Sex With Emily - Sex Tips I Wish I Knew In College

Episode Date: August 28, 2021

Do you remember the sex you had in college? Or maybe you’re just now embarking on this exciting adventure and have no idea what to expect? While college is an *amazing* time for independence and exploration, it also comes with uncharted territory and first-time sexual dilemmas. Today, I’m breaking down everything you need to know about sex in college. I’m sharing what I wish I knew before my first year and some of YOUR hottest college hookup stories.Plus I answer your questions about how to make one night stands more pleasurable, how to know if it’s time to break up with your long term partner for new sexual experiences, what to do if your asexual identity or virginity makes it harder for you to connect with potential partners and how to find partners who value more than just casual hookups. I also talk to certified health coach Katrina Wright about how she has transcended during her time at college into a healthier relationship with herself and her romantic partners.Show Notes:Magic WandSystem Jo LubricantsSex Tips I Wish I knew In My 20s Ask Emily: How Do I Get More Comfortable w/ Dirty TalkJe Joue Mimi SoftDame - EvaFor more information about Katrina Wright, visit: thesculptyou.comFor even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I don't know if I should stay with him when I'm like this young and I'm not going to marry him. Or not because he's not going to change. I've sent him photos in lingerie and the response I get is... Cute. Okay. Maybe he's not as sexual. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on days. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Today's episode, what I wish I knew in college.

This is a great episode for anyone going to college, but also if you know anyone who's going to college. nephew's niece's brothers, sisters, neighbors, a few things I cover in this episode, how to make one night stands more pleasurable, how to know if it's time to break up with your long-term partner, especially if you want to have new sexual experiences, what to do if your asexual identity or virginity makes it harder for you to connect on campus, and how to find partners who value more than just casual hookups. I also talked to Certified Health Coach Katrina Wright about how she ditch dating toxic partners and learn to have a healthy relationship with herself and her body.

Intentions with Emily join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it and I encourage you to do the same. When buying tension is to repair you or someone you love for college, by sharing all the things you need to know that you definitely won't find out about at orientation. Remember to rate and review and subscribe to the podcast. It really, really helps us. We read all your comments It helped us keep the show free and I appreciate you so much for doing that You can also check out our latest article on our site ask Emily

How to get better at dirty talk if you have a question you call my hotline 5 5 9 Talk sex or 5 5 9-9-825-5739. You can also send me a message at sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. Before I get into your questions and calls, here's a few things I wish I knew in college. Oh, so many things. I mean, I think that hookup culture is definitely thriving. Although some people think hookup culture hasn't really changed and it's always been there. But I just wanted to find what I think hookup culture is. It's not so much everyone's having sex with everyone else, but more of a normalization of people

having one night stands or hooking out with people without being in defined relationships. So I just want to encourage all of you to pay attention to what you want. And you don't have to fit into what everyone's doing. Don't have sex to check it off the list. People are going to get drunk and have sex, and that's real. But what I wish I knew in college was more about orgasms and pleasure and my body. And I'd never masturbated before. I know a lot of you would,

I thought this two guys were gonna like me more if I hooked up with them. You'll find your people, I promise you will. Your college really is the perfect time to explore your sexuality and experience a lot of different things and figure out what you like. Maybe it's the first time you've been living away from home without your family

so you really are able to experiment sexually. But here are some quick easy rules to follow that will help you and your partners have more pleasure and just kind of minimize all those awkward situations. Get to know the person first. Not just me, but studies have shown that the more connected sex we have, it's definitely the more pleasurable. And masturbate. Play with yourself.

Figure out what you like. Don't be shy to try a toy and to start getting your sex on. Remember consent, I know there's a lot of talks about consent. People think consent isn't sexy, but it's so nice to know and be enthusiastic about the situations you're getting into sexually. Consent can be sexy. It really can. I mean, think about all the pressure that comes from not knowing what your partner wants. So again, the more you know yourself, the more you can practice enthusiastic consent, you should be sane, which means sober and ongoing. Every time you get to consent to what you want,

just because you wanted something last time, doesn't mean this time. Also, think about what you're looking for. And be okay communicating that. If you're not interested in a committed relationship or you're just looking to date around and have fun, be honest, be kind and set expectations with whoever you're with. Now, if you're a virgin or it's before your sexual debut as I like to call it, I get it. A lot of people go to college, you know, not having sex before. And if you want to know more about it, we talk about some of this

this episode, but you could also check out our previous podcast first date, first orgasms, first threesome. If you're thinking about trying out a toy, I have some recommendations for some first time toy use. I love the Dame Eva. It's a really cute little vibrator. Your roommate won't even know what it is, although I think you should talk to him about it. But anyway, it has little flexible wings that tuck under your labia for hands-free stimulation. It's an adorable, powerful vibrator. Or you can check out the Jezou Mimi. I love the Mimi, MI, MI. It's also a great vibrator for yourself, for exploration, and for using with a partner. All right, let's hear from some current college students who have called and emailed their questions. But first, if you want wanna ask me a question on the show,

call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559 825 5739. You can leave me your questions there and we'll get back to you or just message me. Sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily. My first caller is Riley, 21 in Chicago who loves everything about her boyfriend, except he's pretty vanilla in bed.

Hi, Riley. Hi. How are you? Thanks for calling. Thanks. I'm great. How are you? I'm good.

All right. How can I help you? I am in close to two-year relationship with my boyfriend and we're both 21. And it's like our first series relationship. We started dating prior to the pandemic. He's a great boyfriend, like an overall good relationship. However, he is so vanilla with sex. And I have tried everything, and I tell you,

I have tried everything. I mean, we've probably had a conversation 30 plus times. I am on him as all the time. And the thing is, he has no fantasies, he has no desires, like he is just satisfied with plain sex. And I have tried to be okay, and I have tried slowly everything. So for example, like it took a year for him to joke, to use even like a tie and bed. Okay. This is this crazy. And the thing is, he's willing to do it because I've talked to him, oh, you've

said I should, all this stuff. But it doesn't turn me on if I have to ask him to do it. And the thing is who'll do it once and not again. Then I have to ask again. And the thing is, I'm not going to marry this guy. He's a boyfriend, but it comes down to, I don't know if I should stay with him when I'm not going to marry this guy. He's a boyfriend, but it like comes down to like, I don't know if I should stay with him when I'm like this young and I'm not going to marry him.

Or not because he's not going to change. I've never been with a man with such a, not that's a bad thing, but like average sex desire. Like I've tried, and like I've sent him photos in lingerie and the response I get is cute. Okay. Honestly, Riley, you're so funny. I, I, there's a thing you guys are both 21.

Maybe he's not a sexual. I mean, that's just, that just happens. I know that we are told that man wants to act all the time and you send them a naked photo or they're going to flip out. Oh my god, they're going to get their car and drive right over. But like, it's just, you're finding out right now, which is amazing that you are not sexually compatible. That you have a growth mindset around sex and he does not.

And to me, he might be your best friend and you love him and it's been a great relationship. But no, I think that this is, and you know you're not gonna marry him, you're not telling me why I really want to have kids in the next year. So I think you kind of have your answer. You want somebody who's like adventurous and open and wants to try things and wants to

have conversations. It sounds like you listen to podcasts. So I don't, you've been having the conversations and you've been really trying. But I believe that most people have that mindset around sex. The people who feel like I don't want to try anything new or they're going to a little bit shut down about our little bit more of vanilla, there's a lot beneath the surface. It could be the way he was raised in a religious home. He could have been shamed for something sexually growing up.

We just don't know. So he'd have to go in and do his work and he'd have to want to change. And then he'd have to go in to therapy and unpack it, which I believe is our entire everyone's going on that path. If you don't go in it now you're going to go on it later. So what I love is that you're 21 and you're figuring this out. So now I say you have your answer. And I don't think it's just about the sex. There's probably other ways, right?

And the other things in the relationship too that just... Yeah, I think I'm just so comfortable with him. And I tried to break up with him, but he, it is hard because he is good. My family loves him. And I think I'm afraid because I'm like, is it wrong for me to walk away to want this, like my girlfriends who are single have so much fun and like these experiences, like, she's like this guy whipped out like these bedrace trains and like this chest full of toys

and I'm like, holy crap, like I would kill for that. Like are you kidding me or explaining my dream right now? I'm like the best that I could get is like. Well, the grass is always greener. Let me just tell you that. It's like you think when you're single, there's gonna be all this great sex. And I think that it's great.

Yeah, if someone whips out a thing of toys and stuff, that's fun, but making sure that you're getting your pleasure to and you're getting your needs met. Cause sometimes the sex just ran, a lot of random sex could just be random sex, and you're not really connecting with people, you're really drunk pleasure tune or getting your needs met because sometimes the sex just ran a lot of random sex could just be random sex and you're not really connecting with people, you're really drunk and you don't really remember what is going on, you know, like you don't,

but I don't think it's an either or, or that's gonna be so much better, you're gonna have, you're gonna be calling back in a year maybe with some other questions which is totally cool or maybe a few months or now, but it just sounds like you might have grown this, you've learned the lessons you need to learn, you're having conversations with them about sex in a healthy way, you're not just saying, no, I'm like, why don't we try this?

Or why don't you do that? You're like listening to what he's into. He's like, I'm not, I don't think about it. I don't masturbate. So yeah, I mean, the next step of you said you wanted to stay with them, I'd say, well, then go into therapy together. Start talking about these things, but I don't think this is your problem to be fixed with him. I think that you want to have your own. Tell them, like, you're ready to go out and fly. Have some freedom. Yeah, I think I have to hear it from you, honestly, because that's what I've heard from a lot of people just hard, obviously, but... Well, I'm glad I can sign on that there, co-sign that. That's what I think. It sounds like you know, and he's going to be brokenhearted, and you're going to miss him, and maybe

he'll go back and sleep with him again, you you do things but I think it sounds like you should take some time of just exploring who you are sexually and otherwise I'm sure you've grown in two years that you've been with him too Yeah, go have some fun and do it with love and kindness you guys share it a lot together You don't have to tell them it's because of the sex thing, but just you're ready to be explore have some fun And you appreciate the time you spend together. Thank you so much. I love your product. Thanks, Riley.

Have a good day. I appreciate you. Bye. When you get to a point where your partner just says, no, like, I'm not into sex or I'm not into talking about sex or I'm not into talking about our relationship, if you're someone who's trying to have a conversation with somebody that you want to build something with

and they just shut you down and they're not willing to open and up and discuss, to share, and to grow. I mean, how much work do you want to do in it? Now, I get once you're married and have kids and you're parenting together. There's a lot more at stake, but in your 20s or 30s or whatever you're 540s, if you're just on a path right now to find a partner, and they are already saying, I don't want to talk about it,

I'm not going to invest in sex, I'm not going to invest in conversations with you have your answers right there. The people who just don't want to have a growth mindset around sex and don't want to talk about sex, like there should be a dating app for those people. But all of you who listen to the show

and realize that there's a whole world out there and the only thing that's keeping you from having incredible sex and connection is communication. You know that like that's totally possible for you. So I don't often say just like, yeah, you should dump this person or break up with them. But the case is pretty clear. I think that that's some pretty great binaries

if your person isn't into talking and shuts it down. You know their choice, but to go find someone who will. This is from Clover, 21 in North Carolina, and she's a female. Hey, Dr. Emily, I have an easy time getting turned on and getting off when I'm home alone. The whole time I'm thinking about the guy I'm seeing and how hot he is, however, when we're in person having sex,

I'm so in my head thinking about it. If I look okay or if he feels good, that it makes it really difficult to orgasm, how do I really focus on being in the moment and not get caught up in how I look, what it sound like and how he is doing every single second? Thank you.

Okay, Clover, I love, love, love, that you're asking this question at 21 because this is a practice, one that so many of us need to do. I didn't even know at 21 that it was okay to focus on my pleasure. I literally only thought, what is my partner want, what looks good to them and what feels good to them. And it really is a challenge to be truly and deeply present with one person.

If you really, you know, you like this guy and you want to kind of practice being present, you could tell him how much you think about him when you're home touching yourself. You could dirty talk it to him. You could text him and say, I've been thinking about you and you can get really specific on what you're thinking about. Then you'll be more engaged and present in the moment, especially if you do it in real time. You could also practice the mutual masturbation, so you're both getting off together and, you know, he can see're both getting off together and you know, he can see what feels good to you and you can see what feels good to him. It's just one of my favorite show and tells is mutual masturbation.

And finally, my great trick for you is when you're getting distracted and you find yourself pulled away from the moment because you're having these thoughts is to remember my five senses rules. And what you got to do is focus on your five senses in the moment. What are you hearing in the moment? Maybe you're hearing some a playlist or you're listening to your partner's breath. What are you smelling?

What are you tasting? What are you touching? How did your hands feel on their skin? What are you seeing? And when we anchor ourselves in those five senses, we can't help but be in the moment because our mind can't wander when we're truly present and focus on we feel and

Focusing on the senses is pleasurable and you might have to do it a few times or ten times Well, you're having sex, but eventually it'll become a practice and you'll be able to ground yourself in the present moment All right, Clover. Thanks for your email and let me know how it goes This is from Hunter 19 in Detroit, Michigan and she's a female. Hey, Dr. Emily, I'm a virgin in college. It feels like everyone around me is having sex. I'm confident with myself, and I don't feel the need to lose it to a piece of other people. But with that said, I've received a lot of shit from my decision. What's your opinion on virginity?

Why is it such a stigma? Also, I want to hook up with people just not of sex. I often lose guys once they know I'm not willing to put out. How can I still have fun? Well, also staying true to myself. I love your show and thank you. So here's a thing Hunter. First off, I don't like the word virginity.

I'd like to call it a sexual debut. Because virginity just has all these connotations that most of them aren't true, that we lose our virginity as someone else. It's not about empowerment. It's not about a debut because that's when you get to decide that you're ready to express your sexual self. And people are always going to try to get you to do what they're doing so they feel better about themselves.

Promise is going to continue until adulthood. It's like when you're older and you're married friends start asking, so when are you going to get married? There's going to be pressure, but the people who are your people are just going to continue until adulthood. It's like when you're older and you're married, friends start asking, so when are you going to get married? There's going to be pressure, but the people who are your people are just going to accept that you are doing you. And the guys that you lose are your win and their loss. Because I'm telling you that the pursuit of sex over connection gets really old, really fast.

And when there's so much emphasis right now on college, on hooking up and blacking out, there is very little room for having great, pleasurable sex. I'm so glad that you love the podcast, which means that you know that the most pleasurable and satisfying sexual experience come from real connection and real trust. So it's not that your peers are wrong, they're just going along with the crowd, or maybe they just, you know, haven't really questioned why it's important for your peers are wrong, they're just going along with the crowd or maybe they just, you know, haven't really questioned why it's important for them to have sex right now.

But I believe that you're making the most excellent decision about being you and saying true to what feels right. A problem is that you will find people that don't just want to have sex, that will be interested in a hook-up that doesn't lead to penetration. It's not just about that penetration, and you, G-Hunter, get to decide when it's going to happen and who's invited. We're going to take a quick break to hear from our sponsors. Thank you for supporting them. We get back, I talked to Benny, who's wondering how to get more on a casual hook-ups. Many of you are going to college with limited sex education or knowledge.

I get it. How do you know about how to have great sex? If you're listening to the podcast, well, you're on track. This was a good choice. But I asked my Twitter followers what they wish they do about sexy for college, and I love what they said. Bisexuality was legit and not a phase. How to clarify boundaries. It's more fun if both people get off. How to ask for something. How to dirty talk. How to be a better kisser. How to delay a

ejaculation. How to be confident that I deserved orgasms during sex. Yeah, same. I didn't know that in college either. And how to use a vibrator. And to be honest, it's a great list from Twitter. But also, I know a lot of you could still use this stuff no matter if you're in college or you're already graduated. We all need to know a little bit more. So that's why I'm here to help. Let's talk to Benny, 19 in Los Angeles,

who's wondering how to make one nightstands more pleasurable. Hi, Benny. Hi, how are you? I'm good, how are you? What's going on? Not much, I'm just mostly like my sexual activity in high school is always in relationships and stuff like that, where there's a lot of time to figure out what each person liked

and what people didn't like. And now that I'm in college, there's most of the time I go if he was like once or twice maybe. And so I was thinking about how to make those experiences more enjoyable. Yeah, it's a great question. So you're saying if it's just a quick hookup

or a one night stand, how do I make that great sex for both of you? That's a really good question. Well, first let me say this. The studies have shown, the best sex we're gonna have, the most pleasurable sex, the most connected sex, is not sex that's random. And it's actually, it's the sex when it's with someone we trust.

Someone we can totally let go and be ourselves and I can show you all my crazy sides and we know each other. But if you're with someone the one night stand or you know it's just gonna be casual, I would limit, if you wanted to be quality, I would limit the alcohol because what I'm seeing college campuses

is that you get blackout drunk or you get drunk or you have sex and it's just a random hook up and it might be fun. Like it's like, oh my god, it was a surprise. We hooked up in the bar. We had sex in the bar bathroom or we had sex outside, you know, whatever. Like we went, sex in my car, whatever the crazy stuff you do in college. And that's all great stories and they're really fun.

But for sex, that's like amazing. And if you're with women, like it's a little bit different. Like for women, I would say that the way you're always gonna make it an improvement for, I don't wanna speak for every woman, but the majority of them is by slowing down, going three times slower than you think. And that's with kissing, that's with undressing her, kiss her slowly, go down on her first,

not waiting for her to give you a blowjob first. Now I get that some college women aren't comfortable with guys going down on them. That's kind of what I hear because they haven't had a lot of experience, but even if it's just not with your mouth, but with your hands, and you get to know her vulva, like, get to know her vagina, her vulva, like turning her on, telling her she's hot and you're attracted to her if you really are. And I think that that's the whole foreplay thing we talk about. Lots of us even just crave that early stage when it's anticipation. Is it gonna happen? So my advice would be communicating, slowing down, calling after, not just ghosting. I feel like for a lot of experiences it's like it's not much more rare, but it's definitely more rare in like a college

experience in general for like girls to actually like finish from like a one-night stand And so it was more of like they don't one a question in my mind if it there's something like and I know there's no like oh do this and every girl's gonna finish forever Your whole life you're done So I guess it's more just like curiosity of like because there's times there's a lot of times where I feel like if I'm having sex with a girl, I'm like, oh, it seems like she's about to finish, but I'm not really sure what I should do to like, like if I'm not in a relationship with a girl,

where it's like, I'm like, oh, I don't really know what I should do right now to like really make sure she finishes or something like that. So I wasn't sure if there's any like, there's no great to every woman's different, but I would say the longer you can focus on her pleasure, whether it's with your fingers or your hands or your mouth, and asking her what she's into and what she likes.

I think that's how you know, because every woman's different. Challenges, most young women, don't know what they like. They don't know what they want, and they may never have had an orgasm at your age. Over quantity and I dated my girlfriend over a year but when I first started talking to her, I mean, first started having sex, it was like, she never massed her age, she never really orgasms, she never had no idea what she liked. And so it took like months pretty much to figure out like, like the first couple months of a relationship was sort of figuring out what she liked and what she was interested in. And so I was just wondering I was like, I don't

know if there's really any way to do that if it's something an experience. But also I guess that's not what people are really signing up for when they have like a... No, but how do you know it's already a one? How do you know it's going to be temporary? Yeah, I mean that's true too, but there's times where I guess I don't know, and I'm never like, oh, I personally not so do like, go someone very quickly. But I know there's times like, I'll go to a party, and then like, I end up having sex with a girl,

and then I would text them, we'd hang out, and then it'd be like, okay, I guess this isn't gonna happen again, so it was just something that they just, right, because they were drinking or whatever. What do you want right now, Betty? It's very clear to me that like, when I'm happiest and when the sex is the best and like the connection is the best is when I'm with the same person for a while.

Yeah. No. And I think that's exactly how we opened this is it. That's, that's the case for the majority of people. Yeah. Is it if you want to have like depth and you want to have a really connected sex that's hot and you know each other's vibes and bodies. It's going to take a little bit while you don't just walk in and know someone. So there's no magic moves I can tell you. I can't say that if you're doing something and it looks like it feels good in the moment, if it's working and she's like, that feels good or don't stop, keep doing that.

Okay, so it's not like, it's like all the things where it's like, if it looks like feeling good, whatever you're doing, like don't go hard, or don't go fatally. Don't go hard, yes. So she says, don't stop. It's like, don't move, don't change, don't do anything. You're getting that, getting that. Yeah. But I have to say that I love that you're so thoughtful and that you're asking these questions because I think that many, again, though, you're in a difficult place because I think a lot of women haven't done that work yet to figure themselves out. But I think if you like pay attention and you're present and you maybe limit your drinking just to a little bit so you can remember shit. But I mean, the main thing that

I can tell you when I tell the people, wallet is like it's communication, it's paying attention, it's just being, I think like being a good lover is actually paying attention and that you're both really investing to the other's pleasure. Communication's huge. What I'm trying to say, and you can help me now because you're in college and this is where I want it to start. I want to normalize people talking about sex when you're with someone, whether it's one time or five times and you're like, how was that? Maybe you're a breakfast after if you do breakfast.

You know, like, yeah, right? You're like, how was that? What, maybe you're a breakfast after if you do breakfast. Or you're like, yeah, right? You're like, I got eggs here. You're like, let's go get brunch. But I think it's just like, so what, how was it? Like it was really hot. So I want to ask you a question. It seemed like you were really turned on

and seemed like you were about seven orgasms. Is that true? Have you orgasm? Have you masturbated? And I know this sounds like they might not be ready for that. I'll bet you might be the first guy that asked them. But I tell all my listeners to do this because like why can't we talk about it, right?

There's been times where I know the sex that was like better in the moment. So it's like I'm more comfortable to do that. But I feel like it's almost more important when I feel like, oh, that wasn't great. But like let's see how we can improve that. Like I can ask it's like a better time to ask. Exactly.

But it's all great. It's all great to ask. Like if it wasn't, you could say, okay, I want to be honest. It's like a better time to add. Exactly. That but it's all great. It's all great to ask. Like if it wasn't you could say, okay, I want to be honest, I know it was our first time. I've learned that it's not great the first time we were drunk or whatever you seem uncomfortable. But yeah, was that in that moment, I felt like maybe you were pulling away, is that right? And then she would just feel like, my God, you paid attention and you cared. And that's actually how you're going to learn. I guess there's definitely a lot to be learned too. It's like, there's times when the first time like girls just were, they were just like,

oh, that was so good. Like, usually on websites, it's really bad. But I don't really ask questions like, why? Like, I probably should be like, why are you saying that was great? Yeah, so tell me what was good about it. I say, I just want to know. Like, I want to know what made it great.

And she, yeah, how fun. And then you're good. That's how you become a better lover. Because then you're going to take that data to every other person you sleep with. And you're just going to get your first time. You're going to comfortable talking about sex with your lovers.

And you're also going to learn a thing or two. You're not, again, everyone's different. Everyone wants something different. But, you know, just you might get useful tips because having sex with a new partner is you kind of pull from all your tools, like after you have a lot of sex with people over time or relationships you know, you think your toolbox you're like, Oh, oh, that one time that one woman like

the thing I did with my tongue or she liked when I kissed her, I spanked her, you know, it's like, Oh, you don't know. So you're just going to be gathering data. And so now just more research and more being present and being a good guy. You seem like you are. Right. Well, that's good. All right. Thanks, Benny. I appreciate you. Thanks for calling. Bye. Bye. Bye.

I love Benny's call. Listen, it is never too soon to start learning about sex and communication. I wish I had a boyfriend in college at 19 who was like, how was that for you? Did you like it? What were you into? I might have been encouraged to masturbate a lot quicker and to really think about my sexuality and to think about what I wanted. So I think that this is for everybody, all genders,

you should feel comfortable if you're gonna have sex with someone and you're naked in a room together, which is a pretty intimate thing to do. Should also feel comfortable talking about the sex and you know, I feel like she'd do it outside the bedroom when you're branch or hanging out again. But I think that it's an interesting information to get together to learn about yourself. It's like performance reviews, but you could think of it as in a positive way, right? Remember, and these are really going to be like, well,

you sucked at this or you were bad at that. You try to keep it positive and you try to just keep it light and hear some constructive criticism. I mean, it's such a great opportunity because you're going to learn how to ask for what you want. And you're also going to have the practice of healthy communication. And we're always learning, we're never done learning whether you're 19 or 39. This is a practice I want everyone to engage in starting today. This is from Zoe and she's 19. Hey Dr. Emily, I'm wondering if I could get some advice. Me and my boyfriend are 19 and we've been together three years.

We have a healthy relationship with open communication and great sex. However, last night he said he wants to experience other sexual partners, but he doesn't want to lose me. He's never had sex with anyone else and neither have I. It was a hard conversation to have, but I opened up the possibility of a threesome or group sex. I don't want him having sex with other people. If I'm not there because I don't want an open relationship or for us to have separate lives Outside of each other, but I don't want to lose him and I don't want to break up with him. I'm also not comfortable with him having vaginal sex with another woman.

I'm not sure what to do because our relationship is thriving, he just doesn't want to miss out on casual sex that many other people in our age group have. What do you think would be best for us to do? We don't want to lose each other, I'm not sure how to navigate. Let me know. Okay, I totally understand what you're coming from. You're in love, it's great sex, why rock the boat, and I do think at your age, it will be harder to have an open relationship without having the wisdom that comes with being

with multiple people. This is your first lover and your first serious relationship. But as hard as it might be to hear right now, it might be best to break up or to separate and experience other people. Because again, navigating a threesome and you're already having these feelings around him being with other people,

it's gonna be difficult at this time in your life, especially because it's your first boyfriend. I just think that trying to do it to please him and then having these workarounds that you don't want vaginal sex, but you understand that he might want just to play with someone. I think it's going to be really hard, and it might delay the potential inevitable, which is that you're both going to want to experiment with other people at some point.

I believe that you're going to want that. I think it's actually important, too, because what if you only had pizza for dinner, right? Your whole life. Age like 10 to 20, and someone's like, do you want to try chicken, and you only eat pizza for dinner, right? Your whole life, like age like 10 to 20 and someone's like, do you want to try chicken and you only eat pizza? And you're like, well, pizza's great. I can have pizza breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Because it's all you know.

And then you're like, chicken, what? You know, and then you try, like, oh, maybe I can, you know, mix in some chicken. And then you start tasting other foods. And that's kind of what happened with our sex life. We get really connected. You have an emotional connection to him and intimacy and you love him and your best friends

and you know each other. Part of being in our 20s is learning who we are as sexual beings, what turns us on, what feels good, what do we want sexually, what do we want in a relationship. And you'll find that when dating other people that maybe there's things that you didn't necessarily love about this relationship or things that you'd prefer and another, but you didn't have the experience to know and to ask for it. It's like when we stay with one person for a long time before we've dated other

people, we don't know what's on the menu, we don't know the other flavors, the other tastes, the other meals, and that is what sex is. It's about going and trying and exploring. So even though separating from him is could really, really hurt, it will set you up to be free on your own journey. Thank you, Zoe. This is from Mary 21 in New Hampshire. Hey, Dr. Emily, new listener here, so I don't know if you've answered something like this. I love your podcast, by the way. To give you some background, I dated someone from 16 to 18 years old and he ended up cheating on me and said it was because he felt we weren't having enough sex. It was kind of a lot to hear at 17 years old and now it's just embedded in my brain. I spent my college years not dating but having sex with different people a couple times and leaving it at that. That's what I wanted to do. That's what I wanted to do. But now I'm ready to start actually dating people. What I'm struggling because I'm feeling like if I meet someone when I'm out and don't

ask them to come back with me, it's just going to end with that. I'm rooting my chances of making genuine connections with people because we end up sleeping together then it just becomes a hook up and then I don't want to end up being labeled as clingy because I ask to see them again. I feel like my generation does everything backwards. We have sex with people for a while, then start dating, and I don't really want to do that. And I'm feeling weird about it. Maybe I'm not meeting the right man, or maybe it's me, and I'm giving out this pie by just

wanting to sleep with them. I don't know, I'm hoping you can give me some words of wisdom. Thanks Dr. Emily. Alright Mary, well you nailed it. Listen, the earliest messages we hear about sex and yours was at 17 and usually it's something negative we hear about our sexual performance or who we are in a relationship and you heard we're not having enough sex. So when you were 17 Mary, it did get embedded in your brain that, oh, well that just means I'm going to go out and have a lot of sex, which you did.

But now you are questioning it, which makes sense. And so I just want to say it's great that you understand your patterns and know you want to change. You know, to change your patterns, you have to change your beliefs. So your belief system right now is that you're someone who didn't have enough sex and also that you're only valuable to men because you have sex with them. Those are beliefs that you have, but it doesn't necessarily mean they're true or they still serve you. So now you're looking at guys you meet through this lens of, well, if I don't invite them back with me, they're not going to like me. And if I do invite them back, they're going to think I'm clingy. And none of those are necessarily true.

We can't say that every man's going to think that, sure, there might be guys that think you're clingy or guys that won't call you or guys that won't be into you. If you don't see with them, those are not your people. I would say the majority of guys would like to wait and get to know someone and have a connection. You're not going to meet them though if you're leading with, I'm sexual and this is what I can give to you. So you could also practice going out for a drink with somebody or just meeting with someone

and saying, oh, I got to go. Because then when you got to go or you have a plan scheduled, you can't really hang out that much longer. Even if you tell them, like, let's say you go on a date and you say to them, oh, I got to leave. I have a dinner at 10 or I'm meeting going to my friends party at 9. You know, then you have an out. Then you can see whether you like them or not, it leaves them wanting more. You already had a plan.

And then you get to decide, do I actually want to be with this person? To address your question about, you know, giving off that vibe do I actually want to be with this person? To address your question about giving off that vibe that you just want to see with them, you might be giving off that vibe because it's all you know. So you believe men are attracted to you because they can see with you, which means you might be leading with sexual talk

or flirtations. So just know that you can still flirt by acting interested, making eye contact, leaning more towards them than away from them, and we'll still show them that you're interested in them without feeling like you have to make out or have sex. There's some great power in anticipation and delaying sex. I think it's just way underrated, but I do believe your generation does feel that we're

going to have the sex and figure it out later. I'm here to tell you another way that, yeah, the power of waiting, like I said, waiting till you have sex, just knowing there's a little interest and then letting that build towards the next time is really, really hot. Keep them wanting more and then remember, you're deciding if you want more. And what this sounds like is maybe you've been oriented towards thinking, well, I want them to want me and it doesn't really matter what you want. So I'm also going to encourage some healthy masturbation, Mary, understanding your body. Maybe you already do. But if your pattern has been just having a lot of sex and leaving, I just want to make

sure that you're rounding that out with truly understanding your body, what feels good to you, and how you get the most pleasure. So when you do end up meeting guy that you want to sleep with, you already know what you want, what you need and You're listening to podcasts so you'll know how to communicate it. All right. Thanks for your question Mary. I appreciate it Let's talk to R in New York who's curious about how to navigate the college hookup culture is someone on the asexual spectrum For those of you don't know asexuality first to having a low or no interest in engaging in sexual activity Hi, thanks for calling. What's going on?

Yeah, so I was interested in talking about how people that identify on the sexual spectrum, as well as people who identify a part of the trans-astrix community can go about finding their place within things like college, hook-up culture, or within such as like a heteronormative sex-obsistant environment that I have found myself in. I'll be in college. Right. Well, you're really, I mean, it's such a good question because you're really at the forefront of change right now. I mean, this is just in the last few years, everything about sexuality has changed now. I think it's because of your generation. So being part of the movement, part of the

change is not always that comfortable. But tell me what's been going on. Like give me a little bit more information. I can see if I can help you. What has it been like there? I would say pandemic aside, it's most definitely hard to not only discover if someone is queer. Like I'm usually in relatively more conservatively in the environment. So if I were to approach someone, I risk being harassed or being attacked if I'm wrong. Do you think there's any groups on campus like any queer groups, clubs, things like that that you will find peers? I was gonna say there's two groups that have to do with queer life on campus and then I'm trying to start a third. I surprisingly haven't really found a lot of people who identify in the LGBTQ community.

Right. I guess my main issue is like as someone who identifies with the asexual spectrum, I know that it's so othered and so invalidated by like media and usually the type of curriculum that individuals are taught whether it be through sexual education or just through general classes in high school. Yeah. If I am to approach someone regardless, they don't know what to make of me, which then makes it very difficult to even try to approach someone. I would say really, and this is what I would say to anybody, no matter who they're trying to date, is that it's about finding people that you connect with as friends.

And then when you feel safe in that group, that's how you beat other people that you might be interested in. And saying yes to events, and I love that you're going to start your own club or just go to the other ones and see how it feels. Once you're in it, I think you're going to know more what to do, because I understand the fear and I understand hate crimes and all that scares me too and it's a small school. But I think that you're also getting comfortable in a new environment right now. Like it's a whole new post pandemic. I just think it's more about finding your

tribe. Maybe this won't be the campus where you walk up to people, especially if it's very heteronormative. Gender studies classes. I always think I found my people by doing things that I like doing. I found my like-minded people by gauging in activities and events and going places where I like doing things and I felt comfortable. That's how I found the people that I liked. Cool. I guess the one major thing is we're not really taught about sex education. So not only am I going into a situation blind where it comes to like queer life, I'm also going into a situation of blind when it comes to

normal, just like sex education. So I guess like one of the main things that I've stroked and struggling with is I don't know the signs of like I don't know how to flirt. I don't know like the of like, I don't know how to flirt. I don't know like the basic signs of like the dating team in general, like I don't really have personal experiences with intimacy, unless they are platonic. Yeah, I mean sex education is abysmal.

We don't teach it in America, definitely in public schools, we don't. And you know, only 17 states require the sex education dramatically accurate and we're woefully uneducated, and especially when it comes to queer sexuality. We're not there yet. And I just could say that a lot of out flirting and attraction and chemistry comes from learning

yourself and finding people that you do connect with. It's a practice, but it also has to do with doing our own inner work. And I just think for you, have you been in therapy in your life? Have you done any work about all the stuff from childhood that comes up? I just think that the sooner you can get into therapy because we all need it, I know I started at 20, 19 in college.

And I'm so grateful that that gave me, like I was able to, I mean, you're never done. I'm still, I still do work. But it's like you're able to kind of pair that knowledge of what has been holding you back or what happened in childhood. Everyone's parents did something not in a bad way. That's we're here to work on those issues. And that coupled with like a knowing of yourself and a confidence in who you are and what you

stand for, what you believe in sexually to otherwise would help you, I think, start to express this to others, you know. And I think you could also just look at your close friendships right now. This is what you do know. You do know you've close friendships, even if it hasn't been sexual or otherwise. And do you know what qualities are important to you and those people? Do you know when you meet a friend and you like them? Like, you know, it's kind of the same.

I mean, honestly, when you're dating, that's the same thing. Like, it's sort of like you want to be with good, kind people that share some of your values. So I want you to take the pressure off yourself a little bit. I get it, because it's like, you're like, I want to figure it all out, but I think there's some like letting go and experiencing it in the moment. And I think that the less we're focused on, like, how do I meet people? And what do I do when you're really yourself? And you show up as yourself wherever you go,

whoever you meet, you'll find that you'll attract people to you that are more aligned and that you wanna be with. Okay, well, thank you. Of course. Yeah, thank you for calling in. And I wish I could tell you that there was one place to go, but that's my purpose. I'm trying to provide sex education to everyone.

And maybe in your studies, when you start figuring stuff out for yourself, you can start sharing your knowledge to the world because we need it. Right, thanks for calling in. That's a lot. Bye. I really appreciate that call from R. It's really tough to be a college student now.

Let me just say this. The hook up culture, you know, that this expectation should go out and be sleeping with people and get black out drunk. And I wish if I could just impart something to everybody who's in college right now, and that would be to find your people, find your community, find your friends, and know that you shouldn't show up as an expert in anything yet in college, but about sex or relationships or dating or love. And it's such a great place and opportunity, such a learn who you are within those contexts.

And the more you can learn to be present, start a mindfulness practice, be in therapy, start to learn who you are as an adult, maybe the first time away from home, the more likely you're able to attract the right situations, people, places, and events to your world. Okay, guys, there's a lot to learn, but really it's about paying attention to your body, slowing down, and simply experiencing college sex for yourself.

And so I actually asked my Instagram followers to share some fun experiences they had during college to give you some info. We asked what's your hottest college hookup story, and here's some that we got. I texted a guy across a lecture hall to meet me in the bathroom for a cookie during class. Someone else had having sex with a professor. Now the person said I had a threesome on the graduation stage with my girlfriend and her best friend the night before commencement. Having sex standing up in a handicap portability at a concert. After a few drinks, me and the boys had a wild sexual wrestling match, grappling, sucking, biting.

Someone else said I snuck into my school's basketball arena after hours and had sex in the middle of the court. My college girlfriend let me fuck her roommate while she pegged me. Then college. In the middle of a party upstairs in my frat house, we got so sweaty we ran across the hall naked to shower and continue. Three Sims at a Halloween party, nobody else they're realized. Yeah, Halloween parties are pretty nutty. That's a way to get away with the threesome. Went to a sex club for the first time and participated,

most liberating, feeling ever. Lost one for a gin and a one night stand during spring break. I worked in a bar and ended up sleeping with a girl in the keg room during my shift and my boss walked in. I had a threesome with my girlfriend and a hot TA in the TA's office. Everyone have a hot TA, I had a hot TA. Got a blowjob with a library and the girls that she'd swallow all the evidence.

Amazing. No sex at all in college and it filled me with bitterness towards sexually active college couples. All right, everyone. Go out there. Be safe. Use protection. Master bait. Understand your bodies. And ask for what you want. And don't have sex that you don't want to have.

After the break, I'm talking a certified health coach Katrina Wright at College Clean Eating on Instagram. And she's going to share her journey through college, how she left a toxic relationship and started to learn to love herself and her body. Don't go away. Katrina, tell me about you just seems like you have such a successful platform and you've been through a lot. And how old are you first off? I'm 25. 25.

Okay. So tell me about who you are and your journey and how you got into this health and wellness space. My Instagram was college meeting. I was obviously in college at the time when I started it. I loved to eat healthy. And I was like, you know what? It's me so fun if I started a food account to help women want to eat healthy and

affordable meals. At that point, I was in a toxic relationship and it was very emotionally abusive. It was very sex driven and it was the kind of addicting sex where you don't want to stop. No matter how bad they treat you. My worth just became my body and I developed an e-ne disorder. I was so rely on the gym. I was doing everything to be good enough for him. It never was. And it was five years of that kind of cycle on off, on off. And I got out of the toxic relationship and I'm gonna help you relationship now. Katrina, thank you so much for sharing that

because I hear from so many women your age and younger who email and call into the show who are just struggling with their bodies with feeling confident in the bedroom and a lot of people do, they've eating disorders, they have to be super skinny and starve themselves and that's what we're seeing in media and so when I always talk about doing the work you've actually done the work They have to be super skinny and starve themselves. That's what we're seeing in media.

When I always talk about doing the work, you've actually done the work. I just think that's incredible to be 25 years old and be such a role model for so many women. Maybe you could kind of walk me through because I think you can relate to. I went through periods in college, too, where I don't even have a scale in my house now, but I used to get on the scale. I exercised and I was going through I don't even have a scale in my house now, but I used to like get on the scale and I exercised and I was going through stuff like a loss with my dad

dying and there was other reasons, but it's such a hard cycle to break. Maybe you could tell me how you actually went from like abusing your body essentially and then getting into this healthier space. So my biggest shift was actually my grandmother passing. So same with the loss of a loved one. It just clicked to me.

I was like so many memories of me with my grandmother, of So, same with the loss of a loved one. It just clicked to me. I was like so many memories of me with my grandmother, of me with my family, with my friends. I completely wasn't present. I wasn't fully engaged in that moment because I was worried about what I looked like. My weight, I didn't want to eat anything. And it just clicked where I was like, oh my gosh, it's spent so much of my young life holding myself in this container. I looked in the mirror and I saw my mom, I saw my dad, I saw my grandma and my face. And I was like, it's so unique and special that I'm on the surf,

so I'm not going to look back at nine years old and see that I spent the one life I have delimiting myself because of how I look. So it was the physical stuff. You were like, I'm gonna eat what I want, but I'm gonna exercise. Are you still eating clean, right? You're still our clean eater, but you're not restrictive.

Yes. Do my eating disorder and competitions. I developed a lot of gut-based issues. So now I am highly sensitive to dairy and soy and all these things. So I have to eat a certain way. But I eat chai. Whatever I freaking want. Really?

Exactly. You're good. When you were talking about holding yourself back, I was just thinking about sexually too. Because so much about having great sex is letting go, just releasing and being present and making noises and it's messy. And when you're in a restrictive state of mind, when you are holding back who you are, you're eating a certain way, it's really hard to feel free in the bedroom too. 100% I mean, how can you especially let yourself

to let go and fully let your partner dive into you when you are so worried because you're consistently thinking of all these aspects of your body. Like if he touches your grabs you certain way, you're like, oh my god, what went through his head instead of like, yeah, this dick feel good. Like exactly. And it completely takes away from sex 100%.

So how is your sex life changed now in this new, in the new place that you're in, and the body acceptance part of your life where you're treating it well and loving it? In the past, it was more so like, how can I look to please him? How can I action the bedroom to please him? I would do these things that he wanted to do

or I would always end up on top with my ex because that's like the one thing that he wanted to do. But I would always end up on top with my ex, because that's the one thing that he wanted to do. But now it's just, it's more so just like, how can we both show each other love here? And also my boyfriend now being a healthy relationship and our communication open. I know he accepts, and he's very honest with me with like, my vagina pH is off.

He'll be like, hey babe, this is what I smell today. Is there anything going on? And I love that communication because it doesn't make me feel bad. I'm like, well,, this is what I smell today. Is there anything going on? And I love that communication because it doesn't make me feel bad. I'm like, wow, you care about my healthy. He is not shaming. Right. So I think that's important also a conversation because I think a lot of women are insecure about their vagina smell.

Yes. What men think? And instead of having an open dialogue with it, and it was actually super uncomfortable when you brought up to the first house, what do you mean? Don't bring that up again. But then I was like, oh wait, this was actually a uncomfortable. We brought up the first. I was like, what do you mean? Like, don't bring that up again. But then I was like, oh, wait, this was actually really healthy communication for you to bring this up to me in a way that was respectful.

So you can talk about it. And then I can talk to you about my insecurities with it. That is exactly that's beautiful. The pH balance can get off. But typically you're fine. They're self-glide. We say they're self-cleaning ovens. They're going to clean themselves.

But sometimes you get bacteria in it, it could be semen, it could be like you're wed to the gym, you wore your workout clothes too long. And so for your partner to tell you that, is a really loving thing, it's not like you stink you're a bad person, we always think if people give us criticism, it means that we are bad. It's like, no, you just might want a shower

or maybe get it checked out by your gynecologist because I know whenever I'm with new partners, I end up getting a bladder infection or a UTI or something, just because it's a new, and that's not just me, that's because there's a new penis inside of me. You know, it's like a different condom or a lube. So that's such a great example of reframing.

What it means when someone gives you feedback about something. Oh yeah, it was brutally honest but beautiful and that's been one of the, the biggest changes, as we said, from the shift of allowing yourself to be fully, you know, I'm letting him fully accept my body and it's not, you know, that's just been the most beautiful part of changing from a toxic to healthy relationship. Yeah, it seems like it on your Instagram, you all look, how you look healthy And you're working out and you're adorable together Bring it up my boyfriend actually on Valentine's Day one on your website and looked up your top sex products

And I came home from dinner and it was all the counter and it was that the one that looks like a microphone through your clay like huge the huge one You know the magic wand. He got you a magic. Did you tell me everything? I so I'm a avid sex toy user. Love sex toys. Been a big part of myself, my self care. I've never experienced anything like this magic one because I'm such a clit simulation girl. And I make a joke out of it because it looks like a microphone.

I'm like, it's just like begging my clits like singing to it. It's like, please like release something. But I mean, it's like seconds. That thing gets me going. It's like, please, like, release something. But I mean, it's like seconds. That thing gets me going. It is magic. It's truly magic. I love that he got you the magic one. Okay. What else did he get you? This is so exciting. What plug from you? He got me. Um, it's like this cock ring that has like a little bunny rabbit ears on it. Yes. Um, and also like the edible Louge loo. And we got like the muse that has,

I said, Saltacaramo. Yes, muse's salted caramel is amazing. They aren't selling it anymore. But when you run out, you can get another bottle from their sister company, System Joe. And I already enjoy giving it had, but it just like, you know.

Well, that's the thing about it. And I shouldn't say it's my favorite because they also make a mint chocolate that I love too. But using the flavored luke when you give a blowjob, you're like, I can keep it taste delicious. And I'm not bought you penises fine too, just like vaginas were all fine, but it's not so bad to pour it on.

It doesn't hurt, you have a little taste. So tell me, could you know, where do you think women can start? But I get so many questions women are like uncomfortable in the bedroom and you know, for you obviously wasn't overnight. What's a good place for people to start right now if they're kind of feeling not in their bodies? Because one thing I will say that people like, well, when I lose five pounds or when I

get here, when I get there, then I'll take care of myself, but that you never get, there's no there there. There's no end of the road. No partner. Nobody else is going to give you that validation that you are seeking in the bedroom. And that's important to recognize. I think we focus so much on what our partner thinks

and how we look in lingerie and all these things. And that's not gonna really supply that internal confidence because that internal confidence just comes from you knowing that you are creating the absolute best version of yourself, you're working on that. I've been 40 pounds lighter, I've been 10 pounds heavier than I am now, and it's always been in the root of me knowing,

hey, I'm creating a beautiful human being inside, and I don't want a man to see me for just my physical appearance and think that's sexy. I want him to see my light shine outward and feel my energy from me. So that's kind of where I've started to heal my relationship with myself. No one is you. No other person is you and no other person.

Then we know the person's a trainer and no one's going to bring what you bring to the bedroom because you bring what you bring. I really love to see that shifting a little bit. I think I think it is, but there's still the women who are like, I'm not going to show what I really am. So I'll like me more for the fake facade. I'm putting on. And that's how you felt, like going back to your, you know, having more confidence when you just became more authentically free. For me personally, I've always had smaller chests and I actually kept my shirt on, majority of my sex life. Like, I didn't take my shirt off for about, I think like four years ago I was person-minded. I always kept it on. And I was super embarrassed.

Why? What were you just thought of your breasts were too small or too small? I um yeah I was just like really insecure about it. I guess on porn I always saw girls with big boobs. Right. The sister has like size ease and guys with yeah they'd always be like oh my god I'd be like they'd make fun of me and say you know what happened to yours. I'm like I I said, I should wear a shirt. So I just never, I just never took it off. And then of course, when it comes to vaginas, you know, what does he think, what does it look like? How tight it is? I want to talk about this too, because I don't think men

understand that vaginas will stretch after having sex with sick. It goes back to his... If you have a baby, like, if you have a baby, is when it might just sick your muscles are weaker, but it doesn't even stretch. No, it doesn't stretch. Thank you, baby, like you'd be, if you have a baby is when it might just sick your muscles are weaker, but it doesn't even stretch. No, it doesn't stretch. Thank you, okay, thank you.

No, your vagina's fine, everyone, your vagina's fine. Oh, I just want to hug the little of you. I want to like just take that little Katrina, my arms, but you had, but look how much you, it spurred your whole next chapter. I want to ask Katrina, the five questions we ask all of our guests. Okay, okay, ready? Your biggest turn on. I want to ask Katrina, the five questions we ask all of our guests. Okay.

Okay, ready? Your biggest turn on. It is weird to say my first thing with a chocolate. No, not at all. Chocolate loop. Okay, biggest turn off. Honestly, I went right to lack of communication. What makes good sex?

For me, right away, communication sound, I'm a big, I need to hear you talk to me, make some noise. Okay, something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Ooh, you're unique. There's no scale of good enough because you've known as you. There's no scale, there's no comparison. Okay, well more, what's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? Discover with myself first okay. If I'd have done it with myself first I would have been able to

act it out in the bedroom and know what I like and all those things. It's totally it. Thank you so much Katrina tell me that people can find you. My Instagram is college clean eating and my business is sculpted you and the self-care space to my companies and you can run me there on Instagram. Thank you so much for being here. You're so welcome! [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ That's it for today's episode. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review

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