Sex With Emily - Sex: The De-stressor

Episode Date: November 21, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is talking about the spillover effect of stress into your sex life. Plus, she’s taking your calls & answering your sex related questions. She breaks down why it’s important to separate your work life from your sex life, what to do when you’ve opened up your marriage but no longer feel sexually adequate enough for your wife, & how to confront your partner about a bag of never-before-seen sex toys.Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and at today's show I'm talking about the impact stress has on your sex life. And it's a big one. Plus, I'm taking your calls and answering your sex-related questions. Topics include, why you need to separate your work life from your sex life, because hey, work-related stress is a killer in the bedroom. So you've opened up your marriage, but now you're feeling inadequate during sex. What now? You found a bag of your boyfriend sex toys and you know they aren't for you. Do you confront him? And how to tell your husband to tone it down during sex because the rough stuff has gotten

to be a little bit too much. All this and more, thanks for listening. Eyes! They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hairstand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage.

Isn't it common, Mollie? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. Comment on it. What do you mean like laundry? It's your drink. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my God, I'm so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with.

You're listening to Sex With Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. You're gonna love our site. Now, the blogs we have to help you have better sex. And you can find me in all social media across the board. It's at Sex with Emily.

All right guys, enjoy the show. There is a spillover effect of sex. Meaning, we often bring our work home with us, don't we? But what happens when we bring our work home, sometimes it means we're too stressed out and we just don't wanna have But what happens when we bring our work home, sometimes it means we're too stressed out and we just don't want to have socks, right? And in fact, stress is a number one killer of our sex drive, our stress drive. I mean, really? Like, I'm like, oh, we have a stress drive. And a lot of times our stress drive is way higher than our sex drive. So I think

we've been all, you've all been like grumpy at work, but what they found in this study was that Shock that when you know participants in the study had sex with their spouses guess what? They were a lot happier and positive at work the next day. Hmm shocker They were also more satisfied with their jobs if they had sex the night before and this was due to the positive mood Mm-hmm, and then when you're positive you have more engagement at work jobs if they had sex the night before. And this was due to the positive mood. And then when you're positive, you have more engagement at work. But these are more of the potential benefits. I talk about all the time of sex,

which even persists into the next day. And this goes for orgasms during masturbation too. But I'm gonna just say that if you're a couple, it is important like it's gotta spill over into your work. It's, it is important, like, it's going to spill over into your work. It's going to have an impact. Now, here's a catch, though. If you're really stressed at work, work-related stress is going to make stress less likely.

So when you come off from work and you're frazzled and you're stressed out, and there's pressures at work and all the things, it means that you're not going to want to sex, and that's going to be a problem. So it's like two positives but also two negatives. Exactly. It is. It is unfortunate. Right?

Exactly. So like really you guys, that's a complicated relationship, home and work lives and now work, we always bring work home. It's always on our phones. It's everywhere. So do you think though, if you had sex the night before that go so you're more positive and work the next day, you'll have less work related stress. Yeah, hopefully it carries over that day.

You go home or maybe you have sex first when you get home, like that'll make you feel better. The right mindset, if you are stressed, like if you felt good that morning coming into work and then there's nothing bad happens at four o'clock for you to go home. Just know, just be like, be like, I'm telling you what resets all that for me is like breathing when you get out of like do some kind of cleansing when you leave the office to separate home from work. Breathe 10, we're timed really deep into your pelvic floor, which is just possible. Let it go. And you release it. There's always those people that you see and you're like, hmm, I just feel like that person hasn't gotten laid

at all. Right. Or like, it's kind of real. It can be real. It can be real. And you know what that feels like too. So you all know when you have an ed sex. But also, there's also another theory here on why some of us

actually aren't interested in sex. So a lot of us are like, well, what is it? What's wrong with me? Is it hormones? Is it psychological? Is it physical? Physiological? What is it?

So let's break this down. Now we started talking about this last week. If there is a new female viagra drug, which I'm going to tell you, it's not going to work. Women are not like some viagra. Women, we don't have penis to get hard. It's very different. Most of what's happening with sex is happening between our ears.

So a new study published found there was a very clear difference in sexual motivations between women who are diagnosed with, okay, so what does pale they say for like the female ragra is for women with with with sexual interest arousal disorder. Okay. So FFS ID. And for these are women who have little interest in sex are unable to become aroused by sex and it causes them to stress. And this is different than people who are just asexual asexual or don't want sex, okay? Which I don't even know that I believe that every woman, his FSID, is a point in their lives. Like that's actually the norm that we have little interests or we're unable to be easily aroused for sex.

And typically that will cause distress, but that's besides the point, I'm telling you you don't need a pill for it. But think about this, what actually motivates you to have sex? Okay, so there's a few things that they found in this study that motivates. There's three different types of motivation, essentially. Now just stick with me, because I don't want this to get to scientific,

but there's sexual communal strength. What does that mean? How motivated are you to meet your partner's sexual needs? Mm. So people, which I read this first going, well, I like to see, how motivated are you to meet your partner's sexual needs? Hmm. So people, which I read this first going, well, I like to see it, but part of me is like, when I read this, I was like, oh, you're just doing it for your partner.

You're meeting your partner's needs, but this turns out to have some benefits to it. So even if women who have some ongoing conditions, it makes sex painful. If you're really like, you're doing it for your partner, for your relationship, you can get a rouse more easily and you've more satisfaction in relationships. Or if you've approached sexual goals,

that means you're pursuing sex just to have a positive outcome. Like, you're like, you know what? I'm gonna have sex because it's gonna improve our intimacy. I'm gonna have an orgasm. I'm gonna have physical pleasure for myself, and I can think about it and go,

you know what? This is a win-win. Like, I'm going to do it. And then, this is the kicker. And it's going to sound very familiar. There's avoidance sexual goals. And this is when people have sex to avoid negative outcomes. For example, you're having sex to avoid disappointing your partner because they partner because they'll think you they'll dump you if you don't do it They'll you know you're with your husband and the husband a partner and they keep telling you if you don't have sex

You know I'm gonna be mad at you. You just know what it's gonna sound like I have to go and you're just doing it And you're like oh final get over with so it's not surprising that these goals like if people who have approach goals are You know have more satisfaction and people with avoidance have less. Well, yeah, because you're doing something to gain a positive outcome instead of avoiding a negative one. Yeah.

Like nobody wants, like, it's like this thing that you do begrudgingly. Right. Like, go to the dentist or shovel snow or clean your room. Or like, I don't, yeah, like something like, oh, like I I don't, yeah, like something like, like I really don't want to wash the dishes right now,

but if I don't do it in this moment, my partner's gonna come home and they're gonna be like mad at me the whole rest of the night. Exactly, well right. I mean, that's what my health, but to say I'm like still regretting it. I'm still doing it, and now I'm doing the dishes. Now it's resentful.

Now I'm resentful. And resentment is dangerous, you guys. Resentment is also the biggest killer of your sex drive because you didn't talk about something and you let it lie there. And you said, I would go away. And you said, you ignore it. And you get busy, you drink.

You have a few drinks, go out with your friends. And that doesn't take it away. It's still there. So it makes sense, you guys, because when you are focused, if you're just focused on avoiding your upsetting your upsetting your partner or even just on your own sexual issues It's a lot harder to focus on all the positive things about sex and if you don't Associate sex with anything positive at all. Why would you have sex? Why would you initiate it? Why would you even care about mixing it up or doing anything to please your partner?

And so people who have difficulties recognizing and responding to their partner sexual needs, typically a few or sexual needs themselves. So that's why I'm okay with if you have a sexual community or strength. You're like, I'm going to do it to please my partner. I don't think you can do that for a lifetime. Like if you're only doing it to please your partner, but you're not having any pleasure. Well, that's a problem. We're going to get to that in a second.

But I think just at least thinking about it and making it, trying, working on making it positive or both of you is great. And then having sexual goals, knowing that it's actually a good thing. And that's why if you don't ever have any positive memories of sex, or you've never had orgasms or not, that's why I love starting with some self-loving time, figuring out what feels good to you or starting with a conversation with your partner outside the bedroom. That's gonna start it. That's gonna help you realize, you know, kind of rewire your brain.

You can rewire your brain. You are not fixed where you're at right now with your sexual pleasure, your satisfaction level. It can always change, change for sure. I like this sexual communal strength term. Yeah, because communal means that like both of you should probably have that. Well, right. Exactly.

Yeah. Like, hopefully. Yeah. Like, we're in this together, baby. We are a team. Remember that you are in a team, that if you're in a relationship, it is both of your responsibilities to figure out what feels good to both of you. So it makes you happy couple.

And I know a lot of you calling me target partners and I get that. And you should, we love and couples calling. They don't do it nearly enough. But you really should. But I get that. Of course, you could start the conversation going, but it's not only up to you to bring everything, to bring all the energy, all the excitement, all the nudist because that's exhausting.

So a lot of you say, though, how do I, like, how do I, though, keep it going? How do I keep my pilot light lit, I like to say, because I often tell this, and this goes for men and for women, but often after, you know, remind this a lot of women, is that like we, it's hard to feel like outsourcing any aspect of our sexuality, like saying, my partner has to make me, turn on, my partner has to make me get me

in the mood every time. All these things, it makes it, it's not really sustainable because our partners have a lot of other things going on. And the second our partners were like, well, they didn't do this or they didn't do that. And that's why, like I used to believe that someday my prince would come and so would I. That's the perfect example of me thinking,

it's all on him. It's all his orc's for us, but I'm just gonna lie here. And he has to bring all the energy, but we have to all bring energy to the table. So it's important for us to fill ourselves up, to fill up that sexuality, even before we can give it to anyone else. So the first thing you guys is, if you don't have the motivation like we talked about, you're not sure, prioritize it. Just literally we do what we prioritize. We might even be kind of motivated with them, we throw in the towel, but like if you prioritize something on your list,

like you know the things that you do in your life. We all have 24 hours in the day and it's because you prioritize it. You prioritize scrolling on Instagram for two hours. So you prioritize talking on the phone or watching sports or going to the gym, but that going to the gym's fine. But maybe you can skip it one time

if you do it every day because your partner's home at that hour and that's when you could have sex. So prioritize your pleasure. And I get it, it's really hard to feel sexy when there is so much stress. And the kids have to be fed and you've gotta do the laundry and all the things.

But like, just know that all those things are gonna be there. Like, you're gonna die with it to do list. It was literally the best thing I ever told myself. It's so, and I still have to remind myself of that. I'm like, but what about this? We didn't get this. I'm like, I'm going to friggin die with a do list. And what am I going to do?

Like, are you going to finish it? Like, well, it'll be, I'll be dead. It won't matter if he picks up my question. I'll finish. She would though, just to be nice. That's such that she died before I said to get her dry cleaning. Like at the funeral, at the funeral,

she would be like, instead of the eulogy, it would be the thing she should offer. Here's her receipt. I checked off all her boxes and she nearly has. Okay, guys, seriously, I've done that for someone before. They really wanted to create. They died. Yeah, but they really want, they told me they're like,

dream before they died and I went ahead and I did it for them. Oh, I could do. It wasn't a huge thing. They wanted to create this website based off all their likes just to send it to their friends anytime they asked them for a recommendation. So I created it for her and sent it around to everybody just because she had talked about really wanting to do it. The world really does not deserve you.

I know. It seems like an angel. It really does. But badass. Like anyone else happens. Amazing. Amazing. Okay, we'll get to my deck. She's like an angel with It really does. But like badass, like I don't even know what's happened. It's amazing, amazing. Okay, we'll get to my death.

She's like an angel with a london jacket on. I know. I love that. Exactly. All right, so I love that. Okay, but you will still die with it. If you don't have a Chris in your life, it's gonna be dead and nothing will happen.

So just remember, yeah, and even that, that's what I'm just telling you, it doesn't matter. Prioritize your pleasure. So when you prioritize, you make time for it. Make take a shower, like turn that into your, like sexy time with yourself or your partner. Uninterrupted date nights, you guys, date nights huge for couples.

Couples who don't have to, like it's the easiest thing in the world to have one night a week. It maybe is not that easy. Like get a babysitter, switch with a friend, if you don't have them, be like, can my kids come over for the two hours or my kid? Like, what do you think about? Date nights are really big. a babysitter, switch with a friend if you don't have them. Be like, can my kids come over for the two hours or my kit? What do you think about?

Day and nights are really big. My people of day and nights are like report success all the time. Like if you really can't leave your house, like what if you just make it, like I feel like people go, oh, day and night we have to go to dinner, we have to do this. But like what if you just like, no, we're gonna commit to just 30 minutes,

like no one talked to us except for each other. Yeah. Yeah. Like just sitting on the kitchen table, I think even that would be nice. What do you think you have a day and night? I mean, this is probably weird, no one will do us except for each other. Yeah. Yeah. Like just sitting on the kitchen table, I think even that would be nice. What do you think you have in date night? I mean, this is probably weird. No, I'm gonna do this, but no one's gonna do this for kids. No, just get a babysitter for the kids.

Mommy and daddy need to have some time in our bedroom. We never have time alone. I know she should do that. I think they should. Mommy, because then it shows kids that we love each other. We prioritize the mommy-daddy relationship. And everyone's kids, like don't even have a penis, I don't think they need to hear you.

If you're big enough, how else you can avoid it? But to show them that we are prey, we, because the kids are gonna cry and I can't leave them alone. But it's important to see that you are prioritizing your relationship together as parents. Okay, also you guys, the other thing is embrace your sensuality.

Remember, we get very disconnected from our bodies. And it's very hard. I'm telling you, I get why your pilot isn't lit. You leave work and then you get home and there's so much to do and there's so many errands and we don't take the space. So sensuality is a process of like fulfilling all of our senses. So you have those a candles lit, you touch yourself, you taste things that are good, you breathe deep,

you engage your senses in the moment, that is what sensuality is and that is a practice and practicing yourself, Claire and yourself love. Because sex beget sex, the more you self love, the more you're gonna want to sex, the more you have sex, you're gonna want to and keep it top of mind. But that's how you keep it top of mind.

So I get it, your partner comes home and they're all turned on and you're not, because in that moment, it's really hard to snap too, but if you've been thinking about it, cultivating this, even you're in the shower and you're practice like, like in the morning, even if it's not sexual, but you're like breathing and you're smelling the soap and you're feeling your hands on your own skin, that is all engaging your senses. Oh, I love doing that. Like I love, I realized recently in the last couple months how much I really like putting lotion on my body.

Yeah. Cause I wasn't doing that for a long time. Cause I don't know why, just in body lotion. And now I've come across all these lotion that I, Awesome. Yeah, all of a sudden, you know, and it just, it does, it feels really good. And then you can't stop touching yourself.

Exactly. That's what happens. That's such a great practice. Like if you have some beautiful body lotion that you've been saving for something like date and no, just or a date or something when you're with someone, do it now. Like pamper yourself. That is what self care is. Scheduling sex has gotten a bad rap and I get it.

It sounds very un-sexy. Like, okay, we're gonna pick up the kids and then we got this and then I got to go to the dry cleaner. I love the dry cleaner example and then I got to work and then I've sex. You're like, it's another're gonna pick up the kids, and then we got this, and then I got to go to the dry clean, and I love the dry cleaner example, and then I gotta work, and then I've sex. You're like, it's another friggin' thing. But it takes the pressure off, when you guys are busy with your lives and stuff's going on, then you know,

like Saturday's our night and Wednesday morning. And that's when we're doing it, and I don't have to deal with Tuesday night worrying that my partner's gonna want it, and I don't. But also you guys schedule sex with yourself. I'm gonna masturbate, I'm gonna wed as a friday. I'm gonna set my alarm before I go to the gym 15 minutes earlier.

Do you meditate, masturbate, manifest? I try to do that every day. It's a great thing, it actually works. I'm just telling you to give yourself a plastic you clear your head. Like you can't not start the day while when you're like, boom, masturbate, masturb rate, meditate, manifest. Manifest what you want to happen the day.

Take a few seconds and think about how the day is going to go. Because oftentimes we are wired to think about all the negative things that can happen. And we don't think about like, well, what would be the best case scenario if that meeting goes really well? What if this day work is well? What if this date

work is amazing? What if my workouts killer? What if the, you know, meeting with my bosses, they give me a raise. Like, we just think of the worst case scenario, but when you kind of be like, oh, that was all negative things. Let me think of best. You're, you're going to find out when I started doing this, that most of the time, when I take the time to think about what I actually want to feel, in other words, an intention for the day, it actually happens. So I'm going in with that and do that with your sex. Schedule it. Write it down and have an intention that you can also switch this all around. Your sex life is might feel like it's static and hopeless and it can't change, but it can't change. Like, I feel like especially parents, they don't do this.

Parents never do this. No, they never do this. No, because it's like the kid, because being a parent is very challenging and they don't, it's the hardest job in the planet and you're like, how do I? There's always stuff to do. Like, I can't, but you know, so much for yourself to do and then you got like kids and their stuff. You're like, there's literally no time for me. There's no time for us.

And then you feel guilty and then you're like, well, I've never talked to our kids about sex, so we have to pretend it doesn't happen. Like it's only happened once when you were born, baby, or twice. Your sister was born. Like, no, I think the more, you know, if you make it more normalized, then you could get up and parents just don't. They're exhausted too when I get up.

Oh, I get it. But talk about it. Date night. They're not just with sex, but just other things. I think that parents do, that used to do in their relationships that kept them close. Like my parents always be like, oh yeah, before we had kids, like we went to Hawaii, we did this, and we did that.

And I'm like, I mean, I can get it. Like you got to find babysitters to still go to Hawaii. I'm like, but I was like, I'm not stopping you from going. I'm like, like, go to Hawaii. Yeah, I'll take you with you. Just leave me somewhere else. Exactly. No, but I was like, I'm not stopping you from going to Hawaii. Like, go to Hawaii, you're gonna go to Hawaii. I'll take you with you, just leave me somewhere else. Exactly, no, but it's good for your kids. It takes me snorkeling.

This is an a great example, because my parents did get divorced, but they were always taking trips, but they did not communicate. That was the problem. But I'm saying, that was what people did. They were like, we're going to Hawaii for a week, or wherever they would go once a year.

We are just doing so. That was fine. Look at me, right? Right, so normal. We're fine. We was fine. Like, activities. Look at me, right? We're so normal. We're fine. We're fine. Like, honestly, I feel like,

and I mean, I don't have any kids, so I'm sure this is, I can't really speak to this, but I'm just saying that a lot of times, kids have fun. If they're just doing a fun activity, they're fine. And you'll give a choice.

Mommy and daddy need time together. Like, you get with your friends in school, you get to go to camp with your friends. Mommy and daddy need to go to our mommy and daddy camp together. We need that. It makes us better parents. But we don't talk to our kids about that. But you should.

All right, we're going to take quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your questions. We have Martin, who's 52 in Florida, and has got a question about open marriage. Hey Martin, thanks for calling. Hey, I'm good, thanks. Thank you for taking my call. Of course. We've had three cents a whole, you know, our keys have grown up. We're empty nesters now.

And, you know, because of my job, it takes me out of the country. And key down, you know, I'm allowed here to have a boyfriend, you know, we've both decided. Because of that now, it seems like I'm not adequate. I feel like I'm not adequate for her, her boyfriend who I have met, super nice guy, younger guy, super world of doubt. You know, it's like having marathon sex. Wow, I'm actually 60 to not 52. Oh, okay. And she's 10 years younger than I am. So I don't know if this is, um, well, Martin, let me ask you a question.

Can I see? Well, this is what I got to find out, Martin. Is she, what are the facts here? Is she actually saying to you, honey, Martin, this guy so well in doubt, I'm having the the best sex, you're not, you're not adding up, or is this your own like mine thing? Is she doing what she can to make you feel comfortable right now, or has she actually said things that are leading you to believe that? What are the facts? Well, I've been, um, pretty to, you know, um, being at the room when they're, you know, when they're intimate, um, because, because of medical issues, I can're, you know, when they're into me, because the medical issues

I can't function that well. So it's pleasure for her and pleasure for me, but I just see what they do and I see what he does with her and how in ececision that when it comes time for us it just doesn't you know the bars that too high in other words. Yeah, I understand that. How long has this been going on with seeing the other man? Three years, two years. All right, so that's a long time. I mean, I feel like Martin, have you had a talk with her about this about how you've been feeling lately? Yes. And what does she say? She understands she's willing to,

you know, not see this person, however, I don't want to take that away from her. Right. Okay, so you have to figure out now. I mean, I think that's really, first of all, Martin, it's I think your communications great and you see me really open and of course, this is really vulnerable. So I feel like that there has to be, you have to still get your needs met is what I'm hearing. And right now, it's a better view figuring out what that is. So maybe it's, how else could you still feel loved and needed from your wife? You know, like what does she need to say to you or do? Because it sounds like yeah, if you cut that off and she says she will, then you're going to feel bad about it too.

Maybe it's a different person. Maybe this person is run their course and maybe if it was someone else, she would feel less intimidated or maybe Martin, there are ways that you could still please her that you haven't thought about yet. You know, sex, we often don't even know what's possible look at the sex menu of what we can do and just because you're having physical limitations right now doesn't mean that you can't provide your wife with a lot of x-c because most of the x-c women experience yes it could be about the penis but

not the majority of the sex that can give us x-c doesn't even have to necessarily do with the penis yeah but unfortunately it has to do with her boyfriend's penis. Right. In this case, Yes, did.

Right. But maybe he's, but would you want her like, is she in love with him? That could you say, well, I'm okay with the open thing? No. Okay, so here's a thing. Would she find someone else that makes you feel better? This is what happens in open relationships. You're constantly looking at boundaries and you're renegotiating. And if she's your primary, she's your wife. If things doesn't

feel right to you anymore, then maybe she needs to take a pause and find someone else that maybe makes you less intimidated. But you know, you might just find that the next guy has more money. And that also transfers to something and he brings nice things. And he's better at oral. Are you perceived him to be better or all? You know, like there's, there could always be a thing where you,'re so right now we're talking about your insecurities and so I don't know if that's what you have to work on building that up or if just I would talk to her some more about it and maybe not have it be so black and white like just just dump him but maybe there's just ways you can figure out what else

you need from this relationship. Okay Martin. Well thank you for your time. You're so welcome. I will be here for you five minutes a week. You can call me, triplate 947-8277. I feel like that would be super hard going from open to closed,

or at least closing the door a little bit. Maybe it's open a crack. Right. That would be hard. But I think if they've gone into it consensually, listen, you guys, you do not just decide one day we're going to get into open relationship. The couples that are the most successful have like some of them have written contracts and they have boundaries and they decide, well, if it gets too serious with someone or if I start feeling like it's not working for me or one of us, we have to

change it. So yeah, I would think, but I'm not even saying he has to not be open anymore. Maybe that's just not the partner or you take a part in. Yeah, exactly. And she says she's cool with it. Yeah. But yes, of course, anytime you change the status of the relationship, it's going to be a transition. This is a really great question. We have Stephanie, who's 42 in Iowa. She just found out that her boyfriend has a bag of sex toys and never brought them up to her. So how does she confront him with it? Oh, hey, Stephanie. Tell me what happened. Hello there. Hi. We've been dating for almost three years and he moved in with me a year ago and kind of had stuff in my basement. Oh I went down to like try to reorganize and make a little space for him to do his art and

I discovered a bag and so I kind of picked it up and I was know as the I shouldn't have been, but I did look in it and it has come six toys in it. Never brought it up at all. I have some with use mine. But it seems weird that he's never brought it up, never mentioned it. Well, yeah, were they used? Were they women? What kind of sex toys were they? Were they for men? Were they for women? Well, see, I don't, I mean, I only have a couple and not real, knowledgeable about what's out there. So I don't really know whether they're... One of them's kind of like L-shaped

that I could see it would go towards the G-spot, but it could also be like a pro-state toy. Maybe it could be a pro-state misazure. I mean, here's the thing, I feel like, listen, you moving together a year ago, maybe he forgot he had him. You should see the stuff I just threw into my garage when I moved. I'm like, I don you moving together a year ago, maybe he forgot he had him. You should see the stuff I just threw into my garage when I moved. I'm like, I don't know what's in that box.

Let's throw it in there. So, maybe it was from an ex. Maybe he was exploring his prostate. And I think you could say, listen, I was cleaning up the garage. I was downstairs where you said the basement. And I found this toilet. I just wanted it. Like, because what is it making you feel like?

Maybe, because it sounds like he doesn't remember there either. So, is it making... I don't know. Yeah. I tried to kind of come around it, the kind of around the subject by kind of saying, hey, you know, I've read that prostate massages is something that makes orgasms really good for guys.

And because I thought maybe that's what the toys were. Right. And he kind of said, he kind of said, I'm not sure I want you to do that. He said, it'd make me feel weird. Okay. Well, then I don't know. Well, I would just say, you know, yeah,

because you're not sure what they are. I would just say, honestly, do you know who he is dating history before you? Maybe he was dating someone before you and she left him at his house. I mean, I don't think he's hiding. He what? Yeah, that could be, I guess.

Yeah, I mean, I think if they've been in the basement since you moved in, I don't think we were anything to worry about here. Except for like maybe someone left him at his house or maybe he's interested in exploring. So you could just say to him, I love that we use our toys together and I found these in the basement. I just want to know, did you need them? Are they for something? Did you want to explore?

I think just asking them. Because I don't know. Don't even let junk know. So that's what I think. I wouldn't trip on until you ask them in a really like non-threatening non-judgment away and just say, I'm curious. Did you want these back? I'm cleaning out the garage. I found sex toys. Just ask. And then let me know what you said. Yeah, I think it's totally very straightforward with our judgment.

Thanks, Stephanie. Thanks for calling. Okay, we have Igor, 31 Washington who's got a question about mail orgasms. Oh, great. Let's round it out here. Hey, Igor, what Washington who's got a question about male orgasms. Oh, great. Let's round it out here. Hey, Igor, what's going on? Thanks for calling. Hi. How can I help you?

I've been pretty good. I just got the weird question. It's okay. So, every time I just be ejaculate and I don't have the orgasm, and other times I have a little body orgasm and other times when I have a little body orgasm. And it's more often that just ejaculation not an orgasm. Huh, so you haven't ejaculation but you don't feel anything. It's just like, I kind of feel bad, just not defends by just being an angel. I go, okay. When did this start happening? I don't know. It's been mild and bland for the last five, six years, but it's once in a while I can't get a full board yet.

Are you on any medications? No, I'm not. Okay. Did anything happen to you, sexually, like in a relationship or elsewhere? Not really, no. Nothing's changed. Okay. Did anything happen for you when you're younger around sex, like early messaging around sex? How younger early? Doesn't matter. It could be five, seven. Okay, well sometimes like things happen to us when we're younger and we get messages around sex, maybe someone touched us inappropriately or something happened and it can get kind of locked into our sexual functioning.

And so if something did happen, that could still be having an impact today. Because a lot of it is kind of mental what happens with orgasms. And so maybe there's something like you're thinking like this orgasm is gonna feel good. It didn't feel good last time. And then sure enough, your orgasm isn't that intense.

And I'm curious if the times yougor were you do have the orgasm, if something's shifted in those cases, like is it when you're with a person, have you been fantasizing about something? Did you have a particularly like, you know, see something sexual that really turned you on? I think it's more of a feel more open at that aspect, like I'm judged in a sense. Oh, you feel more judged? Are aspect, like I'm unjudged in the sense.

Oh, you feel more judged? Are you in a relationship? Yes, I'm in a relationship. Okay, so, if I feel more free and unjudged from the no judgment, then I feel more of a clientele. Okay, and this is when you're with your partner and you don't feel judged, but sometimes you do feel judged. Yeah. Okay. Well, mostly it's a, it's a, it's, it's, it's probably something psychological. That's what it sounds like to me. It, there's something in your brain that you've wired the neuropath ways, which we can undo, but it takes some work.

So I feel like, so what is going on with your partner right now? Like what makes you feel judged? Because none of us want to feel, you know what I'm telling you? When we feel judged by our partner and we don't feel safe and accepted, no one has orgasms. Women don't have orgasms, men don't, so what's going on? Well, so my girl was a really goody-goody girl. Now it was more like a player in a sense.

So I'm trying something new or new or trying to do something different, she feels like I'm bringing something dirty into the world. Okay, that makes sense. And I kind of feel judgment bad. Yeah, and then you get into your head and then you can enjoy the sex you're having. So it sounds to me like, how long have you guys been together? Five, six years. Okay.

Well, it sounds to me like you guys have to have some conversations outside the bedroom like I was just talking to Hazel about every couple needs at Saigori. You guys have got to like, you know, have a conversation with her where you're saying, like, let's just talk about our sex life. We're at like what you enjoy about it, what you don't, what we can work on, you know, and I honestly, she might need a little work around this. I don't know, like, listen, it's a lot of, it is work, but it can't happen to kind of undo messaging since we were a child.

So if she used it, she's good to, she was right. Like, so maybe it was around religion or her parents shamed her. Maybe there was something that happened that she can't, she hasn't fully stepped into her female sexual out, her female expression of her pleasure, her power of, you know, it sounds like she's been, you know, women sexualities often more judge and police by society. So she's still caring around that heaviness when she's having sex and she's putting it upon you. And so I feel like that's what's causing it.

So how would I approach it? Because I've brought up different ways of talking about it before and I've been like, what are your fantasies? She doesn't know, though, because she's never explored her own sexuality. So I have to talk about it as a, like, I mean, I feel like there's got to be some therapy involved here maybe because I'm not sure on your own. I mean, I can give you different conversation starters. She probably doesn't know her fantasies or masturbate and maybe she doesn't have a lot of experience actually is what it sounds like. So would she be willing to

open up and start exploring with you like you guys could go do some research like buy some books. Listen to the show together. Get some sex toys, you know, go do some research, like buy some books, listen to the show together, get some sex toys, you know, explore, do some mutual masturbation where she's exploring her body, you're exploring yours. She's just, you know, I think though if she's in like a mental jail around sex, I think therapy is going to be the best thing for you guys. It's going to be hard to pull her out of this on your own. Okay.

I appreciate it. Okay. Okay. I appreciate it. Okay, thanks for calling me. We appreciate it. Kelly, who's from California? Miss 38, and has a question about rough sex. Hey, Kelly. Thanks for calling.

Hey, hey. I know. I can't believe you're mercy and liberty. I'm from Ohio. I'm from California. You did. Hey, Paul. Just in a moment it did.

Just like talking to Nicole. I was like, oh, to be there but no back okay what's going they talked me out of it I canceled my ticket yeah good so me and my husband have been together for 17 years and you know we kind of we have very active sex life but I've noticed you in the last couple of months, you know, we have like a variety, we'll do some nice things, we'll do some respect, we'll do some nice things, you know, we'll mix it up. Here lately, he's just wanting to do nothing but rough sex, and I'm trying to like have conversations with him like I can't be pounded out every night Right, yeah exactly What kind of a conversation can I have because he's like kind of like oh, you know

You know, oh well tomorrow night, you know, we'll we'll do something different and then it will start out slow But then like I'll have my orgasm and then he'll Then when he's getting his it just like any more in the last couple months, it has been nothing but you can only get off if it's intense. And it's changed. Do you know how much tea watches porn? He doesn't. He doesn't. Okay.

Yeah, I mean, we have, I, and he works like pretty long hours, works like four tens, and we have sex probably about at least four times a week. Amazing. Wow, Kelly, that's great. 17 years you've been together. Okay, so, and you said that you've, so have you guys talked about this kind of thing

outside the bedroom, have you been like, okay, ah, you know, being really, it's a matter of just saying, and again, you have to talk about it a few times, but just saying, I really wanna talk to you about the kind of sex we've been having. I like it sometimes, it's tender, but I think lately it's been really rough,

and I'd, maybe you could give him some options of what else you'd like, because sometimes maybe he doesn't know what to do, like listen, things become a habit really easily when it comes to sex. So maybe he was like, okay, this is the, things become a habit really easily when it comes sex. So maybe he was like, okay, this is the easy, you edge of orgasm, I'm exhausted and I'm just going to go really fast because that's how I'm going to come. And he's got used to it.

Maybe he almost doesn't know of other options. That sounds silly, but we kind of forget. We get into our group. So maybe a conversation would be like showing him exactly what you'd like like after my orgasm, I think it would be so hot if You did blank like do you know what that even looks like Kelly because a lot of times we feel like spell it out Because I'm sure he doesn't he's not trying to piss you off and be like yeah, I'll be all soft But now I'm gonna go rough so it sounds like he just might not know what else to do in that moment or

Maybe he forgot like because if that's just started a few months ago, I mean, I don't know, like, I really think it's outside the bedroom. Hey, and it's positive. It's not like, stop pounding away. It may have to write at orgasm, like a piece of meat. It's always very light. It's positive when you guys are chilling and having a good time. You're like, let's talk about our sex life lately. I love that it's so so active. My orgasm was so great last night. I was thinking about it that sometimes, though, when it's really fast like that, it doesn't feel so great.

Let's try something new, for example. And then give him some notes. And if it doesn't happen, don't get pissed. Don't think he doesn't listen. Think how hard it is to change a habit. So you have to bring it up again. And when you're husband, you're going to be together 17 years, he wants to please you. So you just probably need to help him kind of give him other options.

All right? Okay. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Thanks Kelly. Thanks for calling. Thanks everyone for listening to this show for supporting the show for telling a friend. We all need some more sex advice, right? Sex information. And you can also review us wherever you listen. Give us five stars. I still appreciate it. Thanks to my amazing team. Thank you, Jamie, producer Jamie. Thank you, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Michelle, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithemla.com.