Sex With Emily - Sexts, Your Ex & Pleasure Tests

Episode Date: March 5, 2020

On today's show, Dr. Emily is talking about what happens to your body when you run into an ex and a few reasons why people sext. Plus, she’s answering your sex & relationship questions. She reveals why running into an ex causes you to go into fight or flight mode, reasons why people sext – and it’s not just because they’re horny, and what to do when you’ve gotten out of a sexless marriage and you ready for your sexual awakening. Plus, how to handle it when your partner thinks masturbation is gross.Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm talking about what happens to your body when you run into an ex and a few reasons my people sexed. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, while I running into an ex causes you to go into fight or flight mode. Reasons people sex, and it's not just because they're horny. So you discovered masturbation, but your partner thinks it's gross how to move forward. And you got out of a sexless marriage, so where do you start getting your needs met? All this and more, thanks for listening. Sacred institutions, bed-roof eyes, they call them in a bike on day. Hey, Aveline, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute.

The girls got a hair standard, oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so dumb. Being bad feels pretty good.

But you know, Aveline's not the kind of girl you just play with. I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure I'm sure and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. Check out our blog posts. You're gonna love our site, find us on all social media. It is sex family across the board. Intentions with Emily. Okay, for each show, join me in setting an intention. So what I mean by this is, right now, when you're listening,

what do you wanna get out of this episode? How might it help you? It could be, oh my God, I freak out. If I know I'm gonna run into an X and I wanna know why, or it could be my partner loves sexting and I'm not into it. Maybe there are reasons I just don't understand. My intention gave you some science behind why X is

in sexting my Strikas in a certain way and possibly changing your perspectives on both. Enjoy the show. What happens to your body when you run into your X? Which I love this, because in reading this, I started thinking about all the times I've run into X's and I actually started to get the same fight or flight response. Essentially, you run into an X and your body doesn't know the difference between running into an X or a bear. Essentially, when you recognize, I saw my X. Oh my God, that's what happens. Like, you get your increased heart rate and you get you sweat and you get stomach cramps, like tight, like there's a bear.

Like, fight or flight. We can't even explain it. That's what happens initially. You're like, I don't know what's happening, but I'm sweating and running from the bear. That's what happens. It's visceral. Yeah. About visceral reaction to seeing your ex.

Whether it's good or bad, I mean thing. Sometimes you're like, oh my god, my ex, I love them still. Or otherwise, you're wearing no makeup and you're a wagre and you're like, fuck. That's usually what happens. Unfortunately, the world has them. It's in shower. Yeah, finicky way of doing that. They're just like, hey, by the way, you look like crap.

So let me send you your ex that you're still in love with or your crush. Either one. It's all bad, right? So what you can do is when you run into your ex, this is our sex and the news thing, if you decide to take a deep breath, reframe it, just relax a bit, put a smile on, and then face your ex with confidence. Easier said than done. I don't know.

Do you guys have any funny times you ran into your ex? Was it helpful? Did you get back together? Any good ex stories? I feel like I have run into exes, but in recent years I've known, like, oh, I'm going to this party

and I know he's gonna be there or something. But man, I've had some times where I'm still, into someone and I've run into them and yeah, I feel that like nervousness and like excitement and maybe some like, I don't know attraction, you know, I still want to sleep with them. Or they're with a new person, a new girlfriend. That's the worst. That's the worst.

I had a dream the other night. This is remember, I'm reminded of this now. So I'm an ex, an ex from a while ago, funny funny enough like in a long time ago ex, but I I felt he was in front of me It's some dark dark like concert and all I saw was his but I knew was him and the silhouette of another woman Tall blonde opposite of me Mmm And then he turned her and they held hands and I saw her long legs I was like It hurt the look me up.

Wasn't even next that I think about. So there is something to that. Oh wow. I know. But then I was thinking like back at now, you kind of know with like being so connected in social media, you kind of know where people are going. And but I remember having a boyfriend like in,

I don't know, I like took so, so before phones and shit. Before cell phones, before the phones. Alexander Graham Bell. I am found. No, before that, but it was, my friends would, my friends would run into them. I'd be like, they'd run into my ex and literally back in the 90s,

we're saying if they ran into an ex, and my roommate wants to run into my ex boyfriend who I was in love with. Be broke up, you're so in love. And then I don't remember. He didn't trust me or something, or I didn't trust him. One of those.

He drank too much. Anyway, she said, I ran into him. And I was like, literally, you're like, because you didn't know it, no one's seen him in months, I'm like, tell me everything. Like, what was he wearing? What he said?

Did he ask about me? Like, was he wearing socks? Like, I would ask, what color socks you'd want to know everything and you'd grill them because no one had seen them, no one had heard from them in months. Now you're like, I have another Instagram, I know what they wore yesterday

and what they had for lunch on Tuesday. Yeah, I or you're also like, sometimes, maybe if they don't have social media presence or they, you block them or whatever, and then someone does run into them, you're just like, you don't want them to not be doing well, but you just want them to just be doing a little bit less well than you. Exactly.

You're just like, I want all the best for you as long as it's not better than what I'm doing. Right, exactly. Like, you didn't lose your job, but you got a demotion. Exactly. I kind of want you to be broke. I don't want you to be broke. I don't want you to be like, but things aren't going so well.

They kicked you out of the corner office. You now have a cubby. Just some, little bit less, little bit less good than I'm doing now. And then your friends are always like, oh, he didn't look good. He looked really sad. Like, you missed you.

Like, your girlfriends, you were like, your butt, you know, they're like, no, he didn't look at it. Yeah, regardless of actually how he looked. Exactly, you were like, your butt, you know, they're like, no, he didn't look at you. Yeah, regardless of actually how he looked. Exactly, I'm like, just tell me. Like what a good friend will never be like, oh, he looks great, he looks so much, he got into shape, he looks so much better. Right, exactly.

Yeah, the problem has been now you know, like you see on social media that they rent, they were saying on Instagram, oh, look, look, they're in shape. Now you wait to get in shape. Like you wouldn't exercise with me and then you go off an old thing or like, I remember another accident recent years,

it must have been like in the last 10 years because it was on Facebook. And I remember one of my issues with him was that we never traveled. And I was like, I wanna go away and I wanna do things. And then I remember like, I don't know a year later, it was like he'd be like in Mexico, Barbados,

like Boston, like with this new girl like never traveled with me All right, let's talk to Chris 45 in Chicago because he has a story about running into his axe. Hey Chris. What's going on? Thanks for calling what happened? Hey, hi. Hey, my story is a tap it difference, but yes Oh, my story is a tapet difference, but yes. I was recently divorced maybe about five, what we'll say about five years ago. And I was at hooters of all places. And the waiters was taking me to a table. And I actually see my ex-wife for the first time

at a table with another man. and she was going to sit me right next to them. Oh. And we were just. Oh, who did? The first we kids. Yes. Wow.

And I don't mind eating out by myself. So I go out by myself all the time. So she was sitting and I told the waitress. I said, I don't know about that table right there because that's my ex-wife and this is my first time ever seeing her out with someone else. Wow, I'm getting anxious. I just had bear. Okay.

Well, the waitress, she was man very accommodating and said I'm sorry and I just sat at the bar, but from that experience, all the waitresses came up to me and was like, I'm so sorry to hear about the divorce and they were really attentive to me. Oh, what a great place for this to happen at tutors, where they're really like, that's their job to be attentive, as well as give you even more attention. Even more so like six of them came over, right? They were coming up to me saying, don't worry, there's girls in here who would love to date you and I'm sorry that you went through that. They were filling that for me, but I was far removed from the divorce. They thought it had just just had no. And what's funny about this story is, you know, they, I had two

of the huda girls wanting to give me their number and yeah, sounds like it. Okay. I can use this anytime I go to a different restaurant. If I see a couple there, I can say, Hey, that's my ex why I'm not comfortable with. And what they do, they're so append of it. So like,y. I'm not comfortable with clean and what they do is they're so attentive and so like Oh, I'm sorry and they are willing to give me their number because of that Wait, Chris you've used it since then you've used it since then well, it worked that night

So I'm afraid I did use it again. No Chris. I think this is this is really innovative I actually I actually like the story. I mean, I actually like that you've done that because why not? Have you gone out with any of you met some nice women? Absolutely because of that. I mean, I really did run into my ex-wife at a hooter with someone else. And how a ten if they was afterwards, when I went to to the bar I didn't leave the hooters I just went to the bar because I was doing some work some some business gotcha and I said at the bar and they were really a

yeah no Chris thank you all the women came up to me say oh I'm so I got you Chris it's awesome thanks for con Chris that's like a minute me okay so wait so that is great if it worked for your once, why wouldn't it work for you again? Right? Yes. Two of all places. So then he's, he's saying that he got some pity, some empathy from the waitresses and he sounds like he's probably a cute guy.

Well, and then it worked once. I feel like before it used to be, when you were got divorced, it was like, oh, you couldn't make some marriage work. But now I feel like when it's, oh, you've been divorced, it was like, oh, you couldn't make some marriage work. But now I feel like when it's, oh, you've been divorced, that means you are marriage material because you were married before. Exactly. They're like, oh, eligible bachelor,

like he's already done it, he's a man, he's a man who can commit. Exactly. Yeah, I'm gonna bring him extra fries. What do you get of hooters, extra? Wings, you can. Wings. I have such like a bad memory of Hooters extra wings? You can go wings. I have I have such like a bad memory of Hooters.

Only because the first time I ever got broken up with when I was 15 years old and it was a terrible atrocious breakup. In fact, Emily, you helped me realize that it was a traumatic breakup. Yeah. Cause he straight up like ran away. I'm not going to get into the whole story. But we ended up meeting up with my friends at Ho hooters right after and I'm just sobbing I'm just sobbing hysterically because I'm so upset and we're in hooters and I was like and it's so hot in here

They have the heater all the way up And the wings the wings aren't even tasting good right now And the wings aren't even tasting good right now. Oh my God. Oh my God. My little Jamie. Why hooters? Like, first of all, I don't even know what I guess in LA. Is there hooters around here?

Oh, because it was in by the mall. Oh, by the mall. Yeah. Oh, Jamie. I was a hooter and speaking of hooters, I think everyone's got a hooter story. Yeah. I actually, I don't know if I've been in hooters,

but I was, for two years or a while, I was at hooters for Halloween. Hooters, waitress, hooters, check. Is that common? I think that's a common one. I think so. I think that's like the 90s. I had orange shorts, orange little shorts in the shirt.

Anyway. All right, guys, you can call us 888-947-827-7, some more sex in the news. Okay. What else do I want here? Okay, two thirds of people who sexed their partners, they don't want sex as the end goal. What that?

Researchers found that sexters could be grouped into three categories, people who sexed it for fun, that also resulted in sex. That's 58 people. People who sexed it to feel more attached to their partner. That's 54 people, which I think is common. Like, I feel like it's just a way, rathering how it's your day. You're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're just like, you're positive body image reinforcement or another non-sex reward. 48 people said that.

So essentially, sexting isn't a tool that's for signaling an interest in sex, but one for covertly communicating non-sexual relationship patterns. That's interesting. And I like the body image one. Like, so maybe you're like, you just want him to tell you want him to be like, tell me what you love my body or them desiring you makes you feel like, you know, know that they're into your body or maybe you start sexting like, you know, I can't wait to suck you.

And then back to like, I love your tits or something. Yeah. Whatever they say. No, but I'm with those people say, I think it's a nice ego booster. Exactly. When you send it, especially when, have you ever sent it like a text and you just know even before you send it, you're like, this is such a hot text. And that all you get back is damn. That's all you get back.

That's how you know it's an amazing text. They're just stunned. Yeah, those are, that's great. Do you remember the last one you sent that said that? And could you read it for the listeners and myself? I do remember. I can't bring it up because I don't know where it is. I'm just saying it would be inspiring because I remember the gist of what it said. People get sex questions all the time. How do you sex? So Jamie had one that got damn.

So I was like before bed one time and I knew that my boyfriend at the time was out at a bar and I was just like, I texted him and I was like, oh, I'm thinking about you right now. And he's just go, what are you thinking about? And so then I was like, well, I was just thinking about how the next time that I see you, I want you to, I want to make out with you so hard. And then I want you to push me down.

And I want you to grab my hair and your fist And make me suck your dick, but very very slow and then when you can't take it anymore I want you to throw me down on the bed and fuck me. Oh damn and he just that's all he said He's like damn and then the next text was like noted happening And then the next time we met up we went to dinner and that's what happened afterwards There you go bravo Jamie bravo. You got Bravo. That's how you get what you want in bed. That's how you get it. It was daunting. It's like weird too because you have that moment right before you send it. You're like, oh my god, but what if I send it and he's just like, doesn't respond? I guess the worst.

He's just like, I don't want to do that. Or like, I don't want to do that. Or like, I don't know. He was like, um, yeah, anything like a, are like, oh, funny or, uh, right. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. LOL. I don't know. I just stopped with the crying emoji to laughing crying. Oh, the laughing crying. Laughing crying emoji. They just laughed at your sex. But see, this is what I'm telling you. Or they just said, you know, one, they sent you what I'm telling you. Or they just said you had one. Right. They sent you like a dinosaur and you're just like, I don't even know what that means. Exactly. Yeah, you two Bay were telling you they didn't read it.

Thanks. Excellent point. But you know what I love about this and I think this is great tip. If you want to get your loving on, what I think is interesting is that people are always saying, how do I sex? What do I ask for? How do I talk dirty? And I'm always saying, like, well, ask for something that you want.

Like that's why dirty talk or like phone sex or sex thing is cool because you literally can state specifically what you're looking for or what's hot to you in a text. And you don't have to be at face to face eye contact because that might have been harder to say. Oh yeah, would have been. But you're like, I'm just sending it.

And it's about, so it's like, it's turning them on and then you're be able to stay like bam. This is my fantasy and you're in it, buddy. So, let's make this should happen. Yeah, I am. It would have been really hard to like make eye contact and say that. Right, I agree.

Then you have to have this, you have to have the cadence. Cause obviously, I wouldn't have said it in the way that I relate it to you all here now. Right. Right. But also, it's like then you have to put an effort. Yeah. It's so much easier.

This is where I, okay, this goes in the pro column for technology and text for texting. Yes. We should have a pros and cons list. We should. Because mostly I just think it's sucking up our time and our lives and our attention and our focus and our ability to connect with others being attached to our phone. 100? But if it means that you get your fantasies met by your partner, you can have more orgasms

and figure out what you want. That's a pro. We're going to take a quick break and we come back when you get on to your calls. Okay, we have Latoya 35 in North Carolina who wants to talk about masturbation. Hey Latoya, thanks for calling. Welcome to the masturbation conversation. Hi. Hi. So how are you guys?

Good. So I listen to you guys every day. Well, just about every day whenever I'm driving, which is like every of the day I love it. But anyway, so like I just masturbated for the first time like a couple of months ago. I've been married to my husband for ten years and he doesn't like that, but I travel a lot. And so one night I was traveling and I was horny and I was like, okay, and I just did it. And I love it. And now I'm like into all the different toys and stuff, but he doesn't

know because he's not really, I don't know, he's not open minded with it. Like I tried it and he's just like, it's gross, but I like it. Ah, Latoya, I'm well, I'm so glad that you called in about this. Do you know what he, yeah, I mean, so I feel like first of all, I'm love that you're 35 years old and you just discovered it, you've got a whole life ahead of you now. But I think that it might be a good idea to have a conversation with your husband

and let him know that it's healthy, you're gonna continue doing it because it is nothing to be shameful about. It's actually gonna enhance your ability to have pleasure with him and with yourself and it's gonna make you, know, it helps with your mood it helps with you know It has a lot of healing properties to it having orgasms So it might be interesting to get curious and ask them well, you know What is it that he thinks is so wrong about it? Because I don't want you have to hide it

I don't have so many he just says it's gross like we both come from we're both from like church families like my father was a preacher and then like we grew up in the same church so it was really strict on both ends but he says it's gross and actually I actually orgasms for the first time, like all this time I thought you know like you would, whenever we do it is like wet down there is something and I'mm, but I never I realized I never orgasm. Until two weeks ago, so you said this is like a couple months ago. A couple months ago you said to I'm okay, I mean the toya, this is amazing.

I'm so happy for you. So have you let your have you let your husband know this that you actually had your first real orgasm? I hate it. Okay, so he's having told me. But what I do is, is like, let me see if I know that we're gonna get intimate, like I actually masturbate first,

and then absolutely. Huh, okay. What I think would be cool is to have a conversation with him about your sex life, you know, outside the bedroom, you listen to the show every night, and just say, you know what, I've been thinking about this,

and I really think that it would be so great to have a conversation about our sex life, because actually I told you I masturbated, and I just like you to listen to what I have to say here, and it actually feels really good, and I realized it was actually, I didn't know what orgasm was, and it was the first time, and I actually don't think it's gross.

I think it's actually makes me want to be with you more. And I'd love to show you what I learned. And, you know, I just, I think it's going to be a series of several conversations, because in my head, I want you to be like, look what I learned. Let's do mutual masturbation. Let's get it on. But I think this is a lifetime of wiring.

And, you know, from his childhood, an upbringing that it's gross. And I understand that. I understand, I hear, we hear this all the time. but Latora, you wouldn't you love to be able to share this with him? Yes, I would. So I need to be more open minded. Yeah, so I think, how do you feel about having a series of conversations with them about it without shaming him and without judging him, but just saying I need you to hear this and maybe you guys can listen to this show together. A lot of couples do, they listen together. And it kind of, it helps them, you know,

educate both of them, kind of blame me. Yeah, well, maybe I'll do that because I'll be back in town tomorrow. Awesome, Latoya. I think this is great. Congratulations. You're starting on a whole new journey right now. Yeah, thank you for sharing this, Latoya.

Keep us posted, we're here every night. I want to hear from you. I'm not going to forget this, Latoya. I'm not going to forget this call. Well, amazing, you guys. 35 years old wasn't sure that, you know, she listens to show every night. You know, I mean, that was a little bit of inspiration. I hope you guys listening to people actually talk about sex is your first step towards actually improving your sex life and having better sex. So how can I help you with that? Let's talk to John. 54 New York. He wants to talk about infidelity. Hey John,

thanks for calling. Hi, how are you? Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. Great. We have three kids, two of which are special needs. And my wife had an affair with our next door neighbors across the street who were very, very close friends with that everything together, spent a lot of time together. And she had an affair with my friend or woman's husband across the street. And not for a while, we had confronted them, the wife and I had confronted them and they denied it. And then two years later, we finally confirmed that it happened.

And obviously she had denied it. And I thought we were in a very good relationship. You know, sexually we were pretty active. And there wasn't any hesitancy in terms of sex life. But she then started to have a pair of other people as well, until which were women. One was another neighbor, and the woman's husband was involved with watching them. And the only way I came across it was finding pictures that she was saving and then sending to this other husband next door and

it was kind of like this really weird cycle of what was going on and I had really I had really followed what was going on I documented everything I took I took pictures of her phone and had pictures so I had the proof of it and when I finally confronted her on all of it, she did it again. And then all of the stuff that I had, all the notes that I had taken down and all the things that I kind of are bringing inside, I finally opened up and let it all out.

And I just haven't really dealt with it real well. I've spent a couple of years now. We're still together. Oh wow. Oh, okay, John, to context you. Okay, so you've been together for a lot a while and this happened a few years ago Yeah, and you're still living together is she still cheating? I don't know I don't think so the way I used to be able to You know find out ways of how if she was the way I could you know the tracker phone and looking her phone and

Yeah stuff whether it was through Facebook or something. Well, John, if you guys go on to therapy because here's the thing. If you're asking me how to get over how to repeat, listen, in fidelity and when couples go through this and they break trust, you have to go to therapy to rebuild it. It takes a lot of work. It doesn't come back because time is passing. It doesn't get easier. It gets harder, which sounds like that's where you're at.

You've been able to keep busy, keep your head nose down, whatever. But this is therapy, and you both have to go and rebuild the trust, or it's not gonna work. Yeah, I went myself. She went initially, and we never did go together, but we did go stuff. She will, will she go together?

She's not, you know, once, just even like when I confronted her on what was going on, she, you know, she completely shut down. And we really haven't even talked about a lot of it since it's going on. In two years. So you found out all this cheating happened two years ago. You presented her with all the data. She's like, that didn't really happen. And now you guys are still sharing a bed and going about business as usual. Yeah. How are you doing

that, John? Really? That's not easy. It's difficult. I really do it to my family. Yeah. Like, right. And you know, keeps the normalcy with them. And you know, it's kind of like Irish guilt. You know, you can live with it forever. Just one of that doesn't affect any kind of guilt. Yeah, I know that. Well, I think we have a little bit guilt. I'm not Irish, but I get it. John, so, but what I'm saying, I feel like you shouldn't suffer though.

Like I feel like you are tough and you're been strong here and maybe some ways you blame yourself. I don't know what you do in your head to make this okay, but I don't want, you know, you should be having a, you know, loving, your kids can feel it too. Like, I know this whole thing staying together for the kids to keep normalcy, but I'm telling you, if mommy and daddy aren't getting along or there's tension, they feel that without you saying a word.

So it's not healthy. Yeah. Yeah, it doesn't, you know, it isn't that way. And I can just another add it on top. We have an ad sex that's happened. All of the, all the all the information that I had and all that data I collected she destroyed and you know when we were having sex even though I knew what was going on it was just

different because she was different in having sex with me then she probably would have been and that she I know she was in the past and and I could tell she was different she was doing different things, she was reacting to me. Right. Well, John, we know she cheated. We know this is all true. So what are you going to do about it now? Like, do you guys share a bed? We do. Okay. I mean, are you asking me like, would you like to have your wife back to how things were and you want to have sex with her again? You know, recreate that intimacy and connect again? Is that what you want? Yeah. I think that's why I'm still here.

Right. I just don't know how to approach it, just because she is so standoffish about when you can front her on, she just shuts down. Right, but what are you afraid of, John, right now? Like what do you have to lose by just being like, listen, I love us. I love our relationship. I want to make it work. We can let that stuff go. I for the sake of our marriage and our relationship, I want to make it work. We can let that stuff go. I for the sake of our marriage and our family, let's go to marriage counselor once a week for the next month,

at least try that out. Three months actually is what you'll need to really feel something, but a month could work. I mean, John, you have to. There's literally no other choice. And I feel like she's somehow instilled the fear of God in you. Are you feel bad about something? But you, this is John, this is about you and being a good parent because it's about the mental health of your home. So therapy is, is not an optional activity right now with what you've been through. And with what you do with your children, you will lock going on in that house. And I'm sorry, my heart is like so open for you and goes out to you because it's like not easy. And you're taking the weight of the world on John. So I just need you to find a good therapist

and make it happen. However, you can. That's the, that on John, so I just need you to find a good therapist and make it happen, however you can. That's the solution. I don't care what she says. Really, you gotta keep doing it, John. You know how to talk, door. You can do it too, and you'll feel good about this. You'll least make some movement or if she won't do it, then you can't stay with her.

I just don't wanna make it worse than it is. I mean, it's not that, now it really is. But because you're walking around, yeah, but John, you know, you're suffering. That's no way to live with someone. You're you're walking around, yeah, but John, you know you're suffering. That's no way to live with someone, you're searing a bad, you're not having sex, you're not talking about this huge reach of trust in your marriage that happened several times

where you're probably feeling humiliated and it's your neighbors and you still live there and you're walking around taking the brunt of it every single day and you are suffering deeply in ways that I don't think you even know yet. I think it's okay if she gets angry right now. Like I feel like, I don't know, John, I feel like, I mean, you get to decide you've been living

how you're living, but I think that therapy is not, especially with what you're dealing with kid. Yeah, I gotta go to therapy. John, let me know how it goes. I'll be here. Thank you for calling, John, for thinking about you. And I talked about this earlier in the show that usually there's one person who wants to work on it

and go to therapy and talk and improve. And like, let's get through these struggles we have around money or sex or the kids. And then there's one that's like, no, we're cool. I'm good, I'm busy. Therapies for losers, therapies for sick people, whatever they say and they don't wanna work. And this is the problem.

What do you got to lose? It's like literally you go once a week with your partner for an hour. Like, so you don't watch Netflix for an hour. You get to lose. It's like literally you go once a week with your partner for an hour. Like so you don't watch Netflix for an hour. You get off Instagram. I can be average, purses on it like 53 minutes a day. Do you know what that could do for your mental health?

If you go once a week, even for a month, you're gonna see you guys. It's really is. Every couple needs it. I don't think the people really understand what it does. I'm not gonna get into it now. We've talked about a lot, but like just believe me, it'll now. We've talked about it a lot, but just leave me.

It'll help. We have Penny 54 in Texas. She wants to know how to transition from a sex site into a dating site. Penny, I'm so curious about this. Tell me more. Okay. So for the last four years, I have... So I've been in a sex list marriage for about ten years.

And about four years ago, when I turned 50, I decided I should be having sex. And if my husband didn't want to have it with me, then I should have it with somebody else. So some friends recommended some sex sites. And so I went on them. And I've had a lot of fun. But now I'm going to a divorce, not because of this, for other reasons, obviously, but I'm going through a divorce. And so now I'm looking to have a real relationship, but I'm finding it hard to go find a real relationship and meet somebody without wanting to, of course, inquire about their sex life first.

Yeah, of course. I mean, yeah, Penny. Okay, so first. Yeah, of course. I mean, yeah, Penny. This, okay, so first of all, okay. So what, I'm just curious with the sex sites that you were on. What are those sex sites? Because I want to understand,

maybe you could tell me more about how it, how it worked. Like was it just like this is what I want at this time and there was no emotional attachments anybody? So when I first started going on it, of course there was emotional attachment that that was like scaring the men off or whatever because obviously they were in it for sex and I was

in it to try to find something else. So then I turned my emotions off and then it just became a physical thing. Okay. And that was satisfying to you. So now it's satisfying to me. Right. Okay. Well, and then so now you just want to go to regular little day I think this is such a great question, Penny because I believe that we need to figure out if we are sexually compatible With someone that's even more important than like finding out if you like the same music or you like the same movies or you know

You know, you values are important. We both value family. Do we value health? I mean that stuff is important But sex something that we just never talk about. We think we're just gonna figure it out. So I think that it's sort of like, you know, when you go out with someone, I think how do you usually do it now? Like do you just meet them out for a date

or do you talk on the phone? Well, so that's a problem. That I haven't actually met anybody from the legitimate sites. Okay. So from the fixed site, I met a lot of people, I did not have sex with everyone of them, obviously, but I met more people on these sites. I am not having any luck, but it's also when I'm having dialogue with them, I'm trying to be so

cautious about what I say that I think I'm not being personable enough. Right. Okay, so are you talking, so is this when you say talking, are you texting? Yeah, we're texting. Okay, so listen, this is what I think and this is worked for Chris and Dates Online, this is help Chris in,

this is how many people that I think you should set up a FaceTime date. You can even line up a bunch of them back to back before you even meet them. So you know, like, do I even want to take the time out of my day? Or am I evening to meet with someone and start to talk to them and get a vibe for them. And like, because I, for me, texting, I don't do the upsides, I just don't like texting. I'd rather meet someone and all this stuff so you can say that, like, let's hop on a call.

And then you could get, first of all, it saves you a lot of time and trying to be clever and trying to be whatever they get the vibe or the personality. And then you can just ask them questions in. I'm not necessarily about sex, but I think you could start, I mean, you're in a 50s. It's like, you can be like, how important is sex to you? You can learn, you can kind of figure out what feels comfortable to you. But I just think if you're starting to get on the regular sites, the non-sex sites that break in that ice with a face time call, could be really helpful for you.

Okay, so, okay so that's great. So I was just very cautious about giving out my phone number because I had an incident when I was on the sex side that somebody took my phone number and did that reverse look up and paid to have find my information and got my address and all that stuff and kind of stalk me. Oh no, okay. Yeah, so I'm so full. Oh, okay, don't then don't do that. Okay, so maybe, what about Skype? Could you get like a, is there like a fake, like a fin stub up for Skype,

you get a fake Skype account? I would just Skype. Okay, yeah. Do it that way. So you can just set up a Skype. Yeah. But obviously I'm not gonna do that. Yeah, don't do the work Skype. Just like set up a Skype. Set up a Skype. Yeah, I have a bit of work, but obviously I'm not going to be able to do the work Skype.

Just set up a Skype. Set up a Skype. Yeah, set up a Skype at home. I think everyone has Skype. If not, they're going to get Skype. If they want to talk, do they can figure it out. So I think that would be a great way to do it. Or if you, yeah, do that.

Do Skype. And then just because I just think it saves us all a lot of time, because it's just really hard to be texting back and forth. So I would try to do that. And then when you actually find a new i'm not getting past the first like how are you how are you doing kind of questions to even like say let's talk on the phone kind of

how to understand you would agree wrong what is exactly happening so you're matching with someone which side are you on for example so i'm a couple from on match.com and I'm on Bumble. Okay. The Bumble is probably too close to the other site that I was on. But I mean there are things that are doing seem to be some really nice guys. But I'm just not meeting anybody. I just totally do not want to go to this site. Where are the sex sites?

I got to know which sex sites you're on. Can you tell me what sex sites? You want to do a self-friend finder. Oh. Okay. Yeah, a self-friend finder. All right. So I think that hinge people are loving hinge right now.

I feel like every year there's like a new one and people are loving hinge, right? Jamie, Chris, are on it. I feel like hinge. That hinge. Tell, it's a dating site. Yeah. You guys want to I can't tell it's a dating site. You guys want to talk about it? It's a dating app. Yeah, it's different in the sense of you don't necessarily swipe on people. So you have picture, like you set it up, you put in pictures the same way, but then you have like, you have to pick three prompts. So they're questions. So it's like,

you should not go out on a date with me if or let's debate and it like you put you know little questions like that or like your perfect Saturday, it looks like this. And then you when you're looking through your match like matches, it'll say, oh they liked this picture of you or they liked this comment of you and you can comment back or if you're going through you can like that, you can like a comment or like a thing and you can comment back or if you're going through you can like that you can like a comment or like a thing and you can invite them to start the chat that way too. So if you match together then you go free. It's free. Yeah and I guess there's many more paths to entry like it's not just a swipe it's like you can like different parts of what they reveal about themselves. It humanizes it it's not just swiping with people, which people so carelessly do.

And I feel like that's not where she's getting good responses, but this you have to put more energy into it. You gotta put a little more effort into it. So I would try that out and don't give up. You know, keep going with it, Penny. I'm not sure, yeah, okay. So let me know it goes. I'm signing up for it.

Let me ask another question. So I am 54 and I'm a little okay I'm a little overweight but I'm doing keto right now so I'm losing weight but I'm very comfortable in my skin but I was looking for obviously a man who's very good looking to meet and that I find attractive and stuff and I'm not getting that much. So am I like way on left field to try to want that? No, not at all. Not at all. Listen, confidence is such a sexy thing, Penny.

So keep doing you. You are not off track at all, and you will find that person. So no, you're not. And the other thing that you just remind me when you said your age, because you're 54, there's an app called another dating app called RTime. And it's for people over 50. And I have a friend who got married on it She met someone and got married so I I hadn't heard a lot about it, but that's another option Tell me that I

Yeah, but just try it and listen just try it you try it sex. Why not if you don't like it you'll just try it. Listen, just try it. You try it. Why not? If you don't like it, you'll get off of it. I think it's great to diversify. I don't have any to lose. Exactly. Nothing to lose. Everything to game, Penny.

Yes, do it. Let us know. We're here every night, Penny. Call us back. You guys, listen. I don't ask you for much, but if you call in, and I'm giving you advice, I love when you call back and tell me what happened.

Next step, how to go down, all those things. Thank you and thanks to my amazing team. Thanks to Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Ryan, our interns, producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwitheml.com. you