Sex With Emily - #SexGoals 2018

Episode Date: December 30, 2017

It’s the last show of 2017! On today’s show, Emily is joined by Deputy Jamie to reflect on the best and the worst sex of the year, and what lessons can be learned to make sure 2018 is full of the greatest sex yet. Emily and Jamie discuss what it really means to change sexually. From prioritizing intimacy to feeling the lasting emotional benefits from sexual afterglow, they cover everything you need to become a more attentive lover. Also, why watching lesbian porn is totally cool, and how to deliver just the right amount of kink. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. On today's show, Deputy Jamie and I reflect on the best of sex this past year and answer your questions. Topics include prioritizing your sex life for enhanced intimacy. While looking at lesbian porn doesn't mean you're a lesbian, how long this sexual afterglow actually lasts and why can make your relationship even stronger? And the right way to surprise your partner with just the kind of sexy kink they're looking for? All this and more, thanks for listening. and the right way to surprise your partner with just the kind of sexy kink they're looking for.

All this and more, thanks for listening. They provide, they call them in a bag on me. Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here. So, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com because it's a good time there.

All of our podcasts are there. We're always adding new blogs and all things sex relationship, intimacy dating. If you have a question about it, you've thought about it. I'm sure there is a blog about it on our website. And you should also follow us on social media because that is a good time. It's at sexual-demoly Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat, and Twitter. Check it all out. Happy holidays everyone. It's almost time. Hope you've all had a great holiday. It's almost the new year. I'm here with my deputy Jamie My deputy of Hypnes, coolness, sex, goddess, Jamie. I just like being a deputy. She just wants to be deputy. I do. She's everything

She does a lot here. Jamie's been here for Three years two tears feels like sex. I love Jamie's been in the show with me a bunch She's responsible for a lot of the amazing content you see everywhere. That's such a family. So, Jamie, thank you for all your hard work and efforts. She's blossomed before my eyes. She's been here for two years and she started a little intern. She was so cute.

Now she's grown up, taking over things. So Jamie, I'm glad you're here with me today because it's coming towards the end of the year and it's been a big year for, I think for everybody. And specifically for sex and relationships. And I thought we could kind of do an end of year roundup real quick and then answer some emails, help the people here. Oh yeah, I'm totally talking about some resolutions going forward because it's, I don't know, I mean, I'm not like a, um, a a lot of people the holidays are interesting time I think there's a lot of people who get more you know emotional or sad over the holidays it can be you

know hard being with family and all that stuff I don't really have that as much as I do the end of year makes me just I really do make an effort to think about and hopefully not too much of a heavy way. It's not that it's, it's, I really do make an effort to kind of look at the last year and take inventory of like what, what happened this year? Because a lot of times we're all going so fast, especially you see me. Oh, yeah.

It's fast. There's a lot. You're moving constantly. I know. I even come in the office and move. I'm like, I'll be at this desk. I'm going to go to this desk. But life is fast. And I was like, so I'd like to reflect and think,

like, what would happen this year? What were some good things that happened that I'm really proud of? And that makes me, you know, who did I meet? Who came into my life personally and professionally? What goals have I met? What have I moved through? You know, it's just sometimes you can just think about things that aren't so great in your life.

It's really easy to go into that zone of like, what's wrong, what's wrong. I think we a lot of us do that, but when you have a whole year to look back, you can go, okay, you know, and hopefully you always kind to yourself and say I did the best I could with what was going on in my life. So I try to do that, and I think, okay,

but in a year from now or in the next year, what are the things that would be great to see in place, you know, personally, professionally, spiritually, health-wise? You know, and I kind of do this inventory and I like to write a bunch of stuff on the wall like I like to do, like those big stickies. And so anyway, as I was thinking about it, I think a lot of our listeners are probably thinking about that as well, like what, you know, I hope you are. And I hope, and I'd like to kind of plant the seed nugget in your brain, if you will.

Yes. The sex nugget, I say seed nugget. Seed nugget, sex nugget. I want to plant the, I'd like to plant the sex nugget in your brain. Thinking about, when you're thinking about all those things, like maybe you, people like join a gym in January, they want to quit smoking, but I think it's important

to think about, of course, sex, always prioritizes, but this would be a great time to think, do I want to be having what kind of sex are the fantasies I haven't filled yet? If you're in a relationship, how could you straighten that bond? The intimacy, if you're dating, how could you better sex like well-dating, which I know is a challenge. We're gonna get into that minute. So let's talk about some of these things. We could. Yeah. And I think I think you're right, though, too. A lot of people, especially people that get into relationships, but or even if you're single, they don't

really think about ways to improve their sex life. They just treat each new partner each new thing. Like if you're single, they treat each new partner as like a new thing. And they don't really think about like, well, what could I do to make this, make sure that this is good sex or better sex? And then people in relationships just fall into routine, and they know that they're going to have sex. But then that's why things start to get stale. Cause you, you got to change things up. You got to really think about it. What made your best sex moments the best? Oh, made your bad sex moments bad. Like think about why these things

made you feel this way. Exactly. Like, I love that. I mean, so we were thinking that on it. Right wrong. Both coughing. I know. I'm just gonna say the bad. So yeah. What are you saying? Yeah. Yeah. That good bad bad into the good thing. Well, I was gonna say it, so, right, like, what was the bad and what was the good, or what was the most pleasing sex and not pleasing sex? It's funny, because I was thinking about the shows we did with the guys, the guys talk sex show, which is so fun, and I remember asking those guys,

and I was like, what was the best sex you ever had? I love asking people that. In fact, that was one of the first questions I used to ask you about when I started the show, because I was always like, what does great sex mean to you? I mean, I really was like, when you say you are the best sex, tell me what that means. I was always like, break it down, you know? And so, asking, though, it was interesting that those guys were like, you know, the similar

thread to all of it was, it was sort of unknown. It wasn't planned. It was spontaneous. It was fairly new partners. Alcohol involved. It's kind of spontaneous sex. And I thought, it's interesting because a lot of what we talk about is keeping sex great and a relationship is, you got to bring that spontaneity back and that newness.

And so, I thought that was interesting though, but I also think it changes over time. So the guys were there 20s. I wonder if they could have the same answer 10 years from now. And so when I think about it, like some memorable sex, you know, might not be the kind of sex that I would want to have. Now, for example, what would be great sex to me, so a good question to ask yourself is, what was the best sex I had this year? And what, what I want to see happen, you know, in the future, or what was the worst sex? So I was thinking about, we could highlight, perhaps, Sara. I'd like to, uh, do we get into that now? So I was thinking about we could highlight perhaps our eye. I'd like to get into that now.

Yeah, no, I mean, I think it's, I agree. I think it's like people tend to think of the best sex they ever had, but they don't think of this year. Like think about the year, just the year, because my best sex ever did not happen this year. But from this year, I can pull out the best sex of this time. If you focus on stuff like seven years ago, that was the best sex. You might even try to re-enact that,

but it might not even be the best for you anymore because it was seven years ago. But if you think about something in a year, it kind of makes it a little more tangible. Right, it's a little more anecdotal, maybe when you look back on stories, like from years ago, you're like, oh, it was really fun.

It was crazy. We were at this rooftop party. We'd sex outside or whatever your great sex was. And as you know, being a sex and relationship expert, I think people assume I always have amazing sex and I'm going to come clean here and tell you that I don't always have amazing sex. I do my best to make it better, but if I think about my high and low this year or talk about this year, I did. I had some sex that was just not great and then I had some amazing sex.

So what was your best sex? Should we start with the best? Let's start with the best and then we'll contrast it. Okay. My best sex this year are really memorable sex. Oh, it kind of had all the elements we're talking about. My best sex was that wanderlust. You have to come next year. Wanderlust was that really cool festival I did in Tahoe this summer and I talked for two days about sex and it's like a huge yoga festival. They do it in like a bunch of different exotic cities and it's just a lot of people running

around like scantily cloud doing yoga and like a lot of healthy, happy people obviously. They're doing yoga all day and I actually did the one sex track so I did two days of sex and it was really, it was intense. Like you were not there unfortunately. We had Lark there and we had Ten that came in from Jersey Part of our team, Lark producer Lark and then my friend Heather who does some work with us was there We rented a house and I was preparing to speak and it was a lot of work because of course I changed my mind the last minute We were rewriting it. It was amazing. I loved in fact their talks are gonna be on the one-to-last podcast and we'll promote it in a few months

So it was a grueling week. It was a lot of the gatheredness with the team. We all bonded it was great But also intense and it was five days where I thought. It was a lot of togetherness with the team. We all bonded. It was great, but also intense. And it was five days where I thought I would have time to do yoga and go hiking and do all the beautiful things you do in Tahoe, set at the foot of this amazing mountain. But there was a lot of work. So it went until Sunday. We were there like Wednesday till Sunday. I gave my last talk Sunday at about two.

It was over at three, and the one thing, besides yoga, all the classes were done, but the one thing I wanted to do the whole time was to take the tram to the top of the mountain, and there was a pool party that was going on the whole time. Like at the top of the mountain. Right?

Everyone's like, oh my god, if you've been to the pool party, I'm like, I have no time to party. So I looked at Lark, I was like, you know what, we have an hour left till we have to leave and go to our flight. It's open for another hour. I think the pool party went my guy, no, I'm not a party. So I looked at Lark, I was like, you know what, we have an hour left till we have to leave and go to our flight. It's open for another hour. I think the bull party went to four and it was like three. I'm like, let's just go for an hour, check out the top of the mountain, have a drink.

We've been working our ass off. So we get to the top of the mountain, it's beautiful. Going up up up up up your bento. Over the mountain. I want to go in the summer. It's so beautiful. The gondola, it's the gondola or tram. It's so beautiful. The gondola is the gondola or tram? Both, tram, gondola.

It's tram. It's tram, tram, gondola. So you're tall, you go up, it's beautiful. You've been to ski resorts and the... Yeah, I mean, I've been to like... I'm wildly just tickulating at you right now. OK, so we're at the mountain and we get there. And it's like, oh, it's so beautiful.

And the air was perfect. We walk over to the bar and they're like, nope. Sorry, we're shutting down party's ending. And I was like, oh, it's so beautiful. And the air was perfect. We walk over to the bar and they're like, nope, sorry, we're shutting down party's ending. And I was like, but you don't understand. Like we just got to the top of the mountain. And there were still people like scantily clad in the pool and like music. He's like, nope.

And I was like, you know what I was like, come on. Like anything, like I'll pay you. I've got like a, I've got like a dildo. I'm like, I'll give you a vibrator. He's like, nope, no more beer. I'm like, oh my god. Okay, okay, that's fine. And so I sat down with Lark and we're just looking and we're like, oh, it's fine. And then I was like, well'll give you a vibrator. He's like, nope, no more beer. I'm like, oh my God. Okay, okay, that's fine. And so I sat down with Lark and we're just looking

and we're like, oh, it's fine. And then I was like, well, I should get a picture because we didn't take many pictures. It was a beautiful view. And Lark's like, well, you should just go over there. And she was exhausted. She'd been on her feet all day. She'd just walk over there and like,

take a picture of that cliff. So I walk over to Scliff. And of course, I'm wearing like two in shields or three in shields. And I'm like, trying to get over these rocks to take this beautiful, like, outlook picture and as an overview picture of the entire city, and I walk over, and this guy comes up to me,

and he's like, hi, he's like, can I help you, where you going? And I said, he had a beer in his hand, and I said, give me your beer. I didn't say that, but I thought that. And he's like, let me help you. I said, I gotta take a really great shot from here, because I have no shots since I've been here, and he's like, let me help you. And he put his hand take a really great shot from here because I have no shots since I've been here.

And he's like, let me help you. And he like, put his hand on him, and he guided me and he took a bunch of pictures. And he was just, I like them. And he was cute. And he was like, what are you doing? I said, I've been working the whole time. And I just need a really good picture from here.

And I'm leaving in an hour. And he's like, I don't leave. I went by buddy and we've got like a party to go do. And it's been really fun. And he was really cute. Like, I'm not thinking how am I meeting someone like it literally? I I think I had walked away from Mark and maybe 15 seconds and go by in the sky comes out to me I walk back to see Larkin it turns out our flight ends up being canceled

We go and get you know dinner and drinks with him and he's got a really cool friend and we're all hanging out And it's just like all fell into place. He was he was really kind He was really attentive. He was just like interesting and interested and he's very attractive and we ended up getting a room I'll share the room and he was two of my favorite things. He's a trained massage therapist and You and the massage therapist dude, you're right, you're right, that's my second, you know what? Data massage therapist, but that's not what is his main thing. He did it on the side and he meditates,

but he meditates and he's a healer. And all those mad and hippie though. And he was so great. And everything I told him, I was like, I like when you touch my shoulder and then you kept touching it. I like when, and I was just very able to be, to communicate with him.

And I felt like he understood what my body needed. And I understood what he needed without being able to speak. I instantly felt safe with him and connected in a way that is, is difficult to explain only when you look at it against like the bad sex of the year. And you're like, oh, I get it. I get it when you're not really connecting. Someone's not listening to you and you're not jiving. So we look at a good energy. We still text. Not my future, whatever, but it was

like this moment of like, and it had those elements. Like we talked about with the guys. It was spontaneous. On it didn't know what was going to happen. Didn't know. We was kind of a stranger, but felt instantly safe and was like, had amazing hands and that doesn't happen all the time. No. I mean, everything was comfortable. We showered together. It was a really fun, unexpected evening. So that was my best sex. Oh, I like that. It's a good one. Oh, yeah. I got a one or less. Hopefully we'll run the same thing. You'll come next year. Okay. So, James, let's, so here's how we can kind of learn maybe best and worse. So I would have to say that was anyone's memorable sex of the year. So if anyone I've slept with this year's listening, you're great too, babe. I can only name one.

memorable sex of the year. So if anyone I've slept with this year's listening, you're great to me. I can only name one. But I would say the one that I wasn't a huge fan of was a guy that I had to go out a few times, met him through a friend. In his 40s, been married before, and it was the, we got out several times

and it was the classic. We went back to my house after a few dates. We had made out in the car, it was kind of hot, walked into my house, and he had this expectation that he was just gonna like start my pants, take him off when we were gonna have sex. Like it was really like no attention to the breasts, not even much time kissing, and he wasn't in a rush,

it was like he had to go anywhere, it was a Saturday night, and in my brain, I'm going, how does he not, you know, no, the four play of the slow down, the kids thing, it occurred to me that this isn't the first guy I've been with, no matter what age, but several in their 30s, 40s that just really don't, they don't get it, they don't get it, they don't get it. They don't get it. They don't understand the four play, they don't slow down. And so I tried in the moment, I stopped, I said, you know what would make me feel more comfortable right now, just so you know, because I stopped it. And he's like, well, what? I said said well, I just feel like we were connecting and we've had a great date and a great few times spending with each other We've gone out a few times. It's been really fun and it's funny and I love making out with you

And now here we are and I feel like you've skipped a beat here And it would feel really good just to kind of make out and connect more and it kind of like like went over his head or something Yeah, he was like, oh, yeah, no, I just found you attractive. And it wasn't just the sex. It was a few other things at night that made me realize, a pie else. He also had me watch like his host reel from 20 years ago and like talked about himself the whole time.

So there was a few narcissistic traits in there. So there's someone who's actually paying attention and listening. It's not like the other guy was a mass, the massage guy was a masterful lover. He's not a masseuse for living with the other guy. But that's Mexico. But you know what I mean?

It's really, it's really, me that like it's really a matter of paying attention, listening, and being a kid that you don't as a man or woman that you don't really know everything. And with each partner, it's a new opportunity to learn. And can I, can I comment on that comment? Please comment. How you said for the guy with the bad sex, well, he was like, I'm sorry, I get it, but I'm just so attracted to you. It's like, okay, like while I'm happy that you're attracted to me, and I always love it when I know that a guy is super into me at the same time when he says something like that, all it means to me is like, so you just were worried though about you getting

off. Like, you're not worried about whether or not what you're doing is going to get me off, because you're just like, oh, I'm just so not what you're doing is gonna get me off, because you're just like, oh, I'm just so attracted to you, I just need to get it in right now. It's like they kind of see it as a compliment, it's not really a compliment. And it's not him being rude,

it's just him being kind of like he just doesn't know. Right, that's what's alarming to me and why I'm more passionate than ever about this. You know, I think a lot of us men and women, we did not really learn at all about how to have sex. You're absolutely right that there's men, they say things to us like, Oh, I've got blue balls or, you know, they put your hand on their penis to show you that it's hard and we already know what we're making out. Your penis is probably hard. You don't need

to show me. Those things that guys do that they think is going to be a turn on to us. Actually isn't. It has nothing to do with us. And I'm going to say men when we get around differently. So I will say men, the more that men focus on pleasing their partner and by that I don't mean like going down and I'm necessarily, I mean like what does she need in that moment? How is she reacting? Does she, is she cold? Does she want to kiss?

I mean, you can tell or ask, like if you are attentive, you're not going to seem like a whoosh, you're going to seem like a man who knows how to react to a partner. And then that comes back to you. Like once a woman likes you, feels safe, feels like you have her best intentions, you know, it just kind of works. But I think that guys have that mentality by saying these things that like, but I'm so turned on so you should just have something right now when you are feeling nothing. I don't even know, I forgot you were here, dude.

No, exactly. And that's why that's just why it's interesting to me, because I mean, I've been in situations where I'm like, can we slow down a little bit, or have even had a guy like, you know, like, you know, we're having sex, and I'm like, trying, I'm on top, and I'm trying to move a certain way, and he keeps trying to move me differently, and I'm like, I had to say, I was like,

hey, I was like, can we kind of slow down for a second, because I realize that this may not be getting you off, but I need more attention to my genital areas. Do you say that? I didn't say it exactly like that. Genital areas. I said, I was just like, hey, I was like, hold on, let's slow down.

And I had to like keep guiding him. Good. Because I was like, hey man, like in my head, I was like, you're gonna get off in probably a few minutes. So let me do what I need to do. And then we can do whatever the fuck you want. Right, right, right. You didn't say it. Let's say it. That's why I said I thought that part. I was very nice in the actual talk. Of course you are. I am not. Of course you are. I'm only sarcastic. Right. Not very. I'm not mean to people. So yeah, we're going to be talking more

about this in the New Year. Men and women. Women and men, women, men, men, men, all of us. We all need a little bit of help understand each other. So we're going to do that and speaking of sex, which we always do, sex in the news. Yay, my favorite part. Here's how long sexual afterglow actually lasts according to science. I love when it's science, you're like science says so. We all know that sex is really good for you and can basically double as medicine. And it can also help you sleep better, it relieves stress, keeps your mental health in check. So it's no surprise that an activity is healthy and fun as sex leaves you feeling happy and serene and something commonly known as the sexual afterglow. Turns out that splendid post-coital glow is actually all emotional and comes from the

happiness you feel courtesy of the love hormone oxytocin. We talk about oxytocin a lot, the cuddle hormone, the orgasm hormone, it's that connected to hormone that we feel after we have sex, especially with a partner. So in this study, they researched couples having sex and how satisfied they were in their relationship. So the couples reported increased sexual satisfaction on the days they filled around,

but most importantly, they discovered they had higher feelings of intimacy and happiness, A-K-A, the afterglow, that lasted, get this for two days after sex, after rolne, it says, not that I would say rolne, but the study says rolne. So that means it lasted for two days after. That's how long we couples have sex and then connect. That's great.

It is great. It's better than like, what other drug? Nothing lasts, two days. What drug lasts two days? I mean, hopefully, I mean, well, not that I'm advocating drug use. But if your drug is lasting longer than two days, then there's something probably going very wrong in your body. But this is great because this is natural.

Natural drugs are great. Natural hormones are great for you. I think it's great too because it kind of works with both sides for the people that have lower libidos in their relationship and for the people that have higher libidos in their relationship. Because the people with lower libidos can say, hey, we that have higher libidos in the relationship because the people with lower libidos Can say hey, we don't have to have sex every day Because the satisfaction you know at least every two days you know or at least every few days

It doesn't have to be like that either it can just be once a week But you know what I mean? It's the work them and then it helps the people with the higher libidos to get the people It's like you know will be actually closer if we have sex more than once a month. Exactly. That's the thing. The couples who say, like, oh, we don't need it that much. It is the connective tissue. It is the glue that is keeping your relationship together from just being roommates and not

being connected. And I think that couples who don't have as much sex, they, um, they forget that it actually feels good. And the more you start doing it, they're going to want to have it again. So these couples, you know, they keep it, it's a good reason to keep it going. And I feel like from someone who we hear from and a lot of close personal friends were happy to know they're like play by play and their relationship for the last 15, 10 years. All my friends who are in healthy relationships, even though there's a lot of times,

they hate their partners, you know, they say they hate them. They love them. And it's when they have sex and they connect again, it brings you back. So after love, I'm all about the after law. Yeah, I do want to say I think my favorite part of this Tell me study is that during the 48 hours like yours the sperm is at a lower quality And also the sperm can only survive for two days within the female reproductive tract So it's kind of interesting because it's like that two-day period just kind of like, okay, like this is my person, kind of keeps them, keeps them connected.

It keeps them bonded, exactly. And it's like waiting until like, because you know, if you go back to like mating, you know, like having sex for reproductions purposes, it's like, okay, like you're not gonna look for another mate for another couple days, because the sperm may be inside you and his sperm is not ready.

I just think that was really it. No, it's really true. It's all about like biology and how you meet. Kinda love a good sex study here, Jamie. So if there's any incentive you guys, like go and do busy eight too much, I'm too full, biz holidays are too crazy. You should still have sex.

You always feel better. Just like the gym, I always say it. I don't think I've said that in a very long time. You never regret going to the gym and you don't regret having consensual sex with someone you love. I don't think you're gonna be like, huh, right?

So do that. Have some afterglow. Yeah. Tis the season. Glow it up. Thanks everyone for supporting our sponsors. We're gonna take a quick break and we are going to answer all of your burning,

not medically burning, I hope. But your sex relationship, love questions, right, James? Of course, it's what what you do best. That's what we do. We go back. We're on to emails. If you have a question, you want me to answer, you should text me. It's so easy. Text Ask Emily one word to 7979 or you can submit a question from sexwithemily.com, the website via the Ask Emily tab and include your gender, your age where you live and how you listen. You ready, Jamie? Yes.

Okay, this is from Karen, she's 28 in California. Hi Emily, your show has changed my life. I went from a very shy religious girl to a woman learning to embrace my sexuality. I married an older woman when I was very young at 22 and she was 36. We've been married three years now together six. We recently made a major move away from friends and family and started new jobs. At my new job I've become insanely attracted to a man. I've always considered myself bisexual but labeled myself as a lesbian to make things easier. My wife and I have had a terrible,

non-existent sex life the last few years, and this guy makes me feel brave and sexually alive. I'm scared to leave my boring sex life with someone I truly care for just because they're someone new and exciting. I'm nervous that this is just me rebounding and looking for attention. This man is my first male sexual experience.

I'm very confused. Do you think I should embrace this attraction to men or try and save my marriage? Thank you and love you, Emily. That is from Karen. Let's unpack this email here for Karen. So I understand that you guys have been together a while and that, you know, this is what happens in long-term relationships, whether you're gay, straight, sex life is going to wane. So that's going to happen if you guys, you know, I don't know why it's terrible and nonexistent

if you guys haven't talked about it. You know I'm going to say you guys have to talk about it. I also see that you said you're that you moved away from friends and family. So perhaps you're a little bit lonely and you're feeling like, you know, you're in a new place and this guy's making you feel kind of, you know, new feelings even felt in a while. And so there's a lot of different things going on here. I don't think it matters, you know, gay or straight. I feel like your first responsibility

is to the woman that you're married to. And so the first thing you have to do is look to repair your relationship and where you guys are at. And I'm wondering if you actually have talked or about the fact that you're dissatisfied or ask why she's not interested in sex because sex isn't gonna fix itself.

It's not. It's not. And like, the thing is too, that you think that this person is okay with this day of your sex life, but if you've never talked about it, maybe they have some, you know, she, on her own, is not satisfied. And there's reasons why she doesn't wanna have sex,

but you have to really like talk about it and unlock that together. I also think it's interesting that she labeled herself as a lesbian instead of bisexual to make it easier. And I just, you know, have you ever, if that's the case, have you ever talked with your wife about your bisexuality? Maybe she has no idea.

Right. That's true. I don't even know what she talked about. You're absolutely right. I don't know if she just labeled it to her or made it, yeah, that one time, like, no, I'm a lesbian. But that's a really good point. And also, you were young, sweetie Karen.

You were 22 when you got together with her. I know that, and her action is tough, stuff's saying young, because when you're 22, you don't feel like you're young, I get it. But that's still a time in your life where you haven't had as much experience. You're still figuring out who you are, what kind of relationship you want to be in. And so I think it's okay that you maybe thought that would be easier.

I get it. But now you have, you've been listening to the show, you said it saved your life and changed your life and you're opening up about sex. And so I think now the first thing you have to do is practice talking to her and just saying, I wouldn't bring up the guy. I wouldn't bring up the fact that you're attracted to somebody else. That's, she'll never hear what you're saying after that. You know, this happens in all kinds of relationships. We're our sex life is still, and then we go on a trip,

we go to work, we go on on the 7-11, and someone we meet a guy or a woman, and they make us feel great. Like we haven't felt before. Yeah, and also when you're having this conversation, don't play the blame game, make it a conversation about what you both can do to instead of being like, I'm unsatisfied

and it's your fault. Kind of a thing. Yeah, no blaming. No blaming, because it's, you know, like I said, it's, there's so much you'd be surprised when you just sit down and talk. Yeah, and it really, it really like open, like I'm not sure what to do, babe, but we been together now six years, and we, the sex, you know, we're not having a lot of sex lately, and I think it's really important that we do.

Let's talk about it. What do you think is going on? What do I think is going on without blaming? It's an open conversation. And it's time to have that right now, Karen. Let me know how it goes. Okay, the next one is Tom. He's 40 from California.

Dear Emily, I was hoping you could settle a question of masturbation. Is it good or bad for you? It's hard to separate fact from fiction when reading about this. I've heard many times in your show that self-pleasure increases sex drive, gets you in touch with your body, and what feels good. And you should keep masturbating whether you're in a relationship or not. There are other sites that condemn it, saying it's bad, kills your libido, and coupled with watching porn can have an adverse effect on sex drive and sexual health.

I'm 40, and I want to keep enjoying sex with my wife and myself pleasureing sessions for as long as I can. Can you please settle this? Is there even a debate about this? Thanks Tom 40 California. Well Tom, I'm not sure what sites you were looking up, but of course there's debates around everything. And yes, for some people they masturbate too much. They, you know, meaning that it, it's, you know, they can only have sex watching porn or they only want to watch porn into a long-grave sex or when there's consequences for your behavior. Like if you are masturbating so much or watching so much porn that you can no longer have

sex with your partner and you can't keep a job down because all you're doing is masturbating. Anything taken to the extreme could be problematic but I don't know where you're reading that masturbation isn't good for you, that it's not healthy. Maybe they're talking about ejaculation. The thing to keep in mind is that masturbation is actually, it is healthy for you. It's gonna teach you what you like. It's going to keep that bond you have with yourself. It's really good for, you know, you're a dude

and you're in your 40. It's good for your prostate. You know, that's, it is. It really is. Jackalation is all of that. Right. And I'm wondering though, here's my question though, Jay, when I'm reading this, I'm wondering if his wife is concerned with his masturbation at all, or if there's something that he's, you know, time I wonder if there's a thing you're trying to like, hi from it,

or if you're feeling guilt or shame about maybe, I don't know. Like I'm wondering if there's something else here because I'm wondering why you're asking. Like I feel like you love your wife. It sounds like you're having sex with her still. And if you're not seeing any negative repercussions, it's because you're reading some stuff about it being, you know, I feel like it seems like you're handling it well. Yeah, I think that there's probably like a little bit

of something. It might just be out of a place of curiosity, but I think it's the safest bet to say is that you're fine. Masturbation is great. It's healthy, and it doesn't, yeah, it's all great for everyone. Men, women, do it when you're in your relationship. Any site that condemns it completely, that's just crazy. I'm not sure if that's the site.

Exactly. You're alone in your bedroom. Who cares? Right. Don't tell anyone. Okay, Tom crazy. Exactly. You're alone in your bedroom. Who cares? Right. Don't tell anyone. Okay. Okay, Tom.

So I would say you're going to keep enjoying sex with your wife. Maybe she wants to watch porn with you. That could be a good time. Good couple of porn watching. So yeah, Tom, don't trip on it. You got the right advice here. Don't trip potato chip.

So can I read an email? I'd like to read it. Jamie, go read an email. I love it when you read it now. Okay, so this one is coming to us from Sarah, who's 23 in North Carolina. She says, hi, Emily and Jamie. She didn't know I was going to be here for this.

She's so lucky. I'm 23. I'm 23 years old and when I was 19, I started masturbating because I had never had an orgasm after achieving an orgasm on my own using my imagination, et cetera. I began watching porn. For a while, I wasn't really into it because everything is so male-dominant and aggressive. Then I discovered lesbian porn. Ever since then, I've been super into it and I watch it nearly every time I masturbate. I want to preface this by saying I have only ever been in heterosexual relationships

and have never found the idea of being in a relationship with a woman appealing or been attracted to other women. I've been in a relationship with a woman appealing or been attracted to other women. I've been in a relationship with my current partner for nearly three years and we have great sex. Does being into lesbian porn mean I'm subconsciously into women? I don't believe sexuality is black and white, but is it normal for straight women to fantasize about these sorts of things? And if so, how do I tell my partner about it or should I even bother? Thanks so much and I love your show. Can I preface before you start Emily?

Yes, go. I watched Lesbian porn last night. Yeah. I think it's great because it's two women having a great time. And I can easily put myself into either position. So if there's a dominant one or a submissive one, I can be both of them. Yes. And you're your experience with women? I've, I mean, I do find them attractive, but I just think that people are attractive in general. And I mean, I think, but I've never,

I've never like had a sexual experience with women. I've never, I mean, I'm not saying that I wouldn't be open to it, maybe. I just, I, But you identify as mostly, I'm not sexual. Yeah, I'm mostly. Right. So the most common porn Sarah just say,

you know, that mode women watch is lesbian porn. That's true. Well, it's common. So it's very, very common for women who have no desire in real life to be with women to find it very attractive and find very much turn on to watch lesbian porn. Cause yeah, exactly the reason it's hot, it's sexy. I mean, you know reason it's hot, it's sexy.

I mean, you know, it's like, it's beautiful to see two women together. And we know that that would feel like, first of all, there's nothing wrong with you. It doesn't mean you want to be with women unless you do. And that would be great too. So as far as telling your partner about it, what you said should I even bother? That makes it sound like kind of gives it more of a negative. Like should you bother? Like meaning like, I feel like there's nothing wrong with sharing with your partner where you find it.

I'm sure that your partner would think it was hot just to know that you fantasize, I think. Yeah, people should share, even if it wasn't a lesbian fantasy or a lesbian porn, whatever it is, you should share your fantasies if you want to. However, if you want to keep it to yourself that's totally your, yeah, it's your progative, it's your choice,

it's your sexual choice. But hopefully you guys are talking about sex with your partner. I think a great conversation, a great conversation starter about sex with couples to say like, what do you fantasize about? What do you think about? And of course, like Jamie said,

there's those fantasies that you don't tell anybody about ever. And then there's something that you might want to share. You might want to actually do with your partner sometime. So be open, sir. I think it's great that you know what turns you on. That's why I gotta say about that. Yeah, and just make a sense. No worries.

Bring it up. Does it mean that he's on automatically gonna be like, okay, let's have a threesome. Like you can literally preface that you're like, this is just the porn that I watch. So don't get any crazy ideas if that's not what you're into. Right, exactly. I wouldn't trap on it.

Okay, good question. I think a lot of women we've heard a lot that over the years. You're fine. Okay, this is Mary. She's 28 from Newport, Kentucky. Good question. I think a lot of women we've heard a lot of that over the years. You're fine. Okay. This is Mary. She's 28 from Newport, Kentucky. Hi, Emily. I've been with my partner for almost 10 years and we enjoy broadening our sexual horizons

together. He's recently confessed he wants to enact a fantasy where he is taken by force. I replied with, you mean like surprise sex. He explained how he wants to be tied up and taken advantage of, like spanking in a little rough play. I would love to help him, but since he wants to be surprised, he's not sharing his limitations with me. How can I take the next steps and create his fantasy in a safe way, while respecting his desire for surprise. Having been together for a long time, I do know his bedroom just likes and likes, but we have an engage in rough

play. Tips on playful rough Play would be so helpful. Can you share your ideas for how I should move forward? Thank you, Mary 28. Okay, so Mary, here's the deal. Love that you're so on board with your partner, but you need some more information. He can just say like, I want some Rough Play go, come back in a day and be rough with me.

Like, you gotta give some more information here. So I think that a little bit more because what I'm hearing here is like a lot of questions we've got to ask are people get stumped with the, how do I start? Like, I know my partner wants me to have dirty, but what's the first word I say? And she's like, I know he wants rough play,

but what do I do? And I feel like this partner was so specific about his scenario, like taken by force and he wants to be tied up. And so he does know what he wants. And so I feel like this would be a great time for you guys to go to like a new port Kentucky. They could go shopping on the website together. They could go to a sex toy store and you could buy it.

Like you could look at like or watch some porn together, some bodige and like he can kind of show you what might be hard to him. Yeah. And what he likes. We've got, I love sports seats. They've got a great beginner bondage kit that you can get on our new spanking new store on our website, which is like Velcro. It's like full proof.

Like it's like you get the Velcro cuffs and you get the blindfolds and it's so easy to use. But again, anytime you're trying rough play, yeah, I mean, you got to start slow, you got to, like I feel like I'm feeling her anxiety that she doesn't want to do now rather than like, here's how you do rough. Like, I don't want to really, I don't feel like I can, well, this is the thing. She's ready for even the tips right now, but we do a ton of tips on our site. But go ahead, Jay. We have blogs on our site about, like, how to gently introduce this. I, the thing is,

is that just because he wants to be surprised, doesn't mean he can't tell you his limitations beforehand. It doesn't have to happen the next time you guys have sex. It doesn't have to be this like outlined plan of exactly what he wants so that you follow it to the T. It's just you have to know because like rough sex means a lot of things like does he want to be choked right or does he just want it to like does he just want to be submissive like what?

You need to know these things But if he really really just wants to be surprised or if you just want to get into it I still think both you know I agree with Emily you really do need to talk about it But just start off slow start off slow and Look at his reactions is he liking it? Is it going too far? Does it seem like he's into it? And also, I think Blindfolds help with this a lot because that's going to heighten his senses, so you don't

even have to be being that rough, but because he can't see anything, it's going to make it seem like it's a little bit more rough than it was. Right. Because she wants it to be dominant, too. He wants her to be dominant, so that is a very dominant role. Yeah, you're in control. You've got the blindfold. Yeah. And I think what would be an interesting thing because you brought up Sportsheets which they do have a lot of great beginning bondage things. They have these under the bed restraints. I love them. And so the thing is is you could be like making out on your bed or whatever and You're on top of him and then when you're on top of him you can just take the straps from under the bed and tie him up and that's a surprise. Right there. Jamie, that's a surprise right there.

Jamie, that's so good. I've forgotten. Yes, I mean, there's such a surprise that I have under my bed, I forget they're there. They're like, you can't, they're really like, they're lightweight and you put them around. Yeah, I don't even have to explain it. They're like, Yeah, because like a couple of people has a headboard anymore that you can attach to. Yeah, you just write it, you pull it out, it's like nylon strap is about to run it in the boom, when he's handcuffed. Exactly, and he's yours. And he won't necessarily expect Exactly. And he's yours.

And he won't necessarily expect it. That's a good move. I like it. So I would get a little more information if this is making you make sure to start. Check out our two blogs too. How to gently introduce rough play in bed and five rough sex tips for a naughty new year on the section on the website. We can put that in the show notes.

Yes. They will be in the show notes so they will be easily located for you. And of course, because we always let people know when their question has been answered on the air. I love that we do that. I love you, James. Thank you. Thank you. I love you, Depp. I love being on the show. I think it's so fun that you give me that opportunity every once in a while. Oh, I love it, James. It's so fun being here with you. And what a wonderful year. Thank you for, thank you, everything making a sexual family such a fun place to work. And a successful year we've had.

Thank you to my amazing team, thank you to Lark and Ken and our intern, Shannon and Jenny and Michael and just all the amazing listeners I'm heading into our 13th year of sexual family. And I have been, my whole team here, we have been plotting and planning and we're creating a lot of cool stuff in 2018. Just watch out. I'm so excited you guys. Thank you for listening. And you know, fall us into 13th year because we are doing a lot of cool stuff with the

shows and with everything we're doing. There's a lot of good information coming and I can't wait for you guys to come along with us for the ride. So if you haven't entered our contest better lover 2018, you can do that now. Just tell us how you want to be a better lover in 2018. We also have more information on our website. You have to enter by January 14th and just email us with better lover 2018 in the headline. I mean, in the whatever it's called, the headline subject. You know, like you guys do what I mean. Put it at the top of the email.

Happy New Year. I love you all. Thank you so much for listening. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at sexwithemily.com.