Sex With Emily - Sex w/ Comedians

Episode Date: September 25, 2021

Comedians are paid to be funny, but on today’s throwback show, four of my four guests are getting real about sex - while, of course, being hilarious. Dean McDermott talks chemistry, porn versus Fleshlights, and how he and wife Tori Spelling keep things sexy with five (five!) kids. Nicky Paris is trying to bring down his walls around intimacy, and avoid having his head pushed down for oral. I applaud both.Margaret Cho deems herself a lifelong submissive, and talks about the contours of sexuality and BDSM, all while being bisexual and radically open to different ages. Finally, Adam Ferrara joins me to discuss negative self-talk, effective tools he uses in his marriage, and helps me answer your calls on everything from sexual compatibility to bedroom communication. Come for the laughs, stay for the sex.For more information about Dean McDermott, visit: Instagram TwitterFor more information about Nicky Paris, visit: Facebook Instagram TwitterFor more information about Margaret Cho, visit: Website Facebook Instagram TwitterFor more information about Adam Ferrara, click below: Website Facebook Instagram Twitter For even more sex advice, tips, and tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This is the first time I've been single in the age of apps, which is very trippy. Okay, let's tell you how is that going. It's going well, good, but I set my age range to high. I go out with people from 23 to 71. And so I have to go out on like seven days a day to try to keep the backlog. Like my arm hurts from swiping. Like there's a lot. That's a lot, but we should keep it.

And we should keep it. You're options way open. You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Commitions are paid to be funny, but on today's Throwback Mashup Show, it's a compilation of four guests getting real about sex. Commetians are paid to be funny, but on today's Thurback Mashup show, it's a compilation of four guests getting real about sex. Well, of course, being hilarious.

Dean McDermott talks chemistry, porn versus fleshlites, and how he and his wife Tori spelling keep things sexy with five, yep, five kids. Nikki Parris is trying to bring down his walls of intimacy and avoid having his head pushed down for oral, which I applaud both of those things. Margaret Cho deems herself a lifelong submissive and talks about the contours of sexuality and BDSM all while being bisexual and radically open to different ages. Finally, Adam Ferrer joins me to discuss negative self-talk, effective tools he uses in his marriage, and helps me answer your calls on everything from sexual compatibility to bedroom communication.

Listen for the laughs, and stay for the sex. Intentions with Emily. For each episode, join me in setting an intention for the show. I do it when I'm recording, and I encourage you to do the same. So what do you want to get out of the episode? My intention is for you to hear from my guests how they're working through their own anxieties and insecurities so they can have healthier sexual relationships, which is just what I want for you. I'll remember to rate and review the Sex with Emily podcasts wherever you're listening. This helps other people find the show so we can help more people on the planet prioritize their pleasure.

I also have a new article at sexwithemily.com. 10 Autumn Sex Ideas You'll Totally Fall For. Get it? Fall For. If you wanna ask me a question, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex or 559-825-5739. Leave me your questions or message me, sexwithemily.com slash ask Emily.

All right, everyone, enjoy this episode. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT Nikki Paris was named McComick to watch by the Huffington Post. He's an Italian-American stand-up comedian whose career began in New York City at the age of 17, where he quickly became a fixture in the big Apple's Comedy Circuit. Follow Nikki Paris on Instagram at Nikki Paris Bitch. Dean McDermott is a Canadian actor best known as a reality television personality with his wife actress Tori Spelling. And as a host of the cooking competition, chopped Canada, followed Dean on Instagram and Twitter at I am Dean McDermott.

Dean McDermott and Nikki Perris, I've been doing the show a long time. I have been able all the time. And when they call me and they're like, I've got this, I've got that problem. We never have sex, my husband, I don't connect and then they're like, we have five kids. I'm like, oh my God, well, that's almost like a religion.

Like if you five kids, how do you have time for it? And then you're also having amazing sex too. How do you do that? What's the secret? It was always there. It was always there. You know, like we, when we met, it was on. Like we just,

The second you met, you had that spark flying. When we met, we met in Ottawa. We're doing film together. I flew to Ottawa and I met her in the director's office and we were together from that day on. Wow. Like it was just intense and it's just, that intensity has always been there

through thick and thin. Kids and no kids. And I just think, I think it's the exception, not the rule. Yeah, it is the exception. And for people who don't have that, who have kids, you gotta work on it. So explain to me what that looks like to you,

that work though. Work on it. That work, that working on it means time for your partner and sexuality and attractiveness to your partner is not gonna find you. It doesn't just show up again. It doesn't just show up again. And all of a sudden you're like,

oh wow, I have all this sexual tension for you. You know, you've gotta make time for it, you gotta work on it. We're lucky that it's just there all the time. But all the time, like, Tori, if she was here, she'd be like, yeah, every day, I would have, even when I have three kids, I'm holding it, hanging off on me, I want it.

Yeah. Yeah, but it's just like, I want it. It's like, no, I want him. Right, me. But even when she's tired, I'm throwing her time, so where she's tired, or she's not, no? Both of us are like that too. Like I'm tired. She's tired. And it's like, it's just there. Like we're blessed. We have it all the time. It's

there. Yeah. That's it. But I encourage people to make time for it, for intimacy, for attraction, for date nights. Like you have to put some time in it. They're so easy to just and say like a non-negotiable interrelations of Wednesday nights or date night, or Saturday night and you get a babysitter and then you plan that time. And I mean sometimes you could be an afternoon, like you meet for lunch.

And you go for like, we used to go for like these sushi lunches and it was fantastic. Like you just get some sake and get some lunch here. And have some sushi and just reconnect with each other. Yeah, keep doing things you love to do when you were dating too. Yeah, and then when you get back together and it's bedtime, you're like,. Yeah, and then when you get back together

and it's bedtime, you're like, hey, remember that lunch? Let's pick it back up and then boom, there you go. That's how you, I always say four play starts after the last orgasm. That's what I'm talking about. Like keep that attraction going throughout the relationship.

Okay, so we nicky. So here you are in a podcast with Dean, who's having killer sex, he's married, he's got five kids, and you have not been in a relationship. Well, I'm masturbating to their sexual chemistry. I am too. We send in the videos. We all are. We all are now going to masturbate to their sex. But what's so sweet? You haven't had a relationship yet. I feel like you might have I might be able to help you. Please, please, please,

help me. It's one here. I'm very picky. Okay. He's very Catholic. Oh, okay. And he's a germaphobe. And I'm a germaphobe, so I have the Catholic guilt. So whenever I do something, kinky, I have to like, prayer on the rosary beats. And then like, repent on it. Right. Okay, so you think that it's your Catholicism that's keeping you from?

I'm kind of like a germophobic, but like, I really do want to get out there and be with somebody. I've been single for like 26 years. I mean, that's a long time. When was your relationship? I did tell. When I was 17. And it was only like a month.

But I have like an emotional wall up and I work like 25 jobs. But you know, I used to only be into people who looked like me, but I mature and moved past that. And I'm kind of dating somebody now, but he's a head pusher. Oh, like wait a minute. Okay, wait. I heard the gas. She's been there.

One of the ones that's going to be going to try me too. I know you're talking. like wait a minute, okay, wait. These girls know I heard the gas. She's been there. Right? One of the ones that one of the girls is trying to, I know you're talking. No, he's like, you're sitting there with him in the office and he's like, hey, he's got an erection. He's like, oh, push his head down. And let me tell you, I do. That's offensive.

You're like, I saw you had a penis. I knew what to do with it. If I wanted the slug that I would have. Right. And can I be a little vulgar? Don't ever push somebody's head because I've thrown up on somebody's dick. Yeah, I've thrown up a whole piece of panay.

Oh, a whole piece of that. You have to chew your food better, Nikki. That's why you have tummy issues. And I was upset because that night I ordered tortellini. So I was very confused as to what I, don't, if you're listening, don't push heads, don't. Don't push heads. Yeah, Sam Kinnison was a believer in that.

Right, don't do that. Yeah, don't do that. So, nothing? you're trying to unblock are you in therapy? Sharan can you can you I think that here's a thing I give I I don't blame the head pusher. I blame Society so I could say that if a head pusher would be open to taking feedback I think if someone has pushed your head or co-ursune to anything that you don't wanna do, it's actually not like co-, but not in like an aggro, but they're like,

hey, doing things in the relationship, you know what? That doesn't feel great to me. I definitely like going down in you, but I'm gonna choose when I wanna do it. I find that aggressive. Just give them feedback. Can I be honest with you, I'm really into looks,

which is a problem, but that's really the most important thing to me. I think it's just some 26 and a shallow. I need to mature a little bit. But right now, the people that find me attractive are missing three teeth. Are you sure? Yes. I find that hard to believe. I believe that you have. I think you're just trying to be funny, right? I think no. I think I have a strong personality and it scares people.

No, no, no, listen, since you've been in here like seven minutes, you have told me five, six, seven, since you've been in here, like seven minutes, you have told me five, six, seven reasons why you're not dating right now. You're a germaphob, you're Catholicism, they're head pushers, they have to look like you've all these really stringent things lined up, they have to meet all these things. And that's why you're never going to find someone and that's because you have a wall. And if you have all these rules about it, you'll never have to find love. Okay, what can you do? Well, you started today. Have a three-summitorian Dean.

Yes, take a number, dude. Listen. Listen, I know we can all joke about being blocked and shut down. I've been chipping away at my heart my entire life, to open it up. The core is on. So the third part, what do you say?

The core is on. Yeah, exactly. For your Spanish listeners. We all do it. So I'm just saying, if you really want to find part, what do you say? The core is on. Yeah, exactly. For your Spanish listeners. We all do it. So I'm just saying, if you really want to find love, or if you're looking for... When I look at finger nails, I look to see make sure the fingernails are clipped,

you know, little things like that. I'm like, uh-oh. Yeah, so how's that going for you? Not well. Right, exactly. So you guys sort in this out on your podcast a little bit? Yeah, trying to. Yeah, we all take a might all and just cry.

Right, thank you. But yeah, so you really, but you have time to find something. You look at you craving sex right now, have you ever had sex? Yeah, we all take a might all and just cry. Yeah, but yeah, so you really, but you have time to find some, you look at you craving sex right now, have you ever had sex? Yeah, of course. There's a bear shitting the woods. I don't know. I think you're having sex frequently. Not, it's been about, I have sex about one to twice a year.

Oh, oh, Nicky. I went to it frequently. Nicky, baby. Do you think the podcast will help you out? No, no, we've been, we've been putting it out there. We've had no calls. No calls whatsoever. You could donate to my love life at GoFundMe.

Daddy, excuse me. Please, somebody calling on this show for Nicky, please. Okay, so why Daddy, excuse me for your podcast name? But what's your name? Well, I'm a Daddy of six. Yes, you are. Adam is a new Daddy, and Nicky still needs his daddy. Oh, he's trying to fight.

So we have a different perspective. I'm the sage, you know, and Adams, the new daddy who needs help and Nikki is just, I don't know how to change a tie or he's a fabulous gay man. Yeah, exactly. I just found that I do like my taxes. I just found that with a mortgage worth like six months ago.

He's a choice for the households. Yeah. So they're like my older brothers. That's good. And I can't wait. I've got us each and our own way. Well, yeah, that's why they're here. That's why we have parents. Our parents are here.

We're here to work through our issues with our parents. Talk to me about your anal beads. Do you have anal beads? Do you like toys? We brought you some toys. It's why I didn't know what you had already. Oh, really? Oh, wait, just wait. You're going to leave with a really good weekend. Maybe are you going to try it out on him? They tell you that it's sex with Emily.

No, they told me that, but I didn't know we're getting. Yeah, wow. Getting toys. What a day for toys. We had Lisa Ann on our show today. Oh, I'm Lisa Ann did she give you her butt. She gave me her butt fleshlight. So I have her. She's a butt fleshlight now. Did you know that?

Yeah, it was very lovely. Uh-huh. And I'm a big fan of the fleshlight by the way. Wow, do you use it with Tori? Yes, a couple times. I don't use it a lot because our sex life is killer, but the art time. No, it doesn't mean it's in because our sex life is killer, but no, it doesn't mean it's in the end.

No, no, no, no, I'm just saying to clarify. And she clarifies. It's really, it's hot when she uses it on me. Yeah. But I'm just a big fan of it. And we touched based on it today. It's like, look, if a fleshlight or a real doll are going to help you fulfill your sexual fantasies and stuff,

you're not going to go out and do weird shit. Yeah. You know, I think if you're not gonna go out and do weird shit. Yeah. You know, like I just think. I think if you're more satisfied in your relationship sexually and toys can do that, because people get bored with the same partner, the same thing over and over again. But even if you can't get a date,

if you're that happen to be that person, like I just think if you have this outlet, I think suppressing your sexuality breeds weirdness. Yeah. Your sexual desire. Your sexual desire. So I just think if you have an outstain If you have an outlet like a flashlight or a real thought like I think that helps curb it

Yeah, you're not gonna do weird stuff with it Right, and I love that you play with it with with with Tori because like let's say Which is what I love about things like masturbation sleeves for men is like sometimes you don't want to give a blowjob or hand up You can even sit there on your phone with one hand It should be like jacking you off with the flashlight, but everyone's getting happy, everyone's getting nice, but it's a win win. It's a win win. And I need to sweat on you.

I'm just a question on sex with Emily. Yeah, it's a good. It's your dick is big as I think it is because you're like seven feet tall. That's a question. That was my next question. Thank you, Nikki. You could be my co-host. Oh my god, I would love that.

Let me know why. Can I get a fuzzy chair? No. Fine. Whatever you want. I'll sit in the corner. No, I get a fuzzy chair? No. Fine. Whatever you want. I'll sit in the corner. No, I'm hung like a light switch. God is a cosmic Joker.

Because when Tory was on her show, she had a limp. So I've just been watching it. Since that day. She's happy with this beauty. Yes, she's happy with it. She's happy with it. I can't do porn, put it that way. Okay.

Like I wouldn't be a candidate for porn But I've had zero complaints and then hundred some Franklin loved his dick Abraham could just not get enough of it. Okay, you guys I got to ask you the five questions I ask all of our guests ready and they're rapid fire. Okay, there are quick keys ready Biggest turn on Nikki Paris face Biggest turn on Dean McDermott. Oh, vagina's.

Biggest turn off Nikki. Not being cleanly. Okay. And what makes good sex? When it's on my terms. Good action. Something you would tell your younger self about sex. Do some more setups. Dean. Stop worrying. Okay, number one sex tip. Uh, make

sure there's towels and his annex clothes. Number one sex. Oh, go down on your woman like the cure for the disease you have is in it. Oh, yeah, baby. Dean, I love you. That's amazing. Nikki love you too. You guys check out their podcast, Daddy Issues, that Daddy Issues show. Deem McDermott on Instagram and Twitter. This is all gonna be on our show now.

It's Nikki, Paris Bitch on Instagram and Twitter. Okay, we're gonna hear from our sponsors, but when we come back, I'm talking to the hilarious Margaret show about her experience practicing BDSM. BDSM stands for Bondage Discipline, Dominance and Submission, Sadism and Massacism. The whole language described consensual power exchange. If you're curious about BDSM, check out our blog on our website, BDSM, a Beginner's Guide

to Kink. Be right back. Margaret Cho is an American actress musician, stand-up comedian, fashion designer and author. Cho is best known for her stand-up routines through which she critiques social and political problems, especially regarding race and sexuality. Find Margaret on Instagram at Margaret underscore show and Twitter Margaret show. Hey. Hi Margaret.

I'm so excited to have you here. Yeah. You are here to talk about your, go look on on. Your podcast, The Margaret Show. Yeah. And you were here one day in your dog ran out. You're cute little dogs right here. And we met and I was like, oh, that's Margaret Cho.

And it was so sweet because I actually have been a fan of yours for years. I lived in San Francisco from in the early 90s to about five years ago. And so I went to the Castro and saw screenings of your films. And I've just been a fan forever. And so I'm so thrilled to have you here. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Yes. You're truly a pioneer. Oh, that's awesome. I feel it. I feel like it. Yeah, I was like, oh, Margaret, oh yes, I'm excited to see you. So tell me about your show. Being Korean is really trendy.

So just kind of talking about that and talking about how familiar all of the sort of thing feels of seeing parasite and seeing all the stuff going on around it. It's very exciting. So some stuff about that, I'll do a little music on Thursday. I'm writing songs again, which is really great. And that's Largo. I'll do Largo at Thursday, which I have a monthly there, which is so fun. And lots of stuff about sexuality and lots of stuff of being, you know, 51 and being sexual and kind of trying to figure that out. Like this is the first time I've been single in the age of apps, which is very trippy.

Okay, let's tell you how is that going? It's going good, but I set my age range to high. I go out with people from 23 to 71. And so I have to go out in like seven days a day to try to keep the backlog. Like my arm hurts from swiping. Like there's a lot. That's a lot, but it needs to be-

Keeping your options way open. It's like super open. I mean, there's something to learn from everybody. And also like I am bisexual. So I love men and women. And there's a lot there too. It takes a lot for me to want to be sexual with somebody though. So it takes like quite a lot of like discussion and negotiation, and I don't mind that, but some of the younger people do.

They don't want to talk. Now, I think my idea is that I'd like to remain single for the rest of my life because I've been in relationship enough. I don't want to define as having a partner, but there's gotta be ways of companionship that are meaningful. And I think, like, and now everybody's so invested in they all just want to smash.

Yeah. And they want pictures. And I'm like, I know. I don't know the pictures. I'm like, I'm not saying the pictures. Yeah, it's hard to say pictures because, I mean, they don't want the dick pics. I mean, dick set are a thing and pussy is a place.

So it's really hard to photograph because first you have to do landscape mode. And then it's like, hard to light. Like, it's like so many things. Like, and it's just, I'm not down with taking photos. It takes too long. Yeah. You have to exactly, but I guess what people do today is they already have their arsenal of photos. So if someone asks for a photo, you just send it. And you have it ready to go. But what I've also learned is you can check the date steps, you take a screenshot of it,

so they assume you're just sending it. I've learned that from people on my team. So, I mean, if you choose to send photos, but I think you just send what makes you, if you want to, whatever makes you feel sexy. Yeah, it's like, when you, it's just sending like, disembodied genitalia, it's like, what is going on?

I don't want to see a dick in the wild. Like, I don't know this dick. I know, I want to be, I want to know that I, we have an attraction, we have like a mental capacity where we're like into each other. But how do you know then when you're attracted to someone, like, what is it? Like, if you are dating online,

is there like a certain things they can say in the message or when you first meet them, do you know? I guess it depends. Usually I like to have some extended conversation before we even meet. You can't really see that much in a photograph. I'm also attracted to a wide variety of looks. So age is never really going to be an issue.

Looks are not going to be an issue. It's really about how we communicate and sort of like what's there to say and like what's there to say between each other and like is that sexy. And then there's ways to sort of like have a relationship like for me and being involved in VDSM. So there's relationships that I have that are pain only, that are not sexual. That are very close and intimate, but they don't cross a certain boundary. And that I appreciate too.

So that kind of leaves me open to be sexually intimate with people. And I think like the my sexual intimacy with people is that's really limited because it's like, okay, that's a rare connection that I'm not gonna have with a ton of people. And so I save that for something really special. But I think dating is really about finding out

who you like hanging out with. That's not always gonna include sex at the end. It's not always gonna include a restaurant or some movie or whatever. It can be just sitting and talking, which I think is the best. That is the best. Someone that you want to sit

and that you're having a good conversation with. So I did see you in the sex-explained episode, talking about BDSM. Are you, what part of it are you into? You dominant, submissive? I am a lifetime submissive, and I'm learning now to be more dominant. I have a higher education where I do a lot of like Shibari,

so I'm doing Japanese boat bondage, and I'm trying to learn how to be very good at that. But there's more to it than just knots. It's like a state of mind. Mm-hmm. And for me, that element of sort of being a dominant has been very challenging. So I'm trying to learn how to do that better,

but at the same time, I have a few relationships. The one woman in particular, she's a lot younger than me, so it's like super weird because when we're out everybody's like, is that your daughter? Right, that's fun. It's like you guys look exactly alike. Who's the mom? Who's the daughter? It's like the judge. And it's weird. It's weird. Oh. And it's weird. It's weird. Oh my God, right. And then I'm with another woman who's a little bit,

oh, she's my age, but she's definitely different. And so it's like unexpected that the universe is people have within. And you could take any package. So you don't really know exactly who they're going to be. So I like to really spend time and talk to the person. How do you, are these people that you've met on the apps? Um, met them through friends. The BDSM relationships that I had, I've, I've, I've had referrals through other lifetime

lifestyle BDSM players. Okay. Um, also I've met people through, um, events all through LA and San Francisco and New York and that kind of part of it has something to do with being around the lifestyle for my entire adult life. You have San Francisco especially. Yes, that was a good time. I didn't really get into all that until,

well, maybe I dabbled until I moved here, but it was such a great place to go up and be kinky. So much. I fell some street fare and all the things. Like we were definitely ahead of it. You're really thinking about the person. It's like being like, am I attracted to this human or it's sapiosexual? Is it their brain that turns me on?

Yeah. But it sounds like you have a lot of different people in your life now to fill all the different spaces. Yeah, it's weird though, because gender seems to recess a little bit because I can see sort of the elements that create a person that don't really like even include gender, you know, that are sort of like more about what's in your heart and even how that

presents, if that presents more masculine and more feminine. And it is sort of that old sort of thing of like, I'm a tractor to the person, but that's not exactly it either because there's so much about gender that informs our personalities and our nature. So it's more that I seek something very special that is hard to define that doesn't necessarily have to do with how we identify as a gender. Yeah, no, I understand that. It is more about energy. So right now you're with two women. Do you feel like you are, like as you've gotten,

like you've gone through a lot sexually, that you're able to ask for what you want? Yes, yes. Right away. Like do you even lay it out right away? Well, no, I kind of let it sort of slowly build. Well, with the BDSM relationships, it's very simple because you have to negotiate that.

You have to talk about it and like really get very detailed, which I appreciate. And it's sexy too. It is. Which I love. And it's sexy too, which I love. And then the heterosexual relationship that I have, it is definitely like a plan of discovery and just talking. And it's really, I think it's really fun. Like it's really, to me, that discovery

is just as sexy as a sex itself. So, you know, everything about this is love-making. It's not that you have to like, to like this, I like that. It's like, well, the explanation of the things that you enjoy, say a lot about you. And I think that to be able to share that is incredibly erotic, but also really intimate and really beautiful. And when you can be that vulnerable, you become very strong.

I think there is a part of me that is asexual in certain ways. Asexual. Okay. That I do have sort of an asexual, aromantic side that comes out sometimes in BDSM. Oh, interesting. So you're feeling like,

so you're not walking around thinking about sex or craving sex and you never have really. Well, I do, but it's never in the BDSM context. So and it's like, you know, definitely I'm sexual within like a sexual relationship, but if it's a relationship that's pain only, it's compartmentalized in a different way. Yeah. So it's not for a sort of romantic purpose. It has a different kind of a feeling.

Are you, that makes sense. Are you ever in a relationship, though, where it's just kind of like, do you get off on just regular sex? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. For sure. All of it. And that's a different aspect to what I desire. I think that that's definitely where it can get much more emotional. What's hard for me is to disassociate sex from my emotional life. And that's why it takes a long time for me to wanna have sex with somebody. So I wanna talk to them about it and like really get to know them. And also feel like some sense of we're in this together,

you know, and that we're not just in smash and you're gonna go to me. But don't you feel like you gotta teach them that such as if you're dating people 23 to whatever, but especially 20s, 30s, even 40s, people, most people are not even, this is why I have a show, they're calling it every night, they've never talked about it.

So you're talking to them saying, let's talk about sex as the lead with sex, must be like, shocking. Yeah. Why should we have bad sex? Right. I've been there. I've been there.

And I don't wanna be in like a sexless marriage again. I don't wanna be. Was that where you were married? Yeah. Okay. And it's like really sad because you can really, you can really breathe discontent very quickly in what's supposed to be intimacy, what's supposed to be the ultimate.

For me in my 50s is about getting real quiet and find it out like exactly what I want and making my life that. Yes, exactly. How, so what has been your process for that, figuring out what you want? If I find something sexy, I want to know why. So I could get into something about feet.

Like somebody like touches my feet, it's really sexy and I realize it's because of like my instep and the sort of like connection that it has with the rest of my leg and then in between my legs. So it's like, if you kind of look at the clitoris and you sort of say, where does the clitoris start? I think mine starts actually at the sole of my foot. Yeah, it might, reflexology, there's so many nerve endings

that there's so many points that makes sense. So I want to discover what that is and so why is it sexy when somebody is like putting a shoe on and then it's like maybe it's like that Cinderella thing where it's like the shoe fits and then maybe it's kind of a foot fetishism thing where it's like, if you are on my foot, then maybe it's like you're it's like that Cinderella thing where it's like the shoe fits. And then maybe it's kind of a foot fetishism thing where it's like, if you are on my foot, then maybe it's like, you're kind of come all the way up.

So maybe the like, my lid is on my foot. But there's try to, like this princess care, like it's like, I'm gonna worship you, I'm going to take care of you, I'm going to elevate you above others. So there's a kind of thing that happens like when, when you can pinpoint, like, well, what is that that I like? and then maybe bring that into a discussion with somebody you're having sex with. That's good.

So you're saying like someone touched your foot and you're like, let's just go back to that and be like, well, it was a light touch. And this is why because that would make sense too, because every part of the foot, you know, there's so many different places that it, you know, corresponds to on our body. Yeah. Right. Okay. So, you then you have to find partners who are down. Yeah. It's like discussing, going on that journey with you.

Yeah, but it makes their sex life better. Like, it makes it better for both of you. It's like, when we can really examine our sexuality and understand it and really harness it. And let's do the things that we like together. And I'll take the things that you like together and I'll take the things that you like and I'll run with them and you do that same with me. It's a beautiful exchange and then you discover more about each other. It's great. And then you might find things that you like from them to like you're like, oh, I didn't

think I would like that. And then I know because you're open, but I think finding those people can be can be challenging. So I love that that's that that's what you're that you're open. That's just as great for people to hear too that it's okay if you're differing from your partner, you can find a way to to make it work. We can come together I mean, there's like so many lies told us by porn that it has to be in a course and it has to be like Mutual orgasms, which is like not real to me right coming together literally. Yeah It's weird having It's weird. Having a body is funny and dumb and fallible and embarrassing. And so there's a lot of like ridiculousness that comes out of that.

But the truth of the body is great. And the truth of what makes us feel sexual is also really important because it's the cartography of what the map of our sexuality is. It's like making that map. Let's make the map and see what it looks like. Yeah. I feel you, okay, Mark and Cho,

thank you for being here. I gotta give you the five questions that we ask all of our guests. Yes. Okay. Your biggest turn on. I love awareness. Biggest turn off.

Mm, a cheap tip, it's bad tipping. What cheap tip, bad tipping. What makes good sex? Communication. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. It's all gonna be okay. Number one, sex tip. Ooh, just chalk.

Okay, I love it. Okay, thank you, Margaret Cho. We will confide in you at Margaret Under Swarcho. On Instagram, we have all of this in the show notes as well. It's sexzelmy.com. Thank you. Thank you for being here. Thank you.

After the break, I talk to comedian Adam Ferrara, who shares his experience with anxiety and helps me answer a listener's question about attraction. All this summer, when we come back. Adam Ferrara is an American actor and comedian known for playing the role of Chief Needles Nelson on the FX series Rescue Me. He was a co-host of the US version of Top Gear and played NYPD Sergeant Frake Farale on Showtime series Nurse Jackie. You can find Adam on Instagram and Twitter at Adam Fara or an Adam Ferra podcast, 30 minutes, you'll never get back.

Emily Morris, of course, is one of my favorite episodes and I'm glad you had me back, sweetheart. Thank you. I love it. I love being on yours. We did a podcast swap. Thank God you're here helping people and people have this outlet. My issue is I beat myself up. I turn my frustration in on myself and you should do better.

And is there's that loop in my head? That's why you don't meditation. I'm too wound up for meditation. I don't think your modus should be, look what you did. Look what you did. Look what you did. So I'll tell you what. Tell me one of the things that I found

that really, really helped me was the phrase worry is not responsibility. That got crossed up in my head because my dad was my hero. He was the one that took care of the family and you wanted to emulate the man of the family. And my father was worried about feeding everybody who left these guys. They had lights on.

I mean, it was the whole, it was everything. You'd never let anyone outside this house know we talk about in here. I'm like, pop, the windows are open and you scream. They can hear you. It was always worrying about feeding everybody and taking care of everything and make sure everybody was protected.

It was the projection of my parents' fears on their children was part of it, but the rest was just that, you know, it can be a cruel world and you got to look out for yourself. So I got the message that worry was responsibility because I was emulating the behavior from my dad. So when I learned worry is not responsibility, it freed up the fact that I don't have to be this anxious. You don't have to worry. I don't have to worry that much to be a good man at a house.

So that helped me a great deal. Worry is not responsive to the ability. What do you want? That's a really good one. I have a different thing. Okay, so much like you, Adam, I have the negative self-talk as well. But it's like mine says, it's so funny you're saying this because I went through this this morning.

I'll take my therapy notes that are right in front because you're never done. I worry about I'm not doing enough, that I'm not good enough, that I'm not enough. So the opposite of that is like, I am enough. That would be like the affirmation when you try to flip it, but I do this EMDR therapy about that. So it's like, I'm not doing enough, I'm not good enough. I won't be able to do this and it's constant in my head

that I am constantly, I fuck something up. a big one is I'm not gonna follow through. And you know, here's something I can say to my whole team here because this is a big thing about work. I worry that I'm, because I'm ADD like you are. And I have been challenging it for a long time in getting stuff done and follow through in details. Like I love, like you said before, that I'm good at my job, I love helping people,

but can I remember to put the keys back in the bowl? Can I do I have systems and organization? No. And then I feel I don't always file through with things and my team knows that. That's why I have an awesome team. But then I often feel like, oh, they just think I'm not doing enough. So then this is what I came over today. Do you mind if I process my therapy with you, Adam?

Please delete it out there. But it's okay that just because these things happen to me, I'm, oh God, I didn't mean to go here today. But I'm not a bad, like it doesn't make, it's not a bad thing. It's not like a, people know me, they expect me. I'm a good person. I have good intense. And they probably know, I believe, like, that's why my assistant gets a copy of everything. I'm not going to see it or read it. And it doesn't mean I'm a bad person. ADD isn't mean you're lazy or stupid or not successful or in fact, that's what makes me unique.

Let me ask you, when you get something done, you feel better about yourself? No, okay. The other thing is no, I don't opt for a moment and then I think of what else the 10 things I didn't do. Yeah, okay. So I think focusing on the one person not laughing. I think God, I can't see everyone's face on Zoom right now. Thank God, I can't see them because if they're not right, I would be worried.

So they're plotting against this. You don't trust me. They do. They do. They're like, what, what, what, but that's what I think about. But out of my love that you turn into to humor and all the things that you do, and I know it's not easy being a comedian and artist, but I think it's, I think you have to get intellectually, I know my anxiety comes from future thought of something that hasn't occurred yet. And my regret comes from depression and things I should have done. There was a bit on the album called anxiety and depression, where I'm running back and forth between those two energies. That's where that is.

To be present in that is to not worry about the future or regret the past. I'm right here right now. I'm here with Emily, a box is in what having a good time. Exactly. Do you know if this is why exactly I've got my yoga pants on still. When you are present, the stuff that you're wearing about in the future and the stuff in the past cannot exist in presence. So do you think that's why you like doing stand up?

Back to the only time I am fully present and you're a vessel is when it's coming through you. When I'm a live audience, no net, I'm improv and it's just coming through me. I'm not there. It's just whatever needs to come through me will come through me and you're a vessel to somebody else. And I have, most comics can have that spidey sense where they can read a room. You know, you can get more energy in the room.

You get it when you're talking to a guest. You're like, this is going nowhere. You know, you know, you're exactly the best. Yeah, he's got to go. Sorry, Adam. Thanks for being here. Oh, no, don't forget this bastard. I'm dying out of here.

That's exactly what it is, Adam. Thanks for being here. Oh, no, don't think this bastard. I'm dying out of here. That's exactly what it is, Adam. Okay, so it is true. So then the mic goes off and you're done with your show and then you're with your family or something happens and then you feel, how's it going at home? It's home is great because my wife understands my wife is best move ever made in this Matti world's Marianist woman. This is, she's I rang the bell and anyone listening, you're going to Google her and you're going to think to yourself, I rang the bell. And anyone listening, you're gonna Google her and you're gonna think to yourself,

this guy's batting over his head. You're absolutely right. So she understands me and she becomes the, the barometer of myself, I need to self-correct if she's not happy because I've done something. My job is to make her life better because I live better in service of,

I'm the life of a better in service of the queen. You know, you're like, okay, how do I make this life better? This is my job. It's not about me when I come home. It's about this family that I got to take care of. Here's the thing that works for us, Emily, is I know her crazy. She knows my crazy a lot better and I know her crazy and I know the way how we function is a unit.

But like I know, if I got to go to the airport, I got to tell her it's a half hour before and then I know she might make it on time. And if not, she's going to have to pee before we leave. So I'll be right there is at least 15 minutes. So you just got to learn how to communicate. We'll be right there. That's 15 minutes. Don't yell for another 15 minutes. Don't ask for another 15 minutes. And she's going to pee. That's the reason that there's a little, a little set T right by the front door. Because that's where I sit with the dog looking at it going. It's 15 minutes, don't be impatient. So she's got to know that, you know, so I know that about her and she knows that when I can't do, I can only do one thing at a time because of my ADD, so I'm flying all over the

place. So she knows if I'm on the phone talking to somebody, she can't ask me a question, she can't get my attention because I can't do it. I'll fizzle out and I'll short-circuit. Exactly. Adam, that's great. So you just had those communication skills built in, but you had to learn. I just had a lot of couples. No, I had to learn all that shit. You do have to learn it.

Even without therapy, but you guys were willing to work on it. I just feel like we hear so many couples calling who've been together 20 years and they still are having a lot of the same arguments they had early on. Is it hard to resist? I had to ask myself the question. I'm like, I was in a relationship a couple of reasons before that were at the same point when I was younger. That didn't work out.

But what really helped me with my wife was it was the difference between have to and want to. It was like, all the relationships are happy for my wife. I was like, I got to do this. I got to do this. I don't want to go and want to. It was like, all the relationships are happy for my wife. It was like, I got to do this. I got to do this. I don't want to go and do this. This is like, no, I want to do this.

I want to get rid of this because this is worth fighting for. This is what I want. I want to make this better. So when you're coming from want to, you got a lot more energy about you. Adam, this is good. I feel like I'm getting a second therapy. See, we all need it, right?

Even though I go this morning, Adam, this is great. We're going to take a call. We can help out Brianna 25 in California. Adam's in a successful marriage and I've got some years here to help. What's going on Brianna? How can we help you? I am kind of in a predicament here. I recently broke up with my boyfriend, got back together with him the next day because I felt like it was a wrong decision, but the reason why I did in the first place was because I as shallow as it sounds and it makes me so sad is that I'm just losing sexual attraction to him. I feel like our chemistry in the bedroom is just awesome. I've tried telling him like, hey, I want you to be more confident and

aggressive. And he's tried and blesses heart. I love that about him, but it's just like it's not happening. I've kind of have been messaging this guy and like, I don't see that guys like relationship material. I'm just getting that like sexual like teasing like satisfaction and I love my boyfriend so much And like that's why it's kind of like, oh, okay, like I decided to like stop doing that first of all, but like I want to like work on that part of our relationship because literally like everything is perfect about this guy except he's not like my typical type.

And the sex is just not there. I get it, Brianna, let me just tell you this. So you're 25 years old. You've been together two years. You said, this is what happens in a lot of relationship. Many, most relationships, but at the time you get to two years, there won't be as much of that passion and that excitement and that chemistry you had at the beginning of the relationship.

That's what happens. And so what couples, what I do is I help couples figure out, well, how do you talk about how do you communicate about sex? I bet he wants to be more. What did you say, more aggressive and more assertive? He doesn't know how. Like you guys are still, you know, you're 25 figuring it out. So I think that it's always attractive when you're dating someone that this would happen

to me. I date someone for two years and this is common. And then you meet someone else. And then they're really into you. And then they make you get that excitement, those butterflies at noon, is that you did not feel early on, you don't feel anymore with your boyfriend,

so you think, well, it must be this guy. So I gotta tell you, it's not probably about the other guy. So either you have two choices there, I would say you could go back to your boyfriend, which you did. And you could choose to say, you know what, I realize that we both

could work on this together. I don't mean to tell you that you need to just start initiating or doing different things because you have to learn it together. And then you could say, right, let's figure out together what feels good to both of us. Let's, you go to my website, we have something called Yes, no, maybe listen, it helps couples figure out

what you're both into sexually. It helps that conversation, a lot of couples listen to this show and you're learning too. Learning about yourself and your body. Like I want someone to like go down on me and like you know do some like finger action. He'll do the fingering but like he won't go down on me like just like the biggest. Well that's a bigger. Okay right? Like I'm like oh gosh and like he'll I even be like, it's a dreamer. But people are in the shower.

I have a question. Do you go down on him? Do you give him blow jobs? So I'm a giver. And I have stops giving him blow jobs and doing hand things one because he's never come. Like, when I give him blow jobs, and he says, because he gets too excited for

he wants the vagina and I'm like okay that's fine but like that person never happens to me like you know where guys never come when I'm giving him a blow job but like that so that kind of was disappointment but not only that but he's very selfish in the bedroom too and I told him I was like hey you're so bad, Jerome. And I need you to put me first. And he'll ask me, what do you like? And I'm like, well, I just like you to be confident and just do whatever you want to do.

Like throw me around, be aggressive. And whatever I don't like, I'll say no. But I just want you to dominate me basically. And he's just not giving me anything to work with. It's facts. It's facts. Like we can always work on that, but like, because everything else is perfect. I'm like, I don't want to throw away this great relationship when it's just this one thing.

Has it ever been good and deteriorated or has it never been? It's never really been good. I like that's it. So that's that's that's it. You're you're trying you're not trying to fix something. You're trying to create something. Yeah. If it wasn't there at the beginning, you're not going to get it back like because he hasn't probably doesn't know how maybe eventually her learn to be a great lover. But the fact that he has a germ thing and he won't go down into you like, but if he just won't do it to me, that's just a no-go zone. And now you're not giving him blood out.

First of all, the thing that you said, Brianna, that you should be commended for is I was doing this and I stopped because. So you have a vagina and a conscience. Good girl. So. But what if you put yourself into mindset and ask yourself the question, do I want to build this with him and are you willing to do this with me? That's the question.

If you rephrase the question, it's not like you got to get back to something. Wasn't there? Do you want to go forward and make this better? Here's what I need. Here's a way we can do it. I'm open to any other way you might have. And then you work on it again. Yeah, it's not a problem. It's something to be again. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a problem. It's something to be accomplished.

Yeah. Okay. It's an effort. Yeah. That is such a great way to put it. You could say, oh, yeah, let's do this together. Because you're both in it together. It's not up to you to figure it out.

Because they guarantee you both have a lot to learn. But he has to be a willing participant. I don't know how you sound very evolved. You've got conscious, like Adam said, and of a Dina. Do you, does he have the emotional maturity? Does he want to work on it with you? But I think you'll know sooner than later if you word it like that.

If he's like, I'm not interested or we shouldn't have to work on it, you know, then you'll know. Yeah. See if he's down and you guys could figure out. I see for first thing, and there's like, listen, I need to learn things about me. Will you help me?

Because he's going to, he doesn't want to know if he doesn't know. Yes. Right. Yeah, because you don't know either. Let's be honest, he doesn't want to know the other know. Yes. Right. Don't yeah, because you don't know either. Let's be honest, Brianna, you probably are still discovering your body what feels good to you at 25. Absolutely. That's why I like, I want to explore things. And like, you know, I think in the past couple years have started getting into Loub and like doing different things and

different positions and like even trying to master me on my own because I'm like, oh, I'm just not into myself that way. They're way I can get off. And to the state that's still like a work in progress, but I feel like it's getting better because I have no other choice right now because I'm not getting any satisfaction right now. But I think when you enroll the guy, you're like, look at this.

Let me show you what we can learn on our body. Let's do this together that maybe he'd be more down than saying like, you don't know this and you're, you know, you need to ask. Let me show you what we could learn on our body. Let's do this together that maybe he'd be more down than saying like, you don't know this. And you're, you know, you need to ask for directions here, you know, I don't think that men like to be told that necessarily. I don't even want to ask directions driving. You think I'm gonna ask directions, but it's at 25. Exactly, definitely.

You're so much. Yeah, that's how I feel about this. Of course. Well, Brianna, I've got a lot of podcasts about this. A lot of couples listen to my podcast together and they get inspired, turn it off. Go, are you certainly a set of yours? Should we try to have the conversation this way or try this

position? But I think this is a good first step. Try to have the conversation see if he's down in the call me back. Let me know. I'm here for you every night. Thank you so much. Of course, you're welcome, Brianna.

Thanks for calling. They can't be happy. I got to ask you, Adam, for our other five questions, we ask all of our guests. Yes. Our five quicky questions. Biggest turn on. The way my wife's hair smells. The biggest turn off. The way my feet smell. What makes good sex? Communication. I like it when there's a lot going on. Something you tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Don't be a dick. Don't be a dick. There's two people in this relationship. It ain't just

you. What's the number one thing you wish everyone knew about sex? It ain't dirty. It's only dirty if it's done correctly. I love it, Adam. My podcast is wherever you get your podcast, the Adam for our podcast and my album is called It's Scary and here and I want to thank Emily for having me on. They'll be off. Plug my shit and have some.

I love it. I love it. I have to come back on your podcast. Please do. I would love it. I have to come back on your podcast app. What you do? I would love it. That's it for today's episode.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to podcasts, and share this with a friend or a partner. Believe me, if you got something out of this episode, they will too. We release two to three episodes a week, find me at Instagram, YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. It's all at sex with Emily. If you'd like to ask me a question about sex or dating relationships, email

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