Sex With Emily - Sexual Selection: How to Pick a Better Partner

Episode Date: August 17, 2016

Do you ever feel like you’re just not getting what you need, from your lovers to lubes to your masturbation routine? In today’s show, Emily gives you the tips you need to vamp up all of your sexual selections! Has a string of unavailable men led you to question your dating type? How do you get back into your masturbation mindset when it seems you’ve lost your way? And how do you revive your lukewarm relationship after a recent infidelity? Emily and Menace share their thoughts on these debacles and discuss their top dating profile dealbreakers. Plus, Emily gives some handy tips to make your finger-foreplay faultless! Whether your lube choices are less than stellar, your partner-picker is broken, or your online bragging is dragging you down, this podcast has the advice you need! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey everyone, thanks for listening to Sex with Emily and today's show are you consistently dating the wrong people? Well, we're going to talk about what to do if your picker is broken. How do you make things right after your partner cheats? And how do you really make masturbation better? Plus the right kind of loobe for you. Thanks for listening. Listeners and friends, they're always asking me how to spice up their relationships.

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Hey, Emily. You got a boyfriend? Because. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken. He thinks you're kind of cute. The girls got every standard. Oh, my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry?

It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much? Are you kidding me? Oh, my God. I want to feel so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Evelyn is not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily.

We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, go to sexwithemily.com. Because there, oh my god, there's a plethora of things. We now have our shop with Emily. So you can go shopping right on my website. Menace, how fun is that? Shopping. And you can subscribe.

It means a lot when you subscribe to the podcast because not only when you subscribe to a podcast, if you're listening and you stop and do something else, you come back to it when you subscribe, it allows you to just keep your place in line with the podcast that you're listening to. Plus, it just helps us with the show and also we love when you review it. And now you can also get it on Google Play, SoundCloud,

SoundCloud, and Spotify. Plus, please send up for our newsletter. I'm telling you it's so funnier newsletter. We said it at once a week. And everyone's always like, I got your newsletter so fun. I think I learned something like it's not one of those annoying ones and it'll take you second to read and it'll help you. And then Twitter and Instagram and Snapchat and Facebook at Section Emily and Big milestone menace. What we had a million followers on Facebook. Oh, you've been trying to do that for a minute. I know. Right. I know. It's very exciting. So thank you everybody for our whole Facebook followers that millions of miles down. That's huge. A lot of peeps. So I just love you

all. I'm going to thank the listeners And I'm so I was like I want to thank the listeners I want to thank you all because you just make this all possible and by supporting the show You're also supporting everybody else because every you know millions of people listen to the show and they are having better sex and relationships as well So this is crazy. So I'm on sex with Emily calm. Yeah, and I'm looking up, you know shop Emily And so I just found this thing called the hello touch silicone wearable finger vibe vibes by Jimmy Jane by Jimmy Jane. Yeah amazing. Oh God I love the hello touch your fingers become vibrators and it all just stimulation

So there's two little pads. Yeah. I love it. And you can touch your partner so you can use it. And you can use her, go over her nipples and like vibrates and her nipples. You can like finger her with it. You can like, I know, dude, do you want one? It's crazy.

I've never seen you so excited. It looks like, okay, for the older crowd that know about, it looks like it could be a Nintendo power glove. It could be. It could be, but it's a vibrator. So you put one on your finger and your first finger and your second finger or third, whatever finger you want, really. And then like literally your hand turns into a human vibrator and you can precisely touch

your partner or you can use it for yourself. And then they also have one with electrostimulation. So you can either vibe or electostimulate if you're into that kind of thing. I think I'm the finger master and I think it would just take it to the next level. Okay, dude, I got one for you. No problem.

What do you think of a guy's finger skills? Do you judge a guy's finger skills? Yeah, I do. I judge and then I help. No, I don't judge, but I think a lot of guys, a lot of guys just go, they stick it right in and they start pounding and pounding with their finger It's like dude that is so doesn't feel good. That's so you're going where you're going with that thing like you need a map and Like I always say don't go right because the worst thing is when they're just like they get in your pants

They just start figuring like hello. Hello. Hello. No. I'm sorry. You need to stop first and you need to pray to the Clitoris God first you need to pray to the clitoris god first. You need to massage around the clitoris. You need to say knock, knock, knock at the door and then maybe you can slowly stick your fingers inside only after you've washed your hands, trimmed your nails, and maybe added some lube. That's why I feel about finger skills. And then I can guide you from there.

But just know that going slower is better. At first always and, and slower and not as fast and not as hard. People softer and slower. Please. Depending if they want to hard. That's what I think about high schoolers. But here's a thing. Here's a thing. You can learn. You can learn. And everyone's different. So someone might want to be pounded with your nubby finger, but she might not. So every woman's different every time, even new opportunity to learn.

That's what's a good exercise. Tell me about your first finger experience. It's a great question. Okay, I remember. And it was hot. I was on a cruise ship with my dad. Fruzy. I was a fluzy.

No, my dad, my parents were divorced, and my dad, one spring break, took my brother and I on a cruiseuszy. No, my dad, you know, my parents are divorced and my dad one spring break took my brother and I On a cruise to the Bahamas. I should brother know about this by the way. No. Oh, thank God He doesn't listen to the show and I was wearing a white bikini and I was 14. Yeah, and I remember It was really hot actually this really cute guy from the south. He lived in the south and We went back to my tiny little like a cruise ship room. It's like, you know, like two by four. Did you have your own? Well, no, I shared it with my brother,

but he was like probably fingering some girl on the other room, knowing my brother. So he's like that. And I don't remember him really. Like, I remember that it was really hot, literally, and figuratively, but because we were on a cruise ship. And we were in the room, and he started like just touching me, like touching me with his fingers.

And over, like, he went, oh, I don't know how he knew he must have been like 16 and he went over my white bikini and I still remember his like fingers like touching and I was getting so aroused and so turned on and then he like put his fingers this is still so hot and then he like put his fingers inside and then he like lightly fingered me like not too hard and it felt amazing. Let's call it. I don't know. I was obsessed with him. You know when you're a kid, you're like, that young.

So it goes like, maybe we can go back in the records. It was for instance, curries is right. No, I don't remember. But I remember like, when you're young like that, you have your first sexual, I remember being like, I love this guy. So my God, like we're gonna end up together. Like never talk about that.

I thought of this guy's listening to the podcast. Email. Email. Do you think that he's my long last love? Yeah or if maybe this guy shared a story about fingering a girl in a white bikini. Because he wouldn't know my name maybe because I don't know his name. He was cute little Southern accent. We were on the cruise ship like we just the mission we got to put it out there. I know he's my guy. Maybe it's 50. I must have been 15 because I was like, junior, sophomore, yeah, I was 15. So the first thing I was gonna prove, I know.

How many times did it happen just that one? Just that one, that one magical moment. I know. I thought you just go like hammer for all the rest of the crew. I have to tell you, I was very like conservative, sexually. I was very careful about like, but that was like my first time like you're on a ship

and no one knows and I'm like, I can fool around this guy. I don't think a guy had ever even touched my vagina my VJJ I did not mean to say VJJ because I hate that. Yeah, I hate vagina It's a great thing. Hey, so yeah, yeah, I don't that's a first. That's a sex. Let me first. It's a good question Menace now we all know We would have it some great shows lately if I do say say say to myself We did pubic hair porn habits and relationship past We talked about do's and don'ts for your online profile and what many women really want to know about you And um how to make you know what to do with your partners porn habits. It was a good show

So check that out and you just got some mascara on your cheek by the way. I do yeah You just put it right here. There you go Because I was getting so turned on. Yeah. I was ripping. It's a gone. Now you're making me. Yeah. Here's just us. The Madison. I'm here. Jesus. Now you're making me look. I got mascara. It's fine. Oh, it look scary. Yeah. Okay. So I just got back from San Francisco, which has changed so much.

It has. I was there a couple of weeks. I was in the mission. I was like, where are the hipsters? Where are the hipsters? There's not even hipsters anymore. I don't know how to do it. So who built up? It's crazy. I'll text people.

But I went for, you know, I'm doing my somatic training. Yes. Do you remember when Celeste, my teacher, called in a few weeks ago? Yes. So I'm doing this eight month training. And it's called somatica. And it's really hard.

I can't just explain it in a nutshell. And it was a very kind of building up because I go every other weekend, every other month to San Francisco for five days. And it's one of these like 12 hour days, it's really intense, you're learning a lot. And the reason why I'm taking this course is because first of all, I, yes, I've got my doctor

and I've learned a lot about sex, but I feel like I always say to you guys, I want to constantly be growing and learning and changing and improving my relationships. Then the more I learn, the more I can help you. I'll be sharing stuff with tidbits and wisdom over the next few months. What I want to talk about today is one thing that really hit me about this training, which it's really about and it's hands on. It's close on.

It's not naked, like it is about helping couples communicate around sex and around, like I've always seen communication as a lubrication, you know, I'm making fun of myself, but the truth is, that's important. Yes, you have to talk about it, but there's so many blocks that people have. They don't quite know how, like, yeah, Emily,

I wanna talk about it, but how? And like, once we talk about it, I don't really know what they're like, yeah Emily, I want to talk about it but how. And like, once we talk about it, I don't really know what, how to even explain what I want. And so, really what we talk about this week, but there's a lot of things, but how do you know what you really, really, really like embed?

Like, what is your fantasy? Now, for guys, some men might be easier, but for a lot of women, and men, they're like, I don't, I can't really explain it to you. Like, I don't know what my fantasy is. So most of us have like a core erotic theme. We have something that is our go-to, right? Like it might be for you menace, I don't know, something you're spank-bank from something. Or you know, for me, it could be like this guy in the cruise ship from

now on. So it could be, you know, or people have like elaborate fantasies where they're, you know, having an orgy and there's one guy in a belt and then he comes up and he ties his belt around your, a lot of women of domination, you know, fantasies. So it's just really interesting that we all had to go around and like talk about what are like erotic themes are and what we fantasize about. Because once you know that and I wanted to skink, you can share this to your part, you can

share this with your partner now. Let me separate this. Fantasies, of course, there's going to be some fantasies that you're like, I do not want this to happen in real life. Like, I do not want to be in a gangbang, but I think it's hot. And that's okay too. That can be part of your fantasy, but there might be some, like, if you think about all the things you fantasize about, there might be some themes that emerge.

For example, when we went around the room, I realized that men's common themes in their fantasies are they want to be adored, they want to be appreciated. You know, they want to do everything right. They want their part of 60 orgasms. They want them to be appreciating their penises. And like overall, they look as great sexual prowess. And for women, I noticed the themes seem to be that they want to be taken care of and worshipped and they want their partners to know what they want without having to tell them,

which we know is really hard because then are not my readers, women are not my readers. So, you know, women have a lot of fantasies about domination and, you know, the build-up and the anticipation and the romance. And the one common theme was that we just all want to feel special. We really do. We want to feel like we are the best lover, and then we really stand out to our partners.

But the problem is, we don't really know how to communicate this to our partner. And so with this part of the course, it's like figuring out what is your core, Rotic theme? Figuring out what really turned you on. And I'd say if you don't know, spend time like watching porn, reading erotic art, or just thinking back, like,

what was the hottest moment sexually you've ever had? Like think of one time you had sex with that, it was hot, you're like, why? And then think about that. Like maybe it was you were outdoors, maybe it was like on a trip, on vacation, and the Bahamas and no one could see you, I'm not even in the way, you're in your cruise cruise ship and you could hear the wind whipping in your hair.

Like I don't know what it was for you, but there's certain things that got that themes like maybe and then if you start thinking about it, wow, all my themes were when I was on vacation. And then once you figure that out, you can easily tell your partner, you know, let's say your sex life, you just want to spice it up or maybe you're not having sex anymore. You can remember this is kind of what my core is and then share that with your partner. And so it's really important for couples

to get granular with this stuff so you can learn to turn each other on. Yeah, it's always been, I remember one thing, discommunication, communication. This is another tool. And I'll be getting more into it because I really feel like I learned a lot of transmitting. And no, you are learning a lot.

Last time we talked about it, it got all emotional. I cried. cried. And inner child work because it just, you know what it is, we all, that there's so much sexual, we bring sex on the one hand, should be so easy and fun and natural and it's all about pleasure. Yet, we make it so difficult. And a lot of it comes from our minds, our own anxieties about fear and about failure

and failing our partners and being rejected. And so if we could just get out of our heads and figure out what is really going on, release all that stuff and focus on our erotic energy, our sex will be better. And this is stuff again, I know I've talked about this in different ways, but I would like to show this to you and more to come. Good. Okay. So we've got some sex in the news. What's going on with sex in the news?

Bragging is a turn off in online dating. Uh, what? You can't brag, you can't brag, but it's so, this is so particular here, yeah. No one wants to be like on the president's CEO and check out my Lamborghini. Like that's not gonna turn me on. Yeah, definitely.

It's so hard though, like, to have. Walk the line. Yeah, to have a conversation online with, I mean, you can ask a lot of questions, but also you kind of have to say, I, a lot, you know, I this, I, what do you mean? Like, when you're messaging? Messaging.

Yeah. Like, oh, I am into this, I am into that. And then it kind of comes off as, you're. Yeah. Like, oh, I am into this. I am into that. And then it kind of comes off as your bragging. Well, let me break down the study because I thought it was really, really interesting. So we know that you're all dating online. A lot of people are to find their prospective mates.

But so therefore, there's been so many studies lately, like what makes a successful dating profile? You know, what makes one someone really attractive or unattractive? So there's researchers at the University of Iowa and they asked online daters what they thought of these particular profiles and they looked at two concepts, okay? People are going to follow me in this one. Two concepts.

Number one, they looked at selective self presentation. What's that? That's the people's, that's when people highlight their most flattering qualities. So, in the context of online dating, you know, when the goals are tracked or partner, people are motivated. They want to bring a lot of positive information. So, they brag a little, okay? They look at their bragging. How much do they brag?

And number two, it's called warring. Okay? Warring is when they link their online profile to a corresponding site to kind of validate them and say, look at my LinkedIn, my Instagram, look at my Snapchat. And so this way, they kind of are backing up they're kind of authenticating theirself,

but they don't have to brag in their profile, but they can say, you want to know more about me? Look at my Instagram. And so this is what I've done. This is why I'm rather than me telling you. So the findings showed that online theaters were judging people. If they bragged excessively about themselves, like they had self-presentation that was just like, oh, I'm great. I did this. And here's my fancy car. And here's all these women. And I like have all this money that that looked much less trustworthy. People were like, I don't

like this guy or woman. She's a douchebag or she's really full of herself. But if they had more warranting and they linked their account to like an Instagram or a link or whatever, people thought that that was more attractive. So they had less bragging. They talked about maybe things that were more authentic. So here's like, here is the ideal profile, right? So if a man's Tinder bio says like, I like hiking,

long bike rides and doing the Times Cross repuzzle, but like, let's say he also includes a link to his profile to his LinkedIn account. And it said he's as a successful, respectable career, then people would just be a more likable profile. But he was like, yo, you know, on the boss of everything and like, you know, all these people work for me and I've had a lot of successes.

And this is what I do. And there were no links to anything else. Women would think, oh, this guy does brags too much. So that's what it's about. So the key is to make yourself, you know, to make your date comfortable and to make it. So you got to kind of balance this. So maybe you know, it's best in your messages and your in your profile to say like, talk about what's really genuine about what you like and who you are. And I know that things can sound kind of cheesy, but instead of saying like, I'd love to travel, you can say, you know, my best day ever was spent in River Rafting in Colorado.

I'm like, you want to be more specific in your content, but again, talk about something that you like or something that's close to you, but not necessarily your achievements if you want to include that link, your profiles. So that's what we got. How about that, Minus? I love it. So speaking of linking profiles, which I don't do, but now I'm realizing as I shared on a recent show

that I can't get away from it because he will Google me and I probably should start linking my Instagram account to my dating profiles. But if you would like to check out my profiles, not my dating ones, but you can do that too, go to Snapchat, sex with Emily my Instagram, Facebook, Twitter. You've been Snapchatting, I mean, we Snapchat it while we're here.

Right. How's that going? It's good. I've been doing it. Snapchat has done all these upgrades too, where you can save stuff and you can re-snapchat it later too, which has been amazing. Really? Yeah. You can save a Snapchat now and then upload it.

Yeah. When did that happen? A couple weeks agochat now and then upload it. Yeah. When did that happen? A couple of weeks ago. I did not know this. Yeah. I could just snap, snap, snap, save, save, step, upload. Yeah. Didn't tell me that.

Crazy. Thank you. Thank you for sharing. So yeah, because I was just down at, uh, because you know, Snapchat, the, the video's only last 24 hours, right? So I went down to Comic Con in San Diego, did this whole Snapchat story, and I ended up saving it because I went on a Saturday,

and then I went back on the radio with the Woody show on Monday and talking about it. And then so people didn't get to, some people missed it. So then I got to reshare that Snapchat story on Snapchat so people got to watch it on the day. Oh, so we could snap right now, and then upload it when the show comes out. Yes, you can do that.

See the mind. Should we do that right now? No, I don't know. We'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. But that's a good one. That's good to know. We've been snapping.

We have been snapping during the show. That's great. Yes. Follow us. Follow us. Follow us. Follow us. Snapchat and Twitter and Instagram.

Instagram has been killing it because I don't know. We got fun photos on there and we got a good content. Well, good for let's see, let me see what we should highlight on this episode on this episode of Sex Family and we his Instagram. Oh wait, here's you and what is this? This is all seven hours ago. Look at you and some yoga. Yeah.

Yeah. You got some boob action going on. I got some big boob in there. Yeah. Yeah, is this one? That wasn't. No, that's recent. No, but you promised to show the I know people have been emailing me about the boot picture. I want to break control fail and my boobs grew so much. I look like a porn star. However,

the only photo I have is is just by boobs like close above my boobs because a guy of dating was like semi-boops and just just it's a, but it's not even naked boobs with a teacher down, but I'm sure I could find some from that air. Just so I'll do it. Okay, I'll do it. I'll do it. Okay, but not everyone,

I'll answer them. Listen to the show and they'll be like, why is she posting a picture of a tank top of her just her breasts? Okay, what? Okay, I'll find more from that. I'll explain it in the comments for people and say, Hey, if you miss it, we're talking about

how my boobs fluctuate. Who went up on the pill versus now. So people wanted to see it. I have boobs are falling right now. I just noticed you didn't. My nipple was literally just out of my shirt. Oh, I wasn't paying attention. I was looking at your Instagram Instagram.

And I liked it. My yoga thing and beyond yoga sent me some clothes. And you liked it, my yoga thing. And beyond yoga, sent me some clothes, so I was showing off my yoga clothes. Cool. And then the picture next is me and you? Oh, nice. So cute. So much content.

So is there anything else that you need to share? Okay, so we're gonna give a little shout out to our sponsors. All right. Thank you for supporting them, and then we'll come back. [♪ OUTRO MUSIC PLAYING [♪ Loub. Ah, you know I never stopped talking about it. I'm so happy to announce that I have a new partner in my quest. Joe! As a company, Joe is committed to making my mission come true.

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The Certified Organic Natural Love line, along with all the Joe Personal Care products, is now available on my store. Just go to sexwithemely.com and click on the shop with Emily or the Joe banner. Trust me, this loop is gonna change your sex life. Hey everyone, we are back and we're ready for your emails But first I want you to know that we are on SoundCloud. We're on Spotify. We're on Google Play

We're on all these places. Yeah, so however you listen however you digest it Do that it's easier now and review us to search sex with that money the search sex of Emily do you know that if you go to iTunes Podcast and you search sex the first one that comes up? That's awesome. I know, it feels really good. That's really cool. I mean, I remember what iTunes was first launching, and then it would highlight all the podcasts.

I would see you right there. Yeah. Featured. Because we were new. You're a pioneer. I am, dude, I was the first year podcasting. It was the first two months after podcasting. And no one gives you no credit. They don't. They don't give you any credit. Which I get. I was the first year podcasting. It was the first two months after podcasting. No one gives you no credit. They don't. They don't give you any credit. What

I got your pioneer in podcasting. I'm people should recognize that. Oh, menace. I'm just saying. You're right. It was before you did podcast. I met you. Yeah. You didn't even know who it was. Well, I knew what podcasting was because I'm always up on tech stuff, but I wasn't involved with podcasting. Right. I don't even know. Remember Elizabeth Morris who worked for me? Same last name, not related. She was my intern. She was an engineer and she's like,

there's this thing called podcasting. And I was like, okay. And I was like, we'll do it. Did I? It was great. Pioneer. Pioneer. No love.

I don't get any love. But that's okay. Everyone's all about podcasting. I was actually, everyone's all about podcasting. I know. I was reading, I was welcome to party. Some charts today about, I was in a meeting. That's amazing. Which is great for you. It's great for me. It's great for you. It's great for you. It's great for you.

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It's great for you. It's great for you. It's great for you. It's great for you. It's great for you. It's great for you. It's great for you. It's great for you. It's great for you. like podcasting experts, and those people need to recognize the sex with Emily show, because you've been there since the beginning. That's all I'm saying. 2005, man, I went to the first podcast,

and you're thinking, you listeners better tweet somebody. Let them know. Tweet that shit. Sex with Emily, yeah, no, I didn't know what that had. And it was not even too last year. People still don't know, but yeah, if I was like, what are you doing?

You should go work in Starbucks, because they have a good health plan. Good luck with that venture. Okay, so thank you for emailing me. A lot of you email me feedback at secrallome.com, but guess what? You can now do it right from our website, which makes it really easy. We've got an Ask Emily form and you just fill it out and send to us. There you go. Comes right to our inbox. Also, new option. Leave us a voice mail message because we're going to start doing shows where you have we have your voicemails And we can answer your questions there and the number leave a message 818 275

793 1 or 818 ask SW1 that's such that we won I got my own personalized number. Yeah, so this is on It's on the website. It's on the website, ask Emily. Yeah, it's eight when eight, ask, ask the B1. And here's the ground rules. Just in case somebody's driving, they can't ride down, they can go, see? I know, try to simplify all the time. Sexitemely.com, you just go to ask with Emily

at the bottom, it says leave a voice mail and you click on that right there and boom, it gives you the information that you need. Aw, great. Okay, that is really good. And so also just keep your message, you know, little short, and don't include your last name or the names of anyone you're talking about,

but do as always in your emails and your messages, tell us your age, where you're calling from, and how you listen, and where you live. I'm gonna be calling you with the. Heavy breathing. Heavy breathing into disguise voice. You should do that. What if you leave me a really good message

and I don't know what's even them, I play it. Wow. Ah, I am Lee. What would you ask me? I have a problem with the calculation. I couldn't be able to keep a straight face. I know, and I would know how your voice is. Okay, so let's go to the emails.

All right. Emily, my name is Amanda. I'm 20 years old from Boston area, and I listen to the podcast app. I've heard you on Anderson talk about people having a broken picker on plenty of your shows, and I fit right into that category. I've never been in a serious relationship,

but I've casually dated people here and there. Recently, I was casually dating slash hooking up with this Irish guy, and I thought it was sort of cute summer fling. Obviously, I knew it could be anything serious since he was only staying in America for a few months. One night I had him over my apartment to meet some of my friends and show him how Americans have a good time. Few days later he told me he basically would prefer hooking up

with my best friend rather than me. Ouch. Honestly, F that kid. He doesn't matter at all. But I can't help but take that personally. It's true. She's a lot of hotter and thinner than me and I'm a fun loving motivated artsy chick. I got a lot to offer but I'm never ever going to be the smoke show in the room. Clearly I'm picking the wrong guys and I would love some advice on how to fix my broken picker. Best Amanda. So do you know about the broken picker? Do you know what that means? Your picker? Yeah, I believe you have a broken one. That means your picker. Yeah, I believe you have a broken one.

It's broken majorly. It's not broken. It's just not. It's not. It's just not being redirected. Yeah, maybe. I've never really, it was, you know what it was, it was a... I think there's no batteries in your picture.

It's rechargeable. I want to feel. My picker was, um, is sort of a free love and spirit. And my picker wasn't ready to be specifically directed towards anything. I wanted to experience a lot of it. I wanted to pick a lot of different fruits. Yeah.

And that's the way my picker. You could call it broken. Yeah. You could just say that, but no, here's the thing up. Maybe the compass is broken on your picker. I'm like, compass for sure. I get lost every day. But a picker, actually my picker to be honest

is not broken because let me tell you what a picker is. What she's saying in this sense, yes, I maybe I haven't picked. No, I have no regrets and I've always been about trying to figure out like dating and having a good time and now I'm in a different place in my life. Why did it, why, like, what am I dating with? I like three seconds, I can see that

it's somebody that you're hanging around is a douchebag and then I co-cat I is a douchebag and then Five months later like menace that guy was a douchebag That has happened a long time My picker ain't broken Dude, I don't know where your picker digger is like I don't know I don't get to meet the people that you date I don't even know if they're real You need them all the time, but dude not true But here's what Amanda is asking Amanda listen the first thing I notice is that you specifically chose chose a guy That is not gonna be around unavailable you're choosing unavailable men

Which means that you probably have some challenges with intimacy as a lot of us do So the most important thing is to figure out what you really want. You're casually dating, which I get is fun. And that's sort of the trend now. Everyone's casually dating, hooking up. They want to be open relationships. But if you really want to be in a relationship, it seems like you know that you would have to come a little bit closer to figuring out what it is that you want. And I'm just going to go on the limb here, but I'm going to assume this Irish guy is not the first to leave you feeling, you know, less than or taking advantage of.

So what it means by the picker is that you're constantly dating the same type of men over and over again, like the woman who dates a bad boy, menace. And I don't, I think I've actually dated, and I'm not going to argue that things are not broken, that me, I'm not saying I'm perfect. And I have it all figured out. But what I'm saying is it's not the same type that things are not broken. That in me, I'm not saying I'm perfect, and I have it all figured out. But what I'm saying is, it's not the same type of things over and over again. And I think what she's saying is,

she's just dating guys that are not available, emotionally not there. And so I think it's time to start, as always, for everyone, your own self-esteem. Now, you sound very confident to me. Your artsy, you're cool, but you're also putting yourself down. You're saying, like, I'm cool, but I'm no smoke show. I'm artsy, but I'll never be the hottest girl in the room.

So in a way, you have this compartmentalized your confidence. So you're secure in some areas, but not all of them. So I think you got to work on like your whole body, like from your toes to the very top of your head, like how do you love all of that? And when you know that you have so much to offer and you realize that all the things you have to offer, people will take notice. So work on that first. And to me, for everybody, for myself, for menace, for medicine, for our intern Maurice,

this flaccid penis here, everybody's gotta work on their confidence, okay? So when it comes to guys, Amanda, here's a trick. You gotta look for guys who are into you and who see you for who you are and they appreciate all the things you are and they treat you well and they make you feel special and important. Now, here's a trick.

This is not gonna feel comfortable to you at first because you've never, I'm assuming you haven't had that a trick. This is not going to feel comfortable to you at first, because you've never, I'm assuming you haven't had that a lot. Yes, you have to give the time of day to the guy who seems like he wants you. So that's where the broken picker comes into play, because you don't realize this is what you should be looking for. You're looking for maybe unavailable, long distance, you know, a bad boy, whatever it is. So now when you see this guy, you're like hmm,

something's really attractive and familiar about him. You go, yeah, he's kind of a douchebag. That could be the guy. You know, you start looking at these things. And so things I recommend for this, like the guy that you like lock eyes with across the room and you're like, he's the one, that's when you walk away, okay?

That's when you go in the other direction. And, you know, I've talked about duty dating on the show. And this is like just saying yes to people that you wouldn't normally be attracted to. You know, maybe it's a nice guy who's got a good job and he really seems into you and you're like, oh God, that's unattractive. But what you do, you do a duty date

and you go out with them. And you see, you know what? I might like this guy. You never know because we put up so many walls and we write so many pull-off, oh, he's got it. You know, he was too into me or he was too nice or I don't like his car. Whatever it is, all these silly things. But give the sky a chance, give the next guy a chance that you might not be so into and

see if you can kind of change your picker and fix that picker. Fix that broken picker, picker, dicker. I want to picker, picker, picker, snicker. Emily's always working on her picker. I am. I'm always working on it. Right now I'm not picking. Right now I'm picking nobody, which is a choice to not pick. So my picker is on vacation. Deer. Your picker is on vacation. Where? Well, you'll be able to find it. The Bahamas. The Bahamas. Oh, that's a nice place for your picker. I don't know. OK, dear Emily.

Have you ever been picked in the Bahamas? Yes, I told you. Was I just talking about my first experience in the Bahamas on a cruise ship? Oh, I was just so focused on the cruise ship. I didn't forget where it was. As in the Bahamas. Oh, nice.

I'm smelling a wet head. A little job spray. OK, thank you, Dr. Johnson. Oh, can I pin past something? So it's just on your website, sex to Emily dot com. This health expo thing that you're going to be at. It looks legit. Yeah, dude, it's the sexual. Yes. Thank you. As are all over it. I know sexual health,

ex-Madison's in there. You're looking at pictures. Yeah. That's all the photos. Okay. It's in Brooklyn, September 24th and 25th. And all my listeners from the UK, from the UK, because my next email is from the 25th and all my listeners from the UK from the UK because my next email is from the UK But all my listeners from the East Coast. No, because I'm gonna be in the UK I need to mention that a minute, but all my listeners from friggin East Coast You're like when you coming when you coming guess what? September 24th and 25th sexual hot-sex boat. I'll be there for two days. I've got a booth. I'll be hanging will chill

Top sex educators in the world are going to be there people that I admire to teach Read read will be there. I just saw him at a sex party. I mean it was really sex party San Francisco is a hot tub party So top sex educators and you can learn from see all the greatest sex toys on the planet there. And read. And read. Read will be their hilarious read was on our four years ago, misadvised. If you guys wanna check out Maneson,

I wanna have a very funny TV show. You can buy it on iTunes. It's called Misadvised. What are you laughing at? So what's looking at this sex with? Yeah, so we've got a lot of good sponsors. And everyone who's gone is blown away because if you've ever had questions about how do I,

my picker's broken, how do I meet the right guy, how do I improve self-esteem, how do I initiate a threesome, how do I have anal sex, there's workshops all day long. Plus, you can meet me, we'll hang out, come there, it'll be fun. But I'm also going to be in the UK, I don't have the exact dates yet and Germany in October for two weeks around October fest. And yeah, because I've got a lot of listeners in the UK And I want to visit you all so if email me if you would come see me feedback at sexelmay.com and we'll be talking about that But my next email Emily I'm 24 from the UK

My name is Colby. I currently have a girlfriend of a few years, but things have grown still the other week I was out and met up with a girl I've known for years. We went to her going away party. We were both drinking and couldn't keep our hands off each other. One thing led to another and soon we were back at her house and then the bedroom. In the morning, we shared passionate kisses and had sex before I left. I totally didn't see this coming. We'd been snap chatting in the months leading up to it, but that suggested nothing. That didn't suggest anything. Twist the tail is.

The girl is actually the ex of one of my best friends. They haven't been together in maybe four plus years, but still. I think I have some feelings towards this girl, but what can I do? Do I tell my girlfriend and friend? Do I just keep it between us? Thanks for our advice on these situations so I can get some closure. I really don't know what to do I'm currently listening on iTunes Colby 24 from the UK So Colby so Colby Cheat on his girlfriend with some chick that he didn't see it coming

But he was Snapchatting with her So I'm gonna argue that guess what when you're Snapchatting that's a little bit suggestive, okay? But it's okay if you really didn't think it was coming in your brain. But just like having a threesome to save the relationship, when you're feeling dissatisfaction or staleness in a current relationship, you probably shouldn't go out drinking with a friend that you've been snab chatting with, okay? And you're that you're trying to do. But that's neither here nor there. We all do this. I've done this thing. We've all done it. I've gotten myself into a precarious situations. But you probably have feelings for this other girl for three reasons. Perhaps it's like, you know, the excitement, the novelty, it's

new, you know, the old relationship feels still. Number two could be anticipation, you know, like, oh my God, she's she's so hot, we've been snapped heading and I'm gonna go seared a night like it's new and exciting, okay? Or it could be number three, like, you're now filled with all these endorphins, okay? You've got the excitement, you've got all this thrill and the newness that's making you feel more connected to her than you would have otherwise. Those are the reasons why you're thinking, oh my God, this is the girl for me because all those things I just mentioned, the excitement, the anticipation, and the doerfins,

are no longer happening in your stale relationship, okay? Very common, very common. But what you gotta do, Colby, is you gotta take a look at your relationship. Take a look at where your relationship is, if you love your girlfriend, and you really wanna make it work still, you need to turn all your energy

toward repairing and rebuilding your relationship with her. And if this is the case, you don't need to tell her about the fling with the Snapchat girl. I just don't think you need to come clean about the one night with the girl. It's obviously you don't ever do it again. Well, don't do it again. And it could come back to bite you in the ass if she tells the ex boyfriend.

But really in these situations, if it's a one-off thing, I'm gonna say that, and you wanna make it work, that you gotta take steps to reinvigorate your sex life and bring the excitement back into it together, because again, right now, you're like excited about this girl, but eventually the reality is gonna kick in, and so, you know, you're gonna realize that you actually maybe really loved your girlfriend and that you wanna be with her.

So, I would say right now, make this decision. Do you see potential with your current partner because relationships take work. A lot of relationships are about just you're constantly repairing it to think that relationships are supposed to be perfect all the time and you're always gonna have had sex and nothing's ever gonna change is completely a false way of thinking. It's like this, it's like this belief, we all want to believe this like you fork, relationships are always gonna be amazing. And I'm here to tell you like I always say is that like that's the honeymoon phase. Things are amazing in the beginning and they're bad at the end, but it means that

you got to get it. It's bad. It doesn't mean that they're worse. You got to keep it going. So keep it going or break up with her, but don't cheat on her again, dude, cuz I'll come find you Okay, what do you think about that? I support it nice menace. I love one more Same team. Okay, family. I'm a 27 year old woman living in Baltimore, Maryland And I listened to your podcast on Spotify I'm currently engaged to someone I've been with for two years and my fiance is the first person I've ever slept with. Prior to being with him, I masturbated regularly. I mean, come on, what other options is a 25 year old virgin ab?

Since you've been together and having sex, I'm so much less likely to get off on my own. Our sex life is great but comes with one complication. My partner works nights so we're forced to schedule much of our sex and recently we listened to your podcast about sexual sexual sex but we have to schedule it. This can get difficult which means sometimes I'm left on my own. I've tried setting the mood, trying different ways of getting a rouse, not rushing it at all but nothing works for me. I've got a few toys that I've tried but to know avail. What would you recommend? I'd like to spice up our weekday sex. My partner later has to leave for work.

And I'd also like to spice up my own weekday time, her self-love time. Any suggestions? Thanks so much. I love listening to you K. All right, K, here's a deal. I get that when you schedule sex, it might leave you feeling like it's another item

on your to-do list and like there's no warm up and it sounds like you need for play in the form of like turning yourself on with the masturbation that's also, you know, that doesn't feel like it's really exciting you anymore. Because our show about scheduled sex talked about the fact that I know like the thought of it doesn't and hopefully you've come around to this 2K

that you realize that sometimes when you schedule a section you're like, oh, there's a night few, we're having sex for a lot of couples that can be a relief. Couples who can't find time, they're like, oh, we know that we're having it on Thursday and that's fine and we don't have to all week long worry that I actually used to think it sounded so dull but I get why it works for people.

However, you're still not getting, as turned out with that, and definitely masturbation is still. So, what I want to say is that sex is not just mechanical. So, you say you're setting the mood and you're like maybe you're letting it in candle and then you pull out your toys. But it's also very psychological. And it sounds like you might just be going through the motions. And like a lot about sex is going on in your brain. So, I would work on enriching your fantasy life.

Do you know, okay, what turned you on? And I know that you've been with only one partner. And I'm curious when you were the 25 year old virgin and before that, what did you use to think about when you masturbated before you had sex with your partner when you were still a virgin? Fantasizing about like, like I was saying earlier on the show when I was talking about symmetrical, like if you fantasize about like like I was saying earlier in the show when I was talking about

somatical like if you fantasize about like people different people or scenarios even if it doesn't include your boyfriend, husband, husband, husband or boyfriend, fan say and it was something like committed. Um, that's okay. That's not cheating. That's not wrong. I'm, but you got to, I would say that your head's on the game. You know, if it's not sexual, like think where your mind goes on a daily basis right everywhere everywhere

So I would you know, I don't know what it is like maybe it was the way you were brought up It could be some religion constructs that you feel guilt or shame around masturbation Now that you're like within a commited relationship You know, I'm not sure if you're hiding it from your partner that your masturbate you feel like it's wrong I'm just curious like what else has changed besides your partner that you're masturbating, do you feel like it's wrong? I'm just curious like what else has changed besides the fact that you're having a partner sex life. So I, again, I would work on like figuring out what your sexual fantasies are.

And that I think is really gonna kick your alone time into high gear and your couple time. That's my prescription from Dr. Emily. I have a nice day. I mean, yeah, womanizer. Yeah, womanizer is a great suggestion. It is a very popular toy. It is a clit whisper and it works for every woman.

That's the word on street. If my clit could whisper and talk, it would say, get me the womanizer. Please help me. Please help me suck my clitoris indirectly. I love it. OK, so we've got time for another email. All right.

Hi, Emily. I recently started listening to your podcast, and I love it. Thanks for that. My boyfriend and for another email. All right. Hi, Emily. I recently started listening to your podcast, and I love it. Thanks for that. My boyfriend and I used to use Lube and Weed of Sex. We stopped because I personally really disliked how it felt, especially if we had sex during the day, because I have to go somewhere after our sex, and I would have Lube all around my vagina.

Plus, I wasn't a big fan of how much I was aware of the Lube during sex. Where we're using too much, is there another Lube you can suggest that might be better? Thank you, Sheridan H22, Tico California. Oh Sheridan, you really know how to make a girl happy because I love loop and I love sharing the wisdom. So Sheridan, I totally get what you're saying. I've been there. And here's the issue. You probably weren't using a great kind of loop. So there's some bad lube out there, okay?

There's some low-quality lubes and they're cheap and available everywhere. But they also come with a lot of problems. They're sticky, they leave residue, they can cause infections because they mess up your vaginal, your normal pH balance, and they don't feel natural during sex. You want lube to mimic that natural feeling. So I just think you have the case of some bad lube. A good lube should match your lubrication and complement it, not overpower it, and you're probably using maybe too much of it.

So if you're new to lubricant, definitely start with a water-based formula. They're lightweight, it'll definitely match your natural lubrication, it doesn't get sticky or tacky, you won't even know that it's there, you can use as much as you want and it washes away super easily, it doesn't get on your sheets. Our favorite right now in the office, Joe Natural Love Organic Lubricam. You can find it on my website Shop with Emily. I mean, sex with let me dot com, click on the Shop with Emily, it's water based, smooth, long-lasting glide, but not overpowering or distracting.

And it's really safe to use the toys and condoms, and has chamomile, which actually soothes the vagina, instead of irritating it. So don't give up on lube yet. I think that it makes everything better. I'm not alone. There have been studies that came out in Indiana University. Indiana University is the leading in sex studies and education and research found that when they use lube, 83% of women enjoyed sex more even if they're already wet.

And they just added it. Remember, lube should not be a stigma. You don't need it if she's dry or there's discomfort. It actually enhances sex. So trust me, you got to spend a little more, but it's totally worth it because you get what you're paid for, even when it comes to lube. So yeah, I would check out the jolube lubricants. They're all in my site.

There's a lot of them. So check that. Sweet. Yeah. That's all we get time for my lovely menace. I know. I hate it when we leave each other. I know. We're so into loving each other. But I will see you soon. And I love all of my listeners. I love you all. So please just stay in touch. However you want to. We tell you all the ways to do it. FYI Emily is spinning around a rubber penis. Actually saying goodbye. No, Joe. Our intern. Okay, we'll put this on. I love him. Okay, everyone thanks for listening. Thank you to producer Madison, Lori,

you're getting yourself in the face. I love you all. Thanks for listening. Was it good for you? Email me feedback at sexwith Emily.com. email me feedback at sexwithmla.com.