything.

So I might as well stick it into this sex robot. And maybe it'll be a lot less complicated than my girlfriend who keeps saying, she wants more for me and I'm not taking out the trash enough. But yeah, I don't think that we're there yet. But for women, when I've been asked about this, I just think, maybe some of the pros are, if you're certain things you've been wanting to try in the bedroom, and you

could test it with a sex robot, you could rent a robot, but I don't think it's going to be the solution. But did you find anything in your studies that like maybe, like this is maybe harmony's not impressive, but in the next whatever, how many years should be a little concerned? Are we ever going to? I think we're pretty far away from anything that we would really imagine. Well, I don't know. It depends on what you mean by annual account. You know, you think of like movies or TV like Westworld. I mean, their

prostitutes galore in there, right? But they're, yeah, they look a lot, they look really, in fact, in that show in the future, they had to make them look slightly not human because it was too weird for the customers You know in the Westworld Theme park to actually have sex with or do the other things they were doing and of course we know if you watch that show That's that's a pretty violent dark show especially. Yeah, women are treated or these women robots and they start Waking up and they start becoming conscious. So I don't know, that's one way it could go. Right, is that what you're thinking? Like, yeah, how are you feeling about it?

Did you go in with a certain belief and now you're like, how do you feel about robots now? What's happening in the future? Well, robots in general, in fact, I'm working on a story right now on I'm more afraid of stupid robots and smart robots. Yeah. Because, you know, we see all around us.

Yeah. I feel that I know. Yeah, Alexa or Siri or whatever, they only work about half the time. Right. And, you know, they don't get the most simple questions. They don't have what's called general artificial intelligence or general intelligence. Sometimes they can do one thing really, really well with like human kind of, like humans can be disappointing too.

Oh yeah, of course. But with the robots, I see what you're saying. We're afraid of the ones that could go. Yeah, we're giving these systems, if you will. They're mostly systems, not actual robots sitting there with a face in their mouth. But they have a lot of power. I mean, look what happened with that plane crash

with the Boeing 737. That was a stupid system that didn't know that it was actually about to crash the airplane and a human would know that instantly Exactly. So where should we be like was there anything did you work have any like I got more people or there's things you should do or what perspective What did you put back for a second about we were talking about you know having sex with basically a doll Yeah, let's do that. But but what, like Harmony AI, it's real bodix is the name of the company. And what they're advertising Harmony as, it's not a sex bot. They're calling it a companionship bot. And in their advertising, they talk about, be the first to never be lonely again. Exactly. Okay, I highlighted that here in your book, right to never be lonely again. Exactly.

Okay, I highlighted that here in your book, right? Never be lonely again. Yeah. That's what they're saying on the website right now that these be the first ever be lonely again. Yeah. How is that not going to make you lonely? Well, I don't know.

I mean, you have to figure out what their market is there, but still is mostly guys, but you know, it's guys who are lonely. And you know, they have trouble with women. I don't know, they have trouble dating women, meeting women. It's kind of like having a, you have a body there, like a robot body, but. Yeah.

So what they remember things, I mean, the AI, what they will tell you is, it's machine learning and these are all buzz terms that mean different things. And they don't really mean exactly what they sound like always. But machine learning, they do apparently learn about you. You tell them things like your favorite foods, and your favorite color, and you like sunsets

and set of sunrises, and they remember that. And they talk back, and they have their program with certain personalities, too, which you can actually turn up and down the intensity of, you know, like kink or what you're even. Yeah, exactly. You could be like tonight. I want you to be kink.

I want you to be dominant. And tomorrow night I want you to be submissive. Yeah. And if you can kind of, you know, kind of suspend any, just be like, this is what it felt like. And I can kind of get my kink mat right now. Then that might, you know, kind of, I guess that could,, I understand how that could work for some people sexually, but I don't think it's, yeah. But it gets even weirder because we start getting into the territory that you and I talk

some about, about the role of technology in general in people, how people are interacting with the world, especially, you know, with potential lovers or, with potential lovers in relationships, and how forget the robots, the phone, which we talk a little bit about that, some of these surveys and statistics are not going in a very good direction as people are spending so much time on their phones. Exactly. We're like, say, we are sleeping with our phones, we're waking up with our phones, we're staring at the Instagram before we go to bed.

We are, yeah, it's actually, and every day, yeah, as we talked on the book, there's studies coming out every single day that say, no one's having sex anymore, we're all addicted to our phones, and yeah, I do see to me this is a problem. Like, I feel like I do need to, and we talk about this too, no technology in the bedroom. Like, can you, can you, it's really hard though, because it feels like our lifeline. Like, a hundred times a day, I'm like, Siri, Siri, like, where'd in the bedroom. Like, can you, can you, it's really hard though, because it feels like our lifeline. Like, a hundred times a day, I'm like, Siri, Siri, like, where'd my phone go? Like, if it's not near me, because I lose it too,

we're at all times, you know, we're obsessed with it, but I don't think that that's healthy. It's almost like a part of use of missing. So to me, that is destructive and in relation. I mean, definitely in relationships, we choose our phones over our partners. And maybe in a way, we don't even have to feel that we're lonely

because the phone does feel like a companion. So I guess I could see that transferring into the... What's the people think? I mean, these things are, we're finding out more and more. I mean, how much did you love your phone when it first get the smartphone when it first came out? We all are like, whoa, man, I can like, summon a car, I can have a TPS.

And we're only now finding out some of the darker sides. Yeah, but I think it's like everything. Like if you use it in a smart way, like if you use it in the healthiest possible way, but we're not, we're abusing it. And it's as a result, it's just like numbing. I think it is numbing us out for sure. And also with dating online, that's the other thing.

People are saying, oh, you can find anything online now, which you can. And I'm down with people dating apps and all that, but a lot of you are just into the numbing of the swiping, right? They're just like, I don't actually really want to meet with someone, but I was going to swipe, swipe, swipe. So you think you're dating, but then actually going out

and meeting. And then as a result of that, we're going out less. We're actually not even making efforts to meet people anymore. And then we're losing all of those skills, right? So when we started dating, you had to go out and get rejected. Like, good old fashioned. I had to go up and say hi, and she would say, go away.

Right. And then you feel bad, and then you come back, right? But that's no one's learning that anymore, because we're not taking risks. And so we're not taking risks. So we're staying home with our phones or maybe potentially our robots. But I love, I mean, all this in here about the other people

you talk to in here too, is that, yeah, tech is making us more isolated, and then also, yeah, taking the tech out of the bedroom and with the robots, I wonder, would people have sex with, would you, like, would you find, was there any part of you that thought an appealing part of it? Like, where would you see the pros in this sex world

and technology, or would these, where would you see the pros in this sex world and technology or where it could be going in the future? Well, I mean, that's a chapter. And by the way, in the fictional parts, you know, we've been talking about here as mostly the present day real stuff. There's even more about, we probably talked about that, I don't know. No, I love it. I get tired of it.

Yeah. But the, in the fictional parts, and that's one of the funny things about fiction, you never quite know where it's gonna go. Like, I didn't set out, okay, I'm gonna write this a hugely dystopic horrible thing, although I did that with some of the other chapters. This one turned out, partly because talking to you and some of the other people I talked to,

who are basically optimistic about the future of this, we can work this out. I'm not sure you'd be doing what you're doing if you didn't think that. Yeah, no, I think we can work it out, but I don't think that we future of this, we can work this out. I'm not sure you'd be doing what you're doing if you didn't think that. Yeah, no, I think we can work it out, but I don't think that we're ever gonna, and that's what I love out of you out of the chapter. It's like, I don't think that we all

wanna be in perfect relationships because essentially by getting a sex robot and thinking, getting all of your needs met and having this perfect human that we would get bored. In fact, the messiness of love that we talk about and that we all kind of, that is part of love, is that it's messy and it's ups and downs and ebbs and flows and we would miss that, right?

I think and I think we would. Perfect partner, everything that's perfect, you need the highs and the lows. Well, in the story, you actually in the future, and a couple of other relationship therapists invent something called intimacy bot. And it's what we described earlier. It's this sort of slab like a phone and it's programmed with all of your wisdom and these

other people's wisdom. And it helps you out. And but there comes a time in the future when there's a rival to your intimacy bot. And it's called the perfect lover bot. So that's another company, a rival company. And a perfect lover bot tries to actually be that lover that's not going to push you too hard, it's not going to pull back too hard. It's going to try to get rid of the agonies and the ecstasy of relationships I love. Right.

Because we all love the ecstasy but the agony, oh my god, and we can barely get through that. So let's remove that. So that's what this robot in the future clay and intimacy bot's go yeah goes way down in sales the perfect part of yeah that would do well for a while yeah well it and it does in the future and in your scenario it does I think that was brilliant and then and then it but then you realize it people kind of all in a story anyway they all kind of wake up one day and I go, wait a

minute, I actually missed the agony and the ecstasy of love. I mean, that's how poetry is made. Yeah, that's how you grow, that's how you, exactly. I mean, we wouldn't have Shakespeare have the poems in the world without that. And it turns out in the future that people have a choice, but they choose to go, at least most people with the messy parts. And I go way off in the future because the rest of the book, and at the end of the book,

we're billions of years in the future. And even billions of years in the future, we still like the messy parts of the relationship. We do like the messy parts, because there's no such thing, but it's funny, because we want the robots and what I got is, we definitely want them for something.

It's like taking out the trash, doing the things that we do not want to do, right? Cleaning our homes, driving our cars, maybe flying airplanes, if we... Yeah, right, if I didn't go that well. What else do we want to do? Everything, pretty much. Things that we're just annoyed, but even then though,

but then there's been all these studies about when we outsource too many things to people, we actually start to feel, it sort of sort of starts to hamper us after, inhibit us after a while, and we start to, it has to have negative side effects that we actually should be in charge of our own, you know, things that we can kind of delegate way too much. Well, that's, you just hit on an interesting kind of point,

at least raised in the book, which is for the first time in history, we actually are going to have much of that taken care of. I mean, we didn't have the op, you know, you didn't have a nonhuman to like change a diaper for maybe, you know, or, you know, maybe to take out the tray. You know, all of these things that we actually really do find annoying or yard work, but it turns out that I think anyway, well, I don't have a yard anymore, but I used to. And I, I would, on the weekends, I would go, I'd grow, and I go, oh God, I gotta go out and like, you know, do the gardening, and then I would go, I grow, I got to go out and do the gardening. And then I would get out there and I would love it.

Right, exactly. Nature getting your hands in the earth is just, it's so healing. I don't think that we do that enough at all. It's as if you're right, we would never leave our homes. In fact, that's what this is my concern right now. We're already not leaving our homes. We already get everything sent in and ordered in and play our video games and do whatever that we're not out anymore. It's gardening and doing the things.

And well, and that's right. I think we're getting a little taste of it even now. I mean, so much now is done. And there's not, I mean, even my parents who live in rural Maine, they discovered that they can order online groceries. Yeah. That may be one of the last places in America where they probably had it before they just hadn't really really had to do it. Right. They were really excited and they just figured it out. Yeah. And for them, that's great because they're older and it's much better than to get out.

Right. But yeah, I don't know where this is all going. You know, you and I are both old enough to remember, not that old. But when you were walking down the street, you didn't have, you couldn't make a call or listen to podcasts or... I could take a phone. Yeah. You kind of walk down the street or, you know, driving, you might turn on the radio and listen to some music.

Right. You'd like three stations. Yeah. You had, right. You had time to think about things. Exactly. I don't think that we think that we're always distracted. And this is what I also noticed. We talked more about intimacy and dating, which I have a problem with is that, do you remember this too? You go into stores, or you'd be waiting for your car, or you're doing something, and you wouldn't be on it, you'd have to talk to the person next to you. You would have to make small talk, or you'd want to, because what else am I going to do? You're not carrying a newspaper book with you, maybe, but like mostly your just life would not have so many distractions.

But now we are gripping our phones all the time that the second we've downtime We're like what's going on like on the commercial break. I'll probably check my phone But before wherever we were at life you would have to actually interact and so this is the whole thing about like loneliness and Yeah, that's You know I you're hearing from a lot of people in relationships that He or she doesn't listen to me. Well, we're kind of a lot of people in relationships that, um, he or she doesn't listen to me.

Well, we're kind of forgetting how to listen in general, I think it's, you know, you want to fill that time with something. Oh my God, I got 10 seconds. I'm going to check something on my phone. Exactly. But we would do more thinking and more on, on more, more less distracted times for sure. But then I think that I've always had a problem with the tension. I was distracted by something else, if I'm honest, but I think I definitely had more connections with human interactions.

And that's what I think that we all crave at the end of the day. We're always going to remember like how much we loved and how much we connected with people. And I don't think that. No, I think that's right. And in general, not even with just sex intimacy, but in the book, with just sex intimacy bot, but in the book where we're starting to get technologies that can deal with aspects of our lives, you know, that mostly have been around emotions and dealing with other people. I mean, more and more robots and AI are going to be taking over roles like that. And what does that mean? I mean, you know, first of all, who programs them?

Another chapter, the first chapter in the book is called Teddybot. And you know, that was Kevin Kelly, the futurist, who's an amazing writer, and he came up with Teddybot, but we dreamed up this future row at the basically raised our kids. And it's a dance day either, probably sentient, they teach, they protect, all of that.

And then we got into who programs Teddybot? I mean, is it strict or lenient? Or what politically, we got into who programs Teddy bought I mean is a stricter lenient or what politically how you know who programs Yeah, what if you don't like the way they're raising your children like to me that sounds horrible I would I wouldn't want that but but that's kind of on you know as even Alexa I mean mostly Lexan Syria is still pretty neutral right? You know they have a female voice which is kind of controversial, but beyond that, they don't really have much of a personality, but they will.

They will have a personality, for sure. Yeah, and sometimes I wish they did. Yeah, well, I can see, okay, I sometimes I wish Siri could just be a little kinder. A little more like say a little thing, more to me, like just, hey, my phone's here, I know you lost it six times today, but. I'm right here, I'm here. here maybe tease you about it like really that's what's gonna happen but who is

programming all the robots this is gonna be fascinating well I love I love the work that you've done here David I think it's gonna be fascinating for everyone to read your book when it comes out talking to robots tails from our human robot futures you just did such a great job with it. Thank you. And we're going to link to all of this. Where can people find you? Maybe the easiest. It's what's done in books, which is part of Penguin.

So you can go on the Penguin site and put my name in. Or my website, David Ewing Duncan. David Ewing Duncan. It's got a lot of stuff on it. Okay, we're going to have that in our show notes and we're going to have it on the website. And thank you so much, David, for being here. All right, we're going to take a quick break. And we come back. We're going to have that in our show notes and we're going to have that on the website. And thank you so much, David, for being here. Alright, we're going to take a quick break and we come back.

We're going to get into your emails. Okay, so then this email came into us from Sarah, who's 30 in Colorado. She wrote, Hi, Emily. My husband and I have been together for 12 years and share three children. Before we were together, I explored my sexuality and did things that he never experienced. Lately, he's brought up the idea of a threesome and I do not want to participate. I've done it and didn't enjoy myself. He said, I should compromise and allow him to have anal sex with me.

Again, I've done it. I didn't enjoy it. Am I being selfish and refusing these requests? He says I need to be more giving of myself and that I should want to help him explore more of his sexuality. I don't know what to do. All right, hey Sarah. Thank you for your email. Okay Sarah, you guys have been together for 12 years, you have three children and I think yeah, I think it's important for you both together to work on your sex life So my concern here is yeah, you know

Essentially your husband's saying listen we've been together for 12 years I want to prioritize our sex life and try some things different because as you know if you've been paying attention But you've been following along with this sex-denly journey We it's gonna get stale after, like everything you got to mix it up. So that's what he's saying to you have to do your job, your responsibility as a partner in your relationship to co-create a sex life that for both of you works. So, if you don't want to, and you don't want a threesome, what do you want? What would be hot for you to explore?

Because it sounds like it's about him and you want you to compromise and I'm not hearing anything here about what you want. And I get it too, because you've probably been very busy with three children and you're 30 years old. And you're probably exhausted and your hormones are depleted and you're wiped out and I get it. And sex is the last thing on your mind. So there's a certain place where he's,

there's both, there's, again, takes two to tango. I think that you guys have to have a conversation. When you guys have time, hopefully you have a date night or you have a babysitter come over or you go on, I don't know if you've gone on vacation yet without the kids, but I think that's really important. Something as simple as a weekend away could really bring you guys closer together and then you can have these talks or when the kids are sleeping and just say, I hear what you're saying about the anal and the three of them.

I've tried them before. Let's talk about some other things we could do. That would be, that would turn me on. That would be great. Maybe you need some more poor playing, some foot rubs, some intimacy in a way. Maybe you need to get your hormones checked. Maybe you need more babysitters. You have more time to yourself. I understand that not feeling sexy anymore in your body. The other thing I want to say, this doesn't really match for you Sarah necessarily, but a lot of people have tried things once and we didn't like them. Anel is a popular one that a lot of you are like, nope, try it once. It's not for me. And it's also one of those things. The first time we do it, it's usually with a partner

because most people really don't know how to do it correctly. I would say with a younger if you did it when you were before, before you were with him. So 12, you did it when you were 18. So I'm going to assume that you did it, if someone, you used no loob, they did it right away, they hurt. And so, anal can be really pleasurable for a lot of people and when it's done right, but incorrectly, it's freaking painful. So, that's what I got to say about you. There might be a way to slow it down to listen to how we explain it on the show.

We've got a lot of good blogs on our site. We've got a little bit of information on how to do anal right. Not how to do it wrong, but people do it wrong. Yeah, I mean, at least she's, she's like said she's like, I've gone through it. I don't need it.

I feel it. Okay, how does a couple whips a show? Yeah, but how does a couple with children kind of like go through the idea of bringing another person? You get a babysitter, you go to Vegas for the weekend. You. So definitely not at home. I know, no, you don to Vegas for the weekend, you...

So definitely not at home. No, no, you don't want your kids to be like, Mommy, oops, who's the extra daddy in the room, Mommy, no. Yeah. You don't want that. Who's in bed with you, Mommy? That would be an interesting story. That would be great story.

Exactly, in therapy in 20 years, you know. You think they're going to be talking about that when kids don't forget. So yeah, but I think he's just the kind of desperate for again, you guys. It might not even be that he needs all these things. He just needs some kind of connection intimacy. And maybe he just needs the enthusiasm Sarah from you, even if you don't, I just get it though. I get both sides of it.

She's probably exhausted and doesn't even feel enthusiastic for sex anymore. So that's why it's important you would listen to this show to like, do what you can to get into your body, to masturbate, get to know yourself again sexually, and ask for what you want. It's important. Partners on our mind readers, they're not mind readers. You wish they were. Yep, they're not. Okay, so we got another question coming in from Instagram.

It says, I don't know how to initiate sex on dates. How could you please help? Who's it from? Man or woman? I'm a man. Yes. Okay, so initiating sex on dates is really about, I mean, it's about like re-adishing sex or kissing,

I don't know, we're just just about, like finding out if your partner is, if your person's like into it, so I think you gotta start slow, you gotta read their body language, you know, you could start out like your partner is, if your person's into it, so I think you've got to start slow, you've got to read their body language. You know, you could start out with a kiss, you could start out saying, like, I just keep thinking about kissing you. I'd love to kiss you right now. I mean, honestly, just saying I want to kiss you, or I keep thinking about it, is a great

way to let someone know you're interested. I think also since we don't have a ton of practice now, out like connecting and communicating with people because most people are on their phones all the time and I think we're losing that, that it's really awkward, like this period of initiating is awkward, so I think even asking permission and letting them know you're interested because then we separate from each other,

we have a hot date and then we were like, oh, I don't couldn't tell if he was into me, it couldn't tell if I was into her. And so letting it be known is a really like, I think in a direct way, but not acting on it and asking question, could be a good way to go. I think also just like, each step of the way,

because I like when a guy asks me, oh, can I kiss you? Cause then it takes away that awkward head chuv thing or like where they lean in and you're like, I don't know yet. Right. And then you're like, go for it and then it could be awkward. But someone, why do you think it is that people think it's not hot to ask? How because they don't ask correctly or something or maybe they're like, oh no, just do it.

Because women tend to mix signals sometimes. Like, I just want you to do it. I just want to know and then that people do it and they're not ready. Like, oh, why are you coming in? And so, I don't think someone just hasn't done it that way. Like, I really want to kiss you. I think it would be, I don't know. I don't know why I think it's like ruins the moment,

but that's only if you're someone who's inside of your head. You, when a moment is ruined, you are allowing the moment to be ruined. Like, you're interpreting, interpreting whatever happened to your creating a story about whatever happened and making it a bad moment. But really, if you just say in the moment, you can go, oh go he's interested in me

That's what I wanted like don't judge the way you showed it because you have to give people credit whoever's doing initiating It's not easy and that's why one of the top questions I hear from men or like why won't my partner initiate? My partner's initiated initiate all the time It's because we're not we don't a lot of us are oriented that way like we never had to so Kind of slack if it's a little awkward the first time or it's a weird kind of fumble towards kissing you or making the move like it's not easy. And you're facing rejection.

Scary. Scary place. I have a question. What's a good way, say that I'm into this person. What is a good way to tell, let the person know that you're into them but you're not ready for it yet. Yeah, that's a good question.

I think it's like, God, yeah, I've thought about, I think it's like, you know what, I'm really feeling this with you. I'm having a good attraction to you, but I want to go slow. I think it's just like, yeah, I would love to see you again. And I think we should end this date, but let them know you're interested, but it just, you want to go slow. I think that we forget sometimes that we just kind of push people away because we like freak out of the moment and then we send the signal that we're not interested. But if we just say, I'm into you, but not right now.

And that's just a matter of being in your body, recognizing like, and this is what I want everyone to practice, like not just giving in because someone asked you to have sex or because guilted into it or shame or anything. But more like, it's okay to think you might want to but not be ready yet. I think that's really healthy. And that's the practice of being, again, this weekend, I talked about this embodiment where the body is your body feeling, what is it telling you in the moment, it knows. Like, we all know we have to pay attention and act from like a fearful place or like, I should have sex with this person

because I'm on a date with them and they brought me to a nice dinner or I'm already back. Here's another big one. If you're already back at someone's house and you guys are like fooling around and things are gonna happen, and then in your mind you're like,

ah, I'm not sure I wanna go ahead with this. Totally okay to stop. In fact, I encourage it. If you're not feeling you're being great, you know what, let's stop for a minute. I just do take a few deep breaths, it's kinda going fast. Let's just kind of, you know what, let's stop for a minute. I just take a few deep breaths, it's kind of going fast. Let's just kind of, you know, breathe together, talk together.

I mean, it's a lot better. And then you reset rather than being like, no, pushing their hands away than leaving or like, then they feel like they fucked up. I mean, just communicate whatever you're feeling in the moment. All right, this one's an interesting one. This is an email we got from Anne, 20 in Quebec. Hi, Emily. My boyfriend has a tickling fetish.

I don't share this turn on, but it is a lot of fun. So I enjoy having tickling involved in our sex life. However, my boyfriend has only been able to finish when tickling is involved. I don't have a problem with this at all, but I think it would be fun to get them off different ways as well. Any tips for someone with a fetish

to get off without it? Thanks. All right Anne, this is a good question because let me tell you guys, there is a for someone with a fetish to get off without it? Thanks. All right, and this is a good question, because let me tell you guys, there is a difference between like a fetish and like having a propensity or kink towards something. When you have a fetish, like he's a tickle fetish or you have a foot fetish or a leather fetish,

that object is actually required for complete arousal. Like if he's not tickling you, he can't get the rouse. And I don't think he can finish either. Now maybe he's aroused and there is another way to finish him with tickling with him tickling you, but you'd have to practice with him. That'd be something that you need to talk to him about. And honestly, if you're both 20, there's ways to learn

just because it's a fetish and you requires it. Maybe you could tickle him and then he could have sex with you simultaneously while you're tickling him. I don't really know his scenario, but I think that letting him know that you'd like to explore, I don't think it's as set as we think. Like you guys could try different ways, but I just want people to understand the difference.

Like, so we've got to have a total fetish for something, blow-dops, or fetish for dancers, but really that might just be a attraction rather than like a requirement that you need for sex to happen. Is there a way, like with some kind of sex therapy, you can unlearn a fetish, or is it pretty ingrained? It's pretty ingrained, you know. I've actually, we studied this, there's been a lot of studies in this and it's like it's

a very, I mean there is behavioral conditioning, there are ways to rewire your brain to stop doing everything. So yes, I think that if you learn to replace that desire towards a tickling and you replace it with something else and you might have to work with some kind of behavioral therapist or some kind of practice that you absolutely could, but it's not, like it's not going to go away unless you do some really rigorous behavioral training. Yeah, so if you got one, you might as well. Live it up.

Okay, let's do another one here from Instagram. It says, my girlfriend doesn't like receiving oral. What kind of things can I do to persuade her, and this is coming from a man? Okay, well, you're not gonna persuade her, but what you can do is there's a lot of women who don't like receiving oral sex. And my belief is that there's two kinds.

One is the woman who actually doesn't feel good. There's a lot of women who have very, very sensitive clitorisys, and it just really doesn't feel good. And for those women who's clitoris sensitive, they're like, no, it doesn't feel good. And for those women who's clitoris sensitive, they're like, no, it doesn't feel good. And sometimes those women can have like multiple orgasms. However, there's some women who think like you don't really want to be going down on them or like maybe something's wrong or they smell funny or they don't have the confidence.

So what you have to do there is just say, you know what? I think that it would, you could ask too and say, what is it about me, you know, going down to you that you're not into? And you could say, just I'm just asking because I want to understand more about you. We're together and I want to understand what turned you on and what you're into sexually and she might just say, I don't know, I don't like it. Or she could say, well, I had about experience ones or she might say, well, I don't really feel like you want to.

Or she'll say, I think I feel gross down there. And then that's when you've a chance to say, no no babe, I, oh my God, I think it'd be so high. It's when I go down in the new all night. I want you to lay back. I want you to like, you know, my favorite thing for someone to say is if you want to go down in a woman and she's not into it, after you guys know this chat, just say, babe, I'm not going anywhere.

I got all night. And then you want to be like, I'm so into you. You smell good, you taste good. And I think that the more that women can just kind of relax into oral, that they'll come around. But again, it's a process. You're just going to get her into it without understanding more about why she doesn't want to before you can move forward.

So this one comes from Sarah. She wants to know how do guys feel about shaving slash not shaving for sex? I had a recent experience where I wasn't shaved and the guy didn't say anything, but I still felt really insecure throughout the entire encounter. Oh, okay. So, Sarah, how do you feel about shaving? I think that's what we have to remember is you get to decide. You get to decide how you know, was it like, are you usually shaved, but you weren't shaved? I really think that most guys you're with aren't going to care and they're just they're happy to be having sex with someone. And I think if a guy shames you about it and makes you feel bad about it, then I don't think he's the person for you. And I think you have to do whatever makes

you feel comfortable. And I don't know how old she is, but it's too good lesson to learn because I think when you maybe we're a little younger, you might not really, you might think, oh, I,'t know how old she is, but it's too good lesson to learn because I think when you maybe we're a little younger You might not really you might think oh, I you know what the guys like what do people and I think that is the common like we were guys I know what it girls like But what I'm telling you is what really matters what you like because then you know, we always say What I always say what is true is that confidence is the sexiest thing in the bedroom So if you are rockin shaved unshaved, landing strip, whatever people do, carbon initials into your bottom. I don't know.

Have you ever gotten a shape? No, I haven't. I'm surprised I have it. That seems like something I would do. What kind of shape? Like a... Like the lips from your logo? Yeah.

Oh, kiss here. Kissy, I think I tried to... No, I usually just like take it off, but I think I was gonna do a guy's initials once, but it was a G and it was just really hard to do. And I just fail. I like tried to, so you're gonna add a G spot. A lot of G spot.

Yeah, exactly. Oh, yeah, I should just get a tattoo that just is like, here's a G spot, here's a clitoris. He just like, arrows. Tattoo instruction. Exactly. You're full, but. No, I'm not stressful to have sex with at all.

I swear to God, people are always like, are guys intimidated to date you? I'm like, no, no, no, it's all written out for them. We're all open by it. It's tattooed, it just says, here's my nipple. Slow down, it's like a game. Like a board game, it's going down. It's going down.

It's going to be like five minutes, at least five minutes on the nipples. Slow down, slow down. And then it's going further down, like a board game. It's going down like that. It's going to be like five minutes, at least five minutes on the nipples. Slow it down, slow it down. And then it's going further down. Like nope, not yet, but like my body, yes. What if there was like an operation game, but for turning on a viewer partner or a woman or a man or whoever it is?

Yes. And it kind of just like you can tailor it. Like you can program it and then you give it to your partner. You program it like to do. But is it really a situation where you're picking it? Well yeah, like you can program it and then you give it to your partner. You program it like to do. What is it really? Dab us. Well yeah, because you have to, well you have to like, you just have to,

it's a little be like the same kind of thing and you have to touch the parts. But if you go too fast, it'll buzz and it'll, right, you've dropped the bone. You've dropped the heart rate. You skip over the breast completely. It's just like the game blows up. Yeah, exactly.

No, I think it's great. I think whatever helps us, we need some instructions. And it could be a fun game. It doesn't be operation, but with your partner, like if you're like, I don't know, I'd explain what I want. If you're a partner's on board, you could have like one night being all about your pleasure.

And you do this. You're like, that's start making out. And then don't, and if you both agree that you get to lead one night and the next night, then you don't have to worry anything goes. If you're a pleaser, because the thing is, Sarah's a pleaser, probably too. Sarah, what's right, what's wrong?

I think a lot of women are we wanna do it, but this way, if you're with a partner, I can't worry if they aren't into the fact that I want more making out, or I want more oral sex sex or I want my toy. Like I can't worry about it because I'm directing the sex that night with my partner as there's we're moving through like,

no, no, not so fast. And then they know. And then the next night, it's kind of like the kissing thing I talk about where people believe that if you a bad kisser is reasons for dismissal and that that just means that you're not meant to be together. And I just don't think that's true.

Because I think you can work on kissing. You're like, I want you to show me how you want to be kissed. And then I'll show you how I want to be kissed. So, and I think that works for a lot of people. So that could also work for a play. Like, I'm showing you what I like one night. Or it could be a game, yeah, where you could do the game of operation as well.

Just gamify your sex life. We gamify everything else. Why not? Or it can be a game, yeah, where you could do the game of operation as well. Just gamify your sex life. We gamify everything else. Why not? I'm picturing Jamie, someone doing it to her and she's like, eh, screams at their face that they're doing it wrong. No, no, no, no, someone doing it to you personally. Yeah, I mean, it's interesting.

Sometimes I do feel like, in the the moment I try to make it sound sexy Directions, but I think sometimes I'm also like I'm just like no touch me here. Yeah, like I don't like Jamie's abrupt Be more Touch me here. It's practice. It is practice with your slut bot robot friend All right guys I hope you enjoyed this show and help you join the interview with David Ewing Duncan and just thanks everyone for supporting the show and for sharing the show with your friends, with your neighbors, with whoever you think would get a benefit from the show and help them with their um, relationship and sex life.

Like it's helped you, we so appreciate it and we love and you subscribe and just thanks everyone for supporting the show. Thank you also to my amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwitheml.com.