Sex With Emily - Sexual Potential & Dating Essentials with Violet Benson

Episode Date: August 10, 2019

On today’s show, Emily is joined by Violet Benson, creator of @daddyissues_ on Instagram, to talk about her new podcast "Too Tired to Be Crazy", as well as hookups, cancelling plans, toxic relationships, & so much more!  They talk about the fine line between confidence vs. cockiness & why it’s important to make the distinction, ways to keep intimacy alive if you’re not having sex, as well as what it’s like to have an Instagram persona. Thank you for supporting our sponsors who help keep the show FREE: Emily's Subscription Box, Woo More Play, We-Vibe Vector, SiriusXM, BTL Emsella.  Follow Emily on all social: @sexwithemily For even more sex talk, tips, & tricks visit sexwithemily.com For more information on Violet Benson, click HERE.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Confidence comes with age. It does come with age. I didn't understand it before, because I thought in your 20s, that's when you're supposed to be in your prime, like the hottest, but I was not even remotely as confident as I am now. There's something so fucking sexy. Just like seeing each other's bodies moving around, but knowing you're gonna eventually maybe fuck this person,

is just so hot. It's the tease. It's the anticipation, it's the buildup. I don't think we do that enough, and I think that we often think like, well, we're already hot and having the moment. What does it do? It's like, what's the buildup. I don't think we do that enough. And I think that we often think, well, we're already having the moment. What does it do? It's like, what's the rush?

You're ruined porn for me. Sometimes I'm like, oh, I just want to come really quick. Like, I'm just bored. So I just, I go straight to the sex, where just like, you see the penis going to the vagina and it's just like this. And I'm like, now, I do that. And I'm just like, okay, really?

Like, is she even or yes? Exactly. Exactly. And I'm like, shit, she's ruining it for me. Loub is fucking life changing. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ OUT about her new podcast, too tired to be crazy, as well as hookups, cancelling plans, toxic relationships, and so much more. Topics include what it's like having an Instagram persona and then having your real life persona. Confidence versus cockiness.

There's a fine line and it's important to make this distinction in a potential partner. Okay, we all know what's rude to flake on plans, but cancelling a hookup plan, why would we do that? And intimacy, how to keep it alive if you're not having sex. All this and more, thanks for listening. Is that mock our sacred institutions? Betrubized, they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got a hair stand. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, Emily? What do you mean, like laundry? It shrinks. Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh, my god. I'm off here. So, I'm gone. Being bad feels pretty good. But, you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between for more information.

Check out sexwithemle.com. You're going to love our site. If you haven't been there, you can also find my podcast for release at three times a week wherever you listen to podcasts. And you can find me Monday through Friday from 5 to seven PM Pacific on Series XM stars, one, nine, for even more fun sex talk. And you can get a free 30 day subscription at sexwithamlee.com slash S X M as always, family and all social media. It's at sex with Emily across the board. Alright guys, I hope you enjoy the show.

I'm very excited to welcome Violet Benson to the show. I love your story, Violet. You're originally from St. Peter's bird Russia, then you moved to Los Angeles because your parents won the lottery. Right, yeah. Communist Russia. So I moved from Russia to Israel, and then when I was one,

we won the Green Card lottery and moved to the US when I was 14. Okay, you're 14, so you moved here, and then you just started, you went to school, your dad, because we got to find out where the daddy is, she's come from, but what I read is like, you really pushed you went to school, you were studying accounting, got to find out where the daddy is, she's come from, but what I write is like, you really pushed you into school,

you were studying accounting, you kind of bored with it. No, or no. Say it again. No, no, you didn't get it wrong. It's more, I mean, my father, it was kind of like I felt forced because I'm come from an immigrant family and the American dream is like a night. It's a, it's a nine to five and the American dream is kind of, you come to America, you have a nine to five, you hate your job. You hate your life, but that's a American dream

You know middle class type of life and that's what I believe in my parents both have graduate degrees My sister's an attorney and it was kind of like okay What is my next thing? I want to make my father proud so I think when I never like school right by my father kind of forced me to go to school So then I mean a graduate graduated college in three years. That's amazing. My dad made me. Like, I still didn't like it. Like, I barely would show up to class.

I never felt smart. I felt stupid all the time. I went to Cal State School because my dad was like, you're not going to go to a community college for two years and then try to transfer because I don't trust you. And I feel like you're going to fail. So we're just going to take you. You're just going to go straight to Cal State School

so you can graduate. Like it was kinda, and I just believed him and I listened to it. It was because we listened to our parents until we don't, until we realize it. That we love them, but they love us and did the best they could. So then you were in a job accounting, right?

I have a degree, I have two degrees, business law and accounting, because my sister had two degrees and she graduated in three years from UC, so then I was like, I have to do it too. It's a lot of pressure. It's fine. Okay, but what happened was you're there and you're kind of bored at your job.

And then you create this sensation, this account, daddy issues in 2014, you launch it? Yes. July 2014. And you were just like sitting right and you were just, do people always tell you you were really funny or you were what? Like you just, yeah, I was class con in high school, but I was just me being awkward, especially when you moved to a new country. I mean, well, I think what helped my imagination

is when I was younger and I was kind of a loner, my sister played games with me a lot of the time, and we would create this whole imaginary world where we played a whole high school and in my imaginary world, I was popular. And it was kind of like my goal to always want to be popular. Even when I moved to America and I was kind of bullied and trying to like learn English and understand people, my goal was like, okay, I'm gonna become popular.

And I did figure out how to become popular in the American school. But then when I became an accountant, it's not that I got bored with accounting. I'm a passionate person. Like anything I do, I'm gonna be the best. But the problem is the women in my workplace made my life so miserable that I got so depressed, I would cry my car every morning before walking to work and I felt like such a failure that I couldn't figure out how to make these people

like me because I had such a need to be liked constantly, most entertainers do. And even though I was class-counting in high school in America, I was like, how do you make a job out of that? Obviously, it's not a thing. So my daddy issues came from my own depression and my own insecurities. Like I was finding myself. So when I was posting on daddy issues, it was, that's what was anonymous. And it was just means about things that I felt like

there was something weird about me. And I didn't want to show my face or anything because I didn't want anyone judging me. And I didn't know who I was. So people, it's, so I've tried to explain this to my followers followers my fans before that they literally Build me up. They build who I'm as a person like they they create a daddy issues And I was able to find was the first time I live that I felt like I fit in and I was able to find myself So it's really for me. It's so much more than me McCownick I wouldn't be who I am today if it wasn't for daddy issues And I feel like first daddy issue. She was my alter ego. And she was like this cool, sexy, like, I'll fuck everyone girl.

And I was like, oh my god, I'm so insecure. Like, I don't know who I am. And then slowly, I became her. And suddenly, I am daddy issues. And I was like, I stopped talking about her as, sorry, as a she. And then the more I felt, I started to found confidence in myself and not caring anymore for people to accept me,

including my father, which is how our relationship became better. Because I finally realized, you know what, I'm not scared anymore to tell my dad that I love him. And if he doesn't say back, I'm not scared of rejection anymore because I love him. And I started to say that and then suddenly he said it back because we didn't say I love each other until I was like 24, 25. But anyway, then eventually I suddenly grew daddy issues.

And now she's a gay malta ego because she's a little more immature and playful than me. And I become again more confident. So again, when I talk about daddy, she's like, I say she because again, she became malta ego because I've grown her. I know other people may not see it, but like that's how I view this and that's how I became like, by LeBenson and my podcast and so much more than just daddy issues, because like, she helped me become who I am,

but now I'm like, I've grown her. Right, and now she, I love that story in my heart. I really got, I got teared up a little bit with your story, my heart filled up, like with just like, how much you've grown in you, and that's such a, you're so, like such ambition and such resilience and such strength it took to keep going, like moving to a new country, first of all, like, such ambition and such resilience and such strength it took

to keep going, like moving to a new country first of all, like try to learn the language, like having parents are super driven, which I understand, like coming from a family, like everyone's like lawyers and degrees and all that stuff, I understand that as well. But then like, it's just you've so much wisdom around it too, that you were able to do that and then the podcast now, oh wait, so then you're moving to file a Benson, but do you still manage the daddy issues account? Yes, I do do everything on my own and I recently also part of ways with like my agents and my managers, so I really do kind of do everything on my own. It's not easy and I am unorganized, which is one of my biggest

flaws I'll admit it because I'm so creative and I just doze off on things. But I somehow manage to make a work and even though people have recommended before that I should have some other people run Mother accounts. I just can't because it's like your baby. It's yeah, it's my baby and it's like it's me Like I feel like no how even if it's a meme I didn't create the caption is still me right so I can't have someone else right I don't know. I know I get it. I totally understand that so okay So now let's talk about tonight your violin Benson and then your new podcast Too tired to be crazy. Yes, and that's when we first met and I was so well because daddy issues I followed you already because who doesn't I was surprised

When you found it was like oh shit Now of course and then you message me and I was like oh my god. You're like being my pack. I said like yes We love you. I will this will happen. I was googling different because in my head I was just like oh she's too big. She wouldn't want to come on my pocket. That was like my thoughts. So I was looking at other people. I DM like two other people who were way smaller than you.

Not that there's anything wrong with that. But then in my head I said, V, dream big. Like who the fuck, like you are the fucking shit. Why wouldn't she come on your podcast? So I unsenthaled. That's it. And I sent you, because I said she will say yes. Yes.

Because I'm the best. You are the best. And I knew you were the best. Oh my God, I had the best time. And then we went there, and we had not met. And I walked in, and it was like we were there for two hours. And we went off. And we could have gone longer if we didn't have to finish.

I know, like people were like, hello, you got to leave. And I just had the best time, and I came back here too, elevated, because I could feel we were just having this connection. I could see the wheels turning in your head, and learning. And we were all like, no, you taught me so much. And I think I'm just a kind of person that I've really like take every moment into learning.

I just think no matter how confident Quon Quon can be, I always, there's always so much more room to grow. And my father always said, the dumbest person in the room is a person that thinks they know everything. True. And my dad is always right. See, no, it is true.

The people that they know everything, I'm just like, you know zero things. Yeah, I'm not listening to you. And like, even though you gave me sex advice, it's like you like, I was already confident, but it was just those, a little level that I couldn't figure out how to get there. Right. You like are like meeting figure out how to get there.

You like are like meeting completely like took me there. It like I learned so much from just that one session. It was crazy for me. That makes me feel amazing. So tell me some of the things that you, it was a long talk. So what do you think you got from it? Okay, well, you know, I got so excited.

Well, I do also then I wanna come off to enthusiastic because I know with me, maybe because I'm a writer and I'm poetic I take like every moment to and I'm like oh my god. Let me write about it. I'm so excited So after our meeting I want to I know I did send you an email afterwards. Thank you But I want to be like you don't understand like I've learned so much and you're like you're so amazing And I can't wait to use this bieberdell. I want to tell you all about it after I use it and like and I was like okay We calm down like don't scare her. Oh, but no, I loved it. I could feel it, because I felt it.

You felt it? Yes, no dude, we are gonna be friends. I felt, I love it, because that's what I do. Like I love watching, I could just tell, like you were learning these things and it was just a, it was a read-around. It was mind-blowing. I can't even explain how much I learned.

It was basically like, okay, like I get sex and everything and I thought I already pretty much understood, like I try to study people and everything I talk about my podcast, I do research, everything, like I try to understand everything really well. And even when I go to therapy, it's very rare that my therapist says something to me that I didn't already think of that I'm like, holy shit. That's genius. I think we've had, we've been together for two years and only twice maybe, maybe three times. He said something that suddenly I go, whoa, I can learn from this. So, and he even, he gets excited. So, for me to sit with someone and suddenly they say something that I didn't realize,

and that's why you saw the wheel turning is because that throws me off, because I'm like, holy shit. I didn't understand this before, and then I start to think differently. And that's what happened with us, because I, or I'm already confident and I like learn to love myself and my body and how to be with men. But the way I came into our, my recording for Too Tired To Be Crazy, all my questions were all about pleasuring the men. And it didn't even cross my mind to think about pleasureing myself and pleasureing the women. And I loved how you kept going, yeah, yeah, that's great, giving him head, and deep throating, but let's move on,

how do you come? And you should come every time. And suddenly, I can't explain, the wheel's turned into my head because I was like, holy fuck, I've been fucking for the guy my whole life. It's all about the guy all the time. I thought, if I suck his dick and look in his eyes,

he's gonna think I'm so sexy, he's gonna call me again. It's like, fuck that. Like, I need to get something from that too. Like, how about you go down on me, I look still looking to my eyes, and then, you're, of course, you're gonna call me because I'm fucking amazing. If you don't call me, like, I don't give a shit.

Exactly, at least I got off. Yeah, yeah, she comes first. That's what I was like. Exactly, that's amazing, but just know also, the reason why I will always have a job is because every day I'm teaching most people don't know that. Most people don't know these things. Like we're not taught that we are still in a very, it is society where it is all about

men's, that's how we were raised, that's what we were taught. We were taught like if a blow job, it's currency, so. But you ruined porn for me. You ruined it. I tried to masturbate to porn and then selling, I'm just like like, oh, this is so boring. I can't like not. We're gonna get you to the air. I was like, oh, fuck. You can find the porn though. We like Erica lust porn. Erica lust is a woman. She was on my show a few weeks ago.

She's been a few times and she makes porn that's for women, by women, but it's hot. It's like, we're in that. There's like a little bit more plot. No, but I used to want to sometimes I'm like, oh, I just want to come really quick. Like I'm just bored. So I just, I go straight to like the sex where it's just like, you see the penis going to the vagina and it's just like this. And I'm like, and that will just make me come

because I haven't had sex in the, and like forever. So like, I'm like, oh, that'll turn me on now. I do that. And I'm just like, okay, really? Like, is she even or yes? Right, exactly. It's like, it's the real. And I'm like, shit, she's ruining it for me.

It's like, Eric will ask her poor knee actually calm and they're hot. Yeah, but we'll find other ways. Imagination, mindfulness, being in your body, breathing. And you gave me this sexy confidence afterwards, because I think when we had our session, the last time I had sex was in December and I'm pretty honest about it, it was the last guy dated. But then after we had our session, my brain thought wasn't like, oh, I'm going to go have sex. Now it was more like, no one's fucking me until I come. So now I'm even more happy with

my decision that I didn't have sex. And like, I'm not going to feel guilty if I don't have sex with someone because then maybe they won't call me. It's like, there should be so lucky. They're so, like, the way to do it. Exactly. And then I did hook up with three guys after, or after a meeting. But not fucking. Like, I honestly just kiss all three of them,

and two of them, they got to see like my tits and stuff like that, but it was, I felt like I had the power in the bedroom. So you was amazing. It was one of the mental thing. It was like a mental thing. In your brain going, I am in charge. I have the power. I could decide to give yeah, I am in charge I have the power

I could decide to give him a blowjob. I still have the power there. Yes, if I hold his penis man I still have the power but like but it was so sexy and like I knew they were looking me like I'm the sexiest person in the world Because I was so confident and like I wasn't worried about Getting all done in one moment. It was it was it was it was the fun of like Being so sexual and doing all that for play without actually fucking the term me on and them even more You know, that's amazing, but I feel like our session I keep saying My recording on to tattoo be crazy like really is what really helped me get there I'm so I'm that makes me so happy. I could see that well. I'm still here for you Whatever you need, but it sounds like the press. We like once.

The last guy just hooked up with, I slept over. And I mean, all we did, like he only kissed, like touch my boobs and stuff like that. But in the morning, he was like, look at me as I was getting dressed and he looked at me and goes, I can't wait till I get to fuck you. And I was like, that's right.

That's right. You held it right, because maybe, which in the past, he will get to fuck you. But maybe in the past, you would have said you're saying in the past. I may have just like fucked him because I've been like, I could he fuck you already there, or like, you feel bad? Yeah, and it's like, oh, I want to feel closer. I just want to get that false intimacy.

So maybe I'll sleep with him. And like, you know, I haven't had sex in so long and it's going to be so, I'm going to feel so hot and sexy when we're fucking because I'm going to like do all those moans, not all that, even though I'm not coming. This time, it's like, he wasn't giving me, he didn't give me any orgasms tonight, I didn't touch his dick, because I didn't care. Not that I don't care the pleasure of the guy, I don't do.

But you have to be warmed up too. It was a one-sided game before. Exactly. It was a one-sided game where we were all in show, and I'll doll it up, I'll doll it up, I'll just give him a default blowjob because I know that's really want Drive my my period. I always hear girls. I did want to give him head

But something in my head. I was like no. I have to come first right if I'm not coming I'm not sucking. Yeah, good though girl And again, you'll learn to make this your own too But that's that's such a great way to start and you see that he was like damn. I can't wait to fuck you because I feel like all of us like We we think that there's a certain mentality that if we don't do it, then he's not gonna call us back or we, we, we, oh, look to him or he got blue balls. I just heard some of that.

Oh, he did. He was like, I, he texted me. He's like, I have blue balls and I was like, I have our problem. I said, I have green eyes. Yeah. You're fucking hilarious. I did. You are funny.

And now you've got the confidence. And you keep saying you just got the confidence, but it's always a lifelong process too. You're gonna keep getting more and more confident. Because we were saying like confidence comes with age. I think it's what it is. It does come with age. I didn't understand it before,

because I thought in your 20s, when you're early 20s, that's when you're supposed to be in your prime, like the hottest, but I was not even remotely as confident as I am now. And then just in the shows, like even the guy who got up with, like I think he was talking to some 18 year old. but I was not even remotely as confident as I am now. And then just in the shows, like even the guy who got up with like, I think he was talking to some 18 year old.

And it did even cross my brain to even get worried about that because I know I'm so sexy and the way he looks at me, like I'm not even bothered. Right. And now there's anything wrong with 18 year old, but it's like, I had, I was like, oh she has so much to learn.

And I was like, yeah, I never thought I was gonna be that girl to think like that. Right, that, not to feel threatened by anyone else. Yeah, cuz I just turned 30 stuff course like an 18-year-old I'm just like oh wow like I have fun with that She has me so tight Exactly you can't know what 18 well that's the other thing I always say to people it's like they always say that saying like youth is wasted on the young which I never really understand But it's true like in your 20s you have it all all these all these things, your looks and your young, and you can do anything

in all the positions, but you don't know your body, and you don't know what feels good, and you don't ask for it, and you're still, like, don't even think you have issues with your family yet, and you're still, I don't know, you're just still, you don't know yourself yet. No, I agree. I feel like every year I learn more and more about myself,

that's also because I want to. Yeah. So it's very important for me to understand myself better, but who I am now and who I was in my 20s are completely two different people, and I'm so much more confident now than I was. Also way better looking. Like, I actually grew into my looks,

and I know that some people can come off as, oh, she sounds cocky or whatever. It's almost like, I think a lot of times of people, if you're insecure, then they'll like, oh, come on, you gotta be more confident. How could you be so secure when you're so cute? Then you act confident Then when you're confident like, oh, you're you're too cocky, but to me it's like I grew up getting bullied and had my own issues and and also being foreign like it took me years to learn how love myself Like I didn't love myself. I didn't feel beautiful. I didn't first I didn't love myself until I became daddy issues

And that's I still slowly start to learn how love myself. It's only 24. I didn't, first I didn't love myself until I became daddy issues and that's I still slowly start to learn how to love myself. So only 24. I didn't feel beautiful until a few years ago and that's when I finally felt like beautiful where I didn't need to wait for someone to tell me that I'm beautiful because I told myself that I was. So that's an amazing how did you learn that? What was that about that journey? The journey of becoming be feeling like you're beautiful. Well, I mean, and the bullying is huge to get through that. It's a huge thing too. I can understand where it started, never feeling the other.

Well, it's something that I don't talk about, and I feel like I'm not going to really get into. But I, because I feel like it should be my time and I'm ready, but I was warm with the birth defect, and I was bullied for that growing up. And it was like years of like constantly fixing it and stuff like that. So before I came out of daddy issues, I decided to fully fix it because I was like, I can get people can make fun of me for anything they want. But that's the one thing I can't handle

because I grew up getting bullied for it so much. Or even when no one else would notice it anymore, I would notice it. It was like, I see it. So, and because a lot of times, it doesn't matter how beautiful you are. Someone tells you, if someone tells you you're a piece of shit a lot of the time, for a long time, you're going to start believing it.

And then you look at yourself and you feel like a piece of shit. So I think, first I learn how to love myself, and then that helped me feel beautiful. And then, and it's the weirdest thing. It's kind of like you fake it till you make it. So on days where I feel ugly, or I feel unaccomplished or anything, if I I keep telling myself I'm great and I get sarcastic and I joke around I Asked on I end up believing it right because that's all that's all we have true It's all that that positive affirmations if you leave notes around your house if you just I do these meditations the morning We're like I am I'm great. I'm confident. I'm kind of you're amazing. Well, well, thanks. You're literally perfect

Yeah, well, you're right, but it's also thanks. You're literally perfect. Yeah. Well, you're right. But it's also I still get insecure too all the time. Oh my God. I mean, I doubt what I've said and I doubt things. But you know, it's a, yeah, it's a process. But thank you. It comes from being surrounding by also accomplishing things and then being around people that you trust

and that are having a really good team and making good decisions, you know. And also I learned from so many of my mistakes. Like I'm so humble, like I don't think I know everything yet. I mean, either I'm always like learning. Always learning, still in therapy, on and off my whole life. I think I've never done. But I think that also gives you confidence

when you have that emotional intelligence. What's most people are not seekers. I would say the majority of you but are not in therapy. They're not really interested in learning more about sex. I hope they are now, if they're listening to the show. But like what you learned is like still the knowledge that I answer like on my show every night and serious sex.

And we get hundreds of calls a week, thousands of emails, people asking the same things. Like they they we still it's very messed up the way we think about sex. I mean do you ask her not accurate information. No, I 100% agree with you. And I'm not saying like the minute you listen to like one of these episodes like that say your whole opinion is gonna change. You should listen. I want everyone to listen to it. No, I agree. But I'm saying listen to it. Of course, like listen to my episode to start to be crazy with Emily. It's amazing. It's called Life is Too Short to Have That Sex. I agree with that. But I'm saying it helped my confidence and change my

point of view. But whatever in security you carry on, that's always gonna take a second to get through, because even the guys I made out with, and we had like passionate, you know, up to the second base, kind of like stuff going on, I did want them to go down me, but I still had those small little insecurities of, when we talked about before, where I feel weird about guy being down there. So of course, it still hit me,

but I think in my head I was like, okay, the next time I'll get there But so I'm not saying you insecurities go away completely of the way you believe things you never you they never go away But I'm on the way flip right you just like flip I think they I don't know some go away like I used to You know, I'm trying to think what my insecurities used to be and now they are But I so worry like I didn't know enough or I wasn't prepared enough, I'm an organized, like I worry about those things my whole life too. But I use to get better at managing them. Because this is not all gonna change

and you might still find yourself giving a blow job and be like, why am I gonna suck now? I thought Emily said that's not gonna take I didn't come yet, fuck. But you're, because that's when you have to be kind to yourself and be like, I'm not perfect. But the fact that you even know that consciousness, like right now I'm not comfortable,

but maybe next time. Yeah. Because it's like that in that we did talk about that how there are so many insecurities we have that guys don't really want to be doing it. They don't want to be down there I'm not comfortable, but maybe next time. Because we did talk about that. There are so many insecurities. We have that guys don't really want to be doing it. They don't want to be down there. And they're judging us.

But it's like, are they ever thinking, oh, I hope she wants to be sucking on my dick right now. No. No. And they get so insecure, like the second guy, the second guy that was making out with, that we were like in the bed doing the second base for play. And I did put my hand over his penis,

like over the underwear, and he goes, I have a nice dick, right? I mean, people say it's nice, right? And I was thinking, oh shit, he's insecure. Yes, I was so insecure. Right. And I was like, yeah, it's nice. He's like, people say he has good growth.

No. You're like good to know. And I was like, yeah, don't, man. Five stars on your. Five stars on your face. Five stars on your face. I'm free. Dude, no, guys are so insecure. That's the other thing I learned from doing this show

is that I didn't know any of this until I went to school and studied a million podcasts. Men are just as insecure as we are. They don't know any more than we do. But they're just like that they're on the end of like, mom's gonna get blow jobs, or I'm just gonna, they're at least sort of winning in that. But they did want to go down me. That's the funny thing. And I was still like, oh're on the end of like, mom's gonna get blow jobs, or I'm just gonna, like, I'm gonna, they're at least sort of winning in that. But they did wanna go down me, that's a funny thing.

And I was still like, oh, because the second guy was like, you're so, I mean, you're so perfect. I will give anything for you to just sit on my face and I was like, oh, thanks. And then the next time I head, I was like, oh, am I fully like, do I have any share down there?

Like, I shave, I don't know. And it was just like me trying to get out of it because, because suddenly, the whole confidence that I had acting up in the bedroom like went away for a second of the thought of him going down because I was like, okay, he thinks I'm so perfect because I was overly being overly confident because I did feel so sexy and I remember I took off my top

and I'm looking at the mirror and I'm like, how nice are my tits? And you're just like, they're the best, which are the best. I can just see them right now. I do have great tits. You've great tits. I do, and they're just like, they're the best, which are the best. I can just see them right now. I do have great tits. You've great tits. I do and they're real and they're perky.

I mean like, I can't even. It's amazing. But it sucks where you only like the top part but then the bottom part you're worried about it. Cause you know, like he like takes me and puts me on top and then we're hooking up but then of course like in my head I'm like, well you think I'm so perfect now.

But like what if I take off my pants and he doesn't think I'm perfect. Oh my god. I was like, fuck why am I thinking like that? Right. And how do you get out of it? Be like, I am all perfect. It's all confidence. That confidence you brought in. And I don't think that the guy that you'd have to actually want to be with, you want to be with, and these are like, I've been with these different kind of guys. There are the guys who are like, oh, you, I mean, I don't know, maybe there, it's been a long time, but they're like, she has a weird hair, they're her lips or whatever. Honestly, not your guy at all.

But those are the only ones you're like 16. And you're 16 or 20, who knows? Now you have like Aino and you shit on the guy and you still cause you to make it. Exactly, dude, exactly. That's what you gotta come up, really? He's like, come over again. I got some waterproof sheets.

That was a good time. Maybe we won't get tacos. Yeah, we have happened when you're 17. The guy like breaks up with you, blocks you. It's younger things for someone who have to catch up to where we're at. And this is the other big thing about debunking our own sex myths or sex things that we believe that we're carrying around from high school. Like time to update that and be like, no, guys want to go down and you know, they get

it. It's like a currency and the chance that he's going gonna be there being like, oh, I wish he shaved. He's gonna just be like, they're not compartmentalizing like we do with our bodies. I mean, they're not thinking that stuff at all. Guys don't even know all the process that you go through before you even hook up with them. So that's why they're not thinking about it.

You're like, when I thought I was gonna hook up with a guy, I'm just like, oh my God, let me go. Okay, I'm gonna shave my whole body, get a tan, clean my whole house, and Ke and kissing comes over to my house. I don't know, I'm not sure which house we're going to. Pick out a cute outfit that I said, get a tan, do my hair, do my makeup. Oh, I need to get my highlights done.

Okay, let me get my highlights. Like, literally, those are all my thoughts, and I literally do all of that. And then I'm like, they're like, oh, you look so cute. I'm like, oh, I didn't even, oh, I just, I just finished work, without thinking so much. But like, no. I'm like, oh, I didn't even, oh, I just, I just finished work. What the hell, thank you so much. But like, no, I'm watching your hilarious on your violet pens and which everyone should check out

that too on Instagram. You were saying like, don't you, I had a dick date with a dick and you're like, I've got sparkles all over me. I put the lotion everywhere. I shaved my whole goddamn body and you're gonna cancel on my- And I said it and I said it was a joke,

but like, I was serious. It happened and it inspired me. And it inspired me. Because a lot of times a lot of the videos I do post are as a joke and sign the moment, but that actually did happen. I got canceled on, so it inspired me to just record that video

because it really was how I felt. But then afterwards I was like, you guys can take me not seriously. It's like, no, no, yeah, it's not true. But it was fun, but it was true. It's fucking true. That's why I tell people's not true. But it was true. No, dude, it's fucking true. That's why I tell people, not everyone who's online dating and stuff,

I'm like, at least FaceTime before you get out of the door. Like, don't get all ready for a date. Go cross town, you haven't met anyone. We do a lot to get ready for a date. Yes, that's what makes me mad. If a guy, either is either like, hey, what are you doing right now? You're like, right now.

Pisses me off, right? Or if they cancel like two hours before, because it's like, you don't fucking know everything I just did to be ready for this. No, it's rude. I missed a funeral for that some kidding. No, I would never. Exactly, not that far, but.

No, but you're right, it's a pain. And then those aren't the guys you want to give us a chance to. No, no, no. OK, so what about now? Are you dating now? Is she just kind of, you're casually dating? Is that considered dating when I was doing it?

I don't know. I don't know. What do you want? Something serious. So you were saying casual sex is not for you. Cajule sex is not for me, and I feel like there's nothing wrong with it, and I don't want to upset anyone that is doing that.

Like, I'm all about it, but I just, it's something in me that I just feel like no one deserves my vagina except a guy that's only fucking me. I just... I used to... And I feel like last year when I did kind of try to date because I don't know if I talked about this before, but up until last year, up until last year I've only slept with four guys and was through them with my boyfriend and then one guy met on Tinder and I fucked them as a rebound. Then I last year I was like I finally want to date around and then that year I

fucked four more guys. So I was like I went up to my eight. Yeah. And because I wanted to try you know because it was fun and was a fun yes it was so fun but then when they don't call me as much or they lose interest or I'm starting to get jealous with the talking to the girls it didn't make me feel good and I was like okay or I'm starting to get jealous with their talking to other girls. It didn't make me feel good. And I was like, okay, so I'm not the type of girl that can handle this. Because it's not for me. It's not for sexism for everybody.

I tell you that all the time, test it. For some people it is. They're like, yeah, I had a one-night stand. I didn't feel bad. I got off. Great, but other people like crippled. Like he didn't call. I didn't know it was gonna be one-night stand.

For me, I felt like I wasn't looking for sexual pleasure. For me, as I was learning from it, I was seeing, oh, I'm looking for intimacy. And I'm trying to look for it now through sex, subconsciously, because I've been in relationships my whole life, and I'm not getting it, because, oh, duh, they're fucking me, they're just a fuck me, they're not fucking me because they love me, you know?

Exactly. So for me, that's where it was coming from. And then this year, when I went a while without having sex, even kissing anyone, it wasn't because I was like, no one deserves even my lips right on my mouth on my face Let alone my lips down there the pairs of lips It was more like I got busy and I just wasn't interested anyone, but then um Like I'm just a really extreme person so I go from like zero to right So then yeah, I get it after our session like a person one-on-one day with a guy

And you're just like you're so beautiful. So this year. So this was like, okay. And he's like, and I kissed you. He was like, sure, we made out. Then like, he didn't work out with him. And I was trying to kind of not be my feelings about it. So then that the following weekend, I go out with my friends. And then I see this other guy and he's like, you're so beautiful. So this is like a call. So it's words of affirmation. I need words of affirmation. I mean words of affirmation. I also, I only found that out now. Yeah.

I didn't understand why makes me. I didn't realize they make me feel so good. Yeah. Well, yeah, probably maybe your dad who knows why, but I, same thing. We did the test. You know, there's five of them. Yeah. Five.

Did we talk about this on your show? There's like five primary ways that we all experience that we feel the most left And one is words like baby looks so hot another one is gifts like he brought you something that you know you've been wanting The other one is acts of service like he was like oh, I put air in your tires when you I know your car broke down And then there's quality time like the time it's the two of no cell phones. And then there's, I always do this, active service gives physical touch, is number five. Like you're touching. So yeah, but I think like, I never realized how much

it would, how good it would be. Which it sounds so silly, because I do like them when someone compliments me, but there's something about the person that you like. But they compliment you, then nothing else matters. Like I literally don't care if anyone else thinks I'm beautiful, except that person that I like. If you think I'm beautiful,

I feel like the most beautiful girl in the room. Right, exactly. And I even move the guys where I like, and this is when I've learned all of this, I was like, with a guy, and I know we think I'm hot. Like I'm more of insects, it was great. It was early on in our relationship, and I was like, head and seam in a while.

Maybe like a week we were, he was on vacation, and then we were seeing each other. So of course I did my like three hours tan, got ready to do the whole thing and like, he saw me, he's like, oh my god, it'll be an amazing sex. It was great, and we were like, miss each other, but then I realized I'm lying in there bed after this, and I've been waiting to see him and I was like,

literally had this thing in my body, he doesn't like me, like something's off. And then I realized he hadn't told me that he thought I looked hot, even though I was, so I was like, you're attracted to me, like something's off. And then I realized he hadn't told me that he thought I look hot, even though I was, I was like, you're attracted to me, right? And he's like, yeah, of course, I'm like, gosh, you're fucking on his thing. I'm like, okay, so I need to say that.

Like, when you walked in and you saw me, you thought that, yeah, I'm like, from now on, just say it. He's like, yeah, totally not taken, then he did. So it's like, yeah. And it wasn't, I didn't feel like it was weakness. I just felt like, I know you're thinking it.'m confident enough to know because you we wouldn't have this connection But just I want to hear the words. Yeah, so that could be like no So that's what I kind of learned with the three guys that I kind of all went out with in the in the duration of three weeks

Like who got it? We got that's fine. Well the second guy really liked him But then he was too insecure he got to the point where and I feel about saying, he'd be like, I mean, I known him since last year. And I guess he has his own things going on. But every time I see him and run in, Tim, he tells me like, you're amazing. You're beautiful. This and this. I just like, I just feel like you just scare me, blah, blah. And then I want to hear from him. But like last time when I saw him, we like actually hung out afterwards. After we saw all these things and we're making

out and stuff. So I was like, oh, maybe this time he won't like, quonco, like, ghost me around away because it's the first time we kissed. But right before we kissed, he said the same thing. Like, you're so amazing, you're so beautiful and like, you're so smart, you're so talented. And like, you're gonna achieve so much. And I just feel like, I don't even deserve you.

You just deserve so much more than me. And like, I just can't give you what you want for me. And I feel like you want those people that you get bored with people so easily and you're just gonna leave me. And it's like, literally, but then like, we just say, hey, how are you? Right. And first, I was just like, oh, he's kidding. But no,'re just gonna leave me. And it's like literally, but then like me just saying, hey, how are you?

And first I was just like, oh, he's kidding. But no, then he goes to me. So I was like, oh, cool. Now, it goes to me. We kind of slowly go to me in a way. Yeah. I didn't even, he's not confident. I know.

And I almost felt first they made me feel like there was something wrong with me and then made me a little sad. Because I was just like, I feel like we can connect really well. What if and I'm like, the what ifs are not meant to happen. So if you're saying what if it's not for you and there's nothing you can do, like people don't change unless they want to

and people show you who you believe them. Exactly. Like he was literally showing me who he was and I was making excuses. I was like, hello, Vee, there was a pattern. Like you ran into him like four or five times every time. I know you thought it would be different because the same you guys were kissing

and you have more like the emotional connection, but you can like fix him if he feels bad about himself. Like you can't help with that, like, so yeah. And it's not you, because I really did feel for a second like it's me. Like we're supposed to go on a date. Oh, yeah, yeah.

And he canceled on me that morning. Cause he's like, I just feel like I need to get my life together before we like hang out today. And I was like, in one day. I like to get that. I like to get my life together before we like hang out today and I was like in one day. I like to get that right and it really really really hurt my feelings because I'm an emotional person and I felt if I feel connected to someone. Um, but then I was like okay I need to get over it. What do I do?

So then swipe. I hit up this other guy that I've been friends with for years who I always flirt with when I never even thought I would go for him. But he's so fucking hot. And I was like, you know what? I'm so hot he's gonna want me. Yeah. So I just went for it and I came over and we hung out. And how was it? It was good. It was so funny though, because he's so hot and like first when we were like kissing and stuff,

I was thinking, I was thinking kind of about the other guy, because I get so emotionally attached without even having sex with someone. But then in my head I'm like, V, this guy is so hot. Like why are you getting, thinking about the other insecure guy? So then I really focus on this guy. And it was just like, yeah, he's so fucking sexy. Like I'm so happy we hooked up and I'm happy also we didn't have sex. Yeah, exactly. So what I'm thinking is for you, this is going to be a good new game.

Not a guy, I can't believe I just spilled the tea on my god. No, but that's good. No, this is what I'm hearing. I'm hearing that what if you've learned is that sex isn't going to bring you the intimacy. It's more like waiting to get to know these guys, get to kiss them, maybe they touch their, your breasts are throw lucky. Oh, I would love that because I like, I'm like, I feel like, I mean, why wouldn't you tie my pants?

I wouldn't touch them. I mean, like, yeah. So that's what I'm feeling, but like maybe just slow it down and really get to know that. But there's something so sexy about not having sex the first time you hook up. Like there is, I didn't realize it before, but there's something so fucking sexy.

Just like seeing each other's bodies moving around, but knowing you're gonna eventually maybe fuck this person. It's just so hot. It's the tease, it's the anticipation, it's the buildup, but it's like, yeah, this is what we're gonna eventually maybe fuck this person. It's just so hot. It's the tease. It's the anticipation. It's the buildup. It's like, yeah, this is what we're gonna get next time. And I don't think we do that enough. And I think that we often think,

like, well, we're already hot and having the moment. What does it just do? And it's like, what's the rush? Get to know them. Another thing I have especially for you, I would recommend even waiting longer, like maybe three dates or four, because you know that you get emotionally attached.

And especially after sex, a lot of women do. And I often say like, when we have sex too soon, and I'm not one of these like, wait, three dates, wait six months, like there's a lot of people like have these prescribed these, you know, time limits and stuff, I just think when you do hook up too quickly, sometimes we get so attached to the sex, we can't see all the other fucked up things. And we get attached to also the idea of this person. I feel like if I have sex with a guy too soon, that's the whole idea with him,

because we have sex and he's amazing and he's on this pedestal night. And I'm not even not seeing anything else about them. I can even get attached emotionally attached to someone without having sex with them if they're giving me the emotional connection that I need. Making me feel good, it would be hard for me to let them go.

Yeah. That happened to me last year with a guy, yeah. Just because he was giving you, and he was like supporting. And he was, ended up being so toxic. And we weren't even having sex, but it was hard for me to let him go. And he was bringing me down without me realizing. Yeah. And because I-

Give me an example of that, because I think we all go through that. Like toxic. Well, we don't see it, because we're all so smart. We've all been there. The thing is my, oh, my language of love, you said, I guess I need words of information. The way I give love back is I need to feel needed. So I want to always be able to help people. So people sometimes, I feel like people who don't understand that's who I am.

Sometimes they think like, I think they're so down here or something. And that's why I want to help them. But no, that's like me trying to show you that I care about you. So I'll be like, oh, you want me to connect with you with these people? Or like, do you want me to pick this up for you? Like, I just want to help you. Well, you're in a relationship.

Yeah. Or even when I'm dating, I just want you to feel, I want, I need to feel needed. Or else, like, what is my purpose? Although, now I'm learning that just my company is a great, I think that even with friends, I have this need, even up until this year, as I'm learning more, is that I always felt like, I remember one time I was hanging out with these two new

friends and I go, oh my god, I'm so sorry. Do you want me to show you out really quick? Like, is that we, I'm like, so I'm like, totally forgotten. They were like, what? And I go, I mean, do you want me? I'm like, do you need to promote anything? And that was like my thought process. Like, they were like, what? No, we're just happy. Like, we just like, you're company. Yeah. And you're kind of like, oh, okay, cool, but that's like a guess the thing that I'm still working on anyway because you have so many I get that Yeah, I'm so so so where I love all this work. You're doing it. I am very self-aware That is it right you keep learning though, but you're never done like I think you're so right It isn't can be tricky in LA like I felt that too with friends

I'm like oh, I'm sorry. We didn't do a story and I'm not as into social media like I try we do it It's actually lonely, but I don't it sexually, but I don't, it's a whole, I don't love it. Okay, guys, we're gonna take a quick break and we come back even more with Violet. Last year there was this guy, the reason he ended up being so toxic is because A, he's, um, he's on X, um's an ex- what is it called? ex alcoholic or he's an alcoholic? He's an alcoholic. A-A and C-A and everything else.

He used to do pretty hardcore drugs and nothing's anything wrong with sober people. But, sober people do tend to have other lingering issues with them and again there's nothing wrong with that. But you are taking on a lot, especially I've never dated a sober person before. So I wasn't I wasn't aware of what would happen dating him and I wasn't aware of like the ups and downs. Like it was a lot for me and my mom said, don't get involved with this person because it's a lifelong disease and it's going to be a lot for

you unless you're unless you love him. And like this is your person. Don't put yourself through it. And I was like, I love helping, don't put yourself through it. And I was like, I love helping. Like I need to feel needed, I wanna help. So how do you help them though, when you like talking to us emotions, to talk to you about it? I was always trying to make him feel good

and suddenly I didn't realize how he was, first he made me feel good and then he kind of took it away, I guess a little bit. And he was an artist, a musician, musicians, what I like about them, if they're writers, like me, then we both have so many emotions. But like, first he was giving me what I needed, which was like the words of formation, then I feel like he took it away a little bit, and it was more all about him.

And like, he suddenly wasn't happy for me. If I succeeded something, he'll compare me. He kind of, yeah, like I did something that I was really proud of, and suddenly he's like, oh, you remind me of, and he said this one girl's name who he dated years ago, and like I was aware they dated her. But like, they didn't end on good terms. So for him to be like, oh, you remind me of and he said this one girl's name who he did it years ago and like, I was aware they dated her. But like, they didn't end on good terms. So for him to be like, oh, you kind of remind me of her the way you, and like, she's known to be kind of manipulative with people's emotions. So then him comparing me to her, it made it seem like instead of me being so authentic with trying to help people. But you are. I was manipulated. The people, some like that. And it was like those little comments. Or instead of saying good job,

like I don't hear from him knowing if he liked something I did. And I'm like, okay, so you didn't notice anything. You'd be like, I did, but why do you need to always get like the great job? Because you're my lover, you're my person. Exactly, and the end, it was always him putting himself down. It was always me writing him essays or on the phone, like giving him, like, you're doing great.

This is what, like, you're gonna be great. And it was him always being so fucking depressed all the time And if he was having a bad day, you know he's gonna ruin my day and someone's he would call me one time He called me and he was just like I Should be fucking doing drugs right now like I shouldn't be fucking sober This is bullshit like I'm a fucking musician like a swear to God I just walked past the bar and I'm trying to make him feel better and I'm unaware of what to do So I'm like I'm like can you you look up any a's around you?

Like make sure to go to the meeting and you're just like, what the fuck, you're not my mother, you don't even understand anything about this. And now I'm feeling like shit and I'm unaware. So then when we hang up the phone, he like hangs up on me so you can God knows what he's doing. So then I start to Google, so I need to like understand how to deal.

And I start to Google what happens when you dating a sober person for the first time. And I'm trying to find research and facts. It's a big heart, yeah. I'm trying to help. And instead, it feels like it's all my fault. And then again, suddenly compares me to Zach's. And then he talks shit about his ex, which I hate when men talk.

I hate that too. Badly about the exes. Those are the women. Yeah, because they don't see their partner. It doesn't make you feel good. It doesn't make me feel good for you to put another woman down makes me feel like you're not over her. Exactly.

And you're gonna talk like that about me. Right. So it was just like a roller coaster. And then we talked for two months and we didn't even have sex. I mean, we made on stuff, but we didn't have sex. And then when we, the way we stopped talking is he went so crazy on me one day

and it was so emotional and so psychotic. And he was like blocking me. I wasn't and so psychotic and he was like blocking me I wasn't even doing anything and he was like blocking me Unblocking me semi essay tax telling me to fuck off how terrible I am then apologizing then again like and it was to the point that I Never experienced that and I used to be crazy that I Was so shocked and I started crying and I wasn't crying because I was like I felt rejected I was crying because I couldn't believe Of that someone had so many demons inside of them that he's going through that

And this is how I was reacting like I couldn't even imagine like how how much pain that person has to go through Right to do the whole thing to another person to make me feel so terrible like you must feel so terrible about yourself Right, right, so of course, it's like, I will never talk to this man again, but that was like, you cut it. Yeah. But the thing is that women don't understand is that even if you don't have sex with someone or like the people you put around,

and if you have sex with them, is that you take on their negative emotions. So if you're like fucking a guy who's a terrible person or is depressed or whatever, and you think, well, that's fine, because I'm not. But you don't realize subconsciously, you're taking on those emotions

and you start to become those people. So when him and I stopped talking, I became depressed without realizing, and I was like, I think really down and upset and depressed for like a month or two months without realizing, because I took on his emotions. Wow.

He made me feel so shitty that I start to feel like shit. That is toxic. So what do you think? So do you think that you learn from that maybe now, like there's certain characteristics or signs that you would avoid in someone else? Yeah, I think so, but then a good example is one of the second guy that I hooked up with last week

who has his insecurities, but because he comes off as such a good person, I was like, I want to help him. I think subconsciously, but then my brother-in-law said that's the thing, said this thing that like, you know you don't know this person. I go, yeah, I do. I mean, I met him like, I found out them like four or five times

and then when you like made out and like we were talking, but you, you don't know this person. You have an image of him. You're creating an image of him. The story like you did when you were kicked creating the story. And your brain goes there. And he seems like an innocent, nice person

that you want to help, but you don't know him. I think that's why he kept trying to tell you that you don't know. And I was like, she'll name like, oh shit, he's right. Yeah. So even me right now talking about the toxic person from last year who comes off like a badass musician versus this guy who's such a good, clean cut, nice dude,

he may actually be toxic too. I'm talking about it. We don't, we don't, we just not seeing it because they come in different, uh, different rap things. They do come in different rap things, but the interesting thing I always think from each relationship you learn, and this is the work to do after a relationship you get out of it, and you realize like, what did I like about this one? What, what didn't work for me? What were my, what was my party? Like, that's what I have a problem with guys. You're like my crazy ex. It's like you were in that relationship too. It's a 50-50 deal here.

Like so what do we like about this guy? What don't we like? And then you kind of just the next person, you're like if they do certain behaviors again, you're like not for me. And then I also think it's important this part of you that wants to be of service to men. Cause it's probably could be from your upbringing

from where you grew up. I don't know what it was like before you were 14 growing up in Israel that women were more caretaking or men. Well, my mother takes care of my father. Exactly. But I always, I never wanted to be like that, which now I, I see my mom as a strength, but there's something about, it's the weirdest thing.

It's not just a woman or a man thing. There's something about when you grow up, if I can't explain it, there's something about when someone puts you down in a weird way. You need their validation so much. They end up looking up to them. And growing up, my mother was a sweet woman always there to like hold me, hug me, tell me she loves me. And it was kind of like, she's so weak. She always cries whenever she wants. It happens like, like get away from me. And I looked it was kind of like, ah, she's so weak, she always cries whenever she wants, it happens like, get away from me. And I looked at my father, like, this is, he can do no wrong, my father, he never cries,

he never shows emotion. And when he puts me down, of course it hurts me, but now I understand him better, it was to motivate me, but of course it didn't motivate me, it made me feel like shit. Shit, but back then, you know, but then whenever you would finally say, that was okay, he did good. It's like, oh my god, that was everything.

Right. And my mom who's sitting there always telling me how much she loved me, I was kind of like get away. So I think that was kind of my view. So I think I also had an e-tow always like be beautiful and all that and servicing the men. And I think has to do with my father, not like I need to serve my father. But it came from one thing like my dad always comparing to my sister and I was never smart as her,

but I was always beautiful to him. So then it was kind of like I was a beautiful one, even though my sister is beautiful, but like it almost felt like that was my talent. That's beautiful. So I always cared to be beautiful for my father and it wasn't, it wasn't even until a few years ago that I stopped wearing makeup around my dad. But I had a need to be so beautiful for my father to And it wasn't, it wasn't even until like a few years ago that I stopped wearing makeup around my dad.

But I had a need to be so beautiful for my father to always tell me that it looked good. That's how you got your words from him. Which again, I didn't realize. That's how I do. But you've been going through so much. I needed him. I needed to put makeup on to something my dad looks at me.

He says, oh, you look really pretty today. And like, I needed that. So then with men that I would date, it was the same thing. That's why I was on off with a boyfriend for like seven years. If we were together for a few months, then I'm shaving my legs every day. I wanna be a smooth as a dolphin for him every day. I love when you say smooth as dolphin.

But the thought of even having a spiky, no, I have to be perfect. It's just a need of me. The man look at me is beautiful. Yeah, but you know, look at you. Look what you've done. Look what you've built. You've created your company, your business. It's so impressive that it's like I think you can just kind of chill on that

And know that you're just probably just fucking blast to hang out with in your smart But it's it really does have to do something with the confidence because like that The last guy that I like made out with well the second guy I think what I love about him is that he just makes me feel really good about myself But I I wrote about it to myself. I the reason I like the second guys because he comes love about him is that he just makes me feel really good about myself. But I wrote about it to myself. The reason I like the second guys because he comes up so innocent is that I love seeing myself through his eyes. I like that version of myself.

But I have to remember that I can see myself through those eyes on my own. Did you write it down? Did you write in your journal or do you write it down? I write in my phone and my notes. I'll write little poems for myself. You do, I love that. That's so good. You got to see it for yourself.

It does come down to confidence and confidence. It's, you know, it wanes, but the more you work on it, it's like a muscle. But then, with the last guy that I just hooked up with, he's so confident. So I think with him, it makes me feel, I mean, he does tell me how beautiful and amazing I am. The other guy comes off maybe more, like, it seems more genuine.

Oh, this guy is genuine too, but like, this guy, he's so confident. And he, like, he knows he's the shit. And like, I look up to that. So then for him to look, see my confidence and think, I'm the hottest shit ever. Like, that also makes me feel sexy. But that's true. It should be equal. It should be equal. It should be that they see you're awesome.

You see they're awesome. And when you succeed, he's really happy for you. And he's not a friend. And that's also hard too, as a woman, to be like, is someone going to be equal. It should be that they see you're awesome. You see they're awesome. And when you succeed, he's really happy for you. And he's not a friend. And that's also hard too, as a woman, to be like, is someone going to be threatened? Maybe if they're not where we're at and their careers, then they're threatened, that's really tough. But if I felt insecure about myself in any tough way, the second guy would probably still hook up with me, because he just like appreciates how fragile and vulnerable I am, but the last guy I hooked up with, if I was insecure in any way, like he wouldn't even be attracted to me. But how do you know that? Because I read people really the last guy I hooked up with, if I was insecure in any way, like he wouldn't even be attracted to me.

But how do you know that? Because I read people really well, and understand- Sometimes I think we try to pay cool role in natural vulnerabilities. And- Well, we all do, but we've been talking about this in the show lately too a lot,

but like we all need to be a little bit more vulnerable because then we're just putting on an act in a way, and eventually you're gonna want more depth, you're gonna want the intimacy. And so to be like, yes, sometimes I get insecure, but I'm still badass, so does he. So it's kind of the bravado that you're attracted to, but you know he's got some shit

that he's freaked out about, we all do. No one's perfecting comfort all the time. I know, but sometimes it's just nice, like the last guy hooked up with the son of guy that I look at, as like the second guy, the reason I'm sad about it, and the first guy, the first guy I wanna date with. I wanna date with. Okay. The first guy I went with the son of a guy that I look at as like the second guy the reason I was sad about it and the first guy the first guy I want to do it. The first guy I went on a day with I was like he could be a good provider.

So I was like and then my friend was like bitch you could be a good provider. Yeah, I wish I could. I should look for love. I want to like I do want to be a therapist. The second guy I was like that could be my boyfriend because he's so emotional and I feel emotionally connected to him I like his feelings and he makes me feel good about myself So I'm gonna ignore all the way

Security is and I'm he's probably gonna bring me down I'm probably gonna always have to make him feel good by himself cuz I don't care cuz just I'm feeding off of those emotions Like I need feelings baby and he gives them to me the third guy I guess in the way he's not someone I would typically date because he's younger than me, but he lacks those emotions. Like his emotions, he's so emotionally mature, which I told him before, that's the one thing he lacks,

is he shows his emotions with anger. Yeah, the anger's not fun. And it's, for me, it makes me shut down. Like I don't, I can't handle that well. But this is so great. So to me, I'm like, lose the guy who's mostly immature and angry. No, he's so hot.

No, but honey, well, this you just want to have sex with them and it'll have them be hot. I think they're still alive. And he's my neighbor, it's like a neighbor's convenient. I've done that until, yeah. Okay, wait, I got, I want to get back to some sex things here for these kids. Let's talk about sex.

I had some questions for you. Last time we saw, okay, we got the dating life. I was gonna ask if you've had good oral since you last talked, but you haven't, because we talked about the Kevin method. And then we talked about, I'm dying to try that. I wanna try with the third guy,

but I don't know how to ask. Send it to a link. I'll send you a link to it on our website. You're like, I have an assignment. My therapist told me to do this Kevin method where it's like this foolproof method to oral sex and I'd love to try it on me. It's literally oh my god. Can we done when we get off We finish this can you can you can you compose the text? Yeah, I'll send a tim but that's another thing

I love about him I never feel embarrassed to send him or say anything good I feel like he just looks at me like I'm like, see, but listen, you want to be the violet that you are here on the podcast. You want to be the same person with everyone, I think eventually is a good goal to not have to think of who I am but just to be you and then it's hard. It's hard. I feel like because I'm a people-punner.

It's a pleasure. I'm a different person, like a little bit with every guy, but it's also because my rising is a Libra. So Libra's tend to change themselves a little bit for their partner. So every partner they have, they act a little differently. What did I just find my rising was a Taurus? Yeah, I just found all that shit out. That just means how you come off, which makes sense. You're very like high-strong, like a Taurus with the bulls.

I guess so. Okay, listen, so okay, Loub, did you try, I want to talk about orgasms for an Intouist? Oh my god! The Loub? I you try, I wanna talk about orgasms for an introist. Oh my god. The Loub? I forgot to mention that. Loub is fucking life changing. Right?

Anyone who's never used eye, even orgasming. I don't even mean to yell, I'm so sorry, but. But I know I love this, this is what I'm all about. Like, cause I get what, I told you, I already get what so easily. I was like, I don't even try it though, right? Even if you were a little bit like, is that what I gave you? I don get what so easily. I don't even know. I don't even know. Even Master Bade.

Is that what I gave you? I don't remember. It's amazing. Master Bade. I put on my clitoris. Master Bade. I came three times in the row because even when you're moving the vibrate around, it like kids different spots.

And I just kept coming and coming. And I was just like, I remember after the first time I tried the lube, I was just like, oh my fucking god, this is where dreams are made. Exactly, dude. Please talk about that in the show, because people, just as a freaking public service announcement, the other part of the taking back your power thing is, it's men typically who feel insecure by Lou,

because they feel like they didn't make you wet enough, they didn't turn you on enough, and you're dry, because their dick wasn't big enough, or whatever they think. But the truth is, women's wetness level is not an indicator of a rousal. So just to add a few drops for safety, even if you're already wet,

it's a different kind of just keeps you wet and lubed. I know, so I like to get wet. I like whoever I hook up with the future with and actually take off my pants this time. Yes, I would be very sick. And my panties, I will put the lube on I will bring it with me because I can't even imagine now like fucking without lube.

Or even masturbating without lube. You're going in all dry when you're masturbating without lube and then that's the thing is about lube. It's not just like, oh, it's a, it would be nice. It's actually a requirement. It's like we are too dry, we can tear. You can use it. And women who use it are 80% more likely to orgasm.

No, but remember how I said, on my episode, how I have this thing where my clitoris gets swollen after orgasm, and then it's painful, so I need to wait a little bit. It's not painful if you have the lube on. It's something about it just, you're good. It's not overly swollen, then it's hard to get scary to touch there.

So you hadn't had an or what fiber, I gave you vibrator, but I wasn't sure if you, I'm gonna give you more. I first tried it with mine, then I tried yours, and like I tried to get, I think maybe I just wasn't focused enough, like I did feel like I was gonna pee, and I was like, okay, what happened now? Oh, it was a G-spat one.

Yeah, the G-spat one. I gave you the calaxotic one, we'll still work on that, but I think I decided that I also wanted to give you, oh, you would really like the moxie, I think, by Wevibe. It can be controlled by an app, and you can wear it in your under, it's like a panty vibe, so if you're with a guy, he can also, it's a great, literal vibe. But you could also control it with an app. Like, it's a fun, sexy thing. You can play with a guy, but it's a very strong vibe. It's like, no one knows you're wearing it, you could wear it everywhere, or I think that you would like the touch

because the Wevibe Touch is like this. Oh my God, it's my favorite one. It's a purple, it's a literal vibrator and great to use during intercourse. And what are some other ones? We're gonna go into the sex toy closet after. And I think I did give you, did I give you a Wilmore play the coconut oil loop

or did I give you uberlubin and glass bottle? Do you remember? A glass bottle. Yeah. and I put a little bit few drops. Yeah, it's also your hair. Oh, okay. I was trying to say it really dude. That happens. Yeah, it's good for that deal, but I lubed literally changed my life. I don't Can you imagine? I've never used lube before It's crazy. It makes me so happy. Well, because a lot of times I never even really focused 100% on me coming.

I'm surprised I sure. So it was more like... I had a multiple orgasm, right? Was that another thing we talked about? I've never had a multiple orgasm. Like I feel I get to the moment where I feel like I'm gonna pee. Right. And this is what happens with women every day they ask me that's like,

I don't think I can because I'm done. Well, you think you're done. Take a beat. Take the vibrator off or just breathe for a minute, then you can have like three or four. You know what else bothers me that I realized finally about guys, when they like put their hand over a pan, so like, and I wish I would not,

I will stop faking it at this point, is that when they put their hand on your pan, and they start to move it around to pretend like to give you pleasure, half of the time they can't even find your fucking clitoris, and you're like, what are you rubbing on? Right. And it's so frustrating.

But then finally, last time, the last guy, I moved his hand, I took his hand and I moved it and I started to like move on it because I was like me feeling super sexy and taking the bowler. Like normally I feel like they were just, I would let them rub it somewhere on my skin and I'm just like, oh yeah.

Yeah, you're like, oh, babe, that's so good. But now you're like, no, and they appreciate, not much of the appreciate that you start moving in an authentic way, taking his hand. He's like, thank you. I mean, they were fucking no. They're just digging for change down there. They know what they're doing.

They're going up there and they're just, yeah, and the next, the next morning, I can't really fully remember like that night because I was so high. But, here you do. We just got in sex. But the next morning we were like kissing and stuff and it was kind of like I think when we both woke up next day she'll be like, my god, it's just so random. Because we've been friends for so many years

like even we're about to kiss. We're all really high. We just kept getting closer and closer and we're giggling and so comfortable. I was like, that's going to be the worst sex of my life. I hope I'm with the guy. It wasn't. Have you used a toy or the, did you use a toy or the first time we just, like, a few days ago the worst sex in my life. I'm gonna come with the gut though. It wasn't. Have you used a toy or the hoop? Did you use a toy or the hoop? It was the first time we just, like a few days ago. And then, but the next morning when I woke up, Emma was like kissing his neck and stuff

and I was feeling really sexy and sexual and he was like touching me around, like my boobs and stuff. He was really hard and like I touched his penis over the pants but in my head, like I knew since I didn't come, I'm not gonna, I don't care if he comes. But like I did, because he just kept growing, like I was like, holy shit, I just keep getting bigger and bigger.

So I was really surprised. I remember I did like, open, like I opened his underwear and I looked down there because I was like, what is this phenomenon? Like what is happening? And I remember to feel sexy. I just, I did put my head down there and I like lick the head. Because I remember also what you said where the area is really sensitive. I think I find you love. I put my finger on there and I lick the head for a second.

And then I put the shorts back on. He's like, oh my god, please make me come. And I was like, make yourself come. And he was like, oh, okay. And I was like, yeah, maybe next time. Plus, he, one time he made me have sell like two months ago. And I was like, that's for this that time. And he was like, you're kidding, right? And I was like, now for this that time And he was like you're kidding right now. I was like now Yeah, anyway, then he went in the shower and jacked off He was like I'm gonna go in the shower to jack off and I was like sounds good. You don't know anything I didn't blue balls thing like they get through it go figure it out. You know what to do

I thought my I didn't feel bad when I was younger when a guy told me has blue balls or even I was watching you for Yeah, and it reminded me I finished watching that was so good and it reminded me of when I was Younger in like high school or college when a guy's like Please, please make me come but I think you're so pretty. There's this one scene and I go oh my god Like his obnoxious as a scene is this is really like your life. You're like you're thinking pretty Okay, I'm yeah, and he's like please, but you're not gonna suck my dick But I like you so much and I feel like memories like of course I'd be like you do okay like of course I want to make you come I don't want like the blue balls

They're hurt so bad. I'm like for you to yeah, and you're just like oh my god like blue balls are probably the worst like I Explode yeah, like let me please let me help you. It's like now. It's like I don't care Like yeah, you don't you figure it out. Yeah, you have a job right good You really have gone through a lot and after that Yeah, you don't take care of it out. You have a hand. Right. Good. You really have gone through a lot. And after that, that's when he was like, he looked at me as I was putting my clothes on. He just looks at me and he goes,

I can't wait to fuck you. Yeah, that's it. Right, you got it. But I hope he really wants to hook up with me. That's where insecurities come from. Oh no, he does. Just ride that. If he doesn't do many other men,

you just drew up third, three men in the last few weeks. Correct. That is true. Correct. It is correct. You don't think it's coming on too strong if I suddenly sent him the kibble method? But are you seeing him again? I mean, not this week.

I mean, maybe next week. Just be like, I just learned about this really cool oral sex method. We should try it out. If you want to see him again. Of course, I'm on the same again. So I think we should try it out sometime. Or we could do it, you could save the draft.

I will write it for you. Oh my God, this is where sounding my confidence goes away and I feel like a child and secure and nervous. I do it too still, I still do. I didn't date for the last seven months. Oh okay. It's got busy and I've always like, I don't feel, be like,

you have a sex show though, I'm like, I have a lot of fucking sex. I'm taking a break, I'm working on myself, I'm working on my friendships, I'm working on building my home with all these things. But now I just met a few people in the last week because now I'm ready and energy and people are coming in. I'm like, oh my God, he has to be a set of a picture.

What's a cute angle? You know what I mean? You sent me a new. No, I have never sent a new. It was like me on the mic. I had them take it. I'm like, bring the circle light over, bring the ring. I'm like, yeah, we all get those little moments.

You're doing great. I am too. You are. You are. I can't wait for a guy to try the Kibble method. I know. Kevin, we're going to do it. It's not even a great.

Kevin. It's because it covers more nerve endings if they go back and forth over the clitoris and not up and down. And if you don't know what this means, you go to my website in Google Kiven Method, K-I-V-I-N. All right, Violet Benson, you're awesome. I'm gonna ask you, okay, so where can people find you? So people can find me on Instagram at Violet Benson, also at daddy issues underscore.

And then my podcast at Tutari to Be Crazy, which you can also find on Spotify, Apple, and everywhere else. Everywhere, yeah. I put this on the show notes as well. Yeah, Tutari to be crazy, which you can also find on Spotify, Apple, and everywhere else. Everywhere. Yeah. We put this on the show notes as well. Yeah. To start to be crazy, it's on every Thursday, and it's just about dating and relationships and also self love.

So have one every week, I have either a guest or it's a solo episode, and the solo episodes are more about finding yourself and things like that. I love it. You're so honest and authentic and real. Thank you. you know, like finding yourself and things like that. I love it. You're so honest and authentic and real and you can do. So I've got to ask you five questions that we ask our guests. Okay. They're quickies ready.

I'm excited. All right. Okay, what's your biggest turn on? My biggest turn on? When a guy compliments me. Right, we got that. Biggest turn on, it's true. Biggest turn off.

Or does it... No, that's true. ...way as my turn on, it also has to do with something that they are doing, or is it, is it bad that it's just about me? No dude, that everyone makes it about me. When a guy makes me feel sexy, it's my biggest turn off.

Yeah, perfect. Biggest turn off. In the bedroom? Anywhere. Yeah, biggest turn off turn off. You're like, no, you're not my guy. Someone that's overly cocky and shows no emotions or vulnerability. Like the date number three.

No, but like, I've seen it's only okay fine. You what? I've seen it and it's only okay. Okay, got it. Okay, something sexual you would never do. But no, actually you're right, that's what took me four or five years to finally hook up with them because that was a turn off for me, you're right. Okay, so you're not going to have to ask me, I have to feel like do you want advice or

do you want advice? I love advice. Okay, something sexual you would never do. Three of some. I'm just so focused on my partner. And like, I feel like for me sex can be such something so beautiful even for fucking. And like, when I look at him, he's like my perfect human.

And when I want him to look at me, like I'm the most beautiful person in the world. And all I want to do is like worship him and pleasure him. And I want him to do the same thing with my body. And it's just like the two of us and there's no one else in this world I can't handle like having a person that right no bitch go that's good You know although I love you and we can hang out after I'd be like don't be my the bedroom I got you good to do it myself. Okay, you're how would you describe your sex life in three words?

Not happening now But soon exactly Not happening now, but soon. Exactly. Something you would tell your younger self about sex or relationships. That you can't find intimacy through sex. Relationships take time. You can't jump into them. And that sex can be amazing with someone that you love, but also to know that sex should be about you to enjoying yourself and it's not all about pleasureing the guy. Yes, I love it.

Thank you for all the Benson. Thank you. So fun having you here. All right, guys, thanks everyone for listening to this show for supporting the show, for telling your friends about it. If you enjoy it, we love it when you subscribe or write a review.

Hopefully it's a good one. We love you all. And thanks to our amazing team, Ken, Kristen, Michelle, producer, Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwithamlee.com.