Sex With Emily - Sexual Likes, Dislikes & Stereotypes

Episode Date: March 21, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is talking about why you shouldn’t make assumptions about your partner’s sexual likes and dislikes, and she’s taking your calls. She covers what to do when you love your sex toys, but your fiancé hasn’t quite come around yet, you keep getting stereotyped as a taker because of how you look – but you’re definitely a giver, and key rules to maintaining something long-distance (hint – it can’t be that way forever). Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Pjur, Jopen, Fleshlight, SiriusXM Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit sexwithemily.com Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily! On today's show, I'm talking about why you shouldn't make assumptions about your partner's sexual likes and dislikes, and I'm taking your calls. Topics include, you love your sex toys, but your fiance hasn't quite come around yet. What to do if you keep getting stereotyped as a taker because of how you look, but you're definitely a giver. And my rules to maintaining something long distance. Hint, can't be that way forever.

All this and more, thanks for listening. I'm gonna buy you a gondola. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh my! The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common knowledge? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks?

Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so, so, so, so, so. Being bad feels pretty good. You know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, you can find everything at sexlamy.com. You can also subscribe.

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All right, follow me on social media also at Sex with Family Across the Board. I'd enjoy the show. So this is a study they came out our story, which I've heard this in recent years, but I love when things get scientifically proven. Me too, science and sex just go together so well. They do, but they well. They do.

They really, really do. And we're going to be doing our own studies here, our own polls, which we'll keep you updated on. But this says that women get bored in bed faster than men. How about that? Blender mind out of water, which I've known this in my heart and soul. Not that we get bored. I mean, not like that we're always bored.

Let me break this down for you. So the study suggests that women grow disinterested in sex with a long term sexual partner faster than men. And the thing about why I find this interesting is because I think this also flies in the face of what we often believe when we talk about myths around sex or things that we all kind of believe

is that men are hungry for variety and they want, they get bored and they need to have sex with somebody else and Women just want attention and love and all those things which you know stuff that all of that is true in many cases but The study shows that if they women have been together more than a year and they live with their partner They feel less sexual desire. So what does that mean? It means that we get bored in a monogamous relationship

because we actually crave variety. And while men are okay with the kind of sex they're having, we lose desire first, but what happens is, and you guys know if you've been listening, we lose desire, but we don't know how to talk about it. We have a hard time accepting women sometimes of a hard time accepting that they want more sex than their partners, they we've all

But I told that women are I'm talking about stereotypes here women are frigid not tonight honey. I have a headache and it's men Who are more like I want sex all the time so when women feel like God I want sex more We automatically blame ourselves and think like well, that's really weird. That's not normal. I don't want to offend my partner Well, that's really weird, that's not normal. I don't want to offend my partner. You know, we've been told that men want it more, so we just kind of decide not to say anything many times. And then the sex life just grows into something that's really kind of more comfortable and predictable.

And because women, we want more sex, and we want it to change, but we don't know how to ask for it. And we don't even know sometimes what that looks like to want more sex than a partner, to want a different kind of sex. And so this is another example how women sometimes repress our desires. Are we press what we want in bed?

And we're kind of taught to squash it in many ways that we just feel like we won't, we'll be rejected if we stand up and ask for what we want and that we know that we want variety, but we don't know how to bring into the relationship, which is why we are here to help you figure that out, to figure out how to ask for what you want, that you're totally fine if you want more sex in your partner,

but how do we work around it? And another interesting thing here is as, and this is so true, the first time we have sex with someone new, we have an anxiety, right? Or the first few times, we're afraid they're gonna reject us. Like maybe they won't want to be with us anymore, or maybe they won't show up.

And then finally, when we're comfortable in the relationship, we never want to live with that insecurity anymore. We're like, I've got someone, I'm settled down, they like having sex with me, why rock the boat? Yeah. I don't want to rock the boat. If I bring it up, I'm so afraid of, at the end of the day, in many areas of life life the reason why we don't speak up men and women

We're afraid to be rejected and that ultimately we're not lovable. That's like the human condition Yeah, I'm not fearful. You're full of do you think also that In the beginning because it's new it just feels like it's good and then when time goes by that They're like oh crap if I bring this up now, they're going to think this entire time has been terrible. Yes, absolutely. We're so sensitive towards and then we're so sensitive towards around sex. So anytime we get any feedback around sex, a lot of us just turn it and think, well,

what am I doing wrong? I've been messing up the whole time. It's been really bad. My partner's not happy. So, yeah, we do. We don't say anything because we are afraid of that bringing it up. And the interesting thing is that also this point, I like this. The bottom line brings much variety as possible into relationship.

So the sexual activity remains interesting. So compared to a water park, if you always do the same slides, you're going to end up bored. if you're always doing the same things you end up Yeah, and then you go it's like just kind of going through the motions and then it's like are you even I don't think either partner really thinks about Why they're even doing it the same way each time right because they don't know other options to get out of it either like and like what you were just asking me What you just said which I didn't get to, was about how women, what did you just say in my brain? Women who don't. Well, it's because they're like, they.

Oh, we're afraid, at the beginning, it's always great. Yeah. It's always great, you guys. It's whole honeymoon phase. It's great in the beginning. The same reason, like the opposite is true. So it's great in the beginning, because it's new and novel, and it is varied.

You've never done doggy style with this person. You've never had an orgasm with this person. You've never had an orgasm with this person. You've never had sex outside, but there's all these firsts and that's novelty and that's different and exciting in the newness early stages. So you maybe you are having better sex. It might not be the best sex, the most pleasurable sex,

but that you're stimulated because it's new stimuli. It's new information, new stuff. And then six months go by, year, you move in, and then you're like, oh, yeah, no, it's not that it wasn't great or whatever, but you got kind of bored of it. And you don't know how to bring it, keep it spicy, keep it interesting. You don't know how to keep doing things and talking about it. So you don't get bored. It is possible, you guys.

That's what I'm here to tell you is that it is possible to dig yourself out of a sexual rut. It is possible to figure out what you actually want in bed and What you want in a relationship and then communicate that effectively so you won't be rejected and you can even do it In a way, their partner is going to get on board Because your partner should get on board with the plan of wanting to have better sex. I think that's a That's a fine goal for every really. I mean, it should be. Yeah. So, what do you say to people?

Because there have been times where we've had callers calling or people email into us. And they say that, I want to spice things up, and I've tried to talk to my partner and ask them, and they've just like, no, I'm completely fine with how our sex life is. Like, do you think that like, that's actually true. Those people are actually really content with doing the same thing and they've been together for five years? I think if you scratch the surface that most people's first reaction are going to be like everything's fine.

It's great. And they might actually believe that because they've never once even questioned that maybe sex isn't as great. And then if they ever have even their brain has gone to the point where maybe it could be better, they shut down. They repress it because they're like, I wouldn't even know what to do with making my sex life better or more interesting. So it's a lot easier to say, everything's great.

I love it. And so my point is, yeah, it could be great. But I don't know. I look at it like life. Like I'm the kind of person who's always learning. I'm always taking new therapy classes, sex courses, reading, learning, I'm always growing, even though I am the expert in many ways.

I don't think I'm ever done learning and I feel that way about exercise. I don't do the same thing every day because I want to mix that up too. So it's just the way we learn. So I think to get set in any way, and if you guys go out to eat at the same restaurant every night, you do the same exact thing all the time in any way you're going to get bored. So I think that people who say, no, it's

great. I don't need anything. I think that that's sad to me because I feel like if you really take a look at it, it might be even great. You might even say, Emily, it's the best sex of my life. But I'm going to argue with you that, yeah, that's great. But what about making it even better, more pleasurable? What if there's something else I could teach you that would guarantee that you and your partner will always be into sex and working on it and looking at ways to keep it alive and keep it interesting?

What do you say to people? Because this has also come up, and I always think it's interesting because it's like It's almost like forming a new habit But not making the habit the same all the time because people will be like well I said something and then that next time we had sex it was awesome and then after that It just went back to the same old stuff. Yeah, and you got to bring it up that the second it goes back to the other stuff You bring it up again. This is the main thing you guys the sex conversation does not not happen once. It happens a lot. And it happens in a way that you both feel comfortable with it, even if it's awkward at first, but you'll get into your own groove of how to talk about it. So yeah, if it doesn't happen, how much better is it in the moment or in

that in that for the next day to be like, Oh, I loved two weeks ago, how you made that effort to initiate and that felt so good. I'd love to keep that going. You always want to pause the read. I mean, I guess we're all afraid also being nagging like people called in the other night. They're like, we had it 10 years ago, we had the conversation.

I just think that's not enough. You know, what are the statute of limitations? I don't remember what happened 10 minutes ago. I don't. We had a conversation, maybe we had it. Do I remember? And a lot of times it's kind of like when you go to the, this is what the sex conversations initially remind people go to a doctor and you're getting like a diagnosis or they're telling you something at your

health, we often only hear like 30% of what they're saying. So if it's the first time you've talked to your partner about sex, something they might have been like half freaked out. What am I doing wrong in their brain? And they're like, oh yeah, yeah, I want to please you and then they miss it. And they don't want to bring it up again. So just remember, it's like that.

It's like us, it's an intense conversation that can elicit a lot of fear in people. But ultimately, if you just keep bringing it up in a loving way, it's gonna work out. So Jamie, I've been thinking, picking a new toy is kind of like finding a partner. I mean, if you're gonna spend that much time together in the bedroom, I know it's the right one.

That's very true. I never really looked at it like that. I know. And there's so many to choose from now. And there's the whole like bigger, better deal around the corner. People say that about dates and stuff. Like is this person gonna be better?

But when you narrow it down to the right toys, those are the only ones we talk about here. Because they matter. I don't want you guys to make a mistake. That's why we're so excited to welcome Calexotics to the podcast and to the show. They're one of the very first founders of the American toy industry,

and they still run by the woman who started it. She's awesome. So they definitely know how to get your needs met. And they're a cool company. Like when we went to Sex Toy Expo and they were there, they had a Tiki Bar set up and they're a cool company. Like when we went to Sucks toy Expo and they were there, they had a Tiki bar set up and they're just very inviting and they were,

Jamie love their free drinks. I did, but it was like everyone was so nice there. No, they're so cool. They're like a quality brand. They have luxurious toys. Okay, so they're new Pave line. Oh, so pretty. Guys, they're gorgeous.

Like this is the connoitory you legitimately, it's a great gift for your friends, for your partner. It's like their bright turquoise, kind of like a Tiffany's box. And it's like what you've been wanting, but even better, honestly. Like I got something from Tiffany's once and the best part was opening the box.

Well yeah, cause I mean, it was like some weird, it wasn't even, it was like a key chain, but the point is, just the thing about the box. But these toys, you open the box and then they have little diamonds on them. Like they've got real diamonds, obviously, but that would be a million dollars for the vibrator, but like there's just so cute.

The Pave Merlin, it's a dual motor rabbit massager adorned with crystals and offering 35 sensational vibrations. That's a lot, 35. 35. I mean, don't ever tell me you're getting bored there in the bedroom with you 35 settings. What else do, don't ever tell me you're getting bored there in the bedroom. You've 35 settings.

What else do you need me to tell you to tell? I'm taking a week off, by the way Emily. Yeah, I know. I'm taking the week off. I don't care if you guys stay in Trey Toys or I'm out of town. But, okay, you guys, if you also want a more controlled way to play with your partner, the Pave Diana

is the perfect travel size vibe to get it done. So, maybe I'll bring that one on my trip. Oh yeah, because you're leaving. I'm leaving. I'm leaving. You should see the toys I'm traveling with, and this is one of them. So if you always want to treat yourself

to one of these incredible toys, or get one as a gift, this is the thing. If you like I've been wanting to go with my partner, but she might be weird about it, these are beautiful and amazing and reasonably priced. Check out the full Pave line of toys by going to sexwithemily.com slash CalX. That's sexfamily.com slash C-A-L-E-X.

All right, guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back onto your calls. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Okay, we have Mackenzie who's 25 in Utah and she wants to know how to get her partner into using toys. Alright, hey Mackenzie. Hey Emily. Hi, thanks for calling.

One of my favorite subjects. Of course, I'm here for you. Yes. I have some questions. I've been with my partner who's my nephew on the safe for about three and a half years. I have over the last year been trying to help get him to open up. He is in college just because I have a harder time in Michigan or in the Oregon without them. Yeah. And kind of just knows us with things and just things that are great without it. It's a team that's great, but I just want to close

our room we can organize together and I feel like I'll get me there whether or later or fully. I just want to give any tips. Absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah, no, let me tell you this. So Mackenzie, here's a thing about using toys. Like you, you know that's what gets you this. So Mackenzie, here's the thing about using toys. Like you know that's what gets you there. For a lot of women, we don't orgasm during intercourse. It just doesn't happen. Like 20% of women do, 80% don't.

And so it makes sense that you need your toys. So here's what you have to overcome. It sounds like your fiance said he doesn't want them in the room. Is that what you said? He's not as comfortable with it. Yeah, nothing doesn't want them. I guess he's just not as comfortable. I feel like the awkward part is that we circle and busy and then I reach to my nice band.

It's kind of like an awkward. The awkward past. Right. Okay, so this is I've heard right. Exactly. So he's not that he's not down with it. So what you gotta do is literally leave it. I mean, what I do is, because I'm the same way, I go in my room to have sex, like it's out. Like I'm, it's part of it. It's like I grab the lube, I use condoms or whatever, and the toys. So I think once you start using it with them

and he sees like how much pleasure that gives you and your vibrations feel great for men too, he'll be comfortable, but it's like a lot of things. It's like ripping that banded off. Like the first time it might be awkward, and he sees how much pleasure that gives you and vibrations feel great for men too. He'll be comfortable, but it's like a lot of things. It's like ripping that banded off. The first time it might be awkward, but once he sees it, it doesn't have to be. You might also wanna just show him before,

so I'm sorry, but you said you have used it with him before, but it gets awkward. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, I just get a little awkward, or I just wanted to be more excited and all around. I mean, three not hears isn't forever, but we're going to be going on forever. Yeah, you guys are getting married.

So here's the thing, Mackenzie. It sounds to me like, do you also have, you guys have to have a conversation about what you require, what you need, like what turned you on because it sounds like maybe a little foreplay. If you probably need more clitorial stimulation like every woman on the planet. So oral sex, foreplay, slowing things down a little bit. Have you guys experimented with any of that? Yes, we have. And as you spend a lot more on noticing and trying and helping me a lot more

now, so that's been helpful. I think some of our struggle is that my look at her is a lot higher than his. So making the time last of the scanner maybe once or twice a week versus him getting off really quickly because it's easy for him to, but just harder for me, even previous partners, and hard with. So the fact that he's stuck around means a lot to me. And I guess I guess I'm just like questioning a little bit of trying to work on communication with that. That's what we're all talking about.

So here's the thing about communication. That's really, I mean, feel like, oh, do you talk about blow jobs all day on your show Emily? I've never heard it. I'm like, yeah, I do, but really mostly what I talk about is communication. Communication is a lubrication. The more we talk about it, we're gonna have better sex, but it's not easy for us to do.

So I'm so glad you realize that that's really what it is. And so my best tips for communication, Mackenzie is really just to have a conversation about it and outside the bedroom. So you don't do it right after sex and you don't do it right before sex. But you do it like when you guys are hanging out on a Sunday morning or having brunch

or whenever you guys feel like you're just relaxing and you're in your good space. And so that's when you say don't you know? I'd love to talk about, you know, let's talk about our sex life. Like I'm already loving the sex we're having and like let's figure out some other things we could do to continue to make it interesting and great

for both of us. And while you might be cringing right now because you can't imagine those words coming out of your mouth, I'm telling you, it just, it'll get easier. He's probably gonna say, you know, okay, let'll get easier. He's probably going to say, you know, okay, let's talk, or if he doesn't, you know, you just kind of bring it up again. And this is the kind of thing that this is going to be your husband, you're going to spend

your life with him, that it's going to get easier over time. And then it's going to be a part of what you guys talk about, like where are we going to go on some revocation? You know, where are we going to go for dinner? And then how was our sex last night? And it becomes, this is how sex gets better. So I think it's making sure that it's casual. You're not blaming, you're not shaming, you're not telling them that I need this to happen. I need that to happen.

It's more like, what could we do together to make sure that we're both having pleasure? So it's really more like that. And then, yeah. And then finding some toys maybe like that you guys could use together is really fun and then showing him how to use the toy on you so it's not such a separate thing. Sometimes, yeah, mutual masturbation is really fun if you guys are you're using it and then he's you know getting himself off and then you kind of look over and it's hot and then he's also seeing how you touch yourself. Do you have any recommendations for toys for a catorotry relation?

Well, be like, I'm on top or something. I wish there could just be something count free. But there are. No, I've got hands free stuff for you. I've got to know about all the toys in the plant. I don't think we talk about toys as much on here as we should, but you guys, I know about every toy on the planet. So I think, well, first of all, right now,

are you not, what kind of toy are you using right now? I just have a bullet. A bullet, yeah, bullets can be kind of awkward to hold in your hand. So the first thing I always recommend is the Wevibe Sync. And it's a couples toy that you can actually wear during intercourse, totally hands free. So it's like a C shape. And it fits inside, so it's like a C.

And it goes inside of you, like clips on. You're going to get clips onto your vagina, your vulva. So it's like hitting an inside, hitting your juice pot on the outside C's on your clitoris. And so for a lot of couples that can work in the Wevibe Sync is the best because you could actually even have different vibration patterns, you can control it with an app if you want or you just turn down and go. So that's a great one for a lot of couples.

There's also like a vibrating ring, like a penis ring that he could wear and then you could, you know, when you're on top of them underneath them, you could also feel great and screaming, oh, make some rings, if you wanna check those out, it's all at sexwithemily.com, if you go to our website. We've got a lot of things there, a lot of toys. And we also have a blog on there, I believe two, about like, how to talk to your partner about using toys and first time using them.

So thank you, Mackenzie, for calling in, keep me posted, calm, with any questions. Let's do a little sex hack. Okay, all right. All right, All right. So this came to us as an email, but we thought this would be a fun thing to talk about. Okay. From Amy, who's 27 in South Carolina, and she says she's been with her boyfriend for about

a year. He went to a different law school, so now they're long distance. She's really proud of them, but in a shocking twist, not as psyched about the distance. She really values physical touch. That's her love language, and long distance is obviously making that difficult. At first, sexting and phone sex were new and exciting, but it's become hard to tune a sheet with him

back in school and living with roommates. Do you have any recommendations for keeping things hot? Ooh, okay, this is from Amy in North Carolina. Okay, Amy, here's the thing. It is tricky to be in a long distance relationship. My love language is the same as yours. I am physical touch and I think it could be really tough not to have that with a partner. So how do you actually keep the intimacy alive in a long distance relationship?

But the good news is that it's a pretty good time to be, if you're in a long business relationship, it's not a bad time to be alive in this, in this century, in this year to be in a long business relationship. Because there's a lot more easy ways to connect. And beyond just like texting and calls, I think it's important to like make a date, like pencil in time that you guys are going to have a date. And it's going to be a date that you're skyping, you're face timing, and you're sitting there eating, you're having a conversation, and you're talking about things, and you're like

having, you know, you could get dressed up and make like a dinner out of it. You're on an actual date, like I don't know, like I face time with a few people like my nieces and my mom, and I feel like it's not the same thing, but it's pretty damn, like it, you know, I can't touch them and get in the hug, but you are connecting over FaceTime. So I think, make it a date and be like, I'm not gonna have my roommates come in, you're gonna lock the door, we're gonna have a plan.

I also think it's important to have some good conversations when you're on these calls too, like being away from each other and you guys have been together for a year and you're 27. So you guys are still figuring yourself out. And the thing about long distance relationships, the problem with them is that I like to call them like vacation relationships because it feels like you're actually on a vacation every time you're in a desert.

I like that. Yeah, because you miss each other a lot and then you're like, oh my god, we see each other and everything's amazing because we only have four days and we're going to suck the life out of it and each other. And the sex is amazing and then you have that teasing and that longing built in to this scenario. And I thought we all crave for sex, at least a lot of women.

And Matt, we crave that longing and desire and the teasing is so hot, so you have that built in. That's the good news, but when you're away from each other, you're not living in the same place. It's hard to know like, are we still compatible on a how do we stay connected the same place. It's hard to know, like, are we still compatible on how do we stay connected? So I think it's important to like still like do FaceTime and I'm saying, oh, this is why the reason why it's great

to be single is because there's a lot of really cool friggin' toys right now. We vibe has most of their toys are can be connected to the We Connect app, which is a free app, which is kind of like FaceTime, but however, like you could, there's video component. Your partner can vibe you, they can control your vibrator that you are using from their phone. It can pair from anywhere in the world. In the next room, in the next continent, you can control it. So that's

really fun too. You guys can be sexy together. Also, have a conversation where you're like asking questions. Like, there's always great books where you like, there's not books, but like lists of questions that you ask your partner, like things you don't know about them. Like how do they see their life? And what are they, you know rather than just like how's your day? Like this is I think just talking can allow you guys to get more intimate when you're saying like what do you see in your, I don't know your, what are those games that they have, like those table conversation games? Are we like table topics? I think it's what's called.

Table topics, they're like, they once, for dating or how to get your partner better. There's like some questions, I can't think with Aaron, but I've had them before, I've talked about them before about like really like get to know your partner questions. Like I think it was in that thing, like if you've been dating someone for a year, what you should already know.

And I think like, like it's a good time to not to, I, I, I'm cool with you in the long distance relationship. But my other rule with long distance relationships is that make sure that there is a endpoint, make sure that there is a time that you know that you're going to be moving back to the same city. Because that can also just be a dead end. You're like, well, why am I in this long distance thing? I'm 27 years old.

There's a lot of people around where young people, single people where I'm at. And like, I don't know that you want to spend all the time in the long distance relationship. If it's never going to be a point where you're moving back to the same city. So all that's important. Play together, mutual masturbation, have patience and ask real questions. And don't get fooled by the amazing weekends you have together once a month or whenever because there's some real relationship work to figure out when you're not together. Yeah, I know it's probably hard depending on how far away people are and their money situation. But if that wasn't really, like, how often do you think at least, like bare minimum for

long distance relationships, you should go without seeing each other or like, you know, how often should you try to meet up? I mean, honestly, like once a month if you can, but I think people go a lot longer than that. Obviously, like once a week, like I'm right, a boyfriend when I was seven to go L.A., we'd see each other maybe once every two weeks, but it's an hour flight. People do it all the time though. I just think, and you know, it does work for a lot of couples, like super busy.

They have great times in their together, but I just think, you know it does work for a lot of couples like super busy They have great times in their together, but I just think you know more so than not and don't get lazy with it Like the intimacy you can't have the real physical intimacy So you have to get intimacy through talking through the phone through like learning more about each other Just because you're not a part like yes, you can talk about your day, but get into some meteor topics Because you don't have the distractions of like Just go to a movie. Let's just watch Netflix like you actually have to talk to the person. So I think find out Yeah, I'm trying to figure out moving to the same city. Yeah, I mean, I think because I'm I'm a person that I Really don't think I'm capable of doing a long distance relationship

I just and if maybe it was one of those things where when we're with, when we're actually physically with each other, we'll be with each other, but when we're apart, we're apart. Yeah. Because I just don't, I wouldn't be able to, not that I wouldn't trust them, I just wouldn't be able to like handle not having them there. Like, I need that. Yeah, that makes sense. That totally makes sense. I wouldn't need that, but I actually used to. Have you ever had one? Yeah, I've had several, now that I'm remembering. And I actually, like what I was like 28, I was dating a guy in Texas for like a year maybe, but I was so busy and so, like, but he would, he was, oh god, I don't know, and he wouldn't,

I just know, but the point is, I'm like, he was so over, I met him and he was like flipped over me every week. He sent me, he sent me like these orchids. Like I remember they came to my office every day like he was saying we orchids and lilies. And he was so, he was flying in almost every weekend to stay up to go and they like take me to Mexico. It was like a very, he was a very like extravagant long ago this boyfriend.

But I would see him a lot. And but I realized that once we, he finally did move to the city, that it was really fun dating, because it was a vacation relation. And he was very attentive. And he filled all my needs in that way, because I love like words.

And you like, I would wake up in the morning, and be like an email from him with all the words. And all the things, and I often saw him. But then when we moved to the same place, I realized I would probably long distance for a year, after like two months. I was like, no. Oh no. Oh, wait. This is gonna end.

And then yeah, the guy, I've done several long distance. I used to actually joke that I really liked them because I was so freaking busy that I kind of liked it. This is how we've changed over time. I don't think now. I'm like now I would not want a long distance relationship at all. I just, I want to be with someone and see them and hang out.

So, but I even if someone's inventive to me, that's long distance. Like, I can't date someone who lives more than two miles from me. Yes. Unless they come to me, I don't, I hate driving. I'm never gonna get there. I'll be late.

Like, I dated a guy in Venice and I first moved here. I'm in West Hollywood. That doesn't mean anything to you. It's like a 45 minute drive. If you're lucky. And like, on the weekends, it's like an hour. And then parking. And I, I hate, I was such a bitch by the time I got there.

I was like, I don't know, I just, I really like my own, I like being in my space in my bed. Well, what about like the compromise? Oh, really? I would compromise. You really, really like the pattern. That like my last three boyfriends were all upset that I did not go to their house.

Okay, yeah, I compromise. I'm just realizing a pattern that like my last three boyfriends were all upset that I did not go to their house. Okay, yeah, I compromised. I would go there, I would, I did. I tried to go there. Or like meet in the middle, like, but then where are you gonna have a time? Yeah, when you're having sex. Well, I get that. I'm saying like during the week, if you really wanted to see them,

like find a spot to eat dinner, like meet in the middle. Cause 45, honestly, I mean, Venice isn't that far, but it's the traffic that drives you crazy. It's not just 45, it's like an hour. It's horrible. And the parking honestly, I mean, Venice isn't that far, but it's the traffic that drives you crazy. It's not just 45, it's like an hour. It's horrible. And the parking too, I totally understand that. Yeah, I mean, the only thing I missed about driving

is that I would call people more. And I would listen to more radio and podcasts and stuff. And now I don't do anything, because my commute is six minutes. So I don't talk to anyone, and I don't get home, and I don't want to talk. Anyway, the point is, I just want something to live 1.2 miles for me, like everything else.

I'm like, that's too much ass, but I get, this is when you're busy, yeah. But this person, when they would send you like letters or emails or whatever, they would have like sexy emails. Like, what a thing. I have them in the garage printed. We'll find them. This is like all the stories, the 20th.

Where they sexy? No, I mean, you sexy for me at 28. I didn't even know what that meant. Can you make a sexy email? Like, would that be something that people can do? I don't know, just together. Yes, you guys send sexy notes to each other. This is the time you guys, when you used to get letters and like, you in the mail, like

he was definitely saying like, you're so hot and I'm into you and stuff like that. So I think it's really sweet to write like a sexy, like what you're thinking about and what you wanna do to them next time you see them and like a kinky story about the last time you're a writer, write up like the hot last time you were together and what made you so like turned on by it,

like send it to him in the mail. People don't do that anymore. I would love to get a letter because I'm tired of bills. Yeah. Exactly. When you're younger you're like I want to get mail and then when you get older like it's always bills. There's never a letter. That's true. But I used to mail was so exciting. I said I'll I said no letters. I was thinking that but then Michelle would mail it for me probably. Yeah, it would be me. But I would be from Emily with a little kiss. Yeah, I love getting letters. I can't bring peck letters. Can't bring good mailing people stuff. I think that's great. Send them something sexy. Use your words. I love it. Because you're going to need words to connect and along this relationship as well.

Okay, let's talk to Marcus who's 25 in California and I'm not sure if I understand the question, but I'm going to see. It says, why is sex between a man and a woman? Why does it always have to be like taking from a woman? So let's see if we can. My question, hey Marcus, thanks for calling. Hey, hey, hey. Hey, what's up?

I've been trying to stop before I got to go on to work to be honest with you. Nice. Okay. I'm here for just a way some time with me. Okay. So here's a little bumming. I'm a 611, 315 black man. And when I approach women or talk to them, they assume I want, all I want to, you know, that all I wanted to take from them, I don't want to take them out. I want all I want is you know that all I wanted to take from them I don't want to take them out. I want to have the pleasure. I want to get pleasure Okay, and like I aim to please But it's a little difficult because of my height and my stature my my voice I guess I would say okay, so I guess I'm still I type that somebody that wants to take so how do I avoid that?

That's so interesting. Okay, Marcus. So tell me how you know that to be true Give me some evidence. So, okay, here's an example. Maybe about four weeks ago, I pushed one machine was maybe about five, eight, five, nine, nice long hair. Your body was just like my tight, you know. And I'm approaching, you know, I approach you in a very calm manner know and I'm approaching you know I approach

you in a in a very calm manner and I promote what I do is I'm a stand-up comedian promote you know and then she came at me saying you know the only reason why you're trying to talk to me is because you want to get some from me and it's not happening and I was and I sat there and I looked at her and my mom going, wait a minute, I think you killed, but you know, while you think automatically I'm trying to get that. Right. Yeah. And so that happens. I mean, I was a thing. I feel like, did you just go up to her and start talking to her? You were just, maybe she was playing you. Like women

like to tease back and she's like, you just want to, I think that's a certain personality type. Right? Of a woman? Like, you just started to... What? You should have seen her face. She looked at me crazy.

I mean, she looked at you like, like, did you just randomly start talking or and she's like, you just want to get, I mean, I understand a lot of women have that. Where were you guys at first while we were at a bar, were you at a club, were you at the comedy club? So this was, I was roaming about promoting because I was show coming up, and there was a group of friends. And my answer was, hey, my name is Marcus, people just call me Fuzz, I'm a static comedian.

And then the question, well, from what are our friends was, what are they call you, Fudge? There's different, you know, generic different things, I say. One of them is, sweet enough to give you diabetes, sweet enough to call the cavity. I can show you better not to tell you,

is there's different stuff that I play along with? Uh-huh. And then one of the other friends kind of like started talking to me while the other friends were talking. And the girls started talking, I'm sorry. And it was, it went from me promoting and me talking to her like, Hey, let's hang out some time and to, this all you want. Okay. Well, but you said sweet enough to give you candy, sweet enough, whatever. I'm this guy. I'm coming up to a group of four women. So in that scenario, I could see her with her friends and you're like,

let's go. If you asked her out within the first 30 seconds, and let's go out some time, and you're talking about sweet enough, even though that's your jam fudge, diabetes candy, I could understand that. I could understand a woman just kind of making a joke, like, you're not going to get me, or maybe she gets hit out all the time.

So I think it's your approach. Like, you know what I mean? We all know is women, the guys who want to get with us. So if a guy is like right away, like this will be the best thing you ever had, or I'm sweet, even if you're joking and it's your jam. But if you just go up to someone at Starbucks and you start talking, like, how's your day? I don't think that that woman would be like, you just want to have sex with me. Even if you asked her out by the time you're latte got there.

You know what I'm saying? And there is kind of a stigma around comedians. We do talk about that here. We've all dated comedians, I believe, or at least two of us, three of us. Yes, unfortunately. Yeah, no, I love comedians. I do.

I mean, come on. So that's what I think it is, Mark. I mean, it could be your stature. I get all of that, right? Just like being a hot chick, getting hit at all the time. Like there's stuff like that. Like you, I think like, oh, do you guys just think I'm pretty not I'm not smart.

That was my big issue. My like, I remember I was this whole thing in my 20s. I was like, guys, we're just talking because they want to sleep with me. Don't they ever want, don't they think I'm like smart and funny and cool. Like I was like, you just think I'm pretty, there's my insecurity.

So it was a similar thing, but it was because I was caring that in, like it was my own thing, because I know that I'm all those things, I'm just having a total flashback here, because I don't feel that way anymore. Now, I'm like, it was so nice when I was getting hit on every five seconds, but now,

I feel like that's your own thing, Marcus, that you're expecting that. Maybe you are putting that out there in some way. I feel like what we are thinking, that's what you're bringing to the table. So I think if you just go in without that, it won't be, that won't be your reality. And think about the environment.

If a guy goes up to three groups of women and 30 seconds you're asking someone out there, that's the perception. Nothing to do with your stature. That was like 30 minute film though. Right, but you lead, you're the lead. But you're like the comedian and you're making jokes and you're like zoning in on her and not her friends.

And also another way, like I don't know what else you said there, but I feel like we can tell when guys make those little signs, like I'm going to be the best you had or we're going to, it's, I don't know, there's just probably things you said that you're not so clear on. But I think if you ask more questions than you're talking about yourself, is always a surest five way for women and men to feel more connected to you. Like on a date, listen more than you talk.

So I know that's how it is a comedian, and as a performer, but I think if you're leading with all the charm and I'm this and that, that that could be the thing that's putting in there. So I think if you just think about, I'm just gonna ask questions more and pay Touch into what they're saying. They're not gonna get that impression

Alright Think about that Marcus. Good luck with your set tonight. All right. Thanks for calling sex with Emily All right guys. I hope you enjoyed this show. We love hearing from you and thanks for listening and thanks to my amazing team Ken Michelle Producer Jamie and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me. Feedback at secwithemily.com.