Sex With Emily - Sex Noises, Swipe Apps, and Bisexuality

Episode Date: December 24, 2016

To online date or not to online date? For the select few of you that have been living under a rock for the past decade, that is the question. On this show, Emily puts the dating app taboo to bed, giving you a few pointers to help you get lucky online, and updating us on her own cyber-romance encounters. Then she’s on the hotline taking your calls! Wondering how to be more vocal in bed? Need help navigating the waters of bisexuality with a new FWB? And what’s the secret to being more approachable in the dating scene? Emily’s got answers, and so much more! So whether you’re looking to get loud or get lucky, this podcast will show you the way. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and answering your questions. Wondering how to get the most out of your bisexual explorations? What's the secret to coming off more approachable to the opposite sex? How do you stop distractions from getting in the way of your climax? Plus some of my hottest tips for getting loud in the bedroom. All this and more, thanks for listening. Alright people, it's time to introduce you to something that combines two of my favorite

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So, if you're ready to be dessert, order some gelato for yourself at sexwithenley.com today. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard, oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink?

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Read the blogs, check them out. You'll like it. So thanks everyone. I appreciate your support of the show. So this is what of several call-in shows we've done now because you know we are now taking your calls. All you got to do is when you email me as you normally do, you just go to the Ask Emily tab on the website, you just send your question in, so easy. But now you can say yes, I'd like to be called. And then amazing assistant producer Eddie will call you and set it up, which is fun.

So we're doing that. And you might notice I also don't have cost. So I'm just talking to you, like just like one on one. We're hanging out here. So it's a whole new format, it's a whole new thing. And let me know, let me know how you like the show. And I can't wait to hear from you and talk to you. It's really fun for me actually to get to talk to you.

Because then we can get into it. We can get into your questions. We can dissect it. We can help you. Help others. Super fun time. Okay, so I've been telling you lately a few weeks ago I told you about how I took some time off from dating and how it's been really healthy for me. Now I'm kind of back out there again. So now I've been doing the dating apps. So you don't have to. No, so you actually do have to because I'm gonna tell you what to do and what not to do. So you guys are always asking me about

which apps should I try or is Tinder really a hook-up app or like do I really need a date online or maybe you still even think that there's a stigma with online dating, which I seriously think went the way of the like DVD or something. Like I can't remember the last time, anyone's like, oh my God, you made online.

It's kind of like a thing. It's kind of like telling me that you really want to lose weight and you've done everything. You change your diet, you're like, you know, talking to your friends about you have a support group, but you're not going to the gym. It's like, well, your diet, you're like, you know, talking to your friends about you have a support group, but you're not going to the gym. It's like, well, why aren't you working out, you know? So if you're telling me that you're single and you're really ready to meet somebody,

but you just think online dating is wrong, it's a hook up app. You don't want to say that you met your partner online. Well, guess what? You're wrong. And you're missing out at another opportunity and another way to meet people. So you don't have to spend time alone being bumped out about it because yes,

there's the real world. It still exists. Many, many people meet in the real world and that's perhaps how you're gonna meet the next person. That's great. But why not increase your odds when you could be sitting in your couch at home and being in contact with like 8,000 potential people

that you could, you know, you go on date with? So I say it just increases your odds. These are just rules that you're making to keep yourself away from dating, I think, or dating a line. I can't tell you which app is ready for you because it's kind of like you're like people who say like what I lived in San Francisco now they're like where what neighborhood should

I stay in? I'm like well I don't know are you like a hipster? Do you like do you want to stay in the mission? Do you want to like be in Pacific Heights withers you know you can walk around and there's lots of trees. Do you like being by the water? You'll apps are the same where which bars do you like? I can't this with the, it's personality type.

So I'm gonna tell you about them and then, you know, you can see what resonates for you or try them all and see what you like. Okay, so I really do look for a good first message. So, and by good first message, we do just say like you're hot and don't just say hi, how is your Tuesday? And you know, but I'm not saying you have to write me poetry either.

Just show that you read the profile. Or like there's something in my picture that interests you. Like it's not hard. Like it's not rocket science, but that's going to make you stand out from all the other people swiping on the photo, or who's matched with the person, okay? So, yeah, first message, you base it on something in their profile. But, so, I went up, so, Bumble is the one that women, you still do the swiping in the matching.

If you match with someone, women have to send the first message. And, I have never, I've never really done that. I've never asked anyone out, which again, this is something new that I'm trying this year in life, just because I just never did. Doesn't mean I've got my gents, it just, I don't know why I never did, never came up.

But now I was like, holy shit, I matched, I got a message, I'm so used to guys. So I was nervous, I was like, wait, what do I say? And then I thought, wait a minute, I know this. I know what's worked for me. I know the guys I liked on Tinder or whatever. So I actually am really enjoying it right now. So I was going to read you. I was excited about some of this, some of my messages,

and how it all went down. So some ideas of a good first message, okay? Oh, here's my first message tips before I get into it. This is what I also wanna tell you. Okay, don't get too personal too quickly, okay? So don't get too like, hey, you're beautiful. I wanna come over and like, you know, suck my dick or something or like,

like just don't get too crude, okay? Save the nicknames. I don't want to like, hey babe, like don't premature cyber fact too crude, okay? Save the nicknames. I don't want to be like, hey babe, don't premature cyber-fect me, okay? I had this happen the other night. It was so annoying on this app that I'm on, called the League, which I will get to in a minute. They say it's an exclusive app that you have to submit.

You can check it out, wherever. I don't know, it's very new in LA. I think it's in New York, San Francisco. So this guy, like within the first second, he was like, what was it? I was like, he was like, I love, and then he was within three, and I was flirting back at first,

because I think it's funny to plan a play around. But then he was like, hold on, I'm gonna give you examples of what not to do here. So he was like, you've great hair. That was his first message to me. I like that, okay? He wasn't like, how's your Tuesday? He was like, you've great hair.

Oh, yo, you have killer hair. He said, you've killer hair. I spend time in my hair. I said, I like a guy that knew I said, complimenting a girl's hair will get you everywhere. And I said, or shoes, shoes work sometimes, hair all the time. So what did you copy right today? Because that's his collaborator.

And he said, I wrote a commercial for Toyota. And he goes, and I love a woman in boots. And I said, well, that's all I wear. Sometimes pants. I admit that I did make say that. And then he said, well, where are the boots on our honeymoon? Okay. This is like literally two minutes of texting. And I said, okay, so I did, okay, so first I'm getting like, okay, wait, this isn't even, he's prematurely, this has been one minute of texting, right?

So I admit, I was like, okay, darling, I'll pack a suitcase of boots, maybe a toothbrush. And he said, then he wrote, love you, okay? Now, great, this isn't the exclusive app where you actually have to be like, that is a good item, like, what is this guy's a drunk? And then he wrote something else, like someone should write a commercial for us or something, and I said, I vote you,

because he writes commercials, he goes, thanks wife. And then I said, so what else do you got here? What else I say? I said, what else do you have in your, I said, so what else you got for me? And he's like, what do you mean? I'm like, well, in your range here, we've already done this premature side of reflection,

like, what's in your range? And then I didn't hear from him. And then he dropped off. So then he came back around and he was like, the next morning he was like, hi, he used my first name a hundred days. So I don't know if he was drunk. I don't know what was wrong with it.

What I'm saying is it was annoying. It was a little too flirty. Yes, I can flirt like the best of them, but then it was like he escalated too quickly and I found that annoying. So that's my guy. And don't be maturely baby. Don't do that when you first start dating either. Hey babe, I'm here. I'm like,

we don't even, you've never seen me. You're calling me babe. Okay. Show that you read the profile. Again, that comes to the message like you read something. You don't have a generic cut and paste message. And also now this tries to be insane. And if you both get off on this, and it works for your match, you could do this. But why the hell would you text back and forth for longer than like, oh, I don't know a day or two? Because do you know that first of all,

texting someone hours go by. You're a text someone that you're really into, like when you first start dating, and you look up, you're like, oh, my God, four hours of go. I could have gone over there and like, I had sex with them. So, texting takes a lot of our energy. If you think that you like someone and you wanna lock it down,

a lot of times they'll be like, let's get a drink. Here's a new step I'm gonna tell you. Set up a FaceTime call. Because I've even done the phone call for a summer call. Well, let's talk. And I once had a half hour call with a guy that I thought seemed really great.

And like, two minutes after walking into a coffee date, I knew that I had to get out of there as quickly as possible. Like, I really was like, well, how quick can I leave? Because I'm a nice person. I'm like, how quickly can I leave? So it's not too rude. And I think I got out of there in like 56 minutes. He just did something awkward.

Like, grabbed my hand and was like, it was uncomfortable. It doesn't matter what he did. Don't all freak out that you're going to be this guy, because believe me, you're not. So do a FaceTime vetting call as soon as you can. If you're interested in that, or just do a regular call, get off text and meet that. Because why waste your life texting somebody

who's gonna, I can never get the hour back that I drove to Santa Monica and saw this guy that was a terrible date, and then the half hour of the phone, like life's too short, okay? So those are my tips for your first messages and online dating. So I was gonna read you some, here's some first messages, okay.

That's one guy, and again, this is gonna take a lot of work you're like, well I'm not funny, I'm not whatever. It doesn't matter, you guys, here's what I did here, okay? Two seconds, and I was like you, I was a little nervous, okay? I was like, oh, I don't know what to say. Then it's like anything, it's practice. His message, his profile said,

I don't, okay, guys are always talking about how tall they are, apparently women really care, but anyway, this keeps coming up. I know that some women care, but, okay, he said, I am tall. I don't drink as much as my photo show. Did I say that I'm tall? I've written a bunch of books too.

So while I was doing it, I was saying, hey, quick question, are you tall? Like, that's not that I read his profile. And he's like, how dare you ask me a personal question? And then we had a funny band that were going, okay? That's all I did. It wasn't like, you're beautiful. It was like, I read one word in it, okay?

So here's another one. I don't like, you're beautiful. It was like, I read one word in it, okay? So here's another one. I don't know. He was always moving in his photos. He was like a motorcycle. He was flying, doing stuff. I said, it doesn't appear that anything slows you down. So you have a very congruent profile. I like that in a man, okay?

It congruent because he wrote something in there about moving in his pictures, we're all moving. So that's it. He's like, excellent. He's so okay, I'm really, so I'm just saying, I can go on non-non, just don't make it too hard. Don't be stressed out about this. Have fun with it.

I like bumble for women because you're not getting all these guys who are just swiping right. You can actually be more selective. But, and for the men, men seem to like it too. Oh, one more thing I have to say, match.com not dead. I think that everyone's like, well, I don't wanna do any of that. I know, I have several, everyone's like, well, I don't want to do any of that. I know I have several, it's like a resurgence, right?

It's like several friends of mine, all different ages are like, you know what? I'm doing match because I like having more in debt going in debt than the profile. I like that there's that you have to pay for it. And they found some great dates. So again, I can't tell you, you know, and also plenty of fish people like, they like coffee meets bagel, but I haven't tried those yet, but just have some fun with it.

Just pick one, not a big deal, few pictures, and go for it. And let me know how it goes. With that said, okay, I'm gonna take a quick break, give a shout out to our sponsors. Thank you everybody for supporting the show, keeping it free, supporting our loyal sponsors. I'll be right back. I know a lot of you may have accumulated a sex toy over the holidays, which is the best

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or go to UVclean.com. That's UVEEclean.com. The Kickstarter campaign is now up and running and waiting for you. Okay, now we're gonna take your calls, you guys. So fun, as I said, you can just go to the website, click on the Ask Emily tab, go to sexcelamy.com. Send your question, and if you'd like to talk to me,

in real time, I'm here for you. Okay, we're gonna take our first call. Okay, hey your question and if you'd like to talk to me in real time, I'm here for you. Okay, we're going to take our first call. Okay, hey Kate, how are you? So I've got all of that. So you want to get loud in bed. But yes, basically that. Okay, talk to me. Tell me what's going on.

What's the story? Okay, so the guy and I that I've been seeing and we've been dating for a while, he commented like one more intimate that I'm not very Expressive or loud that I'm who's like you're one of the quietest girls I've ever been with and I'll say oh well Like I'm having fun. I really enjoy it But so how like the question is how would you want to get louder? So that way he knows like yeah I really like that and I'm really enjoying this intimate time with you and stuff like that. Okay.

So get louder. Okay, so how does it, he means like, because he's not getting feedback. No, it's just a guy that you've been with for a while. You said your boy. Yeah, probably two months old, new relationship. Okay.

But I mean, he's saying like, he wants you more like moaning and like, oh baby, this is so good, like that kind of thing. Yeah, that's like, yeah, something so that he knows that he's doing something that I like, rather, than he's just kind of going down their plane and like, I'm like, okay, whatever.

What you can understand? Because he's nervous, guys, like, God, they're so mean, I'm telling you, Kate, like my whole life is like emails from men. I love it, they're like I'm so nervous. Am I doing the right thing? You know, like how do I know what to do? And I'm like, you know, we and then women, we went to mine readers and figure their bodies out. So he just needs some verbal fee. He needs to know that he's doing a good job. And what I often tell guys is follow her body language like this or breath quickening as she responding to you? So he just feels like he needs a little bit more cues from you. So you got this. So is it more like, so what happens when you're turned on? Do you feel like you just feels uncomfortable to make

noise? I get you having in the past. But yeah, yeah, it's kind of uncomfortable, kind of like, um, some of it, some of it is, yeah, like it, because it's kind of like a vulnerable situation to play yourself. You're a monkey or with this guy or your intimate and it is in relationship. And then, but some of it is like, I don't always, I'm so enjoying the moment, like I kind of forget about everything else. And then, like, that's something feels good. And then, like, you might move a little bit and then I'm like, oh, wait, that doesn't feel good. And so like, when I would make a noise, like, that's, it's always seen like, that was right as he was switching.

I was like, oh, wait, no, I don't want to continue that behavior. I'm not the other way. Oh, I totally get it. So it's like, he's getting the negative reinforcement. And he's like, he needs more positive. But you're not doing a purpose, because I love that you're in the moment.

And you're having, so you're enjoying it. It's good sex. And you're having, you're having pleasure and orgasms and stuff, right? Yeah, yeah totally and like and I'm not like super shy in front of him and as we're like Having more and more sex together like I'm opening up more and more than like okay I'm really trying babe and like and it's nice that he's encouraging you like I Would like to hear this because you know that's because of my ex or the guy I was getting before him, he was very quiet. And I think that made me very quiet.

I see this is how we learn. We learn like, well, I can't make any noise. If he's not making noise, I love this. Okay, this is great. I love that he's being communicative to you and telling you what he needs. And so, so I think that maybe when you masturbate, yeah, okay, perfect. when you masturbate, yeah.

Okay, perfect, good, right answer. I think just what I'm practicing, like, because, you know, I don't think like, as you're 20 years old, man, how many partners do you have? But it's a kind of like a learned thing, because our bodies, I think, as we naturally want to make noises,

and I think at some point, it's because we're masturbating in our parents' houses, or we're afraid, like the guy's gonna think it's weird we're masturbating in our parents' houses, or we're afraid like the guy's gonna think it's weird or we've got roommates in the dorm or whatever it is we don't we like learn to be quiet. But if you naturally pay attention to your own body rhythm, like it really feels good actually to make some noises into mones. So I think when you're masturbating next time, just kind of start to see like what would

I like, I'm gonna mone a little like I'm I, like, I'm going to mow in a little, like, I'm going to breathe heavy. I'm just going to see how this feels. And then you could practice by yourself. So you're not doing it. Just with him. And then it'll become part of your repertoire. You know, do you have roommates?

Are you comfortable doing that? Or do you have time alone that you could do it? Nope, I live alone, which is, and he lives alone. So it's like a really nice, and it's perfect. Oh my god, I'm really worried about being quiet. This is perfect. Nope, I live alone, and heal alone. So it's like a really nice, you never really have to worry about being quiet. This is perfect. Be perfect. Because also, I mean, I feel like I've gotten ladders,

I've got old two because I really, I actually enjoy it, like, like making noise sometimes in for a lot of women, the more noise you make, it actually brings you to orgasm, like faster or it can just, and it definitely does turn, then it turns guys on too to so it's like this feedback loop, right? So he's feeling like you're getting turned out and he's

like, oh my God, that's so hot. And so he's not necessarily expecting you to say there's nothing no right thing like. I don't know if you're thinking, oh, he wants me to sound like a porn star. I don't want to sound like a point. You know, is there

any of those messages going through your head? No, no, he's just very like I just he wants like a little bit, you know head? No, no, he's just very like, I just, he wants like a little bit, you know, and nothing, yeah, nothing like. Okay, good. I need like huge sturdy talk or anything. Perfect.

So just, I would say masturbate. This will be fun excitement when you're, just pay attention to your body and like practice moaning. Like, because I really think it's like right there and we that we evolve or pressed it. But I think that like, it's more of a natural reaction to make noise and that we evolved or pressed it, but I think that like it's more of a natural reaction to make noise that we learn not to. So I think it's just right at the tip there,

and then you'll have it down. Okay, fun. Good, this is gonna be a fun homework assignment. Just go masterbable. Very fun. Okay, good. Okay, thanks for calling Kate. So awesome to talk to you.

Thank you so much. Yeah, it's fun, thank you. Go make some noise, we'll talk to you. Thank you so much. Yeah, it's fun. Thank you. Go make some noise. Talk to you. Keep it posted. We'll go. Bye. I seriously like what everyone to call me back and let me

not go. It's like I just do. Like I now I'm like, oh my god, is she going to moan? And then like next time, is he going to freak out? But the noise thing is funny. I think I don't think I was always as loud. I think over time I realized, God God it really does feel good. I like when men make noise. I've talked about this in the show. When I'm with a guy who makes zero

noise, I'm like, is he dead? Is he breathing? What's going on? Are you enjoying yourself? You just, but not to bash anybody, men or women, we get, we masturbate a certain way, we're raising homes where we told we can't make noise. You're, you know, me her last boyfriend did make, here what it is, we get set in these routines, but I think it feels really good. Like it's like this gutterall, like for me, it's like part of orgasm, you know, like I just, I didn't think about it, it just happened. So I love this. Okay, our next call we have Jill, 38 from Wisconsin, and she's a bicarious mom seeking sexual playmate

So Jill suck it second base with your sexually inexperienced playmate, but you want more Should you stick around or find someone new so tell me what's going on Jill? Hi Thanks for calling in hi Hi, oh my god, this is so fun. I know so excited too. Oh my god. This is so fun. I know you've been emailing us. There's a lot going on. We got to break it down. I'm excited to help you with this.

Tell me everything. Okay. Let's start. So here is what happened. Okay, go. Okay. So about four months ago, I sat down with my husband and just kind of vented and let it all out that I've kind of always been attracted to women.

And based on how I was raised and my Christian background, I didn't, I hit it. I didn't really even know it was there. But what I did know, I felt like was wrong or whatever. So I grew up, met a lot of my life, who's a man, coincidentally. So I have this ideal, like perfect family. I've got two twin boys who are four. I've got this amazing husband. But I always felt like something was missing.

So this far into my life, it's kind of weird I know to kind of have this identity crisis. But I realized I am bisexual and I am who I am and I love who I love. And it's me. But I decided that I wanted and it's me. But I decided that I wanted to kind of do this and look and see what my options were. So I did a little bit of like, kinder, whatever.

It was okay. I met someone and we were going to meet and her kids were sick. My kids were sick. It just didn't work. So that kind of felt by the wayside. But we have right next door, like literally next door. OK. OK.

And is a friend of mine. And we've gotten to be friends because she has a son who is also four, say with my boys. So they're all little playmates. Hey, nap at the same time. Perfect. Right. Exactly, exactly.

So anyway, we had gotten to know each other a little bit better and I opened up a little bit about who I am and she straight up asked me one day if I was by and I was still caught off guard. And I was like, actually, yes, I am. And it never really came up again after that. And I was like, okay, well, she knows that part of me. I don't have to pretend. So anyway, so I ended up telling you about this girl that I met on Tinder and how we were going to meet and have dinner

and just see if we could even be friends while alone have a sexual attraction. And she persisted on, I mean, she didn't want me to do it. And I didn't really understand why. And. Out in saying it, she would just say things like, I sure this is a good idea. Are you sure your husband's on board? And that's the thing that has always come down to for me is. My husband has to be on board 100%. And he is.

And he's. That's great. It's incredibly supportive. Yeah. So he is. And you guys still have sex. You've sex with your husband still and it's good. Oh my gosh, it's phenomenal. It's better now, I think. Wow, okay good. I'm so glad to see you.

Yeah, okay, got it, that's good. Okay, so she was discouraging you. Cause she wanted some jail ask. This is pretty easy, okay. Yes, right. So that's kind of what I was thinking. I was like, okay, what is going on here? Like, why, why am I getting this weird vibe from her? And if she hasn't, is she just telling me? And so she finally came to me and we had had a few too many. And she said, I'm not crazy about you meeting this person. And I think that maybe you and I should try to pursue some kind of sexual relationship.

Okay. And I've been physically attracted to her since she moved in about a year ago. Just kind of secretly or whatever, like my husband, I just kind of giggle about it sometimes. And she's become a friend of mine. And so now we're into this friends with benefits scenario. And I know I have my cake and I'm eating it too,

but it's kind of awesome. Great. Love it. And yeah, and so my issue is, so I was so surprised first and foremost that she even offered this because she is very exceptionally inexperienced as scenes like it has a negative connotation. I don't mean it like that.

I just mean that she's never even considered being with another woman before. So you were the catalyst. She had never even thought about it. Yeah. Okay. She had never even thought about it. And so now I'm in this situation where it's really fun and all, but I I want to explore all of it. I want to learn everything. Of course, she's not going to be a

teacher, but it's fun making out with her, but it's not going to go. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it's not going anywhere. Okay, she doesn't, she doesn't let me go down on her. I mean, it's really my, She doesn't let me go down on her. I mean, it's really my, she'll do whatever to me, but I can't reciprocate. And she's convinced that orgasms just don't feel good for her, they never have, they never will, and why you bother even trying. But I wanna try and I wanna find out all of the,

absolutely, I just wanna learn. So, and you should. So what's holding you back? You guys aren't in a relationship. Does she think that you guys are not seeing any other women, even though you're married and exploring? Right.

Well, no. And it's just that I haven't had another opportunity come up. It's like, it's not that I'm not open. Oh, got it. Hey, next time you're in town, Emily, you know, you never told me I've experienced I've had good time with it. So we so are you finding other dates right now? So because last email, we just, okay, we answered an email. I think you were about

to go on a date, but you said she canceled. So, so you like, you're curious about how to find other women right now? So, you're curious about how to find other women right now? Well, I'm just curious about how far do I push with this friend's benefits that I have. And when do I say, if you're not going to let me explore, if you're not going to explore with me, when do I say,

let's not do this anymore? Right. I don't know. I mean, do you know, let's not do this anymore. Right. And I don't know. I mean, do you really like her? Here's the thing. She's friends with benefits. I mean, do you want? It sounds like a lot of work.

You already have a husband. I mean, I'm saying like, I know, right? Yeah. It's like, okay, so now you're going to have a purge it over. Maybe she really doesn't like orgasm. Does she not orgasm with her husband? Does she not masturbate? No.

No. And that's the thing too. It's like, I tell her all the time. Like, you're not doing yourself any thing too. It's like I tell her all the time. Like you're not doing yourself any favor by, I don't, I don't get it. It's like the only sexual anything is with me. And it's like too much pressure, first of all. Right.

But she's only going down on you. So she's not even really getting it. And maybe she's getting turned on by going down on you. I'm, right. But she's not letting you. So I wonder if she on any meds, low libido pre-manopausal. Oh, yeah. Well, she's not pre-manopausal, but she had a baby about seven months ago.

Okay. So it's, I mean, hormones. Yeah, I know what it feels like after a few months after having a baby. Yeah. She's so insistent of on spend time with me. But as soon as I do anything with to her, it's like she stops it or. Do you think she's insecure about her, how she is down there?

Like she's not healed yet or she's just truly hurt to be. Maybe. Yeah, I don't think that she's. I don't know. And I have no problem talking with her about it. I mean, it's almost easier to talk with another girl. Right, because you're like a girlfriend, it's easy. But yeah, just be like, listen, this is really fun.

But like, I actually want her to reciprocate. Like, I hear from men all the time, or like, my girlfriend will let me go down. I'm like, I get it. You know, you're from women. So it makes total sense what you're feeling. And why wouldn't, you know, yeah, I mean, I, you could get into like trying to solve it

But you don't want to be the one like forcing her like you know pinning her down unless that she's into that kind of thing I Think the Maybe but like if she's really whatever she's going through now low the beadow Maybe she's depressed. Maybe she's a meds. She's embarrassed by whatever's going on down there right now Who knows but it's not really your job to fix it? I think like whatever is going on down there right now, who knows? But it's not really your job to fix it. I think like, So when do I give up and how do I continue to live next

or to her and not have it be awkward? Well, I think the good news is that you guys are already friends that you've already known each other for a while and she doesn't have to know that you're going out and doing other things either. Like don't I know women we like wanted to disclose everything. But I mean, you could just, you know, things have come, you've, you've, you've

really have enjoyed this, but you're just going to go out. I mean, is she kind of the kind of woman that wouldn't understand this? Like, I, you know, there's some like mean girls, like, I don't know what she's like, but I think you just got to be honest with her and say, this has been a good time. I really need to have a reciprocal, you know, relationship. I don't want to talk you into anything you don't want to do that doesn't feel comfortable for me. It feels like it's a consensual.

I understand I've been in phases of my life where I don't want sex, but since I'm in this really, as you, I'm sure as you can imagine, neighbor, my husband's even in this amazing opportunity right now to explore my sexuality in a way that I have not been able to for 38 years. So I'm going to go do that. I don't have a lot of free time. As you know, it got the kids, she should understand that. You know, women were so careful on caretaking of our friends, but like, hopefully she's still going to be your friend. And maybe she'll come around. Maybe you guys will keep making out. You'll be going out of the people and you come home and you guys will still like watching movie and cuddle. I don't know. But I don't think I think like you're trying to overthink it. Do the right thing. But really just be honest with

her and then just keep dating. Keep going out there on Tinder, swiping, do it. Yeah. Well, that's awesome. Yeah, okay. You're awesome. I love that you're doing this. Keep it posted.

Thing. Okay, things are calling. I love it. So it's a middle age adventure. Yeah, I love it. It's never too late. Good for you for realizing right now. I know you were saying,

I know it's weird. To me, this is not weird at now. I know you were saying, I know it's weird. I'm like, to me, this is not weird at all. I think it's great. I love that your husband's unbore. The whole thing is amazing. I appreciate that. I really appreciate that. You're doing the right things.

Thank you, I will. Thank you so much Emily. Thanks, have a good night. Bye bye. Thanks. You too. See, I remember this email because she was on the show and she emailed about going on her first date with a woman.

I didn't realize it was the same woman until we got this. And Anderson was like, she's probably cheating on her husband, the husband doesn't know. I'm like, let's assume that the husband knows. And I love that she, her husband's cool with it. This is great. And you know, it's never too late to figure out. I mean, we were never done growing and learning and expanding our sexual repertoire and exploring. So I like it. Okay, our next call, we got Haley, 26th of California, and she just wants to know how to be more approachable. Hi, Haley.

Hi, how are you? I'm good. So good to talk to you. Thank you for having me on. I appreciate it. Yeah. Let me tell you, give me a little background. What's going on? More approachable. What does that mean? What's going on for you? Okay, so I've been single for about two years now after five year relationship. I work a lot and I go to the gym a lot. So I was kind of hoping since I'm in a more active lifestyle that I would meet somebody at the gym. But in the last two years that I've been going to the gym, haven't met anybody. And I even tried going to different gyms,

tried to go to like crossfit gyms where it's smaller groups, where it's kind of a little bit easier to like meet and mingle a little bit. I've tried, you know, going to the bar and stuff like that. And I just don't like meeting people in that kind of environment. I want to actually meet somebody

where I can talk and have an actual connection and not just fake interactions with people. Right, okay. So I just, so what's happening? So you're working out a lot and you're at the gym. Are you, so you're saying you don't actually want to be people at the gym?

Are you trying to and it's not working? Yeah, I'm trying to, obviously I'm not interrupting people's work out, but like, you know, I see somebody's doing something. I'm like, oh, hey, how are you doing that? Can you show me? And then they'll show me and I'll just walk. I'm like, okay, never mind. Well, sometimes you know what? I think it's more like I can't feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like

I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like

I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I can't really feel like I feel like? I don't feel like I'm a flirt. I feel that you're not.

I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not.

I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not.

I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I feel that you're not. I lines. It's more like observing something that's going on. So let's say you're a crossfit and you're like, you're observing, you're like, God, is there usually this many people in this? If you without sounding cheesy, have you come here often?

But are there usually this many people in this class? I haven't noticed it. So you observe something. It's not like a yes or no question. Or that kind of is. I guess you could say, you know, just whatever, like this is weird, you know why there's so many people here today. And then you observe it and then they can help make a comment to something. And then you like, then you like ask a question. So, or like you state something on this, that's

how you build a conversation. So what I'm saying is you observe something, have them comment, you go back and forth and you start of conversation rather than a yes or no. So maybe just asking them to help you with positioning isn't enough to let them know. It's really just practicing the heart of conversation. Like you got to think of it like, and maybe you just practice with women as well. Like when you're out and about and there's women and you're talking to them, like it can just be anybody. Like it's really just a skill that we practice in a habit that we, when we're saying it's a skill

that we practice over time and it's a new habit like a habit that we develop. So do you feel? Yeah, my other problem is is I actually talk too much. Oh, okay. So you're like uncomfortable and then you talk, talk, talk. Like I just did over explaining. I talk uncomfortable when you talk, talk, talk. Like I just did over explaining. Talk, talk, talk, talk.

And then when I do get a guide to hang out with me for a while, it seems like they hang out with me for about a month, and we'll see each other maybe once or twice a week, and then after a month, they move on. And it'll be either ghosting where I don't hear anything from them again, or it'll be me or them saying, hey, you know, it's just not gonna work out. Most of time, it's on their end though. Okay. So, this is, have you been in a long, you're 26 years old, have you been in a long term

relationship before? All of my relationships have been long term. This is actually the first time that I've ever just dated. Oh, that's good though. That's healthy. I think it's good that's good. Yeah, no, you're figuring yourself out. I'm showing it. It's just lonely sometimes because I live by myself

and most of my friends are married and have kids. So I'm at that point where I'm getting ready where I want to spend time with somebody now. Right. Well, it sounds like I mean, really the best way to meet people oftentimes is through other friends. So, I get that you're saying that they're all married.

I can't, at 26, they're all married already? Kids? In small community that I live in. Yeah, that happens. I totally get it. What about, like, joining extra, like, to join groups in the gym, or, like, are there, like, take classes, things that you're interested in? There's so many, like many different singles groups and stuff.

Now like singles wine tasting night, you know, cooking class. Like putting yourself out there in ways that you're probably going, oh, that's cheesy, that's cliche. But if everybody there is single and that's why they're there, then you get the practice of like, it's not just one on one.

There's a group of people around. You start conversation with women, men, and you're doing something that you all like. Like really making the effort. And I know it's so easy to stay home and you're a little comfortable place and not go out. But if you commit to doing like one thing outside your box, a month a week. It's so easy for me to stay at home and not go out. I've been there. I did it the last nine months. I swear to God, I was like, I'm not ready. I don't feel like it.

And I'm forcing myself. I'm like, I'm going to say yes to everything. Like, you know, those Facebook invites that you get that you never read. I don't know if you read them, but they're like, come to this. Come to that. Oh, yeah. So I'm just like, I'm going to say yes. So you look at those, you're like, I wouldn't go to that.

Just why not? Just say yes. I'm going to say yes to everything that comes at those, you're like, I wouldn't go to that. Just why not? Just say yes. I'm going to say yes to everything that comes my way or yes to one a week. And just keep it to me now that you're going to do that. Put yourself in a situation that you wouldn't normally because we all would rather stay home in the couch. I swear to God, I think that's we all just want to get in relationship so we have someone to watch TV with and have sex with. I get it. But going out there will be great for you, great experience, and just a new experience is to because I find

When I have said yes to things I don't want to I never regret it. I'm like, oh, I met it even if it wasn't date I've met someone like a new person new contact and new friend like for work. You never know So the opportunities are there, but it's about putting it's like a numbers game put it yourself in different situations So okay, and then you get proud. I'll definitely look into that. Yeah, okay, good. I don't think it's these guys are dumping you're doing anything wrong. We don't have to get into any of that. They just weren't right, but you need more options. And you sound like the great person, great personality. I would just get on just like looking at those things that you wouldn't, when you first

say I don't want to do that, just do it. It's one night of your life on one day, okay? All right. Sounds good. Yeah, I'll definitely try that. when you first say I don't want to do that, just do it. It's one night of your life, one day, okay? All right, so I'm good, y'all definitely try that. Okay, good, keep it posted, let me know how it goes. Okay, thank you so much, Emily. Thanks, Haley, talk to you soon. All right, bye. All right, and have a happy holiday. Happy holiday, Emily.

Happy holiday, Emily. Okay, say hi, say hi, say hi, yes to all those holiday parties. Okay, I will. Okay, bye, Ely. Bye, have those holiday parties. Okay, I will. Okay, bye, Ely. Bye, have a nice day. You too. I think that really works. I did this.

I, like, when I was in San Francisco, I went to this similar period, and I said yes to everything that came my way for, like, a month, and it was amazing. I ended up meeting a guy that I dated for a while. I mean, all the, my business was better than ever because ever, because I just started meeting people that were just like, you know, in my line of work. And I just, I don't know, it just feels good. Because again, I do think it's like this, we all would rather stay home.

The end of the day, it's getting cold, it's winter, we want to hunker down. But if it feels so much better to connect, we all need each other. The human touch, it's the holidays. And it just, you know, we get our own heads, but once we're grow out there, we connect. We all need each other. The human touch. It's the holidays. And it just, you know, we get our own heads, but once we're around there, we connect. We all, we need each other. We can't go through this world alone. So even if you're making friends, everyone, get yourself out there.

This was fun. I really love the calls. Okay, you guys. So please keep emailing me and go into the website, sector family and dot com and click on ask Emily. And I'm asking your questions. If you're like, joanzing for the emails because you love the emails, I've got an email for you, okay?

This is from Ashley. Hey, Emily, how can I clear my mind during sex? I'm often distracted easily by outside noises or thoughts in my head. I try to clear my mind and enjoy the sensations from my partner, but sometimes I try too hard and the moment is gone. Thank you, Ashley, 28, California. Ashley, such a good question. God be all-ers. We are live in such distractible society now, like everything distracts us, right? You know, the phone, someone makes a noise and we're out of our head,

like you hear something down the hallway, we're thinking about our to-do lists, staying in the moment is harder than ever. So how you clear your mind during sex is that you just keep, you said that, okay, so you're saying Ashley that you try and you enjoy the sensations, but then you try too hard. So I think that you are judging yourself really harshly in the moment too. So I mean, I could tell you going back

to the sensations in your body, which actually really does help. But if you're also judging yourself for that, I can just say that like, don't even think about like the end goal being orgasm. Like think about the end goal being like a connection and intimacy with your partner. So for you, for maybe for you, it's like eye contact, like maybe if you make more eye contact with your partner, that might

help you stay at the moment. Or for some people, it's like talking dirty or like taking your mind, I think if there's nothing going on, I can understand what your mind is like, might get distracted with other things. Or trying to do like position or like, amping up the the foreplay like maybe you give him a massage and he gives you a massage. It's really really common though that the noises are going to distract you because there's you know we can't quite down the noises in our head or outside. So you can also practice like I don't know half and you masturbate. I hope you do, right?

Self-love. It's great all the time, especially this time of year when we're all stressed out. But if you know your body really well, like you through masturbation and again, we're never done learning, there might be some like go to positions that you know might make it easier for you to orgasm or to be in the mood. So if you do know those, those would be great to explain to your partner as well. But you wanna be trying some new things or communicate with your partner about what you want

because that will also help you feel more connected to your partner if you really learn to communicate what you want. I don't know how long you guys have been together and maybe you're not even in a relationship. Maybe you're just saying in general it's happening. So I would say just practice with whoever you're with and just say you know what this is what I want This is what I need because then you're being open and more vulnerable and that just as a byproduct of being vulnerable and open to someone

It can often help you Stay present and have that orgasm. So I mean honestly, it's a lifelong, I meditate, I really, I try so hard to go back to the moment sometimes and I don't beat myself up anymore when I don't. So, just keep going back to those sensations and don't beat yourself up when you're with the thoughts and the end goal, it's not to be orgasm,

just enjoy what's happening in the moment with your partner and figure out what really turned you on. Here's the other goal, it's time to be orgasm, just enjoy what's happening in the moment with your partner. And figure out what really turned you on. Here's the other thing, fantasy. I know that there's a lot of judgment we have around fantasy. We think, well, if I'm with someone, I shouldn't be fantasizing. And I know this might sound contradictory because you're like, well, you're telling me

to stay on the sensations. If that's not working for you, there is nothing wrong with bringing in that fantasy. That go to the sexual thought that you have when you're masturbating or you know Hey, when you're with a partner even if it's not about the person that you're with it's totally okay Our brain is our largest sex organ. That's what's gonna bring you to orgasm So if you can't stay focused the task at hand Don't feel bad about bringing in some fantasy and some some image in your head and your mind that's

going to get you there. So, you know, that'll work too. So try any one of these things and I think you'll be well in your way. Thanks for asking the question Ashley. All right, this was fun. Love taking the calls. I love hearing from all of you. Love reading the emails. All of it. Don't feel bad if you don't want to call in, you can still send an email or leave a voice mail. So thank you everybody for listening, have a wonderful, happy holidays, I'm grateful for all of you, it's such a gift having you all my life.

And thank you to my amazing team, thank you to Madison and Lori and Jamie and Eddie and Ken and Michael Hitter in the sound. You member of the team, hopefully you'll come back. Thank you all for listening. Was it good for you? E-Mommy, feedback at saxwithm.ly.com. There's just something about the fall that makes me feel like cuddling up with an old friend.

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