Sex With Emily - Sexually Awakened in Isolation with Nikki Boyer

Episode Date: April 1, 2020

On today’s show, Dr. Emily is joined by TV personality and host of the limited podcast series “Dying for Sex” Nikki Boyer – and they’re talking about how, even when things seem grim, it can actually spark a sexual awakening. Plus, the doc answers your sex & relationship questions.The two discuss why during times of uncertainty – a sexual awakening can do wonders for your self-esteem, and while you can’t really go out and date right now – hopefully some inspiration to open your mind to new sexual possibilities. Plus, Dr. Emily gives some advice on sex toys for penises that allow for easier clean up and tips to keep things spicy in a long-distance relationship.Follow Emily on all social @sexwithemilyFollow Nikki on all social @nikkiboyerFor even more sex advice, tips & tricks, visit http://sexwithemily.com/  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Thanks for listening to Sex with Emily. I'm Dr. Emily and on today's show, I'm joined by TV personality and host of the Limited Podcast series, Dying for Sex, Nikki Boyer. And we're talking about how even when things seem grim, it may actually spark a sexual awakening. Plus, I'm answering your sex and relationship questions. Topics include, why during times of uncertainty, a sexual awakening can do wonders for your self-esteem. Maybe you can't go out and date right now, but some inspiration to open your mind to new sexual possibilities.

Sex toys for penises that allow for some easy cleanup and some tips to keep things spicy in a long-gissence relationship. All this and more, thanks for listening. Look into his eyes. They're the eyes of a man obsessed by sex. Eyes that mock our sacred institutions. Betrubized they call them in a fight on day. Hey, Evelyn, you got a boyfriend? Because my man E here, he just got his heart broken.

He thinks you're kind of cute. The world's got every standard. Oh my. The women know about shrinkage. Isn't it common, but only? What do you mean, like laundry? It's shrink? Can we not talk about sex so much?

Are you kidding me? Oh my god, I'm so drunk. Being bad feels pretty good. But you know, Emily's not the kind of girl you just play with. You're listening to Sex with Emily. We're talking about sex, relationships, and everything in between. For more information, check out sexwithemily.com. And you guys, we're still bringing you shows. I hope everyone is being safe and taking care of yourself.

And I want you to know that I'm here and the whole sex with Emily team to keep bringing you content and help as you need it right now. Find us on all social media. It is Sex with Emily and Facebook and Instagram and YouTube and Twitter and all the places where we're still answering your questions. We're doing more live content so you can check it out on those platforms.

And this is a really good time to have a lot of those conversations that I encourage you to have with your partners about your sex life, about your relationship because you know, if there's been a problem or a challenge in your relationship, I just can imagine that you're all dealing with it now even more intensely. And I know a lot of you have been letting me know that listening to the show with a partner has been a really helpful, easy way to facilitate conversations that can be hard to start on our own. So thank you for letting me know that and for reaching out.

I'm here for you and the teams here for you. And thank you also for supporting our sponsors because without them, we would not be here doing the show and they wouldn't be here if not for you. So thank you everybody. Intentions with Emily. For each show, I'm going to start out by setting an attention as you know and it helps you guys do the same. So what I mean is like what do you want to get out of listening to this particular episode? It could be, wow, things are so uncertain now. Maybe sprucing up my sex life could be yelling. My intention for the show is to show you that even when times are tough,

things aren't necessarily going the way you want them to, you can always work on your pleasure. All right, enjoy the show. Nikki Boyer. Hi. Three time Emmy award winning TV host. You've done a lot of fascinating things in your career.

No, thanks. Journalist, but right now we are talking about your new podcast, you're the host of dying for sex. Yes. And I just, I mean, really the topic of it, I mean, essentially your friend had a sexual awakening after being diagnosed with cancer and you thought, well, yeah, that's, that's first of all, it's like death, like, where's it? Like death is like the antithesis of sex, right?

Like, I'm going to die and my eyes will learn to live. So, amazing. So, yeah, how did this all come together? Tell me where you're like, oh yeah, that's sad but amazing. And then upon this. Right, I know, kind of, that's it. Thank you for having me.

And thank you for like opening up the conversation about this because I'm so excited about this project. When Molly was diagnosed with stage four, that's a lack of the better word is terminal. So when she got that news, she decided it was time to do something really bold. And so she left her marriage of 15 years and moved out and moved very close to where I was living at the time. Now mind you, this was the second time that she had been diagnosed. So she went through it the first time, double mastectomy, chemo,

a lot of loss of everything, really that felt like her and her womanhood. So when she got redigmed, she was like, I can't do it again like that. So she left her relationship, moved really close to me. And she was going on all these sexual journeys. So when we'd I'd pick her up because she never, you know, like she hates driving. So I'd pick her up and she'd be like, I've got to tell you what happened. And I just, I remember there was a moment we were to stop light. And I was like, there's's something here This is not the normal thing that people do when they get cancer And they don't leave their husband right sexual awakening Not as hopeful like anything I want to stay with them and I'm gonna make the fact that this is not working

Yeah, I'm out and amazing and then I said I think this is a show and in that moment I said and I think it's called dying for sex like it all just went I mean talk about one of the best, yes, exactly. So we, yeah, we just went for it and then started recording up. So actually we came up with the idea, we came up with an idea, we started pitching it to people and then finally, friends of mine at this production company called Bold Souls said, we should, we should pitch this this but we should actually record some recordings. And then I brought those recordings to one Dree who is amazing at storytelling, right?

Like really digs in and goes there and my producers there just there to so awesome. And then we have this X episode series now called Dine for Sex and Episode 5 just came out. Okay, congratulations. Thank you. We're catching up. Wherever you listen to podcasts, I think a lot of people are new listen to radio, but you just like dying for sex. Yeah, listen to it.

Yeah, right? Yeah, just for you. Yeah, exactly. You think about podcasts, which is awesome. Isn't that nice? Yeah, it's okay. So this is what that's back up. So you are driving the car stop and late and you're like,

wow, she's having a sexual awakening. What does that look like? Like how did you, how do you define sexual awakening? Because I think that so many people, you know, I'm sort of saying earlier, like you don't have to be get a diagnosis to decide that you want to have a sexual awakening. I think that was, that's really important to know is like, why are we waiting for that news?

Why are we waiting for something horrible and terminal to happen? I think that's part of what we're saying and this podcast is, let's not wait for that. And let's give ourselves, like, permission to just go go for it and what I love about Molly, she does that. And she also lets you in on the messiness of it, like it's not always pretty and it's not always nice and it doesn't always fill her up the way she thinks it's going to, but she's really open about that in her process, which I think is healing and part of the sexual awakening, don't you think? Yeah, absolutely. So what would you say, because you've known her for a while, you probably

want to hear her marriage. Yeah. Okay, so you know her in the marriage. So what would you say? Because you've known her for a while. You probably wanted her to marry. Like when I was in America. Yeah. Okay. So you know her. So you know her. Like what did that look like? Like what were the things that maybe some probably do? The first sex thing where you're like, oh wow, this is a story. Like what was she telling you?

This is a podcast. And I'm talking to Nikki Boyard dying for sex as her podcast. You can check it out where we listen to podcasts. So I think the moment that I realized this was like not the normal like, I'm just going to go on dates and make out with guys and have sex. It's when she started dipping into the fetish world and she was like, so there's a guy. He wants to come over and worship my feet.

And I was like, that's it. She's like, yes. So there's this guy. He's really interested in like, you know, dressing up as a clown and then having sex with me. And I was like, what? Like, I just remember my brain was, it was making sense, but I kept thinking this is this normal. I guess this is this what happens.

So that's when I realized it was not just, not much just sex. It was like fetishes and things that she was really open to because why not? Like she said, like, what's the worst thing that's gonna happen? Like I was like, be careful. She said, what are they gonna do? Kill me.

I know one guy like she went over to the house and he just wanted to tickle. Like he wanted to hurt to tickle him. She didn't really know that was happening until it started happening. Yeah, you be careful. She's like, what are they gonna do? Kill me. And one guy like she went over to the house and he just wanted to tickle. Like he wanted her to tickle him. She didn't really know that was happening until it started happening. Yeah, that's it. So did she, do you feel like her, was it filling her up? I know it's not every situation turned out amazing,

but how did you see the sexual connections like fill her up in a way? Well, I think people can look at this a little bit and say, well, gosh, she was pleasing them. Was it really about her? That's right. And I get that part of it, but I think for her, it was a little bit and say, well, gosh, she was pleasing them. Was it really about her? That's right. Right. And I get that part of it.

But I think for her, it was a way of gaining control, a way of using her body and a way that it kind of had been robbed from her when they take your breasts away and they take your, you're just things that make you feel like a woman and the parts of you that make you feel sexy. I think for her, it was like she wanted to use that. And so she did discover that through some of her escapades, that sometimes it would feel or up and sometimes she would feel empty. And she kind of tried to navigate that to see what it really was that she was looking

for. So it wasn't just about the sex, even though that's kind of the entry point, a lack of a better word literally. She used that to kind of figure other things and heal some old wounds from her. Yeah, you saw that she healed some trauma too. Yeah. Well, how would you explain that process? Well, she worked through.

I think she was working. I think she was raw. I don't want to give too much away, but I think she was kind of robbed of that thing that most of us get, which is exploring sexuality and sex on our terms as a young woman, she didn't really get that process. So I think this, in a way, was her sort of reclaiming that time that she didn't get in her youth. And she digs into that in a little bit in the episode that was released today.

So she goes into that. And so it was different. People are getting a little bit judgy, I think, because they're like, well, how could she do this? And why? And I think where I go is to don't draw your line so deeply in the sand like you never know what your capable or what you're going to want to do when things get really intense and hard. Yeah, I mean, it's your soul right people put out the hair sacks and they like put up so many ways

to so many protectors around them. Yeah. Like, oh, that's wrong. This is wrong. I can't listen anymore. So, so to really say, no, I'm going to actually suspend belief, suspend my judgment, go into the podcast and listen, maybe I'll be inspired for something, maybe I'll, I feel like that could be a lot of it, right? I mean, you must have been, how about you, Nikki Boyer? In fact, you're sex-labeled out, you're like, I don't want to go home to my partner, and I'm super, actually, I wish you had a foot fetish. I mean, a foot row, like, did anything happen?

It kind of just sort of widened my idea of what people get to do. I did get a little judgy here and there in the podcast with certain things. I was like, ew, but I think now I'm looking back at it. I'm like, you know what, teach their own. I mean, certain things are too much, but everybody's got their way of expressing themselves. So what it did for me is it just sort of broadened my spectrum of like possibilities. So I haven't really changed much of what I'm doing,

but I'm open to it. But I do have to be honest, like my boyfriend would kill me if he knew I was seeing the fly I want to show. But there's a part of me now that's kind of interested, and maybe we can talk about this for a second. I love your opinion. I kind of like the idea now of like, where is him?

The boy you're like watching. Like not him being involved and not being in the room, but there's, and I know porn does that and chatterbait does that. You're watching someone else. You're watching someone else. I don't know, I think with your, with your husband or his agent.

With my partner or my boyfriend. No, that's really, really common fantasy. It is, okay. Absolutely, you're good. Fascinating by that. I'm just out of family. Yeah, I know, everything's fine. You're all good.

We all have fantasies. And we're not gonna shame you or blame you. We're actually gonna help you have that, make that fantasy come true. If you want to. Name that fantasy. No, but it's, yeah, I mean, it is common because first off,

well, you tell me, when you think about your partner who has been having sex with somebody else, what is it? Oh, no, I'm not interested in that. Okay, which part want to watch other people with your just in general. Just in general. You with your husband. Yeah, I like to watch it with him. Oh, and I like to play party. Or a sex part. Okay. See, I've never done and I've never been to any of those. I'm so fine. Welcome. Yeah. To it. Yeah, we can help you. There's a lot of different websites. Oh, I'm serious. I literally want everybody's fantasies to come true. I want to help everybody.

I just need to be able to, that's such a negative connotation. But I want to, like, in a very healthy way. Of course, baby, that's what I'm saying. So is there anything that you sort of had a fantasy about that you indulged in and it didn't kind of meet up to the thing in your head? Like I'm afraid you deflected away from the voyeurism. Because before you leave, I'm going to help you take the next

right step towards the voyeurism fans. Okay. Has there been anything that I've wanted that I've been like, ah, take it or leave it? Well, no, you were like, oh, I'm interested. And then when it comes to fruition, you're like, well, that was way better in my head. Right.

That's what I'm afraid of with the voyeurism. I'm going to see two bodies and I'd be like, newp. We're good. Well, that's the best thing about it is that if you go to a play party, there's, which meaning it's like, they, we're good. Well, that's the best thing about it is that if you go to a play party, there's, which meaning it's like, they used to come swing a party,

so you can get an invite or you can sign up and go on like a Saturday night, and there's usually rules, like only couples can come and single women, and there's not an obligation to have sex, so you and your partner can decide to go and just kind of show up and just see how it is and kind of ease into it.

I find a lot of these parties are a lot like a regular party. But then eventually you look over and someone's having sex. Like a thresher like nice to meet you. My name is a good boy here. I'm Emily Morris, how's it going? Close Ron and then like an hour in your like, is she giving him a blowjob?

It's going on in this book. I know when my brain this exists, but to go is a whole different experience. And the thing is these parties are like, there's anonymity because no one wants to, like, I saw Nicky, you're, I'm not going to go. I don't want to see my boss there, but then you're like, well, your boss was there. Right. You're all at the sex party.

So anyway, yeah, so I think that's kind of how it all works, then you could leave. Okay, the same for with him. My question is, what sexual fantasies of mine did I happen? And I was like, no, check bucket list done. Don't have to do it again. And I don't know what you're gonna be on this part. I mean, that's the second sexual spot I've been put on today.

Like the sexual question that someone's asked me that I was like, yeah, it was what? This guy going to this retreat, Emily, think about what would I be embarrassed to ask a partner for sexually in bed? Like, what do I want to fulfill sexually that I'm afraid to ask? And I'm like, I really want, I'm sure there's something.

So I asked my listeners to call in. It was like, that's a great idea. Tribulate 947, 827, 777, what are you afraid to ask sexually for that you're dying to ask? Or how do you ask it? So, I don't know. I really don't can't think of anything that went wrong. Like I've had throssums, but then I boarded them

before it was a bad threesome. So like, but I've had really good threesome's. And then I've had like an almost threesome where I was like, oh, this isn't gonna be hot. And I ended it. Ooh, that's smart. Yes. Right.

So much, I don't know if you had this Nikki in my life. I've had relationships where I've had sex with people that it was easier to keep going than to say no. That's because yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I might as well just give them a blowjob. Or I might as well just have sex because I don't want to explain why I don't want to have sex. Right. Which is, I mean, I don't want to do those things anymore. Yeah. And I encourage all of you not to kind of not do that anymore. Right. Because once you learn what you want in bed, what feels good, and you're really in touch with your body,

you won't be able to just kind of pacify someone just because you don't want them to feel better. Like, what about our own sexual needs? But I think in the past, I've just followed through with things actually, like, that I wouldn't, but I, yeah. No, I can't think of anything that I did that. Yeah, I'm just wondering if the voyeur, I'm wondering if the voyeur is a thing,

it's just more of like a, like a juicy thing to have in my head, but maybe in real life, I would be. So what I like, we know the best way to find out, right? Here's the best way to find out. First, so if you were calling in, Nikki Boyer, check out her podcast, Dying for Sex, Don Wondry, which is, well, you can listen to podcast, but Wondry makes great storytelling.

So I just love that you're like immediately captured by all the stories and the narrative. So it's a very unique format. So I do appreciate that. And I feel like that, what I would tell people is feel like, oh, I don't know if I want to try it, is that you guys like dirty talk it when you're in bed.

Like right now I'm picturing us, we're at a party. And tonight like you're looking at this couple and she looks over at you and we're watching them and then you start grabbing me and we're making out. And you just sort of talk it back and forth to see, like a role play. To see how, if that's hot. I think my boyfriend will be very happy

with all the challenges. You can send him this. So yeah, that's kind of like, how you dip your toe in the water, because many people are like, I don't know that I want to go all the way there. Because a lot of people do have like the threesome fantasies and stuff.

And I'm like, well, first, don't just go out finding a third person tonight. Right. Maybe play it. play it. That's a good, that's a really good advice. Thank you. So that's that. Okay. So what, so do you have any more sex questions for me? I'm thinking about my own sex or thing. Well, I always your sexual communication with your partner. Do you think it's made you more like open? That's a great question. Actually doing this, this podcast with Molly has sort of allowed me to go, oh, I hadn't even thought of that. Or let me kind of push the envelope a little bit so it has increased our sex.

It has increased the communication around it, asking for things. But I'm so exhausted right now from working so much that I come home and sometimes like my version of sex is like a hot bath and he rubs my feet. Like that's okay too. That is sex, right? Yes, we're all we all get to decide what connection looks like with our partner. Yeah. Intimacy. That is intimacy. Yeah. But isn't it funny? I get what you mean like being exhausted all day because you're working on a sex topic. Yeah. Then you come home. I'm like, it's like the cobbler's kids have no shoes. I'm like, yeah, this guy like dating he's like no shoes, right? Because I'm like, it's like the cobbler's kids have no shoes. I'm like, yeah, this guy, I'm dating, he's like, no shoes, right? Because I'm always like, I'm tired.

I didn't have time for sex in the past anyway. I mean, I love that. It's ebbs and flow. But yeah, and that's totally fine. As long as you both get your needs met. Yeah. So then you talk about it, then it sounds like your sexual communication.

I think it's pretty good. I mean, we've been together for almost 11 years and going through this with Molly, I would bring things to him. I saw a lot of photos and masturbation videos and things that Molly would share with me. So I think there was a party made that was like, whoa, like that's a lot. There's a lot to take in there for many, many different men. So coming home, you know, I would be like, oh, I saw this today, experience this today. And I would kind of fuel things where you're like, you know what I'm talking about it? Are you like, you know what's funny though?

It's, I didn't find, I didn't find those videos and those pictures to be that hot, okay? Because there was a little bit of like, that's gonna sound, there's a little bit of desperation underneath it, right? When you come to... Like the dick pic was just a desperate looking dick. The penis itself had this look.

Yeah. It was like, help me. Like, like, a chapitation. Do I really want this to be right like? No, no, we're all, I'm saying this. You're saying I love this. No, it's not horrible. It's amazing.

Everything's great. There was everything that's great. I don't know, just a little bit of like, oh, God, they're trying so hard. Like, they're, I would literally, like, this is so, like, there's so much, is a prop. Are you holding up? There's so much happening here like like he's into it boys like relax. So there's a little bit of like whoa, like don't we don't we don't.

There's no for planning more. It's just a giant winger in your face. Like give it a minute. Right. I don't know. No, we need this is the thing women. We're not waiting. We're not sitting around.

Go out right now. I just love to get dick picker. Let me scroll through all my like we keep on maybe in our phone to show our friends We delete them from our website or our our DMs and Instagram But yeah, there's something about that women we want a little bit of you want to turn on we want to warm up Just a bring there's a dick pick that I did not choose to see and she and I think Molly did that like she learned through doing through trial and error Like a weener right off the bat isn't my thing like I like a did that. Like she learned through doing, through trial and error. Like a wiener right off the bat isn't my thing. Like I like a little conversation. She loves verbal foreplay and texting

and photos of creases of bodies and things like that. So it's interesting. Yeah, so she figured out what she wanted. Which is kind of the process of dating, I think when you kind of put yourself on a path, you're like, okay, I do like sexting. I don't like dirty talk or I I don't wanna dick pick ever. But what I like is that in your podcast dying for sex,

that you use all the real like the texts and the images or the video or the audio and stuff, I think that's such a great, do you feel like you're back there? Thank you, yeah, it's cool. And I feel like it's the real deal, it's a real story. It's not like a fabrication or an idea, like it's the real story of Molly and her journey

and it's messy and it's beautiful. And it's not just about sex, it's about healing, and it's about female friendships, and just also figuring out what you want to do at the time you have left. And when I keep saying to people is it's morbid, but we're all kind of dying. Right? Like, yeah, we don't know when someone's going to go. So why are we waiting for that diagnosis to sort of live our fullest life? So what are you dying for? What do you wanna live for? Like what is that in you? So I hope that this podcast is not only fun

and titillating, but kind of makes you sort of look at your life and go, what am I doing? What do I wanna ask for? No, Nikki, I think that is such a great point. And I feel like when something like that happens, I was gonna ask you too, because having someone so close to you who's been sick, have you re-examined your life to in ways?

Has it kind of made you like, I don't have time for this worry, because who knows when, you know, what's going to happen with life or? Well, I think I just am naturally a kind of like, I thrive on control and anxiety and I'm trying to figure out how to let go of that. I think sometimes my brain and my body aren't quite synced up with like, let's relax, but I realize that the best way to practice that is just to be super present where you are and really mindful of where you are. Like when you're with people, just take a deep breath and really be with them and try

to just quiet the noise. And if we could just practice that, yeah? This is nice. Well, that's like the punch line of every spiritual journey, every therapy, everything is like, well, at the end of the day, we need to breathe more and be present. Not crazy, though. That's the answer. We're so resistant to it.

Love. It's true. Like, connection, love, and intimacy and presence. Yeah. I believe at the punch line in life, like at the end of the day, at the end of our day, or at the end of our life, it's like, oh, I wish, oh, how about this? Not in the past tense. I'm so glad I loved.

I had sex. I gave that I was as present as I could be with these precious moments I had on this planet. Yeah. And it's also a little bit about, this podcast is a little bit about forgiveness, forgiving ourselves, forgiving other people and healing those things that holding on to that, that, I guess anger, frustration, or resentment is just killing you, right? Right. It's a good life process to learn to release that stuff

because it just stacks up and carries this around. So I think the story is super inspiring. Nicky Boyer, check out our podcast, Dying for Sex. It just premiered last month. So you can check out the rest of it. It's Nicky Boyer, and IKKIBOYER on Instagram and Twitter, NickyBoyer.com. We'll put it in the rest of it. It's Nikki Boyer and I KKI B O Y E R on Instagram and Twitter NikkiBoyer.com. We'll put it in the show notes at sexwithmly.com. I have to ask you the

five questions we ask all of our guests. Nikki Boyer, are you ready? Ready! Biggest turn on. Confidence. Biggest turn off. Ugh, ego. What makes good sex? Ugh, here you go. What makes good sex? Oh, um, Loub. Yes, baby. Something you would tell your younger self about sex and relationships. Be a little safer. Be a little safer.

Number one, sex tip. Go for it. If you're thinking about doing some, some like, uh, toys and play, play like just buy the toy bring in home and just go for it Like just do it or order it on Amazon Or sex don't we don't come. Thank you for oh my god I think it order sex don't I come just get a vibrator. You're right. We send wherever you find it We're gonna give you one before you leave you get a parting gift I know it really is I want to get to get you gonna vibrator and you get a vibrator

I'm Dr. Emily. This is Sex with Emily. We're going to take a quick break and we come back. We're going to get into your calls. And thank you again for supporting our sponsors. We've got some great products to keep you connected right now. And we would not be connected to you if not for them. And they wouldn't be in business if not for you.

So thank you everybody for supporting them. And we'll be right back. Okay, we have Stacey, 35 in Illinois. Just had a historyectomy and needs advice about how to get back into sex. All right. Hey Stacey. Hello. Hi Stacey. Thanks for calling. Hello. Hello. You're on. So I had a total of the start to me about six weeks ago. I did keep my ovaries. Okay, but I'm just kind of nervous getting back into sex because my doctor didn't explain any, you know, differences or they didn't oh really that's just oh oh, okay, I'm so glad you called. So, okay, so it takes a while to get back into it, to get back into sex. You're going to, I mean, the doctor says, between four and six weeks is what they'll

say. And that allows time for scars to heal, discharge, and bleeding bleeding and all that stuff to stop. But don't put that, I don't want you to have that, like women after childbirth are like, yeah, six weeks, it's not always the same. So just really pay attention to your body and like see how you're feeling. So I also think, you know, if you notice bleeding and all that, you should go back and see your doctor. You might get a little bit, you know, do they tell you anything like side effects, like

you might get sad or I feel pretty good. I just my more questions about like, I didn't you could know this until I research on the internet, like the vaginal cuff that they make for you, how that affects like your sex life and orgasms and stuff like that. I don't I don't understand that. Right. Right. Right. Vaginal cuff. Yeah. Because when they take your cervix out, right? No, no, no, I know. I mean, right, right, vaginal cuffs. Yeah, because when they take your cervix, so. Right, no, no, no, I know. I mean, but you're saying that they didn't, and they were like, there was nothing that you were told.

So like, I mean, here's the thing. No, not a lot. Okay, so you might have less interest in sex. You might, you know, you have to see what happens, but I feel like, you know, you'll still have orgasms, you have your clitoris, you're labia, you could be a little bit drier, you definitely want to use lube, you'll have sensations. I feel like, and how old you are 35.

30. I mean, the most important thing is to, I think, I mean, I, to stay in touch right now with your whole, your sex life, your vulva, your vagina, like to still masturbate, doing your keg-lexercises and working your pelvic floor is a really important part of the recovery process. So do they tell you to do what are the exercises? No. Okay.

So pelvic floor exercises are really, and most women, we kinda do them wrong. We like don't really know how to, you know, so I would recommend that you check out like, there's like apps and stuff, or I have an iPhone app called keg-le-camp, you can look at how to, you know, so I would recommend that you check out like there's like apps and stuff, or I have an iPhone app called Kegel Camp, you can look at how to do it online, but they're kind of like your,

your pee-stopping muscles, like when you stop and so the start of urine, it's like you tense and you relax. And so I would do those, and then I would just wait and see because the thing is, for many women, like I think it's important to like, when you just wanna take it slow,

and really you wanna keep your mind engaged. So I even think for you, doing your kegels and keeping in touch even if you're not feeling, so are you in a relationship? Yeah, I'm married. Okay, so I think just like continuing to be intimate with your partner and not making like, sexes off the table,

because there's still things that you guys can do to stay connected. So I still like, you know, kissing, massages, playing with each other, when you start to feel it again, you know, maybe you'd want to do, you know, maybe, massages, playing with each other, when you start to feel it again, you know, maybe you'd want to do, you know, maybe not now the first, how are you feeling right now? Like the next, you know, week, you know, it's been a long time. I mean, yeah, six weeks. So I'm feeling pretty good.

Oh, you're at the six weeks. Okay. So have you been connected with your partner? Because here's the thing, have you tried to have sex again yet? Not yet. I'm kind of nervous about that. So that's why I was calling to think, because like they didn't explain anything. So that's what I mean, okay. No, I know. And I'm trying to like, I feel like that to go slow with your partner. I mean, here's a thing you might not feel anything different. How do you have you had any? Do you have any changes? If you looked in a mirror, do you feel have you felt turned on? Have you connected to your husband since then? Yes. Okay. We have, you know, in our first place.

What I would do is, because I don't want you to see how you feel. This is what I want you to do. I would love it if you do ever masturbate on your own. That's what masturbation is. I guess I love mutual. Okay, so I would recommend that you take a bath, get yourself into a comfortable place,

where you're feeling relaxed, and you masturbate, you take some time, and you see, like, because it's kind of like getting to know you got like what is happening down there? And I think you're going to find that probably not much is different. Like you're not feeling any pain right now, you think you've recovered. And then feel that sexual, like the sexual stacy that you are, you know, and do that and then see how it feels.

And then when you're with your partner again, your husband, you can just kind of take it slow. And have them, you know, see how it feels for them to touch you, use his fingers, and just like everything, I always think, you know, it helps to go slow with everything. So getting back into it again, but I think that what you could expect is definitely have some lube, because you might be a little bit drier.

I recommend uber lube. I love uber lube, you know, a good silicone lube, and let him know, like communicate with him, because this is the most important thing, Stacey, and actually if this, you know, you can always call back, you know, talk to your doctor if there are any side effects that you've sexed, but it sounds like, you know, once you masturbate and do this, keep them in the loop.

Like you don't want him to be like, you will come back and you're all like, oh, I'm all healed, right? Let him know this process that you're going through, because I also think if you have expectations in yourself right now, like, oh, what if I can't orgasm or what if I'm not as, you know, that's gonna be defeatous, but if you let him know that like, I if I can't orgasm or what if I'm not, as you know, that's going to be defeatous,

but if you let them know that, like, I want to take it slow. And here's what I'm going through. I think that that process alone of being transparent with him will allow you to truly relax into your body and just connect again and everything will go lots smoother. Okay, thank you so much. You're so welcome, Stacy, keep me posted and let me know how it goes. All right, will we have Ryan 29 from California

who wants to talk about sex robots. All right. Hey, Ryan, what's going on? Let's talk about it. Hey, not much just, you know, excited I'm living in the future. Yeah. Where all this stuff is existing. Right. You know, I thought it was interesting growing up as a guy, you know, you hear about girls having built those and all these options, you're the guy you really just kind of have your hand and but eventually I I kind of discovered the fleshlight. Oh okay. Yeah. I think it's kind of like

like a discount one or like name brand one. Right. It's okay. But I tried it and I thought it was really thrilling. It was like kinky and and almost like, it was like a different, you can use your imagination a little more. And it's so it was great. But afterwards, I, you know, you feel great, but then you're like, I got to clean this thing. Oh. I thought you were going to say that you,

I thought you were going to say you felt shame. Like some men have orgasms and they like slap like they're watching porn with like, I feel dirty. But what you're saying is you had a clean it. Yeah, I guess. I had this like task in my mind. I'm like, okay, I can't clean it like tomorrow. I have to kind of pay attention to this now.

It's kind of a mess that needs to be handled. Yeah, that's true. But there's some, you know, I guess it's kind of like sex because you kind of have to, you always have that clean up phase afterwards. It's just. Yeah. But it was worth it. We have to clean up our toys. You guys women have to clean up phase afterwards. It's just, yeah, but it was worth it. We have to clean up our toys. You guys women have to clean up our toys after every time we use them too, because then

it gets bacteria. True. This thing had like cracked and crevices and like, I honestly, it didn't come with instructions. I was like, I don't know how to clean this thing, it's just like forever. Oh my God. It's a lot of work. It's a lot of work. An opt-ins as a guy that I'm not gonna have to feel like

it's more of a chore than it's just a theater. Yeah, well what else do we have? I mean, there are disposable ones. There's this Tenga T and G A. They make disposable masturbation sleeves that you just might wanna buy, they're cheaper and you can just kinda throw it away after. That's the easy fix.

And then yeah, there's just a people don't know what the flashlight is. It's like, it kinda like they say it out of a penis but it simulates like the easy fix. And then yeah, there's just a people don't know what the flashlight is. It's like, it kind of like they say it out of a penis, but it simulates like the real deal. Like it feels like with the ridges and the bumps, it's like, there's special patented material developed by NASA. That's the whole thing with flashlight that just feels like, because yeah, many have their hands are like, what do I need? I got my hand, but Ryan, I love that you that you checked it,

they tried it. And you're like, yeah, that was kind of cool. The other thing is moved to you kind of because because that first I I couldn't do it without I was like yeah you gotta use loop yeah and actually the flesh like yeah you got to use loop and I understand why men don't use loop every time they masturbate we don't understand it I would why would want it every time isn't hard? It's like ever in a year. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not a dry rub. It's not a dry rub. It is a dry rub though. But some men don't use low, they don't use anything. I get you could use lotion, but I think you should use lube instead. I'm just saying, but also Ryan, the other thing is the flashlight makes a quick shot. It's called a quick shot.

And it's a little smaller, but it's open on both sides. So you can just clean it up the old fashioned way. All right, Ryan? Wherever I want it. Yeah. Appreciate that. Yeah, there you go. I'm full of things for you.

Also, the Hat Actopus is a cool toy. So no more pricey, but it's a Hat Actopus Pulse III. It's like a half a masturbation. It goes around you. It's a toy. It oscillates on your friend, you know. I love that Ryan's getting curious here with all the toys. So I'm just throwing them all out.

All right. Thanks, Ryan. thanks for calling. We even talked about the fleshlight in a while. I feel like five years ago, the fleshlight was, we talked about a lot more on the show, but like, I love it. Fleshlight is cool for men to mix it up. If you're on the road a lot,

you want to try something different than your hand. Like women, we've got so many toys, right? We can try different sensations. We've got all those nerve-renic stimulates. Well, men, just because we have 8,000 and they have 4,000, they still, that's still a lot of nerve-renic stimulates. Well, men, just because we've 8,000 and they have 4,000, they still, that's still a lot of nerve-renic stimulates. Yeah, I mean, it's a lot. And the cool thing about like the quick shot,

or I think they have like the flesh. Flesh, yeah. But there was, I don't know, it's escaping, right? The flesh skin. Yeah, flesh skin. It's like, you can use it with your partner, and it just like makes, it's like the handy hand job helper. Yeah, it is, right?

It's hand job helper. Yeah, it is. Right, hand job helper. Yeah, use Lube and use the handy hand job helper. I know we're talking about fuss. Yeah. I think the quick shot was also a hand job helper. Yeah, like why not? Have something to help speed it along? Why does do we think that sex has to be this whole natural,

like nothing's, we don't need anything, condoms, Lube, toy, like it's just our bodies together and erotic bliss. Which sometimes that works, but not always. Which is also funny, because there's always like these random stories that you see where guys are sticking their dicks and like vacuums or like other random things.

I'm just sticking their dicks and everything they can. Right, so might as well get a toy that was meant for your dick to be in. Yeah, get a toy to stick your dick in. And not the vacuums, that's such a good idea. Yes. Let's talk to Sarah, who's 24 in Pennsylvania. She wants to know how to keep a sex life going

in a long distance relationship. Hey, Sarah, thanks for calling. How can I help you? Hi. Hi. All right. I find myself getting frustrated. I understand.

Yeah. How long have you guys been together? Four years. Four years. Long distance in your 24. So since your 20, you've been in a long distance relationship. Well, we were together for Four years. Four years, long distance and your 24 or so since your 20 you've been in a long distance relationship. Well, we were together for three years and then he went to med school. Okay, got it. Okay, so of course your frustrated you missed some, right? Yeah. Is there an end date where

you know you're going to be in the same city? We have one more year distance. Okay, so you're trying to keep it interesting while he's away? Yes. Okay. Well, I have to say that it's a good time, if you're in a long distance relationship and you know there's an end, which I like, because I don't mind until these long distance things and we don't know what we're going to do, we might just be long distance forever. But it's great time to do this because there's so much great technology now that can actually keep you more connected.

So do you guys ever do any like phone sex or sex thing or FaceTime anything? Do you ever do any that? We've done it a couple times and it's been good. Okay. I mean, I- There just hasn't been like that much to it. Right. Okay, well I think it'd be fun to set a date night with him when you're on FaceTime or Skype. And then you have a date where you're actually having dinner together or you're each having a glass of wine. And then you could have some intimate conversations there like about your sex life. You could play a game.

There's some really great games. You could each pick up. You could, there's some online games or there's some card like there's one called actually called monogamy, which we love. it's like monopoly, but monogamy. Even though you're not in the same place, or there's some trivia questions you could ask to just get to know each other. There's like mad lips for sex.

There's other things we have, there's just fun board games. There's fun questions that you could get to know each other and ask intimate things about your sex life. You guys could fill out a yes-no maybe list and figure out what you guys both like to do in bed. Get more intimate. Start talking about things that you desire, maybe talking about things that you really love from your past. Just have a real date. You could

also use toys. You guys ever use toys because there's Wevi makes toys that you can actually use something called the Weconnect app. And so, he could be long distance and be controlling the toy with you in another city, another country. Oh, yeah. That's one. Yeah, I didn't know that was a thing. I know, right?

There's one called the Moxie, and it's so cool and it's like a wearable vibe. I mean, you could be wearing it out and about, and he could control it from anywhere on his phone You guys can they actually in their app that we connect up. It's kind of like a FaceTime thing. There's video too So you don't have to use the video function, but you can you could like call each other and you could be controlling it But I feel like you're probably missing him because you missed the intimacy and so there's a way you could like looking to each other's eyes Yeah, have a conversation

Maybe you could yeah have some into each other's eyes, have a conversation. Maybe you could, yeah, have some good conversations about your sex life. I missed the touch. Yeah, well, that's what's hard because you're not in the same room. So I mean, oh, what would you, how often do you see them? About one to month. Okay.

So I think it'd be fun to kind of, like anticipation is so hot. Like that's a thing about long-distance relationships is it is already is hot because you've that built in like missing the person and then the build up, but maybe if you start to kind of plan your next sex session together, like what would it look like? Maybe you're dressing up, maybe you're role playing, maybe you're using some toys together and then you both have something to look forward to. Would you feel comfortable talking to him about any of this stuff?

Yeah, he's really open. Okay. Well, that's helpful for you. Thanks, Sarah. Thanks for calling. Let me know. Thank you. You're so welcome. I think we've blogged too long distance sex.

Do we have on our site? Yeah, there was like a few things. So just search long distance sex. Search long distance sex. So long distance on our website, Sarah, we've got a great post for you blog there that will help you out as well. Mm-hmm. It's a good time. Have the conversations. Yeah, I think I mean it's good that they see each other at least once a month. Yeah, that's that's good. Yeah, and then plan for the sex plan for something.

Yeah, make it like an escapade. Yeah, I've always I've never like I don't do that enough actually. Like plan out a whole sex session. Yeah, I think you should. I'm going to well, I mean, plan out, but eventually, how would you plan it out? I would like figure out exactly my scenario. I'd have all the toys out, rolled up and have lingerie ready to go and be like, okay, hour one. Right. Like all no penetration, all the other stuff. And then hour two, then let's get into that. And then hour three, let's like take a snack race. Yes.

And then let's go. Yeah, or ventures, different rooms. I love, I love just like having sex. And then eating something naked, and then just going back to the sex. Yes, me too. And then never leaving your house all weekend. It's been so long.

I know. Same. Thanks to my awesome team, I love you, Ken, Kristen, Alisa, Brian, our interns, producer Jamie, and Michael. Was it good for you? email me feedback at sexwithamily.com. sexwithamily.com.