Sex With Emily - Sexual Curiosities, Cravings & Conundrums

Episode Date: November 13, 2019

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is responding to your emails & giving her expert advice on all your sex, dating & relationship questions.She gives the low down on simultaneous orgasms & how common they are (if at all), what to do when your partner meets their needs online – but not IRL, & how to get over the fear of being replaced by your girlfriend’s sex toys. Plus, what chastity is & how far is "too far" for beginners.Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemilyFor even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm responding to your emails and answering your sex dating and relationship questions. Topics include coming together. How often should it be happening if at all? What's new in your partner says he needs Viagra, but you know he's able to get it up for people online. Chastity, what is it and when does it go too far? And how to get over the fear of being replaced by your girlfriend's sex toys? Because you't trust me all this and more. Thanks for listening I Into his eyes

They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex Eyes that mock our secret institutions Betrubized they call them in a fight on me. Hey, Abelie, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken, he thinks you're kind of cute. Hey, girls, gotta understand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge?

What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm off here, I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Abelie's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex relationships and everything in between.

For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. Go shopping at sexwithemily.com. Read stuff, but sex with people. Write JVP people should do a lot there. Yeah, there is actually so, so much information on there, and it's fun. Like it looks nice and the gifts are really cute and fun, and it's gifts. They are. Dude, I know.

And there's like a lot of really fun information, it's like so easy to digest. Right? Like you just, like, and actually if you have a question, you're like, I wonder if she's answered that. You could just like Google it on the site or the topic, and you'll find out. Yeah. Podcast or blogs. Okay, so do that. Also, I mean, if you have a question, you're like, I wonder if she's answered that. You could just like Google it on the site or the topic and you'll find out that podcast or blogs. Okay, so do that also. I mean, if you know, if you've got time in your hands,

all social media is at sex with Emily. Thank you so much for subscribing and wherever you listen to the show and review us because that's cool too. All right guys, we're just gonna get into your emails. I love answering your questions. I mean, it's literally why exists on the planet and you guys have been sending in so many great

questions lately. So I just thought let's knock it out. Let's do a show and answer a bunch of them and keep them coming. Okay, so you can send the questions through sexwetwe.com. Just click Ask Emily tab, fill out the short form. But here's a deal. If you want to talk to me in real time and get advice on the spot, you can just call in to Series XM radio. The number is AAA9478277 and it's Monday through Friday from 5 to 7 p.m. Pacific and even if you don't have Series XM, you can still call me. Alright, you can also email feedback at sexwithendly.com and just always, always, always include your name, your age, where you live and how you listen to this show.

Thanks guys and we're also cool if you, you know, change your name. That's fine. Fine. You can be Susie instead of Jennifer. Exactly. We don't know. We just, age is important to me.

It is. It is. Where you live. All right, Jamie, you want to read the emails? Yes. So this first one comes to us from Sam, 25 in Canada. She is a woman. Hi, Dr. Emily.

I love your podcast. My fiance and I listen to it together every evening before bed. Oh, that's so nice. I love that. Okay. We've been together for five years and I'm bisexual and interested in trying an open polytype relationship, mostly just sex with others for no strings attached. My partner said he's not ready to try that yet.

I'm wondering how we can ease into it when he is ready and what kind of things are important discussed before trying it. Also in the meantime, what can we do to keep things passionate, exciting between the two of us? I really miss that new sex feeling with someone new. Thanks, we love you Emily. Aww. We love you.

I love that vision of Sam and her fiance lying in bed together listening to sex family at night. I mean What better way to keep sex on the brain? We're like a lullaby. We're like a sexy lullaby, right? Yeah, that makes me happy Well, thanks for letting me know that and you guys sound like you have a really good communication and a healthy relationship here And I feel good about this Sam so that's great that he's open to the idea. And it's okay that he doesn't want to be open to it right now. So what you can do is, after you listen to the podcast, or maybe before it night, you could read a book together.

And I'd recommend there's two great books about opening up relationships. One's been around for many years, I don't know, maybe 20, 30 years, the ethical slut by Dossie Easton or opening up is another great book by Tristan Teremino. So you can both like get a better understanding about Naminagami. It'll help you kind of figure out the questions to ask each other. You definitely should have conversations around it and get clear on the boundaries. Because here's the thing, what I've found by talking to so many people who are polyamorous and by advising them, is that talk about everything and you'll start to set boundaries,

you'll say like, oh, I don't want to know all the details of who you're with. Or there's no sleepovers or no kissing. And you try to get boundaries in place, right? You try. But then after it happens, you talk about it, you get clearer, you refine, you figure out what works. So it's a process,

but I'm telling you by getting yourself educated, reading some books, checking out some podcasts we've done about unopened relationships will help you. In the meantime, yes, definitely spice up your current sex life. I love the idea of role-playing and you're just like different people. You come out with different scenarios, you do the sexy stranger, you know, you meet up with different people, or come up with what's hot for you. I mean, I think maybe there's some kind of, um, dominant, some, maybe there's some kind of like role playing like doctor patient, teacher student.

Maybe you've been bad and he spanks you over the desk. You know, come up with fun scenarios. We talk a lot about role playing and I'm telling you for many couples, they're like, it'd be awkward and then they try it and it really does spice it up because you're asking for something different from him and it gets stale that's you're like with a whole new person. With an alter ego. You can watch porn. Love the idea of watching porn together. This is where I love porn because in porn you can check out different scenarios and explain like what's

hot to you. You can learn what each other like, reading a rhodica, and there's some great rhodica apps right now. Dipsy, Quinn, and then there's also a website called Bolesa. That's the hell. Also blindfolded, super easy way to try something different. You take away one sense, you experience all the other senses so much more intensely. And then this is where you can play with different kinds

of touch. You can use a massage candle, use toys together, use toys together when you're blindfolded. Also, mutual masturbation, such an idea for every couple. If you haven't mutually masturbated yet, it's really cool because you know that you're both gonna get off plus you get to see each other and you learn different moves. You see how they touch themselves.

No, I mean, I think all of those would help spice things up because then it does kind of make it new. She's saying she's like, Mrs. the new thing with a new person, but maybe she's just missing like, maybe it's just gotten stale into like a routine and she's just missing something different and doesn't even need to be the person.

Well, that's what people think. They're like, we should have a threesome to save the relationships or maybe I just want another person. But oftentimes, yeah, that boredom could just be novelty. A lot of us, you missed that. You risked someone for a year or two years, a few months, you're like, what is doing exciting? All those things I just name could be years of fun. Oh, yeah.

And then I also think. At least nights of it. Yeah. And I just, I'm thinking about it now too. That's why sometimes it's nice to not to have a giant libido because if you having sex every day, you're gonna have to start spicing it up a lot quicker than if you're having sex like a couple times a week.

Exactly, you're so right. And mostly, but only I feel many have it a couple times a week. Yeah. So you can like, I just thought about this right now, literally. It's a lot of work. If you want to sex every day, you need to have a sex toy closet like this. Oh my God. Exactly. And I'm just thinking about like I used to have sex every day when I was, you know, seeing a head of boyfriend that I saw every day. And we didn't get bored with sex, but I could tell he was kind of

getting bored, but it was when I was younger. Yeah, I don't know what to do. But now I'm like when I have sex with people, it's like once a week. So I'm like, okay, at least we can like try new things, but it's like not gonna be like needing to escalate. Exactly, no, you're right, you can kind of stretch things out for a lot longer. Yeah.

But why that's also a good point is because for many people who are only have sex once or twice a week, it's like, you roleplay one week, like you're done with a novelty. Yeah, exactly. Then if you buy toys, you use a toy this time. And the next week, you use another toy, and then this time you use the blindfold,

and then the next time you mutually masturbate, you're like, I really like mutual masturbation. Let's just keep doing that. It's like, and that's already three months right there. I'm feeling like there we go. It's so exciting. She'll be like, non-monogamy who? All right.

Keep us posted how it goes to him. And I'm so happy if you haven't seen it. All right. This next one's from Amber, who's 39 in California. Hi, Dr. Emily. First, I'd like to thank you for having your podcast. Listening to your show has been so eye-opening to me personally. 39, and I feel like I'm now just understanding my body.

What feels good sexually, where everything is, AKA the G-spot, where what works for me, and what I want to explore. I just recently found my G-spot on my own with my fingers, and I also began to understand the pelvic floor muscles since my fingers were inside of me. I could feel my pelvic floor muscles tightening around my fingers. So since I understand why my pelvic floor muscles are so important, what they felt like as they tightened, I've always done kegels, but my new al so important, what they felt like as they tightened, I've always done kegels, but my new outlook, I wanna step things up immediately.

What do you recommend? Oh, I love this. I love this amber. I am so glad that you found the podcast and that you are really understanding the pleasure source, the power source of our pelvic floor. And that is where we're gonna get more connected the pleasure source, the power source of our pelvic floor. And that is where we're gonna get more connected to our bodies where we're gonna have stronger orgasms,

we're gonna stop urinary incontinence as a side note. So I love that you took on this exploration and I urge all women, if you haven't really explored your body, the pelvic floor, keeping strong kegels is where it's at. So what I also love is that you want to amp up your kegel game because I can tell you exactly how to do that. First off I have an iPhone app called kegel camp that just helps that will remind you to do them. That's why I made it was like seven years ago because I was like I'll never

remember and my doctor was like do it in a traffic light. I'm like, I'm texting you in traffic light. I'm not coming. So anyway, it reminds you just to do them. But what I love, because the second you said I want to ramp it up immediately, the intensity by in control is essentially a medical device that they turned into a vibrator if you choose to use it that way. It does your kegels for you and has a little rabbit vibe, so kind of rewards you once you're done working out. But let me tell you about the kegels. It literally is like if you could, like I wish there was like a treadmill that could run for me,

or like an ab machine that could get my abs, this literally I did it for a month. I mean, I've done it for five years now, but the first month I did it, I did it five times a day, I would lie back on my bed. You know, I'm ahead on the pillow. I would either meditate or just lie there and you rest it and you literally just lie there. You don't even have to tense and relax your muscles because it uses electromagnetic stimulation that does an excellent keggle workout. And if you use it eight to ten minutes a day, four days a week, you go up in the different levels.

We have videos about it, but I'm telling you after three weeks, three and a half weeks, I started having much stronger orgasms during penetration and on my own. And I felt like when you've done a bunch of crunches, you know, you go to the gym and you're doing your workout. You're like, I'm gonna wear a What are they called? Crop top. Yes. Like you like want to have sex and a lot of orgasms

when you're pelvic floor is strong. Yes you do. I don't even know what I was doing before. I actually really started incorporating cuggles into my masturbation especially. The only problem is sometimes, sometimes I forget to put a pillow under my butt. I'll get like, I get fucking cramp in my,

in my, just in my leg, my quadricepept. Because you're, because you're tense. Just speak, well no, because I need to, I need to raise, and I don't need to, but I like to raise my pelvis. But if I forget to put a pillow underneath me, I have to do it on my own. So I'm doing like a bridge.

So I'm doing like a bridge. Yeah. You're squeezing your thighs together? No, because I'm using my kegels, but then I'm doing like, what's it called? Like a butt crunch. Oh, butt crunch, I guess. Like because I'm raising up.

So I'm not flexing those muscles. I got it. Just be where you don't actually want to flex your thighs or your butt. But doing kegels is also when you're having sex. Oh, it's best. I love doing it and then being like, can you feel that in their face is like, of course, I can feel it.

I've got the kegel grip on your penis. Okay, so yeah, Amber, let's now go stick with the kegels. I recommend everyone. All right. Okay, the next email. Yes, this next one's from Anne, who's 60 in Arizona. Dear Dr. Emily, why is it that my man claims he needs that little blue pill?

When I found proof he's very active on Facebook chat with his female friends, seems if I don't initiate any intimacy and beg for a whole month, I just won't get any of it. It's not that I'm unattractive though, I'm not a supermodel, but I find what's left on our sheets and it sure didn't come from us. We seldom do anything.

Help. And thank you for your email. There's a lot going on here. It's your man, and I'm wondering how long you guys have been together. That's also helpful. Yeah, that is name, age, and how many years you've been together or how many months. Because this really, what's really happening here is, I don't like that you have to initiate it all the time that you have to beg him, you know, and that you're not getting any

sex. And then also that you found out that he's masturbating on Facebook and and then the sheets who's leaving the sheets. This is not good. So I'm curious, have you talked to him yet about the women online? You're making assumptions that he doesn't need the pill for any kind of erection. That's true. That's very true.

Yeah. So we always think the worst. We do. She doesn't need a pill with her about for me. He needs double. I think you actually have to just have the conversation about your sex life. Now, that has to be in a neutral environment. And this is not like when he doesn't want sex for the fourth time, you're like, no, I

need you to initiate or you know, that's not when it happens. It's when you're going out, you're going out of date, you guys are chilling. And you just say to him, listen, I really, our sex life is so important to me. I love it. I think it's hot. But does she want to dress him? Does she first want to dress the Facebook thing, though? I mean, I think she should.

OK, so you got to have a neutral conversation with him. And first, you got to bring up the idea about other women online because to me, that wouldn't feel great to me. And then also the sheep part wouldn't feel great to me there. So it's like, who are these women? So it feels like you need to have an overall conversation about your intimacy. So you could just say to them, I love intimacy is so important to me. Connecting to you, having sex with you.

And for me, it would feel so great to know that you also valued our sex life. And it was a priority to you. And how I would know that is if you actually, you know, you actually want to feel desired by him. So let him know what that looks like. I want you to, when you get home, kiss me on the neck. I want you to make a date. I want you to initiate sex and have the rose petals laid out. Like whatever your vision is,

you need to explain to him what that looks like. When you say it in a neutral environment without shaming it or blaming it, I'm like, why don't you ever or who are all these people? You just kind of bring up an overall thing about your sex life and intimacy. And then see where it goes from there. So I think you guys just keep talking about sex

and your relationship and also he should be cleaning the sheets. I mean, if he's gonna finish on them, we should just go do laundry too. Right? Oh my God. Okay, well, he's gonna finish on him, we should just go do laundry too, right? Oh my God. Okay, well, hey speaking of sheets. Okay, I'm gonna throw this down. The quality of your bed sheets

means so much in the bedroom, especially if you're using the same old scratchy sheets that are like 200th red count. I don't know, I'm like a total sheet snob. And I've had some bed sheets in my time. I've had lovers that have horrible sheets. Like I've been to guys' houses, and they're just, they're not clean,

or like the one guy who had a bottom sheet, but his top sheet was like a twin, but his bed was a king. It was all very confusing. And Jamie, I'm sure in the 20s, guys, have like you like get on their bed, it goes crunch. Oh my God, I mean, if they even have sheets to be honest. Like you're right.

It's probably don't have sheets. Fucking hard out there. Dude, dude it is. Okay, well this is why I love Brooklyn and sheets. I gave Jamie my, okay so Brooklyn and sent me sheets a few years ago and I love them. And then they sent me an extra pair which is nice to me and I talk about them but they don't send me like sheets every day. But of course because I love Jamie I, Jamie, I already have a pair.

You should take a pair. And it was, they're so nice too. I tried to fucking take them and I stole them back. Why would you do that? There's like the nicest things you have. I know. I know. Okay, anyway, you guys, Brooklyn and Sheets, honestly, you guys, they're hotel quality.

It's like when you go to a town, you're like, I wonder who makes these sheets. They're just like that. And you think they're expensive, but they're affordable, which is what the founders of Brooklyn wanted to accomplish, because they're like, let's cut out the minimum and let's just have people go online and get the great sheets and then don't charge them a lot of money. I've actually gotten compliments from guys. Really? They're like, where'd she get these sheets? And that's how you know. and then don't charge him a lot of money. I've actually gotten compliments from guys. Really?

They're like, where'd she get these sheets? And that's how you know. Because I got the stripe ones for you. They have stripes. They're cute. Because they're cute. But that's also how you know that sheets are that good. Is that when someone stays over at your house

and they're like, yo, where did you get these from? Really? Yeah. You got compliments, see? Because they're good. You can tell. Well, guys, the other thing though, they have really soft towels as well.

And husband could use the towels instead of the sheets, because then he could just use one hand towel and throw it away just to be respectful. Right. I mean, actually, I would want him to use the old towels. Probably. Anyway, Brooklyn and you guys, Brooklyn.com is the fastest growing betting brand in the world.

They even won Good Housekeeping's Best Online Bending Company award. They have so many amazing colors patterns materials to choose from You can actually design your perfect bedding combo. I love my Brooklyn dot com sheets their towels turn my bathroom into a spa That's true. It looks nice. Doesn't it? It does. I got a steam shower. I got the sheets Okay, you guys are you my listeners my friends you can get an exclusive offer 10% off plus free shipping when you use code sex at checkout. They're so confident in their products, they have a lifetime warranty and all sheets, which is actually good because I just fuck things up sometimes.

Oh, same, I spill stuff. I spill, but they actually, the stains come out. Okay, good, no. Okay, lifetime warranty and all sheets, comfortors and towels. I definitely want that on towels. Yes. Save 10% off and free shipping, go to www.brooklinon.com, use code sex, that's www.brooklinon.br. O-O-K-L-I-N-E-N.com and use code sex.

Yes, this next email from Ingrid 18 in Australia, dear Dr. Emily, is it normal for you and your partner to not come at the same time? The year turn, my turn, turns me off. After I come and then I wait for him to come by doing what he likes, we struggle to find anything that gives me pleasure at the same time as him that isn't from 69. Thanks. Ooh, ingrade, great question. First off, I love that you're having orgasms, which is great.

You know what, 18? Oh, yeah. You're both coming. I don't get one. I don't get one. Until 19. But I have to tell you, it's totally normal, completely normal, and it is rare for people to come at the same time. So there's nothing wrong with this situation.

In fact, the reason why everybody thinks that, the reason why everyone thinks that simultaneous orgasms are actually a thing is because that's always seen movies. And it's not that it never happens with couples, but it's definitely not going to come close each time. So if you want to orgasm at the same time, basically you just have to have more jacket or a control and really strong pelvic floor muscles and be able to like time it out. You can also learn to use your breath to kind of delay your orgasm and move it to your

body. So you can, if you guys work at it, make it happen, but it isn't by no means the norm. Now if you think about sex a little differently, if you're taking turns, that doesn't have to be a turn off. If you're taking turns, that doesn't have to be a turn off. So you know, you can kind of figure out when you're going to orgasm and then giving him pleasure can also make you orgasm. So there is pleasure

in giving and receiving. So also what I recommend for you is after you have your orgasm, you could try touching yourself or using a vibrator. The first one that I've reused in one of my favorites that just sent us once and now Jamie has one and we gave to others is the J.J. Mimi. It's such a cool toy to use with a partner. It's almost like made for it because you hold it in your hand. It's super soft. It's quiet. It's shaped like a little cute flat egg.

And you can use it during penetration or any part of sex. So while you're having sex, you could easily hold in your clitoris. You can use that in shaft and it's like the MIMI. Yeah. And it's like me, MI, MI. Yeah, and it's like even the, the material is like really soft silicone, so it's like, it feel like, even if your part, it touches your partner, like it's not gonna be like a jagged thing or rough.

Cause that good point, and it has those deep, rumbly sensations, so I can't explain, they're like, they're kind of like, unlike other vibrators that are, it's like a rumble, but it's still a vibration. It's just, it's really special. But you're right, James, good point. That's maybe another reason why I love it as a couples toy holding it because it isn't

obtrusive. Exactly. And then I feel like too, when you're with the, like if you're in missionary, for example, and you have it kind of like over your pelvic, your pelvic, your pubic mound. pubic mound, the pubic mound, love saying that. And then it's over part of your clitoris, like the pressure of the partner being on top actually adds to the deep rumbly vibrations

because it's like a change in pressure there. That's what I like. He can stay in place too. Exactly, it stays in place. I just kept turning on thinking about that. I did, I did, because I love it. I love that sensation of that. I know. I'm trying to, how it. I love that sensation of that. I know.

I'm trying to, how do we describe this deep rumbly? It's kind of like, I mean, I guess if you've ever put, like you've sat in one of those massage chairs, but then you've like really pushed down hard. Yes. In a sense, but not on like, not on the line out more. Yeah. It's not as, it's like, mm.

Yes, exactly. Yeah. I wish I had one here, we do. I had one here. I had one here, I had one here, my purse for like a mm. Yes, exactly. I wish I had one ear. We do. I had one. I had one in my purse for like a week because I like I was shot a video with it. I was like showing. I don't remember. I was like it was at the bottom of my bag. It's not there now. Oh, anyway. Okay. So this is the J.J. Meamy. We love it. We're just excited. I think that'll help Ingrid. Yeah. Oh, Ingrid. Yes. Yeah.

There's a lot more love. We got turned on. We forgot. Yeah, we forgot. But Ingrid, we never forget about you. We just think it also, the other thing I want to say is if you, you know, you say that you're done after one orgasm, another great thing about women is we can learn how to have multiple orgasms.

So maybe, you know, you're not really done. So. I'm glad she's asking this question at 18 to see. She's got like so much time. Yeah, I'm coming. He's coming. And now we just want to, you know, it's like you're ahead of it. And Greg, you're winning. Hashtag winning.

OK, this next one comes from Verlin, who's 50 in Florida. Dear Dr. Emily, I've heard you talk about CBD depositories on the show. And I'm very curious what you recommend. My wife has horrible periods of terrible cramps and nothing seems to work. THC Edibles did offer some relief as we experimented when we were in Washington. But I would prefer to use THC's depositories, but we're in Florida and that becomes more challenging.

Thank you for any recommendations. Oh, Florida. Okay. Thank you so much, Verlin, for your question. I love the foria supasitoris. I mean, Jamie can tell you, Jamie's like a huge fan. No. They have THC and CBD, but the CBD works great. There's also foria awakened, which is like a pre-loop with CBD in it, but it could also be used as a balm, and that helps with cramps, with anxiety, angiospagina, or even just have stress. That could be really good, but

if you can get the THC for you, and for you, can they get that? I don't, THC? I think you can, in Florida. You can get the CBD ones, for sure, because CBD's everywhere. I'm gonna look up Florida's THC. I don't think they have it. I think they just have like... Okay, but if you can, if you have a friend to come to California, yeah. Listen, they're amazing. Like you, you just, they help with cramps instantaneously. Now CBD, like it's really just about the strain of CBD. You got, I mean, there is a lot of CBD now in the wellness space and it can relieve pain and less anxiety.

We also like Papa and Barclay relief selves. It's called Papa and Barclay. Check that out. I have that too, I don't. Yeah, I like that. I put that in my muscles and stuff. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

You know, it really works for pain. And like, I even, when I don't have the Fourier supositories, I'll use Oaken just to rub like for my cramps. So it's so much. I use Oaken for everything. And the supositories, I'll use a wakein just to rub like for my cramps. So it's so awesome. I use a wakein for everything. And the repositories, I felt like a dealer, like my friends, like, do any more of the repositories. And one time with like five left,

I brought it to the trade show, I was like giving it out to my friends. They're like, oh my god, I love you. And they feel like, do any more of those, they like pretend to see me. Like, oh, by the way, before I go. Right, they were just like looking for you. I'm not sure. it's a positive dealer.

Jesus Christ. What do I look like to you? All right, that's hilarious. All right, so yeah, Berlin, let us know how it goes. We're here to help. Women shouldn't have to have cramps so much pain. Nope, okay, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back even more of your questions after this.

Alright, we are back and since we got so many emails and we love hearing from you, more emails. Alright, this is from Ben32 in Ohio. Thanks in advance for any advice or guidance you can give me. My wife wants to spice things up by getting sex toys. I can admit that things have become a bit routine and we could use some added spice, but toys make me feel a bit inadequate and replaceable, especially because she really wants to get a vibe and a large dildo. I'm only an average guy of 6 inches, so her wanting a large dildo is intimidating.

How can I get over my personal issues so my wife can try these new and exciting things? I want to be supportive in there for her, but I also want to be replaced. I can understand wanting a vibe, but why does she want to try a dildo that's so much bigger than me? Is bigger better? Thanks again for reading. Oh, Ben, I'm so glad you emailed because you have come to the right place. Okay. So, your penis is totally fine. In fact, more than fine. And for women wanting to get toys or vibes, it's never, I mean, no woman is ever that, like, well, I think God, I finally got this new vibrator I broke up with my boyfriend.

So it's like you're catastrophizing this scenario. So first off, you think it's like a huge vibrator. But she's probably just looking for a different experience. She's looking for a variety. And it's not that she's going to need it all the time. You guys are married. She's not going to leave you for a toy. And I'm telling you this, your penis, her one to get toys is not mean that your penis

isn't satisfying her. It just means that the majority of women will not orgasm from a penis alone. 80% will not orgasm from a penis alone. 80% will not. And so she's just looking for a little vibe, a little more internal simulation things to play with so she could have as much pleasure. So essentially toys help her have more pleasure in addition to your penis, in addition to your loving.

It's like this whole thing that the penis is the everything, the answer for the female pleasure is not. So I just think you got to talk to her more about it. You can even say to her, well, here's the thing. I feel like once you get the toy and you play with it, you haven't done it yet. You're going to be like, what was I worried about? Exactly. Because what happens is, this is funny.

I never thought about this. Okay, I'm putting this out to listeners. I say this. No one's ever gotten a vibrator that I recommended. And then called me and said, everyone over a relationship, this is 15 years, my girlfriend left me, she broke us up, never.

In fact, there've been like, oh my God, why didn't I know this? It's so hot to watch my partner get off. I like me using the toy on me. Who knows? I mean, Ben, you might like the way the vibrations feel on you. Yeah.

So it's for everybody. And just spitballing now that we're in creative juices flowing, she could be using the dildo inside of her and then sucking your dick. Yes. And then it's like a fake threesome. It's a win-win, exactly. He could be using it inside of her.

I actually want to do that. Yeah. Right? I need to find someone. That's not going to be hard. I know. Picking out the vibrators to use will be hard. That's a deal though.

That will be hard. Yeah, it's hot, right? Look at your mind. Oh my gosh. OK, so it is. It shows turning me on. I know me too. Ben, we're so not worried about you at all,

but I'm just telling you, most of this, most of men's penis fears are not, well, penis size keeps coming up a lot lately. On Instagram questions and in emails, this penis hysteria that men have, we do not care about your penis size as much as you do. So the more you can let it go, and really focus on what's great about your sex life

with your wife and what you really love about it, how you could both have more pleasure, that's where you're gonna be golden-bed. Yeah, and it's not like, I mean, this would be the most hilarious scenario though, but it's like no one's partners ever left them and then just started like dating their vibrator. Yeah. Like posting pictures of me and my new boo, like on Instagram. It would be so funny.

I'm going out of date tonight with my rave, my wee-vi-rave. I could actually do a series like that. Tonight, it's a Netflix and chill night with my cock rings, I don't know, I mean, the hilarious. Oh my God, okay, we're putting in pin in that. Put in that everyone listening, don't steal the idea. You can't. Okay. trademark.

Okay. All right, I think Ben's good. All right, this is from Michael 40 in Ohio. Hi, Dr. Emily. I'd actually reached out to discuss the situation on air previously, but I couldn't make the appointment and things have changed a bit since then. At that time, my wife and I have been discussing introducing Chasty to our marriage. She did quite a bit of research, and we ended up getting the most secure form of Chasty

out there to prevent pulling your penis out of the device and being able to masturbate still. She wanted total control over my penis and a relationship from an orgasm standpoint. Fast forward to now and she's been discussing making it permanent as she loves how our relationship has evolved from me being very selfish and masturbating in excess of amount to me giving her all of my attention and being much more involved in her pleasure. My question is how dangerous would this be? She's had me locked up for the past nine months without any release or orgasm at all.

Thanks for all your help. Wait a minute. Okay, Michael, this is not healthy that you have an orgasm in nine months. So you're supposed to orgasm at least once a week if you are in a chesty belt or or chassis penis, which actually don't look as uncomfortable as we thought. Yes, we'll put a blog in the show notes.

We're going to put a blog in the show notes, we can check it out. So here's the thing, if she's not letting you orgasm, even when you're giving her pleasure, this is just way too much control. I don't love the language she's using and that you are selfish and that she's controlling you always and that I just feel like it's very manipulative and it seems like it's, I mean, I don't know how you feel about this, Michael.

What I would love to know is like, there are men who, when they do it in a healthy way with their partners, you know, their partner, you know, they're, you know, they're pain essentially locked up and then they get to, the partner gets to choose when they get to be released and it can actually enhance intimacy and more loving and they realize that like things can, you know, it's a fun way to play in a relationship with people. But this sounds like she, this, not sure yet how much pleasure you're having from this. So that's the thing. You've met you all about her, your wife, what are you like?

Now, if you're going to tell me, you know what, I didn't come for nine months and it feels great. I'm just wondering if it's healthy, but I just feel like it gives me pause. I feel like you got to talk to your wife about it, come to a compromise. If you want to masturbate, that should not interfere with her pleasure. So maybe he got your lesson after nine months.

Can she let you out? Yeah, I mean, doing that. I mean, I think when you, because this, like, you don't want to spend the rest of your life. Exactly not the permanent part of your life. Exactly. Not the permanent part either. Yeah.

Yeah. I think you got to like take the chance to be built off, have some time without it and really get clear on your needs and your wife needs because I'm hearing a lot about her and not a lot about what you want because yes, if you decide there's parts of this that you enjoy, then you guys can work on that. It can work for couples, but you need boundaries, you need healthy communication. And watch out for that lock,

because it can restrict blood flow for people. So be careful about that. You wanna just keep checking in. There's no aftercare here. You guys are missing the communication part, the aftercare, the release, all that stuff. So have a conversation with her, Michael. Yeah, because I mean, I feel like once a week,

it then becomes like a treat too. Because if it becomes all one sided, like he was selfish, and now it feels like it's just selfish in the other direction. Yeah, he's like punishing him. Yeah, yeah. It's okay.

He could be attentive now, like you said, after nine months, he probably learned intensive now like you said after nine months He probably learned at least to like some attentiveness right so be attentive for her pleasure But then yeah like why doesn't he ever get it back? So why is it more about yeah her part and think something happened Was there a cheating incident like what prompted this maybe who's like he had a porn addiction or something? Yeah, I mean it says that he was being selfish and bad. But I want to know what that looks like. Exactly.

So were you being, I want to make sure that she's not being too controlling over you and that you're still getting to speak up for what you need, Michael. Hey, Michael, when you're hearing this, I think you should just call into my show. I'm there five nights a week on Serious Exempt. You don't need Serious Exempt to call in,

but it's a five to seven pan Pacific, triplet nine four seven eight two seven seven because there's a lot of open questions here. Yeah, we need to talk. All right, thanks. Okay, this next one's from Brittany, who's 29 and Idaho. Dr. Emily, help. I've always had a very active sex life before my husband, and he had never done more than kiss a woman before me.

He loves going down on me, but not until after we have sex, which I've never had before. I've always gotten off before sex. I've told him multiple times I'd rather have him go down on me before, as it also makes sex better for me. He sometimes will go down for a little bit, then I'm guessing he gets anxious and then we have sex, and then hopefully he's me after. I just don't like this as much. Is this normal? I just understand why he's always trying to have sex first, then go down. So frustrating. All right, Brittany, this is a great question. It's probably just because he doesn't have a lot of knowledge about this, and I love that you're speaking up about it. And you guys have just learned to communicate, and if your husband is interested, I think you guys

could read together, get the book She Comes First. It's by Ian Karner, and it explains why this is important for most heterosexual couples. Men are going to most certainly have an orgasm where women, we typically need to have foreplay, we need to have more oral sex, literal stimulation, and we're not going to typically orgasm during penetration. And so that just explains it for you as we can understand that like giving to you will you will certainly get even more back and who knows maybe you can have another orgasm another orgasm once you're warmed up. So check out the book. Also I know you've told them this before but here's what happens in the sex conversations. We really have to like spell it out for our partner sometimes

And we need to do it a few times So you can just let him know that it's a really turn-on when he makes you orgasm with oral before penetration because then you enjoy the actual love making more And the best time to do it is when you're not in the bedroom and you don't want to use the you never go down to me Or you only want to come first and all those things. It's much better to say something like I feel so much better about our sex life when I can, you know, orgasm from, you know, oral first and then the rest of sex just makes it so much hotter. Like if you tell him that, mm-hmm, rather than let me come for, you won't hear it, but if you explain, like, it makes me feel and this is what we, to sex is hot and all that.

And it might take a few times. I think so. So you could also ask him in this conversation, like, what is it about it? Like, maybe you mentioned that he has anxiety. I think that's a trained response that many men have to sex. They're like, well, I have my erection,

it's gonna go away. And so if I go down on you, I'm gonna lose my erection and it might never come back. Yeah. And that's the thing. That's why I think they rush because that's their experience. Maybe women change their mind and they had to rush or maybe I think that men, when they're going down on women,

sometimes they're really in their head about it so then they lose their erection, but in she comes first He's gonna learn how to actually get pleasure by giving you pleasure. Yeah So this whole erection thing and then we'll go to heaven as those men do That was like the best incentive I ever heard to mind what I haven heaven that all the men who love oral are in heaven. I mean, they gotta be. Or who not love it and they're good, yeah. Yeah.

That's beautiful, Jamie. I love you, Jamie. Pit and germ, my amazing producer, Philas, four years. She's been a four-year anniversary. I love you too. I love you, Jamie. You are amazing. And so, my list is you guys.

Thank you all for your questions, and thank you for everything. And thanks to my awesome team, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Heather, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithmla.com. you