Sex With Emily - Sexual Exploration & Mutual Masturbation

Episode Date: December 13, 2018

On today’s show, Emily is helping you get out of your head to enjoy sex all the way through. Emily & Jamie go over some thoughts that are totally common to have during sex – and how to get past them. Then, Emily gives advice on whether or not to explore your bisexuality when the sex is gone from your marriage, how to navigate online dating without getting unsolicited pictures (you know which ones), and ways to make mutual masturbation apart of your sex routine. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Apex, JustFab, SiriusXM Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit: sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex With Emily. On today's show, I'm helping you get out of your head to enjoy sex all the way through. Topics include the thoughts that are totally common to have during sex and how to get past them. Whether or not to explore your bisexuality when the sex is gone from your marriage, how to navigate online dating without getting unsolicited junk picks, and ways to make mutual masturbation a part of your sex routine. All this and more, thanks for listening. [♪ INTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Hey, Emily, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand.

Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, not only? What do you mean like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sex with Emily.com. See how the posts you put up there, the blogs, you can easily subscribe to the podcast, everywhere you listen to podcasts. We love when you comment and subscribe on iTunes. That makes everything a whole lot easier. And if you haven't yet, you got to check me out on Series XM Radio, Stars Channel 10109. I'm their weekdays Monday through Friday, 5-7 Pacific, 8-10 East.

Who would have wanted to spend there? I'm loving it, you guys. I get to really reach so many more of you every day helping you with your sex and relationships. You got to check it out if you've Series XM. If you want a free 30-day trial, visit sexwithm.me.com slash XXM, or you can guys listen to be honest, you can just call in, because I'm the dock on duty at those times every night. Triple 8, 947-8277, as always, FALOS and all social media at Sex with Emily across the board.

So this show today is going to be some of our serious XM, our best of our calls, but I think you're going to enjoy. But also, what's been really cool that you guys have been emailing me lately with some of your success stories that have really blown us away because I know you guys email and you're like, oh, we love the show and it's been so helpful and great. And I was like, what specifically what happened? What was so great? And it just warms our heart.

And then tonight I was ending my my Sirus XM show and our final call tonight was a man and he had been married to his wife for 22 years and he called to tell me thank you and he said Emily I took your advice and what I did was I focused on the things I appreciate about my wife and not all the things that drove me crazy and he said and she noticed after a week and I said what do you mean tell crazy. And he said, and she noticed after a week. And I said, what do you mean? Tell me more, Jay. He said, well, I used to come home and I'd say, what are your shoes in the way? And you didn't move your car out of the driveway.

And now I just tell her what I love her. And she looks beautiful. And how can I help her? And then she said to me, what's going on? You seem different. And I said, well, did you hear about... I've been listening to this such a family show. And she's been telling me these things.

And I've learned a lot. And he said, I'm trying to get her to listen together. And then the next thing he said was that he did this thing where he put rose puzzles through the house and said just follow to the end of the rose puzzles and he drew her bath. And I thought wow, you know, 63 years old and he's like, you know, that you can always bring it back guys.

It's never too late. And the cool thing about appreciation is especially this time of years busy were stressed We're just wired to go to the negative like it was a survival mechanism left over from our our developing brains from our ancestors And so we used to have to worry what's going on in scan the environment like is ever gonna get eaten by a cheetah Or the roof gonna fall into we worry and we get we took a bad thing We look at things that are not going well But if you could just say you know what I, I actually appreciate, even if you have to do in your head, like God damn it, why is he late again and you go, God, you know what,

I really appreciate that he's such a great dad. I really appreciate, you know, that she always remembers that my mom bought the card or she always brings me home my favorite cookies, whatever. Like what are the things that you love about your partner? I'm telling you, it adds up over time. If you put all that good stuff in your head, and then you share that with your partner, you're gonna realize that you're gonna end up

with a lot more appreciation and a lot less anger and hate. So let's just try it all. Try it for a week. See how it goes, let me know. I hope you enjoy the show. So some of the things we're gonna get into here, I thought this would be interesting to all of you

because we all know that sex can be fun and funny, but it can also be awkward in embarrassing and nerve racking for sure. We all get weirded out by sex. So as often we're here to tell you that a lot of things that we're tripping out about are not a big deal and are typically normal. So, here's some thoughts that are completely normal to have before you actually have sex. You might be thinking about how do I look? I think a lot of us men and women we can imagine that we're thinking before sex. Oh, I haven't been working out lately. I haven't been to the gym, I've gained,

or just in general, does he notice my cellulite? What are all the things? This is my left boob bigger than my right boob when we freak out. And when we're doing that, and we're freaking out about body image and concerns, these are all gonna be the little things that happen, little detractors that are gonna take away

from you being present and actually having great sex. So if you are distracted by these thoughts, instead of freaking out about it, I'm going to say, do what I always say, and that is, stop the thoughts and focus on what's happening in the moment with your partner. If you're going back to how to look and you're moving your body and it's awkward, your partner is going to feel that you're not comfortable, and then you're both going to be distracted. So try to just appreciate that moment and be focused and your partner's in bed with you because they love you.

Yeah. And they want to be with you. And I think it's like when you have, when you are in your head and you're nervous and you're thinking that, then your partner's looking at you and they're like, oh my god, I'm doing something wrong. What am I doing? So it's just like this like anxiety loop. It is an anxiety loop.

I'm just like back and forth because of like facial expressions and things like that. And we always think that it's us. Like if I was worried, I'm like covering up or pulling away like because you're our body language, you guys we can't hide it. Our body language says so much before we even more than, even our faces in our body language can save even more than our words.

So if I'm worried and I'm turning away, my partner will be like, why is she not feeling intimate with me? Why is she turning away? It's because I'm worried about what I look like. So another thing is that's normal to think about is will I be good at sex? How good am I at sex?

Am I doing the right thing? And remember that you guys, when we are turned on during sex, think about it. You're naked and aroused. That's when we're the most vulnerable. That's when you find it's vulnerable. Yet, of course, we're going to have nervous thoughts and we're going to be worried if we're any good at sex.

But my best tip for not feeling nervous during sex is to remember that every moment that you're having sex, you're in a new situation because every moment is new. If you focus on the moment, like, what does this moment call for? Or like, what needs to happen, like, to be any good at sex? It's really not the kind of thing you could study in the sense of, you know, a lot of it happens in the present moment. So is your partner responding to your touch? Is their breath quickening?

Is their cheeks flushing? Are they into it? You can tell. It's not so much about the moves that it is paying attention. Because they'll tell you something hurts, or you can even ask if they want something more. Yeah, I mean, I think the only time that you really, if someone's like, oh, this is hurting me, that's like really the only time you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing. But also, they should tell you, hey, this hurts because I think a lot of people can like,

like, can he tell that like, this is not feeling good? It's like, no. No, they can't. In fact, your partner thinks it feels amazing unless you say anything. They're gonna assume that everything feels great. And since women, you guys, I'm gonna hover on this and we're gonna have some experts on the show in the coming weeks, coming months, because I just think it's really important

to kind of help men and women with all the challenges we have around sex. I'm not saying sex is to be easy in a walk in the park. There's always gonna be challenges, but one of them is that 80% of women at some point in their life and some all the time have pain. And we also normalize that and your partner does not know unless you tell them. They're also assuming you're having orgasms all the time unless you tell them that you're

not. So that's all on you. Am I comfortable? Are you comfortable? Are you okay with what's happening? you. Am I comfortable? Are you comfortable? Are you okay with what's happening? Is it consensual? Is there anything you're uncomfortable with? And I think again, I can get chipped up in my head like, oh, like I'm not, what I'm not

be comfortable with during sex. Can you think of what stuff you haven't been comfortable with before? Like if I'm cold even or is my vibrator nearby. Yeah, I'm in condom lubed. Sometimes, okay, I guess for me, sometimes what will happen is my partner will be leaning his weight on me in a certain way sometimes and in his mind, completely not aware. But to me, for some reason, I'm like, how are you not aware that you are like gonna about to break my wrist right now by acting stupid and blue?

You know, so but I have to let him know know I'm like, hey, like can we move? Like I can't feel my arm. Right. Oh, you're like, you're martyr. You wait till it's like turning blue, but your heart's right. I'm like, no, he's gonna move in a second. He's gonna move on. I'm just gonna wait, you know, wait till he hits that one stride, but no, you

always have to bring it up. You gotta bring it up. And also, if you're not comfortable, because maybe something, either it's a physical pain. Yeah. You're about to have to am it up. You gotta bring it up. And also, if you're not comfortable, because maybe something, right, either it's a physical pain, you're about to have to amputate your arm, or you're just not comfortable. This could be if you're not in a relationship, but you're dating or you're in a casual relationship.

And you're with someone, you're like, God, the last few times I've been with this person, it didn't feel great. And here I find myself at their house again, or we're out again. And I'm not sure I want to have sex. And I remember feeling as a woman, like I felt like there were times I didn't want to have sex.

Like not in a terrible way, but just like I was dating someone I knew was ending whatever it is. I thought it's harder to say no to sex. Am I supposed to have sex? Because to say no, and to explain why I don't want to felt bad. But now with all that I know about consent and how to actually recognize if your body is on board with what you wanna do, or your brain in your body.

I would be like, no, I would say to someone now, like, you know, I'm actually not feeling this. I think it's that people pleasing, I wouldn't want someone not to like me even for art, you know, by pulling back and having sex. So I think it really asks yourself a immensely and physically comfortable. I feel like that's like a message that kind of gets lost

to sometimes especially for women and for men. I've actually seen some things where men have unwanted sex because it's like a society and stuff. It's like they should just be wanting it if someone's offering it. But I think in this society of where women are taught to say no as a form of, I guess, not... You know, like... I mean, yes, or just say no as like a form of like, I guess not like, you know, like, it means yes or just say no. Like how sometimes women are like taught to say no and it's like kind of on them whether or not they have the sex in that sense,

but like not in a good way. Right. I feel like that gets lost in the sense that women then do want to be people, pleasers in there. Like it's going to be so hard to tell them I don't want to be part of it. Yeah, heart is feelings too. Yeah, and also that's why women fake orgasms too.

It all comes back to that too. Like, we don't want that part of the feel bad that we're not going to get there, but enough of that, you guys. I think that the more purposeful, intentional, and enjoyable sex we have, the better sex life we're going to have. So, sex is great. We should say no. Okay, the other thing is, you guys, I think we all think about this.

Will I have an orgasm? Is it going to be good? Am I going to have an orgasm? No one knows. There's not like an oh predictor. I guess if I use my toys, I pretty much don't get that. That would be a cool thing though. What? Tell me, like an oh predictor, like somehow you can tell, like it's going to happen. I know, right? There's something if you're like, um, like your brain or no brain is tied up to one of those EKGs or something, those machines, or like Wilshio? That'd be so great.

You're like, babe, not gonna happen tonight. It's like your ovulation schedule, like your O schedule. Not gonna have no, like sunny with a chance of NOO, we are out. But it's true, the more comfortable you are with your partner in telling them if you're gonna have orgasms or not.

But don't focus on the orgasm as my point too. Yeah. If you're not going to have cares. Intimacy, sex, kittling, kittling, kissing and cardling is kittling. I like that. Let's point that. I'm telling you. I just, I'm so loquacious.

So if you guys, so here's, if your mind is wandering you guys, here's the point before sex that is common that's going to happen, your mind is wandering before, during and after. And so I'm just acknowledging it, either saying, okay, I'm having these thoughts, they're not necessarily true, they're not necessarily what's real, I'm going to breathe and go back to the moment or letting your partner know, no, I'm not comfortable or I'm not sure I can have an orgasm. You'd be amazed at speaking the truth how much that can help you with sex when it's not done in a blaming shaming way. It's like, here's my reality now.

I'm worried about the orgasm. I'm worried about what, you know, or just a really most important thing for all these things when your brain is involved with sex. It's your mostly, even though your brain's the largest sex organ, we can impact that another time. But when your brain is worrying of all these thoughts, you're going to be having less orgasms and less pleasurable sex. Alright guys, we're going to take a quick break and we come back with your calls.

Alright, we have Eric. He's 40 in Arkansas and he's a straight male, but he has bisexual fantasies. All right. Hey, Eric. Hey, Emily, I love your show. Thanks for taking my call. Of course. Thank you, Eric.

Thanks for calling. I have a question. I'll kind of give you a little bit of background. I've been by curious kind of for about 20 years. Okay. Mainly just normal normal straight guy. Took me a little time to figure out that I'm really not like gay because I have these,

oh, and I thought, well, man, maybe I am gay, but I'm not. I figured that out, and that's fine. I'm comfortable with that, but I'm curious. That I'm just extremely curious. I'm curious. I like, yeah, I like watching porn. If the opportunity ever presented itself, yeah, I might do it, but I'm not going to cheat in

my life. I have no desire to go out and do all this stuff. I watch some of my gay porn stuff and I really enjoy it. I also feel kind of guilty. Is it learning from me to have this kind of secret life even though I'm not doing anything completely? Yeah, it is Eric. It's really common that we just have these fantasies

that we feel shame, we feel like it's secretive, and we don't want to share with our partner. So yes, that is very typical. I think a lot of us have things that we don't feel great about. So I wouldn't even say that it's a secret life. I don't think that you've done anything wrong by having these fantasies and watching the porn. But what I would love is if, I don't know,

how long have you been with your wife? Around 12 years. 12 years, I mean I do you think it's something are you ready to kind of try it or know you'd rather just keep it as a fantasy? I would love to try it. I mean if it was the opportunity and I... Well do you think she'd be, have you talked to her about it? No, she's not open to that stuff. I mean she's pretty straight-laced. Does she know, right? Really not into sex at all, to be honest. Really, she's not.

It's sex isn't her thing. We go quite a long time without. Oh. Pretty rare, but she has some issues in her past that I accept that and I don't try to change that about her, which that's okay. But. Okay, so she's not really into, and you haven't shared that you have these fantas that about her, which that's okay. But... Hmm. Okay, so she's not really into...

And you haven't shared that you have these fantasies with her, correct? No, not at all. Okay. So, I... Here's the thing, Eric. I also think that maybe you've also... You guys aren't having sex at all.

How often are you having sex? It's been about a year. Okay. So, Cecil, for a couple, like that just makes me... I want you guys to be you know have sex more often It's just part of having a healthy sex life It also makes sense Eric that you're it that your fancies are probably becoming a lot more intense Maybe you're watching porn more because you're a man like you know woman

We all need to have sexual you know fulfillment and so there's a lot here to unpack because I know you said You don't want to bother her about what happened to her issues, but I think that if she was open to it, going to therapy and discussing any issues would be really important or going into therapy together because here's the thing, I understand that we can all make say you could be with your wife and be like, you know what, it's okay, sex is important

and we're best friends, we care for each other, if you've kids, you're like we're great parents, but the sex is important in or best friends, be careful each other, if you've kids, you're like, we're great parents. But the sex is important in a relationship. And so, I kind of want you guys to work on that, if you can. But also, this fantasy, if she's just totally shut down to it, or either way, I would like her to know that you have this fantasy, so you can, if you can actually, act it out, if she would be open

to it, or you'd be into it. But it sounds like there's going to be some more communication that needs to go out with both of you. If you guys have never talked about sex, I'm assuming you haven't really talked about it. We do. We do. We talk about it actually.

Oh, good. Okay, good, good. So, what kind of things do you guys talk about? Well, it's kind of weird because it kind of goes up and down. Sometimes we talk a lot about it. Sometimes we don't talk about it. We joke with each other sometimes, some tiny things. And I don't know.

We don't really, she's not really into talking about what she likes, what I like, things like that. It's more, well, like I said, kind of jokes, and talking, well, we might try it again. I would not do this again. It really wants to see likes, it's not really open for discussion. Okay. Yeah, I would love to see that open for discussion with you guys because typically it's not

open for discussion because she's never talked about it with anyone and she might not even know what turns around, which is really common. So everything that you're talking about now happens to a lot of couples. Like you just, but it's really important, I think, like you're going to be with her right for the rest of your life. I mean, this is your, this is your wife and your woman. So they're just need to talk about it more. Let her know how much, you know, you love her and you'd love to get to a place where you

guys are both being really satisfied. And so maybe you start out with like, because I don't like that it's shut down that she will never talk about, but it could take some coaxing like she doesn't have to answer you tonight, you know, if you bring it up and don't bring it up in the bedroom. But maybe when next time you guys are out to dinner you're just kind of relaxed, lying around the house,

you get to say like, I love you, baby. I love having sex with you, but I want to get back to, I want to get to a place where we're both really and satisfied sexually. What could we do here? Like, I want to work with you and then you could have time to bring up your fantasy. So if you're ready, there's nothing wrong with you fantasizing about being bisexual or if you

think you are, but I want you guys to work on your sex life together and then maybe you'll find out that there'll be a good time for you to let her know what you're into and you'll find out what she's into because you've nothing to lose here, right? All you have to gain now is that your sex life could get better and you'll find out what she's into. Because you've nothing to lose here, right? All you have to gain now is that your sex life could get better and you could, you know, get closer together and just because she's not open now doesn't mean

that she won't be down the line. It's not a fixed state, okay? Yeah. Thanks Eric, because it's important. It really is, it matters. So. Oh, I agree. I wish that I would be better.

And I will put it really hard. I've worked on that for several years. Well, it sounds like it. Maybe we're turning the corner a bit. I just sometimes I feel guilty like, you know, she's trying and I'm trying and I have the single on the side not for real. No, I get it. But it makes sense, Eric.

I'm going to tell you you're not doing anything wrong at all. So there's no, I don't think you should have the guilt, God, much guilt in life. Like you should not have guilt about this, but it sounds like you've been trying and trying and it sounds like you need to get her. It shouldn't be a one way street, right? Because you're both in your sexual, a relationship, both of you create this connection together. So maybe just changing up the tactic and getting her to talk more and you'll figure it out here. But just keep going with it. You're going to get what you want. Just takes work. Thanks a lot. Thanks Eric for calling Sex with Emily. We have Laura from Pennsylvania. She's 27 and wants to know the best way to go about online dating.

Oh, okay. Hey Laura, thanks for calling. Hey, thank you so much for taking my call. Of course. It's a good online dating talk to me. Yeah. my goal. Of course. It's a good, online dating talk to me. Yeah. Yeah. So I've been single for a little while now and all of my friends are married or engaged or engaged to be engaged that whole thing. And I am tired of being alone. Yeah. And I want to try online dating. I work a lot, so it's hard for me to go out and meet a lot of people. I'm not so over that whole bar scene. And I'm thinking online dating is the best set for me.

I just don't know how to go about doing it with, like, it can be so lonely, you can get so many creepers, you can get. That's a really good question. No, I love this because, yeah. And how do not get the sex thing right away, like, that I was just going to send you the dick pics. Yeah. And everything, I don't need that.

I agree. No, I'm so glad. This is such a great question because we're all dating online right now. Now, here's, I mean, many people are dating online, and I think it's great. I think it's a numbers game. I think that if you really want to meet someone, you should date online, you should meet people in real life, you should let everyone know that you're single

if you're really looking for a partner, but starting a data online. So here's the thing, you want to create, I mean, there's so many choices now, there's like the swipe apps, right? So, bumble is really popular. That's where the women have to make the first move on a match. So, you're really not going to get as many creepers you might, but you have to message them first if you both match. I can talk, so do you know which apps you're going to go on? Because I would say just

kind of explore people really like hinge right now, coffee meets bagel, people have really enjoyed that one. Happen is one, like if you live in a town like HAPPN where people who often cross your path, so there's a lot of different apps. You can find that out. But what you want to do with online dating is make sure that you ask some friends maybe to help you. Put a few pictures up that make you feel good

so that you're, you know, maybe the things you love doing if you're active or you hike or you speak or play piano. Apparently we just read a study today if you have a dog that women who show their dogs in their dating photos get more matches. So that's just maybe a bar of friends dog. Good to know.

You have a dog? You can all over me right now. Oh, there you go. 69% more matches if you have a dog is the one. So about messaging. So here's my belief with it. So I understand that you're having fears around it because you haven't done it yet, but you'll realize you'll get into a rhythm. So my thing is like I want to make

sure for guy messages me like that he's read my profile. He's not just like, hey, because I have new time for hey, like at least make a comment. So we both went to University of Michigan or I see like hiking. I have that looks like a trail I want to pay attention. So know that you've said something. And then I like to message back, but here's where I cut off, Laura. I don't want to go back and forth and back and forth. And then if it turns in sexting right away, I'm like, out, you can block them, you can cut them off. I like to say that I will message for a few times, but then I say, let's meet or let's

talk on the phone, which I think sounds kind of bold, but some people like, oh, no way, I don't even talk on the phone to my mother. But to me, you can save a lot of time by not having to get up, get ready, go to meet someone when you're like, not into them. So I think even talking on the phone for a few minutes to vet them, but make sure that process is quick. Like you don't want to go on for three weeks. Like there's some people we hear from, they're like, we were in love.

We've never met, but we've been messaging for a month or something. So I think that you can pretty much have control of it, you know, without you can kind of learn to avoid those people. And they're not just hook up apps too. I feel like when people worry about that, there's another thing they, sure, people are dating on Tinder. And Tinder's, I think Tinder's great too, because I think you can control your messaging. Like, if you're not available for hook it up, you could say no hook ups, you could just not respond

to people who make it seem like that's what they want. So I feel like if you're smart about it, you can kind of cultivate an online dating behavior that will work for you. That's awesome advice. Because I always think like, oh, it's just, they're all going to be sexy and everything like that. And it's not that I'm not into that.

But I want to get to know you for the first of all, start seeing pictures of you. Exactly. Yeah, I don't want your dick pic or anything like that. I get it. I feel like if you're sparring about it, you can just block them. It's done. And you control the message.

You control when you see them. You let them know. I'm not into this. Let's pick up the phone. And then you could see who's serious, who's not. If they just, you know, so I think you'll know once you start, but I love that you just do it. Like, and then you could fine tune it. If you're like, this profile wasn't great,

I'll rewrite what I'm saying here. And you'll just learn through the process, talk to your friends who have done it. I think we have might have some stuff on our website at sextheadly.com about online dating. Maybe I think we do. Had some tips. We've got some podcasts about it too.

So good luck, Laura. If you want to call back, once you get your profile up, we've done some podcasts about it too. So good luck Laura. If you want to call back, once you get your profile back and help you, as you move along, I'm here every night. So forget all the warnings, just do it and trust your gut. Thanks Laura, thanks for calling Sex with Family. I think we know people, we can kind of tell. Like if someone's going off in a direction

doesn't feel good, like trust your gut with these things. That was your time. And you can't find love. I have a friend that I have a friend that I'd really love, trust your gut with these things. You waste your time. And you can't find love. I have a friend who badly loves men on Bumble. Yeah. People find love on, it's not even like this anomaly anymore. Like, people are finding love, sustainable love online

because it is a numbers game and you will just simply meet more people that way. You might have to date a hundred people, but you're going to find someone more likely than sitting home and scrolling through Instagram. So, that's all I feel about that. I love online eating though. We also have some great tips.

We could also do online eating tips. We've got some good things about profiles and what to say, what not to say. Okay, we have Jessica 37 and Mississippi and she wants to make her sex life better when she's dealing with trauma. All right, take Jessica, thanks for calling. Hi, Gary. Yes, thanks for calling. Hi.

Hey, Yuri. Yes, I got you. Hi. Yeah, I actually met my husband through a dating site. So that's also, I'm married. Oh, good. I've been married for five years. Great.

I guess I deal with a lot of, I do in home services for counseling and I deal with a lot of kids who dealt with trauma. So there's a lot of secondary trauma and dealing with my own traumas, I guess. So it interferes with my six life and being intimate with my husband and he's normally the initiator and that obviously for Helmins frustrating he's like I want you to initiate I want you to make effort but me it's not so much fun. Yeah I get it. The initiation thinking can be a thing in relationships like figuring out like what does that mean and how do I even know when I want to sex and I'm used to him initiating. But first let's go back to the trauma for a second. So was it a sexual trauma? Yes, I was sotomized at a very young age. But it was again, right? Jessica, I'm sorry to hear that.

Have you had any treatment around it? I'm actually in therapy right now. Great. I have like, it's secondary eating disorder, also the, also the trauma. So I feel under the, it's not just the trauma, I guess, per se with the sex stuff. It's also body image stuff. Yeah. So it's deeper and faster.

So it's like when I do have sex it's obligatory almost. Yeah. It's like I was not doing this is what I do. I don't really enjoy it. Got it. And I guess that's part of... Yeah. You're like I'm not going to initiate it because yeah I don't even enjoy this.

So the further I can say away. So have you ever had there been a period in your life where you felt like you did enjoy sex? Um... Maybe when I first got married and I was like... period in your life where you felt like you did enjoy sex? Um, maybe when I first got married, I was married before, and I got divorced. I think that I was nothing to do with it too, but I mean it never was enjoyable to the point of having orgasms. I've never had orgasms in this group. You know, masturbation.

That's awesome though. So I would say, here's what I would say to you, is that this seems like, and I'm so glad you're in therapy working on all this, you know, trauma, working on the eating disorders. I mean, that's all tied in body image. So, I mean, my prescription, the number one that I think would say is masturbation in, like, self love, like, really doing more of that. And when you're masturbating, figure out what is turning you on? What gets you in the mood? Where does your mind go?

Do fantasies? It is true that the more women really masturbate because it is self love, hashtag self love. Because then you realize, wow, my body can give me such pleasure. And it can make me feel really good. And it also can help you get into the mood. The masturbation will help you realizing like your body is this beautiful thing that can help you have pleasure. Is that something that you think you might want to do more often or you could also do it

with your partner, with your husband, mutual masturbation? It sounds like you were really loving a husband. So here's the other thing you might ask about the initiation thing. You could say to him, I know you want me to initiate more. I mean, hopefully, I think you've said you've shared your stuff with him. You could say, I'm not sure what that looks like or that's more challenging. Can you tell me what initiating looks like to you? And he might say, I just want you to kiss my neck or I just want you to

text me that when you get home tonight, we're gonna have sex. I mean, it looks different to everyone. And so as we just need more information when our partners put down a declaration like that. That's such a simple answer. Yeah. A huge problem. Yeah. Are you going to argue? I'm gonna. Yeah. There you go. I would ask him tonight and say, babe, I want to please you. Like, I wanted to shake, but with all my stuff going on, I just need to know from you what does it look like. And then you guys could start a conversation. And that might just be like, okay, I'm going to start with this one thing.

He said he wants me to kiss his neck. I'm going to kiss his neck. You know what I'm saying? And then it makes it easier for you. Yeah? To get it going. Yeah, there you go. A lot of this stuff is, I'm just hearing it out, you guys. You know, it can be simple.

We just got to act on it, you know? Okay. I like your show. Thank you Jessica. Well, let me know how it goes. Okay, I'll be here for you every night. I'm here for you all. A lot of it is stuff.

Maybe it is simple. You're right. It's little things, you guys. Little talks. Communication is lubrication. The more we talk about it, the better sex we're going to have. Okay, everyone, thanks for listening to this show. I appreciate you all, and to my amazing team, Ken, Sarah, producer, Jamie, and Michael.

Was it good for you? Email me, feedback at sexwithemily.com. you