Sex With Emily - Sex Talk, Interrupted

Episode Date: December 20, 2017

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Anderson and the two are helping callers embrace sexy opportunities and be their most confident selves – on a date and in the bedroom. They talk about how to communicate your needs to a partner and have them actually hear you, what to do when one person avoids sex talk altogether, and how to detox from a toxic ex who made you question your own sexiness. Plus, Emily catches us up on her most recent sex adventure – because there’s no shame in a hot hook up. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Shop With Emily, Mystery Vibe, Intensity, System JO Jellies Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, I'm here with Anderson and we're taking your calls about sex and relationships. Topics include tips to be your most confident self on a date, what to do when one of you avoids the sex talk, how to detox from a toxic ex who made you question your own sexiness, because hey, you're hot. The best way to communicate your needs to a partner so they'll actually hear you, and I catch you up on my most recent sex adventure. All this and more, thanks for listening. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, but we're just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between for more information. Go to sexwithemity.com because it's a party there. It's a party of content of information that you need to have better sex and relationships

and follow me on Instagram. I feel like following me. Why should you follow me in all my social media? Because you're gonna be inspired and learn stuff and where I'm in contests and things you on Instagram. I feel like following me. Why should you follow me in all my social media? Because you're gonna be inspired and learn stuff and we're having contests and things you wanna win. And I love hearing from you when you all DM me. It's awesome. So it's all at sex with Emily across the board.

And it's, I'm here with Anderson. Hey, DM me. I'm from Anderson. DM me. DM me. That's direct message for all you old folks. Yeah. And you don't text me back.

I'm sorry, I meant to. I will. And you you're here now it all worked out because um, you know It's almost how I was worried about you because you're one of these people that text back like if you don't text back There's something wrong with you. I got a couple like you're wrong actually I got a couple granola friends who like don't text back They don't like they claim not to know how to use your phone their phones, but you're you're pretty good You're conscientious. So I was concerned about it. It's the follow through. Like I read it and then I'm like reply and then something else. Look, a puppy. I can show you. Oh my phone. The history. You always reply to me. Okay. I was worried about you. Okay.

It's not you. It's me. It's really good to see you. Look fantastic. Thank you. Actually, I don't know if this is wrong to ask a woman, but I asked if you've had any work done since I last saw you because you look that good. I don't know. I'm not. Was that offensive though? No, not like what kind of work would I do? I don't know. Just work it. This looks really good. I've had facials instead. You're taking good care of yourself.

And you look fantastic. Thank you, I feel fantastic. And it's holidays. So, to the most of the holidays, are you a holidaying? Doing stuff fun? I'm crafty this year. I'm putting together, oh, I got the greatest gift I get.

I stole it from my friend. Actually, you know what my same friend Who's granola who I forgive when he doesn't take me back? The crafts. Yeah, there's these things I gave this to my wife for her birthday And this is like I actually thought of your show when I was giving it to her It's my favorite gift I've ever given anyone and you can it just takes a while So there's these types of already not doing it, but go ahead. I've ever heard of a type set drawer Like from the olden days where they they used to like, you know,

do like newsprint and stuff, and they had these drawers or some, their skinny, you can look them up on eBay, they sell them, and they're really old, and they put like the all the little letters and the different little boxes, little squares. And it makes like 198 different little like compartments, and I got 198 pictures of,

are the first five years of our relationship, of our married relationship. Cut them all up, and I put them all in there, and it took me hours and hours and hours, but now it hangs of our relationship, of our married relationship, cut them all up and I put them all in there and it took me hours and hours and hours but now it hangs on our wall and it's the coolest, kitchiest looking thing that just shows like our last five years and they're like a timestamp.

That's beautiful, I want to see it. I got a picture of those two. Okay, that's really loving. Yeah, that's so, and it's in the cost of like less than a hundred bucks, it just took a lot of time and caring and effort and she absolutely loved it. Oh my God, honey, that's really sweet loving

I was gonna get someone to give card like that Target yeah, I ordered online email to I was so excited. I saw my fray was in my friends house And I'm like I'm stealing that idea. That's genius. That's pretty great. So typeset just search typeset Okay, what can I pay someone to put the pictures in and find the pictures? No, do that's really loving So that's awesome and it's I'm going to see my mom in Florida. Oh, cool. It's Florida, but I love my mom. And I'm so glad you did that.

For the holidays, yeah, Christmas hot. And it's Hanukkah and Christmas and all that. And so you guys, listening, I know if you're like me last minute gift shopper, you can still have fun holidaying, get some cool gifts. Go to our website, we have a new store on our website which I'm obsessed with. It looks really, I just love it. The big user interface is really cool, there's all of our favorite toys, so you can go shopping

there, we've got gift guides on our site, if you want to know what to buy last minute, and I just thought of the good idea was that if you are like me maybe in last minute with gifts that you just don't even time for to get there, first of all, I don't think that anyone cares if the ribator shows up at beauties after Christmas. If you want to or their toy or their pleasure product. That'd be better, because I mean, Christmas is a religious holiday. You know what I mean?

You don't want those stocking vibrating, but if you get like the thing and you're like, oh cool, I get it two days later. Yeah, perfect. Okay, do the, do the, do the, what I was saying before the show. Yeah. I think maybe a gift card and then you can go shop with that

on that, you know, Christmas day or later that night and figure out what you got. Give them a gift card and then you can go shop with it on that Christmas day or later that night and figure out what you got. Give them a gift card that says, we're going to go shopping to our local sex-day store and I'm going to buy you something, we're going to hotel room, something, make it a thing, like an experience of shopping together or buying something too. So you could do that. We're also having a contest, a better lover 2018. How will you be a better lover going into 2018?

So think about it right now. Where are you at in your life? Where do you want to be? Like, do you want to still be having sex or be in your relationship the same way you are? You're from now. If that's not the case, and there's something you want to change,

write it down and email us how you'd like to be a better lover in 2018. Maybe you want to make your communication stronger, break out of your routine, get more of messages, give messages to each other. And I might not always be more to it, could be less sex. It could be like, maybe like less porn. Less. Less porn.

It could be an individual that you have to be in a relationship right exactly or masturbate more. Or I'm going to ask for what I want in bed finally for the first time because I've never done that. There's been this one thing I want to try. How old are you when you finally tried asked ask what you wanted Took you a long time ago So long

Well, have I met the time I started doing the show so that was no you guys you got your voice your bed voice Yeah, but it's you don't gotta say it. It's challenging But once you do it you get used to it So I'm like every time I do it I got to read the situation and be like wait till after or how is he gonna take it? It is awkward. It's always off But it's the fast track to getting everything you want in bed. And to having better sex, that's pleasurable for both partners or for yourself, we gotta just focus on it.

But what we're saying about misogyn, just separate from my own massage story that I really believe that since stress is one of the biggest killers of our sex drive, which we always say that, and couples feel like they're not turned on at the same time, or women take a little more time to get turned on. If you just grab your partner,

both give him a massage for like 10, 15 minutes, goes both ways, men, women, whoever you're with, it will just sink you into your body, you're breathing, and then you're like, oh, no, I might be ready for sex. So I feel like it's a totally overlooked. Well, I've been saying to you for years that like every guy has an on button, and it's a matter of finding that on button. I'm not sure that every girl does, but I'm a totally overlooked. Well, I've been saying to you for years that every guy has an on button and it's a matter of finding that on button.

I'm not sure that every girl does, but I'm a guy and I know I have an on button. If you want to- Isn't it just like your penis? No, there's different ways, but Agamasage would be one way. Yeah. These women that I hear say that their husband

or boyfriend won't have sex with them anymore, I think that they're just not trying to find the on button. Really? Okay, so meeting they don't have to turn them on. You mean like, physically on our body, or maybe she needs to hear her say something, or wear something, or do something. Yeah, do something.

A lot of the time I think girls are a little bit timid, and they might just kind of like try and show signs, but they're like really subtle, and the guy won't pick up on it, because of the STNs. Oh, and he's cheating, sax. Yeah. 2018 Better Love, or email me feedback at saxwithelmee.com. By January 14th, email your submissions, and you lover email me feedback at sex with LME.com by January 14th emails your submissions

And you'll win one of four sexy prizes. We're gonna read your submissions if you're cool with that put better lover 2018 in the subject line when you're entering the contest. It's good to see you Yeah, I was gonna bring Stanley here your favorite little four-leg good friend ever But I got places I got to be afterwards plus Stanley is geriatrics I've become like a part-time vet since I last saw it. I understand. Yeah, I was like that two before you came back. He's getting close to the end

and I'm trying to make as comfortable as possible and it involves like IVs and massages and whatnot. It's my baby. Well, you're a good man. You've got two babies. So good to see you. You get to see your staff. The place looks great.

Thank you. I know. Things are really good. I'm trying to think where to catch off. It's crazy. I've got it. Dildo shaped Cain's the front office. What do you walk in catch up. Past of an issue. She's got a dildo-shaped cany-cane to the front office. What are we going to do?

What are we going to do? Exactly. What are we going to do? Right? So since I saw you, I'm trying to think what I haven't been to New York or to Mexico. Oh, Mexico. Yep.

I need to tell you about my Mexico experience. Did you go to the same place as when you went to get the massage? Yeah. So I saw it. The same place. The same beach. Same guy. No, the same guy. Yeah. We had a rendezvous. Oh, no, we did

I mean if you guys missed the show last year we talked about the story We've kind of been talking about a little bit this year, but I love this story. It was amazing I met so I met I'm a suit. I was in Mexico last year Uh-huh, you happy ending so I was last year I met this Wonderful masseuse that I probably wouldn't have, it never Eddie who worked with us. And he was like, you need to take a Latin lover. You've never had a Latin lover. I'm like, no, I said, I never really thought,

nothing I wouldn't. But anyway, getting this massage last year, it was the best massage I've ever had. Yeah, it was a little bit clear. You met him on the table. On the table. Yeah. I'm like, you met him at the BH and you're like,

oh, you're a masseuse, like after like dinner. No, his mom owns a very successful massage. Right. Parler, parlor massage studio. Wait, it's his moms? Yeah. I didn't know this for years. For years.

But his mom was there. He had sex. Nothing. Nothing. He didn't tell him. She's older now. He's running it. So he does other things as well.

So anyway, we had this and then what happened was we had this massage. His mom says, I'm sorry. No, she doesn't. No, he doesn't do this with everybody. Okay. He doesn't. I know him deeply. You don't think he doesn't do this with everybody. Okay. He doesn't I know him deeply. You don't get us with every gringa. He knows I know that he doesn't see and I know that that's what people are thinking But so just to back up with the story real quickly and you can go back and we can put that podcast in the show notes so you guys can find the story.

Yes, it's a great story because we met up and the way this massage and I went back to my friends, I was like, was that a real connection? Was it me and then I ended up running into on the beach last year and then we ended up having sex and the ploppa with the massage table in it. I had the sex. So this year, fly back to the same place with the same friends, we go over here. And I have to be honest, it wasn't until I landed. So I thought, oh, no.

I want, there's no way. I probably thought about it two weeks earlier, with flash. You know what, I believe you because you're Emily and her mind is going in so many different directions at once that I could see here, like actually touching down in Mexico when it occurs to her. Oh yeah, I banged some stranger last year on a massage.

I wonder if he's still here. They're the same exact place. Yeah. So I think, and I've been in a lot of, I've have pain, you know, I work out, I've stressed, and I was like, I really part of this trip was a healing for me. I've pain's right on the G spot.

She just really worked that, it's tender. Exactly, that's what you're, but we're going ahead. You're seeing that. Go to the shoulders, ignore the back, just straight to the G spot. Right, so I get there and I think, okay, and this week for me was about getting, because massage, what I realized, I used to think

that it was this luxury pampering thing, like getting your nails done, and it was just this, but I realized now how healing it really is for the touch, but the hard, like they win the time massage when they get into it, and you release tension, but also we keep a lot of emotions toward our body and stress and memories and all this stuff and releases.

I learned that on a Malcolm in the middle episode where Malcolm's mom went to get a massage And she was like balling hysterically and then she became addicted to those massages because she had to get her emotions out I became addicted to massage as well addicted addicted. I get it. So a cocktail What no so okay, so what get there? I think okay, I'm gonna go to the salon I'm gonna make an appointment. I'm really excited to get see if he's you know, were you nervous like your heart It's kind of like here's the thing I want it's Mexico. So appointment. I'm really excited to get CFes. Were you nervous? Like, your heart was kind of like, Here's the thing.

I want that. It's Mexico. So what you do is there's a sign-up sheet. It's this nice salon, but you just have to write your name in a pencil. Like, they have all the misuses names. And then you write your name in the openings. They have that day.

Because it's low town. It's not like you have to go in and do the computer thing. It's like, sign up. Who do you want? It says his name. I don't know what we called him last year. I can't use his name. One, I think. One. So I'm like, one. He's here. So. It says his name. I don't remember what we called him last year. I can't use his name. One, I think.

One. So I'm like, one. He's here. So I write down my name. I never mind his name. It's not really one. I was going to say there's probably a lot of ones. But okay.

That's good, though. We made a thing. So then I realize that I want him to come to my hotel room because it says they will do visits to the hotel. You do want him to come to the hotel? Yes, why not? I was lovely room. I should tell you that I got upgraded to the master suite

in this hotel I was staying. Why is that? Because I was angry. When I know I should have played up that, but no, I don't do that. But I was, because it was like the balcony room, which was supposed to cost more money and it's literally a balcony that's on the street. And what's on the street?

Like loud vendors and families and kids. And that's not allowed for me. Too much Mexico for you. Too much Mexico when you're trying to sleep. Right. So I said, this is not something I would pay for. I would, I would never pay for this. I would.

It's not seem like you. This is like a whole new Emily. Oh, no, I get very particular about my motel rooms and my travel. So they're like, no, no, I'm like, they're like, okay, I'm like, you must have another room. Obviously, I can't stay in this room. If you want me to sleep, obviously, I mean, look at me. No, I'm good at this. Travel with me.

Yeah. So he brings him to the suite. And he's like, I said, obviously, this will be the same price because this was, this is not a good, pretty good. So I get up there for two nights because then I was moving to another place with my friend got there.

So it's beautiful at the whole top floor. There's like a dining room table and there's like, there's a chase lounge outside and there's a whole flush shower and two bedrooms. That's like a commercial for Mexico. Right. So I go in that I have to go upstairs now into the massage place and I see a woman, beautiful woman behind the counter.

I said, hi, my name's Emily. I signed up for a massage with one. One and she says, oh yeah, I said is he in town? I said, look, I used to be in town. She was, yeah, he's here this week. I said, can you come to my room? And she's like, my friend was with me, my friend, Charlotte. And then she says, yeah, sure, no problem. Where are you staying? I told her, we walked down and I said, okay, I to my room? And she's like, my friend was with me, my friend Charlotte. And then she says, yeah, sure, no problem.

Where are you staying? I told her, we walked down and I said, okay, I feel really weird now because, A, I don't know if you remember me. Right. B, like, is it weird to be, like, oh, that woman who came here, she's going to call you in the town realm.

Of course. And like, I don't know, see, and then I'm paying him, but this, we had sex and it was weird. I didn't know, and I felt like, do I go back and, I'm overthinking it. Well, you should, though, in this situation, I think this calls for a little Emily overthinking. Okay, oh, this was right. I didn't know, and I felt like, do I go back into it? I'm overthinking it. Well, you should though. In this situation, I think this calls for a little Emily overthinking.

Oh, this was right. I think so. Yeah, yeah. Okay, good. I'm just putting myself in your shoes and your heels, and I would definitely be overthinking all of this. I'd be very concerned. I'd be worried because I'm cheap too,

and I want to want him coming over and seeing my expensive tent house and expecting a beer trip. But he's definitely already transcended that. He's not about money. He's a Chinese medicine doctor. He's got a good job. No, he's like, he does the massages to help his mom out.

Now I found once a month for a week. So he happened to be there when I was there. Oh, he's lucky. Are you lying to me? Oh, that's not the first time I like it. Oh, that's not the first time I like it. Oh, that's not the first time I like it. Oh, was that one in shock me either?

Dude, this is the universe. Okay. Manifesting. So I go to my room, I unpack and I see him because he comes to my door. The guy from downstairs brings him up and it's like a few hours later. And I open the door and he comes in with his massage table

and he looks at me and he's like, oh, I thought it was you. I thought I wish I could do Spanish. No, it's probably messy though. Yeah, last time it sounded like it sounded. It wasn't good. And he's like, I thought it was you and it said Emily, and I'm so happy you came back to me.

I'm so beautiful. Do you know how many times I've thought about you? That's what he said to you. Yes. She says, I thought about you and I said, yeah, I thought about you too. And he said, you came back to me. I'm so glad.

And then he's like, start setting up the table. And I'm sitting on the bed. Oh, on the bed. Well, because he said, you understand how he signals your sending this guy? Well, because that's where we had to set up the table, because there was a dining room, that's what the best place. All right.

And I'm thinking, well, I'm making a small talk. Like, how was the massage business? Tell me about your Chinese medicine. And he said he's been studying Tai Chi every day, and he'd learn like the Dow of sex, and he's learning all this stuff around sex, and he wants to like, talk to me about it. Oh, he knows what you do.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you thought you were like a cook or something, it'd be a really weird thing to bring up, especially with your past. And he's really into tantrum. No, right. Exactly. That'd be really weird.

No, he was catching me up on his life because we had a few words exchanged. So he was like listening to the sexo with Emilio? He doesn't, because he didn't get what it is. And I said to him that I talked to him a lot of time on the podcast. And he said, can I get a tape? Like a tape.

That's cute. So like he really is, and he has never phone. Oh, this guy's so down there. Because he loses it. Oh, he's perfect for you then. Because I'm back and his sister's like, he has never phone. I'm like, why is he just like, he just loses it? Oh, he just loses girl numbers after he,

the father's the G spots for a living. No, you think this is what it's like, but it's no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no shows in the future where you can like touch on this some more. Because we got a lot to do today. So much. We're taking your calls. So it's a deal for a second time. Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, for five days worth. I had five misogies. Five days. You see your friends at all while you were there. Sometimes.

Oh, that's so annoying. No, kidding. I didn't see my friends, of course, but it was like I did it at times and he came back to the room and he would come for like, yeah, every time. No, every time we charge. No, no, no, no. No. Okay. Any meals or anything with this guy or is it just? Can you charge you every time? No. Every time we charge you? No. No.

No. Okay. Any meals or anything with this guy? He brought me to you when I, when I, we did naked times. We did naked, um, Tai Chi for like an hour and a half on the, what? Yeah. No, I learned a lot. What is your life?

Your life is like from the 70s. Like this is not a real story that happens in 2017. It is. There's so many, yes, exactly. Naked Tai Chi with my Mexican masseuse. Exactly. It was amazing. And I learned a lot from him about Breath and orgasm like I talk about he doesn't actually ejaculate as often like when you turn He's learned and I've heard this he's all out from doing it all day. Oh, yeah, once a week. No, he doesn't

He doesn't have sex. I know that you think this. I'm a man, right. I have a I'm not saying never but I don't think This is his jam. Everyone's laughing at it. I don't know. But wouldn't hurt you if you found out it was his jam. Like that was his thing. Here's where I want to tell you. It was really interesting on a lot of levels because he gave me this amazing massage and this release where I have no more pain in my body. We connected sexually. So that first night he came up, he said, it's massage and means like, I can't, like I need to to touch you and you're so beautiful

and then he went down to me for like 45 minutes. Jesus. This guy doesn't mess around. But the bummer was I didn't get him at misogy the first night because he was doing that. Like you were misogyny or vagina the entire time. You didn't get the.

Exactly. Which is kind of what you're hoping for. If you had to pick, but, right? But I thought I was still in pain's release and I'm like, you know what? I still need a massage. Go to work one. So I ran into him the next day.

A small town. Why didn't you get another masseuse for the real massage? Well, that's what I said. I said we can no longer carry on. I wanted you Tai Chi. I want you to go down to me as often as possible. But I've got some back things going on. And we need to work on this.

I need an actual masseuse, not a man. See, then he said, the next day, I will send someone to you that's actual, I said they have to be good pressure. So the next day he shows up, but he's like, today, and he said it was someone else, but he's like, I'm your practitioner. So it was like, it's like a world plan. I can't help myself.

But he's the nicest guy. All right, I don't believe in all that shit with like, it's the universe talking, and you know, serendipity, but I kind of believe it in this case. See, and he kept saying it. He was like, this is what you came back, and I, he's like, I's the universe talking, and you know, it's their endipity, but I kind of believe it in this case, right? This is perfect. And he kept saying it. He was like, this is what you came back,

and I, he's like, I have to see you again. Do you kind of want to send one of your friends down there as like, I can sting operation? Yes, I do. I think you should. What are you so not sting? Like, yeah, yeah, I'm curious though. I think you should.

It's true. Get somebody who looks a little like you, you know, yeah. Can you remember? And you heard what I learned, what I loved about him. Is that every time you saw me? Do you look at me, see if it has a good thing he did? Yeah. Is it every time besides the oral and everything else?

Every time he saw me, he really saw me and he was like, you look so beautiful. You look like a goddess. Like whatever I was wearing, because I had all my little like bikinis in my outfits. And he was like, you're so skinned sound. He's cheesy, but he saw me. Like you're beautiful. Like you're just saw you for how you want to do sound. He's cheesy, but he saw me. Like, you're beautiful.

You're just saw you for how you want to do things. And he looked at me, well, fuck dude, every woman wants to be seen as a beautiful goddess. So he must saw you as well. And he would look at me, but it was. The misuse of all of that. Coniving, he's not like, it's not good.

Dude, I'm not even. I can probably get out of here if you want. I don't care if you wouldn't talk to me as the point. Okay. Like, here's the thing. He was saying it because he felt it. It wasn't like, I got to say this together. I was already, I'm on board, dude, and dude and I'm paying you so he didn't have to right but he would be taken in that moment

I think it was probably authentic. I still think she'd do a sting and then he taught me how to talk dirty in Spanish Wow give me some I can't right now, I don't remember chinga If there's a lot more to this I'm just gonna talk about it another show Yeah, you're gonna have to devote an entire show. My wrap up on this, though, is that I feel like I love where I'm at my life right now, that I can be a woman who travels and I'm single

and I'm experiencing a lot of things, sexually and finding partners that are on the same page as me who are studying the same things I am, who's into breath, who's into intimacy, who's into tantra and who really loves providing rosax. Yeah, he did everything. It's almost like he had a file on you. He remembered everywhere I wanted to be touched

on my body, including the massages. He's good, he's really good. So that's my story. We're gonna get into the show now. We're gonna get into the callers. How sweet. Thank you everyone for listening. We're gonna give a shout out to our sponsors

because we love them. Thank you for supporting them. We'll be right back. Okay, we've got Daniel. He's 28 from Seattle, and he wants to know how to get his long distance girlfriend to open up talking about sex. Hey, Daniel, welcome to the show. How's it going? Good, I'm here with Anderson. What about Daniel? What's up, buddy? So tell me what's going on? Hey, so I got just a quick question.

We've been in a long distance relationship for about two years now. She's in a different country going to school and I'm here You know just worked in and obviously all that our sex life is kind of I don't know how to explain it I never see absent How often do you see? Yeah, very very I mean she visits obviously for holidays I don't know how to explain it. You never see Absin. How often do you see it? Yeah, very, very. I mean, she visits obviously for holidays and summer break and all that. It's fine then, but it's like when she's away in school, it's like, I don't have that connection, you know what I mean?

There's no, yeah, there is nothing there. I get it, because you're not actually seeing each other, right? So you're wondering how to connect and enhance your we can ask a quick question Yeah, did so you met her and had like an actual relationship before it became long distance. Yes Yeah, so yeah, she's from here. So yeah, she went to school in different places. Which country she in or do you not want to say? I don't know how long will you guys together before she Went away about a year. Okay, were you guys together before she moved? One away.

About a year. OK, and how long has she gone for? About another year. She's got to go. OK, so are you feeling like she and you guys are monogamous? You're not seeing anyone else? No, I mean, not that I know of. And you feel like she's the one, probably,

if you're willing to try this long distance thing as long as you are, because it sounds like by the time she gets back, two-thirds of your relationship will be with her in another country Exactly. Yeah, I mean she's definitely the girl I want to be with and just My my question is I want to figure out how to Be able to talk I thought I can't talk to her about sex right at all while she's there I feel like I don't get I don't get that recifcated like I try I don't know. Well, how do you how you trying she probably you what kind of things do you want to talk about

And stuff you know like I want to do right kind of course like was you know something out of it And it's like I find myself, you know, obviously looking at other Other people and I'm like okay, well you're 28 year old man And you are you're living in Seattle, your girlfriend's out at, you know, she's away, and you're seeing her two to three times a year, and you're wanting to like enhance the intimacy over the phone, and I can totally give you tips for like long distance relationships and sex,

and I'm gonna give you a few right now. But what I'm curious about is like, it's not gonna be the real thing, and obviously, in no matter, you could start sexting and all that stuff, but I wonder if that's going to actually be enough. It's like you're really missing that connection, that intimacy and I'm wondering how realistic it is at your age for a year and a half to keep this going and not having, you know,

a slip up. A slip, yeah. Right, right, right, right, right, right, right around the corner. Yeah. And maybe time to realistic. It's probably hard because before we met, I was like doing the tender thing. I was like three or four. I don't want to break, you know, I'm not going to sound like that guy.

But I was like three or four girls a night. Mm-hmm. So it was just like, yeah, I'm happy. That's pretty impressive, Daniel. Really gathered. Cut that off. No, I got it. Hey, Daniel, have you asked, have you talked to her about, is she even opened up to the

FaceTime or, or? We connect to have a session with ideas for you. Yeah, we've tried it. She said she's shut kind of shut it down. So she's just in her head at times. Yeah. What was the time you saw her? Couple of month ago. Dude, this is a lot of time to be away from someone who's in school, experiencing new meeting new people in a foreign country. Ultimately, I'm time like I'm gonna go back to three or four a night if you don't sex time with me.

Yeah. I'm kidding. No, I'm thinking of those apps. Well, you don't have sex toys that you have. Why, because of, well, here's the thing, well, when you're gonna see her again. Why, can I weak yourself? Oh, perfect.

Okay, so here's the thing, Daniel. You guys are gonna spend time together. And what I want you to do is tell her that how you'd love to, you know, connect with her sexually when you guys are gone. And I have some, have you guys ever used toys together? No. So I got a flashlight.

A flashlight, okay. It's okay. For me, I did get two cockarings though. Okay. Cool. I did talk to her about it and she's open to it. Awesome. Okay, so I've got a great idea for you.

So you know that I love, if you've even listened to this show for a while, I love Wevibe, and every single toy they make is amazing. So now the majority of their toys come out, they have an app called WeConnect and it's free, you know, free for any phone and you guys can both get this. You can, she can have a vibrator, you can have a vibrator, you can be in the next room or, you know, thousands of miles apart. You guys, it's like, it's kind of like FaceTime where you guys, you call each other on the app.

You see her, she sees you, she's using a vibrator, maybe you're using their penis ring, like, their pivot, and she's using like, their rave or their Nova, which is like the G-Spot toys, and you can control it on your phone while looking at each other and having like a sex date. So you're controlling her vibe, you got it on your phone, there's all these school controls, you control it by using dragging your fingers like the intensity, the vibration patterns, and then you're looking at each other and it's really hot. And it's the coolest thing right now. So you control it, she controls it, you could watch her if she's into that. And I would say is when she gets here, buyer likes go shopping, you're in Seattle, there's sex toys, there stores there, you could figure out which ones you want

and then you could just say like let's try to do this once we can have a real date, a connection because that would be hot too. And they also have a function on it where you could text through the app. I think that'd be cool. But I think you have to let her know also that the intimacy is really important to you. So I think planning a date once a week

where you're actually sitting there and you're on FaceTime and you're looking at each other and you've got your dinners maybe, and glass of wine and you're really connected and you're talking about things. And I think you need to lay the groundwork for what kind of sex talk you need when she's gone and then practice it a little bit.

Like it's kind of would go like this. Cause the problem we do is a lot of times we give advice to our partners, thinking that they're gonna get what we mean. Like I need more sex talk and she'll be like, I don't know how to do that. So to really get into what feels, like what would be satisfying to you

and then she could let you know what would feel good to her So have that before she goes back so you'll feel connected again Yeah, so I had a question. How do I like help her open up to that? How do I get her and that because I feel like she's gonna shut off Like talking about sex in general right so Daniel and Emily you're probably a bit of a help here but I think that the way you approach it is really important to like what Emily said talk about intimacy and connections and less about the sex more about connecting with her and how you know she's not stupid I'm assuming she

understands that intimacy is a large part of a successful relationship so make it quite clear that it's bothering you that you obviously can't have this because of the distance between you. And you're trying to find solutions to keep your relationship healthy until she gets back. Like you're trying to keep your relationship in a good place, which is definitely a challenge. But you got to approach it. Like you got to speak check. Like you got to talk like intimacy. Right. You got it in connections. And then you know, the sex will follow that goes into it. It's part of it. But yeah, and the truth is that this is the partner that you're going to want to be with.

She's going to, you know, you're going to have to get to the point where, you know, I could, she is finding her voice and feels comfortable talking about sex. But I think couching it in the form of like starting with connection and intimacy, you know, that'll be a start to how important is for you that you don't, not sure you could continue if you don't have that. And don't lead with sex, because I mean, that's, you know, then she's gonna start getting all threatened.

There's, I think, and plus she's just not open to it to begin with, but. And I would also say you gotta say to her, I understand that you're not that comfortable with sex. It's very important that couples talk about it. You can blame me, said you were listening to the show, but like I always say,

prioritize the conversation around sex. You will prioritize your sex life, you'll better sex. If you guys never talk about it, it's not gonna move along like you have to. So ask her what would be comfortable for her talk, because you gotta talk about it. And it's always gonna be awkward at first, but she's gotta like give something out.

And then if he already has the gift, because she's gonna be here, if he already has that gift and you give it to her, you can be like, this is the closest I can do things with you when you're not with me. This is the closest that we have with technology. You think, God, we have this we have this and that's pretty cool. Boom.

Yeah, the timing of this is pretty good with Christmas right around the corner. Totally. Is that good? Yeah, I'm like the sex. Yeah, the sex when we're together, it's good. It's great, but it's just the distance. That's where we struggle.

The closest we can give you is a toy. I mean, you can't actually, you can't teleport yet, but I'm just, you know what I'm saying? So, and you're going to have to realize, dude, I. I mean, you can't actually you can't teleport yet, but I'm just you know I'm saying So and you're gonna have to realize too. I'm also one of you can really handle like it's it's a long time not to be having sex So I mean no kidding. Yeah, so I see I appreciate we tried it. Yeah, I used to do it. I get it I used to play a professional sport so it's like Yeah, yeah, so I know I know that's uh, I don't. Oh, this is why he's three or four times a night guy, because he was a pro at that.

I don't know, it's amazing. Okay, good luck Daniel, just have to do it. We're gonna band it off, have the talk with her. Don't wait till the last day, like literally do the night she gets there or the second night. First night, you don't want to just have sex the whole night. Okay, I can see like a really open couple

having like a surrogate. Okay, thanks Daniel so much, let us know. What are you doing, I don't know. Okay, bye Daniel. I got sent in with somebody who kind of looks like me. You should get a sex with you. And I think of it as me, have sex in the dark, vice versa. Oh, I don't think Daniel wants to do that.

Bye sweetie. Thank you for calling in. Let us know how it goes. Here's the thing about Daniel is that I love that he's really trying to make it work. He seems really sincere. And I know that's like when you're really in love with someone, but I'm just being happy realistic and I'm just thinking he might be just spending his wheels here because trying to get her to talk about sex and there's a lot, there's a lot of roads here and they're not in the

same country. The old me and what it said, dude, it's over, just bail, start going three to four a night again. But that's the old me, Emily. It sounds like he's halfway down the road with us. And he's got another year and he thinks she's the one. And maybe they're mature enough to say, look, we'll get back together when you get back in town.

If it's meant to be. Yeah, I just worried that it's going to get to a point where he's going to just get resentment and go out and do something stupid. I feel like a year and a half at that age, you know, I don't know, or any age really. I'm sexier. But I'm a sexier guy. Exactly. I feel like he's already feeling it. I just wanted him to go out and have some sex right now. She can't, she's not here, and they can always come back together.

But you know, Christmas is coming up. He's going to get this the We vibe thing, right? Well, exactly. Do the little app and see if that works. Don't worry, Ron, I hope that it does work for them, but sometimes it's just a, you know, and a surrogate if he has to. You're funny. Okay, our next colleague got David.

He's 49 from Oklahoma City. And he wants to know how to improve his odds with women. Hi, David. Hi, Emily. How are you? I'm good. I'm so glad you decided to call in because I want to help you here. Yeah, and I'm here with Anderson. Hey Dave, you got a common common problem here everyone. Most guys have this this issue. Right? Yeah, Epson flow.

Most single guys want to improve their odds of course. So let's get to it. So what's going on? Tell us what's going on. Okay, so I'm divorced 49 years old and I have a good career. I'm in pretty good shape. I look younger than than my age and on paper, I think I look decent. I mean, I don't say that. So, I mean, I get I've got some pretty good feedback in that regard. But I'm an introvert and I'm also kind of shy. I've never really overcome my fear of rejection, I guess, even though I have dated a lot. So I think this works against me in a big way, especially based on where I live, which is Oklahoma City.

It's not my hometown, kind of an outsider here. The culture here is to get married very young. So I'm kind of odd men out as far as that goes. So like all the good ones are off the market already, you say? Yes, exactly. And you're divorced. How long were you married?

And when did you get divorced? I was married for three years. I've been divorced for eight years now. Okay. And you haven't dated much in the last eight years? I actually have dated a lot, but I've been ghosted a lot. And I've only had really one real relationship that lasted about a year. Okay.

And what happened with that one? We just want a really good fit. So I get it. Okay, I just want to get there's any like clues here. So you're saying you're having a hard time because you're getting ghosted, you're meeting women, how are you meeting women right now? Mostly online. Okay. Because most of my friends are married and their friends are married. So it's hard to you know, the dating world has changed so much. Right. It's hard to meet people through friends anymore. Well, I don't think that's true. So I think those are some limiting beliefs that like there's no one in your town. You're not going to meet anyone through your friends. Everyone's already taken some hearing a lot of objections from

you that aren't necessarily true. Some, there might be some truth to him, but it's absolutely, I think you absolutely can meet people from your friends. You are getting divorced, moving to town, maybe they're visiting, you can always meet people. Yeah, Oklahoma City is big. It's a big city. You got to have an MBA team, right? And then it should be a lot of weird news.

Yeah, and I feel like it's kind of defeat us and I get it, because dating for a long time being single is challenging, but I feel like you need to look at it with a fresher perspective that there are plenty of people out there for you to meet in the ways that you think that you can't. So it is telling your friends that you're single and it is saying yes to those different events that you get invited to and taking a class or doing things that are outside of your comfort zone to meet people.

And then the fear of rejection, that is something that like Ederson said, a lot of men do experience that fear of rejection. And I'm wondering if it's, it's so crippling to you and I'm wondering why? Like is there something from your past that happened that you haven't quite released yet? Because you know you're 49 years old, you've been single dating for a while so I'm wondering that that's the thing you're bringing up. What is there something that we could like a major rejection or something that happened or that comes up for you?

That's scarred you. That's scarred you. We all have that. Well definitely the divorce scarred you. That's scarred you. We all have a school. Well, definitely the divorce scarred me. But I had fear of rejection before that. I think that that definitely made it worse in some ways. I kind of regressed after my divorce because that was a big rejection.

I didn't want the divorce. And I think the other part is, it's unclear to me when a woman wants to be approached. Maybe I'm just not good at reading the signals or. You're probably not. I get to put my head and I don't know what to say. Right. So, that works against me too.

Okay, I got it. So, this takes practice and so here's the thing. It's really hard to read clues. Especially for men, like they often say, just, there's so many times when women are like, why didn't you hit on me? And I think that women, they want to be approached. Like, they'd love to, you know, in a way that's not obviously creepy or you're on the face or being offensive,

but just high. Just start talking to them, strike up a conversation. I do think that the why not try. You've nothing to lose with that. This is going to take practice for you. And I feel like the more that you just practice talking to women and talking to people wherever you're at when you're out in the world is going to help you.

But I'm wondering if there isn't something else there have you ever had therapy? Yes, since the divorce. Since the divorce. I'm really big into self-improvement and I've done a lot of therapy, particularly around communication, especially after my divorce. So communication specifically with women. So I've done a lot of that. So you feel like you learned it all, maybe you haven't put into practice yet. So maybe you need to. So I feel like what environment could we put you in more? It's not as high of a risk. We're like, I'm so afraid. I'm going to, you

know, do these stuff speed dating? I swear, I'm on, I want to bring speed dating back. Because all these dates you go on the online date, you got to meet each person for 10 minutes or an hour, like, are there places where you could just go to meet women with? There's not risks. You're not, you, doesn't matter if you're super attractor or not, but you just start being you. Maybe it's somewhere where they give you things that you're really passionate about sports or art or whatever your hobbies are and you go to those places or events or concerts and there's music there.

Things that you feel comfortable talking about that are in your comfort zone with people around and you'll just start talking and practicing and it's going to come back to you. But I feel like your fears stopping you from opening your mouth and you've had all the training. You've talked to therapists about it, you've had communication training so you just need to start going. You need to start doing it and it might be awkward at first and you're going to get rejected but you've got to keep going and then it gets a lot easier.

Yeah and I'm not I'm not a recluse. I mean I've got hobbies and I've tried meetups. I've done I do yoga classes. I've done salsa. I've even taken recluse. I mean, I've got hobbies and I've tried meetups. I've done yoga classes. I've done salsa. I've even taken an improv class. But again, it's hard for me to initiate the conversation, I guess. Okay, as far as that goes, Dave, maybe ask them, have like a battery of questions, always in the ready.

Maybe sit down and actually, because it sounds like you're a guy who thinks about things a lot and kind of almost has like a chest board out and you're trying to figure out your next move and your cautious about it. Figure out what you're looking for in a counter-part and have some questions like where they're from, what they're interest are, those kinds of things, even if they're kind of an owl, but have questions ready and that's how you start the conversation and that's how you drive the conversation is ask them questions about themselves. Yeah, it really does work. Well, also you you gotta be careful with not having the, not desperation,

but like the looking, like the hawk, the sense that you might be giving off a little bit. You should be focusing on, I don't know what you do for a living, but you should definitely be focusing on yourself and letting the women kind of, they will show up, right? And like, relationships happen when you're not looking for them.

If you're looking for them, it just doesn't happen. Like, women can smell desperation among them. Right, exactly. So if you feel like this is your main focus now, I would say just maybe take it off the table for a month and say, you know what, I'm not gonna look for anyone right now, and I'm gonna go back and work on myself. And when I'm ready, I'm gonna go back out.

That can be really helpful for people too. Cause I feel like there is a lot of pressure. You're putting pressure on yourself. And I always have questions like, how do you do it for them? What do you think? I do. What do you think, David? Sorry. No, I think you're right Emily.

I think I do put pressure on myself because I'm getting older and I still want a family and I don't have a family. Yeah, 49 years old. I like it. I think there's a lot of truth to that. Right. Yeah, but I think that it's not going to come this way from you having the desperate, maybe you'll really realize maybe that's not what I want right now or need right now.

So I think if you take the pressure off and say I'm not going to date for two months and I think about it, I'm not going to ask anyone, I'm going to work on myself and really getting clear like, you know, what kind of person is I'm looking for, what kind of relationship I want in it and just focusing on whatever those holes are in your life that you're feeling not totally complete yet and then go back to it. I think that's what you got to do. And know that if you don't find somebody, your life can still be good. There's still plenty of things in the world

that you can live without a relationship. And magically one might just kinda fall on the line. Also becoming a dad at 49, you know? Later, you haven't met the person yet. So maybe you'll be 52, 53, I don't know. Just, I would kinda take a look at that. That's really, maybe it's someone who already has a kid. Okay, do it.

You know what I mean? There's other ways to look at this. And I think it'd make you feel that better if you see you've options. Cool? Okay, David, thank you so much. Keep me posted. Happy holidays.

Thanks for calling out. Okay. Thank you, Emily. Bye, David. Thanks. Yeah. Interesting. It is tough, man.

But I would think that that's why it gets ghosted because these women, I'm sure you've had dates and I've had dates where I could tell a woman wanted a child and a family tomorrow and I'm like, that's not what I'm here for. No, you don't want to tell you exactly. No, it is true. You can smell it, you can feel it, you can taste it. It just seemed like he's, I think it's right.

We put a lot of energy. Sometimes when you just say, oh, I don't have to do that, I'm going to take that off the plate, you feel so much better. Like my wife and I, when we were trying to have a kid and looked like we weren't going to be able to, we were okay with knowing that we'll still like be able to have a life without, you know, a kid. Luckily we had a kid, but you know, we would have been okay without it. I have a head start because I had a wife that was wanting to get so Dave doesn't even have the wife there, but yeah, I get it. It's hard. It's hard, it is hard, but I'm glad you called. I'm glad he's asking about it,

because it sounds like his pinpointed issue. So that's cool. We've got Jamie on the phone. She's 28 from Canada and she wants to know how to overcome her lady part in securities. Hi, Jamie. Hi, Jamie. I'm here with Anderson. Hi. How are you? We're so good. We're excited to talk to you. I'm excited too. So tell us a story because I got your email, but it helps for everyone to hear what's going on. Yeah. So I've normally been really okay with my body and everything, but then I met someone who we hit it off.

We had amazing sex the first time. And then after that, he just would not go down on me me which has really been weird for me ever since. I thought Canadian was supposed to be nice. Okay. What? Keep going. So the first time you had sex, he went down and you once and then how long were you guys together? We were together. Like it was so rocky. He was just like a horrible human being. I know that now. But it was for maybe like two years. Jesus, I was expecting two weeks.

It doesn't happen what happened. So you guys it was amazing the first time and then he never went down to you again. For two years he never went down there again. No, yeah, he didn't once and then never did it again. I'd go down him, but the thing is, we have great facts, the best. And yeah, no, he just never did it again. Did you ask him to go down on you? Do you tell him that it was important? I did it in a way. I'm really uncomfortable asking them to do that.

I did it in a way to make up excuse. Oh, that's not. No, he just, I don't know if he made excuses, he just would do something different. What do you mean? You know, he would just start, you know, doing something else to my body, as opposed to verbally saying like, so how did I want to hear how you did it?

You said that you asked him for it, but when you didn't exactly straightforward ask, because it's hard. So I want to hear how you did it you said that you you asked him for it But when you didn't exactly straight forward ask because it's hard So I want to hear what you said and we can talk about what you could do next time. Okay. Well, there were you know There were some times where you know I didn't have an orgasm or anything like that and he was he was really you know Adam and about like well, you know, I want you to have fun too. So it's like okay Well, this is what you can do. I was like can I for straight out ask them is like go down on me, you know, I want you to have fun too. So I was like, okay, well, this is what you can do. I was like, I, I, I, for sure, don't ask them. I was like, go down on me. No? Right. And so that sounds pretty clear. Yeah. I, it's no hidden message there. So, but he

just didn't. Okay. He just started doing his normal thing. Okay. And I was like, how old was this guy? Well, how old is he? 38. Okay, 38. Well, here's the thing. There's a lot of guys, so you're calling because you said it made you feel bad about your body, and here's, there's a lot of guys who just don't perform all sex, they don't like it. They have had a weird experience, they had nothing to do with you, and you said he was

a narcissist in your email. Yeah. And I'm telling you, it is not about your pleasure ever. He could not even, like if he one time had a bad experience or thought he didn't like it or felt insecure. Here's the thing about people with narcissists, he might feel insecure to skills because all for all we know Jamie, he was with a girl 10 years ago who said that he sucked it or all sex going down in her.

Right. Maybe she was honest and he's like, I'm never doing that again because I'm not perfect at it. So I'm telling you, sweetie, it has nothing. I'm confident and I've never seen you or met you as nothing to do with your vagina and why he didn't do it. Zero. I was afraid he's gonna have some horrible excuse

and say like your legs are too long or like you got a horrible smell. So he can't imagine one in your head. And I like the idea of her saying, go down on me and he does something else. And she's not even saying, well, what else he does. I'm picturing this like this bearded guy put his bare foot down there and dittling around down,

I mean, my legs always watchin' hockey. That's what I'm picturing. It wasn't that bad, right? Could you're makin' a sound bad? But the thing is though, is like, you know, the next day he would say things like, you know, oh, I had a suck dream and like, I was going down on all these women and it was awesome. What the fuck, he's like, like you know oh I had a sex dream and like I was going down on all

these women and it was awesome. What the fuck? I'm kidding. I'm kidding. What the fuck? Yeah he hates you. No. Sorry. Yeah, he kind of does. He hasn't hate you honey. He hates himself. He hates him. Snarc says hate themselves. They don't know. Yeah, the center of the universe and their piece of shit. Yes. His center of his universe revolves around him and you having people around him who makes them feel good by himself and does not spend any time. I imagine that. My wife, same, please, please give me a little sex. I'm like, no, I will not. And then you won't believe the dreams I had last night. They're sweet. Yeah. I mean, everybody's box to make you feel better. I did something for two years, who

was 38 years old. Same thing. And we went out for two years. And finally you guys have heard the story. but I was confused because I would tell him like you gotta go you know I need it and he just was a two-year thing we were on vacation this lovely place outside palm trees having dirty martinis and I said to listen I'm just curious we you know I'd love you to go down to me is it A because you don't think I want you to be you're not sure what to do or see like you're not into it it's not your thing and he goes you know what C it's not my thing I was like oh well you're not sure what to do or see, like, you're not into it. It's not your thing. And he goes, you know what?

See, it's not my thing. I was like, oh, well, you're not my thing. And then I broke up with him because to me, and he's great. Sweetheart, we're still friends. So this day, it's fine. He wasn't even an artist who says, darn out. He just wasn't his thing because, and I truly believe it's because he was kind of a player. Always up with a lot of chicks.

Didn't never really thought I'm going to focus on it. I'm going to know it. I'm going to understand it. So you dodged a bullet, but I just need you to heal right now. I know this has nothing to do with you, zero. I'm convinced that your vagina is perfect. And I'm sorry that he made you feel any differently. And even if it's not perfect, they're all snowflakes.

They're all a little bit different. They're all just normal. And every normal nice guy, it's just gonna be happy to have access. I don't know who is your guest speaker there with you, but I need to ask you being a man. Has there ever been a time where you just never wanted to go down a woman? Like that's an actual thing.

If I didn't, not a relationship, there has been one night stands where I wouldn't go close to that because I knew that she was a dirty person, but that's on me. I've never ever been in love with anyone or had a relationship where I would not go down on them. No, that's not something I would ever even consider, not doing. Does that make sense? Oh, okay. Wow.

I never heard somebody did dodge a bullet. Yes, and I've heard from guys who say, yeah, I thought that we were dating for a while, and I started to smell something that was kind of, you know, and I'm like, well, she probably has a UTI or and then you have the conversation, but this doesn't happen. You were with him for a year or two.

Pretty simple. I mean, it's a microcosm of what this guy's capable of. If he's not capable of doing that one simple thing for you, think of all the other things that he wouldn't do for you if you guys were to actually get married or something. And I guarantee your needs were not getting met in other ways too. They were though, that's the problem,

and that's by kept being okay with it for like that amount of time. You mean sexually they were getting met or just in other ways in your life? Oh, only sexually. Yeah, like emotionally, like no, that was like a lot of all. Like to me, I thought later that he was dating like two other women up same time. Jamie, I'm not sure. But somebody who doesn't have enough sex and you haven't had enough sex yet, you will

later look back on this and go oh my god he was not meeting me and you're doing half of what it's going to be a story there's men who are so into giving more sex that you need to bat him off with a stick and those men exist yeah yeah here's a happy ending to this is like after I you know talk to you guys or your team I was thinking about it I was like wow actually I'm okay because you know know actually met someone who is like Amazing and is not like ashamed to like go down me or like no Right should be ashamed actually

Sorry no one should be ashamed. Yeah, so you're in a good place now. You found you found mr. Right mouth Yeah, so right now, I'll say that but I it was a really hard, like, you know, coming to that realization that I, you know, all women are different down there. Exactly. Exactly. That makes innocent people, men and women just feel like it's them. It's true. We walk around with it for a lifetime.

Okay, you're fine. It's good. Nothing to do with you. I'm so glad you moved on. It was a learning experience. Yeah, that's a sign. If a guy doesn't go down, yeah, I'm out. So that's some women don't like it too. That's good. Nothing to do with you. I'm so glad you moved on. He was a learning expert. That's a sign. If a guy doesn't go down, I'm out.

Some women don't like it too, that's fine, but they're not for me. You know what I'm saying? You got to find the guy who sounds like you did. You find a good partner. Yeah, for you, it's crossed. Thanks guys. Okay, thank you. Good luck.

You got this. Bye, Jamie. No oral sex, no go. Deal breaker. For some women, yes, some women, no, but here's the thing even if she was asking for a Dec rob or The same boy Because a robber

Do it just these your partner My comes wrong goes I can't reach this part of my back and it's really itchy. Could you scratch it? No, don't do that I don't feel like scratching your back there. No, it's not your match Why'd you get so upset when I said that I I want to go down on a dirty girl. I like how girls dirty. And why were you sleeping? I thought you were dirty too. I was absolutely dirty. We were all dirty. We were like banging that way. I just maybe feel like I didn't like thinking about it. It was too dirty. The whole room kind of shuttered when I said that. So I apologize. You still like saying dirty women. You said dirty martini. You started well., and for ladies that are in a similar situation right now,

and you're maybe like six months a year in a relationship, don't waste a full like two years on figuring that this guy's no good for you. Say, other way around too, if a girl refuses to do what you do for her, don't waste a bunch of time of your life. Exactly, and don't take it on and don't assume things, you guys. I mean, we do this, we make so many assumptions

and create so many stories in our head that are not true. In fact, most of the stories you create about what other people are thinking about you aren't true. Not true. We have no evidence. You'll never find out, and you're probably wrong, because you're feeding into your own securities and telling these stories back to you

that are coming from you and not validated. And that's why a lot of people have insecurities around sex. And there are people out there that are like, they've got an aversion to oral sex. And you know, this understandable, just communicate that with your partner. And say, look, it's not you.

I got this weird thing. Let's try and work through it. Yeah, and you just think it's fine to be that guy. The guy was talking about just got married. Like clearly his partner doesn't care. Like I'm just saying that there's someone for everyone, but that it's okay to not everyone, you know, it's not your job.

Don't waste two years on that lesson. Okay, we've got Annie. She's 44 from Portland, and she wants to know how to cope with the frustration of mismatch libidos. Oh, hi, Annie. Yeah. Hi, Emily. I'm so excited to talk to you.

I'm excited to talk to you too, and I've got Anderson here today as well. Hi, Annie. Oh, cool. Hi, Anderson. Who I like to, Sandy. What's going on? Tell us what's going on. Give us some back.

You know, it's, um, I feel really frustrated in my relationship right now just sexually speaking. And so we've been together for three years. And up until I would say not even a year, but definitely I've since to change in the last year where we used to just be able to, I mean, we were having sex all the time. The amazing, like, if I felt like we were very matched that way. And so my question is really, is something going on just in that time frame? Like when you've been with somebody for three years, is it normal? It's absolutely normal.

Have this big, it's very dramatic dip. It's such a dramatic dip. And I also feel like we're a little mismatched. And we've always known this in the way that I'm definitely the more sexual person. And he's an amazing lover and always been really in tune. But I feel like he's kind of at a place where he's more focused on like, oh, I'm tired. So I'm not going to make that effort. And so it doesn't matter like when I'm making the effort he's more

like you know that's not nice and he's relaxing but not getting excited. Right, right. How old is he? I'm like, oh no, I'm falling asleep. Exactly. Like trying to move us in that direction. Well how old is he? He's one year older than me.

Okay, so he's 45. Okay, so here's the thing. Yes, when you attend to your question, there's something called the honeymoon phase. And that is a real biological situation that happens. And most relationships, I'd say, if not all of them, the first six months to 18 months of a relationship is when UIs are connecting in this way, where you're serotonin, you're dopamine.

All those field of chemicals are keeping you together and keeping you locked in, and the sex is amazing, and the hormones are flying and you're connected, right? And biologically speaking, that was as long as it would take nine months to have a baby to per grade for the guy to stay around and leave the nest and go, you know, spread. It's natural. You know, but I'm serious. That's actually a real like condition, okay? So most couples will say, every go, we'll

say it's gonna change, right? Anderson, it's not the same as it was the first six months you went your way for. No, no, no, things, my question things my question of why if kids is you guys married we're not married other kids there's what I have a child but not with in a year not okay not with him good enough so we for it would be nice that definitely gives us less opportunity to just be spontaneous because there's a teenager and not a native doesn't work like we all like it to and and it comes us less opportunity to just be spontaneous because there's a teenager in the house. 1080 doesn't work like we all like it to and it becomes a sex. So that's why you have

to start talking about your sex life. Have you guys ever had to talk about your sex life? We do. I'm a super communicator and he loves that about me because he didn't have that in previous relationships. But the other kind of part two of this problem is, I think when I'm talking to him, it's making him feel like he's not satisfying me. And it's typical, right? It's true. But yeah, and so it's frustrating because we talk and then he feels pressured and that

doesn't work. I told you get it. I get the whole thing. It's, it's, listen, I told you what's happening. You're talking to him, telling him what you need. He's on, because he wants to please you on it. He's with you. He loves you. He wants to make you please and give you orgasms

and have amazing sex and connect. So when you're saying that to him, he's like, oh, no, I'm letting you down. I'm probably letting every other woman down. Like, he's beating himself up. So really, it's all about our communication style, which we can totally work on. You know, there's a way to say,

cause it's a delicate subject. Like, we're saying like, if you see a one bad thing about you, you're can totally work on. You know, there's a way to say, cause it's a delicate subject, like we were saying, like if you see a one bad thing about you, or anything in your life, you're like, oh, you're sex life, you're penis, we were talking about it to a caller earlier, you feel bad and it sticks with you. So I feel like the way you approach it is just babe, I realize that I've been, you know,

talking about our sex life and maybe I, you need to start with apologizing. Just say, let's talk about our sex life. I know I bring it up a lot and I never want to make you feel that because I love you, I love our relationship, I love when we, you know, connecting with you and our intimacy and our sex. But I'm struggling now and I need your help because I'm trying to figure out, you know, sex, obviously, I hope you agree, is important for both of us and we need to figure

way to make sure that we're both satisfied. And it's not that I'm not satisfied when we're actually having sex, but this is common. You might say, well, I only want it twice a week and you need it for, so you do it three times. And then you start to figure out, well, if there's really no time

because you're on different schedules, then you say, Saturday mornings, we do it, or we wake up, set the alarm 15 minutes earlier during the week, or we schedule sex. Scheduling sex is so underrated because people think, oh, it's so not sexy. Well, if you know you're having sex on every Saturday night and Wednesday night,

it's on your calendar. It's like you're thinking about all day, he knows it's happening, you're prepping for it, it's a little foreplay, and it's top of mind. But you know, and that is so true, Emily, and lately, I have found that I'm disconnecting because of what's going on. I'm trying to not of what's going on.

I'm trying to not anticipate like I used to be like, yeah, maybe we're having sex tonight. And now I'm like, okay, you know what I mean? You're frustrated every day. Right. So what you need is control and structure knowing what's going to happen. So say this is my idea. Say, babe, what do you think? Because obviously you think it may be for all you know, he's like, you know what, whenever you're making this up,

sweetie, when you come home from work, I still need an hour to decompress. And that's usually when you want to have sex, and I actually know that I'm better in the morning. Like maybe there's some more information you can give you, so you're like, oh, you seem to be a problem solver, Annie, and you want to make this work.

So you've got to just listen, ask him questions, have him talk. It's time for you to be like in a very loving, non-dudgmental, you know, non like confrontive way, whether he's doing things wrong, but like, I really want us to connect again how we did, let's find a solution together. Yeah. It's really just changing the, your tone and it's the timing and little ways that you do it. But I think you'll be able to get what you, what you want from him because he wants to please you any what's he do for living what does he do yes

he's an architect okay so it's not a lot of physical labor right he's he's on not yet not a lot i mean sometimes but usually no yet there's lots of death time and you know he should also get checked out like his test as i was for you for you can be okay but maybe there's some other health stuff going on too and also is a guy in the room Andy I want to caution you with Being too overzealous with getting more

When he's giving you less because the last thing you want to do is push him into a place where he feels like you know Meeting your needs as a chore which I've been in that situation before and that's like the That you hit the nail on the shelf. It's another idea I want to do list, right now. You gotta be careful with that. And I'm kind of just picturing him like this old like classic truck that you know, you love and when it drives, it's great, but it takes a while to warm up.

And it might be wrong to say, and I might come off like a massage nurse, but it sounds like you should just give him, you need to work on him a little bit more. Maybe you know, like we were talking earlier in the show about massage, isn't stuff. He gets home and I'm not saying, you know, like we were talking earlier in the show about massage isn't stuff. He gets home and I'm not saying, you know, like wait on him like a hand in foot,

but you know, start with a massage, talk about his day or talk about your day and then kind of, you know, get him warmed up. I think there needs to be more work in this little truck of yours. And more of a kind of this thing and more of a kindness around it that like let's do it together.

Show, don't tell. Like instead of talking about like I need more sex, you need to give me more sex at least four times a week. I kind of like show them what you're looking for perhaps. And like yeah. Yeah, and I think I just I find that I start down that road and then I start feeling so frustrated about the whole thing that then I just back off completely. Right.

And so there's probably a mixed message that's happening there hearing what you guys are saying that is absolutely true that I have my moments of being understanding and then I feel selfish and like I just want to have. Right. Speaking of selfish. I like any sex. Why not sex toys for yourself to kind of get you know where you need to be fix it

and that's that's this is one other aspect of it that i would love to ask you guys about to is that he has a real i've done that before where i've even like tried do masturbating in front of him or like if i think he's already sleeping maybe i'm just kind of taking care of myself I think he's already sleeping, you know, maybe I'm just kind

of taking care of myself. Yeah, when he's off, he doesn't like it. He does not like it. He's like, that makes me feel like I'm not taking care of you. And it's not something he wants to know that I'm doing. Right. So I think some of you guys got a role. Yeah, you got a role back in the little bit.

You got to say, I haven't listened to this to be honest. I feel like you need to tell him, honey, I feel like maybe I've been going about it wrong. I mean, you don't have to have him listen to this. But tell him everything you're telling us. I feel like it's not right. I feel like I shut down. I feel like this is, let's figure out a way. You know what I mean?

Just be really honest with him. Doesn't he? Because he wants, I'm sure he wants sex and connection. And you both, I'm going to assume you both want the same thing, but you don't know quite how to please both of you. So that's why you got to get that language about it. And things will start coming up. Maybe he's gonna tell you what he needs

and ways that he hasn't before. And is a good one too, because a lot of females I think would be going like, oh my God, is he cheating on me? Does he not like me anymore? She's never even brought any of that up. They're good, they're not going to be like. You got this.

It's just really just communicating in a different way. Try something different. No, I know he's so solid and I love him. And I know he loves me. It's, yeah, we just definitely love this weird hiccup and I don't like it. Okay, well, you got, now you got some advice. I think that I think this is good.

Listen to it again when it comes out, have them listen to it, but just talk to them, do it. You'll feel so much better. It's not gonna happen in night, but just it's an ongoing conversation and you both feel comfortable in. Okay, Annie, thank you. Okay, really good advice.

Thanks for coming. Thank you so much. So welcome, Annie. Good luck to you. You got this. Have a great night. Thanks. Bye.

Thank you. Okay, bye. It's interesting. A lot of times, so interesting. It really is about the tone and the timing and the conversation. You're right. She could sound like she's like,

every time she sees him coming and she's like, hey, let's get it on. And he's like, oh no, the sex talk again. like, hey, let's get out and he's like oh no the sex talk again Yeah, so it's just really just kind of taking time He's one of those guy. Maybe it's because I'm lazy but like you know if a sex toy gets broken out in the bedroom I'm not gonna be threatened by it. I can be like all right less work for me Dude my second my my second wish next to a Lou but every night sand is like literally just men to understand when Everyone understand that sex toys are not out there to hurt you. So they're too help you.

It's absolutely correct. I'm not threatened by a car that gets me to work. Like, oh, the car can go faster than me. Do you know what I mean? Technology. Let's use it to the best of our games. I got you. Thanks everyone for listening.

This was a fun show. I love talking to you guys. It's been awesome. Thank you for subscribing on iTunes and reviewing the show. You can actually subscribe a lot of places now, but we appreciate when you review it. I'm so thankful for your positive reviews and you can like I said check it all out in social media It's at sex with Emily. Thank you to my amazing team Ken Jamie our intern Shannon and Jenny producer Lark and Michael Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamlee.com feedback at sexwithmlay.com.