Sex With Emily - Sex & Loving Your Body w/ Shaun T

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

Shaun T is host of the podcast “Trust and Believe,” a world renowned fitness trainer, and a professional dancer. Not to mention a wonderfully sex positive man, but it was a journey – I repeat, a JOURNEY – to get there.On today’s show, Shaun T gives me his genius sex and arousal hacks, how he and his partner keep things interesting after 12 years and two kids, plus…his favorite kink. He also opens up about surviving childhood sexual assault, how he came to understand and accept his sexuality, and the trauma work he did to get to where he is today. Trust me: if you need an instant pick-me-up around your sex, sexuality, or your body, this is *the* conversation for you. Show Notes:More Shaun T: Podcast | Instagram | Website | Twitter | YoutubeWhat’s Your Arousal Type?These Are the Five Arousal Styles. Which One Are You? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is really hard. It took me like 40 years to do this. But you literally have to learn how to walk down the street and be like, I'm the sh**. Like literally, you have to find a way to screen out the noise. Because at the end of the day, the body that you're walking in right now, the body you need to use to get where you want to be. So if you're constantly beating it down because you don't like the way it looks, it's going to be really hard to climb that mountain. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation

around sex. Sean T is the host of the podcast Trust and Believe, a world-renowned fitness trainer and a professional dancer, not to mention a wonderfully sex-positive man, but it was a journey. I repeat, a journey to get there. On today's show, Sean T gives me his genius sex and arousal hacks, how he and his partner keep things

interesting after 12 years and 2 kids. Plus his favorite kink. He also opens up about surviving childhood sexual assault. How he came to understand and accept his sexuality and the trauma work he did to get to where he is today. Trust me. If you need an instant pick me up around your sex, sexuality, or your body, this is the conversation for you. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, I want to start off by setting an intention

for the show and I do it. I encourage you to do the same. So when you're listening, what do you want to get out of the episode? How could it help you? Well, my intention is for you to feel a sense of possibility listening to Sean T. After you listen, ask yourself, what's one thing? Just one thing I can do today to love my body and show appreciation for. Please rate and review Sex with Emily

wherever you listen to this show. My new article, these are the five arousal styles, which one are you, is up at sexwithemily.com. And check out my YouTube channel, social media, and TikTok. It's all at sex with Emily for more sex tips and advice. You want to ask me questions? Well, leave me your questions or message me at sexwithemely.com slash ask Emily or call my hotline 559 talk sex or.59 825 5739.

Always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. Oh, and you can totally change your name or choose to remain anonymous. Alright, everyone. Enjoy this episode. Sean T is the host of the podcast Trust and Believe with Sean T, where he helps listeners build confidence to live their best life possible. As a world-renowned fitness trainer, his at-home workouts like Insanity, T25, and Hip-Hop abs have been household names. As a former stage dancer for celebrities, author and activist,

Sean T is inspired millions around the world, but it's never too late to live the life of your dreams. Find more Sean on social media at Sean T or on his website, SeanTLife.com. Sean T, welcome to the show. Thank you for being able to get right into it, but you are a, I can see why, beloved podcast host and fitness celebrity and you motivate people and now you're motivating me, I want

to talk to you. We're going to get into all your story. But let's talk about this real quickly. So you've been married for how long? I've been married for almost 10 years. I've always been 10 years married. We are in almost 12 years together. So October of 2022 will be 10 and 12, that makes sense. Okay. So the arousal episode, so what we're really excited you was thinking about how, because I love this episode just came out. So what I love is like thinking about, because couples are together for a while, right? The honeymoon phase is over and you've got to think about like, when do I want sex and what turns me on?

So what you're saying just to bring everyone up to speed is that you thought about it. You're like, oh, I get turned on when I'm looking at what I'm watching media. You mean like watching porn or watching... Ethical porn. I'm a keeper real kind of person here Emily, so just give ready.

I'm in, I'm in. Yeah. Also, I am into like when I mean, I'm in. Yeah. Also, I am into, like, when I travel and I'm away, my husband and I send each other either photos or videos of ourselves, because that, it's just like so stimulating to me. It just, like, it connects me at a different level. And I think that when I was, when I was hearing you talk about conversation and like keeping up with each other and kind of like, how's your week been or whatever,

we work together. So I don't find that to be anyway stimulated because we talk all the time. Yeah. And we're really close, you know, we, I mean, we're super, super close and we have no secrets in our relationship. So for me, when it's time for

a rouse, I'm going to go to the arousal state. Does that make sense? Yes, absolutely. But wait, I love what you're saying because what you're saying is like, we have our relationship of toyers, but you work together every day and you're talking like, did you get that video up or what's the happen with the contracts or whatever it is, whatever you guys do together. But then you're like, and this is for someone I got it like, be and be attracted to. So you've created naturally these other things that keep the arousal going. So it makes sense that when you're away, you're like, here's a sexy video of me, you know, whatever in the shower doing my thing. It separates that and we need that spark. We need to be arous and connected. So I think that that's really brilliant on your own. You've found

this to keep it hot. You mentioned, you know, ask how long we've been together. And so we have been together for 12 years. And there's never been a law in our sex life. I would say maybe a three month law when we first had our twin boys, it was kind of like, what the heck? But I was still like, no, we might be fighting a lot because we're not sleeping,

but we're still gonna get this done because I just don't have time to like, no, we might be fighting a lot because we're not sleeping, but we're still gonna get this done because I just don't have time to like, have to build up. So we still are way stay connected. And that way so many people as you know, talk about the honeymoon phase of a relationship and some people also say sex isn't that important. I'm like, yes, it is.

Absolutely. If when we got together, like, yeah, I mean, we don't have time to have sex six times a day. Right. When we first met. However, I'm one of the reasons why I wanted to be with you. Initially was because I find you extremely attractive and I wanted to, you know, be intimate with you.

So it was really important for me. So anyway, it was important because otherwise your roommate's and business partners like what's the point and it takes work. So I love that you knew that and I'm kind of amazed that you had twin boys and you only had a few months down time because what I'm talking to you was like it's been six months, it's been nine months, it's hard having young kids, young toddlers around and so sounds like you guys have been through it. But of course, it's important that it ebbs and flows, right?

Just talking about ebbs and flows, it's interesting. I think maybe the longest we met, I don't even think it we've ever gone to meets without. But I think that the ebbs and flows for us is the stress level of work. That is the one thing, or my anxiety. One of the two. Because here's what's so interesting and I promise you this is so true. Scott has never said no to me. Like if I was in a state of wanting to you know have sex

literally never not once. Me on the other hand I I'm like, I'm too stressed out for it. Like I just, I don't have time. He has never ever ever sent me. Even to the point where, there would be points where he would want to be intimate and I wouldn't, and it was really because I just didn't have the energy to give. And so, you know, in your episode, when you were talking about

measuring yourself is okay, you know, that if you prefer masturbation over being with someone, I just thought that was super profound because I knowingly Scott made a way because I was like, I would prefer that, but I also don't feel like doing that right now. So there would be many times because I just hold more stress and anxiety in my life.

Where Scott would pleasure me and be like completely fine with that, even though like I didn't want to return the favor and what's really like crazy about that is like one of the promises we made to each other earlier in our marriage is like, okay, we're always you turn the favor. So then I have to say, well, I can't return the favor tonight, but I'll return a favor later. So I think that's kind of how we navigate the eds and flows, if you will. Oh, no, that is a beautiful example. And I just want to punctuate what you're saying here

that it's like, a lot of times we're all adults, we're exhausted, we've jobs, you've have kids, things going on, I don't know, like sometimes it's hard to give your part of the full experience and then be like, okay, now I'll take mine. Like, who's got time anymore, right? So to say that you will get yours, it might be tomorrow, it might be this weekend, but

to feel that satisfaction of knowing that he pleased you and that his is going to come and that it sounds like you as of the most excellent communication because he knows that you're not going to be like, you know, not return the favor. Essentially, I have a massage table here that I use. The other night, like my boyfriend came over, and he's like, get out the massage table. And he just like went, like he's like, it's all about you. And for like an hour, like it was unbelievable.

And I'm like, okay, and now I felt great. I didn't have to do anything. And I'm like, okay, this weekend, I'm gonna bring out the table for him. He knows that. So it's the same thing. And I don't see that often from couples. I think it doesn't really,

if you don't really get it, it makes sense. So I love that you are just illustrating this right away because I think it's we're all tired, exhausted. Other things going on it's a great way to prioritize your relationship. But I love also with your audience, you talk a lot about therapy and how therapy's been really helpful for you and to prioritize it. So have you had that in your relationship as well? Have you guys gone to therapy together? We've never been to therapy together. We both have gone to therapy prior to knowing each other.

And I think that was a really great foundation. Growing up gay is, everybody has an issue to think how we've even go to therapy before. I think knowing that we both grew up gay and maybe in sexually abused and Scott growing through things as a professional athlete and having to like kind of hide who he was. We kind of both been through a lot prior to our marriage and having been to therapy, becoming with a lot of great conversation and like knowing

ourselves well. But I definitely want to caveat this to say like, yes, we fight. Yes, we have arguments like we do not have the perfect relationship in terms of like, you know, it's the white pick offense, but back to what you said, we do have really, really, really, really great communication. And I do want to pinpoint that even though we've been to therapy and even though we've never had to go to couples therapy, there are times where even with great communication, you still need time. You can still be upset, you can still be angry, you can still need time to part to come back together. Everyone thinks that even going to therapy or having that perfect communication doesn't

allow for you to be able to still have to deal with your emotions or to still be angry or not want to forget right away. But I also think that that is the great rollercoaster ride of a relationship because Scott would tell you, he's like, you love confrontation. I'm like, no, I just want to get to the meat of the problem because I just believe that if we solve the depths of this issue, then when we get to the next hill,

and we like, at that roller coaster, there's gonna be a much more thrilling because we have worked through something already. But we've never had to go to therapy. And we actually had a really, it wasn't intense, it was a really open conversation a couple of weeks ago, because I still go to therapy every week,

and I feel crazy about Don, and I asked him, hey, do you want to go back? And I guess in some way therapy may have stressed him out even more because of all he had to work through. So we just kind of talk about him going again as well because he's not an expressive person. He's more of like, I'm going to hold this inside. So I was like, you know, maybe you need to go and it'll help you out. The main thing is I think when couples like learn how to, there's two things. I guess when you go

into therapy as a couple, you'll learn how to communicate, how to get through those hard things where you want to talk or he doesn't want to talk about it and why, but then also our individual therapy to work on our own traumas and our own issues, which it sounds like you've done a lot of that as well. And I'm actually working on a book right now and I wanted to ask you something. So I explore this idea of like sex self acceptance. Like how when we truly accept ourselves and you know that sort of like I have more confidence, which I know confidence is kind of this elusive thing we're always working on, but how it informs your sex life. So for a lot of people that means like learning to accept or even love or like their body when they have like body hate, but I want to hear from you on that point, like your own journey to self acceptance around

your body. And then also, yeah, I know you motivate people in this way as well. So maybe you could talk about that what it's been like for you. That is such an interesting question because for me, body awareness started when I was young because I was sexually abused. Like I would literally be in my bed at eight years old. Sometimes I was eight to the time I was 12. I would be asleep in my abusive of coming starting off by massaging my blood. So it's like this really weird,

like I didn't have a great vivacorship with my body really not to like really, really recently because I've done a couple of podcasts and just like accepting my body, really not to like, really, really recently, because I've done a couple of podcasts on just like accepting my body. And a lot of times it had nothing to do with weight necessarily. I think it just had to deal with like the culmination of just like being okay.

And I would give you a little point and then I'll go into like body image more, but even in our relationship up until like, I would say like maybe five years ago, like if Scott maybe six, it was probably a little more now, but when Scott would come up to me in the bathroom and even like touch my butt without me knowing it, I would freak out.

But you wanna know what's like such the dichot, it's so dichotomists of all that. Like if I didn't feel good in my body, like my chest and my arms and my abs, like I know the one thing that I love was my ass. So it's kind of like this thing of like, I don't want you to touch it. That feels good to me. And it was really weird because I really,

that was like the one thing that I'm like, okay, if all else is not feeling great, I'm gonna turn around before I get the shower and be like, boom, the booties right, and then being able to marry those things together while accepting that my husband wanted to touch me there also knowing that it is my favorite part. It was very healing. So to your point about how body and body

is goes in the confidence, I think that you really have to find out there's a why you don't like something about yourself or why you don't favor it. I think the most important thing, especially in my line of work, is that we have been, I don't wanna use the word brainwash because I think it's overused, but we have been marketed

to think that a certain body type is the best kind of body type. And then I'm gonna get close to the camera if you accept you all watching this. My husband's super ripped, he's very attractive, you know, he's six. But I'm like, if we walk in down the street and it's like what people call thick THICC, like a thick guy or even girls. I'm so attracted to that too. I'm so attracted to so many different body types. So I just want to hopefully motivate people out there. If you're looking in a mirror and you don't like what you see because you're comparing it to what you think other people want to see. In addition to that, you might be comparing it to what society thinks that you

are compared to maybe your spouse, right? Like your spouse might go to the gym all the time. And maybe you go to the gym once in a while, you might not be as ripped or whatever. That, you kind of have to let that go because what society thinks is beautiful is not the only thing that's beautiful. It's just a one thing that people think and I was actually watching this. I was on TikTok the other day and I was looking at this TikTok and that point came up. There was a guy who was clearly kind of like in bodybuilding and then there was a woman who's like, no, I don't work out. And so she got a lot of hate messages like, how'd you get him?

Girl, he's gonna cheat on you. Like, oh my God, she must be a sugar mama. Like these comments were so disgusting and it made me so angry. I couldn't say anything because I was scrolling. I was like, oh, I want to comment. But I think that again, and now I'm gonna be, keep it very real. All these people say like, oh my God, I can't believe that person, you're I'm going to be very real.

All these people say, like, oh my God, I can't believe that person with that person. You're not this, you're not that. And I'm like, you don't look like that either. You don't even look like what you're saying is beautiful. So you don't have it all together. Your diet is not 100% perfect. You don't go to the gym all the time. You've had times where you fell off the wagon.

So why are you even acting like that shouldn't even be? You know, and I think a lot of people dive into this whole thing, meaning, oh, you should take care of your body. And you see, but I'm going to be like, shut up. Like just stop right now because you don't have it all together either. Like I always say to people, we're all in the closet about something. Like we all have something to like figure out in our lives. I heard you on my friend Jordan Harbinger's podcast like a few years ago and you said that and I actually wrote down that quote that we're all in the closet about something

and it's so true. We really are. We all have things that we hide that we're shameful of. I think it's interesting. I was actually listening to another way your podcast that you did with Chip Huffle who was saying the opposite of pride is shame, right? And I always say the opposite of pleasure is shame.

We often think like, I don't deserve pleasure because I haven't worked out today or I didn't finish this thing. So I'm not going to like have sex or masturbate or shop or eat or whatever my pleasure is, right? And so, yeah, there's just so much goddamn shame around this too. So I feel like it's shame and it's like we're in the closet about things. And I just feel like that I love what you're talking about, you're just being so real and so authentic about all of these things that we want to wrap them here together. So going back to self acceptance. And I totally get what you're saying, like looking in the mirror and thinking,

like, you have to look like a certain type. Like in the 90s, it was all about like the skinny, thin models. And now it's like more bodies have changed throughout time and now it's really just like it should always be what we like about ourselves right how we feel our best how what makes us feel the most confident and you're in this feel like what are some things like I tell people like look in the mirror do some exposure exercises where you're walking around you're writing affirmations because I do think it's the way you carry yourself, the way that you care for yourself, you eat, you work out, but like, what is that switch? Like, how does it work? And I also think you can answer this too. Like, it's a process, right?

Because you probably have days where you're not loving your body, right? Even though it's what you look amazing and it's what you do. So what are some tips to this? I think that one thing that I know that makes me feel good right away, regardless of what my muscle tone is or what my skin tone is or if I have a pimple on my face or whatever, I got my right there. Maybe it's going almost on. But dressing, like, oh my gosh, if you have a little bit of money, go to them all, put

like where something that makes you feel confident. And I used to love that show, what not to wear. I don't know if you remember, but my favorite part of that show is when the stylist would take these people into the in front of the mirror. And that's where they would be super emotional because they weren't dressing. They weren't dressing for their body, but most importantly, they weren't dressing for their confidence. So the most, the first thing you can do that you can change right away is go, if you have a little bit of money, it's to save up and get an outfit that's, or a couple outfits that's going to make you feel good.

Because that's going to take you away from just the skin you're in and the muscle tone. It creates an outer layer of beauty that you can design and you can look great. And I'm like, go to the makeup counter, go get your face beat. You know what I'm saying? Get your hair done, get your nails done. Do some things and make you feel good that nothing to do if I do it

and I push up or I look at weights or eating a salad. And so when you start to do that, you're able to, it's not covering it up. It's just finding a way to find your beauty. So that's like the first thing I say to do. The second thing which is really, really hard is learn how to give zero bucks. Like this is really hard. It took me like 40 years to do this. But you literally have to learn how to walk down the street and be like, I'm the shit. Like literally, you have to find a way to screen out the noise.

Because at the end of the day, the body that you're walking in right now, the body you need to use to get where you want to be. So if you're constantly beating it down, because you don't like the way it looks, it's gonna be really hard to climb that mountain. So even on days when I'm like, I don't feel that great, I'm like, listen,

these shoulders are gonna be up, this chest is gonna be prepped out. You lucky I don't have a pair of heels. For women, wear a pair of heels. I swear, wear a pair of heels with tights. That you walk into gym with. Like another thing I'll say is I'm walking out of your house. If you live in a neighborhood where you come walk out of your house and you walk to your

car, those first steps that you take out of your house, even if nobody's out, none of you neighbors are out watching, like just walk out the house, open a door and be like, yes, you almost have to act like you walk on stage and be like, I'm here. Like, I'm letting y'all know I'm here. It's the foundation of your day. I literally promise you that even if you feel like really, not, if you don't feel really great about what you would look or feel like right now,

if you say that when you walk out the door, you will slay the game for at least 15 minutes, right? It's more than you did before. But like, now I'm gonna get to the body, to that actual body. This is where I do like the alarm They're my tough trainer alert. I'm like this good. I feel like this is my body I'm like next time I walked my car. I can't wait to walk to my car today

You lucky I'll ask you to get up now. Go walk to go walk to my car. I want to do a redo of them already from this morning Okay, I Want to get to the body really quickly and that is morning. Okay. I want to get to the body really quickly and that is first of all don't put on your vision board another person's body like this is the gateway to being unsuccessful. I believe put your body on there put maybe it's a time where you know you felt like a little bit more confident. Put that on your vision board but here's the tough part. Do the work. Don't be a complainant, Raymond. Because if you're complaining every day

when you wake up like, oh my gosh, I don't feel good, but you're not going to jump out. Oh my God, I can't believe I look like this. And I don't like what I look, but you're not eating to get you to that point. Or you can go to the doctor and check your thyroid. It's not always about lifting weights or the way you eat. Maybe you need to go get some blood work done.

Maybe you need to go to the dermatologist, because it could just be your face is not feeling bright. There's so many different things you can do, but you have to do the work and you have to be very proactive to make these changes that you want. That's such great advice. It's so true. We have to care about our mental health, our physical health, you know, being more connected to our bodies. I love the actual embodiment at your size of like literally like I can see that now, like giving zero fox walking outside, like not keeping your head down, putting on something that makes you feel good and rocking. Like that's so much about style, fashion, like whatever you feel good in, you can rock that and walk it.

And I love this advice. I want to go back to something you were talking about embodiment, which I've got to talk about a lot in the show, about being connected. A lot of us are disconnected. I think you see that too during your work of training people and we're so focused on the end goal, like I'm gonna lose five pounds, I'm gonna be ripped,

but we'll take a disconnect, right, from like our head to our heart. Like it's the way we breathe, shallow sometimes. And so what has been that journey for you, because I know you talked about you're growing up and you had sexual abuse growing up. And then I think what you were saying that when your partner grabs your butt, that first you might have a trigger

back to your childhood abuse that you said happened in that way. And so I'm wondering what that process was of sort of learning to kind of connect into your body getting disassociated from the trauma. Yeah it was really really interesting because there was definitely a response, a physical response of fear, perspiration, anger was like the first thing and it made me feel really bad

especially when my spouse did it. I had friends that would like to see me and they would just smack me in the butt there like oh my gosh it's so big. Right and I would just like I would basically relit those moments of the end of the year. But the process of it it was therapy and I know it sounds very redundant for people but it was talking through the layers of what it felt like. And I'm gonna go here, Emily. My first day, the very first time I was sexually abused, my malester, who was a man, tried to put his penis in my butt.

So like my entire, that entire region where I learned to therapy is like clenched and stressed. When I was a kid, and I'm a girl here because I want people to really understand the depth of this, like I would not go to the bathroom a number two for like eight or nine days, and when I would go, it would just be a tremendous amount of pain, right?

So like I went through this entire process of really being clenched and stressed to make the first that was being able to be like, okay, like having a healthy digestive system, understanding that I had to like really, have a good relationship with going to the bathroom which people probably never experienced before. Then the next part was, you know, accepting my body

and knowing that this is a part of your body and it's not separated from everything else because my butt was separated, it was a fear, it was a trigger, it was a stink. That's when I really got into the fitness industry and I was like, this is a part of my genetic makeup and I would use a joke around with my mom. I used to think, small, put a booty.

It was like, those little silly things that maybe it's complicated, this is it. Then there was the getting past the sexual abuse when it came to sex. And so this was huge. So for the longest time in my relationship, I didn't enjoy gay male sex, you're used to your bottom. And I didn't enjoy being a bottom.

Like there was no way I could relax into that. Like even after I got okay with my husband touching my, but I was like, okay, I'll do this for you, but it was always just like a moment of non-pleasure, but the emotional pleasure of pleasing my husband, it was like so crazy, it was always so emotional, to the point where he helped me work through that, and now I'm completely free of life.

What you wanna do? What you want to do? How you want to touch it? You want to lay on it? You want to use it as a pillow? You want to use it as a night pillow? Like, so it was all of that work and all of that process. And but the phases of it were minor and me telling Scott, OK, you can touch my butt now.

And then having relapse moments of that of like, and then getting to the point where I would have an internal relapse moment, but I wouldn't show it to him, and that was the next level of saying, okay, like this is okay, like you're not hurt, you're not in a dark room anymore, like to the point now, I'm just like, I cannot believe you didn't touch my butt today, I'm over it.

Thank you so much for sharing this story, because sexual trauma is so common, and I hear from a lot of people like your story And then I hear from a lot of vulva owners who are like, you know, have Sexual pain right because it's a clenching. It's a constricting So if they've had sexual assault or trauma, they've something called vagendismis or vestibule dinea And there's all these nerve endings and their whole life like it's painful and until you go into therapy and understand for me and for many people EMDR therapy trauma therapy has been helpful whole life like it's painful. And until you go into therapy and understand for me and for many people

EMDR therapy, trauma therapy has been helpful. I'm not sure what it sounds like talking through and noticing the parts, so noticing where you have the pain. And that's all possible. So what a great example for people who are still sort of working through a lot of this stuff, because if you don't deal with it though, in therapy, it really just does, you know, whatever you resist, process. And it really would stay with you if you hadn't done this work and had a loving partner that you could actually work through the stages because it's not you don't just decide and then it's gone so thank you for taking the time to explain that I do appreciate that a lot. After the break Sean shares his tips

for keeping his sex life hot in long term relationship. I want to also go back to something else. I talk about pride and shame and it is pride month and I've been thinking a lot about shame in my life with pleasure and I'm more than if you could just talk to me like I have pride and shame showed up in your life in ways that you wanna talk about. Yeah, to be very honest, I haven't really connected the shame very well. I don't think it was a part of like my emotional state

for me was always fear. And so it was like fear and stress and anxiety. I've never been like a person to feel shameful. However, I will touch on it a little bit, you know, within my experience, especially when it comes to pride and being gay. And I think that when it comes to body image, whether when it comes to expressing who you truly are,

instead of immediately saying, this is me, this is the cards I've been dealt, this is with my brain lies, this is what my life experiences. And instead of saying, I'm gonna really enjoy this because this is who I am. We go with, for me, it's fear, but I guess it's very similar to shame.

We go to the thing of what people won't like, why it is a bad thing to be like this. And most of the time when we go to shame, it's another person's view. It's another person's opinion. It's another person's judgment of us. Unless you literally did something that you should be ashamed of that. Like if you slighted someone,

if you lied to someone, if you stole something, if you told a white lie to impact somebody in a really great way, should you feel shameful of that? Yes, because you know, every action causes a reaction. But who you truly are is not an action. Who you truly are is who you truly are. And so if you never did anything to hurt anyone, you should find a way to change shame to like understanding who you are and embracing the other side of that, which is truly greatness. Yeah, yeah, I think that's true. And I see what you're saying to the connection between shame and fear. I can relate a lot to fear and anxiety. That's kind of like my

default. I would say fear is false evidence appearing. Appearing real. Right. Let's go. So too though. It's like none of this is real. We're making this up. So how do you deal with your anxiety? I went through a lot. So mostly, so I was like super like tons of anxiety. Like I would go in these like what I like to call tornadoes and I would create these experiences and I create outcomes. I could tell the future. I probably in my head could have made billions of dollars on telling everybody like this is gonna happen in your life

it's you know with anxiety you're only going to one place and you're like this is gonna happen and you try to prove to yourself that this is gonna be. But really what I did when it came to anxiety and stuff is like, what are the facts? You don't feel sick, you haven't had any symptoms. If the facts are reading this way, why are you going to the other way?

And so that's kind of how I was able to deal with it. Obviously therapy is like, again, important, we're journaling, I know we say therapy a lot. Some people get a lot from writing stuff down just like seeing their thoughts. You know, when I was younger I used to be like, oh my god, my friend, you have a diary and I'm like, damn, I should have a diary. I go to help. One of the first things is really accepting the anxiety, accepting a fear, accepting what it is that's happening and knowing your physical and mental response to it.

Because if you don't really connect to it and understand why you're in that situation in the first place, it's going to be really hard to change it. It's like saying, well, some people who may, their heart may not be healthy. It's like, my heart is fine. I eat a salad, but you're also eating pizza every day. It's like you have to accept, oh, then you have to now start to do something to change it. So I think it's like accepting and knowing

where that anxiety comes from, which again helps a lot in therapy. Then you can start to make an action plan to get out of that. But for me, it's just like telling myself, these are the facts, Sean. And I used to lose sleep. Like every time I'd be getting like a blood test or like go to the doctor,

I would lose sleep until like a result came back. I wouldn't sleep for days. I would be like, oh my gosh. And now I'm like, you know, I'm like, what are you doing to yourself? I want to ask you though about this too. Talk about the mental health and stuff that we're struggling with.

But what is the connection you see between sexual health and physical health? Like the people that you work with over time, we're in yourself. Do you see a connection about people who start to get better shape or take care of themselves, how they feel sexually? Yeah, definitely. I've heard people say in the thousands of people that are trained or in fact in their lives through physical exercise, it really started with confidence. And confidence is a root to so many incredible things.

And definitely one of those things, people said I felt confident which leads them to where two can spade them so, or just abade Them Su that they find themselves are super attractive in. So more skin revealing clothes and all of that, whether you're in a relationship or you're single, it's going to draw more eyes to you, which is going to make you get more compliments a lot of times, which then makes you feel more attractive, which then makes you want to be sexual,

and then you can open yourself up to that. When you feel really good in your own skin, then the next point is like feeling good naked, because I think the other thing is people find a lot of fear and being naked is taboo. You know, we take pictures of our babies like, oh my god, look at the little part of it, look at the little feet. And then like at some point, it's like, oh my God, you're showing too much. I'm like, why? Why am I showing too much? Because I, you know,

so I think again, I believe, not that I say we should all walk around the streets naked. I wouldn't be mad. Not to say that we should do that. However, I do believe that, you know, being able to express yourself and express your body is truly a gateway to finding your way through better sexual health, sexual freedom, like, oh my goodness,

I just think it's like, like to my point about my, but like I go downstairs every day, right now we stand in my in-laws house, they don't live there. But before my kids get up, I go down, I do my shake and all my supplements and my pills and all the stuff that I take in the morning. And I always take a video for my supplements and my pills and all the stuff that I've taken a morning. And I always take a video for my husband and then I get to the gym later and then I send

him a video. And so it's like this really cool thing of like for me or hopefully you out there to one team to show your body, once you get to that point because once you have that confidence, then it's going to lead to better sexual health. It's going to lead you if you have a partner to want to share more of your body with them, even if it's through media and setting up some encounters later on. So it's like all of these things.

So me and my husband, I'll tell you all those stories. Oh Emily, you better come close to that camera girl. So my husband and I, this kind of all goes into the body thing knowing how I felt before with my body and then it led to, I set up a photo shoot for me and my husband. I was like, okay, we're gonna do this photo shoot. Don't think I'm crazy because I'm always the one that, you know, has some ridiculous experience. So I'm like, we're going to do this photo shoot. I really trust this photographer. He was recommended to me by whatever. And we had a photo shoot, we were full on intimate. It wasn't video. It was all photo. Like, but we went through the hole

from start to finish. And the photographer was like, you know, I want you guys to look at each other, like talk to each other. Then it was a kissing and then making out and everything else, I'll, you know, let your imagination flow. And the reason why I wanted to do that is because we're building a new home, it's almost ready. So without what I wanted to do in our bedroom, I have like, I have the lights preset for photos that are going to go around our room. And so, they're going gonna be two-sided frames. One-sided frame is just gonna be just us together, like, you know, this nice photos.

The other side of frame is gonna be photos from that photo shoot where you flip them over. Don't worry, my kids won't be able to reach them. I love it. It's gonna be like, I just set when it comes down to like the time the two of you, it's gonna flip. So, the goal is, at night night if one person wants to feel intimate, you go in and you flip it around so when the other person comes in a room. Now, it might not be a full-on sex but you're basically

telling that person, hey, I want to be intimate tonight and you know, then you can discuss like, oh, I'm tired but I'll pleasure, or how about we introduce this toy. I think we probably got like five boxes of toys that we haven't used before. So it's just a way, because I'm stimulated by media, which is why I thought about that, which is why I'm so happy I'm talking to you. But another idea that someone gave me before

is they would just have a little glass on their, like, Euro, a dresser, whatever, or a nightstand or whatever, and they would have another little closed box of marbles. And depending on how many marbles they put into the glass is what they wanted. Maybe they wanted to just have an into the conversation, maybe they wanted to have oral sex, maybe they wanted to have a full-on sexual offense. Maybe they wanted to, it was telling them to go out on a date. And the reason why I wanted to tell that

and answering your question about being sexual with your body is like for me to be able to take those photos with them, have somebody there was like kind of a full-circle moment. That is so innovative. First of all, I mean, thank you so much for sharing that. That is such a beautiful story because I just think that anything that couples can do, like I like to think about like a rousal hacks or ways that couples can communicate a lot better.

But that pictures are flipped around or the marbles out of the jar. I have some friends who just like know like when the light by her night stand is off or he is, you know, whoever's light that are off, it shows that they want to have sex. They don't want to have sex. Let's, you know, we don't see these words to communicate, right? There's other ways and it's fun, it becomes like a game. Like I want to do the photoshoot, like it's such a beautiful idea. And you are around, but you're also so treated yourself.

What I love, Sean, is that you said you're roused by media. Now, if you're on media in your room, like you really are creating a life that is so supportive of nurturing your relationship and your family life. It's just really healthy. Thank you. I do want to share one other thing. Yeah. You probably forget what you said about, is it your boyfriend or your husband? My boyfriend. Yeah. Your boyfriend. Where your boyfriend pulled off an massage table. So we have two types of massage tables. But anyway, so the second one,

but we, so I used to do this thing, I call my, we call it, you know, my husband call each other Bay Ball. That's our nickname, it's crazy. It doesn't matter why, but we call each other Bay Balls. And so there would be points before where it wouldn't be like a law on our sexual, but we wanted to create something more fun.

So we would create something called the Bay Ball Spa. Since before we had kids, he would come to the house and he would see a robe on the vanister. And if he came in the house and saw a robe on the vanister, he knew to grab stairs and take a shower. And then I would create this spa downstairs. And I would have my media on the big screen TV. I would have the massage table out.

He would come down, I would have my media on the big screen TV. I would have the massage table out. He would come down. I would have a drink. He would simply talk about media. I would agree with talk about some sort of fantasy or something. And then it would, you know, so I don't know. I just really like creating an experience that I found out too many people are like, oh, we don't have sex anymore. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I did so many fun things to do.

So many fun things to do. So many fun things to do fantasy role play, right? And so you, is that kind of your role in it that you kind of bring up the fantasy part or like I'm picturing this happening or that happening? Or is that, yeah? I am definitely the one that is like, I'm the one. I'm the one. And the first one, I started bringing up things

like he would be like, oh my gosh, like are we supposed to do that? And I'm like, who makes the rules for our relationship? I'm like, we make the rule. And then once we started doing it, I mean, our sex life is so fun. And I truly believe while I know you have to love your partner, you have to, you definitely respect them. I know people grow apart for many different reasons, but I do believe that sex can be one of those grew points in your relationship,

because that intimacy, that conversation, that communication that happens through sexual activity, it creates another thing that it really creates in your sex life is you kind of get over those insecurities about, I know a lot of people are jealous, right? It's like, oh, well, you looked at that girl, you looked at that guy. I'm, I find it hot. One, when somebody looked at stuff and I definitely find it hot, he's telling me that he thinks somebody else is attractive because our sex life is so good. I know I can make him climax. I know we have that. I'm not intimidated by him thinking that somebody else is, you know, attractive. I'm just not.

I'm like, what would you do with that person? You know, like, I'm more like, you know, that's hard. Right. Exactly. That is a process. I totally, God, I wish more people could be in this place. I share this with you that I think it's really hard to talk about it with the partner and I think you have to be in a relationship with someone that you trust and that you're committed and you know that they're coming home to me

and that's fuel for the yeah like talking about it in the bedroom being like that's so hot when you saw that girl and it's all hot but it's such a process I think of it's not for every relationship because again if jealous is a big partner relationship in your partner that's not going to be the dynamic but you guys have again you make's not for every relationship, because again, if jealous, he's a big partner relationship in your partner, that's not gonna be the dynamic, but you guys have, again, you make the rules for your relationship, which I love, and which we all do. We all make the rules for our relationship.

I always tell people, there's no sex police that are gonna come knock it on your door, and be like, oh, you weren't supposed to do that. That doesn't happen, right? So we get to decide, but it is true that there's so much water out there that the thing that, you know, when we say that sex gets decide, but it is true that there's so much fodder out there that the thing that you know, when we say that sex gets boring and it couples up for such a challenge,

usually it's because there's no nothing, there's no novelty, there's no spontaneity, not trying anything new, it's like the same old thing. So to always be able to create a new experience by using the media or telling a story or giving a massage is just, that's the fodder that I think a lot or giving a massage is just that's the fodder that I think a lot of couples need, you know, and the great communication to surround that. Yeah, I mean, I'm going to say too. I definitely don't feel like it's for everybody, like everything we're talking about. It's not like your relationship. You might be completely like,

this is what we like and we like a date night, we like to go out to the laundry, like I'm like, cool. If that's working for you, absolutely amazing. I just want to be able to open people's minds to the fact that Just exploring new way sometimes we get into things. I'm like I'm into that you know to me like I was like I was not into that or he and he was a repo for like We're never doing that again That's how it should be It's like a play by play after. You get in the shower after, like, what do you think about that?

That's exactly what happened. That's what we do. I'm like, that wasn't, he's like, so what do you think when I said that, I'm like, that wasn't the hottest part, but I love the part before that. And we break it down, like a sports match or something. That's so funny. I'm like, when you choke me, I'll go into that. The one time you choke me.

Let me just have a minute. But like, you were pretty good, but the thumb was a little bit further over. My trachea, I kind of was going to get there. That was great. But the choke before that, a lot hotter than way out. That was a good one. And then you always just think, talk about an iterative bond. Like, this is how the sex life could be.

I love that you're illustrating this because I think we're so in our heads about sex, and most people aren't that comfortable talking about it, which is why I love that you're illustrating this because I think we're so in our heads about sex and most people aren't that comfortable talking about it, which is why I love that you're sharing this real-time experience, which is available for everybody. Even if you're talking about how great the whatever the sex that you always have is just start to talk about it, communicate about it. Yeah, because I think that even if you do end up being, this is our physical action a lot, just talking about something different and having a conversation if that's your a rile or runway, if you will.

It can just really get to Jesus flowing, like literally. Exactly. The rile is a runway, that shows all about like how we get turned on, because it's not just going to like hit you over the head anymore, like you did the first two months of the relationship, which is super inspirational.

Okay, I love this. I talk a lot as an educator, we're both educators here, but a sex educator, I didn't have a lot of great sex that I don't know about you, but it was all fear based. Like don't get pregnant, don't get an STD, don't have sex. What do you think that is important for young people? You're talking to your kids about what do we think we need to understand more about sex and sexuality right now? I think kind of questions you asked me before,

which is really finding a healthy relationship with your body. That is the foundation, because once you have a healthy relationship with your body, you start to respect your body, you start to know what your body wants. You really start to know what you're attracted to. You really start to know whether you,

you're not a pleaser and pleasure yourself. Then you get to going into, once you have that foundation, then if you get a partner, you kinda have that confidence already set. Of course, there's like, oh my gosh, is this person attracted to me or did they find a company hot? There's always going to be a little bit of that. But at least you have a foundation and you'll be able to let them

explore with you if you will. That's so good. You know, I just think that like just having that foundation is just, is key. But I think when it comes to younger people, like having that respect for yourself in some ways can eliminate the fear because you're like, well, when, of course, we learn about S.E.D.s, but I don't want that. But you know what, you might get to a situation under plenty of people that had to run to the clinic, you know, and I also believe that the reality is, and most people don't talk about this as they talk about like, oh, don't get an SCD. The reality is if you're a super sexual and you don't use protection or you trust somebody and the reality is, you might have to run to the clinic.

And I just called it the clinic. That's when we used to call it when I was younger. And it's a part of the sex. It's the part of the sex life. But you decided to do this action, but the respect factor will help you get to a point where you can eliminate that things. Or like really be able to talk to someone

you're gonna be intimate with and decide when being unprotected is gonna be best for you. It's like there's so many different levels and layers to you being able to communicate with a person to kind of eliminate what people have put out there to be fearful. But I do believe it starts with knowing your body, respecting your body, loving your body, being able to pleasure yourself, and then when someone else comes into the mix, really

helping them understand you. Because here's the thing. If you're going to be intimate with somebody and you ask them a lot of questions and you ask them a question about respecting, asking questions about what they're into, use you to person that usually unless they're like a psychopath, use you to person that wants to answer these questions and really dive in and not be afraid that a person is going to respect your body the most. If they're just like, why are you asking all these questions? Like, let's just get it in. Then you're kind of like, hmm, well, maybe that's not somebody I really want to be with.

That's how I feel the foundation of what we need to teach people. That is such great advice. It's so true. Let's teach you how to respect each other. Let's teach out the conversations about sex without the fear. And I love what you're saying is the partner that's asking all the questions is probably the one that you want to be with. You know, I believe that. So that is such great advice. Thank you for that. Sean T, you're awesome. Thank you so much for all of your advice here. And then talking to you about all of this, I want to ask you the cookie questions. We ask each guest the five

cookie questions. Ready? You're going to ask me anything you want. I know that now. I feel like I want to mix them up for you, but these are the same questions, ready? What's your biggest turn on? Oh, can I be really honest on the party? Yes, it's sexy, then. My biggest, my biggest, biggest turn on is like, I'm a warrior, like

scenes got with someone else. That is like real life media because I find them to be so incredibly attractive that a lot of times we're like this and sometimes being able to watch like this, I'm like, a meant, I best find not to be saying to that but I love it. I get that. That's hot. Biggest turn off. Oh, hygiene, bad hygiene. And honestly, my second biggest turn on and my second biggest turn off is like, when someone's not caught, like I feel like if you're in a beauty with some iodine, if you're a really nice person, I'm super, super turned on, which is why I think I really, I wonder if you got fell in love with God. I'm super turned on, but if

you're just like cocky and not I'm like it's an immediate turn off immediate. Yeah, I got you. What makes good sex? Oh my gosh, I think what makes good sex for me is having control and being able to slow everything down whether it's kissing, whether it's oral, whether it's intercourse, whether it's watching something, like the slower you go, the longer it can last, and the more, I just feel like, if someone's like rushing, I tell Scott, I call people Jack rap.

I'm like, you're a Jack rap, you just wanna rush through everything. I'm like, this is boring, you know, slow down. Like, let's enjoy the more. You know what I'm like, you know, Jack rap is, you just want to rush through everything. I'm like, this is boring. You know, Slow down like let's enjoy the more you know, I'm saying. Oh my god. We're so honestly. We are like seriously very very similar It's exactly it. I go with say my best sex of my school five times slower like slow down Todd right Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships It's going to be okay. I think like just telling myself younger like it's going to be okay. You don't have to stress through the experience. Kind of just let go and have a

good ass time. I want to tell myself that today. I think we can tell you that every day too, right? Okay. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? I wish that everyone knew their most heightened way to orgasm is. And the reason why, I love how you giggle, giggle, giggle, giggle. The reason why is because if you can tell your spouse The reason why is because if you can tell your spouse how you like the climax or if you know how to make it, I mean, it is, I'm telling you.

Like, because some people are like, oh, I came or I didn't come or like, oh my gosh, and I'm like, wait a minute. Find out the way you know how to climax the best like tried 18,000 different ways but when you get to that one way you are gonna be like oh my goodness Oh my god Sex with Sean is this show. I'm just Sean and Emily. This is amazing. Oh, you are awesome. You are so talented and sexually motivational not just in your industry. Amazing.

Thank you so much, Sean, for being here. What's going on with you? Where can people find you? What are you excited about? I know you've had some changes. Well, first of all, before I say that, I want to say thank you because there's so many people afraid of this conversation,

and I just can't wait to drive people to your podcast and be like, hey guys, I'll have to scroll into a lot of people who listen to me and Scott on our One Night Podcast because, or our One Night Live shows, because they were fearful of it, and it helped break down some of those fears, and I just want to send people to you because I just love the way you really coach people

through it and teach people through it, so that's really amazing. So what do we have coming up? Well, we will be starting our wine nights up and a couple of months we're moving to our new house. I'm really excited about that. So just follow me on Instagram or one of my social media pages at Sean C and that will follow you there.

But in the meantime, also I would love for people to listen to my podcast, Trust in the Leave work. You really kind of get why I am the way that I am and how I've spoken to Emily today because I feel like so many people have so many barriers and on my podcast, Trust in the Leave, I really just help you break down any barrier that's holding you back from being 100% authentic to who you are. Trust in Believe is shanty. I love it.

You know, we're both with the ACAST network and they like introduces here, which I love. And it's such a great podcast and you're doing such important work. And it is like you just drop in with your guests and you're just so real honest. So I just knew we'd have a great conversation. So we'll find you in all those places.

Thank you for your time. I appreciate you so much. That's it for today's episode. See you on Friday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review where ever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook

and Twitter at Sex with Emily. Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559 825 5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Special thanks to ACAST for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemily.com.

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