Sex With Emily - Sexperts: Just The Tip

Episode Date: February 7, 2018

On today’s episode, Emily’s sharing some of the most open and insightful conversations with sexologists she’s hosted over the past few years. Emily speaks with sexual empowerment coach Amy Jo Goddard, sex therapist Hernando Chavez, teacher and porn star legend Nina Hartley, and sex educators Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg about a range of topics. From the basics of sex to ways to ease into back door play to non-traditional relationships, this show has a piece for everyone to learn and enjoy. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who keep the show FREE: RXBar, UVee, Intensity, and Adam & Eve Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily in today's episode, I'm sharing some of the most. Open and insightful conversations with sexologists I've had over the past few years. Sexual empowerment coach, Imijo Gator brings us all you need to know about the Clitoris, but we're afraid to ask, and how to manage your insecurities so they don't ruin your relationship. Sex therapist, Hernando Chavez, shares pleasurable ways to ease into backdoor sex. Teacher and porn star legend, Nina Hartley explains why you should never feel guilty about pursuing a non-traditional relationship and how to find the right one that works for you. And sex educator Sunny Megatron and Ken Melboynberg give specific ways to break through king-starotypes that are holding you back. And how to have fun with it, because hey, sex is fun. All this and more, enjoy the show. [♪ music playing in background, playing in of cute. Hey girls, gotta have a stand. Oh my!

The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common all the way? What do you mean like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good.

You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You know Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com, check out our website or blogs. We have so much information up there to help you with better sex and relationships. Oh, and today you guys, February 6th, take a coffee break and join me. I'm doing a Facebook Live and an Instagram Live.

My Facebook Live is 3 o'clock Pacific, 6 o'clock Eastern, and an Instagram Live is 4 o'clock Pacific, six o'clock Eastern, and Instagram Live is four o'clock Pacific and seven o'clock Eastern. So get your sex and relationship questions ready, mark counters, set a reminder, and I'm so excited to see you there. I'll be answering all of your sex relationship questions. If you've got Valentine's Day questions, I'll be there for you.

So it's Facebook.com, slash sex with Emily, and Instagram is at sex with Emily along with Twitter and everywhere else that you might follow me on social media, which I love that you do. Okay, today's show is really fun. Let's get into our interviews if you want to hear the full episodes. Look at the links in the show notes, which can be found at sexwithemily.com. Your book, okay, Amy Joe Gardard, they can find you at Amy Joe Garder.com. Yep. Uh, G-O-D-D-A-R-D. And this is all my website as well.

At Amy Joe Garder on Twitter and Facebook.com slash Amy Joe Garder.com. Mm-hmm. And then your book, The Lesbian Sex Secrets for Ben, you released an expanded second edition. So what is new in the book? A bunch of things. It was so fun. It's like you often don't get the second chance, you know. Tell me, Miss. Congratulations. Yeah, thank you. The book has sold so well that when I went back to Penguin Random House with the new book, they were like, wait, what? We don't have an ebook of lesbian sex secrets for men. I'm like, yeah, what's wrong?

So, so yeah, it was great. We got to actually get a much better cover for it because I was hated the first time I was seeing it. Oh, I was. The cover's fabulous. And yeah, so I got to edit through and really update the language. I mean, it's 15-year-old book. Wow, wow, wow. It came out in 2000. So I was a Wii 29 year old at the time. So yeah, and then we added sections on things that weren't really happening.

We had a lot of stuff about anal. Yeah, a lot of stuff about that. And then we had a chapter on anal, then we just added more to it. And more stuff about technology and sex. And then one of my favorite sections we added, well, a couple, we added something on polyamory because that wasn't really in the conversation at the time. I was doing it, but it wasn't mean talked about it in the same way. And then we added a section for guys who are dating bisexual women.

Because we talked to so many of them over the years. And that can be a really big struggle. Absolutely. Glad. So what do you tell them? What's your advice? You know, they're going to eventually leave you. It does. It's tricky. You know, it's not an easy thing for a lot of people. And because sometimes what it comes down to is a woman having to make the choice of choosing the relationship or choosing her sexuality, which is the choice a lot of people get in whether they're bisexual or something. I don't because they might be in a sexless marriage where they're like, well, I could stay with you and be in the marriage with you,

or I could choose my sexuality and go have the sex life I want to have. Right, exactly. You know, I talk to people who are in that struggle all the time. So, you know, I think it's really about communicating it, negotiating it, figuring out what's going to work for both of you and whether there is a win-win. Sometimes that's something women really do need to explore. And they're going to eventually need to do it, whether they do it now or do it later. And so not having the conversation or addressing it,

just again, sweeps into the rug, and then it becomes that elephant in the living room, at some point. Exactly. You got to figure out what kind of life you want to live. Yeah. I mean, but I think guys who attract those kinds of women tend to be awesome guys.

All the ones I've known, I'm like, yep, you're an awesome guy. How would you describe that kind of guy? What's the similar traits? I think that they tend to have a little bit of a better understanding of gender equity and what that looks like in a relationship. And I personally think, well, better lovers, what? I think, well, I think bisexual men are definitely better lovers.

I don't know about the men who partner with bisexual women. Got it. But what are some of the, can we just get into the sex tips real quick? So what are some of the most popular sex tips in the book? Or you think that we're really, that like lesbian needs to tell guys this, like about women's bodies? What would you think is a chapter or something that keeps getting brought up to you? The people really enjoy it around the sex tips

that you could share. I think a big piece is really understanding the body and all the parts of the clitoris that never get talked about. I'm an anatomy geek. I love teaching anatomy and every time I teach it, people are like, what? Tell us a class. Pleasure chest recently about this. So don't we. Pleasure, Chess, recently about this.

So don't we know? Well, the clitoris, I think we learned to think of it is like, it's that little, cut little button. If I push it, just raise. Yeah. It's cream and ecstasy, you know, it's not like that. So it's got all the same parts, actually, that male genitalia have, they're just organized differently.

And so there's two large erectile, they're called chrera or legs that run underneath the labia. And so actually bringing a lot of blood flow, starting with a lot of blood flow into the entire vulva, brings a lot of that blood into all her erectile parts that are mostly inside. The only part you actually get to see is the clitoral head. She's got a shaft, she's got the legs. There's all this spongy tissue. And so also, there's spongy tissue on every side of the vagina.

And so that's all a erectile tissue. So even though a lot of women don't have orgasms through intercourse per se, a lot of their pleasure is derived from all of that delicious tissue being stated. I know, and I think people don't know. They don't know, right? I love that you're talking about this too, that it's not just about that.

The lady, I mean, there's so much. There's so much. So rich. And then so when people really rush to intercourse, you're just, you're totally, bypassing, basically like bypassing the opportunity to really create a lot of pleasure for your partner. Because you know, and then what ends up happening is women start to think, oh, sex hurts or intercourse hurts, I want to avoid that because they've been with partners who aren't actually doing

their due diligence, bringing that blood flow, getting the vagina ready to want it. And so then they have a partner that starts avoiding it? Of course. And they're like, what's wrong? I'm like, well, yeah. Yeah, they grant her not only the brain, but the brain for the right exactly. Yeah.

So we're playing, four play. It's not a suggestion. Why? Yelling at me. Just because we talk about it. You're the representation of my dreams. Yes. It's a lot of pressure. But one of us answers to me, Miles. For us first, it's how the B.A.M.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E.E. to be talking about it. You're the representative of many. Oh, man, yes. That's a lot of pressure. But one of us answers to me, Miles.

For your first, you have to be Amy. OK, we've got to meet Miles from the people. Thank you for emailing me feedback at sexwithm.com. I love hearing from you. It's awesome. And would you please also include your name, how old you are, how you listen, which is so awesome, sexual guilt, Emily.

I've listened to your podcast recently and I've really connected with your show. It's incredibly informative and insightful. Recently I've been struggling with somewhat of a weird issue that I haven't been able to get over. I experienced a lot of guilt after having sex. The sex range is from long-term relationships to one night stands.

But every time I have sex, I feel this weird guilt bubble up inside me and I feel like I did something wrong. I'm 24. This has been going on since I was 17. I could really use some advice. Am I alone in feeling this? What insights do you have on this?

Thanks, Martin. So Amy Jo, I thought you may be able to help me answer this question from Martin. Yeah. Great question. I think a lot of people feel that way. The shame of the guilt. Oh my God.

People hold themselves back from so much pleasure Enjoy because of feeling guilty. How could we were exactly all the time? I mean Martin I think guilt is a wasted. It's wasted energy. It's such a waste. I think guilt really does nothing for us But it's always with a wasted emotions not even emotion though. She think it's a waste of time. Yeah, it is truly What happened when you were 17? Well, that's what I wanted to know exactly. I think that there might be some trauma or some issues. Yeah, parents might have a partner.

Look, it had been like my mom who said, if you're going to have sex, you're going to get a pregnant from the first time, like, dismissing with your head, you know? Yeah, and you say like every single time it could be a relationship or one night stand. So I think there's gonna be some more care trying to figure out what happened at that age. Yeah, I mean, what was the genesis of that?

What's really the core? Like what's underneath the guilt? Because it's really not about the guilt. It's about something happened that you never made peace with or gave yourself permission for. Exactly. I really wanna encourage you to figure out that thing.

And then just, I think you have to give yourself permission. That's one of the elements in the book. It's like we need so much permission to just be who we are, the sexual people. I know. And like what we like. And not, I was so normal. And this is so normal.

I don't compare ourselves. I know exactly. It's so true. And I would say, yeah, I mean, it also, this might not be something to give yourself permission, but this might not be something that he could work on his own. So I would say, yeah, I mean, and also this might not be something to give yourself permission, but this might not be something that he could work on his own. So I would say, you know, get some support. Get some support. Absolutely.

Therapy. Okay, we got another email. Hey, Emily, fellow Wolverine here. Hell yes. Hell yes. Hell. Hell in the victors. My school, 20-year-old female and listen religiously on the iTunes app.

I appreciate everything you do to help make our society more sexually knowledgeable and your co-host's advice has definitely educated me and approved my sex life. Now, of course. All that said, I have a dilemma. I would love your guidance on. I've recently started dating a guy 29 who is absolutely incredible. We clicked almost immediately and learned quickly that we were very sexually compatible. I've never been so consistently around just thinking about a guy and let alone when we're actually together.

My problem is when we became Facebook friends, I discovered that he still has several pictures of his ex-girlfriend posted, despite telling me that he had been single for quite some time. Well, this is somewhat of a red flag. My main concern is that she's incredibly beautiful girl, great body, gorgeous face. I'm no droggle-dyte or anything. I just have a lot of insecurities related to stretch marks, from weight loss and scars from abuse. I also have the problem of being a unicorn who thoroughly enjoys getting turned on or enjoys slash getting turned on by having giving head.

And I worry that perhaps he's settling for me as a reflection of what he actually wants, which is her, the X. Is there any way to approach these insecurities without seeming like a crazy person? If there is a male present to weigh in, how aware are men of these flaws that women obsess about? I do my best to give out confidence when we're intimate. As I know, this is the key to sexiness, but I can't help but wonder if he is constantly comparing me to what he had before and he help you can give would be greatly appreciated. You're so wonderful. Thanks again

Maddie Oh man I'm not going to Remember the days before pre-internet guys. Yeah, this is just she she got all that from photographs on Facebook From next door friend right yes one picture right all that It's all story Whole backstory, you know, I do you think that men are that concerned. She's worth the stretch mark. She's worried about I And you know when I speak it's I'm speaking for all men

Yeah, I think about that stuff at all they don't care. They're just I get sued. Think about that stuff at all. They don't care. They're just happy to be here. Yeah, happy to be with you. It's a good time. Happy to be having sex with you. Happy to be receiving Felatio.

You know, all the stuff is being made up in your head. All the insecurities. Like you should not, if he wanted to be with that person, he would go be with that person. Or he would be with somebody similar to whoever that girl is in the six photographs, you know? Exactly. It's like, yeah. You'd be worrying about it way too much.

You need to be present in your relationship and you're causing problems. Yeah, I think she's advertising it. She was just way looking for something because these are already bubbling up below the surface. How long have they been together? I don't know. Did I say, are they three years into relationship and he still has? Three cents, it's three cents.

Okay. I'll tell you this, I never even check my Facebook messages. The thing is full. Like, I'm not going back. I'm not going back into my photos and, I mean, photos. I'm not, I'm not even thinking about that at all. Right. I mean, I think she's just letting her insecurities get the best of her.

Of course, but she was being dishonest. Like I was going to say, if you're three years into your relationship and yeah, maybe the photos are still up there, you might have a problem. Even that's right. You know, this idea that we come into a new relationship and suddenly I have no past. I know that's the past. And I've never, I mean, I mean, that's my dream.

I mean, I have this hot guy who used to be with this other hot woman. And now he's with you. Like, obviously, you've got something going on. You're gonna mess it up. You're basically just throwing a grenade into your relationship. I mean, you look for a person, you grenade into your relationship. Right. I mean, he's a comparison game.

Never gets you anywhere. No. It's just, we have to stop doing that. We do. And women do this so much. I don't know if it's bad for men. I don't know. Women do it all the time.

And we're taught to compete as well. Yeah. So I think that's a part of it. But it's really something I work with women on in my sexual empowerment programs, because you cannot be empowered and be tearing other women down or constantly comparing yourself and tearing yourself down. That is not an empowered place.

And everyone has their own thing to offer. Why would you do this to yourself? He gets to have pictures of people. I'm not going to give up pictures of my past relationships that are memories for me or people that were important in my life and might still be. There's nothing wrong with that. And this is all based on her own interpretation of what happened. I don't know why women. I think, oh sorry.

No, people always talk about how, especially being in LA, I'm not saying this doesn't happen everywhere, but I remember, I don't know if it's just because this is such a LA is a different world in some ways about looks and celebrity, but I wasn't just brought up, they're like, I'm not a, I'm really not a competitive person. I don't, I'm lefty, I mean, I always say I have other issues, but I'm not like a, I'm always like a, that's all bring each other up, big women up.

But I do think that it comes up all the time here, people saying, are there, do you find the women really catty or are they really competitive? And I don't remember people comes up all the time here, people saying, are there, do you find the women really caddy or are they really competitive? And I don't remember people asking me that in San Francisco. I just am not saying that whatever happens ever, but I do think it's something that, I mean, if you can get women just to focus, it's a confidence thing, you get them to look it

and celebrate themselves. And but it's just, I think it's just really hard, because it's always in your face, especially now with social media and Instagram, and you're looking at everything. And it's just really hard because it's always in your face, especially now with social media and Instagram and you're looking at everything and it's just it's just not helping That women and men haven't felt insecure since the beginning of time. Yeah, like I was gonna say I think guys would yeah They some will stew over that but they would get over it eventually within a few days They're not gonna really bring it into the relationship, you know, because again, I think at the end of the day

They're really happy just to be with you. Yeah. And again, I'm speaking for all men. Right. Thank you. Whenever insecurity in a relationship comes up with clients that I'm working with, I always have them look at, is the insecurity in yourself or is it in the relationship? Right.

Because I think that's a very, very important distinction to make. Is he really doing anything that is giving you great pause and saying, wow, there's a problem here? It doesn't sound like from what she wrote. There it is. And so then that's really that's her work to do. You've got to do your work on your own insecurity and not project that onto him.

If you do, you will lose the relationship, because that's not sexy. Right, not sexy at all. It's really not. You don't want to get mad. Me nagging, oh, why do you have the picture? I mean, that is sabotaging it. So how would you work with her, for example? I think to really look at what is it bringing up in you, what, you know, I think you have

to get underneath that. And I think it's about her own body and security and working on loving her body. And I mean, and I think there's also a piece where she's afraid to let herself actually have the pleasure that she's having. And I think that people run from pleasure. They feel like the last guy, feeling guilty about pleasure. We feel guilty about feeling good.

We are meant to feel good. Pleasure is a gift from spirit, from the universe, from God, whatever you believe in. It is a gift. We are meant to feel good. Pleasure is a gift from spirit, from the universe, from God, you know, whatever you believe in. It is a gift. We are meant to feel that. I know. Why would you put something in the way? She talks about how she's so excited,

and she's thinking of him. I mean, awesome. It's our brains, our mouth. Focus on that. I can't be too happy. You're gonna have to push down. Right, oh yeah. How can I mess this up?

Yeah, exactly. So, you know, we all have that saboteur inside of us. Mm. Mm. And I'm here with my friend, Hernando, Dr. Chavez. Hello. Emily, hello. You're like playing my little co-host today.

I know, I mean, you're everyone. We kicked out manners. We're like, you know, he can't do anal, like you can. So I'm glad you're here because it is anal sex month, happy anal sex month. Every August, it comes around and the back door. And I thought no better person than Dr. Hernandez-Savez, who you're therapist, you see patients, clients,

what do you call them? Everything. Clients, and which I love that you do that. People come to see you for what would you say is the most common things people come to you for? I have a split practice so half of it is alternative sexuality. They can be fetishes, kinky into nomenogamy and in their half will be about sexual concerns so they might have couples issues intimacy difficulties. Maybe their penis is not cooperating like they'd like to or their vagina or vulva is not cooperating as well.

So it's just people who want to improve their sex life. That's great. I'm glad they can find it. You can also find hernando. It's Dr. Hernando Chavez.com, that's CHVES. Chavez. It'll also be on our website, Instagram and Twitter. Hernando underscore Chavez. So let's move into little anal sex because last year around this time, we were holding up in my apartment. That sounds so dirty. Your list gets you like,

what the hell are these two doing? This is. Hilarious. Clarified that. No, we were not having sex. We were not, no. Mind sex. But mind sex, we were mind f-ing each other,

but you can swear it's fine, but I try not to often. But we were, I was prepping for an anal sex workshop and her name is a lot of workshops and I was like, I'm just so much better working with you with someone when I wanted. We put together, you know, we talked a lot about anal. And you're an anal connoisseur. I'd have to say that that's my favorite coffee shop to go to. Yeah.

My favorite latte. Yeah, exactly. So yeah, I thought we could just do a little rundown here. If these are like common questions, people are really obsessed, a lot of people are kind of obsessed with anal sex too. And like want to know, what do you think like the appeal is?

Or are you so obsessed with it? Well, I think part of the appeal about anal sex is also because it's in that area of the butt. And I think there's a lot of, there's boob men, there's butt men, there's, you know, people who have different parts of the body. But when you're really into the ass, anal just makes sense. And so for a lot of people, especially Latin guys like myself or black guys or people of color, you know, different cultures, it just seems to be like this desire to want to engage with like the curvature and the hourglass sort of nature, you know, area of. Like he's like, he's like gripping an ass right now.

I was just talking. I was very sexy. He's like the ass, the ass, the ass. I'm like, wow. I'm making like melons in my hand. But and so I think that it, for people that physical arousal does transfer into a lot of their, their desires. And then also anal has this wonderful taboo sort of context

to it that really does, I think, get under people's skin and psychologically just get them excited and aroused because it because of the taboo Yeah, it's true and people always want to know like how do I do it better or they're afraid of it We're gonna be answering some emails about it But let's just break down some of the like the myths. Let's say or taboo's fears the butt is exit only not for pleasure You know we hear that like why do anal? fears, the butt is exit only not for pleasure. You know, we hear that, like, why do we know, you know, and you can have so many of the vagina

or it's not even a Roger's zone? Mm-hmm. Not true. Not true. For some people, they might be painful, they might be not in a Roger's zone, but for many, many it is. And I'm a lot of pleasure from it.

I think a lot of people never give it a chance. And they have it in their mindset already that, hey, this is not a place where I should go to, that the exit only sort of philosophy is what I live and stand by. And they don't even experiment and explore. And imagine if we just denied ourselves from trying out something that could be so enjoyable or pleasurable.

I always use the sushi metaphor. Like, how many of us did not want to try sushi that first time? Yeah, I didn't. Like, raw fish, are you kidding me? Like, no, I'm not eating that. Like, cook many of us did not want to try sushi that first time? Yeah, I didn't. Like, raw fish, are you kidding me? Like, no, I'm not eating that. Like, cook it, please. And then all of a sudden, how many times do you, uh,

go to sushi? If I could, I would eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yeah. I love sushi. What's your favorite? Favorite kind of sushi. I just like a good, like a good tuna roll. Like tuna, spicy tuna, tuna, or eel and avocado roll,

yellowtail, hamachi. Oh my god, I'm getting so hungry. What, it melts in your mouth? Tastes so good. That's what analiskey melts in your mouth. It's true, but people say, another is speaking of melting in your mouth. It's too dirty, it's messy, it's painful. To be sexy, people think.

But you know, no, it can be, you know, there's poop in there. They think, oh, we can't be sexy, but we're gonna tell them how it can be. Anal sex is only for gamea. And if you like it, that means that you're gay. People say that too. Not true. You're a straight man. I am.

You identify straight. I identify straight. And you like to play in your in your anal. I like it. Anast. Oh, with my partners and with myself. So for me, it's a it's a it's an area that has so many nerve endings. And it can be so like we said, taboo and arousing and pleasurable that we might

as well explore to see if we have compatibility with our partners from that area. And this whole idea that it's dirty or unhygenic, I mean, look, when we take a shower, when we cleanse ourselves, when we do a little bit of prep work, I mean, that's how our bodies work. And we can, you know, freshen them up to a, a, a, a, in my opinion, to a place where we can feel really

good about the sexual experiences and the sense and the tastes and the touches that we have. Right. How did you get into it? How did you, like, the first time you tried it? Were you with a partner or did you, with your owniness? Oh, because a lot of men, yeah, because I've always had a partner. Well, it doesn't, however, you first, because a lot of men that I think that's the biggest

thing I hear is guys are like, well, now I feel like men are starting to say I'm kind of curious, but I'm not really sure what to do. And all the things that doesn't make me gay, but they don't know how to even stimulate themselves. So I mean, I know you're a sex educator and a doctor and all that. You know, for myself, it was about a partner who just was mosing on around that area

and just started grazing in that region with their finger. And I thought, there was like a conflict I was experiencing. It was like, wow, it feels really good, but whoa, that's not like what I'm supposed to be feeling or it should be like in that. So I'm going back and forth kind of in my head. And you're kind of like, yes, more, no, please stop. And yes, no, more, please stop, you know.

Right. And I just found that, you know, once you get comfortable with somebody, and you want them. Was it a finger the first time? It wasn't even inside, it was just on the outside. Oh, right, the outside, because there are so many nerve endings

that can feel really good. Yeah, and a lot of people, a lot of women will play with your balls and they'll kind of like go a little bit south and then start playing with your pruning and then also you're like, wow, that does feel kind of good. And then there's just like this accidental grays on the anus and then you're like, you could do that again if you want.

Right. But you don't know how to say it, because you're like, right, because you don't want to communicate. So what did you say? We're like, do that again? Not the first time. No, I didn't say anything I just like put in a memory box. Right. You're like oh check. Yeah, okay good And then as we got you know, we got more educated and more experienced like all of some we realized oh there can be like Communication about this where we can incorporate some loop where we can actually like involve this and enjoy it

So it's it's a process. I know a lot of people listening, that first step is the hardest one and just being able to acknowledge it within yourself that this is a place where I can venture to explore. Exactly, men and women, it's true. Because a lot of women think that, you know, they don't like, you know, they think, they don't like anal sex,

they would never like it, or maybe they had a bad experience or it was really, really painful. Yeah, there's a lot of bad experiences. I know, the first time when they write it off forever, because you know, you didn't use use Lou, you weren't warmed up, someone just shoved it in. Like, no, that's not good.

That's why we're today. We're going to have to do it the right way. Do you want to hear about my first experience on me? Oh, yeah. So I was always fascinated by it with my first college girlfriend, and she would allow me to try, and I didn't know what I was doing. On her. On her.

OK. I had no clue what I was doing. I was the, I mean, literally, I was doing. On her. On her. Okay. I had no clue what I was doing. I was the, I mean, literally I was just put a done sat on me. I was the most uneducated, like worst anal sex experience ever. Right. I'm sure a lot of women cannot relate to what you're saying right now, right? And I didn't know.

I mean, I cared about her. I loved her. I didn't want to hurt her, but I didn't know I need a lube. So we would try these things with pans or body parts penises and no loop was involved and just I could only imagine the awful experiences She was having and it was just the two of us not knowing what we're doing right she didn't know to recommend it I didn't know what to write how would you know then right so once we were taking a shower and she was always a trooper She was always like trying and trying and we just never could get you know It couldn't emulate like what I'd see in porn and all of a sudden we're in the shower

And she was such a passive, submissive, sweet, sweet girl. And just she got this like rage inside of her as we were taking a shower together. She took her finger and she just jammed it up inside of me. And I was literally plastered up against the tile and I was just like my hands were spread and I was like, what the, you know, what the hell are you doing? I was like under her total control. I couldn't move.

I was like, and she says now you know how it feels. Oh my God. And I was like, whoa her total control, I couldn't move. I was like, and she says, now you know how it feels. Oh my God. And I was like, whoa, that's awful. So we didn't do it again after that. Wow, no, she did that just to show you, wow. She didn't know. Yeah, she did. That's the way to show it.

And in her, right, anyone goes right in like that. Oh, I heard like, oh. Dude, that's a good story. And then is that what turned you into sex doctor? You're like, I don't want to get this right. I don't want to finger up my head when I don't know. Okay, so let's say we're gonna have a prep, what you say?

Did you figure out what that, that's kind of killer. That's just like a drunken thing. She was like in the shower, premeditated. Like I'm gonna sphincter your butt. Wow. Yeah, so. Cause how would you know? Yeah, guys don't think about that.

And women, we don't know. We don't know. We don't know. But that's what we're gonna tell everyone. But it taught me a lot of like, she wasn't able to communicate that it was painful and I wasn't able to ask those questions. That's right.

We've all been there. That was like our non-use of words to say this hurts and let's take a break, let's stop. Because you kept trying. Yeah. You're like, I didn't know it was painful. I said funny that women, I've been there too, things have hurt and I was like,

I'm paying, but that's what you should always speak up if you're in pain and we're not in pain, you should speak up about everything about sex, which is what we talk a lot about in the show. So let's talk about the preparation, getting ready for anal sex. So people are like, is it dirty? Like, how do I wash that area? Do I need to, you know, do an animal, like, clear the runway? Like, what do you recommend?

Like, I say, you could do an animal if you wanted to. You know, you could not necessarily. You know, it's almost like some people say, well, I have to have a partner who takes a shower before we have sex and some people are like, I don't really care, like I like the way you smell and you know, it's a little bit of the day has gone by, like I'm okay with it. So everybody's got their own sort of hygienic needs. That's true.

But it should be talked about. We should get to know our partner's hygiene needs. And if playing in the A&S or playing in the rectum is part of like your desires, you want to bring that up and just find out, like, where how far should we go? Because we can make it squeaky, squeaky clean or we can just sort of ride the wave of in the moment and just acknowledge that it might get a little dirty, might get a little messy, but that could be okay. Right. Sex is messy. Sex can be messy. It's okay, but you know, just if you just want to do the basic, you can just shower clean your dynos beforehand

Use non irritating soap stick a little finger inside rinse, you know, just do that So I don't think that you yeah exactly Case by case basis decide how you feel about it and stick out for that Safety first condoms and very important Clean and trim her nana. You let me know that you trimmed your fingernails? Keith, I think you thought we were having, you know. I didn't know if this would be an experiential. Right, maybe.

We just started, so we'll say. So clean and trim fingernails, very important. Because I always think you should start with a finger. Yeah. And one mistake I made today is I didn't file my nails. I just went to the store. I know, dude, I'm sorry, I was going to do it, but you didn't file. Damn you.

Our most important starring role is Loub. Yes. Besides your finger, penis or toys. Loub, it makes any sexual experience more pleasurable. I just, you know how I feel about Loub, the wider the better. And the anal canal, that self lubricating, like the vagina can self-wale self lubricate,

the analis will not. Like you, like non-negotiable, you need lube during sex, but which lube is the best? You know, I found out how dry it was back in college and I never forgot that. And we've got it. And we've got, I think, you and I have had a great discussion earlier about,

what can we do to help line that rectum? Yes, let's talk about it. We wanna talk about that. Yeah, yeah, you show me some, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, you, Oh my god, we took some videos. I'm gonna save the ones I've been stamped out but like you came in here with a huge box of sex toys Butt plugs and he was like what did you say you're like what if I get hit rock and grocery and butt plugs went like flying cross-animetic Boulevard and I would have made others all over home. I would have laughed I mean I would saved you I would have come save you but then I would have just had to take pictures

But but plugs but you brought some cool stuff. just had to take pictures of the buttplugs. But you brought some cool stuff. Should we talk about some of the stuff happening with loop? Sure, sure. You know, so as you were saying, you know, the rectum doesn't self-lubricate like the vagina does. So we've got to take into consideration that the inside of the, of, of, during anal sex of the rectum is totally dry and that's where a lot of pain comes from people.

So what are we going to do about that? You know, sometimes I, something I call the squeegee effect is what a lot of pain comes from people. So what are we going to do about that? Sometimes something I call the squeegee effect is what a lot of people will do and it's one way to try to lubricate the rectum but it actually sometimes works against us or it doesn't work very well. And what I mean by that is imagine the person putting all this lubrication on the penis or on the dildo or the toy and they're going to have anal and they just like sort of insert it and the anus itself because it's closed and tight actually like squeegees a lot of that

lube off. So you're kind of inserting inside with very little lube, but you think you put a lot of lube off. Right because you did but it's only outside or most of it. Right so now we have what we have the lube shooter. Lube shooter. Do you recommend the lube shooter? I love them I think they're really valuable but it's not very sexy, especially if it's like a hookup or some way you're just sort of getting, you know, to be able to do it with. It literally looks like a water gun,

but you shoot the early go of shots. Like a syringe, like a syringe, right? You fill it up with a loob and you should go to insert your butt. Shoot your body. Shoot inside. But they have these new products. They have these new, like a gel,

sort of silicone capsules that you insert inside of the rectum and they actually dissolve It takes about 15 to 30 minutes and it it dissolves It keeps dissolving in the along that's really brilliant. It's like a lube suppository I think it's really you could use it for vaginal, but I think it's really beneficial for you could use a Vaginal as well obviously. Yeah, that makes sense too because it's true Yeah, you've got to always gotta be applied don't be ashamed to reapply Lube on every nightstand Emily, what do you think about water-based versus silicone? For anal or for anything in life.

I like them both. It depends what I'm doing. I like hybrid too. But I like silicone for using skin condoms, which are probably supreme. You don't have to worry about it as much. Silicone last longer, it's slippery, slippery, slippery, slippery, slippery.

Slippy? Is it slippery? Slippy. And last longer. It's the beer, slippery, slippery, slippery, slippery. Is it slippery? Slippy. Slippy. And last longer and you know, it could be a little harder to clean up, but I like it for anal. But yeah, what about you? I like silicone for anal for sure because definitely because the water-based absorbs more in the rectum because it is a water absorption canal.

So it will run out over time. So if you are a person who lasts longer or if it's kind of like, you know, it could dry up a little bit inside there, whereas the silicone would last a bit more. Personally, I've always liked a combination of different ones, but I'm kind of on this wicked ultra kick. That's my favorite loop right now for anal. And then for, if a partner is comfortable with vaginal cell phone use I like Uberlube these days. Yeah I like Uberlube I like Joe Lube I like Joe they make a bunch of different kinds of yeah it's great Luke too. Yeah like hybrids and so my god they sent us so much loop. I'm gonna send you home with some loop. Appreciate how about that and about

plug. Oh we did we gave you the the black pearl. Yes. The vibranx. Yeah so you're gonna try that tonight. Give me your call. Give me you the black pearl. Yes. The black pearl. Yes. So you're gonna try that tonight. Can we call? Can we be your guinea pig? But let's take a little attention we carry in our butt and why that's important to relax.

We walk around with tension in our butt. We do. And we don't breathe. We don't relax. And when we don't take breath, I mean, that's a lot of times we tense up or nervous. Like something's going in your hands for the first time or it could be the tenth time.

We're still gonna tense up if you're not sure. So you've got to really remember to like, to breathe. Right. And to like massage the anus and or it could be the 10th time, we're still gonna tense up if you're not sure. So you've got to really remember to breathe, and to massage the ainess, and to work up, don't just go right forward, even if you've got the lib, you've got the condoms, you've got to still work at for play, a pre-anel for play, very important. And it helps to be aroused. It helps if your aroused beforehand,

have a few orgasms beforehand. Oh, that's one of the best. That's right. The muscular release of one of the best. The, right. The muscular release of, of orgasm really relaxes people's butts. I mean, that's a wonderful way to get that sphincter muscle to just sort of like calm down, maybe be a little more inviting and, exactly, open their arms up and give us a big hug. Exactly.

Hug by your sphincter. Sphincter. Yeah. Like, what? What? A lot of people don't realize that our sphincter is we've got the internal and the external, so the outer and the inner is fincter.

And so, you know, we can control the outer one. That's the one that we can like squeeze and wink and fucker. I always wink people with my sphincter. It's very, yeah. You, anil winker. Yeah, I am. It's one of one skill. I can't wink really.

I literally don't know how to wink with my eyes, but I can wink with my ass. That's all that matters. Yeah. We had to pick one or the other. Right. You got the right one. Thanks.

Okay, we're going to take a quick break. I mean, have you checked out our incredible sponsors? We love them, and I know you will, too. We'll be right back. I hope you guys are enjoying the show. The next half features author and porn star legend Nina Hartley and sex educators, Sunny Megatron and Ken Mel Boynberg. I have an amazing woman sitting here in the studio with me.

Nina Hartley, hello. Hello. You do. Yeah, I love the clapping. That's amazing. She, Nina is, if you don't know, which I can't imagine because everyone knows who Nina is I feel American pornographic actor actress director sex educator feminist author you've been in how many films in Pat 900 900 films and you're still doing films absolutely at everything your activists

You've done so many things and I'm so in awe of your career and all the amazing things you've done and we're gonna talk about Sex tonight. I mean, sex with Emily. But if anyone I feel like I should, I know how about that. Even at awesome. I know. And we're going to get into the stuff, all the things that you've ever wanted to ask Nina and I feel like so many of my listeners, they need tips, they need advice like for keeping their relationships interesting and how to have a spicy sex life.

And I love oral sex tips. I always ask my guests and I feel like you would have really good oral sex tips for women and for men. So we're going to get into that, you know, sexy voice. And Anderson, are you paying attention? Are you Anderson or are you there? So I'm here with Anderson as well. And he's making everything run smoothly. I make things sound good.

You make things sound pretty. And you're not just a producer yourself. Make you sound pretty. That's just me and I just make sure that the levels are good. It's all like And you're not just a producer yourself. Make you sound pretty. That's the idea. And I just make sure the levels are good. So I like it. No, but you're doing good. OK, so Nina, I was like, Nina, I'm

like, there's so many things I need to talk about. And so I feel like, tell me what you're up to now. So oh, for, well, yeah, tell me what's going on in your life now that you're excited about. What do you look at? Nina.com, which is amazing. You have that URL. Right. Yeah, which is amazing you have that URL. Right.

Neenah.com is my pay site and it's triple X. I do need to, I've been doing this 32 years since I started dancing in 30 years and porn. And I am now old enough to have children in their 30s. But as I tell the young people with whom I work, you know, I'm old enough to have children in their 30s. But as I tell the young people with whom I work, you know, I'm old enough to be your mother, but I'm no one's mother, so it's not creepy. Right, exactly. So I have been working pretty more energy

into branching out just in terms of talking and teaching because I've been a feminist my whole life. And so I remember the early days of the conversation about pornography and sex and sexuality and sexual expression from the 70s and now I have 40 years perspective on how is that working for you. Right exactly. So I'm the age of a lot of young people's parents and so but I'm not a parent so they if I'm not Iki. Right. So I wanted to give back to the community. I want to talk to young adults about what I wish I hadn had known about sex when I was their

age. What is, so when you say young, you're talking about people in their 20s. I'm talking about, for me, 18 to 30. I could eat, I'm 54, I could easily have a 30 year old child without it being weird. And if I had a child, I'd go out to high school, that person would be 30. I do my favorite playmates were born the year I graduated high school and they're 35. It blows my mind, but I see them as peers because they don't. What do you mean you're playing mates, people that you play with have sex with?

Right, I am not a monogamous person and I'm also queer, so I have a large circle of poly, poly, bi, queer, non-monogamous, polymorphously perversed. Exactly. But I live, I live basically open lifestyle and what people get confused about who are not, why are these ways, they can use open with an archic, with like no rules at all. And what it really is, it's a kind of sexual orientation that works best when you keep it within people of your like orientation. So people with whom I play, and for me play

is almost always some kind of sexual intention. If not actual, genital contact. Are people who share my sexual values, my sexual outlook, most of my overlaps, sexual philosophy enough that we can cohabit the same space and share some kind of mutual good time. And I don't try to do that with people who's sexual values and boundaries. Don't mess with mine. And the biggest thing I could tell anybody as a young adult is figure out what, and this is what you can do alone while reading, you

don't even have to do with anybody. It's just something inside yourself. What do I seem to be? I'm strongly pulled toward monogamy. I'm strongly pulled toward nomenonogamy, but I feel guilty about it because of what I've been told. So, am I really monogamous in wanting a fantastical dream? Or am I actually a nomenonogamous person burdened with guilt?

Hmm. So, we have to investigate. Exactly. And, I don't know. So we have to investigate. Exactly. And on and on. So my playmates and they're 35 and they're born and they are graduated in high school. Like, get the S out of Dodge. Exactly.

But I feel more alive than ever. I wouldn't go back and be 35 again if you paid me because at 35 I was entering the most unhappy period of my first marriage. Okay. But I was craziest and most absolutely. So I've been unha we're as crazy as the most. Absolutely. I've been unhappily married. I'm happily married now.

And I have, I have insight I can impart to people. You know, and also the whole thing about personal responsibility. Stop feeling I said to victim. I'm sure you talk about that with people all the time. Yes. Feeling like a victim in their own life. You mean in their own. It becomes a sex.

Right. For me, poor me, and you know, pull up your big, pull up your big, big person panties. Right, exactly. And we're not talking about actually having been victimized obviously when I talk about violence. You know, but we're talking about where,

well you know, what you're doing, you're crazy, you're thinking about partners, you have this pattern that you act out again and again, you realize, and after the third time it is you. Exactly. What's the common denominator here? Oh, okay, it's me. I know, I after the third time it is you. Exactly. What's the common denominator here? Oh, okay, it's me. I know.

I fully blame myself for all of my mistakes now. I think it's so funny about my relationships. I'm like, oh, yeah, this is my pattern. And people don't stop, they don't stop looking themselves. But I think it's interesting. So you've been, have you always known that you were nonmonogamous or when you were in your mirror? Yeah.

And I never had a monocle with fantasy in my life. I always fantasized about them. I never fantasized about him. And I always felt strange about that. So when it comes to sex, I feel like Spock. I just never, and if you have friends who are very, very strongly gay, they'll tell you, oh, I knew from first grade. Oh, I knew since I was five years old. Oh, absolutely. And, and you know people like that. Yeah, absolutely. I am not. So my sexuality is as strong and in bread and born in me as their gayness, but because I didn't have language for it, I didn't know that had to do with or relational orientation. Right. Or because Polly is and monogamous,

except for from gay or kinky or bisexual. It says, how do you want to run your romantic life? And I'm very happy. I need a wide variety of people with whom I can be sexual. And I have a husband and people will say, Nina, if you're, why be married, if you're not going to be monogamous. And I say, well, my husband's my through partner. So all the sex I have is intentional.

We negotiate it. We are doing it deliberately. It's not because I've been got drunk. So each time I'm with someone that's a beautiful bead. Maybe this is a carved ivory bead. This is a marano glass bead or this is a Hopi Indian bead. And I string all those beads on the through relationship I have with my husband. And they for me that balances out. Right. And is he also, is he, does he see other people as well? Nothing seriously. I'm, I'm Pauli Amriss, he's non-monogamous. Okay. But the orientations work well enough that that we can, we can make it work. My, my primary,

when I got out of my first marriage, I knew that I would be single until I was dead and have cats and lovers before I would ever consent again I was dead and have cats and lovers before I would ever consent again to be with a possessive partner. I've been struggling with my guilt over wanting a non-possessive partner for so long. I'm struggling over my guilt about desiring multiple people because person A would get so hurt that I express an interest in person B because person A felt that my interest in person B therefore meant less for him or her. Right. And or you like B because you don't like me. You like B because I'm deficient. It's like no, I like A and B. And

there's enough for everyone. Right. From as a polyperson, A is A is A. Nothing else can be A and nothing else can be you and you can't they don't compete. Exactly. So I if there's a for example another slender attractive a accomplished intelligent young brunette woman over here um who can rock the the the plaid pants which I no longer bother trying to wear um and if there's someone who on the surface of it looked a lot like you I would not be confused because you're you and she would be her.

And so that so you vibrate the string in that harmonic resonance way and she and she can't pluck your string. Right exactly. Only you were jealous. And they're possessive. And so I totally understand. Do you think that there's a lot of people do find that would be non-minogamous or polyamorous if they could, but they don't even think that's an option because they have to.

And I was like, do you think really like a lot of people are, you know, it's just even out there. I think I think monogamy is an honest orientation. I think a solid 20% people are truly monogamous. One partner is all they want and they're devoted their whole lives and it's not a burden. And it really, it's what they are. They are it. They are it. Right. This is it. I it's what they are. They're not, they chose it. They are it.

This is it. I met your mother when we were 15, I fell in love and never looked at another woman's sentence. I've met enough couples like that to note that. For some people is true. And then there is 20% of the people like me who are fully acclimated to a functioning, healthy, non-monogamous relational style

and have a good partner and are okay with that. And the other 60% are struggling with some balance of it. So as not that I think more people would be non-monog, I think more people could be more open and fluid than are now if it were considered and a healthy option. Right now, you know, monogamy is the only thing that's healthy and normal, immature and respectful.

I would never put it up in my part. You let him do what? You let her do what? It's like not letting. Right. So clearly, I can't be with someone like you. And I tried that. I tried very hard.

I fail at monogamy. I completely hated it. I was, I ended up being a cheater. I ended up being a liar, I ended up withholding, it was crazy. But if what I really was why I want to strangle them, a people want to say, well, I don't want other parts, but I don't want my part and have anybody else. It's like, then you are too immature for this, you don't get to have the cookie. Because this is a two way street. Now, because in our culture,

people get stunted emotionally at very young ages around sexuality and pleasure. And what do I get to have in the world? And then they grow up to be big people, and they interact with another adult person, and then a trigger gets pushed all of a sudden they're again a very young child, and they don't want to have to deal with their stuff.

You have to do it first. I'm not going to it. It's like I thought I was dating a grown-up. Exactly. I kept waiting for the, to want kids and never, the joke now is that the factory they forgot to wind my biological flaw. Exactly. That's what I always say.

I don't have one. I don't have a lot of kids. I love them. I love them. But let's go back to your child. So you grew up in Berkeley, California, which I just moved to LA from San Francisco. So my heart is still in San Francisco. So what was the name of this? Go nine is growing up in Berkeley then. What were your parents like?

Well, my parents are totally alt. My father, my father was a blacklisted radio personality. So I grew up after he'd been black people when I asked people my car she got. And my mother, they had had a pretty modern marriage and my mother was going back to school to get her master's and she had a job too. And so I grew up in a very avant-garde female breadwinner, male home keeper, household, 20 years before that was popular. So that was very difficult for everybody. I'm sure it must have been. So I was I was the youngest and so I had a lot of time to myself to pursue my own interest.

My parents were all of the 60s deeply into therapy. All kind girl. I tell you everything. You got and in 1969 they found Zen Buddhism and started studying that seriously. In 1973 they quit my mother's career job and became full-time students. And my mother is a senior priest at the Zen Center in San Francisco. Oh she is, still is? Yeah, a lot. So yes, I was a lonely child. Yes, my parents feel very bad about that.

But the positive thing out of all of that is that they show by their example that their life have been upended by my father's blackness and the plan they have of themselves 65 miles an hour into the brick wall. And so they show me that you can, a person can cast about and find the best way to make an honorable and meaningful life for yourself, according to your own needs. And for a protoqueer kid who didn't know that word yet, it was very, very liberating because part of what they also looked at was sexuality. And then there was a feminist movement where I got all the some of the source material

because of these brand new ideas. And so there was before the anti-prinography feminist took over the whole branch of the whole being of feminism, but actually quite open discussion about sex worker rights and women's bodies. It's beautiful. It was this really great break. So it was very empowering that the thinking about, but I was younger enough that I wasn't fully an adult. I hadn't become an adult in that environment.

So I was reading people's projections on a utopian way of being around sexuality, young enough that I grew into it. And if I had a little more FUFing F, I would have not put up with some of what I put up with. I was a bit, I was a bit, I was quite codependent for a number of years. And so in my secret mind, I wanted to be braver like Betty Dotson in my real life. I just couldn't quite break that pattern until I finally did it 40. It's like, oh, I'm holding myself back.

Right. I'm excited for today's show. Hello, Sunny and Ken. Thanks for being here. Hi, thanks for having us on. It's awesome. We just met so we, Sunny and Ken are a dynamic duo sexologist. They have a show on showtime

Sex with Sunny Megatron. Yeah, you guys met a vet like we did we did my question I wanted to ask you guys met so we you both come you had already been Ken in in this world for many years Yeah, he like it was born kinky. I was I had it's a pro I started kink in the eighties I have you were like the pioneer now That's cool. So you were in the 80s. Were you just like timidly going on Fetlife because you hadn't really... Yeah, yeah. I actually didn't seem timid to me.

Well, you know, I was just exploring around. I actually met a couple of people on Craigslist and they're like, hey, there's a site Fetlife and so I was just slowly dipping my toes into the water, like all of the things that I imagined, and that my fantasies I touched myself to that I didn't really think people did in real life. I was like, there's a whole community.

I had no idea. So you weren't even, I mean, you didn't think I did in real life. So you just like, what were you watching porn? Were you like, the first exposure to Kink I had was the Anne Rice Beauty series. I read when I was 22 or something. Okay. And it was so dirty, but it was so hot.

And I thought seriously that me and Anne Rice were the only two people that had like a weird perverted dirty imagination. You like nobody else thinks this way. Right. Yeah. And I had no idea. No, I was completely naive. And then you were married?

Yes. You said for two. Yeah, well, long-term relationship. A, I was completely naive. And then you were married? Yes. Well, it was long-term relationship. A very long-term relationship. Yeah. Right, okay. And that was just like you were at the slump and you were just at nothing. So you had these fantasies still,

but you don't know how you weren't like the Wes went through. So I found my, I became single. The economy went into a slump. I got laid off for my job. So it was kind of the perfect opportunity to reinvent myself and boom, Metcun, here we are. Okay, so what happened to me? So you go on fat life looking for like what was it about Cun's like profile?

Well, he approached me first and he commented, I got courage enough to put a picture of my boobs on the internet, not my face, not my face. No face, no face, no face. Same time. Right. Right. It would never be so. And he was like, hey, nice boot.

And that was our first connection. And he seemed really, which is a boob. And that was our first connection. And he seemed really, which is a great thing. And that he says, you know, your love boob bigger than your right boob like that wouldn't be great. But nice boob is good. When I was a kid,

I have saggy grandma boobs. I was like, he likes my sag. I do. I do, I love them. I like natural boobs. And you know, I checked out his profile and he seemed smart and intelligent and good looking and witty,

except for he was into clown sex. And I was like, what? He seemed so normal. Like what is this dressing as a clown and having sex? And then as I got to know him, I guess are, we kind of melded in that way because to me, having silly sex, like you saw us with a unicorn mask. When you see 50 shades of gray, it's very serious.

Where I am the dumb, get down on her knees. I'm gonna punish you and I can't. I laugh. I'm like, are you kidding me? Are you serious? I can't. One of our first scenes together was she dressed, she used to do miming and she dressed up like a mime.

I was a clone and I was like chasing around and torturing her at an SNM party. And I couldn't talk. That was your first date. Tell her what her safe word was. My safe word was just like me doing jazz. Yeah, jazz. And it was fine.

And I was like, let's talk. She was tracking a box. No, that was our fourth or fifth date. This is a good time. Okay, got it. So this is your first date. I got into context. But you're like, what is that?

You dress like a clown, like you juggle. I look a little above. I do. And balloon bondage. That's one of the other things as I was really into balloon bondage. So I started off teaching rope bondage for many, many years. And so I took the kind of balloons, the real big skinny long ones that you do balloon

animals with. And I would learn how to make handcuffs. I would do a complete, like, mummification on somebody where I would start wrapping at their feet and go all the way up to the top of their head and put silly, kind of, like, big penis hats on them and then like make wrist or strains and then take a single tail a whip and I would like take off the balloons one at a time and it was just a lot of fun. So it sounds really scary and it's literally

just scary sounding because they pop and there's like when a balloon pops there's actually a sonic boom that's created. So it's just a little bit out. It's because the whip never heads you The only thing that happens is the balloon pops on your skin. So psychologically It sort of screws with your head a little bit, but it's not really gonna hurt you So you're so you guys are into BDSM, but not it's not a different way. I wasn't really I was interested in BDSM

But I didn't know that you could because I'm a we I laugh I'm a very humorous person I couldn't be serious and for me it was like oh my goodness Sex doesn't have to be serious. I was always afraid like my hair's gonna get messed up and my makeup's gonna Get messed up and I'm gonna have the fat rolls and my one boobs gonna be in my armpit and and Being a clown and having funny fun After she yeah after she met me. Yeah, after she met me. I realized it gave me permission to have my funny, silly, messy, laughy sex that I always wanted to have,

but I thought I had to be like the movies where it was so silly. But like in your laundry. Yeah, but it's exactly right. But you know what seriously, sex is funny. There's noises, people fart, there is all sorts of groans and moans. And it's okay. And it's okay to do that, yeah. Bad, I farted there is all sorts of groans and moans. And it's okay.

And it's okay to do that, yeah. And it's okay to do that, yeah. And it's bad, I farted, is the ever gonna call. And if he doesn't, he's not the guy for you. And he's the guy for you. Totally, totally. And it is messy. And if you want to be with someone who respects you, who's like into whatever, the period

happens, you know, that way. Right, absolutely. So, okay, so then, contacts, then he had you a contacts. And then what else, how else did you open up together? Would you say, you've always been into more kinkier stuff. So, what was the next? I started being a submissive for Ken, I started out that way.

I really tried and I realized it wasn't for her. Like, living in that way, you guys, like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you guys like, No, no, no, no, no, just in the bad germ, just in the bad germ. No, I can't live that way. But in the bad germ, I try bottoming and taking the spankings and he can be really sadistic and I have a high pain tolerance, but it just, I wasn't quite into it.

And then I realized like, I wanna be you. I wanna be the dominant one. And it was hard for me to embrace that, to be like, I'm in control in the bedroom because I've never played that role before. So we have an open relationship. I kind of became a co-pilot. Which was awesome because I let her know that you don't have to be in one category. You can try.

I was a submissive when I started off because I wanted to try all this stuff. So I know what it feels like to do to somebody else and with her, I said, you can totally be a top if you want. You can be the one in charge or you can be an evil assistant. And she can actually be more sadistic and funny than I can as the evil assistant. I love being the evil assistant because in order to be a dominant, and especially one that is sadistic as he is, it takes a lot of planning. And I am too busy, I have two kids, I am planning everything all the time. I don't want all that preparation and cleanup.

So he's in charge of all of the prep work. I just step in once like, who's asked you want me to hit? And it's perfect. And then how do you okay? So you guys are okay, back up. This is so interesting. So you're in open relationship. Yeah, you are married.

And we are, yeah, we're, we are married, but we have always been in an open relationship. In fact, I think it took us a year before we actually said, I love you to one another. And admitted we were a thing. Yeah, and then we moved in shortly thereafter. Like in her and the girls moved in

and now we're just a big happy family. Okay, so you kids, they know that you're in an open relationship and they know what's going on. You know, we don't really talk about that with them. My older one is in college. She's going into her second year in college. She knows. I mean, I've talked about it when we were dating,

but she isn't really like, so mom, were you going Friday night or anything? We don't. You know, that's a really good question, but like the thing that I think my kids could be 50 years old and I don't think I'd talk about my sex life to that. Because they're your kids. You just don't.

Right. Right. I got it. Okay. So you guys, how do you find your, so is it constant? Like, there's obviously times you're just the two of you, but is it usually like every weekend you have a new person? Are you guys just separately?

No. It's actually very rare. It's actually very rare. And it's funny because we were talking about the more that we date other people. And it's more on a casual basis. It's not like, we want to meet a third partner in all of that. No, yeah, we don't want to meet them in all of that. No, we don't want to. We don't want to.

It's just for fun. And the more that we did other people, the more we realized what a pain in the ass other people are, and that we like each other. Oh, that's kind of good. Yeah. I think that's healthy in a way. You're like, I want to go out there and then I'm like, oh, come on. It satisfies our curiosity.

Yeah, satisfies our curiosity. And it's immense the fact like, I don't want to put up with anybody else's BS, but his BS. Yeah. Yeah. And it's interesting because having an open relationship for us, like I have the older I get, the more I have younger women that are attracted to me because they have sort of a daddy in the daddy thing you're going on. Yes, I am a delf.

And one of the issues that we had is that the more the younger girls were attracted to me, the more I was sort of bored them, because it took the, like having an open relationship in a way takes the nautiness out of it, because I have permission and license to do almost anything I want. And that actually makes it less naughty, believe it or not. And so,

So that's how people like to cheat, like wow. Yeah, no, totally, but we have an open relationship. You know, there's times when I do hook up with somebody, it might be like three in the morning, I'm at a party or a social event and usually work together 90% of the time. But if I'm alone, I'll color up and say, Hey, this girl wants to give me a blow job. Is that okay? And she says, Yeah, I have good sex. I'm going to bed. Seriously, so okay. This is how it works. So, so you couldn't just get the blow

job. Like that's because every person, every couple in open relationship has to make their own rules. Right. Right. So you're like, hold on babe, they're like, your pants, many of you're like, I just got a call and then check in. Yeah. No, I don't know anything until I get permission from her first. Do you ever say no, Sunny? No.

Not yet. No, you know, we have veto power and I reserve that for just, you know, if someone gives me a really bad vibe or, but I haven't really had that, you know, sometimes I'm like, oh god, she's a flake, you know, this is going to last a week. Oh yeah, it's basically she could do the odds in Vegas for the relationship status I have with other people. She's like, this one's gonna take about three weeks and she's usually right. That's great. And, and oftentimes, you know, when we say hook up, it doesn't have to be anything sexual. It could purely be just like a BDSM thing. Like,

I want you to vlog me, I want you to kind of mess with my mind and there's not sex involved. Do you ever just have like vanilla sex though, some nights? Most of the time. It's like, it's a lot of work to like do all the prep and then set it up, right? Yeah, it is. It's funny though, because sometimes it's in prompt,

we had. And that's the things that you normalize. Yeah, everyone wants to know if they're normal, take a fine, turn you on, you're like, everything's good, you know? And the thing is, you know, with, from the most bizarre to the most mundane type of sex that we show on the show, it's basically if you break all of those things down to their basic common denominator, you know, I want to feel connected to my partner,

or I want to feel uninhibited, not like I have to be perfect, or, you know, I want to, if someone wants to be, let's say, controlled and they're submissive. It's because when I, when I'm being controlled, I feel loved and like somebody cares about me. So when you break it down to the basic need or the basic feeling, these things aren't so weird. We're all looking for the same things. They just manifest differently for whoever is into whatever.

Right, thank you all. Thank you to my amazing team here. Thank you Shannon and Jenny and Jamie. And thank you to Ken, producer, Lark and Michael and thanks everyone for subscribing to the show on iTunes and reviewing it. We love that and thanks everyone for listening. It was a good for you. Text Ask Emily to 7979. you