Sex With Emily - Sex Outside the Box with Dr. Chris Donaghue

Episode Date: April 22, 2015

On this week’s Sex With Emily podcast, Emily welcomes New York native, sex & relationship therapist, author, and television personality Dr. Chris Donaghue to discuss some common questions in sexuality and intimacy. Is it okay to be a little extra kinky?  What is normal (sexually speaking)? Together, they go in depth about our sociosexual obsession with being “normal,” and brief us on the importance of sexual deprogramming. Dr. Chris talks about his new book Sex Outside The Lines and how he got into sex therapy, not to mention his turn on's and turn off's.This week’s show is very educational, and is also sure to make you feel great about yourself! Learn how to accept your sexual preferences, ponder the differences between dating and engaging in a committed relationship, and hear Emily do an adorable impression of her mother. Don’t miss it! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Today's guest is my new friend and colleague, Dr. Chris Donahue. He's a Sex and Relationship Therapist, author, television personality. He does so much. It's going to be great show. We're talking about his work in non-traditional sexuality, sexual deprogramming. I know a lot of people need some of that. Plus, we'll be answering some of your emails.

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So go to craved.tilt.com and get eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our secret institutions. Betruma eyes, they call them a lie-gone. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hairstand. Oh my.

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It's drinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you common knowledge? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I'm so proud. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemlee.com where you can check out all of our podcasts. Sign up for the mailing list. You know I talk about the mailing list a lot just because you all tell me you like my emails. So do that. And you can also, you know, we do two shows a week, really easy, you can subscribe on the website,

go through iTunes, and you can get the shows, you'll never miss them again. And also, I just wanna mention, because okay, so I just came back from the podcast award, which was very exciting in Las Vegas. I'll get to that in a second, but what I realized is that podcasting has grown so much, and it's like, so there

was the 10th annual podcast awards. And I was there 10 years ago, which was pretty crazy. The first one I started podcasting and now 10 years later, it's like, you know, there's 200,000 podcasts on iTunes and it was exciting. I hosted the awards. I have to thank podcast one. We are recording right now. They sponsored it. And you know, it kind of reminds me of like the webby awards.

When I was in San Francisco years ago, my friends started with the internet, which is starting. And we're like, webby is what? And now it's like a huge thing. And I think the podcasting awards since everyone's got a podcast and everyone's listening to podcasts, it's going to be a whole new thing. So I hope we're part of it every year. But the interesting thing about podcasting is I still find that people just are like, oh yeah, I've heard of that. What, how do you listen? I know you're all listening, so you get it.

But another easy way if you don't know, there is a podcast one app that you can download for your smartphone, any phone, and you can listen to any podcast you want. And it's really easy that way. So you don't like you have to be on your iTunes and download it, you can just stream it anytime. So that's a really easy way to do it. So check it easy that way. So you don't like you have to be on your iTunes and download it, you can just stream it anytime. So that's a really easy way to do it.

So check it out that way. And so Vegas was a blast hosting the awards again, Chris Jerkow, he's a hilarious, he's a wrestler, singer. And we got up there and it was a little crazy last minute. We didn't have a script. But I think we pulled it off. And it was lots of fun seeing all the podcasters who from around the world really, who were there.

And also another one of the highlights for me was running into Rundee MC. That was really fun. We went to a late night club and he was rapping. Like he was doing his whole thing. Like when was the last time you saw Rundee MC? Madness and tear, my sister. Do you even know Rundee MC?

I know who Rundee MC is. And not only that, he was like, I think he hit like the reality TV show circuit. I'm like, that's one of the stuff. He probably did. And Chris speaking, Chris is here too. Oh, yeah. Well, the minute you said, run DMC, it brings me back.

Right? Because that was MTV in its beginning. Exactly. Founders on TV. Right. Exactly. Like, run DM is like, trick it, trick it. And he was like, singing.

And it was like, he was really cool. We were like in his VIP section at like one, oh, wherever in Las Vegas nightclub. So it was a great time. I just got back. So late last night, and here I am with you. I'm excited. I do why I faked it.

I tried. I know some makeup things and stuff like that. But yeah, it was exciting. And, obviously, yeah, again, thank you to Podcast One. Everyone who voted, we got people to vote, you know? I've stated when, but I think it was rigged. But I'm totally cool with that. I'm totally cool with that because I just love anyone

who's doing podcasting and doing their own thing. Because we get to talk to everyone in the world and there's like no, you know, no one's regulating us. We can swear if we choose and talk about what we want. Okay, Chris, Dr. Chris, I'm so glad you're here because we met briefly. We did a seminar together, right? That was a good time.

Yes. Yeah. That was fun. What was it about again? Sex talk. You know, it's funny. I was thinking about that. I came in and I can't remember. I know that we were great in the panel. I know that I love fun. What was it about again? Sex talk. You know, it's funny. I was thinking about that. I came in and can't remember. I know that we were great in the panel. I know that. I know you were like, we did something together, right? I recognize the face. I know the name. No, I totally know you. But I'm like, what was the topic? It was the clean.

Body wellness. You guys did the body wellness. See? Madness. Like that. I promoted it. So I never mind it. Body wellness. It went really well. I mean, and now you're on shows sex box. If people have seen that, it's exciting, but you're doing so many things. And the reason I love your hair. I mean, now you're on the show sex box, so people have seen that. That was exciting.

But you're doing so many things. And the reason why I love you're here, I mean, you're a therapist, you see patients, clients, you see one groups. You do a lot of interesting things that we're going to get into. Yeah, I'm out there trying to, as we used in the intro, deprogram. Well, that's okay, so that's your new book coming out.

Yes. Okay, so the title of the book is... Sex outside the lines. Sex outside the lines. So I just love that deep program because I think so many of the issues that people have with their sex life sexuality is it that we're so much messaging. Yes, and the one question I get asked people always say, you know, you work as a sex therapist, so you must be working hard at fixing people's sexuality. And I say, no, it's actually the opposite. I'm always telling people that they're okay and they're healthy.

Right. They just learn how if they're normal. Totally. One question, am I okay? Am I normal? Right. Exactly. And you have them realize that that it's okay because so many people have a lot of shaming

around their sex life. So we'll get into that and all the great work that you're doing. But first I just thought we'd start with a little bit of sex in the news. Tell me what you think about this. Surprise. Studies show public display of affection are good for relationships. Little PDA.

If you've ever been to Paris, you've probably noticed something that we rarely do in the United States. Excessive PDA. For reasons, as Americans, we'll never truly understand. The French can't go anywhere without being all up, all over each other. All you have to do is go for walk through Park de Bout-Showmont.

Thank God I took French. I didn't know it was that right. Park de Bout. Sounds good to me. Because I took French, okay? On a nice day, and you'll see French people in love practically fornicating right then and there without a care in the world

as do you might be watching. They don't care. But this is the type of thing that might make some of us cringe. Studies have found that all this PDA is actually good for your relationship and surprisingly, these studies were not conducted in France. So there's one study Ohio State University found

that couples who are intimate both behind closed doors and out in the open tend to be more satisfied in the relationships than those who don't participate in all that levy, devvy action. And they say even just engaging in a few kisses here and there in front of prying eyes of passing strangers is great for mental health

and contribute to the overall happiness of the couples. And the study goes on. It says that, you know, Americans may never get to the point or I don't know, we know that comfortable with PDA? comfortable with pda I know you look I don't stand for Americans either do you but do we really not I mean I guess we're not it's sort of a thing if you see people like make it like you're like go to room you know yes I think we all do the double take I think you take snapshots and posts on your Facebook saying look at what I'm seeing exactly it makes sense the more you're touching and connecting the better you're going to feel.

Exactly. No matter where you're at. So it says that what the final part is that they found that couples who actively display their affection no matter where they are have more sex. Because if you're doing an apartment bench, then you have a lot of sex at home, passionate mind-blowing sex.

God, we're so uptight about sex in America. Which is why you probably are your businesses, like how many clients do it? Every day you're getting new clients and that's what it is And that's why I think that podcast is great no censorship, right? No, but say whatever the hell you want exactly and my show sex box One of the first things that happened when they announced the show before it was even seen was the Family Television Council Came out saying we want this band and started a huge huge huge promotional you know band the she wrote. Right, of course.

So, yeah, no one can handle hearing that word. No, it's true. Right, again, same with my show people. Like, oh, I love the, when I was starting out, they're like, I love the name of your show, but how we can get people to like advertise or listen, you know, it's sex. Oh, and I just read in the news that there is a psychotherapy

practice that wanted to set themselves up and their sign was going to say something about sexual health or sexual wellness and the building owner would not let them use the word sex on their sign. Exactly. Yeah, we have this issue. What the hell is the problem? We're trying to demystify this everyone because everyone is either having sex, not enough sex and if they are having sex or they might have some issues with it or they want more

they want less and it's in everyone's mind. Oh, how about this? Every song, what's it about? Sex and love. Sex. What's every movie about sex and love? Exactly. What's every book, they want less. And it's in everyone's mind. Oh, how about this? Every song, what's it about? Sex and love. What's every movie about? Sex and love. Exactly. What's every book?

Sex and love. Right. Everything we talk about, sex and love. Exactly. No matter what, when you're with your friends and like, why you decide to wear that shirt today or why you decide to buy a shirt? Exactly what is, like, always say that everything you put on in the morning is your sexual expression, erotic capital. Right. Erotic capital. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes. Yes, yes.'s in all of our minds, but yet, you know, our backwards society, you know, we should have moved to France and have a lot of PDA, but it is true. It's a problem. So I'm talking to Chris Donnier, your website is Chris, CHRIS, D-O-N-A-G-H-U-E.com. This will all be on our website. And your Twitter handle is the same at Chris Donnier,

and Instagram, and all that stuff. Dr. Donnier,ue on Chris on Instagram. And so I've got some questions for you because you see patients. I do. And you run groups. And you do all of it. And you book coming out which we're going to get to. But what led you into the study of human's actions?

Because I get as it all the time and I'm like, it's just a long winded ant. But what about you? It's a good one. I was in New York City studying science, totally unrelated to relationships, and got more curious about the human component of everything. So started doing psychology training, and then noticed that sex was the one area

that no one really talked about comfortably, no one really acknowledged, but my initial work was in the sex addiction world. Oh, okay. She's phenomenal because it's a horrible area of the field. It's so shaming and pathologizing. I don't even subscribe to the sex addiction world. Oh, okay. She's phenomenal because it's a horrible area of the field. It's so shaming and pathologizing. I don't even subscribe to the sex addiction model or the concept.

And so from that I started training in sex therapy, which really kind of re-bought me out into the health of sex. Okay, and that was went, that was from New York, right? Yeah, originally from New York in Philadelphia. I moved out here about nine years ago. Okay. So I'd say about almost a decade ago, started training in the human sexuality sexology area.

And it's changed my life because if you can normalize sex, you can kind of normalize anything. It's so true. If you can increase your sexual self-esteem, that's just your total self-esteem. And did you, were you having like stuff on your own issues that could help you with your own sex life? Oh, yeah, for sure. I think what it did was it gave me confidence

in just allowing all of my sexual interests to be okay. Right, which is what, like, yeah, people wanna know, they wanna know if they're okay. So I think it's also interesting. So you also run sex therapy groups. Yes. And I think group therapy, people don't know, I mean, I can tell you that I've,

I was in therapy for, you know, probably 15 years maybe, on and off, and I think it's a lifelong process. And I did do group therapy for six years ones. It was a commitment. It was like, what, what, people understand it, that they're like, why would I want group? I want one-on-one, but there's such an amazing dynamic that happens in the group therapy, they made,

I was six years every Tuesday night for an hour and a half, and you have to go, and it was probably the most powerful therapy I ever did. So, can you talk a little bit it was probably the most powerful therapy I ever did. I think it is. Can you talk a little bit about it at someone who leads therapy groups? The group experience I think is way more dynamic and powerful and transformative than individual because you're literally having to work on your intimacy issues, your communication in the moment in real time in front of these people and talk about a really vulnerable,

defenseless dynamic where you're sitting with these people for six years you did it? Six years I know. Really learning how to encounter another person at their deepest levels. It's probably the deepest relationships you've had. Absolutely, right. It's phenomenal. And I think what's powerful is that

because sex has so much shame in it, I think what alleviates shame is being able to present your sexuality publicly and socially, right? Because she makes us want to hide. So if you can sit in a group among a bunch of other people and struggle with the confidence of vulnerability to talk about your sexuality, that's how you really increase your career. Right.

So I think for sex group therapies phenomenal. And in the group I run, a lot of people come in and they've had their sexuality shamed by 12-step programs or sex addiction or psychologists and they come in and I normalize and I'm saying you know pornography is okay it can be used in a healthy way let's talk about how to use pornography in a healthy way it's okay that you don't want a monogamous relation let's let's talk about other ways right it's okay that you're questioning some things that you're interested in that other partners haven't been okay with so I think it's a really safe space to explore. God, it sounds sad.

And you're still, and so you still see people and you're here in Los Angeles. So they can just find you through your website and reach out. So in the sex therapy group, so is it all like men, sometimes all women, or couples? So I have it mixed.

I think that to separate out by genders is just to reinforce anxiety around opposite gender. I think that having mixed gender together Really helps people learn the social skills and sexual skills to interact with everyone. Yeah Yeah, I mean that well that's what I found through my sex through my sex group I wasn't sex but it was it was a group there was that you realize that everyone in the room for so we weren't a lot You know people's last names now. I mean there's different sex different different their group, therapy groups of different rules. This is San Francisco. So for, and it was funny because they made me commit for a year. And I was like, Oh my God, a year like you can never miss every Tuesday, 6, 7, 30, it was like the biggest commitment of my life. And then I loved it. These people, but they become,

they're not your friends. I mean, you don't hang, can't hang out after the group, but they like get to know you. They call you on your stuff. I mean, and it's, and also you see mirrors in everyone. So that's the big thing. It's the most honest relationship you've probably ever had. Exactly. And I think being able to encounter a group on that level is the most powerfully shame-reducing thing you can have.

And then you take that with you out into your individual relationships and try to maintain it. Exactly. Was your group mixed gender? No, it was all women. It was a women's group. Do you think that worked better for you in that women? Well, at the time it did, it wasn't about sex. It was just general therapy.

God. And it was just interesting because there would be women. We were all different age. We probably arranged from 25 to 60, age 25 to 60 in the group. And people were just, it was just interesting. People would be having issues with their boyfriends and typically in relationships, I've done things that are often more male, like I have more masculine energy.

I think, well, the reason why I did that is they noticed things in me that were in their mom or their mom did things that were like my cause. We all just see different things in each other. So, I just thought that was really helpful, but I want to ask you, I just saw your tweet that you said, do you want to learn how to use pornography in a healthy way? So join your sex therapy because I think that, we're talking about sex addiction and pornography

and you don't even subscribe to sex addiction. So can you talk about that? And then also what the hell's going on in pornography? I've heard I was talking at Dr. Drew, we do love line together. And he would say, yeah, the latest thing now is 12-year-olds are taking to pornography. Yeah, so, well, number one.

So the reason why I don't subscribe to sex addiction as a model is because it's being treated and looked at like drug and alcohol addiction, and there's very, very large differences. So drugs and alcohol, if you never use drugs and alcohol ever again, you'll be healthy. So I don't worry about someone erroneously thinking they're an addict

and being sober and that being a problem. Like, whether or not you're an addict, if you go sober, you'll be fine. Sex and love are things we have to learn how to have in our life. It's not healthy to just be anorexic and push them out. Right. So, you know, sex is always operating on us. Like we said, it's what we wear in the morning. It's how close me and you sit.

It's how we look at each other. So you can't be addicted to a process that's always operating on you. Like the need for sleep, the desire for food. So it's just about learning how to manage those drives. And I've learned with my clients that people that think they're sex addicted, they actually need to learn more about sexual health. And so a guy, for instance, will say, you know, I masturbate every day. I'm addicted to masturbation.

I say, well, that's actually a standard, most men masturbate anywhere from one three times a day. So it's just that you need sex education or, you know, or actually what comes in a lot as well is people think they're addicted because they're looking at really diverse creative alternative porn and I say them no that doesn't mean you're addicted. Addictions not about what you're doing it's the how you're doing in the impacts and I say them no let's that's actually very common. I mean this is interesting this is in my book. When they did a study on the most common pornography search words that people type, what they're not looking for,

they're not looking for traditional style sex. Most America is looking for very alternative, creative, sexual style. So that's actually the norm, what we think is abnormal. So a lot of sex addiction that's labeled as such is people that are just really confused about what's normal and typical. Well, exactly, but what about, so I sell that study too, what they're searching for,

but what about the people who are saying now that Since they're seeing all this alternative sex they keep raising the bar and then they have a hard time Having sex with their partner or something new. This is the kicker and this is really hard to hear So I agree with you if you keep pushing your rouse limits It's gonna be really hard to return to your partner, but brace yourselves If the sex you're having through partners is worth having you want to have it Yeah, I think it's a couple's dynamic on some level. And that goes back to shamingy-d programming, just because they're watching it, they're thinking,

my partner won't accept me for this and then how to talk about the kind of stuff. But again, I always say, if your pornography uses far more rousing the sex you're having through partner, you're not a partner need to sit down and talk about making some tweaks and changes. Right, exactly. Because if you really do have fun sex with your partner, you will be drawn back to that. And here's the other thing I talk about making some tweaks and changes. Right, exactly. Because if you really do have fun sex with your partner, you will be drawn back to that. And here's the other thing I talk about. Solo sex and partnered sex are both healthy parts of everyone's sex life, and you have a right to both.

And I see some partners wanting to have their other stop masturbating, and say, that's not a problem. This is a huge part of it. You don't have a right to take control of that. Exactly. And that is huge. I mean, I hear that from, I mean, mostly from women who are married or they're in a relationship with someone like why is he watching porn?

I don't understand this has been going on forever, we were about asking this and it's like I would say he masturbated before he met you. He's going to masturbate now. It's a men use mask, not that women don't masturbate either, but it's a different, you know, it's a different context like a stress reliever. You could be having the best sex of your life and you're still going to go on masturbate. Absolutely. And the other things I always say to the women, are you saying to me that you'd prefer to be with you? Because that's understandable. Then let's work on you initiating sex with him or saying to him, hey, if your arouse come to me.

But the same women that say that sometimes also say, oh, but I'm not that interested in it. And I say, well, then that's a great way to keep him monogamous, right? If you don't want him seeking sex outside, allow him to find sex within. And that's masturbation and pornography. Exactly. And there him seeking sex outside, allow him to find sex within, and that's masturbation and pornography.

Exactly, yeah, and there are a lot of, I hear that all the time I got asked that, yeah, you know, do you find, I'm like, me if I were, wherever you go, I was like, oh, sex, and they pull your side with the million spots. Every dinner party, he's somehow, I find myself in these car stations. I'm in line with Whole Foods, and someone's like,

oh, it's a lawyer's show, can I ask you a quick question? That's exactly, I know it's an hour later, and we're like, yeah, that's the one upside-slash downside to the work we do, is people are like, we need to talk for a minute. Right, it we have notes. Exactly. And we're like, yeah, that's the one upside, slash, down, side to the work we do. That's exactly. Is people are like, we need to talk for a minute. Right, it's a minute. And our younger people, like you were talking about

Jacques Jadrou, are younger children finding porn for sure. I think the problem isn't porn though. I think the problem is that we need to work on talking our kids about healthy computer use. Exactly. Because what else are they looking at? I mean, the porn, but are they also looking at pictures of people blowing heads off of each other and murder

I mean, so yeah, it's about learning how to use pornography in a healthy way And that's part of my group therapy is talking about when and how and what and the impacts. It's not going away Right, so the answer is toward how to use it and work with it not to just say it's bad And so is it but it's part of using it monitoring it to tell what if I got because again addiction I and I agree with you that it's way overla What have I got? Because again, addiction, and I agree with you that it's way over labeled it. So when you're like, oh yeah, celebrities about cheating on other wife, oh, he's gonna go to sex

and they're, no, no, no, no. You know what's funny about that? Have those celebrities, it's not that they're sex act, they're just a jerk. Like you are just mean and have no empathy, you're not honoring your vowels, you're a jerk, not an addict. Let's call it what it is. But you're a celebrity, you can sleep with anybody. Yeah, so you're it what it is. Right, you're celebrity. You can sleep with anybody.

Yeah, so you're taking advantage of that. Yeah, you're hot. Right. Right. There's 50 women throwing themselves at you. Exactly. I would say you're an addict. I'd say you're an opportunist.

That's fine. I totally got it. It makes a lot of sense. Okay, so, but the other thing I was going to say about it though is when it does, so not calling it addiction, but I always say like anything when it does become a problem, if you're doing it 15 times a day, you can't leave your house, your last job, you know, because you're watching. Call it a problem though.

Call it a problem, but not addiction. Yeah, or, or, or even compulsive sex, problematic sex, but the addiction where I don't like because of the connotations that come with it because the solution can't be its abstinence or whatnot. You have to learn how to have in your life. So you got to learn how to work with this thing. And if we call it an addiction, it makes it always bad and fear-based. So true. And that's not going to help you. Right. Because we're not going to stop loving you. That's exactly. I totally agree. Okay. So let's talk about your your first book coming out.

When does it come out? People can be learning out. July pre-order now in Amazon or Barnes and Noble. I've been working on this thing. I say jokingly. It's like I've had a baby for four years and I'm ready to birth it finally get out of my life. Congratulations. This is very, very exciting. Okay, and so the name of the book is what is authentic sexuality and a sexually dysfunctional culture. Yes, sex outside the lines. That's a title. Okay, sex outside the lines is easier to remember, right? Okay, so tell me, tell me about the book. Okay, so the book is not a traditional sex book. A lot of the traditional sex books are very anatomy-based

and how-to, this is more a thought-based because I think the work in getting healthy with sex is our relationship to it and how we think about it. So it's more based in that. And it explores the concepts of how we're obsessed in our culture with being normal. And I would say, normal's not the goal.

Normal's not healthy. What we call normal is usually a really horrible conformity-based thing. Go with abnormality. That's going to serve you better. And then I get into a little bit of problems with sex education where it's not honest. There is no sex education. OK, yeah.

That didn't even exist. There is no sex education. So that's a rule. Let's have it. But when we have it, let's make it honest. And really, let's not just say, hey, if you fall in love, you get married. No, some people fall in love and don't get married.

Some people fall in love and choose polyamory. Some people fall in love and aren't monogamous. Like, we have to really present all the options. There's a lot of relational sexual options. We have to present all of them. It's not appropriate to leave out a segment of the population and not address their specific concerns. We have to talk about queer identity and gay and trans

and polyamory. It's not supporting anything. It's just being honest and education should be honest and real. I also talk about a lot of psychiatrists and psychologists that I think need some training and human sexuality and they're really just perpetuating these horrible norms of the culture. They don't have any training at all.

And then they come in my office and I have to de-brain wash them because they've come in thinking all of these things that they've been talking about are really horrible. I mean, here's an example. There's a sex addiction treatment program in LA, and on their website they say, healthy sex only takes place in committed relationship.

Okay, now, how many of us have had sex without being in committed relationship? Probably all. Raise your hand, everybody raise it. Right, exactly. Yeah, so that's not appropriate. That means we're all unhealthy. And we all need, we are sex acts.

We're all acting out our sex addiction. That's not true. No. You know, not everyone has sex within the context of relationship. And I say this on my groups, you can have healthy one night stands. If you're a healthy adult, you need another

healthy adult, you're aware of the consequences, you're fully consenting. Consentual, right? You can high five each other and say, it was nice to meet you and go off. And that could have been very intimate. That could be very intimate. Exactly. People, right. So that's in the book and then I talk a lot about new styles of marriage and relationship. Because I think, and this is a little, a little one track, but we traditionally operate

with what we call healthy for marriage and relationship from this very American individualist notion. And I like the idea of being more relational, thinking in more relational terms, where it's not, here's the example I give a lot of time. So if a kid falls down, especially if it's a male kid, we'll say to him, you're fine, brush yourself off, and I don't like that idea because the idea is that you're on your own, people aren't there for you, and I love the notion of more of a codependent style. So a lot of the things that people are calling codependdependent and love addiction, I'm calling healthy relationship. Interesting. So I want it to be more co-dependent. Right, okay, to be more, not so typically people

are raising kids way more independent. And I think that's horrible because you know it independent kids. I know, look at me, that's gonna happen. Well, I don't know Emily, you seem pretty successful in healthy, so we can up, do So we can do a little session here. Can we have that? No, I think raising independent kids raises independent adults, and then they're relationally independent. And then your wife is in my office or the husband saying, my partner is not relational.

My partner is too independent. My partner doesn't think about me or consider me. And I think that's a horrible model. Right. It is. I intersect with you. But okay, so I was just the trigger in your or consider me. And I think that's a horrible model. It's a horrible model. Yeah, I noticed that you're saying, so what do you, but how can you, so I was just the trigger in your book for me.

I love the description. It was about, I'll read this again about your book, Sex Outside the Lines. So you pull apart cultural phobias with a sex positive, there we practice, a kind of sexual deprogramming that how will people see and accept the desires I have, even if they don't align with societal expectations, that are really natural, healthy,

and part of having a great sex life. So, I mean, I think that this is great, because it is true, people are so, I don't think that people, first of all, we know people are delaying marriage, and there's so many different ways to have a relationship, alternative relationships, and I get this all the time,

pali-amory, does that work open, well, really does that work? Does that work? Yeah, well, how's your monogamous relationship? I mean, I'm not advocating that, you know, one is over, is right, more right than the other, but find one that works for you. So I assume you laid these out in your book and- Absolutely, and I think you make a valid point

in that people are delaying marriage. And my theory is that we're delaying marriage or not getting married because the way we're doing it isn't working. Right. And the high cheating rate and divorce rate is again because it's not working. Exactly. But there's the kicker.

Instead of saying the way we're marrying and the way we're dating isn't working, we're blaming people and saying there's something wrong with you and we're not blaming the institution process. I want, I can't rate to read your book because it's like a high five to that. I keep saying that because I'm like, no, you always tell me, well, you can create the kind of union that you want. If you want to get married, you want to go, it's okay. But they don't believe that.

They don't believe it. Everyone follows the same heteronormative trajectory. And there's a flaw in it. And you just call it out, this individualized notion. And I keep saying to my couples, where's the we, where's the us? And it's too much of me. And a lot of therapy is about, what do you need?

And self-development. I say, get rid of the word self. It's not self-development. Here's my other theory in the book. Every all growth in development is relational development. If you're not, you grow through an in relationship. So when people say like, I'm going off for a weekend and I'm going to be on my own and I'm going to really work on me, you're working on nothing.

Because you grow more in a relationship. What are you working on when you're off by yourself? No one's triggering you. You're not working on communication skills or intimacy. You're working on being alone and independent. You got that down trust me. Exactly. And I've done a lot of that. I've been like 10 day silent meditation. But you can't come back. I know. I can't come back in. I don't want to go back. I'm like I was sitting with monks for 10 days. And that's what do I do? Yes. It's not relational. You need to be more relational.

It's absolutely true. But the deep part when I saw that I was thinking like what about people who come in who have you know just messaging from childhood, let's say religion or, you know, just things that are wrong and they feel shameful about masturbation or about sex? I mean, how do you, I mean, there's so much work that I've done. Yeah, I'll say number one. I don't think, I think it's almost impossible for anyone to get into adulthood without having being programmed problematically, right? And the number one thing I'm starting to zero in on and you're a good example of the

opposite of this is the flaw with media. I think media is the number one educator. Everyone's like, oh, your parental dynamics, no, no, no, media is more important and your social network. Think about it. Whatever your parents said or did, that's powerful. But whatever media you embed yourself in and what your friends and those norms, that eclipses that and washes that away for sure. Why? We want to be just like our friends. And so part of the deep programming is really looking at the social media you surround yourself with. So for instance, if you come into my office

and you're saying, I don't have a lot of sexual self-esteem or body esteem, I want to know what magazines and TV shows are watching. Right. Because they're reinforcing something. Who are you looking at on Instagram? Who are you following? Show me your Instagram.

And I look through and I see all of the people. Do you like show it right? Yes, we're on all these community, show it right? Yes, I'm all these Body collar clarks in and pink doing it in every but at this ever-no Horrible I mean that's huge for them for the way they're coming back. I'm okay. I'm okay Like here's the cheesecake right what's that they're saying but it's just people to shame them because like you know Makes people feel better about themselves like college you behind that stop watching and looking at things and make you feel bad If your Instagram posts and Facebook things are following make you feel bad because of what you're looking at

Delete it. Exactly. Exactly. And Facebook too. We were like oh People are studying that should people watching who spend more time on Facebook are more depressed because all our friends are posting these perfect Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, happy husband and happy life and you know really get inside that we'll see how happy But okay, I'm gonna make a quick Charter sponsors and then we're to come back. I'm gonna help you. I have you help me answer some emails for people. Fleshlight. Have you ever used a flashlight? Do you know about the flashlight? I not only know about the flashlight, I'm also aware that there are websites that I had to make your own homemade flashlight. Oh.

It's expensive. Yeah. And I make it my business to try everything. Oh, okay, God, I should have bought you a flashlight. Well, this is the number one sex toy for men. And it's a male masturbation sleeve. And so you can feel the pleasure of having sex anytime. They have them for, yeah, men, gay, straight. They have everything. You have a favorite porn star.

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It's in May. And get him for your partner. Yeah. It's a good gift for a partner. It's a great gift. Madison's my flashlight poster girl. Yes, my I gave my boyfriend. He has not one but two flashlights different flashlights for different situations. And they're great. They've like totally improved our relationship. I wrote a blog on it. It's called my boys new toy where I talked about like why I love my boyfriend's flashlight almost as much as he does. Right. You got to check it out on our website. So go to

sexbelmy.com, read Massons blog, and click on the Flushite Band or use code Emily to get a free bottle of their award-winning flush loob because you could never have too much loob in life. Amen. That's what I feel, right? That's true. Huge fan of loob.

OK, so I want to thank everyone for emailing me. It's feedback at sexwithelmy.com. I love hearing from you. And don't forget, when you email me, include your name and where you live, where you live, you know, and how you listen if you get to that part too. But just really just your name. And we don't have to use your real name.

You can even use a fake name, but really I wanna know where you live and how you listen to the show. Okay, and Chris, I'm glad you're here because these are still and I think that you would really be great and insightful and helpful. Hello, Emily, thanks for your show. I really like listening while it work with Ear Bug, Ear Buds, by the way. I've been with my wife going on 15 years,

and now after recent argument, she dropped a bomb on me. She feels like we are no longer emotionally connected and has no desire for sex for over a year now. I had no idea she felt this way, and now I wonder how long she's been just going through the motions with no real feelings towards me. She said she couldn't remember the last time she felt anything in that department. This is obviously a huge problem for my marriage. I admit that I probably deserve it. We're both strong real people. Arguments seem to come easy for us and a lot of hurtful things have been said over the years. Love my wife, even though we have our problems, I assume that at least we always had an attraction for each other, but now, not so sure.

I feel guilty for wanting sex knowing she doesn't desire it or even enjoy it anymore. Am I wrong for feeling this way? Second, being a man, I don't really understand the whole concept of emotional connection. I love my wife and assume she loved me and there was a connection. But with women, it goes deeper. And I know guys don't always see the underlying issues. How would you suggest that I start to fix this? My wife says it's fixable, but she doesn't know how.

We work opposite shifts. I only get to see her weekends during the week. It's tax and email only. Please offer some advice to this helpless romantic who finds himself lost. I love your show, key up the great work. Thanks, Ryan. Wow, that's a comprehensive question. Right? It's all in there, Ryan. I mean, the whole thing. Thanks, Ryan. Wow, that's a comprehensive question.

Right? It's all in there, Ryan. It's all in there, Ryan. It's all in there, Ryan. It's all in there, Ryan. I mean, the whole thing. Like, first of all, I thought I was so interesting. He's like, what does she mean by emotional connection?

But then, I mean, low libido, she's not interested anymore. Where would you take this? There's that individualistic culture notion that's problematic, though. That I don't understand emotional connection. Of course, you don't. Because you're doing exactly what you're supposed to do, which is being a man in our individualistic culture, and you don't understand connection. So you're where you're supposed to be, which is being a man and an individualistic culture and you don't understand connection. So you're where you're supposed to be, Ryan.

Like, a lot of people are going to relate to this question. Number two, I say this with all the care in the love in the world. You know, your head must have been in the sand. That for an entire year, there was no sex and this was a problem and it's only now that you're realizing it. That's a huge concern. Couple of times I want to talk about sex. It's, yeah.

So this is what I say. I understand you're working different shifts. The most important things for connection are touch, eye contact, and time together. You have to find a way to do that. It's not gonna work if you're only doing it through text and email, which I think is what he said. You have to find a way to get the touch and the eye contact.

And that's how you build emotional connection. Is it's what you say, it's how you say it, but it's also the ability to sit before them, touch them, and look at them. So when I work with couples like this I have them face each other touch each other somehow hold hands but their hands on their shoulder land each other look at each other and begin the process of dialogue and that that's intimacy and that's where you have to start. I don't mind and I do love the idea of some couples saying we have an

sex and forever we're not feeling intimately close and I say start with sex. If you can start with sex because you feel safe and comfortable, you love this person, that can fast track you to the intimacy. But if you're feeling that's too soon, then work on the touch time together and I can. Right. And sometimes I even say take sex off the table then and start reconnecting like you eye contact and touching and through, you know, maybe therapy. What would you think about them being? They're the number one prime candidate for sex therapy. For sure, couples in sex therapy. It's true. It's a really interesting thing.

People think of sex therapy. I have to have sex therapy. No, there are therapists like that. But no, really, it's just talking about the issues that are going on. Who knows why? There could be other things from their childhood or maybe they weren't really. And it's going to be a little bit of your life's work where I can't drop and answer on you right now that's going to solve everything.

You're going to have to learn slowly about the emotional connection stuff and that happens in therapy. Yeah, and then 15 years. So, good for you guys that you're bringing it up now. I think this will explode your relationship and if you really Ryan, you really take this on as like your number, I know you guys both work and you're busy, but this should be your number one priority right now. And I think that if you really stick to this and you stick on finding the right therapy

or the right course that works for you that this will blow your relationship in a really good way and you guys will find yourself reconnecting like never before. Yeah, because as you just say, if your relationship is not your priority, it's going to feel like something that's not a priority. Exactly. And a lot of people deprive our days of usually. We got that going. Now I got my job.

I got the kids and this is a big problem. Check, check, check. Everything runs on its own because of it. Right. We don't have sex anymore. Okay. Then you're roommates. Let's go back to working on the sex. Okay, well thank you for that. Okay, next question.

Emily, I just started listening, I'm a big fan. I'm happily married man to a beautiful woman for 15 years. A couple of kids in sex is good, but I have a number of desires that I wanna try before we get out of our 40s. But she's not really up for trying. I think she would like to try some of them, but there's a stigma she's concerned about,

but no one else will know. Some of the things on my sexual bucket list, ready? Watch porn together, make our own porn, mutual masturbation, go to a strip club, additional partners, three or four way. I'm even up for it, a male, male, female, three of them. Go to a sex club, swing a party, anal. She let me do her once. I would like to wear a strap on and have her do me some bondage bit. This goes on. This is my guy. This guy is really good for you.

Let me, let me just stay down and say good for you for being diverse and creative and confident because you're hitting everything. You got a very comprehensive. I know. I'm not leaving much out. What does he want to do? So he says, is something wrong with me? Am I a pervert? She's aware of most of these, though I never related so clearly out as I am here. So how do I get it to try some of these things? Or should I just give up, be thankful for the great

sex we have in our strong relationship? These have been recurring fantasies mine for years. And it's just better to keep it as a fantasy. I like Fortier's spot signed wandering. Oh, wandering. I mean, how long have they been together? 15 years. Same thing. I mean, how do you just, I mean, because it's true you're coming together and she might be thinking, what, what? Like any one of those could trigger her. Sure. So they probably I'm assuming never really communicated much about. Yeah, well, let me start here with you wander number one. You're you're healthy and you're okay

Nothing I heard that list is anything that one should feel bad about you're not a pervert You have to start with feeling confident in it though. You can't present sexual Options and novelty to a partner if you're feeling unsure and fragile about it yourself So I want you to get secure in it So you're I hope maybe I'm giving you the permission to do so and that will be enough But um, you know number one when you're when you. So I hope maybe I'm giving you the permission to do so and that will be enough. But you know, number one, when you're, when you have a sex partner, you have to always understand that's another human being you're trying to have sex with. So yes, you have to take into account their comfort and what they're interested in. But I think the beauty of sex therapy is

using sex therapeutically and the use of sex to grow and to learn. And you can't do that if you're not getting a little anxious and trying things. So I want you to lovingly talk to your wife about going into some of your anxiety and doing some things that maybe she's unsure about, but if it's safe and consensual, it can really bring you guys together. And 15 years of marriage, you're going to need some novelty brought in there to keep sex going. Exactly.

That's what keeps it interesting. But see, I hear this all the time and this is what I, you know, I've tried to explain this, you know, many different ways on the show. And in life that, you know, after 15 years, I'm assuming they probably haven't talked about sex a lot before, this time when he's starting to feel this anxiety, I've had these fantasies, I've had this. And I hear this from men. She just says, no, she won't talk about it, she won't do it, she won't.

She shut down to it completely. So I don't, you know, don't present her with this entire list. Not that we're judging it at all. But it could be overwhelming to have that list. Well, I'm overwhelmed. I'm like, this kept going. We got some work to do now. I want to go down for all of it, but that's,

I'm not married. But I want to go deeper. I want to say number one that, you know, if your wife is that uncomfortable and hard to talk to a shut down, I feel like you need to start by talking about other difficult conversations first. And learning how to, as a couple, talk about things that you're unsure about anxious about.

Because if she shuts down these conversations that quickly, then I'm thinking there's other communication issues. Well, usually there is, right? So usually couples stop having sex or if things are just sort of stale, it's because there are other things that have gone on. The relationship that we were oppressed, that we don't actually talk about. But have you seen in your practice?

I'd love to hear about some of your couples. Maybe this would be just an inspiring story that have maybe come in with similar issues and how you've helped them break through some practices that you use. For sure. So couples come in, of course, not because things are going well. It'd be nice if they did.

But they come in because there's problems. And to relate to something like this, I've worked with clients where one comes in, and they're saying to me, there's things that I'm sexually interested in, and either have or haven't. But either way, I've worked with clients where one comes in and they're saying to me, there's things that I'm sexually interested in and either have or have it, but either way, I know my partner would be really uncomfortable with it and they'd shame me with it. And this is what happens, it's really beautiful and really powerful.

The goal isn't to get that client to a place where their partner says yes, it's to get them to a place where they can talk about it, where they can sit in this beautiful place of intimacy and honesty and say, because I love you, and because I'm committed to this relationship, I want you to know all of me. And so I want to share with you things I'm sexually interested in. Maybe we won't do them, but I want to at least express them to you. I want to at least be able to talk about them. Because if we're going to stay together for another 15 years, we're going to encounter

other difficult topics. And if we can't talk about sex, we can't talk about any of the other things that might come down the road. So it's just an activity of learning how to be close and intimate. And so I love sexual dialogue between couples. It's the most honest part of you. It's beautiful. I mean, essentially being in a room with someone where they feel safe, because you're the

trained therapist. And then it is true. I was in therapy, not sex therapy with a boyfriend once. And it was just the most powerful, and we went for a while, but one boyfriend. And just having a therapist say, okay, sit, like turn your chairs, face each other, like say those things, and I found myself being able to say things that I,

this was years where I could never have said, just the two of us. A lot of couples do, you know, as soon as they feel like, go to therapy, go to therapy, and it's like, is that your only answer? No, I mean, because it works, because it really helps,

because there's certain things that are 15 years, clearly in your relationship, wondering yet you are not able to break through those barriers. And so you just might need to go see Dr. Chris here. because it works, because it really helps, because there's certain things that are 15 years clearly in your relationship wondering that you are not able to break through those barriers. And so you just might need to go see Dr. Chris here. Right? That's right. Okay. Body image problems.

So our next email. Emily, I love the podcast. I'm 34 years old from Phoenix, Arizona. For my entire life, I've been a big guy. Am I heaviest? I was over 500 pounds. Over the course of three years, I've dropped nearly 180 pounds. With that, I've changed tremendously, however, I'm still

very caught up in the habits of the old me. My confidence at time suffers due to this because I was so used to feeling so badly about myself. Hearing your show on the topic of body issues and confidence issues really hit home for me. Due to my confidence and the way I feel about myself for so long, it's so hard for me to make that leap and approach and talk to women sometimes. I always talk myself out of my thinking, why would she be interested in me? As you can imagine, this is incredibly frustrating.

I'm extremely outgoing and love having fun and being around people. It's just when it comes to women, it's hard for me. Your show has helped in these areas, but I'm still having issues. Is there anything else you can recommend? I can try or do sincerely hopeless romantic Mike. So, you know, the only thing getting in the way is Mike, because for so long he was overweight.

He identified that person with a, like you wouldn't want like me, and just because you said the weight doesn't mean that your internal mind isn't telling you those same messages over and over again. And what I haven't done a couple, you know, guys, you just got to practice, you got to go out through, you got to start talking, but really this is his mind that's just stopping. So no matter how many times I tell him to approach women, this is an inside job. So. So two things. Number one, I think this is a relational social issue and also a sexual self-esteem that kind of combines.

So here's where the beauty of online comes in. Whether you like it or not, everyone's going online for dating and sex. The numbers are multiplying in the hundreds of thousands every day. So we have to learn how to do this. Here's the beauty of it. A lot of my clients or in my groups don't have the confidence that I wish they did to go up to someone at Starbucks and say, hey, I noticed you. I think you're tracked.

I love to take care. You like to go out to your side like this say, hey, I noticed too. I think you're tracked. I love to take out. You like to watch those? I like to watch it. I love to try. So this is where online is beautiful, because it's a safer, more distal way to practice, approach skills, and the skills of courtship. And so I would say go online, where you can send an email,

and you can practice reaching out to people. And it's important for you to do that, because I want you to see people responsive. I want you to see that people are interested in a track to team. So it's a really you to do that because I want you to see people responsive. I want you to see that people are interested in attracted to you. So it's a really good way for you to kind of increase your sexual self-esteem and capital. And so go online. Go online. I don't think it's lazy or easy. I think it's a really beautiful first step before you take it out into the real world. Right. Because he's saying it's really the approach. And then once he's sitting there and he found this from attraction, hopefully

that will help him move on. It is true. I mean, online dating is like my mom called me the day. She's Emily, you know, because I'm dating, but maybe you should date online. Do you know much about it? I mean, like, like, like, have you tried the different, like, mom, I talk about it all the time. It was hilarious. I mean, because I haven't done online that much, which is funny. I think it's great in some way.

I've done a little tendering. There's some flaws. Yeah. I think tendering is interesting because I think it's about giving yourself the opportunity to date. And you only can come, you can only come in contact with so many people if you have a busy life. Exactly.

Here's busy as I am. Yeah, and in LA, like even less than ever to score. It's like, I'm in the car. Yes, exactly. You're not in your walkin' on your street. No, no. So, we're not in a france having sex on a park bench. Exactly.

So I think online dating is a great way to get a really concentrated number of people that are interested in dating. I think it's phenomenal. The other thing I say to the online dating though is take it into the reality as soon as possible. Do not get trapped in days, weeks and months of texting back and forth. If it seems like a match, meet as soon as possible to really see if that chemistry and connection is good. I agree.

Stop with it. Don't even give out your number if you're running late, but stop with the texting or even the God forbid the s always call premature escalation before you meet someone and you're like You're like oh, yeah, yeah, you're hot. What do you say? What are you gonna wear and then like they're having their sex thing and they've never met They create this whole image and fantasy about the person let down walking And they're like oh, where are we so much time texting so yeah, I'm as soon as you can and there's nothing wrong with you You might also that if you want to Set up a few dates in a week, I mean, this might help you,

just like, practice, practice. Yes, I'm a big fan of dating a few people. Because again, dating is to decide if you want relationship. Dating isn't the relationship. You date to see if you want that. Healthy people, date a couple people. They don't commit within the first three days. But why do people do that all the time?

They're like, I don't, they're like, they force it, they force it. I'm like, no, let's diversify. Like, you know, you take, I've also had people that when they found out the person, they just started dating, was talking to other people, they said that they're not really serious, and they're not gonna see them anymore.

They couldn't really be serious about relationship, if they're seeing multiple people. No, it's because they're serious. Exactly. Because they have self-esteem, and they wanna really see a connection. This is the kind of message you're gonna have to get out there, because I hear that you're like, oh, he's a player,

I'm not gonna allow these dating. I see my tender self. That's in the book. It's in the book. I was gonna say, do talk toie. I see my tender stuff. It's in the book. It is in the book. I was going to say do tell people, yes, wait to read your book outside the lines and they can get they can that they could or preorder it, which is awesome. I just I love that you're covering all these things because no matter what I do, you know, being even on like a public show like Love Line or my show podcast, people are just

they just think it's, you know, crazy that it's over. It's over me. It's over me. It's just for free because it's just for whatever we're not saying that you have to be polyarmus live in a lot of love to be swingers most people aren't ready for swinging polyarmus let's also call that that is an advanced all style that most of you are listening are not ready for and don't have skills for we're just saying have a relationship that is based on

the two of you it's just like how weddings I never understood that I never really aspired to have like a wedding walk on the aisle. I'm like, why? I get tradition. I get the whole like she wears white and he does this. But I always think that when I go to weddings and they're like cookie cutter and they seem exactly the same as every other wedding,

I'm like, there's two people coming together, supposedly they're committing for life, or for a while, long time, it's over like, why not make it an amalgamation of the both of you of who you are, who your traits are, like create a beautiful ceremony. Because we're obsessed with normality. I know, because we're going to be judged. I couldn't do that crazy thing, my grandma's going to be there, you know?

Where, red sash on my white dress, what will they think? Maybe that you're cool and think for yourself. Exactly, maybe that you're interesting. Yeah, I totally. No, it's very cookie cutter, it's kind of boring. I agree with you. And that's again the message of the book, normals not the No, it's very cookie cutter. It's kind of boring. I agree with you. And that's again, the message of the book. Normal's not the goal.

Stop trying to be normal. The minute you ask that question, you're asking the wrong question. I love that. Everyone wants that. Because that is sort of the basis of most questions you get asked. It's like, am I normal? Like that sort of like, if you, I love that you're covering this. You're very excited about it.

You can like book signings and stuff like that. I'm going to do it. I'm going to be all over it. Okay, we've got another question. Emily, I'm 24-year-old male who just moved to LA from a very small town in Missouri about a year ago. I also just came out as gay around the same time. My question is since I didn't really realize

I was gay until much later, I am still a virgin. I really feel like I'm ready for sex, but I was wondering, what do your thoughts were on my first time being a hookup on an app like Grindr? Do you feel like I would regret it? I don't know about this point in my life. I need to be, it has to be a special occasion anymore, but I'm not sure.

Also growing up at a very small conservative town, I don't know when he great resources and safe gay sex. Any help would be much appreciated. Thank you so much, John. All right, John, put on your big boy pants. If you're living in LA, you're 24, you're going to be expected to have an adult dating and sexual relational style. You're not back home anymore. And so most people are comfortable with hookups and anonymous sex. It's part of their development. A lot of people have sex and then remain friends with those people.

That's how they build friendships. So you have to understand what's occurring socially. You don't have to do it that way, but I want to just normalize that there is one path where people date and get to know each other psychologically and romantically and then go to sex and other people do it in the reverse where they have sex first. And then if that went well in the connections there, then they decide to stick around and go on a date afterwards. They're both possible. Again, a lot of people are on these online sex and dating apps. You're gonna have to learn the skill set at some point.

But what about him just go and give him the first time on it and grind it? Well, I'll tell you. I mean, it was different in the gay community. I got it. Well, no, but there's a lot of heterosexual people as well that are comfortable enough with the idea of being sexual and not having that always in service of relationship.

Right, no, I mean, I hear guys who email me that are straight, they're like, oh, should I just go have sex with a browser? Should I just, you know, I mean, I just think what? Yeah, I know, there's a lot of wrong- I have like, I have like really strong issues on this. Like, if that was one of my female friends who was asking me for her first time

or any type of first experience, like, it's gonna be, it's not that it's like, and emotionally, even that it needs to be intimate if you're saying like I'm over it, but you need someone who you're gonna trust to be gentle with you and to ease you and to like. But shouldn't that always be what you should look for? Exactly, but-

Exactly, but that's why I think you should go on grind. Yeah, exactly. And he's some guy and now he doesn't, you know, and maybe he'd be afraid to say his version, and he's gonna take it. Yeah, I'm okay with it. I'm okay, because here's why. I want you to be an adult, and I want you to know what's happening in the adult world, and that's kind of gonna take it. It could be damaging. I'm okay with it. I'm okay. Because here's why. I want you to be an adult

and I want you to know what's happening in the adult world and that's kind of part of it. I want you to have adult social, sexual skills. I'm not saying to go do that, but I'm saying I'm not concerned if you do. I want us to stop prioritizing the first time because many people's first times is horrible. Yeah, most people's,

they're young. Because we don't know what to write. It ends in disappointment. You know, if you look back at people's loss of virginity, it's where they're like, yeah, we're still't know what to write. It ends in disappointment. You know, if you look back at people's also virginity, it's where they're like, yeah, we're still friends. We love each other. We got married. It's usually, oh, that jerk. He dumped me. It was horrible. I had to feel comfortable.

And that's not the way it should be. But I want us to stop prioritizing his first time as though it's this powerful powerful thing. Look, we don't worry about the first movie you see, the first car you buy, the first food you eat. But this is the one thing where we make it this magical step. With the minute you do it, it's transformative and different. For most people, no, it's not at all. Yeah, yeah.

But I think also, I like what you said about him, just like, Norm, because I moved here from Michigan. Well, I moved to San Francisco from Michigan off the boat, that age, and so it's like, San Francisco, woke you up. Yeah, oh yeah. Oh yeah. I mean, it was like, what?

That's the best sex training you got. Exactly, but it's true that you get there and it's a little like, oh, kind of sensitive. We're not cancer anymore. So I like what you said about him, like making some friends also, and just starting to kind of see, go to the bars, hang out, and-

I'll say this, it sounds like you're not ready. If you have that much anxiety, I would say maybe wait. Because I want people to have sex because they really want to, and they feel confident in it. And so that's the more important dialogue about this, if you're that anxious weight and also being 24 male Just coming out as gay and he's still virgin is like not that's you know Yeah, you're not alone in that there's a way I mean like to me. I'm like you're right in chocolate You came out you moved LA you do you say you live with a more solid word?

I'm just a good assumption. That's just a good question. That's just you being smart I know I'm like I think I think five a good assumption. I'm just a good assumption. I'm just a good assumption. That's just you being smart. Just me to West Hollywood. I think I just said five seconds. You're gonna have to get a Starbucks, you're done. I'll say this, don't use word. What you really need to focus on is, am I doing it for the right reason. And it sounds like you're anxious and you just want to do it to do it.

And that's not the best reasoning. So just chill out, wait. Get some friends. Get to know the area. Find someone you like. You know, slow down. Go to the gym. Yeah, go to the gym. Go get a lot.

Take good of the gym. You got a lot of other things going on. You can find, I mean, seriously, I'm not worried about you at all. Yeah, I'm not either. You'll get there. Okay, it's time for one more. Yeah, it's okay. Hey, Emily, but listen to your show for a while now.

And I love it. My girlfriend of 10 months and I have been having regular sex. That's now becoming a problem. To start, I've never came with a partner and I've been having regular sex. That's now becoming a problem. To start, I've never came with a partner and I've had eight. But my girlfriend thinks there's something wrong with her. She thinks that because I don't come and sometimes I'm not in the mood for sex,

that she's no good, doesn't do it for me, and doesn't want to be with her, and that's not the case. I know it's something wrong with me, but I know it's something wrong with me, but she doesn't seem to believe me. I do come when masturbating and watching porn, and when I masturbate, it takes 30 minutes to believe me. I do come when masterbiting and watching porn and when I master But it takes 30 minutes to an hour the longest my girlfriend I've had sex have probably been 30 minutes before she says she's worn out

She's came too much. We've tried a number. She's come too much. Yeah, because he's delayed Accolations I know I want to start in on this already. I feel like you need to read the rest of the question. Okay, don't need from Missouri 21. All right, so number one, there's nothing wrong with you. Let's just start there. Number two, I love the idea of girlfriend is orgasming multiple times. I know, I love it.

Luckily, the idea of congratulations. Here's the thing, I hear this all the time. It's understandable, I get it. Partners will personalize if you're not able to stay hard or ejaculate what's wrong with me. You know, do I not turn you on? It has nothing to do with that. It's called you have a biological nervous system.

Some people are sensitive, or they come sooner. Some people's longer. That's not gonna go away necessarily. You're always going up against how your body functions. Number two, if you're masturbating, I know you're saying it takes you when you masturbate 30 minutes to an hour, but I think you're also reinforcing

and training yourself to do that. So I would say either number one, stop masturbating for a while. He said he stopped, that was probably, yeah. He said he stopped for a while. Or number two, you should not be doing it that long because that's really, really extending yourself into an amount of time that your partner

is not able to keep up with. What about mutual masturbation? Or are you getting me fleshlakes? She just got me to, I don't know. I want to point it out that I want you to love and leave say to your girlfriend, you know, what is sex about for us? It's probably about pleasure and connection.

And whether you're coming in her with her around her or not, you're having pleasure and you're bonding. And so where and when you jackulate, it shouldn't be relevant. She's getting off, her needs are met, say close and connected. That's all you need to worry about. This is the thing, it's closed.

But the issue is, what I hear from a lot of women is that they think they put the blame on that. Of course. He's not a jackulating, because I'm not hot. I want women to know, we have a central nervous system. And that dictates when and how weak orgasms, not just about how aroused we are. There's a physical, biological component.

And no matter how hot you are, no matter how much he loves you, you can't be more powerful than his biological system. Exactly. So you guys should listen to this together. You'd solve. Yes, absolutely. I know. That's why I always said, well, a lot of couples do listen to this this together. It's all yes, absolutely. I know that's always said well a lot of couples do listen to show together. I'm like, you know, because it helps but I I was just I'm like that too that was delayed. I'm like really like for

How much time Your face like an hour like can we turn on something to watch on TV here because this is not but you know stop Stop don't go for now. We're fine to you know, I think but then they feel bad. Did you personalize it at all? Did you go through that? No, I was like, I'm hot. I'm doing this right. No, I didn't. But I knew.

But I knew, but I knew, I knew it was going up. But this is unfortunate. But if I was in my 20s, I might have. Like if I was younger, I'd have been like, I might have to do a good blowjob. Am I not? Now I know that I've got that down. But this is why it's good we're talking about this,

because more people need to know that this is actually not that uncommon. This isn't, you know, this is something that we're all going to possibly encounter at some point, and it's okay. It's like delayed or pre-predeured. You know, sexual dysfunction. Do you talk about this in your book as well?

I do. Your book, like, happens everything. I do. So that's awesome. Okay, so anything else, Chris, we got, okay, so we got your Chris, we got, okay, so we got your sex outside the lines. People, goodbye, your book.

And what is your personal number one sex tip? Oh, that's a good one. My personal number one sex tip. It's probably gonna fall under the lines of keep it diverse and creative. Good, healthy, hot sex is something that always has something new, novel, interesting. If you wanna be a partner, monogamous in the long term,

you want to have diversity. So get comfortable with that early on. Don't get into it. And what about your biggest turn on? Well, that's a good one. My biggest turn on is confidence. If I'm going to have sex with someone or date someone, I want to know that they're going to bring their entire self

to me, because I like to be friends with and date people that can transform me and I can transform them. I want to grow. I want to learn how to be challenged. So I need the people that can transform me and I can transform them. I want to grow. I want to learn how to be challenged. So I need the confidence. That turns me on. And turn off.

Turn off would be, and I feel horrible saying this is a therapist, a fragility fragile. I want to be with someone really, yeah, I want to be with someone who's really worked on themselves. Right. Yeah. And they can bring their best to me. And so it's okay if you're fragile and you have things to work on, but go work on them. Are you dating now?

I am. You're in relationship with that. Six months. Oh, good. Yeah, so sex is so good. Okay, favorite sex product. If you ever use sex products. It's funny.

What you said in passing, I think lubrication is one of the most important sex products. Me too. So underrated. Get lub. Always have lub. It doesn't mean you're slutty or trampy. Healthy adults have lube ready if you're a guy or a girl. Lube vacation's awesome for vaginas, penises, anal sex, lube, lube, lube. Master bait with lube.

It's better for sex when you're going to go to a partner. Come to that way, I think lube. Yeah, lube, lube. I mean, he's trying to lube. I want lube on every night stand. I seriously be proud that you're using lube. Okay, so I have a few little announcements here that we got to make.

So that is, okay, here's what's happening, people. Tuesday, May 12th, I'll be 8 o'clock PM. I'm doing a show with Linda Krola. She's got a podcast called For Crying Out Loud and it's at the Ringhorn Flats and it's in Pollywood somewhere and there's information on her website. It and it's in Pollywood somewhere, and there's information on our website. It's in downtown Hollywood,

and once we have all of the details, they will be up on our website, you'll be able to find them, we'll be promoting them heavily. And she was on the show a few months ago, and she's awesome, it's gonna be a really funny show, and it's gonna be live, so come see us in a Hollywood.

Also, we are taking the sexual health expo on the road. We did an amazing one last, Angeles in January, was that, it was January, and now we're gonna be in Phoenix, Arizona. Join me, April 25th and 26th. It's a weekend of sexual wellness, education, fun, email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com. Telling us why you want to go to the sexual health expo and we'll send you a two-for-one promo code. Also, we always need interns. We love our interns, social media, marketing, all that stuff. Also, we always eat interns. We love our interns, social media marketing,

all that stuff, emails. Again, feedback at Sex with Emily. And was that all my announcements? That's good. I think you're good. I think I'm so good. Oh, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Sex with Emily. And if you're not, like, why aren't you?

Because here's a thing. You like my show, that's fine. You don't have time to listen. You're like, oh, I've got two hours to sex with Emily. If you go to my Twitter, you go to my Facebook. We give you a lot of information. That's fun, playful, I've got two hours to say something. If you go to my Twitter, you go to my Facebook, we give you a lot of information. That's fun, playful, but also really useful for your sex life. So we appreciate all that.

And Chris, where can they find you? We announced it earlier. Oh, yeah. Dr.Kristaniw.com on Twitter at Kristaniw, or on Instagram at Dr.Daniw. Awesome. Thank you for being here. It's just so great.

It's great. And it's all gonna be on my website as well. And thank you, Madison. Thank you, everyone, for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com. Hey, thanks everyone, for listening to the show.

We talked a little bit about penises, and so now I'm going to talk to you a little bit more about penises. So, as you know, we talked a little bit about delayed ejaculation. Premature ejaculation is also a huge issue for men, but also not just premature. You might just ejaculate a little before you want to. So let me tell you about promising. It's a quickly absorbing delay spray that allows you to have the sex you want.

Promising close to the arousal gap between men and women. You know, you might just get there a little faster than she wants. Promising helps you less twice as long and thousands of your neurologists are recommending promising. It's the only FDA-approved treatment go to promesson.com that's P-R-O-M-E-S-C-E-N-T.

Thanks for listening.