Sex With Emily - Sex Snafus and How to Solve Them

Episode Date: August 23, 2017

Let’s get down to business… of getting busy! On today’s show, Emily is taking your calls and getting to the route of your sex and relationship issues to help you get back to the sex life you deserve! Can’t get passed your anal sex mental block? How do you tell your casual hookup they need a shower before you go down on them? Are you on the fence about having a MFM threesome with your girlfriend? Emily talks callers through these bedroom roadblocks and more, so listen in for some great, sexy advice! Thanks for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Intensity, UVee, Vibratex Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm taking your calls and helping you navigate your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, what to do when the sex has died in your relationship? How to get over anal anxiety? What to do when your partner isn't as fresh as a daisy? Why enhancing intimacy in your relationship will lead to better sex? And why we should all stop being so hard on our sexual selves?

Myself included. All this and more, thanks for listening. [♪ music playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing in background, playing Betrubized, they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta understand. It's a lie. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common moment?

What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I'm off here. So, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. You can easily subscribe to our podcast. And you can now listen to us on iHeartRadio. God, there are so many podcast platforms now. Spotify, Google Play, SoundCloud, all those things. I love it. And you guys, we've got someCloud, all those things. I love it.

And you guys, we've got some great blogs on our site. I think you'd really like. You should check it out. You guys were updating it all the time. And this one is trending this week. You guys love this one. Ethically sexy, porn with a plot. This is for women of the world who want porn, worth watching.

We've got some great recommendations. So check that out. Okay, guys, if you didn't already know, here at Sex with Emily, August is alternative sex month. And of guys, if you didn't already know, here it's actually with Emily. August is alternative sex month. And of course, we're having a contest, kind of like our master patient month contest, which was amazing. You guys said in so many cool submissions,

and we're doing it this month. We're celebrating how you're moving out of your comfort zone. How are you exploring new things or sensations? Are you opening a dialogue with your partner about stuff that you want to try and bed? Or are you trying new things that make you feel really good about yourself? Are you touching yourselves in different ways? What's outside of your sexual box? I want to know email me feedback at sexwiththemly.com and we will pick four winners who will receive

amazing sex surprises. And we love it through brief. I mean, if you two brief but the master wish month submissions while amazing It took us on a month to read them all because we read them all we love them. So be brief, but you know detailed but brief How's that? Thank you. Can we tear from you and always follow me in social media? We love hearing from you. I love hearing from you. I read all of your snaps all your posts everything It's awesome. So it's at sex with the Emily Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat and Twitter. Yeah, that's what we got for you.

I'm ready to get into the show, you guys. We've got some great calls lined up. If you have a question you want me to answer on the show, that is amazing. We make it so easy for you guys. Just text me. It's so easy. You just text ask Emily one word to 7979 and then immediately you get a link back. And when you get that link you can fill out the form, submit your question and it's easy.

And you can also do it on the website of course at sexwithmlle.com via the Ask Emily tab and as always include your gender, your age, where you live and how you listen to the show. And we're so excited to hear from you. Okay, we have Rose. She's 24 from Tampa, Florida, and she wants to talk about how to get her partner to take a shower before sex. Hi, Rose. Thanks for calling. Hi, Amelia. How are you? I'm so good. Happy to be talking to you. So tell me about what's going on. So I started having sex with this guy a few months ago on and off. And last time we had sex, I was going down on him, and I noticed it kind of smelled a little funky, but like after a day, yeah.

So how do I ask him to like take a shower? Right, I get it. I mean, this is a really, really great question. Because I think a lot of people are like, oh my god, they deal with this, or they just kind of plow through it. I think that the best thing is just like let's take a shower together. Like you probably maybe you already have shower you're like I don't want to shower again but that could be a great way to do it and say I think it'd be how do we take a shower right now?

Was that something you'd be comfortable saying or you don't want to be a part of it? You just want them to shower. I don't think we've been having sex long enough for that for me to be comfortable enough to ask them to take a to shower. I don't think we've been having sex long enough for that, for me to be comfortable enough to ask him to pick a shower. I don't know. Okay, because I'm thinking it's your casual sex and sex in the shower can be fun. So you could be like, why don't we jump in the shower? And if you're not comfortable with that, see here's the thing that I message I want to

get out there, is that you're not wrong, Rose. I think that for men and for women, when you're having sex, and I didn't learn this until like a little bit like, probably until I don't know a little bit later, or I put it better to learn earlier that before you have sex with somebody, you should wipe down. You should, if you think it could happen, it might happen. You go in the bathroom, you use some soap and water, you use a towel, and just wipe down. And so I feel like this is common knowledge, but apparently it's not, because I hear about this all the time.

What does he do for living? Is he come over after he's working all day? Is he do outdoor labor? Is he just like sitting in an office? We do work in an office. Okay. I think, this is, you know, I think you just say to him, I feel like this is such a tricky one.

I'm like thinking, I think I feel like you want to, hold on, I'm just trying to think here because if you don't want to share with him, I think you just have to say, I know. No, I know, it's funny because I usually, I've had this question a lot. I think you just say, babe, I love going down on you. It's so hot, whatever, but I just think,

I like to kind of wipe down before sex. Like after the day, this is what you say. Ready, Rose, hold on. Yeah. Hold on, my brain is is spinning with all the ideas. I think next time it comes over, does he come to your house? Are you going to his house, mostly? I go over.

OK, you go to his house. Yeah. So I think you could either say, you could say on the phone, do you guys, are you text, probably, right, beforehand? Yeah. You could say, I'm jumping in the shower, I'll be over, and you should jump in the shower too, because I can't wait to taste you or something.

I can't wait to. Good idea. Yeah, like, I'm jumping in the shower. You should too, because I'm going to be like all over you. Like, I want to eat you for dessert, or something like that, and make a play ball. Okay. So that's one thing.

The other thing you can do is when you get there, you'll be like, yeah, you know, you could just say to them, don't you want to shower after work? I feel like I always shower after work and I feel so much better. I feel so much fresher or whatever. And maybe he'll get the hint that way. Because here's the thing. And I know that in the show, I'm all about communication. You're like, you should just tell him he smells.

And I just feel like men could take that a little better than women, but I feel like it's still a really touchy thing. So, when you kiss, you could say, oh, you're so sexy, sweaty, you know, as soon as I kiss a guy, I'll be like, oh, you smell sweaty sexy. Or, you know what I mean, and then that might be a hint. And if you doesn't, you could say, you know what, when you guys are at a fling-run, say, you smell like I'm just wondering if you could maybe go wipe down or wash your hands and go clean up. I do that before sex, and I just think it's really how we do that. And again, I take my time to go take a shower before I go to over to his. So why doesn't he? Right.

I do think that you could say to him, I shower before I see you, and it would just feel really good to me, and it would make me feel cared for if you could dump in the shower before we have sex, and I can't wait to have sex with you. You can even start making out with him and heating him up and getting him turned on so it's not like you walk in, you're like, you didn't shower because that's not hot. So I think it's kind of part of your foreplay and you're like, okay, well after you go shower, then we're going to continue and you just kind of make it playful and have him jump in. And I do think you guys could jump in together.

That would be really fun too. think you guys could jump in together. That would be really fun too. But you would have to do that. Yeah, maybe later. Okay, good. So you got to do it. Maybe in the speech. Okay, I have fun with it.

Seriously. Thank you. I think so. Thanks for calling. Good luck with that. That's interesting, you guys, because I think that just listen to what I'm saying. I feel like, you know, clonliness is just,

it's important and hygiene and we're touching so many things at all day long, we're at work. And we feel better when we shower, we feel better when we're clean, we feel more confident. And you never know when sex is gonna happen. So why not always be prepared. We have Renee, she's 30 from Southwest Ohio,

and she wants to talk about this mental block she has about having anal sex. Hi Renee, thank you for calling. Hey, thanks so much for having me. I'm so excited. I'm so excited. Yeah, so tell me what's going on. Tell me the story.

You got a mental block around anal sex. Let's break it down. Yeah, so first of all, really quick history. I've always been pretty reluctant but very close-minded in what I've considered sex and sexual. But thanks to your podcast, I have been a lot more open, exploring different things. So it's really taken my sex life to the next level. And one thing that my boyfriend has always been really interested in is anal sex. He's always trying to stimulate the anus area during intercourse and then

I knew it was a big turn on for him, but it's always really freaked me out. So I've always just said absolutely not. But I feel recently I've been more open to things and you know I'm actually starting to think about it. I've read a lot about it. I feel like it could potentially feel really good. I've read a lot of people that said you know it does feel good. So I want to try it however every time I think about actually doing it, I just get really freaked out. Right, right. I know it's a huge turn on for him and he does so much for me to turn me on. Right.

But I just want to do something before you turn on for him. I got it. Okay. Well, let's talk about breaking it down then because it sounds like you're the whole, when you think about it, you're like, oh my God, his penis is inside of my butt and it's going to get me to anxiety. So let's break it down until like smaller chunks. So if you think about it, you said that it does, he's trying to like touch you. And that's kind of the right way to do it. So I

feel like that, that to take it into small, small chunks would mean that he should just start to stimulate your anus, you know, using some lube, using his fingers and not actually going inside yet. So just you getting comfortable with how it feels, because there's a lot of nerve endings on the outside, so it could feel really good to you. Maybe not. I mean, probably, I think it will, if you're relaxed. So here's the other thing about anal sex.

So, I'm going to, well, first of all, I'm going to tell you that I want to teach you different parts so you could break it down. But the number one problem, I think, with anal is exactly what you're saying is that even people who want to have anal sex, and they're really excited about it, or they are just, they're ready, the problems come in where we're too anxious and we don't breathe. And so the thing happens is when we tense up, right? And then you're like clenching, you know, your sphincter muscles, which is exactly what needs to be relaxed, You can enjoy anal sex. The practice of just breathing and relaxing into your body is just a great practice to have

always, especially when you're having sex. Then when you're moving into anal, so I feel like when he starts to touch you, they're like, let him know. I'm ready to explore, but let's just start with touch. You just be lying there. It really helps to be turned on. Maybe maybe you like, he goes down to you and you have an orgasm, like a literal orgasm or you have sex even or rather than just like combining it,

I think actually would be a great part of four play. And he could just start touching you with his finger and you're breathing, right? You're consciously like, like deep breaths, right? Like all through your body, like in, you know, in through your nose, like out through your mouth, but you're like breathing down, like deep breaths to your pelvic floor, so you're open

and you're not just connected at all, right? And you just keep breathing. And then you see how that feels. And then you could like, maybe stick a pinky in the next time, or like in the next week. And then you feel that feels. And then you could try like a butt plug. And then maybe you could move into anal.

I'm sure you said you've read a lot about it. We've talked about like ways to have anal sex on the show. But I think that if you go slow and you know that it's not just going to happen in one felt sweep, how does that feel to you? How does that sound to you? So it sounds good. We actually have done.

I did let him use a finger. I actually let him do it twice. The first time was not very enjoyable. We didn't view flu. You didn't? But it was, it's done. It was like, yeah, kind of, we would view flu, but it's kind of done. Oh, okay.

You've got to get the anal sex flu from Joe. Okay. Anyway, I'll tell you that after. Yeah. Okay. You need the right flu. And it's done. I think it's the better the second time that I let him do it.

But afterwards, it was just afterwards it was just that whole idea that it just felt weird afterwards, like mentally I felt weird, and that's why I realized this is just a mental thing. Right, I'm trying to get over. So you're feeling like, because you're feeling there's some taboo around it, and that the butt's only for exiting,

anything's exiting, not entering that kind of thing, like it's really the next level of taboo. Is that what you think in your brain, you're like that's wrong? You're violating? I think so, yes. Okay. And, you know, like I mentioned a little earlier, you know, this, I have just gotten more into, like sexual exploration recently.

So, I mean, there's been a lot of times that I've just had sex just to have sex, you know, and I've gotten past that and realized that I can enjoy it. Yeah. So, this is still all very new for me. So, I don't know if some of it's coming from that. I think maybe if I just, like you said,

maybe I just need to keep trying small things. Yeah. It turns me on to turn him on. Right. And vice versa, I'm sure turns him on to turn you on. That's super healthy. And here's the other thing. I want to take the pressure off yourself. First of all, Renee, let me tell you this. I'm so proud of you.

And that's just, that's really amazing that you actually have, let's do the show and you've been inspired and you actually see changes in your sex life. People go their entire lives and they have sex the same exact way over and over again. So the fact that you're like, I'm open and I'm doing more is amazing. in your sex life, people go their entire lives and they have sex the same exact way over and over again. So the fact that you're like, I'm open and I'm doing more is amazing. So maybe we take anal off the table for a while. And you're like, you know what? That still makes me anxious and I'm not ready yet.

And maybe you have this pressure, you know what I mean? And you'll help me cool with that. I think he should be your boyfriend and then see if you can kind of work it in, you know, later when you feel it, it's better for you and you feel like it's the right time. And then I think it'll naturally happen because there's probably so many other things that would turn them on too, right? But you're focused on the one thing you're not doing it,

but yet you're doing all these other things, which is amazing. So maybe turn a little too fast for you. You've got to catch up with what you're doing with your body, like your head, your body, you have to kind of be aligned here. I don't want you to pressure yourself because it's really not about having to

indefinitely use lube always always the right kind of label. That's important. How does that sound? Yeah, no, that does sound good. Maybe I think you're right. I need to take the pressure off myself. It just removes, but just remove it out of my mind completely and then.

And let it go. It steps until it feels okay. Exactly. And maybe during masturbation, if you want to play with it on your own, and use a finger, use a lube, when you're fantasizing, masturbating. And so you get comfortable with it.

Just like I always tell women to explore their own body's first because we know best what feels good to us. So you can kind of work that in, no pressure. Again, I don't want you to feel. But I think you're doing great work. So yeah, but just go easy on yourself. So I have a really short second part to my part and also doing a little bit of thinking about this.

I also feel like maybe because I think the natural, I don't know, I've never actually had anal. I think the natural position is to be in a doggy style, similar position. And whenever I do that with regular intercourse, I mean, I know a lot of women really love it, but I don't enjoy it. It feels really tight. Like I can feel my vagina is filling up with air that makes any sense at all.

And so I don't know if that's maybe I'm adding extra like, linking on. Because of that, I feel like it's going to be the same. Mm-hmm. I got it. You're linking it up. I totally make sense. And I got a tight sling. It's not actually not the, I mean, it's a common position but you can have anal sex lying on your back

and you lift your legs up. It's like your missionary position but is, penis is going in your anus. You could also have it in the spooning position is another really popular first time position for anal. So doggie style, I think, is one of the options, but not the only option. And that is popular to people think,

because you just assume that it is doggie style, and maybe porn it is more so. But you could definitely have it on your back, or in the spooning position. So maybe just kind of reframe it like that. That might feel better to you too. Okay, okay. Yeah. Right. That's how great you too. Okay, okay. Yeah.

Right. That's very looking cute. Yeah, you're so welcome. But also the doggie style thing. I mean, did you want to go into why you feel anxiety there? Or do you just, I didn't know you had a question about that. Or if it was just more about anal, I just want to make sure we're taking care of everything for you here.

No, no, that's the biggest, I mean, anal, it's been weighing on me a lot. I mean, we've been together for a really long time. So obviously, he hasn't pressured me into this at all. He's been happy without it for a very long time. But, but it's still, yeah, I just, that was the main thing, but the, the doggy style, yeah, I just feel like everyone, woman just like raves about it and I don't think not something I've ever been able

to find enjoyment. No, that's fine. You know, a lot, it and I don't think not something I've ever been able to find enjoyment. No, that's fine. You know what? I don't hear that. I hear that it's men rave about it. And women are like some women like it, some women don't. But a lot of women just need more clitoral stimulation. So you might want to like use your fingers, hold up a small

vibe, but some people just don't like how it feels. You're totally, that's completely typical. You're cool. You're good. You're all good. I'm happy for you. Keep doing you. Awesome. Take care of yourself. Awesome. You're good. You're all good. I'm happy for you. Keep doing you. Awesome. Take care of yourself.

Awesome. Thanks for me. Thanks for me. So good to talk to you. Thanks, you too. I appreciate all the help you guys. Yes, you're so welcome. I love hearing from you. Thank you. Bye. Bye. That was interesting because her question was about anal, but we found two things out that we all assume that everybody else is doing sex a certain way

and that we're failing, right? So Renee assumes that everybody woman's in like anal or that every woman's like doggy style position, which I don't assume that everybody likes anything, right? And so I think it's totally okay to say, you know what, that's not my thing, I've tried it, doesn't feel right, and these other things do feel good to me.

So that's totally okay. And I like that she's asking really about how to make anal sex better or how to make it enjoyable, but you shouldn't really rush into any sex act. If you don't feel like you're ready, and then it's your time. And also use a lot of lube, if I didn't emphasize that enough, use lube. And Joe has anal lube. How great is that? Yep, it's for anal sex. Okay, now we're going to take a quick break and give a shout out to our sponsors.

Thank you for supporting them and thanks for supporting the show. You guys, I love you. We'll be right back. Okay, we have William. He's 43 from Colorado and he's conflicted. I felt like his relationship has fallen flat with some major challenges going on. Hi, William. Hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. I'm happy to talk to you. So tell me about what's going on.

Okay, so we're going to move forward a little over two years now to kind of preset this. My wife passed away, like, right before we started dating, she had cancer, so she had cancer for 14 and a half months. And at first, I didn't think I wanted to, you know, date or go out or anything, but after about two weeks of sitting a whole, I was like, I can't do this anymore. I got our center started meeting some people. And I met this girl and just from the instant we met it felt there was a spark right away.

And you know, and we started doing really good and everything for a couple months and then it just started going flat. She was really distant with me. And after probably, I don't know, six, seven months after that, I started getting nosy because before when she would just get distant with me, she would tell me she was talking to an ex or whatever. And then, so then I started getting curious because then she wasn't telling me. So I started looking at an interface book and stuff, and which that's where the where the sabotaging part comes in as if I was sabotaging myself by doing it. Right.

You know, I know she would never cheat on me. I know, I mean, I just, there's no right intimacy, no passion, no nothing. So that's the problem right? You're trying to find, right? You know, in between all the books that I've read and everything like that, it's like, you know, we have a good relationship everywhere else, but in the intimacy part department. And it's like, you know, I read one book that had the 80-20 concept, you know, what you give up the 80% that you have to go get the 20% that you're missing.

Where, you know, and you may miss out on that other 80% and, you other 80%. I just conflict with myself so many times. Like I said, I've read so many books and listened to you and all of this other stuff that with her talking to Rex is I feel like it's not in the benefit of us because it's putting her, where her relationships ended, I mean, she had a cheat on her and stuff like that. So I just had a loss. Okay, I got it. And stuff like that. So it's, you know, I just, I had a loss. Okay, I got it. Okay, so let me understand this. So you're, how long have you married your wife for? Fourteen years, that you said?

We were married for 13 years. 13 years, and then you said that she passed away two years ago? Two and a half years ago? Yeah, two and a half years ago. Okay, and that sounded like that was a really tough time. I'm sure. So, wow, you've been through a lot. And so then you started dating two weeks later, you started doing this other woman. Yeah. Which, okay, to me, there's a few things going on here. I feel like that's really soon to jump into something else, and I'm not sure that you've done all

the healing that you need to do about losing your wife. That's pretty quick, 14 months, that she was sick. And I understand that sense of being home and not wanting to be alone. And it just feels so good to be with somebody, to be with anybody, you know, then to be alone with your feelings and grieving. And so that was the first thing I heard when you said this, you're like two weeks later. And it's pretty much a requirement that this healing and this grieving process, have you been in therapy at all? Have you talked to anybody about losing your wife? And when she was sick, yeah, because,

I mean, like I said, she had cancer 14 and a half months. We were told in the beginning it was non-curable. So I started grieving at that point, because the cancer she had was, she was only supposed to live six to nine months. Okay. And she lasted 14 and a half months. So I was talking to a counselor through all of that

because, you know, through the whole grieving process with the anger and all of that. You know, I went through all of that process with, you know, through the counselor and with that. All right. You know, she tried setting me up with people that she knew before she passed because she knew that if I didn't start seeing somebody,

that I probably wouldn't have been too far behind her because I wouldn't have taken care of myself. I mean, I didn't take care of myself the 14 and a half months she was sick because of, you know, between working and taking care of her. You know, I didn't take care of myself. Okay.

So I'm glad that you did some work around that and then so you moved into this new relationship. And so with this woman, the sex was great at the beginning. Part of the sex. Well, we've never had sex, but she would let me, you know, she would let me go down on hers,

she would go down on me, we would pull around and then probably like three months into it, but two months into it, it just like stopped. Okay, so she's been your girlfriend for two years, but you haven't had sex yet? No.

Okay, so to me, I feel like maybe she's not, I mean, that's interesting, that you haven't had sex. Why do you think you haven't had sex? Well, I mean, every time we've brought it up, it's always been an excuse. First it was she was unhappy in the place she was living in. Then it was, her daughter was living with us because we've moved in and

got a place to rent, you know, rent together so we could, you know, cut down on. Okay. So you taking care of her, mostly you paying for her life, her kids. Yeah. Well, her daughter was there and her daughter moved to Hawaii. I mean, it was just an excuse after an excuse after an excuse. Yeah. And this doesn't sound like a really healthy relationship for me because I am telling you, like, you guys moving together right away, you haven't had an intercut, like, you have never had sex, you've only gone down in her a few times. And she's, you know, might be stringing you long and talking to her ex-boyfriends and I don't know what I mean, I didn't read the messages, but to me, it just sounds like it's

not a healthy relationship. It doesn't really sound like it's a relationship if you're not having sexual relations at all or you're not having intimacy and you're not communicating very well. So I don't even think it's about fixing the sex life. I feel like you actually do need some time. The fact that you're living with her right after,

you know what I mean? You're with your wife for 14 years. Do you know what I'm saying here? I feel like it's not about that. I feel like you need to live on your own and learn how to take care of yourself and figure out what you really want in a relationship moving forward. But I don't think this sounds healthy.

Okay. Okay. You should be having sex. You should want to. You've gone down in a few times, you know what I'm saying? So I know the top of this tough. I've gone down. I've gone down on her in quite a few times.

You know, every time I do, I mean, she has an orgasm every time. And she's told me, you know, because like, in the beginning, it was once a night, once every night, everything, you know, it could be in the morning, you know, but she has an orgasm. No, that's great. She told me that she's never had anybody give her oral or, you know, with the finger, give her an orgasm,

like I used to give her. Right, that's amazing, but I don't know why, you know, why you guys are having sex. And how is she younger than you? What partner? How old is she? You're 43, how old is she? She's 46.

Okay, so she's older than you. Yeah, I'm not sure. I mean to me that you guys live together and having sex, I feel like you need to, there's some changes you gotta make in this relationship. So I would just be honest with her, like if you guys want to work on your relationship, work on the sex life. It's not even about the ex-boyfriends, but to me, it doesn't sound very healthy. And I'd really like you to,

you can take care of yourself, like, and I think that would really help you right now to learn what that means, how to nurture yourself, how to take care of yourself, and then you'll be able to figure out what you want and move into a healthy relationship. Okay, William, can you do that? I can do that.

Okay, that's what she got to do here. I don't like this. Doesn't sound good to me. She's not treating you well at all. And you sound like a loving man and you take care of her. Yeah. You need to be with someone who respects you and who loves you and who appreciates all the love that you have to give.

And you're not with that person right now. Okay. Well, I appreciate that. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Thanks, William. Thanks for calling in.

I got you. Keep me posted. okay, take care of yourself, okay, bye. Man, that is tough, you guys, but really, I think it's so hard, I'm so glad that I had a chance to talk to William because really a lot of times we're just sitting in these things by ourselves and we're trying to figure out what's wrong and sometimes just saying it out loud and talking to him, well, this is not a girlfriend, you know, it's true, like, we can make excuses, I think a lot of us do that and so, I think it's really helpful to pull back. And we have to realize that we deserve to be loved the way that we love. And we deserve to be treated the way we want to be treated. And we all deserve that.

We can all have that. We just have to demand it. We have to realize exactly what we want and how we want to feel. So thank you, William. OK, we have Mike. He's 27 from Chicago, and he wants some advice on some intimacy. And his wife might only want sex for procreation.

So we need to talk about that. Hi, Mike. Hey, I was a go on Emily. I'm good. How are you? Tell me what's going on. How can I help you? Let's break this down.

Good. Yeah. So you'll, I've been with my wife for about five years now. We've been married for the last year and a half. And you're just kind of consistently you've seen the trend kind of going down that you would tend to be intimate a little less frequently and then even when we are intimate you know just kind of her desire or willingness to be open to trying new things especially for play it's one of the big things

you know I'm really for for play and play. Good, you're my man. It doesn't seem to ever really be super receptive of it. And over the past couple of months, I've kind of figured out that it's through conversations with her that it kind of comes down to her. She has, I feel like she has a very negative self-body image. And then also just issues as far as you'll lack a self confidence. It was just wondering if you had any suggestions

on ways I might be able to help improve that. Oh yeah, I mean, that's, well, the thing is about self confidence and body image. I mean, that's an inside job. So that's something that she's gonna have to work on. And you can definitely be there and support her. And I'm sure that you tell her how beautiful she is and how attracted to you are, which is great.

I think that we all want to hear that. But the fact that this circle's around her feeling like she's not in the mood for sex because she doesn't feel great about her body is something that's probably been going on, you know, a long time before you guys got together. I don't know if it was there something that changed recently with her with her health or with her body or anything. No, not really.

I mean, this is more just a general trend over the five years I've known her, you're the last four years. I kind of exclude these past seven months just because we are expecting our first kid to obviously, you'll pregnancy effects, you'll lot of her hormones and whatnot. But even before we decided to have kids, it's kind of still the same. It consistently kind of got a little less, a little more sporadic, a little less frequent, and just do a lot of the physical intimacy is kind of just, even just do basic, you hugging, touching, kissing, making out, not even full-blown sex,

it has gone by the way. Yeah, which is, you know, just so you know, it's very typical for long-term relationships common for this to happen in a relationship, but it sounds like also like you're wanting intimacy, you're wanting connection, and right now she's pregnant, so how many months pregnant is she? She's now beginning beginner eight month. So she's close. So I think that really, I mean, there's gotta be,

I feel like it could be about body image. It could be a lot of those things, but also I'm wondering if there's ways that she would make her feel more connected to if you guys, I mean, right now with the kid, we can get into like, after the baby, it's gonna be a little while, but which I think what she's gonna need for me

is to really feel like you're there for her and you're holding space and you're supporting her, maybe just like giving to her and not expecting to receive anything back. So if it's, you know, giving her a massage, like foot massage, you know, helping her around the house when the baby comes, like being very responsive to all of that.

Have you guys talked about your sex life? I mean, I know you said that she's... You've kind of figured out that it's about body image issues, but you've kind of brought it up to her if we're how important it is to you. Yeah, we've been very open, and you've been communicating a lot, especially the last three years,

since I started noticing a change. And she says a lot of it is, she just wants me to be more patient and that it's just something that she's got to work on. Every now and then, she'll have talks and she'll say, okay, I want to do more of this. And then the weeks will go by and she'll keep telling me that she wants to do this. Right, right. I got it. I got Okay. I got it.

I approach it in different ways. I get it. It's really hard to change behavior. So for example, what does she say she wants she's going to do? For instance, like she said that she wants to, you know, try giving me low jobs more frequently. Right. And she doesn't because she doesn't even know where to start. Like she's down the mood the mood She walks in so I feel like we have to work on is you like getting her aroused because men and women are so different Right like you're turned on she's not just gonna walk in and be like I'm gonna give you a blowjob when she's not even thinking about sex She's not feeling sexual so that's why I think this all has to go back to you giving what you want to get So more intimacy more touching more backrobs with like even taking sex off the table She's not just gonna walk in and give you a blowjob.

Like it's just not gonna happen. Like I thought you were gonna say, because what I think is she's gotta get really comfortable with her body, so she actually needs to be masturbating more. And touching herself and figuring out what makes her feel good, but she's probably not gonna be doing that right now. I should give a new baby. So I feel like it's gonna be stuff that you're gonna be

giving to her and then maybe eventually some mutual masturbation so you guys can both, like you're there in the moment and you're both getting turned on together. Because again, it's this whole getting her turned on and aroused and ready for sex and making her feel comfortable and safe with you, like, nurturing, giving to her. And then she'll be able to give back to you. So I feel like it's the way you're approaching.

Like, having it, like, if her, like, to do this is blowjob, I don't think it's going to happen. It needs to be more of like a, let's just connect. I want to feel connected to, I want to make you feel good and figuring that out. Because once she feels good and she feels better, her body, and she's, you know, enjoying sexy feels connected to you, then it'll just come back, come right back to you and you'll start getting those blow jobs and feeling connected to her. And if there's no change in it, you know, and if it really is like going out with her body,

images like, I mean, she gets some therapy, she could talk about it, but you can't solve it for her. Do you know what I'm saying? As much as you try and you love her. But I think that just- So just be patient and you're trying to do you deal with the body of tips you said, you're like massage.

Massage is amazing. Like just say nothing. Yeah. What we said, sorry, we're using something else. Yeah, massage, massage and her feet, nurturing, taking care of her, relaxing her, she's probably stressed out. Just getting rid of all that tension, drawing her a bath, doing those things for her to make her feel in her body and make her feel connected.

And then, you're intimacy and your connection will hopefully come back. So just say approach, okay, good luck and congratulations on the baby, Mike. Well, thank you so much. Keep me posted. Have a good night. Bye. It's funny. I get a lot of emails from many who are expecting their first child or second child and their wife is pregnant. I think it gives them time to pause and think about like, what's going on in our relationship? You know, what's really happening? And I think that a lot of couples kind of lose their way. They lose this connection that they once had in the intimacy and I think that just like the anal sex thing, if you take sex off the table and you just bring back the touching,

the cuddling, the kissing, you guys like why is making out one of the first thing that goes into relationship. You kind of bring all that stuff and you work on that stuff and the other sex will heal itself and we'll come around. So that's the case there. Thank you, Mike. Okay, we have Anthony. He's 31 from Boulder and his girlfriend wants

to try a male, female, male, three-sum. And he's a little on the fence. Hi, Anthony. Hi, how you doing? I'm so good. How are you doing? I want to help you out with this. Tell me what's going on.

Yeah, so Mike, girlfriend and I have been dating for about two years, and we both have been in open relationships before. So yeah, we started out a relationship, kind of bringing others into our bedroom, so to speak. So we've had a lot of configurations of male, female, female threesomes, four sums with couples, four sums with just friends of ours.

You guys are a good time. Okay. And in Orgis before. So the next configuration that we want to try is male, female, male, three sums. And I just can't seem to wrap my head around the insecurities that I'm feeling going into actually like searching for a third to bring in. Okay. Tell me about those insecurities. What are you feeling? It's kind of weird because I haven't really ever felt these insecurities with other people

that we've hooked up with before. You know, like guys in a couple don't really give me any insecurities, but for some reason, just the idea of bringing in a third guy just like makes me feel uncomfortable. Okay, like feeling like you feel like you have to perform on him or more like insecure about your pleasure, like if he would please her more than you, or because I do a lot of guys are like, I't want another penis there like with me you know like I want to take in the room you know so yeah I don't think it's um it's the uh them pleasing her in a different way or better than I am because I've seen her get pleased by many different individuals and I very much enjoy it. I think it's more the guys' intention in the threesome. And it might be just like the people that we've interacted with trying to bring them in.

Oh, his intention. Let's talk about that. Yeah. OK. What do you think his intention could be? In your worst case scenario. A lot of the time. So we found a lot of these potential

firms on social media, like social dating, sites, and stuff, like Tinder and Field. Yeah, Field. Field is taken off. It's a little printer. Yep. And just to feel like the guys that respond, usually they just might not be quality guys.

Like they try to flirt with her separately, text her separately, interact with her separately, and that's where I get uncomfortable. Not that I'm uncomfortable with her or thinking that she's going to leave me for these guys or something like that, but that it's not like a group effort. Right. You understand that. Okay. So here's my question. How is your relationship right now with your girlfriend? Fantastic.

It's absolutely great. She actually, we were dating on distance for about three months. And she finally moved here to Boulder. And she's been here for, I don't know, a week. Yeah, almost a week. So you guys have been together? You've been together three and a half months uh... no we were separated for two and a half months we've been together for

like uh... two years okay got it i don't make sure because i think that's a few of these insecurities could be coming because well you kind of got a sense that maybe she you know was dating or flirting with other men and you found it out because to me like you would have to have a lot of confidence to have like the orgies and the four sums and all that and the fact that this one That there's some guys you seem like they're flirting and they're not being really respectful to me

It's just like I was thinking that maybe you guys were in a place that gave you pause or something happened Where she was with another guy and didn't tell you there was like a cheating incident that's giving you little insecurity around this But it sounds like that didn't happen. Yeah. I have been cheated on a bunch before, which I'm kind of thinking is not by her, but by other women in my past, which is kind of writing things. Well that's what the sounds like. Maybe some of the insecurity is coming in. Absolutely. That's what that neuro pathway and our brain, like you have that path.

Like you're like, okay, this is triggering that. This is making me feel like she could cheat. She could leave me these guys, or saying these things, and they're kind of, it literally just takes like one person cheating on you, and I swear to God that just can just stick with you until you are in a healthier relationship and you get to work it through. So it sounds to me like it's triggering that response because it seems like you guys are in a trustworthy place, you're not worried about having another guy there. It's really just about their intention.

And so I think that if you're not finding the guys on the app, maybe it has to be in person or what you could do is, you know, there might be like, swing your part, you're in Boulder, right? They're probably be play parties or you could just go meet people in person. But also, you could just maybe agree to have coffee with the person first. Yeah.

And just let them know, like this is how we are, this how we operate, show up like United, you know? So you could find someone. Yeah. Or maybe you're not ready at either. Here's the other thing. I think this is like the theme of today's show that we've had other colors to the people. We pressure ourselves into things because we so badly want to please our partners and we

want to do something that makes them feel good, but maybe we're not there yet. Like maybe you're just not there yet. Like maybe you'll have it eventually because it sounds like you guys are doing a lot of fun things, but you're not ready for yet. Right. And I think it might be helpful to let her know that that's what you think it is. You know, and it might be relief. And then she'd be like, oh, I get a babe.

Let's try to find someone who's a good guy who isn't making those kind of moves. I feel kind of sketchy. So I think you just got to be open and honest about it. And don't pressure yourself into it if you're not ready, because those situations never come out well, especially with sex. Yeah, definitely. Definitely. Yeah, I just kind of feel a little silly that it's like the last hurdle.

It's the only configuration that we haven't done with. You guys are amazing. I mean, I feel like you'll do it. But what's the part, you know what I mean? Like she just moved there a week ago. Finally, you guys are the same place. It's really exciting. I feel like you're like, no, we have to conquer the MFM

three some, like, I mean, think you can and you will. But it sounds like, you know, this has come up for you and it's triggering some emotions that maybe you could talk to her about and, you know, I think that there's other ways to find guys that aren't like that. You might have to keep looking though. But while you're looking to find that guy

who doesn't kind of make those things known, maybe it's a guy who's in an open relationship himself, you know what I'm saying? Not just a single guy, but a guy who's in open relationship who wants to experience this or just someone that you trust, but you'll find that person. But also, you know, if this is your girlfriend, you love her, like, I think it'd be helpful to share with her that this comes up for you. That this is a spot for you that has some tenderness and that's been an issue if you're in the past. Just let her know, that that's what it's about.

And it's not that you don't trust her. Yeah, okay, cool. Well, I think you're gonna get this, it'll happen for you, Anthony, soon enough, but just go easy on on yourself and have fun. I mean, I don't even see any to tell you that but Jesus sounds like you have an Great time. I love it Fantastic. Yeah, thanks for the call. Okay, of course. Thank you, Anthony I think that that is a theme of the show. I think that we are all trying to pressure ourselves and we want we want to please our partners and we're trying to you know Kind of advance the places where we're just not ready yet. And I appreciate that we all have so much love and we want to feel, you know,

desire by our partners, but you gotta listen to your body. I mean, you really, like our bodies have all the information that we need. And I think a lot of us are just, we're so in our heads, we're not connected. And we don't even know why we're doing certain things and sex isn't feel good. It's like that's where you get the information. So slow down, breathe, don't force yourself into any sexual situation that you're just not ready for. It's okay. Like I always say there's not like a sex police. It's going to come in knocking your door and say you have not had a male male female. Three of them, what is wrong with you

guys? You guys are all putting all this pressure on yourself. So first and foremost, feel good about yourself, where you're out with your partner, talk to them a little bit more about this. I think they will respect you, understand you, and then you'll get more insight into yourself, where you're out with your partner, talk to them a little bit more about this. I think they will respect you, understand you, and then you'll get more insight into yourself, and you'll take the steps necessary that you need to really have that healthy sex life, try that new thing when you're ready. No pressure, as I like to say,

especially not the pressure on yourself. I think we're all really hard on ourselves, including me, I'm very hard on myself. But now right now, I love you all. I actually feel very good right now. That was a great show. Thank you everybody for calling and for emailing and for being available and just for being just amazing listeners and for reaching out and I love reading on your messages and

for following me on social media, Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. It's all at Sex with Emily. And thanks to my amazing team, Ken, Jamie, our interns Shannon and Marley, producer, Lark and Michael. And thanks everyone for listening. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithemley.com.