Sex With Emily - Sex Talk With My Therapist, Dr. Anadel Barbour

Episode Date: September 25, 2020

It’s no mystery that things have been more stressful than usual these days. When life feels chaotic, our relationships and sex lives tend to suffer, and so it’s important to reset the mind and focus on the present. That’s why I’ve brought on my therapist Dr. Anadel Barbour to discuss the coping mechanisms and mindfulness techniques I use to reignite my best self.Dr. Barbour and I talk about EMDR therapy and its revolutionary healing power, specifically in the face of trauma. We also talk about the difference between your thoughts vs. the truth and how to eliminate overthinking in the bedroom. Stick around for the end of the episode, when Dr. Barbour leads us through a full body positivity scan because, let’s face it, loving a partner begins with loving yourself.For more information about Dr. Anadel Barbour, visit: anadelbarbour.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show I interview Dr. Annadelle Barbour about EMDR therapy, mindfulness, in and outside the bedroom. I had to move through trauma because hey, now's the time to talk about it. All this is more thanks for listening. Because thoughts are just thoughts. And honestly they're not the truth. We think they're the truth but they're not the truth. You can't be anxious anymore when you're truly in the moment. The four foundations of mindfulness are the breath, the body, then we notice the tone of thing and then we look at our state of mind. You know are we agitated or happier sad. Feelings are not facts,

your thoughts are not the truth. It's so freeing to realize it, but it just takes a beat to realize the notion of understanding that. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Bet through eyes they call them in a bygone day. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Alright, so for each show, I want to start it off by setting an intention for the show and I encourage you to do the same. I haven't done this in a while, but it's something that I think is really important to bring back to the show. So what do I mean by this? Well, when you're listening, I want you to think about what you want to get out of listening to this episode and how you think it may help you. For example, it could be, I will learn more about why therapy is important and see if it's something I could be interested in or it could be, I've just been wanting to learn more about mindfulness practices in my everyday life. My intention for this show is to teach you all about mindfulness

and how to actually put it into practice in all areas of your life, including the bedroom. All right, enjoy the show. I'm excited for my guest today, Dr. Ann Adel Barbour. She's a licensed MFP, has a doctorate in human sexuality, a certified EMDR therapist she's in Los Angeles. Not only all of that, she's also my therapist. And I thought, why not welcome her to the show?

And we've wanted this to happen for a while and I'm so excited now more than ever. Not only do I need your help, we all do. Welcome to the show, Annadel. Thank you, Emily. It's really, really an honor and a pleasure to be here with you. I'm excited. It's very exciting.

Very, very. It is. You know, I was thinking about it. I've had a lot of thoughts about, wow, there's so many places to go with this. And the first thing I thought was I am a huge advocate, proponent for therapy. And I often say, I don't think a show goes by where I don't recommend that somebody needs should try therapy. It's my belief that everyone can use some therapy every now and then.

They just think about it like you're dentist or just a tune up for your car. I've been in therapy with you for about two years. And then before that, I've been in different kinds of therapy. So I've been in therapy since I was about 19 on and off. At first, it was talk therapy, traditional therapy, which was great. I mean, I think that there's something to be said for really starting to understand your issues, your upbringing, your childhood. You know, I remember going into therapy in my 20s where I thought, oh, yeah, my parents

got divorced and my dad died, but I'm good. I'm just anxious. Like, everything's fine, right? And then you go and therapy and you start to unpack everything. But I remember someone saying to me once, oh, therapy, it's like peeling back the layers of the onion. I didn't really understand it. Then I say you for two years, I'm like, there's so many more layers to peel

that I hadn't even touched. And so I guess I just would like to talk about therapy in general. Maybe we talk about the kind of therapy that you do if someone needs to get therapy. Where do they start? Well, I think people need to actually be willing to do some work because therapy isn't just going and talking to someone and finding out about your life. There is an hour with your therapist

once a week or twice or once every other week depending on what people do. There's work in between. or once every other week, depending on what people do, there's work in between. And so for me, my belief and the way I believe and work is that I like my clients to learn about themselves, but also to become empowered, to regulate their own emotions, and understand that sometimes the why doesn't matter. It's what are you gonna do about it now? And so that's why I think therapy is

important because we don't know exactly what to do when we're feeling confused, anxious, frustrated, sad. And so it's about learning what to do. I think that's what you do that. What's interesting is you're right, the why. Oh, because this happened to be my childhood or my mother was like this or my father was like this, what you're saying is he will come to you. It doesn't even matter what happened. What, how is it manifesting today?

How do you do, how do you do something when you're sad or angry or do you even know what that is? So you help people sort of unpack that. Is that what you mean by the why? Like all the details up it aren't as important? Well, the details are important because they brought you there, but it's not like you always have to talk about them.

For instance, you came to me because you had a family issue. And you actually didn't think you had any kind of trauma. And so trauma can come in different forms. It could be just a lot of maladaptive family patterns that created maladaptive, you know, if he had some neglect or an angry father, mother, a guy that father that was never there, addiction in the family, that kind of thing. So those things shape who we are, but you're coming to therapy for a current problem.

And so we actually get a little bit of details with EMDR therapy in particular. Let's talk about that. We get details from the past that they're not, they don't have to be the story. Because EMDR therapy focuses on a traumatic event and then we bilaterally stimulate your brain. And so your brain is the thing that is going to help heal you. And the story is in there.

I don't need to know the story. I don't need to know the why. You know the why really. And so it's going to come out in therapy. And so there's mindful therapies that I've been doing for a long time and an EMDR is something that directly affects the brain, which is quite mindful in and of itself. And so that's what it is. It's about paying attention. Paying attention to what's happening right now, regardless of what happened in the past. Yeah, exactly.

It was such a great distinction because for some people who have trauma, they're like, well, I don't want to relive it. And that is the thing about EMDR, which is trauma therapy, that it doesn't really necessarily matter what happened. It rewires your brain. It truly does. And you're right. When I came to you, I was having a traumatic event

that I need to help with. But this is the other thing. I mean, it's been two years now. And I've grown so much and I've learned so much. But you're right. I did not know about complex PTSD. I actually had tried EMDR years ago in San Francisco and I just didn't stick with it or I wasn't ready, but this was a game-changer.

If people don't know, let's just explain real quickly what like the process of EMDR, what it stands for. Okay. Well, and someone was asking me about it earlier before we got on your shell here. EMDR has been around since 1989, 90, Francine Shapiro is the therapist that came up with this process. She was working with PTSD war veterans doing trauma therapy. It wasn't EMDR, obviously.

And then her own experience, she calls this the famous walk in the park, which is why I've helped her come up with this idea. She got diagnosed with cancer. And so she saw some mindfulness practices to help her with her cancer. And so through her own mindfulness practices, she was actually taking a walk one day. She was obsessing about her cancer. When she finished with the walk, she realized two things.

Her eyes were moving back and forth, and she was no longer upset about her cancer. It was still there. She still had some fears, but she was no longer upset by it. So through some trial and error with the clients she had and the colleagues she worked with, they made a discovery about the brain that if you bilaterally stimulate the brain, the three parts of the brain get activated all at the same time and start communicating. Now the three parts of the brain that we have, because we all know about right and left hemisphere stuff, correct, we do actually have a tri the brain that we have, because we all know about ripe and left hemisphere stuff, correct.

We do actually have a triune brain. We have a reptile brain, which comes up in our spinal cord, and it's our base instincts. We need water. We need food. We need shelter, right? Fight or fly kind of starts there, right? And then we have a mammal brain.

And that's the limbic system. That's in the middle of our brain. And that's where our emotions are, the thomas that have both campus, all that gray matter, and there's something called an amygdala that's in the middle of that. And the amygdala, part of the limbic system, is like our SIM card. And that's where we remember everything, the way it happened. And then humans have this neocortex. So we have a frontal cortex, and that's where our rational and meaning-making stuff is. So what happens when we get into a trauma, something that scares us, our fight or flight can't then.

The blood starts flowing and then it stops. It doesn't get to our rational thinking. So we're stuck in our limbic system, trying to figure out how to get out of things that upset us. And so it could be your dad dying. It can be getting in a car accident. It could be being a child of an alcoholic or a drug addict, constant eggshell stuff, right?

So you're in fight or flight for so long, you never really get a chance to process and know that you're okay. And so with EMDR, what they discovered was activating all three parts of the brain, focusing on traumatic event, the brain can communicate finally, and it can process from the maladaptive part into the rational adaptive thinking. And that's what the reprocessing is and the desensitization. So EM as I movement, DR as desensitization and reprocessing. And so that's how it came about. And it's evidence-based.

It's been around for over 30 years. Now you can actually see brain scan. If you go online, pre and post-EMDR stuff, right? So it's very interesting. I think it's the most interesting therapy right now. And I can't. I always tell Anadela, like, I'll be at lunch with someone. We tell him to pass, saying, I'm just like,

calling Anadela, just go. Like, trust me, you know? But I love the way you described it because I could picture myself, for example, as a kid. So let's say I find out my dad dies, I was 19 years old. So the back of my brain, I get that terrible news and that is a trauma. And then what you're saying is it's just in here.

So I'm scared and I'm worried and I make, and so it never gets up to the rational brain that's like can call me, it can be okay. It can kind of make sense of it. It like literally cannot do the journey. Can't move. Can't travel. Stuck in the migtail under your leg at the back. And then so then that is just and that becomes a repeated way of processing information. So what was interesting is when I used to hear about EMDR early on, I thought it was like, oh, I'd heard about the Francine, French, French, French, Shapiro. French, French, Shapiro. And I thought it was for war vets. Or like PTSD is just one

thing, a car accident, or someone dies, but complex PTSD was a whole new level for me. And then I realized, wow, a lot of people have complex PTSD. So, you know, if you're listening to this, it doesn't mean it's gonna be one major traumatic event. I happen to be bountiful in my traumas. I had, I had my dad dying, and then I had a lot of emotional and neglect growing up, and they pile up.

What is it three or four that happened before a certain age? Things are traumatic. I don't know if you've been nervous. I don't know if there's a number, the glck growing up and they pile up. What is it three or four that happened before a certain age? Things that are traumatic. I don't know if you've been in the numbers. I don't know if there's a number, but it's complex because it doesn't just happen over one day or hour or like nine, 11, but it happens almost chronically.

It's often and it's repetitive. For example, I don't feel confident in something or I feel there's so many. I feel insecure or I feel stupid. You're not good enough. I'm not good enough. Okay, that's good. I'm not good enough. Something happens.

I made a mistake. And then there's actually ways that you would give me a sheet to identify what that is, right? I don't feel good enough. And then the interesting thing about EMDR2 when it opens up your brain is that, well, you realize that most of these crippling thoughts that we have about ourselves aren't new. It's not the first time I felt I made a mistake

or I couldn't trust my own judgment. Or, you know, then you go back and you're like, oh, the first time I was six. I mean, that's amazing what you remember. And then through the process, it just, I guess how I described it, it just starts to have the things that might have triggered you start to have less of a charge.

You start to be able to understand the chaos in my life and then like making peace with it. So it's almost like your trauma becomes just another thing. Like it doesn't have to own me. It's always, nothing's gonna go away, but I'm totally a different person, but you have a different relationship to your issues. Yes, yes, that's the perfect way to put it.

They kind of become in a quaintance, maybe. Like maybe you'd have them over for dinner, but then they should have to leave before dessert. They're not there all the time. Okay, I'm gonna take a quick break. Be right back with more sex with Emily. Anodils has a doctorate in human sexuality and she wrote a book called Sex and Sobriety, a qualitative narrative exploration of the utilization of mindfulness practices for enjoyable sober sex.

Now before you freak out, you're like, but I'm not sober. I realized, too, and another reason why I wanted to have you on is because one of the biggest challenges people face is their mind and their worryness and their thoughts are getting in the way of them experiencing pleasure in the bedroom. Yeah. Well, and, you know, and life. Toronto's a good segue into that,

because the trauma work has a lot of mindfulness work in it. And when we talk about mindfulness, it's, you know, it's in the zeitgeist. It's been kind of like part of society's talk for the past 10 or 15 years. It's been around of like part of society's talk for the past 10 or 15 years. It's been around for 3,000. And so we lose sight of what it might really be. And so we try and keep it really simple because mindfulness is really the art of paying

attention to the present moment without judgment. So it's not necessarily meditation and not necessarily going to an ashram and getting rid of all the thoughts in your mind, right? It's just paying attention in the present moment, being aware, without judgment of yourself. And so, it's a very difficult prospect because we have this automatic negative bias in our brain. Because of the fight or fight. We wake up in fear and then our parasympathetic nervous system tells us to calm down. But we also get so busy, we become kind of mindless, right? We get in the car, we go,

we have to go, we go to work, we become kind of robotic. And this is what happens to humans. It's just about not paying attention to what's really going on. And who knows why we end up that way. We have a very busy world. So I think more people have a more difficult time getting into the present moment. But you know, it's really about paying attention to everything that's going on. And that's why mindfulness is so important because it helps you regulate your own emotions. If you're anxious, you can use a mindfulness practice to calm your own anxiety. That's why it's used with the trauma work, right? If you're depressed, you can use mindfulness practices to elevate your mood. When you're in fear, you can calm yourself down. It doesn't mean the danger is gone, but you get

into the rational part of your brain, and you can start making more rational decisions of how to solve problems. And it's the same with sex. It's the same with fear of sex. Now, again, I'm glad you mentioned don't be afraid, because this doesn't apply to me, because I'm not sober. My study was specifically about people that get sober, because I am sober, 18 years, 19 in a couple of months. And people that use substances for a great amount of time, and it doesn't have to be 20 years, like I did.

It can be 10 years, but the substances are primary in their life, and it affects their lives so much that they have to stop doing all these substances. Now, it also affects your body. So a lot of people have a relationship to being loaded and having sex. And all of a sudden, they're not loaded and they got to have sex. Oh my God. And so, that's really what my research project was about.

But this stuff applies to everyone because we all get nervous. We all lose touch. We all may get bored with our partner or don't know how to find a partner or we equate love and sex. And so we're having sex with too many people and not really finding that it's enjoyable because we don't really have a connection. It could be so many different things. And so this is why the mindfulness practices of yoga, meditation, breathing, concentration

bring us into a place where we can actually choose what we want to do, how we want to feel, who we want to be with. That was such a great way of putting it, Anadal, because I think when people call into the show or send emails and stuff, they're like, how we say, well, do you have a mindfulness practice? I try to tell them, this is what could help you, but I think that it's so intimidating to people, well, they have to go to an ashram,

or they have to, if they didn't do yoga every day. And I love the way you describe mindfulness because it's so true that if you are, I don't know how to say it, but when you learn to be mindful, and it's not like you have to just, yeah, your thoughts go away for 20 minutes, but even if it's for five minutes and you're mindful, the best thing about it is you're truly

in the present moment with all your senses, your breath, your sense of your scent, your smell, I mean, scent and touch, hearing things, you can't be anxious anymore when you're truly in the moment. Like it just, even if it's for a second, and so that practice of that muscle getting stronger is what will help you not only in the bedroom, but every area of your life. And I'm glad that you described described the sobriety thing because in a sense everybody who is having these challenges in the bedroom like they might as well

if they're sober or not, it's the same problem. It's the same I've got to worry about being in the situation. It's just spiking my anxiety. It's making me worried. Right. Well, so let's talk about pre-menopausal post-menopausal stuff. Let's do it. Just as an example, the body changes internally. We don't even know what's going on. And all of a sudden, you go to have sex, and there's so much pain, and it feels like there's no moisture

and nothing inside, and it hurts. And I mean, it feels like there's no moisture and nothing inside and it hurts. And it, I mean, it's like a washboard or something. Right. What happened? And so then we start getting afraid to have sex. And all of a sudden, we're feeling old. We're feeling icky. We don't like ourselves anymore.

So then we start having a negative relationship with even someone we've been with for 30 years or something or 20 or whatever it is because our bodies are changing and we don't know what to do with it. And so the fear starts taking over and we look for medications and we look for lubricants, we look for stuff, but we don't look within. We don't pay attention to what's really going on, and we don't accept it. See, this is the thing that causes suffering for people.

We don't accept what's going on, we want it to be different. And so that's why we get afraid, and that's why we get angry, and that's why we start craving things. We want it to be different. And so that's why we get afraid. And that's why we get angry. And that's why we start craving things. We want things to be different. Or we want to get rid of the things that don't feel good or don't make us happy or are not working. And so that's why accepting things as they are, good, better, and different, is the way to find the solution. And the solution can be right in front of you, or you may have to go get a lubricant or a toy or something, right?

But at least you'll know. So what you're saying is if we're truly mindful in the most, where that's a mindfulness thing too, to say, I'm not going to just run off and what's wrong with me and shut down my sex. I'm going to be paid attention and be like, oh, except we are at in your life, the age, you're at the time, you're at honor, what you have, what you had, what you've, and from that place, say what's available to me now. Yeah, rather than a person.

If this hurts, what can I do? If someone's penis going inside of me is way too painful, maybe we can start doing moral sex. Maybe we can start watching something together. Then you're going to notice, oh my gosh, what kind of relationship do I have with my partner? Do we even talk about this stuff? So now, you know, there's a new level of, okay, I gotta, I gotta learn how to talk about

this stuff. And so that's when we start doing practices to teach ourselves how to love ourselves and have joy and compassion. And so there's, there's meditations that you can do to instill loving kindness for yourself, forgiveness for yourself, compassion for yourself. And then you can actually send it to body parts. And I got to say, I did go to Ashrams. I went to three.

I spent three different times in my life, ten days in silence. And it wasn't until I worked with you that I felt that I was actually able to do that integration, that my practice of meditation and mindfulness is actually stronger now. I have to be kind to myself because I don't have a few weeks where I don't do it, but it's way stronger than before. And even just the practice of taking a moment in the morning, like you always say, you're like, do it before anything and you gave me the permission of like, even if it's two minutes, even if it's when you wake up and you're like sending love to myself and others, you realize that it really flips it on his head because you also, not only

can you be mindful and elsewhere, you can't be grateful and be in anxiety. That's one thing you're really willing to do. So, it's such a helpful grounding exercise. But before we get into some of the exercises, I do have a question about this. But we're talking about his calming or mind. I would say that a lot of the sexual challenges that people face, I'm talking about premature ejaculation, inability to orgasm, even delayed ejaculation. Wouldn't you say that a lot of that is more psychological than it is a repeated patterns, like,

because then as for men, I feel like it happens once they premature ejaculate or twice and then it's just like, it's been happening for 10 years. Like how do we get ahead of that stuff? So that can be very complex, but the answer is yes it is and always rule out something medical first. First, yes, absolutely.

Rule it out, go to your doctor. Are you on medications? You know. And then secondly, I have a lot of clients that come on and with many of those issues. And MDR can actually help with the anxiety with some of that. So the bilateral brain stimulation and focusing on that moment of, oh my god, I came too soon, right? And then then the brain makes these connections. And sometimes we find that it might be separation anxiety as a child that makes you fearful that if you do something wrong with someone, they're going to leave you, right? So it's this long line of stuff. That's not necessarily true, but that happened with one of my clients, right? So, but if it's not that, if it's just

shame because it happened, it's working on the shame. And that's what mindfulness practices can help with, because you can learn how to relieve yourself of shame. Look, I'm telling you all this stuff because teachers have taught me and teachers have taught them. This is not new stuff. So we'll talk about it, but please, everyone, there are resources out here to learn what this stuff is. Four foundations of mindfulness are the breath, the body, then we notice the tone of thing, right? We notice if things are pleasant and pleasant for neutral and this is the the speed version of it. And then we look at our state of mind and that's you know are we agitated or happy or sad? And so that's the first thing we kind of work on, that core of breath, body, you know,

are things good, bad or not, and then how are we feeling about ourselves? And then as we integrate all that and pay attention to that, we start looking at our thoughts. And we pay attention to what are those thoughts comprised of? How many negative things am I saying? What kind of relationship do I have with my body? This person. Why am I always constantly putting myself down?

So that's where the mindfulness practices come in to redirect those negative thoughts and say wait a second Is that the truth? Because thoughts are just thoughts and they're honestly they're not the truth We think they're the truth, but they're not the truth They're just things that keep going and keep going And so part of the practice is noticing your thoughts and telling them they're not the truth. And then you're looking for the truth. And the truth is in the moment. It's beautifully said, because if you think about it,

it's like your brain is stuck on one channel that you're programming, but you don't even know that you're programming because it's the only channel you've ever seen. But once you realize that you could actually switch the channel, by switching the channel is infusing it with some mindfulness statements or whatever works for you.

I have a note document in my phone from my sessions with Annabelle that's at the very top. And it's really some of these phrases that I do during meditation or when I feel like I need to calm. And it's just so helpful to just say, oh, feelings are not facts, your thoughts are not the truth. It's so freeing to realize it, but it just takes a beat to realize the notion of understanding that takes a little bit of time. Because we don't really realize,

but we've been conditioned. However old you might be, you've been operating with this belief and these thoughts for a long time. So it's going to take a while to unravel them and change them. That's why it takes a while. And paying attention, the more you do it, the more dedication you can give to yourself. You know, you can really notice it, a difference.

Sex with Emily will continue after this quick word from our sponsors. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Is there a hack? Because there will be times where I leave your office, I'm like, okay, I'm going to pay attention to me getting in the elevator. And then by the time I press the button, I'm on the phone, right? Like, even right now, I have gratitude on my computer and opposed it. I have break, take a break.

I have breath and loving kindness, right? And they're sitting right here on my laptop, so that can kind of help. But for some people, it feels very unattainable or they don't have the time. And yes, and I think you used a really important word unattainable because we're really not attaining anything. We are cultivating some stuff. Exactly. And we cultivate it and it grows and we experience it. And so all of us

want to attain enlightenment and go to Nirvana, but that's what we're seeking. But if you ask any leader, teacher from Christ to Buddha to whoever, you know, it really is about the journey. Keep doing it. Keep looking for it because I don't think we ever really find it. But we do have glimpse of it. Yeah, it's true. The dots start to connect and you're it's easier to get back into it, but it is, I love that. I used to think that, that you get to one place and then, oh, everything's perfect. It's always going to be a little bit up and down and then you just kind of have tools

to navigate it. So like, especially now, like talking about, you know, I've often said that we're all in a trauma right now in a way. Some people more severely than others. But it has altered life suddenly for many. And that could be traumatic, right? So right now, we are talking about this month's six in. But have you noticed anything in your practice or in the world?

Is my first question, the second is, is there anything we could do right now to collectively deal with this? Okay. I'm thinking about clients that I have. And this is so big. This is making most people have an existential crisis that they've never had before. They don't know even what that is. And the existentialists believe we're born and we die. And so if we're gonna die,

what are we gonna do in between kind of? I mean, we know we're gonna die. And it's not fair, right? Right, so that's a simplification of. That's a simplification, but really, it's the why are we here? Mm-hmm. And people are starting to question that and we live in a town where a lot of people's

identities are wrapped up in what they do. Mm-hmm. And all of a sudden people are going, what I do is no longer here. So who am I? And so this is why these practices are really more important than never. And people are afraid to really look within because it's difficult and it takes time. And a lot of us have plowed through enough to go, I've worked really hard to be where I am. And I don't need to go back.

But it's not about needing to go back. It's about you just paying attention to why are you so afraid? Why is your identity in this when you are your identity? We're all part of something, right? It's not what we do, it's who we are. And some of us don't know what that is yet. You know, we live in a world of a lot of social media and influencers. And so even the words, selfies, we have a society that has a vocabulary has created personalities to go with them. And so now, you know, things are just quite different. And we're with ourselves a lot.

A lot. And we can't influence anybody anymore. No, exactly. You know, and so, so again, those kind of identities are also shifted. And it's too big for this conversation to really talk about, but I'm speaking of someone in particular that I worked with. And it was a person that really never had a lot of tragedies per se in their life. And it was inexplicable that he could not get out of fear of death and anxiety. He could not figure it out, but he could not get out of it. And so we worked a lot just focusing on the anxiety

and where he was feeling it in his body and the thoughts that he had. And a lot of the thoughts were about his parents are getting older. And oh my gosh, they may really go, right? And what would life be without them? And I'm gonna die soon them? And I'm going to die soon. What have I done?

What am I contributing? What does it mean to be alive? And then we tapped into some trauma. And so we started looking at that. And we did some reprocessing sessions. And something came up. He remembered being at a party just last year and swallowing something and choking. And he didn't tell anyone. But he was really

choking. And he was too ashamed to tell anyone that he was choking. So he went in the bathroom and he had to stick his finger down his throat and he saved his own life. But he almost died. And so he's been walking around with that fear. But it's all about death, and he couldn't figure out why he was so afraid and couldn't shake it because of COVID. Wow. Right?

And it was really something that happened to him. And so once we, he released that, his anxiety started to eat. And he began to do some mindfulness exercises and taking walks and taking walks and doing intentions of loving kindness. And so he now reports that he doesn't have any anxiety. And he talks to his parents every day on the phone because he knows they're in their 80s.

They could go, right? So just to stay in the moment with them and be with them, it's so hard to explain because we all have our own experiences. That was a beautiful explanation because I was actually on Dr. Drew's podcast a few weeks ago and I was trying to explain to him my EMDR work and I kind of told a similar example of what my own experience, but what I love about that is when we say things like, you got to do your inner work, you got to go inside. I don't always know that that's clear to people and everyone's journey looks different, but that was a beautiful way to explain the sort of securedist route if you really commit

to the process of going to therapy and working on EMDR, I think is great because it just unerr saw these things that you never would have done. That's the fun when you're like, oh my god The feeling of leaving a therapy session and when you're like, ah That's a connection. I didn't know you know not every single session's like that But the times when you connect the dots or why things have happened and then it gets released It's just I can't think well and then you do work in between and you come back and you say, oh my gosh I discovered this and my gosh, I discovered

this. And my chaos and I had lunch today. And guess what? Right? Yeah. I was like, I recognize my chaos. I didn't even let it in the door, right? I was like, no, not today.

So yeah, I sort of personifying it in a way too, the challenge is you just look at it differently. It's really incredible work. And I think you're right right now, this going inward thing that our natural inclination is to get away from it. Like if I'm feeling pain, I'm going to drink, shop, exercise, have sex. I'm going to do anything that will numb me. Exercise is really good. Try exercising and really paying attention to what's going on and thinking your body.

But yoga came about because people were sitting around meditating and their bodies hurt, right? And so there was a moving into meditation. See, if we do yoga with the goal of a spiritual goal rather than my body looking good. That's not a bad thing. Rather than a six pack. Right. Right. And that can happen.

But so moving, walking meditations, moving, jogging meditations, dancing meditations, things that move your body, it does create an integration. And if you pay attention, you'll notice how much you don't like parts of your body, where some pains are that you didn't know they were there. When you pay attention to your emotions, as you move, it's the flow that opens up. And so mindful movement is very effective and very important. Absolutely. Okay, there's a lot there because I think there's the moving your body to be mindful of just how

you feel in your body. Like the walking meditation that I did, the first time I did the retreat, there was a walking and a sitting meditation. But the walking was like all you have to do is like breathe and focus on like just moving one step, paying attention to what was happening, walking up and down the same path, which is harder than you think, right?

But the thing about that is making the connection of my feet are on the ground. They are moving, they are walking. We never do that. We don't. And something happened to me. I have a lot of chronic pain because I have scoliosis in my back.

And so it has affected me. And so when I started paying attention, I was pretty aware of where the pain was coming from. And I was doing a walking meditation. And every time I put my right foot down, it hurt. And so I started just noticing this pain, my my right foot down it hurt. And so I started just noticing this pain, my right foot and it hurt. And I noticed the curve in my spine. And I was saying, Hello, curve. How are you? I know you're telling me something. I just can't figure

out why I have to suffer like that. And I looked up and there was a tree in front of me. And the trunk curved just like my fine. And I looked at it and I went, well, the tree survives hundreds of years with a curve, so can I, right? And all of a sudden, I just had this different relationship. I'm like, look, I'm fine, I'm standing

up straight, I'm going towards the sky. It's okay. And I'm telling you, the pain is just very different. It's just very different. It's like they say there's, there's so many miracles right in front of us that you might not have seen that tree, right? How many trees have we walked past?

And it's those are the beautiful moments. And in that moment, you stop being attached. You're just like, okay, there it is. And that is such a great example of that that makes so much sense. What about our trauma's being stored in our body and releases that can happen through this kind of work? There's a lot of different therapies out now that help with body trauma and E&DR is one of them because it's a whole brain therapy and we focus on the body, the emotions and

the memories. But somatic stuff works really well, even trauma-focused yoga. You know, because what happens is we don't know where to store it. If it gets stuck, we got a forge on, right? So maybe we tend to step a lot when we were a kid. I noticed that my right shoulder always hiked up. I never even noticed it until I started doing this work, right? And so if we have lower back pain, it means something.

If we have one need that's always hurting. If something comes up, if we feel nauseous, I've had clients say, I've always had this pain in my chest. And after doing some work, they're like, it's moving, it's moving down. It doesn't hurt so much anymore. There's a book, the body keeps a score, vessel, band, or- Love that book. Yeah. You can get it online, everyone's reading it now. So it's kind of

dense, but it's quite interesting. It's really, it's all this work. Work can really help. Mindfulness, Mindful Yoga, the combination of it, therapy, EMDR therapy, you know, all that. Yeah, all of it works. And I mean, I just think, we would have people who say, I can't afford therapy. I don't have time for therapy. I don't need therapy. I mean, are you the school thought with me that everybody could use some therapy?

I think everybody could use some therapy. And not everybody can afford it. And so, you know, I take sliding scales. EMDR is now evidence-based. And so a lot of insurances are approving a certain amount of therapies for EMDR is now evidence-based, and so a lot of insurances are approving a certain amount of therapies for EMDR. So please check with your insurance companies if you do have insurance. There's different clinics that have EMDR in their staff does it, like at Southern California Counseling Center here in Los Angeles,

but you can probably find some online across the country. There's also a site called Emdria EMDRIA. And it has therapists nationally, and maybe internationally, but you can put in, your address and a therapist within five miles and the price point that you can work with. So you can find therapy for pretty low cost. EMDR-A.

EMDR-IA. And that's how people could find a therapist or EMDR-theorabist. An EMDR therapist. Let's do body scan and then we'll go. A body scan is something that a lot of people know because people talk about it on all these meditation side. And so go ahead and whatever your idea of a body skin is bad is it, but I call this and I love my body skin because we forget how precious our bodies are.

We just do. And so let's just sit for a minute and it'll take about two, three minutes maybe. And so if anyone that's listening can just settle into where you're sitting and lean back comfortably, you can leave your eyes open or close. And right now, the foundation, the life breath, which is our breath, just focus into that right now. And just notice it. And notice your feet on the floor, or if you're sitting on a cushion, press your points of your body, leaning on a couch, sitting on a chair, air buds in. What does that feel like? You just know them.

And now just start at the top of your head and I'm just going to guide you into an I love my body skin. And so focus on your brain and everything it does for you. All by your emotions, it helps you make choices. It wakes you up and activates all your senses. So tell your brain, I love you brain. Thank you for everything you do. And then your eyes and your nose and your ears, your teeth and your tongue. Everything that makes you human to see and hear, taste,

swallow, speak. I love you. Eyes, ears, nose, nose. Thank you for everything you do. And then just gently follow your body down through your neck and your throat. The shoulders and the arms down to the magical elbows. The forearms, the hands, the wrists, think about every joint in the fingers, every joint in the thumb and your wrist, the bones, the muscles. They hold people and put things down. I love your hands and arms and shoulders. Thank you. And then, scan your torso, the breastburn and the breasts, and your ribcage and your heart and lungs and the spinal cord, all the organs leading down into your pelvis.

Thank your organs for working so perfectly to digest and help you breathe and live in the hips and the hip joints, the genital area, the digestive system, thank you, I love you. You're getting me through this day. And now pay attention to each thigh, the front, the back, down to the knee, those knee that are so precious. The layers that help us sit and stand and walk. Be, thank your knees and die. For your strength, in helping me move forward.

And the shins and the calves, and all those muscles that wrap around each other into the feet, with the arch and the heel and the toes, and all those bones and joints that help us stand and lay down, and walk there. Thank you, feet. I love you, feet.

And one last bit of gratitude for the skin and the blood and the thoughts and the feelings that come and go as a whole being, a body, a mind and a spirit. I love my body skin and then coming into this moment, right? You, right. And take a nice inhale and a nice exhale. And open your eye and here we are. That's good.

I always say to her, like, that's good shit. I do. Thank you, Anadel. Anadel, that was very helpful. So we can find you at anadelbarboard.com, B-A-R-B-O-U-R dot com, anything else? In your book. On Amazon or on Doris Publishing dot com,

I think there's an e-book available to do. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you, guys. I'll talk to you soon. That was awesome. It was really great. That's it for today's episode. Thanks so much for listening to Sex with Emily.

There's so much more to talk about. So don't miss my next episode. Subscribe to Sex with Emily right now. Do it. Dizzy. Do it right now. You can find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily.

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