Sex With Emily - Sex Tips I Wish I Knew In My 20s

Episode Date: January 9, 2021

You don’t know what you don’t know, especially when it comes to sex. I get so many questions from my listeners in their 20s, so I thought it’d be fun to showcase some of their insightful questions in one podcast, specifically the ones I wish I knew at their age. Anal sex, cheating, miscommunication in the bedroom, pain during sex, moving past shame, advice for starting an open relationship, and so much more all in this episode!For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

So last week, we talked about being really intentional about planning out a pleasure-filled year. Do you want to have more orgasms? Do fantasies you'd like to try with your partner? Do you just want to enhance intimacy and pleasure in all areas of your life? And I heard from many of you that you need support and ideas for setting your sexual intentions for the new year. Because if we don't write something down and we don't plan it, it's not gonna happen.

When you fail to plan, you plan to fail. And I don't know about you, but I do not want you fail on having more pleasure this year. So I created this step-by-step guide to help you map and reach your goals. It's for free. It's on the website. It's called the Pleasure Planner. And download it from my site at sexwithemle.com. You can also just search Pleasure Planner or sexwithemle.com slash downloads. Super easy to use. It's a fun exercise. You can do it with yourself. You can do it with your partner. And then you're going to have a pleasure map that you can use throughout the whole year and it's going to definitely make these sex conversations easier. So download your pleasure planner and commit to making this your sexiest year yet. We all want different things and different stages of our life, different ages, but most

of us don't of all. Most of us still have sex like we did in high school. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mark our sacred institutions. Betrubize they call them in a fight on day. You're listening to sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex.

I get so many awesome questions from you every day, but I recently been getting a lot of calls from listeners in their 20s. And so I thought it would be fun to do a show where I pulled together some of these questions because first off they're so great. And when I'm answering them, I can't help but think, God, I wish I knew this stuff in my 20s. I didn't know it. And to be honest, I really didn't know a lot of it in my 30s. So we get into, you know, what you should know before trying anal sex, you know, what to do if you've been cheated on, how to get more confident in the bedroom. And the thing is, this isn't just for people in their 20s because like I said, I didn't know it. And

I find that these are not necessarily questions I only get from people in their 20s, but they just kept coming in. So no matter what you're age you're at, you probably need to hear the lesson again or maybe you're learning it for the first time. Intentions with Emily, for each episode, join me in setting an intention. It really helps, because when you're listening, you can think like, what do I want to get out of listening to this episode?

How could this help me? It could be, oh, yeah, I want to learn how to be more confident and bad. Well, my intention is to show you, no matter what age you are, it's okay to ask questions and get curious about your pleasure. We are never done learning. Enjoy the show.

What's up? What's up? Let's talk to Chelsea 26 in California. Hi, Chelsea. Thanks for coming. Hi, Emily. I just want to first honestly like thank you so much for like your podcast. I've been listening it to it for years and you actually helped me get out of

a reputian relationship. That's not why I'm calling. But I just want to thank you and I really appreciate our call. You're so welcome Chelsea. So glad I can help. Thank God. Got out of a abusive relationship. That's great. Yeah, so that was a while ago. But my question now is, I'm in a healthy relationship now, but we started as a kink relationship. And now that I'm healthy and I graduated out of therapy,

I'm just not into it anymore. And my partner still is. Oh, okay, Chelsea, that is, well, first off, I just wanna say congratulations for being 26 year old, getting out of an abusive relationship and actually doing the work and having such self-awareness that you realize that kink worked for you and now you're no longer there.

So that's really healthy, so I'm just gonna tell you that. And gradually, therapy, you're awesome. I think you just got a conversation with him, like do you think that he's someone that could graduating therapy, you're awesome. I think you just got to have a conversation with him. Like, do you think that he's someone that could be more, that he would be willing to be in a relationship with you? Yeah, you talked about it. We talked about it all the time and he's like, well, like, will you try?

And I was like, yeah, but I just like, I don't know, like, I mean, it's not anything like, I mean, obviously all the play per-eager cancel a COVID and things like that. I'm like, well, maybe like, let's just put it on hold until after COVID and then maybe if I go to a party with you, then I'll like be more interested in it. Wait, so Chelsea, are you saying that he, so you've been in the kinky real, do you want, can you explain to me how it's been like pre COVID?

We met on set life and like we're into like rope and like some impacts and met. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need the dates. We need mean like spanking and discipline impact like slapping. Yeah, and like, yeah, and like those toys that they have like the, like, bloggers, like, sex shops. Yeah, like the vloggers and the paddles and stuff. Yeah, okay. So you graduate from that, but you might still want to vary it. So okay. So I think it sounds like you just need to explore with him. But are you still, are you, and what does he say when you bring it up to him?

He says, no, I, you said that he's okay with it though. No? He's not. I mean, he still wants me in a relationship with me. He just wants me to try to be interested in it or teach him how I like it, but what I used to like, I don't like anymore. Oh, okay, well Chelsea,

let me tell you that the steps for this would be let's go on an adventure together. Let's explore other ways to play. One of my first tips is to do some research. Get curious about what your options are to play sexually. Get like, you'll see what's interesting to you. Watch some of, you know, porn or listen to a rotica. That's my first step as to research.

And then also you can go to our website, check out the Yes, No, Maybe list. You could both take that quiz, and it lists literally every sex act you can imagine, kissing, spanking, cuddling, it has everything on there. And then you could see it's a Yes or a No or maybe. And even if you fill out a bunch of babies or nose, that's progress and it might just get your mind going,

oh, that sounds interesting, I don't know with that. Let me look it up. So a lot of couples are using this as a great tool to going like, oh, that sounds interesting. I don't know what that, let me look it up. So a lot of couples are using this as a great tool to jump off point. So don't be yourself up that you don't know where you want to go next. I want to congratulate you for knowing that the sex life you're having is no longer working for you. That's so beautiful that you know that. And I would say that your partner sounds like he's on board too, but he doesn't know what

you want. But I'll bet if you present new scenarios and new things help you down He's probably was the year-age as well. Yeah, you know our secret. He's in this 26 years old. It's like we This is something I want to impart to everybody is that you shit. We all change sexually We all want different things and different stages of our life different ages But most of us don't evolve. Most of us still have sex like we didn't high school. Most of us still have sex like we did on, you know, before we got married or,

and if you pay attention and you get curious about sex, you get curious about exploring, then the world opens up to you. So it's okay that you don't know right now. And I would talk to him in that way and say, hey, let's go on an adventure because you still, you really like this guy, right? Yeah, yeah, I do. Okay.

So Chelsea, I feel good about this. I think that you just, you know, we would put so much pressure on ourselves that you should come to the table and you should have a whole new plan. But how would you know? How would you know if you haven't explored yet and you've been having sex the same way, you know,

with more kink? It's okay to not want kink anymore and want a variation of kink. Yeah. Yeah. I think the list is a great idea because it's like a good launching off point. That's a great, it's a fun activity, get a glass of wine, you know, whatever. Sit together, make a meal, and do the yes, no, maybe a list. And then call me back if you're like, hey, I'm not you know, I'm here every night. So if you're like, okay, well, we did this, but we want different things or you know, we the same things let me know how it goes okay

just one step at a time okay thank you okay bye I tell see thanks for calling appreciate you let's talk to Noah 23 in North Carolina hi Noah hi how's it going good Noah thanks for calling what's going on talk to me well I guess I just don't really know where to start exactly I've been dating a girl for a little over a year now and we're very much in love. She loves my family and we really clicked. We talk about marriage often. We even basically have a date set that we know we want to get married. We live together.

I've always really been, tried to be very open with communication about our sex life with her as far as like being adventurous and like wanting to find out what she likes and what she's into, but she's always been a little bit more closed off. And so I've just kind of tried some things, taken some guesses, and tried to like say, hey, you know, we can talk openly about this. Like, I want you to feel comfortable talking to me. And it just gets worse. Like, now we're at the point where she's basically like, cut me off. Like, she seems to think that it's something that we both won't enjoy. And she, she doesn't even like, make out with me if I initiate it. She'll pull away.

and she doesn't even like make out with me if I initiate it, she'll pull away. And otherwise, she brings me gifts, she's so sweet to me. She clearly still loves me, but it's almost like I'm being friend-zoned in my own relationship. And literally a few weeks ago, I even surprised her. I drove an hour both ways to get her her favorite sushi, and I surprised her with a candle at dinner and a bottle of sake and whenever I started to try to initiate something she got really

upset and left the room and got her pajamas and just like that was it. No, god you sound, you explain that really well. So let me just say thank you for that. And I totally get what you're what you're going through here. And it sounds really, really frustrating. So would you say that you're what of her first sexual experiences, this relationship? I don't think so. She's actually a bit older than me. Okay. Like 25. And yeah. Yeah. That's I know it seems older when you're 23, but it's like like in your 20s is the time where we Hopefully start to explore ourselves We have more time to figure out what we like and if she grew up perhaps You know, maybe she's never really explored herself before or she doesn't really know how to talk about sex

Maybe she grew up in a home where it was Shamed and it wasn't encouraged to talk about sex. Maybe she doesn't know her own body yet. I mean, people in there, I would say, unless she was listening to my show for 10 years, or you actively were seeking, you know, 15 years, you were seeking out sex information, I just think it's a set of, she doesn't really know enough about sex. Like, she doesn't, it probably maybe she's not as into it because she, does she have orgasms? Does she have pleasure? Does she masturbate? I'm starting to question that. probably maybe she's not as into it because she, does she have orgasms, does she have pleasure? Does she masturbate?

I'm starting to question that, I've gone down on her a few times and she says that she really likes it and she says that she didn't, she's never like had someone that was as good at it as me. Like she seems to enjoy it, but she still is like hesitant to let me do it and she doesn't really seem to like it.

Like she doesn't seem to like territorial stimulation a whole lot. Okay. And so yeah, I haven't really figured that out yet. You don't know, you're not, well listen, you're doing everything right, but I think we gotta start with the communication aspect here. I'll bet that she just doesn't have a lot of experience with her own body.

With, I hear this from, I mean, I think we hear this every day from young women in their 20s who feel they don't want someone to go down in them, they feel like they're dirty or their partner won't really want to. They've never had an orgasm, they've never explored their body. Maybe they're holding on to something from childhood,

religious shame, maybe she had trauma. I'm just throwing things out there, no, I don't know. So you're doing everything like right. I'm sure you're being a wonderful boyfriend and God. I mean, you would got me so she I'd be in. But there's something going on with her. Do you think that she, I mean, is she on any medications? She like on any depressants or birth control pill? Not that I'm aware of. She's definitely not on birth control. I'm pretty sure she's not on any antidepressants either. She does seem to have like some insomnia, so she takes melatonin, but that's about

four. Yeah, melaton is pretty safe. So no, I don't know if you ever listened to this show before or my podcast. I've got lots of them. A lot of couples listen to that together. Like, I think she just needs to start to hear the language of like it's totally okay to talk about sex. It is something that you know, it's our pleasure, it's our birthright. We all deserve to be sexual beings and to explore ourselves. And it's okay to ask for what we want. And I think that even though I know she's a few years older than you, but 25 still isn't to listen.

I was having sex, so I was 35 and then I realized I was not enjoying it as much. And I wasn't having orgasms and I was faking. She's pretty much where a lot of women are. You're thinking, well, I'm masturbating since I was, I don't know how long, I know I'm 16 or 15. You're like, what? She probably hasn't. I didn't masturbate until I was 25.

I didn't even know about it. What I'm hearing is that she loves you. She wants to be with you. She's doing really sweet things, but this whole sex piece is sort of a really big unknown. It's like a big question mark over her head. A lot of us don't have accurate sex information. We weren't raised with sex ed in schools. The only thing we learned from is porn

or someone gossiping about something in high school and then we think that's true. Like, I don't really want to go down and you. Maybe she heard that once and think she's shameful. It's bad, it's wrong. I'm just kind of throwing out all the things, Noah, that you, but you probably need to unpack together. And so you could get some, you know, go to my website.

It has some great stuff. Sexwithemily.com. You could buy some books. You could just, like I know you're asking her what she wants and what feels good, but she, I'm going to guarantee that she doesn't know. She doesn't know sex. Maybe just feels kind of raw. Because if your brain isn't on board for sex, you could be doing all the right moves.

You know what? You could be the best oral master ever. And if her brain is going, oh no, does he want to be there? I'm not sure. Does it feel good? Does it not? She won't have an orgasm. She won't have pleasure because she can't let go because her head is telling her something

else. So that's what you got to impact there. So I think what I recommend always is taking this conversation outside the bedroom next time you're having a nice candlelit dinner or tonight or whenever you want, you just say, I've really been thinking about this. You know, hey, I just want to kind of talk about, you know, maybe we could go or sex life.

I notice that it kind of gets, it seems to me, it's getting you upset lately and I would really like to, you know, help you figure out what's going on and let's talk about it. And I know you said you've said this before, but sometimes we need to say it a few times. If she's had 25 years of a different message about sex, you bringing it up once or twice

isn't going to get her on board. You want to be with somebody who knows what they don't know, who's like, I get it, you're right, I have some shame around it, let's work on it. But if she just keeps shutting you down the next six months when you keep trying to talk about it, then you have some more information. But I don't know what she's up to.

Yeah, absolutely. So. I've tried to a few times, but she also will come up with excuses sometimes, like, and or she'll just get upset, but I don't know what the best way to communicate with her is, sometimes she'll say that she's depressed or that maybe it'll hurt when we have sex or she just comes up with different things.

She has been trying to offer solutions. Well, no, I think you're going to go to the doctor about it. Okay, so does she have pain? She's not as she probably is having pain. Yeah, I've tried to I've tried to encourage her to go to the doctor about it But I have not had any success yet Has she told you she has pain? She said she doesn't really know for sure She wonders if she has a cyst or something, but she also has admitted that it might just be in her head And she's also said that she thought that she's had hormonal imbalances before but then the doctors said no i'm not entirely convinced and then sometimes she just says that like she hasn't seen her she moved here from somewhere else she says she hasn't seen her friends and she's just upset about that that's why she doesn't want to be intimate with me but then even less encouraging is the fact that we're planning on moving to an entirely different city in the next couple of years

So don't see that getting better. No, I would work on this Yeah, one other thing too. I think I miss her. Do she's actually 31 so she is a little bit older than me Okay, she's dated she dated someone that was much older than her at 1.2 So I just I don't know Huh, well know what yeah, okay. So she's 31, but still honestly, she do know if she's ever had any trauma. She may have. She hasn't been super open with me about that. I do know that she's had some abusive relationships

in the past. So I wonder something like that went down. Yeah, but I don't really know how to approach that subject gently. I think, yeah, I mean, no, you sound really gentle and really loving. So I think just saying, I really care about you and I want to help you unpack this. And you could even, she probably needs you here to say it's not just because I want to have more sex with you, but you could say, it's not that. It's not like I'm trying to get you to have sex with you right now, even if we need to take a break for months, what you figure this out, I'm fine with that.

But you want to see her on the path. But also 80% of women have pain at some point in their lives with sex, and they feel bad about that too. It could be something called vaginismus where every time maybe it's a tampon or a penis or anything enters her, that could be painful too. And then she needs to go to a pelvic floor,

physical therapist. I think it's just this conversation because you're 23 year old man and you are right now to call in about this because there's a lot of important things in a relationship but sex is a pillar. Sex is a, our sexual health and wellness is a pillar over our wellbeing

and when our sex life isn't going well, it's hard to have the relationship go well. So this is gonna take some packing and some listening but I don't think it that she doesn't like you. It sounds everything you're saying. It's like it's either pain or trauma or shame. And that's what you got to tell her that, you know, you're here to help her or she should go to therapy because everyone needs therapy at some point. I believe it really helps. I believe you too. Well, thank you so much. Of course, Noah. I'm here. Let me know how it goes, you know, like because I will be here. All right. Well, thank you so much. Of course Noah, I'm here. Let me know how it goes, you know, because I will be here for you.

All right. Well, thank you very much Emily. Have a great night. Thanks for calling. I appreciate you. You too. You guys, it is not easy to have these conversations. It could be religion.

It could be pain. It could be a message you had growing up because I hear this every time and I don't just hear it from 23 year olds. I hear it from 50 year olds. I want to say it's more women I hear this every time, and I don't just hear it from 23 year olds, I hear it from 50 year olds. I want to say it's more women I hear about, from men who are with women, and they say, my wife, I want to spice it up. It's been 20 years, but she won't talk about it. And it's sort of the same thing.

Have you ever talked about it before? Does she have pain? Does she feel it's okay to ask for what she wants? Sex is a journey. It is not a destination. We don't just learn everything. Even if we had excellent sex ed, and we knew all the stuff about pleasure and safety, we still would have to explore what we like. I mean, think about how you developed like your palate for

food you like. Like you know when you go into a restaurant, what kind of what what flavors you're ordering, what food you like. Do you want pasta? Do you want pizza? Do you want chicken? Like you know, maybe you never eat chicken. So you're like, I you like, do you want pasta, do you want pizza, do you want chicken, like you know, maybe you never eat chicken. So you're like, I will not have chicken, but you know because of the lifetime of eating food you figure out what you're into. Your sex life is exactly the same.

And if you haven't tasted as many different flavors, you are not gonna know. And then on that, you put shame or you put trauma. you know, you know, maybe she's afraid of hurting her partner's feelings. Maybe she's like, no, I don't want to hurt your feelings. So if I tell you that I have pain, then you're going to leave me. I mean, it's very, there's a lot of different things, but we have to clear out all these road blocks to even getting to sex.

That gets so I'm talking about there's road blocks. That's what I'm saying that no matter what age you are, I can't just say, well, download the yes-no-maybe list by your partner at toy. That's, you can't lead with that stuff. You've got to clear the cobwebs of the communication. You've got to get into it. You've got to, like, there, and every relationship is going to have this. And the older you get in the longer your wisdom one, it gets a lot harder to talk about

your sex life. But I say, start now. Start tonight. When we come back, we'll talk to Elizabeth, whose boyfriend keeps cheating on her. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Let's talk to Elizabeth 27 in Connecticut. What's going on?

Hi. Hi, Emily. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi.

Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi.

Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, hi. Hi, I'm sorry, we met on Tinder actually. And in the beginning, it was more of a sexual relationship and we were both comfortable with that because I just got out of the long relationship. So I didn't necessarily want anything that was too crazy. Things kind of progressed with him and we did end up starting to date.

And I believe it was like February, we went away together for this very romantic trip to Boston and I come back home. Monday morning, I get a message on Facebook that's basically like blah, blah, blah, blah, my boyfriend and I'm like, wait, what? You know, I was completely in his back. And he was his picture, right?

She was talking about your boyfriend. Yeah. She said, my, but she called the my boyfriend. Yeah. Okay, got it. Wow, okay. Yeah, so, you know, long story short with that, we ended up, you know, breaking up for a while. This is when quarantine has first started. So he was by himself. I

was by himself just soaking in my thoughts. So, you know, after a few months, I kind of decided, you know, let me give him a chance to kind of rectify the situation and talk about it because I had also been in the same situation with my ex partner. Her and I were in that same kind of predicament towards the end of our relationship. So I understood and I empathized where he came from and I knew if it were me, I would want a second chance. So, you know, we did all that. His, one of his really good friends,

like I would say one of his best friends had passed away in late August. So after we had gotten back together, we were living together at this point again, and his best friend had passed away. And I just noticed a big change in his personality. And I noticed that he was starting to ask very different. One night I just had the, you know,

just the idea of something just didn't feel right. So I ended up going through his phone which normally I don't ever do. I have no reason to do that unless, you know, there is an actual reason that presents itself. So I did, I found some stuff with a phone number with the area code that was actually from Connecticut and he was from New Jersey.

So I was like, this is really weird. So I confronted him about it, he had it up coming clean. So it was a girl that I actually went to high school surprisingly enough. And I guess they had met up and they slept together. And immediately after when I found out, it was a big blowout.

We did have a big argument about it. So fast forward to today, we are almost embarrassed to say, but we are still together. We've done a lot of talking. Being in quarantine together is forced us to really like re-evaluate our relationship. What it is that both of us want. What it is we both need and what we want from each other. So we've had a lot of really good conversations. And I will say as a

partner, he he does want to do better. And I think he does want to rectify what he does. But he has this like this serial pass. And I'm just wondering like, is there a way for us to move on? You know, what do we do to like move forward? We talk all the time. We are very open with each other. We do have those great conversations where we're, you know, I'm, I, I believe starting to build trust again, but it's like, is it possible to like move forward?

You know, it's a great question. I mean, Elizabeth, I only think that people change if they want to change. So he can't just say I'm not going to cheat again. He doesn't know why he's got an impulse. It's probably intimacy issues. You get too close and it's hard for him. Like is he your age as well? Is he also 27?

He's 29. So he's a little bit older. Yeah. He's a long relationship type of guy. Usually I get to see people after about six months or so. So for me to be with him for as long as I have been, to me means that, you know, I do have these very strong feelings for him, but it's just for me. I don't know really like where to move forward with this situation because it's like, I don't want to hold it against him. And I do truly believe that he does want to change because his actions since, you know,

August have really like taken a big turn. It's a 180. You know, I do see that and I do believe that. And, you know, I know action speak louder than words, but like I said, we have all these conversations and he is there for me and he supports me and everything that I do and he only lifts me up. Like, he only brings good into my life except for that one issue you know has happened twice. Yeah. Yeah. Well that's and and and like I feel like it's does he tell you why it happened? Did he say? Which is ex-girlfriend I think they were just at a point where you know they were trying to you know it was a long

distance thing at that point if he was living in Connecticut for work and that's actually like you know how we were able to meet on Tinder with the girl that I knew from my hometown. He says, and I hope to believe that it's just the tragedy of losing a loved one because he's had a lot of loss in his life. And I think that he's just not dealing with it. And then it's leaking out into other parts of his life, for example, our relationship. Right. I mean, I don't think that you just rebuild trust because time goes by. I think that, I mean, I think you're very forgiving. I just think that there's usually something else.

Do you guys want to get married? Do you want to be a monogamous? Have you guys talked about what you both want? Yeah. I mean, serious conversations about and children and just where with our lives together. It's

you know, just a little sling this for, you know, almost almost, you know, almost go now and it's like we've got you know, he even says smell I told you things that I have literally never told another person before and you obviously want to believe that that's true,

but he told me some very deep, intimate things that you don't just like share with anybody. Well, but I don't think that means that he's not gonna cheat. I'm gonna be honest, just because he's telling you things. To me, it's more like does he fantasize about being with other people? Does he really think you're the last woman he's going to sleep with for the rest of his

life? Is he the last man you're going to sleep with for the rest of your life? Listen, there are statistics that show this. I am not making this up that when someone starts a new relationship by cheating, they're going to cheat on you. They're going to cheat on the next part of the next part of the next part until they figure out maybe they just don't want to be amnogamous. Maybe there's someone who wants to have a relationship Maybe he still has some stuff he wants to try out. I'm sure it's not about you being with your friend from high school I'm sure she wasn't any like she's not like better day. It was just something it was variety And he's you guys were in your 20s and a lot of people just kind of want to you know

We all maybe he wants his cake. You need it too. He's like well, I really like being with you So I don't I don't know but I can't guarantee like yeah, it too. He's like, well, I really like being with you. So I don't, I don't know, but I can't guarantee, like, yeah, it sounds like it's been good for a few months, but it was good for a few months last time as well. And the fact that he's telling you deep, intimate things doesn't mean that he's not gonna cheat when the impulse, when something happens. There's an impulse.

So that's what I'm telling you. And was you really, I recommend couples therapy. I know you might think that's, you've been together with me on a half, but even just going a few times could be helpful. I'd have a hard time trusting right now. Yeah, so we've had conversations about going to therapy together.

Unfortunately, both of us had lost our jobs during the pandemic. So it's not the kind of in a position where we don't have insurance, you know, go to do those things or stuff, you know, kind of at home, just talking things out and, you know, just, you know, going day by day pretty much. Right. I have very strong feelings for him. And like I kind of said before, when it hits that six and talking things out and, you know, just, you know, going day by day pretty much. Right. Right. I'm very strong feeling for him. And like I kind of said before, when it hits that six month mark, I'm usually like,

and I'm okay, you know, but with him, I do feel that strong connection. And I do want this to be like my my last relationship. And, you know, he's expressed the same thing. It's just, you know, so hard to obviously know with the other person's thinking. You almost want like, you know, some way to read their mind, but obviously that's not possible. Right, right. Well, they're just a little bit more like understanding, like doing some deep dive into like, what are your values?

What does the future look like? What would what your views around money? Do you both want kids? What kind of sex do you like having? Like check out our yes-no maybe list at sexwithamily.com and download that like start having conversations about real things you can start to figure out are we people that who who really could say together and like the same kind of things. Yeah, are you compatible? I

mean, I think that's what you got to figure out right now. Not just sharing things about your past and it's great that he trusts you because you can make excuses. It's about the X was already over and that this one was because his friend died, but I don't know. My friend died. I'd want to go towards the person that was giving me love and support. I was, I agree. I agree. I agree. So I think he just needs to, he needs his own therapy. I think, you know, I have things that I want to work on myself, but in order for us to be happy together, I think we need to be happy separately, you know? Well, that's true too. Maybe you're trying to get all that. Yeah, and it's a lot. It's a lot. I think if you could definitely get some kind of therapy

right now, I think it's always helpful to have therapy, especially in your 20s or when you're not in like a huge crisis, it's a good time to go. I think if there's a good book you guys could do together. Oh, the book is called Coming Together by Celeste and Danielle, the sex theory book coming together. And it's a really good book. It's about embracing your core desires, a sexual fulfillment and long-term compatibility. And it's a book about sex. I mean, it's mostly sex compatibility, but I'm going to be honest with you. You're probably going to find out some things about it. I think, it's mostly sex compatibility, but I'm gonna be honest with you. You're probably gonna find out some things about, I think that's actually where a lot of couples fall short

because they haven't talked about sex and they get married in 20 years ago by and they realize they don't even like the same kind of sex. So maybe do something like that. Like once a week get together. Okay. All right. Thanks, Elizabeth.

Okay, thank you so much for your help and just kind of talking through it. I appreciate it. Yeah, of course. Let me know you know I'm here every night. So you can call me back, ask questions. talking to me through it. I appreciate it. Yeah, of course. Let me know you know I'm here every night to call me back as questions. Just take that next step. Thanks for calling my lead 22 in San Francisco. Hi, my Lee. Thanks for calling. What's going on? Hi, Emily. Hi. I just had a couple questions about the drawback to anal. drawbacks of anal. I was just wondering what the, like, if there were any negative consequences of it, and if you had it too frequently, what you should look out for anything you should

keep an eye on when you're doing that sort of set. Great question, Marley. Great question, because yes, there's dangers to anal sex if you do it incorrectly. And that's why it gets such a bad rap for being so painful. And so if you sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual sexual all about these few things that are the most important. The most important is that you're relaxed, that you're breathing Miley, that you're already turned on. Maybe you've already had a literal orgasm. Maybe he's already gone down on you. You know, you're already like making out or maybe you're already even having sex,

penetrative sex. And then you want to make sure that you are in a comfortable position, rolled over and then you use a ton of loop. Like my best tips are like use a lot of loop. I recommend a comfortable position, rolled over, and then you use a ton of lube. My best tips are like use a lot of lube. I recommend a silicone lube. Pure makes silicone lube that's incredible. It's called pure analyze, actually.

It's an anal lube. You could also try with a finger first. Make sure that his hands are clean and nails are trimmed and all those things. But you could also just start teasing you on the outside. But what happens is a lot of times the anus is not self lubricating so it could be dry when you stick something in. So you're just going to make sure that you do all the prep. Okay.

Yeah. I will. My follow up question was going to be which loop do you recommend? But thank you for covering that on the first round. Of course. Yeah. Well, because it's all about loop, Marley, you're not allowed to have an anal sac to that loop. I will. Okay. We'll be noted. Okay. Of course, yeah, well, because it's all about Lou, Marley, you're not allowed to have annual sex without Lou.

I won't let you. Well, do we know, Dad? OK. Thank you. Of course, let me know how it goes. OK. Anything else? I'll call you next week.

Do call it next week, but don't be put. Yeah. I don't know if you'll make me a question. Thank you, I'm going to. Good. I got you. Of course, thanks for calling, Marley. I appreciate you. We're going to take a quick break, but stick around for my call with Hannah,

who's looking to have a threesome. We're going to talk to Hannah 27 in Indiana. We're going to help you grow all Hannah. What's up? Thanks for calling. Hi, hi Emily. I'm so nice to talk to you. You too. So I have a question about three sums and how to get that started with my husband. We've been married for four years and we've always talked about a three sum as a fantasy, but we have two main concerns. One, we've only ever had sex with each other because we've only ever dated and been with each other because we've only ever dated and been with each other.

So we're kind of nervous about, I guess, having that sexual interaction with another person. And then, we are parents. We have an almost one year old, and I know it's kind of, people don't really think of parents as like sexual beings, even though they had to have sex to make the baby. Yeah. Being like engaging in that type of baby like this is looked down on you. Yeah. Okay. Well, we don't look down to you.

We celebrate you, Hannah. You are awesome. You've been with your husband, you know, for a few years, you haven't gone to child and you're still sexually curious and you guys want to expand your sexual repertoire. I think this is amazing. We all support you in this mission. So the first thing is you said that you have been together and you've talked about it. Have you sort of role played it or you talked dirty about it or has it just been, hey,

maybe we should try this some time. How far along? Openly as like a fantasy. And we're just, I've actually just started listening to your podcasts in the last month or so, so we're starting to talk more of like dirty talking about it and kind of like experimenting that way and like making sure we both be like actually comfortable with the situation. So we've gotten that far and then we've also like started to try to look on like absence

that but we haven't really had a lot of success. I'm just getting a feel for what's out there, I guess. Okay, so we can, so first off, that's great, because I would say this is something that you want to go slow with a partner. You want to do, talk about it, what would it look like? Is the third, who is the third, you know, what's the gender, what's the, what's off limits? You have to set boundaries and stuff. And so, and then finding a third, yeah, I mean, it would say that you guys are pretty, you know, you're moving along in a nice pace,

we don't have to rush, what do you guys think about finding a third? There are some great websites out there and our apps. What do you think Ann and Sarah, how would you, what do you say, how do we help Hannah here, in Indiana? And she's like, I think I might start with building

on the sexy talk and dirty talk aspect of it. Like start really figuring out what is the root of that fantasy and what do you want to get out of it. And maybe try a little bit of role play between the two of you to explore like who do you want to be in your threesome? Who do you want to be as a couple? Do you want to be really different than you are in your threesome? Who do you want to be as a couple? Do you want to be really different than you are in your day-to-day life? Because you can easily start incorporating that into your play and that will help you build

a little bit of confidence when it comes to playing with another partner if you really are clear. This is what we want to get out of it. This is what we're interested in exploring, whether it's like actually the sex or it's more the dynamic between the two of you or the curiosity around the new person. I definitely would encourage you to take the dirty talk one next level and start exploring some of those dynamics as you're searching for the new partner or partners.

Okay. Yeah, I would say you still got a little bit of time you guys can play with this idea. Make sure that it is. It is right. Yeah. Yeah, and we're definitely not in a rush. It's just something that we've really recently was in the last year started talking about more seriously. Okay.

And I know it's a very common fantasy, too. It is. I'd say it's the most common. And women, too too though, really. I think that men talk about it more, but if you really drill down a lot of women have this fantasy as well. And then just let me say this about having a kid.

I think that, you know, well, in our, you know, professions here, we, I celebrate that. I love, you know, that your parents and that you're also realizing how important it is to stay sexually healthy and to communicate. And I think that you get a babysitter for the night. Your parents won't come watch the ones of the kids. I don't look down on this at all.

I think it's actually your setting yourself up for success in the sex department. I probably feel better, because you never know. Yeah, no, I'm here for you, Hannah. So see how that goes. Kind of played with the dirty top the next few weeks. You call me back. I'll be here.

And I'm so glad you found the podcast and thanks for calling into the show. I appreciate it. All right, Hannah, have a great night. Thank you so much for calling. Kareen 22 in DC. Has a question. Hi, Kareen.

What's going on? How can I help you? Hey Emily, hi. I'm glad you have a little PC problem that's got a big. Talk to the guy for a couple of months and you know, we decided to do the deal and he's not really good at the giving head situation. I don't know how to like, I felt like I tried to direct him. I don't feel like he was still picking it up. I just, I wonder how I could better probably teach him.

Great question. Because this is important. Well, here's the thing. Corrine, here's the thing. He, he, he, your age as well, is he 22? He is 22. I can say one, so. Okay, yeah.

Does he want to please you? Like, do you think he wants to get good at it? Is he trying? Yeah, he is trying Okay, so that's good because there's some guys who are like nope. I'm not into it. It's not my thing So we know he wants to try have you had good oral sex before I haven't had a lot of it now I was gonna tell you that most listen and I don't want this to be an unpopular I don't often a lot of it. Right, I was gonna tell you that most, listen, and I don't want this to be an unpopular,

I don't often just say things like this, but when you're 22, 21, he haven't had as much experience. It's a skill, it's a skill. And it takes different women and different experiences to kind of know what you're doing, and I don't think I had great oral ties like in my 30s. So like, I'm just telling you that most people don't know. Every woman's body is a little bit different

But do you have orgasms on your own? Master do masturbate I do okay, so you know what feel like That's okay. You don't have to use toys, but do you have an orgasm? Have you? I do, yeah. Oh, good. Amazing. So, do you like touch your clitoris? Do you rub your stuff? Do you know what you do when you're touching yourself? Probably just a finger inside. Okay. Awesome. That's a good step. That's a good start. So, the first thing that's important is just to go slow, because I feel like a great overall oral sex tip

if you're going down on a Volvo would be to get a comfortable position and then just start to tease and like lick around the clitoris, you know, maybe like tease your thighs and sort of get not go right for the clitoris and start like, you know, munching away at it and aggressively that I think for many women it's a lighter touch and it's a build up and it's slow and it's sort of like making out with your mouth

but they're sort of making out with your vulva, external part of your vagina. You could even show him what you do when you masturbate, like how you touch yourself to bring yourself to orgasm. A hot thing to do is to have him watch, like you do it. So you could also do mutual masturbation where you're both masturbating and getting yourselves off. And then it's really hot to watch each other. And then also you are learning, kind of he's learning by watching you, what you like. And so, oh my god, I feel like I did that. Yeah. So that's a, that's a great thing to do, you know? And I think that it's experimenting

and actually asking him to and saying, is it okay if I give you direction, like when you're doing it and you guys could sort of learn together. Mmm, okay, okay Emily, we have a little bit of sex battle. All right, Greene, and now so if you go to sexathomewe.com,

we've got a lot of great tips there for you, but I would just start with some of those. And just be patient with them. I love that he wants to try. Right, no, thank you so much Emily. Oh my God, you're so welcome. Let me know it goes up, me here every night, okay? So if you need anything, I got you.

Oral sex is an important skill that we all need to cultivate, I believe. All right. Thanks, Karin. Great call. I think that's something that you want to get good at. You want to get good at paying it. And the thing is that you just want to get a badge of honor that you're the best at oral.

It's different with every partner. Like, would I just mention, it's experimenting with different bodies. And so then when you're with someone new, you kind of know to pay attention to the way that, you know, they react when you touch them in different places, you can look at their face, you can kind of tell when they're getting aroused and turned on, but you have to learn that by doing.

Let's talk to Carly, 20 in California. Hi, Carly, thanks for calling. Hi, how are you? I'm great. I'm calling because me and my ex-boyfriend have kind of been in the process of getting back together, but we live this long distance. So we've kind of just been trying to figure out how that looks like. And just recently this week, we decided that it would be best if we did an open relationship. And this is after we had

both actually been physical with other people that we can before. So we kind of just thought, this is probably the best for us. And so that's kind of just hoping to get someone biased on how is the best way to go forward with an open relationship. It's my first time ever doing anything like this. And kind of like how much weight should I be putting on

a stuff I'm doing with other people who aren't my boyfriend? Well, yeah, Carly, it's a great question. How long have you guys been together? Um, we dated for probably on and off like a year, um, total, and then we broke up beginning of the summer and have been talking and kind of, um, seeing each other more often since like August or September. Okay. And then how long distance he's moving out of town, or you're moving? He's not, yeah, we're about six hours apart.

Okay. So here's a thing about open relationships. It takes a lot of communication and a lot of boundary setting. And most couples learn on the job sometimes, like, oh, well, that made me jealous. I didn't want to hear about this hookup or that hookup. So you have to learn, if you're really great communicators. So your question is, how much should you emphasize

the other person? I mean, I think, how much time should you give another person if he's your primary partner? That's what we call. Yeah, how much of my emotional time and stuff like that too, should I be putting on other things I'm doing with other people? Well, I think it's a case by case basis, but I think I don't know how long you guys gonna be living in separate cities for, like, do you know that eventually you'll be in the same place again?

It's kind of indefinite because I'm still in school and he's kind. So it's kind of an indefinite situation on whether or whatever be living in the same city. So, Carly, what is it about an open relationship that's appealing to you? Because my thing is like you're 20, you're in college, like that's such a good time to explore and be with other people without having to put strict boundaries on it. Like, oh, I can't go to, because it's hard sometimes, Carly, to say,

like you may meet someone and sleep with them a few times, you're like, oh, wow, I'm catching feelings. Like, I kind of feel that this could be something, but then you gotta restrain it, because it's guys, because at your age, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's harder to maintain these kind of feel that this could be something. But then you got to restrain it because it's guys, because at your age, you know what I mean? Like it's just, it's harder to maintain these kind of relationships, I think.

And maybe not always worth it because, I mean, are you looking to get married and settle down have kids in the next year? No. Okay. Definitely not. So I get the feeling of, again, I'm just going to be on it.

Yeah, like I feel like you can get the feeling of, he's the one, he's the one I'm going to miss him. And we have, I've never felt this before and it feels great we want to keep it open and I just I don't know I just think there's something up in your age and your in college and your meeting people and like we change so much in our 20s that I would say this is a good opportunity for you to experiment be with other people and maybe it's not open as much as it is just when he comes to town, you see each other. But then you spend all your time on the phone,

you're face timing all day, you're texting back and forth, and then you're not getting to be present and be with your friends and meet other people. College is a precious time for that. That's true. Yeah, you're right. So that's what I think. Like, if you were my niece or something which you could be, I'd be like, that's what I would. Like if you were my niece or something, what you could be, I'd be like, that's what I would tell you. I would be like, and I would tell myself, I had a long distance relationship my freshman year of college.

And I still go back on that, and I don't have a lot of grits. Like I love the relationship he was great, but I remember being so preoccupied with like, every other weekend, I go to his college, he'd go to mine, and I thought I wish I just kind of stayed put, and really got to be with my people. And because it just, it doesn't last. Like if I could never be with someone, I was with one of put and really got to be with my people. Because it just doesn't last. Like if I could never be with someone I was with when I was 25, I'm a different person.

So, or 20. That's my advice for you, Carly. It's a lot of work being in a, unless it could be totally open and flexible, like without a label, like you're going to see them and they will, and he'll agree to like, well, let's just kind of be loose about this. You won't have strict rules around it. But if we see each other, it's meant to be and we feel good, we'll hook up. Yeah, just okay. That's my voice.

Okay, thank you so much. Of course, Carly, have a great night. Thanks for calling. You too. Yeah. Okay. Bye. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to this saxophamily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. Leave me if you get something out of it, they will too. We release shows on Tuesdays and Fridays, and look out for a bonus episode every now and then.

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