Sex With Emily - Sex Reflection & Resurrection with Jamye Waxman

Episode Date: February 22, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by friend and marriage and family therapist Jamye Waxman – and they’re giving advice and taking calls on all the sex and relationship things!They discuss ways to fix your sex life and rebuild appreciation for each other, why we’re in a connection crisis and what we can do about it, and how dating has changed since technology has advanced. Plus, some sex toy talk from someone at We-Vibe!Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFor more on Jamye Waxman, visit waxmansextherpay.comFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The porn pieces become more problematic, especially you see this in younger men. And you see this a lot of the times because the substitute for relationships becomes pornography. Right. And if you're in your 20s and for 10 years even, all you do is look at porn to get off because you're not, you're busy with, you know, your career or whatever else. And you're not thinking about relating when you hit 30 something and you're ready to relate to women. They are not going to relate to you the way you think they will from the movies or the videos. Because they've been watching that's all they've seen because back in the day when we porn wasn't as ready available. Yeah.

Like, right? So you can think about this too. We didn't... I think not that sex was always perfect, but we didn't have all these expectations of this is how sex is, right? Yeah, absolutely. I think it's quite worrisome today how the young people are learning about sex and sensuality because they're getting it from a very different source than than what we did. Yeah, and now it might be kind of hurting their relationships as well. Right. Yeah, I see a lot of that and I see a lot more extreme sexual behaviors coming out early on in relationships because this is how they've always watched sex or got off. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I'm joined by my friend and marriage and family therapist Jamie Waxman and we're giving advice and taking calls on all the sex and relationship things. Topics include ways to fix your sex life and rebuild appreciation for

each other. We're in a connection crisis, truly, so why is this happening? And what can we do about it? So if you travel all the time for work, should you even entertain the idea of dating someone and talks of sex tech advancements from someone who runs a pleasure product company? All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that block our sacred institutions. Bit rumies. They call them in a fight on day.

Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair standard. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Mollie? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about, Maui? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God, I'm so dumb.

Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com, find us on all social media. It is sex with Emily across the board. Okay, intentions for the show, intentions with Emily. I started show by setting intention. I encourage you to do the same. I found wherever I set intentions in my life, I'm much more likely to get more out of whatever the

situation is. So when you're listening, think about what you want to get. Like maybe you want to feel more connected in your relationships. Or you want to hear about two sex experts talking about getting your sex life back on track. My intention is to give you all insights, how can you navigate your relationships from a low place back to a high place, and yes, it takes work, but we're going to help you get there. Thanks for listening. Enjoy the show.

I'm so excited because one of my favorite people this walked in, Jamie Waxman. She's sex therapist, marriage and family therapist a Dear friend of mine. She's been an intersiever over 20 years and We she we co-wrote a book together. That's how we met we got matched I literally think it was the best pairing See this is why I think our main marriages do work more than people realize there are statistics about that But right we were matched and it really worked The blind date. The blind date. Marriages do work more than people realize. There are statistics about that, but right?

We were matched and it really worked. Wow, you're right. Maybe that's the problem. You think we should all be arranged? Do you ever watch 90-day fiancee? But let me tell you our book, because we still get some kind of money from it every once in a while.

And it's also book besides the money. Hot sex to over 200 things you can try tonight. Also, it like sold out though, James. I don't know if it's available still. It was crazy. It was like, out of print, remember James, something happened and it was like, someone was selling it for like 300 bucks.

Isn't that crazy? Wow. It went out of print. Is it back in? It's awesome. It's right there. Okay, wait, so tell me what you were just saying about- Well, I was just saying that sometimes arrangements,

arranged marriages, it's been proven that they actually have a higher resiliency rate than people who choose romantic love. I've heard this. Tell me more about this. I think it's interesting. Because I think you go into the relationship knowing that there's a business element to it, it's a deal. So they think you two will work well together, and that's how it starts.

And it doesn't start from this sort of deeply romantic, this limmerence, this butterflies in your stomach place. It starts from a more realistic space. And what I think happened like between us, right, is that we actually fell in love as friends. We did. And we really did. And we hit it off so well that the love grew out of the relationship as it began. And I think that's what happens in arranged marriages. You don't go in with the rose colored glasses. You're right. You're absolutely right. So typically arranged marriages are happening with our families, for example. So you already know you're from the same background. There's a familiarity. And so if that happens, you're right. So did weeks There's a familiarity and so if that happens you're right

So did weeks kind of screw ourselves then that we're all relying on romantic love now? Do you think that there's some element of Of arrangement that we could bring into our lives that would make relationships work? You know, I think it depends on the age. I think that's a big factor because I think as we get older, right, like I'm in my 40s now, and it takes a lot to give in to somebody else in a relationship to a compromise, which I loved from Stranger Things. I think it was two where they say compromise is halfway happy, which is totally what compromises. So we have to want to be halfway happy. And I think as we've gotten older, it's hard to negotiate that. In our 20s, when we want to,

if we just wanted to be in a relationship, then maybe it would work better, maybe even in our 30s, maybe in our 40s, it would work. I just think it's harder as we get older and we get set in our ways. Well, yeah, and I don't want to compromise anymore. I've set my ways. I like my life.

And I mean, I'll compromise a little bit. But that's a really good point though. And also in your 20s, if you're, you have more, you know, you're growing together, you're growing up together, learning things, I guess that would make sense, Jamie. I was always curious to do some research, and I've never done this yet, but on the age 25, because that's the age that they say the female brain is fully developed, and so you go from the adolescent mindset to the adult mindset. And it's around the same time for men, for my understanding, I haven't read as much on the male brain.

But at 25, you're making more logical adult decisions. So if you got married before 25 or partnered with your life partner before 25, verse after, what's the differences in success rates, what works, what doesn't. I have no idea about any of the answers to this. I mean, I was 25. Five minutes ago. Yeah, I'm turning 27 in three months, but at 25, I felt like the biggest, like all of a sudden, I was like in this existential kind of crisis of like quarter life, what's going on?

I'm trying to hold on to my, you know, like crazy adolescent times, but then I'm like feeling more like an adult and I just feel like my mind did this like flip. So that would make sense. Well, it's amazing that you actually felt it and that that's a pivotal time for you. I remember from me, it was around 28 or 29 which they call Saturn Returns, right? So they tell you you're going to come in one end and out the other. But it really, there's something in your mid-twenties where you start to see yourself differently. And there is a lot, the female brain is one of my favorite non-fiction books out there.

But we have Brisbane. Yes. Yes. And I think she did the male brain too, right? Love those bucks. Yeah. It just gives you a lot of insight into yourself where you think, I mean, even today I'm still like, oh, I'm still growing up, even though I'm an adult, right? Yeah, I think you always feel like you are growing up a little bit. I guess it's more about having that growth mindset.

The growth mindset. Yes. The growth mindset. So, Jamie's here. So, what I'm telling you is you have like kind of like a toofer Toofer one we're both sex therapists. Jamie's a marriage and family therapist and she sees couples in Los Angeles And we're both sex educators and we're both sex educators So we were talking Jamie and I also saw Jamie at the show yesterday. That was a good time anything

Come up for you any cool toys you saw anything on your mind right now. I'm really into finding out what makes a good butt plug. I heard you guys, I know that this is a very, like, this is now what you expected to come out of my mouth, but I'm really interested in actually the design and understanding what keeps a butt plug in versus what makes a butt plug fall out. Because most of the experience I've had, it's very hard to keep a butt plug in somebody's butt. And so this has been, this is really a question. I actually had another question that people that I'm like, well we love, we love, we love B vibe. They make a great one. I was that's what I was looking at. The snug plug is that the one you're talking about? Yeah, because that has a long neck.

I think that's very important. Tantus also has one like that. I wouldn't think because you're clenching and so you're pushing. Right, because you have two sphincter muscles, you have your voluntary and your involuntary and the involuntary is basically, if you're not relaxed enough, saying,

get this out of me. I think once you get in far enough, it's gonna, it won't put, like if you just put in a little bit of ways, it'll pop out. Unless you become less relaxed, in a little bit of ways, it'll pop out. Unless you become less relaxed, right? Then you clench and it might pop out. It's, I did talk to somebody who designs these, Metis from Tantissa Wildback,

and she was saying, the longer the neck, the more likely it will stay in. That's, and I've heard that too. I just, yeah, so we're talking about Plexigew, but Jamie, the other thing that we're like on be having today, it's been an interesting day. Jamie, when you were just talking about limmerants, though earlier, I'm skipping back because my brain wants to go back to that and limmerants, we could describe that's the honeymoon phase or the early part of a relationship when we're falling in love and when things feel really great and the butterflies and maybe we commit to our partner in our, whatever, the obsessive compulsive part of a relationship. Okay.

It's the obsessive compulsive part of a relationship, Limerons. And I would say that every relationship has Limerons, so we just kind of crave that we go back to it. I don't think every relationship has it. See, I saw Limerons more like the honeymoon phase period that everyone goes through, but you're saying when it gets OCD. Well, it is the honeymoon phase. What I mean by the obsessive compulsive is you're checking your phone all the time.

You want to make sure this person's calling you or sending a text. You're wondering when they're going to do this again. As soon as they do, you're compulsively thinking, what am I going to write back? How am I going to sound? Like that, that butterflies in the stomach is part of it too. There's these really exciting parts. And then there's really anxiety producing parts. But I don't think as you get older and as relationships get more complicated that you

automatically find limmerance in a healthy relationship. I don't think you do. And I think limmerance is a very misguided compass for what we think is true love. So this is where I want to know, because Jamie, you've seen how many hundreds, thousands of couples perhaps. Mm. As a therapist, I'm curious because I even on the break,

I got a text from a friend, a dear friend who said, how do you help couples whose relationship is gone still? And I'm like, this is what I talk about every day. You should just listen. But Jamie, what do you think about this? Like what are you fighting now for all these couples who are like, I can imagine that a couple sits down in your office and they come to you and they sit down, then what happens? They're coming in because they haven't been able to communicate. Actually, the sex life is sort of die. They're not really connecting anymore,

and they're sitting in your office. Because as you know, I'm a huge fan of therapy. I believe that every couple needs it at some point in their life particularly sex therapy. So to having that you actually see people one on one two to one how does that go down? They come in they're sitting down. Hello Jamie Waxman. Yeah. So I would first usually get a sexual history or both for well if it's a couple I'm gonna ask the origin story. I want to know how you met and I want to see what happens how you talk about the meeting how you talk about origin story. I wanna know how you met. And I wanna see what happens, how you talk about the meeting,

how you talk about each other. I just wanna watch what's going on. But going back to the arranged marriage piece along with this, I think to understand that the relationship is gone still is part one. That's the awareness, right? Now, what are you gonna do about it? And that's where like the arranged

marriages you walk in and you say, I know this relationship is going to take work. So I'm going to work to see if I can make this the best relationship I can have. I think we take that for granted in romantic relationships. We think when it goes still, oh, okay, well, what are we going to do now? But that's when the work comes in. And what I've seen is that couples who really want to do the work, they'll sit with me week after week and really try and go through something and go home and do things to make a difference. But there are lots of couples who come in who don't want to do the work. Okay, so you have to now Jamie Waxman define the work.

Well, it's going to be things like sharing appreciations with your partner, things that you're taking for granted because you're just like, oh, they're there, they took out the garbage like they do every Tuesday or whatever it is, right? But you're gonna have to go and actually give them a verbal acknowledgement of something specific that you appreciate about them. Would that be like week one, like a couple comes to see you

and they're like, okay, you know, thank you for taking the kids to school this morning. I really appreciate the way you... I appreciate the way you... Yes, I really appreciate that when I get out of the bed, you think about me and you make the bed in the morning. I really appreciate that. I don't have to ask you to take the kids to school.

Or it can be, I really appreciate the way that you looked at me when we got into bed last night. It can be anything, but it has to be focused on the positive. When couples come into therapy, they're already focused on the negative. This isn't working. What's not, this is not right. Whatever is going wrong.

But you have to look back at what's going right to start to build that foundation again. So sometimes it can probably be hard for couples who have already gotten to the point where let's say their sex life hasn't been great, they're coming there because there is a lot of negativity and to be like dig deep and find some appreciation, that's like week one probably. Yeah, that will be one of the first things we would have done.

And then what happens? We might even appreciate how they met. We might go back to some other stuff first to just rebuild up the appreciation. And then it depends really what's going on in the relationship. I see a lot of desire to scrap and see, surprisingly, a lot more female sexual pain. I know you've had a lot of guests on about this. Yeah, but not lately. You can never talk enough about it.

But it's a really big deal. I think what happens is the other theme that sex is natural. Everybody loves it. It sort of pushes its way into the mainstream culture. When sex is painful, it's awkward, we're not really enjoying it, we're doing it in five minutes, you know, whatever it is, that's really a bigger narrative of what's going on, I think. Absolutely. So what you're saying is, is that first off, desire discrepancy, to explain

that is one partner wants sex more than the other. Sure, there's a higher desire partner and a lower desire partner. And the lower desire partner always controls the sex and the relationship. Regardless of how much they are complaining that the other partner wants sex, the low desire partner has the control in the relationship. Because they get set up open and closed for business. Yeah. They get to reject them. But then to tie that to pain is what I've also found is, and I think this is what you're saying, is that so many women are having pain, which is more likely to happen as you in your 40s, I think,

or 48, 40s, or early, late 30s, and all through the 40s, and then maybe you're 50, 60s. A lot of women are like, I've had pain, could be hormonal, paramanopause, menopause. And so are you saying that a lot of the lower discrepancy is because the partner is having pain? I think a lot of times the... Lower desire. If it's a couple and the lower desire is there, then yes, there's been a painful or an approach that has sort of taken one of the partners by surprise.

If we're talking mostly about female sexual pain, then yes. There's been something that the partner has done to the female that has sent her body into like a state of shock and traumatized it in some ways, or she's had pain and she doesn't know how to express it and she's tried to work through it, but she can't anymore. There's lots of, or she never had a sex drive, or I don't even like the word sex drives what a polygize for using it now. I hate all the word to sex.

I feel like I want to rebrand sex in general. Can I get that contract? Do you think I can rebrand it all? Like there's so many bad words. I'm like, no, God. There's so many things we don't want to say that we say them. Okay. So there's so many things that we want to say that we don't say

in sex. We don't say because we don't want to say the word. I think that. Yeah, or when you hear Ouch and then the partner, if your partner is sensitive to that, then what are they going to do? They're not going to try this thing again that hurt you. Well, that's true.

And I think also that women, what we do a lot is, is we just accept the pain. We're like, oh, well, then I said to be pain and I'm not gonna talk about it. So we do hear that a lot that couples are like, well, I didn't know why she didn't want to have sex. And then finally, they admit I had some pain. We can talk to Jerry in Arkansas.

He is 54. Hi, Jerry, it is sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily. I'm here with Jamie Waxman. What's going on? How can I help? Okay. Um, I had this dilemma over the holidays and I don't know how to tell my wife this, but my daughter's friend that grew up with, you know, she comes to our house and she always called me dad and mom and this and that Well, my daughter was in the army my wife allowed her to come and stay for a while because she didn't have a place to live or anything

well, I sleep all the way through the whole night and I got up It'll probably about two o'clock in the morning and I dosed off on the couch and about four o'clock in the morning, somebody's jerking me off and I'm thinking it's my wife getting frisky and when I finally came to, it was the 19-year-old girl with daddy issues. And how do I tell my wife this? Oh, wow, Jerry. What did you do in that moment? I jumped up and I jumped up and said this can't be you know. Okay, Jerry was then do okay. And then what did she do? Was

she drinking? I mean, it was the middle of the night. So I'm thinking maybe there were some kind of, not that I'm just trying to get them. She from what I understand from my daughter from past, she has sex problems. She's a... Okay, you're... An inflammation, you know. Okay, yeah, I got you, Jerry. Okay, well, okay, so I think the first thing we have to do is not probably not have the woman in the house.

Is that a boundary? You got to set a boundary on this woman. This woman coming over to your house, but that must have been so traumatic. I would believe, Jerry, right? It was. Yes. And so I think, I mean, your daughter also

has to come into this equation. Jamie, what do you think? How would you handle this, Jerry? I mean, first I'm curious, because you put words in Jerry's mouth here that it was traumatic. But was it? Oh, maybe it felt good. I thank you.

What was actually going on for you good I thank you what was actually going on for you you jumped up you stopped it Jerry but what is like what what are what are you feeling right now or what are you noticing just even in the idea of telling your wife I'm I'm scared and what is the thing that scares you but I also feel like I was taking advantage of. Absolutely. You are. I think it was my wife and I come to and there she is and it's like, you know. I think it's important to share some of this with your wife. She says, what's wrong?

Didn't you like getting it like, no, I did. I did, but I didn't like it from her. Of course not. No, I mean, Jerry, this was not consensual. Yes, not consensual. This was not respectful. This was not something that, and I could see then why this would be alarming.

It is traumatic. Yes, I just wanted to check make then why this would be alarming. It is. It is traumatic. Yes. I just wanted to check make sure that this was the words. I do think that you have to let your wife know. Some of it, well, you feel like telling me, what's the fear? What's the fear part of it? What could happen? How do you think your wife's going to react?

My wife will say, did you lead her up? It's like, no, I did. Did you know she was in the house? I was, right. Okay, so but before you— I knew she was in the house. I knew she was there. Did you guys like have dinner together?

I—oh, we've had dinner. You know, I've taken her out. I mean, she's been with us for like, uh, since she was 12 years old, she's 19. Well, Jerry, but why would your wife think that you let her on? I don't know. Because the fear that you have is an unwarranted fantasy right now, unless there's facts that back up right that why would she say that to you? No, I, because of how I talk, I'm not the perfect dad in the world.

Oh, okay. Okay. Well, yeah. And you know, I've said things inappropriate with my sons. I've said inappropriate things with my daughter. But never, oh, I don't know how you know, in joking matters. So here's the way I think you can approach this if I if I can make a suggestion is start with that piece recognizing what you haven't done exactly the way you would have wanted to with your kids and your family and approach it from a humbling space with your wife. Okay. So that she has compassion for you going into this? Now, do I do what I like?

Take my wife out to dinner and talk, you know? I mean, the friend isn't me. The friend, okay, what happened was my daughter's in the army. Okay. She came up to visit. Well, her friend from Oklahoma came up to visit and did all. And she spent some time, well, my daughter went back visit while her friend from Oklahoma came up to visit and did all and spend some time well my daughter went back and hurt my friend my my wife my daughter's

girlfriend had to spend another two days before her flight went back to Oklahoma so she stayed the two nights with us but she's thinking for some reason that it's okay to jerk me off when I'm you know. Was your wife also there? You say your wife was at a town as well so was the two of you in the house? Well yes my wife was in her bin in the bed she I don't sleep all the way through the night I have sleep apnea. Okay. 54 years old overweight and that's the other thing too is like why would you want to jack an overweight guy off to be honest with you

you know what that sounds like this was listen i don't think it's about her and i think it's about the thoughts you're having about your wife this sounds like this really was something that was really alarming you might have made jokes about it's all about trauma all around this girl has trauma this is traumatic there's a lot of that yeah and i i like that you just really it could be out of dinner It could be the next time you tour and you want to be in like a a Space where you know you haven't been arguing about anything like you're in a chill space

And then you just might want to say I really I've been meeting to talk to you about something and I have to tell you It's funny my first reaction was was kind of fear Because I thought you might think ABC that maybe I because I make these jokes, but I have to tell you the most, you can feel in the blanks, the most startling, the most traumatic, the most alarming scary thing happened in the middle of the night. And I want you to know that this happened and it's really had this impact on me. And therefore I don't think that you obviously we can't have her in the house anymore.

And see what your wife says about it. You don't have to solve it all in one talking, but also you didn't do anything wrong here either. So. Okay. Okay. Yeah, Jerry, does that feel a little bit better to you? Yeah, I feel like you have some, okay, good.

You didn't do anything wrong at all, Jerry. This is not appropriate. And I think that your wife's gonna understand that. i think you'll have some comfort in talking to your wife but i understand also why that could be you know scary yeah all right gerry especially especially with my wife in the neck see my wife's also hard of hearing

so in my life goes to sleep she don't hear not and everybody knows that okay but yeah so that's why she thought she could come jack you off of the male night Which isn't appropriate. She should not be your your house guest But I really don't think that you've anything to everybody here if you talk honestly and openly and humbly To your wife and you guys sound like you've a solid, you know in your solid place. You'll be okay Jerry just take it slow think about what we said. We're here for you I'm here for you every single night Monday through Friday. You can call me back. Thanks for your call. We got you, Jerry. I'll be thinking about you. Okay, we're going to take a quick break and we come back even more of your calls with Jamie Waxman.

Okay, we have another guest at Justwok. He's just hanging out. Just hanging out. But he's welcome. Listen, you are, I feel that a lot of our listeners know about you. What you do, I have Simon Smith here, vice president of business development and marketing. True. At WoTEC, we vibe. When we vibe and womanizer came together, they created WoTEC. So we talk about the, the we vibes, the womanizer is all the time. So he's, we were taught, we started So we talk about the the we vibes the the womanizers all the time So he's it we were taught we started the show talking about the conference that we were at yesterday

Sure. Yeah, so I said time and come check out the show we talk about it people call in there like Do you have an extra we vibe charger for me? I'm like I do not work for them. I am not we vibe I just love their friggin toys and like we love you so come in and say hi and Jamie waxman is here as well Thanks, I'm late. And Jamie Waxman is here as well. Thanks, I'm glad it's a pleasure to be here. You've always been such a great ambassador for us and things that you've done. It's an absolute pleasure to be on your show

and meet Jamie for the first time as well. I can't wait to hear each other. I can't wait to see you. I heard a lot of smart Jamie. I heard lots. Jamie's a legend. We're having good, this is really fun here. I gotta say, well having another therapist in the room is awesome.

Yeah, it's nice to be able to. Another man, all the people, Jamie had an interesting thought. I was just wondering, you know, the Just the Tip Tuesdays. I understand the origin of Just the Tip, right? Like, not putting it all in, which is also, I mean, when you think about it at, when you're thinking about Just the Tip, it's really exciting. And I was wondering if people prefer just the tip,

because also the first one third of the vagina is the most sensitive. Exactly. Right? And also there's a lot of sensitive nerve endings around the butt. So, is just the tip sometimes better than the whole thing? Sometimes. I think sometimes, if I've already had an orgasm, and then I want another orgasm, I think just a tip. That makes a lot of sense, because it's really sensitive. Yeah.

So sometimes you want the tip. Very good, very good question, very good discussion here. I like just the tip if it's like the penis is slightly curved up. Ah, so it really depends on the shape. Yeah, because I feel like my G spot is actually very, very close to my vaginal opening. So I do like, that's why I do like a slight curve anyways.

But yeah, I just feel like sometimes it's really nice and I can get off that way. And then the guy, it drives them crazy because they just wanna go all the way in, but they know that they love the T's. Well, that's what I love about just the T. It's the T's. It's the T's. You don't like T's's what I love about just the tea. It's the teas. It's the teas.

You don't like tea, you know, we're talking about what couples were talking about when their lives go sour, when their sex lives go sour, there's not that much teas. That's exactly it, Jamie. We have a sex toy expert in the room. One of our favorite companies, you know, the woman, everyone knows about the womanizer.

I feel like that's had like a legendary status now. It has. It's been, it's funny. The two companies came together as creation a wildW tech, but they actually have very similar origins with very passionate inventors for the Wevibe as a couple and a very passionate couple inventing the womanizer. So it really kind of made sense when the whole family are so excited. See, this is what you do in your relationship goes stale. You create a sex toy.

That's right. Right, but didn't the founder, isn't that sort of what it was based upon with? With a womanizer for sure. Absolutely. I love that story. Yeah, yeah. What's the, yeah, do you tell us again? Sure.

A wonderful couple from Germany and his wife simply never had a toy or an experience that gave her what she considered a fantastic orgasm. He set out as an inventor to create that toy and hence the womanizer was born. Like, yeah, I mean, I met, he told me this story, met him when we went to, we were in Germany. It's the belief that's for a met him, but Aerophane, which is another fun sex conference.

Yeah. And I was like, oh, but I was like literally like fan-girling because I couldn't believe that I got to meet him. I was probably after three years after it came out or something. It's been five now. Yeah, yeah, we just had our five year anniversary. I always tell me everything and he said, well, my wife has German accent, which I can't do. Which I could. I'll work on that. I'll pay. But he was like, I can't. My wife, she had this thing

with the mouth. And I tried to do it. And she loved the mouth, my mouth. And I wanted to her to be able to have it all the time and create it and like you did it like and so this toy It does sort of simulate that the oral sex does and it uses it uses a technology It had never been used before which was really cool. It stayed away from vibration and it obviously used pleasure air So pleasure air technology a pat to it's just it's brilliant So that's the woman either we're talking about people often have questions about that So damn yeah when couples come in Things are still so how much should they get into the sex like,

I, so we did something before, we were prepping for my Valentine's Day show. And I decided to bring in, I have all these letters that I do ever save letters, I save letters. I save lots of letters. I have every letter I receive, I call them my love letters, from like relationships from the last like 20 some odd years.

And there was one, I'm like, oh, that was a premature ejaculator, for example. And they all were reading them, they're over there. They're actually a trip, there's a lot of them. And he said, he said it's pounds. And he's like, I was like, when I was 30, he's like, I'm well, I'm working on my rectal issue and I forgotten about him

because he was a premature ejaculator. He came after one minute for two and a half years. And I believe after that relationship, I was like, sex would be better than this. Did he have it before you, too? Yes. So I gave him a book and the funny thing is at 30, I didn't know any of this.

So he was like, I'm gonna see a sex therapist and I'm trying to do the exercises and the book you gave me. I gave him the multi orgasmic man, I remember. Was he a highly anxious person? Do you remember? I think so, yeah. I wouldn't, I mean, I wouldn't be surprised with premature ejaculation.

I often will look for the anxiety. Any ED issues, there's going to be some anxiety. Either they're afraid, like I remember a man that came in whose girlfriend was lying to him about everything and cheating on him. And I think he just wanted to come in so that somebody objective would be able to tell him, no, no, you're fine. But I kept saying to him, your penis is telling you you're afraid of her. That is why you are not getting hard. And as soon as he broke up with her, he never came back. Oh, interesting.

Point never came back, but did you get into another relationship? I have no idea about that part. But I have imagined his penis was working again. Yeah, no, you're right. It can be, but you're right. Maybe I freaked him out. But I happened to know who he got married to and had kids with. And I happened to know from a mutual friend

that it still happens. Oh. So the point of that was when people come into you though, maybe think about like you can do help them with these kind of things. Yeah. Or as a generation. Yeah. Any ED issue premature ejaculation or actile dysfunction.

A lot of it becomes mindful in this base. You want to go into a somatic experience with the people, with the men especially to get them to know their body, know what's going on, how they're feeling when it's working, what that feels like. I will always ask people too if they don't feel like they have a firm erection. If that's only with a partner or if this is when they're alone, because a lot of times guys who will watch videos and porn, they'll have no problem being hard, but then a woman comes into the picture or another man comes into the picture, whatever it is. And things go awry.

And do you feel like you're hearing more and more of this correctly about porn? We talked about this, I think, last time I saw you. That was so long ago. It was so long ago, but porn is, and I've always been a big advocate. I've made, you know, I've made porn for Adam and Eve years ago.

And I'm not in it, but you. I mean, I hosted it as a sex educator, but I'm not, no, I'm not performing in it but you I mean I hosted it as a sex educator but I'm not no I'm not performing in it. Not so sure anymore but maybe in my past I would have prided myself on something like that. Yeah and I just where were we go? Oh I'm like I'm taking it. I'm taking it as in a wild ride today. No way for it to sting. The The porn piece has become more problematic, especially you see this in younger men. And you see this a lot of the times

because the substitute for relationships becomes pornography. And if you're in your 20s and for 10 years, even all you do is look at porn to get off because you're not you're busy with your career or whatever else, and you're not thinking about relating when you hit 30 something and you're ready to relate to women, they are not going to relate to you the way you think they will from the movies or the videos. Because they've been watching that's all they've seen because don't you think like

it are okay so back in the day when we porn wasn't as ready available. Yeah. Like right, so you can think about this too. We didn't, I think now that sex was always perfect, but we didn't have all these expectations of this is how sex is, right? Yeah, absolutely. And I think it's quite worrisome today, how the young people are learning about sex and sensuality, because they're getting it from a very different source than what we did.

Yeah. And now it might be kind of hurting their relationships as well. Yeah, I see a lot of that. And I see a lot more extreme sexual behaviors coming out early on in relationships because this is how they've always watched sex or got off by it. The choking thing is that they keep coming up. People not even ask me for consent and just assuming that choking is literally part of sex. I'm going to do the choke move and then they're not doing it correctly or consensually. Yeah, I mean, that's a very scary one. Yeah, it is.

I'm wondering, Jamie, if that you talked about anxiety a minute ago, if that's coming from, they think they have to perform like they're seeing on porn or in the movies, which just simply isn't real life. I think sometimes that's the case. Like I was even thinking with Emily, here you have this beautiful woman and you go into a place of, I don't deserve this.

I'm not good enough or she's gonna leave me if I don't fix this problem, that's always been a problem because every beautiful woman has left me and that creates anxiety, so you're not gonna get out of that loop. So it really depends on the situation. Yeah, you're absolutely right. We just trip out and the thing is

if it only happens once too, then that could create the pattern. I mean anxiety, I feel like anxiety isn't epidemic. It is. And as a result, and anxiety is always one of the biggest killers of our sex drive. So do you believe we're in a sex crisis? Ooh, that's a good question.

Deal. Well, would it look like if it was a crisis? Well, I believe it's, okay, well, what I believe is that it's more of a crisis of connection I agree with that. That we are not connecting anymore because we don't have to leave our homes to do anything. We can get satisfaction.

We can masturbate. We can order our food. I have people come to my house for literally my shoe person. I have to get my shoes heel fixed. What's it called? A cobbler. What's their call? No, it's what they're called.

A shoe cobbler. Like they deliver a shoe bar. We love shoe bar. They pick your, like I don't, you don't have to leave your house. You don't have to talk to people like there's nothing, you know, so I feel like there is more of a crisis of where alone needs, like the loneliness epidemic and the as a result that might be making us more anxious than as a result of that.

We're not having sex. Well, yeah, and connection also is not, if you look at like the internet, right? Or movies these days, I'm going to sound so old and date myself here, but there's a lot of fast cuts. Everything is very fast and quick. And if you're just connecting with somebody, that's long and drawn out. It's not what gives us satisfaction.

We need constant satisfaction and difference. Well, this is the tease thing we're caught talking about. The tease is the best part. I mean, the tease is the part that I think we crave. We crave that the build up, the early stages, when we just go right to the pounding, right? We want a little bit of words. We want to feel really desired and appreciated.

That's why the appreciation's going back there, too. We really know, but all of it, we want to feel really desired and appreciated. We want somebody to pay attention to us. And it's really sad when you walk down the street and see everybody in their screen. And that's life. And that's also why we're not connecting. Meeting people anymore.

That's the other thing that's do you remember back in the day? You'd be out and you'd like meet people because you were waiting in line somewhere. You didn't always have a book in your hand to be reading. You were just like, hey, yeah. So is this line always that long or man, it's raining? But now nobody's making eye contact. And I was saying this like last week, I was like, the good, the only good part about it is like, if I do something stupid in public, like I fall, I drop

something. I look around, no one's looking at me because everyone's looking at their phones. We're back in the day. They're all looking. Everyone's, and everyone's so distracted that, you can't really make an asset of yourself. If you made a plan with somebody, you literally would be like, I'm gonna see you Saturday night, and then you would see them, you'd leave your house,

you can be like, change your mind, text them that you're running late, it would happen, but now there's no more buildup to that, you're not looking forward to Saturday night anymore, because you're probably already sending, texting up until then, you're not looking forward to Saturday night anymore because you're probably already like sending, you know, texting up until then and you already feel like you know each other because you're like, you're in touch constantly and you don't have that, the missing, the anticipation, the teasing, the excitement is gone. Yeah, you hit it.

I think it's the anticipation and accountability. You made a plan on Tuesday and you thought about it on Wednesday. You knew where you're going Friday night and you expected to show up and you just did there was no Backing out of it. There was no last minute changes You really couldn't know and and and not only you couldn't but you wouldn't even think of it And that was it. That was the plan you would think of not even showing up correct Like I remember it was like lower like someone's like I should I went on a date and they weren't there like they didn't show up Like that would be like a weird thing

If you actually had a plan and you're sitting there like Table for two and then you're waiting for it. I mean I think it's like in the movies Yeah, like they never showed up they must have died and now it's like no They swiped and they met for someone else and they decided not to show up on the day I know I was thinking about even like on Saturday night, you knew you're going bowling, right? Let's see what it is. For example, but then you look.

Second bowling reference. You look on all your social media. Oh, is it? Just saying. You look on all your social media events and you're like, well, but there's something better to do or different to do. Or I want to see this person here.

And so you're all, there's always too many options. And there is something about too many options making it impossible to make a real decision. It's true. Isn't there like, there's a side by fewer choices. Mm-hmm. Or better in the long run. It is true. Now we have so many choices. Let's talk to Kyle 43 in California. Hey, Kyle, what's going on? How can we help? Hi Dr. Moline. Hi.

Well, I like the subject you guys are talking about. It's very interesting. Yeah. You can talk, keep talking about everything. Yeah, right? About the app. When you meet people on apps and you text and so on and so forth without reading them, it kind of humanizes in a way. You don't know that purple side of somebody.

It's not people feel that accountability when they maybe drop the ball or, you know. Yeah, I mean, and also like, you're right. I mean, you don't have the accountability, but also, yeah, that's part of it. You don't have the accountability if you just met someone, but also, you also make plans now, but then you're not like looking for, you didn't use to talk to someone,

if you just got fixed up with someone, and you just met someone, you wouldn't talk to them every night before your big date on Saturday. Like, if you've talked on Tuesday, so then you'd have that excitement and what's it going to be like. And then the date would be one of discovering you got to talk and get to know each other.

But now it's like you've been to their Instagram. You've checked out their whole life. You know what they do. And it's just that is fun. Kyle. What's going on with you? Yeah. What tell me about you, Kyle?

Well, I move around fairly often per work. It's about three to six to nine months assignments. I take the occupational therapy, just as a traveling therapist though. And it's been interesting because, like just for example, tonight, a mutual, like, a friend of mine, a family, a gay media number of somebody, I was like, hey, I think you really match up well with this person. Give them a holler, you know, and instead of texting, I'm going to call because I was listening to one of your previous episodes from a little bit ago about

Leveling which is and about how you know, you just somebody came up and just said hi to you and you got into a conversation Yeah, you know, that's I'm just gonna get her a call. I'm just get the texting and Gold fashion to yes, but But I this is the first time in the past other times. I'll kind of overthink and be like, you know, I'm not gonna be in the city For more than to pass like mid-June like what am I setting myself up for when I'm setting this other person up for like Should I call them and like I have this you know desire for human connection? You know, right you're traveling a lot. Yes. I mean, I think you should up

I used to you saying you're traveling a lot. Yes, I mean, I think you should have, you see, you're saying you're more, have more hesitancy about, about making the phone call or should you even meet up with someone if you're fixed up with them in another city. I think it's about connection. Yeah. Yeah. You know, you know, but then I know I'm not gonna, this job is over like mid-June. And so I'm like, like that, you know, I don't know. I think that if you, I think that there's many people right now who are looking for a connection as well. And then if you're up front and honest and say I'm in town for five months, let's hang out.

Because who knows, like you're not going to, you know, who knows where you're going to be. And maybe one day you'll decide to land somewhere, you know, set routes down. Maybe you won't be traveling as much. And I have to tell you that in my life, in my experiences from traveling, and I feel like I've met some great people that I'm still in touch with, and I believe that these connections are, you know, maybe if someone to go to lunch with,

maybe it's not romantic, but they introduce you to some other friends. So I feel like it's much better than staying alone in your home or your hotel room or wherever you're staying in a city. So I think if you're honest and up front, I think that that's people would, you know, I think it's such a mutual friend introduced you. Right? Did you see that? Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm a mutual friend introduced

us. Yeah. Saw that. All right. Yeah. So what's the part that you feel has it in about? I think it's, I've been down the road, I road I guess before like I hear what you're saying is why and I do agree as far as like yeah just reaching out and and been striking a relationship. It doesn't mean that it has to be something intimate or whatever but the time, like I've been down the road before as far as I have met people in a city where I've just been working and you know, we hit it off and the chemistry is good, but the opportunity long-term for me to stay isn't there, so then it becomes maybe something like this and then that's just really hard. Right.

Kyle, you're 43 years old old here's my question you're forty three years old what are you looking for now like do you think that you're going to be traveling for the next twenty years do you think eventually maybe you'd like to settle down in one place i don't like my my plan after the school years most likely to move back to a lot of angelist or send you to there and from and uh... some family and friends who lived down that way and just kind of planning ahead and looking into more long-term.

Okay. Down there, this was just a specialized school that I want to work at in the city and redwood city that I would say and it's a good opportunity to get some good experience. I think you got to be honest, everyone sort of moves around. You're in California. I feel like you should be honest and just see if you have a connection and you meet someone. I think that's okay for you to do. Yeah, I think it's okay to be honest.

That long distance doesn't work for you. So that if you notice, it's getting to a place where it feels like the two of you, the chemistry is good. And you're starting to question whether this is going to end when you leave Redwood City. I mean, there's so many options because if you meet a partner, they may be able to move with you if that's what you want. But you're getting really clear about what you want and also being really clear that long

distance doesn't work for you and some of the deal breakers in these relationships, that could be helpful in moving forward. Okay. So just being like super clear in the front. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Basically, I know that that's what I would like as well from them and that way.

No one. I've had people. Yeah. Kyle, you're fine. I mean, I'm telling you, I love that you are being so thoughtful about this, but I have to tell you that I've had situations that were temporary for me or people have been like, I'm only in town for a few months, do you want to meet? And I've definitely, you know, I decide case by case basis, but that to me, that's not a

turn off of someone's being open about the situation. I actually makes me feel like they're being more authentic and real and I'd be like, you know, I always feel like I love meeting people. That's something where I get excited about making new connections, whether it's friends or lovers. So I think you'd be surprised what you're gonna find if you're really honest and open about it, okay? But you know I'm here every night for you Kyle. So let me know it goes.

I got you. Thanks Kyle, have a good night. Thanks for calling. It's fun, Dave, because you know, Simon, we're here every night. So people can do the next thing, make that call. I'm coming back. Do people get back to you?

They do. That's awesome. No, people call back to like, I took your advice. And what was the latest thing that's coming? There's been so many. Like, I took your advice and I, now I can give a better blowjob or had a multiple orgasm or I, I found out when I'm probably remember this and best in Jamie and answering. 25 years, he's been with his wife and he, I called in, he's like, we've never talked

about our sex life. I was like, well, he's like, we haven't been having sex. I'm at the point of divorce. I was like, you know, I'll talk to him through it and he calls back. He said, I finally asked her and she didn't want to tell me it's, but she'd been having pain. And she felt, I was thinking, yeah, she said, I've been having pain and he said, so now I know from listening to your show,

what she should do and she's gonna get help. So people call back, we're on a journey together. I have a question, if we have a minute. Yes, we have a few minutes. So when people talk about their sexuality, right? And their sexual identity, and they don't identify as heterosexual, and they're dating, and maybe they, like bisexual is a good example, right?

Because I feel like that's a more complicated and nuanced term still. When do you recommend that people tell somebody on a date? I know it's on the apps a lot of the time, so it may just come out, but when do you recommend that either they tell or they talk about it? That's a really, yeah, because if they're bisexual, they're thinking if they say right away just so you know I'm bisexual and then someone might say, oh, I'm done. I can't do it. They're thinking if they say right away just so you know I'm bisexual and then someone might say oh well I'm done I'm done. I'm done. I'm doing it The thing I think about if they're bisexual that if you're out with somebody and it's known that it's a romantic date

Like it's not just like they're going out as friends correct. I feel like You know that you're there to like to see if you guys both connect sexually so to say oh and sometimes I also let's say it's a man and a woman going on sit and he oh, but sometimes I also see with men. Unless it's a huge part of his, you know, he's like, no, I need that every day or I'm in a relationship with a man. I feel like sooner than later, but it's a case by case basis also telling someone they're out with it just if it comes up in conversation about your sexual history or what you're intersectionally, but leading with it. Because I feel like leading with it, I mean, especially if there are other identities, like say you're in recovery or something else, right?

There are other identities that you're going to lead with when somebody says, we're not going to go to a bar because I can't drink. That's an identity you need to like, that's true. Put out there first. I am, I struggle with this. This is why I talk. Yeah. What do you tell? Because people to do and I just feel like, that's true, put out there first. I struggle with this, this is why I'm not saying. No, we talk, yeah. What do you tell?

Because people to do and I just feel like, I mean, I feel like before you're gonna be sexual, you have to. Yeah, but also do you wanna be, well, here's the thing. I also wanna say this, I think that what I often say is you don't wanna be with someone who's not accepting all of you. Thanks to my awesome team, Ken Kristen, Alisa, Brian,

our interns, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemlead.com.