Sex With Emily - Sexual Spark and Relationship Arcs

Episode Date: November 20, 2021

Before we’re experts at anything, we’re all humble beginners. And whether we’re learning how to date, learning how to talk about sex, or learning how to pleasure a partner, it can all seem pretty intimidating — enough to make us second-guess ourselves. “Do they just like me as a friend?” “Am I weird for wanting more lovers?” “Will I teach my child the right things about sex?”On today’s Ask Emily show, everyone’s looking for clarity in the sexual unknown, starting with: how can I tell if they’re into me? Whether it’s an office crush and you’re trying to figure out if they like you back, or you’re about to go on a date and worried you’ll be friend-zoned, I give you tips to put your best foot forward. How about if it’s a new sexual act, and you don’t know how you feel about it — or if you should even try it? I offer ways to figure out what YOU want…and not just what your lover wants. Finally, sexual evolutions in long-term relationships: what to do when you’re filled with old resentment? Is there a new conversation you could have with your partner? How about when you want to open up…but your nesting partner is scared of you having new lovers? We’re venturing into uncharted sex territory today, but don’t worry—we all come out on the other side, with fresh ways forward. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Dating is a muscle. Approaching people is a muscle. Are you putting yourself out there? Dates don't just drop down the chimney. They don't. I wish they did. I wish that we could just meet single people all the time, but we have to put an effort into it.

You're listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and I'm here to help you prioritize your pleasure and liberate the conversation around sex. Listen, before we're experts at anything, we're all humble beginners. And whether we're learning how to date, learning how to talk about sex, learning how to pleasure a partner, it can all seem pretty intimidating. Enough to make a second guess ourselves. Like, do they just like me as a friend? Am I weird for wanting more lovers? Well, I teach my child the right things about sex.

Well, on today's Ask Emily Show, everyone's looking for clarity in the sexual unknown. Starting with, how can I tell if they're into me? Whether it's an office crush and you're trying to figure out if they like you back, or you're back to go on a date and worry that you'll be friend-zoned. Well, I give you tips to put your best foot forward. Well, how about if it's a new sexual act and you don't know how you feel about it, or if you should even try it? I offer ways to figure out what you want and not just what your lover wants.

Finally, sexual evolutions and long-term relationships. What to do when you're filled with old resentments? Is there a new conversation you could have with your partner? How about when you want to open it up? But your nesting partner is scared of you having new lovers. Well, we're venturing into uncharted sex territory today, but don't worry. We all come out on the other side with fresh ways forward. Intentions with Emily for each episode join me in sending in intention. I do it, I encourage you to do the same. So what do you want to get out of the episode? Just do it right now.

My intention is to give you the confidence to stand up for what you want in bed in your relationship and in your life. Please rate and review Sex with Emily wherever you listen to the show. My new article How to Have Sex Standing Up is up at sexwithemily.com and also check out my YouTube channel for more sex tips and advice. If you want to ask me a question, call my hotline 559 talk sex or 559 825 5739. Just leave me your questions or message me, sexwithemily.com slash Ask Emily. Alright everyone, enjoy this episode. This is Ryan 46 in Phoenix. Hello Dr. Emily, I'm 46 and I haven't dated for 12 years.

Mostly because I had a bad break up and haven't connected with other women. Most women I meet seem to just want a party, club, or drink, which I'm way beyond. I want to have conversations on a deeper level. There's a girl in our office we have short conversations at a deeper level when she sees me, she waves, and smiles. It's hard to get a loan time to connect at a deeper level and at the same time, I don't want to become office gossip at this stage. Not saying I wouldn't mind people talking about us, but I'd rather have that happen later in the relationship.

When I visit her at her desk, we talk about gardening a lot, but I try to keep it short conversations. I've asked her to do things with me, which is usually met with a maybe, or I can't do that this weekend, but never a hard no, not interested, or just leave me alone. I've asked her to lunch, but she told me she can't because she needs to run home and let her dog out. All of these to me are valid reasons not to say yes, but I have it hard to say, let's do it and commit to it. Truth be told, I have an ask from person, all of these are via text.

Again, I don't want to cause her stress by having her coworkers talk to me at her back. Now, I know that she's introverted and loves her personal time alone, which I too love alone time. She intrigues me and excites me and she lights up my world when she comes over for tech support or has a question or even just be walking by her desk, she says hi. I want to let her know I respect her as a person

and not interested in one night's damn, but at the same time, I don't want to ruin a friendship and I'm afraid of just going up and asking her out. Do you have any tips or suggestions that might boost my confidence or should I even attempt it? All right, so what's on some of you? Like, you're a little bit out of practice here, Ryan. You haven't dated or moved anyone in 12 years.

I mean, I've been people just during the pandemic, the last year and a half, two years, they haven't been going out with anyone and they're feeling a little bit rusty. So I can imagine after 12 years, you've had a lot of time to think about how awkward it can be and a lot of fear around rejection and just like going up to somebody. And so I hear a lot of rationale in your head about why you shouldn't talk to her and they all make sense. Sure, your office mates might talk about it. She might not be interested, and that could hurt. All of that might really be valid,

but you're never gonna know unless you ask her directly. And I think that's part of it. Part of knowing that you have a connection is asking her directly. So the time she steps by, you could just say to her, the next time she steps by your desk, you'd say, hey, I've got tickets to this thing Friday night. I was wondering if you want to go.

Or I know I've asked you out a lot. And I feel that you said, no, and I just want to know, is that something you'd be interested in? I mean, you're allowed to ask her straight up. And when we worry that we're going to ruin a friendship, it's not really a friendship because you have feelings for her. And so that it gets in the way.

And I think as long as your company doesn't have any rules around dating someone in that workplace, you can't just risk this. This is how you're going to get back out there. Dating is a muscle, approaching people is a muscle. And I want you to find someone. I want you to get out there and get past this breakup for 12 years.

And I'm wondering how much work you've done around the breakup and what it meant to you. I hope you've got therapy, because you know, we all need therapy. And it like that doing some own work on yourself will help you gain the confidence to really start approaching people and I think that that would be the best thing you can do here is to practice. Now if you don't want to practice with her which I understand it's risky in the workplace, it can be. Have you tried dating online? Have you tried saying yes to events when people ask you to go out?

You said you like your alone time, but are you putting yourself out there? Dates don't just drop down the chimney. They don't. I wish they did. I wish that we could just meet single people all the time, but we have to put an effort into it. I think that you've probably gotten comfortable in your life the last 12 years, but it's time, Ryan. I want you to get out there and you'll realize

it's not as scary as you think. We're all afraid. We all have fears around dating, but I really want this for you. So remember, it's practice. I don't want you to beat yourself up, but I don't want you to overthink it. And I think if you're a director and let her know that you'd be interested in hanging out, then you'll have your answer and you'll know once and for all if she's down for trying it out or she wants to stay friends. This is from Adela 31 in Mapudo. First date help. I have a tendency to give off a homie friend zone vibe. Not sure why, I think it might be because I have quite masculine energy. I have a date coming up with this guy I'm super interested in and been for a while.

I recently found out he's single so I asked him out for a drink. We've worked together in a few projects before and I'm worried that, well, we're just meeting his friends. How do I send off the right vibe? Are there questions I can ask? Something to set the tone? I love your show. I've learned so much from you. Thank you for breaking the taboo around surrounding sex and helping us talk about it and wanting us to be more curious to learn about our bodies. So first, I want to check your story here. How do you know that you give off a homie friend's own vibe? Is that what you've been told from people? So I just want to make sure that's true. It's something happens once or we think that's who we are.

And so now you asked him out, which is great. And I want to tell you that I think that if you asked him out to get a drink, he probably is assuming that it's something a little bit more. Right? Don't we all assume if someone asks us to get a drink? And it's the sex that we're attracted to. Probably means that they want something else. So we've got to work on is you giving off the vibes that it's more than friendship. So this comes with just confidence, eye contact,

getting curious, asking questions, don't offer to help. Don't ask as if you're his girlfriend because that's what people go in the friend zone. They like want to help them and they want to be their sounding board and you offer to do all these things for him like you're already dating. Let this be like a new turning over a new leaf of going in there with the intention of letting him know that you're into them. Talk to him about things that you haven't talked about before. Share parts of yourself, slow down, wear something that makes you feel sexy. Listen, be a good listener. Remember that a lot of confidence comes through body language.

So I already mentioned eye contact, but leaning forward, standing up straight, keeping your chin up, avoiding your pockets, like looking down, looking away, touching, you know, like leaning over, maybe like touching their arm, letting them know that you are interested. So those are some of the things that you can focus on because remember so much of what we say doesn't have to do with our words, it's our body language. It would also help for you to start to feel like, what does it feel like to be in your feminine? When have you felt the most in your feminine?

Is it when you're having sex, when you're masturbating, when you're dancing, when you're providing, cooking? We all have a masculine feminine side to us, all generous. Men, women, we have a masculine feminine. And I know for me, a lot of times, feel really in my masculine during the day when I'm doing and I have to remember that when I'm going out with somebody that I have to get into my feminine and I move slower. I make sure that I reset.

Sometimes I do some cat cow poses. You know the cat cow poses and from yoga where you're on all fours and you inhale with your head up and down, lift your spine up and down like a cat and a cow. That position really helps you get into your body more, because that's really where it all comes from. It's all in our pelvic floor. So getting in touch with your own sexuality so you feel confident and sexy when you go out

with this guy can be really helpful for you as well. We have Bill, safety five from Ann Arbor, Michigan. Hi, Bill. Hi, Emily. How can I help you? So every once in a while, something new happens, doesn't it? Something unexpected. Yes.

So a little while ago, I was with a lover. And since I'm listening to your show, I try new things, right? And whatever I can do to make her happy, I was listening to one of your shows where you guys were talking about, you can't rush going from the lips down to the waist, got to take your time, right? Yes. So the thing that was different that was happening was, and I'm sure the ladies can have different intensities of orgasms.

So I was trying to satisfy my lover as best as I could. And when she came, the inside of her vagina engorged and got, that's what the surprise was. I was like, oh, this is something different. I've never seen this and I'm 55. And I was happy. I was surprised. And at first I was candidly.

I was like, oh, this is off-putting. But after a couple weeks and doing it over and over again and seeing how happy I was making her and also knowing that I was getting her off. You know, that's what made me so happy. So, I think some of your listeners might enjoy the idea that sometimes you see something that, nope, I don't like that, but you know what? You learn to really like it.

Yeah. So you're saying you've never seen a vagina or a labia start to swell? Right. Well, it certainly swells a lot. And in fact, the inside of her pushed out, pushed out. And I know what I experienced was certainly something that other people must experience, right? Nothing that I'm gonna experience is all unusual. No, not at all.

So did you feel it or did you see it? Were you like going down it? Were you just closer to it than you were? I was down on her and sometimes she sprays when she comes, especially when we're outside or we're at somewhere where wood floors are in front of us. I think sometimes ladies hold back from squirting. Yeah, squirting. Because right, they don't want to squirt in a bed because then

it soaks into the bed and things like that. So it was nice that she was willing to just let it go. But the insides, like I mentioned, really pushed out. How can I really describe it? I don't know Emily if I could really describe it any more than that. It was just really full. Yeah, okay What happens I mean increase because you have with a rousal you've increased blood flow and that impacts the externally Internally the vagina the labia theinal opening, the inner and outer labia, they all could swell to varying degrees in every woman. And so everyone with a vulva, that's going to happen when you're really around.

So I think that, yeah, maybe you hadn't seen it, but it definitely happens. And we probably need more documentation of this. So it's, you know, we expect it and we know about it, but we don't, we expected and we know about it, but we don't. We don't really talk about it. My question was essentially, have any of your listeners experienced this when they're having an orgasm? Does it really come out for many women?

And it was just something that never, it looked like a small, deli sandwich is what it looked like. It went from being in lips to the inside, not the labia, not the hood, not that we're talking about the inside, flushing part. It was like I was at Zangerman having a big, astronomy sandwich. Okay. Okay. Don't plant the Zangerman sandwich in my head right now. But listen, it's really common. Yeah, I think that most people just don't really pay attention. This is why I'm always urging people to put a mirror between their legs and see what happens when you're really in gorge and you're really turned on. How old was she?

She was 30. Okay. Honestly, I'm just curious. We, our bodies do change over time, but the thing that does not change is that vulva owners, when we get really turned on and we're really into it, which I love. We get rouse on blood flow. It can, yeah, it engorges with, it's literally blood is engorging. Like, it is the same erectile tissue in the clitoris, and which is also extends internally

as in the penis. It's literally the same, so that's what's happening. We are expanding, we are engorging, we are roused, and it pushes out where it sounds like she was really pushing her orgasm out. So.'s what's happened. We are expanding. We are engorging. We are roused. And it pushes out where it sounds like she was really pushing her orgasm out. So yeah. Yeah. Good. Now you know. Now I know again, I guess my thought is how important it is just to be open-minded and saver something different and relish it. Right. I love that. That's a great message because it's true. Because what I'm hearing from you though is like, oh, it kind of freaked you out.

You're like, oh, that's weird. It wasn't attractive. It was like, oh, I got it. You can say how much. But I love you from a man in his 50s that you could actually share this because I think that a lot of people might not be at that embracing and open. And so I love this message because I do think now you can look back at me like I really turned this woman on. She was living in her ecstasy and her rousal. I think that sex is beautiful and I think it can be really hot. We

should flip our preconceived notions about what should happen and what sex feels like and looks like and so thank you for this call. I appreciate it. That was pleasure. Yeah, I'll keep listening. I likewise. Thank you for your call. I will. Bye. Bye. Oh, yeah. I like this call because I can't, I hear what you saying.

He's like, that was weird. I've never seen that before. What was it? But honestly, if you really take a look at the vagina and the vulva, it is a beautiful thing and it grows and it changes to me. Think about those pictures of flowers, right? Like, Georgia O'Keefe painted the flowers that are blooming and blossoming. Then that is what happens to your vulva. It's less judgmental. Think about those pictures of flowers, right? Like, Georgia O'Keefe painted the flowers that are blooming and blossoming.

Then that is what happens to your vulva, the less judgmental and shaming. And the less we have certain expectations around what sex should be and what it should look like, we will all have much better sex and be much more prepared for whatever might come our way during sex. Because we're always learning and it's always changing. So remember to embrace your lovers, embrace sex and it's messy and it's beautiful. We're gonna take a quick break but we come back. I'm talking to Mia whose long-distance boyfriend has a fantasy of her hooking up with another man. Oh let's see what happens. We'll be right back.

This is from Mia 25 in Italy. Dear Dr. Emily, my boyfriend, I are at a long distance relationship and he has expressed he fantasizes about me sleeping with another guy while we are apart. I've told him I don't want to be with anyone but him, but he keeps insisting. He's even said it's his biggest fantasy and would make him want me even more. I don't feel obligated to do something I don't want to do, but I do fear he'll find me boring, sex-wise, or too close-minded. What should I do?

I love that you don't feel obligated to do something you don't want to do. But I don't think it's as black and white as you're saying here. You're saying that if I don't sleep with someone and tell them about it, then I'm boring and close-minded. And I would say there's a wide area in between those two places. There's a huge gap there. Do you realize that you get to fill in with whatever you want between sleeping with another guy and telling about it? And finding ways that you're turned on as well. Are there any fantasies that do turn you on? Are there things that you want to try? How could you guys expand the lens of this conversation to get into what both of your turnons are?

You know, I love our yes-no-maybe less. It's on our site and it gives you a lot of suggestions about different sex things you can try together. And if you don't know, please know that that's okay. Some of us are more wired towards fantasy. Some of us don't have a lot of fantasies. And when you don't have a lot of fantasies, then you get to do some exploring on your own, reading a rotica, watching porn, thinking about your past sexual history and what's felt good to you. Start to figure out what a turn on might be.

You listen to the show, we've got a lot of great ideas on here. We have to remember that in a relationship, we don't have to meet our partner where there are always, we do get to be an advocate for we want, they get to be an advocate for what they want, and then you create together what that sexual fantasy might be. Now maybe if you dirty talk with him about sleeping with another guy and you just tell him it happened, would that still turn him on? What if you create a story around it? Is it just hearing the word?

Or does he have to know it's true? Obviously, you would tell him that it didn't really happen. And maybe you'll find that dirty talk really turns you on. So I just want you to try some things so you can get a little bit clearer on what does turn you on because I just want you to experiment. You know, remember, if we don't know what turns on, then you get to play. You get to try different things. And maybe you're maybe on some of the things on the yes, no, maybe list.

Maybe the maybe is turned into yeses. Maybe they're turned into noes. But the more things we try and experiment with sexually, the more we're going to know where our hell yes comes in and where our hell knows are. All right. Thanks for your question, Mia. This is from Tessa. Hey Dr. Abelie, I look forward to going through your guides, transform what sex and connection

looks like in my life and relationship. I am resentful about moring sex. My husband's cock clock, which is a new one for me, is 5.30 to 6.30am. I'm annoyed at being woken up before I'm ready to wake up in order to be penetrated and fulfill his needs and then get up to clean myself. I feel used and grumpy. Outside of that, sex is a regular. I'm dry all the time. I really have an orgasm. Any advice that I'm proving this we appreciate it, thanks for all the work you do. All right, Tessa. Well, here's a great guide you can download. It's our communication guide. And it's time being toned and turf. I talk about the three T's.

I talk about a lot on the show, but it sounds like there's a really important conversation that you need to have with your partner at the right time, with the right tone, and the right turf. You can all download that now. I talk about it a lot, but it's outside the bedroom and it's light and curious because he needs to know that that is not something that works for you. That time doesn't work. Couples get to negotiate this all the time. But also, I want to know what the history in your relationship, have you been into sex in the past and has something changed? Are there some resentments build up? Have there been challenges in your relationship besides the morning sex? Because typically, there's one thing that's happening, but it's

a symptom of other things in the relationship. Do you feel like maybe he doesn't hear you in other ways? The fact that he's getting up at 5.30, having sex with you and getting up and leaving, does he know that this isn't feel good to you? Because I could imagine that a partner, that all of our partners in our healthy relationship, they want us to be satisfied. They want us to be pleased. They want to be great partners to us. And so I think the conversation you have with him is, hey, we realize we haven't really talked about our sex life

a lot lately, but I'm funding myself really not in the mood at 5.30 a.m. I might be more in the mood at, and then you get to offer when you're more in the mood. Is it evenings, is it weekends? And then also talking about what it's going on in your body right now. If you're really having an orgasm and you're dry,

well, it sounds like you need some loop and some masturbation time. You didn't mention how old you are, but you know, our hormones change every decade. So it could be a result of birth control pill or having kids or menopause, paramanopause. So there's a lot of things going on here. And I'm wondering, how much of your sexual health

are you able to take into your own hands right now? How much do you know about what you desire? What time would turn you on? When was sex great in your relationship? Can you go back to those times? Do you remember time when it was what you wanted at the right times and you felt really wet and really turned on? So there's knowing the past information, and there's also getting yourself checked out and realizing like, can you still get turned on? Masterbation is really important. Part of being sexually healthy. And you still have to give yourself an orgasm. When you do masturbate, are you turned on?

Are you aroused? So I think it is your husband. And we all need to have these conversations with our partners. We don't have to fix our sex life by ourself. You're in a relationship for a reason it is partnered sex. So please have this conversation with them sooner than later Tesla,

so you can start figuring out how to get your own needs met. Doesn't have to be secretive. You know, I love the idea of you masturbating and figuring yourself out, but you could also talk to him about it at the same time. Maybe he says, oh wow, that's really hot. I'd love to watch you masturbate. And maybe then he gets a rouse when you're masturbating.

There's so much we don't know about our partners and what they want sexually, and even what we want, because we're so afraid to talk about it. So once you start having honest, open conversations, you'll be amazed at what you'll learn from each other and how much information that will be revealed and how much you're going to learn about yourself and your partner when you have these conversations. This is from Emma 48 in New York City.

Hey Dr. Emily, first, thank you so much for your podcast. I've learned a lot listening to you. My partner and I have been together for more than two decades. I've recently gone through a sexual awakening and want to finally explore my own sexuality in my late 40s. I love my partner deeply and I'm committed to our relationship. However, I am not sexually attracted to him anymore. I don't find our sex satisfying fun or exciting, whether it's the frequency, he wants it

much less often than I do. Size, yes, turns out, size matters to me, or just the way he touches me. I do think we have very different sensibilities. We had opened up our relationship for a while. Not only did I have many exciting and satisfying sex with other lovers, it also energized our sex life. However, there was a lot of emotional turmoil that came with it. We all turn them back to being exclusive again, out of my love, and commitment to my partner. I am sexually frustrated, find myself masturbating and crying. Life with my partner is about 80% perfect.

I know he has an insecurity about his size and his deepest fear is not being able to satisfy me sexually. So how can I even confirm his insecurity and deepest fear, please help? Okay, Emma. So first, what I'm hearing you say is that you really do wanna stay in this relationship with your partner. You've already made the decision after opening it up to kind of scale back and decide that you're going to be monogamous again

But part of what I want to hold in on is when you said it was going great for you the open relationships But then there was emotional turmoil and I'm wondering if it was his emotional turmoil It sounds like it might have been because maybe he was feeling threatened by The sex you were having or maybe you guys crossed some boundaries that didn't feel good. Maybe you discovered that there's some information that you shouldn't be talking about. So what if you really let him know the ways that he does please you? Now I'm assuming that I don't know if it's through oral sex or toys or if there's any other way you're able to have pleasure with him. You say you're not attracted to him anymore and you don't even want him to touch you.

You're at that stage with a switch flips to off and you're like, nope, do not touch me, do not look at me, I don't like the way you chew. But then on the other hand, you're saying you want to make it work. Which is it? Because I think what might be important here is to get into your own sexuality. It sounds like a lot of your sexuality is in relation to others, but I'm curious what you've discovered on this journey of your own sexuality right now. Have you discovered more about your own pleasure and your own body and your orgasm and what feels good. Maybe if you're craving a part with a bigger penis, there could be some negotiations with your partner. And just saying, I really liked when we opened up, maybe we could do it once a month, once

a quarter. Would that satisfy you? Because I don't think that you have to just compromise to the point where you are crying and masturbating in your room. And so I'm wondering if you guys have been to therapy together about this because it would be an excellent time for you to go and really figure out, can we get past this? Can we stay together? Well also knowing that our sex life is in trouble right now and that we want different things. And if you stick to a therapist and you go once a week for three months, the two of you and you get really honest and really open, I mean after 20 years

together, the relationship deserves this kind of attention and this kind of energy put towards understanding if you should say you should go. Your 48 still have a whole life ahead of you. You say that his deepest fear is not being able to satisfy me. So how can I even confirm this is that's actually what's going on. I think you're going to find when you go into therapy there's a lot more to this. It's not just about the penis size or him not satisfying you. There's other things you're saying that you don't want him to touch you or he's not just about the penis size or him not satisfying you. There's other things you're saying that you don't want them to touch you or he's not having sex as often as you want.

And when you say you have different sensibilities, go in and do some deep work around that because that's where you're gonna find a good compromise in a good way to be together when you find out how the sensibilities are different. What does he need? He can't say to you, I no longer wanna have sex anymore. Right, he can't just totally take sex off the table, but you're saying it's less frequent. So you just

get to figure it out with a therapist, keep going deeper into these conversations and you will find your answers. After the break, I talked to Coco who's wondering how to talk to her child about sex in a healthy, supportive way. I wish all parents were asking these questions. Stay tuned. We have Coco in Illinois. Okay Coco, thanks for calling in. How can I help you? What's going on?

So I have a four year old son and I know that you talk a lot on the podcast about when there's conversations around sex when they're older, obviously, with shame surrounding that. And I just want to know what conversations they have with him now and as he ages so that he doesn't have any shame surrounding sex. I'm so glad you asked this question because a lot of kids are going to explore, they're going to masturbate, they're, well, he's four, right?

You said he's four, he's touching himself. That's fine. But it's important to talk to our kids starting now, just even naming their parts. This is your penis. Just to have no shame in any of it. And if you start to touch himself in a restaurant, for example, like, let's say you're at dinner, you know, and he starts putting his hand down his pants. For example, you would say, oh, that's, that feels good.

Right. I'm sure it does feel good. That's something to do in your bedroom. Right. Don't ever do that. Don't let, you know, anyone touch you and all that stuff. But the research has shown that the parents who talk to their kids about sex tend to have healthier conversations about sex as they grow older. So really, these conversations are just age-appropriate. You meet them where they're at, but then as they get older. So really these conversations are just age appropriate. You meet them where they're at, but then as they get older, you talk about feelings and you talk about emotions that they're having, there's a lot of situations that can happen

that you might not normally be thinking of would be great opportunities like teachable moments. So maybe there's gendered stereotypes ads that come on like the TV, if there's an ad for a tampon or an ad for birth control or condoms, could say open any questions like how much do you know about birth control or how much do you know if you say our anti-jone is pregnant how much do you know about pregnancy right and you have an open any question and then you meet them where they're at and that's how we answer

their questions that they're just seen in a movie or something's happening with romance between two characters or a love scene. You just say, do you have any questions about that and you just start to give them the appropriate information that they can take at that age. How do you feel about this ad that has dolls that are only in pink, right? These dolls are in pink and he lets you play with dolls. Things like that and this takes parents also being self-aware, right?

Right. Being aware of these markers. So that's what it is. So there's nothing that he's doing right now that makes you feel that he's acting like a sex machine, right? No, not at all. He'll say he calls it his winker, and he'll be like, Mommy, can I go look at my winker? OK, yeah, you want to go to the bathroom?

Do you want privacy? You want me to be in there? Oh, I'll take some privacy right now. And he'll go do it. So I think we're on the right track. I just want to make sure we stay on the right track. Well, I would actually say with the winger thing. I would say this is your penis Okay, we use the right term. So when I say name the parts, so to say them that's your penis. This is your testicles and so by already naming it something else is Showing him that it's something that can't be named and that it's private or maybe it's dirty or maybe it's not okay to state that

Mommy has a vagina mommy has a vulva That's really where it starts because the fact that even rise going up We couldn't say the names you couldn't when I started the show 15 years ago You couldn't even save a giant on television like you couldn't I was a wow. Yeah. I was on like a Trestrile radio station. I couldn't say masturbation I was on like a terrestrial radio station. I couldn't say masturbation. It's changed a lot in recent years, but it's the subtle messages to our kids that show that it's private, it's shameful.

So yeah, I would start with naming the parts, using explanations of things that are happening with between a man and a woman not covering his eyes when scenes come on a movie. And really, the kids who have ongoing kids and teens of ongoing talks with their parents, like going as often as you're talking about schoolwork, as often as you're talking about politics or what's happening in the world. I think it's important to just as things come up and now as a parent, you can start to look

for those examples in media, in movies, in TV, whatever he wants, even cartoons that he's watching now. But what do you think about them getting married? You know, what are his views about love and relationships? Because it does start young. I like that advice about actually naming it and saying that's your penis instead of calling it something different. That makes a lot of sense.

Yeah, because that's where the shame starts from in all of these studies. It's like, it's not okay. Yeah. And some other books that are great, what's the big secret is one, talking about sex with girls and boys. Okay. Yeah. And some other books that are great, what's the big secret is one, talking about sex with girls and boys.

And there's another one that my friend wrote that was on the show. By Linda St. John, it's called Read Me, a parental primer for the talk. The other one is where did I come from? But again, when they get older, maybe you have nieces or nephews or neighbors in your life, but it's like, what do you think about celebrities

are being photoshopped and they look different than they look in real life? Or how would you feel if somebody started acting like the character in this TV show? What do you think about this character acting that way? You have to have questions about social interactions with our kids. Yeah, yeah.

So things that you'd rather than like, that's bad, that's wrong. Don't ever do that. It's more like, what are your thoughts on that? Like, we were never taught this stuff either. Right. Yeah. He's like, really in touch with this feelings

and we do always talk about, oh, how does this make you feel? But I kind of like that. You know, I was that make you feel how that worsens acting? Not just like a general thing. I like the kind of insight with that that he might give me. Yeah, exactly. Like, we just be great to him. He's like, oh, I would do that too.

I punch that thing. He's like, oh, would you really? You know what? I don't think he would feel very good. And like, I love that he's so in touch. So it's just good for you and, I would do that too. I'd punch it. I'd be like, oh, would you really? You know what I do? I don't think it would feel very good. And like, I love that he's so in touch. So it's just good for you and you're raising him that way. So I think that's what you do. You just keep talking to him.

You keep asking questions. And then you check yourself. You're like, well, I'm being worried about this. Maybe I shouldn't be. So I think it's going to help grow your relationship as well. With your boss. Yeah. Well, thank you for this question.

I know it's going to help so many people. And I Yeah. Well, thank you for this question. I know it's going to help so many people and feel like it's going to help you too. It is. Thank you. Good. I love it. Yeah. Thank you. That was graded by some way.

I appreciate it. I'm here for you. Awesome. Bye. Bye. Bye. I love this question. I think that it is so important for us to continue to have conversations with our kids.

We meet them where they're at. We use age-appropriate language. First, every day there's opportunities in the media, on social media, in the press, in the news, whatever you're watching on TV, even cartoons. There are places where we can teach our kids lessons and we can have real talks to them. Without putting our own views about sex, but asking open-ended questions is really important. How do this make you feel? What does it make you think?

And then you can correct as they go along. But think about it. Like if you talk to your kids about this early and often, there's way less opportunity for them to feel shame. And there have been studies that show in countries like in the Netherlands when they do have sex-positive education starting at a very young age as early as kindergarten, kids have more healthy relationships to sex. They are less likely to get pregnant.

Their sex education is less about fear based with STDs and STIs and don't get pregnant and don't get sick, but it's also about pleasure. And that's a big part of the conversation that we're missing right now. So, love this. You guys remember, talk to your kids no matter where they're at, no matter the age. It's time to start talking now. That's it for today's episode. See you on Tuesday. Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. Be sure to like, subscribe, and give us a review wherever you listen to the podcast and share this with a friend or partner. You can find me on YouTube, Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at Sex with Emily.

Oh, I've been told I give really good email. So sign up at sexwithemily.com and while you're there, check out my free guides and articles for more ways to prioritize your pleasure. If you'd like to ask me about your sex life, dating, or relationships, call my hotline 559 Talk Sex. That's 559-825-5739. Go to sexwithemily.com slash askemily. Special thanks to A-Cast for powering the Sex with Emily podcast. Was it good for you?

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